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‫۳۱۴ - Sex And Another City

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‫LA - land of perpetual sun
‫and sunbathing, which also makes it

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‫land of the perpetual bikini wax.

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‫After a week, I made an appointment
‫- with the city's waxer to the stars

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‫Alicia.

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‫she was known for her artful work,
‫her lightning-quick hands...

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‫and her indecipherable accent....

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‫Excuse me؟

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‫All done. Beautiful. You look.

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‫I got mugged!

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‫she took everything I've got.

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‫It's called "The Brazilian Wax. "

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‫Why didn't you tell her to stop؟

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‫I feel like one of those hairless dogs.

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‫It's an aesthetic thing. They do it here.

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‫LA men are too lazy
‫to search for anything.

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‫You can't hide your light
‫under a bush.

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‫Didn't she leave a triangle,
‫a landing strip؟

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‫No, I am totally bald and freezing.

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‫- I would have killed her.
‫- I'm so aware of down there now.

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‫I feel like I'm nothing but walking sex.

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‫The Brazilian makes you do
‫crazy things.

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‫Be careful who you invite to Brazil.

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‫- I'm officially Rsvp-ing - no.
‫- Where are you going؟

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‫- I'm meeting Lew.
‫- Letterman Lew؟

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‫He doesn't work for him any more.
‫He's writing that New York sitcom.

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‫The one about the kids who live
‫in a loft.

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‫- Yeah, one's a feisty waitress.
‫- What are you and Lew gonna do؟

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‫We'll have drinks and bitch about LA.
‫I can't believe he lives here now.

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‫- Tell him to move to Brazil.
‫- You're on your own tonight.

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‫- We'll go to that movie premiere.
‫- What's the movie؟

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‫I don't know. We'll use my press pass
‫and get into the after party.

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‫- I love LA.
‫- You two should get out of the sun.

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‫Lew asked Miranda
‫to meet him at The Flowing Tree.

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‫surrounded by all these tanned,
‫fit, happy people,

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‫she knew she would recognize pale,
‫chubby, unhappy Lew immediately.

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‫Miranda.

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‫Oh, my God!

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‫- Do I look that different؟
‫- Good thing you still wear that hat.

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‫- If you ever see me in a Lakers hat...
‫-... shoot you.

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00:03:18,147 --> 00:03:21,742
‫- Exactly. Do you want to sit؟
‫- You look amazing.

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‫- Thanks. Wanna grab a drink؟
‫- please.

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‫Yes, let's go. The sight
‫of all these bleached teeth is blinding.

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‫No, here. This place is known
‫for its green tea infusions.

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‫please - infusions؟
‫Could LA be any worse؟

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‫Take off that hat,
‫I'm gonna shoot you right now.

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‫I really like it here.

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‫Where's the guy I shared beers with
‫and made fun of happy people؟

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‫I know. The thing is, I think
‫I'm one of those happy people now.

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‫- Good for you!
‫- I know it sounds crazy.

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‫I was supremely unhappy
‫in NewYork.

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‫I came here, and I let
‫a lot of that old toxic anger go.

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‫I take things slowly, get outside...
‫LA agrees with me.

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‫Miranda realized,
‫she was the one standing out.

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‫she was the only angry
‫New Yorker for miles.

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‫Let's go for a hike.

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‫Later that night,
‫two very happy New Yorkers prepared

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‫to hike up their first LA red carpet.

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‫- Carrie Bradshaw, New York star.
‫- Are you on the list؟

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‫- I'm a columnist. That's me.
‫- Press room is to the left.

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‫Crinkle-cut cheese and fat reporters,
‫I don't think so.

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‫- Let me see your movie passes.
‫- No one goes to the movie.

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‫Everyone goes to the movie.
‫Could you step off the red carpet؟

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‫- Do you know who she is؟
‫- she's not on the list.

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‫OK, OK. Let's just go.

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‫This wouldn't happen in NewYork.
‫People knowyou in NewYork.

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‫- No one goes to the movie.
‫- We're out of here.

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‫I'm getting the car.

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‫There I was, a Hollywood nobody,

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‫cast off the red carpet and standing
‫in my proper place on a parking lot.

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‫We're talking in circles here.
‫That's right.

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‫I understand.
‫I heard you. OK, sure.

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‫Tell her that when she's ready to deal,
‫she can call me herself.

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‫- please tell me you have another one.
‫- I thought I had a problem.

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‫Got a light for me؟
‫Thanks.

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‫Full tars, very nice.
‫I thought they'd banned these here.

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‫I taped them to my body on the plane.

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‫- New Yorker؟
‫- Yeah.

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‫Keith Travers,
‫representing Matt Damon.

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‫Carrie Bradshaw,
‫representing myself.

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‫- Actress؟
‫- No, no. Writer.

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‫Too pretty to be a writer.

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‫That's too cheesy
‫for you to be a writer.

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‫- It will take an hour to get the car.
‫- samantha Jones, Keith Travers.

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‫He's representing Matt Damon.

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‫- You aren't going anywhere.
‫- If you say so.

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‫Let's go inside,
‫just enjoy our evening.

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‫Once we got inside,
‫our magic carpet ride really began.

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‫I can't believe they wouldn't let you in.
‫That's a disconnect.

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‫- A disconnect؟
‫- Yeah. It's like a fuck-up.

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‫A disconnect!

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‫Yeah. You writers are word Nazis.
‫You're gonna ride me with that.

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‫someone's ass is ringing,
‫and it ain't mine.

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‫Yours would if it could.
‫It would ring.

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‫Excuse me, I'll just be one second.
‫Enjoy yourself.

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‫That is one tall drink ofwater.

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‫she had worshipped Hugh Hefner
‫since she was old enough

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‫to steal her father's playboys.
‫This wasn't a celebrity sighting.

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‫This was the celebrity sighting.

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‫I'll be back.

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‫Hugh, hi. I'm samantha Jones.

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‫- Hello.
‫- I'm a huge fan.

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‫- In that case, join us for a drink.
‫- A drink؟

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‫- That would be great.
‫- Thank you.

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‫seriously؟

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‫- Drinking with three blondes
‫I guess that's a regular day for you.

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‫A slow one, yes.

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‫I'm pretty crazed this week,
‫but I have an opening on Wednesday.

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‫Can I take you out؟
‫Linc, great table.

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‫I had been trying
‫to get into Linc for a week.

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‫He seemed smart and sexy,
‫and this outsider liked being inside.

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‫- Yeah, OK. sure.
‫- Great.

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‫Hey, Keith.
‫There's a vlp room.

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‫- Do you want to go there؟
‫- Yeah, I want to go to the vlp room.

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‫- Let's go.
‫- All right.

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‫Back home,
‫Charlotte had never felt more inside.

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‫she had just attended
‫her first black tie doctors' benefit.

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‫- We make a fine looking couple.
‫- Yes, we do.

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‫so, how did I do؟

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‫Mrs. MacDougal, you did quite well.

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‫Thank you, Dr MacDougal.

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‫You know, doctor, I have an itch.
‫Could you help me out with it؟

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‫Trey؟

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‫Maybe it's time we thought
‫about some options, like viagra.

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‫Are you aware that viagra is a killer
‫for men with heart problems؟

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‫My father died of a heart attack.
‫It runs in my family.

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‫Trey wasn't the only one
‫with heart problems.

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‫I'm just trying to help.

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‫Now I'm tense.
‫I'm going for a run.

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‫It was the fifth time he'd gone running
‫at bedtime in the last two weeks.

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‫The next day, samantha decided
‫to get some exercise as well.

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‫Her pocketbook was getting
‫most of the workout.

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‫Fendi, ۱۵۰.

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‫she decided
‫to give her old pocketbook a rest.

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‫As Charlotte picked up my mail,
‫she realized

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‫she missed more than her sex life.
‫she missed her single life.

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‫If Trey could run away
‫from their problems, so could she.

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‫- I can't deal with Trey.
‫- Calling might be more economical.

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‫And I really missed you guys.

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‫We missed you too.

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‫- Trey is...
‫- It's not working.

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‫He refuses to even talk about it.

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‫- I take it you'll be staying؟
‫- I need a vacation.

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‫You came to the right place.
‫I gotta meet this Keith guy.

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‫Miranda and samantha
‫are down by the pool.

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00:10:56,605 --> 00:10:58,971
‫Charlotte glanced
‫at the glistening pool,

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‫and just like that, her marriage
‫and Trey seemed far away.

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00:11:06,548 --> 00:11:12,111
‫Before lunch, I agreed to go with Keith
‫to see a house he was interested in.

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‫This is not a house. This is an airport.

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‫It's Lorenzo Lamas'.
‫He's asking ۳.۴, but it'll go for ۳.۲.

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‫There's a bargain!

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‫In New York,
‫a first date is dinner and a movie.

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‫In LA, it's lunch
‫and seeing a ۳.۴ million dollar house.

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‫What do you think؟

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‫- I should work in television.
‫- It's good, right؟

156
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‫It's really good.

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‫But does a single guy like you
‫need this much space؟

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‫probably not.
‫But come on, it looks good.

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‫so did he.

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‫In the south American's living room,
‫my Brazilian made me kiss him.

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‫Wait till you see the hot tub.

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00:12:14,149 --> 00:12:16,982
‫- We should check out the hot tub.
‫- Okey-dokey.

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‫I'll have the omelet with no cheese,
‫but tomatoes and mushrooms.

164
00:12:24,759 --> 00:12:30,425
‫Instead of the fries a side of fruit
‫with no grapes, and a half decaf skim.

165
00:12:30,632 --> 00:12:32,964
‫You should get
‫the mushrooms steamed.

166
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‫It lightens the calories
‫but retains the flavor.

167
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‫Great, thanks.

168
00:12:37,973 --> 00:12:40,567
‫- I really like LA.
‫- Who wouldn't؟

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00:12:40,742 --> 00:12:43,734
‫Keith wants a $۳ million house
‫and I can't afford new curtains.

170
00:12:43,912 --> 00:12:47,780
‫That's where the guys here have
‫New York men beat - real estate.

171
00:12:47,949 --> 00:12:50,884
‫- Lew may be the perfect guy.
‫- Letterman Lew؟

172
00:12:51,052 --> 00:12:54,283
‫Yeah. He's an ideal combination
‫of the two coasts.

173
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‫He's a New Yorker at heart, but he's
‫lost all his neuroses and ۳۰ pounds.

174
00:13:00,695 --> 00:13:04,358
‫We're New Yorkers. Aren't we
‫supposed to like neurotic guys؟

175
00:13:04,532 --> 00:13:06,830
‫The Woody Allen thing is so over.

176
00:13:07,068 --> 00:13:10,697
‫He's a changed man.
‫He's spiritual and happy.

177
00:13:10,905 --> 00:13:13,806
‫- He met the Dalai Lama.
‫- I met Hugh Hefner.

178
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‫One woman's pornographer
‫is another woman's spiritual leader.

179
00:13:17,479 --> 00:13:21,813
‫Maybe he's on to something.
‫Maybe it's time I stopped being angry.

180
00:13:21,983 --> 00:13:26,977
‫- How would you spend your time؟
‫- I'll tell you what you could do.

181
00:13:27,155 --> 00:13:29,589
‫- shop.
‫- Jesus!

182
00:13:29,758 --> 00:13:32,818
‫- No, you didn't!
‫- That's like $۳,۰۰۰.

183
00:13:32,994 --> 00:13:35,588
‫Or ۱۵۰. Fake.

184
00:13:35,764 --> 00:13:37,789
‫- No.
‫- It looks so real.

185
00:13:37,966 --> 00:13:40,025
‫- I know.
‫- Give me that.

186
00:13:40,235 --> 00:13:42,863
‫You'd never know it wasn't real
‫unless you looked at the lining.

187
00:13:43,038 --> 00:13:45,768
‫I don't have that luxury.
‫All my insides are on the outside now.

188
00:13:45,940 --> 00:13:49,068
‫- I don't like fakes.
‫- All that matters is what it looks like.

189
00:13:49,244 --> 00:13:50,506
‫It's good.

190
00:13:50,678 --> 00:13:55,206
‫We could get more. I got the guy's
‫card. He lives in the "valley".

191
00:13:56,751 --> 00:13:58,981
‫- Could you have more condoms؟
‫- I did.

192
00:13:59,154 --> 00:14:04,091
‫I am so happy
‫to be out of that condom stage of life.

193
00:14:04,259 --> 00:14:06,386
‫I thought it was called "my thirties".

194
00:14:06,594 --> 00:14:08,721
‫It's nice to go to bed
‫with the same man every night.

195
00:14:08,897 --> 00:14:13,891
‫Tell me you didn't come to LA to
‫tell us how much sex you're having.

196
00:14:14,069 --> 00:14:18,096
‫Charlotte couldn't tell them her
‫conjugal bliss was a conjugal miss.

197
00:14:18,306 --> 00:14:21,434
‫What should I do first in LA؟

198
00:14:21,609 --> 00:14:26,808
‫The first thing you'll need is
‫a good bikini wax.

199
00:14:26,981 --> 00:14:29,541
‫You should try Alicia.

200
00:14:38,893 --> 00:14:44,195
‫That night, after hours of pool time,
‫I realized something startling.

201
00:14:44,365 --> 00:14:47,198
‫I was actually starting to like LA.

202
00:14:48,436 --> 00:14:51,701
‫New Yorkers are trained
‫to hate Los Angeles,

203
00:14:51,873 --> 00:14:54,171
‫where, supposedly,
‫intellect is ridiculed

204
00:14:54,375 --> 00:14:57,208
‫and who you date
‫and what you look like is revered.

205
00:14:57,378 --> 00:14:59,744
‫Yet, we were
‫having the time of our lives.

206
00:14:59,914 --> 00:15:03,213
‫The men were happy, the homes
‫were huge, the bags looked great.

207
00:15:03,384 --> 00:15:07,514
‫Maybe that was enough.
‫The weather moves from west to east.

208
00:15:07,689 --> 00:15:11,625
‫Was it a just matter of time before
‫the truth blew across Manhattan؟

209
00:15:11,793 --> 00:15:14,728
‫When it comes to
‫bags, men and cities,

210
00:15:14,863 --> 00:15:17,559
‫is it really what's outside that counts؟

211
00:15:17,732 --> 00:15:21,759
‫The next day, samantha and I
‫went to the valley for Fendi bags.

212
00:15:21,936 --> 00:15:24,234
‫This is it, ۴۵۳۸۶.

213
00:15:24,405 --> 00:15:26,839
‫- Is that an address or a zip code؟
‫- I don't know.

214
00:15:27,008 --> 00:15:29,499
‫I miss Lorenzo Lamas'
‫neighborhood.

215
00:15:33,781 --> 00:15:37,376
‫- My God.
‫- Oh, there he is.

216
00:15:38,386 --> 00:15:42,345
‫We had found it. Fake Fendi paradise.

217
00:15:44,526 --> 00:15:46,551
‫He should work on his display area.

218
00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:49,754
‫seven for ۱,۰۰۰. You like؟

219
00:15:49,931 --> 00:15:55,665
‫I should have liked them. But staring
‫into the trunk, they didn't look elegant.

220
00:15:55,803 --> 00:15:59,398
‫They looked cheap. Even if
‫everyone else thought it was real,

221
00:15:59,574 --> 00:16:04,307
‫I'd always know, my bag came
‫from a trunk deep in the valley.

222
00:16:04,479 --> 00:16:07,175
‫You know what؟ I don't think so.

223
00:16:07,348 --> 00:16:11,546
‫- You don't want a bag now؟
‫- sorry. They're very nice. It's just...

224
00:16:11,719 --> 00:16:14,711
‫please, don't smoke near the bags.

225
00:16:16,724 --> 00:16:19,352
‫We drove for two hours in the valley...

226
00:16:21,596 --> 00:16:24,861
‫That's it. I'm going back to the hotel.

227
00:16:25,033 --> 00:16:29,834
‫They looked so sad
‫staring up at me from that trunk.

228
00:16:30,004 --> 00:16:32,063
‫They were waiting to be adopted.

229
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,767
‫I was almost eaten by dogs. The least
‫you could've done was buy a bag.

230
00:16:35,977 --> 00:16:42,041
‫It's better to wait for the real thing.
‫Then at least you know it's special.

231
00:16:43,184 --> 00:16:46,312
‫- My marriage is a fake Fendi.
‫- Excuse me؟

232
00:16:46,487 --> 00:16:50,150
‫Trey and I look like
‫the perfect couple from the outside,

233
00:16:50,325 --> 00:16:54,557
‫but on the inside it's all fake.
‫It's not special.

234
00:16:54,729 --> 00:16:56,993
‫- He can't get it up.
‫- What؟

235
00:16:57,165 --> 00:17:00,498
‫- We've never had sex.
‫- You've never had sex؟

236
00:17:00,668 --> 00:17:02,761
‫- You've been married for...
‫-... over a month.

237
00:17:02,937 --> 00:17:06,964
‫- You've never had sex؟
‫- It's not physical, it's emotional.

238
00:17:07,141 --> 00:17:10,440
‫- You knew about this؟
‫- she told me at the wedding.

239
00:17:12,013 --> 00:17:16,973
‫You'd just say you'd told me so and
‫I shouldn't have married so quickly.

240
00:17:17,952 --> 00:17:22,912
‫Who am I to judge you؟
‫We all have our own paths in life.

241
00:17:23,057 --> 00:17:25,924
‫Three days with Lew
‫had changed Miranda

242
00:17:26,094 --> 00:17:29,689
‫from deeply sarcastic
‫to Deepak Chopra.

243
00:17:29,864 --> 00:17:33,857
‫- What am I gonna do؟
‫- You've never had sex؟

244
00:17:34,035 --> 00:17:37,266
‫- she's never had sex.
‫- It's only been a month.

245
00:17:37,472 --> 00:17:42,171
‫- He hasn't seen Brazil.
‫- A honeymoon to south America.

246
00:17:42,377 --> 00:17:45,346
‫- That might do the trick.
‫- I know how to cheer you up.

247
00:17:45,513 --> 00:17:47,606
‫A trip to the playboy mansion.

248
00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:51,615
‫Hef invited us for one of those
‫playmate pool parties.

249
00:17:51,786 --> 00:17:53,754
‫Did you say, "Hef"؟

250
00:17:53,921 --> 00:17:57,152
‫Why would that cheer her up؟
‫Does she look like a frat boy؟

251
00:17:57,325 --> 00:17:59,759
‫No, but it wouldn't hurt to meet some.

252
00:17:59,961 --> 00:18:03,226
‫- sorry, not going.
‫- Come on, it would be fun.

253
00:18:03,398 --> 00:18:05,332
‫We're in LA.

254
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:08,230
‫All right, fine,
‫but I better be on the guest list.

255
00:18:08,403 --> 00:18:12,601
‫Later that night, I was a guest
‫at Keith's amazing house.

256
00:18:12,774 --> 00:18:16,335
‫He made sizzling scallops, and
‫after dinner things got even hotter.

257
00:18:16,544 --> 00:18:22,380
‫I like hot tubs. NewYork should have
‫more hot tubs like on roofs and stuff.

258
00:18:22,550 --> 00:18:25,018
‫Well, if you like that...

259
00:18:52,747 --> 00:18:56,877
‫While I was going native with Keith,
‫Miranda and Lew went to New York.

260
00:18:57,051 --> 00:18:59,110
‫At least to the New York strip steak.

261
00:18:59,287 --> 00:19:02,415
‫- This looks great.
‫- God, do I miss this smell!

262
00:19:02,590 --> 00:19:05,150
‫so, you were saying؟

263
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,885
‫Read "zen And The Art
‫Of Modern Living".

264
00:19:08,062 --> 00:19:10,997
‫I'm still trying
‫to get used to bath beans.

265
00:19:11,199 --> 00:19:14,828
‫- You are so New York.
‫- Come on, don't you miss it؟

266
00:19:15,002 --> 00:19:18,403
‫- Just a little؟
‫- No, I write about it every day.

267
00:19:18,573 --> 00:19:20,803
‫That's not New York,
‫it's a sound stage.

268
00:19:21,008 --> 00:19:26,605
‫۲۰-somethings with tiny salaries don't
‫live in soHo lofts. It's totally fake.

269
00:19:26,781 --> 00:19:30,615
‫۴۰ million viewers
‫would disagree with you on that one.

270
00:19:37,291 --> 00:19:41,352
‫- Is something wrong with your steak؟
‫- No, it's great.

271
00:19:52,039 --> 00:19:54,564
‫- What are you doing؟
‫- I'm tasting my food.

272
00:19:54,742 --> 00:19:59,736
‫- Why aren't you swallowing it؟
‫- You think I look this good by eating؟

273
00:19:59,914 --> 00:20:04,146
‫Lew hadn't found inner peace,
‫he'd found an eating disorder.

274
00:20:04,318 --> 00:20:07,583
‫- Are you serious؟
‫- Don't put your toxic shit on me.

275
00:20:07,755 --> 00:20:11,282
‫This is LA. You have no idea
‫what pressure I'm under.

276
00:20:11,459 --> 00:20:13,484
‫Who cares what you look like.
‫You're a writer.

277
00:20:13,661 --> 00:20:17,427
‫For a hit show.
‫No one wants to hire a fat story editor.

278
00:20:17,598 --> 00:20:20,260
‫Miranda wanted
‫to rip that Knicks hat off his head.

279
00:20:20,435 --> 00:20:25,031
‫No self-respecting New Yorker
‫would spit out that good a steak.

280
00:20:25,206 --> 00:20:29,165
‫Jesus fucking Christ.
‫Now I've lost my appetite.

281
00:20:31,045 --> 00:20:35,880
‫Waking up in Keith's sun-filled
‫bedroom, I felt like ۳.۴ million myself.

282
00:20:36,050 --> 00:20:38,314
‫I like what you have
‫going on down there.

283
00:20:38,486 --> 00:20:43,185
‫- That would be a whole lot of nothing.
‫- Yeah.

284
00:20:43,357 --> 00:20:46,121
‫- Don't you work؟
‫- I don't have anything till eleven.

285
00:20:46,294 --> 00:20:48,728
‫- Nice life.
‫- Yeah.

286
00:20:51,232 --> 00:20:54,429
‫What the fuck
‫do you think you're doing؟

287
00:20:54,602 --> 00:20:57,969
‫I told you, no prostitutes
‫when you're house-sitting.

288
00:20:59,006 --> 00:21:03,033
‫- You're a house-sitter؟
‫- personal assistant.

289
00:21:03,211 --> 00:21:06,806
‫- I thought you were an agent.
‫- My agent won't water my plants.

290
00:21:06,981 --> 00:21:11,213
‫The life I was coveting wasn't Keith's,
‫it was Carrie Fisher's.

291
00:21:11,419 --> 00:21:15,788
‫- You're so fired. Wait till I tell penny.
‫- Am I going to have to return her car؟

292
00:21:15,957 --> 00:21:17,481
‫And penny Marshall's.

293
00:21:17,658 --> 00:21:19,558
‫I'm going to...

294
00:21:19,727 --> 00:21:22,389
‫- You might need these.
‫- Thank you.

295
00:21:22,563 --> 00:21:27,296
‫Are you going to bring prostitutes
‫to Ben's new $۳ million home؟

296
00:21:27,468 --> 00:21:29,231
‫And Ben Affleck's.

297
00:21:29,403 --> 00:21:32,566
‫I'm not a prostitute.
‫I'm carrie Bradshaw.

298
00:21:32,740 --> 00:21:38,303
‫I'm a writer too.
‫I have a column in New York.

299
00:21:38,479 --> 00:21:42,108
‫I'm Carrie, you're Carrie.
‫I write, you write.

300
00:21:42,283 --> 00:21:45,719
‫I have a child. I really can't do this.

301
00:21:46,787 --> 00:21:49,017
‫Have you been smoking in here؟

302
00:21:56,163 --> 00:21:58,825
‫This was always on.

303
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,231
‫The dry-cleaning and the cat food,
‫that's all done.

304
00:22:02,403 --> 00:22:06,169
‫It was the perfect ending
‫- to my week of make-believe

305
00:22:06,340 --> 00:22:10,071
‫a visit to the playboy mansion
‫and the playmate pool party.

306
00:22:11,512 --> 00:22:15,881
‫- Could our lives get any weirder؟
‫- Nothing surprises me any more.

307
00:22:16,050 --> 00:22:20,009
‫In LA, house-sitters are somebodies
‫and writers are prostitutes.

308
00:22:20,187 --> 00:22:23,452
‫- You're at least a high-class escort.
‫- Thank you.

309
00:22:23,658 --> 00:22:25,751
‫- Fuck Carrie Fisher!
‫- Now we're angry again؟

310
00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:28,088
‫- Yeah.
‫- I blame the wax.

311
00:22:28,262 --> 00:22:30,560
‫That's it. Blame it on Rio.

312
00:22:33,034 --> 00:22:37,198
‫After the sun went down,
‫the party really started heating up.

313
00:22:37,405 --> 00:22:40,636
‫Where are the girls in the satin outfits
‫and the Bunny ears؟

314
00:22:40,808 --> 00:22:43,641
‫Yeah, I want to see some Bunny ears.

315
00:22:47,882 --> 00:22:51,249
‫somewhere between
‫the Italian grotto and the petting zoo,

316
00:22:51,419 --> 00:22:54,354
‫Charlotte found something real.
‫His name was Ian.

317
00:22:54,522 --> 00:22:58,515
‫- so I started collecting Hockney.
‫- I love Hockney.

318
00:22:58,693 --> 00:23:02,151
‫The colors in his pool series
‫are so LA.

319
00:23:02,330 --> 00:23:05,128
‫The blues and those deep greens.

320
00:23:05,299 --> 00:23:09,759
‫God, it is such a pleasure talking
‫to an intelligent woman for once.

321
00:23:09,937 --> 00:23:12,064
‫I love talking to you too.

322
00:23:12,239 --> 00:23:17,472
‫It's nice to be with a man who talks.
‫I love LA.

323
00:23:18,245 --> 00:23:22,944
‫I guess that third welcome drink
‫has finally kicked in؟

324
00:23:23,117 --> 00:23:26,814
‫This is bad of me.
‫Is this bad of me؟ I'm drunk.

325
00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:29,388
‫I'm lying here
‫with a man I hardly know.

326
00:23:29,557 --> 00:23:32,549
‫It's the playboy mansion.
‫Things could be worse.

327
00:23:34,328 --> 00:23:39,391
‫- You're nice, Ian. You're really nice.
‫- You're nice too.

328
00:23:42,203 --> 00:23:46,503
‫- Let me buy you some boobs.
‫- pardon me؟

329
00:23:46,707 --> 00:23:50,507
‫- It's a gift.
‫- I don't need any breasts.

330
00:23:51,579 --> 00:23:54,946
‫Charlotte had forgotten
‫how awful single life could be.

331
00:23:55,116 --> 00:23:58,950
‫Marriage, with all its problems,
‫wasn't looking so bad.

332
00:24:03,090 --> 00:24:05,183
‫- someone stole my fake Fendi.
‫- Are you sure؟

333
00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:08,328
‫I put it beside me.
‫When I got up, it was gone.

334
00:24:09,430 --> 00:24:13,662
‫Oh my God, that Bunny's got my bag.

335
00:24:19,173 --> 00:24:20,936
‫Give me my bag.

336
00:24:21,108 --> 00:24:23,804
‫- You stole my bag.
‫- This is my bag.

337
00:24:23,978 --> 00:24:28,813
‫- Are we having a problem؟
‫- Yes. This Bunny stole my bag.

338
00:24:28,983 --> 00:24:32,578
‫- It's my bag.
‫- she says it's her bag.

339
00:24:32,753 --> 00:24:35,813
‫Look on the inside.
‫A label that says "Made in China"

340
00:24:35,990 --> 00:24:38,857
‫and there's a bunch
‫of condoms in there.

341
00:24:40,761 --> 00:24:42,558
‫Fendi.

342
00:24:42,730 --> 00:24:47,497
‫samantha was mortified. she thought
‫everything on the Bunny was fake.

343
00:24:49,203 --> 00:24:53,162
‫OK then. Innocent mistake.

344
00:24:53,340 --> 00:24:56,935
‫Apparently, one nod from Hef,
‫and the pool party was over.

345
00:24:57,111 --> 00:25:02,515
‫- I'm not leaving without my friends.
‫- I'm so sorry.

346
00:25:02,683 --> 00:25:06,312
‫The fake Fendi ended up
‫costing ۱۵۰ for the bag,

347
00:25:06,487 --> 00:25:12,824
‫۲,۰۰۰ in stolen credit cards, and
‫unspecified costs to samantha's ego.

348
00:25:14,295 --> 00:25:20,393
‫And Miranda and I took a wrong turn
‫on the way to the buffet.

349
00:25:26,307 --> 00:25:29,242
‫Look at that - tit soup.

350
00:25:30,010 --> 00:25:32,069
‫It's time to go home.

351
00:25:32,246 --> 00:25:34,407
‫There you are.

352
00:25:34,582 --> 00:25:36,607
‫- We have to leave.
‫- We are.

353
00:25:36,784 --> 00:25:38,274
‫Right now.

354
00:25:38,452 --> 00:25:41,444
‫Relax. We're going, we're going.

355
00:25:41,622 --> 00:25:45,388
‫- What did she do؟
‫- I don't know.

356
00:25:45,559 --> 00:25:50,724
‫What happened؟
‫OK. All right.

357
00:25:50,898 --> 00:25:54,766
‫The next day, four New Yorkers
‫left LA a little lighter.

358
00:25:54,935 --> 00:25:58,996
‫some of us had lost our hair,
‫and all of us had lost a little dignity.

359
00:25:59,173 --> 00:26:03,109
‫samantha couldn't wait to get back
‫to the crime-free streets of Manhattan.

360
00:26:03,277 --> 00:26:05,643
‫Miranda couldn't wait
‫to get back to men who swallowed.

361
00:26:05,813 --> 00:26:08,179
‫Charlotte couldn't wait
‫to get back to Trey.

362
00:26:08,349 --> 00:26:10,783
‫And as for me, I couldn't wait.

363
00:26:10,951 --> 00:26:14,512
‫- You can't smoke in here.
‫- Relax, we're going.

364
00:26:24,198 --> 00:26:27,031
‫six hours later, I was home.

365
00:26:27,201 --> 00:26:30,432
‫It looked even better on the inside
‫than I remembered it,

366
00:26:30,604 --> 00:26:35,132
‫because inside it was all real.

367
00:26:39,180 --> 00:26:42,149
‫I was starting to feel like myself again.

368
00:26:44,051 --> 00:26:47,885
‫The rest of me
‫would grow back eventually.