WEBVTT

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..:: ارائه شده توسط وب سايت بلبل جان ::..
‏.::  www.bolboljan.net ::.

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Bum buttery flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh

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Bum buttery bluebird is singing a tune

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Daffodil dillies awaken and prune

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Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume

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It's a loverly, loverly spring

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Chit-chattery chipmunks
all singing along

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Humming their
join-in-a-spring-along song

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Spring is the springiest time for a song

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It's a loverly, loverly spring

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In the forest we play
with the rabbits all day...

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I'm sorry to say that this is not
the movie you will be watching.

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The movie you are about to see
is extremely unpleasant.

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If you wish to see a film
about a happy little elf,

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I'm sure there is still plenty
of seating in theatre number two.

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However, if you like stories about clever

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and reasonably attractive orphans,

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suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches,

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Italian food and secret organisations,
then stay

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as I retrace each and every one
of the Baudelaire children's

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woeful steps.

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My name is Lemony Snicket

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and it is my sad duty
to document this tale.

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Violet Baudelaire, the eldest,

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was one of the finest 14-year-old
inventors in the world.

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Anyone who knew Violet well
could tell she was inventing something

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when her long hair
was tied up in a ribbon.

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In a world of abandoned items
and discarded materials,

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Violet knew
there was always something.

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Something she could fashion into nearly
any device for nearly every occasion.

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And no one was better to test
her inventions than her brother.

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Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child,

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loved books,

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or rather, the things he learnt
from books.

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The Baudelaire parents had
an enormous library in their mansion.

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A room filled with thousands of books
on nearly every subject.

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And nothing pleased Klaus more
than spending an afternoon

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filling up his head with their contents.

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And everything he read,
he remembered.

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Sunny, the youngest,
had a different interest.

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She liked to bite things
and had four sharp teeth.

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There was very little that Sunny
did not enjoy biting.

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Sunny was at an age
when one mostly speaks

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in a series of unintelligible shrieks.

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For instance...

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Which probably meant,

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"Look at that mysterious figure
emerging from the fog."

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Or perhaps,

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"What is a banker like Mr Poe
doing trudging through the sand

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"to find us at Briny Beach?"

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Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of

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an extremely unfortunate event.

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I'm very sorry to tell you
your parents have perished in a fire

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that's destroyed your entire home.

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If you have ever lost
someone very important to you,

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then you already know how it feels.

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And if you haven't,

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you cannot possibly imagine it.

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No one knows the precise cause
of the Baudelaire fire.

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My colleagues and I have investigated
the best we can,

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but all we've discovered is that the
blaze was started from a great distance

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through the refraction
and convergence of light,

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and within moments,
the entire mansion was in flames.

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And as mysterious
as the source of the blaze,

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other mysteries began to unfold
before the children's eyes.

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Every family has its secrets,
doors left unopened,

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but as Klaus now realised,

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the smallest discovery would
send his mind reeling with questions.

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What was this spyglass,
hidden in his father's desk?

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Were there other secrets about
their parents' lives yet to be revealed?

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Questions he now feared
might never be answered.

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And just like that,

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the Baudelaire children
became the Baudelaire orphans.

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I tried to warn you.

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This is an excellent opportunity
to walk out of the theatre,

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living room or aeroplane
where this film is being shown.

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It's not too late to see a film
about a happy little elf.

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Yes, come with me.

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Now, as chief officer
of Mulctuary Management,

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and the executor of your parents' estate,

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it is my legal obligation to take care
of your money till you come of age,

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and to place you in the care
of your closest relative.

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So I'm taking you to
live with your dear Count Olaf

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who resides right here in the city,
just 37 blocks away.

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I don't think that's what "closest"
is supposed to mean.

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- We don't know a Count Olaf.
- Of course you do.

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He's either your third cousin
four times removed

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or fourth cousin three times removed.

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Someone's brain's been removed.

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Sunny!

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And he's an actor by trade.
Isn't that exciting, children?

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You should count yourselves lucky,
children.

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This sort of generosity is rare
in a person of his profession.

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Here we are, your new home.

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Isn't it lovely, children?

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Hello.

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You must be the Baudelaires.

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Hi.

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I was so sorry to
hear about the accident,

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but so happy to
hear you were coming here.

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Welcome. I'm Justice Strauss
of the city high court.

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I'm Violet and this is my brother,
Klaus, and my sister, Sunny.

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Poe, Mulctuary Management.

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- How do you do?
- Lovely.

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- Your house is so beautiful.
- Thank you.

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Please, don't be strangers.
Come visit me any time you like.

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- Visit?
- You don't live with Count Olaf?

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Live with Count Olaf? No!
No, no.

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He's my neighbour.

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Let's sleep outside.

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Intrude!

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We haven't got all day. In you go.

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Well, hello, hello, hello.

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I am your beloved Count Olaf.

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And welcome to my loverly home.

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May you find solace within
the womb-like warmth of its

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downy plume.

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Or as the Greeks
in the ancient times would say,

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"Orphanis encribo,
something, something, something..."

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Music builds to a crescendo.

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Ending on the right foot.

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And strike a Fosse!

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Not exactly what I was going for,
but you get the idea.

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My dear

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Violet.

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Enchanté.

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How do you do?

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And this must be Klaus.

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Young Klaus.

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Your left side is the good one.

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And

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what is this?

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I'm Sunny.

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I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey.

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Banana.

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I am not a monkey!

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Sunny's our sister.

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I must say,
you're a gloomy-looking bunch.

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Why so glum?

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Our parents just died.

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Yes, of course. How very, very awful.

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Wait, let me do that one more time.

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Give me the line again.
Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind.

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Our parents just... died?

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Yes.

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What a schmuck!!

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Mr Poe.

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I will raise these orphans

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as if they were actually wanted.

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And though you would call it
a burden, a sacrifice,

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you are mistaken, sir,

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and should be ashamed of yourself!

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The idea!

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Anyway, where do I sign
for the fortune... I mean, children?

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You won't officially have guardianship
until the hearing

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on Thursday morning.

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And what am I to do
with them until then?

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Excuse me?

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What I mean is... Do you work out?

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You look good. Healthy, I mean.

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Well, I'd better get back to the bank.

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Can't you stay for a brief imbibement?

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A glass of port? Sanka?

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- I suppose...
- Another time then.

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- Children, if you need anything...
- No, we're fine. We're all fine.

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Any questions...

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I realise that my humble abode
isn't as fancy

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as the Baudelaire Mansion,

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but I'm coming into
a great deal of money soon

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and I think it'll be

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quite charming when it's finished.

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Shall we take a look?

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This is the living room.

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The kitchen.

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I know what you're thinking.

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This place could use a little TLC.

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I trust you've had your tetanus shots.
Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.

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This is the entertainment
or rumpus room.

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I'm told the ceiling can be
brought up to code in no time.

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You're not afraid of heights, are you?

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Imagine that.
A monkey afraid of heights.

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My theatre. This way.

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What's that up there?

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The tower,

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which you are never to enter,

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under any circumstances.

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This is where you'll sleep,
time permitting. Nighty-night.

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- But the sun's still up.
- But the sun's still up.

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I don't know if you've ever noticed,
but first impressions

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are often entirely wrong.

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For instance, Klaus, when Sunny
was born, didn't like her at all.

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But by the time she was six weeks old,
the two of them were thick as thieves.

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A phrase which here means
"fetching and biting for hours on end."

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In the case of Count Olaf, however...

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Orphans!

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...they were correct.

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Every morning, Count Olaf
would order the Baudelaires

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to do a great number of terrible chores.

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After which, he would stalk off
to his mysterious tower room.

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And as unfortunate
as their situation seemed,

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it was only about to get worse.

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I woke up in a tub full of ice in Baja,

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and I realised that these girls
had stolen my kidney.

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No!

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Imagine my surprise.

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Orphans, this is my acting troupe.

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- Acting troupe, orphans.
- They don't look rich.

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Ugly little people.

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Why aren't you children in the kitchen
preparing our dinner?

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Dinner?

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It's the French word
for the evening meal.

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On the back. Flip it.

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We'll take it in the dining room at 8:00.

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We expect absolute silence
while we're rehearsing our play.

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But we've never made dinner before.

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- It's already 7:30.
- 8:00!

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Pasta it is.

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Okay. Let's start casting this puppy.

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Now, who shall play

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the most handsome count
in all the world?

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Would you do it, sir?

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All right.

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Pasta Puttanesca. That's Italian
for "very few ingredients."

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That's great.

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Sunny, a little help.

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I'm on it.

00:16:51.761 --> 00:16:53.929
- Okay, we're going to need a pot.
- No pot.

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- And a strainer.
- No strainer.

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Thank you.

00:16:59.936 --> 00:17:00.977
My pleasure.

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And a saucepan.

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This is a little piece
I like to call "Electric Chair".

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I think you might have to turn it up.

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Is anybody out there?

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Strainer. That's brilliant.

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Sunny, how's that pot coming?

00:17:25.586 --> 00:17:27.379
Voilà.

00:17:28.756 --> 00:17:31.299
Sunny, that's not a pot.

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It's a spittoon.

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A spittoon? You mean, like...

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We'll wash it twice.

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Well?

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It's good. It's really good.

00:17:46.274 --> 00:17:47.315
Time check.

00:17:47.650 --> 00:17:50.360
Let's go back to prehistoric times

00:17:50.486 --> 00:17:53.155
when dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

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Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.

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What do you want?

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Dinner is served.

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Puttanesca.

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What did you call me?

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It's pasta. Pasta Puttanesca.

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Where's the roast beef?

00:18:40.995 --> 00:18:42.287
Roast beef?

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Beef. Yes. Roast beef.

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It's the Swedish term
for beef that is roasted.

00:18:50.379 --> 00:18:53.131
But you didn't tell us
you wanted roast beef.

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You know, there's a big world out there

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filled with desperate orphans
who would gladly

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swim across an ocean of thumbtacks

00:19:05.394 --> 00:19:10.816
just to be eclipsed by the long shadow
that is cast by my accomplishments.

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But I don't care about them.

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I chose to open my heart

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to you two loverly children

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and your hideous primate.

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All I ask in return is that you do
every thing that pops into my head

00:19:26.332 --> 00:19:30.418
while I enjoy the enormous fortune
your parents left behind.

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- No.
- Why, you little...

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Back off, parrot face!!

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I'll bite higher!

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Don't mock me!

00:19:46.853 --> 00:19:48.520
Wow. You are nuts.

00:19:48.604 --> 00:19:53.024
It's time you children
learnt a little respect.

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- Back!
- Put her down!

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You monster!

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You all saw it. The boy slipped.

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You won't get a cent
until Violet turns 18.

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Really?

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- Says who?
- The law. Look it up.

00:20:12.920 --> 00:20:15.505
We're going to call Mr Poe
about this right now.

00:20:23.264 --> 00:20:24.598
Are you?

00:20:27.143 --> 00:20:29.936
I'm very disappointed in you, children.

00:20:32.982 --> 00:20:34.983
Where were we?

00:20:35.651 --> 00:20:38.528
- Are you okay?
- No.

00:20:42.491 --> 00:20:43.909
Klaus, what are you doing?

00:20:43.993 --> 00:20:46.244
- I'm going.
- Going where?

00:20:46.329 --> 00:20:47.746
Home.

00:20:47.830 --> 00:20:49.998
This is our home now.

00:20:52.501 --> 00:20:54.669
This is not home.

00:20:54.754 --> 00:20:57.464
Home is where your parents
put you to bed at night,

00:20:57.548 --> 00:21:00.508
where they teach you to ride a bike,
or where they get choked up

00:21:00.593 --> 00:21:02.677
on your first day of school.

00:21:02.762 --> 00:21:04.888
This is not home.

00:21:08.476 --> 00:21:10.226
How could they do this to us?

00:21:10.686 --> 00:21:12.395
They're just bad people.

00:21:12.605 --> 00:21:14.814
Not them. Mom and Dad.

00:21:14.899 --> 00:21:17.943
- Klaus.
- Violet, you're thinking it too.

00:21:18.027 --> 00:21:21.738
How could they?
They had no plan for us at all?

00:21:21.822 --> 00:21:24.115
Well, maybe they did have a plan.

00:21:24.659 --> 00:21:26.743
Well, it sure looks like it to me.

00:21:34.543 --> 00:21:38.296
Do you remember
when Mom and Dad went to Europe?

00:21:38.381 --> 00:21:41.800
We thought they'd abandoned us
because they didn't even write.

00:21:41.884 --> 00:21:45.136
We found out they'd written
a letter that got lost in the mail.

00:21:45.221 --> 00:21:50.308
Do you remember how guilty we felt
for thinking bad thoughts about them?

00:21:50.393 --> 00:21:51.893
This is just like that.

00:21:52.728 --> 00:21:54.854
No, it's not.

00:21:54.939 --> 00:21:56.606
Why?

00:21:58.651 --> 00:22:00.652
Because they're not in Europe.

00:22:00.736 --> 00:22:03.613
They're not coming back.

00:22:09.787 --> 00:22:13.623
Do you think anything
will ever feel like home again?

00:22:27.471 --> 00:22:31.182
"Sanctuary" is a word which here means

00:22:31.267 --> 00:22:34.102
a small, safe place in a troubling world.

00:22:35.896 --> 00:22:40.442
Like an oasis in a vast desert
or an island in a stormy sea.

00:22:40.526 --> 00:22:44.029
The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening
in the sanctuary they built together.

00:22:44.113 --> 00:22:45.071
I see it, I see it.

00:22:45.156 --> 00:22:48.825
But in their hearts they knew
the troubling world lay outside.

00:22:48.909 --> 00:22:49.868
Like this.

00:22:49.952 --> 00:22:53.997
A world, which I'm sad to say,
can be described in two dismal words.

00:22:54.081 --> 00:22:55.290
Custody granted.

00:22:58.669 --> 00:23:02.047
Thank you, Your Honour.
Nice doing business with you.

00:23:09.430 --> 00:23:14.142
Children, I've been
contemplating our situation

00:23:14.226 --> 00:23:19.564
and I realise that I've been
a bit standoffish, shall we say?

00:23:19.648 --> 00:23:22.150
Which in this case
is a big, big word meaning...

00:23:22.234 --> 00:23:23.735
Pure evil.

00:23:23.819 --> 00:23:26.696
...tough but fair.

00:23:26.781 --> 00:23:29.574
But now that we're family,
I can make it up to you.

00:23:29.658 --> 00:23:33.078
I can be the ultimate dad.

00:23:33.162 --> 00:23:35.663
I know. Let's stop for a treat.

00:23:40.086 --> 00:23:42.045
Soda. Soda. Banana.

00:23:42.713 --> 00:23:44.047
Bite me.

00:23:44.131 --> 00:23:45.590
Got it.

00:24:05.152 --> 00:24:06.277
Violet.

00:24:07.404 --> 00:24:09.155
Where'd the locks go?

00:24:16.580 --> 00:24:20.375
Hello. I'm going on a perfectly
innocent ride in the country

00:24:20.459 --> 00:24:23.253
with my kids, whom I love.

00:24:23.337 --> 00:24:24.796
Is that clock correct?

00:24:31.137 --> 00:24:33.012
What is it?

00:24:33.556 --> 00:24:35.682
I think it's a schedule.

00:24:56.245 --> 00:25:00.415
Kiwi Watermelon Surprise. My favourite.

00:25:11.802 --> 00:25:13.303
Go!

00:25:18.434 --> 00:25:19.684
He took the keys.

00:25:19.935 --> 00:25:21.186
Try everything.

00:25:29.612 --> 00:25:32.572
Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing

00:25:36.076 --> 00:25:37.827
Count Olaf? Hello. Poe.

00:25:37.953 --> 00:25:40.872
I'm calling about that
inheritance question you raised.

00:25:40.956 --> 00:25:42.874
- Thank goodness.
- Who is this?

00:25:43.083 --> 00:25:44.918
It's Violet. We're in Count Olaf's car.

00:25:45.127 --> 00:25:47.253
Hello, Violet. Where's Count Olaf?

00:25:47.338 --> 00:25:50.798
- He's not here right now, but...
- You're driving the car alone?

00:25:50.966 --> 00:25:53.843
The car is on the train tracks
and the train is coming.

00:25:53.928 --> 00:25:58.264
I'm sorry, Violet, I can't hear a thing.
I'm driving next to a train!

00:25:58.349 --> 00:26:00.516
We're going to be hit by a train.

00:26:00.643 --> 00:26:04.604
Right. Yes.
I can't hear because of the train!

00:26:04.772 --> 00:26:07.941
I'll call you back
when I get to the bank! Goodbye!

00:26:13.489 --> 00:26:16.824
Klaus, you've read books on trains.

00:26:17.243 --> 00:26:18.493
What do we do?

00:26:24.917 --> 00:26:26.292
Track switcher.

00:26:26.543 --> 00:26:27.835
There!

00:26:31.799 --> 00:26:33.424
- It's too far away.
- No.

00:26:33.509 --> 00:26:35.969
There has to be something
we can use to pull it.

00:26:36.053 --> 00:26:38.930
- There's nothing in here.
- There's always something.

00:26:40.808 --> 00:26:42.684
Sunny, bite the head off that elf.

00:26:42.977 --> 00:26:44.519
Love to!

00:27:17.970 --> 00:27:19.178
Quick, pull it back in.

00:27:25.728 --> 00:27:27.812
- Violet.
- I got it.

00:27:27.896 --> 00:27:30.064
I don't mean to rush you.

00:27:35.654 --> 00:27:37.238
- Nice shot.
- Thank you. Pull.

00:28:39.134 --> 00:28:41.260
Mr Poe. Dear Mr Poe.

00:28:41.345 --> 00:28:43.679
Can't we discuss this
like reasonable men?

00:28:43.764 --> 00:28:47.558
I'm sorry, but allowing a child
of Sunny's age to drive a car

00:28:47.643 --> 00:28:48.893
is not good parenting.

00:28:48.977 --> 00:28:51.145
- He tried to kill us.
- Let us not exaggerate.

00:28:51.230 --> 00:28:53.314
The vehicle was not even in gear.

00:28:54.316 --> 00:28:56.526
May I have

00:28:56.610 --> 00:28:58.653
a moment alone with the children?

00:29:03.742 --> 00:29:05.451
Goodbye, kids.

00:29:05.702 --> 00:29:07.620
It's been fun.

00:29:07.704 --> 00:29:08.788
I'm going to get you.

00:29:08.872 --> 00:29:13.292
No matter where you go,
no matter what you do, I'll find you.

00:29:13.377 --> 00:29:15.169
You are so deceased.

00:29:20.759 --> 00:29:22.677
Take them, Mr Poe.

00:29:23.762 --> 00:29:25.972
Before I lose it big time.

00:29:27.307 --> 00:29:30.560
Trumping a talentless villain
might seem all in a day's work

00:29:30.644 --> 00:29:32.687
for three ingenious orphans,

00:29:32.855 --> 00:29:35.440
but the Baudelaires
savoured their victory

00:29:35.524 --> 00:29:38.025
as they sped towards their new home.

00:29:38.110 --> 00:29:40.528
What lay ahead for them was unclear,

00:29:40.863 --> 00:29:44.073
but they remained cautiously optimistic
that their next guardian

00:29:44.158 --> 00:29:45.867
would be better than the last,

00:29:46.201 --> 00:29:50.246
or at least wouldn't try
to flatten them with a train.

00:29:56.545 --> 00:29:59.338
Do you know
what kind of scientist he is?

00:29:59.715 --> 00:30:02.633
I don't. I was far too busy
making arrangements.

00:30:02.718 --> 00:30:05.553
- I didn't have time for chitchat.
- Hello!

00:30:06.013 --> 00:30:09.640
Oh, my goodness.

00:30:09.892 --> 00:30:13.060
Look at you. You must be Violet.

00:30:13.145 --> 00:30:14.437
Do you remember me?

00:30:14.521 --> 00:30:18.191
I don't suppose so, you were
just a little baby at the time.

00:30:18.275 --> 00:30:21.277
And, Klaus, we've never met.
How do you...

00:30:21.904 --> 00:30:24.906
What a firm grip.
Like a Burmese python.

00:30:25.240 --> 00:30:27.575
And Sunny. Little Sunny.

00:30:27.659 --> 00:30:30.912
You look so much like your dear mother.

00:30:31.038 --> 00:30:34.081
Thank you very much, Mr Poe.
I'll take it from here.

00:30:35.042 --> 00:30:38.669
- Well, perhaps I should come inside.
- By all means.

00:30:39.421 --> 00:30:41.506
You could help us
pick out the gut worms

00:30:41.590 --> 00:30:43.925
from the bowel of the Viscid Boa.

00:30:44.009 --> 00:30:46.052
Children, remember,

00:30:46.261 --> 00:30:50.806
if you need me any time,
you can reach me by phone or fax.

00:30:50.974 --> 00:30:52.433
Good day.

00:30:56.104 --> 00:30:58.105
Well, we got rid of him, didn't we?

00:30:58.315 --> 00:30:59.398
Come in. Come in.

00:30:59.483 --> 00:31:01.776
There's not much time
and we have to pack.

00:31:02.778 --> 00:31:03.903
Pack?

00:31:06.573 --> 00:31:08.407
- Did you say "pack"?
- Yes.

00:31:08.492 --> 00:31:11.035
We have to pack all the equipment.

00:31:11.286 --> 00:31:13.913
Then there's the essentials like clothing.

00:31:13.997 --> 00:31:16.374
And we have to tag the snakes
who are coming with us.

00:31:16.458 --> 00:31:17.708
Coming where?

00:31:17.793 --> 00:31:20.836
- Did I mention we're going to Peru?
- No.

00:31:20.963 --> 00:31:23.839
Yes, we are going to Peru.
Tomorrow morning.

00:31:23.924 --> 00:31:25.550
Isn't that exciting?

00:31:26.218 --> 00:31:27.718
This way to the Reptile Room.

00:31:30.305 --> 00:31:33.599
Welcome to my humble abode.

00:31:33.767 --> 00:31:36.727
You children know anything
about snakes?

00:31:36.812 --> 00:31:38.854
Only what I've read in books.

00:31:38.939 --> 00:31:41.065
No, not very much.

00:31:41.149 --> 00:31:45.278
Well, we may have one or two things
here that aren't in books.

00:31:46.488 --> 00:31:48.489
I'll just put the big fellow in his bed

00:31:48.574 --> 00:31:51.284
and introduce you
to a few of me friends.

00:31:52.327 --> 00:31:53.744
Over here...

00:31:53.829 --> 00:31:57.540
- That's the two-headed cobra.
- Well spotted.

00:31:57.624 --> 00:31:59.208
Is that a he or a she?

00:31:59.293 --> 00:32:02.128
I have no idea.
Didn't think it polite to ask.

00:32:02.212 --> 00:32:05.631
And over here,
the Tibetan Third Eye Toad.

00:32:05.716 --> 00:32:10.011
We can't stop this fellow chanting.

00:32:10.095 --> 00:32:14.098
And now, children,
you have to see my latest discovery.

00:32:14.182 --> 00:32:16.892
Found him in Tanzania. One of a kind.

00:32:16.977 --> 00:32:19.186
The Incredibly Deadly Viper.

00:32:19.855 --> 00:32:24.400
My assistant Gustav and I may be
the only people ever to have seen him.

00:32:50.802 --> 00:32:54.388
I'm sorry. My ribbon just jammed.

00:32:54.473 --> 00:32:56.432
Let me just adjust it here.

00:32:59.394 --> 00:33:00.686
There we are.

00:33:00.771 --> 00:33:02.021
Now...

00:33:02.898 --> 00:33:04.065
Where was I?

00:33:04.191 --> 00:33:07.026
Yes. The attack
of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

00:33:08.236 --> 00:33:11.489
Not to worry, little one. You're all right.

00:33:11.573 --> 00:33:14.450
It can't possibly harm you. Here we go.

00:33:14.534 --> 00:33:17.953
The Incredibly Deadly Viper
couldn't have harmed her?

00:33:18.038 --> 00:33:19.205
No, no.

00:33:21.667 --> 00:33:23.292
It's a big softy.

00:33:23.377 --> 00:33:27.505
One of the least harmful and friendliest
creatures in the animal kingdom.

00:33:27.589 --> 00:33:28.923
It's a misnomer.

00:33:29.007 --> 00:33:32.259
I only called him that to play a prank
on those stuffed shirts

00:33:32.344 --> 00:33:34.804
down at the Herpetological Society.

00:33:34.888 --> 00:33:36.889
Uncle Monty, why are we going to Peru?

00:33:37.766 --> 00:33:39.642
Just this morning I was wondering,

00:33:39.726 --> 00:33:42.353
"How are we all going to
get out of town together?"

00:33:42.437 --> 00:33:46.315
And I thought, "Peru."
They have snakes in Peru, don't they?

00:33:46.400 --> 00:33:49.110
But why are we getting out of town?

00:33:50.112 --> 00:33:54.490
Violet, do you know snakes are more
afraid of you than you are of them?

00:33:55.534 --> 00:33:57.368
Few people do.

00:33:57.786 --> 00:34:00.371
When threatened,
a snake will retreat to a place

00:34:00.455 --> 00:34:03.708
that is quiet, safe, remote.

00:34:05.043 --> 00:34:07.294
A sanctuary

00:34:07.379 --> 00:34:10.464
where it can feel out of danger.

00:34:12.092 --> 00:34:14.343
That's why Peru.

00:34:17.931 --> 00:34:20.307
Wait. That spyglass.
I saw one like that...

00:34:20.392 --> 00:34:22.476
Plenty of time for chitchat later.

00:34:22.811 --> 00:34:25.521
But right now what I need is an inventor,

00:34:25.605 --> 00:34:27.189
a reader

00:34:27.274 --> 00:34:28.816
and a biter.

00:34:28.900 --> 00:34:30.484
Know any?

00:34:30.610 --> 00:34:33.696
My teeth are at your service, Sir...

00:34:37.826 --> 00:34:42.329
High upon Highlands and low upon Tay

00:34:43.623 --> 00:34:48.878
Bonnie George Campbell
rode out on a day

00:34:49.337 --> 00:34:54.425
Saddled and bridled, so gallant rode he

00:34:55.594 --> 00:35:00.765
Home came his good horse
but never came he

00:35:03.059 --> 00:35:06.353
Petunia, what have I told you about this?

00:35:07.022 --> 00:35:08.939
She thinks I'm a tree, you know.

00:35:09.900 --> 00:35:11.442
I think I know that song.

00:35:11.526 --> 00:35:14.236
I think... I think our parents
used to play it for us.

00:35:14.321 --> 00:35:17.823
They certainly did, as I did for mine.

00:35:17.908 --> 00:35:20.576
- You had children?
- Oh, yes.

00:35:21.453 --> 00:35:24.246
And a wife and a home.

00:35:25.373 --> 00:35:26.749
Until the fire.

00:35:28.001 --> 00:35:29.210
A fire?

00:35:30.837 --> 00:35:33.923
I may know better than anyone
what you're going through.

00:35:35.383 --> 00:35:36.926
But it's going to be all right.

00:35:37.469 --> 00:35:39.637
We'll be among people
who understand us.

00:35:39.721 --> 00:35:42.139
People who are like us.

00:35:42.224 --> 00:35:47.728
People who appreciate unique children
who can read and invent and

00:35:48.647 --> 00:35:50.105
bite things.

00:35:52.609 --> 00:35:55.778
Uncle Monty,
why are you doing all this for us?

00:35:57.322 --> 00:35:59.573
Isn't that what family does?

00:36:00.408 --> 00:36:03.702
"And so the Baudelaire children
went to Peru

00:36:03.787 --> 00:36:05.871
"and together had wonderful adventures

00:36:05.956 --> 00:36:09.333
"with their loving
and wonderful new guardian.

00:36:09.417 --> 00:36:12.044
"The end."

00:36:13.630 --> 00:36:16.590
These are the words
I desperately wish I could type.

00:36:16.675 --> 00:36:20.845
I would give anything to say
that the story ends here.

00:36:20.929 --> 00:36:25.266
But alas, my mission is not to weave
happy endings where they do not occur,

00:36:25.350 --> 00:36:27.434
but to report the actual events

00:36:27.519 --> 00:36:30.688
in the lives of
the unfortunate Baudelaire children.

00:36:31.648 --> 00:36:33.649
And as much as it pains me,

00:36:33.733 --> 00:36:37.736
I must confess that their troubles
had only just begun

00:36:37.821 --> 00:36:40.781
and it did so with two musical notes.

00:36:56.131 --> 00:36:57.548
Hello.

00:36:57.632 --> 00:37:01.969
I am looking for
Dr Montgomery Montgomery.

00:37:03.972 --> 00:37:05.890
I am Stephano.

00:37:05.974 --> 00:37:10.352
I am an Italian man
and I am here to assist him

00:37:10.437 --> 00:37:13.480
in his research as best I can

00:37:13.565 --> 00:37:17.735
as well as to facilitate
and remain observatory.

00:37:17.819 --> 00:37:19.403
You're Count Olaf.

00:37:24.534 --> 00:37:28.370
Now, why would you say
something like that?

00:37:28.455 --> 00:37:32.207
I have never met
such a person as a Count Olaf,

00:37:32.292 --> 00:37:34.084
but...

00:37:34.169 --> 00:37:40.007
If I had I'm sure he would look
and sound completely different.

00:37:40.091 --> 00:37:42.259
You're Olaf and we're not letting you in.

00:37:48.183 --> 00:37:53.062
Well, perhaps you should
re-evaluate your hypothesis.

00:37:53.146 --> 00:37:57.691
Anyway, that's why you should
never run with one of these, kids.

00:37:57.776 --> 00:38:01.111
Words of wisdom indeed, Mr Stephano.

00:38:01.196 --> 00:38:03.530
You caught me being a mentor.

00:38:03.615 --> 00:38:06.367
And bless you for coming
at such short notice.

00:38:06.451 --> 00:38:08.452
Not at all, not at all.

00:38:08.536 --> 00:38:12.581
My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick
and phoned not one hour ago.

00:38:12.666 --> 00:38:14.708
He'd give anything to be here right now.

00:38:18.797 --> 00:38:20.798
Thank goodness you were available.

00:38:20.882 --> 00:38:25.302
Well, I am... I am a fan, if I may gush.

00:38:25.929 --> 00:38:29.223
Your work has profoundly
influenced my research

00:38:29.307 --> 00:38:33.143
up at the Monterey Bay Aquarium

00:38:34.521 --> 00:38:35.771
on the sea snake.

00:38:36.231 --> 00:38:39.608
- It's a very volatile animal, that...
- Perhaps we should...

00:38:39.693 --> 00:38:44.780
I've been bitten 43... 700 times.

00:38:44.864 --> 00:38:49.660
Mostly on the face.
A lot of this has been reconstructed.

00:38:49.744 --> 00:38:51.662
But I think they did one heck of a job,

00:38:51.746 --> 00:38:55.082
even though my moustache
is a tad askew.

00:38:55.625 --> 00:38:57.710
You can't be buying this.

00:38:57.919 --> 00:39:01.505
But I wonder if I could get the kids
to help me in with my bags.

00:39:01.589 --> 00:39:04.508
My left side is somewhat
neurologically challenged.

00:39:04.592 --> 00:39:07.052
- But of course. Children...
- Uncle Monty...

00:39:07.137 --> 00:39:08.345
Please.

00:39:08.430 --> 00:39:12.808
Let us not be rude to our guest.
Now, go on.

00:39:13.935 --> 00:39:16.562
- What's he up to?
- I don't know.

00:39:16.646 --> 00:39:21.233
There is no good moment, of course,
for a notorious villain to arrive,

00:39:21.317 --> 00:39:23.444
but the timing of Olaf's reappearance,

00:39:23.528 --> 00:39:27.239
just when Dr Montgomery's secret
could be revealed to the children,

00:39:27.323 --> 00:39:29.908
was almost more than Klaus could bear.

00:39:29.993 --> 00:39:31.702
Violet, listen to me.

00:39:31.786 --> 00:39:35.414
Monty's spyglass.
I saw the exact same one in Dad's desk.

00:39:36.041 --> 00:39:37.750
Klaus, it's just a coincidence.

00:39:37.834 --> 00:39:41.253
Violet, no.
Everything happens for a reason.

00:39:41.337 --> 00:39:44.506
The children will be helping us
with the research in Peru.

00:39:44.591 --> 00:39:46.133
Do you have any experience
with children?

00:39:46.217 --> 00:39:49.136
Children are strange and foreign to me.

00:39:50.346 --> 00:39:52.014
I never really was one.

00:39:52.098 --> 00:39:55.559
I know that they are an important part
of the ecosystem.

00:39:55.810 --> 00:39:57.811
He's never gonna let us alone
with Monty.

00:39:57.979 --> 00:40:01.023
- We've got to get a message to him.
- Leave that to me.

00:40:02.567 --> 00:40:04.985
I was feeding the moray,

00:40:05.361 --> 00:40:09.073
and of course I got cocky.

00:40:09.324 --> 00:40:13.077
And that's all it takes.
That's all it takes is one time.

00:40:15.705 --> 00:40:16.997
Just once.

00:40:17.332 --> 00:40:20.000
I had the kipper in my mouth
and I offered it.

00:40:20.335 --> 00:40:24.213
And there was a team from
National Geographic that were there.

00:40:24.297 --> 00:40:25.714
They were filming the whole thing

00:40:25.799 --> 00:40:29.176
and, well, a lot of people
don't know this about the moray,

00:40:29.511 --> 00:40:32.888
but you think this can't be
a tremendously strong animal.

00:40:33.014 --> 00:40:35.390
Sure, it has a certain amount
of strength,

00:40:35.975 --> 00:40:38.560
but how does it pull a man's face
into a cave?

00:40:38.686 --> 00:40:43.273
Anyway, long story short,
the bends, the reconstructive surgery,

00:40:43.358 --> 00:40:48.779
but yes, from my understanding,
Peru is a wonderful place.

00:40:49.239 --> 00:40:51.073
The beaches. The people.

00:40:51.157 --> 00:40:53.742
The relaxed guardianship laws.

00:40:53.868 --> 00:40:55.661
Relaxed guardianship laws?

00:40:57.205 --> 00:40:59.164
Did I say that?

00:41:00.458 --> 00:41:01.750
Darn neurotoxins.

00:41:02.252 --> 00:41:06.797
Stephano, you have
a wonderful gift for storytelling.

00:41:06.923 --> 00:41:09.716
- Doesn't he, children?
- Oh, yeah.

00:41:09.801 --> 00:41:12.803
I was wondering if you wouldn't mind
milking Petunia for me.

00:41:12.887 --> 00:41:14.221
Petunia.

00:41:14.639 --> 00:41:16.390
Well, the milking...

00:41:16.558 --> 00:41:19.726
Now, see, what I was... Could I just...

00:41:20.019 --> 00:41:23.355
Yeah, sure. I'll take a shot at that.

00:41:23.565 --> 00:41:25.691
Now, they used to
call me Old MacDonald

00:41:25.775 --> 00:41:27.359
up at the milking lab there.

00:41:27.443 --> 00:41:29.194
I'd milk these things all day long.

00:41:29.279 --> 00:41:32.739
But the little udders,
they're hard to locate.

00:41:34.492 --> 00:41:37.744
Anyway, why don't you take that

00:41:37.829 --> 00:41:40.706
and go ahead and
start the party without me.

00:41:40.790 --> 00:41:43.125
I'm not sure I brought my milking gear.

00:41:43.209 --> 00:41:45.419
I'll take a gander.

00:41:57.098 --> 00:41:58.849
Is he still watching?

00:41:59.809 --> 00:42:01.226
Yes.

00:42:01.311 --> 00:42:04.104
Don't look at me.
Pretend you're talking to Klaus.

00:42:04.189 --> 00:42:05.606
Okay.

00:42:05.690 --> 00:42:09.109
I got your message. Don't worry, I know.

00:42:09.194 --> 00:42:11.320
- You do?
- Yes.

00:42:11.404 --> 00:42:14.656
A moray eel would never eat kippers.
Far too salty.

00:42:14.741 --> 00:42:17.409
Did you see the way
he kept glancing into my satchel

00:42:17.493 --> 00:42:19.703
where I keep the exotic snake venoms?

00:42:19.787 --> 00:42:23.832
You children were right.
Stephano is an imposter.

00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:25.125
- Yes.
- Yeah.

00:42:25.293 --> 00:42:27.336
A spy from the Herpetological Society,

00:42:27.420 --> 00:42:29.546
here to steal
the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

00:42:29.631 --> 00:42:30.631
No. Uncle Monty...

00:42:33.051 --> 00:42:35.969
Darn. All finished.

00:42:36.054 --> 00:42:38.972
I was so looking forward to the milking.

00:42:39.057 --> 00:42:41.767
Isn't it about time you kids went to bed?

00:42:41.851 --> 00:42:43.268
Absolutely.

00:42:43.353 --> 00:42:45.938
Early start tomorrow, children.

00:42:46.022 --> 00:42:47.648
Off you go.

00:42:48.149 --> 00:42:49.858
Good night.

00:42:54.822 --> 00:42:58.492
And if you kids should
get restless during the night,

00:42:58.576 --> 00:43:02.663
I'm right down the hall
and I'm a very light sleeper.

00:43:02.747 --> 00:43:07.167
In fact, I hardly sleep at all.

00:43:19.138 --> 00:43:21.223
Do you have a hall pass?

00:43:24.852 --> 00:43:26.561
I didn't think so.

00:43:27.605 --> 00:43:31.191
Petunia, I'm going to miss you.

00:43:32.860 --> 00:43:36.613
You're such a good girl, aren't you?

00:43:36.698 --> 00:43:38.865
Such a pretty girl.

00:43:38.950 --> 00:43:42.869
You are. Yes, you are.

00:43:44.414 --> 00:43:47.457
Yes, you are.

00:43:48.084 --> 00:43:51.628
It is a curious thing,
the death of a loved one.

00:43:53.423 --> 00:43:55.257
Uncle Monty?

00:43:55.341 --> 00:43:58.427
It's like walking up the stairs
to your bedroom in the dark

00:43:58.511 --> 00:44:01.930
and thinking that there's
one more stair than there is.

00:44:02.015 --> 00:44:04.599
Your foot falls down through the air

00:44:04.684 --> 00:44:07.477
and there's a sickly moment
of dark surprise.

00:44:10.106 --> 00:44:11.440
Uncle Monty?

00:44:16.738 --> 00:44:19.573
The children's grief
was not only for their uncle,

00:44:19.657 --> 00:44:22.659
but for that tender hope that
they may have found home again.

00:44:24.245 --> 00:44:26.997
A hope which,
thanks to a villainous actor,

00:44:27.081 --> 00:44:30.000
was now slowly tumbling away.

00:44:32.837 --> 00:44:35.922
I do feel somewhat responsible
for this tragedy.

00:44:36.007 --> 00:44:40.761
I should've taken it upon myself to warn
him that the Incredibly Deadly Viper

00:44:40.845 --> 00:44:44.056
is the most deadly snake
in the entire ecosystem.

00:44:44.140 --> 00:44:47.351
I should know. I discovered it.

00:44:47.435 --> 00:44:50.604
- You what?
- Detective?

00:44:51.105 --> 00:44:55.025
Little girl, the big cage door is open,
no snake. Dead guy.

00:44:55.109 --> 00:44:56.568
You know what I'm thinking?

00:44:56.652 --> 00:45:00.155
"Who woke me up
at 9:00 in the morning for this?"

00:45:00.239 --> 00:45:03.033
It's definitely a snake bite.
There's no question about it.

00:45:03.117 --> 00:45:05.285
Snake bite, no question. Thanks, doc.

00:45:05.453 --> 00:45:06.453
No, you don't understand.

00:45:06.537 --> 00:45:08.413
The Incredibly Deadly Viper
couldn't have killed him.

00:45:08.539 --> 00:45:10.707
It's one of the least dangerous
and most friendly creatures

00:45:10.792 --> 00:45:12.626
in the animal kingdom.

00:45:12.794 --> 00:45:14.711
Mind if I skip the paperwork on this?

00:45:14.796 --> 00:45:16.671
I think that'd be best.

00:45:16.756 --> 00:45:19.216
These kids have been through
a major upheaval.

00:45:19.300 --> 00:45:22.761
I wonder if it's a good idea even
to change their plans at this point.

00:45:22.845 --> 00:45:26.056
We were headed for Peru tomorrow

00:45:26.224 --> 00:45:28.433
- and the tickets are non-refundable.
- No.

00:45:28.518 --> 00:45:29.726
Doc, what do you think?

00:45:29.811 --> 00:45:32.521
Could be the only chance
for them to get closure.

00:45:32.605 --> 00:45:33.939
Closure. Thank you, doc.

00:45:34.023 --> 00:45:35.232
I'll handle this.

00:45:35.316 --> 00:45:37.651
From interviews with witnesses
there that day,

00:45:37.735 --> 00:45:41.363
I have learnt the following about
the youngest Baudelaire's plan,

00:45:41.447 --> 00:45:45.700
brave Sunny started here and
approached the Incredibly Deadly Viper

00:45:45.785 --> 00:45:47.786
with single-minded determination.

00:45:47.870 --> 00:45:51.081
No, he's Count Olaf
and that doctor is his accomplice.

00:45:51.165 --> 00:45:52.749
He tried to kill us with a train.

00:45:52.834 --> 00:45:56.128
- Where would he get a train?
- Where am I gonna get a train?

00:45:56.212 --> 00:45:58.004
That's enough of this foolishness.

00:45:58.131 --> 00:46:00.757
Mr Stephano bears
no resemblance to Count Olaf.

00:46:00.842 --> 00:46:04.428
Who is this incredibly handsome
Count Olaf they keep speaking of?

00:46:04.512 --> 00:46:08.265
Count Olaf is their old guardian
who made an error in judgement.

00:46:09.267 --> 00:46:10.684
What about the tattoo?

00:46:10.977 --> 00:46:13.311
Count Olaf had a tattoo of an eye
on his ankle.

00:46:14.021 --> 00:46:16.189
Anything for the kids.

00:46:17.859 --> 00:46:20.527
Voilà! Spick-and-span.

00:46:20.778 --> 00:46:23.029
He's an actor.
He covered it with makeup.

00:46:24.949 --> 00:46:29.327
Doctor, I wonder if you could help me
escort these children to the vehicle.

00:46:29.412 --> 00:46:31.913
- No, Mr Poe.
- We'll send a postcard.

00:46:32.039 --> 00:46:34.624
About one thing
all the witnesses agreed.

00:46:34.709 --> 00:46:39.337
The sound they heard next
was so shocking, so surprising,

00:46:39.714 --> 00:46:41.548
it still haunts them to this day.

00:46:51.976 --> 00:46:55.645
Damn it.
This was such a good character.

00:47:18.753 --> 00:47:21.421
Bum buttery bluebird is singing a tune

00:47:21.631 --> 00:47:23.173
Rest assured, children,

00:47:23.257 --> 00:47:26.343
the authorities are in hot pursuit
of Mr Stephano,

00:47:26.427 --> 00:47:29.971
from his eyebrow-less forehead
to his un-tattooed ankle.

00:47:30.056 --> 00:47:32.140
The Italian fiend.

00:47:32.225 --> 00:47:34.893
Though still in the clutches
of a clueless banker,

00:47:34.977 --> 00:47:37.896
the Baudelaires celebrated
their unmasking of Olaf

00:47:37.980 --> 00:47:41.691
as they skimmed their way across
the icy surface of Lake Lachrymose.

00:47:41.776 --> 00:47:45.529
But Klaus wasn't the sort to think
on the surface of anything.

00:47:46.030 --> 00:47:48.198
He knew there was something
beneath their journey,

00:47:48.282 --> 00:47:51.117
even though all he had to go on
was a spyglass,

00:47:51.285 --> 00:47:55.539
the knowledge of another terrible fire
and two words on a slip of paper.

00:47:55.623 --> 00:47:57.541
Aunt Josephine?

00:47:58.292 --> 00:47:59.918
Never heard of her.

00:48:01.462 --> 00:48:05.340
Does it strike you as odd that
none of our relatives are related to us?

00:48:22.149 --> 00:48:23.608
Aunt Josephine?

00:48:25.403 --> 00:48:27.153
Baudelaires?

00:48:27.238 --> 00:48:29.447
- Is that you?
- Yes.

00:48:31.325 --> 00:48:32.784
Good.

00:48:32.868 --> 00:48:33.868
Come in. Come in.

00:48:33.953 --> 00:48:36.997
Hurricane Herman is about to arrive
at any time now.

00:48:39.292 --> 00:48:42.544
Violet. Look at you.

00:48:42.628 --> 00:48:44.045
Hello.

00:48:44.130 --> 00:48:46.172
Come in, quickly. Quickly, children.

00:48:46.257 --> 00:48:47.757
- What?
- What's the matter?

00:48:47.967 --> 00:48:49.175
Not that quickly.

00:48:49.260 --> 00:48:51.636
You could trip over the welcome mat

00:48:51.929 --> 00:48:53.680
and decapitate yourselves.

00:48:54.682 --> 00:48:56.891
So... Quickly.

00:48:57.310 --> 00:48:59.269
But not too quickly. All right?

00:49:13.909 --> 00:49:17.078
I'm sorry. It's so chilly in here.

00:49:17.163 --> 00:49:21.374
Sometimes it gets so cold
I can hardly stand it.

00:49:21.459 --> 00:49:24.127
Would you like me to
turn the radiator up for you?

00:49:24.211 --> 00:49:28.173
No, I never turn on the radiator.
I'm frightened that it might explode.

00:49:29.592 --> 00:49:34.471
Children, I must ask you not to use
any of the doorknobs in the house.

00:49:34.555 --> 00:49:37.641
Just push on the wood of the door

00:49:37.725 --> 00:49:39.309
and it'll open.

00:49:39.393 --> 00:49:40.644
Why?

00:49:40.728 --> 00:49:44.939
I'm always afraid that the doorknobs
will shatter into a million tiny pieces

00:49:45.024 --> 00:49:46.858
and one of them will hit my eye.

00:49:48.527 --> 00:49:51.071
Someone's been to crazy town.

00:49:51.572 --> 00:49:53.323
"Delmo" is not a word.

00:49:54.492 --> 00:49:57.661
I can see that I'm going to have
to teach her proper English.

00:50:03.501 --> 00:50:07.796
Grammar is the greatest joy in life,
don't you find?

00:50:08.005 --> 00:50:09.464
- Definitely.
- I love grammar.

00:50:09.548 --> 00:50:12.592
She's the Mayorof crazy town.

00:50:18.265 --> 00:50:20.266
Perfect. Nice hot soup.

00:50:20.685 --> 00:50:24.187
Actually, it's chilled cucumber soup.

00:50:24.271 --> 00:50:25.855
I never cook anything hot.

00:50:25.940 --> 00:50:29.275
I'm afraid that the stove
will burst into flames.

00:50:29.360 --> 00:50:31.611
- Where's your brother?
- The kitchen.

00:50:32.863 --> 00:50:34.114
Klaus?

00:50:34.615 --> 00:50:36.116
What are you doing?

00:50:36.492 --> 00:50:37.492
Napkins.

00:50:37.993 --> 00:50:39.452
Napkins are here.

00:50:40.079 --> 00:50:42.956
Come away from the fridge.
If it falls, it'll crush you flat.

00:50:44.458 --> 00:50:46.126
All right.

00:50:46.877 --> 00:50:48.962
Would you like to see some pictures?

00:50:52.800 --> 00:50:55.176
Careful. Don't get a paper cut.

00:50:58.264 --> 00:50:59.639
Is this lke?

00:51:01.642 --> 00:51:02.809
Wasn't he handsome?

00:51:07.648 --> 00:51:10.233
Look at all the things you did,
Aunt Josephine.

00:51:10.317 --> 00:51:12.235
You tamed lions?

00:51:12.319 --> 00:51:15.989
I was quite adventurous

00:51:16.073 --> 00:51:17.907
when lke was alive.

00:51:32.381 --> 00:51:35.008
Uncle Monty? You knew Uncle Monty?

00:51:35.092 --> 00:51:37.802
No. That's not a good picture of me.

00:51:37.887 --> 00:51:39.345
Wait, is...

00:51:39.430 --> 00:51:42.056
- Is that our parents?
- Was this some sort of club?

00:51:43.142 --> 00:51:45.643
Why do you all have these spyglasses?

00:51:45.728 --> 00:51:50.774
I don't like the way I look in that picture.

00:51:54.528 --> 00:51:56.446
Did lke die in a fire?

00:51:58.491 --> 00:52:00.784
Silly child, no.

00:52:01.035 --> 00:52:03.369
He was eaten by leeches.

00:52:04.914 --> 00:52:06.539
Okay.

00:52:06.624 --> 00:52:07.832
Come, I'll show you.

00:52:13.214 --> 00:52:15.465
Watch the chandelier, children.

00:52:15.549 --> 00:52:17.759
If it falls, it'll impale you.

00:52:38.239 --> 00:52:43.660
Ike and I explored every cove
and inlet of Lake Lachrymose,

00:52:43.744 --> 00:52:46.287
from Horrid Harbour

00:52:46.372 --> 00:52:51.501
all the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.

00:52:51.585 --> 00:52:54.587
And near that rock
is where the leeches attacked.

00:52:58.259 --> 00:53:01.636
Lachrymose leeches have six rows
of very sharp teeth

00:53:01.720 --> 00:53:03.179
and one very sharp nose.

00:53:03.264 --> 00:53:08.184
They are blind, but they can smell food
on a human from miles away.

00:53:08.269 --> 00:53:12.272
And if they smell food, they will swarm.

00:53:15.442 --> 00:53:20.613
I told him, "lke, you must wait one hour
before going into the water."

00:53:21.115 --> 00:53:22.448
But

00:53:23.534 --> 00:53:27.453
he only waited 45 minutes.

00:53:38.132 --> 00:53:40.174
I apologise, children.

00:53:43.637 --> 00:53:46.973
That area is private.
That was lke's room.

00:53:51.770 --> 00:53:54.105
God, I hate it here.

00:53:55.524 --> 00:53:58.151
Well, Aunt Josephine,

00:53:58.569 --> 00:54:01.529
have you ever thought of maybe
moving someplace else?

00:54:01.614 --> 00:54:05.450
Maybe if you moved away from
Lake Lachrymose you might feel better.

00:54:05.534 --> 00:54:07.911
I could never,

00:54:07.995 --> 00:54:12.248
never, never, never sell this house.

00:54:13.500 --> 00:54:15.585
I'm terrified of realtors.

00:54:15.961 --> 00:54:18.588
There are two kinds of fears,

00:54:18.714 --> 00:54:21.466
rational and irrational.

00:54:22.217 --> 00:54:25.637
Being afraid of realtors
is an irrational fear.

00:54:25.721 --> 00:54:27.347
Is this a bad time?

00:54:32.811 --> 00:54:34.812
We gotta get her out of the house.

00:54:42.488 --> 00:54:44.113
Watch out for those avocados.

00:54:44.198 --> 00:54:46.658
The pit could become lodged
in our throats.

00:54:46.825 --> 00:54:50.995
And watch out for that cart.
It could break free and run us over.

00:54:52.373 --> 00:54:54.248
Everything's fine, Aunt Josephine.

00:54:55.501 --> 00:54:58.044
Lord tunderin' jumped up Jehovah.

00:54:58.128 --> 00:54:59.587
Is it the black plague?

00:54:59.713 --> 00:55:02.298
No, that there was all my fault, eywah.

00:55:02.383 --> 00:55:07.011
Can't tell ya how sorry I is for running
into your sister there like that.

00:55:07.096 --> 00:55:10.348
- Aunt Josephine...
- Couple of right beauties ya are, mum.

00:55:10.891 --> 00:55:11.975
Especially you.

00:55:12.059 --> 00:55:13.434
Aunt Josephine...

00:55:13.727 --> 00:55:17.814
- Allow me to introduce meself.
- No, allow Klaus and I to introduce him.

00:55:17.898 --> 00:55:19.983
Klaus and me.

00:55:20.067 --> 00:55:22.902
- It doesn't matter. This is...
- Doesn't matter?

00:55:24.196 --> 00:55:25.697
Are you jiggin' me, girl?

00:55:25.781 --> 00:55:29.242
Why, perhaps it's just the ramblin's
of an expert fisherman,

00:55:29.326 --> 00:55:32.787
but grammar is the number one
most important thing

00:55:32.871 --> 00:55:35.248
in this here world to me.

00:55:35.332 --> 00:55:36.332
It is?

00:55:36.417 --> 00:55:37.667
Is she desperate?

00:55:37.751 --> 00:55:38.835
It's the whole ball of wax.

00:55:38.919 --> 00:55:42.422
The entire kit 'n caboodle.
Why, without your good grammar,

00:55:42.798 --> 00:55:46.801
the whole darn shootin' match
could go arse over tea kettle.

00:55:46.885 --> 00:55:50.179
Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.

00:55:50.264 --> 00:55:53.182
I can flip it up and rub it down too.

00:55:53.642 --> 00:55:58.896
Course, that would be
entirely up to you, mum.

00:55:59.606 --> 00:56:01.274
Captain Sham

00:56:02.276 --> 00:56:03.568
at your service.

00:56:03.652 --> 00:56:06.362
He's lying. He's Count Olaf.

00:56:07.448 --> 00:56:10.241
That... That horrible man
you warned me about?

00:56:10.325 --> 00:56:11.993
- Where? Who?
- Right in front of you.

00:56:12.119 --> 00:56:14.370
- Where's he at?
- Behind Captain Sham?

00:56:14.455 --> 00:56:16.122
I'll show him a ting or two.

00:56:16.206 --> 00:56:18.416
I'll give him the ol' wax on,
wax off, me son.

00:56:18.500 --> 00:56:20.793
Captain Sham is Count Olaf.

00:56:21.336 --> 00:56:23.337
I'm not going through this again.

00:56:23.630 --> 00:56:25.798
Children of the corn!

00:56:28.677 --> 00:56:32.305
Why did you do this to this poor man?

00:56:33.432 --> 00:56:36.517
I'm so sorry. Sorry.

00:56:37.019 --> 00:56:39.187
That's gonna smart in the mornin'.

00:56:40.481 --> 00:56:42.732
I don't pay that no never mind, mum.

00:56:42.816 --> 00:56:46.527
He's just a boy barely out
of his OshKosh B'Gosh.

00:56:47.071 --> 00:56:50.031
I've had to deal with that
ever since me leg was chewed off

00:56:50.115 --> 00:56:51.783
by the Lachrymose leeches.

00:56:52.201 --> 00:56:54.285
Why didn't I wait an hour
before swimmin'?

00:56:54.369 --> 00:56:56.871
Why? Why? Why?

00:56:58.373 --> 00:57:01.334
- The leeches took my husband too.
- Get out of town.

00:57:01.418 --> 00:57:03.753
No, really.

00:57:03.837 --> 00:57:08.758
By jeez, them blasted leeches
doomed me to a life of hoppin', they did.

00:57:08.842 --> 00:57:11.594
Sure I get the good parkin' spots,

00:57:11.678 --> 00:57:15.973
but who could love a man with one leg
and a face like a hen's arse?

00:57:16.058 --> 00:57:19.435
I'm as lonely as a gull on a rock, girl.

00:57:19.520 --> 00:57:22.188
Oh, Captain Sham.

00:57:22.898 --> 00:57:26.859
Would you come to my house
for dinner this evening?

00:57:26.944 --> 00:57:28.069
- No.
- No.

00:57:28.153 --> 00:57:29.779
I don't know about that, mum.

00:57:29.863 --> 00:57:33.658
I'm afeared I might scuff up the floors
with this old cribbage peg.

00:57:33.742 --> 00:57:36.410
Well, I will lay down newspapers.

00:57:36.495 --> 00:57:40.498
Please, the children are going to
make a lovely dinner of Puttanesca.

00:57:40.582 --> 00:57:45.086
The very meal I ate
before they took me leg!

00:57:45.170 --> 00:57:47.296
Oh, my goodness. Well, children,

00:57:47.381 --> 00:57:49.298
I'm going to take Captain Sham home.

00:57:49.383 --> 00:57:53.845
And you stay here and shop for
an entirely Puttanesca-free dinner.

00:57:54.721 --> 00:57:58.141
- But...
- "But" is not a sentence, Klaus.

00:57:59.726 --> 00:58:02.770
- Aunt Josephine.
- Hey!

00:58:02.855 --> 00:58:04.814
You haven't paid for that.

00:58:10.237 --> 00:58:11.988
Kids today.

00:58:36.096 --> 00:58:44.604
Aunt Josephine?

00:58:47.900 --> 00:58:51.110
- Are you here?
- Aunt Jo?

00:58:52.279 --> 00:58:55.656
- Are you here?
- Aunt Josephine?

00:58:56.241 --> 00:58:57.950
Aunt Jo.

00:59:01.747 --> 00:59:04.957
Oh, no. No!

00:59:11.632 --> 00:59:17.803
We're too late.

00:59:23.644 --> 00:59:25.228
What does it say?

00:59:25.312 --> 00:59:26.979
It's a suicide note.

00:59:29.149 --> 00:59:30.691
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny,

00:59:30.776 --> 00:59:33.486
"by the time you read this
my life will be at its end.

00:59:33.570 --> 00:59:37.198
"My heart is as cold as lke
and I find life inbearable."

00:59:37.282 --> 00:59:40.284
- "Inbearable"?
- Go on.

00:59:40.369 --> 00:59:43.496
"I know you may not understand
the sad life of a dowadger..."

00:59:43.580 --> 00:59:47.875
- "Dowager" has one "D".
- Doesn't matter. Keep going.

00:59:47.960 --> 00:59:52.588
"...or what would have led
to this desperate act."

00:59:52.673 --> 00:59:54.423
"Act" is spelt with a "C".

00:59:54.508 --> 00:59:56.467
Why are you checking her spelling?

00:59:56.551 --> 01:00:00.263
Her greatest joy was grammar.
Why is she making all these mistakes?

01:00:01.223 --> 01:00:05.142
If you were about to jump out a window,
you might make a few mistakes too.

01:00:05.227 --> 01:00:07.353
"Please know that I am happier this way.

01:00:07.437 --> 01:00:10.314
"As my last will, I leave you
in the care of Captain Sham,

01:00:10.399 --> 01:00:13.109
"a kind and honourable man."

01:00:14.278 --> 01:00:16.028
That was his plan.

01:00:16.113 --> 01:00:18.864
He made her write this
and then pushed her out the window.

01:00:24.538 --> 01:00:27.456
No, it's not a suicide note.
It's a message.

01:00:28.375 --> 01:00:31.794
It's not supposed to be "lke,"
it's supposed to be "ice" with a "C".

01:00:33.380 --> 01:00:34.922
"Unbearable" with a "U".

01:00:52.691 --> 01:00:55.776
All the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.

01:00:56.445 --> 01:00:58.946
She's not dead. She's hiding.

01:00:59.239 --> 01:01:00.406
Curdled Cave?

01:01:04.661 --> 01:01:05.661
Sunny!

01:01:27.351 --> 01:01:29.393
He was investigating fires.

01:01:40.697 --> 01:01:42.323
Klaus, we gotta go.

01:01:57.714 --> 01:02:00.132
- Come away from the fridge.
- What?

01:02:00.926 --> 01:02:02.927
If it falls, it could crush you flat.

01:02:44.219 --> 01:02:45.678
No way.

01:02:56.523 --> 01:02:57.982
Is it over?

01:03:04.781 --> 01:03:08.117
Violet, you better tie your hair up.

01:03:28.138 --> 01:03:30.764
Violet, ideas?

01:03:50.285 --> 01:03:52.077
Bring me that fire extinguisher.

01:03:52.746 --> 01:03:53.746
Why?

01:03:53.830 --> 01:03:56.332
Because we need to move this anchor
over there.

01:03:56.416 --> 01:03:59.084
- What?
- Just help me.

01:04:14.017 --> 01:04:15.601
On three, we're gonna break that beam.

01:04:15.685 --> 01:04:17.353
- Break it?
- Yes.

01:04:17.437 --> 01:04:20.189
- That's the only thing keeping us up.
- Exactly.

01:04:20.273 --> 01:04:23.484
- Sure you tied your hair tight enough?
- On three.

01:04:25.153 --> 01:04:26.445
One.

01:04:26.947 --> 01:04:28.155
Two.

01:04:29.407 --> 01:04:30.658
Three.

01:04:40.377 --> 01:04:44.547
Wait.

01:04:44.631 --> 01:04:47.007
Hold on, Sunny. Now!

01:05:02.524 --> 01:05:04.275
What do we do now?

01:05:04.359 --> 01:05:06.986
She's alive.
We have to go to the authorities.

01:05:07.070 --> 01:05:08.112
No.

01:05:08.196 --> 01:05:10.489
- What?
- They won't listen. They never listen.

01:05:10.574 --> 01:05:14.868
It's Olaf. He'll never stop.
We have to find her ourselves.

01:05:17.122 --> 01:05:22.376
Hey, you kids. It's Captain Sham,
your new guardian.

01:05:22.460 --> 01:05:26.171
You just stay where you're at
and we'll come where you're to.

01:05:26.298 --> 01:05:28.591
Ever read any books on sailing?

01:05:31.094 --> 01:05:34.221
Klaus had read exactly
15 books on sailing

01:05:34.306 --> 01:05:36.890
and two books on meteorology.

01:05:36.975 --> 01:05:39.768
But it is one thing
to do something in theory,

01:05:39.853 --> 01:05:42.438
another to do it in practise.

01:05:42.522 --> 01:05:45.983
Little could have prepared them
for the crossing to Curdled Cave

01:05:46.067 --> 01:05:50.029
at the hands of an angry
and ill-humoured lake.

01:05:50.113 --> 01:05:53.782
But as the storm passed
and the waters calmed,

01:05:54.075 --> 01:05:57.995
the Baudelaires couldn't help but feel
a small sense of accomplishment.

01:05:58.079 --> 01:06:03.375
A rare moment of joy
in their otherwise woeful lives.

01:06:03.460 --> 01:06:04.793
They had made it.

01:06:04.878 --> 01:06:07.296
And if their guardian
could not rescue them,

01:06:07.380 --> 01:06:10.716
then they would rescue their guardian.

01:06:21.936 --> 01:06:58.013
Aunt Josephine?

01:07:01.518 --> 01:07:03.185
Are you in here?

01:07:14.864 --> 01:07:16.949
Aunt Josephine!

01:07:19.661 --> 01:07:22.121
Children, you did it!

01:07:22.205 --> 01:07:26.041
You deciphered the clues in my note.

01:07:26.126 --> 01:07:27.543
We're so glad you're okay.

01:07:27.627 --> 01:07:29.002
It was so horrible.

01:07:29.087 --> 01:07:32.589
Count Olaf forced me to write that will
and then it nearly killed me

01:07:32.674 --> 01:07:35.342
to add in all those grammatical errors.

01:07:36.720 --> 01:07:39.638
- So did you bring groceries?
- Groceries?

01:07:39.889 --> 01:07:42.683
- We just came through a storm.
- Well, so?

01:07:43.017 --> 01:07:46.645
How do you expect us to live in
this cave if you didn't bring any food?

01:07:46.813 --> 01:07:47.855
Live in the cave?

01:07:48.106 --> 01:07:50.441
No, Aunt Josephine,
you have to come back with us.

01:07:50.525 --> 01:07:53.444
You willed us to Captain Sham.
You're proof it's a lie.

01:07:53.695 --> 01:07:54.737
No, no, no.

01:07:54.821 --> 01:07:57.531
- It's too dangerous. I'm sorry.
- Too dangerous?

01:07:57.699 --> 01:07:59.700
You're supposed to take care of us.

01:07:59.993 --> 01:08:02.119
I'm not going to talk about it any more.

01:08:03.830 --> 01:08:07.416
You know, Aunt Josephine,
Curdled Cave is for sale.

01:08:07.667 --> 01:08:09.084
So?

01:08:09.169 --> 01:08:14.006
So, before too long,
people are gonna come to look at it

01:08:14.507 --> 01:08:18.135
and some of those people
will be realtors.

01:08:43.328 --> 01:08:46.955
Aunt Josephine, what does this mean?

01:08:48.583 --> 01:08:51.668
- Where did you find that?
- I found it in lke's room.

01:08:51.753 --> 01:08:53.796
The fires.

01:08:53.880 --> 01:08:56.131
Why was he investigating fires?

01:08:56.216 --> 01:09:00.761
We all were. Uncle Monty, lke and...

01:09:02.514 --> 01:09:04.223
Our parents.

01:09:05.099 --> 01:09:07.142
They were our leaders.

01:09:08.478 --> 01:09:11.939
Children, there are good people

01:09:12.023 --> 01:09:15.150
and bad people in the world.

01:09:15.235 --> 01:09:19.154
The ones who start the fires
and the ones who put them out.

01:09:19.239 --> 01:09:21.782
- Who's doing this?
- Is it Olaf?

01:09:22.408 --> 01:09:23.492
I've said too much already.

01:09:23.576 --> 01:09:26.829
Your parents knew the answer
and look what happened to them.

01:09:26.913 --> 01:09:28.705
Our parents?

01:09:29.415 --> 01:09:30.749
What did they say?

01:09:32.293 --> 01:09:34.211
We should never have left that cave.

01:09:34.295 --> 01:09:38.090
It's not too late for us to turn around.
I'll take my chances with the realtors.

01:09:38.174 --> 01:09:42.177
Aunt Josephine,
what did our parents say?

01:09:43.513 --> 01:09:45.264
We're going to die.

01:09:46.683 --> 01:09:47.724
What?

01:09:47.809 --> 01:09:49.977
It's the leeches!

01:09:56.985 --> 01:10:01.321
I guess it's a good thing none of us
have eaten in a while, then.

01:10:01.406 --> 01:10:02.739
Guess again.

01:10:09.831 --> 01:10:11.081
Aunt Josephine.

01:10:29.017 --> 01:10:31.184
There's a crack in the boat!

01:10:33.396 --> 01:10:34.980
Klaus, what do we do?

01:10:35.064 --> 01:10:37.316
They're eating the boat!

01:10:37.400 --> 01:10:39.902
We're sinking, sinking, sinking.

01:10:39.986 --> 01:10:43.447
- Klaus, paddle, please.
- Doomed. Doomed.

01:10:43.531 --> 01:10:45.824
Aunt Josephine, that is not helping.

01:10:51.789 --> 01:10:55.626
There's a boat. Over here! Over here!

01:10:55.710 --> 01:10:59.004
But as unpleasant as
Lachrymose leeches can be,

01:10:59.088 --> 01:11:03.425
there was something far more
unpleasant arriving out of the fog.

01:11:03.509 --> 01:11:07.679
Hello, hello, hello.

01:11:08.306 --> 01:11:11.934
I missed you guys.

01:11:12.018 --> 01:11:15.854
Looks like you could
use a little assistance.

01:11:15.939 --> 01:11:18.607
You're gonna need assistance
when we get to town.

01:11:18.691 --> 01:11:20.567
Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone.

01:11:20.693 --> 01:11:24.988
Then I'll be sent to jail and you'll
live happily with a friendly guardian,

01:11:25.073 --> 01:11:28.533
inventing and reading books,
and sharpening your little monkey teeth.

01:11:28.701 --> 01:11:31.119
Bravery and nobility will prevail at last

01:11:31.204 --> 01:11:34.623
and this wicked world will become
a place of cheerful harmony.

01:11:34.707 --> 01:11:38.210
Everyone will be singing, dancing
and giggling like the Littlest Elf.

01:11:38.294 --> 01:11:41.546
A happy ending.
Is that what you had in mind?

01:11:42.382 --> 01:11:46.301
Because I hardly think that anybody
is going to believe a dead woman.

01:11:46.386 --> 01:11:49.304
You won't touch her. She's gonna tell
everyone what happened.

01:11:49.389 --> 01:11:52.224
I won't tell anybody anything, I promise.

01:11:52.308 --> 01:11:57.270
Don't throw me to the leeches.
You can have the fortune, the children.

01:11:57.355 --> 01:11:58.355
Aunt Josephine!

01:11:58.731 --> 01:12:01.274
- Please.
- Welcome aboard.

01:12:01.359 --> 01:12:02.734
Hot potato.

01:12:04.779 --> 01:12:07.823
I'll go away. I'll dye my hair,
I'll change my name.

01:12:07.907 --> 01:12:11.451
- But what about us?
- Quiet, child. The adults are talking.

01:12:13.830 --> 01:12:16.999
- I suppose I don't have to kill you.
- No.

01:12:17.083 --> 01:12:19.626
On the other hand,
with that little stunt at the window,

01:12:19.711 --> 01:12:22.838
you hadn't been
a very trustworthy person.

01:12:23.631 --> 01:12:25.549
But

01:12:26.884 --> 01:12:29.136
I could show a little mercy.

01:12:31.139 --> 01:12:33.265
Haven't.

01:12:37.103 --> 01:12:38.270
What?

01:12:39.230 --> 01:12:41.648
You said "hadn't." That's bad grammar.

01:12:41.733 --> 01:12:42.899
You should've said,

01:12:42.984 --> 01:12:45.944
"You haven't been
a very trustworthy person."

01:12:49.449 --> 01:12:52.659
Thank you for correcting me.

01:12:53.411 --> 01:12:54.995
Not at all.

01:12:56.622 --> 01:12:59.374
No. No, no, no, Aunt Josephine.

01:12:59.500 --> 01:13:00.792
- You can't!
- Wait!

01:13:01.502 --> 01:13:02.878
Jump!

01:13:03.755 --> 01:13:06.214
Well, you get the picture.

01:13:10.053 --> 01:13:12.512
Aunt Josephine.

01:13:12.597 --> 01:13:16.141
Well, we've done all we can do.

01:13:19.479 --> 01:13:20.771
Everybody be cool.

01:13:20.855 --> 01:13:22.314
Children?

01:13:22.398 --> 01:13:24.399
- Is that you?
- Mr Poe!

01:13:24.484 --> 01:13:26.485
- We're...
- Drowning.

01:13:29.197 --> 01:13:32.741
I saved him! I saved the boy
from the leeches!

01:13:32.825 --> 01:13:35.494
Back to the depths, you fingery devils.

01:13:35.578 --> 01:13:38.580
You will not devour
this boy's head today.

01:13:42.835 --> 01:13:45.879
Count Olaf? What are you doing here?

01:13:45.963 --> 01:13:47.130
Mr Poe, please.

01:13:47.215 --> 01:13:50.759
Count Olaf,
what are you doin' here, man?

01:13:50.843 --> 01:13:53.637
I know, I know, I shouldn't have come.

01:13:53.721 --> 01:13:57.349
But when I heard the children
were in danger, I had to.

01:13:57.433 --> 01:14:01.561
Even if I'm not fit to be their guardian.

01:14:03.856 --> 01:14:06.108
It appears I was wrong about you,
Count Olaf.

01:14:06.192 --> 01:14:07.526
- No.
- No.

01:14:07.610 --> 01:14:08.610
No.

01:14:08.694 --> 01:14:12.197
You have proven yourself to be
an exceptionally capable guardian.

01:14:12.490 --> 01:14:16.159
I would be remiss if I did not place
the children with you immediately.

01:14:17.703 --> 01:14:20.080
- If it weren't for you, the...
- Don't say it!

01:14:20.164 --> 01:14:23.625
I can't stand the thought
of losing my little treasures.

01:14:23.709 --> 01:14:28.797
Even the thought of the inheritance
would be a reminder of my heartache.

01:14:28.881 --> 01:14:30.715
There's no need to fret about that.

01:14:30.883 --> 01:14:34.761
The law clearly states that you would
not inherit the Baudelaire fortune

01:14:34.846 --> 01:14:37.430
- if anything happened to the children.
- Say what?

01:14:37.598 --> 01:14:41.977
With the exception, of course,
of blood relatives and married couples.

01:14:42.770 --> 01:14:44.271
Really?

01:14:53.447 --> 01:14:58.785
Mr Poe, have I told you
about our new play?

01:15:10.131 --> 01:15:13.884
Critic.

01:15:15.553 --> 01:15:16.595
Your cape, sir.

01:15:16.679 --> 01:15:18.388
Don't try to get on my good side.

01:15:21.726 --> 01:15:24.060
What is he up to?
Why are we in the play?

01:15:24.145 --> 01:15:25.770
He's using this as a prop.

01:15:26.314 --> 01:15:29.983
It says that if two people are married,
they're entitled to any money

01:15:30.067 --> 01:15:32.736
- that either of them has.
- No, but it's just a play.

01:15:32.820 --> 01:15:34.696
He can't get our fortune
by marrying me in a play.

01:15:34.780 --> 01:15:39.367
Oh, can't I? Conspirators.

01:15:39.452 --> 01:15:42.037
Caesar must die.
Caesar must die. Caesar must die.

01:15:42.371 --> 01:15:44.664
In order to be valid,
it has to be administered

01:15:44.749 --> 01:15:48.001
by a bona fide justice of the peace.
It says so right here.

01:15:48.127 --> 01:15:52.297
Justice Strauss,
are you ready for your debut?

01:15:52.632 --> 01:15:54.216
Thank you.

01:15:54.508 --> 01:15:59.137
Look at you.
Violet, you look so beautiful.

01:15:59.222 --> 01:16:02.515
You are the bride, I'm the judge.
Who's the groom?

01:16:02.600 --> 01:16:05.393
No, you don't understand.
The play is real.

01:16:05.561 --> 01:16:07.520
Yes! Yes.

01:16:07.980 --> 01:16:11.274
It must be real. That's why I cast you.

01:16:11.359 --> 01:16:14.361
All the other actors I saw
lacked the proper...

01:16:14.695 --> 01:16:16.196
What's the word I'm looking for?

01:16:16.280 --> 01:16:18.073
- Hair?
- Hands?

01:16:18.324 --> 01:16:20.492
Verisimilitude.

01:16:20.826 --> 01:16:23.328
Now remember, Justice Strauss,
you must say the words

01:16:23.412 --> 01:16:26.498
as you would in a real wedding.
Get it absolutely right.

01:16:26.916 --> 01:16:29.834
There are talent scouts
looking for someone your age.

01:16:29.919 --> 01:16:32.420
It's all riding on this one.

01:16:32.505 --> 01:16:34.923
Why did you have to tell me that?

01:16:35.007 --> 01:16:36.925
- Oh, my God.
- Take her to makeup.

01:16:37.009 --> 01:16:40.345
Enjoy! Embrace the butterflies.

01:16:40.429 --> 01:16:42.097
This is ridiculous.

01:16:42.181 --> 01:16:44.516
Violet's only 14.
She can't be legally married.

01:16:44.600 --> 01:16:47.978
She can if she has the permission
of her guardian. Who's that?

01:16:48.104 --> 01:16:49.354
Me!

01:16:52.483 --> 01:16:53.858
Look it up, bookworm.

01:16:54.026 --> 01:16:56.778
Yes. Once you say "I do"
and sign the certificate,

01:16:56.862 --> 01:16:59.739
you'll really be my loverly bride.

01:17:00.116 --> 01:17:03.285
You'll cook and clean
and massage my bunions

01:17:03.369 --> 01:17:05.620
and clip my thick yellow toenails.

01:17:05.705 --> 01:17:08.290
Hey, marriage is no picnic.

01:17:08.374 --> 01:17:10.208
You gotta work at it.

01:17:10.459 --> 01:17:12.752
I'll never say "I do". Never.

01:17:14.213 --> 01:17:15.630
I think you might,

01:17:16.882 --> 01:17:18.842
once you look up there.

01:17:27.768 --> 01:17:28.893
Let her go!

01:17:29.395 --> 01:17:31.187
Gladly. Let her go.

01:17:32.189 --> 01:17:33.606
- No!
- Put a hold on that.

01:17:35.276 --> 01:17:37.235
If you don't say "I do",

01:17:37.320 --> 01:17:40.613
or if anything should happen
to interrupt this performance,

01:17:41.240 --> 01:17:45.118
I say one word into this
and down will come baby,

01:17:45.244 --> 01:17:47.495
cradle and all.

01:17:50.082 --> 01:17:52.250
How could you? She's an infant.

01:17:52.710 --> 01:17:56.087
Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet.

01:17:57.006 --> 01:17:58.006
Violet.

01:17:59.383 --> 01:18:01.426
You're 14 years old.

01:18:01.510 --> 01:18:05.347
You should know by now that
you can't have everything you want.

01:18:05.431 --> 01:18:09.017
You want a life of happiness?
A roof over your head?

01:18:09.101 --> 01:18:12.228
A place to call your own
and all that jazz?

01:18:14.940 --> 01:18:17.442
And what about what I want?

01:18:17.818 --> 01:18:20.779
I want that enormous fortune

01:18:21.113 --> 01:18:24.949
and for all investigations
against me to cease.

01:18:26.035 --> 01:18:29.788
You're going to help me get what I want.

01:18:31.248 --> 01:18:33.375
Tonight.

01:18:41.717 --> 01:18:43.468
My public awaits.

01:18:51.727 --> 01:18:54.562
Ladies and gentlemen, could you
put your appendages together

01:18:54.730 --> 01:18:57.440
for The Marvelouse Marriage.

01:18:57.733 --> 01:19:00.318
No, you're not going to
go through with this.

01:19:03.614 --> 01:19:06.950
- I have to.
- No, come on.

01:19:07.034 --> 01:19:10.286
There's always something.
There's always something.

01:19:12.164 --> 01:19:13.957
No, not this time.

01:19:15.543 --> 01:19:18.336
- But...
- Camel, you're on.

01:19:20.339 --> 01:19:22.549
- Go, Klaus.
- Violet...

01:19:22.633 --> 01:19:23.800
Go!

01:19:24.760 --> 01:19:26.845
Move your hump, camel, you're on.

01:19:35.771 --> 01:19:41.109
Nothing in the world will keep the count
from his beloved bride

01:19:41.193 --> 01:19:43.361
Nothing in the world
Nothing in the world

01:19:43.446 --> 01:19:45.864
Nothing, nothing

01:19:50.453 --> 01:19:54.372
What a marvellous day for a marriage.

01:19:54.457 --> 01:19:59.586
If only the handsome count
were here to claim his bride.

01:19:59.837 --> 01:20:03.381
With his full head of hair
and great bravery,

01:20:03.674 --> 01:20:07.302
the count has no equal.

01:20:09.180 --> 01:20:10.638
What would Violet do?

01:20:10.723 --> 01:20:12.807
- The courageous battle...
- What would Violet do?

01:20:12.892 --> 01:20:14.642
...has waylaid him.

01:20:14.727 --> 01:20:18.813
There's always something.
There's always something.

01:20:18.898 --> 01:20:24.402
And the quiet, bald-headed suitor
has stolen the bride's affections.

01:20:25.362 --> 01:20:28.448
Alas. The groom is a cad.

01:20:28.532 --> 01:20:32.076
And nowhere near as handsome
as the count.

01:20:32.161 --> 01:20:35.205
If only for a miracle.

01:20:35.289 --> 01:20:40.168
Some way for the handsome count
to come and save...

01:20:44.048 --> 01:20:47.425
What a thoroughly
un-marvellous marriage this will be.

01:20:47.510 --> 01:20:49.219
But wait.

01:20:49.720 --> 01:20:51.763
What is that?

01:20:56.936 --> 01:21:01.689
It's the count in his autogiro.

01:21:01.774 --> 01:21:04.025
I didn't know they had
this kind of budget.

01:21:14.662 --> 01:21:19.666
Yes, it is I, come to marry my bride.

01:21:20.417 --> 01:21:21.918
And you, sir,

01:21:22.002 --> 01:21:25.171
have been taken by surprise.

01:21:25.256 --> 01:21:29.050
Caution. This next scene
could get pretty graphic.

01:21:29.134 --> 01:21:30.885
Away, rapscallion!

01:21:34.348 --> 01:21:35.890
Hairless lothario!

01:21:36.725 --> 01:21:38.851
Take that! And that!

01:21:40.229 --> 01:21:41.896
Can I get some slack?

01:21:44.149 --> 01:21:46.609
Let the wedding begin.

01:22:13.721 --> 01:22:17.932
Don't look down.

01:22:31.030 --> 01:22:32.280
"Do you,

01:22:33.115 --> 01:22:38.369
"Count Olaf, take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife,

01:22:38.454 --> 01:22:42.749
"in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?"

01:22:42.833 --> 01:22:45.001
Until death?

01:22:45.586 --> 01:22:47.920
I most certainly do.

01:22:51.258 --> 01:22:57.096
"Do you, Violet Baudelaire,
take this Count Olaf,

01:22:57.181 --> 01:23:00.808
"to be your lawfully wedded husband,

01:23:00.893 --> 01:23:04.854
"in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?"

01:23:04.938 --> 01:23:06.230
Justice Strauss, I...

01:23:13.072 --> 01:23:14.906
I do.

01:23:14.990 --> 01:23:16.991
- She doesn't deserve him.
- No.

01:23:17.076 --> 01:23:19.327
- Are you thinking that too?
- No, she doesn't.

01:23:19.411 --> 01:23:23.706
Now, all that is left for this happy couple

01:23:23.791 --> 01:23:27.669
is to sign the marriage certificate,
and this union shall be...

01:23:27.753 --> 01:23:29.420
Official

01:23:29.838 --> 01:23:31.130
and legal.

01:23:55.114 --> 01:23:58.157
Sunny, where's the key?
The key to the lock.

01:23:58.534 --> 01:24:00.451
The eye!

01:24:23.517 --> 01:24:26.436
Right hand, please.

01:25:30.334 --> 01:25:33.044
Children, I'm afraid I must inform you

01:25:33.128 --> 01:25:37.423
of an extremely unfortunate event.

01:25:37.508 --> 01:25:41.135
I'm very sorry to tell you
your parents have perished in a fire

01:25:41.220 --> 01:25:43.304
that's destroyed your entire home.

01:25:44.014 --> 01:25:46.224
These things don't just happen.

01:25:49.937 --> 01:25:51.395
Come on, come on, come on!

01:25:51.814 --> 01:25:53.105
Behind you!

01:25:56.026 --> 01:25:58.361
Look what I did to your pretty little home.

01:25:59.863 --> 01:26:01.405
Let's finish it.

01:26:09.873 --> 01:26:11.374
Boss?

01:26:11.458 --> 01:26:13.709
What is it? Kinda busy right now.

01:26:13.794 --> 01:26:16.254
- We've got a problem.
- Where are you?

01:26:16.338 --> 01:26:18.673
Look up.

01:26:22.427 --> 01:26:23.636
Hi.

01:26:27.307 --> 01:26:31.060
- And so concludes our play!
- No! Wait! It wasn't a play!

01:26:31.144 --> 01:26:34.105
Olaf was gonna kill Sunny
if I didn't go through with it.

01:26:34.189 --> 01:26:35.731
Ridiculous.

01:26:35.816 --> 01:26:37.525
No, you have to listen to me.

01:26:37.609 --> 01:26:40.736
He was only marrying me
to get to the Baudelaire fortune.

01:26:40.821 --> 01:26:42.572
No, that part is true, actually.

01:26:44.032 --> 01:26:47.159
Violet and I are, indeed,
a blissfully wedded couple,

01:26:47.244 --> 01:26:48.744
because, you see,

01:26:49.538 --> 01:26:52.248
we were married in an official ceremony

01:26:52.332 --> 01:26:58.129
with official and legal vows in front
of a bona fide justice of the peace.

01:26:59.006 --> 01:27:01.048
Oh, my God, what have I done?

01:27:01.133 --> 01:27:03.259
I'm sorry! I didn't know!

01:27:03.343 --> 01:27:04.886
First order of business.

01:27:04.970 --> 01:27:08.347
Put the other two brats
up for adoption separately,

01:27:08.432 --> 01:27:11.225
into the far corners of the Earth.

01:27:11.310 --> 01:27:14.729
These children are meddlesome
when they're together.

01:27:14.813 --> 01:27:19.025
- Mr Poe.
- You unspeakable cad!

01:27:19.109 --> 01:27:20.818
Arrest him!

01:27:21.486 --> 01:27:22.904
For what?

01:27:22.988 --> 01:27:25.156
- For being a greedy monster!
- Come on.

01:27:26.992 --> 01:27:30.912
I'm the monster?

01:27:31.622 --> 01:27:34.373
You're the monster.

01:27:34.458 --> 01:27:37.084
Come on. Come on.

01:27:37.169 --> 01:27:40.838
These children tried to tell you,
but you wouldn't listen.

01:27:40.923 --> 01:27:43.883
No one ever listens to children.

01:27:44.509 --> 01:27:46.886
- Come on. Come on.
- You think you're innocent?

01:27:46.970 --> 01:27:48.596
You're accomplices.

01:27:49.056 --> 01:27:52.975
This certificate says
that I have the fortune now.

01:27:53.310 --> 01:27:54.477
Come on.

01:27:54.561 --> 01:27:57.229
And there's nothing you can do about it!

01:28:02.527 --> 01:28:04.862
What do you think? Too diabolical?

01:28:04.947 --> 01:28:06.447
Give me some feedback.

01:28:22.381 --> 01:28:24.340
Marriage is no picnic.

01:28:24.424 --> 01:28:27.843
Oh, and by the way,
you're a terrible actor.

01:28:28.387 --> 01:28:29.679
Now, now.

01:28:30.514 --> 01:28:32.515
Let's keep our heads here.

01:28:32.599 --> 01:28:36.352
If you do anything to me,
you're just sinking to my level.

01:28:36.436 --> 01:28:39.814
Not to mention setting
a terrible example for the children.

01:28:41.775 --> 01:28:42.984
Guilty.

01:28:43.068 --> 01:28:45.569
I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf

01:28:45.654 --> 01:28:49.532
was captured for crimes
too numerous to mention.

01:28:49.616 --> 01:28:51.742
And before serving his life sentence,

01:28:51.827 --> 01:28:55.121
it was the judge's decree
that Olaf be made to suffer

01:28:55.205 --> 01:28:58.499
every hardship that
he forced upon the children.

01:29:01.712 --> 01:29:03.838
Get out! Get out!

01:29:07.426 --> 01:29:09.051
Oh, no.

01:29:18.395 --> 01:29:20.479
The Baudelaires had triumphed,

01:29:20.564 --> 01:29:25.109
a word which here means "unmasking
a cruel and talentless arsonist,

01:29:25.193 --> 01:29:28.821
"and solving the mystery
of the Baudelaire fire."

01:29:31.116 --> 01:29:33.367
If only justice were as kind.

01:29:33.452 --> 01:29:39.040
Count Olaf vanished after a jury
of his peers overturned his sentence.

01:29:39.458 --> 01:29:43.210
As for the Baudelaires,
what lay ahead for them was unclear.

01:29:43.295 --> 01:29:44.670
But one thing they knew,

01:29:44.755 --> 01:29:48.632
as they climbed once again
into the back of Mr Poe's car.

01:29:48.717 --> 01:29:50.676
They were moving on.

01:29:52.888 --> 01:29:54.972
Don't worry, children.

01:29:55.057 --> 01:29:58.517
I'm sure the authorities will catch up
with Count Olaf very soon.

01:29:59.519 --> 01:30:03.606
We'll all never have to deal
with that terrible man again.

01:30:06.902 --> 01:30:08.736
Before we leave,

01:30:09.821 --> 01:30:14.116
perhaps there's time
for just one last stop.

01:32:00.098 --> 01:32:03.392
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny."
It's addressed to us.

01:32:03.476 --> 01:32:05.436
Look at all these postmarks.

01:32:05.520 --> 01:32:07.855
It's been to England

01:32:07.939 --> 01:32:10.441
and Rome and Kenya and Iceland.

01:32:10.609 --> 01:32:14.028
- I don't know where these are from.
- Who's it from?

01:32:20.702 --> 01:32:22.494
Mom and Dad.

01:32:37.135 --> 01:32:38.594
It's the letter.

01:32:39.304 --> 01:32:41.305
The letter that never came.

01:32:45.393 --> 01:32:47.353
"Dearest children,

01:32:47.437 --> 01:32:50.314
"since we've been abroad
we have missed you all so much.

01:32:51.191 --> 01:32:55.277
"Certain events have compelled us
to extend our travels.

01:32:55.362 --> 01:32:57.196
"One day, when you're older,

01:32:57.280 --> 01:33:00.157
"you will learn all about the people
we have befriended

01:33:00.242 --> 01:33:02.159
"and the dangers we have faced.

01:33:02.661 --> 01:33:05.913
"At times the world can seem
an unfriendly and sinister place.

01:33:05.997 --> 01:33:09.625
"But believe us when we say that
there is much more good in it than bad.

01:33:09.709 --> 01:33:12.503
"All you have to do is look hard enough.

01:33:12.587 --> 01:33:15.047
"And what might seem to be
a series of unfortunate events

01:33:15.131 --> 01:33:18.008
"may, in fact,
be the first steps of a journey.

01:33:19.386 --> 01:33:22.096
"We hope to have you back
in our arms soon, darlings.

01:33:22.180 --> 01:33:24.390
"But in case this letter
arrives before our return,

01:33:24.474 --> 01:33:26.183
"know that we love you.

01:33:27.602 --> 01:33:30.729
"It fills us with pride to know that
no matter what happens in this life,

01:33:30.814 --> 01:33:34.108
"that you will take care of each other
with kindness and bravery

01:33:34.192 --> 01:33:37.152
"and selflessness, as you always have.

01:33:37.237 --> 01:33:40.614
"And remember one thing,
my darlings, and never forget it.

01:33:41.032 --> 01:33:44.827
"That no matter where we are, know
that as long as you have each other,

01:33:44.911 --> 01:33:47.997
"you have your family and you are home.

01:33:48.707 --> 01:33:50.916
"Your loving parents."

01:34:09.269 --> 01:34:13.272
Passing the torch is a rite of passage
that can take many forms.

01:34:13.356 --> 01:34:17.484
But perhaps the least known
and most surprising

01:34:17.569 --> 01:34:20.279
is the passing of a spyglass.

01:34:38.465 --> 01:34:43.302
Dear reader, there are people in the
world who know no misery and woe,

01:34:43.386 --> 01:34:45.846
and they take comfort in cheerful films

01:34:45.930 --> 01:34:49.099
about twittering birds
and giggling elves.

01:34:49.184 --> 01:34:52.561
There are people who know that
there's always a mystery to be solved,

01:34:52.645 --> 01:34:54.438
and they take comfort in researching

01:34:54.522 --> 01:34:57.858
and writing down
any important evidence.

01:34:59.486 --> 01:35:02.780
But this story is not about such people.

01:35:02.864 --> 01:35:06.367
This story is about the Baudelaires.

01:35:06.451 --> 01:35:10.871
And they are the sort of people who
know that there's always something.

01:35:10.955 --> 01:35:14.166
Something to invent, something to read,

01:35:14.250 --> 01:35:17.252
something to bite and something to do

01:35:17.337 --> 01:35:21.548
to make a sanctuary,
no matter how small.

01:35:31.601 --> 01:35:34.895
And for this reason, I am happy to say,

01:35:34.979 --> 01:35:40.067
the Baudelaires
were very fortunate indeed.

01:46:15.077 --> 01:46:18.955
Oh, the captain loved the ladies

01:46:19.040 --> 01:46:21.541
But he dragged himself a wife

01:46:21.625 --> 01:46:25.295
Now he's wishin' he was fishin'
But he's on the hook for life

01:46:25.379 --> 01:46:29.174
Well, I guess he shouldn't of oughta
But he drowned her in the water

01:46:29.258 --> 01:46:33.178
And then a flounder downed her
That's why they never found her

01:46:38.642 --> 01:46:42.062
Bum buttery flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh

01:46:42.146 --> 01:46:45.565
Bum buttery bluebird is singing a tune

01:46:45.649 --> 01:46:49.110
Daffodil dillies awaken and prune

01:46:49.195 --> 01:46:52.113
Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume

01:46:52.198 --> 01:46:56.326
It's a loverly, loverly spring

01:47:03.501 --> 01:47:06.711
Chit-chattery chipmunks
all singing along

01:47:06.796 --> 01:47:10.256
Humming their
join-in-a-spring-along song

01:47:10.341 --> 01:47:13.343
Spring is the springiest time for a song

01:47:13.427 --> 01:47:17.097
It's a loverly, loverly spring

01:47:17.181 --> 01:47:20.725
In the forest we play
with the rabbits all day

01:47:20.810 --> 01:47:24.354
We visit the birdies and fishes

01:47:24.438 --> 01:47:27.857
There's nary a care
when there's spring in the air

01:47:27.942 --> 01:47:31.778
The feeling is just too delicious

01:47:31.862 --> 01:47:35.198
Bum buttery buttercups all in a row

01:47:35.282 --> 01:47:38.952
Trilling and frilling
and stealing the show

01:47:39.036 --> 01:47:41.955
May is the merriest month that I know

01:47:42.039 --> 01:47:45.959
It's a loverly, loverly
La la loverly

01:47:46.043 --> 01:47:49.629
La la loverly spring

01:47:49.653 --> 01:48:09.653
جديدترين اخبار فيلم و سريال در کانال تلگرام و اینستاگرام سايت
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