WEBVTT

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..:: Presented By ZarFilm Website ::..
‏.::  www.bolboljan.net ::.

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<i>It has been said that
magic vanished from our world</i>

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<i>a long time ago,</i>

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<i>and that humanity can no
longer fulfill its desires</i>

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<i>through the power of wishes.</i>

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<i>To those who have lost the
wondrous vision of childhood eyes,</i>

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<i>submitted here is
the story of a little boy</i>

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<i>and a magical Christmas wish</i>

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<i>that changed his life forever.</i>

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<i>It began in 1985, in a
town just outside Boston.</i>

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<i>It was Christmas Eve, and all the
children were in high spirits.</i>

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<i>That special time of year</i>

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<i>when Boston children
gather together</i>

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<i>and beat up the Jewish kids.</i>

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Hey, Greenbaum!

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Uh-oh.

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Get him!

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<i>But there was one child who
wasn't in such good spirits.</i>

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<i>Little John Bennett,</i>

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<i>that one boy in
every neighborhood</i>

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<i>who just has a tough time
making friends.</i>

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Hey, guys, can I play?

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Get out of here, Bennett.

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Get lost, Bennett!

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Get out of here, Bennett!

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Yeah, Bennett, get lost.

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<i>John longed with all his heart</i>

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<i>for that one, true friend
that he could call his own.</i>

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<i>And he knew that if he
ever found that friend,</i>

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<i>he would never let him go.</i>

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<i>Well, as it does every year,
Christmas morning finally came.</i>

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<i>All the children were opening
their gifts with holiday glee.</i>

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<i>And for little John Bennett,</i>

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<i>Christmas Day brought a
very special new arrival.</i>

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Wow!

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I guess Santa paid attention to
how good you were this year, huh?

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Aw! Merry Christmas, John.

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<i>I love you!</i>

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He talks!

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I'm going to name you Teddy.

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<i>John became
instantly attached to Teddy.</i>

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<i>There was something
about that bear</i>

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<i>that made him feel as if
he finally had a friend</i>

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<i>with whom he could share
his deepest secrets.</i>

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<i>I love you!</i>

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I love you, too, Teddy.

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You know, I wish you
could really talk to me.

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Because then, we could be best
friends forever and ever.

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<i>Now, if there's one
thing you can be sure of,</i>

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<i>it's that nothing is more
powerful than a young boy's wish.</i>

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<i>Except an Apache helicopter.</i>

00:03:24.522 --> 00:03:28.026
<i>An Apache helicopter has
machine guns and missiles.</i>

00:03:28.109 --> 00:03:31.779
<i>It is an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry,</i>

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<i>an absolute death machine.</i>

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<i>Well, as it turned out,</i>

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<i>John picked the perfect
night to make a wish.</i>

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Teddy?

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Teddy?

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Teddy?

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Hug me.

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You're my best friend, John.

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Did you... Did you just talk?

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Don't look so surprised.

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You're the one who wished
for it, aren't you?

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Yeah. I did wish for it.

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Well, here I am.

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You mean, we get to be
best friends for real?

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For real.

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Forever and ever?

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Sounds good to me.

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<i>John was just about
the happiest boy in the world</i>

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<i>and he couldn't wait to tell
everyone the good news.</i>

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Mom, Dad, guess what?
My teddy bear's alive!

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Really? Well, isn't
that exciting.

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No, Mom, he's really alive.
Look.

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Merry Christmas, everybody.

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Jesus H. Fuck!

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Let's all be best friends.

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Oh, my God!

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John, get away from that thing.
Get over here right now.

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But, Dad... Get over here!

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Listen to your father!
Come here!

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Helen, get my gun. Dad, no!

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Is it a hugging gun?

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Helen, get my gun,
and call the police!

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I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett, I
didn't mean to scare anybody.

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I just wanted John
and I to be friends.

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Yeah, Dad, I made a wish last
night that Teddy was alive

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and my wish came true.

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Oh, my God!

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It's a miracle.

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It's a Christmas miracle.

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You're just like
the Baby Jesus.

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<i>Well, it wasn't long before
the story of John's little miracle</i>

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<i>was sweeping the nation.</i>

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Out of a Boston suburb

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comes what is, without a doubt,
the most incredible story...

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A young boy's stuffed animal

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has magically come to life for,
as yet, unknown reasons...

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Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!
Look what Jesus did!

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<i>Before long, Teddy
had become a huge celebrity</i>

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<i>in his own right.</i>

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Hello, Teddy.

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You... you are a...
You surprise me.

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For some reason I thought you
were going to be taller.

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I thought you were
going to be funnier.

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<i>But through all the fame,</i>

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<i>Teddy never forgot
his very best friend, John.</i>

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The thunder
can't get us, right?

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Nope, we're thunder buddies,
and the thunder knows it.

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We're totally safe.

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Teddy?

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Yeah, John?

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Do you promise we'll
always be together?

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I promise.

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Thunder buddies for life.

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Thunder buddies for life.

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<i>And that was a promise that
neither one of them ever forgot.</i>

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<i>So, where are
John and Teddy today?</i>

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<i>Well, let me put it this way.</i>

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<i>No matter how big a splash
you make in this world,</i>

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<i>whether you're Corey Feldman,
Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,</i>

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<i>or a talking teddy bear,</i>

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<i>eventually,
nobody gives a shit.</i>

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TED

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<i>Do I dare look at the clock?</i>

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Look, all I'm saying is that
Boston women are, on the whole,

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a paler, uglier sort than women
from the elsewheres of life.

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That's bullshit. What about Lori?
She's hot.

00:10:31.365 --> 00:10:33.451
No, Lori's from Pennsylvania.
That's not a Boston girl.

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They're not that bad.

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See, the fact that you have
to say they're not that bad

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means that they are that bad.

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Did you ever hear a Boston
girl have an orgasm?

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Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
Harder! Harder!

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Oh, God, that was so good!

00:10:47.339 --> 00:10:50.551
Now I'm going to stuff my fucking
face with Pepperidge Farm!

00:10:53.262 --> 00:10:55.347
Jesus, this is weak.

00:10:55.514 --> 00:10:59.018
It's not even getting me high. I got
to have a talk with my weed guy.

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It's working for me.

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I think it sucks. I'm going
to have a talk with him.

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I don't know that you want to go
to a drug dealer with complaints.

00:11:04.190 --> 00:11:07.109
No. I know this guy a long time.
I've known him since 9/11.

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You remember? I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9/11.
I got to get high."

00:11:10.154 --> 00:11:11.739
Is it 9:30? Yeah.

00:11:11.822 --> 00:11:13.365
Shit, I got to get to work!

00:11:13.657 --> 00:11:15.159
I don't know if I can drive!

00:11:15.409 --> 00:11:17.453
It's okay, I'll drive you.
I feel fine.

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Fuck! Shit.

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Oh, man!

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Johnny, I'm sorry, man. That
car just came out of nowhere.

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God, is it bad?

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Oh, man!

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John! May I speak
with you, please?

00:11:54.448 --> 00:11:55.449
Shit.

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It's all right, go, go, go.
I'll pull out of here.

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Hi, Thomas, how are you?

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Asshole!

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That's my bad.
I was sending a tweet.

00:12:17.680 --> 00:12:19.807
John, it's almost 10:00.

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I know, sir, I'm sorry.
It wasn't my fault.

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What do you mean?

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I guess I wasn't really prepared
for a follow-up question.

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John, all you got to do
is not fuck up

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and you get my job when I
go to corporate next month.

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You're the new branch manager.

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All you've got to do
is not fuck up.

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I realize that. Good.

00:12:43.122 --> 00:12:44.790
Glad to hear it.

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Because in a month,
my life could be your life.

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A cushy, $38,000-a-year
branch manager

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who's personal friends
with Tom Skerritt.

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Not a bad life, is it?

00:12:57.094 --> 00:12:58.262
No.

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I'm going to show you something
that I don't like to show people

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because I don't want them
treating me differently.

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Boom. That's me and Skerritt.

00:13:09.273 --> 00:13:10.316
Wow.

00:13:10.399 --> 00:13:12.026
Goddamn right, "Wow."

00:13:12.484 --> 00:13:14.028
I'm gonna dock you
for dinging the car

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and for showing up
late today, all right?

00:13:15.946 --> 00:13:17.823
Try and be a little more
responsible tomorrow.

00:13:17.907 --> 00:13:19.491
I will, sir, I promise.

00:13:20.910 --> 00:13:22.161
I'm not going to
let you down, Goose.

00:13:23.037 --> 00:13:24.038
What?

00:13:24.705 --> 00:13:25.706
<i>Top Gun.</i>

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So?

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Tom Skerritt.

00:13:30.044 --> 00:13:31.295
I know that.

00:13:31.503 --> 00:13:32.546
Get out of here, okay?

00:13:32.671 --> 00:13:33.714
Thank you, sir.

00:13:34.340 --> 00:13:36.717
All right, here's your keys,
your rental agreement,

00:13:36.800 --> 00:13:38.510
complimentary map of Boston.

00:13:38.802 --> 00:13:41.138
Thank you for choosing Liberty.
Drive safely.

00:13:41.222 --> 00:13:42.973
Thanks. Thanks so much.

00:13:44.475 --> 00:13:45.809
I heard you got busted.

00:13:46.644 --> 00:13:48.938
Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, man.
What happened?

00:13:49.188 --> 00:13:52.191
I don't know, I got fucking
wasted last night.

00:13:52.274 --> 00:13:56.028
My phone says I texted someone at
3:15, asking them to beat me up.

00:13:56.445 --> 00:14:00.157
And then, at 4:30, I texted the
same person saying, "Thanks."

00:14:00.366 --> 00:14:01.367
And you don't remember it?

00:14:01.575 --> 00:14:02.743
No, same as last time.

00:14:03.118 --> 00:14:04.995
It just seems kind
of gay, doesn't it?

00:14:05.496 --> 00:14:06.997
I don't know. Maybe, yeah.

00:14:07.081 --> 00:14:09.500
Well, do you think you're part
of some gay beat-up underworld?

00:14:09.583 --> 00:14:11.585
Like one of those gay
beat-up clubs or something?

00:14:11.877 --> 00:14:13.420
I don't know.
I dig chicks, man.

00:14:13.504 --> 00:14:15.422
I don't remember any of it.
I was so fucked up.

00:14:15.506 --> 00:14:16.632
I might be gay, I don't know.

00:14:16.715 --> 00:14:18.300
Do you mind covering
for me for a bit?

00:14:18.384 --> 00:14:19.927
I might go lay down
in the john.

00:14:20.094 --> 00:14:21.595
Hey, buddies.
Where is it hanging?

00:14:21.679 --> 00:14:23.264
Hey, Alix, what's up? You
get in the club last night?

00:14:23.472 --> 00:14:26.892
I didn't get in because
the bouncer was douche-face.

00:14:26.976 --> 00:14:28.352
But I made friends in the line.

00:14:28.560 --> 00:14:29.728
That's good, I guess.

00:14:29.812 --> 00:14:32.439
Hey, guys, anybody
know a nice restaurant,

00:14:32.523 --> 00:14:33.524
like something
where they give out

00:14:33.607 --> 00:14:34.858
free bubblegum
in the bathrooms?

00:14:35.025 --> 00:14:36.068
For what?

00:14:36.151 --> 00:14:37.611
Lori and I have been dating
four years tomorrow.

00:14:37.695 --> 00:14:39.363
I want to take her
someplace really nice.

00:14:39.488 --> 00:14:41.156
Aw, congratulations, John.

00:14:41.282 --> 00:14:43.033
You guys have been
going out for four years?

00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:45.119
My longest relationship
was like six months

00:14:45.202 --> 00:14:46.662
and then she farted
in her sleep.

00:14:46.745 --> 00:14:49.498
I'm like, "I'm out of here, man."
I was gone before she woke up.

00:14:49.873 --> 00:14:51.709
You're not very tolerant, huh?

00:14:52.042 --> 00:14:53.210
Lori ever fart in front of you?

00:14:53.294 --> 00:14:54.336
Yeah.

00:14:55.421 --> 00:14:57.381
Really? Yeah, many times.

00:14:58.132 --> 00:14:59.883
You Italian? No.

00:15:01.302 --> 00:15:02.344
Why?

00:15:02.886 --> 00:15:04.430
Never mind.
Take her to Benihana.

00:15:04.596 --> 00:15:06.473
John, look, don't you
think after four years

00:15:06.557 --> 00:15:08.684
maybe she's hoping for
something more than dinner?

00:15:08.767 --> 00:15:09.852
Like what?

00:15:09.935 --> 00:15:13.939
I don't know, but if it were me,
I'd be expecting a proposal.

00:15:14.315 --> 00:15:16.567
Come on, nobody's expecting
anybody to propose.

00:15:16.650 --> 00:15:18.027
I mean, marriage isn't...

00:15:19.236 --> 00:15:21.739
Isn't love enough? I submit
that love is enough.

00:15:22.072 --> 00:15:24.908
You can put the ring in her
ass, let her fart it out.

00:15:32.291 --> 00:15:34.376
So bad, but so good.

00:15:35.669 --> 00:15:37.171
Hey, by the way,
don't let me forget,

00:15:37.254 --> 00:15:38.505
you and I got to
nail down a plan

00:15:38.589 --> 00:15:40.090
for the Bruins game
tomorrow night.

00:15:40.257 --> 00:15:42.384
No, I can't.
I'm taking Lori to dinner.

00:15:42.468 --> 00:15:43.469
For what?

00:15:43.552 --> 00:15:45.512
Well, we've been dating
four years tomorrow.

00:15:45.596 --> 00:15:47.014
Oh, fuck me. Nice.

00:15:47.431 --> 00:15:49.016
Let me ask you something.

00:15:49.099 --> 00:15:50.309
You don't think
she's going to be

00:15:50.392 --> 00:15:51.769
expecting something big,
do you?

00:15:52.186 --> 00:15:53.187
What, like anal?

00:15:53.270 --> 00:15:56.398
No, like a fucking circular
gold thing on her finger.

00:15:56.523 --> 00:15:59.193
Oh, fuck that! It's been
four years, Johnny.

00:15:59.276 --> 00:16:01.111
You and me have been
together for 27 years.

00:16:01.195 --> 00:16:04.114
Where's my ring?
Where's my ring, asshole?

00:16:04.198 --> 00:16:06.075
Where's my ring, motherfucker?
Stop it. Come on!

00:16:06.158 --> 00:16:08.494
Put it on my fuzzy finger,
you fuck! Come on!

00:16:08.577 --> 00:16:09.620
All right, knock it off!

00:16:09.828 --> 00:16:10.996
All right, I'm just saying.

00:16:11.080 --> 00:16:13.957
But do you think she might be expecting
me to make that kind of a move?

00:16:14.041 --> 00:16:17.336
No, I don't think she is. And, not
only that, it's the wrong time.

00:16:17.628 --> 00:16:19.880
It's a terrible idea. I
mean, you got the economy.

00:16:19.963 --> 00:16:21.965
You got the credit bubble,
the Supreme Court.

00:16:22.049 --> 00:16:23.092
I mean, look at Haiti.

00:16:23.467 --> 00:16:25.219
I guess I didn't
think about that.

00:16:25.302 --> 00:16:27.054
Well, that's... It's a factor.

00:16:27.554 --> 00:16:28.639
<i>Who are you?</i>

00:16:28.889 --> 00:16:32.267
<i>Flash Gordon. Quarterback,
New York Jets.</i>

00:16:32.643 --> 00:16:34.812
This is the American
fantasy, right here.

00:16:34.895 --> 00:16:38.732
A professional NFL player is
called upon to save the world.

00:16:38.816 --> 00:16:40.943
Tom Brady could do that.
Tom Brady could do that!

00:16:42.152 --> 00:16:43.737
Hey. Hey, sweetie.

00:16:43.821 --> 00:16:44.822
Hey, Lori.

00:16:44.905 --> 00:16:46.657
Hi. Hi.

00:16:46.865 --> 00:16:47.908
What do you got there?

00:16:47.991 --> 00:16:49.034
Turkey burgers.

00:16:49.118 --> 00:16:50.160
Turkey burgers.

00:16:50.244 --> 00:16:52.871
Are we having homosexuals
over for dinner tonight?

00:16:53.497 --> 00:16:55.124
Ha-ha. No, just you homos.

00:16:55.332 --> 00:16:56.458
Whoa! Whoa!

00:16:57.042 --> 00:17:00.170
You kind of just reworded my
joke, but, uh...

00:17:00.254 --> 00:17:01.255
How was work?

00:17:01.380 --> 00:17:02.548
It was fine.

00:17:02.631 --> 00:17:04.007
How's your dickhead boss?

00:17:04.425 --> 00:17:05.426
Rex is fine.

00:17:05.509 --> 00:17:08.303
He only hit on me once today,
so, it's a good thing.

00:17:08.554 --> 00:17:10.097
Hey, Johnny, how about a beer?

00:17:10.180 --> 00:17:11.557
A couple of
Charles Brew-kowskis?

00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:13.434
Couple of Brew-stoyevskis?

00:17:13.517 --> 00:17:15.477
Maybe a Mike Brew-gaslowski?

00:17:15.561 --> 00:17:17.020
Perhaps a Tedy Brew-ski?

00:17:17.104 --> 00:17:18.105
That's a good one.

00:17:18.188 --> 00:17:21.567
You know what, I think I, too,
want a Martina Navrati-brewski.

00:17:21.650 --> 00:17:22.734
No, that doesn't work.

00:17:22.818 --> 00:17:23.861
Don't ruin it. No.

00:17:24.069 --> 00:17:25.320
Bullshit! That totally works.

00:17:25.404 --> 00:17:26.405
No, no.

00:17:26.488 --> 00:17:27.865
Yeah, it does. It doesn't work.

00:17:27.948 --> 00:17:29.283
The name has to have
a "ski" at the end of it

00:17:29.366 --> 00:17:31.785
and you just put "brewski" at the
end of "Martina Navratilova," so...

00:17:31.869 --> 00:17:33.662
I just thought we
were saying funny names.

00:17:33.829 --> 00:17:35.998
No, it has to have
a "ski" at the end of it.

00:17:36.081 --> 00:17:37.291
Otherwise,
where's the challenge?

00:17:37.458 --> 00:17:39.626
If there's no "ski" at
the end of the root word

00:17:39.710 --> 00:17:42.629
then we would just be
idiots saying nonsense.

00:17:51.889 --> 00:17:52.890
Hey.

00:17:53.140 --> 00:17:54.516
They found the missing hikers.

00:17:54.600 --> 00:17:55.642
They did?

00:17:55.726 --> 00:17:56.727
Yeah. What happened?

00:17:57.186 --> 00:17:58.437
They said they got separated

00:17:58.520 --> 00:18:00.063
and one of them had his
foot stuck under a rock

00:18:00.147 --> 00:18:01.482
for like, five days.

00:18:01.565 --> 00:18:02.983
Wow. Mmm.

00:18:03.442 --> 00:18:06.945
You know, if your leg got
trapped under a rock

00:18:07.029 --> 00:18:08.530
I'd chew it off
to get you free.

00:18:09.531 --> 00:18:10.491
You would?

00:18:10.574 --> 00:18:11.658
I sure would.

00:18:11.742 --> 00:18:13.202
Is that cannibalism?

00:18:13.285 --> 00:18:15.746
No, I think it's only
cannibalism if you swallow.

00:18:15.829 --> 00:18:16.997
Oh, yeah, no!

00:18:17.080 --> 00:18:18.832
Don't worry about that,
because I don't swallow.

00:18:19.124 --> 00:18:20.709
Really? 'Cause
that's not what I heard.

00:18:20.959 --> 00:18:23.837
Well, it's not true, okay?
I'm a classy broad.

00:18:23.921 --> 00:18:24.963
Yeah.

00:18:25.422 --> 00:18:27.341
I can see that.

00:18:27.424 --> 00:18:29.343
Listen, speaking of classy,

00:18:29.426 --> 00:18:31.553
Ciao Bella is a really
expensive restaurant.

00:18:31.637 --> 00:18:34.515
So, we can go
anywhere else tomorrow.

00:18:34.598 --> 00:18:36.725
I really don't care,
as long as we're together.

00:18:37.309 --> 00:18:38.894
Are you kidding me?

00:18:38.977 --> 00:18:40.729
No, no, no. Four years,
we've been going out.

00:18:40.812 --> 00:18:43.106
I'm taking you to
the best place in town.

00:18:43.899 --> 00:18:45.317
You know I love you.

00:18:46.193 --> 00:18:48.237
I love you, too.
And you're nasty.

00:18:48.445 --> 00:18:50.364
Do you want to get nasty?

00:18:50.447 --> 00:18:52.491
You're a nasty girl.

00:18:57.746 --> 00:18:58.705
I don't understand.

00:18:58.789 --> 00:19:01.500
Thirty-five years old and you're
still scared of a little thunder.

00:19:01.583 --> 00:19:03.126
I am not!

00:19:05.629 --> 00:19:07.548
Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
Fucking right.

00:19:07.631 --> 00:19:09.550
Let's sing the thunder song.
All right.

00:19:09.633 --> 00:19:12.803
<i>When you hear the sound
of thunder Don't you get too scared.</i>

00:19:12.886 --> 00:19:16.473
<i>Just grab your thunder buddy
And say these magic words.</i>

00:19:16.848 --> 00:19:20.185
<i>Fuck you, thunder
You can suck my dick.</i>

00:19:20.310 --> 00:19:23.230
<i>You can't get me, thunder
'Cause you're just God's farts.</i>

00:19:24.606 --> 00:19:25.607
Ugh!

00:19:27.025 --> 00:19:29.403
Hey, Lori, can you set
the alarm for 11:00 A.M.?

00:19:29.486 --> 00:19:31.196
I've got a lot of
stuff to do tomorrow.

00:19:44.459 --> 00:19:45.502
Good morning, Lori.

00:19:45.711 --> 00:19:47.296
Good morning.

00:19:52.593 --> 00:19:54.386
Okay. You okay
there, sweetheart?

00:19:54.469 --> 00:19:56.430
You look a little flustered.

00:19:56.513 --> 00:19:57.556
I'm fine, I'm fine,

00:19:57.639 --> 00:19:59.808
I just didn't have time for
breakfast and the garage was full,

00:19:59.891 --> 00:20:02.060
oh, and that's right, my boyfriend
can't sleep through a thunderstorm

00:20:02.144 --> 00:20:03.353
without his teddy bear.

00:20:03.729 --> 00:20:05.439
I don't understand why you
keep putting up with him.

00:20:05.522 --> 00:20:09.192
Yeah, I mean, the guy's 35, and he's
working for a rental car service.

00:20:09.568 --> 00:20:11.111
You know, you guys,
it's really not about that.

00:20:11.194 --> 00:20:14.281
I don't care about that. I mean,
I'd love him if he was a janitor.

00:20:14.364 --> 00:20:17.909
<i>I mean, he has a huge
heart and we laugh a lot.</i>

00:20:17.993 --> 00:20:21.288
It's just a bonus that he's
the hottest guy in Boston.

00:20:21.496 --> 00:20:23.373
I don't know. I just wish he
would get his life together.

00:20:23.582 --> 00:20:25.876
Our life. And he can't.

00:20:26.001 --> 00:20:28.462
And, I swear to God,
it is because of that bear.

00:20:28.629 --> 00:20:31.548
You should give him an ultimatum.
It's you or the bear.

00:20:31.798 --> 00:20:34.885
No, I can't do that.
That would devastate him.

00:20:34.968 --> 00:20:38.555
Besides, what if he chose Ted?

00:20:38.889 --> 00:20:39.890
Well, hello there.

00:20:40.057 --> 00:20:42.142
Sorry if I'm interrupting
any private girl-talk

00:20:42.225 --> 00:20:43.685
about Channing Tatum's
index finger.

00:20:43.769 --> 00:20:45.979
But, Lori, I need to
see you in my office.

00:20:46.063 --> 00:20:48.315
Yeah, the thing is, Rex, I have a
lot of work I need to get to...

00:20:48.398 --> 00:20:50.984
Oh, this is work, I swear.

00:20:52.444 --> 00:20:54.154
Great.

00:20:54.571 --> 00:20:56.239
Good luck. Thank you.

00:20:57.324 --> 00:20:58.617
He's such an asshole.

00:20:58.742 --> 00:21:00.619
Out of control.
He's such a sleaze.

00:21:00.744 --> 00:21:03.664
A hundred bucks says he's showing
her the diving team photo.

00:21:04.414 --> 00:21:06.667
Check this out.

00:21:06.750 --> 00:21:09.086
That's me on
the high school diving team.

00:21:09.169 --> 00:21:11.046
We dove the shit out
of that pool that year.

00:21:11.296 --> 00:21:12.839
You promised me
this was about work.

00:21:12.964 --> 00:21:15.175
Lori, why don't you like me?
Ugh!

00:21:15.258 --> 00:21:17.302
I'm rich, I'm good-looking,
my dad owns the company.

00:21:17.386 --> 00:21:19.471
I have a boyfriend.
I have told you this.

00:21:19.554 --> 00:21:21.098
Yeah, the guy with the bear.

00:21:21.181 --> 00:21:24.267
But I'm talking about
a mature relationship, Lori.

00:21:24.434 --> 00:21:27.646
If we were together, our
babies would be spectacular.

00:21:27.813 --> 00:21:32.317
With my top-of-the-pyramid
Caucasian genes and your splash of

00:21:33.193 --> 00:21:36.655
dark, beautiful, smoky...

00:21:36.905 --> 00:21:38.740
Baltic? Czech?

00:21:38.907 --> 00:21:40.283
Goodbye, Rex.

00:21:54.548 --> 00:21:55.632
Oh!

00:21:55.924 --> 00:21:57.801
Okay, that was perfect.

00:21:58.009 --> 00:21:59.594
Would you like me to
wrap your leftovers?

00:21:59.678 --> 00:22:01.221
No, I'm good. Thank you.

00:22:01.304 --> 00:22:03.056
Actually, could you
wrap just this up for me?

00:22:03.140 --> 00:22:04.283
I want to scare
the shit out of somebody.

00:22:04.307 --> 00:22:05.308
Sure.

00:22:05.600 --> 00:22:06.560
What are you, five years old?

00:22:06.643 --> 00:22:07.644
Yeah.

00:22:07.853 --> 00:22:10.063
But I read at a
six-year-old level, so...

00:22:11.481 --> 00:22:15.610
Sir, and madam,
here is your dessert

00:22:15.694 --> 00:22:17.654
and champagne.

00:22:17.988 --> 00:22:19.072
Ooh!

00:22:19.322 --> 00:22:20.657
Cristal.

00:22:20.741 --> 00:22:23.410
It's a special night. We've
been dating for four years.

00:22:23.493 --> 00:22:26.121
And hey, all those rich black
people can't be wrong, right?

00:22:29.666 --> 00:22:31.543
It doesn't feel like
four years, does it?

00:22:32.169 --> 00:22:33.503
No, it doesn't.

00:22:33.754 --> 00:22:37.048
You know, you had no business
being out on that dance floor,

00:22:37.132 --> 00:22:39.176
but I'm really happy
that you were.

00:22:45.515 --> 00:22:47.100
This song is so great.

00:22:47.184 --> 00:22:50.228
Oh, yeah. Chris Brown
can do no wrong.

00:22:50.645 --> 00:22:52.564
Wow, you can really move.

00:22:52.647 --> 00:22:54.858
You like that, huh?
Check this shit out.

00:23:01.531 --> 00:23:02.783
Oh, my God!

00:23:03.617 --> 00:23:04.951
Are you okay?

00:23:05.035 --> 00:23:06.244
Oh, God, I am so sorry.

00:23:06.328 --> 00:23:07.496
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

00:23:07.579 --> 00:23:10.332
Jesus, I am so sorry. I didn't see you.
It was an accident.

00:23:10.415 --> 00:23:11.500
Did you hurt your head?

00:23:11.583 --> 00:23:13.210
Yeah, my head hurts a lot.

00:23:13.293 --> 00:23:14.878
Oh, man. Here, let
me get you some ice.

00:23:19.216 --> 00:23:20.217
Ow!

00:23:20.300 --> 00:23:22.844
Sorry, sorry. Does it hurt?

00:23:25.806 --> 00:23:28.558
No. It's fine.

00:23:30.227 --> 00:23:32.896
Okay, here's a test to see how
much you actually care about me.

00:23:33.647 --> 00:23:35.524
You remember that night,
after the club

00:23:35.607 --> 00:23:39.444
we went and had late-night eggs
and waffles until about 5:00 A.M.

00:23:39.528 --> 00:23:42.489
We watched a movie on the
little TV in the diner.

00:23:42.572 --> 00:23:43.907
Name that movie.

00:23:44.366 --> 00:23:45.408
<i>Octopussy.</i>

00:23:45.617 --> 00:23:48.578
Baby! Gold star.

00:23:48.662 --> 00:23:50.956
And, by the way, my
dancing was not that bad.

00:23:51.039 --> 00:23:52.874
It was pretty bad.
I have cool moves.

00:23:52.958 --> 00:23:54.334
Yeah, so do people
with Parkinson's.

00:23:54.417 --> 00:23:55.669
That's not how I remember it.

00:23:55.752 --> 00:23:57.087
Okay, how do you remember it?

00:24:26.992 --> 00:24:28.952
All right, whatever you say.

00:24:29.119 --> 00:24:30.412
Hey Yes?

00:24:30.495 --> 00:24:31.830
Here's to four more years.

00:24:32.163 --> 00:24:33.832
Okay. You make me happy.

00:24:34.708 --> 00:24:36.209
Now, I know we said
no gifts, but...

00:24:36.293 --> 00:24:37.294
We said no such thing.

00:24:37.377 --> 00:24:40.213
I got you something anyway, in clear
violation of the "no gift" rule.

00:24:40.297 --> 00:24:41.506
We had no such rule.

00:24:41.590 --> 00:24:45.010
Lori, I've wanted to give
this to you for a long time.

00:24:48.179 --> 00:24:49.431
John”.

00:24:55.145 --> 00:24:57.856
Those are the ones you like, right?
From that kiosk at the mall.

00:24:58.982 --> 00:25:00.483
Yeah.

00:25:02.527 --> 00:25:04.029
You know, Lori,

00:25:04.112 --> 00:25:05.530
someday, there's going
to be a ring in there.

00:25:05.947 --> 00:25:08.658
But I want to wait until I get
you something really special.

00:25:08.742 --> 00:25:10.577
I just don't have
the money right now.

00:25:12.370 --> 00:25:14.956
Look, I'm only saying this
because I love you.

00:25:15.040 --> 00:25:16.541
You're not going to
have any sort of career

00:25:16.666 --> 00:25:18.209
if you keep
wasting time with Ted.

00:25:18.293 --> 00:25:19.336
Oh, jeez, here we go.

00:25:19.419 --> 00:25:21.046
Baby, please ask Ted
to move out

00:25:21.129 --> 00:25:22.505
so we can move on
with our lives.

00:25:22.589 --> 00:25:25.133
Lori, look, he's been my best
friend since I was eight.

00:25:25.216 --> 00:25:26.843
I was not a popular child.

00:25:28.595 --> 00:25:30.221
You have to understand, I had no
friends before he came along.

00:25:30.305 --> 00:25:32.641
He's the only reason I ever
gained any fucking confidence.

00:25:32.724 --> 00:25:35.769
But you're no longer eight.
You're 35 years old.

00:25:35.852 --> 00:25:37.812
And unless you're
too blind to notice,

00:25:37.896 --> 00:25:39.814
he's not your
only friend any more.

00:25:39.898 --> 00:25:41.441
Can we talk about
this another time,

00:25:41.524 --> 00:25:42.943
and just enjoy
our anniversary dinner?

00:25:53.745 --> 00:25:55.288
Oh, shit, hang on a second.

00:25:55.705 --> 00:25:57.540
Now my phone fell under
the seat somewhere.

00:25:57.624 --> 00:25:58.667
Can you call it?

00:25:58.875 --> 00:26:00.085
Yeah.

00:26:14.432 --> 00:26:15.892
Is that my ringtone?

00:26:16.309 --> 00:26:17.727
Oh, yeah.

00:26:18.353 --> 00:26:20.313
What is it?
'Cause it sounds negative.

00:26:20.397 --> 00:26:22.315
<i>No, no, it's from The Notebook.</i>

00:26:23.191 --> 00:26:24.234
Oh.

00:26:24.818 --> 00:26:26.486
This is going to take
some doing, I think.

00:26:26.569 --> 00:26:27.862
I'll just meet
you upstairs then?

00:26:27.946 --> 00:26:29.489
Yeah, I'll be right there.

00:26:37.539 --> 00:26:38.581
Oh!

00:26:38.665 --> 00:26:40.291
Lori, hey, you're home early.

00:26:40.375 --> 00:26:42.002
What the hell is this?

00:26:42.085 --> 00:26:44.504
<i>The ladies and I were just
watching Jack and Jill.</i>

00:26:44.587 --> 00:26:48.508
Adam Sandier plays a guy and his
sister, and it's just awful.

00:26:48.591 --> 00:26:49.676
It's unwatchable.

00:26:49.759 --> 00:26:51.511
But, they're hookers,
so it's fine.

00:26:51.594 --> 00:26:54.097
This place is a wreck.
Who are these girls?

00:26:54.222 --> 00:26:55.807
Oh. Where are my manners?

00:26:55.974 --> 00:27:00.603
Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly,
Cherene, and Sauvignon Blanc.

00:27:00.937 --> 00:27:02.022
I love you girls.

00:27:02.105 --> 00:27:04.607
You know, somewhere out there
are four terrible fathers

00:27:04.691 --> 00:27:06.735
I wish I could thank
for this great night.

00:27:06.818 --> 00:27:08.236
What is that?

00:27:08.445 --> 00:27:09.779
What is what?

00:27:10.280 --> 00:27:12.407
There is...

00:27:12.490 --> 00:27:14.409
a shit on my floor.

00:27:14.659 --> 00:27:16.870
In the corner, there is a shit!

00:27:17.120 --> 00:27:19.581
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were
playing truth or dare

00:27:19.664 --> 00:27:21.499
and Cherene's pretty ballsy.

00:27:21.583 --> 00:27:23.460
There is a shit on my floor!

00:27:23.543 --> 00:27:28.465
"Or is the floor on the shit?"
is what Kierkegaard would say.

00:27:30.467 --> 00:27:32.844
Who lives here? I'm coming
to get whoever lives here.

00:27:33.094 --> 00:27:34.429
You owe me lobster money.

00:27:34.971 --> 00:27:36.389
That's my buddy, Johnny.

00:27:36.473 --> 00:27:38.058
Not the lobster,
the guy running it.

00:27:38.475 --> 00:27:40.435
I found my phone.

00:27:40.518 --> 00:27:41.561
What's going on?

00:27:43.271 --> 00:27:45.482
Is that a shit?

00:28:00.997 --> 00:28:03.583
God, there are some
fucked-up fish out there.

00:28:03.833 --> 00:28:06.086
Look at that one.
WASP-y, white-guy fish.

00:28:06.169 --> 00:28:10.715
"I married the wrong woman, and
now I lead a life of regret."

00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:11.925
Oh, look at this guy.

00:28:12.008 --> 00:28:17.013
"I went to New York once in 1981,
and I just did not feel safe."

00:28:18.264 --> 00:28:20.475
Ted, you gotta move out.

00:28:22.393 --> 00:28:23.436
What?

00:28:23.978 --> 00:28:26.147
It's got to happen.

00:28:27.732 --> 00:28:29.859
What did I do?

00:28:30.860 --> 00:28:33.822
My relationship is at a very
delicate stage, you know.

00:28:35.031 --> 00:28:37.200
Lori and I may just need
a little space right now.

00:28:37.742 --> 00:28:40.620
Plus, a hooker took a
shit in our apartment.

00:28:40.703 --> 00:28:42.372
Oh, God! Ah, what?

00:28:42.455 --> 00:28:43.581
Oh, this is so gross!

00:28:43.665 --> 00:28:45.667
Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it!
Did you get it?

00:28:45.750 --> 00:28:47.627
No, I didn't get it!
Tell me when you get it!

00:28:47.710 --> 00:28:50.296
Oh, my God,
I got some on my thumb!

00:28:50.380 --> 00:28:52.715
No! You can never cook
with that hand again!

00:28:52.924 --> 00:28:54.634
Oh, my God! You have to
learn to cook left-handed.

00:28:54.717 --> 00:28:56.636
This is the most
disgusting thing ever!

00:28:56.719 --> 00:28:58.138
Don't! Get it away from me!

00:28:58.221 --> 00:29:00.140
Look, that was a tough
night for all of us.

00:29:00.390 --> 00:29:03.935
Ted, you mean everything
to me, and so does Lori.

00:29:04.018 --> 00:29:06.980
I'm just trying to find a way
to keep you both in my life.

00:29:08.565 --> 00:29:10.441
She's making you
do it, isn't she?

00:29:11.025 --> 00:29:12.110
Yes.

00:29:12.193 --> 00:29:15.363
But that doesn't mean we can't hang out.
We'll hang out all the time.

00:29:15.822 --> 00:29:18.408
Yeah, but what about "thunder
buddies for life," Johnny?

00:29:18.491 --> 00:29:20.994
I know. I just don't
know what to do, here.

00:29:21.077 --> 00:29:25.039
I know it sucks, but otherwise
I'm going to lose her.

00:29:25.165 --> 00:29:26.708
And I do love her, Ted.

00:29:27.333 --> 00:29:28.960
I know you do, Johnny.

00:29:29.210 --> 00:29:31.379
I'll help you get on your
feet out there, I promise.

00:29:31.838 --> 00:29:33.756
I know. And we'll hang
out all the time, right?

00:29:33.923 --> 00:29:35.341
All the time.

00:29:35.550 --> 00:29:37.218
Fuck it. Bring it in. Come here.

00:29:37.302 --> 00:29:39.220
Bring it in, you bastard.
Come on.

00:29:39.762 --> 00:29:41.014
<i>I love you!</i>

00:29:41.264 --> 00:29:43.975
Fuck. Shit, sorry, that's
the thing from the...

00:29:44.142 --> 00:29:45.977
The old... Yeah, yeah.

00:29:46.060 --> 00:29:47.478
I'm not gay. I know.

00:29:47.562 --> 00:29:49.689
And you're not gay,
so we're fine.

00:29:50.899 --> 00:29:53.359
We gotta get you a job.

00:29:54.736 --> 00:29:55.820
I look stupid.

00:29:55.904 --> 00:29:57.113
No you don't. You look dapper.

00:29:57.197 --> 00:29:59.574
I don't. I look like
Snuggle's accountant.

00:29:59.657 --> 00:30:00.950
Come on, it's not that bad.

00:30:01.034 --> 00:30:02.410
John, I look like something
you give your kid

00:30:02.493 --> 00:30:03.995
when you tell him Grandma died.

00:30:04.162 --> 00:30:06.039
Look, I know it sucks, okay?

00:30:06.122 --> 00:30:07.165
But you've got
to make some money

00:30:07.248 --> 00:30:08.291
so you can pay
for an apartment.

00:30:08.374 --> 00:30:10.418
I don't want to work
at a grocery store.

00:30:10.501 --> 00:30:11.878
Yeah, but you have no skills.

00:30:12.045 --> 00:30:14.047
I told you,
I can totally be a lawyer.

00:30:14.464 --> 00:30:17.383
You get the job, we're
celebrating after, okay?

00:30:17.842 --> 00:30:19.219
Uh-huh. And if I
don't get the job,

00:30:19.302 --> 00:30:20.637
are we still going to
smoke that pot?

00:30:20.970 --> 00:30:22.138
Probably, yes.

00:30:22.263 --> 00:30:24.224
Uh-huh. Okay, all right.
Good talk, coach, thanks.

00:30:24.307 --> 00:30:25.308
All right, buddy, go get 'em.

00:30:26.309 --> 00:30:28.186
And don't worry,
I'll do my very best

00:30:28.269 --> 00:30:30.396
to get this job
that I so crave.

00:30:31.356 --> 00:30:33.066
So you think you
got what it takes?

00:30:33.233 --> 00:30:36.277
I'll tell you what I got. Your
wife's pussy on my breath.

00:30:38.404 --> 00:30:40.657
Nobody's ever talked
to me like that before.

00:30:40.823 --> 00:30:44.118
That's 'cause everyone's mouth is
usually full of your wife's box.

00:30:46.329 --> 00:30:47.455
You're hired.

00:30:47.705 --> 00:30:48.790
Shit.

00:31:34.752 --> 00:31:38.381
Well, I am a former celebrity
in a minimum wage job.

00:31:38.464 --> 00:31:41.217
<i>This is how the cast of
Diff'rent Strokes feels.</i>

00:31:41.301 --> 00:31:43.511
All day, every day. Just awful.

00:31:43.594 --> 00:31:45.888
They must feel awful. The
live ones must feel awful.

00:31:45.972 --> 00:31:47.056
Come on.
It's not that bad, okay?

00:31:47.140 --> 00:31:49.600
I got a shitty job, and I
assure you, I am quite content.

00:31:49.767 --> 00:31:50.977
Excuse me.

00:31:51.144 --> 00:31:52.312
I'm sorry to bother you

00:31:52.395 --> 00:31:56.399
but my son and I couldn't help
but admire your teddy bear.

00:31:56.899 --> 00:31:58.318
Oh, thank you. Thanks.

00:31:58.401 --> 00:32:01.487
Yeah. I'm Donny,
this is Robert.

00:32:01.654 --> 00:32:04.407
I have to say, I've been following
you ever since I was a young boy

00:32:05.575 --> 00:32:08.244
and I remember seeing you
on the Carson show.

00:32:08.411 --> 00:32:09.746
You were just wonderful.

00:32:09.912 --> 00:32:12.248
Oh, yeah, that was
a weird interview.

00:32:12.332 --> 00:32:15.752
Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept
muttering anti-Semitic comments.

00:32:15.918 --> 00:32:17.879
He thought ALF was
Jewish for some reason.

00:32:17.962 --> 00:32:19.630
Have you ever considered
selling the bear?

00:32:19.922 --> 00:32:20.923
What? Excuse me?

00:32:21.007 --> 00:32:22.216
I want it.

00:32:22.300 --> 00:32:24.552
I'm not an "it," pal.
I'm a "he," all right?

00:32:25.094 --> 00:32:27.055
I'm sorry, little guy,
but my bear isn't for sale.

00:32:27.138 --> 00:32:29.015
See, I've had him
since I was about your age.

00:32:29.098 --> 00:32:30.808
He's very, very special to me.

00:32:30.892 --> 00:32:33.144
Stand up straight when
you're talking to me.

00:32:33.478 --> 00:32:35.188
Why the fuck would he say that?

00:32:35.271 --> 00:32:38.274
Sorry, you really shouldn't
swear in front of children.

00:32:38.358 --> 00:32:40.109
Look, we're very
interested in the bear.

00:32:40.234 --> 00:32:41.819
If you want to make
some sort of arrangement

00:32:41.903 --> 00:32:43.613
here's my address
and phone number.

00:32:43.780 --> 00:32:46.032
And you can call me
any time, okay?

00:32:46.115 --> 00:32:47.158
Will do.

00:32:47.325 --> 00:32:50.203
Here it goes, in the really important
pocket for really important stuff.

00:32:50.286 --> 00:32:51.913
Okay? Okay.

00:32:52.080 --> 00:32:53.748
Okay. See you later.

00:32:53.831 --> 00:32:54.832
Come on, Robert.

00:32:54.916 --> 00:32:55.917
Take it easy.

00:32:56.084 --> 00:32:57.126
What the fuck?

00:32:57.293 --> 00:32:59.253
Can you imagine what that
little shit would do to me?

00:32:59.337 --> 00:33:01.214
I could totally see him just
taking you down to the basement

00:33:01.297 --> 00:33:02.840
and really slowly
de-limbing you

00:33:02.924 --> 00:33:05.259
while singing some creepy
Victorian nursery rhyme.

00:33:05.635 --> 00:33:08.054
<i>Oh, my little sixpence
My pretty little sixpence.</i>

00:33:08.137 --> 00:33:10.014
Stop it. Knock it off.

00:33:10.098 --> 00:33:11.599
<i>I love my sixpence
Better than my life.</i>

00:33:11.682 --> 00:33:13.559
Stop it! Fuck! Why you got
to take it to that place?

00:33:13.643 --> 00:33:16.187
You took it to a very... Now it's real.
Now it's a real thing.

00:33:16.270 --> 00:33:17.438
Come on. Take it easy.

00:33:17.522 --> 00:33:20.483
All right, look, let's just find
a better place to get stoned.

00:33:42.338 --> 00:33:43.965
I guess this is it, huh?

00:33:44.132 --> 00:33:46.426
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

00:33:46.592 --> 00:33:47.718
First night on your own.

00:33:48.052 --> 00:33:51.180
Yeah, first night in
my beautiful new apartment.

00:33:51.806 --> 00:33:53.349
It'll be great
when it's furnished.

00:33:53.516 --> 00:33:55.893
Yeah, and the guy said it ain't
hardly had no murders in it.

00:33:55.977 --> 00:33:57.895
So, that's good.

00:33:58.729 --> 00:34:01.566
Okay, so,
if you need anything...

00:34:01.732 --> 00:34:05.361
Yeah, I know. Don't worry,
Johnny, I'll be fine.

00:34:06.237 --> 00:34:08.239
I know you will.

00:34:09.031 --> 00:34:10.158
All right.

00:34:35.892 --> 00:34:37.268
Hey there.

00:34:37.351 --> 00:34:38.394
Hey.

00:34:38.478 --> 00:34:40.062
Hi. Hi.

00:34:42.398 --> 00:34:46.027
Listen, I just want
to say thank you.

00:34:46.944 --> 00:34:50.406
I know what you did
with Ted wasn't easy,

00:34:50.907 --> 00:34:54.327
and I just want you to know
that I love you for it,

00:34:54.410 --> 00:34:58.247
and I think it's a new beginning
for our relationship.

00:34:58.623 --> 00:35:01.334
Hey, anything for you.

00:35:01.417 --> 00:35:03.878
This is all part of the new,
grown-up adult John Bennett,

00:35:03.961 --> 00:35:06.631
so you better get used to him.

00:35:06.714 --> 00:35:07.757
Really?

00:35:08.716 --> 00:35:10.927
Well, you know,

00:35:11.010 --> 00:35:14.680
I don't have to be at work
for another 20 minutes.

00:35:15.431 --> 00:35:17.058
Well, that's perfect.

00:35:17.141 --> 00:35:19.018
Because I'm only
going to need one.

00:35:22.104 --> 00:35:24.440
You know what my favorite
thing about you is?

00:35:24.774 --> 00:35:29.445
That, even after four years,
you can still surprise me.

00:35:30.780 --> 00:35:34.867
To step up and change such
a huge part of your life

00:35:34.951 --> 00:35:37.662
just to make your
girlfriend happier...

00:35:38.204 --> 00:35:40.790
I don't know, I guess most
guys wouldn't do that.

00:35:40.957 --> 00:35:44.293
Well, most guys don't have
you to motivate them.

00:35:46.671 --> 00:35:49.423
I know I'm not
a talking teddy bear,

00:35:50.675 --> 00:35:53.511
but at least you didn't have to
make a magical wish to get me.

00:35:54.220 --> 00:35:55.680
How do you know?

00:36:06.816 --> 00:36:07.900
Oh.

00:36:08.109 --> 00:36:09.902
Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun,

00:36:09.986 --> 00:36:11.737
or are you just
happy to see me?

00:36:19.245 --> 00:36:20.746
There we go.

00:36:21.205 --> 00:36:25.042
Thank you very much, please come again.
We have a lot more groceries.

00:36:30.840 --> 00:36:32.592
Hey, Ellen.

00:36:32.675 --> 00:36:33.676
Yeah?

00:36:33.968 --> 00:36:35.011
Who's that over there?

00:36:36.762 --> 00:36:38.097
That's the new checkout girl.

00:36:38.180 --> 00:36:39.849
Don't know her name.
Seems cute.

00:36:40.016 --> 00:36:43.102
Yeah, very cute. Do you know
what I'd like to do to her?

00:36:43.269 --> 00:36:45.104
Something I call
a Dirty Fozzie.

00:37:19.013 --> 00:37:21.515
Okay, all right, so that's
where we'll draw the line.

00:37:25.895 --> 00:37:27.480
Hey, how are you holding up?

00:37:28.397 --> 00:37:31.692
Oh, I'm all right. I'm just getting
used to things, that's all.

00:37:32.193 --> 00:37:33.235
It's going to be all right.

00:37:33.694 --> 00:37:36.781
I actually went through something
like this with my last boyfriend.

00:37:36.864 --> 00:37:38.282
Really? Yeah.

00:37:39.033 --> 00:37:42.912
We were together for eight
months, and I really loved him.

00:37:43.079 --> 00:37:45.956
And then he got
deported back to Iran,

00:37:46.040 --> 00:37:47.500
so I know what
you're going through.

00:37:47.917 --> 00:37:52.254
Oh, yeah. So, I guess we both
lost our furry little guy.

00:37:52.922 --> 00:37:53.964
We sure did.

00:37:59.595 --> 00:38:01.263
Hey, Ted. Hey, Johnny,
what are you doing?

00:38:01.347 --> 00:38:02.598
You want to come over
and catch a buzz?

00:38:03.099 --> 00:38:04.558
Well, I could probably
stop by after work.

00:38:04.642 --> 00:38:07.269
Fuck that I traded off yesterday
so I got the other shift.

00:38:07.353 --> 00:38:09.939
Come on, I'm bored as crap over here.
Just swing by for a bit.

00:38:10.022 --> 00:38:11.607
I cannot just ditch work, man.

00:38:11.732 --> 00:38:12.848
Look, I'm trying to
get my shit together

00:38:12.858 --> 00:38:14.652
and be an adult here,
for Lori's sake.

00:38:14.819 --> 00:38:17.071
John, five minutes and then
I'll kick you out, I promise.

00:38:17.154 --> 00:38:20.241
Just come over. I got
the Cheers DVD box set

00:38:20.324 --> 00:38:21.867
and the guy down
at the store told me

00:38:21.951 --> 00:38:24.328
that everybody talks shit about
each other in the interviews.

00:38:25.454 --> 00:38:26.539
You'll kick me out in five?

00:38:26.622 --> 00:38:29.041
I will kick you out in five.
John, I have to kick you out.

00:38:29.125 --> 00:38:32.628
I have so much teddy bear paperwork
I have to get to, it is sick.

00:38:32.795 --> 00:38:34.171
What do I tell Thomas?

00:38:34.255 --> 00:38:35.631
<i>Just tell him you
don't feel well.</i>

00:38:36.132 --> 00:38:37.883
I gotta cut out for a bit.

00:38:37.967 --> 00:38:39.343
Lori tried to
break up a dog fight

00:38:39.427 --> 00:38:40.761
and I guess she
got hurt pretty bad.

00:38:41.053 --> 00:38:42.096
Oh, my God!

00:38:42.179 --> 00:38:43.889
Yeah, that's the way she is.

00:38:43.973 --> 00:38:45.433
She sees trouble and
she wants to help out,

00:38:45.516 --> 00:38:48.060
and I guess one of these dogs
clamped his jaws on her forearm

00:38:48.144 --> 00:38:49.895
and wouldn't let go
until the fireman showed up

00:38:49.979 --> 00:38:52.148
and stuck his finger
in his ass.

00:38:52.940 --> 00:38:53.941
Oh, Jesus.

00:38:54.024 --> 00:38:55.317
Yeah, she's pretty shook up.

00:38:55.609 --> 00:38:57.236
Up the dog's ass, right?

00:38:57.319 --> 00:38:58.946
Yeah, up the dog's,
not the fireman's ass.

00:38:59.029 --> 00:39:01.449
I thought the fireman stuck his
own finger up his own ass.

00:39:01.532 --> 00:39:03.284
No, I don't think a
firefighter would do that.

00:39:03.367 --> 00:39:05.411
Go, take care of it.
Let me know how she is.

00:39:05.494 --> 00:39:06.996
Thank you. Go.

00:39:10.291 --> 00:39:14.003
<i>Woody Harrelson. Smallest
dick I've ever seen on a man.</i>

00:39:16.380 --> 00:39:17.882
See, that's why
I watch these things.

00:39:17.965 --> 00:39:20.342
That's like a cool behind-the-scenes
thing that you wouldn't know.

00:39:20.676 --> 00:39:22.303
Oh, hey, listen, try this.

00:39:22.386 --> 00:39:24.597
I told my weed guy to step
it up and he gave me that.

00:39:25.014 --> 00:39:26.056
What is it?

00:39:26.140 --> 00:39:28.559
It's called "Mind Rape."
It's actually pretty mellow.

00:39:29.018 --> 00:39:30.269
It doesn't sound very mellow.

00:39:30.352 --> 00:39:32.271
Well, he only had
three other batches.

00:39:32.354 --> 00:39:33.647
"Gorilla Panic,."

00:39:33.731 --> 00:39:35.608
"They're Coming,
They're Coming,"

00:39:35.691 --> 00:39:37.485
and something called,
"This is Permanent."

00:39:37.568 --> 00:39:38.569
Go on, spark it up.

00:39:45.701 --> 00:39:47.620
There you go. You got it.

00:39:48.913 --> 00:39:52.082
Nice. Good, huh? Good job.

00:39:53.125 --> 00:39:55.127
Yeah. Take pride in that.

00:39:55.628 --> 00:39:56.921
You know,
this place looks great.

00:39:57.046 --> 00:39:58.839
Thanks, man, it's all IKEA.

00:39:58.923 --> 00:40:00.382
Did the whole place for $47.

00:40:00.716 --> 00:40:02.301
Nice. Yeah.

00:40:02.384 --> 00:40:03.844
How are the neighbors?

00:40:04.386 --> 00:40:06.347
You know, there's an Asian
family living next door

00:40:06.430 --> 00:40:08.641
but they don't have a gong or
nothing, so it's not too bad.

00:40:08.724 --> 00:40:10.559
That's lucky. Yeah, it is.

00:40:10.935 --> 00:40:12.603
How's work? It sucks.

00:40:13.229 --> 00:40:14.188
You?

00:40:14.271 --> 00:40:15.397
You know, not bad actually.

00:40:15.481 --> 00:40:16.941
I met a girl. She's a cashier.

00:40:17.107 --> 00:40:18.651
No way, that's awesome! Yeah.

00:40:18.734 --> 00:40:20.402
Well, we should fucking
double-date, or something.

00:40:20.486 --> 00:40:22.112
You, me and Lori,
and what's her name?

00:40:22.196 --> 00:40:23.697
White trash name. Guess.

00:40:24.740 --> 00:40:26.242
Mandy? No.

00:40:27.076 --> 00:40:28.244
Marilyn? No.

00:40:28.410 --> 00:40:30.246
Britney? Tiffany? No. No.

00:40:30.412 --> 00:40:31.497
Candice? No.

00:40:31.580 --> 00:40:33.207
Don't fuck with me on this.
I know this shit!

00:40:33.332 --> 00:40:35.000
Do you see me fucking with you?
All right, speed round.

00:40:35.084 --> 00:40:36.293
I'm going to
rattle off some names

00:40:36.377 --> 00:40:37.503
and when I hit it,
fucking buzz it.

00:40:37.586 --> 00:40:38.796
I will tell you. You got me?

00:40:38.963 --> 00:40:40.089
All right,
Brandi, Heather, Channing,

00:40:40.172 --> 00:40:41.382
Breanna, Amber,
Sabrina, Melody,

00:40:41.465 --> 00:40:42.633
Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal,

00:40:42.800 --> 00:40:44.677
Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
Taylor, Tara, Tami,

00:40:44.844 --> 00:40:47.096
Lauren, Charlene, Chantal,
Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista,

00:40:47.263 --> 00:40:49.056
Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
Trina, Reba, Cassandra,

00:40:49.223 --> 00:40:50.808
Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna,
Jolene, Earline, Claudine,

00:40:50.975 --> 00:40:52.977
Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra,
Carla, Chloe, Devon, Emmylou.

00:40:53.143 --> 00:40:54.562
Fucking Becky? No.

00:40:55.271 --> 00:40:57.773
Wait, was it any one of those
names with a "Lynn" after it?

00:40:57.982 --> 00:40:59.024
Yes.

00:40:59.108 --> 00:41:00.317
I got you, motherfucker.

00:41:00.442 --> 00:41:01.902
I got you. Okay.

00:41:02.069 --> 00:41:03.696
Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing...
Tami-Lynn.

00:41:03.779 --> 00:41:04.864
Fuck!

00:41:08.409 --> 00:41:09.410
What the hell?

00:41:09.493 --> 00:41:11.704
Hey, man, you think you can
open more than one register?

00:41:11.787 --> 00:41:13.414
There's, like,
1,000 people here.

00:41:13.497 --> 00:41:15.708
There's supposed to be
three registers open.

00:41:15.791 --> 00:41:17.459
For God's sakes.

00:41:30.806 --> 00:41:33.475
Stick your finger
in the loop of my tag.

00:41:34.310 --> 00:41:36.896
You had sexual intercourse
with a co-worker

00:41:36.979 --> 00:41:39.815
on top of the produce
that we sell to the public.

00:41:39.982 --> 00:41:42.234
I fucked her with
a parsnip last week

00:41:42.318 --> 00:41:45.696
and I sold the parsnip to a
family with four small children.

00:41:46.488 --> 00:41:50.117
That took guts. We need guts.

00:41:50.284 --> 00:41:51.994
I'm promoting you.

00:41:52.661 --> 00:41:54.830
You got a lot of problems,
don't you?

00:42:08.260 --> 00:42:09.386
All right, Kareem!

00:42:10.638 --> 00:42:12.514
Ah! You suck, Kareem.

00:42:19.063 --> 00:42:20.397
Hello?

00:42:24.276 --> 00:42:25.361
Huh.

00:42:28.906 --> 00:42:30.366
Hey, Ted.

00:42:32.409 --> 00:42:34.370
Hey there, fella. How are you?

00:42:35.287 --> 00:42:36.747
Are you out here all alone?

00:42:37.039 --> 00:42:39.041
Uh, no, no, I'm not.

00:42:39.750 --> 00:42:42.127
You know, you're never alone
when you're with Christ.

00:42:42.211 --> 00:42:44.505
So, no, I'm not alone.

00:42:44.588 --> 00:42:47.424
Yeah. Me, too.

00:42:50.511 --> 00:42:53.722
You know, Robert and I could
give you a very, very good home.

00:42:53.889 --> 00:42:56.100
Yeah, I'm pretty happy
where I am.

00:42:56.183 --> 00:42:57.559
I just got
a shitty new apartment...

00:42:57.726 --> 00:43:00.521
I can offer you
$6,000 in rail road bonds.

00:43:01.188 --> 00:43:03.107
Well, you know,
since I just returned

00:43:03.190 --> 00:43:04.900
from active duty
in the Civil War

00:43:04.984 --> 00:43:06.360
that actually
sounds very appealing.

00:43:06.443 --> 00:43:07.653
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

00:43:07.736 --> 00:43:10.906
That was 150 years ago
and I don't give a shit.

00:43:11.407 --> 00:43:12.616
Okay.

00:43:15.035 --> 00:43:17.746
Teddy, come on, we're going to be
late for dinner with your friends.

00:43:17.830 --> 00:43:19.331
Okay, be there
in a second, baby.

00:43:19.415 --> 00:43:21.667
As you can see, my dance
card is quite full.

00:43:21.750 --> 00:43:23.419
So, I'm going to
have to decline.

00:43:23.585 --> 00:43:24.878
Can I just get a hug?

00:43:25.254 --> 00:43:27.214
Oh, uh. No.

00:43:27.381 --> 00:43:28.924
Yeah. No, no.

00:43:29.091 --> 00:43:32.094
And it kills me to have to tell you
no, because I'm a people pleaser.

00:43:32.261 --> 00:43:33.345
Yeah.

00:43:33.512 --> 00:43:35.389
Thank you for
creeping up my night.

00:43:35.556 --> 00:43:37.182
And Jesus be with you... Okay.

00:43:37.266 --> 00:43:38.267
In Christ.

00:43:39.893 --> 00:43:41.270
Who was that guy?

00:43:41.353 --> 00:43:43.063
That was Sinead O'Connor.

00:43:43.147 --> 00:43:44.440
She don't look so good no more.

00:43:49.445 --> 00:43:51.405
How great is this? The
four of us out to dinner.

00:43:51.488 --> 00:43:53.282
How long have we been saying
we were going to...

00:43:53.449 --> 00:43:56.160
Lori, how you doing? I haven't
talked to you in forever.

00:43:56.243 --> 00:43:58.037
I'm good. I'm good.

00:43:58.120 --> 00:44:00.706
The company's having their 20th
anniversary party next week.

00:44:00.789 --> 00:44:02.374
So, that's something.

00:44:02.666 --> 00:44:04.752
Lori's a senior VP
at a big, huge PR firm.

00:44:04.835 --> 00:44:06.587
It's not that big of a deal.

00:44:06.670 --> 00:44:07.880
Company's turning 20, huh?

00:44:07.963 --> 00:44:10.007
So you can bang it,
but you can't get it drunk.

00:44:10.549 --> 00:44:12.968
Right? Yeah, she gets it.

00:44:13.052 --> 00:44:15.429
She enjoys my humor.

00:44:16.013 --> 00:44:18.015
Yeah, Rex is having
a house party

00:44:18.140 --> 00:44:20.434
but I'm surprised John
didn't tell you, considering

00:44:20.517 --> 00:44:23.395
you two have seen each other every
single day since you moved out.

00:44:24.063 --> 00:44:27.316
You know, it's funny, because
whenever Johnny and I hang out

00:44:27.399 --> 00:44:29.651
the first item
on our agenda is,

00:44:29.735 --> 00:44:30.944
"What's going on with Lori?"

00:44:31.111 --> 00:44:33.155
So, it's funny that
that didn't come up.

00:44:33.238 --> 00:44:34.408
That must have
slipped through the cracks.

00:44:34.448 --> 00:44:35.908
Yeah, but we do talk
about you all the time.

00:44:35.991 --> 00:44:37.785
Yeah, you remember the
other day, I was saying

00:44:37.868 --> 00:44:40.287
how great Lori's
hair always looks.

00:44:40.579 --> 00:44:42.539
Oh, my God,
it always looks so great!

00:44:42.623 --> 00:44:44.500
I always want to
fucking brush it.

00:44:44.583 --> 00:44:45.793
Right, Johnny? I say that.

00:44:48.712 --> 00:44:50.214
So, Tami-Lynn,

00:44:50.297 --> 00:44:52.633
why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?

00:44:52.716 --> 00:44:53.842
Like, where are you from?

00:44:53.926 --> 00:44:56.595
I'm always fascinated
to meet Ted's girlfriends.

00:44:57.012 --> 00:44:58.597
What do you mean "girlfriends"?

00:44:58.680 --> 00:45:00.349
Was there a lot of them
or something?

00:45:00.516 --> 00:45:02.893
No, that's not what she meant at all.
Right, Lori?

00:45:03.018 --> 00:45:04.353
Lori, you didn't mean that.
No, no, no.

00:45:04.728 --> 00:45:06.522
What I meant to say
was Ted's very handsome

00:45:06.897 --> 00:45:08.524
so I'm always
interested in meeting

00:45:08.607 --> 00:45:10.442
the lady that
can snatch him up.

00:45:11.068 --> 00:45:12.277
Did you just call me a whore?

00:45:12.361 --> 00:45:13.362
What?

00:45:13.529 --> 00:45:15.906
You just worry about your own
"snatch." How about that, honey?

00:45:15.989 --> 00:45:16.990
Whoa! VVhoa! VVhoa!

00:45:17.074 --> 00:45:18.992
What the hell happened? We're
having a friendly meal here.

00:45:19.076 --> 00:45:20.160
This was a nice evening.

00:45:20.244 --> 00:45:21.286
Don't talk shit to me.

00:45:21.453 --> 00:45:22.830
I just asked you a question.

00:45:22.913 --> 00:45:24.373
You know,
you're a freaking snob.

00:45:24.540 --> 00:45:25.791
You think you're
cool because you work

00:45:25.874 --> 00:45:27.501
at some fucking fancy
shit place, whatever.

00:45:27.584 --> 00:45:29.711
Okay, take it easy.
Nice, Lori, real nice.

00:45:29.795 --> 00:45:32.047
Me? It's not my fault
she can't speak English.

00:45:32.131 --> 00:45:33.257
Oh, fuck you!

00:45:33.340 --> 00:45:35.509
Just because you're on the business
world and shit you think, what,

00:45:35.592 --> 00:45:37.219
everybody should suck your
asshole, or something?

00:45:37.344 --> 00:45:39.638
Okay. All right, Tami, come on, honey.
Let's get out of here.

00:45:39.721 --> 00:45:42.015
We'll go back to my place for a
couple of vodka and strawberry Quiks.

00:45:42.099 --> 00:45:43.851
You know what?
I gave birth once, bitch.

00:45:43.934 --> 00:45:45.227
I could kick your fucking ass.

00:45:45.519 --> 00:45:47.604
And you better never show your
face around Quincy, you hear me?

00:45:47.688 --> 00:45:48.856
Okay, come on. Ever!

00:45:48.939 --> 00:45:50.566
I didn't know you had a baby.
Is it alive?

00:45:52.401 --> 00:45:53.569
What a cunt.

00:45:53.735 --> 00:45:55.362
Ow! I hate that word!

00:45:55.445 --> 00:45:56.530
What? That word.

00:45:56.613 --> 00:45:58.115
It's so sharp,
it's like an electric sword

00:45:58.198 --> 00:45:59.324
slashing
everything in its path.

00:45:59.408 --> 00:46:00.659
Why would you say that?

00:46:00.742 --> 00:46:02.536
You didn't exactly
stand up for me.

00:46:02.744 --> 00:46:04.246
I'm trying to
walk a line, here.

00:46:04.329 --> 00:46:05.622
I want to be fair to you
and to him, you know?

00:46:05.706 --> 00:46:07.541
I think you're being a
little more fair to him.

00:46:07.624 --> 00:46:08.750
Oh, come on.

00:46:09.877 --> 00:46:13.255
You know, your boss called this
morning asking me how my arm was.

00:46:14.131 --> 00:46:15.132
Huh?

00:46:15.257 --> 00:46:18.427
Yeah, because of that dog fight
that I tried to break up.

00:46:19.178 --> 00:46:20.262
Oh.

00:46:20.679 --> 00:46:21.847
If I had to make a guess

00:46:21.930 --> 00:46:24.141
I would say that you made
up some bullshit excuse

00:46:24.224 --> 00:46:25.601
to get out of work
to go to Ted's.

00:46:25.684 --> 00:46:28.061
Now, am I right?

00:46:29.605 --> 00:46:30.772
I made you out to be a hero.

00:46:30.856 --> 00:46:32.191
You know what, John,
we asked Ted to move out

00:46:32.274 --> 00:46:33.817
so we can give ourselves
a chance without him.

00:46:34.067 --> 00:46:35.944
You're not giving
anything a chance

00:46:36.069 --> 00:46:38.614
if you keep blowing off work to
get high with your teddy bear.

00:46:39.990 --> 00:46:41.617
You're right.

00:46:42.326 --> 00:46:44.411
I've been getting stoned too much.
I know that.

00:46:44.578 --> 00:46:47.831
I've been bumming around with Ted too much.
I know that, too.

00:46:47.915 --> 00:46:50.167
You give me one more chance,
I promise I can fix it.

00:46:51.251 --> 00:46:54.880
John, I need a man. Not a
little boy with a teddy bear.

00:46:54.963 --> 00:46:58.217
I know, done. Man. Right here,
in front of you, all right?

00:46:58.300 --> 00:47:00.886
Look at these pecs.
These are man pecs.

00:47:00.969 --> 00:47:03.430
Look at the hair on my upper lip.
That's man hair.

00:47:04.514 --> 00:47:06.475
I just farted.
That was a man fart.

00:47:13.649 --> 00:47:18.028
Fine, John, but this is, I swear
to God, your last chance.

00:47:18.487 --> 00:47:19.821
Trust me. I love you.

00:47:20.155 --> 00:47:21.490
All right, I love you.

00:47:21.657 --> 00:47:23.867
I love you so much. You
won't be sorry, I swear.

00:47:24.826 --> 00:47:26.161
Did you really just fart?

00:47:26.328 --> 00:47:28.413
Yeah, but I pushed it
that way with my hand.

00:47:29.331 --> 00:47:31.124
I wonder who it's
going to hit first.

00:47:31.208 --> 00:47:33.043
So, if I told him once,
I told him a million times

00:47:33.168 --> 00:47:36.004
these numbers do not add up.

00:47:36.088 --> 00:47:37.965
Who did this to us?

00:47:38.048 --> 00:47:41.468
God damn it!
I'm here on business!

00:47:45.555 --> 00:47:47.224
All right, here we go.

00:47:50.519 --> 00:47:51.937
I'm really glad that you came.

00:47:52.020 --> 00:47:53.272
Me, too. Yeah?

00:47:53.355 --> 00:47:55.399
Is it okay if I
kick your boss's ass?

00:47:55.482 --> 00:47:57.442
That won't affect your
workplace chemistry, will it?

00:47:57.526 --> 00:47:59.111
Please play nice.

00:47:59.194 --> 00:48:00.362
For you, I will.

00:48:00.445 --> 00:48:01.905
Thank you. Anything.

00:48:04.658 --> 00:48:07.327
There she is. I was worried
you weren't coming.

00:48:07.411 --> 00:48:09.830
Hey, squirt, how you doing?
Where's your bunny rabbit?

00:48:10.330 --> 00:48:11.331
He's a bear.

00:48:11.415 --> 00:48:14.835
Got it. Oh, my God! This
house is fucking huge!

00:48:14.918 --> 00:48:17.379
I know. Try not to get lost.
Come on in.

00:48:28.807 --> 00:48:30.892
Wow! Here are the ladies.

00:48:31.059 --> 00:48:33.895
Look at you guys.
You guys look amazing.

00:48:34.062 --> 00:48:36.106
A little heavy on the eye
makeup, but pretty good.

00:48:36.273 --> 00:48:37.357
Thank you, Rex. Thank you.

00:48:37.441 --> 00:48:38.483
You guys know
Lori and Jim, right?

00:48:38.567 --> 00:48:39.609
John.

00:48:39.693 --> 00:48:40.986
- You guys remember John.
- Hi.

00:48:41.236 --> 00:48:45.282
Listen, why don't John and I
go get a drink at the bar?

00:48:45.907 --> 00:48:46.950
Sure.

00:48:47.034 --> 00:48:49.494
Great, we'll be right back.
Come on, buddy.

00:48:50.912 --> 00:48:52.748
It's an old sweater, huh?

00:48:53.790 --> 00:48:55.834
This is Wade Boggs'
autographed bat.

00:48:55.917 --> 00:48:58.545
I just barely outbid Phil
Donahue for that at auction.

00:48:58.628 --> 00:48:59.671
Wow, cool.

00:48:59.755 --> 00:49:01.715
Yeah, cool.

00:49:01.798 --> 00:49:04.926
These boxing gloves were worn by
Joe Louis in his first fight.

00:49:05.969 --> 00:49:08.013
This is art. Get it?

00:49:10.766 --> 00:49:12.517
These were
John Lennon's glasses.

00:49:12.601 --> 00:49:14.394
They're worth,
like, a million dollars.

00:49:14.478 --> 00:49:15.979
That's me and Tom Skerritt.

00:49:16.271 --> 00:49:17.230
Oh.

00:49:17.314 --> 00:49:18.774
Check this out.

00:49:19.941 --> 00:49:22.110
It's Lance Armstrong's nut.

00:49:22.194 --> 00:49:23.945
I had it
freeze-dried and bronzed.

00:49:24.613 --> 00:49:26.073
Every now and then
when my life's

00:49:26.156 --> 00:49:28.367
getting me down
and things are tough,

00:49:28.533 --> 00:49:31.495
I just come up here
and I look at it.

00:49:32.788 --> 00:49:36.333
And it reminds me that
things aren't so bad.

00:49:38.210 --> 00:49:40.170
Sometimes you feel like a nut.

00:49:41.129 --> 00:49:42.756
Sometimes you don't.

00:49:44.424 --> 00:49:48.053
So, talk to me, Johnny Quest. How
are things with you and Lori?

00:49:48.136 --> 00:49:49.638
Things are great, actually.

00:49:49.721 --> 00:49:51.973
That's great. That is great.

00:49:53.392 --> 00:49:56.019
You know, Lori would
hate me for saying this,

00:49:56.103 --> 00:49:58.313
but she told me how
you are at the office.

00:49:58.480 --> 00:50:00.148
And, as one gentleman to
another, I just want to say

00:50:00.232 --> 00:50:02.484
I really hope you fucking
get Lou Gehrig's disease.

00:50:05.987 --> 00:50:08.323
I think I need to clear
the air here a little.

00:50:08.490 --> 00:50:11.660
Yeah, I'm kind of a
fun-time boss and what-not.

00:50:11.827 --> 00:50:14.746
But, look, man, I do that
with everybody at the office.

00:50:14.830 --> 00:50:15.997
I'm a kook.

00:50:16.081 --> 00:50:18.125
I have no designs
on your girlfriend.

00:50:18.208 --> 00:50:20.252
We work together,
and that's it.

00:50:20.377 --> 00:50:24.172
I think you're a great guy
and she's a very lucky girl.

00:50:25.841 --> 00:50:27.134
Well, that's good to hear.

00:50:27.217 --> 00:50:28.427
Yeah.

00:50:30.387 --> 00:50:31.430
Excuse me.

00:50:32.305 --> 00:50:33.306
Hey, Ted.

00:50:33.390 --> 00:50:35.600
<i>Johnny, where are you? You
got to get over here, man.</i>

00:50:35.684 --> 00:50:36.685
Why, what's going on?

00:50:36.768 --> 00:50:38.103
Okay, so I'm having
a little impromptu thing

00:50:38.186 --> 00:50:39.521
with some people
at my apartment.

00:50:39.604 --> 00:50:41.898
And, John, Sam Jones is here.

00:50:42.315 --> 00:50:43.316
What?

00:50:43.400 --> 00:50:46.403
<i>Sam Jones.
Flash-fucking-Gordon is here.</i>

00:50:46.486 --> 00:50:47.654
Holy shit! What?

00:50:47.737 --> 00:50:50.282
You remember I said my buddy's
cousin is friends with Sam Jones?

00:50:50.365 --> 00:50:51.783
My buddy's in town
with his cousin,

00:50:51.867 --> 00:50:53.702
and who do you think is with him?
Sam Jones.

00:50:53.869 --> 00:50:56.371
<i>Sam Jones is here, and, John,</i>

00:50:56.455 --> 00:50:59.040
<i>his hair is
parted down the middle.</i>

00:50:59.541 --> 00:51:00.834
Just like in the movie.

00:51:00.917 --> 00:51:03.336
<i>Yes. Get over here right now.</i>

00:51:03.503 --> 00:51:04.754
Fuck, I can't!

00:51:04.838 --> 00:51:06.715
I'm with Lori here.
I'm already on probation.

00:51:09.050 --> 00:51:10.177
I can't.

00:51:10.260 --> 00:51:13.638
John, Flash Gordon was the most important
influence of our formative years.

00:51:13.722 --> 00:51:16.099
He taught us right from
wrong, good from evil.

00:51:16.183 --> 00:51:17.976
And that the word
"acting" apparently

00:51:18.059 --> 00:51:19.811
has an extremely
broad definition.

00:51:19.978 --> 00:51:23.190
<i>Flash Gordon is the symbol
of our friendship, John.</i>

00:51:23.273 --> 00:51:25.400
<i>Come share this with me.</i>

00:51:26.359 --> 00:51:27.652
I'm coming.

00:51:28.195 --> 00:51:30.071
Rex, I got to go.

00:51:30.864 --> 00:51:33.116
I'll be back in 30 minutes,
tops, okay?

00:51:33.200 --> 00:51:35.744
But Lori cannot find out. She
absolutely cannot know I was gone.

00:51:36.244 --> 00:51:38.955
If you can cover for me, I'm
cool with all that other shit.

00:51:39.581 --> 00:51:41.958
I got your back on this. She won't know.
I've been there.

00:51:42.125 --> 00:51:43.668
All right, this is
one man to another.

00:51:43.752 --> 00:51:45.837
I don't really know you, but
I'm trusting you, as a man.

00:51:45.921 --> 00:51:46.963
This is serious.

00:51:47.255 --> 00:51:51.009
Dude, one man to another.
I got you on this.

00:51:51.176 --> 00:51:53.261
Thank you. I'll be back.

00:51:54.763 --> 00:51:56.806
I'm going to have sex
with your girlfriend.

00:52:38.473 --> 00:52:40.267
Johnny, thank Christ
you made it.

00:52:40.433 --> 00:52:42.060
Dude, I got 10 minutes.
Where's Flash Gordon?

00:52:42.143 --> 00:52:43.144
Okay, get ready.

00:52:43.228 --> 00:52:45.647
Hey, Sam, this is the guy
I was telling you about.

00:52:53.154 --> 00:52:54.155
<i>Flash!</i>

00:52:54.781 --> 00:52:56.157
<i>A-ah!</i>

00:52:56.866 --> 00:52:58.493
<i>Savior of the universe!</i>

00:53:06.501 --> 00:53:07.502
<i>Flash!</i>

00:53:08.003 --> 00:53:09.170
<i>A-ah!</i>

00:53:09.838 --> 00:53:11.339
<i>He'll save every one of us!</i>

00:53:14.843 --> 00:53:18.888
<i>Just a man with a man's courage.</i>

00:53:20.181 --> 00:53:23.101
<i>He knows nothing but a man.</i>

00:53:23.893 --> 00:53:26.229
<i>But he can never fail.</i>

00:53:28.023 --> 00:53:33.361
<i>No one but the pure in heart
Can find the golden grail.</i>

00:53:46.916 --> 00:53:48.543
How you doing?
Good to meet you.

00:53:49.919 --> 00:53:52.088
I thank you for
saving every one of us.

00:53:52.172 --> 00:53:53.214
Well, you're welcome.

00:53:53.590 --> 00:53:54.924
He acknowledged it.

00:53:55.091 --> 00:53:56.134
Let's do some shots.

00:53:56.217 --> 00:53:57.260
With you?

00:53:57.427 --> 00:53:59.429
Oh, my God, yes!
Oh, my God, yes!

00:53:59.512 --> 00:54:00.555
Let's go!

00:54:04.476 --> 00:54:05.518
Thanks, Flash.

00:54:05.602 --> 00:54:07.228
There you go, my friend.
Thank you.

00:54:07.437 --> 00:54:09.272
Death to Ming!

00:54:09.773 --> 00:54:10.940
Yes!

00:54:13.735 --> 00:54:15.278
You know,
you guys seem pretty cool.

00:54:15.445 --> 00:54:16.946
You like to party?

00:54:18.531 --> 00:54:19.574
Uh...

00:54:19.699 --> 00:54:20.700
Cocaine, right?

00:54:20.784 --> 00:54:23.578
Come on, dudes. Don't tell
me you never done it before.

00:54:24.120 --> 00:54:26.289
Not recently, no.

00:54:26.456 --> 00:54:28.208
I thought that was just
for people in Florida.

00:54:28.375 --> 00:54:29.584
You better follow me.

00:54:29.751 --> 00:54:30.877
Come on.

00:54:30.960 --> 00:54:32.587
Johnny, I'm frightened.

00:54:41.471 --> 00:54:44.099
We are going to
party like the '80s.

00:54:44.182 --> 00:54:45.350
Show us how, Flash.

00:54:45.433 --> 00:54:46.685
It's easy.

00:54:46.768 --> 00:54:49.145
We just gotta nail a lot
of girls named Stephanie.

00:54:49.229 --> 00:54:51.231
God, Johnny,
I got so much energy.

00:54:51.314 --> 00:54:53.108
We better start
doing stupid shit.

00:55:01.658 --> 00:55:02.951
Look, Johnny,
if we're ever going to

00:55:03.034 --> 00:55:04.244
get serious about
opening a restaurant

00:55:04.327 --> 00:55:05.328
we got to start
planning it now.

00:55:05.412 --> 00:55:06.621
Italian. Italian, yes.

00:55:06.663 --> 00:55:08.373
What's the special on Tuesdays?
Eggplant parm.

00:55:08.456 --> 00:55:09.499
Chopped salad, half price.

00:55:09.582 --> 00:55:10.750
And it's
a non-restricted place.

00:55:10.834 --> 00:55:12.711
Yeah. What do you mean?
Anybody can come.

00:55:12.794 --> 00:55:14.212
Of course. Jews are welcome.

00:55:14.295 --> 00:55:15.380
Well, yeah.
Why wouldn't they be?

00:55:15.463 --> 00:55:16.548
Exactly,
that's what I'm saying.

00:55:16.631 --> 00:55:17.716
Why even bring that up?

00:55:17.799 --> 00:55:19.023
You don't bring it up,
you just let them in.

00:55:19.092 --> 00:55:20.552
Why mention it? No one will.

00:55:20.635 --> 00:55:21.678
Why are we talking about it?

00:55:21.761 --> 00:55:23.258
You're talking about it. I'm
just saying, let them in.

00:55:23.304 --> 00:55:25.140
Let them in. Right. Okay.
Exactly. Good.

00:55:25.223 --> 00:55:26.224
No Mexicans, though.

00:55:29.310 --> 00:55:31.187
This is how everybody
sang in the '90s.

00:55:42.991 --> 00:55:45.034
Trust me, I can do this.
Shut up.

00:55:45.201 --> 00:55:46.369
Let him try it, man.

00:55:46.494 --> 00:55:47.704
All right, fuck it.

00:55:51.207 --> 00:55:53.168
Go, go, go!

00:56:01.676 --> 00:56:03.011
You son of a bitch!

00:56:03.094 --> 00:56:05.263
Well, you never should have trusted me.
I'm on drugs.

00:56:14.189 --> 00:56:16.024
Hey, Johnny,
I just had a great idea.

00:56:16.107 --> 00:56:18.526
Let's go get drunk and puke
on cars from the overpass.

00:56:18.610 --> 00:56:21.696
Come on, I do not sound
that much like Peter Griffin.

00:56:24.657 --> 00:56:26.785
You can do any '90s
song with just vowels.

00:56:33.833 --> 00:56:37.003
<i>A-E-I-O-U.</i>

00:56:39.214 --> 00:56:42.383
See? There, proof. Garfield's
eyes look like a pair of tits.

00:56:42.467 --> 00:56:43.468
You were right.

00:56:43.551 --> 00:56:46.137
If you can punch through this wall,
you really are Flash Gordon.

00:56:46.304 --> 00:56:47.347
Are you going to do it?

00:56:47.430 --> 00:56:48.431
I'm going to punch through it.

00:56:48.598 --> 00:56:49.891
Come on, Sam, do it! Do it!

00:56:50.892 --> 00:56:52.894
Oh, my God!

00:56:54.312 --> 00:56:55.647
Yes! He did it!

00:56:57.065 --> 00:56:58.107
What the hell you problem?

00:56:58.274 --> 00:57:00.902
You break my wall!
I break you wall!

00:57:05.365 --> 00:57:06.366
Break his arm off!

00:57:06.449 --> 00:57:08.243
We're going to die.
We're all going to die.

00:57:08.368 --> 00:57:09.828
Break this up, break this up.

00:57:09.911 --> 00:57:10.912
Get him!

00:57:12.121 --> 00:57:14.999
You break my wall!
This my home long time.

00:57:15.083 --> 00:57:16.876
You break my wall,
you bastard men.

00:57:16.960 --> 00:57:18.336
We're sorry,
it was an accident, okay?

00:57:18.419 --> 00:57:21.047
I try to make duck dinner,
now plaster everywhere.

00:57:21.130 --> 00:57:23.883
Chill out. Can we just talk about this?
What's your name? I'm John.

00:57:24.050 --> 00:57:25.510
My name is Wan Ming.

00:57:25.802 --> 00:57:26.845
Ming?

00:57:27.011 --> 00:57:28.763
You pay many dollar for wall!

00:57:28.847 --> 00:57:31.558
This bullshit!
This all bullshit!

00:57:31.724 --> 00:57:33.726
Death to Ming!

00:57:57.333 --> 00:57:58.459
Rape!

00:58:01.170 --> 00:58:02.213
Sam, let him go.

00:58:07.719 --> 00:58:09.846
You crazy! You crazy, man!

00:58:10.263 --> 00:58:11.723
Come on, James Franco.

00:58:14.851 --> 00:58:16.978
You pay for wall!

00:58:17.312 --> 00:58:18.813
Move, sucker!

00:58:36.539 --> 00:58:38.583
Greatest night ever!

00:58:49.427 --> 00:58:50.637
Hey.

00:58:50.929 --> 00:58:51.971
Hey, Guy.

00:58:52.180 --> 00:58:53.598
What's going on?

00:58:54.515 --> 00:58:56.935
This is Jared. He's the
guy who beat me up.

00:58:57.352 --> 00:58:58.853
And we're in love.

00:58:59.854 --> 00:59:00.813
Huh?

00:59:00.897 --> 00:59:03.733
Turns out I'm gay, or whatever.

00:59:04.525 --> 00:59:05.568
I had no idea.

00:59:06.778 --> 00:59:09.948
Hey, Jared, let's go grab
another one of these.

00:59:13.493 --> 00:59:14.619
How we doing, ace?

00:59:15.119 --> 00:59:16.412
You coming down?

00:59:16.579 --> 00:59:18.414
Yeah, I don't feel so good.

00:59:18.581 --> 00:59:21.542
Give it a couple of hours.
You'll be golden, Ponyboy.

00:59:22.043 --> 00:59:23.336
You want a Xanax?

00:59:24.921 --> 00:59:26.130
Holy shit. Oh, my God.

00:59:26.214 --> 00:59:27.215
What?

00:59:28.383 --> 00:59:30.051
I got to go.

00:59:38.101 --> 00:59:39.143
Lori, I...

00:59:40.561 --> 00:59:41.729
Lori!

00:59:43.606 --> 00:59:45.900
Lori, wait, please.

00:59:46.776 --> 00:59:48.653
Look, I'm sorry, I messed up...

00:59:48.736 --> 00:59:50.613
John, I need you out of
the apartment tonight.

00:59:51.072 --> 00:59:52.490
Can I... Just give
me the car keys.

00:59:52.573 --> 00:59:54.450
Can I please just explain? No.

00:59:54.659 --> 00:59:55.660
Look, I was...

00:59:55.743 --> 00:59:58.162
I have given up a huge
chunk of my life for you.

00:59:58.329 --> 01:00:00.957
I was going to stop in for like five
minutes and then Flash Gordon...

01:00:01.124 --> 01:00:03.084
Just give me the car keys.

01:00:13.428 --> 01:00:14.721
Lori.

01:00:15.096 --> 01:00:16.639
Lori, please, I love you.

01:00:30.445 --> 01:00:33.156
Johnny, there you are.
I had to get some air.

01:00:33.239 --> 01:00:35.324
That guy from your office
is in there on the couch

01:00:35.408 --> 01:00:37.535
making out with that
Van Wilder-looking guy.

01:00:37.785 --> 01:00:39.787
You know what? Fuck you. I don't
even want to talk to you.

01:00:40.663 --> 01:00:41.706
What?

01:00:41.789 --> 01:00:44.042
Do you know what just happened?

01:00:44.125 --> 01:00:46.502
Do you have any clue?
My fucking life just ended!

01:00:47.211 --> 01:00:48.713
Come on. She'll go home,

01:00:48.796 --> 01:00:50.798
she'll watch Bridget
Jones-something-asshole.

01:00:50.882 --> 01:00:53.092
She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine.
You'll talk to her tomorrow.

01:00:53.217 --> 01:00:54.927
Come on upstairs. Are you
even listening to me?

01:00:55.011 --> 01:00:57.138
Do you give any
shred of a shit?

01:00:58.306 --> 01:01:00.058
Of course I do, Johnny.

01:01:00.141 --> 01:01:02.018
"Thunder buddies
for life," remember?

01:01:02.101 --> 01:01:04.687
Jesus! Lori was right.

01:01:04.771 --> 01:01:07.148
I should have stopped hanging
out with you a long time ago.

01:01:07.315 --> 01:01:09.233
I'm never going to have
a life with you around.

01:01:09.400 --> 01:01:11.861
I'm 35 years old
and I'm going nowhere.

01:01:11.944 --> 01:01:15.406
All I do is smoke pot and watch
movies with a teddy-fucking-bear.

01:01:15.490 --> 01:01:17.992
Because of that, I just
lost the love of my life.

01:01:18.743 --> 01:01:20.119
Johnny, I'm...

01:01:20.286 --> 01:01:21.412
I'm sorry.

01:01:21.579 --> 01:01:23.915
I gotta be on my own, Ted.
I can't see you any more.

01:01:26.626 --> 01:01:28.753
John, wait. Listen.

01:01:29.128 --> 01:01:31.255
<i>I love you!</i>

01:02:30.439 --> 01:02:33.943
So, word through the
grapevine is that you're

01:02:34.068 --> 01:02:35.153
newly solo.

01:02:35.361 --> 01:02:37.280
Rex, I have a lot of
work I need to get to.

01:02:37.613 --> 01:02:40.700
I have tickets to Norah Jones
at the Hatch Shell tonight

01:02:40.783 --> 01:02:43.411
and I would love it
if you would go with me.

01:02:43.703 --> 01:02:46.706
You're asking me out a week
after I broke up with somebody?

01:02:47.165 --> 01:02:49.333
Look, I'm going to
cut the shit, here.

01:02:49.417 --> 01:02:50.418
Please.

01:02:50.710 --> 01:02:54.046
This is the first time
that you've been single

01:02:54.130 --> 01:02:55.631
in all the years
you've worked here.

01:02:56.299 --> 01:02:58.885
Just go out with me one time.

01:02:58.968 --> 01:03:00.678
And if you're miserable
and you hate it

01:03:00.761 --> 01:03:05.099
then I promise I will never
even hint at the subject again.

01:03:06.642 --> 01:03:07.643
Please.

01:03:07.894 --> 01:03:09.353
Rex, I don't think it's smart.

01:03:09.478 --> 01:03:11.606
I'm an asshole, I know that.

01:03:11.689 --> 01:03:13.024
It worked for me
in high school,

01:03:13.107 --> 01:03:14.609
and it's been
a reflex ever since.

01:03:15.067 --> 01:03:17.236
Lori, the worst that can happen

01:03:17.612 --> 01:03:20.072
is that you go on
a fun, casual date

01:03:20.156 --> 01:03:22.200
with a guy who
just wants a chance

01:03:22.283 --> 01:03:25.786
to prove that he can be
something more than a jerk.

01:03:25.870 --> 01:03:28.206
Plus, you are a huge catch.

01:03:28.289 --> 01:03:30.333
And it's about time someone
treated you that way.

01:03:32.585 --> 01:03:34.587
Fuck it. Fine.

01:03:34.754 --> 01:03:36.964
Fine. It sure as hell beats crying
myself to sleep every night.

01:03:37.048 --> 01:03:39.258
And if that means
getting you off my back,

01:03:39.342 --> 01:03:40.676
well, that's just a bonus.

01:03:40.760 --> 01:03:42.220
I'll pick you up at 8:00.

01:03:49.810 --> 01:03:52.355
Johnny. It's me.

01:03:52.772 --> 01:03:53.814
Go away.

01:03:54.148 --> 01:03:56.859
Johnny, open the door,
please, I want to talk.

01:04:06.577 --> 01:04:08.621
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck, man?

01:04:08.788 --> 01:04:10.998
Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know
you're pissed, all right?

01:04:11.165 --> 01:04:13.167
But just listen to me
for five seconds.

01:04:13.376 --> 01:04:15.544
I saw Lori leaving
the apartment with Rex.

01:04:15.628 --> 01:04:16.629
What?

01:04:16.712 --> 01:04:18.047
I'm serious, John.
I went over to talk to her

01:04:18.130 --> 01:04:19.757
and maybe take some
of the heat off you.

01:04:19.840 --> 01:04:21.217
And there he was,
picking her up.

01:04:21.300 --> 01:04:22.635
They were going
to the Hatch Shell.

01:04:22.802 --> 01:04:24.720
You're fucking unbelievable,
you know that?

01:04:24.804 --> 01:04:26.389
How stupid do you think I am?

01:04:26.472 --> 01:04:27.974
If you think that by
making shit like that up

01:04:28.057 --> 01:04:30.017
you're going to make me choose
some kind of loyalty to you

01:04:30.101 --> 01:04:31.269
over her you're out
of your fucking mind.

01:04:31.352 --> 01:04:33.521
Johnny, it's the truth,
I'm telling you.

01:04:33.604 --> 01:04:35.523
You know what? Get out of here.

01:04:36.482 --> 01:04:38.901
You know what? You're acting like a cock.
You know that?

01:04:39.068 --> 01:04:40.486
What? I'm acting like a cock?

01:04:40.569 --> 01:04:41.570
Yes, you are.

01:04:41.654 --> 01:04:43.656
So shut your meat hole for
a second and listen to me.

01:04:43.864 --> 01:04:45.366
Huh? Meat hole? What?

01:04:45.449 --> 01:04:46.993
That's not right, is it? No.

01:04:47.159 --> 01:04:48.911
"Pudding hole"?
Is that what they say?

01:04:48.995 --> 01:04:50.079
No, it can't be that either.

01:04:50.329 --> 01:04:53.582
Because, "How can you have any
pudding if you don't eat your meat?"

01:04:53.749 --> 01:04:55.918
Right? Pink Floyd.

01:04:56.085 --> 01:04:57.920
Look, the point is,
you're blaming me

01:04:58.004 --> 01:04:59.755
for something that
you did to yourself.

01:05:00.423 --> 01:05:01.632
Lori was right about you.

01:05:01.799 --> 01:05:05.428
You cannot take responsibility for
anything that goes on in your life.

01:05:05.594 --> 01:05:06.637
Oh, and you can?

01:05:06.721 --> 01:05:08.973
I don't have to.
I'm a fucking teddy bear.

01:05:09.432 --> 01:05:12.601
You know something? I didn't tie
you up and drag you to that party.

01:05:12.685 --> 01:05:15.646
I wanted you to come because
you're supposedly my best friend.

01:05:15.730 --> 01:05:16.897
You can't stand there
and tell me

01:05:16.981 --> 01:05:19.025
that you haven't always seen Lori
as a threat to our friendship.

01:05:19.108 --> 01:05:20.484
It works out
so much better for you

01:05:20.568 --> 01:05:21.861
when you and I are
getting fucked up

01:05:21.944 --> 01:05:23.195
on the couch at 9:00
A.M., doesn't it?

01:05:23.487 --> 01:05:24.572
Listen to yourself.

01:05:24.739 --> 01:05:27.283
What am I? Emperor Ming,
here, controlling your mind?

01:05:27.450 --> 01:05:29.035
That's your choice, John.

01:05:29.243 --> 01:05:30.953
And by blaming me,
you, you're just

01:05:31.037 --> 01:05:32.663
making yourself
look like a pussy.

01:05:35.291 --> 01:05:37.043
Sometimes I think back to
that Christmas morning

01:05:37.126 --> 01:05:38.294
when I was eight years old.

01:05:38.377 --> 01:05:40.087
I wish I had just
gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

01:05:41.672 --> 01:05:43.215
Say that one more time.

01:05:43.632 --> 01:05:46.510
Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!

01:06:09.784 --> 01:06:10.868
Shit!

01:06:15.122 --> 01:06:16.207
Fuck, man!

01:07:01.085 --> 01:07:02.753
Ow! Fuck! Cocksucker!

01:07:04.088 --> 01:07:05.798
Fucking stop! Fuck!

01:07:18.018 --> 01:07:19.228
Why are you crying?

01:07:19.895 --> 01:07:23.190
My dick is squished by the TV.

01:07:33.075 --> 01:07:34.869
I'm so sorry, Johnny.

01:07:35.077 --> 01:07:36.537
So am I, man.

01:07:37.079 --> 01:07:38.539
I love you.

01:07:38.706 --> 01:07:40.207
I love you, too.

01:07:40.708 --> 01:07:42.042
Listen.

01:07:42.585 --> 01:07:44.962
You got to let me help you make
things right with you and Lori.

01:07:45.379 --> 01:07:47.882
There's no putting things right.
She fucking hates me.

01:07:48.257 --> 01:07:51.969
No, John. We can get her back.

01:07:52.178 --> 01:07:53.179
Look,

01:07:54.221 --> 01:07:56.307
you remember when you were 10,

01:07:56.474 --> 01:07:59.101
and you hit that squirrel
with your BB gun?

01:07:59.268 --> 01:08:00.978
And then when we saw
it fall from the tree,

01:08:01.061 --> 01:08:03.105
we both started crying,
you remember?

01:08:03.272 --> 01:08:04.607
And then we ran up to it

01:08:04.732 --> 01:08:08.903
and we tried to give it CPR,
and it came back to life.

01:08:09.069 --> 01:08:10.905
John, we could do that again.

01:08:10.988 --> 01:08:12.031
Ted,

01:08:12.239 --> 01:08:14.867
we crushed its ribcage and blew out
its lungs trying to give it CPR.

01:08:14.950 --> 01:08:16.118
It died.

01:08:17.328 --> 01:08:20.372
Come on. We're going
to the Hatch Shell.

01:09:09.255 --> 01:09:10.381
Yeah!

01:09:10.464 --> 01:09:13.384
Thanks. We're going to take a short
break, but we'll be back in a few.

01:09:21.559 --> 01:09:23.143
<i>Play Chopsticks,
you jazzy slut.</i>

01:09:23.227 --> 01:09:24.270
Teddy!

01:09:25.604 --> 01:09:26.564
How are you?

01:09:26.647 --> 01:09:28.274
How are you doing,
you fuzzy little asshole?

01:09:28.357 --> 01:09:30.359
Well, I'm not a hot,
half-Muslim chick

01:09:30.442 --> 01:09:32.987
who sold 37 million records,
but I'm hanging in there.

01:09:33.654 --> 01:09:35.072
Half-indian, but thanks.

01:09:35.155 --> 01:09:36.156
Yeah, whatever.
Thanks for 9/11.

01:09:36.240 --> 01:09:38.242
Listen, I want you to meet a
good pal of mine, all right?

01:09:38.325 --> 01:09:40.077
John Bennett, Norah Jones.

01:09:40.160 --> 01:09:41.745
Hi, Norah Jones.

01:09:41.829 --> 01:09:43.998
Hey, there, sweaty.

01:09:45.666 --> 01:09:46.917
You ready to
bring down the house?

01:09:47.001 --> 01:09:50.170
Yes, ma'am. Thank you for
the opportunity, Miss...

01:09:50.254 --> 01:09:52.256
Ma'am Jones. Thank you.

01:09:52.423 --> 01:09:54.008
Jesus, you look fantastic.

01:09:54.300 --> 01:09:56.594
Well, you're probably not used
to seeing me fully clothed.

01:09:56.677 --> 01:09:58.137
Yeah, I know, right?

01:09:58.220 --> 01:10:01.849
Me and Norah met in 2002 at a
party at Belinda Carlisle's house

01:10:02.016 --> 01:10:04.393
and we had awkward
fuzzy sex in the coatroom.

01:10:04.560 --> 01:10:06.562
Actually, you weren't so bad
for a guy with no penis.

01:10:06.770 --> 01:10:09.857
You know, I have written so many
angry letters to Hasbro about that.

01:10:12.568 --> 01:10:13.652
Thank you.

01:10:13.819 --> 01:10:15.571
Now, I'm going to
give my chops a rest

01:10:15.654 --> 01:10:17.156
and bring a friend up
to the stage.

01:10:17.323 --> 01:10:19.450
He's going to sing a
song to a special lady

01:10:19.533 --> 01:10:21.702
in the audience
who he loves very much.

01:10:21.869 --> 01:10:24.788
Please give a big hand
to John Bennett.

01:10:28.000 --> 01:10:30.044
Oh, my God.

01:10:30.127 --> 01:10:32.004
Holy shit!

01:10:35.716 --> 01:10:37.551
I gotta fuck her again.

01:10:37.801 --> 01:10:38.802
Uh...

01:10:38.886 --> 01:10:42.389
Hi, my name is John Bennett,

01:10:42.723 --> 01:10:44.725
and this is for Lori Collins.

01:10:45.684 --> 01:10:46.894
Because I love you.

01:10:48.062 --> 01:10:52.232
This song always reminds me of the
most important night of my life.

01:10:53.317 --> 01:10:54.902
The night we met.

01:10:55.069 --> 01:10:58.906
This is the theme song
from the movie Octopussy.

01:11:03.661 --> 01:11:10.250
<i>All I wanted was a sweet
distraction For an hour or two.</i>

01:11:11.085 --> 01:11:15.506
<i>Had no intention to do.</i>

01:11:16.715 --> 01:11:18.717
Still better than Katy Perry.

01:11:21.845 --> 01:11:25.432
<i>Funny how it
always goes with love.</i>

01:11:25.599 --> 01:11:29.144
<i>When you don't look, you find.</i>

01:11:29.311 --> 01:11:33.232
<i>But then we're two of a kind.</i>

01:11:34.191 --> 01:11:36.443
<i>We move as one.</i>

01:11:38.445 --> 01:11:41.448
<i>We're an all time high.</i>

01:11:41.824 --> 01:11:43.158
You suck, get off the stage!

01:11:43.242 --> 01:11:44.785
Come on. Give him a chance.

01:11:47.621 --> 01:11:50.374
<i>Doing so much more.</i>

01:11:50.582 --> 01:11:51.667
You're an asshole!

01:11:52.251 --> 01:11:53.544
<i>Than falling...</i>

01:11:58.090 --> 01:11:59.174
Oh, Jesus!

01:12:00.759 --> 01:12:02.428
Someone call an ambulance!

01:12:11.854 --> 01:12:13.439
That was insane.

01:12:13.522 --> 01:12:15.399
Did you see the way the
guy's body hit the ground?

01:12:15.482 --> 01:12:17.109
He was like a rag doll.

01:12:17.484 --> 01:12:19.486
Yeah, I'd rather
just not talk about it.

01:12:19.570 --> 01:12:21.155
Do you want to go
get a drink after this?

01:12:21.238 --> 01:12:24.158
I feel like I could use one
after seeing a guy almost die.

01:12:24.241 --> 01:12:27.077
No, I think I'd
rather just have you take me home.

01:12:27.161 --> 01:12:29.079
One drink. Come on.

01:12:29.163 --> 01:12:31.081
No, not really
feeling up to it.

01:12:31.165 --> 01:12:33.000
All right, I get it.

01:12:33.083 --> 01:12:36.086
And, you know,
I don't blame you.

01:12:36.170 --> 01:12:37.755
I mean,
when you think about it,

01:12:37.838 --> 01:12:41.091
it was actually really unfair of
him to embarrass you like that.

01:12:42.301 --> 01:12:44.762
Just to be clear,
I'm not embarrassed.

01:12:45.179 --> 01:12:47.973
Listen, John and I may have our
problems, but at least he tried.

01:12:50.142 --> 01:12:53.145
You know what? I don't feel
like talking to you about this.

01:12:53.645 --> 01:12:54.730
Where are you going?

01:12:54.897 --> 01:12:57.900
Taking a cab. I'm going home.

01:13:02.196 --> 01:13:03.572
Finally.

01:13:14.708 --> 01:13:15.918
Down here.

01:13:16.001 --> 01:13:17.669
Not looking up your towel.
Swear to God.

01:13:17.753 --> 01:13:20.255
Not looking up your towel. Not
looking at your funny business.

01:13:20.422 --> 01:13:22.049
Ted, what are you doing here?

01:13:22.883 --> 01:13:24.218
I need to talk to you.

01:13:24.718 --> 01:13:26.804
Listen, if you're here to fight
John's battles for him...

01:13:26.887 --> 01:13:28.764
Look, just let me
talk first, all right?

01:13:28.847 --> 01:13:30.724
And then you can
say whatever you want.

01:13:35.145 --> 01:13:38.816
Look, John loves you very much,

01:13:38.899 --> 01:13:40.317
more than
anything in the world,

01:13:40.400 --> 01:13:43.445
and he's falling to fucking
pieces without you.

01:13:43.987 --> 01:13:45.864
He knows he screwed up huge

01:13:45.948 --> 01:13:49.409
but you've got to believe me,
it wasn't all his fault.

01:13:49.493 --> 01:13:53.205
I told him to bail on you that
night at Rex's and he said, "No."

01:13:53.288 --> 01:13:57.292
He said "no," he was going to stay there
with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori.

01:13:57.793 --> 01:13:59.837
So, if you just give him
one more chance

01:14:00.462 --> 01:14:03.674
I promise I will leave
and I'll never come back.

01:14:03.841 --> 01:14:05.968
All right? He'll be all yours.

01:14:06.844 --> 01:14:08.804
Ted, that's
a really nice offer,

01:14:08.887 --> 01:14:11.265
but I don't want
you to do that.

01:14:11.431 --> 01:14:15.435
This is between John and me and
I don't think it can be fixed.

01:14:15.602 --> 01:14:16.979
Yeah, because of me!

01:14:17.104 --> 01:14:20.357
Look, Lori,
you want him to be a man.

01:14:20.440 --> 01:14:22.359
But as long as
he's got his teddy bear,

01:14:22.442 --> 01:14:24.570
he's always going to be a boy.

01:14:26.613 --> 01:14:29.366
He's waiting down
at Charlie's right now.

01:14:29.533 --> 01:14:33.120
So, if you go down there
and just talk to him

01:14:33.287 --> 01:14:35.122
I'll be gone when you get back.

01:14:36.039 --> 01:14:37.332
Forever.

01:14:37.791 --> 01:14:40.711
And, you'll see,

01:14:40.794 --> 01:14:43.797
he'll never be
scared of thunder again.

01:15:27.507 --> 01:15:31.136
"Michelob Ultra
Tuscan Orange Grapefruit."

01:15:31.303 --> 01:15:33.597
My God, America is imploding.

01:15:42.648 --> 01:15:43.690
Hi, Ted.

01:15:44.316 --> 01:15:45.359
Fuck!

01:16:04.586 --> 01:16:05.879
Lori, what...

01:16:06.380 --> 01:16:07.422
Hey.

01:16:07.589 --> 01:16:08.799
What are you doing here?

01:16:09.383 --> 01:16:11.218
You can thank Ted.

01:16:14.888 --> 01:16:17.099
Should I sit?

01:16:17.557 --> 01:16:19.601
Yeah, if you want.

01:16:19.851 --> 01:16:21.144
Okay.

01:16:23.230 --> 01:16:24.940
So, work's good?
Everything good, there?

01:16:25.107 --> 01:16:27.609
Yeah. Yeah, work's good.

01:16:29.403 --> 01:16:31.947
I guess we can't make
small talk all day, huh?

01:16:33.240 --> 01:16:36.952
If it's okay with you, I just
want to say what I want to say.

01:16:38.078 --> 01:16:39.621
I could sit here and
tell you I'm sorry,

01:16:39.705 --> 01:16:41.164
it was a huge misunderstanding,

01:16:41.248 --> 01:16:43.792
and I'm ready to change,

01:16:43.917 --> 01:16:45.752
but I don't think you want
to hear any of that crap.

01:16:46.586 --> 01:16:48.922
I'm not going to try to
get you to take me back.

01:16:49.423 --> 01:16:50.465
Why would you?

01:16:50.549 --> 01:16:52.467
I've been a really shitty boyfriend
for the last four years.

01:16:52.551 --> 01:16:54.177
I don't deserve you.

01:16:54.928 --> 01:16:58.682
I know I didn't take our
relationship seriously but, Lori,

01:16:58.765 --> 01:17:00.600
I do love you more
than life itself.

01:17:02.561 --> 01:17:05.981
All I want is... I just
want to end on good terms.

01:17:06.064 --> 01:17:07.357
I owe that to you.

01:17:07.524 --> 01:17:09.943
I want you to be happy.
You deserve that.

01:17:10.777 --> 01:17:14.740
And I just hope that maybe
we can still be friends.

01:17:16.450 --> 01:17:18.368
Thank you for being so honest.

01:17:21.455 --> 01:17:23.415
That's pretty much it.

01:17:26.168 --> 01:17:27.294
Thanks for coming by.

01:17:58.784 --> 01:17:59.910
Whoa!

01:18:02.996 --> 01:18:05.582
Yeah, as you can see

01:18:05.665 --> 01:18:09.002
you've been a part of our
family for quite some time.

01:18:10.837 --> 01:18:12.089
Welcome home.

01:18:12.172 --> 01:18:13.715
Yeah, it's kind of
funny, actually.

01:18:13.799 --> 01:18:16.176
I got a lot of pictures of
you guys at my house.

01:18:16.426 --> 01:18:18.178
Is he all mine, Daddy?

01:18:18.804 --> 01:18:22.099
Yes, he is, my little winner.
Yes, he is.

01:18:22.474 --> 01:18:24.559
Ted, you've arrived
at a lucky time.

01:18:24.643 --> 01:18:26.394
It's almost Robert's play hour.

01:18:26.603 --> 01:18:28.980
Yeah, I'm guessing you guys
don't have a PS3.

01:18:29.064 --> 01:18:31.942
I'm guessing you're more of a "wooden
horse with a wig" kind of family.

01:18:32.776 --> 01:18:34.361
Yeah.

01:18:34.444 --> 01:18:36.321
No. Yeah. No.

01:18:36.863 --> 01:18:37.864
Yeah.

01:18:45.413 --> 01:18:47.374
Yeah, see, there's the guy.

01:18:47.666 --> 01:18:51.169
Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay?
You do as he says.

01:18:51.336 --> 01:18:53.338
You think you're just going to
get away with a kidnapping?

01:18:53.505 --> 01:18:54.840
That's a nice fucking
example you're setting...

01:18:54.923 --> 01:18:56.049
Language!

01:18:56.133 --> 01:18:57.634
Sorry. Sorry.

01:19:02.889 --> 01:19:05.851
You know, Ted,
when I was a little boy,

01:19:07.936 --> 01:19:10.147
I saw you on television.

01:19:10.313 --> 01:19:11.773
And I thought you were
the most amazing,

01:19:11.857 --> 01:19:14.526
most wonderful thing
I'd ever seen. Ever.

01:19:15.652 --> 01:19:20.323
And I asked my dad if I could have
a magical little teddy bear, too.

01:19:20.407 --> 01:19:21.825
And he said, "No."

01:19:22.200 --> 01:19:24.411
Can you just email me
the rest of this story?

01:19:24.786 --> 01:19:26.830
And I was so heartbroken.

01:19:27.539 --> 01:19:30.333
And I promised myself that
if I ever had a son,

01:19:30.500 --> 01:19:35.589
I would never,
ever, ever say no to him.

01:19:37.716 --> 01:19:39.009
Even.

01:19:39.176 --> 01:19:42.179
Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every
once in a while wouldn't hurt.

01:19:42.262 --> 01:19:44.264
Me and Ted are going
to be best friends, Daddy.

01:19:44.806 --> 01:19:47.809
Yes, you are,
my little chipmunk.

01:19:51.438 --> 01:19:53.064
Happy playtime.

01:19:55.025 --> 01:19:57.110
Jesus fucking Christ!

01:19:57.194 --> 01:19:59.321
I said a bad word one time.

01:20:00.113 --> 01:20:01.740
Daddy punished me for it.

01:20:01.823 --> 01:20:04.075
That's a great story.
I felt like I was there.

01:20:04.284 --> 01:20:06.077
Daddy gave me an ouch.

01:20:06.369 --> 01:20:09.080
Now, I have to
give you an ouch.

01:20:14.127 --> 01:20:16.463
All right, kid, you win.
We'll do it your way.

01:20:16.546 --> 01:20:18.131
What do you want to do?
You want to play a game?

01:20:18.215 --> 01:20:19.633
It's playtime, right?
We'll play a game.

01:20:19.716 --> 01:20:21.635
Yeah, I want to play a game.

01:20:21.718 --> 01:20:23.762
Good, good. Let's see.
How about we...

01:20:23.845 --> 01:20:25.597
How about we play a little
game of hide and seek?

01:20:25.972 --> 01:20:28.183
I love hide and seek.
I'll hide.

01:20:28.350 --> 01:20:30.518
Now, hang on a sec, there.

01:20:30.602 --> 01:20:34.147
Your dad likes you to show good manners.
Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?

01:20:34.481 --> 01:20:36.358
Okay. You hide first.

01:20:36.441 --> 01:20:37.525
Great. Fantastic.

01:20:37.609 --> 01:20:41.112
Okay, now you count to 100, and
then you try to find me, okay?

01:20:41.196 --> 01:20:42.239
Okay.

01:20:43.782 --> 01:20:46.451
Do I need to wash my hands
before I play this game?

01:20:47.160 --> 01:20:50.455
No. That's a weird fucking question.
No, just start counting.

01:20:52.582 --> 01:20:54.668
One, two,

01:20:55.543 --> 01:20:59.005
three, four, five,

01:20:59.714 --> 01:21:01.800
six, seven...

01:21:01.967 --> 01:21:04.135
No peeking, now,
or you'll get kid cancer.

01:21:04.302 --> 01:21:07.597
Eight, nine, ten,

01:21:08.265 --> 01:21:11.726
eleven, twelve, thirteen...

01:22:03.570 --> 01:22:04.821
Ah!

01:22:31.056 --> 01:22:32.098
Hey.

01:22:32.640 --> 01:22:33.892
Hey.

01:22:35.185 --> 01:22:36.478
You walking home alone, huh?

01:22:36.936 --> 01:22:37.979
Yeah.

01:22:39.314 --> 01:22:40.482
Do you need a lift?

01:22:40.899 --> 01:22:41.983
Oh, I'm okay.

01:22:42.067 --> 01:22:44.736
If I get raped, it'll be my
fault for what I'm wearing.

01:22:45.612 --> 01:22:47.822
Listen, John.

01:22:49.074 --> 01:22:51.326
There's something that I
need to say to you, too.

01:23:06.758 --> 01:23:08.468
Hey. Hey.

01:23:08.718 --> 01:23:10.387
John, I hope that...

01:23:11.137 --> 01:23:13.306
Listen, I don't want
you to think that...

01:23:16.434 --> 01:23:17.769
Sorry.

01:23:18.269 --> 01:23:21.231
I want us to keep talking
because I think that maybe...

01:23:22.399 --> 01:23:23.441
Go ahead.

01:23:23.525 --> 01:23:25.235
Whoever this is,
it's not a good time.

01:23:25.318 --> 01:23:26.778
John, it's me. Can you hear me?

01:23:27.278 --> 01:23:29.447
Ted? Listen,
I got to call you back.

01:23:29.531 --> 01:23:31.491
No, John, don't hang up!
I'm in trouble.

01:23:31.908 --> 01:23:33.159
What do you mean?
What kind of trouble?

01:23:33.326 --> 01:23:35.370
They got me. That freaky
guy from the park,

01:23:35.453 --> 01:23:37.122
and that kid who I
think is his son,

01:23:37.205 --> 01:23:38.581
but may also be his lover,
I don't know.

01:23:38.665 --> 01:23:39.999
Whoa, whoa, slow down.
Where are you?

01:23:40.250 --> 01:23:41.334
Uh...

01:23:41.418 --> 01:23:42.794
I'm not sure, it's...

01:23:44.003 --> 01:23:46.005
Hello? Hello, John?

01:23:47.382 --> 01:23:48.425
Hello?

01:23:49.259 --> 01:23:51.761
You're not a very
polite guest, are you?

01:23:51.845 --> 01:23:52.929
Shit!

01:23:53.012 --> 01:23:55.223
Ted, hello? Ted?

01:23:55.306 --> 01:23:56.683
What's the matter? Is he okay?

01:23:57.142 --> 01:23:58.852
I don't know. Where is he?

01:23:59.018 --> 01:24:00.728
I don't know. He just
said he was in trouble.

01:24:01.563 --> 01:24:02.939
Can you call him back?

01:24:03.022 --> 01:24:04.232
No, it's blocked.

01:24:05.400 --> 01:24:06.484
Wait a second.

01:24:10.530 --> 01:24:12.490
Go. Take Columbus to Herald
and get on the expressway.

01:24:16.077 --> 01:24:17.704
Hello, 911?

01:24:17.829 --> 01:24:19.122
I need the police right away.

01:24:19.289 --> 01:24:21.291
This guy took my teddy bear.

01:24:22.083 --> 01:24:23.126
Hello?

01:24:26.004 --> 01:24:28.173
Let me out of here,
you crazy bastard!

01:24:30.800 --> 01:24:31.801
I hear the fat kid running.
I hear the fat kid running.

01:24:31.885 --> 01:24:34.053
I bet it's hilarious.
Let me out of here!

01:24:34.262 --> 01:24:36.139
I am a citizen of
the United States of America

01:24:36.222 --> 01:24:37.599
and I have rights!

01:24:40.351 --> 01:24:41.895
Robert, seatbelt.

01:24:42.854 --> 01:24:44.731
It should be
right here, somewhere.

01:24:49.027 --> 01:24:50.069
Johnny!

01:24:50.653 --> 01:24:53.156
Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop!
That's them, turn around!

01:24:59.412 --> 01:25:00.455
Stay with them.

01:25:08.421 --> 01:25:09.464
Hang om.

01:25:27.482 --> 01:25:28.775
Back off, Susan Boyle!

01:25:33.988 --> 01:25:36.074
Oh, my God! He's going to jump!
Get closer.

01:25:41.037 --> 01:25:42.872
All right, easy. Come on, Ted.

01:25:46.459 --> 01:25:47.544
Shit! Yes!

01:25:47.835 --> 01:25:50.213
<i>Hey, Johnny!
Total T.J. Hooker, right?</i>

01:25:50.296 --> 01:25:51.548
Yes! Fucking-A right!

01:25:55.134 --> 01:25:56.261
Oh, shit!

01:26:01.474 --> 01:26:02.475
Go! Go! Go!

01:26:15.321 --> 01:26:16.614
Daddy!

01:26:18.658 --> 01:26:20.535
Let's see how well
you know these streets.

01:26:22.495 --> 01:26:23.538
Where is he?

01:26:44.350 --> 01:26:45.476
Jesus!

01:26:57.947 --> 01:26:59.198
There he is. Pull over.

01:27:32.774 --> 01:27:33.816
Where?

01:27:35.902 --> 01:27:37.111
No!

01:27:37.195 --> 01:27:41.282
You can't have my teddy bear!

01:27:47.747 --> 01:27:49.248
Holy shit.

01:27:49.332 --> 01:27:50.375
Sorry.

01:27:50.458 --> 01:27:52.418
Somebody had to go Joan
Crawford on that kid.

01:27:52.710 --> 01:27:54.253
Come on.

01:27:58.925 --> 01:28:00.093
Ted?

01:28:06.808 --> 01:28:07.934
Oh, my God!

01:28:11.145 --> 01:28:12.188
Shit!

01:28:38.297 --> 01:28:39.340
Jesus.

01:28:39.632 --> 01:28:41.551
Stay here. Just stay there!
No, John!

01:28:52.854 --> 01:28:54.397
You're mine, Ted!

01:28:54.731 --> 01:28:57.233
Screw you, pal.
I belong to John Bennett.

01:28:57.316 --> 01:29:00.987
But I can give you love,
and rocking horses,

01:29:01.612 --> 01:29:03.156
and dancing.

01:29:03.448 --> 01:29:05.908
I think we're very
far apart on this.

01:29:26.262 --> 01:29:27.972
Ted!

01:30:16.020 --> 01:30:17.021
Oh, my God!

01:30:17.104 --> 01:30:18.356
Ted!

01:30:20.650 --> 01:30:21.734
John.

01:30:22.401 --> 01:30:24.237
Lori, get the stuffing.
Get it all.

01:30:29.742 --> 01:30:31.202
Johnny.

01:30:31.410 --> 01:30:33.120
You're going to be okay, buddy.
Do you understand?

01:30:33.204 --> 01:30:34.455
You're going to be fine.

01:30:35.289 --> 01:30:38.376
Jesus, I look like
the robot from Aliens.

01:30:38.459 --> 01:30:40.336
No, look at me, buddy.

01:30:40.419 --> 01:30:41.921
I promise,
you're going to be okay.

01:30:43.172 --> 01:30:45.633
I don't think so. I'm...

01:30:47.635 --> 01:30:48.719
I'm in trouble.

01:30:49.720 --> 01:30:50.763
I need...

01:30:51.264 --> 01:30:52.765
I need to tell you something.

01:30:53.266 --> 01:30:54.433
What is it?

01:30:56.686 --> 01:30:59.522
Don't ever lose her again.

01:31:00.273 --> 01:31:02.441
She's the most important...

01:31:04.902 --> 01:31:07.238
the most important
part of your life.

01:31:09.240 --> 01:31:11.951
Even more than me.

01:31:13.077 --> 01:31:15.621
She's your thunder buddy now.

01:31:16.789 --> 01:31:18.624
She's...

01:32:01.542 --> 01:32:03.085
I got it.

01:32:18.851 --> 01:32:20.978
Baby, I don't know if
this is going to work.

01:32:21.062 --> 01:32:22.188
Please, just try.

01:32:32.239 --> 01:32:33.908
Come on, buddy.

01:33:20.413 --> 01:33:22.790
I'm so sorry.

01:33:23.249 --> 01:33:26.085
You did everything you could.

01:33:26.794 --> 01:33:28.796
I'm so sorry.

01:36:03.200 --> 01:36:04.160
Ted!

01:36:04.243 --> 01:36:05.327
I'm alive, Johnny!

01:36:05.494 --> 01:36:06.495
Oh, my God!

01:36:06.579 --> 01:36:08.873
I'm alive.
Your magical wish worked!

01:36:09.707 --> 01:36:10.749
You're back!

01:36:10.958 --> 01:36:12.835
Yeah, I mean,
when you sewed me up

01:36:12.918 --> 01:36:14.795
you put some of the stuffing
in the wrong places

01:36:14.879 --> 01:36:16.672
so I'm a little fucked up.

01:36:16.755 --> 01:36:19.592
But will you take care of me
forever and ever?

01:36:21.719 --> 01:36:23.721
I'm just Kidding you.
I thought it would be funny

01:36:23.804 --> 01:36:25.389
if you thought
I was fucking retarded.

01:36:25.764 --> 01:36:26.932
You asshole!

01:36:27.349 --> 01:36:29.268
Come here, you bastard.

01:36:31.103 --> 01:36:32.146
Ah!

01:36:32.438 --> 01:36:33.814
Welcome back, Ted.

01:36:36.525 --> 01:36:37.568
It was you.

01:36:38.819 --> 01:36:39.862
You did it.

01:36:40.321 --> 01:36:41.697
Son of a bitch!

01:36:42.198 --> 01:36:43.866
You wished for my life back.

01:36:44.116 --> 01:36:46.410
No. No.

01:36:46.619 --> 01:36:48.412
I wished for my life back.

01:37:01.175 --> 01:37:02.218
I love you.

01:37:02.635 --> 01:37:04.345
I love you, too.

01:37:06.347 --> 01:37:09.225
And I want you to know that,
after last night

01:37:09.308 --> 01:37:12.353
I don't ever want to lose anyone
who matters to me ever again.

01:37:12.436 --> 01:37:14.730
I'm not going to wait any
longer for my life to start.

01:37:15.731 --> 01:37:17.191
Lori,

01:37:18.567 --> 01:37:20.069
will you marry me?

01:37:21.737 --> 01:37:24.490
All I ever wanted
was you, John Bennett.

01:37:29.578 --> 01:37:34.375
<i>And so John, Lori and
Ted lived happily ever after.</i>

01:37:34.667 --> 01:37:39.546
<i>Having discovered at last, that all
they really needed was each other.</i>

01:37:41.882 --> 01:37:44.969
<i>John and Lori were
married in Cambridge</i>

01:37:45.052 --> 01:37:48.347
<i>by a very special
Justice of the Peace.</i>

01:37:49.014 --> 01:37:51.767
By the power vested in me

01:37:51.850 --> 01:37:54.853
by the New York Jets

01:37:54.979 --> 01:37:58.983
and by the united peoples
of the planet Mongo,

01:37:59.108 --> 01:38:02.903
I now pronounce
you man and wife.

01:38:02.987 --> 01:38:05.281
You may kiss the bride, Johnny.

01:38:23.799 --> 01:38:26.802
Hi. Tom Skerritt.

01:38:27.219 --> 01:38:28.721
Tom Skerritt! Wow!

01:38:29.179 --> 01:38:31.432
Thanks so much for coming.

01:38:31.515 --> 01:38:34.727
My daughter better be alive,
you sick son of a bitch.

01:38:35.894 --> 01:38:38.939
I am so fake-happy for her.

01:39:05.841 --> 01:39:09.178
You know, Sam, there's only
one way to end a perfect day.

01:39:09.261 --> 01:39:10.220
What's that?

01:39:10.304 --> 01:39:11.388
Flash jump.

01:39:11.472 --> 01:39:13.098
Right.

01:39:13.182 --> 01:39:16.185
One, two, three!

01:39:16.352 --> 01:39:18.604
Yeah!

01:39:22.274 --> 01:39:26.028
<i>And that's the story
of how one magical wish</i>

01:39:26.111 --> 01:39:30.532
<i>forever changed the lives
of three very special friends.</i>

01:39:30.949 --> 01:39:35.662
<i>Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their
torrid love affair for quite some time.</i>

01:39:35.746 --> 01:39:39.041
<i>One afternoon, Ted was caught
behind the deli counter</i>

01:39:39.124 --> 01:39:42.586
<i>eating potato salad off of
Tami-Lynn's bare bottom.</i>

01:39:42.669 --> 01:39:46.090
<i>He was instantly
promoted to store manager.</i>

01:39:46.465 --> 01:39:48.759
<i>Sam Jones moved
back to Hollywood</i>

01:39:48.842 --> 01:39:51.428
<i>with the goal of
restarting his film career.</i>

01:39:51.512 --> 01:39:53.430
<i>He currently resides in Burbank</i>

01:39:53.514 --> 01:39:55.474
<i>where he shares
a studio apartment</i>

01:39:56.308 --> 01:39:57.810
<i>with his roommate,
Brandon Routh.</i>

01:39:57.893 --> 01:40:01.605
<i>Remember Brandon Routh from
that God-awful Superman movie?</i>

01:40:01.688 --> 01:40:03.148
<i>Jesus Christ!</i>

01:40:03.232 --> 01:40:07.111
<i>Thanks for getting our hopes up
and taking a giant shit on us.</i>

01:40:07.486 --> 01:40:10.697
<i>Rex was forced to give up
his pursuit of Lori.</i>

01:40:10.781 --> 01:40:13.700
<i>Not long afterward, he fell
into a deep depression</i>

01:40:13.784 --> 01:40:16.120
<i>and died of
Lou Gehrig's disease.</i>

01:40:16.578 --> 01:40:19.081
<i>Donny was arrested
by Boston police</i>

01:40:19.164 --> 01:40:21.917
<i>and charged with
kidnapping a plush toy.</i>

01:40:22.000 --> 01:40:24.545
<i>The charges were dropped
when everyone realized</i>

01:40:24.628 --> 01:40:27.131
<i>how completely stupid
that sounded.</i>

01:40:27.589 --> 01:40:31.009
<i>Robert got a trainer, lost a
substantial amount of weight</i>

01:40:31.093 --> 01:40:32.386
<i>and went on to become.</i>

01:40:32.469 --> 01:40:34.513
<i>Taylor Lautner.</i>

01:40:34.638 --> 01:40:36.638
THE END

01:40:37.638 --> 01:40:59.638
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