WEBVTT

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..:: Presented By ZarFilm Website ::..
‏.::  www.bolboljan.net ::.

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We are often told

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that happily-ever-afters exist
only in the pages of fairy tales

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and in the naive minds
of sheltered innocents.

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And yet, on this bright,
sunny, Boston afternoon,

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a talking teddy bear is about
to marry his girlfriend,

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proving two things.

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Happy endings can
come true for anyone.

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And America doesn't give
a shit about anything.

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Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

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take this teddy bear to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

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I do.

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And do you, Ted,

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take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife?

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Fuckin' A right, I do!

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Then, by the power
vested in me,

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I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

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You may kiss the bear.

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Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!

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Teddy, this is
the best day of my life!

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I just love you so much.

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I love you, too, baby.

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I'm gonna go fifty shades
of bear on you tonight.

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Let's go get shit-faced!

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Okay!

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Thank you.

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Hey, congrats, you mofos.

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Oh, hey, Guy.

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Beautiful ceremony.

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Oh. Thank you so much
for being a part of it.

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Hey, this is my new
boyfriend, Rick.

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How you doing?

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Good, good.

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He's a gourmet chef.
So he knows how to toss a salad.

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Rick and I are actually
about to tie the knot.

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Oh, you guys
are getting married?

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No, we're just gonna go home
and tie our dicks together.

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- Ha! Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

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Deal.

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Hey, buddy.
You okay, there?

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You look a little down.

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Are you still shaking off that
hangover from the bachelor party?

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- Oh!
- That's nice.

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Oh, my God.
She's fucking begging for it!

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She's totally begging.
Get it. Get in there.

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Look at her.
She wants it bad!

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Oh, yeah.
She wants more

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than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?

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That's bigger than the average
bear right there, I tell you.

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You know what's fucked up? Dude,
that's somebody's fucking daughter!

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Oh, shit!
Jesus! Come on!

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I'm fine. I was...
just thinking about Lori.

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Oh, Johnny,
come on, man.

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It's been six months since
you guys got divorced.

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I know, I know.
It's just that...

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Being back in
that church again.

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I mean, everything seemed like
it was gonna be so perfect.

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Yeah. Well, you're
not the first guy

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to marry the wrong girl.

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Hey, hey!
Big day, huh, bud?

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You guys wanna celebrate with
a little something else, hmm?

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Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam.
Tami-Lynn would kill me

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if I did drugs
on our wedding day.

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Ah, she won't notice.

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I just did a line with a
dude in the men's room

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and I bet you
can't even spot him.

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Yeah, I'm gonna pass.

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♪ I'm steppin' out with my honey ♪

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♪ Can't be bad to feel so good ♪

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♪ Never felt quite so sunny ♪

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♪ So I keep on knockin' wood ♪

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♪ Yeah, steppin' out with my baby ♪

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♪ Can't go wrong
'cause I'm in right ♪

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♪ Ask me when will the day be ♪

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♪ The big day may be tonight ♪

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TED: This is the best
day of my life!

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I'm starving. What the hell
are you doing over there?

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I'm curing cancer.

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I'm cooking your fucking steak.
What do you think I'm doing?

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What do I think
you're doing?

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I think you're bleeding us dry,
is what I think you're doing.

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Look at this, look at this.
a $129 at Filene's Basement.

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What are you buying over there, Tami?
Gold bars?

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I need clothes for work.
All right, Teddy?

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What do you mean? You wear a
smock, you're a fucking cashier.

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Yeah? So are you!

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Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going
out and buying designer shit!

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Oh, no, no,
no, no, no!

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You're just buying weed,
you're just buying drugs.

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You should fucking talk!

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I was talking. I was just talking,
just now, until you interrupted me.

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Well, I have to
interrupt you or else

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I never get to
fucking say anything!

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Are you gonna let
me finish talking?

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You're always
cutting me off!

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Are you gonna let
me finish talking?

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Are you gonna let
me finish talking?

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It's important to
look good at work.

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I am trying to climb
the corporate fence, here!

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Nobody's in there
to look at your ass!

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You're acting like an asshole!

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Oh, what am I
acting like, Tami?

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You're acting like
a fucking asshole!

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Like an asshole!
That's what you're acting like!

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You don't got to dress like Elizabeth
Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!

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I am the face
of the business! Okay?

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The face of the business?
So get the fuck off my case!

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Jesus Christ! Listen to you!
You're delusional!

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I should've married Robert DiCicco.
I really should've.

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Fine! Fine!
Go torture that asshole!

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He treated me good!

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And he had a dick!
He had an awesome dick!

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Oh, newsflash! Boston whore
has seen Italian penis.

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What the fuck did you
just call me, fucker?

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What did you
fucking say?

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Jesus!
What the fuck?

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You wanna call me
a whore?

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You wanna throw shit?

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Yeah, I wanna
fucking throw shit!

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I'll fucking throw shit!

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Oh. Wow. There, see!
How do you like that?

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I'm scared, Teddy!

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I'm really fucking scared of
you, you little fucking bear!

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Shut the fuck up!

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Oh, for Christ's sake!

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Hey, you shut the fuck up!

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Why don't you come down
and make me, tough guy?

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Yeah, why don't you
come up here

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and make me come
down there, tough guy?

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I am gonna come up there and I'm
gonna kick your fucking ass!

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Yeah, why don't you
try it, asshole?

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Get your ass up here
and kick my ass!

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Shut the fuck up,
you stupid bitch!

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Hey, shut up,
lady!

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Run the fuck back
to Russia, you whore!

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Get the fuck
out of here!

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People are
trying to sleep!

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God damn it!

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Shut the fuck up!

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Hey, I'm really sorry!
Yeah, me, too.

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She's worse than us.

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Yeah, she's
our enemy now.

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Have you guys at least
tried marriage therapy?

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Oh, God, yeah.
It was a frigging disaster.

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$250 and we didn't
learn a goddamn thing.

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$250? Dude,
that's ridiculous!

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I mean, doesn't your insurance
cover that or something?

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Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up
for Obamacare on the Internet,

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but I came back
five minutes later,

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she was looking
at black cocks.

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It seems like every
time you go online,

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you're two clicks away
from black cocks.

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Look.

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See, I'll Google
"Grand Canyon."

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Here. Look, it says,
"Did you mean black cocks?"

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I don't know, man.
I got to do something

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or my marriage is
gonna collapse.

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Here you go, guys.

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We're gonna be
closing in a few,

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but I'm going to
this after-hours thing

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at my friend's apartment,
if you wanna join.

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Oh, thanks, Allison. But I
got an early day tomorrow.

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Oh, okay.

00:10:13.196 --> 00:10:16.166
Well, if you change your
mind, here's the address.

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I put my cell number
on there, too.

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Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?

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What?

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What do you mean, "What?"
After hours?

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Jesus, Johnny, she totally
wants to sleep with you.

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I'm not into it.

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John, you've been saying that
for over a year-and-a-half

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about every chick that
throws herself at you.

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You got to get back
in the game, man!

00:10:36.427 --> 00:10:37.679
No, don't start
this shit, all right?

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Look, I wasted
six years of my life

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with the wrong girl
and I got burned.

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I'm not gonna make that
same mistake again.

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Jesus, Johnny, you don't
got to marry Allison.

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You just got to bang her and
maybe pee on her a little.

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What?

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It's always good to find new
ways to surprise your lover.

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Yeah, I got
to take a leak.

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Sorry, Allison. I tried.

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It's okay. I just wish
he wasn't so goddamn cute.

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Yeah. Hey, can I get
a Jack Daniel's

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with just a splash
of Grey Goose?

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Wish I could help you,
but we're closing.

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Come on, one drink and I
promise I won't tell anybody

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that Jay Leno comes in here
for gay bathroom sex.

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Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
Get off of me!

00:11:13.840 --> 00:11:15.592
Sorry, my mistake.

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There we go.
Thanks a lot, come again.

00:11:32.192 --> 00:11:33.444
Hey.

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Hello.

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I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions
about this breakfast cereal.

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Uh, yeah, yeah.
Box of Trix.

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That's right.

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I've been led to understand that
Trix are exclusively for children.

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Is that correct?

00:11:48.833 --> 00:11:52.383
What, Uh, I... I mean, they say, uh,
"Trix are for kids" in the commercials.

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Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

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And is that
enforced by law?

00:11:57.091 --> 00:11:59.093
Uh, not to my knowledge, no.

00:11:59.636 --> 00:12:03.482
So if I purchase these Trix,
there'll be no trouble?

00:12:03.848 --> 00:12:05.976
No. No, you...
You should be fine.

00:12:06.684 --> 00:12:09.358
You do understand that I
myself am not a child?

00:12:09.646 --> 00:12:11.990
Uh, I was able to
sniff that out, yeah.

00:12:13.816 --> 00:12:16.160
Okay, I'm going to bring
these back to my apartment.

00:12:16.527 --> 00:12:18.655
Uh, yeah, yeah.
You'll... You'll be okay.

00:12:18.947 --> 00:12:21.666
And, uh,
I won't be followed?

00:12:21.991 --> 00:12:25.211
Uh, no, that's...
That's not in our budget here.

00:12:28.581 --> 00:12:29.673
Hey.

00:12:30.041 --> 00:12:32.544
I won't forget what you've
done for me here today.

00:12:32.710 --> 00:12:34.508
I would prefer that you do.

00:12:40.343 --> 00:12:41.845
Jesus Christ.

00:12:52.480 --> 00:12:54.278
You two still not talking?

00:12:54.357 --> 00:12:55.483
No.

00:12:55.566 --> 00:12:57.694
Honest to God, Joy, I don't
know how to fix this.

00:12:57.777 --> 00:12:58.778
I mean, how the hell do you take

00:12:58.861 --> 00:13:00.534
a broken marriage
and make it work again?

00:13:00.697 --> 00:13:03.997
Well, I'll tell you one way.
You have yourselves a baby.

00:13:04.158 --> 00:13:05.159
A baby?

00:13:05.243 --> 00:13:07.166
Uh-huh. Look at that.

00:13:07.245 --> 00:13:08.792
You see them two
white niggas over there?

00:13:08.871 --> 00:13:10.839
Yeah. What?

00:13:10.999 --> 00:13:12.626
Look at them.
They're so happy.

00:13:12.792 --> 00:13:15.420
Because they got that little
baby keeping them together.

00:13:15.586 --> 00:13:17.133
If they didn't have that baby,

00:13:17.213 --> 00:13:19.307
they'd just be two
sad-ass white niggas

00:13:19.382 --> 00:13:21.009
waiting for
Downtown Abbey to come on.

00:13:21.259 --> 00:13:23.808
Why, you said it twice.
Is that an actual phrase?

00:13:23.886 --> 00:13:24.978
I'm telling you, Ted,

00:13:25.054 --> 00:13:28.183
y'all better have a baby or
your marriage is over. Trust.

00:13:38.026 --> 00:13:40.028
Uh, hey.

00:13:40.778 --> 00:13:42.121
Go away, Teddy.

00:13:42.196 --> 00:13:44.369
Tami, listen, I just
wanna talk to you. Okay?

00:13:44.449 --> 00:13:45.996
Will you just listen
to me for one second?

00:13:46.075 --> 00:13:47.827
Why? So you can give me
shit about my clothes?

00:13:47.910 --> 00:13:50.914
No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?
I'm sorry.

00:13:50.997 --> 00:13:52.840
I was an asshole
and I didn't mean it.

00:13:52.999 --> 00:13:54.342
You know, whatever, Teddy.

00:13:54.417 --> 00:13:57.091
Tami, listen.
I love you.

00:13:57.712 --> 00:13:59.009
Okay? And...
And I don't want us

00:13:59.088 --> 00:14:01.216
to fight like we've been
doing the past few months.

00:14:01.299 --> 00:14:04.098
I don't know, Teddy. I mean, Somethings
got to change, you know?

00:14:04.177 --> 00:14:07.727
Because I can't do this no more.
It's too much.

00:14:07.847 --> 00:14:10.521
I know, I know, I know.
And... And that's why...

00:14:12.018 --> 00:14:13.770
I wanna have a baby.

00:14:15.355 --> 00:14:16.402
You do?

00:14:16.564 --> 00:14:17.690
Yeah.

00:14:17.774 --> 00:14:20.118
A baby? Like really?

00:14:20.276 --> 00:14:21.243
Yeah.

00:14:21.319 --> 00:14:23.572
See, I think,
if we got a kid to love,

00:14:23.654 --> 00:14:25.873
it'll teach us how to
love each other again.

00:14:26.115 --> 00:14:27.958
Oh, my God, Teddy.

00:14:28.534 --> 00:14:30.002
You better not be
messing with me.

00:14:30.078 --> 00:14:31.546
I swear to God,
not messing with you.

00:14:31.621 --> 00:14:33.214
I think you'd make
an awesome mom.

00:14:33.289 --> 00:14:34.791
Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?

00:14:34.874 --> 00:14:36.922
I would, like, kick so much
ass at mommin'!

00:14:37.126 --> 00:14:38.343
So what do you say?
We all good?

00:14:38.419 --> 00:14:39.921
Yes! Oh, I love you!

00:14:40.004 --> 00:14:41.130
I love you so much!

00:14:41.297 --> 00:14:43.140
Oh, baby, I love you, too!

00:14:43.966 --> 00:14:45.639
- Let's make a baby!
- Let's make a baby!

00:14:55.436 --> 00:14:57.154
- Okay, you ready
- Oh, shit Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:57.271 --> 00:14:58.773
- Here it comes.
- Okay, okay. I'm ready.

00:14:58.898 --> 00:15:02.152
♪ Let's all go to court ♪

00:15:03.736 --> 00:15:06.910
♪ Let's go make some law now ♪

00:15:07.073 --> 00:15:08.996
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

00:15:09.075 --> 00:15:11.203
♪ Some law now ♪

00:15:11.285 --> 00:15:12.332
I say we go to court!

00:15:12.412 --> 00:15:13.584
Yes, let's go to court!

00:15:13.663 --> 00:15:15.336
We're a bunch of
assholes who take up

00:15:15.415 --> 00:15:17.463
a whole hallway
with our conversation.

00:15:18.918 --> 00:15:21.091
♪ Hey, you lawyer guys ♪

00:15:21.170 --> 00:15:25.175
♪ You don't know me and
Johnny are watching you ♪

00:15:25.258 --> 00:15:27.511
♪ While we're high ♪

00:15:28.511 --> 00:15:30.138
That was fucking magic.

00:15:30.221 --> 00:15:32.394
That felt smooth.
That felt really smooth.

00:15:32.473 --> 00:15:33.690
So in the pocket.

00:15:34.058 --> 00:15:36.186
Hey, so, uh, listen,
I got, uh...

00:15:36.269 --> 00:15:37.942
I got some big news
to tell ya.

00:15:38.229 --> 00:15:39.355
Oh, yeah? What's that?

00:15:39.522 --> 00:15:42.867
Tami-Lynn and I are
gonna have a baby!

00:15:44.777 --> 00:15:46.529
Holy Shit! You?

00:15:46.612 --> 00:15:48.205
Yeah, yeah,
we talked about it today.

00:15:48.281 --> 00:15:49.908
Dude, that's fucking awesome!
Congratulations!

00:15:49.991 --> 00:15:50.992
Thank you!

00:15:51.075 --> 00:15:52.918
Wait, wait, wait. How... How...
How do you guys...

00:15:52.994 --> 00:15:56.715
Well, yeah, that's the thing. We... We,
uh... We got to find a sperm donor.

00:15:57.957 --> 00:15:59.880
And, um, I'm wondering,
what do you think

00:15:59.959 --> 00:16:01.802
Sam Jones would say
if I asked him?

00:16:02.044 --> 00:16:04.263
You want Flash Gordon
to father your child?

00:16:04.338 --> 00:16:05.635
Yeah, I mean,
do you think...

00:16:05.715 --> 00:16:07.388
Would that be weird?
Would he be freaked out if I...

00:16:07.467 --> 00:16:08.639
No, I think
he'd be flattered!

00:16:08.718 --> 00:16:11.437
And plus, your baby
will be a fucking superhero!

00:16:11.512 --> 00:16:13.514
Well, that was the logic
I arrived at as well.

00:16:13.598 --> 00:16:14.815
Yeah, I say do it!

00:16:14.891 --> 00:16:16.564
All right. I'll shoot
him an e-mail right now,

00:16:16.642 --> 00:16:18.019
and see if I can
stop by tonight.

00:16:18.186 --> 00:16:19.403
- You come with me?
- Sure.

00:16:19.479 --> 00:16:20.696
All right, great.

00:16:22.982 --> 00:16:23.983
Shit.

00:16:24.066 --> 00:16:26.990
I can never get a signal in your apartment.
Hey, can I use your laptop?

00:16:27.153 --> 00:16:28.996
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Okay, thanks.

00:16:33.701 --> 00:16:34.827
What the fuck?

00:16:34.994 --> 00:16:37.292
Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter?
What happened?

00:16:37.371 --> 00:16:38.418
What's going on?

00:16:38.498 --> 00:16:40.421
There's so much porn!

00:16:40.583 --> 00:16:42.381
Well, what the hell are you doing
looking at my private shit?

00:16:42.502 --> 00:16:45.301
What are you talking about, "private shit"?
Johnny, it was wide open!

00:16:45.379 --> 00:16:47.177
There are literally
thousands of files here!

00:16:47.256 --> 00:16:49.054
Well, I've been meaning
to clear some of that out.

00:16:49.258 --> 00:16:51.306
Jesus Christ. Look at
the organization here!

00:16:51.385 --> 00:16:54.104
Clockwise rim job.
Counterclockwise rim job!

00:16:54.305 --> 00:16:56.603
Yeah, well, sometimes you like
seeing the tongue go the other way!

00:16:56.724 --> 00:16:59.603
You sick bastard!
Look at this! Chicks with dicks?

00:16:59.894 --> 00:17:03.489
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I have a disease, all right? I need help!

00:17:03.648 --> 00:17:06.071
There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny!
Only guys with tits!

00:17:06.192 --> 00:17:07.489
Oh, this is such a relief!

00:17:07.568 --> 00:17:09.787
You know? I'm so glad
I'm finally caught. I wanted to be caught!

00:17:09.946 --> 00:17:12.540
Johnny, now you listen to me.
This is a wake-up call, all right?

00:17:12.740 --> 00:17:14.708
You got to get back out
there and meet somebody

00:17:14.784 --> 00:17:16.627
because you are spiraling
out of control here.

00:17:16.702 --> 00:17:19.205
All right, fine, I will. Just stop
looking at that shit, please!

00:17:19.372 --> 00:17:20.544
Johnny, I mean it. All right?

00:17:20.623 --> 00:17:22.500
The next chick you meet,
you are getting back in the game.

00:17:22.708 --> 00:17:23.834
Fine, I got it. Done.

00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:25.678
All right. Now,
let's get rid of this.

00:17:25.753 --> 00:17:27.676
What do you mean?
We'll just delete the files!

00:17:27.755 --> 00:17:29.348
No, no, no. That shit
can always be recovered.

00:17:29.423 --> 00:17:31.425
We got to smash
your laptop with a hammer.

00:17:38.015 --> 00:17:39.062
All right, there, you happy?

00:17:39.141 --> 00:17:41.644
No, the circuits could still be
reconstructed if somebody worked at it.

00:17:41.727 --> 00:17:42.979
We got to bury it
in the harbor.

00:17:57.952 --> 00:18:01.456
So, uh, basically that's it.
We need a sperm donor.

00:18:01.914 --> 00:18:02.961
So what do you say?

00:18:03.082 --> 00:18:04.709
You'd really be
helping me and Tami out.

00:18:04.959 --> 00:18:06.461
No can do, my brother.

00:18:06.752 --> 00:18:08.174
Well...
Well, why not?

00:18:08.504 --> 00:18:10.677
Oh, look, I did a lot
of blow in the '80s

00:18:12.008 --> 00:18:14.181
and my sperm count's
a little low.

00:18:14.719 --> 00:18:15.720
Oh. How low?

00:18:16.178 --> 00:18:17.350
One.

00:18:17.430 --> 00:18:18.431
One?

00:18:18.514 --> 00:18:22.360
Yeah, little fella's having his
own I Am Legend in my nut sack.

00:18:22.560 --> 00:18:24.028
Oh. Can we have that one?

00:18:24.103 --> 00:18:27.607
No! Gonna need it for protein
if I ever get lost at sea.

00:18:27.773 --> 00:18:29.867
Come on, guys. I mean,
are we done here? I gotta go.

00:18:30.192 --> 00:18:33.321
That Sister, Sister marathon
ain't gonna watch itself.

00:18:34.030 --> 00:18:36.453
Can't believe it.
That son of a bitch!

00:18:36.532 --> 00:18:37.829
That was really
selfish of him.

00:18:37.908 --> 00:18:39.285
I know. And after
I watched his

00:18:39.368 --> 00:18:41.120
piece-of-shit movie,
like, a hundred times.

00:18:41.579 --> 00:18:42.751
God damn it!

00:18:43.998 --> 00:18:44.999
- Ah!
- Oh, shit!

00:18:50.713 --> 00:18:52.886
Johnny, please,
just help me do this. Okay?

00:18:52.965 --> 00:18:54.558
He's the only guy in
the world whose sperm

00:18:54.634 --> 00:18:55.886
is even close to
Flash Gordon's.

00:18:55.968 --> 00:18:58.141
Ted, it's insane.
We could get in a lot of trouble.

00:18:58.304 --> 00:18:59.681
But not if nobody finds out.

00:18:59.764 --> 00:19:00.811
Look, look, John, John.

00:19:00.890 --> 00:19:03.234
We sneak into his house,
jerk him off in his sleep

00:19:03.309 --> 00:19:04.936
and sneak out with the sperm.
It'll be easy!

00:19:05.311 --> 00:19:07.188
And think how awesome
the baby will be.

00:19:07.772 --> 00:19:09.774
It would be a
sweet-ass fucking baby.

00:19:11.067 --> 00:19:13.616
All right, I'll help you. All right?
But we gotta have a game plan.

00:19:25.831 --> 00:19:27.299
Oh, come on.
Just calm down.

00:19:29.377 --> 00:19:30.469
Yeah, can I help you?

00:19:31.379 --> 00:19:34.679
Hey! Um, are you,
uh, Tom Brady?

00:19:35.091 --> 00:19:36.092
Yeah.

00:19:36.217 --> 00:19:37.343
Um, hey. Um...

00:19:37.593 --> 00:19:38.560
Your neighbors called,

00:19:38.636 --> 00:19:40.138
and your air conditioner's
making a loud noise

00:19:40.221 --> 00:19:41.848
so I'm supposed to
check out the unit.

00:19:41.931 --> 00:19:43.353
Uh, okay.
Yeah, it's around back.

00:19:43.432 --> 00:19:45.810
Okay. Um, I just may need
a signature in case

00:19:45.893 --> 00:19:47.486
I got to get some parts,
for the billing.

00:19:48.145 --> 00:19:51.615
You could just, uh, write that
to John and Ted. Put number 12.

00:19:52.233 --> 00:19:55.032
And you're not a cheater. I mean,
I think your balls are perfect.

00:19:55.111 --> 00:19:56.954
- It's around back.
- All right. Yeah.

00:20:20.386 --> 00:20:22.138
Stupid idiot.

00:20:28.811 --> 00:20:30.188
TED: Okay. Go, go, go!

00:20:46.662 --> 00:20:48.585
Take the damn raincoat off.
It's making too much noise.

00:20:48.664 --> 00:20:50.837
Piss off! I don't wanna get
any jizz on me!

00:21:01.969 --> 00:21:05.064
Two League MVPs,
four Super Bowl rings,

00:21:05.306 --> 00:21:07.900
guaranteed first
ballot Hall of Famer.

00:21:08.017 --> 00:21:10.736
Now let's give him a handjob
into this red Solo cup.

00:21:10.853 --> 00:21:12.321
All right. Go ahead.

00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:14.278
Wait, what do you mean,
"Go ahead"? You got to do it.

00:21:15.191 --> 00:21:17.114
What are you talking about?
You're the one who needs the sperm.

00:21:17.193 --> 00:21:18.570
Yeah, but it's got
to be a human hand.

00:21:18.652 --> 00:21:20.450
It's got to be skin on skin,
otherwise it doesn't work.

00:21:20.613 --> 00:21:21.910
No, it doesn't.
It's just friction.

00:21:22.031 --> 00:21:23.783
- Look, I've never done this before.
- Well, Neither have I.

00:21:23.866 --> 00:21:25.709
- You do it to yourself.
- Yeah, but that's different.

00:21:25.826 --> 00:21:28.420
You're an adult with a poster
of this guy in your fucking room.

00:21:28.496 --> 00:21:29.622
You're telling me
you don't want this?

00:21:30.331 --> 00:21:32.800
Yeah, I want it! You know I want it,
but I'm nervous.

00:21:32.875 --> 00:21:35.003
What if he doesn't like the way
I'm doing it? He deserves the best!

00:21:35.085 --> 00:21:36.211
Pull yourself together,
for God's sakes.

00:21:36.295 --> 00:21:37.547
He's gonna love it.
Go, go, go!

00:21:38.631 --> 00:21:39.883
All right.

00:21:43.552 --> 00:21:45.600
Sweet God and baby Jesus.

00:21:46.764 --> 00:21:48.732
And that's at rest.

00:21:49.600 --> 00:21:50.726
What the hell?

00:21:50.810 --> 00:21:52.232
Mr. Brady, we just need
a moment of your time.

00:21:52.311 --> 00:21:53.733
What are you doing here?
Who are you?

00:21:53.813 --> 00:21:54.814
Get out of my house!

00:21:56.732 --> 00:21:57.824
- Oh, God!
- Ahhh!

00:21:59.527 --> 00:22:00.574
Wait, Mr. Brady!

00:22:00.653 --> 00:22:02.496
Take your goddamn
teddy bear with you!

00:22:04.240 --> 00:22:06.493
Holy shit!
Perfect spiral!

00:22:06.575 --> 00:22:08.043
Come on,
let's get out of here!

00:22:17.044 --> 00:22:18.091
Shit!

00:22:18.254 --> 00:22:19.597
What the hell do we do now?

00:22:21.715 --> 00:22:23.058
Hey, Ted, let me
ask you something.

00:22:23.217 --> 00:22:24.434
What's that?

00:22:24.927 --> 00:22:26.304
Why didn't you
just come to me?

00:22:26.887 --> 00:22:28.059
What are you talking about?

00:22:28.138 --> 00:22:29.481
For the sperm.

00:22:29.807 --> 00:22:34.563
Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man?
You were the first person I wanted to go to.

00:22:35.020 --> 00:22:36.693
But you've just
been so bummed out

00:22:36.772 --> 00:22:37.898
over your divorce lately

00:22:38.023 --> 00:22:41.527
that I just... You know, I didn't want
to put you in an awkward position.

00:22:41.777 --> 00:22:43.199
And plus,
after seeing your laptop,

00:22:43.279 --> 00:22:44.781
I didn't think
you had any left.

00:22:45.114 --> 00:22:47.617
Just so you know, I'm
totally willing to do it.

00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:51.500
Really? You'd...
You'd do that for me?

00:22:51.745 --> 00:22:54.043
Ted, you're my best friend.
I'd do anything for you.

00:22:54.790 --> 00:22:58.294
Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's
house and tried to jerk him off...

00:22:58.377 --> 00:23:00.004
You're ready to be a parent.

00:23:00.504 --> 00:23:02.222
God...

00:23:02.298 --> 00:23:04.096
I don't know what to say.

00:23:04.300 --> 00:23:07.429
God. Johnny, thank you!
Thank you so much!

00:23:07.636 --> 00:23:10.389
Hey, thunder buddies
for life, remember?

00:23:10.764 --> 00:23:12.607
Thunder buddies for life.

00:23:12.766 --> 00:23:15.485
Come on. We got to get out of
here before the cops show up.

00:23:15.561 --> 00:23:19.611
All units, we have a 3-17
on Maple Drive. Area units, please respond.

00:23:19.773 --> 00:23:21.275
What's a 3-17?

00:23:21.442 --> 00:23:24.321
Someone's trying to steal
Tom Brady's jizz again.

00:23:37.499 --> 00:23:39.001
- What is that?
- What?

00:23:39.084 --> 00:23:40.677
- What are you doing?
- I'm getting ready, dude.

00:23:40.753 --> 00:23:41.754
What do you mean
you're getting ready?

00:23:41.837 --> 00:23:43.089
What are you doing
to your hand?

00:23:43.172 --> 00:23:45.766
I'm doing this for you. I'm getting ready.
I got to go in and perform.

00:23:45.841 --> 00:23:47.434
You got your hand on your dick.
What are you doing?

00:23:47.509 --> 00:23:48.761
I'm trying
to get it half hard,

00:23:48.844 --> 00:23:50.346
so when I get in there
I could just bust it out.

00:23:50.429 --> 00:23:52.227
Sitting out here in public,
jerking off'?

00:23:52.306 --> 00:23:54.058
Where do you think you are? Red Lobster?
What are you doing?

00:23:54.141 --> 00:23:55.438
What do you think
I got to do in there?

00:23:55.517 --> 00:23:56.894
Forget it.
Now, look, you haven't

00:23:56.977 --> 00:23:58.729
smoked pot for two
whole days, right?

00:23:58.812 --> 00:24:01.406
Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right?
Your baby's gonna be fine.

00:24:01.523 --> 00:24:03.366
I'm sorry, I just
don't want something

00:24:03.442 --> 00:24:05.865
I got to feed with
a pitchfork when he's 16.

00:24:06.153 --> 00:24:07.370
"John Bennett."?

00:24:07.446 --> 00:24:08.447
Hi.

00:24:08.530 --> 00:24:11.204
Right this way. I'll show you
where to deposit your specimen.

00:24:11.825 --> 00:24:13.543
Hey, Johnny. Johnny.

00:24:23.462 --> 00:24:24.964
I'm John Bennett.

00:24:25.214 --> 00:24:27.137
I know,
I just said your name.

00:24:27.216 --> 00:24:29.810
Oh, right, yeah, sorry,
I'm just a little nervous.

00:24:29.885 --> 00:24:32.013
I've been out of
the game for a while.

00:24:32.221 --> 00:24:33.268
The game?

00:24:33.347 --> 00:24:37.443
I don't talk to pretty girls that often.
Pretty women, ladies.

00:24:38.060 --> 00:24:39.186
I See.

00:24:40.062 --> 00:24:41.735
Hey, when I'm done here,
how about a drink?

00:24:43.065 --> 00:24:46.410
Oh. I don't mean this.
I meant, like, a regular drink.

00:24:46.568 --> 00:24:48.070
I have a boyfriend.

00:24:48.779 --> 00:24:52.329
Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah. Too bad.
You're missing out on a great guy.

00:24:52.449 --> 00:24:55.498
Um, do I just spit in
my hand or do I get

00:24:55.577 --> 00:24:57.705
a lube or something?
A magazine?

00:24:57.955 --> 00:24:59.628
Video? I like Asian
teen stuff preferably.

00:24:59.707 --> 00:25:00.674
There's lube
right there.

00:25:00.749 --> 00:25:02.501
All right,
yeah, thanks.

00:25:07.798 --> 00:25:10.677
Uh, excuse me. Where's your
non-jerk-off bathroom?

00:25:10.759 --> 00:25:12.136
Down that hallway,
to the left.

00:25:12.261 --> 00:25:13.638
Okay, thanks.

00:25:20.060 --> 00:25:21.528
Oh. No way!

00:25:22.730 --> 00:25:26.200
Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you
guys store all the, uh, stuff?

00:25:27.067 --> 00:25:30.037
It's the intermediary station
before insemination.

00:25:30.112 --> 00:25:31.238
Are you submitting?

00:25:31.321 --> 00:25:34.541
No. My friend is, uh, yanking out
a sample in one of the rooms.

00:25:35.242 --> 00:25:36.414
- Oh, well, that's a good friend.
- Yeah.

00:25:36.493 --> 00:25:37.540
I'm Dr. Danzer.

00:25:37.619 --> 00:25:38.711
Oh, cool.

00:25:38.787 --> 00:25:42.508
♪ Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer ♪

00:25:42.583 --> 00:25:43.675
Yeah, whatever,
I don't know.

00:25:43.751 --> 00:25:47.551
Now, wait. You look familiar.
Are you that teddy bear who came alive?

00:25:47.713 --> 00:25:49.056
I am. That's me, yeah.

00:25:49.131 --> 00:25:50.178
See, I was trying
to figure out

00:25:50.257 --> 00:25:51.554
where I'd seen you
before and that's it.

00:25:51.633 --> 00:25:52.725
Good eye, good eye.

00:25:52.801 --> 00:25:56.226
So, how did you get into this line of work?
Do you just love cum?

00:25:56.722 --> 00:25:57.723
Uh, uh...

00:25:57.806 --> 00:25:59.934
Not especially, but I love
helping good people

00:26:00.017 --> 00:26:01.815
fulfill their dreams
of having children.

00:26:01.894 --> 00:26:04.022
It's amazing
what we can do here.

00:26:04.480 --> 00:26:06.153
You want to have a look?

00:26:06.315 --> 00:26:07.783
Yeah, sure.

00:26:09.526 --> 00:26:13.326
This is where we perform our
pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.

00:26:13.405 --> 00:26:15.373
We can eliminate
hereditary diseases,

00:26:15.449 --> 00:26:18.623
such as cystic fibrosis, muscular
dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia.

00:26:18.744 --> 00:26:20.417
The list goes on
and on, really.

00:26:20.496 --> 00:26:21.543
Wow.

00:26:22.081 --> 00:26:23.754
Hey, Johnny! You did it!

00:26:23.832 --> 00:26:24.833
Right here, buddy.

00:26:24.958 --> 00:26:26.676
Ew. I mean, awesome!

00:26:27.211 --> 00:26:29.054
Excuse me, Doctor,
your wife's on the phone.

00:26:29.129 --> 00:26:30.426
She said it's an emergency.

00:26:30.839 --> 00:26:32.557
Excuse me, I'll be right back.

00:26:34.301 --> 00:26:36.520
You wanna see it? Huh?
You wanna see your kid?

00:26:36.678 --> 00:26:37.975
I can see it from here,
thanks, yeah.

00:26:38.055 --> 00:26:39.432
Dude, take a closer look.
It's your kid.

00:26:39.515 --> 00:26:40.516
No, no, no!
Come on!

00:26:40.599 --> 00:26:42.442
- You got to take a closer look.
- That's close enough, Johnny!

00:26:42.518 --> 00:26:44.361
- He's beautiful. Come on!
- I'll trade you. Catch.

00:26:44.436 --> 00:26:46.154
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, God!

00:26:46.313 --> 00:26:47.986
Fuck! Dude,
that's somebody's kid!

00:26:48.148 --> 00:26:50.446
Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod!
You were supposed to catch it!

00:26:50.526 --> 00:26:51.573
We got to find something
to scoop it up.

00:26:51.652 --> 00:26:53.245
There's containers over there.
Scoop it up with that.

00:26:53.320 --> 00:26:54.663
Shit. All right.

00:26:55.072 --> 00:26:56.119
No, no,
that's not gonna work.

00:26:56.198 --> 00:26:57.871
You need two of them.
You got to scoop one into the other.

00:26:58.367 --> 00:26:59.960
Oh, shit! Fuck!

00:27:01.203 --> 00:27:02.500
- Oh!
- Oh, fuck!

00:27:02.579 --> 00:27:03.580
Oh, my God!

00:27:03.664 --> 00:27:04.665
- Fuck! Fuck!
- Oh!

00:27:04.832 --> 00:27:06.926
- Oh, my God! It's in my eyes!
- Oh, Jesus!

00:27:07.042 --> 00:27:08.043
I'm blinking it in!

00:27:08.127 --> 00:27:09.379
You got to fucking help me!

00:27:09.461 --> 00:27:11.088
Oh, my God!
It's in my fucking mouth!

00:27:11.171 --> 00:27:12.844
All right. Hang on.
I gotta post this on Facebook.

00:27:12.923 --> 00:27:14.095
No!

00:27:14.466 --> 00:27:16.889
Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."

00:27:17.052 --> 00:27:18.929
Oh, my God!

00:27:19.054 --> 00:27:20.977
- Look, I'm so sorry!
- We swear to God, it was an accident.

00:27:21.056 --> 00:27:22.182
We're so sorry.

00:27:22.516 --> 00:27:26.020
Well, I guess it's all right.
Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples.

00:27:26.186 --> 00:27:27.563
Ah, you hear that, Johnny?

00:27:27.688 --> 00:27:29.611
You're covered in
rejected black-guy sperm.

00:27:29.690 --> 00:27:30.987
You look like a Kardashian.

00:27:31.191 --> 00:27:32.408
Fuck!

00:27:44.746 --> 00:27:46.874
No, make sure you
have all the updated

00:27:46.957 --> 00:27:48.630
information on our
Comic Con placement.

00:27:48.709 --> 00:27:52.009
This has to be the biggest,
most impressive rollout at the convention.

00:27:52.087 --> 00:27:53.213
Morning, Mr. Jessup.

00:27:53.922 --> 00:27:55.424
Good morning. Now...

00:27:55.507 --> 00:27:57.009
My name's Donny.

00:27:57.134 --> 00:27:59.387
Hi, Donny.

00:27:59.469 --> 00:28:01.187
Now this is
a multi-platform release,

00:28:01.263 --> 00:28:02.480
so I want a full
report on all...

00:28:02.556 --> 00:28:03.773
Fresh cakes.

00:28:05.809 --> 00:28:06.856
What?

00:28:06.935 --> 00:28:08.357
In the urinals, sir.

00:28:08.937 --> 00:28:10.939
I noticed you always
use urinal four,

00:28:11.023 --> 00:28:12.775
so I put fresh cakes
in there for you.

00:28:12.900 --> 00:28:15.904
You're an important man.
You should never have to smell pee.

00:28:16.612 --> 00:28:19.456
See, most people
flip the cakes.

00:28:20.032 --> 00:28:21.705
I replace the cakes.

00:28:22.618 --> 00:28:24.746
That's the Donny difference.

00:28:26.914 --> 00:28:29.758
I need a full report on all the
placement of our merchandise.

00:28:29.833 --> 00:28:32.052
Contact Bob Jennings
at Javits...

00:28:34.087 --> 00:28:35.634
I'm afraid I have bad news.

00:28:36.006 --> 00:28:38.759
I won't be able to perform
the implantation procedure.

00:28:38.926 --> 00:28:40.644
- Wait, what?
- Why not?

00:28:40.802 --> 00:28:44.807
Tami-Lynn, according to your
test results, you're no longer fertile.

00:28:44.973 --> 00:28:45.974
What?

00:28:46.058 --> 00:28:47.981
Wait, Wait, Doc, Doc,
are you sure about that?

00:28:48.143 --> 00:28:50.237
I mean, maybe you should check
again or something, you know?

00:28:50.437 --> 00:28:51.654
I'm quite sure.

00:28:51.813 --> 00:28:54.862
Tami-Lynn, because of your
history of excessive drug use

00:28:55.525 --> 00:28:58.904
your ovarian canal
has been somewhat compromised.

00:28:59.071 --> 00:29:00.422
What are you talking about?
It looks fine.

00:29:00.423 --> 00:29:04.367
- Yeah.
- Forgive me, that's a normal ovary.

00:29:04.368 --> 00:29:05.915
This is Tami-Lynn's.

00:29:06.078 --> 00:29:07.250
Jesus!

00:29:07.371 --> 00:29:09.624
Yeah, but I bet this
stuff happens a lot.

00:29:09.706 --> 00:29:11.834
I mean, you probably see this
kind of stuff all the time, right?

00:29:12.125 --> 00:29:14.378
No, not once, not ever.

00:29:14.544 --> 00:29:17.764
When I saw this, I threw up.
Almost quit medicine.

00:29:18.006 --> 00:29:20.759
Bottom line is,
insemination is not possible.

00:29:21.301 --> 00:29:24.430
I don't understand, okay?
None of this makes any sense.

00:29:24.513 --> 00:29:26.481
It's okay. It's okay, honey.
Come on, let's just go.

00:29:26.556 --> 00:29:27.978
No, what does
this mean, Teddy?

00:29:28.058 --> 00:29:29.275
Does it mean we
can't have a baby?

00:29:29.351 --> 00:29:30.853
I don't know.
But it's gonna be okay.

00:29:30.936 --> 00:29:32.438
Everything's gonna be okay.

00:29:32.604 --> 00:29:33.856
It really isn't.

00:29:46.326 --> 00:29:48.579
Well, I have gone
through your application

00:29:48.662 --> 00:29:50.881
and vetted your
personal histories,

00:29:52.040 --> 00:29:53.963
and I'm afraid this
isn't gonna work out.

00:29:55.043 --> 00:29:56.135
What?

00:29:56.295 --> 00:29:57.387
Why not?

00:29:57.462 --> 00:29:59.009
Well, first of all,
there's the question

00:29:59.089 --> 00:30:00.762
of Tami-Lynn's
drug conviction.

00:30:00.924 --> 00:30:02.676
Hey, I did
my community service.

00:30:02.759 --> 00:30:05.387
Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.
She's clean.

00:30:06.179 --> 00:30:07.431
There's another issue,

00:30:07.514 --> 00:30:10.563
and,honestly, it's the
more serious one.

00:30:10.642 --> 00:30:12.895
I was reluctant to
bring it up because

00:30:14.187 --> 00:30:15.689
it's a little awkward.

00:30:16.481 --> 00:30:20.531
Ted, in the eyes of the
state, you are not a person.

00:30:21.737 --> 00:30:23.330
Wait, what?

00:30:24.406 --> 00:30:26.625
The state official
I spoke to said

00:30:26.700 --> 00:30:29.829
that technically, you are
classified as property.

00:30:31.997 --> 00:30:34.420
I'm not a person?

00:30:34.833 --> 00:30:37.677
Not according to
the government. I'm sorry.

00:30:37.753 --> 00:30:39.471
But that is so fucked up!

00:30:40.213 --> 00:30:41.510
"Property"?

00:30:41.590 --> 00:30:43.592
You know what, Teddy?
Let's get out of here.

00:30:43.842 --> 00:30:44.843
Come on.

00:30:46.470 --> 00:30:47.596
Look.

00:30:47.763 --> 00:30:49.561
You seem like good people.

00:30:49.723 --> 00:30:50.975
Be careful.

00:30:51.141 --> 00:30:53.143
What do you mean, "Be careful"?

00:30:53.226 --> 00:30:55.194
The state official I spoke to

00:30:55.270 --> 00:30:58.900
made it sound like your status had
gone under the radar for some time.

00:30:59.441 --> 00:31:02.115
Your adoption request may
have raised some red flags.

00:31:02.694 --> 00:31:05.447
If they choose to
investigate the issue,

00:31:05.614 --> 00:31:08.163
it may leave you
quite vulnerable.

00:31:21.296 --> 00:31:23.765
Hey. I just got off work
and heard your message.

00:31:23.840 --> 00:31:25.467
Is that for real? Did they
actually tell you that?

00:31:25.550 --> 00:31:27.268
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
"Property."

00:31:27.469 --> 00:31:29.062
They said I'm property.

00:31:29.304 --> 00:31:31.227
What does that even mean?
Like, you're a thing?

00:31:31.306 --> 00:31:33.149
What, like garbage
or a piece of shit?

00:31:33.600 --> 00:31:37.070
I mean, maybe more like a
hammer or an orange, but yeah.

00:31:37.145 --> 00:31:38.362
What the hell
do they know?

00:31:38.438 --> 00:31:39.485
It's just a word.

00:31:39.564 --> 00:31:41.942
They can't change your whole life
just by calling you property!

00:31:42.025 --> 00:31:44.949
Bullshit!
You better ask my ancestors.

00:31:45.153 --> 00:31:47.497
One minute, you in Africa,
washing your clothes

00:31:47.572 --> 00:31:49.495
in the river,
titties out. You good.

00:31:49.658 --> 00:31:51.376
Then all of a sudden,
you somewhere

00:31:51.451 --> 00:31:53.374
across the world,
fucking Thomas Jefferson.

00:31:53.495 --> 00:31:55.839
Wow! You make
history come alive.

00:31:56.039 --> 00:31:57.916
Why the hell is this
just coming up now?

00:31:58.166 --> 00:32:00.168
I mean, I've never voted.

00:32:00.335 --> 00:32:02.929
I don't have a driver's license,
I don't pay taxes.

00:32:03.004 --> 00:32:05.052
I mean, hell, this is
the first job I ever had.

00:32:06.550 --> 00:32:09.019
Ted, can I see you
for a moment?

00:32:10.554 --> 00:32:11.680
I'm sorry,

00:32:11.763 --> 00:32:13.310
but I'm gonna have
to let you go.

00:32:13.515 --> 00:32:17.190
What? Why? I've been busting my
ass at this job for three years!

00:32:17.436 --> 00:32:19.689
I just got a call from
the Labor Department.

00:32:20.689 --> 00:32:22.657
I can't legally keep
you on as an employee

00:32:22.732 --> 00:32:24.951
because I've been informed
that you're technically...

00:32:25.026 --> 00:32:28.246
Technically not a person.
Yeah. Jesus Christ!

00:32:28.780 --> 00:32:32.580
I'm sorry. But as of today,
you're fired.

00:32:35.996 --> 00:32:38.044
"Dear Ted, your Chase bank account

00:32:38.123 --> 00:32:40.251
"has been terminated due to
a lack of citizenship."

00:32:40.667 --> 00:32:43.216
"Dear Ted, your Discover card
has been revoked."

00:32:43.295 --> 00:32:46.219
"Dear Ted, you are no longer
a Papa Gino's rewards member."

00:32:46.423 --> 00:32:47.720
Fuck, that's a big one.

00:32:47.883 --> 00:32:49.851
This poor baby bootie.

00:32:50.385 --> 00:32:54.390
It's always gonna be empty. There's
never gonna be a little foot in here.

00:32:54.556 --> 00:32:57.810
I don't understand. We would
have made such great parents.

00:32:58.977 --> 00:33:00.194
Oh, my God.

00:33:00.562 --> 00:33:01.984
Oh, my God, Teddy!

00:33:02.063 --> 00:33:03.030
What? What's wrong?

00:33:03.106 --> 00:33:04.403
Look at this.

00:33:04.566 --> 00:33:05.783
"Dear Ted,

00:33:06.067 --> 00:33:08.741
"the state of Massachusetts
regrets to inform you

00:33:08.820 --> 00:33:11.869
"that due to an oversight
regarding your legal status

00:33:12.407 --> 00:33:16.958
"your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty
is unrecognized by the state

00:33:17.037 --> 00:33:19.961
"and, therefore, invalid
and hereby annulled."

00:33:20.332 --> 00:33:22.130
Teddy, can they do this to us?

00:33:22.209 --> 00:33:23.256
Let me see that.

00:33:27.088 --> 00:33:28.761
This is a nightmare.

00:33:31.927 --> 00:33:33.270
You fucking
believe that?

00:33:33.428 --> 00:33:35.430
No. This is insane.

00:33:35.597 --> 00:33:37.395
I mean, Tami's
the woman I love.

00:33:37.599 --> 00:33:39.727
You know, I never would even
have tried to adopt a dog

00:33:39.809 --> 00:33:42.028
if I had known it was gonna cause
me this kind of shit storm.

00:33:42.103 --> 00:33:43.855
This whole thing is
complete bullshit.

00:33:43.980 --> 00:33:45.982
I mean, if you ask me,
we got to fight it.

00:33:46.525 --> 00:33:48.493
- What do you mean?
- I mean, we get a lawyer.

00:33:49.069 --> 00:33:50.366
Oh, my God. Can we do that?

00:33:50.487 --> 00:33:51.830
Hell yeah!
You know what we do?

00:33:51.905 --> 00:33:53.122
We'll get a lawyer
and we'll sue

00:33:53.198 --> 00:33:54.791
the fucking government
for your civil rights!

00:33:54.908 --> 00:33:56.751
Johnny, that's a great idea!

00:33:56.910 --> 00:33:59.038
Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of
them Harrison Ford lawyers

00:33:59.120 --> 00:34:01.543
who gets shot in the head, then turns
all retarded and nice and goes,

00:34:01.623 --> 00:34:02.715
"What we're doing is wrong."

00:34:02.791 --> 00:34:04.919
Yes. You know what, we get out there
and we stick it to them good.

00:34:05.001 --> 00:34:07.049
We take that shit all the way
up to Judge Judy if we have to.

00:34:07.128 --> 00:34:08.175
Yeah.

00:34:08.255 --> 00:34:10.804
But we don't know any lawyers.
All our friends make sandwiches.

00:34:11.007 --> 00:34:13.305
Ah. Oh, we just Google
"Boston lawyers."

00:34:14.761 --> 00:34:16.934
Jesus. Look at
that black cock.

00:34:37.075 --> 00:34:38.167
Uh...

00:34:38.702 --> 00:34:41.797
This is a very complicated
case you have here.

00:34:41.871 --> 00:34:46.422
Most civil rights cases are, but this
one has some very obvious wrinkles.

00:34:46.710 --> 00:34:48.712
Well, everybody says
you're the best in town.

00:34:48.878 --> 00:34:52.508
Listen, your case is
not gonna be cheap.

00:34:52.674 --> 00:34:54.676
What is your
financial situation?

00:34:54.968 --> 00:34:57.938
Uh, all of our holdings are
tied up in the railroads.

00:34:58.013 --> 00:35:00.436
Yeah, Reading Railroad, B&O
Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.

00:35:00.515 --> 00:35:03.644
We're working on Short Line. Urn, I own
Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.

00:35:03.727 --> 00:35:05.229
And I own four houses
on Baltic Ave.

00:35:05.312 --> 00:35:07.314
I was thinking about just tearing
them down and building a hotel.

00:35:07.397 --> 00:35:10.116
I won second prize in a beauty contest.
That's $50 right there.

00:35:10.191 --> 00:35:12.114
Are you guys just
saying Monopoly stuff?

00:35:12.402 --> 00:35:13.779
Tell you what, I'm gonna
go drive around the block,

00:35:13.862 --> 00:35:15.239
and I'll be back
with $200.

00:35:15.363 --> 00:35:17.365
I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

00:35:17.532 --> 00:35:19.626
My niece recently
passed her bar exam

00:35:19.701 --> 00:35:22.830
and I've hired her on as a junior
associate here at the firm.

00:35:22.954 --> 00:35:25.298
I could assign her to
your case, pro Bono.

00:35:25.415 --> 00:35:27.213
And then you would get
a hungry, young attorney

00:35:27.292 --> 00:35:30.546
and I would get a more
experienced lawyer in return.

00:35:30.837 --> 00:35:32.089
So what do you say to that?

00:35:32.339 --> 00:35:34.387
Yeah, sure,
sounds great.

00:35:34.883 --> 00:35:37.181
Um, are those hard candies,
like, just to take?

00:35:38.094 --> 00:35:39.971
Uh, those aren't
supposed to be out.

00:35:50.732 --> 00:35:51.733
Hello?

00:35:51.900 --> 00:35:53.994
Oh! Fuck!

00:35:54.736 --> 00:35:55.737
Hi.

00:35:55.820 --> 00:35:56.821
You okay?

00:35:56.905 --> 00:35:58.498
Yeah! I'm fine.

00:35:58.573 --> 00:35:59.825
You must be Ted.

00:35:59.908 --> 00:36:01.831
Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted,

00:36:01.910 --> 00:36:03.332
- this is my buddy, John.
- Hi.

00:36:03.411 --> 00:36:06.915
Um, my uncle says that you
guys are my first clients.

00:36:07.248 --> 00:36:10.218
Uh, it's been discussed,

00:36:10.710 --> 00:36:12.383
but do you mind if
I ask how old you are?

00:36:12.545 --> 00:36:14.047
I'm 26.

00:36:14.255 --> 00:36:15.256
Ah.

00:36:15.507 --> 00:36:16.975
What, is there a problem?

00:36:17.050 --> 00:36:19.018
Well, you know, I just don't
want my lawyer singing

00:36:19.094 --> 00:36:20.846
Frozen songs during
the opening arguments.

00:36:20.929 --> 00:36:22.681
It's just this is
a really important case.

00:36:22.764 --> 00:36:25.142
Ted has already lost his job,
his marriage has been annulled.

00:36:25.225 --> 00:36:27.478
I know. My uncle
gave me all the details.

00:36:27.644 --> 00:36:29.772
Right. You see, the thing is, we
don't want to take any chances

00:36:29.854 --> 00:36:31.822
because the stakes
are so significant.

00:36:31.940 --> 00:36:33.112
We can't just
rush into anything.

00:36:33.191 --> 00:36:34.613
We got to make sure we're
making the right decision.

00:36:34.693 --> 00:36:36.036
We really appreciate your time,

00:36:36.111 --> 00:36:37.328
but I think what
we're probably gonna do is

00:36:37.404 --> 00:36:38.951
just take a seat
and get to work.

00:36:39.030 --> 00:36:40.031
Trust you completely.

00:36:40.115 --> 00:36:41.492
Yeah, we really feel like
you got a lot to offer.

00:36:43.910 --> 00:36:44.911
Sorry.

00:36:44.994 --> 00:36:46.120
You don't mind the pot, do you?

00:36:46.287 --> 00:36:47.334
I get migraines.

00:36:47.414 --> 00:36:48.882
- Oh, absolutely, me, too.
- That's fine. Yeah.

00:36:48.957 --> 00:36:51.585
I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the
parking lot in about 20 minutes.

00:36:51.751 --> 00:36:53.503
Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.

00:36:53.670 --> 00:36:55.172
Ted. How are ya?

00:36:55.338 --> 00:36:57.056
- Good to meet you. John.
- Nice to meet you.

00:36:57.132 --> 00:36:58.679
Wait, wait, wait.
What's your middle name?

00:36:59.259 --> 00:37:00.260
Leslie.

00:37:00.510 --> 00:37:03.559
Oh, my God! So you're Sam L. Jackson!

00:37:03.638 --> 00:37:05.515
That's fucking great!
Just like Sam L. Jackson!

00:37:05.640 --> 00:37:06.687
Who is that?

00:37:06.808 --> 00:37:09.812
You ever seen any movie ever?
He's the black guy.

00:37:12.647 --> 00:37:14.115
That weed is really good.

00:37:14.190 --> 00:37:15.567
It reminds me of
the strain I smoked

00:37:15.650 --> 00:37:17.243
last summer called
"Here Comes Autism."

00:37:17.485 --> 00:37:19.908
Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort
of like this other batch we had called

00:37:19.988 --> 00:37:21.615
"How Long Has
That Van Been There?"

00:37:21.948 --> 00:37:25.202
No, it's this new strain my dealer
gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

00:37:25.326 --> 00:37:27.454
You know, I'm surprised a
lawyer like you gets high.

00:37:27.537 --> 00:37:28.914
I mean, aren't you
supposed to be fighting

00:37:28.997 --> 00:37:30.465
the War on Drugs
and all that shit?

00:37:30.707 --> 00:37:32.675
Please, the War on Drugs
is a joke.

00:37:32.792 --> 00:37:34.089
It's just a way
for the government

00:37:34.169 --> 00:37:35.591
to inflate law
enforcement budgets

00:37:35.670 --> 00:37:38.298
and lock up minorities
for no good legal reason.

00:37:38.381 --> 00:37:40.975
And you, my friend,
are an oppressed minority.

00:37:41.134 --> 00:37:42.727
Yeah. No shit.

00:37:42.802 --> 00:37:45.021
They've denied you the same
rights as everybody else

00:37:45.096 --> 00:37:46.393
just because
you're different,

00:37:46.473 --> 00:37:49.101
and I say that's a violation
of the Constitution.

00:37:49.559 --> 00:37:51.687
So what do you say?
Can you get me my life back?

00:37:55.398 --> 00:37:56.820
I'm gonna try.

00:37:57.150 --> 00:37:58.618
Hey, guys?

00:37:58.693 --> 00:38:00.787
I'm having some trouble over here.

00:38:01.070 --> 00:38:02.071
What's the matter?

00:38:03.490 --> 00:38:04.912
Can you help me get home?

00:38:05.825 --> 00:38:07.953
I'm having a really
hard time here, guys.

00:38:08.036 --> 00:38:09.663
Johnny, it's okay,
buddy. It's okay.

00:38:09.746 --> 00:38:10.918
You're doing fine.
You're doing great.

00:38:10.997 --> 00:38:11.964
No, I'm scared. All right.

00:38:12.040 --> 00:38:13.917
I know. Come on,
it's okay, though.

00:38:14.000 --> 00:38:15.547
You just have to
hang onto the wall.

00:38:16.961 --> 00:38:18.383
Don't let the goose get me!

00:38:18.880 --> 00:38:20.223
How far away
does he live?

00:38:20.715 --> 00:38:21.887
Uh, about a mile-and-a-half.

00:38:22.091 --> 00:38:23.138
Fuck, okay.

00:38:23.218 --> 00:38:26.097
Hey, it's okay. One foot
in front of the other.

00:38:35.730 --> 00:38:39.109
All right, I got Dred Scott vs. Sandford,
Plessy vs. Ferguson

00:38:39.192 --> 00:38:40.990
and Brown vs. the Board of Education.

00:38:41.069 --> 00:38:45.415
I got Kramer vs. Kramer,
Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.

00:38:45.490 --> 00:38:48.790
I got, uh, Ernest Goes to
Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail

00:38:48.868 --> 00:38:52.122
and The Importance of Being Earnest,
which was very disappointing.

00:39:13.685 --> 00:39:15.528
Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few
test questions. Are you ready?

00:39:15.603 --> 00:39:16.695
Yep, bring it on.

00:39:16.771 --> 00:39:18.398
You're on the stand,
the DA says,

00:39:18.481 --> 00:39:20.654
"Ted, do you consider yourself
to be human?"

00:39:20.733 --> 00:39:21.859
- Objection!
- Sustained!

00:39:21.943 --> 00:39:22.944
No, the witness can't object.

00:39:23.027 --> 00:39:24.028
- Overruled!
- Sidebar?

00:39:24.112 --> 00:39:25.079
- Guilty!
- Speculation!

00:39:25.154 --> 00:39:26.656
- Hearsay! Briefcase!
- Bailiff! Disregard!

00:39:26.739 --> 00:39:28.241
- In my chambers!
- Stop beavering the witness!

00:39:28.366 --> 00:39:29.663
- I rest.
- We could totally be lawyers.

00:39:29.742 --> 00:39:30.743
Bang.

00:40:55.870 --> 00:40:58.464
Oh, my God! I'm gonna
fall off the building.

00:41:04.045 --> 00:41:06.218
Your name is Toby!

00:41:06.297 --> 00:41:08.220
You're going to learn
to say your name.

00:41:08.299 --> 00:41:09.926
Let me hear you say it.

00:41:10.760 --> 00:41:12.057
What's your name?

00:41:13.346 --> 00:41:15.895
Kunta. Kunta Kinte.

00:41:16.349 --> 00:41:19.569
That's just like me.
That's exactly what I'm going through.

00:41:19.644 --> 00:41:21.066
Well, it's a little different.

00:41:21.396 --> 00:41:25.117
You know, Ted, if you legally become a
person, you're gonna need a last name.

00:41:25.566 --> 00:41:28.570
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, okay, I got one.

00:41:28.736 --> 00:41:29.737
Okay, what is it?

00:41:30.071 --> 00:41:31.573
Clubber Lang.

00:41:31.906 --> 00:41:33.328
Who is Clubber Lang?

00:41:33.408 --> 00:41:34.534
Who's Clubber Lang?

00:41:34.617 --> 00:41:36.619
Mr. T's character
in Rocky III. Hello?

00:41:37.078 --> 00:41:38.671
Is that the boxing movies?

00:41:38.913 --> 00:41:39.880
The boxing...

00:41:39.956 --> 00:41:41.674
- You've never seen Rocky?
- She's not serious.

00:41:41.749 --> 00:41:42.875
You've never seen Rocky?

00:41:42.959 --> 00:41:43.960
You know...

00:41:47.880 --> 00:41:48.927
You know, Rocky!

00:41:49.007 --> 00:41:50.680
I'm not gonna remember
a movie I've never seen

00:41:50.758 --> 00:41:52.476
just because you're singing
a song I don't know.

00:41:52.593 --> 00:41:55.142
You don't know Samuel L. Jackson,
you don't know Rocky.

00:41:55.221 --> 00:41:57.019
You are literally
pop culture illiterate.

00:41:57.098 --> 00:41:58.520
I have a college degree.

00:41:58.599 --> 00:42:01.022
My pop culture references are
Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray.

00:42:01.102 --> 00:42:02.194
Ever heard of any of them?

00:42:02.270 --> 00:42:04.739
No, but I'm pretty sure
Mr. T could kick their ass!

00:42:04.814 --> 00:42:06.782
Yeah, Sam, you really
need to be educated.

00:42:06.941 --> 00:42:11.287
Oh, really? Um, can either of you
tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?

00:42:11.779 --> 00:42:12.905
- Judy Blume?
- Hitler?

00:42:12.989 --> 00:42:14.206
F. Scott Fitzgerald.

00:42:14.282 --> 00:42:15.329
Who's that?

00:42:15.616 --> 00:42:16.617
The author.

00:42:16.784 --> 00:42:18.206
Why are you saying,
"Fuck him"?

00:42:18.286 --> 00:42:19.253
What?

00:42:19.328 --> 00:42:20.705
You just said
"Eff Scott Fitzgerald."

00:42:20.788 --> 00:42:22.506
- What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
- Yeah.

00:42:22.582 --> 00:42:24.300
No, that's his first name.

00:42:24.584 --> 00:42:26.257
His name's
"Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?

00:42:26.335 --> 00:42:27.461
What? No.

00:42:27.587 --> 00:42:28.884
Well, then, what's
the "F" stand for?

00:42:28.963 --> 00:42:29.964
Francis.

00:42:30.089 --> 00:42:31.591
- No. It's got to be "Fuck."
- It must be "Fuck."

00:42:31.674 --> 00:42:33.017
- It's got to be "Fuck."
- It has to be "Fuck."

00:42:33.092 --> 00:42:34.264
Why the hell
would it be "Fuck"?

00:42:34.343 --> 00:42:36.016
Well, because otherwise,
why wouldn't he just say it?

00:42:36.095 --> 00:42:37.472
Yeah, he's hiding
something. it's "Fuck."

00:42:37.513 --> 00:42:39.390
- Come on, read between the lines, Sam.
- Yeah, Sam. It's "Fuck."

00:42:39.474 --> 00:42:41.647
That's completely
insane. You guys are idiots.

00:42:41.726 --> 00:42:44.821
Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang.
Get used to it.

00:42:50.568 --> 00:42:51.615
Yes!

00:42:53.488 --> 00:42:54.489
Sir?

00:42:54.822 --> 00:42:57.701
Um, one of the janitors
would like to see you.

00:42:58.159 --> 00:42:59.160
I'm busy.

00:42:59.660 --> 00:43:01.287
Fresh cakes!

00:43:02.121 --> 00:43:03.168
What is it, Danny'?

00:43:03.372 --> 00:43:04.589
Uh, Donny, sir.

00:43:04.665 --> 00:43:08.090
Well, Donny, I'm extremely busy
with the Comic Con presentation...

00:43:08.169 --> 00:43:10.547
I'm told that you have an
open-door policy here at Hasbro

00:43:10.630 --> 00:43:13.179
for new toy ideas
from any and all employees?

00:43:14.175 --> 00:43:15.973
Yeah, I suppose
that's true.

00:43:17.178 --> 00:43:18.521
All right, come in.

00:43:18.679 --> 00:43:20.147
Okay.

00:43:20.306 --> 00:43:22.855
Thank you. Thank you.
I love your dress.

00:43:28.981 --> 00:43:30.198
Mr. Jessup,

00:43:30.399 --> 00:43:32.822
I can make this company
a billion dollars.

00:43:33.194 --> 00:43:34.366
I'm listening.

00:43:35.488 --> 00:43:36.535
Thirty years ago,

00:43:36.697 --> 00:43:38.995
a little boy named
John Bennett made a wish

00:43:39.075 --> 00:43:41.328
that his teddy bear
would come to life.

00:43:41.494 --> 00:43:43.747
Somehow, one of
our Hasbro bears...

00:43:43.830 --> 00:43:45.548
Yes, I'm aware
of the story.

00:43:47.375 --> 00:43:49.093
Have you seen this?

00:43:54.257 --> 00:43:55.349
So what?

00:43:55.424 --> 00:43:58.598
Well, Ted is suing
for his civil rights.

00:43:58.761 --> 00:44:01.640
If he loses, the state
will officially declare him

00:44:01.722 --> 00:44:04.350
a non-entity with
no rights under the law.

00:44:04.892 --> 00:44:07.020
That means
he becomes property.

00:44:07.478 --> 00:44:08.650
Mr. Jessup,

00:44:09.689 --> 00:44:13.910
we could take him back, with only a
trivial degree cf legal consequence

00:44:13.985 --> 00:44:15.532
if we were even caught.

00:44:15.736 --> 00:44:17.329
And why would
we do this?

00:44:17.405 --> 00:44:22.411
Sir, if we could cut him open
to see what makes him tick,

00:44:22.577 --> 00:44:26.707
we could manufacture millions of
Teds for every child in the world.

00:44:26.831 --> 00:44:29.425
Hasbro would double
its profits overnight.

00:44:30.501 --> 00:44:31.548
Go on.

00:44:31.627 --> 00:44:34.426
We just have to make sure
Ted loses the case.

00:44:34.630 --> 00:44:37.679
You use every back channel,
every bribe,

00:44:37.800 --> 00:44:39.052
you call in every favor

00:44:39.135 --> 00:44:43.436
and you get the best lawyer
in the world on the defense.

00:44:43.931 --> 00:44:46.980
When Ted's rights
are officially null,

00:44:48.436 --> 00:44:49.904
we grab him.

00:44:51.314 --> 00:44:54.409
No one's going to kick up a
legal fuss over property.

00:44:55.109 --> 00:44:58.329
You're a hell of a lot smarter
than your urinal cakes, Danny.

00:44:58.779 --> 00:44:59.951
Really?

00:45:00.114 --> 00:45:02.458
Now, what exactly
do you want from this?

00:45:03.159 --> 00:45:05.912
Mr. Jessup, I'm not
interested in money.

00:45:08.331 --> 00:45:10.675
I just want a Ted
for my very own.

00:45:11.834 --> 00:45:14.963
All right. I think I can
handle the defense.

00:45:15.963 --> 00:45:17.556
But let's make
one thing clear.

00:45:17.632 --> 00:45:19.305
We never had
this conversation.

00:45:19.550 --> 00:45:22.975
Goldner and the board cannot know
about this until we have him.

00:45:23.512 --> 00:45:24.889
Do you understand?

00:45:24.972 --> 00:45:26.315
Yes, I do.

00:45:29.852 --> 00:45:31.854
I need Shep Wild.

00:45:34.690 --> 00:45:37.284
That was such
a good dinner, Tami-Lynn.

00:45:37.401 --> 00:45:39.244
I've never had Pringles
on my steak before.

00:45:39.320 --> 00:45:40.492
Oh, it's my pleasure.

00:45:40.571 --> 00:45:43.950
It's the least I can do with all
you're doing for us. Really.

00:45:44.033 --> 00:45:46.286
Oh, I haven't done
anything yet.

00:45:46.369 --> 00:45:48.087
Well, you know, we wanted
to take you out to dinner,

00:45:48.162 --> 00:45:52.167
but, uh, all we got is Tami's income
these days since nobody will hire me.

00:45:52.250 --> 00:45:53.718
Things are getting
really tight, huh?

00:45:53.834 --> 00:45:56.212
Yeah, I've had to do
some things I'm not proud of.

00:45:56.504 --> 00:45:59.883
BJs here! Get your BJs!
Get your red-hot BJs!

00:45:59.966 --> 00:46:02.765
Toothless and ready to go.
Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar!

00:46:02.843 --> 00:46:04.186
Get your BJs here.

00:46:04.595 --> 00:46:05.721
Wow.

00:46:05.805 --> 00:46:07.057
Hey, listen,
I got an idea.

00:46:07.139 --> 00:46:09.688
Uh, Tami, what do you say
you and me go do the dishes

00:46:09.767 --> 00:46:12.316
and give Sam and Diane
here some alone time, eh?

00:46:12.645 --> 00:46:14.864
All right, all right.

00:46:15.147 --> 00:46:17.570
Hey, you go pull
a bad back, bitch!

00:46:19.193 --> 00:46:20.615
What do you think
that was about?

00:46:20.903 --> 00:46:22.951
Oh, it's nothing. That's his way
of saying I should ask you out.

00:46:23.030 --> 00:46:24.077
Ah.

00:46:24.156 --> 00:46:25.248
Uh, yeah, look...

00:46:25.324 --> 00:46:27.952
We should probably focus our
attention on the case for now.

00:46:28.035 --> 00:46:29.662
I completely agree.

00:46:30.705 --> 00:46:34.801
You know, l am a little bit curious.
How is it that a guy like you is unattached?

00:46:35.918 --> 00:46:40.389
Well, I was married at one point,
but it just didn't work out.

00:46:40.548 --> 00:46:42.721
Shits. I'm sorry. That sucks.

00:46:42.883 --> 00:46:46.353
No. I mean, we'd make
it work day to day,

00:46:46.804 --> 00:46:48.431
but she was always
just trying to change me

00:46:48.514 --> 00:46:49.731
into someone I'm not.

00:46:49.890 --> 00:46:51.608
And I tried, you know?

00:46:52.435 --> 00:46:55.905
I really tried everything I could
to be the man that she wanted.

00:46:56.397 --> 00:46:59.992
One day I woke up and I just
realized I wasn't myself anymore.

00:47:00.818 --> 00:47:04.914
You know, as much as I love this person,
we're completely wrong for each other.

00:47:05.656 --> 00:47:07.829
At least you
figured it out early.

00:47:08.117 --> 00:47:09.664
Some people go through
their whole lives

00:47:09.744 --> 00:47:11.587
trying to make it work
with the wrong person.

00:47:12.163 --> 00:47:13.415
Yeah.

00:47:14.707 --> 00:47:16.129
So, we're gonna
win this thing?

00:47:16.584 --> 00:47:18.461
Honestly, I don't know.

00:47:18.836 --> 00:47:20.338
Oh, we're betting on you.

00:47:21.130 --> 00:47:23.553
Hey, Johnny, come on. It's almost 7:00.
We got to get up there.

00:47:23.632 --> 00:47:24.929
Hey, Sam,
you want in on this?

00:47:25.009 --> 00:47:26.056
What is it?

00:47:26.135 --> 00:47:29.139
On Tuesday nights, we get fucked
up and throw apples at joggers.

00:47:33.309 --> 00:47:34.356
Oh, there's one!

00:47:36.020 --> 00:47:37.397
- How's your workout?
- Fuck you!

00:47:37.480 --> 00:47:39.357
- Eat my pussy!
- Have some apples!

00:47:39.440 --> 00:47:40.942
Jesus, what the hell
is your problem?

00:47:41.442 --> 00:47:43.661
It's everybody
else's fault, Mary Decker!

00:47:44.070 --> 00:47:45.162
Barn!

00:47:45.237 --> 00:47:47.410
You sons of bitches! What the
fuck is your...

00:47:50.659 --> 00:47:52.787
That's the lottery!
That's the lottery!

00:47:52.870 --> 00:47:55.498
That's what you get
for fucking exercising!

00:47:55.956 --> 00:47:57.708
That is unbelievable!

00:48:32.159 --> 00:48:33.251
Teddy.

00:48:34.328 --> 00:48:35.750
Teddy, I'm scared.

00:48:35.830 --> 00:48:37.082
Baby, we're gonna be fine.

00:48:37.164 --> 00:48:40.384
I don't care what any fucking piece
of paper says. You're my wife.

00:48:40.751 --> 00:48:42.503
I love you so much.

00:48:42.586 --> 00:48:43.838
And I swear to God,
if we lose,

00:48:43.921 --> 00:48:45.514
I'm gonna
fucking cut that judge.

00:48:45.673 --> 00:48:47.220
Wait a minute.
You brought your switchblade?

00:48:47.299 --> 00:48:48.300
Yeah.

00:48:48.384 --> 00:48:50.762
But they patted us down on the way
in here. Where'd you even hide it?

00:48:50.845 --> 00:48:52.267
Oh!

00:48:53.514 --> 00:48:54.561
Hey, Sam.

00:48:55.349 --> 00:48:56.942
Who's that buttnut
over there'?

00:48:59.395 --> 00:49:02.524
That is why we've been working so hard.
That's Shep Wild.

00:49:02.606 --> 00:49:04.358
It's our bad luck
they put him on the trial.

00:49:05.025 --> 00:49:06.823
He's never lost
a case in his life.

00:49:07.445 --> 00:49:11.166
Mr. Wild, your opening
statement, if you please.

00:49:11.449 --> 00:49:12.826
Thank you, Your Honor.

00:49:13.742 --> 00:49:16.541
I would first like to thank the
ladies and gentlemen of the jury

00:49:16.912 --> 00:49:19.711
for taking time out
of their busy schedules

00:49:20.124 --> 00:49:21.967
to be a part of
these proceedings.

00:49:22.418 --> 00:49:27.640
Now, the case we'll be examining
today is really quite a simple one.

00:49:28.007 --> 00:49:30.260
Is Ted a human being?

00:49:30.718 --> 00:49:32.311
Or a piece of property?

00:49:33.137 --> 00:49:38.940
You know, it really is a very special,
very unique thing to be human.

00:49:39.643 --> 00:49:43.523
It's a gift from God bestowed
upon only one species.

00:49:43.981 --> 00:49:45.028
Us.

00:49:45.649 --> 00:49:48.448
But if we suddenly decide
to share that gift,

00:49:49.445 --> 00:49:50.913
where does that lead us?

00:49:51.572 --> 00:49:53.574
Does your dog
deserve human rights?

00:49:54.074 --> 00:49:55.371
Your cat?

00:49:55.451 --> 00:49:56.873
Your toaster?

00:50:00.080 --> 00:50:03.300
Suddenly, being human doesn't
seem so special anymore, does it?

00:50:04.460 --> 00:50:07.179
I'm confident you'll
make the right decision.

00:50:08.214 --> 00:50:10.967
Thank you, Mr. Wild,
for your opening statement.

00:50:11.342 --> 00:50:12.559
Ms. Jackson?

00:50:18.474 --> 00:50:19.691
Hi.

00:50:20.601 --> 00:50:22.478
I am Samantha Jackson.

00:50:22.937 --> 00:50:25.156
I got to be honest
with you. I'm...

00:50:25.940 --> 00:50:27.863
I'm a little nervous.

00:50:28.317 --> 00:50:29.990
Why am I nervous? Um...

00:50:31.070 --> 00:50:34.620
Well, not because I'm a junior
attorney arguing her first case.

00:50:35.282 --> 00:50:36.875
And not because
some of you might laugh

00:50:36.951 --> 00:50:39.670
at the fact that
I'm representing a teddy bear.

00:50:42.456 --> 00:50:46.757
No, I'm... I'm nervous
because of one simple word.

00:50:49.213 --> 00:50:50.465
"Justice."

00:50:51.382 --> 00:50:56.058
I'm nervous that you're
going to be swayed

00:50:56.220 --> 00:50:59.224
by smooth talk
and a haircut,

00:50:59.473 --> 00:51:03.603
and forget about the most
important aspect of this case.

00:51:04.979 --> 00:51:06.151
Justice.

00:51:07.898 --> 00:51:09.275
A hundred
and fifty years ago

00:51:09.400 --> 00:51:11.744
a slave by the
name of Dred Scott

00:51:11.819 --> 00:51:15.414
sued to prove that he was a person
and not a piece of property.

00:51:15.864 --> 00:51:17.332
He lost.

00:51:17.575 --> 00:51:21.580
And as history has shown
us, that wasn’t justice.

00:51:23.872 --> 00:51:26.546
In every
civil rights conflict,

00:51:27.209 --> 00:51:31.259
we are only able to recognize
the just point of view

00:51:31.338 --> 00:51:33.181
years after the fact.

00:51:33.674 --> 00:51:35.847
And when the next
conflict comes along,

00:51:36.010 --> 00:51:39.014
we're once again blind
to it as it's happening.

00:51:40.014 --> 00:51:43.439
"Well, this is different,"
we say, but it isn't.

00:51:44.602 --> 00:51:47.776
It is the same beast, just
wearing a different face,

00:51:47.855 --> 00:51:49.482
and it's happening
again today.

00:51:51.025 --> 00:51:54.245
So I urge you, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,

00:51:54.403 --> 00:51:57.532
not to be a footnote
on the wrong side of history.

00:52:00.200 --> 00:52:02.373
Don't wait too long
to be right.

00:52:04.038 --> 00:52:05.130
Thank you.

00:52:09.209 --> 00:52:10.210
Erection.

00:52:10.377 --> 00:52:11.924
Sustained.

00:52:14.548 --> 00:52:17.552
Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently
considered adopting a child.

00:52:17.635 --> 00:52:18.682
Is that correct?

00:52:19.053 --> 00:52:20.100
Yeah.

00:52:20.512 --> 00:52:21.809
And if I may inquire,

00:52:21.889 --> 00:52:24.142
why did you not choose to
have a child of your own?

00:52:24.850 --> 00:52:26.352
Because Teddy
ain't got no dick.

00:52:30.105 --> 00:52:31.152
Uh-huh.

00:52:31.231 --> 00:52:35.953
And, uh, why does Ted not
possess a, uh, male appendage?

00:52:36.403 --> 00:52:37.780
Is it a freak of genetics?

00:52:38.072 --> 00:52:40.495
No, asshole, he ain't got a dick
because he's a fucking toy!

00:52:40.574 --> 00:52:41.621
What's your excuse?

00:52:41.742 --> 00:52:43.369
Whoa-ho! Take a burn!

00:52:43.452 --> 00:52:45.921
Yeah! How's your tongue taste
in your own ass, Poindexter?

00:52:45.996 --> 00:52:47.213
Yeah! How'd you...
What?

00:52:47.331 --> 00:52:49.049
Order!

00:52:50.250 --> 00:52:51.342
Mr. Bennett,

00:52:51.919 --> 00:52:55.093
how would you categorize
your relationship with Ted?

00:52:56.006 --> 00:52:57.258
He's my best friend.

00:52:57.675 --> 00:52:59.769
So you don't see him
as your property.

00:53:00.094 --> 00:53:02.722
No, he's not my property.
He's a person.

00:53:02.805 --> 00:53:04.807
He's way more of a person
than lots of other people.

00:53:04.890 --> 00:53:06.267
I mean, fucking Steven Tyler?

00:53:06.350 --> 00:53:07.602
What the fuck is that?
Some kind of

00:53:07.685 --> 00:53:09.278
weird soccer-mom-looking
Goonie monster?

00:53:09.353 --> 00:53:10.855
- Your Honor?
- I'll allow it.

00:53:11.188 --> 00:53:12.656
Thank you, Your Honor.

00:53:13.315 --> 00:53:14.783
Your witness.

00:53:18.278 --> 00:53:19.495
Mr. Bennett,

00:53:20.364 --> 00:53:22.617
when and where did
you first encounter Ted?

00:53:23.117 --> 00:53:25.461
Oh, what do you mean? My parents
got him for me when I was a kid.

00:53:25.577 --> 00:53:27.671
A-ha. They "got him."

00:53:29.206 --> 00:53:30.628
Where did they get him?

00:53:33.460 --> 00:53:34.712
Child World toy store.

00:53:34.795 --> 00:53:36.718
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that.
Could you repeat that, please?

00:53:36.797 --> 00:53:38.424
Child World toy store.
You fucking heard me.

00:53:38.507 --> 00:53:39.884
There's no need for hostility,
Mr. Bennett.

00:53:39.967 --> 00:53:41.264
Why? Nobody here likes you!

00:53:41.343 --> 00:53:43.391
I saw you eating lunch alone!
You're a loser!

00:53:43.470 --> 00:53:44.562
- Your Honor?
- Mr. Bennett.

00:53:44.638 --> 00:53:46.015
I hope your kids
get bird flu!

00:53:46.140 --> 00:53:47.141
Mr. Bennett!

00:53:47.224 --> 00:53:48.225
I'm sorry.

00:53:48.475 --> 00:53:51.524
Now, you said your
parents purchased Ted,

00:53:51.687 --> 00:53:54.987
as one might purchase a
baseball glove or a Big Wheel.

00:53:55.065 --> 00:53:56.237
No, it's not like that!

00:53:56.316 --> 00:53:57.317
Objection!

00:53:57.401 --> 00:53:58.618
You can't do that!

00:53:58.694 --> 00:53:59.911
You know what?
This is bullshit!

00:53:59.987 --> 00:54:01.739
This court is
trying to tell me

00:54:01.822 --> 00:54:03.199
that I'm not as good
as other people,

00:54:03.323 --> 00:54:05.496
and this is exactly what
you've been doing to the fags!

00:54:05.576 --> 00:54:06.577
Ted!

00:54:06.660 --> 00:54:07.627
Sorry, sorry.
The homos, the homos.

00:54:07.703 --> 00:54:09.250
This is exactly
what you've been doing

00:54:09.329 --> 00:54:10.831
to the homos,
and I say it's wrong!

00:54:10.914 --> 00:54:13.508
Ms. Jackson,
please control your client

00:54:13.584 --> 00:54:15.678
or I'll hold both of you
in contempt of court!

00:54:15.753 --> 00:54:16.845
Oh, piss off!

00:54:16.920 --> 00:54:19.594
I'm standing up for me and I'm
standing up for the homos!

00:54:19.673 --> 00:54:20.765
We deserve respect!

00:54:20.841 --> 00:54:21.842
Ted, shut up!

00:54:21.967 --> 00:54:23.219
Fine.

00:54:32.478 --> 00:54:34.947
Your Honor, I'd like to call
Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.

00:54:35.022 --> 00:54:36.023
Yes!

00:54:36.315 --> 00:54:38.283
My turn, assholes!

00:54:43.489 --> 00:54:44.536
Ted.

00:54:45.282 --> 00:54:46.499
Do you love your wife?

00:54:46.575 --> 00:54:49.704
Objection. She's not his wife.
The marriage was annulled.

00:54:49.912 --> 00:54:51.380
I'll rephrase.

00:54:52.498 --> 00:54:53.966
Do you love Tami-Lynn?

00:54:54.374 --> 00:54:57.469
I love my wife. Okay?
My wife.

00:54:57.544 --> 00:54:58.966
More than anything
in the world.

00:54:59.046 --> 00:55:01.265
We're married. I don't
care what anybody says.

00:55:01.673 --> 00:55:05.223
So you're saying you are
capable of feeling love.

00:55:05.594 --> 00:55:06.766
Yeah.

00:55:07.095 --> 00:55:08.722
Hey, it must be weird
for you guys,

00:55:08.806 --> 00:55:10.183
having a doll up here
on the stand

00:55:10.265 --> 00:55:12.484
with no kid pointing to where
his uncle touched him, huh?

00:55:13.769 --> 00:55:14.941
Yeah, no, yeah, no.

00:55:15.020 --> 00:55:17.990
Yeah, I am capable.
I love a lot of stuff. Yeah.

00:55:18.565 --> 00:55:22.695
Ted, do you believe
you have a soul?

00:55:24.071 --> 00:55:26.449
♪ What did you think ♪

00:55:26.865 --> 00:55:29.459
♪ I would do at this moment ♪

00:55:29.910 --> 00:55:32.754
♪ When you're standing before me ♪

00:55:32.830 --> 00:55:35.549
♪ With tears in your eyes ♪

00:55:36.333 --> 00:55:37.676
Will that answer your question?

00:55:37.751 --> 00:55:39.219
Objection. Your Honor?

00:55:39.419 --> 00:55:41.171
♪ Overruled! ♪

00:55:41.338 --> 00:55:44.467
A-ha! What it is, man!
Dynomite.

00:55:44.758 --> 00:55:46.601
Ted. Right, right. Sorry, sorry.

00:55:47.761 --> 00:55:50.810
Look, I'm not
a scientist, okay?

00:55:51.431 --> 00:55:54.776
I don't know exactly what
makes a person a person.

00:55:54.935 --> 00:55:57.404
All I know is I feel stuff.

00:55:57.896 --> 00:55:59.273
Just like all you guys.

00:56:00.357 --> 00:56:02.780
And I don't think I ought to
be treated any different.

00:56:06.780 --> 00:56:08.282
Capable of love.

00:56:09.449 --> 00:56:11.497
Aware of his
own consciousness.

00:56:14.288 --> 00:56:16.006
Seems pretty human to me.

00:56:16.957 --> 00:56:18.880
No further questions.

00:56:19.585 --> 00:56:20.632
Mr. Kidder,

00:56:20.878 --> 00:56:25.133
you were an employee at Hasbro from
1976 to 1998. Is that correct?

00:56:25.299 --> 00:56:28.223
Yes, I supervised the
stuffing of the teddy bears.

00:56:28.677 --> 00:56:30.224
And what is that
stuffing made of?

00:56:30.304 --> 00:56:32.727
A synthetic
cotton-poly blend.

00:56:32.890 --> 00:56:34.563
Is there anything else
in there?

00:56:34.892 --> 00:56:38.817
The bear products are affixed with
an electronic device in the chest

00:56:39.146 --> 00:56:42.275
which can be programmed to
say any one of five phrases.

00:56:43.817 --> 00:56:44.818
Hmm.

00:56:47.905 --> 00:56:48.997
Ted.

00:56:49.990 --> 00:56:51.742
Would you please
press your chest?

00:56:53.952 --> 00:56:54.999
What?

00:56:55.454 --> 00:56:58.173
Please follow the instruction,
Mr. Clubber Lang.

00:57:03.337 --> 00:57:04.839
I love you!

00:57:15.223 --> 00:57:16.600
No further questions.

00:57:19.353 --> 00:57:21.196
Also in the news, a pending court case

00:57:21.313 --> 00:57:23.361
is beginning to get
national attention

00:57:23.440 --> 00:57:25.408
for its civil
rights ramifications.

00:57:25.525 --> 00:57:27.402
Ted, the bear,
who some of you may remember

00:57:27.486 --> 00:57:30.990
came to life back in the
mid-80s right here in Boston,

00:57:31.156 --> 00:57:34.160
is suing to prove
he is indeed a person.

00:57:34.451 --> 00:57:36.954
Okay, so what are we
even talking about here?

00:57:37.037 --> 00:57:40.917
What we're talking about is a civil
rights issue. This bear has rights.

00:57:40.999 --> 00:57:42.967
- Oh, come on!
- He does not! He's a toy.

00:57:43.043 --> 00:57:44.545
Then why are you
calling it a "he"?

00:57:44.628 --> 00:57:46.972
Look, we call the Statue
of Liberty "she,"

00:57:47.047 --> 00:57:50.392
but we all know it's an object
made of copper and steel.

00:57:50.467 --> 00:57:51.514
Oh, good point.

00:57:51.551 --> 00:57:54.976
- Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient. He is.
- Mmm-hmm.

00:57:55.222 --> 00:57:56.269
Now, come on!

00:57:56.348 --> 00:57:57.975
Are any of you gonna
sit there and tell me

00:57:58.058 --> 00:57:59.776
that this stuffed
doll is a person?

00:57:59.851 --> 00:58:00.818
- No.
- Not at all.

00:58:00.894 --> 00:58:02.066
We all agree
all the time.

00:58:02.145 --> 00:58:04.489
I don't think he should want
to be considered a person.

00:58:04.564 --> 00:58:06.441
After all, you know,
Ted spent many years

00:58:06.525 --> 00:58:08.323
sleeping and cuddling
with a child.

00:58:08.402 --> 00:58:10.245
That's cute when
you're a stuffed animal.

00:58:10.320 --> 00:58:12.322
When you're a person,
that's a felony.

00:58:14.241 --> 00:58:17.211
Ted, do you have anything
to say in your own defense?

00:58:17.577 --> 00:58:21.957
I am not an animal!

00:58:25.502 --> 00:58:26.754
You see, Your Honor?

00:58:26.837 --> 00:58:28.180
He's not an animal.

00:58:36.555 --> 00:58:39.104
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I'm on my period.

00:58:39.766 --> 00:58:45.273
And live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

00:59:02.789 --> 00:59:04.712
What is taking
them so long?

00:59:04.791 --> 00:59:06.589
Oh, is it bad that
they're taking this long?

00:59:06.668 --> 00:59:08.295
It's not good or bad.
It just means

00:59:08.378 --> 00:59:09.846
that they're probably
having a debate.

00:59:10.297 --> 00:59:12.675
Johnny, it may be time
to play the Betelgeuse card.

00:59:12.758 --> 00:59:13.759
What do you mean?

00:59:13.842 --> 00:59:15.435
I mean saying his
name three times.

00:59:15.510 --> 00:59:16.557
What?

00:59:16.636 --> 00:59:17.808
Betelgeuse.
Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.

00:59:17.888 --> 00:59:18.980
Shut up!

00:59:19.139 --> 00:59:20.391
You fucking crazy?
We don't want

00:59:20.474 --> 00:59:21.646
that guy running
around in here.

00:59:21.725 --> 00:59:22.897
No, Johnny,
he'll be on our side.

00:59:22.976 --> 00:59:24.319
He'll help us.
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse...

00:59:24.394 --> 00:59:26.988
You are meddling with powers
you do not understand.

00:59:27.064 --> 00:59:28.156
Cut the shit.

00:59:40.327 --> 00:59:41.419
Please be seated.

00:59:44.289 --> 00:59:47.088
Mr. Willer, has the jury
reached a verdict?

00:59:47.334 --> 00:59:49.177
Yes, we have, Your Honor.

00:59:49.836 --> 00:59:53.932
Um, in the case of
Ted vs. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts,

00:59:54.049 --> 00:59:59.351
we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth
in that Ted is not a person.

01:00:11.650 --> 01:00:12.697
Very well.

01:00:12.901 --> 01:00:15.745
The plaintiff is hereby
legally deemed property.

01:00:16.279 --> 01:00:18.873
The definition entails
the rights thereof

01:00:18.949 --> 01:00:21.418
and will be recognized
in the terms set

01:00:21.493 --> 01:00:23.871
by the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts.

01:00:23.954 --> 01:00:27.049
The court wishes to thank
the jury for its service.

01:00:34.214 --> 01:00:36.137
Are you sure
you can get him?

01:00:36.299 --> 01:00:38.222
Remember, you're
on your own out there.

01:00:38.301 --> 01:00:40.178
Hasbro can have
no connection to this.

01:00:40.345 --> 01:00:41.847
Oh, I'll get him.

01:00:42.305 --> 01:00:44.399
And when I have him, I'll call
you with the code phrase.

01:00:45.725 --> 01:00:47.352
Do you remember what it is?

01:00:47.727 --> 01:00:48.944
Yes, I remember it.

01:00:49.104 --> 01:00:50.356
Should we say it
just for safety?

01:00:50.438 --> 01:00:51.439
No, that's not necessary.

01:00:51.523 --> 01:00:52.490
Say it. Just say it.
Say it.

01:00:52.566 --> 01:00:53.738
I don't want to.
I don't have to.

01:00:53.859 --> 01:00:54.906
Fresh cakes.

01:00:55.819 --> 01:00:57.071
Fresh cakes.

01:01:05.579 --> 01:01:07.502
This isn't fucking fair.

01:01:07.664 --> 01:01:09.507
Teddy's a good man.

01:01:09.916 --> 01:01:12.465
Why is he being treated
differently than everybody else?

01:01:12.878 --> 01:01:15.097
It's what
this country does best.

01:01:15.172 --> 01:01:17.174
Putting different people
into little groups

01:01:17.257 --> 01:01:18.634
and making them
watch Tyler Perry.

01:01:18.717 --> 01:01:19.934
It's wrong!

01:01:21.303 --> 01:01:22.680
I'm so sorry, baby.

01:01:22.929 --> 01:01:26.274
No, I'm sorry! I thought
I'd built a better case.

01:01:26.474 --> 01:01:27.521
It's just...

01:01:27.601 --> 01:01:29.854
The reality is you have
a really shitty lawyer.

01:01:29.978 --> 01:01:31.025
Hey, come on.

01:01:31.104 --> 01:01:33.778
Nobody's blaming you for this.
You did everything you could.

01:01:33.899 --> 01:01:35.947
I... I'm sitting here

01:01:36.026 --> 01:01:38.370
and I...
I can't believe it's official.

01:01:38.820 --> 01:01:40.367
Oh, so what are
we gonna do now?

01:01:40.447 --> 01:01:43.291
I mean, we can't take this lying
down, right? We got to do something.

01:01:44.075 --> 01:01:46.794
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.

01:01:46.953 --> 01:01:48.045
Who's that?

01:01:48.330 --> 01:01:51.004
He is the top civil rights
attorney in America.

01:01:51.124 --> 01:01:53.547
Wait. Is he the one who got that
female midget into the Marines?

01:01:53.627 --> 01:01:54.628
Yeah.

01:01:54.711 --> 01:01:56.054
Yeah, that had a sad ending
though, you remember?

01:01:56.129 --> 01:01:57.506
She was at
a Veterans Day parade,

01:01:57.589 --> 01:01:58.841
and somebody handed her
a bunch of balloons

01:01:58.924 --> 01:02:00.096
and... Gone!

01:02:00.300 --> 01:02:02.268
It was very sad.
Very sad for the family.

01:02:02.427 --> 01:02:04.896
You know what? If anyone can get
this verdict overturned, it's him.

01:02:04.971 --> 01:02:06.063
He's not cheap,

01:02:06.139 --> 01:02:08.233
but we've become such
a high profile case,

01:02:08.308 --> 01:02:10.561
I feel like he might
take it pro Bono.

01:02:10.644 --> 01:02:12.066
He's a sucker for media.

01:02:15.857 --> 01:02:17.575
Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer, huh?

01:02:17.651 --> 01:02:19.153
Yeah, that's a good idea.

01:02:20.320 --> 01:02:22.914
Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan.
This is Samantha Jackson.

01:02:22.989 --> 01:02:26.334
I defended Ted Clubber Lang
in Ted vs. Massachusetts.

01:02:27.244 --> 01:02:28.245
Hey!

01:02:28.328 --> 01:02:32.378
Hi, Mr. Meighan. Thank you
so much for taking my call.

01:02:34.167 --> 01:02:36.920
Oh, you've been following
the case. That's great.

01:02:37.963 --> 01:02:39.840
Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling.

01:02:39.923 --> 01:02:41.766
Yeah, I was wondering

01:02:41.841 --> 01:02:46.187
if, um, maybe you would consider helping
us try to overturn the verdict.

01:02:48.056 --> 01:02:52.027
Well, yeah. I mean, it would
have to be a pro Bono situation

01:02:52.102 --> 01:02:54.275
because we're not really
working with much money.

01:02:54.354 --> 01:02:56.573
But I think you'll be
impressed with my client.

01:02:56.648 --> 01:02:58.446
Oh! Ha-ha! Motherfucker!

01:02:58.525 --> 01:02:59.777
Sure.

01:02:59.859 --> 01:03:03.159
Yeah, great.
Okay. Thank you so much!

01:03:03.238 --> 01:03:05.582
Okay, I'll see you then. Bye.

01:03:05.865 --> 01:03:07.037
Oh, my God!

01:03:07.117 --> 01:03:08.994
He said he'll meet with
us on Friday at 9:00 A.M.

01:03:09.077 --> 01:03:10.499
at his office in New York.

01:03:10.578 --> 01:03:11.795
Is he gonna take the case?

01:03:11.871 --> 01:03:13.919
I don't want to jinx it,
but I think so.

01:03:14.082 --> 01:03:16.210
Oh, my God! You hear that, Johnny?

01:03:16.293 --> 01:03:17.510
- I still get a shot!
- Yes!

01:03:17.585 --> 01:03:19.212
Oh, my God!
We got to celebrate!

01:03:19.379 --> 01:03:20.471
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

01:03:20.547 --> 01:03:22.891
Let's go down to the improv
and yell sad suggestions?

01:03:22.966 --> 01:03:23.967
Fuck yeah!

01:03:24.050 --> 01:03:27.054
So first we need a historical event.
Who's got an event?

01:03:27.220 --> 01:03:28.221
9/11.

01:03:28.388 --> 01:03:30.891
Okay, maybe something else.

01:03:31.057 --> 01:03:32.650
All right, let's
start with a person.

01:03:32.726 --> 01:03:33.818
Robin Williams!

01:03:33.977 --> 01:03:37.197
Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real.
Who's got a person?

01:03:37.272 --> 01:03:39.149
Robin Williams on 9/11.

01:03:39.232 --> 01:03:40.984
All right, we've heard
from these guys.

01:03:41.067 --> 01:03:43.820
Let's maybe give somebody
else over here a chance.

01:03:43.903 --> 01:03:45.701
How about a location?
Let's go with a location.

01:03:45.780 --> 01:03:47.748
The offices
of Charlie Hebdo.

01:03:48.033 --> 01:03:50.912
Okay, seriously, sir, uh,
I just need a location.

01:03:50.994 --> 01:03:52.211
Ferguson, Missouri.

01:03:52.287 --> 01:03:53.664
Germanwings cockpit.

01:03:53.830 --> 01:03:55.798
- Okay, I heard "Starbucks."
- No, you didn't.

01:03:55.874 --> 01:03:57.046
Nobody said "Starbucks."

01:03:57.125 --> 01:04:00.254
All right, Starbucks. Okay,
now, who's in the Starbucks?

01:04:00.420 --> 01:04:01.592
Bill Cosby.

01:04:01.755 --> 01:04:02.927
You people are monsters.

01:04:03.173 --> 01:04:04.675
We're giving you
the tools, buddy.

01:04:04.758 --> 01:04:06.260
Come on,
make some fucking comedy.

01:04:17.604 --> 01:04:19.652
All right. We'll be back
tomorrow afternoon.

01:04:19.814 --> 01:04:21.816
I love you so much, Teddy.

01:04:21.983 --> 01:04:25.328
You go kick some ass because I am
not taking off this wedding ring.

01:04:25.487 --> 01:04:28.616
I love you too, baby.
I'll see you soon.

01:05:13.201 --> 01:05:15.203
♪ If you wanna sit
there with a pie of meat ♪

01:05:15.286 --> 01:05:17.505
♪ Just fuck your own brother
in the front seat ♪

01:05:17.580 --> 01:05:20.379
♪ Oh, why can't you
just say please? ♪

01:05:20.458 --> 01:05:22.961
♪ Hey! Must be the money ♪

01:05:23.670 --> 01:05:26.264
Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel
bag that says "Arizona State"?

01:05:26.339 --> 01:05:27.716
Because that's
where I went to school.

01:05:27.841 --> 01:05:29.889
What, you went
to Arizona State?

01:05:29.968 --> 01:05:30.969
Yeah, why?

01:05:31.052 --> 01:05:33.100
Oh, man, that's why
we lost the case.

01:05:33.179 --> 01:05:34.271
- Hello?
- You're dicks.

01:05:34.347 --> 01:05:37.601
Arizona State. Hey, how many times
you been fucked on a houseboat?

01:05:39.769 --> 01:05:40.861
Oh, come on.

01:05:40.937 --> 01:05:42.109
Did you write
your dissertation

01:05:42.188 --> 01:05:44.532
on the collected
works of, uh, Red Bull?

01:05:44.691 --> 01:05:46.693
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
I got an A on it.

01:05:46.943 --> 01:05:51.073
So do you say "Arizona State
University" or do you just say "HPVU"?

01:05:55.910 --> 01:05:58.459
This is perfect. We're gonna
get to the city before 10:00.

01:05:58.872 --> 01:06:00.670
Hey, Sam,
how's your boring salad?

01:06:00.748 --> 01:06:02.216
Mmm, it's actually delicious.

01:06:02.375 --> 01:06:04.298
Everybody always says
that about their salad.

01:06:04.377 --> 01:06:05.629
They're all
a bunch of fucking liars.

01:06:05.795 --> 01:06:07.672
No, I love it.
It's really good.

01:06:07.755 --> 01:06:10.099
Have some Cookie Crisp.
You need something nutritional.

01:06:10.216 --> 01:06:11.559
Why do you think
I want your Cookie Crisp?

01:06:11.634 --> 01:06:13.386
Because you've been staring
at it, and you want it.

01:06:13.553 --> 01:06:16.397
Hey, what's the deal here?
You guys ever gonna make out or what?

01:06:16.723 --> 01:06:17.975
Teddy, come on, dude!

01:06:18.057 --> 01:06:21.311
No, I'm just saying. You look like
you're hitting it off, you know?

01:06:21.561 --> 01:06:23.279
Sam, you dig him, right?

01:06:25.273 --> 01:06:26.320
Hey!

01:06:26.399 --> 01:06:28.276
Where the hell's my coffee?
I've been waiting for 10 minutes.

01:06:28.359 --> 01:06:30.578
I'm so sorry, sir. I forgot.
I'll get it right away.

01:06:30.695 --> 01:06:33.494
Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not
building rockets. Figure it out!

01:06:34.073 --> 01:06:35.495
What a prick!

01:06:35.950 --> 01:06:38.578
Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a
Cookie Crisp into his ass crack.

01:06:38.745 --> 01:06:39.917
Wait, let me try.

01:06:40.079 --> 01:06:42.457
I used to pitch for the
softball team at Arizona State.

01:06:42.540 --> 01:06:44.417
Oh, yeah? Was your
mascot a broken condom?

01:06:44.667 --> 01:06:46.010
Shut up.

01:06:46.753 --> 01:06:48.505
- Oh, my God!
- Holy shit!

01:06:48.588 --> 01:06:50.340
Who did that?

01:06:50.590 --> 01:06:53.343
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You got to be kidding me!

01:06:53.426 --> 01:06:55.178
Now, we're assholes.
Look what you did.

01:06:55.261 --> 01:06:58.014
I swear to God, I'll kick
your goddamn ass! Who was it?

01:06:58.097 --> 01:07:01.021
Uh, sir, I apologize
for my 5-year-old son.

01:07:01.226 --> 01:07:02.478
I'm sowwy!

01:07:02.602 --> 01:07:03.649
Sowwy, sir.

01:07:03.770 --> 01:07:06.193
Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies.
I'm sorry.

01:07:06.773 --> 01:07:10.118
Well, under the circumstances,
I guess it's okay.

01:07:10.568 --> 01:07:12.696
Oh, my God. Now we're
even bigger assholes.

01:07:12.779 --> 01:07:14.452
Go get my Cookie
Crisp out of his ass.

01:07:14.614 --> 01:07:15.911
You guys making
trouble over here?

01:07:15.990 --> 01:07:17.663
Uh, no, ma'am. We're just
minding our business.

01:07:17.992 --> 01:07:20.120
Let's try to keep your boyfriend
under control here, yeah?

01:07:20.870 --> 01:07:22.292
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

01:07:22.705 --> 01:07:23.706
Oh.

01:07:24.123 --> 01:07:25.340
Good.

01:07:25.625 --> 01:07:27.047
We'll just get the check.
Thanks.

01:07:27.126 --> 01:07:28.423
Of course.

01:07:30.755 --> 01:07:31.756
Oh, my God.

01:07:31.839 --> 01:07:34.809
John, did you see that? She was
totally giving you the fuck-me eyes.

01:07:35.051 --> 01:07:36.052
No, she wasn't.

01:07:36.135 --> 01:07:37.478
She was giving you
the fuck-me eyes.

01:07:37.637 --> 01:07:38.854
What are the fuck-me eyes?

01:07:39.013 --> 01:07:41.516
It's... Some women just
have fuck-me eyes.

01:07:41.975 --> 01:07:43.227
Do I have fuck-me eyes?

01:07:43.309 --> 01:07:45.732
No, you have "Give us the
ring, my precious" eyes.

01:07:46.312 --> 01:07:47.313
We better get going.

01:07:47.397 --> 01:07:49.399
We got two hours of driving
left and I'm kind of beat.

01:07:49.482 --> 01:07:51.155
Yeah, we got to be
well rested for tomorrow.

01:07:51.234 --> 01:07:53.157
I'll drive.
You can take a nap.

01:07:53.319 --> 01:07:54.491
You don't have a license.

01:07:54.571 --> 01:07:56.073
Who cares?
Johnny lets me drive

01:07:56.155 --> 01:07:57.577
every once in a while
when he's too hammered.

01:07:57.657 --> 01:07:58.658
I'm a fucking pro!

01:07:59.284 --> 01:08:00.501
Besides,

01:08:00.577 --> 01:08:03.080
I've been kicked around
a lot this week. I just...

01:08:03.413 --> 01:08:05.256
I want to feel useful,
you know?

01:08:05.873 --> 01:08:06.999
Twenty minutes
behind the wheel.

01:08:07.166 --> 01:08:08.167
Yay!

01:09:11.981 --> 01:09:13.574
Ah! Ah!
Shit, shit, shit!

01:09:44.180 --> 01:09:45.432
What the fuck?

01:09:45.515 --> 01:09:47.984
Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.
You wanna take over?

01:10:01.197 --> 01:10:02.995
Hey, listen,
Sam, I'm real sorry.

01:10:03.074 --> 01:10:04.792
That barn just
came out of nowhere.

01:10:04.867 --> 01:10:07.211
No, no, it's my fault.
I... I, uh...

01:10:07.286 --> 01:10:08.913
I should never
have let you drive.

01:10:08.996 --> 01:10:10.589
Yeah. You were wrong.

01:10:10.665 --> 01:10:12.292
- Yeah.
- You were wrong to do that.

01:10:12.375 --> 01:10:16.300
But that and the trial are the only
two things you fucked up. So, uh...

01:10:17.130 --> 01:10:18.882
I can't see shit
in there.

01:10:18.965 --> 01:10:21.059
We're gonna have to wait till
tomorrow to get the car out.

01:10:21.384 --> 01:10:23.978
Uh, wait. Are we gonna
spend the night here?

01:10:24.137 --> 01:10:26.686
Yeah, it'll be fine. We just
got to find some firewood.

01:10:37.650 --> 01:10:38.742
What the hell?

01:10:44.741 --> 01:10:46.914
Holy shit! Hey, Ted!

01:10:47.952 --> 01:10:51.172
You know what this is?
It's Super Lemon Haze.

01:10:51.247 --> 01:10:52.373
It's a really rare strain.

01:10:52.457 --> 01:10:54.676
It's a cross between Lemon
Skunk and Super Silver Haze.

01:10:55.001 --> 01:10:56.048
It's totally potent.

01:10:56.127 --> 01:10:57.424
I've only had it
once in my life

01:10:57.503 --> 01:10:59.005
and it was one of
the best highs I ever had.

01:10:59.213 --> 01:11:00.430
What the hell is
a leaf of this stuff

01:11:00.506 --> 01:11:01.678
doing out in
the middle of a...

01:11:31.037 --> 01:11:33.836
Dear God! Dear God in heaven!

01:11:34.791 --> 01:11:36.384
So beautiful.

01:11:37.627 --> 01:11:39.300
It's so beautiful.

01:11:39.962 --> 01:11:41.430
No words.

01:11:42.381 --> 01:11:44.634
No words.

01:11:44.717 --> 01:11:46.719
They should've sent a poet.

01:11:54.060 --> 01:11:55.903
They're moving in herds.

01:11:56.813 --> 01:11:58.736
They do move in herds.

01:12:02.860 --> 01:12:05.659
Please tell me that's not the only
bong you brought on this trip.

01:12:05.738 --> 01:12:08.662
Yeah, Sam. This puts us in
kind of an awkward position, here.

01:12:08.741 --> 01:12:10.209
I mean, we wanna
get high, too.

01:12:10.284 --> 01:12:11.627
I don't have any
papers or nothing.

01:12:11.744 --> 01:12:14.623
Is this hilarious? I got it
at a bachelorette party.

01:12:15.998 --> 01:12:17.841
It's so stupid.
Here, try it.

01:12:17.917 --> 01:12:19.009
Uh, no.

01:12:19.085 --> 01:12:20.132
Why?

01:12:20.211 --> 01:12:22.680
I don't wanna put a big
glass cock in my mouth.

01:12:22.755 --> 01:12:24.132
Oh, you think
this is big?

01:12:25.424 --> 01:12:27.051
Johnny, you walked
right into that one, pal.

01:12:27.134 --> 01:12:28.101
This is all I brought.

01:12:28.177 --> 01:12:30.020
How about this? I'm gonna
go check out the barn

01:12:30.096 --> 01:12:32.098
and I'm gonna see if I can
find a soda can or something

01:12:32.181 --> 01:12:33.353
for us to make an actual bong.

01:12:33.432 --> 01:12:35.275
Yeah, see if you can
make a non-dick bong.

01:12:35.518 --> 01:12:38.192
Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the
South Korean president.

01:12:38.271 --> 01:12:39.363
Right?

01:12:39.605 --> 01:12:40.857
She gets...
You get it.

01:12:40.940 --> 01:12:41.941
Right? No.

01:12:42.108 --> 01:12:43.155
What?

01:12:43.317 --> 01:12:44.990
Okay, I'll be back.

01:12:45.528 --> 01:12:46.825
Sorry.

01:12:46.988 --> 01:12:49.491
No. This is nice.

01:12:49.657 --> 01:12:51.500
You know?
I always wanted my ex-wife

01:12:51.576 --> 01:12:53.203
to get stoned with me.
She never would.

01:12:53.369 --> 01:12:54.370
Really?

01:12:54.453 --> 01:12:57.377
Wow. That's the cornerstone
of any great marriage.

01:12:57.540 --> 01:12:58.962
I agree.

01:13:02.962 --> 01:13:05.511
So, you think this Meighan guy
is gonna help us?

01:13:05.673 --> 01:13:08.517
I mean, honestly,
I don't know. Um...

01:13:09.886 --> 01:13:11.388
But we're going
to the right place.

01:13:12.555 --> 01:13:14.148
Listen, I just really
want to thank you

01:13:14.223 --> 01:13:16.066
for all you've done,
all you're doing for us.

01:13:16.142 --> 01:13:17.940
I know it's not
making you rich.

01:13:18.019 --> 01:13:19.066
Please.

01:13:19.145 --> 01:13:21.398
There are more important
things in life than money.

01:13:22.815 --> 01:13:24.032
Look,

01:13:24.734 --> 01:13:26.953
I don't know what
kind of mojo was in

01:13:27.028 --> 01:13:28.746
that wish you made
when you were a child,

01:13:28.821 --> 01:13:30.698
but this bear is alive.

01:13:31.657 --> 01:13:35.707
And it seems to me that once the
law devalues one kind of life,

01:13:36.329 --> 01:13:38.502
how soon before
it devalues another?

01:13:38.831 --> 01:13:40.754
Who gets subjugated
after the bear?

01:13:42.376 --> 01:13:44.378
You're really smart,
you know that?

01:13:45.755 --> 01:13:46.972
How come
you don't have a guy?

01:13:47.340 --> 01:13:49.593
Dude, have you seen
the guys in Boston?

01:13:49.675 --> 01:13:51.677
I'm supposed to date
some pale, blotchy guy

01:13:51.761 --> 01:13:53.684
with a wife-beater
under his Bruins jacket

01:13:53.763 --> 01:13:56.186
and a shamrock tattoo
on his calf? Nope.

01:13:56.265 --> 01:13:57.312
Yeah.

01:13:57.391 --> 01:13:58.688
That's so dumb.

01:13:59.685 --> 01:13:59.935
I couldn't
find any cans,

01:13:59.936 --> 01:14:01.188
I couldn't
find any cans,

01:14:01.270 --> 01:14:03.944
but I got to tell you, there's
some awesome shit in that barn.

01:14:04.023 --> 01:14:07.072
Take a look at this. I found a
cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar.

01:14:07.276 --> 01:14:08.653
Hey, be careful
with that, huh.

01:14:08.819 --> 01:14:09.945
No, it's okay.
It's not loaded.

01:14:11.906 --> 01:14:14.079
And my fucking nose
came off.

01:14:15.576 --> 01:14:17.544
Jeez, I wonder who
this place belongs to.

01:14:17.662 --> 01:14:19.630
Maybe we should find someplace else.

01:14:19.705 --> 01:14:21.707
We're in the middle
of nowhere.

01:14:21.791 --> 01:14:23.839
If we get out of here by dawn,
we should be fine, right?

01:14:26.087 --> 01:14:27.339
You play the guitar?

01:14:28.214 --> 01:14:30.717
A little bit.
I learned when I was a kid.

01:14:40.059 --> 01:14:43.063
♪ Mean ol' moon ♪

01:14:43.229 --> 01:14:45.573
♪ It must be fun ♪

01:14:46.983 --> 01:14:52.114
♪ To shine upon me
as I come undone ♪

01:14:52.738 --> 01:14:58.586
♪ Till I'm all alone
beneath the sun ♪

01:14:59.078 --> 01:15:05.256
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪

01:15:05.710 --> 01:15:11.183
♪ With your beam you led the way ♪

01:15:12.591 --> 01:15:18.098
♪ And found me love
I thought was here to stay ♪

01:15:18.347 --> 01:15:24.696
♪ Then you went and
took my love away ♪

01:15:24.770 --> 01:15:29.947
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪

01:15:30.609 --> 01:15:36.958
♪ Oh, you mean ol' stars above ♪

01:15:37.491 --> 01:15:43.589
♪ The games that
you play with me ♪

01:15:44.081 --> 01:15:49.053
♪ I could find some happiness ♪

01:15:50.129 --> 01:15:56.136
♪ If all of my nights
were cloudy ♪

01:15:56.552 --> 01:15:59.351
♪ Mean ol' moon ♪

01:15:59.847 --> 01:16:02.316
♪ I hope it's true ♪

01:16:03.768 --> 01:16:08.820
♪ You're takin' all the light
that's left in you ♪

01:16:09.482 --> 01:16:15.740
♪ And saving it up
for you know who ♪

01:16:15.821 --> 01:16:21.749
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪

01:16:22.161 --> 01:16:28.840
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪

01:16:47.353 --> 01:16:49.026
Yes!

01:17:04.787 --> 01:17:05.913
You got it.

01:17:06.205 --> 01:17:07.297
You got it!

01:17:07.540 --> 01:17:09.042
Come on, put your legs into it.

01:17:11.293 --> 01:17:13.091
There you go! Nice job!

01:17:13.170 --> 01:17:14.171
Jesus.

01:17:14.255 --> 01:17:15.677
So, listen, I got to ask.

01:17:15.756 --> 01:17:18.885
Was it just kissing last night?
Or was there finger stuff?

01:17:25.057 --> 01:17:27.526
Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.
I wish we could smoke it.

01:17:27.601 --> 01:17:28.853
Oh, we're gonna
smoke it, all right,

01:17:28.936 --> 01:17:30.153
but just stuff it
under the seat for now.

01:17:30.229 --> 01:17:31.230
We don't wanna
go to jail.

01:17:31.313 --> 01:17:32.565
Yeah, that's a good idea.

01:17:50.249 --> 01:17:51.751
Oh, what the fuck?
What are you doing?

01:17:51.917 --> 01:17:54.921
Hashtag "My amazing summer."

01:17:55.212 --> 01:17:57.010
God damn it! What the
hell's wrong with you?

01:17:57.089 --> 01:17:58.432
Oh, I fucking owe you,
you bastard.

01:17:58.507 --> 01:17:59.759
What do you mean?
I was just messing around.

01:17:59.842 --> 01:18:01.810
Oh, shut up
and suck that dick.

01:18:01.886 --> 01:18:02.887
Oh, fuck you.

01:18:30.831 --> 01:18:32.299
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

01:18:32.333 --> 01:18:34.131
Watch it. Jesus! Watch
where you're going! Yeah.

01:18:34.210 --> 01:18:37.134
It's a crosswalk, jackass!
We have the right of way!

01:18:37.213 --> 01:18:38.214
Whoa!

01:18:38.297 --> 01:18:40.641
Hey, what the hell you doing walking
around dressed like Star Wars?

01:18:40.716 --> 01:18:43.765
It's Comic Con, you idiot! We're
going to the Javits Center.

01:18:43.844 --> 01:18:45.221
You're the idiots,
because you three guys

01:18:45.304 --> 01:18:46.556
would never be
walking together!

01:18:46.639 --> 01:18:49.563
Yeah, you're his boss and
you two guys are enemies!

01:18:49.642 --> 01:18:51.269
Yeah, bite me,
Captain Kirk!

01:18:51.352 --> 01:18:53.104
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey! Come on.
That's Star Trek!

01:18:53.187 --> 01:18:54.404
Yeah, that's two
different franchises.

01:18:54.563 --> 01:18:56.110
Yeah, sorry, guys.
She doesn't know.

01:18:56.190 --> 01:18:58.568
Nah, it's okay. I'm sorry
you have to deal with that.

01:18:59.443 --> 01:19:00.990
All right, let's go.

01:19:02.238 --> 01:19:03.911
Oh, hey, come on.
It's not worth it, man.

01:19:03.989 --> 01:19:05.582
- Come on.
- It's not worth it, not worth it.

01:19:23.759 --> 01:19:26.387
This Patrick Meighan's
got a classy setup, huh?

01:19:26.470 --> 01:19:27.517
Mmm.

01:19:32.226 --> 01:19:34.854
And there is our
first impression.

01:19:35.354 --> 01:19:37.356
Ms. Jackson?
Mr. Meighan will see you now.

01:19:37.439 --> 01:19:39.032
Oh, okay. Thank you.

01:19:45.739 --> 01:19:48.117
Ah, Ms. Jackson. Do come in.

01:19:48.701 --> 01:19:50.544
Mr. Meighan,
this is such an honor.

01:19:50.703 --> 01:19:52.296
Thank you so much
for meeting with us.

01:19:52.371 --> 01:19:54.624
Not at all. It's my pleasure.
Please, sit down.

01:19:54.832 --> 01:19:56.960
Oh, this office is
fucking awesome.

01:19:57.042 --> 01:19:58.965
Yeah, totally. Hey, hey.

01:19:59.211 --> 01:20:00.463
Hey! You ever bring chicks up here?

01:20:01.380 --> 01:20:02.552
What do you think?

01:20:02.798 --> 01:20:05.893
I think I want to sleep on
a bed made of your voice.

01:20:07.553 --> 01:20:09.021
I'll get right down to it.

01:20:09.305 --> 01:20:11.103
I don't want to waste
too much of your time.

01:20:12.891 --> 01:20:15.735
Ted, I've been
reviewing your file.

01:20:16.020 --> 01:20:18.318
And while I'm sympathetic
to your cause,

01:20:18.397 --> 01:20:21.617
I'm sorry to say
I won't be taking your case.

01:20:21.734 --> 01:20:22.826
- What?
- Why?

01:20:22.901 --> 01:20:23.902
Why not?

01:20:24.028 --> 01:20:25.826
Well, it comes down to this.

01:20:27.906 --> 01:20:30.705
You want to be human
in the eyes of the law.

01:20:31.035 --> 01:20:33.413
That's a hard sell,
even for me.

01:20:33.912 --> 01:20:36.335
See, the important
thing about being human

01:20:36.415 --> 01:20:38.793
is making a contribution
to society.

01:20:38.876 --> 01:20:41.254
Assisting in
the betterment of your race.

01:20:41.628 --> 01:20:43.426
You've done none of that.

01:20:43.589 --> 01:20:45.216
I've read about your life.

01:20:45.382 --> 01:20:48.556
The drugs, the parties,
the prostitutes, the arrests.

01:20:48.635 --> 01:20:51.058
Mr. Meighan, we've come
a long way to meet you

01:20:51.138 --> 01:20:52.765
because you said
that you could help us.

01:20:53.098 --> 01:20:55.021
I said I would consider it.

01:20:55.601 --> 01:20:56.944
And I have.

01:20:58.270 --> 01:21:00.614
Ted, you're special.

01:21:00.939 --> 01:21:03.317
You could've been
an inspiration to the world.

01:21:03.484 --> 01:21:05.657
Could've been a leader,
a role model.

01:21:06.612 --> 01:21:08.239
Instead you're...

01:21:09.114 --> 01:21:10.286
Justin Bieber.

01:21:10.824 --> 01:21:11.825
Fuck you!

01:21:11.950 --> 01:21:13.202
- Hey, Ted! Come on!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

01:21:13.285 --> 01:21:15.287
- He doesn't mean that.
- Please forgive me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

01:21:15.454 --> 01:21:16.751
There's just no indication

01:21:16.830 --> 01:21:19.754
that you've had any positive
effect on the world around you.

01:21:19.917 --> 01:21:22.591
Well, that's not true.
He's had a positive effect on me.

01:21:22.753 --> 01:21:25.632
Would that positive effect
be your joint arrest

01:21:25.714 --> 01:21:28.058
for purchasing
marijuana in 2003?

01:21:28.133 --> 01:21:30.852
Well, how the fuck do you prepare
for a Foo Fighters concert?

01:21:32.679 --> 01:21:34.727
You know why
you lost this case?

01:21:36.308 --> 01:21:38.310
It can't be argued by reason.

01:21:38.685 --> 01:21:41.814
The precedent it sets would
affect the public directly.

01:21:42.022 --> 01:21:45.276
And unfortunately, the public
doesn’t judge by reason.

01:21:45.359 --> 01:21:47.578
It judges by emotion.

01:21:48.946 --> 01:21:51.790
And you can't appeal
an emotional conviction.

01:21:52.199 --> 01:21:55.669
Nonetheless, I wish you all
the best in your efforts.

01:21:57.996 --> 01:21:59.498
He needs help.

01:21:59.998 --> 01:22:01.500
And from what
I know about you,

01:22:01.667 --> 01:22:04.045
at one point in your career
that would've been enough.

01:22:04.920 --> 01:22:08.345
I'm sorry you're not
who I hoped you'd be.

01:22:17.057 --> 01:22:18.900
Are those Tootsie Rolls
just, like, to take?

01:22:21.019 --> 01:22:23.238
Those aren't
supposed to be out.

01:22:34.366 --> 01:22:36.414
So that's it.
I'm property.

01:22:37.202 --> 01:22:39.079
No rights, no nothing.

01:22:39.705 --> 01:22:42.709
Ted,dude, I'm so sorry, man.
This completely sucks.

01:22:43.083 --> 01:22:44.551
I feel terrible.

01:22:45.169 --> 01:22:47.046
I let you guys down
all over again.

01:22:47.171 --> 01:22:50.391
Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam.
You did your best.

01:22:51.592 --> 01:22:53.185
And, look, regardless
of all this shit,

01:22:53.260 --> 01:22:55.854
you're still the best thing that's
happened to me in a long time.

01:23:02.060 --> 01:23:03.061
Oh. Oh, that...

01:23:03.270 --> 01:23:04.396
That's great!
That's fucking great!

01:23:04.480 --> 01:23:05.527
I'm glad you guys
are so happy!

01:23:05.606 --> 01:23:06.653
What?

01:23:06.732 --> 01:23:08.700
What do you mean, "What?"
I'm totally screwed here.

01:23:08.775 --> 01:23:11.278
And you're sitting there
basically banging my lawyer,

01:23:11.361 --> 01:23:13.034
and she's probably
still fucking billing us!

01:23:13.113 --> 01:23:15.207
Well, don't yell at us, dude!
We didn't do anything!

01:23:15.365 --> 01:23:16.662
Yeah, exactly! Exactly!

01:23:16.742 --> 01:23:19.837
Maybe if you guys had spent a little
less time mooning over each other,

01:23:19.912 --> 01:23:22.756
Sam could've won this thing and
I wouldn't be a fucking thing!

01:23:22.831 --> 01:23:25.004
Like garbage or
a piece of shit!

01:23:25.459 --> 01:23:27.803
Hey, we've been fighting right
alongside you the whole way.

01:23:27.878 --> 01:23:28.925
And remember,
you're the one

01:23:29.004 --> 01:23:30.005
who's been pushing me
to get back on the horse.

01:23:30.088 --> 01:23:32.011
I finally meet someone and
you're giving me shit for it?

01:23:32.090 --> 01:23:33.683
Oh, no, you're right.
No, Johnny, it's fine.

01:23:33.759 --> 01:23:34.851
You're right, it's fine.
It's totally fine.

01:23:34.927 --> 01:23:37.350
I got no job,
no marriage and no life!

01:23:37.429 --> 01:23:40.524
But you have fun porking Gollum
here, while I'm left with shit!

01:23:40.682 --> 01:23:41.774
Ted!

01:23:41.934 --> 01:23:42.981
Who's Gollum?

01:23:43.060 --> 01:23:45.108
She's a model.
Ted, come back!

01:23:45.270 --> 01:23:46.362
Leave me alone!

01:23:46.480 --> 01:23:47.606
- Ted!
- Ted!

01:23:51.777 --> 01:23:52.903
Shit.

01:24:03.455 --> 01:24:04.456
Whoa.

01:24:05.457 --> 01:24:06.549
Sorry, bro.

01:24:43.829 --> 01:24:45.297
Hey, Ted!

01:24:47.332 --> 01:24:48.424
Guy?

01:24:48.500 --> 01:24:49.877
I thought that was you.
What's happening, man?

01:24:49.960 --> 01:24:51.962
Hey, Rick! It is Ted.

01:24:52.045 --> 01:24:53.092
Hey, how you doing?

01:24:53.463 --> 01:24:55.340
Hey, what's going on'?
What are you doing here?

01:24:55.465 --> 01:24:59.845
You know, I just feel at home among the
outcasts. What are you guys doing here'?

01:25:00.137 --> 01:25:02.731
Well, you know, Rick and I,
we just come here as a gag.

01:25:02.806 --> 01:25:06.151
Dress up like we're into this
shit and fuck with the nerds.

01:25:06.226 --> 01:25:07.443
Hey, spaz.

01:25:07.519 --> 01:25:10.398
Uh, why don't you go get me some Big
League Chew. How about that, huh?

01:25:14.610 --> 01:25:17.580
Uh-huh. All right, well, good
luck with your dick, there.

01:25:17.654 --> 01:25:19.031
Right on.
You, too, man.

01:25:20.073 --> 01:25:22.496
God damn it, that
underwear had shit on it!

01:25:27.372 --> 01:25:28.464
Hey.

01:25:29.041 --> 01:25:30.258
Are you Ted?

01:25:30.542 --> 01:25:32.215
Uh, yeah.

01:25:33.587 --> 01:25:34.964
This is so exciting!

01:25:35.047 --> 01:25:37.391
I was such a big fan of yours
in the early '90s.

01:25:37.633 --> 01:25:40.352
Oh, thanks a lot.
What's your name?

01:25:40.510 --> 01:25:41.978
I'm Raphael.

01:25:42.054 --> 01:25:44.056
Hey, do you think I could
take a picture with you?

01:25:44.348 --> 01:25:45.770
Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem.

01:25:45.849 --> 01:25:47.647
Great, great!
Here, follow me.

01:25:49.436 --> 01:25:51.689
Uh, okay, why are we
doing this back here?

01:25:51.855 --> 01:25:52.947
Well, you're a celebrity.

01:25:53.023 --> 01:25:55.196
I just don't want you to get
mobbed when people recognize you.

01:25:55.275 --> 01:25:58.154
Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken
for an Ewok three times today.

01:25:58.236 --> 01:25:59.283
All right,
let's do this.

01:26:04.117 --> 01:26:05.994
Holy shit! Donny!

01:26:06.453 --> 01:26:08.421
It's so good to see you, Ted.

01:26:09.414 --> 01:26:10.791
It's been some time,
hasn't it?

01:26:11.083 --> 01:26:13.256
What, you mean since
you ripped me in half?

01:26:14.252 --> 01:26:15.970
That wasn't
supposed to happen.

01:26:16.129 --> 01:26:17.631
That was an accident.

01:26:18.465 --> 01:26:20.718
I have some big plans
for you, Ted.

01:26:21.468 --> 01:26:22.936
Very big plans.

01:26:23.428 --> 01:26:25.055
I need you to come
with me now.

01:26:25.222 --> 01:26:26.189
Go to hell!

01:26:39.319 --> 01:26:41.117
Nice lunch, spaz.

01:26:50.914 --> 01:26:52.336
Hey! What the hell!

01:26:56.920 --> 01:26:58.672
He could be anywhere.
We're not gonna find him.

01:26:58.755 --> 01:27:00.052
We should just
wait by the car.

01:27:00.132 --> 01:27:01.725
What do you mean?
We have to find him, okay?

01:27:01.800 --> 01:27:03.848
He's a teddy bear on his own
in New York, for God's sakes.

01:27:07.639 --> 01:27:08.686
Hello?

01:27:08.765 --> 01:27:10.563
Johnny, Johnny, it's me.
You got to help me.

01:27:10.642 --> 01:27:12.986
Ted, where are you? Dude, we've
been looking everywhere for you.

01:27:13.186 --> 01:27:16.656
I'm at Comic Con, but, John, it's Donny!
He's here!

01:27:16.773 --> 01:27:18.241
He's after me.
You got to get over here.

01:27:18.316 --> 01:27:19.909
What the fuck?
Did you just say "Donny"?

01:27:19.985 --> 01:27:21.077
John, what's going on?

01:27:21.153 --> 01:27:22.700
Yes, It's him! He's...

01:27:24.614 --> 01:27:25.831
Oh, shit!

01:27:29.202 --> 01:27:30.829
Ted! Ted, hello?

01:27:31.079 --> 01:27:32.922
- What's the matter?
- Oh, my God. Déjà vu.

01:27:33.165 --> 01:27:34.667
We got to get to
Comic Con. Come on!

01:27:39.337 --> 01:27:41.010
Get out of the way!

01:27:52.684 --> 01:27:54.186
You know,

01:27:55.228 --> 01:27:57.401
I really love
that Neil Diamond.

01:27:58.064 --> 01:28:02.865
Especially that song they sing
at the Red Sox games.

01:28:04.654 --> 01:28:06.531
It's just so infectious.

01:28:07.115 --> 01:28:09.243
You just can't
help but sing along.

01:28:10.410 --> 01:28:14.756
♪ Hands touching hands ♪

01:28:16.333 --> 01:28:18.301
♪ Reaching out ♪

01:28:19.294 --> 01:28:24.767
♪ Touching me, touching you ♪

01:28:25.133 --> 01:28:28.808
♪ Sweet Caroline ♪

01:28:28.887 --> 01:28:30.309
♪ Bah, bah, bah! ♪

01:28:30.388 --> 01:28:31.389
Fuck!

01:28:32.098 --> 01:28:33.224
Crazy son of a bitch!

01:28:36.853 --> 01:28:37.979
Hey!

01:28:38.063 --> 01:28:39.406
What are you doing
to that bear?

01:28:39.815 --> 01:28:41.067
I'm sorry. I, uh...

01:28:41.233 --> 01:28:42.985
You better be planning
on buying that!

01:28:43.568 --> 01:28:45.787
He just reminds me
of when I was a kid.

01:28:45.862 --> 01:28:46.829
Yeah, that's great.

01:28:46.905 --> 01:28:47.906
$40.

01:28:47.989 --> 01:28:49.241
Okay.

01:28:50.408 --> 01:28:51.910
I have $40, here.

01:29:01.795 --> 01:29:02.842
You see him anywhere?

01:29:02.921 --> 01:29:04.673
No. Let's try in there.

01:29:07.759 --> 01:29:10.478
Hi. Have any of you guys seen a
talking teddy bear run through here?

01:29:10.554 --> 01:29:12.602
Shh. They're about to
announce the new Superman.

01:29:12.681 --> 01:29:15.275
The new Superman is...

01:29:15.559 --> 01:29:16.811
Jonah Hill!

01:29:17.060 --> 01:29:18.107
Fuck!

01:29:18.186 --> 01:29:19.563
- Who's Superman?
- What?

01:29:19.646 --> 01:29:21.694
I'm just kidding. I'm fucking with you.
Come on!

01:29:22.524 --> 01:29:22.740
And if that is
not big enough news,

01:29:22.732 --> 01:29:24.780
And if that is
not big enough news,

01:29:24.860 --> 01:29:27.704
Hasbro will be
unveiling a brand-new line

01:29:27.779 --> 01:29:30.623
of Transformers
merchandise next fall.

01:29:32.701 --> 01:29:34.294
We've got a brand-new
line of Decepticons...

01:29:34.369 --> 01:29:35.370
Hey!

01:29:35.453 --> 01:29:36.796
- ...that is gonna be...
- Fresh cakes.

01:29:36.872 --> 01:29:38.374
Fresh cakes.

01:29:39.457 --> 01:29:40.800
Fresh cakes.

01:29:43.086 --> 01:29:44.133
Comic Con fans,

01:29:44.212 --> 01:29:46.055
let's take a look at
this thrilling sizzle reel

01:29:46.131 --> 01:29:47.929
with all of our
exciting new toys.

01:29:48.550 --> 01:29:49.597
Take a look.

01:29:55.807 --> 01:29:58.185
Come on, there's an empty
supply room downstairs.

01:29:58.268 --> 01:29:59.269
Is that him?

01:29:59.352 --> 01:30:01.354
Yeah, there was
an issue, so he's

01:30:01.438 --> 01:30:02.906
unconscious now,
but yeah, this is him.

01:30:02.981 --> 01:30:05.200
Jesus! Why did you
bring him here?

01:30:05.275 --> 01:30:07.369
I've been following him
around since yesterday.

01:30:07.444 --> 01:30:10.914
This was the only chance I could
get him alone. I had to move fast.

01:30:10.989 --> 01:30:12.036
Hey. Ted!

01:30:13.867 --> 01:30:14.914
Is that you?

01:30:14.993 --> 01:30:16.961
Uh, yeah, he had
a little too much to drink.

01:30:17.037 --> 01:30:20.007
He puked a pile of cotton all over
this little girl in a stroller

01:30:20.081 --> 01:30:22.584
so we're gonna take him
back and sober him up.

01:30:22.667 --> 01:30:24.419
Ah, rock on, Ted.

01:30:24.502 --> 01:30:25.628
Eff yeah.

01:30:25.712 --> 01:30:29.512
Hey, guys, be careful out there.
Some nerd spilled his lunch.

01:30:30.050 --> 01:30:31.848
Hey, watch that floor.
Comes up fast, man.

01:30:38.516 --> 01:30:39.768
Hey, Johnny.

01:30:39.851 --> 01:30:40.898
Guy?

01:30:41.186 --> 01:30:43.484
Man, it's a goddamn
party here today.

01:30:43.813 --> 01:30:45.656
Hey, I remember
you from the wedding.

01:30:45.815 --> 01:30:47.692
- You get a nose job?
- No.

01:30:48.026 --> 01:30:49.699
Yes, you did,
you fucking liar.

01:30:49.778 --> 01:30:51.325
Hey, we just ran
into your buddy Ted.

01:30:51.404 --> 01:30:52.451
Ted? Where is he'?

01:30:52.530 --> 01:30:55.875
He got a little wasted, so these two
dudes took him out back to sober up.

01:30:56.034 --> 01:30:57.035
Did you see
which way they went?

01:30:57.160 --> 01:30:58.958
Yeah,yeah. Back hallway,
past the photo booth.

01:30:59.037 --> 01:31:00.163
Come on!

01:31:00.997 --> 01:31:02.214
Thirsty, Urkel?

01:31:03.541 --> 01:31:05.214
I fucking love this place.

01:31:14.219 --> 01:31:16.813
What the fuck? What the
fuck's going on here?

01:31:16.972 --> 01:31:18.064
Who the hell are you?

01:31:18.264 --> 01:31:20.642
He really is
extraordinary, isn't he?

01:31:20.725 --> 01:31:23.148
You son of a bitch!
This is kidnapping!

01:31:23.311 --> 01:31:25.063
No, it's not.

01:31:25.313 --> 01:31:29.739
Kidnapping only applies to people.
And you, Ted, you're property.

01:31:29.859 --> 01:31:31.736
Yeah, so is
that fucking hairpiece.

01:31:35.532 --> 01:31:37.079
What do you say there,
happy face?

01:31:37.242 --> 01:31:40.337
Right there. Death to Ming.
Yeah! Come on. All right.

01:31:40.412 --> 01:31:41.914
Happy guy.

01:31:42.080 --> 01:31:45.425
Right there. Death to Ming.
Good, yeah.

01:31:47.252 --> 01:31:48.504
Hey, Bennett!

01:31:49.879 --> 01:31:50.880
Oh, shit!

01:31:50.964 --> 01:31:52.432
You messed up my car.

01:31:52.507 --> 01:31:54.054
What the hell is
wrong with you?

01:31:54.134 --> 01:31:56.728
Look, Sam, this is a really bad time,
all right? Something happened to Ted.

01:31:56.803 --> 01:32:00.307
But it was a good time for you
to vandalize my Chrysler though.

01:32:00.390 --> 01:32:02.142
Hey, fuck your Chrysler!

01:32:11.484 --> 01:32:12.701
Holy shit!

01:32:12.777 --> 01:32:15.121
Look, Donny, Donny!
You don't wanna do this! Okay?

01:32:15.405 --> 01:32:17.123
Think about what
happened at Fenway.

01:32:17.198 --> 01:32:20.702
You remember? You cut me open, that's it!
I'm gone, dead!

01:32:21.286 --> 01:32:22.879
Just a regular old teddy bear.

01:32:22.954 --> 01:32:25.002
I won't be any
fun then, will I?

01:32:25.290 --> 01:32:26.963
This isn't about you, Ted.

01:32:27.500 --> 01:32:29.002
You're only one bear.

01:32:29.335 --> 01:32:31.008
We're gonna figure out
what makes you real,

01:32:31.087 --> 01:32:32.680
and then we're gonna
make millions of Teds.

01:32:32.756 --> 01:32:34.724
One for every
child in the world.

01:32:35.258 --> 01:32:36.635
One for me.

01:32:38.678 --> 01:32:41.557
One that loves me
just as much as you love John.

01:32:41.806 --> 01:32:44.400
Look, Donny,
I can never love you.

01:32:44.559 --> 01:32:47.312
God, that sounds fucked up.
Listen, I don't wanna die.

01:32:47.479 --> 01:32:48.526
Okay? So, uh...

01:32:48.897 --> 01:32:50.649
What if I gave you
a hand job outside

01:32:50.732 --> 01:32:52.484
your pants while
you ate an ice cream?

01:32:55.653 --> 01:32:57.326
I'll give you a minute.

01:33:03.661 --> 01:33:04.662
Come here!

01:33:38.279 --> 01:33:39.906
Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.

01:33:40.240 --> 01:33:41.241
Ah!

01:33:53.169 --> 01:33:54.216
Come here.

01:34:00.385 --> 01:34:01.511
Come on.

01:34:08.184 --> 01:34:10.027
I'll see you in heaven, Ted.

01:34:17.485 --> 01:34:19.158
Ted!

01:34:19.320 --> 01:34:20.367
Who the hell are you?

01:34:20.905 --> 01:34:22.782
Get away from him,
you bastard!

01:34:22.866 --> 01:34:24.960
- Ted, you okay, buddy?
- Johnny, thank God!

01:34:25.034 --> 01:34:26.035
I'm out.

01:34:26.119 --> 01:34:28.463
Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go.
Come on, we can still do this.

01:34:28.538 --> 01:34:31.166
You're on your own, Danny. I can't
be implicated in any of this.

01:34:31.249 --> 01:34:32.421
Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?

01:34:32.750 --> 01:34:34.252
I work for Mattel.

01:34:36.254 --> 01:34:37.597
You piece of shit.

01:34:37.755 --> 01:34:39.928
Killing him at Fenway Park
wasn't enough for you, huh?

01:34:40.550 --> 01:34:41.722
What do you wanna do now?

01:34:41.801 --> 01:34:45.351
You don't deserve him, John.
You never did. You never did!

01:34:45.638 --> 01:34:47.640
I've been wanting
to do this for a long time.

01:34:50.101 --> 01:34:51.148
A-ha! I fucking knew it!

01:34:52.312 --> 01:34:53.564
Come on.

01:35:05.241 --> 01:35:08.336
Listen, Johnny, I wanna
tell you how sorry I am.

01:35:08.494 --> 01:35:09.711
No, forget it, buddy.

01:35:09.787 --> 01:35:12.586
Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't
have brushed it off. I'm so sorry.

01:35:12.665 --> 01:35:13.757
No, listen to me.

01:35:13.833 --> 01:35:16.086
Just listen to me.
You, too, Sam.

01:35:16.169 --> 01:35:18.137
I acted like an asshole.

01:35:18.213 --> 01:35:21.808
All right'? I was just hurting
because I knew I'd lost.

01:35:22.592 --> 01:35:26.722
And that, in the eyes of the
world, I'll always be property.

01:35:27.472 --> 01:35:29.895
But you know what?
Who gives a shit? Right?

01:35:29.974 --> 01:35:33.274
It doesn't matter what the world calls me.
I know who I am.

01:35:33.645 --> 01:35:35.147
And that's all
that's important.

01:35:35.855 --> 01:35:37.607
And I know who my friends are.

01:35:38.024 --> 01:35:39.321
And honest to God,

01:35:39.400 --> 01:35:42.904
if you two want to be together,
nothing would make me happier.

01:35:43.279 --> 01:35:44.747
Aw, buddy,
I love you for that.

01:35:44.822 --> 01:35:46.699
Thanks, Ted. That means a lot.

01:35:48.868 --> 01:35:52.168
And for what it's worth,
as far as I'm concerned,

01:35:52.789 --> 01:35:54.006
you're a person.

01:35:54.457 --> 01:35:56.755
As much as anybody
I've ever known.

01:35:56.834 --> 01:36:01.681
Sam, that means the world coming from
someone who went to Arizona State.

01:36:18.022 --> 01:36:19.194
Ted!

01:36:28.199 --> 01:36:29.496
Holy shit! Johnny!

01:36:29.617 --> 01:36:31.460
- Oh, my God. John!
- Johnny!

01:36:31.536 --> 01:36:32.753
- John!
- Oh, Jesus!

01:36:32.829 --> 01:36:34.297
- Are you okay?
- Johnny, you all right?

01:36:34.372 --> 01:36:35.373
Shit.

01:36:35.456 --> 01:36:36.799
- John, hey.
- Oh, my God.

01:36:36.874 --> 01:36:38.126
Jesus, what happened here?

01:36:38.209 --> 01:36:39.552
The rocket ship just hit him!

01:36:39.711 --> 01:36:41.964
Jesus Christ, that's the Starship
Enterprise... Forget it.

01:36:42.046 --> 01:36:43.468
Somebody call 911!

01:36:43.548 --> 01:36:45.425
Johnny? John, come on,
stay with me, pal.

01:36:45.550 --> 01:36:47.803
We need an ambulance
at 655 West 34th.

01:36:47.885 --> 01:36:49.137
How the hell did it fall?

01:36:49.220 --> 01:36:50.221
I don't know!

01:36:53.266 --> 01:36:54.313
It was him!

01:36:54.392 --> 01:36:55.769
The guy dressed like
the Ninja Turtle!

01:37:01.190 --> 01:37:02.237
Which one?

01:37:02.400 --> 01:37:06.030
All right, two can play this Where's Waldo
shit, you son of a bitch!

01:37:06.112 --> 01:37:07.364
Sam, give me your phone.

01:37:27.592 --> 01:37:28.593
That's him.

01:37:32.555 --> 01:37:33.602
Get off me!

01:37:34.223 --> 01:37:35.475
Get off me!

01:37:37.894 --> 01:37:39.111
Johnny?

01:37:39.562 --> 01:37:40.734
Johnny, come on.

01:37:41.397 --> 01:37:43.024
Johnny, you got to
wake up, pal.

01:37:43.608 --> 01:37:44.655
Johnny, wake up!

01:37:45.401 --> 01:37:46.823
Wake up, Johnny.

01:37:47.737 --> 01:37:49.159
Johnny.

01:37:49.238 --> 01:37:50.615
Johnny, wake up!

01:37:51.991 --> 01:37:53.834
Johnny, wake up.

01:38:39.330 --> 01:38:42.174
Hi. How is he?
Is he gonna come out of it?

01:38:42.500 --> 01:38:45.379
I don't know, Ms. Jackson.
We've done everything we can

01:38:45.586 --> 01:38:47.588
and it's all up to him now.

01:38:57.682 --> 01:38:58.854
John,

01:38:59.684 --> 01:39:01.357
please wake up.

01:39:09.986 --> 01:39:10.987
Somebody help!

01:39:11.070 --> 01:39:12.617
- Oh, my God, John!
- John? Johnny?

01:39:12.780 --> 01:39:14.703
Hello?
There's something happening.

01:39:14.907 --> 01:39:15.954
Mr. Bennett?

01:39:16.409 --> 01:39:18.332
- Somethings wrong.
- What's going on? What's happening to him?

01:39:18.411 --> 01:39:19.879
- Mr. Bennett?
- John?

01:39:20.705 --> 01:39:23.049
- We have a Code Blue in Room 134!
- What does that mean?

01:39:23.124 --> 01:39:24.467
I'm sorry. You three are
gonna have to wait outside.

01:39:24.542 --> 01:39:25.794
- What the hell is going on?
- Is he gonna be okay?

01:39:25.877 --> 01:39:26.924
The doctors will do
everything they can,

01:39:27.003 --> 01:39:29.097
but I need you to go to the
waiting area now, please.

01:39:29.172 --> 01:39:30.344
Excuse me, excuse me.

01:39:30.423 --> 01:39:31.470
What's the status?

01:39:31.549 --> 01:39:33.142
He was stable a minute ago
and now he's unresponsive.

01:39:33.217 --> 01:39:35.390
The monitor says he's in asystole.
He's not breathing, no pulse.

01:39:35.470 --> 01:39:37.063
Start compressions.
Prepare to intubate.

01:39:37.180 --> 01:39:38.306
Give him a milligram
of epinephrine.

01:40:08.628 --> 01:40:10.255
I'm sorry.

01:40:11.714 --> 01:40:12.886
He didn't make it.

01:40:16.552 --> 01:40:17.644
What?

01:40:19.096 --> 01:40:20.313
Johnny.

01:40:21.057 --> 01:40:23.230
If you'd like, you can go in

01:40:23.309 --> 01:40:24.982
and say your goodbyes.

01:41:04.809 --> 01:41:06.106
Johnny.

01:41:08.312 --> 01:41:10.235
You were my thunder buddy.

01:41:12.650 --> 01:41:15.073
You were my thunder buddy
for life.

01:41:17.405 --> 01:41:21.160
And you gave up your own life
to save mine.

01:41:24.453 --> 01:41:26.205
The only problem is

01:41:28.499 --> 01:41:31.753
I don't know how
my life works without you.

01:41:36.048 --> 01:41:37.516
Goodbye, John.

01:41:40.720 --> 01:41:42.643
I got you, motherfucker!

01:41:43.889 --> 01:41:46.438
Holy shit! Zombie!
He's a fucking zombie!

01:41:47.184 --> 01:41:48.857
I totally fucking got you!

01:41:49.687 --> 01:41:50.813
Holy shit!

01:41:50.896 --> 01:41:52.739
You should have seen
your fucking face!

01:41:52.982 --> 01:41:54.234
You son of a bitch!

01:41:54.317 --> 01:41:55.819
That was fucking classic!

01:41:55.901 --> 01:41:58.825
Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because
I made you think that I was retarded!

01:41:58.904 --> 01:42:00.281
You made me think
you were retarded!

01:42:00.364 --> 01:42:01.411
Oh! Well done!

01:42:01.532 --> 01:42:03.284
Well done, man. High five.

01:42:03.367 --> 01:42:04.414
High five.

01:42:04.535 --> 01:42:06.537
What the fuck is going on?

01:42:06.621 --> 01:42:10.797
What's going on, is this guy just won
the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.

01:42:10.875 --> 01:42:13.424
You are the fucking greatest, man.
Holy shit!

01:42:13.878 --> 01:42:15.630
Wait. How was the doctor
in on it?

01:42:15.713 --> 01:42:17.807
They got me out of it with the paddles.
I was totally fine.

01:42:17.882 --> 01:42:19.259
So I talked him into
going along with the bit.

01:42:19.342 --> 01:42:21.310
Hey, Doc, it worked out
hilarious. Thanks.

01:42:21.552 --> 01:42:23.554
No problem.
We're a fun hospital.

01:42:23.846 --> 01:42:27.020
You asshole!
You think this shit is funny?

01:42:27.266 --> 01:42:28.768
Do you know how devastated
I was?

01:42:28.851 --> 01:42:30.524
I put a frowny face
on Facebook!

01:42:30.603 --> 01:42:33.026
How am I supposed to
explain that to everybody?

01:42:33.314 --> 01:42:35.362
You could change your
relationship status from "single"

01:42:35.441 --> 01:42:37.614
to "It's complicated."

01:42:38.069 --> 01:42:40.163
You're gonna have to do a lot
better than that.

01:42:41.113 --> 01:42:44.834
How about, "in a relationship
with John Bennett"?

01:42:45.618 --> 01:42:49.248
Well, we'll have
to talk about that.

01:42:54.126 --> 01:42:55.753
Okay, well, good talk.

01:43:01.258 --> 01:43:02.601
Hey, if you guys
want to bang,

01:43:02.677 --> 01:43:04.054
me and Teddy
can totally leave the room.

01:43:04.136 --> 01:43:06.389
No, no, honey, honey, they're
classy, they're not like us.

01:43:06.472 --> 01:43:08.145
They're good people.

01:43:08.349 --> 01:43:11.398
I'm happy to see everyone
has made a full recovery.

01:43:11.519 --> 01:43:12.611
- Mr. Meighan.
- What the hell?

01:43:12.687 --> 01:43:13.813
Holy shit!

01:43:13.896 --> 01:43:15.193
Is it all right
if I come in?

01:43:15.731 --> 01:43:17.153
Sure, yeah.

01:43:18.109 --> 01:43:19.486
How are you feeling, John?

01:43:19.902 --> 01:43:21.245
I'm alive.

01:43:21.779 --> 01:43:23.247
You're very lucky.

01:43:23.406 --> 01:43:25.329
I saw what you did on TV.

01:43:25.491 --> 01:43:27.619
Yeah, he saved my ass
is what he did.

01:43:27.785 --> 01:43:30.584
You know why?
Because he's a person.

01:43:30.955 --> 01:43:32.047
And no matter how many

01:43:32.123 --> 01:43:33.625
of you smart-ass Harvard
lawyers try to keep him down,

01:43:33.708 --> 01:43:34.925
you're not gonna change that.

01:43:35.000 --> 01:43:36.422
Not in our eyes.

01:43:36.627 --> 01:43:37.753
Ted is real.

01:43:38.087 --> 01:43:39.634
So you can go fuck yourself.

01:43:40.548 --> 01:43:41.845
I will.

01:43:42.466 --> 01:43:45.015
And as soon as I'm done
fucking myself,

01:43:45.386 --> 01:43:47.388
I'd like to take
your case, Ted.

01:43:47.638 --> 01:43:48.685
- What?
- Seriously?

01:43:48.764 --> 01:43:50.391
- Oh, my God!
- You heard that?

01:43:50.474 --> 01:43:52.351
- Oh, my gosh!
- I don't believe it!

01:43:53.644 --> 01:43:55.271
- Maybe we don't want you now.
- Shut up.

01:43:55.354 --> 01:43:57.322
No, yeah, we want you.
For sure, we want you.

01:43:57.398 --> 01:43:59.275
What made you
change your mind?

01:43:59.442 --> 01:44:01.570
Well, when I saw
what John did for you,

01:44:02.403 --> 01:44:05.156
that he was willing to
give his life for yours,

01:44:05.573 --> 01:44:07.575
it gave me a kick in the ass.

01:44:07.658 --> 01:44:10.878
Reminded me of why I chose
to do the kind of work I do.

01:44:12.079 --> 01:44:14.298
I'm sorry I turned you away.

01:44:14.373 --> 01:44:15.750
I was wrong.

01:44:16.500 --> 01:44:18.047
As far as I'm concerned,

01:44:18.294 --> 01:44:22.470
anyone who can inspire that
kind of love in another person

01:44:22.548 --> 01:44:24.425
deserves to be called human.

01:44:25.593 --> 01:44:26.685
You mean it?

01:44:26.761 --> 01:44:28.354
I certainly do.

01:44:29.221 --> 01:44:30.222
So,

01:44:30.514 --> 01:44:32.141
shall we get started?

01:44:42.443 --> 01:44:44.116
What defines a person?

01:44:46.530 --> 01:44:48.248
What defines property?

01:44:49.408 --> 01:44:51.035
What's the difference?

01:44:52.745 --> 01:44:57.046
The anthropologist and
ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes

01:44:57.416 --> 01:45:02.547
argues that the standards for
personhood include self-awareness,

01:45:03.214 --> 01:45:06.388
an ability to understand
complex emotions

01:45:06.717 --> 01:45:09.266
and a capacity for empathy.

01:45:11.096 --> 01:45:16.068
We're all in agreement
that Ted is self-aware.

01:45:18.479 --> 01:45:19.651
What is your name?

01:45:20.231 --> 01:45:21.778
Ted Clubber Lang.

01:45:26.487 --> 01:45:29.957
As for complex emotions
and the capacity for empathy,

01:45:30.699 --> 01:45:32.952
we all saw
the distressing images

01:45:33.035 --> 01:45:35.504
of Ted agonizing
over his fallen friend,

01:45:35.996 --> 01:45:37.043
John Bennett.

01:45:37.540 --> 01:45:39.213
In those images,

01:45:39.333 --> 01:45:44.385
Ted exhibits all of the remaining
qualities of personhood.

01:45:46.507 --> 01:45:48.885
It's right there
for anyone to see.

01:45:50.094 --> 01:45:54.474
And I believe that a just
court must, by definition,

01:45:55.307 --> 01:45:59.153
grant basic human rights
to all those who deserve them,

01:46:00.437 --> 01:46:03.156
just as
the Emancipation Proclamation

01:46:03.399 --> 01:46:06.949
and the Thirteenth Amendment
did so many years ago.

01:46:09.530 --> 01:46:12.158
So, ladies and gentlemen
of the court,

01:46:14.326 --> 01:46:16.249
I invite you

01:46:17.621 --> 01:46:19.840
to change the world.

01:46:39.435 --> 01:46:42.564
Well, Johnny, this is the second
time you've made me real.

01:46:43.314 --> 01:46:44.440
Thanks, pal.

01:46:44.523 --> 01:46:46.400
Hey, you were
always real to me, buddy.

01:46:46.567 --> 01:46:47.739
Even when you weren't.

01:46:47.902 --> 01:46:49.154
Congratulations, Ted.

01:46:49.528 --> 01:46:50.825
Thanks, Sam.

01:46:52.781 --> 01:46:53.828
Ted!

01:46:54.158 --> 01:46:56.035
- Ted!
- Ted! Over here!

01:46:56.118 --> 01:46:57.335
Ted!

01:46:58.704 --> 01:47:00.502
This is quite a victory
for you.

01:47:00.581 --> 01:47:02.675
Is there any statement
that you'd like to make

01:47:02.750 --> 01:47:04.172
now that
you're legally a person?

01:47:04.710 --> 01:47:06.132
Yes, there is.

01:47:08.547 --> 01:47:10.049
Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

01:47:10.424 --> 01:47:12.097
will you marry me?

01:47:13.677 --> 01:47:14.849
Yes.

01:47:20.559 --> 01:47:23.358
And so our story comes to an end.

01:47:23.687 --> 01:47:26.657
Ted and Tami-Lynn
were married once again,

01:47:26.732 --> 01:47:31.454
and soon afterward, they adopted
a fine, young baby boy.

01:47:31.695 --> 01:47:33.868
Johnny,
meet your new godson,

01:47:34.031 --> 01:47:35.783
Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.

01:47:35.866 --> 01:47:37.960
Oh, Teddy,
he's adorable.

01:47:38.118 --> 01:47:40.792
Oh! And we got something for him, too.
John, show him.

01:47:40.871 --> 01:47:42.293
Oh, shit, yeah. Hold on.

01:47:42.373 --> 01:47:43.841
He got you something.

01:47:45.417 --> 01:47:46.464
Huh?

01:47:46.543 --> 01:47:47.965
Oh, Johnny!

01:47:48.128 --> 01:47:50.005
Oh, Johnny, it's perfect.

01:47:50.172 --> 01:47:53.016
Hey, you know, maybe someday,
if you wish hard enough,

01:47:53.175 --> 01:47:54.518
maybe he'll come to life

01:47:54.677 --> 01:47:56.805
and you guys can do
all kinds of drugs together.

01:47:57.096 --> 01:47:58.814
That's all I want for him.

01:47:58.889 --> 01:48:02.814
Oh! It smells like somebody's
got a poopy diaper.

01:48:02.977 --> 01:48:04.194
Teddy, it's your turn
to change him.

01:48:04.478 --> 01:48:05.821
Oh, yeah, no problem.

01:48:06.605 --> 01:48:09.074
- Oh! Fuck me!
- What's the matter?

01:48:09.149 --> 01:48:10.947
That can't be normal.
He's got to be sick.

01:48:11.026 --> 01:48:12.949
He's not sick,
it's just baby doody.

01:48:13.028 --> 01:48:14.280
Yeah, that's what
babies do, Teddy.

01:48:14.405 --> 01:48:16.282
- Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
- No.

01:48:16.407 --> 01:48:17.829
Ah! right. Here, catch.

01:48:17.908 --> 01:48:20.331
Oh, Teddy, What the fuck?

01:48:20.452 --> 01:48:23.422
Holy shit! Oh, you motherfucker!

01:48:23.580 --> 01:48:26.333
Hashtag "Shit happens."

01:48:29.219 --> 01:48:59.325
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