WEBVTT
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..:: Presented by ZarFilm website ::..
.:: www.bolboljan.net ::.
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Woman, you know you're a woman
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You got to be...
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- There she is. Hey.
- Hi, guys.
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JESS: All right, baby girl. You go, baby girl.
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You go, baby girl. You go, you go get it.
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- (CHEERING)
- Yes!
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- You're my baby...
- BOTH: Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba...
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JESS: No, no, no, don't make it.
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- Oh!
- Damn it!
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Oh... Yes!
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- (GAGS) Nope. I absolute...
- I got this. I got this.
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- I absolutely can't do it.
- Come on, Jess!
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But remember, this is
a stupid frat boy ritual, so...
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Yeah, but kick their ass! (WHOOPS)
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- Yeah, fuck 'em up!
- Hey.
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- We're together.
- No.
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Cool, cool, cool.
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- (CHEERING, GROANING)
- JESS: Yes.
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- (SCREAMING, WHOOPING)
- MAN: Yeah, go, Jess!
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- Dude!
- (LAUGHING)
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Oh, God. Oh, God, Jess.
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Only two cups left.
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No, there's one cup.
You're just seeing double.
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Oh, God! There's only one cups left.
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- Oh, I can't do it. It's too much pressure.
- What?
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- I can't do it, Jess.
- Look...
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- Look at me. Look at me.
- Mmm-hmm?
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You got us through
the Wendy's drive-through
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when my car had no windshield
and three tires.
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(WHISPERS) You can do anything.
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(WHISPERING)
Yeah, but everybody's watching me,
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and I'm sweating like crazy.
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I look like a princess,
but I smell like a peasant.
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Let's go, foot job girl!
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Excuse me, she has a name! It's Alice.
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And she's my best friend,
and she's good and kind.
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BOTH: Yeah!
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Thank you,
but I did jerk off his roommate with my feet.
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I... I know.
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The key is, right foot only for, like, a while.
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- You know? Make him beg for...
- The left one. I know. Focus!
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If we win this, we will be the only girls
to ever win the Halloween tournament.
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(WHISPERS) We've got to do this.
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For womankind.
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Stop making me horny, and shoot!
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MAN: (RAPPING)
Everybody in this bitch gettin' tipsy...
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(DISTORTED WHOOSHING)
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(CHEERING)
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ALICE AND JESS: We did it!
We did it! We did it!
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- I want up! I want up! I want up!
- You deserve it.
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You've earned it.
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(WHOOPING, CHEERING)
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Here we go. All right. All right, yes!
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I'm the king of the world!
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(THUMP)
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ALL: Oh!
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BLAIR: Oh. Again?
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FRANKIE: Dude. Oh, God.
BLAIR: Jess?
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WOMAN: Are you all right?
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- Oh, my God, are you okay?
- Dude. Come on. Come on.
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- I'm fine, Mom.
- (LAUGHING) Oh, my God.
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What happened?
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Honestly, I don't even know
why we go to these stupid parties.
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I just want to hang out with you guys.
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- I know. I feel the same way.
- Yes!
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Everyone else at this college
is sloppy and gross.
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- BLAIR: Water.
- Wait, come here.
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Oh.
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- Ugh!
- Mmm. Not bad.
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- ALICE: Who's grosser?
- (RHYTHMIC WHIRRING)
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What is that?
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- What is that?
- What's happening?
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Oh, it's my vibrator,
it randomly turns on and off.
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(ALL LAUGHING)
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Oh, my God, you guys,
I'm gonna miss you so much next semester.
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- I don't want to talk about it.
- It's sad.
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- No, no, no, no.
- FRANKIE: Dude,
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Al Gore is guest-lecturing next semester.
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Maybe you don't want to go to Australia.
I don't know.
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- Yeah.
- On my 21st birthday, though,
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my dad's getting us the chopper.
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I said I don't want to talk about it.
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So I don't know what's happening.
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I don't even want to go. I just...
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It was so hard to get into
the political science program.
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And plus, my gym class
is bungee jumping, so...
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Oh, my God, wear a good bra.
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Well, look, we'll have
all of senior year together,
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and then we'll have
the rest of our lives together, so it's fine.
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- BLAIR: Yeah.
- You promise?
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You guys, our kids are gonna play together.
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- FRANKIE: Oh, my God!
- Oh, my gosh!
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- We're so lucky!
- ALICE: Get in here! Come here.
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- Oh. Mmm!
- (RHYTHMIC WHIRRING)
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- FRANKIE: Okay, that is a second vibrator.
- Yeah, I have a few.
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Just... Just, yeah.
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BLAIR: No!
JESS: Janine, no!
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- No! No! No!
- Janine, get out!
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- Come on.
- Janine!
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Oh, my God! Stop!
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- Bathroom is next-door!
- Cannot believe!
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- Every damn weekend with this!
- Stop! She's already peeing.
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ALICE: Janine!
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MAN: (SINGING)
Whoo!
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What! What!
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(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
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Hi. I'm Jessica Thayer,
and I'm running for state senate.
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Crime, underfunded schools, sewage.
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These are real problems
that our community is facing.
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Looking forward to your vote on November 3.
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Thank you.
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- It's great.
- Well, 6Ø% of the focus group
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did say that it seemed
like you wouldn't put out.
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What? Why are they being asked that?
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Don't know, but 6Ø% is, like, a lot.
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- Yeah.
- We're still so close.
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I don't understand,
Wesson literally tweeted out a dick pic.
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He apologized.
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Yes. He said, "I'm sorry, wrong dick pic,"
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- and then he tweeted out another one.
- (GRUNTS)
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Look, if Wesson wins, he's literally
gonna cut every single program
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that actually helps people.
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We know that. Right?
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But people want to vote
for someone they can relate to.
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They feel safe with Wesson.
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They want to have a beer with him.
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I'm not sure anyone
wants to have a beer with that.
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(GROANS)
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- (RINGTONE PLAYING)
- Oh.
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Hey, Alice.
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Hey. I am so excited for this trip.
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I got my IUD taken out for Miami.
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Um, is that a good idea?
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Uh, yeah. It's your bachelorette weekend.
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Jess, Wesson tweeted out another dick pic,
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and it's already got 10,0ØØ retweets.
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Alice, I... I got to call you back.
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(BEEP)
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Tulum, give her back her Kindle!
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Every fuckin' day.
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♪♪
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- Hey.
- Mmm. Hey.
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I'm so sorry. I got stuck at the office.
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It's okay.
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BOTH: Mmm.
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- I got you chicken cashew nut, extra nut.
- Oh, no.
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I ate an apple
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and a bag of very, very
stale pretzels at the office.
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It was so hard to get extra nut.
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That woman is so mean.
She yells at me all the time.
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She thought I hung up,
but I heard her call me a dipshit.
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- How much did you tip?
- 2Ø%.
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- I know. I know, I know.
- Yeah. Like, I couldn't. I...
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- You're just such a good person.
- (RINGTONE PLAYING)
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Oh, it's Alice. I forgot to call her back.
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- It's okay, get it.
- No. I can't, I can't, I can't.
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- Enough with my bachelorette itinerary.
- Ah.
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- Like, she's planned it to the half hour.
- Wow.
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Yeah, I feel like this weekend
has come at the worst possible time.
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I'm so stressed out.
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You'll see your friends, you'll have fun.
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It'll be restorative.
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Like that time we took Xanax
and slept for 16 hours.
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Oh, God, that was good.
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(SIGHS) You know, I love those girls,
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but I really just don't want to
have a party weekend right now.
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- Mmm-hmm.
- I want to have a weekend with you.
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- I miss you.
- Mmm-hmm. I miss you, too.
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- You've been at the office, like, nonstop.
- I know.
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Mmm.
00:07:29.325 --> 00:07:31.369
Mmm. Mmm.
00:07:32.036 --> 00:07:34.038
Wait, wait, one... If we keep kissing,
00:07:34.122 --> 00:07:35.498
I'm gonna want to have sex.
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I'm okay with that.
00:07:36.916 --> 00:07:38.292
- I'm down.
- Okay.
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But I have, like, four things
I have to do before.
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I just have to print out those itineraries
for the city council meeting.
00:07:44.924 --> 00:07:46.801
And I have to email the Herald.
00:07:46.884 --> 00:07:50.304
I have, like, a 25-minute-ish interview.
00:07:50.388 --> 00:07:51.597
- Ooh. Okay.
- I...
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I tell you what, I'm gonna let you do all that,
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and I'm gonna go masturbate
in the shower and go to sleep.
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- Really?
- Yeah.
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- You're the best.
- Well...
00:08:01.649 --> 00:08:04.068
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
00:08:06.404 --> 00:08:09.031
JESS: So, I texted you the address.
ALICE: Jess! Shots! Shots!
00:08:09.115 --> 00:08:11.367
Shots, shots, shots, shots! Shots! Shots!
00:08:11.450 --> 00:08:13.870
- Shots, shots, shots!
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
00:08:13.995 --> 00:08:16.956
- ALICE: Yay! Yes!
- (BOTH LAUGH)
00:08:17.039 --> 00:08:18.374
Oh, my God.
00:08:18.457 --> 00:08:20.668
- What's on my head?
- This is it.
00:08:20.751 --> 00:08:22.420
Your bachelorette weekend.
00:08:22.503 --> 00:08:25.548
I have been waiting for this moment
since the first day of freshman year.
00:08:26.007 --> 00:08:28.092
- Get in here.
- You have?
00:08:28.217 --> 00:08:31.637
Oh, my God, there's gonna be
so many hot Miami babes.
00:08:31.721 --> 00:08:33.598
We are gonna be swimmin' in dick, girl!
00:08:34.098 --> 00:08:35.641
Hi, Alice.
00:08:35.766 --> 00:08:37.351
- Peter. Hi.
- Hey.
00:08:37.435 --> 00:08:39.061
And get out of here, she's mine now.
00:08:40.938 --> 00:08:42.523
Don't get in too much trouble, okay?
00:08:42.732 --> 00:08:44.984
- Yeah, I won't.
- Let's go, let's do it.
00:08:45.109 --> 00:08:46.736
Drive safe.
Have fun at your bachelor party, okay?
00:08:46.819 --> 00:08:47.904
Will do.
00:08:47.987 --> 00:08:49.530
Hey, Alice, be careful swimming
in all that dick.
00:08:49.614 --> 00:08:51.073
ALICE: What are you? Okay, bye.
00:08:51.782 --> 00:08:53.117
I'm so happy to see you.
00:08:53.451 --> 00:08:55.912
Oh, this weekend's gonna be so much fun.
00:08:55.995 --> 00:08:57.955
Can't wait to see my girls!
00:08:58.080 --> 00:09:01.542
When the pepper spray
hits your face, and it will,
00:09:01.626 --> 00:09:03.711
keep your mouth closed tight.
00:09:03.794 --> 00:09:05.880
- We are peaceful protestors.
- Yes!
00:09:05.963 --> 00:09:08.382
Yet we fight, you know? Yet we are strong!
00:09:08.466 --> 00:09:09.967
- Yeah! Yeah!
- This is war!
00:09:10.092 --> 00:09:12.845
- (ALARM BEEPING)
- Okay, I got to head to a bachelorette.
00:09:13.137 --> 00:09:15.973
But if anybody from the group disappears
from the protest,
00:09:16.057 --> 00:09:18.309
you text my cell phone immediately.
00:09:19.477 --> 00:09:20.728
You have a cell phone?
00:09:21.062 --> 00:09:22.730
- Uh, no.
- You're one of them!
00:09:22.813 --> 00:09:23.814
(FRANKIE GROANS)
00:09:24.857 --> 00:09:26.817
I'll pick you up after school
on Monday, okay, sweetie?
00:09:27.276 --> 00:09:29.403
Mommy, do you have to go to Miami?
00:09:29.820 --> 00:09:32.114
Yes, I really do.
00:09:32.198 --> 00:09:34.450
But I'm gonna miss you so much.
00:09:34.533 --> 00:09:37.078
Technically, my time started 2Ø minutes ago,
00:09:37.161 --> 00:09:39.997
so, going to note this
for the custody hearing.
00:09:41.791 --> 00:09:44.835
Mmm. I love you. Mwah! Mwah!
00:09:45.503 --> 00:09:46.545
Bye.
00:09:46.629 --> 00:09:47.880
♪♪
00:09:55.596 --> 00:09:57.682
Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the conga
00:09:57.765 --> 00:09:59.767
I know you can't control
yourself any longer...
00:09:59.934 --> 00:10:01.727
♪♪
00:10:02.186 --> 00:10:04.063
Well, well, well.
00:10:05.022 --> 00:10:06.232
Damn.
00:10:06.315 --> 00:10:07.817
Damn.
00:10:08.150 --> 00:10:09.151
How do you do it?
00:10:09.235 --> 00:10:11.779
How do you look
this flawless getting off a plane?
00:10:11.904 --> 00:10:13.281
It's honestly rude.
00:10:13.364 --> 00:10:14.740
What, are you flirting with me?
00:10:15.241 --> 00:10:17.868
I would not flirt with a happily
married woman who broke my heart.
00:10:17.952 --> 00:10:20.788
Oh, my God, you broke up with me,
don't even start with that.
00:10:20.871 --> 00:10:24.125
Excuse me,
now you are flirting with me, okay?
00:10:24.208 --> 00:10:25.960
It's good to see you.
00:10:26.711 --> 00:10:28.129
It's good to see you, too.
00:10:28.671 --> 00:10:30.464
Girl, I have had a day.
00:10:30.548 --> 00:10:34.093
First was full, I had to ride business.
It was disgusting.
00:10:34.176 --> 00:10:35.386
(LAUGHS)
00:10:35.803 --> 00:10:38.264
- Gross.
- You're serious. Okay. Cool.
00:10:38.389 --> 00:10:42.059
Oh, my God, did you hear
Alice is making us go to a foam party?
00:10:42.143 --> 00:10:43.185
Ugh! I know.
00:10:43.269 --> 00:10:45.313
She has a scary amount of time
on her hands.
00:10:45.521 --> 00:10:47.940
Even though she's a full-time teacher,
I'm still like, "Get a job."
00:10:48.024 --> 00:10:49.525
Do you have a job?
00:10:50.067 --> 00:10:53.070
Activism is a full-time job, but...
00:10:53.612 --> 00:10:55.156
- Also no.
- Mmm-hmm.
00:10:55.239 --> 00:10:57.158
Look at them, the magic is still there.
00:10:57.241 --> 00:10:58.367
- Hello!
- Hello!
00:10:58.659 --> 00:11:01.037
- Hi!
- Hi! Yes! Yes!
00:11:01.120 --> 00:11:03.247
(SHOUTS, LAUGHTER)
00:11:03.331 --> 00:11:06.167
- Oh, my God!
- It is all happening!
00:11:06.292 --> 00:11:08.294
Mmm! God, you smell so good.
00:11:08.377 --> 00:11:10.504
- I have, like, half a pound of weed in my bra.
- Ah.
00:11:10.588 --> 00:11:14.508
- Hey, Alice, how's your mom?
- Well, Alzheimer's is tough, but she's good.
00:11:14.592 --> 00:11:15.760
Good.
00:11:15.843 --> 00:11:18.512
The Wallace 5th Floor Girls
are back together again!
00:11:18.596 --> 00:11:20.514
(WHOOPING, LAUGHING)
00:11:20.598 --> 00:11:22.391
God, when was the last time
we were all together?
00:11:22.475 --> 00:11:23.976
I think it was two summers ago
00:11:24.060 --> 00:11:25.770
when we came to visit you
in your tree, right?
00:11:25.895 --> 00:11:27.980
No, no, no, 'cause Jess
couldn't make it, it was, uh,
00:11:28.064 --> 00:11:29.857
New Year's Eve, when Blair was in labor.
00:11:30.316 --> 00:11:32.902
- Oh, my God. Crazy.
- God, that was three years ago, then.
00:11:32.985 --> 00:11:34.820
Yeah. Well, we only have 55 hours,
00:11:34.904 --> 00:11:37.656
so let's stop wasting our motherfucking time
00:11:37.782 --> 00:11:39.784
and let's get the party started.
00:11:40.868 --> 00:11:42.411
- Yes!
- Alice, you rock!
00:11:42.495 --> 00:11:44.080
- The party starts now.
- (CORK POPS)
00:11:44.163 --> 00:11:46.123
(PANICKED SHOUTS, SCREAMS)
00:11:47.416 --> 00:11:49.126
Oh, my God. That was a bad idea.
00:11:49.210 --> 00:11:51.128
- Yeah, we're in an airport.
- That was bad.
00:11:51.212 --> 00:11:52.880
- That sounded like a gunshot.
- Yeah.
00:11:52.963 --> 00:11:54.006
- Let's go.
- Yep.
00:11:54.090 --> 00:11:55.091
JESS: Sorry. Our bad.
00:11:55.174 --> 00:11:56.300
ALICE: Sorry, everyone,
bachelorette weekend.
00:11:56.884 --> 00:11:59.929
FRANKIE: I was never here! Never! Move!
00:12:00.012 --> 00:12:02.515
(CONGA PLAYING)
00:12:02.681 --> 00:12:04.767
♪♪
00:12:07.728 --> 00:12:09.647
Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the conga
00:12:09.730 --> 00:12:11.232
I know you can't control yourself any longer
00:12:11.315 --> 00:12:12.733
BLAIR: Ooh.
FRANKIE: Wow.
00:12:12.817 --> 00:12:15.861
ALICE: Nice Miami house, mami.
BLAIR: Very nice.
00:12:15.986 --> 00:12:17.905
FRANKIE: Oh, gracias.
JESS: Um...
00:12:17.988 --> 00:12:20.991
We are supposed to pick up
the keys from the neighbors.
00:12:21.909 --> 00:12:23.244
ALICE: Did you bring a bathing suit?
00:12:23.327 --> 00:12:24.537
JESS: Hello?
ALICE: The beach is nice.
00:12:24.620 --> 00:12:25.621
Hi.
00:12:25.704 --> 00:12:27.456
Sorry, somebody left some keys for...
00:12:27.540 --> 00:12:29.250
- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, sorry, we'll come back.
00:12:29.333 --> 00:12:31.168
- So sorry.
- LEA: Oh, hi, girls.
00:12:31.252 --> 00:12:32.837
No, no, I'm sorry.
00:12:33.295 --> 00:12:35.214
Let me put something on.
00:12:35.506 --> 00:12:36.507
FRANKIE: Oh.
00:12:36.632 --> 00:12:38.092
- LEA: Come on in.
- Very funny.
00:12:38.175 --> 00:12:39.385
- Is it really?
- I love it.
00:12:39.468 --> 00:12:40.970
- Hello.
- Hi.
00:12:41.053 --> 00:12:42.930
- Thank you. Oh.
- Hi. Oh.
00:12:43.013 --> 00:12:44.056
Okay.
00:12:44.181 --> 00:12:45.266
What brings you to Miami?
00:12:45.891 --> 00:12:47.685
Business? Pleasure?
00:12:48.352 --> 00:12:49.478
The business of pleasure?
00:12:49.687 --> 00:12:51.397
Oh, bachelorette weekend.
00:12:51.480 --> 00:12:53.691
- Jess is getting married.
- Ah.
00:12:53.858 --> 00:12:55.526
- Congratulations!
- JESS: Thank you.
00:12:55.609 --> 00:12:56.861
This marriage, will it be open?
00:12:57.778 --> 00:12:59.113
You know, we haven't discussed it.
00:12:59.196 --> 00:13:01.115
But, probably closed. Yeah.
00:13:01.198 --> 00:13:02.992
Tightly, tightly closed.
00:13:03.075 --> 00:13:05.786
Lea, does she not remind you
00:13:05.870 --> 00:13:08.038
of our French girl from Turks and Caicos?
00:13:08.164 --> 00:13:10.541
- Oh.
- She does.
00:13:11.083 --> 00:13:12.418
Thank you. Thanks.
00:13:13.878 --> 00:13:16.046
Well, we're gonna try to keep it down.
00:13:16.130 --> 00:13:18.007
- BLAIR: Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, well, we'll try not to.
00:13:18.090 --> 00:13:19.550
- ALICE: Oh.
- (LAUGHTER)
00:13:19.633 --> 00:13:20.759
Ah! Yes!
00:13:20.843 --> 00:13:21.886
- They're serious.
- Go. Go, go, downstairs.
00:13:22.845 --> 00:13:24.430
She is delicious.
00:13:24.972 --> 00:13:26.891
- I want that.
- Mmm.
00:13:28.142 --> 00:13:30.060
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
00:13:30.769 --> 00:13:32.563
Ooh, yes.
00:13:32.897 --> 00:13:35.483
Oh, Real World, baby! Miami!
00:13:35.566 --> 00:13:38.319
Ew. This house represents everything I hate.
00:13:38.402 --> 00:13:39.987
I'm gonna go take a protest dump.
00:13:40.070 --> 00:13:42.031
I call the room next to Jess! Ah.
00:13:42.406 --> 00:13:43.866
Oh, I think that room has bunk beds,
00:13:43.949 --> 00:13:45.075
so you're gonna have to share with Pippa.
00:13:45.493 --> 00:13:46.535
Uh, who that?
00:13:47.119 --> 00:13:49.413
Pippa, my Australian friend
from semester abroad.
00:13:49.497 --> 00:13:51.207
She's been CC'd on, like, every single email.
00:13:51.290 --> 00:13:52.917
Oh, right.
00:13:53.000 --> 00:13:54.877
Well, if my snoring bothers her,
she can take the couch.
00:13:54.960 --> 00:13:56.879
Or she can just start on the couch
and we'll go from there.
00:13:56.962 --> 00:13:58.589
We'll figure it out. She'll start on the couch.
00:14:00.007 --> 00:14:01.091
- JESS: Blair.
- What?
00:14:01.175 --> 00:14:04.345
Can you be careful with the red wine
on the white carpet, please?
00:14:04.428 --> 00:14:06.555
My biggest and only donor
00:14:06.639 --> 00:14:08.474
generously lent us this house
for the weekend.
00:14:08.891 --> 00:14:11.268
- So, please be careful.
- Okay.
00:14:11.352 --> 00:14:13.854
I'm telling you, she's got bigger problems
than a wine stain
00:14:13.938 --> 00:14:16.440
if she wants to sell this place
for 3.4 in this market.
00:14:16.774 --> 00:14:18.734
- How do you know that?
- Zillow.
00:14:18.817 --> 00:14:20.903
- I Zillow everybody.
- Really?
00:14:20.986 --> 00:14:23.113
Like, do you know
how much my house is worth?
00:14:24.031 --> 00:14:25.824
- Mmm-hmm.
- ALICE: Okay, atención.
00:14:26.158 --> 00:14:27.660
Bachelorette kit time.
00:14:27.785 --> 00:14:28.953
Let me get your attention.
00:14:29.036 --> 00:14:30.371
We got it all.
00:14:30.454 --> 00:14:33.082
Bride-to-be bathrobe for our lovely Jess,
00:14:33.374 --> 00:14:37.545
penis straws, penis sunglasses,
penis sprinkles, penis gum,
00:14:37.628 --> 00:14:39.547
penis hats, penis pasta.
00:14:39.630 --> 00:14:41.799
And yes, I did get a little
drunk and ate some of that dry.
00:14:42.383 --> 00:14:44.385
- Don't judge.
- No judgment.
00:14:44.718 --> 00:14:46.971
Also, I wrote you a card.
But don't read it now, read it later.
00:14:47.429 --> 00:14:48.931
- Thanks, Alice.
- Yeah.
00:14:49.014 --> 00:14:50.599
(FRANKIE SCREAMS UPSTAIRS)
00:14:50.808 --> 00:14:52.977
Oh, shit. Frankie?
00:14:53.811 --> 00:14:55.896
- Frankie?
- Frankie.
00:14:55.980 --> 00:14:57.398
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!
00:14:58.357 --> 00:14:59.483
- What?
- JESS: Oh!
00:14:59.567 --> 00:15:01.402
BLAIR: Oh, my God.
FRANKIE: Oh, yes, mami.
00:15:01.485 --> 00:15:03.153
Is that a sex swing?
00:15:03.237 --> 00:15:05.406
Ooh, your donor is a freak, Jess.
00:15:05.489 --> 00:15:07.199
Please. She rents this house out.
00:15:07.283 --> 00:15:09.076
I'm sure somebody else
left it here accidentally.
00:15:09.159 --> 00:15:11.745
And installed a load-bearing beam
to support it accidentally.
00:15:11.829 --> 00:15:13.080
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God, Jess.
00:15:13.163 --> 00:15:14.748
I want to audition some dresses for tonight.
00:15:14.832 --> 00:15:16.333
I brought 14. Come on!
00:15:16.417 --> 00:15:17.418
WOMAN: (SINGING)
Yeah, I wanna burn
00:15:17.501 --> 00:15:19.461
Break, crash, explode
00:15:19.545 --> 00:15:22.214
Every time you look at me, you look at me...
00:15:22.298 --> 00:15:23.257
Jess, if you are working,
00:15:23.340 --> 00:15:25.217
- I'm gonna smack you in the face right now.
- I'm not. I'm not.
00:15:25.301 --> 00:15:26.427
- One second.
- I'm gonna smack your face.
00:15:26.510 --> 00:15:28.679
- Wait, wait, let me send it. Send, send, send.
- Put it down.
00:15:28.804 --> 00:15:30.598
All right, come on, let's take a picture.
00:15:30.681 --> 00:15:33.392
- Say, um, "Miami forever."
- Uh, forever.
00:15:33.475 --> 00:15:34.602
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- (ALICE CHUCKLES)
00:15:34.685 --> 00:15:37.104
- You want us in the picture or not?
- Do you guys want us in the photo...
00:15:37.187 --> 00:15:39.023
- We're here, too.
- ALICE: Oh, my gosh,
00:15:39.106 --> 00:15:40.107
- we both look killer in that.
- Cool.
00:15:40.190 --> 00:15:41.984
I'm so bummed I can't tag you
in this, on Facebook.
00:15:42.067 --> 00:15:43.402
Why did you delete your account?
00:15:43.485 --> 00:15:45.279
I had to. You were, you were tagging me
00:15:45.362 --> 00:15:47.698
- on things that could literally ruin my career.
- (LAUGHS)
00:15:47.781 --> 00:15:48.991
- Yeah.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
00:15:49.074 --> 00:15:50.492
It's Pip! She's here!
00:15:50.576 --> 00:15:52.620
- What? Who's that?
- Hi!
00:15:52.703 --> 00:15:53.829
- JESS: Pip!
- Oh.
00:15:53.954 --> 00:15:55.205
(SQUEALS SOFTLY)
00:15:55.873 --> 00:15:57.041
Sorry. Whoops.
00:15:57.124 --> 00:15:58.167
- I'm sorry. Whoops.
- MAN: Hey.
00:15:58.792 --> 00:16:01.503
Hello, hello, hello.
00:16:01.670 --> 00:16:02.963
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
00:16:03.047 --> 00:16:04.048
(BOTH SQUEAL)
00:16:04.632 --> 00:16:08.302
- (LAUGHS)
- You're a goddess. You're literally a goddess.
00:16:08.385 --> 00:16:09.595
- Guys...
- Hi.
00:16:09.678 --> 00:16:11.555
This is Pippa.
00:16:11.639 --> 00:16:12.973
- Hello.
- BLAIR: The famous...
00:16:13.057 --> 00:16:14.892
Frankie, Blair, Alice.
00:16:15.059 --> 00:16:16.226
Hey, what's up?
00:16:16.310 --> 00:16:18.562
My God, you guys are meeting
for the first time, this is so exciting.
00:16:18.646 --> 00:16:20.189
- I know.
- Nice to meet you.
00:16:20.272 --> 00:16:23.984
This is so weird, you guys,
because it's sort of like
00:16:24.068 --> 00:16:26.695
you're all Jess's best friends,
I'm Jess's best friend.
00:16:26.779 --> 00:16:30.616
And so it's sort of like
we're all already best friends, you know?
00:16:30.699 --> 00:16:33.035
Well, it's a little different for us,
sorry to interrupt,
00:16:33.118 --> 00:16:35.996
but, uh, Jess and I were
freshman year roommates,
00:16:36.080 --> 00:16:38.415
so it's kind of like family. Eh.
00:16:38.666 --> 00:16:41.835
- I know, I know.
- Um, okay, I'm going to grab a chair.
00:16:41.919 --> 00:16:43.212
Feel free to gel.
00:16:43.295 --> 00:16:45.089
PIPPA: Just gonna sit on my suitcase here.
00:16:45.381 --> 00:16:47.216
Ooh. I'm famished.
00:16:47.299 --> 00:16:49.218
- Do you want my leftovers?
- Oh, shoot. We just finished.
00:16:49.301 --> 00:16:50.886
No, I was gonna wrap that up
and take it to go.
00:16:50.969 --> 00:16:52.429
I think we're done. Check, please!
00:16:52.888 --> 00:16:56.725
It's okay. I'm just gonna take
some of this bread from the bread basket.
00:16:56.809 --> 00:16:59.395
When you got bread and Vegemite,
you got yourself a meal.
00:16:59.478 --> 00:17:00.979
What? Vegemite?
00:17:01.063 --> 00:17:03.315
They should call you cuckoos
instead of Kiwis.
00:17:03.399 --> 00:17:04.525
Am I right?
00:17:04.608 --> 00:17:05.734
- Alice.
- Oh, my God.
00:17:05.818 --> 00:17:07.236
That's funny on several levels,
00:17:07.319 --> 00:17:10.447
because I'm actually Australian
and a Kiwi is a New Zealander.
00:17:10.781 --> 00:17:13.492
There's nothing wrong with being a Kiwi,
we all love Kiwis,
00:17:13.575 --> 00:17:16.704
but, um, it's sort of like calling
a Chinese person Japanese.
00:17:16.787 --> 00:17:18.539
It's just sort of like, little bit racist
00:17:18.622 --> 00:17:21.417
to not recognize the cultural
differences there, you know?
00:17:21.500 --> 00:17:22.626
Oh, my gosh.
00:17:22.751 --> 00:17:24.795
Eat me out. It's a fruit, Kiwi.
00:17:24.878 --> 00:17:26.630
(LAUGHS) I'll take it.
00:17:27.172 --> 00:17:28.257
Pippa, what do you do?
00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:31.343
Well, singer-songwriter is the dream.
00:17:31.427 --> 00:17:33.262
Uh, party clown is the reality.
00:17:34.304 --> 00:17:36.640
- Hmm.
- Check. Just, anyone, a check.
00:17:37.141 --> 00:17:38.350
(WHISPERS) A chair.
00:17:38.434 --> 00:17:40.060
(MOUTH FULL) Oh, a chair.
00:17:40.144 --> 00:17:42.396
Right. (SIGHS)
00:17:43.063 --> 00:17:45.149
I'm so excited to see you. It's been so long.
00:17:45.232 --> 00:17:46.900
- Tell me everything.
- I'm dying.
00:17:46.984 --> 00:17:49.319
The flight was literally amazoir.
00:17:49.403 --> 00:17:51.989
- (SILVERWARE TAPPING GLASS)
- Ding, ding, ding, ding, da-dang, ding, ding.
00:17:52.156 --> 00:17:54.032
Uh, it's toast, toast time.
00:17:54.158 --> 00:17:55.409
- JESS: Oh.
- (LAUGHS)
00:17:55.492 --> 00:17:57.828
Raise your glasses, Jess.
00:17:57.911 --> 00:18:00.164
Gosh, I can't believe you're getting married.
00:18:00.247 --> 00:18:02.916
Feels like just yesterday
you were showing me
00:18:03.000 --> 00:18:05.794
how to hide that cat scratch on my face
with that cover-up.
00:18:05.878 --> 00:18:07.129
I remember that.
00:18:07.212 --> 00:18:08.922
And even though we don't
get to see you all the time
00:18:09.006 --> 00:18:12.050
because you're so busy
with Peter and the campaign
00:18:12.134 --> 00:18:15.220
and changing your Brita filters
or whatever it is you white people do,
00:18:16.138 --> 00:18:19.016
(VOICE BREAKS) I love you,
and you're my best friend.
00:18:21.018 --> 00:18:24.188
Uh... To me and Jess.
00:18:24.563 --> 00:18:26.064
- Be-cheers.
- BLAIR: Cheers. Again.
00:18:26.148 --> 00:18:27.357
I love you, Alice. Thank you.
00:18:27.858 --> 00:18:29.651
Three toasts is the limit tonight, though.
You're cut off.
00:18:29.735 --> 00:18:30.944
If you're gonna do another one, do it now,
00:18:31.028 --> 00:18:32.112
'cause I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
00:18:32.196 --> 00:18:34.281
- Do you want to come?
- Why would I come with you?
00:18:34.364 --> 00:18:36.366
It's a heteronormative thing that girls do.
00:18:37.159 --> 00:18:38.952
ALICE: Okay, guys,
no one responded to my emails
00:18:39.036 --> 00:18:40.746
about which club we were gonna go to,
00:18:40.829 --> 00:18:43.957
so I printed out the top 1Ø according to Yelp.
00:18:44.041 --> 00:18:47.294
I have my personal favorite,
but I don't want to sway anyone, so...
00:18:47.377 --> 00:18:49.213
- Is it the one that's circled in big red?
- Yeah.
00:18:49.505 --> 00:18:53.926
I was kind of hoping that
we could make it an early night.
00:18:54.551 --> 00:18:56.929
(LAUGHS) Yeah, right. What?
00:18:57.012 --> 00:18:59.348
- That doesn't feel right.
- No, I'm just so exhausted.
00:18:59.431 --> 00:19:00.641
I mean, I've been so overworked...
00:19:00.724 --> 00:19:02.684
No, not gonna happen, baby girl, all right?
00:19:02.768 --> 00:19:06.647
'Cause this is the biggest weekend
of our lives, all right?
00:19:07.523 --> 00:19:09.191
Ooh, girls. Ooh, girls.
00:19:09.274 --> 00:19:10.943
Hi. I just got some coke from the busboy.
00:19:11.068 --> 00:19:12.277
- You fucking what?
- What?
00:19:12.361 --> 00:19:13.821
America. Already?
00:19:13.904 --> 00:19:15.656
Sort of right on the nose.
00:19:15.739 --> 00:19:17.491
- Yes, okay, now we're talking.
- Ba-bam! Booyah!
00:19:17.574 --> 00:19:18.742
Now, okay, I'm in. I'm in.
00:19:18.826 --> 00:19:21.745
Okay, guys, I can't do any cocaine.
00:19:21.829 --> 00:19:23.121
I'm running for office.
00:19:23.205 --> 00:19:24.790
What? No one's gonna find out
you did a little coke...
00:19:24.873 --> 00:19:27.167
- Stop.
- Did a little coke at your bachelorette.
00:19:27.251 --> 00:19:30.337
I haven't really done drugs
myself since I sort of...
00:19:30.420 --> 00:19:33.549
I smoked this bit of shoji root
00:19:33.632 --> 00:19:36.969
on an excursion in the desert, and I died.
00:19:38.178 --> 00:19:40.055
Anyway, I'm very jet-lagged,
00:19:40.138 --> 00:19:41.598
so I will do cocaine, yes.
00:19:41.932 --> 00:19:43.600
- So everyone's in? Yep?
- Dope, dope, dope.
00:19:43.684 --> 00:19:45.602
You guys, hold on. I don't know.
00:19:45.686 --> 00:19:48.981
Stop being a stupid fucking cunt
and do a little fucking cocaine!
00:19:49.064 --> 00:19:50.482
- (SILVERWARE CLATTERS)
- Jesus, Frankie.
00:19:51.066 --> 00:19:52.734
Sorry, I did a little bit of it.
00:19:53.277 --> 00:19:54.444
(SNIFFS)
00:19:54.528 --> 00:19:55.654
ALICE: Jess.
00:19:57.573 --> 00:19:59.074
It would mean...
00:19:59.950 --> 00:20:01.076
(WHISPERS) Yeah.
00:20:01.994 --> 00:20:04.079
It would mean so much to me,
00:20:05.956 --> 00:20:08.876
if we could do a little bit of cocaine together.
00:20:09.501 --> 00:20:10.836
♪♪
00:20:10.961 --> 00:20:12.296
(ALL INHALING DEEPLY)
00:20:12.504 --> 00:20:14.715
- (GRUNTS) So disgusting!
- (FRANKIE COUGHING)
00:20:14.798 --> 00:20:16.133
- Let me get a little more.
- Yep.
00:20:16.216 --> 00:20:20.429
Before, I was very tired,
and now I'm sort of very awake.
00:20:21.305 --> 00:20:22.514
That's the cocaine.
00:20:22.598 --> 00:20:23.807
- (CHUCKLES) I figured.
- Yeah.
00:20:23.891 --> 00:20:26.143
I love this. I love Miami!
00:20:26.226 --> 00:20:27.519
- Yeah, girl!
- Miami!
00:20:27.644 --> 00:20:30.147
(ALL WHOOPING)
00:20:30.522 --> 00:20:31.815
Whoo!
00:20:32.065 --> 00:20:34.318
Okay, now put on these fucking sashes.
00:20:34.860 --> 00:20:37.529
(TROUBLE BY NEON JUNGLE PLAYING)
00:20:42.743 --> 00:20:43.744
Trouble
00:20:43.827 --> 00:20:46.413
I don't look for trouble,
but trouble looks for me
00:20:46.496 --> 00:20:50.250
And it's been waiting
around corners since I was 17
00:20:50.334 --> 00:20:54.713
They say, "Here comes a hurricane
Trouble is her middle name"
00:20:54.796 --> 00:20:57.716
But I don't look for trouble,
yeah, trouble looks for me
00:20:57.841 --> 00:20:58.800
Hey, hey
00:20:58.884 --> 00:21:01.053
I just want to live a quiet life
00:21:01.136 --> 00:21:02.846
I'll make an excellent wife
00:21:02.971 --> 00:21:05.682
Man, I swear I really try
00:21:06.099 --> 00:21:08.435
But some boys, they just can't eat it whole
00:21:08.560 --> 00:21:10.270
Trouble is my name, you know
00:21:10.354 --> 00:21:12.356
Trouble is my name, you know
00:21:12.522 --> 00:21:13.899
(CHEERING)
00:21:15.692 --> 00:21:17.027
- Thank you!
- All right.
00:21:17.653 --> 00:21:19.655
(PIPPA VOCALIZING)
00:21:21.365 --> 00:21:22.366
Mmm.
00:21:22.699 --> 00:21:25.160
- (BURPS, GROANS)
- Oh, my God!
00:21:25.243 --> 00:21:26.995
- (SCREAMING)
- Yes, yes, yes!
00:21:27.079 --> 00:21:29.331
- Oh, my God!
- No, no, no.
00:21:29.414 --> 00:21:30.832
Man, it smells like barf over here.
00:21:30.916 --> 00:21:32.626
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
- God!
00:21:32.709 --> 00:21:35.295
(KNOCKOUT BLURRY
BY MARKAHOLIC PLAYING)
00:21:35.879 --> 00:21:37.047
Blurry
00:21:39.466 --> 00:21:41.593
Blurry, blurry
00:21:44.888 --> 00:21:46.390
Blurry
00:21:48.558 --> 00:21:50.227
Blurry, blurry
00:21:50.602 --> 00:21:52.354
Knock 'em back, one, two
00:21:52.437 --> 00:21:53.897
But it's gettin' kinda blurry
00:21:53.981 --> 00:21:55.315
Get blurry with it
00:21:55.399 --> 00:21:56.733
Got my eyes on you
00:21:56.817 --> 00:21:59.903
But you're gettin' kinda blurry,
no hurry with it
00:21:59.987 --> 00:22:02.114
Rock your body, and it all makes sense
00:22:02.239 --> 00:22:04.324
Got me up under your influence
00:22:04.408 --> 00:22:06.076
I'm getting us drinks.
00:22:06.159 --> 00:22:08.453
Knockout blurry, no worries
00:22:08.745 --> 00:22:11.957
You guys, you guys, let's get Jess a stripper!
00:22:12.040 --> 00:22:14.001
- Yes!
- Oh, yeah. Okay.
00:22:14.084 --> 00:22:15.168
Right?
00:22:15.252 --> 00:22:19.548
You guys, you guys, you guys,
male or female, though?
00:22:19.631 --> 00:22:21.717
Male. I'm thinking male for her.
00:22:21.800 --> 00:22:24.094
- Yeah.
- Okay, I got it.
00:22:25.470 --> 00:22:27.472
Frankie, do you have a tampon?
00:22:27.556 --> 00:22:28.932
- I need one.
- Uh-huh, yup.
00:22:29.016 --> 00:22:30.684
- Thank you.
- Got one. Here we go.
00:22:30.767 --> 00:22:33.729
What day of your flow are you on?
00:22:33.812 --> 00:22:36.106
Oh, no, no. It's our code.
00:22:36.189 --> 00:22:38.275
In college, we would
ask each other for tampons
00:22:38.400 --> 00:22:41.319
if some guy was skeezing us out
and we wanted to be saved.
00:22:41.403 --> 00:22:43.196
You just say "tampon," and they run.
00:22:43.280 --> 00:22:44.781
PIPPA: Oh, my God, I love that.
00:22:44.865 --> 00:22:48.201
I used to use tampons,
but now I use David cups.
00:22:48.285 --> 00:22:50.787
- You mean DivaCups.
- No, no, David.
00:22:51.079 --> 00:22:52.998
They were designed by my neighbor, David,
00:22:53.081 --> 00:22:55.709
to collect blood for an art
installation he's doing.
00:22:55.792 --> 00:22:57.961
Let's stop talking about periods now.
00:22:58.128 --> 00:22:59.296
Cool.
00:22:59.379 --> 00:23:03.175
All right, everybody, we have a special
request from a Caucasian named
00:23:03.258 --> 00:23:04.843
- (SINGSONGY) Alice!
- (CHEERING)
00:23:04.968 --> 00:23:07.345
That's me. I'm Caucasian Alice.
00:23:07.429 --> 00:23:09.222
Bring all your girls up here. Grab 'em.
00:23:09.306 --> 00:23:10.807
Jess, come on. Come on.
00:23:10.891 --> 00:23:14.144
Give her the drinks. Go on.
Girls, get up there.
00:23:14.978 --> 00:23:17.814
We won the talent show freshman year
with this little routine.
00:23:17.898 --> 00:23:20.484
Might want to stand back.
No, physically, get back!
00:23:20.567 --> 00:23:22.194
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
00:23:22.277 --> 00:23:24.404
If you didn't go to college with us,
you're not in the routine.
00:23:24.488 --> 00:23:25.572
Okay, get into places.
00:23:25.822 --> 00:23:26.823
(WHOOPS)
00:23:27.324 --> 00:23:30.160
All you ladies pop your pussy like this
00:23:30.243 --> 00:23:32.245
Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss
00:23:32.329 --> 00:23:34.748
All you ladies pop your pussy like this
00:23:34.915 --> 00:23:36.750
Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss
00:23:36.833 --> 00:23:41.713
Just do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now
00:23:41.838 --> 00:23:43.632
Lick it good, suck this pussy
00:23:43.715 --> 00:23:45.258
- Just like you should
- Yeah!
00:23:45.342 --> 00:23:49.012
My neck, my back,
lick my pussy and my crack
00:23:49.596 --> 00:23:54.142
My neck, my back, lick
my pussy and my crack
00:23:54.351 --> 00:23:57.854
My neck, my back,
lick my pussy and my crack
00:23:58.021 --> 00:23:59.648
You're doing so good!
00:23:59.773 --> 00:24:01.650
Lick it now, lick it good
00:24:01.733 --> 00:24:04.486
- Lick this pussyjust like you should
- Come on
00:24:04.569 --> 00:24:06.655
Right now, lick it good
00:24:06.738 --> 00:24:07.948
These are my new friends.
00:24:08.448 --> 00:24:10.867
My neck, my back, lick
00:24:10.951 --> 00:24:12.119
Jess, Jess, Jess!
00:24:12.327 --> 00:24:14.371
- Oh!
- (CROWD GASPING)
00:24:14.830 --> 00:24:16.373
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God.
00:24:16.456 --> 00:24:18.625
Are you okay? You all right?
00:24:19.626 --> 00:24:20.961
Did anybody see me fall?
00:24:21.044 --> 00:24:22.712
- Everybody saw. Everybody saw.
- No. Well, yeah.
00:24:22.796 --> 00:24:25.298
- Alice! You fell!
- Yeah.
00:24:25.382 --> 00:24:27.634
It was be-gorgeous!
00:24:27.717 --> 00:24:30.011
Jess, you were supposed to catch me.
00:24:30.095 --> 00:24:32.139
You know, I forgot that one part. I'm so sorry.
00:24:32.222 --> 00:24:33.515
It's a pretty important part!
00:24:34.266 --> 00:24:36.977
Would some more cocaine
make you feel better?
00:24:37.060 --> 00:24:38.186
Yes!
00:24:38.562 --> 00:24:40.981
- I'm gonna party till the break of day
- (ALL SNIFFING)
00:24:41.106 --> 00:24:42.983
(SNIFFS)
00:24:43.775 --> 00:24:47.112
This Montepulciano is majestic
and rebellious.
00:24:47.362 --> 00:24:49.364
Tell me, what are you tasting?
00:24:50.115 --> 00:24:51.283
Pepper.
00:24:51.366 --> 00:24:52.534
Pass. I need more time.
00:24:53.076 --> 00:24:54.077
(MOANS)
00:24:54.286 --> 00:24:55.287
Forest floor.
00:24:55.370 --> 00:24:56.371
Licorice.
00:24:57.080 --> 00:24:59.624
- There's a nostalgia to it, you know?
- OTHERS: Mmm-hmm. Yes.
00:24:59.708 --> 00:25:02.085
- You are all correct!
- ALL: Oh!
00:25:02.586 --> 00:25:04.671
- Yes!
- PATRICK: I need more time.
00:25:04.754 --> 00:25:06.673
(RINGTONE PLAYING)
00:25:06.756 --> 00:25:08.008
Oh. (HISSING INHALE)
00:25:08.091 --> 00:25:09.509
It's Jess.
00:25:09.593 --> 00:25:12.053
- Take it.
- Okay. Hello.
00:25:12.137 --> 00:25:15.640
I'm drunk! I lost two credit cards already.
00:25:15.724 --> 00:25:17.142
PETER: Oh, no. Okay.
00:25:17.225 --> 00:25:19.895
- Well, it's getting pretty wild over here, too.
- JESS: Really?
00:25:20.103 --> 00:25:22.022
I'm getting, like, a light beeswax.
00:25:22.105 --> 00:25:23.607
- Oh, I like that.
- Oh.
00:25:23.732 --> 00:25:26.860
- Jess, guy says that we can drive his Lambo.
- (LAUGHING)
00:25:26.943 --> 00:25:29.154
- I, um, I... Babe, I got to go.
- All right.
00:25:29.237 --> 00:25:30.280
Call me when you're home safe.
00:25:30.363 --> 00:25:32.449
- I will. I love you.
- Love you, too.
00:25:32.574 --> 00:25:33.700
ALICE: Get off the phone.
00:25:34.159 --> 00:25:36.203
Are we ready to get crazy?
00:25:36.536 --> 00:25:38.288
- Yeah.
- Sure.
00:25:38.455 --> 00:25:41.875
This Lambrusco is served...
00:25:42.959 --> 00:25:44.002
Chilled!
00:25:44.127 --> 00:25:46.254
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
00:25:46.338 --> 00:25:49.132
(LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING)
00:25:49.716 --> 00:25:50.884
Do you guys remember Michelle?
00:25:50.967 --> 00:25:53.762
BLAIR: Oh, Michelle,
she was obsessed with Nickelback.
00:25:53.845 --> 00:25:55.680
(LAUGHTER)
00:25:56.139 --> 00:25:58.433
- ALICE: Ooh, beauty, Jess!
- (PIPPA GASPS)
00:25:58.642 --> 00:26:01.228
- I know what this soiree needs.
- What?
00:26:01.311 --> 00:26:02.479
Pizza!
00:26:02.604 --> 00:26:03.897
- (FRANKIE WHOOPS)
- OTHERS: Yeah!
00:26:04.356 --> 00:26:06.399
- PIPPA: Pizza! Pizza!
- Yes, yes, yes.
00:26:06.483 --> 00:26:08.276
- Yes!
- Nice! Sweet!
00:26:08.485 --> 00:26:09.611
Okay, I love her.
00:26:09.694 --> 00:26:11.071
- Right?
- Yes.
00:26:11.154 --> 00:26:13.657
She is... Be-mazing?
I don't know how she would say it,
00:26:13.740 --> 00:26:14.866
but she is incredible!
00:26:14.950 --> 00:26:17.535
I am telling you, she is one of us.
00:26:17.619 --> 00:26:19.704
- She is so free-spirited.
- BOTH: Totally.
00:26:19.996 --> 00:26:21.790
- I just... I love her.
- I don't know about that.
00:26:21.873 --> 00:26:23.541
- I totally feel it.
- Do you guys feel like
00:26:23.625 --> 00:26:26.336
she's here on a work visa,
00:26:26.419 --> 00:26:29.214
or, like, a tourist visa or, like, illegally?
00:26:29.589 --> 00:26:31.258
- Like, what's her deal?
- What, dude?
00:26:31.341 --> 00:26:33.176
- She's here for a bachelorette party.
- JESS: That is crazy.
00:26:33.343 --> 00:26:34.594
- BLAIR: Build a wall.
- I just, like, don't...
00:26:34.678 --> 00:26:36.137
I don't want to do anything illegal tonight.
00:26:36.388 --> 00:26:37.514
- JESS: What?
- You don't?
00:26:37.597 --> 00:26:39.224
You just snorted a mound of cocaine.
00:26:39.307 --> 00:26:42.394
- Simultaneously.
- That was, like, in the name of Jess.
00:26:42.477 --> 00:26:44.020
That was, like, for Jess.
00:26:44.104 --> 00:26:45.772
- Don't put that on me.
- FRANKIE: Oh, check you out.
00:26:45.855 --> 00:26:46.982
You're literally cuckoo.
00:26:47.065 --> 00:26:48.566
I'm just, like, voicing
what some people are thinking,
00:26:48.650 --> 00:26:50.944
- you know what I mean?
- Do you have snags?
00:26:52.904 --> 00:26:54.906
Okay, no snags.
00:26:54.990 --> 00:26:58.118
Um, is... This is a pizza shop, yeah?
00:26:58.201 --> 00:26:59.744
God, it is so warm.
00:26:59.828 --> 00:27:01.496
- You guys have to get in.
- JESS: Mmm,
00:27:01.871 --> 00:27:03.039
I am coming.
00:27:03.123 --> 00:27:04.749
I am gonna warn you now.
00:27:04.833 --> 00:27:09.462
Uh, did not have time to self-wax,
so it is like a jungle down there.
00:27:09.546 --> 00:27:10.880
- BLAIR: Self-wax?
- Yeah.
00:27:10.964 --> 00:27:13.466
Like, with those weird little,
like, paper strips?
00:27:13.550 --> 00:27:14.926
Yikes, dude.
00:27:15.010 --> 00:27:17.470
Even I'm like, "Yikes, dude."
00:27:17.554 --> 00:27:20.974
Look, you guys, I don't understand.
Why all the hate?
00:27:21.057 --> 00:27:22.225
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Ooh.
00:27:22.309 --> 00:27:23.893
- Mmm.
- Okay, I got it, I got it.
00:27:23.977 --> 00:27:25.395
- Well, that was fast.
- But, seriously,
00:27:25.478 --> 00:27:27.355
we're gonna talk about
this self-wax thing later.
00:27:27.439 --> 00:27:28.565
- Okay, come on.
- Ooh.
00:27:28.815 --> 00:27:30.525
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
00:27:34.029 --> 00:27:35.780
- Hey...
- Oh, not bad.
00:27:35.864 --> 00:27:38.825
- Stripper's here!
- (ALICE WHOOPS)
00:27:38.908 --> 00:27:40.160
- You guys!
- Yes!
00:27:40.243 --> 00:27:41.244
I don't want a stripper!
00:27:41.536 --> 00:27:42.829
Did you bring a CD or anything?
00:27:42.996 --> 00:27:44.956
Like, Now That's What I Call Music!
or anything?
00:27:45.206 --> 00:27:46.958
- No. No, I didn't.
- No? It's all right.
00:27:47.042 --> 00:27:48.585
I got some pretty filthy music on my phone.
00:27:48.668 --> 00:27:50.545
- I'll hook you up. (CLICKS TONGUE)
- Thanks.
00:27:52.047 --> 00:27:53.214
- Hey.
- Hi.
00:27:53.298 --> 00:27:56.092
Hey, um, I, uh, I got to take a piss.
00:27:56.676 --> 00:27:58.303
Oh, yeah, there's a bathroom down there.
00:27:59.054 --> 00:28:00.096
All right.
00:28:00.597 --> 00:28:02.182
It's, like, down there.
00:28:02.932 --> 00:28:03.933
JESS: Mmm.
00:28:04.267 --> 00:28:05.727
I bet he's going to fluff his junk!
00:28:05.810 --> 00:28:07.979
Let's give him room, let's make a stage, yes.
00:28:08.063 --> 00:28:09.689
You guys, I don't want a stripper.
00:28:09.773 --> 00:28:11.399
I think he looks like he's on something.
00:28:11.483 --> 00:28:13.943
He's definitely on something. Like bath salts.
00:28:14.277 --> 00:28:16.196
Oh, my God, he's gonna eat our faces.
00:28:16.279 --> 00:28:19.282
- Oh, God, he would!
- Ugh, this vintage remote is so confusing.
00:28:19.366 --> 00:28:22.369
JESS: I've never even had a striptease.
I mean...
00:28:22.452 --> 00:28:23.536
- Nope.
- Well, there was that one time.
00:28:23.620 --> 00:28:25.038
- I love myself
- ALICE: Yes!
00:28:25.121 --> 00:28:26.581
Maybe somebody else should go.
00:28:26.664 --> 00:28:28.875
- Stripper. Stripper, stripper.
- So, this is Jess,
00:28:28.958 --> 00:28:31.461
the bride-to-be, your subject, okay?
00:28:31.544 --> 00:28:34.089
And lucky for you, so lucky,
00:28:34.172 --> 00:28:35.965
you get to do whatever you want.
00:28:36.049 --> 00:28:37.050
Fuck her!
00:28:37.133 --> 00:28:38.259
- Alice!
- Jesus.
00:28:38.343 --> 00:28:39.719
- Too much.
- What? If it happens.
00:28:39.803 --> 00:28:41.179
(WHOOPS)
00:28:41.262 --> 00:28:43.139
- Okay, whoo! Here we go.
- PIPPA: Do it.
00:28:44.057 --> 00:28:45.600
(WHOOPING)
00:28:45.892 --> 00:28:48.728
- First layer, off.
- (WHOOPING)
00:28:48.812 --> 00:28:50.188
I touch myself
00:28:50.313 --> 00:28:51.439
- Oh, shit.
- ALICE: Yeah!
00:28:53.066 --> 00:28:54.567
JESS: Okay.
BLAIR: Come on, Jess!
00:28:54.651 --> 00:28:56.152
Here he comes. He's looking at me.
00:28:56.444 --> 00:28:58.822
(EXCITED SHOUTS, WHOOPING)
00:28:59.072 --> 00:29:00.865
Ooh, happy Boxing Day.
00:29:01.282 --> 00:29:02.534
ALICE: Yes!
00:29:02.617 --> 00:29:04.911
It's kind of turning me on,
but I really have to pee,
00:29:04.994 --> 00:29:06.830
so it's, like, so confusing.
00:29:06.913 --> 00:29:09.833
- Mansploitation, bitch! Yes!
- (WHOOPING)
00:29:09.999 --> 00:29:11.668
Let's get to the beans, let's get to the beans.
00:29:11.751 --> 00:29:12.877
Yeah, just do it.
00:29:12.961 --> 00:29:14.754
Get it over with. Get it over with!
00:29:14.838 --> 00:29:17.882
- (LAUGHING) So good!
- Love her.
00:29:17.966 --> 00:29:19.759
Make her feel special.
00:29:19.843 --> 00:29:20.844
(GASPS)
00:29:20.969 --> 00:29:22.387
ALICE: Yes!
BLAIR: Get that!
00:29:22.470 --> 00:29:24.180
- (WHOOPING)
- JESS: Oh, he's warm.
00:29:24.264 --> 00:29:26.224
Ooh, all right. I like it.
00:29:26.558 --> 00:29:27.559
- (WHOOPS)
- JESS: Okay.
00:29:28.101 --> 00:29:29.352
I know you want it, you little slut.
00:29:29.644 --> 00:29:31.354
Oh, God! No! Ew.
00:29:31.479 --> 00:29:33.231
Gross. You sit down.
00:29:33.356 --> 00:29:34.858
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- So aggressive.
00:29:35.150 --> 00:29:37.485
- FRANKIE: I'm definitely gay.
- Okay, my turn!
00:29:37.569 --> 00:29:38.862
- (GRUNTS)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:29:40.029 --> 00:29:41.948
- Oh!
- Oh, shit!
00:29:42.031 --> 00:29:43.032
FRANKIE: Holy shit.
00:29:44.075 --> 00:29:45.743
- I'm good!
- JESS: Hey.
00:29:45.827 --> 00:29:47.454
Are you okay?
00:29:47.871 --> 00:29:50.457
Oh, him? He's fine. You're okay, right, bud?
00:29:50.707 --> 00:29:51.916
Oh, God.
00:29:52.000 --> 00:29:54.502
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit! That's blood!
00:29:54.919 --> 00:29:56.463
ALICE: What the fuck? Oh, God.
00:29:56.546 --> 00:29:58.590
- Oh, my God, he's not breathing!
- (GASPS)
00:29:58.673 --> 00:30:00.216
- JESS: Shit!
- Does anybody know CPR?
00:30:00.300 --> 00:30:02.510
- ALICE: Oh, my God.
- I'll look it up on YouTube!
00:30:02.594 --> 00:30:04.137
- No, no, no.
- PIPPA: Oh, my God.
00:30:04.262 --> 00:30:05.638
We got to do something!
00:30:05.722 --> 00:30:08.349
Bugger! It's playing an advert
for toilet tissue.
00:30:08.433 --> 00:30:09.517
ALICE: Jess, do something!
00:30:09.601 --> 00:30:10.643
- Shit.
- No, no, no.
00:30:10.810 --> 00:30:12.020
BLAIR: Holy shit!
00:30:12.270 --> 00:30:14.647
Oh, please, God,
please don't let this happen.
00:30:14.731 --> 00:30:16.733
He's bleeding out. I can't stop the blood!
00:30:16.816 --> 00:30:19.444
I have some Advil. I'll get it out of my bag.
00:30:19.527 --> 00:30:21.154
What's Advil gonna do, Alice?
00:30:21.237 --> 00:30:24.240
- It's extra-strength, bitch!
- Somebody call an ambulance!
00:30:25.366 --> 00:30:27.577
- Four, five, six, seven, eight...
- He doesn't have a pulse.
00:30:30.622 --> 00:30:31.748
Fuck.
00:30:32.749 --> 00:30:33.917
He's dead.
00:30:36.252 --> 00:30:37.921
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit.
00:30:38.004 --> 00:30:40.089
I...
00:30:40.256 --> 00:30:43.718
I don't want anybody else
00:30:43.801 --> 00:30:44.928
When I think about you
00:30:45.011 --> 00:30:47.555
BLAIR: Turn off the fucking music!
00:30:48.014 --> 00:30:51.643
Oh, I don't want anybo...
00:30:51.726 --> 00:30:54.020
- (TURNS OFF MUSIC)
- (QUIET CRYING)
00:30:56.439 --> 00:30:58.066
- FRANKIE: Oh, shit.
- I'm so sorry.
00:30:58.733 --> 00:30:59.734
I didn't mean to.
00:30:59.859 --> 00:31:02.111
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
00:31:02.445 --> 00:31:03.530
- (GAGS)
- I'm so sorry.
00:31:03.655 --> 00:31:05.323
- No, no, no.
- Oh, God, the blood,
00:31:05.698 --> 00:31:07.075
(GASPS) it's going everywhere.
00:31:07.158 --> 00:31:08.785
Paper towels! Somebody get paper towels!
00:31:08.952 --> 00:31:10.203
Why don't you do something, Blair!
00:31:10.286 --> 00:31:11.621
I'm delegating!
00:31:13.164 --> 00:31:14.707
- I killed a guy.
- It's okay.
00:31:15.208 --> 00:31:16.417
Oh, God.
00:31:16.501 --> 00:31:18.545
- Oh, not the bathroom towels.
- Oh, shit.
00:31:18.628 --> 00:31:19.754
What are you talking about!
00:31:19.837 --> 00:31:21.130
Who cares about towels right now?
00:31:21.214 --> 00:31:23.049
Well, I don't know! I don't know what to do!
00:31:23.258 --> 00:31:25.093
I killed a guy!
00:31:25.468 --> 00:31:26.803
Oh, God!
00:31:27.178 --> 00:31:28.721
- I killed a guy today.
- Okay, okay.
00:31:28.805 --> 00:31:30.640
- Deep breaths, deep breaths.
- "What'd you do?"
00:31:30.723 --> 00:31:32.517
- Deep breath.
- "I killed a guy."
00:31:32.642 --> 00:31:34.185
"What have you been up to?"
00:31:34.269 --> 00:31:35.728
(SNIFFS) "Death."
00:31:35.812 --> 00:31:37.313
(INHALES, EXHALES)
00:31:37.397 --> 00:31:38.982
- Keep it in there.
- That's better. That's better.
00:31:40.024 --> 00:31:41.484
Time to call the police. Yeah?
00:31:41.651 --> 00:31:43.444
No, no, no, don't call the police.
We're all high.
00:31:43.528 --> 00:31:46.114
Let's get rid of the drugs,
and then we'll call the police.
00:31:46.197 --> 00:31:47.991
Yeah, we'll just,
we'll clean up a dead stripper, cool.
00:31:48.366 --> 00:31:50.201
Well, technically, he's a prostitute.
00:31:50.660 --> 00:31:51.661
(COUGHING)
00:31:51.786 --> 00:31:53.955
- He's a prostitute?
- No.
00:31:54.038 --> 00:31:55.248
I got him from Craigslist.
00:31:55.331 --> 00:31:57.208
He is a stripper, but then also an escort.
00:31:57.834 --> 00:31:59.836
You hired a gigolo?
00:31:59.961 --> 00:32:02.046
Don't judge sex work, Blair!
00:32:02.297 --> 00:32:03.923
- Oh, my God!
- Frankie!
00:32:04.007 --> 00:32:06.759
You know I'm running for public office!
How could you do this to me?
00:32:06.843 --> 00:32:08.595
It's worse for me. I have two strikes.
00:32:08.678 --> 00:32:11.222
If I get a third,
I could go to jail for 25 to life.
00:32:11.306 --> 00:32:13.224
I'm not even supposed to be
out of the state right now.
00:32:13.308 --> 00:32:15.476
I had to pry my ankle monitor off
with a shoehorn to get here!
00:32:16.144 --> 00:32:17.520
Oh, God.
00:32:18.271 --> 00:32:19.397
It's the chair's fault.
00:32:19.731 --> 00:32:22.108
Fuckin' shit chair!
00:32:22.191 --> 00:32:25.194
Wait a minute. You guys, wait a minute!
00:32:25.278 --> 00:32:27.113
It was an accident. Right?
00:32:27.238 --> 00:32:29.490
So, like, we're not gonna
get in trouble for an accident.
00:32:29.741 --> 00:32:31.075
FRANKIE: We're in Florida, Alice.
00:32:31.534 --> 00:32:33.661
A white dude is dead at
the hands of a bunch of women.
00:32:33.745 --> 00:32:34.996
BLAIR: Yeah, white women.
00:32:35.079 --> 00:32:37.540
I'm black, in case any of you have forgotten.
00:32:37.707 --> 00:32:39.125
I think the only person
who's forgotten that is you.
00:32:39.751 --> 00:32:41.419
How dare you.
00:32:41.919 --> 00:32:43.212
I rest my case.
00:32:43.963 --> 00:32:46.883
I knew this weekend was a terrible idea.
00:32:46.966 --> 00:32:48.343
What? No.
00:32:48.426 --> 00:32:51.554
This can still be the best
weekend of our fucking lives!
00:32:51.638 --> 00:32:55.683
Let's just smile a little bit about it. Right?
Smile more. (AWKWARD CHUCKLING)
00:32:55.850 --> 00:32:57.101
Okay, we're gonna be fine.
00:32:57.185 --> 00:32:58.895
- We're gonna call the cops, but Jess is right.
- Definitely.
00:32:58.978 --> 00:33:00.730
We need to make this seem
as innocent as possible,
00:33:00.855 --> 00:33:02.065
so let's get rid of all the drugs.
00:33:02.357 --> 00:33:03.775
I'm on it. (SNIFFS)
00:33:04.651 --> 00:33:06.778
- Alice, not by doing them!
- (COUGHS)
00:33:07.278 --> 00:33:10.198
Okay, someone tell me what to do,
and I will do it.
00:33:11.157 --> 00:33:12.742
- (SHUDDERS) Uh?
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
00:33:12.909 --> 00:33:14.369
- (ALICE AND PIPPA GRUNT)
- What the...
00:33:15.536 --> 00:33:17.705
- Oh. Oh.
- Shit, shit, shit.
00:33:19.040 --> 00:33:21.042
(PIPPA PANTING HEAVILY)
00:33:22.043 --> 00:33:23.294
It's pizza.
00:33:24.128 --> 00:33:25.963
You guys, what are we gonna do?
00:33:26.047 --> 00:33:28.508
The house is made of glass. He can see in.
00:33:29.008 --> 00:33:30.593
We got to move him, you guys.
00:33:30.677 --> 00:33:31.803
- (KNOCKING)
- Do it, do it, do it.
00:33:31.928 --> 00:33:34.347
- (PANICKED CHATTER)
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
00:33:35.098 --> 00:33:36.474
JESS: Go, go, go.
00:33:38.601 --> 00:33:40.019
Wait, wait, wait, you guys.
00:33:40.103 --> 00:33:43.064
You guys, you guys, you guys,
wait, wait, wait. One second.
00:33:43.147 --> 00:33:45.274
- (KNOCKING)
- Watch the couch.
00:33:46.275 --> 00:33:47.276
(SQUEALS)
00:33:47.443 --> 00:33:48.444
(DOORBELL RINGS)
00:33:48.611 --> 00:33:49.904
- Shit.
- Somebody answer the door.
00:33:50.113 --> 00:33:52.031
Does anyone have cash for a tip?
00:33:52.115 --> 00:33:53.366
I have Australian dollars.
00:33:53.449 --> 00:33:55.034
They're stronger than American dollars.
00:33:58.705 --> 00:34:00.039
DELIVERY MAN: Castelucci Pizza.
00:34:02.792 --> 00:34:04.711
- What's this?
- Leave.
00:34:06.421 --> 00:34:07.797
- Oh, God.
- Oh, fuck.
00:34:08.047 --> 00:34:09.048
I was natural.
00:34:09.632 --> 00:34:11.008
Okay, open it.
00:34:11.092 --> 00:34:12.760
Open it up.
00:34:13.428 --> 00:34:14.637
Oh, yes.
00:34:15.513 --> 00:34:17.140
How can you eat right now?
00:34:17.473 --> 00:34:20.893
Eating is the number one way
people deal with stress, okay?
00:34:20.977 --> 00:34:22.645
Don't give me shit.
00:34:22.729 --> 00:34:24.021
You guys want some?
00:34:24.731 --> 00:34:26.941
- Oh, yeah, I'd go for a slice. One second.
- I'll have a slice. Yeah.
00:34:27.900 --> 00:34:31.237
Okay, I think now it's time for us
to call the cops, yeah?
00:34:31.320 --> 00:34:33.573
Wait, wait, wait.
I think we should call a lawyer first,
00:34:33.656 --> 00:34:35.658
so we know exactly what to say
during the interrogation.
00:34:35.867 --> 00:34:37.618
- Okay.
- Wait, I'm sorry, what's going on?
00:34:37.910 --> 00:34:38.995
We're gonna be interrogated?
00:34:39.579 --> 00:34:41.831
We are 1Ø0% gonna be interrogated.
00:34:41.914 --> 00:34:44.041
Somebody died in a sketchy way.
00:34:44.125 --> 00:34:45.793
They're gonna separate us into little cells,
00:34:45.877 --> 00:34:47.462
you know, with swinging lights.
00:34:47.545 --> 00:34:50.131
The coppers are gonna try
to crack us, fucking pigs!
00:34:50.423 --> 00:34:52.675
Okay, let's definitely call a lawyer, then.
00:34:53.259 --> 00:34:55.011
Oh, my God. My Uncle Jack.
00:34:55.428 --> 00:34:57.263
He was on the team
that defended Bernie Madoff.
00:34:57.346 --> 00:34:59.348
- Ah, thank God.
- Thank God.
00:34:59.849 --> 00:35:02.643
Wait. We should use a burner phone
so there's no record.
00:35:02.894 --> 00:35:04.437
- JESS: Good idea.
- That's actually a good point.
00:35:04.520 --> 00:35:06.355
- Shit!
- ALL: What, Alice?
00:35:06.689 --> 00:35:07.982
The foam party!
00:35:08.065 --> 00:35:09.692
Should I sell our passes?
00:35:10.985 --> 00:35:12.028
BLAIR: Wow.
00:35:12.612 --> 00:35:14.781
You're right. Let's play it by ear.
00:35:15.031 --> 00:35:16.199
Smart, Jess.
00:35:17.200 --> 00:35:18.618
(RINGTONE PLAYING)
00:35:18.701 --> 00:35:19.702
Oh, shit! Peter!
00:35:20.036 --> 00:35:21.537
- Okay.
- I forgot to call him when I got home.
00:35:21.621 --> 00:35:23.080
- Do not answer that.
- I have to.
00:35:23.164 --> 00:35:24.290
- No!
- Jess. Jess, stop.
00:35:24.373 --> 00:35:25.416
Hello!
00:35:25.541 --> 00:35:27.794
- Hey, babe.
- Hi. How's it going?
00:35:27.877 --> 00:35:29.962
- Stop.
- Are you home safe? You never called.
00:35:30.046 --> 00:35:31.172
- Hang up. Hang up.
- Yeah, I am.
00:35:31.255 --> 00:35:32.340
Yeah, everything's great.
00:35:32.507 --> 00:35:34.425
Did you do whippets again?
You sound really weird.
00:35:34.717 --> 00:35:36.636
- What?
- Is everything all right?
00:35:36.803 --> 00:35:38.596
- Hang up. Hang up. Hang up.
- Stop, stop, stop.
00:35:38.721 --> 00:35:40.515
- Peter, something really bad happened.
- No.
00:35:40.598 --> 00:35:42.433
- What?
- No, this guy came over.
00:35:42.517 --> 00:35:44.060
He was a stripper, like, a prostitute.
00:35:44.143 --> 00:35:45.186
- A prostitute?
- And we were drunk,
00:35:45.353 --> 00:35:47.730
and coked up, and I don't know what to do.
00:35:47.814 --> 00:35:48.981
About what? The wedding?
00:35:49.273 --> 00:35:51.567
- (FRANTIC WHISPERING)
- Jess, do you still want to get married?
00:35:51.692 --> 00:35:53.152
- You can't, you can't...
- JESS: No! (GASPS)
00:35:53.820 --> 00:35:54.987
- Jess!
- (CLICK)
00:35:57.240 --> 00:35:58.533
I can't believe you just did that.
00:35:58.616 --> 00:36:01.452
We can't talk to anybody
until we consult with a lawyer.
00:36:01.536 --> 00:36:02.703
She's right. You know what,
00:36:02.787 --> 00:36:04.831
I'm collecting everyone's phones
until we know what the plan is.
00:36:04.914 --> 00:36:06.541
- Agreed?
- Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
00:36:06.624 --> 00:36:07.834
- Yes.
- Agreed.
00:36:07.917 --> 00:36:08.918
- Mmm-hmm.
- Fine.
00:36:10.753 --> 00:36:13.297
- Well, I have a game on it that relaxes me.
- Give it.
00:36:14.924 --> 00:36:15.967
Thank you.
00:36:16.175 --> 00:36:17.969
♪♪
00:36:18.344 --> 00:36:20.930
Okay, so we got to get this burner phone
from a convenience store.
00:36:21.013 --> 00:36:22.223
- Smart.
- Yeah, good idea.
00:36:22.306 --> 00:36:23.516
Frankie and I can go.
00:36:23.599 --> 00:36:24.684
- Great.
- ALICE: Um...
00:36:24.767 --> 00:36:27.478
- Or, like, anybody else could go.
- BLAIR: Why?
00:36:27.562 --> 00:36:30.022
- Do we argue?
- We bicker. Yeah, we bicker.
00:36:30.231 --> 00:36:32.525
- (CHUCKLES) It's true, but...
- No. I think that we debate,
00:36:32.608 --> 00:36:34.402
which is a normal part of talking.
00:36:34.485 --> 00:36:36.946
That's funny.
That's the same thing, debating and arguing.
00:36:37.029 --> 00:36:38.364
- It's semantics.
- "Semantics."
00:36:38.447 --> 00:36:40.449
Wow, I didn't realize
I was talking to a wordsmith.
00:36:40.533 --> 00:36:42.118
- They used to be lovers, yeah?
- FRANKIE: Three syllables.
00:36:42.201 --> 00:36:44.120
I'm a wordsmith 'cause
I read the news regularly.
00:36:44.203 --> 00:36:45.371
- Is it that obvious?
- BLAIR: Oh, my God.
00:36:45.454 --> 00:36:49.375
- I'm too busy shopping, right?
- I have a sort of a sense of these things.
00:36:49.458 --> 00:36:52.753
- (OTHERS CONTINUE ARGUING)
- Also, she's been fixated on her nips.
00:36:52.837 --> 00:36:54.714
Just because I don't use
Tom's of Maine deodorant, which,
00:36:54.797 --> 00:36:55.882
by the way, does not work...
00:36:55.965 --> 00:36:57.216
I don't use Tom's deodorant...
00:36:57.300 --> 00:36:59.635
- It's kind of nasty to watch, isn't it?
- ...into my body.
00:37:00.553 --> 00:37:02.513
PETER: Yeah, so, I call. She picks up.
00:37:02.847 --> 00:37:04.223
- Uh-huh.
- She sounds very strange.
00:37:04.307 --> 00:37:05.516
I know something's wrong immediately.
00:37:05.600 --> 00:37:07.101
And then, finally, she admits it.
00:37:07.184 --> 00:37:08.811
She says something really bad
happened with a prostitute.
00:37:08.978 --> 00:37:10.980
- OTHERS: Ooh!
- That does not mean she cheated.
00:37:11.355 --> 00:37:13.941
But if she was going to cheat,
this is when she would do it.
00:37:14.150 --> 00:37:16.819
- Oh, God.
- Miami, bachelorette party.
00:37:16.903 --> 00:37:18.738
- It's pretty classic.
- Mmm...
00:37:18.863 --> 00:37:21.991
It's not cheating if it's
with a prostitute. Technically.
00:37:22.325 --> 00:37:24.160
- TOBEY: What?
- What? Yes, it is.
00:37:24.243 --> 00:37:26.621
Look, guys, we have
to have realistic attitudes
00:37:26.704 --> 00:37:28.247
about sexual exclusivity.
00:37:28.497 --> 00:37:31.000
Whatever. It doesn't even matter, because...
00:37:31.083 --> 00:37:32.793
I asked her if she still wanted to get married.
00:37:32.877 --> 00:37:34.921
She screamed "no" and then she hung up!
00:37:35.004 --> 00:37:36.756
So, guess what, guys,
00:37:36.839 --> 00:37:39.175
there's no wedding for you to go to,
so return your tuxes.
00:37:39.383 --> 00:37:40.676
OTHERS: No!
00:37:40.760 --> 00:37:42.511
- No. Hell, no.
- Fine, keep your tuxes,
00:37:42.595 --> 00:37:43.846
but my wedding's off.
00:37:44.555 --> 00:37:45.806
It's not a shock, right?
00:37:45.890 --> 00:37:49.602
I mean, buddy, I love you,
you're one of my best friends,
00:37:49.685 --> 00:37:52.229
but you're a six and she's a...
00:37:52.313 --> 00:37:54.106
(TAKES BREATH) Twenty.
00:37:54.190 --> 00:37:56.525
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- JOE: He can hear you.
00:37:56.609 --> 00:37:58.569
Oh, I'm feeling... I'm feeling weak.
00:37:58.653 --> 00:38:00.196
- I'm feeling dizzy, I'm...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:38:00.279 --> 00:38:02.198
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Oh, my God.
00:38:02.365 --> 00:38:04.659
I knew I shouldn't date out of my league,
I knew it.
00:38:04.742 --> 00:38:07.078
When she first asked me out,
I thought it was a prank.
00:38:07.161 --> 00:38:10.081
I could feel her pulling away,
but I thought it was work.
00:38:10.164 --> 00:38:11.540
- (BELCHES) I'm gonna be sick.
- No, no, no.
00:38:11.832 --> 00:38:13.250
- Give him some Madeira.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:13.334 --> 00:38:15.419
- Yeah.
- Peter, that's it. Just take a sip.
00:38:15.503 --> 00:38:17.463
- Chug-a-lug. Bup-bup-bup-bup.
- Oh, I'll get you a soft cheese!
00:38:17.546 --> 00:38:18.547
Yes!
00:38:20.049 --> 00:38:21.467
FRANKIE: This is so stupid.
00:38:21.550 --> 00:38:25.221
Yeah, but this way no one can
definitively ID our face.
00:38:25.596 --> 00:38:27.264
FRANKIE: Old people. Perfect.
00:38:28.891 --> 00:38:31.060
Any brand is fine.
00:38:31.185 --> 00:38:32.520
What's that on your face?
00:38:32.770 --> 00:38:33.980
A detoxifying mud mask.
00:38:34.063 --> 00:38:36.148
Look, we need a burner phone, okay?
00:38:36.232 --> 00:38:40.152
- Here's some cash.
- Again, a burner phone,
00:38:40.236 --> 00:38:42.905
and you can find that behind the counter.
00:38:43.030 --> 00:38:44.740
- MAN: Okay. We heard you.
- Inside.
00:38:44.824 --> 00:38:48.035
You baby boomers are so demanding.
00:38:48.119 --> 00:38:49.412
WOMAN: I know.
00:38:49.495 --> 00:38:51.747
- Jesus. Come on, Ma.
- I'm sick and tired of this shit.
00:38:53.958 --> 00:38:55.209
ALICE: I can't believe he's dead.
00:38:56.669 --> 00:38:59.755
- And it's, like, all my fault.
- No, no.
00:39:00.339 --> 00:39:02.717
It really is a tragedy, you know?
00:39:04.844 --> 00:39:08.347
He could have been a scientist
that was gonna cure cancer or something.
00:39:09.432 --> 00:39:11.934
- It's nice of you to say.
- Yeah.
00:39:13.394 --> 00:39:15.604
Guys, is he looking, like, straight at me?
00:39:18.024 --> 00:39:19.525
- Oh, my God, he's...
- Yeah. Yeah.
00:39:19.608 --> 00:39:21.569
He's looking at me, right? (CRIES SOFTLY)
00:39:21.652 --> 00:39:22.862
PIPPA: Mmm-hmm.
00:39:25.781 --> 00:39:27.199
Hi, baby boy.
00:39:28.034 --> 00:39:29.702
Mummy Hubbard's here.
00:39:30.077 --> 00:39:31.871
She's gonna send you home.
00:39:33.706 --> 00:39:35.207
Okay.
00:39:35.291 --> 00:39:36.625
Sleep now.
00:39:37.543 --> 00:39:39.920
- Oh, no. Jesus, no. No, no, no.
- (JESS GAGS)
00:39:40.046 --> 00:39:41.672
- Okay, why don't we...
- I don't like it, I don't like it,
00:39:41.797 --> 00:39:42.882
- I don't like it.
- Guys, I got it.
00:39:43.257 --> 00:39:44.884
- I got it.
- JESS: I'm done.
00:39:44.967 --> 00:39:46.677
- I'm done.
- ALICE: There we go.
00:39:47.136 --> 00:39:48.471
He looks good, right?
00:39:49.305 --> 00:39:51.182
ALL: Totally.
00:39:56.812 --> 00:39:58.981
- PIPPA: Oh, my God, Jess. (LAUGHS)
- What?
00:39:59.106 --> 00:40:00.524
Look at this ring.
00:40:00.649 --> 00:40:02.943
It's even bigger in real life
than it is on Skype.
00:40:03.027 --> 00:40:04.653
- Yeah, he did a good job.
- Oh.
00:40:05.321 --> 00:40:06.363
You guys Skype?
00:40:06.655 --> 00:40:08.324
- Yes.
- Oh, do we?
00:40:08.741 --> 00:40:09.825
Yes.
00:40:10.284 --> 00:40:14.371
It's really nice to just sort of,
you know, see the person
00:40:14.580 --> 00:40:16.499
when you're talking to them.
00:40:16.874 --> 00:40:18.459
- I didn't know that.
- Yes.
00:40:18.542 --> 00:40:19.877
You don't know Skype?
00:40:19.960 --> 00:40:22.046
Skype is a free video calling app.
00:40:22.171 --> 00:40:23.589
- You should...
- No, I know what Skype is.
00:40:23.672 --> 00:40:25.883
Jess, you said you couldn't
remember your password.
00:40:27.176 --> 00:40:29.178
Well, it is really hard to sign in.
00:40:29.845 --> 00:40:31.889
(BARKING)
00:40:32.389 --> 00:40:33.432
- Oh, shit!
- Shit!
00:40:33.557 --> 00:40:35.476
- Whose dog is that?
- Go away! Go away!
00:40:35.684 --> 00:40:37.186
- Go! Go, go.
- MAN: Charlie? Here, boy!
00:40:37.353 --> 00:40:39.522
- The owner is coming towards the house.
- Oh, God.
00:40:39.605 --> 00:40:41.524
No, no, no. You're being too loud.
00:40:41.941 --> 00:40:43.943
I can speak to animals,
we have a deep understanding,
00:40:44.026 --> 00:40:45.069
- so I got this.
- MAN: Charlie?
00:40:45.194 --> 00:40:46.695
ALICE: Just go!
JESS: Okay, be careful, though.
00:40:46.779 --> 00:40:48.030
PIPPA: Okay.
MAN: Here, boy!
00:40:48.114 --> 00:40:50.324
Okay, Charlie. Come on.
00:40:50.407 --> 00:40:52.493
- Come on, come on.
- (VICIOUS GROWLING, LOUD CHOMP)
00:40:52.576 --> 00:40:54.203
PIPPA: Aah! Ow! Aah!
BOTH: Oh, shit!
00:40:54.495 --> 00:40:56.038
- Ow. Ow.
- (GROWLING)
00:40:56.122 --> 00:40:57.540
- MAN: Charlie!
- You stay. I'm bringing him to you.
00:40:57.623 --> 00:40:59.667
This is impossible, anybody can see
into the house from the beach.
00:40:59.750 --> 00:41:01.168
- This is crazy.
- I know.
00:41:01.252 --> 00:41:03.212
If someone reports it
before we do, we're dead.
00:41:03.546 --> 00:41:06.048
Well, we just... We have
to get the body out of sight, that's all.
00:41:06.132 --> 00:41:07.800
- Yeah, okay.
- All right.
00:41:07.883 --> 00:41:08.968
- Okay.
- ALICE: You all right?
00:41:09.051 --> 00:41:10.094
- You all right?
- Good.
00:41:10.469 --> 00:41:13.013
Oh, my God, Pip,
I can see all of his teeth marks.
00:41:13.097 --> 00:41:14.640
That looks really bad.
00:41:14.723 --> 00:41:16.475
No, no, no. This is...
00:41:16.559 --> 00:41:17.977
That's not... I'm good.
00:41:18.060 --> 00:41:19.770
Yeah, she's fine. Look at her in the eyes.
00:41:19.979 --> 00:41:22.398
Okay? So let's just get the body out of sight,
00:41:22.481 --> 00:41:24.775
and then we'll put him back
before we call the cops. Yeah?
00:41:24.859 --> 00:41:26.026
- Let's do it. Right?
- Yes.
00:41:26.110 --> 00:41:27.945
- Let's go! Okay!
- Let's do it.
00:41:28.362 --> 00:41:29.864
PIPPA: Hold the door. Hang on one sec.
00:41:29.947 --> 00:41:31.657
ALICE: Got it.
JESS: There's two steps here. Hold on.
00:41:31.740 --> 00:41:33.033
- Yeah, we got it. Ow.
- ALICE: Oh, there's two steps.
00:41:33.117 --> 00:41:34.118
(LOUD CRASH)
00:41:34.243 --> 00:41:35.661
PIPPA: Put him down.
ALICE: That was me.
00:41:35.744 --> 00:41:37.246
JESS: Can somebody turn the lights on?
00:41:37.329 --> 00:41:39.123
- PIPPA: I'll get it.
- Oh, there we go.
00:41:39.206 --> 00:41:40.332
- That's better.
- Oh, God!
00:41:40.416 --> 00:41:42.459
Shit! Alice, cover the body!
00:41:42.543 --> 00:41:43.878
Why? Why? Why?
00:41:43.961 --> 00:41:45.462
JESS: Pippa, what did you do?
00:41:46.046 --> 00:41:48.340
This is a poltergeist situation.
00:41:48.424 --> 00:41:49.842
I'm not doing anything.
00:41:49.925 --> 00:41:51.468
- All right.
- There's got to be a fuse box.
00:41:53.220 --> 00:41:55.556
- Oh, God. There is a taxi.
- PIPPA: Oh, no, no.
00:41:55.639 --> 00:41:57.016
There is a taxi right here.
00:41:57.266 --> 00:41:59.560
No! No, no, no.
00:42:00.144 --> 00:42:01.228
No, thank you.
00:42:01.478 --> 00:42:02.813
- Cover the body.
- Hide me. Hide me.
00:42:03.147 --> 00:42:04.481
- Balls!
- Jesus Christ.
00:42:04.607 --> 00:42:06.442
Find a quilt. Find a fucking quilt.
00:42:06.775 --> 00:42:08.652
- DRIVER: What the...
- Jesus!
00:42:08.777 --> 00:42:11.697
- Oh, no. My water broke! My water broke!
- What?
00:42:11.780 --> 00:42:12.948
No, no, I just peed.
00:42:13.240 --> 00:42:15.034
- PIPPA: I have no control over this.
- Pippa.
00:42:15.701 --> 00:42:17.536
Close, you fuck.
00:42:18.120 --> 00:42:20.247
- Here you go, sir. Thank you.
- Thought I peed. I didn't pee.
00:42:20.331 --> 00:42:22.124
- Thank you very much for the ride.
- Thank you.
00:42:22.208 --> 00:42:24.877
- Safe home!
- What the fuck is going on in here?
00:42:24.960 --> 00:42:26.962
We're starting a garage band.
Do you guys play bass?
00:42:27.046 --> 00:42:28.923
We're hiding a body.
What do you think we're doing?
00:42:29.048 --> 00:42:30.925
BLAIR: Stop saying "body" so many times.
00:42:31.008 --> 00:42:32.384
- Alice, what the hell are you doing, man?
- Sorry.
00:42:32.468 --> 00:42:33.844
- Come on.
- FRANKIE: God!
00:42:33.928 --> 00:42:35.721
Lift him up with your legs.
Lift with your legs.
00:42:36.347 --> 00:42:38.265
JESS: I swear to God,
he's getting heavier every time.
00:42:38.349 --> 00:42:39.475
Just hold one second.
00:42:39.558 --> 00:42:40.893
- There's two stairs up here.
- No!
00:42:40.976 --> 00:42:42.853
- I got it.
- Let's take a break. Let's take a break.
00:42:42.937 --> 00:42:43.979
Break, break, break.
00:42:44.104 --> 00:42:45.356
- ALICE: No, no, no.
- Okay.
00:42:45.481 --> 00:42:47.107
- Okay.
- BLAIR: I am out of shape.
00:42:47.191 --> 00:42:49.485
- PIPPA: Really good.
- Quick question.
00:42:50.069 --> 00:42:51.487
Why are we moving the dead stripper?
00:42:52.154 --> 00:42:54.240
The whole house is made out of glass.
00:42:54.323 --> 00:42:57.117
This is impossible.
You can see in everywhere.
00:42:57.618 --> 00:42:59.870
Where could we put him
that he's not gonna be seen?
00:43:03.832 --> 00:43:07.044
(SQUEAKING, CREAKING)
00:43:12.049 --> 00:43:13.592
BLAIR: (ON PHONE)
So, what do you think, Uncle Jack?
00:43:13.676 --> 00:43:16.428
They could charge you
with involuntary manslaughter,
00:43:16.512 --> 00:43:17.888
but it's not that easy to prove.
00:43:18.013 --> 00:43:19.640
- Ah, thank God.
- Well, that's not bad.
00:43:19.723 --> 00:43:21.308
- That's okay.
- JACK: Just don't touch the body
00:43:21.392 --> 00:43:23.936
- or the scene, and you'll be fine.
- What?
00:43:24.019 --> 00:43:26.146
Okay, so actually,
we have already moved him
00:43:26.230 --> 00:43:27.439
to a sex swing, Your Honor.
00:43:27.773 --> 00:43:28.816
What?
00:43:28.899 --> 00:43:32.778
I said, "Actually, we have already moved him
to a sex swing, Your Honor."
00:43:32.861 --> 00:43:33.988
I heard you.
00:43:35.197 --> 00:43:37.116
You knowingly tampered with the scene,
00:43:37.199 --> 00:43:39.451
which means you're guilty
of accessory after the fact,
00:43:39.535 --> 00:43:43.872
and they'll have a strong case
for involuntary manslaughter.
00:43:43.998 --> 00:43:45.624
Wait, what does that mean?
00:43:45.708 --> 00:43:47.668
Up to 15 years in prison.
00:43:47.793 --> 00:43:50.170
- What?
- Fifteen?
00:43:50.254 --> 00:43:52.965
- ALICE: Well, what can we do?
- Are we on an open line here, girls?
00:43:53.048 --> 00:43:54.883
- It's a burner phone.
- Good.
00:43:55.050 --> 00:43:56.719
Like I told Rob Lowe,
00:43:57.219 --> 00:44:00.889
if there's no body, there's no case.
00:44:04.310 --> 00:44:06.145
We can't just chop him up.
00:44:06.812 --> 00:44:09.815
You know what?
I'll just tell the cops it was just me.
00:44:10.232 --> 00:44:12.276
No, we all moved the body.
00:44:13.068 --> 00:44:14.320
It's a crime.
00:44:14.403 --> 00:44:17.656
Well, yeah, but if we just,
like, explain the situation...
00:44:17.740 --> 00:44:19.700
FRANKIE: What are you talking about,
"Explain"?
00:44:19.783 --> 00:44:22.453
Last year, a guy in Tampa,
he threatened to kill his wife,
00:44:22.536 --> 00:44:23.871
so she fired a warning shot,
00:44:23.954 --> 00:44:26.081
and she went to jail for 20 years.
00:44:26.707 --> 00:44:29.418
This country
should be burned to the ground!
00:44:31.587 --> 00:44:33.047
Shit.
00:44:34.548 --> 00:44:36.592
I was so close. Peter.
00:44:37.301 --> 00:44:38.761
My career.
00:44:38.886 --> 00:44:40.429
It's all over, just like that.
00:44:41.597 --> 00:44:43.515
I'm gonna do real time.
00:44:43.891 --> 00:44:44.933
Maybe life.
00:44:45.017 --> 00:44:46.477
You guys are gonna get off with a few years.
00:44:46.560 --> 00:44:49.438
I can't do any years.
I'm in the middle of a custody battle.
00:44:49.772 --> 00:44:50.731
- What?
- What?
00:44:50.814 --> 00:44:51.857
What?
00:44:54.318 --> 00:44:56.153
Malcolm and I separated six months ago.
00:44:57.112 --> 00:44:58.364
You didn't tell me.
00:44:59.156 --> 00:45:01.075
Yeah, you've been a little preoccupied, Jess.
00:45:02.159 --> 00:45:03.702
Why didn't you tell me?
00:45:04.536 --> 00:45:06.163
I didn't need your judgment.
00:45:06.455 --> 00:45:08.707
Blair, I would never judge you
for something like that.
00:45:10.501 --> 00:45:13.420
Oh, my God, my students.
00:45:13.504 --> 00:45:15.297
They idolize me.
00:45:15.381 --> 00:45:18.550
They think I'm, like, the best fucking adult
00:45:18.634 --> 00:45:21.053
in the whole fucking world.
00:45:21.136 --> 00:45:22.554
They'll turn to crime.
00:45:23.138 --> 00:45:24.807
I can't go to jail.
00:45:24.932 --> 00:45:26.767
I couldn't even make it
through the first episode
00:45:26.850 --> 00:45:28.143
of Orange Is the New Black.
00:45:28.727 --> 00:45:29.978
(CRYING) None of us can.
00:45:30.145 --> 00:45:32.231
(SNIFFLES) It's too soapy, right?
00:45:32.606 --> 00:45:35.234
No, I meant none of us can go to jail.
(SNIFFLES)
00:45:35.317 --> 00:45:36.485
PIPPA: Wait, you guys.
00:45:36.777 --> 00:45:39.780
Even if we don't get charged
with this tampering with evidence thing,
00:45:39.863 --> 00:45:41.407
we don't know who this man is.
00:45:41.490 --> 00:45:43.242
His family could come seek revenge.
00:45:43.325 --> 00:45:46.120
He could be part of a cartel
that's gonna cut off our toes
00:45:46.203 --> 00:45:47.246
and stick them up our bums.
00:45:47.329 --> 00:45:48.330
BLAIR: She's right.
00:45:48.497 --> 00:45:50.874
We'll have to look over our shoulders
for the rest of our lives.
00:45:52.251 --> 00:45:54.002
He did say that
00:45:55.337 --> 00:45:57.756
it would be hard to convict
00:45:58.674 --> 00:46:00.843
with no body.
00:46:01.510 --> 00:46:04.388
I mean, it was an accident.
00:46:04.638 --> 00:46:06.640
And he's not part
of an escort company, you know?
00:46:06.723 --> 00:46:08.517
So I don't think anybody knows he's here.
00:46:09.309 --> 00:46:10.894
Mmm-hmm.
00:46:15.357 --> 00:46:16.692
We got to get rid of him.
00:46:16.859 --> 00:46:17.985
- We gotta, right?
- Yeah.
00:46:18.068 --> 00:46:19.194
- We do.
- We have to.
00:46:19.278 --> 00:46:21.447
- I mean, we don't want to.
- No, of course we don't want to.
00:46:21.572 --> 00:46:22.739
We didn't want to kill him.
00:46:22.823 --> 00:46:24.116
- We have no other option.
- But we have to.
00:46:24.199 --> 00:46:25.451
- Of course we have to.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:46:25.534 --> 00:46:26.535
Must.
00:46:27.077 --> 00:46:28.662
(LINE RINGING)
00:46:28.745 --> 00:46:30.706
ON VOICE MAIL: Hey, it's Blair.
Don't leave a message.
00:46:30.998 --> 00:46:33.625
Okay. That's it. None of them are picking up.
00:46:33.709 --> 00:46:35.169
That means something really bad happened.
00:46:35.252 --> 00:46:39.006
Dude, this is, like, the third girlfriend
that's cheated on you.
00:46:39.423 --> 00:46:41.467
What is that? What's going on, buddy?
00:46:41.550 --> 00:46:43.635
Does your dick bend weird
when it gets hard?
00:46:43.719 --> 00:46:44.761
No.
00:46:44.887 --> 00:46:46.388
- All right.
- JAKE: Doesn't matter.
00:46:46.722 --> 00:46:49.725
Let's get you on Tinder right now,
so you can start on a rebound.
00:46:49.892 --> 00:46:52.561
- No, I don't want to be on Tinder, okay?
- PATRICK: Come on.
00:46:52.644 --> 00:46:55.189
You've gotten over other girls,
you can get over her.
00:46:55.272 --> 00:46:59.193
Yeah, this isn't some girl, this is Jess.
I'm not gonna get over her, you know?
00:46:59.276 --> 00:47:00.486
And I don't want to get over her.
00:47:00.652 --> 00:47:02.404
Then, this time, do something about it, Peter.
00:47:02.571 --> 00:47:03.572
(TOBEY SCOFFS)
00:47:07.075 --> 00:47:08.285
You're right.
00:47:08.785 --> 00:47:10.996
You're right, I got to go to Miami,
and I got to win her back.
00:47:11.079 --> 00:47:13.499
- Yes, dude. Yes. Awesome.
- Okay, okay.
00:47:13.582 --> 00:47:17.461
The first flight out of Charleston
gets in at 1Ø:Ø0 a.m. tomorrow morning.
00:47:17.544 --> 00:47:18.670
TOBEY: No.
JOE: Oh. There is a train
00:47:18.754 --> 00:47:22.174
that gets there tomorrow afternoon
and there's room in the quiet car.
00:47:22.591 --> 00:47:24.426
Not quick enough. You got to sad astronaut.
00:47:25.969 --> 00:47:27.095
- What?
- Huh?
00:47:27.679 --> 00:47:29.139
He has to sad astronaut.
00:47:29.473 --> 00:47:30.724
- Okay, what is that?
- JAKE: That's nothing to me.
00:47:30.807 --> 00:47:32.684
- Sad astronaut?
- TOBEY: That news story?
00:47:32.768 --> 00:47:34.937
Okay. (EXHALES)
00:47:35.854 --> 00:47:37.606
Lisa Marie Nowak was an astronaut.
00:47:39.691 --> 00:47:42.110
And she was in love
with another astronaut named Will.
00:47:42.736 --> 00:47:45.739
Now, Will cheated on Lisa
with some hottie Air Force captain.
00:47:45.864 --> 00:47:48.951
Lisa found out and was pissed.
00:47:49.326 --> 00:47:51.787
So, Lisa decided to deal with it.
00:47:53.038 --> 00:47:55.541
Once and for all.
And she got a bunch of adult diapers,
00:47:55.874 --> 00:47:57.209
so she wouldn't have to piss on the way,
00:47:57.584 --> 00:47:59.753
and she drove straight from
Houston to Orlando
00:47:59.962 --> 00:48:04.132
to, like, kidnap the Air Force...
It's... The story gets dark quick.
00:48:04.550 --> 00:48:08.428
Point is, she used that crazy
astrophysicist brain
00:48:09.012 --> 00:48:10.556
to find the quickest way to Florida.
00:48:11.473 --> 00:48:14.268
- You... You want to get Jess back, right?
- Yeah.
00:48:14.977 --> 00:48:17.771
Then you got to sad astronaut, bro.
00:48:19.356 --> 00:48:21.149
Let's get some diapers.
00:48:21.233 --> 00:48:22.651
MAN: (RAPPING)
La-da-da-da-dah
00:48:22.734 --> 00:48:24.736
It's the motherfuckin' D-O-double-G
00:48:24.820 --> 00:48:26.321
Snoop Dogg!
00:48:26.405 --> 00:48:28.699
La-da-da-da-dah, you know I'm mobbin'
00:48:28.824 --> 00:48:30.409
With the D-R-E
00:48:30.492 --> 00:48:32.452
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know who's back
00:48:32.536 --> 00:48:34.663
Up in this motherfucker?
00:48:34.746 --> 00:48:36.540
What, what, what, what...
00:48:36.623 --> 00:48:38.875
Not this brand! These leak!
00:48:39.042 --> 00:48:41.253
♪♪
00:48:49.052 --> 00:48:50.470
La-da-da-da-dah
00:48:50.554 --> 00:48:52.514
It's the motherfuckin' D-R-E
00:48:52.598 --> 00:48:54.099
- Dr. Dre, motherfucker
- What, what, what, what
00:48:54.182 --> 00:48:55.434
La-da-da-da-dah
00:48:55.517 --> 00:48:57.936
You know I'm mobbin' with the D-O-double-G
00:48:58.020 --> 00:49:00.314
Straight off the fuckin' streets of C-P-T
00:49:00.397 --> 00:49:02.190
King of the beats, you ride to 'em
00:49:02.274 --> 00:49:03.567
- In your Fleet
- Fleetwood
00:49:03.650 --> 00:49:05.777
Or Coupe de Ville rollin' on dubs
00:49:05.861 --> 00:49:08.113
How you feel? Whoopty-whoop, nigga, what?
00:49:08.196 --> 00:49:09.531
It's the next episode
00:49:09.615 --> 00:49:10.866
(OTHERS GRUNTING)
00:49:10.949 --> 00:49:13.577
JESS: Jesus Christ.
ALICE: It's not that bad.
00:49:13.785 --> 00:49:16.330
- I think it's the body on top.
- (OTHERS GRUNTING)
00:49:16.496 --> 00:49:18.290
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Okay.
00:49:19.041 --> 00:49:21.793
Okay, wait, does anyone know
how to actually drive this thing, or...
00:49:21.877 --> 00:49:22.878
PIPPA: I could do it.
00:49:23.045 --> 00:49:28.216
I, uh, I took one to school every day
growing up, so, I feel pretty confident.
00:49:28.300 --> 00:49:29.426
- Great.
- Perfect.
00:49:30.552 --> 00:49:31.678
LEA: Hello!
JESS: Oh, shit.
00:49:32.220 --> 00:49:34.681
- Hello!
- FRANKIE: Oh, my gosh. Shit!
00:49:34.765 --> 00:49:36.058
- The neighbors!
- Get him off. Get him off.
00:49:36.141 --> 00:49:37.476
Okay, oh, my God, oh, my God,
what do we do?
00:49:37.559 --> 00:49:39.353
- No, no... Okay. All right.
- JESS: No, no!
00:49:39.728 --> 00:49:41.271
(LAUGHING)
00:49:42.814 --> 00:49:44.274
- So happy to see you.
- Okay, uh...
00:49:44.441 --> 00:49:46.360
- Nope.
- Dang.
00:49:46.985 --> 00:49:48.820
We hoped you were skinny-dipping.
00:49:49.404 --> 00:49:50.530
- No. (LAUGHING)
- No.
00:49:50.614 --> 00:49:51.657
- Nope.
- Okay.
00:49:51.865 --> 00:49:54.743
- My, my.
- What do we have here?
00:49:55.410 --> 00:49:56.662
FRANKIE: Oh.
00:49:56.745 --> 00:49:58.330
WOMEN: Oh.
BLAIR: Oh, wow.
00:49:58.413 --> 00:50:02.709
Um, you know, I think they just wanted
to make love in international waters.
00:50:02.959 --> 00:50:05.253
- PIETRO: Ah, yeah.
- Maybe they need our help.
00:50:05.837 --> 00:50:09.549
Uh, no. I think we should probably let them
do their thing, you know?
00:50:09.800 --> 00:50:11.218
So, let's just...
00:50:11.635 --> 00:50:13.720
Well, this certainly gets me in the mood.
00:50:14.388 --> 00:50:15.806
- JESS: Hey, Blair.
- Oh. Uh-huh?
00:50:15.889 --> 00:50:19.142
- You need a tampon?
- Um, maybe. (LAUGHS)
00:50:19.226 --> 00:50:21.520
We just opened
a bottle of Chateauneuf Du Pape,
00:50:21.603 --> 00:50:24.231
and we're listening to some
remastered Fleetwood Mac.
00:50:24.356 --> 00:50:26.942
- Oh, that's so nice.
- Oh! It is so good,
00:50:27.025 --> 00:50:29.361
you could hear the cocaine in Stevie's voice.
00:50:29.444 --> 00:50:30.737
- I bet.
- We'd love for you to join us.
00:50:30.821 --> 00:50:32.739
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- Um, no pressure.
00:50:32.823 --> 00:50:35.075
Unless it's asked for.
00:50:35.325 --> 00:50:37.327
(LAUGHS) Okay.
00:50:37.869 --> 00:50:39.371
I am fully exhausted.
00:50:39.454 --> 00:50:41.581
- So tired, you know?
- Oh, understood.
00:50:41.665 --> 00:50:43.333
We're fluent in body language.
00:50:43.417 --> 00:50:44.918
Oh, I bet you are.
00:50:45.127 --> 00:50:47.295
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
00:50:47.671 --> 00:50:49.089
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
00:50:49.297 --> 00:50:51.133
ALICE: All right.
00:50:51.466 --> 00:50:53.510
- (BLAIR LAUGHS)
- (THUDS)
00:50:53.802 --> 00:50:54.845
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
00:50:54.928 --> 00:50:56.680
- Pippa. They're gone. Pippa.
- They're moving out.
00:50:56.763 --> 00:50:58.348
- What is going on there?
- Pippa!
00:50:58.432 --> 00:50:59.641
- Pippa!
- What?
00:50:59.850 --> 00:51:01.351
Oh, my God. Wow.
00:51:01.435 --> 00:51:02.811
Yeah. Okay.
00:51:02.978 --> 00:51:03.979
(EXHALES)
00:51:05.230 --> 00:51:06.565
- Sorry.
- ALICE: Wow, dude.
00:51:06.690 --> 00:51:08.358
- Let's dump him, yeah?
- ALICE: Yeah, let's dump him.
00:51:08.442 --> 00:51:09.651
PIPPA: Let's do the dump.
00:51:11.862 --> 00:51:13.947
(QUIET GRUNTING)
00:51:15.574 --> 00:51:18.034
- Oof.
- Okay, Spanish language CDs.
00:51:18.160 --> 00:51:19.786
Uh, if Jess hooked up
with a Spanish speaker,
00:51:19.870 --> 00:51:21.538
- you're gonna want to reason with him.
- Gracias.
00:51:22.205 --> 00:51:24.082
Oh, um, and I got this
generic Russian Adderall.
00:51:24.166 --> 00:51:25.584
My little brother ordered it online.
00:51:25.667 --> 00:51:26.877
It will help you focus.
00:51:26.960 --> 00:51:29.963
It's super strong, but it is expired, so...
00:51:30.213 --> 00:51:31.465
- Thank you so much.
- Hey.
00:51:31.548 --> 00:51:32.966
- I love you.
- I love you, too, dude.
00:51:33.049 --> 00:51:35.302
- Get her back.
- Thanks.
00:51:36.011 --> 00:51:38.096
- Mmm...
- (LIQUID SPLATTERING)
00:51:38.305 --> 00:51:39.556
You are peeing.
00:51:39.639 --> 00:51:41.141
I'm so scared.
00:51:42.851 --> 00:51:45.562
I feel like we should say something.
00:51:45.854 --> 00:51:46.980
FRANKIE: Yeah.
BLAIR: Yeah. Good idea.
00:51:48.523 --> 00:51:50.233
We're really sorry.
00:51:50.734 --> 00:51:51.902
You deserved better.
00:51:51.985 --> 00:51:53.069
BLAIR: Mmm.
FRANKIE AND ALICE: Yeah.
00:51:53.320 --> 00:51:56.031
There's nothing we could do
to bring you back, but...
00:51:56.364 --> 00:51:59.826
We promise to spend the rest of our lives
trying to be better people.
00:52:01.661 --> 00:52:04.206
- We owe that to you.
- ALICE: Mmm-hmm.
00:52:05.290 --> 00:52:06.583
God, we're so sorry.
00:52:07.292 --> 00:52:08.335
So sorry.
00:52:08.710 --> 00:52:09.878
So sorry, man.
00:52:10.420 --> 00:52:11.671
We suck.
00:52:12.047 --> 00:52:14.758
(SIGHING, SNIFFLING)
00:52:15.550 --> 00:52:17.302
Okay, you can dump him now!
00:52:17.677 --> 00:52:19.304
Aye aye, Captain.
00:52:19.888 --> 00:52:22.265
(STARTS ENGINE)
00:52:24.017 --> 00:52:26.102
This never happened. Right?
00:52:26.853 --> 00:52:28.814
- Nope.
- It... It happened.
00:52:29.105 --> 00:52:30.273
Right?
00:52:30.899 --> 00:52:32.776
- No, we're not gonna talk about it.
- Oh, got it, got it.
00:52:34.820 --> 00:52:36.613
Okay, bye. (GRUNTS)
00:52:36.696 --> 00:52:37.864
BLAIR: Oh.
JESS: Whoa.
00:52:37.948 --> 00:52:40.158
That could have been more delicate, huh?
00:52:40.367 --> 00:52:42.619
(ENGINE ROARING)
00:52:43.745 --> 00:52:44.996
She's going really fast.
00:52:45.622 --> 00:52:46.748
I did it!
00:52:46.832 --> 00:52:49.584
- Oh, my God, what the fuck is she doing?
- What is she doing?
00:52:50.502 --> 00:52:52.712
- (YELLS)
- BLAIR: Holy shit!
00:52:53.380 --> 00:52:55.632
ALICE: Oh, my God!
JESS: Are you okay?
00:52:56.424 --> 00:52:58.260
- I'm good. I'm really good.
- (NECK CRACKS)
00:52:59.010 --> 00:53:01.680
Are you sure,
'cause you landed right on your neck.
00:53:01.888 --> 00:53:04.891
Yeah, I just did a sort of straight shot,
landed on the neck...
00:53:04.975 --> 00:53:06.726
- (CRACK)
- ...snap, and we're back up.
00:53:07.143 --> 00:53:08.270
- It was good.
- What happened?
00:53:08.353 --> 00:53:09.771
I thought you knew
how to drive those things.
00:53:09.855 --> 00:53:13.567
Yeah, no, I definitely do, but, um,
I think the gas and the brake are different
00:53:13.650 --> 00:53:15.277
- in Australia, so I got confused.
- (CRACK)
00:53:15.443 --> 00:53:18.363
- How are you alive right now?
- I don't know.
00:53:18.488 --> 00:53:20.115
But I'll take it.
00:53:20.699 --> 00:53:21.992
(LAUGHING)
00:53:22.534 --> 00:53:24.911
Well, body dumped, girl's alive.
00:53:25.829 --> 00:53:27.914
- What's next?
- We should get the fuck out of here.
00:53:27.998 --> 00:53:29.583
- Great idea.
- Yeah, I like that.
00:53:30.125 --> 00:53:32.335
JESS: Let's do that.
BLAIR: You sure you're okay?
00:53:36.756 --> 00:53:37.757
Guys?
00:53:38.174 --> 00:53:40.051
She should probably get a CAT scan.
00:53:40.135 --> 00:53:41.261
PIPPA: Okay.
00:53:43.013 --> 00:53:44.097
She's fine.
00:53:44.806 --> 00:53:46.975
- (WOMEN GRUNTING)
- (WHEELS SQUEAKING)
00:53:47.392 --> 00:53:50.061
- Is there any more pizza left?
- I don't think so.
00:53:50.145 --> 00:53:51.146
No!
00:53:51.479 --> 00:53:52.731
Jesus, dude, we can order more.
00:53:52.814 --> 00:53:54.441
No, not that. That!
00:53:54.733 --> 00:53:56.568
BLAIR: What?
ALICE: The sexy neighbors!
00:53:56.651 --> 00:53:58.528
- Oh...
- They have footage of us dumping the body.
00:53:58.904 --> 00:54:00.572
We should just turn ourselves in, right?
00:54:00.739 --> 00:54:02.240
- We're fucked.
- No.
00:54:02.490 --> 00:54:05.327
We got rid of the body. We just have to
get rid of the footage, that's all.
00:54:05.410 --> 00:54:06.453
- Right?
- ALICE: Yes.
00:54:06.703 --> 00:54:07.871
- Yep. Yep.
- Yeah, okay.
00:54:07.954 --> 00:54:09.664
- Yes.
- Well, how?
00:54:10.123 --> 00:54:12.667
FRANKIE: Um...
00:54:15.378 --> 00:54:16.504
No.
00:54:17.255 --> 00:54:18.298
Absolutely not.
00:54:18.381 --> 00:54:19.758
Thank you. Oh.
00:54:19.841 --> 00:54:21.843
WOMAN: (SINGING)
Make love to me
00:54:22.093 --> 00:54:24.054
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
00:54:24.804 --> 00:54:26.514
BLAIR: Mmm.
00:54:27.265 --> 00:54:29.017
Your house is so, um...
00:54:30.727 --> 00:54:32.854
- Funky.
- Thank you.
00:54:33.146 --> 00:54:34.314
You should see our panic room.
00:54:34.397 --> 00:54:35.857
(LAUGHING)
00:54:37.484 --> 00:54:38.485
(CHUCKLES)
00:54:39.653 --> 00:54:40.737
Mmm.
00:54:41.071 --> 00:54:42.238
May I?
00:54:42.906 --> 00:54:44.366
Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm.
00:54:45.700 --> 00:54:46.701
(GASPS)
00:54:49.287 --> 00:54:52.123
It's happening. God, you make me red-hot.
00:54:54.459 --> 00:54:56.378
(BOTH MOAN)
00:55:00.548 --> 00:55:02.425
(ALL MOANING)
00:55:03.468 --> 00:55:06.638
(LAUGHS) You know what would be
really, really sexy?
00:55:07.013 --> 00:55:08.223
Please tell me.
00:55:08.890 --> 00:55:10.016
If we got this on tape.
00:55:12.018 --> 00:55:14.104
Oh, you naughty girl.
00:55:14.229 --> 00:55:15.730
BLAIR: Mmm-hmm.
LEA: Ooh.
00:55:15.897 --> 00:55:17.315
BLAIR: Oh! (LAUGHS)
00:55:17.399 --> 00:55:21.987
Actually, I noticed that you guys have
these cameras outside and it's always been
00:55:22.487 --> 00:55:26.241
a fantasy of mine to get caught
on a security camera, so...
00:55:29.035 --> 00:55:30.078
Mesdemoiselles?
00:55:30.954 --> 00:55:32.414
Oh, okay. Okay.
00:55:32.497 --> 00:55:33.915
(LEA GIGGLES)
00:55:35.667 --> 00:55:36.835
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
00:55:37.168 --> 00:55:39.504
(PIETRO AND LEA MOANING)
00:55:39.587 --> 00:55:44.050
WOMAN: (SINGING)
It's all I can do to see this through
00:55:44.134 --> 00:55:45.427
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)
00:55:45.552 --> 00:55:47.804
See it through
00:55:47.887 --> 00:55:49.014
Okay.
00:55:49.097 --> 00:55:51.975
It's all that I want
00:55:52.934 --> 00:55:56.146
- Oh, okay. Yeah.
- Is it okay that we're watching this?
00:55:56.563 --> 00:56:00.316
Yeah, we're watching for Blair.
You know, for her safety. We're monitoring.
00:56:00.442 --> 00:56:02.777
- Man, Blair looks great.
- Yeah, she looks great.
00:56:03.153 --> 00:56:05.363
- LEA: You ready?
- Uh...
00:56:06.072 --> 00:56:07.866
- Yeah, think so.
- All right.
00:56:08.283 --> 00:56:09.284
(CHUCKLES)
00:56:09.367 --> 00:56:11.953
- Oh! (GASPING, LAUGHING)
- Relax.
00:56:12.620 --> 00:56:13.663
- Oh!
- I've got you.
00:56:13.997 --> 00:56:15.415
- BLAIR: Holy shit!
- Oh, my...
00:56:15.623 --> 00:56:17.917
- Interesting.
- She's showing off. To me.
00:56:18.251 --> 00:56:19.669
- BLAIR: Yes! Yes!
- (LAUGHS) Whoa.
00:56:19.753 --> 00:56:21.004
Give me those. Give me those.
00:56:22.130 --> 00:56:24.966
- Oh...
- (HORN HONKS)
00:56:25.133 --> 00:56:28.470
Sadness, look at us now
00:56:28.595 --> 00:56:31.056
- (SLURPS)
- (CLATTERS)
00:56:31.139 --> 00:56:33.308
The best of me, sadness
00:56:33.391 --> 00:56:34.768
(LINE RINGING)
00:56:34.851 --> 00:56:36.644
ON VOICE MAIL: Hey,
it's Jess. Leave a message.
00:56:37.020 --> 00:56:38.396
Jess, it's Peter.
00:56:39.647 --> 00:56:41.816
How are you? Um...
00:56:43.651 --> 00:56:46.988
Just calling again. Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, man.
00:56:47.405 --> 00:56:49.074
What a story this'll be, huh?
00:56:49.574 --> 00:56:51.659
For the grand kids. If we get married.
00:56:51.868 --> 00:56:54.954
Um, do me a favor, call me back.
Let me know you're okay.
00:56:55.163 --> 00:56:57.582
Got burned but I learned
it was all for the better
00:56:57.916 --> 00:57:00.001
I love you so much. Please call me. Bye.
00:57:00.168 --> 00:57:03.797
Back together, never thought
I could take all the wrongs
00:57:03.922 --> 00:57:07.008
And turn them to right
00:57:08.259 --> 00:57:11.763
Tonight
00:57:11.930 --> 00:57:14.974
Sadness, look at us now
00:57:15.183 --> 00:57:16.851
(LINE RINGING)
00:57:17.018 --> 00:57:18.686
ON VOICE MAIL: Hey,
it's Jess. Leave a message.
00:57:18.853 --> 00:57:20.939
- (BEEPS)
- Jess!
00:57:21.314 --> 00:57:22.440
BLAIR: Yes!
00:57:22.524 --> 00:57:24.818
- (PANTING)
- (MOANING)
00:57:24.901 --> 00:57:26.194
(CHUCKLES)
00:57:26.277 --> 00:57:28.154
- (PANTING)
- (WHOOPS)
00:57:28.238 --> 00:57:30.240
- (EXHALES) Ho!
- Oh.
00:57:30.323 --> 00:57:34.202
Um, I would love
a copy of the tape, you know,
00:57:34.285 --> 00:57:37.122
for, like, jerking off later, whatever.
00:57:37.622 --> 00:57:39.332
Me, too. What's the tape?
00:57:40.291 --> 00:57:42.877
The tape. The, uh...
The naughty tape we just made.
00:57:42.961 --> 00:57:44.504
You know, the DVD or the...
00:57:44.838 --> 00:57:46.589
You know, from the cameras.
00:57:46.714 --> 00:57:49.217
- Oh. (SCOFFS) Those don't work.
- (CHUCKLES)
00:57:49.509 --> 00:57:52.720
- Excuse me, what?
- Yeah, they don't work, like she said.
00:57:52.846 --> 00:57:54.889
But we know that's not what this was about.
00:57:54.973 --> 00:57:56.766
Right? This was fantasy fulfillment.
00:57:57.308 --> 00:57:59.727
- Creating a mise en scène.
- I'm sorry. Why, um...
00:58:01.271 --> 00:58:04.232
Why would someone have
security cameras that don't work?
00:58:04.482 --> 00:58:05.900
They didn't charge us
for the first three months.
00:58:05.984 --> 00:58:07.360
After that, we didn't want
to pay for the service.
00:58:07.652 --> 00:58:09.112
LEA: You know, they keep out the riffraff.
00:58:09.445 --> 00:58:11.823
You'll just have to jerk off as the Italians do.
00:58:12.365 --> 00:58:13.992
- To your memories.
- Mmm.
00:58:16.578 --> 00:58:20.290
Wait, so, Blair, so there's no footage?
00:58:20.790 --> 00:58:22.500
- (URINATING)
- No.
00:58:22.917 --> 00:58:24.961
- Ah!
- Oh, my gosh. So we're in the clear!
00:58:25.044 --> 00:58:26.921
- (LAUGHING)
- That is... That's great.
00:58:27.005 --> 00:58:29.424
- Yeah.
- BLAIR: She was so intuitive.
00:58:31.426 --> 00:58:33.636
She was inside me.
00:58:34.637 --> 00:58:36.181
And then she was outside me.
00:58:38.516 --> 00:58:40.143
And then she was me.
00:58:41.352 --> 00:58:44.898
- So, we're good.
- Almost, except I probably have HPV now.
00:58:45.315 --> 00:58:46.441
Whatever. We all have HPV.
00:58:46.649 --> 00:58:48.985
Oh, uh, I mean, I don't have HPV.
00:58:49.485 --> 00:58:54.115
Alice, they say if you had sex
after the year 1991, you have HPV.
00:58:54.782 --> 00:58:56.743
Then, I mean, I definitely have HPV then.
00:58:56.993 --> 00:58:59.037
I have, like, clumps and clumps of it.
00:59:00.580 --> 00:59:03.041
Cool. Uh, let's clean up
and get the hell out of here.
00:59:03.249 --> 00:59:04.334
- Okay.
- Whatcha, whatcha gon' do?
00:59:05.084 --> 00:59:06.586
I call it housework
00:59:06.669 --> 00:59:08.630
'Cause it's light work
00:59:08.713 --> 00:59:10.256
- Whatcha, whatcha gon' do?
- I'm-a throw shapes
00:59:10.340 --> 00:59:12.258
Feeling the bass till my feet hurt
00:59:12.675 --> 00:59:15.970
I call it housework, 'cause it's light work
00:59:16.095 --> 00:59:17.972
- Whatcha, whatcha gon' do?
- But I'm-a throw shade
00:59:18.139 --> 00:59:19.933
If I don't get paid for this housework
00:59:20.433 --> 00:59:21.976
Would you come along
00:59:22.060 --> 00:59:23.770
Oh, with my friends
00:59:23.853 --> 00:59:25.855
And to leave, I'm working
00:59:26.314 --> 00:59:28.441
- Every weekend
- Housework
00:59:28.691 --> 00:59:29.692
Wow.
00:59:30.109 --> 00:59:31.569
- Okay.
- Looks pretty good.
00:59:31.653 --> 00:59:33.029
- We did good.
- Got it.
00:59:33.112 --> 00:59:36.074
- Yes. Nice. High five, everyone.
- Lovely.
00:59:36.574 --> 00:59:38.618
Whatcha gon' do, gon' do?
00:59:38.743 --> 00:59:40.828
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE)
00:59:41.079 --> 00:59:43.706
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
00:59:44.123 --> 00:59:46.209
WOMAN: (ON TAPE) This child is not my son.
00:59:47.502 --> 00:59:49.254
(SIREN WAILING)
00:59:51.547 --> 00:59:53.174
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE)
00:59:53.383 --> 00:59:55.468
- (SIREN WHOOPING)
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:59:56.386 --> 00:59:58.429
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE)
00:59:59.222 --> 01:00:01.307
PETER: Shit. My pants.
01:00:01.891 --> 01:00:04.852
- (GROANS)
- (CLATTERING)
01:00:05.228 --> 01:00:07.188
(SINGSONGY) I don't have time for this.
01:00:16.781 --> 01:00:18.032
Good evening, Officer.
01:00:18.157 --> 01:00:19.659
How can I be of service to you?
01:00:20.201 --> 01:00:22.161
- Sir, you been drinking?
- Absolutely not.
01:00:22.453 --> 01:00:25.123
I did do a wine tasting earlier this evening,
Italian reds mostly,
01:00:25.206 --> 01:00:26.791
but you don't really drink it, you mostly spit.
01:00:26.874 --> 01:00:28.167
You take sips and you spit into a bucket.
01:00:28.251 --> 01:00:30.670
What the... All right, sir, I'm gonna ask
you to get out of the vehicle.
01:00:30.753 --> 01:00:31.838
- No.
- Now!
01:00:31.921 --> 01:00:33.214
- Officer...
- Now!
01:00:33.423 --> 01:00:35.258
Hands. Move slow.
01:00:38.553 --> 01:00:40.471
(CLATTERING)
01:00:42.307 --> 01:00:43.599
Officer, I can explain.
01:00:44.309 --> 01:00:45.393
She's a 20!
01:00:46.519 --> 01:00:47.603
ALICE: Okay, before we go,
01:00:48.021 --> 01:00:49.522
we got to do human friendtipede, yeah?
01:00:49.605 --> 01:00:50.648
- What?
- Alice.
01:00:50.732 --> 01:00:52.025
- No way.
- ALICE: Yes.
01:00:52.483 --> 01:00:54.902
- It's tradition.
- Alice, quick "Q."
01:00:55.528 --> 01:00:57.238
What is a human friendtipede?
01:00:57.447 --> 01:01:00.408
It's a photo we always take
that's like the movie Human Centipede.
01:01:00.575 --> 01:01:03.995
Where they're sewn together,
mouth to anus, but it's with friends,
01:01:04.120 --> 01:01:06.331
- so it's special.
- Come on now, Alice.
01:01:06.456 --> 01:01:08.291
- I don't know about that.
- I feel like not the appropriate...
01:01:08.499 --> 01:01:11.336
Guys, if I don't post a ton of pictures
from this weekend,
01:01:11.502 --> 01:01:12.920
it's gonna look suspicious.
01:01:13.087 --> 01:01:14.213
Like we killed someone.
01:01:14.797 --> 01:01:17.008
(SIGHS) Okay. I can't believe I'm saying this,
01:01:17.091 --> 01:01:18.593
but I think we should
do the human friendtipede.
01:01:18.760 --> 01:01:21.929
- Yes!
- But we cannot photograph the crime scene.
01:01:22.013 --> 01:01:23.598
(CHUCKLES) Okay. I get the middle.
01:01:24.682 --> 01:01:26.476
(GROANS) Why do you want the middle?
01:01:27.060 --> 01:01:29.145
Okay. Oh, my God, amazoir.
01:01:29.771 --> 01:01:31.439
Say "friendtipede."
01:01:31.522 --> 01:01:32.982
ALL: Friendtipede!
01:01:33.483 --> 01:01:35.651
(GASPS) Cute.
01:01:35.818 --> 01:01:37.528
(LAUGHS) Yes!
01:01:37.612 --> 01:01:39.322
- Let's see it.
- It's ridiculous.
01:01:39.405 --> 01:01:40.490
(ALICE SCREAMS)
01:01:40.573 --> 01:01:43.743
- Alice, stop. You look really pretty.
- No, look!
01:01:44.827 --> 01:01:45.828
(GASPING)
01:01:46.079 --> 01:01:49.582
- Oh, my God.
- No! Come on! No!
01:01:50.083 --> 01:01:52.335
- Oh, shit! Damn it!
- Is that our guy?
01:01:52.418 --> 01:01:53.419
(JESS GROANING)
01:01:53.544 --> 01:01:55.129
- Are you kidding me?
- Oh, shit!
01:01:55.421 --> 01:01:56.798
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
01:01:57.006 --> 01:01:59.092
(GRUNTING) God,
I thought you weighed him down.
01:01:59.217 --> 01:02:02.387
I did. I put rocks in his pockets.
I guess his pants fell off.
01:02:02.553 --> 01:02:04.222
Men need to wear belts.
01:02:04.347 --> 01:02:06.808
Yeah. How dare they not sink
when we murder them.
01:02:08.309 --> 01:02:11.229
Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q, P, O,
01:02:11.312 --> 01:02:15.066
N, M, L, K, J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.
01:02:15.525 --> 01:02:17.652
(GRUNTING)
01:02:19.028 --> 01:02:21.114
(EXHALING)
01:02:24.784 --> 01:02:25.910
Okay.
01:02:26.577 --> 01:02:28.121
(EXHALES)
01:02:28.329 --> 01:02:30.331
(WAVERING SCOFFS)
01:02:31.916 --> 01:02:33.292
Did you see that?
01:02:34.544 --> 01:02:38.965
- You only had to walk a straight line.
- I know. I just followed my body.
01:02:39.382 --> 01:02:40.967
- Are you a dancer or...
- No.
01:02:41.050 --> 01:02:43.010
I've never done anything
like that before in my life.
01:02:43.469 --> 01:02:44.846
I still got to give you a speeding ticket.
01:02:45.179 --> 01:02:46.806
Please. That's great.
01:02:47.265 --> 01:02:48.349
Slow down.
01:02:48.641 --> 01:02:50.518
- Thank you, Officer.
- I almost shot you.
01:02:50.643 --> 01:02:53.855
(CHUCKLES) I know. That was nuts.
Also, don't shoot anybody.
01:02:54.856 --> 01:02:56.816
(GROANING)
01:02:56.899 --> 01:02:59.110
We can't get rid of his body
in broad daylight, you guys.
01:02:59.193 --> 01:03:01.195
We have to think of something. Come on.
01:03:01.320 --> 01:03:02.780
- (SIGHS)
- Ideas?
01:03:02.864 --> 01:03:04.449
- (SNORING)
- Kiwi! You up?
01:03:04.532 --> 01:03:05.908
Yeah. Yeah.
01:03:05.992 --> 01:03:09.120
- We need everyone's brain on this, so...
- Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
01:03:09.454 --> 01:03:11.873
So, um, here's what I'm gonna do.
01:03:12.206 --> 01:03:13.708
I'm gonna go to the beach
01:03:14.000 --> 01:03:15.960
and do a bit of mindful meditation.
01:03:16.169 --> 01:03:18.212
And, um, when I come back,
01:03:18.337 --> 01:03:20.131
I'm gonna have a be-genius idea.
01:03:20.673 --> 01:03:22.758
Yeah? All right.
01:03:23.301 --> 01:03:24.760
(YAWNS) We got it.
01:03:25.219 --> 01:03:27.930
(GASPS) We're never gonna
get rid of his body.
01:03:28.514 --> 01:03:30.391
He's gonna follow us around
for the rest of our lives.
01:03:30.725 --> 01:03:32.310
BLAIR: Oh, God.
FRANKIE: Oh, no.
01:03:32.477 --> 01:03:33.478
- (LOUD POUNDING)
- MAN: Police!
01:03:33.561 --> 01:03:35.813
- Shit.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
01:03:35.897 --> 01:03:37.940
Do you think the neighbors called them?
Maybe they got suspicious.
01:03:38.399 --> 01:03:40.109
- Oh, my God.
- Police! Open up! Now!
01:03:40.359 --> 01:03:43.529
Women, this is my world. I will handle this.
I got you.
01:03:44.197 --> 01:03:45.531
Turn out the lights and hide.
01:03:45.698 --> 01:03:48.242
(POUNDING CONTINUES)
01:03:52.580 --> 01:03:54.499
(MIMICS GUN COCKING, BLOWS)
01:03:57.919 --> 01:04:01.297
(HIGH-PITCHED) Oh, good evening, Officer.
(CHUCKLES)
01:04:01.631 --> 01:04:02.882
Step aside, miss.
01:04:03.216 --> 01:04:04.717
What's this all about?
01:04:05.009 --> 01:04:06.135
Put your hands where I can see them.
01:04:06.385 --> 01:04:10.056
(NORMAL VOICE) Officer, I am cooperating.
You see? Hello.
01:04:10.139 --> 01:04:11.474
Get your hands against the wall.
01:04:11.557 --> 01:04:12.683
- I am not...
- Get your hands against the wall!
01:04:12.767 --> 01:04:14.810
FRANKIE: I am taking a passive stance.
01:04:14.894 --> 01:04:16.687
My body is limp for you!
01:04:17.063 --> 01:04:18.439
Spread them.
01:04:18.606 --> 01:04:20.942
(FRANKIE WHIMPERING)
01:04:23.444 --> 01:04:25.530
What are you doing? No.
01:04:25.988 --> 01:04:27.281
No! No!
01:04:27.448 --> 01:04:28.950
(GRUNTING)
01:04:29.367 --> 01:04:31.202
- Fuck!
- Jesus!
01:04:32.119 --> 01:04:35.164
- Frankie! Frankie!
- Oh, my God.
01:04:35.456 --> 01:04:37.708
Now we have a dead guy
and an unconscious cop?
01:04:37.792 --> 01:04:39.460
- What is wrong with you?
- Are you kidding me?
01:04:39.544 --> 01:04:42.338
He's obviously a rape cop.
This is what they do!
01:04:42.547 --> 01:04:44.298
When they have dirt on you,
they sexually assault you,
01:04:44.382 --> 01:04:45.675
knowing you won't report it.
01:04:45.925 --> 01:04:48.386
- Daniel Holtzclaw, Oklahoma City?
- Who?
01:04:48.636 --> 01:04:50.221
He sexually assaulted eight women.
01:04:50.972 --> 01:04:52.848
Like Matt Dillon in Crash.
01:04:53.140 --> 01:04:55.768
- Oh, my God, that was horrendous.
- What a nightmare.
01:04:55.851 --> 01:04:58.229
Information is power, guys.
I mean it. I mean it.
01:04:58.312 --> 01:04:59.605
Okay, chill out. You're from Brentwood,
01:04:59.689 --> 01:05:01.482
and your dad used to be
John Mayer's accountant.
01:05:02.066 --> 01:05:05.570
Okay. "You are not your father's daughters
but mothers unto your own."
01:05:05.653 --> 01:05:06.946
Wait, is that John Mayer?
01:05:07.280 --> 01:05:08.990
It's Malcolm X.
01:05:09.699 --> 01:05:11.284
- Pretty sure it's John Mayer.
- (SINGING) Fathers, fathers
01:05:11.492 --> 01:05:13.286
Okay, you guys, you guys,
we have to move this guy
01:05:13.369 --> 01:05:15.913
before the neighbors return
to eat Blair out again.
01:05:16.163 --> 01:05:17.999
- (GROANS)
- I'd be fine with that.
01:05:18.082 --> 01:05:19.292
- All right.
- Fuck.
01:05:19.375 --> 01:05:21.294
All right, one, two, three.
01:05:22.712 --> 01:05:24.171
(ALL GASP)
01:05:25.298 --> 01:05:26.299
Uh...
01:05:27.341 --> 01:05:30.803
Frankie, how many strippers did you order?
01:05:32.221 --> 01:05:33.514
Just the one.
01:05:34.390 --> 01:05:36.267
Then who's this guy?
01:05:37.810 --> 01:05:39.228
- Let me see his dick real quick.
- Good call.
01:05:39.395 --> 01:05:41.814
- Wait, what?
- The stripper I ordered had a dick pic
01:05:41.897 --> 01:05:43.399
in his ad. No face.
01:05:43.482 --> 01:05:46.861
- But I can ID him by his member.
- Cool. Okay.
01:05:48.321 --> 01:05:49.322
(SIGHS)
01:05:51.699 --> 01:05:53.075
I'm not sure.
01:05:53.159 --> 01:05:54.744
He had a boner in his ad.
01:05:54.827 --> 01:05:56.203
This one's soft.
01:05:56.621 --> 01:05:59.457
I can get it hard. Let's go, feet.
01:05:59.749 --> 01:06:02.043
- What? No. No, no, no, no.
- Stop. No, wait. Stop, please.
01:06:03.711 --> 01:06:04.712
(SIGHS)
01:06:06.714 --> 01:06:07.715
(ELASTIC SNAPS)
01:06:08.007 --> 01:06:10.176
Okay, yes. This is the stripper I ordered.
01:06:10.635 --> 01:06:12.219
This is Scotty with the Body.
01:06:13.596 --> 01:06:14.889
Then who did we kill?
01:06:17.266 --> 01:06:19.769
- (WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE)
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
01:06:32.907 --> 01:06:33.908
(BEEPS)
01:06:35.451 --> 01:06:37.411
(RINGTONE PLAYS)
01:06:38.788 --> 01:06:40.706
- Hello?
- AUTOMATED VOICE: This is Banknorth.
01:06:40.790 --> 01:06:43.292
We have detected unusual activity
on your account.
01:06:43.542 --> 01:06:45.044
If you have attempted a purchase at
01:06:45.127 --> 01:06:48.339
Quickie Stop in Port St. Lucie,
please press one.
01:06:49.882 --> 01:06:50.883
(BEEPS)
01:06:51.050 --> 01:06:52.343
Thank you for pressing two.
01:06:52.677 --> 01:06:55.054
Your card has been suspended
due to unusual activity.
01:06:55.137 --> 01:06:56.430
No. No.
01:06:57.306 --> 01:06:58.307
(SIGHS)
01:06:59.433 --> 01:07:01.435
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:07:02.353 --> 01:07:03.354
(SIGHS)
01:07:07.692 --> 01:07:09.068
(GROANS)
01:07:11.737 --> 01:07:13.114
BLAIR: How's that?
ALICE: Yeah, that's good.
01:07:15.282 --> 01:07:17.451
If you're looking for our cell phones,
I locked them in this drawer
01:07:17.535 --> 01:07:18.786
and I'm not gonna open it, okay?
01:07:19.078 --> 01:07:22.707
Please let me at least text Peter.
I feel like he's totally freaking out right now.
01:07:22.832 --> 01:07:24.417
FRANKIE: Not until everything is sorted out.
01:07:24.500 --> 01:07:25.751
We made a plan.
01:07:26.544 --> 01:07:28.045
Um, Alice.
01:07:28.129 --> 01:07:29.630
- What's up, dude? What are you doing?
- What?
01:07:30.548 --> 01:07:32.633
Oh, I'm just making sure nothing's broken.
01:07:33.008 --> 01:07:34.260
I think he's fine.
01:07:34.552 --> 01:07:35.845
Yeah, he's really fine.
01:07:36.178 --> 01:07:37.430
- Jesus.
- BLAIR: Oh, my God.
01:07:37.513 --> 01:07:40.808
You need to masturbate more.
You're, like, severely horny.
01:07:41.016 --> 01:07:44.311
(SIGHS) I know. I just don't like
to do it in front of my cockatiel.
01:07:44.437 --> 01:07:45.771
She's very smart.
01:07:46.105 --> 01:07:48.482
- Why don't you put her in a cage?
- She is in a cage.
01:07:48.858 --> 01:07:50.484
But I'm loud. I'm a screamer.
01:07:50.818 --> 01:07:52.486
- I remember.
- Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
01:07:52.570 --> 01:07:54.864
And it kind of sounds like her.
01:07:55.281 --> 01:07:56.741
So she thinks I'm talking to her.
01:07:57.491 --> 01:07:59.368
I'm like,
"No, I'm just fucking touching myself."
01:07:59.452 --> 01:08:01.412
- Like, "Back off."
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
01:08:01.829 --> 01:08:03.622
Cool, so back to our
life-changing emergency?
01:08:03.789 --> 01:08:06.959
- (DISGUSTED GROANS)
- Okay, the stripper's here, he's alive.
01:08:07.251 --> 01:08:09.503
- That's good. Right?
- JESS: Yeah.
01:08:10.087 --> 01:08:12.256
Um, there is still a dead guy
in the closet, so...
01:08:12.339 --> 01:08:14.049
- Who is that guy?
- BLAIR: We could get rid
01:08:14.133 --> 01:08:16.093
of him if we just had a car, you know?
01:08:16.427 --> 01:08:18.429
Oh, my God. How did this guy get here?
01:08:19.430 --> 01:08:20.431
(BLAIR GASPS)
01:08:22.016 --> 01:08:23.517
FRANKIE: Oh, yeah.
01:08:23.851 --> 01:08:25.436
That'll work.
01:08:26.228 --> 01:08:27.772
- Thank God!
- BLAIR: Will it?
01:08:28.397 --> 01:08:31.108
All right, we're gonna drive
to the alligator bog, dump the body.
01:08:31.650 --> 01:08:32.985
We're gonna return the Smart car,
01:08:33.068 --> 01:08:36.030
wake up the G-string guy,
tell him he hit his head really hard.
01:08:36.113 --> 01:08:37.990
- Blair's gonna give him a ton of cash.
- Wait, what?
01:08:38.073 --> 01:08:40.117
- And then we're home free.
- I love it. Yeah.
01:08:40.284 --> 01:08:42.536
♪♪
01:08:48.501 --> 01:08:50.002
ALICE: Alligator bog.
01:08:50.085 --> 01:08:53.339
GPS VOICE: You will arrive
at your destination in 45 minutes.
01:08:53.923 --> 01:08:55.382
MAN: (SINGING)
I'm a hustler, baby
01:08:55.466 --> 01:08:56.675
(QUIETLY) Yeah.
01:08:56.842 --> 01:08:59.094
That's what my daddy's made me
01:08:59.512 --> 01:09:01.472
Can I do your...
Do you mind if I do your thing?
01:09:02.807 --> 01:09:04.600
(LAUGHTER)
01:09:04.683 --> 01:09:06.060
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
01:09:06.143 --> 01:09:07.186
Don't litter.
01:09:08.646 --> 01:09:10.773
Yeah, I'm a hustler, baby
01:09:12.566 --> 01:09:14.568
That's what my daddy's made me
01:09:14.902 --> 01:09:16.862
♪♪
01:09:29.875 --> 01:09:31.335
All right.
01:09:31.585 --> 01:09:33.921
Hey, thanks a lot, man.
01:09:34.672 --> 01:09:36.173
- For you.
- Thank you so much.
01:09:36.257 --> 01:09:38.092
So, I got meth.
01:09:38.634 --> 01:09:40.427
You looking? 4Ø bucks.
01:09:40.636 --> 01:09:43.639
No, thank you so much.
I just need gas money.
01:09:44.473 --> 01:09:47.268
Hey, listen, do you want
to suck my dick for 15 bucks?
01:09:48.352 --> 01:09:50.187
- No. Thank you.
- Okay.
01:09:50.521 --> 01:09:51.772
Good luck, man.
01:09:51.981 --> 01:09:53.190
Thanks, man.
01:09:53.816 --> 01:09:55.734
♪♪
01:09:56.110 --> 01:09:58.445
(WHISTLING A TUNE)
01:09:59.488 --> 01:10:01.448
GPS VOICE: You will arrive in 25 minutes.
01:10:01.532 --> 01:10:03.117
BLAIR: (SCOFFS) This is so uncomfortable.
01:10:03.409 --> 01:10:05.327
I mean, does this thing go any faster?
01:10:08.455 --> 01:10:10.708
BLAIR: Wait!
JESS: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
01:10:11.000 --> 01:10:13.043
(GASPING, SCREAMING)
01:10:13.335 --> 01:10:15.963
(GASPING BREATHS, WHIMPERING)
01:10:19.174 --> 01:10:20.843
So it does go faster?
01:10:21.343 --> 01:10:22.344
Mmm-hmm.
01:10:22.636 --> 01:10:24.805
♪♪
01:10:26.557 --> 01:10:27.558
(SIGHS)
01:10:30.978 --> 01:10:33.063
- Hi, sir. May I...
- Whoa! Get the fuck away from my car.
01:10:33.272 --> 01:10:34.815
- Okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- God.
01:10:35.441 --> 01:10:36.984
Let me suck your dick real fast.
01:10:37.151 --> 01:10:38.235
What?
01:10:38.777 --> 01:10:41.113
- Please?
- No. What is with this place?
01:10:41.614 --> 01:10:43.073
Okay, listen...
01:10:43.574 --> 01:10:44.742
Do you have any meth?
01:10:46.327 --> 01:10:47.661
I'm a hustler, baby
01:10:49.872 --> 01:10:52.374
- I could sell you meth, yeah. Um...
- Really?
01:10:53.792 --> 01:10:56.086
- 8Ø bucks.
- 8Ø, uh, dollars...
01:10:56.629 --> 01:10:58.047
There you go.
01:10:58.255 --> 01:11:00.007
♪♪
01:11:03.177 --> 01:11:04.845
- (ELECTRONIC CHIMING)
- CLIFF: Do-do-do-do
01:11:04.929 --> 01:11:06.263
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
01:11:07.139 --> 01:11:09.683
- (WHISPERS) Um, I want to buy some meth.
- (GASPS) Oh!
01:11:10.893 --> 01:11:12.686
Only thing is, though,
01:11:12.978 --> 01:11:15.981
you got to do a little bump, though,
so I know that you're not a cop.
01:11:16.065 --> 01:11:18.275
No, man. Please. I'm not a cop.
01:11:18.567 --> 01:11:20.110
You want the meth or not?
01:11:21.528 --> 01:11:22.529
Okay.
01:11:22.780 --> 01:11:26.367
- Yay! Here we go.
- (SNIFFS)
01:11:26.450 --> 01:11:28.911
- And one for Papa Bear.
- It burns. All right.
01:11:29.078 --> 01:11:30.371
40 bucks. Not a cop. Come on.
01:11:32.498 --> 01:11:34.708
- (QUIETLY) Yes. Great. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
01:11:35.125 --> 01:11:37.544
So, uh, still a no-go on the BJ, or...
01:11:38.003 --> 01:11:39.380
No, I'm good. Thanks.
01:11:39.713 --> 01:11:41.298
That's fine.
01:11:42.466 --> 01:11:43.842
Actually,
01:11:44.510 --> 01:11:46.345
there's somebody I want to introduce you to.
01:11:47.054 --> 01:11:48.889
- Right on!
- Very nice to meet you.
01:11:48.973 --> 01:11:50.557
- Good to meet you, too.
- This is so perfect.
01:11:50.641 --> 01:11:53.018
- Yeah, go. Please, go.
- Okay. Okay.
01:11:54.061 --> 01:11:56.522
You got to do it, man. That's true love.
01:11:56.647 --> 01:11:57.648
♪♪
01:12:13.539 --> 01:12:15.082
Guys, I fell asleep.
01:12:15.165 --> 01:12:16.667
I fell asleep.
01:12:17.042 --> 01:12:20.129
I had this nightmare
where we had all killed a guy.
01:12:21.088 --> 01:12:22.423
- That is a reality.
- No, we killed somebody.
01:12:22.506 --> 01:12:24.717
What? No!
01:12:24.967 --> 01:12:28.804
Oh, my God! Jet lag is insane, you guys.
01:12:29.013 --> 01:12:30.472
It's no joke!
01:12:30.973 --> 01:12:32.224
No joke!
01:12:32.641 --> 01:12:33.892
Damn it!
01:12:34.643 --> 01:12:37.813
Did you happen to come up with
a be-genius idea out there?
01:12:38.063 --> 01:12:39.314
Yeah, I did, actually.
01:12:39.398 --> 01:12:43.569
In my dream, I remembered
that there was this guy in Australia
01:12:43.652 --> 01:12:45.529
who cooked his girlfriend and ate her.
01:12:45.696 --> 01:12:48.157
- Kiwi.
- I can't 'cause I am vegan.
01:12:48.240 --> 01:12:49.324
- But...
- Kiwi.
01:12:49.408 --> 01:12:51.076
JESS: Oh, God, I'm so tired.
01:12:51.952 --> 01:12:53.746
We should turn ourselves in. We're guilty.
01:12:53.829 --> 01:12:56.457
No, we are innocent, because
this was an accident, you guys.
01:12:56.665 --> 01:12:57.708
Stop saying that.
01:12:57.791 --> 01:13:01.128
Maybe if you hadn't been lethally horny,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
01:13:01.295 --> 01:13:03.922
I was coked up
because you bought us drugs.
01:13:04.131 --> 01:13:06.300
I didn't force you to do the drugs, Alice.
01:13:06.383 --> 01:13:08.093
And you know what,
nobody's talking about how it was
01:13:08.177 --> 01:13:10.012
Blair's idea to get a stripper
in the first place.
01:13:10.095 --> 01:13:12.014
Yeah, but you're never to blame, right?
01:13:12.097 --> 01:13:14.516
"Look at me, I'm Frankie.
I live in a storage unit.
01:13:14.641 --> 01:13:15.851
- "I'm saving the world."
- You know what?
01:13:15.934 --> 01:13:19.396
You act like everybody's so stupid
for not being a merciless asshole like you.
01:13:19.480 --> 01:13:21.774
- I'm the asshole?
- I mean, you're both kind of assholes.
01:13:21.857 --> 01:13:23.358
- Stay out of this.
- Seriously.
01:13:23.901 --> 01:13:25.611
Maybe you're the asshole, Alice.
01:13:25.778 --> 01:13:26.779
Oh, shit.
01:13:27.112 --> 01:13:28.363
Excuse me, bitch?
01:13:28.655 --> 01:13:29.698
(LAUGHS)
01:13:29.782 --> 01:13:31.325
I'm a fucking sweetheart.
01:13:32.284 --> 01:13:35.788
Well, then why do you
insist on calling me Kiwi
01:13:35.871 --> 01:13:38.040
even though I told you
it was culturally insensitive?
01:13:38.373 --> 01:13:42.336
And why did you feel the need
to reach over and try to undo my seat belt
01:13:42.419 --> 01:13:43.962
in the taxicab on the way here?
01:13:44.254 --> 01:13:45.881
- Jesus Christ.
- ALICE: Yeah.
01:13:46.131 --> 01:13:47.883
That's an American bit.
01:13:48.175 --> 01:13:51.011
We do it as a joke. Okay? We all do it. Right?
01:13:51.386 --> 01:13:52.429
(MUTTERING) Come on, say it.
01:13:52.513 --> 01:13:55.849
- Alice!
- Oh, my God, stop it, please.
01:13:56.016 --> 01:13:57.893
It's bad enough without you two going at it.
01:13:57.976 --> 01:14:00.312
And I thought your bridal shower
was a nightmare.
01:14:00.646 --> 01:14:02.523
What are you talking about?
She didn't have a bridal shower.
01:14:03.148 --> 01:14:04.483
No, she didn't.
01:14:08.779 --> 01:14:10.280
You had a bridal shower?
01:14:11.031 --> 01:14:13.742
(SIGHS) Well, not really. I mean...
01:14:14.660 --> 01:14:17.204
It was, like, work friends. It wasn't a big deal.
01:14:17.371 --> 01:14:18.413
But Blair went?
01:14:18.705 --> 01:14:20.249
It wasn't even open bar.
01:14:21.125 --> 01:14:22.167
What? It wasn't.
01:14:23.210 --> 01:14:24.711
How could you not invite me?
01:14:25.129 --> 01:14:27.172
Alice, please. Please, can we drop it?
01:14:27.798 --> 01:14:30.843
Please. I'm telling you, it was just...
It was for Peter's family.
01:14:30.926 --> 01:14:32.761
- It wasn't a big deal, man.
- Oh, Peter.
01:14:33.387 --> 01:14:35.055
He is so annoying.
01:14:35.514 --> 01:14:36.849
And I know why he doesn't like me.
01:14:38.016 --> 01:14:39.935
'Cause he's, like, so freaking jealous.
01:14:41.019 --> 01:14:42.271
Peter is not jealous of you.
01:14:42.354 --> 01:14:45.774
Well, then, why would you not invite
your best friend to your bridal shower?
01:14:45.858 --> 01:14:48.527
- Oh, my God, you really want to know why?
- Yes! I do!
01:14:48.610 --> 01:14:50.571
Because I knew that if I invited you,
01:14:50.654 --> 01:14:52.781
you wouldn't let me talk to anybody else.
That's why.
01:14:53.115 --> 01:14:55.242
Okay? You monopolize my time
01:14:55.450 --> 01:14:56.994
and then you make me feel guilty
01:14:57.119 --> 01:14:59.746
about not spending time with you.
How can I win?
01:14:59.830 --> 01:15:00.914
Are you kidding me?
01:15:01.248 --> 01:15:03.500
I do not monopolize your time, Jess!
01:15:03.667 --> 01:15:04.835
I just try to make the most of it,
01:15:04.918 --> 01:15:06.795
'cause you don't even make
an effort to see me anymore.
01:15:06.920 --> 01:15:09.006
- That's not true!
- It is true.
01:15:09.464 --> 01:15:10.632
It is.
01:15:11.216 --> 01:15:13.093
I'm sorry, but you are always at work,
01:15:13.510 --> 01:15:15.345
or you're making plans with Peter.
01:15:16.013 --> 01:15:18.390
Or you're (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
Skyping with other people.
01:15:18.473 --> 01:15:20.267
I can't do your stupid fucking accent.
01:15:20.684 --> 01:15:22.728
- No, you can't.
- JESS: Yes, yes.
01:15:22.811 --> 01:15:26.148
We're not in college anymore,
and things do change.
01:15:26.356 --> 01:15:28.525
The only thing that's changed is you.
01:15:28.775 --> 01:15:30.319
You've become obsessed
01:15:30.736 --> 01:15:34.448
with your perfect new life
and your campaign and you ditched me.
01:15:34.573 --> 01:15:38.243
Oh, I am sorry that I don't want to talk about
01:15:38.327 --> 01:15:40.287
the time that we got drunk
01:15:40.370 --> 01:15:42.748
at O'Flaherty's 1Ø years ago!
01:15:43.290 --> 01:15:44.291
Well, you know what?
01:15:44.583 --> 01:15:47.294
I guess I never should have planned
such a nice weekend for you.
01:15:47.377 --> 01:15:50.088
You know, you... God, you are so ungrateful.
01:15:50.714 --> 01:15:52.799
- Did you just say I was ungrateful?
- Yes!
01:15:52.883 --> 01:15:54.635
You're an ungrateful person.
01:15:55.010 --> 01:15:57.471
You didn't plan this weekend for me.
01:15:57.554 --> 01:16:00.015
You planned this weekend for yourself,
01:16:00.182 --> 01:16:02.517
so that you could post a bunch of photos
01:16:02.601 --> 01:16:05.479
and not make your life seem so sad!
01:16:05.812 --> 01:16:07.439
♪♪
01:16:11.276 --> 01:16:12.694
I'm sorry, Jess.
01:16:15.322 --> 01:16:16.323
Uh...
01:16:17.741 --> 01:16:19.076
I'll leave you...
01:16:19.243 --> 01:16:20.994
I'll leave you alone from now on.
01:16:22.204 --> 01:16:23.372
Alice.
01:16:25.540 --> 01:16:26.708
Alice.
01:16:27.334 --> 01:16:28.335
(EXHALES)
01:16:31.213 --> 01:16:32.881
Jess, that was really harsh.
01:16:33.173 --> 01:16:35.467
Oh, my God, I can't.
I can't with the guilt. Please.
01:16:36.510 --> 01:16:38.470
I can't with any of this anymore.
01:16:39.263 --> 01:16:40.514
Jess, come on, dude.
01:16:40.722 --> 01:16:45.519
No. All we have done all night
is make this situation worse, okay?
01:16:45.602 --> 01:16:48.480
We are turning ourselves in
and that's the end. (SNIFFLES)
01:16:48.605 --> 01:16:50.857
Now, I'm going upstairs
to wipe this shit off my face,
01:16:50.941 --> 01:16:53.026
so I can at least look cute for my mug shot.
01:16:55.404 --> 01:16:58.615
(CRYING) And self-waxing is not weird.
01:16:59.366 --> 01:17:02.744
I don't appreciate
your body-hair-removal shaming.
01:17:04.496 --> 01:17:06.331
Shame on you! And you!
01:17:08.542 --> 01:17:09.584
You've been fine.
01:17:17.384 --> 01:17:19.219
(QUIET BEEPING)
01:17:19.303 --> 01:17:21.054
Did you hear that? What is that?
01:17:21.138 --> 01:17:22.222
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
01:17:22.389 --> 01:17:24.224
- What is that?
- Where is it?
01:17:25.142 --> 01:17:26.184
Where's it coming from?
01:17:30.147 --> 01:17:32.607
- PIPPA: Not these pillows.
- Aw, fuck. No.
01:17:33.275 --> 01:17:35.068
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
01:17:35.360 --> 01:17:36.486
(GASPS) Fuck, it's his phone.
01:17:36.653 --> 01:17:38.447
- Someone is looking for this guy.
- PIPPA: Oh, my God.
01:17:38.530 --> 01:17:39.865
- Turn it off.
- I'm trying!
01:17:40.324 --> 01:17:41.950
- What's going on?
- BLAIR: Stop! Oh, my God.
01:17:42.367 --> 01:17:45.120
Someone is trying to track the stripper's
phone and it looks like they're...
01:17:45.203 --> 01:17:47.205
(DOORBELL RINGS)
01:17:48.081 --> 01:17:49.416
Here.
01:17:55.714 --> 01:17:57.632
- Hello?
- Miami PD.
01:17:58.216 --> 01:17:59.676
Have you seen this man?
01:18:00.802 --> 01:18:01.928
(WHISPERS) Oh, shit.
01:18:03.513 --> 01:18:04.848
RUIZ: We tracked his phone to this house.
01:18:04.931 --> 01:18:06.183
We know he's in there.
01:18:08.977 --> 01:18:10.103
It's over.
01:18:10.771 --> 01:18:12.064
The jig is up.
01:18:17.319 --> 01:18:18.612
Hey.
01:18:19.821 --> 01:18:21.156
He's dead.
01:18:22.199 --> 01:18:24.993
(INTRO TO MARILYN MANSON'S
THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE PLAYING)
01:18:25.619 --> 01:18:27.412
♪♪
01:18:29.164 --> 01:18:30.665
And I don't want ya
01:18:30.749 --> 01:18:32.209
- And I don't need ya
- (LOWERS VOLUME)
01:18:32.459 --> 01:18:34.294
(HEART BEATING)
01:18:36.755 --> 01:18:39.966
- (TURNS VOLUME UP HIGH)
- Hey, you, what do ya see?
01:18:40.217 --> 01:18:41.760
Something beautiful
01:18:41.843 --> 01:18:43.762
Or something free?
01:18:52.270 --> 01:18:53.355
RUIZ: You ladies are lucky.
01:18:54.439 --> 01:18:55.816
This man is very dangerous.
01:18:56.066 --> 01:18:58.276
This guy robbed a jewelry store
and killed a security guard.
01:18:58.652 --> 01:19:00.821
- Lot of people looking for him.
- ALICE: Oh, my God. What?
01:19:00.904 --> 01:19:02.364
Mmm-hmm. Yeah. He was on the run.
01:19:02.697 --> 01:19:03.949
Probably came here looking for cover.
01:19:04.074 --> 01:19:06.076
Sir, I'm... I'm sorry.
01:19:06.284 --> 01:19:09.329
Um, foreigner here.
Just sort of want to be clear on the local law.
01:19:09.413 --> 01:19:10.831
So, are we
01:19:11.331 --> 01:19:13.834
sort of, like, no longer in trouble?
01:19:14.000 --> 01:19:15.127
(SMACKS LIPS)
01:19:15.210 --> 01:19:16.837
Sounds like self-defense to me, right?
01:19:17.295 --> 01:19:18.380
FRAZIER: Oh, yeah,
no, DA's not gonna want to
01:19:18.463 --> 01:19:20.507
press any charges on something like this.
You're good.
01:19:21.299 --> 01:19:22.759
- Oh, my God.
- No, you're kidding.
01:19:22.843 --> 01:19:25.387
- (SQUEALING) Oh, my God!
- Are you shitting me?
01:19:25.470 --> 01:19:27.264
Oh, my God!
01:19:27.973 --> 01:19:29.891
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
01:19:29.975 --> 01:19:31.393
(HAPPY SHOUTING, CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
01:19:31.476 --> 01:19:36.064
We're heroes! We're heroes.
We're American heroes.
01:19:36.148 --> 01:19:38.024
- PIPPA: Thank you, universe.
- Jesus!
01:19:38.150 --> 01:19:41.111
(CHATTER, SHOUTING,
LAUGHING CONTINUE)
01:19:41.445 --> 01:19:44.197
- (PIPPA SINGING)
- We killed a guy! And it was right!
01:19:44.656 --> 01:19:46.700
We were right to kill him!
01:19:46.867 --> 01:19:49.035
- (PIPPA CONTINUES SINGING)
- Fuck, yeah!
01:19:51.037 --> 01:19:52.289
(SHOWER RUNNING)
01:19:52.372 --> 01:19:53.498
Jess.
01:19:53.748 --> 01:19:55.876
Hey, Jess. We're not going to jail.
01:19:56.209 --> 01:19:59.880
I still might be, for unrelated things,
but you're not, you're safe.
01:20:00.797 --> 01:20:02.048
Jess?
01:20:03.800 --> 01:20:06.720
You should've seen us at the beginning.
We were like Squabble City.
01:20:06.803 --> 01:20:07.888
We didn't like each other.
01:20:07.971 --> 01:20:10.682
Now I can't get her away from me.
And I don't want to.
01:20:10.765 --> 01:20:12.684
Did he happen to mention the diamonds?
01:20:12.976 --> 01:20:14.978
Um, no, I think I would have
remembered that.
01:20:15.061 --> 01:20:16.480
He didn't say much of anything.
01:20:17.439 --> 01:20:21.526
Ladies, it's... It's really important
that you try to remember any details.
01:20:21.693 --> 01:20:23.278
He was cis male.
01:20:24.070 --> 01:20:28.450
Looked like he could, like,
wash his car as a hobby activity.
01:20:28.700 --> 01:20:30.494
RUIZ: Okay.
ALICE: Oh, and he did have
01:20:30.577 --> 01:20:31.828
this, like, deep "V."
01:20:31.995 --> 01:20:36.166
Sort of like two large snakes
pointing down to a penis.
01:20:36.541 --> 01:20:38.043
This is a big house.
01:20:38.210 --> 01:20:39.920
Any place he might've been
able to stash something?
01:20:40.212 --> 01:20:44.466
Well, we did clean the entire house
and never came across his coat or phone,
01:20:44.549 --> 01:20:45.842
so it's definitely a possibility.
01:20:45.926 --> 01:20:47.093
Tampon!
01:20:47.302 --> 01:20:48.720
- What?
- PIPPA: Blair.
01:20:48.929 --> 01:20:51.556
- What?
- I need a tampon.
01:20:51.973 --> 01:20:53.808
I thought you use David cups. (CHUCKLES)
01:20:53.975 --> 01:20:55.477
- Yeah.
- No, never.
01:20:55.560 --> 01:20:59.314
Fuck off. Only tampons, the best of tampons!
01:20:59.523 --> 01:21:01.358
You took them from us.
01:21:01.691 --> 01:21:04.110
- What?
- And locked them in there,
01:21:04.236 --> 01:21:06.863
- and you have the key.
- What are you talking about?
01:21:06.947 --> 01:21:09.199
I didn't lock away our tampons.
I locked away our...
01:21:09.824 --> 01:21:11.743
Uh... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
01:21:12.244 --> 01:21:14.955
Are we on the same page, Blair?
01:21:15.497 --> 01:21:16.915
- Yes.
- (WHISTLES) Yo, yo.
01:21:17.040 --> 01:21:18.959
Lady, you want to get your
friend a tampon or whatever?
01:21:19.834 --> 01:21:23.338
Okay. One tampon coming up.
01:21:23.421 --> 01:21:24.506
Okay...
01:21:24.589 --> 01:21:26.132
Just be right back with that. (CHUCKLES)
01:21:26.383 --> 01:21:28.176
Well, I'm not on my period.
01:21:28.718 --> 01:21:30.220
It's good to know. Thanks.
01:21:34.057 --> 01:21:35.559
Key.
01:21:36.351 --> 01:21:39.020
- Shit. Shit.
- (SOFT GROANING)
01:21:40.438 --> 01:21:41.648
Shh...
01:21:43.316 --> 01:21:44.693
(SCREAMING)
01:21:45.026 --> 01:21:46.194
Quiet, be quiet, be quiet.
01:21:46.278 --> 01:21:47.737
- I just need to get my phone, okay?
- (SCREAMS)
01:21:47.821 --> 01:21:48.989
- What the fuck is that?
- What's that?
01:21:49.072 --> 01:21:50.198
Nothing. It's... I don't know.
01:21:50.490 --> 01:21:53.285
- What the fuck was that?
- This guy, it's another thing.
01:21:53.660 --> 01:21:55.078
- There's more people here?
- FRANKIE: The real stripper.
01:21:55.161 --> 01:21:56.913
- Yeah. That's the real stripper in there.
- The actual guy...
01:21:58.039 --> 01:22:00.125
- I just need to get to my phone.
- Get back! Get back!
01:22:00.542 --> 01:22:03.503
- I will not be your drug mule!
- What? Shh! Stop. Stop. Stop.
01:22:03.753 --> 01:22:05.338
- You better get back. Yeah.
- Stop. Shh!
01:22:06.339 --> 01:22:09.217
Breaking news and
some updated information for everybody.
01:22:09.301 --> 01:22:11.553
These assailants are armed
and they're dangerous.
01:22:11.636 --> 01:22:12.637
PIPPA: No, it's nothing, that's...
01:22:12.721 --> 01:22:13.763
So if you're inside your home,
01:22:13.847 --> 01:22:15.765
make sure your windows
and your doors are locked.
01:22:16.266 --> 01:22:18.935
- Hey, Blondie! Come here!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:22:19.060 --> 01:22:20.687
- Shh.
- (GASPING)
01:22:21.521 --> 01:22:23.565
- Oh, the tampon.
- Yeah, I know.
01:22:23.648 --> 01:22:25.358
That's what I was... I was using the code.
01:22:25.650 --> 01:22:27.611
- I just want to get my real estate license!
- Shut up.
01:22:27.986 --> 01:22:29.237
- Freeze!
- (SCREAMS)
01:22:29.571 --> 01:22:31.489
Shut the fuck up! Don't move!
01:22:31.948 --> 01:22:34.868
What the hell's going on here? Come on.
Let's go, move it. Let's go, tough guy.
01:22:36.786 --> 01:22:39.831
Everyone in America really does have a gun!
01:22:40.498 --> 01:22:42.542
FRAZIER: Let's go! Come on.
You, too. Move it.
01:22:43.835 --> 01:22:45.629
- Oh, my God.
- RUIZ: Playtime's over.
01:22:45.712 --> 01:22:47.672
- We want those fucking diamonds now.
- FRANKIE: Look.
01:22:48.381 --> 01:22:49.591
I know you're mad at the 1%.
01:22:49.716 --> 01:22:52.135
- I am, too.
- What? Shut up!
01:22:52.218 --> 01:22:54.054
- Tie them up now.
- Let's go!
01:22:54.137 --> 01:22:55.597
(GROANING)
01:23:01.936 --> 01:23:03.063
(SIGHS)
01:23:06.358 --> 01:23:07.359
(SIGHS)
01:23:09.569 --> 01:23:11.905
♪♪
01:23:15.325 --> 01:23:16.701
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
01:23:16.868 --> 01:23:17.952
ALICE: Jess,
01:23:18.036 --> 01:23:21.164
when I was growing up,
I didn't really have many friends.
01:23:21.456 --> 01:23:24.292
And when I left for college,
my mom was worried about me.
01:23:24.459 --> 01:23:25.877
And so was I.
01:23:25.960 --> 01:23:28.380
But then we met,
and the first night we went out,
01:23:28.463 --> 01:23:30.340
you didn't introduce me
to people as your roommate,
01:23:30.423 --> 01:23:32.217
you introduced me as your friend.
01:23:32.300 --> 01:23:34.427
And I knew everything was gonna be okay.
01:23:34.803 --> 01:23:36.221
When I went home that summer
01:23:36.346 --> 01:23:38.473
and I showed my mom
the photos of us hanging out,
01:23:38.807 --> 01:23:40.433
she was so happy.
01:23:40.975 --> 01:23:44.562
She doesn't always recognize me anymore,
but when I show her those old photos,
01:23:44.646 --> 01:23:47.899
she says to me,
"That's my daughter with all her friends."
01:23:48.566 --> 01:23:50.193
That's how she remembers me.
01:23:50.694 --> 01:23:51.986
Thanks to you.
01:23:52.070 --> 01:23:54.781
I can't wait to show her
all the photos from this weekend.
01:23:55.281 --> 01:23:58.618
You were there for me,
and I will always be here for you.
01:23:59.035 --> 01:24:00.453
Love, Alice.
01:24:00.662 --> 01:24:04.666
P. S. There are some wet wipes in here,
because I ordered an ice cream cake
01:24:04.749 --> 01:24:07.043
and I know you have issues with dairy.
01:24:07.127 --> 01:24:08.670
Smiliest face.
01:24:09.671 --> 01:24:11.673
(RUIZ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
01:24:15.009 --> 01:24:18.179
RUIZ: Come here. Let's go. Come here.
SCOTTY: They found me on Craigslist.
01:24:18.263 --> 01:24:20.181
I'm not even with them!
01:24:20.640 --> 01:24:21.975
FRAZIER: God damn it.
01:24:23.268 --> 01:24:24.394
(QUIETLY) Oh, shit.
01:24:25.186 --> 01:24:26.479
FRAZIER: Jay double-crossed us,
01:24:26.938 --> 01:24:28.606
and he took off with our score.
01:24:29.315 --> 01:24:30.442
So, tell me,
01:24:30.817 --> 01:24:33.111
- where'd he put it?
- I told you, we don't know.
01:24:33.361 --> 01:24:37.282
Sir, I could wire you $50,00Ø right now
if you just let us go, okay?
01:24:37.365 --> 01:24:39.743
Whoa, whoa, whoa. 5Ø, Ø00 what?
01:24:40.160 --> 01:24:42.245
There's over $2 million
worth of diamonds in this house,
01:24:42.328 --> 01:24:43.747
and I am going to find them.
01:24:44.998 --> 01:24:46.916
- You shoot anyone who moves.
- (BLAIR CRYING)
01:24:47.208 --> 01:24:48.668
- Oh, my God.
- SCOTTY: Please.
01:24:48.752 --> 01:24:50.128
(SCOTTY CRYING)
01:24:50.754 --> 01:24:52.172
(WOMEN SOBBING)
01:25:03.308 --> 01:25:05.351
(PANTING)
01:25:13.693 --> 01:25:14.986
(BOTTLE CLATTERS TO FLOOR AND ROLLS)
01:25:25.413 --> 01:25:26.623
Fuck!
01:25:26.748 --> 01:25:28.416
Damn it! Fuck!
01:25:30.627 --> 01:25:32.670
Don't make a fucking sound or I will kill you.
01:25:41.971 --> 01:25:43.014
What?
01:25:43.348 --> 01:25:45.016
Handcuff yourself to the sink.
01:25:45.350 --> 01:25:47.143
- Fuck you.
- Now.
01:25:48.728 --> 01:25:50.104
(PANTING) Okay. Okay.
01:25:55.819 --> 01:25:57.237
(HANDCUFFS CLICKING)
01:26:01.991 --> 01:26:03.493
♪♪
01:26:04.786 --> 01:26:06.079
What the fuck?
01:26:17.215 --> 01:26:19.384
No... (MUFFLED SHOUTING)
01:26:25.974 --> 01:26:28.393
RUIZ: You don't know anything, huh?
Well, that smells like bullshit.
01:26:28.726 --> 01:26:30.228
Hurry up, man!
01:26:30.937 --> 01:26:32.438
Do I look stupid to you?
01:26:32.897 --> 01:26:36.359
You expect me to believe
that you killed Jay by accident?
01:26:37.235 --> 01:26:39.028
That's a bad accident. (CHUCKLES)
01:26:39.612 --> 01:26:41.406
It's a big fucking accident.
01:26:41.489 --> 01:26:43.324
(GASPING BREATHS)
01:26:45.368 --> 01:26:47.287
RUIZ: I am about to lose my fucking shit.
01:26:47.370 --> 01:26:48.705
Jay's dead, and you expect me
to believe
01:26:48.788 --> 01:26:50.540
that you guys don't know anything? Hmm?
01:26:50.665 --> 01:26:53.084
New plan.
You're gonna watch each other die,
01:26:53.167 --> 01:26:54.836
until one of you opens your fucking mouth!
01:26:55.461 --> 01:26:57.505
- And I'm gonna start with you.
- No!
01:26:57.839 --> 01:26:59.716
- ALICE: Oh, God.
- I love you, Frankie.
01:27:00.300 --> 01:27:01.718
FRANKIE: I love you, too.
01:27:05.221 --> 01:27:06.306
(OTHERS GASPING)
01:27:07.056 --> 01:27:08.808
ALL: Jess! Jess!
01:27:08.975 --> 01:27:10.977
Yes!
01:27:11.102 --> 01:27:12.729
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
01:27:15.648 --> 01:27:16.900
- Not her beautiful face!
- Come on, Jess!
01:27:17.317 --> 01:27:18.568
(JESS GRUNTS)
01:27:20.236 --> 01:27:21.404
(PANTING)
01:27:21.487 --> 01:27:22.530
Whoa.
01:27:22.614 --> 01:27:23.948
- You perv!
- Come on.
01:27:24.949 --> 01:27:25.909
No, hey, hey, hey!
01:27:25.992 --> 01:27:27.035
- (FIERCE GRUNTING)
- Ow! Ow!
01:27:27.285 --> 01:27:28.703
You guys! The gun!
01:27:30.079 --> 01:27:32.290
Shimmy. Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.
01:27:36.210 --> 01:27:37.921
Okay. Okay.
01:27:38.004 --> 01:27:39.672
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
01:27:41.507 --> 01:27:42.592
- Right there.
- PIPPA: Okay. Yeah.
01:27:42.675 --> 01:27:43.843
- One.
- FRANKIE: Two.
01:27:44.010 --> 01:27:45.219
- Three!
- PIPPA: Okay.
01:27:45.303 --> 01:27:46.846
Oh, God. Squat.
01:27:47.430 --> 01:27:49.223
ALICE: Oh, God. Oh, God.
BLAIR: Do you have it?
01:27:49.307 --> 01:27:51.351
ALICE: Yes.
01:27:54.854 --> 01:27:56.105
(GROANS)
01:27:56.606 --> 01:27:57.815
Point me in his direction.
01:28:02.862 --> 01:28:05.198
I don't have a shot! Your leg is in the way!
01:28:05.698 --> 01:28:07.492
- No, no. Please.
- Up!
01:28:07.575 --> 01:28:08.910
JESS: No, please.
01:28:10.036 --> 01:28:12.080
- (GROANS)
- (GASPS)
01:28:12.163 --> 01:28:13.373
I shot a guy!
01:28:13.748 --> 01:28:16.084
- SCOTTY: Yes!
- I killed another person.
01:28:16.751 --> 01:28:18.628
You fucking...
01:28:19.462 --> 01:28:20.505
- (CHEERING)
- ALL: Yes!
01:28:23.341 --> 01:28:25.301
Oh, my God, you guys!
01:28:26.386 --> 01:28:27.428
That was awesome.
01:28:27.512 --> 01:28:29.263
- Alice, I'm so sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
01:28:29.347 --> 01:28:31.975
No. I said things that I didn't mean.
01:28:32.517 --> 01:28:34.602
I think it was just
the stress of killing somebody
01:28:34.686 --> 01:28:36.521
and then trying to dispose of his body.
01:28:36.980 --> 01:28:38.147
- Wait, what?
- ALICE: Totally.
01:28:38.231 --> 01:28:39.732
- That's a hard thing.
- Yeah, you're right.
01:28:40.024 --> 01:28:41.067
I have changed.
01:28:41.234 --> 01:28:43.194
I thought that I was
making people's lives better,
01:28:43.277 --> 01:28:46.239
but I forgot about the people that
make my life better, and that's you guys.
01:28:46.531 --> 01:28:48.616
- And I love you, and I'm sorry.
- FRANKIE: We love you, too.
01:28:48.700 --> 01:28:49.742
- We love you, too.
- We love you.
01:28:49.826 --> 01:28:51.995
- We love you, Jess!
- ALICE: I'm sorry, too.
01:28:52.245 --> 01:28:54.205
And you know what? I know that I'm a lot.
01:28:54.288 --> 01:28:57.041
And you were right,
I need to stop living in the past
01:28:57.166 --> 01:28:59.419
- and get a hobby, you know?
- Well, it could help, right?
01:28:59.502 --> 01:29:01.671
Next time we see each other,
we can make new memories
01:29:01.754 --> 01:29:03.923
instead of just talking about the old ones.
01:29:04.007 --> 01:29:05.925
Um, these zip ties are really starting to hurt.
01:29:06.009 --> 01:29:07.593
And I'm sorry about Peter, okay?
01:29:07.677 --> 01:29:10.304
He does not suck.
You should totally marry him.
01:29:10.388 --> 01:29:12.348
- Well, I will.
- Good. You should.
01:29:12.557 --> 01:29:15.184
I mean, I had a sex dream about him,
and I didn't even tell you.
01:29:15.268 --> 01:29:16.477
No, you actually did tell me.
01:29:16.561 --> 01:29:18.521
- You told everybody.
- You started a group text.
01:29:18.813 --> 01:29:20.231
It started with him brushing my hair...
01:29:20.314 --> 01:29:21.607
You know what?
I'm gonna untie you guys now.
01:29:21.816 --> 01:29:22.859
- Awesome.
- Yeah. Okay, great.
01:29:22.984 --> 01:29:24.569
- Here, give me the gun.
- It was morning...
01:29:24.652 --> 01:29:26.112
- FRAZIER: Drop the gun!
- (ALL GASP)
01:29:26.571 --> 01:29:28.239
- Drop it.
- Damn it.
01:29:30.575 --> 01:29:33.953
The keys were taped to the handcuffs,
you fucking idiot.
01:29:35.455 --> 01:29:36.873
You're all dead. All of you.
01:29:36.956 --> 01:29:38.750
- No. No, Jess.
- FRAZIER: Yeah.
01:29:39.125 --> 01:29:41.794
- Oh, really? Come on. Whatever.
- (HAMMER COCKS)
01:29:42.045 --> 01:29:44.213
(ALL SCREAMING)
01:29:44.881 --> 01:29:46.632
- What? What? What?
- (GASPING)
01:29:47.508 --> 01:29:48.634
What?
01:29:52.680 --> 01:29:54.849
- Oh, my God!
- Is that Peter?
01:29:55.433 --> 01:29:56.934
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
01:29:59.187 --> 01:30:00.688
FRANKIE: Oh, my God. Is he...
01:30:00.813 --> 01:30:01.898
(ALL GASP)
01:30:01.981 --> 01:30:03.691
- Peter!
- You guys, what's happening back there?
01:30:03.775 --> 01:30:04.776
I can't see.
01:30:06.319 --> 01:30:08.362
- Peter? Peter.
- Hmm?
01:30:08.446 --> 01:30:09.614
Peter.
01:30:09.781 --> 01:30:11.616
- Jess.
- Are you okay?
01:30:12.575 --> 01:30:14.368
(WHINING) Do you not like my dick?
01:30:15.161 --> 01:30:16.204
What?
01:30:16.329 --> 01:30:18.164
Does it bend weird
when it gets hard, or, like...
01:30:18.456 --> 01:30:20.917
- I don't know, is it...
- What? No, I love it.
01:30:21.375 --> 01:30:22.752
So, you still want to get married?
01:30:23.252 --> 01:30:27.423
(LAUGHING) Yes. More than ever
I want to get married. I love you.
01:30:28.758 --> 01:30:29.884
I want that.
01:30:31.094 --> 01:30:32.345
Peter...
01:30:32.845 --> 01:30:35.598
Let's just get married.
Let's get married this weekend.
01:30:35.681 --> 01:30:37.266
Well, what about the campaign?
Didn't you want to wait
01:30:37.350 --> 01:30:38.559
till after the election, and...
01:30:38.643 --> 01:30:41.395
I don't want to wait.
Everyone I love is right here.
01:30:41.771 --> 01:30:43.064
- That's all that matters.
- Oh.
01:30:43.189 --> 01:30:44.273
What about your parents?
01:30:44.357 --> 01:30:46.317
Oh, my parents aren't gonna care.
They eloped.
01:30:46.859 --> 01:30:49.195
I mean, my mom did say
to lock that down as soon as possible.
01:30:49.904 --> 01:30:51.656
- She did?
- She loves you.
01:30:52.406 --> 01:30:54.325
- I love you. Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
01:30:54.826 --> 01:30:56.536
FRANKIE: Yes!
01:30:56.619 --> 01:30:58.246
Oh, I have the perfect place.
01:30:58.454 --> 01:31:00.081
♪♪
01:31:01.624 --> 01:31:05.461
Do you, Jessica,
take Peter to be your husband?
01:31:06.129 --> 01:31:07.255
I do.
01:31:07.839 --> 01:31:11.801
And do you, Peter,
take Jessica to be your wife?
01:31:12.260 --> 01:31:13.636
I definitely do.
01:31:14.303 --> 01:31:15.930
- (LONG EXHALE)
- (SOBBING CONTINUES)
01:31:16.889 --> 01:31:18.850
Now, by the power vested in me
01:31:19.725 --> 01:31:22.728
by GetOrdainedNow.net,
01:31:23.104 --> 01:31:25.106
I pronounce you husband and wife.
01:31:25.189 --> 01:31:26.858
You may kiss the groom.
01:31:26.941 --> 01:31:28.317
(ALL CHEERING)
01:31:28.609 --> 01:31:30.736
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING
WITH DANCE BEAT)
01:31:32.488 --> 01:31:35.158
So glad I didn't sell our passes
to the foam party.
01:31:35.241 --> 01:31:36.242
- Yeah!
- Right?
01:31:39.328 --> 01:31:41.289
♪♪
01:31:48.087 --> 01:31:50.006
So, you guys are just not in trouble?
01:31:50.464 --> 01:31:52.550
No, we're, like, completely free.
01:31:53.134 --> 01:31:56.554
We've committed what in Florida
is known as a "good murder."
01:31:56.846 --> 01:31:58.764
That's a direct quote from the Miami PD.
01:31:58.848 --> 01:32:04.020
So, not only do we not have to go to jail,
but we got a sick coupon
01:32:04.353 --> 01:32:06.063
to Romano's Macaroni Grill.
01:32:06.522 --> 01:32:09.025
- Do you want to dance, Pippa?
- Yeah, okay.
01:32:09.233 --> 01:32:11.152
But call me Kiwi, okay?
01:32:11.277 --> 01:32:12.778
All my best friends do.
01:32:16.490 --> 01:32:17.992
- Hey.
- ALICE: Hi.
01:32:18.075 --> 01:32:20.870
- Can I get you a drink?
- Oh. Um...
01:32:21.746 --> 01:32:22.788
No.
01:32:23.164 --> 01:32:25.458
'Cause I'm on a date with someone else, so...
01:32:26.542 --> 01:32:28.211
- Hey.
- TOBEY: Hot.
01:32:28.461 --> 01:32:30.129
You're a hot guy. Cool.
01:32:34.091 --> 01:32:35.176
- Here you go.
- Oh.
01:32:36.636 --> 01:32:38.012
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
01:32:39.013 --> 01:32:41.766
Has anyone ever told you
how beautiful your feet are?
01:32:43.893 --> 01:32:45.645
No one's ever said that to me before.
01:32:46.270 --> 01:32:48.439
You should've been told that a million times.
01:32:49.857 --> 01:32:51.484
BOTH: Do you want to...
01:32:51.567 --> 01:32:52.735
- Fuck?
- Fuck?
01:32:53.361 --> 01:32:55.196
Hey.
01:32:55.905 --> 01:32:57.073
Keep it moving. We're a thing.
01:32:58.532 --> 01:32:59.867
Love wins.
01:33:00.826 --> 01:33:01.994
What'd you just say?
01:33:02.787 --> 01:33:05.414
I don't know.
I mean, who knows if it will work out?
01:33:05.498 --> 01:33:08.084
And I don't know how you're gonna get to
New York. I guess hitchhike, but...
01:33:08.376 --> 01:33:10.711
I already have my bags packed, actually, so...
01:33:10.836 --> 01:33:13.798
- (LAUGHS)
- Well, just 'cause I'm between places...
01:33:14.507 --> 01:33:15.967
Shut up.
01:33:18.844 --> 01:33:20.471
Yeah, yeah.
01:33:21.013 --> 01:33:22.515
Okay. Yeah.
01:33:22.598 --> 01:33:24.016
Babe. It's for you.
01:33:25.184 --> 01:33:27.061
- Hello?
- Jess, it's me.
01:33:27.144 --> 01:33:30.231
That story about you and your friends
taking out those criminals is everywhere!
01:33:30.314 --> 01:33:32.483
Okay?
We're getting donations and volunteers.
01:33:32.566 --> 01:33:35.528
- What?
- Jess, you're gonna win this thing.
01:33:35.611 --> 01:33:37.446
Are you serious? That's amazing.
01:33:37.655 --> 01:33:39.448
Yeah, we're getting a ton of media requests.
01:33:39.532 --> 01:33:41.534
Okay, Good Morning America, Ellen.
01:33:41.826 --> 01:33:45.162
Okay, you have to get back here right now.
I'm gonna get you out on the next flight.
01:33:45.246 --> 01:33:46.706
Do you prefer window or aisle?
01:33:46.789 --> 01:33:48.708
I'm more of a middle seat guy myself, but...
01:33:48.791 --> 01:33:50.835
You know what? I'm actually getting married.
01:33:50.918 --> 01:33:53.421
But, um, I'll be there
first thing Monday morning.
01:33:53.504 --> 01:33:55.881
RAVIV: You're getting married?
Jess, I'm in love with you.
01:33:57.049 --> 01:33:58.384
- Take a picture of us?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:33:58.467 --> 01:33:59.593
Cool!
01:33:59.677 --> 01:34:00.678
(BLAIR CLEARS THROAT)
01:34:00.761 --> 01:34:02.555
- I love you guys.
- We love you.
01:34:03.222 --> 01:34:04.265
- Three.
- (CLICK)
01:34:04.348 --> 01:34:06.225
♪♪
01:34:06.309 --> 01:34:07.643
ALICE: Can I see?
01:34:08.144 --> 01:34:09.478
JESS: Um...
01:34:09.562 --> 01:34:11.230
- No.
- ALICE: My arm looks too thick.
01:34:11.314 --> 01:34:13.232
(ALL COMPLAINING)
01:34:13.316 --> 01:34:14.567
- PETER: Another one?
- One more.
01:34:14.650 --> 01:34:15.860
Okay, okay, okay.
01:34:16.736 --> 01:34:17.903
(CLICK)
01:34:20.489 --> 01:34:21.782
JESS: Ooh. I love it.
ALICE: That, I love.
01:34:21.949 --> 01:34:24.493
JESS: Alice, you can tag me.
ALICE: Finally.
01:34:28.205 --> 01:34:30.082
WOMAN: (SINGING)
We are what
01:34:30.166 --> 01:34:32.293
These days we only follow
01:34:32.376 --> 01:34:34.837
These days we're feeling hollow
01:34:34.920 --> 01:34:37.715
Get paid, the only motto
01:34:38.341 --> 01:34:40.134
We are what
01:34:40.217 --> 01:34:42.636
They say it all gets better
01:34:42.720 --> 01:34:45.181
They say it won't last forever
01:34:45.264 --> 01:34:47.892
Then someone pulls the trigger
01:34:48.893 --> 01:34:51.145
We are what
01:34:52.229 --> 01:34:54.982
The fame, the fame
01:34:55.066 --> 01:34:57.193
I want to hear my name
01:34:57.276 --> 01:34:59.278
But I don't care
01:34:59.779 --> 01:35:02.198
What for
01:35:02.782 --> 01:35:05.326
I'll change the world
01:35:05.409 --> 01:35:07.870
Save all those trees and birds
01:35:07.953 --> 01:35:10.122
But first I'll grab a Starbucks
01:35:10.206 --> 01:35:11.999
Then I'll get to work
01:35:12.750 --> 01:35:13.834
All on
01:35:13.918 --> 01:35:15.544
Thank God it's the weekend
01:35:15.628 --> 01:35:16.670
My squad
01:35:16.754 --> 01:35:17.797
Got time, we can waste it
01:35:17.880 --> 01:35:18.923
Don't know
01:35:19.006 --> 01:35:22.468
Should we drive to the sunset or the fire?
01:35:22.551 --> 01:35:23.594
It's like
01:35:23.677 --> 01:35:24.970
We live in the bubble
01:35:25.054 --> 01:35:27.390
Pretending it's 'cause we are young
01:35:27.473 --> 01:35:29.392
We are what
01:35:29.475 --> 01:35:31.644
These days we only follow
01:35:31.727 --> 01:35:34.230
These days we're feeling hollow
01:35:34.313 --> 01:35:36.649
Get paid, the only motto
01:35:37.566 --> 01:35:39.485
We are what
01:35:39.568 --> 01:35:41.862
They say it all gets better
01:35:41.946 --> 01:35:44.532
They say it won't last forever
01:35:44.615 --> 01:35:46.992
Then someone pulls the trigger
01:35:48.285 --> 01:35:51.997
We've got hearts in the right places
01:35:52.081 --> 01:35:55.918
But we're still a danger to ourselves
01:35:56.001 --> 01:35:58.337
Maybe it's 'cause we are young
01:35:58.421 --> 01:36:00.464
We are what
01:36:04.301 --> 01:36:08.264
Congratulations to
State Senator Jess Thayer!
01:36:08.347 --> 01:36:09.432
(WHOOPING)
01:36:09.515 --> 01:36:10.558
Thank you.
01:36:10.683 --> 01:36:13.018
My number one boss bitch! Whoo!
01:36:13.185 --> 01:36:15.354
(APPLAUSE STOPS)
01:36:15.729 --> 01:36:19.150
And now to celebrate her win,
we have a special request.
01:36:19.483 --> 01:36:20.526
Me?
01:36:21.402 --> 01:36:23.487
(APPLAUSE)
01:36:23.696 --> 01:36:25.114
PIPPA: Thank you so much.
01:36:25.489 --> 01:36:28.367
I actually have a surprise for all of you. Um...
01:36:28.909 --> 01:36:30.619
I've written a song
01:36:30.786 --> 01:36:34.290
that I hope can sort of encapsulate,
01:36:34.582 --> 01:36:37.585
um, the bond of friendship that we all have.
01:36:38.002 --> 01:36:40.296
And so, I want to play it for you now.
01:36:41.922 --> 01:36:45.134
(SINGING) Sometimes
01:36:46.093 --> 01:36:48.095
You kill a man
01:36:49.180 --> 01:36:53.184
When he's taking off his clothes for you
01:36:54.935 --> 01:36:57.354
You kill a man
01:36:58.481 --> 01:37:01.358
You kill him with your friends
01:37:01.525 --> 01:37:03.110
And he dies
01:37:04.528 --> 01:37:06.906
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
01:37:07.448 --> 01:37:08.574
(WHISPERS) Jesus, it's good.
01:37:08.657 --> 01:37:10.868
(SINGING) Other times
01:37:12.244 --> 01:37:14.830
When you kill a man
01:37:15.164 --> 01:37:20.503
You need to toss his body in the ocean
01:37:21.003 --> 01:37:23.255
And you don't care
01:37:24.507 --> 01:37:28.969
'Cause your friends are there by your side
01:37:30.554 --> 01:37:32.139
They make it fun
01:37:33.641 --> 01:37:36.644
I love you, girls
01:37:36.977 --> 01:37:38.062
I love you, Pippa!
01:37:38.145 --> 01:37:40.147
We killed a man
01:37:40.314 --> 01:37:42.942
We made a plan
01:37:43.025 --> 01:37:45.819
You are my friends
01:37:46.529 --> 01:37:49.073
And I'll never forget
01:37:49.698 --> 01:37:52.284
This bachelorette
01:37:53.118 --> 01:37:56.247
This bachelorette
01:37:57.122 --> 01:37:58.874
(SONG ENDS)
01:37:59.792 --> 01:38:00.960
That's the end.
01:38:01.585 --> 01:38:03.295
♪♪
01:38:20.980 --> 01:38:22.731
♪♪
01:38:53.929 --> 01:38:56.015
♪♪
01:39:14.825 --> 01:39:16.952
ALICE: Do you guys want to come up?
JESS: Um...
01:39:17.119 --> 01:39:18.954
No, no, no. Don't come up. Don't come up.
01:39:19.038 --> 01:39:21.707
- 'Cause I got to do stuff.
- PETER: (CHUCKLES) What?
01:39:21.874 --> 01:39:24.627
So, I will see you at Nussbaum's at 1Ø:ØØ.
01:39:24.752 --> 01:39:26.253
No, no. 12:3Ø.
01:39:26.587 --> 01:39:28.297
- JESS: Okay.
- I don't want to get up.
01:39:29.131 --> 01:39:30.633
Okay, you guys, go. Go, go, go.
01:39:30.883 --> 01:39:32.801
We want to make sure that you get in okay.
01:39:32.885 --> 01:39:35.346
- You're obsessed with me. (LAUGHS)
- JESS: We love you.
01:39:35.471 --> 01:39:36.847
I love you.
01:39:46.565 --> 01:39:47.816
Bullshit.
01:39:53.322 --> 01:39:54.490
(LAUGHING) Yes!
01:39:55.574 --> 01:39:57.242
Whoo! Ah...
01:40:00.746 --> 01:40:02.206
♪♪
01:40:11.423 --> 01:40:13.092
♪♪
01:40:22.351 --> 01:41:24.603
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