WEBVTT 00:00:14.092 --> 00:01:10.593 ..:: ارائه شده توسط وب سايت بلبل جان ::.. ‏.:: www.bolboljan.net ::. 00:01:14.092 --> 00:01:15.593 So, this is for, uh, 00:01:15.677 --> 00:01:16.844 "New York Times Magazine"? 00:01:16.928 --> 00:01:19.055 - No. I'm sorry, that... 00:01:19.138 --> 00:01:20.640 there... 00:01:20.723 --> 00:01:22.975 mm... no, I freelance. 00:01:23.059 --> 00:01:24.477 I write for different magazines, 00:01:24.560 --> 00:01:26.104 but this is a personal matter. 00:01:26.187 --> 00:01:27.438 - A personal matter? 00:01:27.522 --> 00:01:29.273 - Yes, I'm sorry. Is that okay? 00:01:29.357 --> 00:01:30.858 - No, it's absolutely okay. 00:01:30.942 --> 00:01:32.860 May I ask what-what this is regarding and...? 00:01:32.944 --> 00:01:35.613 - Uh, it's about my son. 00:01:36.656 --> 00:01:38.825 - Okay. How can I help? 00:01:39.909 --> 00:01:42.203 He... 00:01:44.330 --> 00:01:48.459 There are moments that I look at him, 00:01:48.543 --> 00:01:51.129 this kid that I raised, 00:01:51.212 --> 00:01:54.298 who I thought I knew inside and out, 00:01:54.382 --> 00:01:57.051 and I wonder who he is. 00:01:59.345 --> 00:02:01.973 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 00:02:02.056 --> 00:02:04.058 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 00:02:04.142 --> 00:02:08.938 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of 'em. 00:02:09.021 --> 00:02:11.983 And I guess I'm here 00:02:12.066 --> 00:02:16.154 because I just want to know... 00:02:16.237 --> 00:02:18.990 all that I can about... 00:02:19.073 --> 00:02:20.825 all of it. 00:02:20.908 --> 00:02:22.702 Know your enemies, right? 00:02:22.785 --> 00:02:24.954 So... 00:02:27.248 --> 00:02:29.625 My two big questions are, 00:02:29.709 --> 00:02:32.253 wh-what is it doing to him, 00:02:32.336 --> 00:02:35.631 and what can I do to help him? 00:03:33.481 --> 00:03:35.401 Marin General Hospital. How may I help you? 00:03:35.483 --> 00:03:38.736 Hi. My son has gone missing, 00:03:38.820 --> 00:03:41.489 and I wanted to check to see if he had... 00:03:41.572 --> 00:03:43.115 uh, maybe had been brought in 00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:46.452 or-or if-if there'd been an accident. 00:03:46.536 --> 00:03:49.247 - Can I have name and description, sir? 00:03:49.330 --> 00:03:50.790 Nicolas Sheff. 00:03:50.873 --> 00:03:53.209 S-H-E-F-F. 00:03:53.292 --> 00:03:54.752 He is... 00:03:54.836 --> 00:03:56.504 18 years old. 00:03:56.587 --> 00:03:59.715 He is just over six feet tall. 00:03:59.799 --> 00:04:01.467 About 130 pounds. 00:04:01.551 --> 00:04:04.679 Maybe less. I-I don't know. Um... 00:04:04.762 --> 00:04:07.181 He has shoulder-length brown hair 00:04:07.265 --> 00:04:09.350 and green eyes. 00:04:09.433 --> 00:04:11.102 Thank you. Please hold. 00:04:11.185 --> 00:04:13.187 Okay. 00:04:13.271 --> 00:04:15.439 - Mr. Sheff? - Yes. 00:04:15.523 --> 00:04:17.608 Uh, there's no one by that name, sir. 00:04:17.692 --> 00:04:20.278 Okay. Thank you. 00:05:01.777 --> 00:05:03.696 He's been gone for two days. 00:05:03.779 --> 00:05:05.323 What do you mean he's gone? 00:05:05.406 --> 00:05:07.283 - What's going on? - I don't know. 00:05:07.366 --> 00:05:08.659 - I don't know. - Two days? 00:05:08.743 --> 00:05:10.161 Why didn't you tell me sooner? 00:05:10.244 --> 00:05:12.079 Uh, I didn't want to worry you, I guess. 00:05:12.163 --> 00:05:14.582 - I just... - I'm his mother, David. 00:05:14.665 --> 00:05:16.500 Didn't you see this coming? 00:05:16.584 --> 00:05:17.668 Uh, no. 00:05:17.752 --> 00:05:18.920 What? 00:05:19.003 --> 00:05:20.755 No, no, I didn't see it coming. 00:05:20.838 --> 00:05:22.840 If I'd seen it coming, I would've done something. 00:05:22.924 --> 00:05:25.176 It was just a question, David. Jesus. 00:05:25.259 --> 00:05:27.428 I haven't been talking with him a lot lately. 00:05:27.511 --> 00:05:29.656 Well, maybe that's why you shouldn't be giving me advice 00:05:29.680 --> 00:05:30.973 in parenting, right? 00:05:31.057 --> 00:05:33.017 Fuck, Vicki. 00:05:33.100 --> 00:05:35.478 Can we just not blame each other right now? That's... 00:05:35.561 --> 00:05:37.438 Who's blaming who here? 00:05:37.521 --> 00:05:39.649 If I hardly ever see him, it's because he's supposed 00:05:39.732 --> 00:05:41.317 to come to L.A. for the holidays 00:05:41.400 --> 00:05:43.402 but always finds a reason not to come. 00:05:43.486 --> 00:05:46.530 Well, that's not my fault, is it? 00:06:22.525 --> 00:06:24.068 Nic. 00:06:25.403 --> 00:06:27.488 Here's your little brother. 00:06:28.781 --> 00:06:29.782 Tight. 00:06:29.865 --> 00:06:31.200 Just support his head. 00:06:38.457 --> 00:06:40.376 Hi, Jasper. 00:06:40.459 --> 00:06:43.004 - Hi, little boy. 00:06:46.215 --> 00:06:48.092 This is amazing. 00:06:51.137 --> 00:06:53.139 He's sticking his tongue out. 00:06:57.435 --> 00:06:59.520 Hi. Nice to meet you. 00:06:59.603 --> 00:07:01.522 - Bye. - Bye. 00:07:01.605 --> 00:07:03.357 - I'll miss you this summer. - Me, too. 00:07:03.441 --> 00:07:05.443 - Okay, write me. - Write me back. 00:07:05.526 --> 00:07:06.777 Work on your French. 00:07:06.861 --> 00:07:08.154 - Oui, madame. 00:07:08.237 --> 00:07:09.405 Have a great summer. 00:07:09.488 --> 00:07:11.407 And say hi to your mom. 00:07:13.659 --> 00:07:16.537 - Everything. - Everything. 00:08:23.395 --> 00:08:25.189 Ya! 00:08:25.272 --> 00:08:27.024 Come on. 00:08:48.546 --> 00:08:50.256 Hey. 00:08:51.966 --> 00:08:52.966 Where have you been? 00:08:53.008 --> 00:08:54.236 Yeah, I just need to sleep, all right? 00:08:54.260 --> 00:08:55.427 What have you been doing? 00:08:55.511 --> 00:08:57.391 I just need to sleep, all right? Leave me alone. 00:08:57.555 --> 00:09:00.766 Guys, go downstairs. 00:09:00.850 --> 00:09:03.435 I'll be there in a minute. 00:09:34.675 --> 00:09:36.635 Ow. 00:09:46.854 --> 00:09:49.440 Look, Man, I'm-I'm, uh... 00:09:49.523 --> 00:09:53.861 I'm really sorry, all right? And-and I, uh... 00:09:53.944 --> 00:09:56.071 I fucked up, and it was a mistake, but... 00:09:56.155 --> 00:09:58.449 it was a one-time mistake, all right? I learned my lesson. 00:09:58.532 --> 00:10:01.869 I don't want to go through this shit again, all right? So... 00:10:01.952 --> 00:10:03.072 - Let's just go inside. - No. 00:10:03.120 --> 00:10:04.288 They're professionals. 00:10:04.371 --> 00:10:06.207 Let's just listen to what they have to say. 00:10:06.290 --> 00:10:08.083 Look, I'm 18, all right?! You can't force me! 00:10:08.167 --> 00:10:10.085 Hey. 00:10:12.254 --> 00:10:14.465 This got out of hand, right? 00:10:14.548 --> 00:10:16.175 Don't you think? 00:10:19.970 --> 00:10:21.889 Come on. 00:10:23.349 --> 00:10:24.433 All right. 00:10:24.516 --> 00:10:28.229 Okay. Okay. 00:10:31.440 --> 00:10:33.859 I'm doing it for you. 00:11:02.096 --> 00:11:04.473 He needs treatment. And fast. 00:11:04.556 --> 00:11:07.184 There's still a lot of drugs in his system. 00:11:07.268 --> 00:11:10.354 And, worst of all, he's in denial. 00:11:11.730 --> 00:11:13.899 Um, can you help him? 00:11:13.983 --> 00:11:16.110 Oh, yeah. I mean, 00:11:16.193 --> 00:11:19.113 a lot of the people here are not here by choice. 00:11:19.196 --> 00:11:21.490 And they have just as much chance as anybody. 00:11:21.573 --> 00:11:23.492 Okay. 00:11:23.575 --> 00:11:25.703 - So, we have a free bed. 00:11:25.786 --> 00:11:28.497 So, if you want, we can check him in for a 28-day treatment 00:11:28.580 --> 00:11:30.332 and then we evaluate. 00:11:32.042 --> 00:11:35.296 Um... what is your success rate? 00:11:35.379 --> 00:11:37.548 - On the high end, 80%. 00:11:37.631 --> 00:11:41.510 On the low end, 25%. 00:11:41.593 --> 00:11:44.471 Look, he will have daily consultations 00:11:44.555 --> 00:11:46.724 with a staff psychiatrist and physician. 00:11:46.807 --> 00:11:50.686 We have daily N.A. and A.A. meetings. 00:11:50.769 --> 00:11:53.105 He'll be monitored very closely. 00:11:54.815 --> 00:11:56.734 Thank you. 00:11:57.818 --> 00:11:59.945 And last page. 00:12:01.071 --> 00:12:03.198 Everything. 00:12:05.659 --> 00:12:07.995 Everything. 00:12:53.332 --> 00:12:56.293 Why are you always in this room? 00:12:56.377 --> 00:12:58.504 You hardly ever come out of here. 00:12:58.587 --> 00:13:00.255 It's like you're a vampire. 00:13:01.965 --> 00:13:04.385 I read. 00:13:04.468 --> 00:13:06.970 I draw. 00:13:07.054 --> 00:13:09.556 You know what we should do? 00:13:09.640 --> 00:13:11.600 We should go surfing. 00:13:11.683 --> 00:13:13.394 Yeah. 00:13:13.477 --> 00:13:15.270 That sound good? 00:13:15.354 --> 00:13:17.981 I'm kind of into other things now, you know? 00:13:18.065 --> 00:13:21.735 Reading misanthropes and seriously depressed writers. 00:13:21.819 --> 00:13:23.278 Oh, come on, they're... 00:13:23.362 --> 00:13:25.072 they're kind of great, though, right? 00:13:25.155 --> 00:13:26.155 I get it. 00:13:28.450 --> 00:13:30.619 It'll pass, though. 00:13:30.702 --> 00:13:32.579 It always does. 00:13:32.663 --> 00:13:34.540 What does? 00:13:34.623 --> 00:13:38.836 The feeling of being alienated and isolated. 00:13:38.919 --> 00:13:40.754 Huh, that really helps. 00:13:40.838 --> 00:13:42.798 Thanks for the advice, Dad. 00:13:43.882 --> 00:13:45.843 Okay. 00:13:46.969 --> 00:13:49.304 All right. That was... 00:13:49.388 --> 00:13:50.848 That came out wrong. I'm sorry. 00:13:50.931 --> 00:13:53.267 Mm-mm. 00:14:02.192 --> 00:14:04.653 All right. Your-your idea. 00:14:04.736 --> 00:14:06.738 Hey. 00:14:08.490 --> 00:14:10.701 Hey, Dad. 00:14:10.784 --> 00:14:13.871 So, we feel he's made great progress. 00:14:13.954 --> 00:14:16.081 - Right, Nic? - Hi. -Hey. 00:14:16.165 --> 00:14:17.875 - That's great. - That's great. 00:14:17.958 --> 00:14:19.978 - So we should maybe talk about the coming weeks, Nic. 00:14:20.002 --> 00:14:22.463 Mm. I think I need to... I think I need 00:14:22.546 --> 00:14:24.631 a little bit more time in rehab. So if it's... 00:14:24.715 --> 00:14:26.967 if it's all right with you guys, I was wondering 00:14:27.050 --> 00:14:28.653 if I could stay in the halfway house here. 00:14:28.677 --> 00:14:33.098 - The halfway house is an open living facility 00:14:33.182 --> 00:14:35.100 with follow-up every night, 00:14:35.184 --> 00:14:38.562 and we would help him find a job. 00:14:38.645 --> 00:14:40.689 Right. I don't want to... 00:14:40.772 --> 00:14:45.777 go to college... right now. 00:14:45.861 --> 00:14:48.739 - Oh? Okay. Uh, um, and do what? 00:14:48.822 --> 00:14:52.284 I think I need to be independent. 00:14:54.786 --> 00:14:57.372 Dad, I'm telling you, this is... 00:14:59.416 --> 00:15:02.586 It's gonna be good. 00:15:02.669 --> 00:15:03.587 What is he gonna do, 00:15:03.670 --> 00:15:05.547 make coffee for the rest of his life? 00:15:05.631 --> 00:15:06.983 You know what, Frederick told me 00:15:07.007 --> 00:15:08.443 that they have friends that had a son 00:15:08.467 --> 00:15:10.445 that did a four-week program and that wasn't enough 00:15:10.469 --> 00:15:12.346 and now he's doing a year program. 00:15:12.429 --> 00:15:14.269 I wish you wouldn't talk to everybody about it. 00:15:17.142 --> 00:15:19.311 What does that got to do with anything? 00:15:19.394 --> 00:15:20.938 To protect Nic. I mean, at some point, 00:15:21.021 --> 00:15:22.814 he's gonna want to get on with his life. 00:15:22.898 --> 00:15:24.792 And maybe it's best that not everybody knows about this. 00:15:24.816 --> 00:15:26.109 Okay. 00:15:29.196 --> 00:15:30.572 Can we not make this about me? 00:15:30.656 --> 00:15:32.074 Uh... All right. 00:15:32.157 --> 00:15:33.343 Look, Nic needs some more time. 00:15:33.367 --> 00:15:37.454 And that's fine. 00:15:37.538 --> 00:15:38.455 - Okay? - Okay. 00:15:38.539 --> 00:15:39.414 Okay? 00:15:39.498 --> 00:15:41.375 Yeah, okay. 00:15:48.298 --> 00:15:49.466 Shh. 00:15:54.680 --> 00:15:55.764 David Sheff. 00:15:55.847 --> 00:15:56.908 Hi, Mr. Sheff. 00:15:56.932 --> 00:15:59.226 This is Annie Goldblum from the Ohlhoff Center. 00:15:59.309 --> 00:16:00.978 Oh, yes. Hi. Hello. 00:16:01.061 --> 00:16:02.729 Listen, I am sorry to disturb you, 00:16:02.813 --> 00:16:05.899 but I need to inform you about Nic. 00:16:05.983 --> 00:16:08.151 Okay. 00:16:08.235 --> 00:16:10.737 - He left the facility today during free time, 00:16:10.821 --> 00:16:13.532 and he hasn't returned since. 00:16:14.992 --> 00:16:16.243 - I'm sorry, Mr. Sheff, 00:16:16.326 --> 00:16:17.828 but please don't despair. 00:16:17.911 --> 00:16:19.997 This happens. 00:16:21.415 --> 00:16:24.918 But I... I thought you said he was doing so well. 00:16:25.002 --> 00:16:28.589 - You should think of this as part of the process. 00:16:28.672 --> 00:16:31.300 Relapse is a part of recovery. 00:16:31.383 --> 00:16:33.135 Relapse is part of recovery? 00:16:33.218 --> 00:16:35.554 Yeah. It-it's a part of Nic's learning process. 00:16:35.637 --> 00:16:37.931 Well, uh, that's... 00:16:38.015 --> 00:16:41.518 that's like saying crashing is part of pilot training. 00:16:41.602 --> 00:16:44.688 - Look, he'll be back, and probably really quick. 00:16:44.771 --> 00:16:46.499 Do you have somebody out looking for him? 00:16:46.523 --> 00:16:47.858 - It is not our responsibility 00:16:47.941 --> 00:16:49.484 once he leaves the facility. 00:16:49.568 --> 00:16:51.320 - Okay. - But he is welcome to... 00:17:27.689 --> 00:17:29.566 Excuse me. 00:17:29.650 --> 00:17:32.027 Have you seen a kid hanging out around here? 00:17:32.110 --> 00:17:33.904 - No. - No? 00:17:33.987 --> 00:17:36.239 Okay, thank you. 00:18:21.993 --> 00:18:23.870 Wow. They don't want to deal with that. 00:18:23.954 --> 00:18:25.014 Hey, Dad, you want to smoke this? 00:18:25.038 --> 00:18:26.039 Hey, whoa. 00:18:26.123 --> 00:18:27.541 Wait. What...? Stop. 00:18:27.624 --> 00:18:28.976 - Put that away. - We'll smoke this together. 00:18:29.000 --> 00:18:30.961 No, no, no. No. Are you cra... 00:18:31.044 --> 00:18:32.438 - That's crazy. - Well, I know you smoke. 00:18:32.462 --> 00:18:34.422 - Y... Well, yeah. I... - So let's smoke together. 00:18:34.464 --> 00:18:35.924 No, no, no. Occasionally, like... 00:18:36.007 --> 00:18:37.193 - Look, let's smoke to... let's smoke together. 00:18:37.217 --> 00:18:38.135 - Listen. - Or I could just... 00:18:38.218 --> 00:18:39.278 You know what? - No, stop it, stop it. 00:18:39.302 --> 00:18:41.096 - Stop. Stop. - I'll just light it here a... 00:18:41.179 --> 00:18:42.949 You know what? You're right. I'll just light it here alone. 00:18:42.973 --> 00:18:44.349 Don't. 00:18:44.433 --> 00:18:45.142 Occasionally, from time to time... 00:18:45.225 --> 00:18:46.143 - Yeah? 00:18:46.226 --> 00:18:47.704 - I will have a hit or two at a party, 00:18:47.728 --> 00:18:49.563 but it's been a while, so just... 00:18:49.646 --> 00:18:50.897 Oh, okay, so then just smoke... 00:18:50.981 --> 00:18:53.608 have-have a celebratory joint with your son. 00:18:53.692 --> 00:18:56.486 N-No. God, come on. 00:18:56.570 --> 00:18:58.196 No. No, you're amazing. 00:18:58.280 --> 00:18:59.823 You got... you applied to six colleges, 00:18:59.906 --> 00:19:00.949 you got into all of them? 00:19:01.032 --> 00:19:02.325 Yeah. 00:19:02.409 --> 00:19:04.244 Stop doubting yourself. 00:19:04.327 --> 00:19:05.954 Look at you. 00:19:07.164 --> 00:19:08.665 Give me that. Give me that. 00:19:13.336 --> 00:19:15.046 What? 00:19:15.130 --> 00:19:16.882 Nice-nice hit. That was a good hit. 00:19:18.884 --> 00:19:20.927 - What? - Well... 00:19:22.471 --> 00:19:26.767 Thank you. This is a nice... 00:19:26.850 --> 00:19:28.935 thing to do. 00:19:30.854 --> 00:19:32.814 You did a lot of drugs, right? 00:19:32.898 --> 00:19:34.775 I, uh... 00:19:34.858 --> 00:19:36.943 Yeah, I did my share. 00:19:37.027 --> 00:19:38.695 I experimented with some drugs. 00:19:38.779 --> 00:19:40.781 I did. 00:19:42.199 --> 00:19:43.825 - But not harmless. - What, is this...? 00:19:43.909 --> 00:19:45.327 There was a guy, and... No, no. 00:19:45.410 --> 00:19:46.620 This is the lecture part? 00:19:46.703 --> 00:19:48.413 - Right? - Yes. 00:19:48.497 --> 00:19:49.857 Dad, you worry too much, all right? 00:19:49.915 --> 00:19:51.666 - Everyone does it. - Just be careful. 00:19:51.750 --> 00:19:53.835 It's just a little pot. I'm just partying a little. 00:19:53.919 --> 00:19:56.421 It's just... you know, it's just once in a while. 00:19:56.505 --> 00:19:57.756 Mm-hmm. 00:19:57.839 --> 00:19:59.382 I deserve to party a little now. 00:19:59.466 --> 00:20:01.343 - "Deserve to party." - I do. 00:20:01.426 --> 00:20:04.387 Look, it just... it takes the edge off things. 00:20:04.471 --> 00:20:07.933 It-it... it-it takes the edge off of stupid all-day reality. 00:20:10.435 --> 00:20:12.270 Hmm. 00:20:12.354 --> 00:20:15.857 What is stupid about reality? 00:20:15.941 --> 00:20:17.442 You know, just like... 00:20:17.526 --> 00:20:21.863 like daily, stupid things that don't matter. 00:20:21.947 --> 00:20:23.573 Okay. 00:20:23.657 --> 00:20:25.116 You cannot say dumb shit like that, 00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:26.576 or you're gonna start believing it. 00:20:26.660 --> 00:20:28.495 Right. 00:20:57.566 --> 00:20:59.693 Thanks for bringing that, Karen. 00:21:05.532 --> 00:21:07.200 This is my home. 00:21:09.035 --> 00:21:11.121 A couple of weeks ago, you told me 00:21:11.204 --> 00:21:14.666 that you had only done crystal meth once. 00:21:14.749 --> 00:21:17.627 And the story has to be bigger than that, right? 00:21:17.711 --> 00:21:19.838 - Mm-hmm. - There's more to it. 00:21:19.921 --> 00:21:21.131 Yeah? 00:21:21.214 --> 00:21:22.382 David. 00:21:22.465 --> 00:21:23.508 We need to know. 00:21:24.634 --> 00:21:26.469 We need to know. 00:21:30.056 --> 00:21:32.392 I think I always liked it. 00:21:32.475 --> 00:21:34.394 What? 00:21:35.979 --> 00:21:38.773 Anything. Pot, alcohol, 00:21:38.857 --> 00:21:41.943 Ecstasy, cocaine, LSD. 00:21:43.528 --> 00:21:45.822 And you've been doing all of that 00:21:45.906 --> 00:21:47.866 for what... years? 00:21:47.949 --> 00:21:49.868 A couple years, yeah. 00:21:51.161 --> 00:21:52.537 And crystal meth? 00:21:53.997 --> 00:21:55.957 Just a couple months. 00:21:57.417 --> 00:21:58.710 Wh-Why? 00:22:01.421 --> 00:22:02.421 I don't know. 00:22:02.464 --> 00:22:04.382 Um... 00:22:09.304 --> 00:22:12.057 When I tried it, I felt... 00:22:17.479 --> 00:22:20.899 I felt better than I ever had, so... 00:22:20.982 --> 00:22:23.318 I just kept on doing it. 00:22:23.401 --> 00:22:26.571 I was worried that you were smoking too much pot. 00:22:26.655 --> 00:22:31.117 Meanwhile, you're out doing every drug on the planet? 00:22:31.201 --> 00:22:36.414 And hiding it and lying? Why? 00:22:38.875 --> 00:22:39.875 - I don't know. Um... 00:22:39.918 --> 00:22:41.628 - Why Nic, tell me why? 00:22:41.711 --> 00:22:42.754 Ease up. 00:22:42.837 --> 00:22:44.547 - I don't know. - I thought we were close. 00:22:44.631 --> 00:22:46.651 I thought we were closer than most fathers and sons. 00:22:46.675 --> 00:22:49.052 Yeah, I feel like you're always disappointed in me. 00:22:49.135 --> 00:22:50.196 You're disappointed I didn't go to college. 00:22:50.220 --> 00:22:51.471 - Can you blame me?! 00:22:51.554 --> 00:22:53.139 Just, uh, not too long ago, 00:22:53.223 --> 00:22:54.867 you were reading and you were writing, and you were on 00:22:54.891 --> 00:22:57.060 the water polo team. 00:22:57.143 --> 00:22:58.520 And look at us now. 00:22:58.603 --> 00:22:59.664 - Dad... - Can you please stop? 00:22:59.688 --> 00:23:01.040 - This isn't us. This is not who we are. 00:23:01.064 --> 00:23:03.358 Just, please, both of you, stop. 00:23:03.441 --> 00:23:05.193 Dad, I'm really sorry about everything. 00:23:07.988 --> 00:23:09.739 Dad, I'm so... 00:23:12.909 --> 00:23:14.369 I'm really sorry, Dad. 00:23:19.124 --> 00:23:20.375 - Nic, what you have... 00:23:22.377 --> 00:23:24.045 ...you're gonna find it again. 00:23:28.049 --> 00:23:29.509 - And you're gonna get it back. 00:23:32.220 --> 00:23:33.722 Ow, ow, ow. 00:23:33.805 --> 00:23:35.598 Ow. There you go. 00:24:11.176 --> 00:24:12.969 Nic! 00:24:22.896 --> 00:24:24.814 Nic! 00:24:26.191 --> 00:24:27.484 Nic! 00:24:29.360 --> 00:24:30.987 Nic! 00:24:41.414 --> 00:24:43.374 Nic! 00:24:58.139 --> 00:24:59.516 Hey, Dad. 00:24:59.599 --> 00:25:01.267 Hey. 00:25:01.351 --> 00:25:02.811 How's New York? 00:25:02.894 --> 00:25:04.104 Fine. Good. 00:25:04.187 --> 00:25:05.480 Good interview today. 00:25:05.563 --> 00:25:06.898 - Nice. - How are you? 00:25:06.981 --> 00:25:09.526 Oh, I'm-I'm doing good. Yeah. 00:25:09.609 --> 00:25:11.152 Yeah? You sure? 00:25:11.236 --> 00:25:12.987 Yeah. I don't... well... 00:25:13.071 --> 00:25:14.781 What? 00:25:14.864 --> 00:25:16.366 It's, uh... 00:25:16.449 --> 00:25:17.867 What's going on? 00:25:17.951 --> 00:25:20.787 Uh, we had this great group session, 00:25:20.870 --> 00:25:23.414 and one of the guys here was saying he would do anything 00:25:23.498 --> 00:25:25.542 for a chance to go to college, but he can't. 00:25:25.625 --> 00:25:27.545 - Okay. -And when we were talking later, he said, 00:25:27.627 --> 00:25:29.796 "You could still go to college. Don't be an idiot. 00:25:29.879 --> 00:25:31.756 Go to college." 00:25:33.049 --> 00:25:34.592 I don't know, it's just crazy. 00:25:34.676 --> 00:25:37.637 I realized I don't think I should stay behind. 00:25:37.720 --> 00:25:38.847 I love writing. 00:25:38.930 --> 00:25:41.391 And I feel like I'm good at it, 00:25:41.474 --> 00:25:44.227 and I do it a lot, but... 00:25:44.310 --> 00:25:47.063 obviously, there's still a lot 00:25:47.147 --> 00:25:49.399 for-for me to learn and... 00:25:51.067 --> 00:25:53.278 Anyway, um... 00:25:53.361 --> 00:25:56.114 I'd love to give it a go, if... 00:25:56.197 --> 00:25:58.908 you know, if it's all right with you guys. 00:26:01.828 --> 00:26:05.290 Yeah. I'll talk to Karen and to your mom. 00:26:06.416 --> 00:26:08.168 Back here. 00:26:31.441 --> 00:26:32.984 Have you met your roommate yet? 00:26:33.067 --> 00:26:34.235 Yeah, he seems nice. 00:26:34.319 --> 00:26:36.279 He's just in the hall. 00:26:36.362 --> 00:26:37.572 I feel for you, though. 00:26:39.115 --> 00:26:40.366 Ouch. 00:26:40.450 --> 00:26:41.951 No worries. I'll educate him. 00:26:43.828 --> 00:26:45.955 Before you know it, he'll be listening to John Zorn. 00:26:46.039 --> 00:26:47.832 Ah. 00:26:56.382 --> 00:26:58.384 Well, I better get going. 00:26:58.468 --> 00:26:59.969 All right. 00:27:11.898 --> 00:27:15.693 - Everything. - Everything. 00:27:30.124 --> 00:27:32.835 So, this is a poem by Charles Bukowski. 00:27:36.714 --> 00:27:40.385 Uh, this man saved my life multiple times, so... 00:27:40.468 --> 00:27:43.096 I changed jobs and cities, 00:27:43.179 --> 00:27:44.931 I hated holidays, 00:27:45.014 --> 00:27:46.307 babies, history, 00:27:46.391 --> 00:27:51.271 newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 00:27:51.354 --> 00:27:54.482 marriage, movies, spiders... 00:27:54.565 --> 00:27:56.165 - I want to see it, I want to see it! Oh! 00:27:56.234 --> 00:27:57.151 - ...garbage men, 00:27:57.235 --> 00:27:59.028 - English accents... - Nice. Go, go, go! 00:27:59.112 --> 00:28:01.489 ...Spain, France, 00:28:01.572 --> 00:28:06.286 Italy, walnuts and the color orange. 00:28:06.369 --> 00:28:10.832 Algebra angered me, opera sickened me, 00:28:10.915 --> 00:28:12.542 Charlie Chaplin was a fake 00:28:12.625 --> 00:28:14.711 and flowers were for pansies. 00:28:19.632 --> 00:28:21.551 Thanks. 00:28:37.317 --> 00:28:40.194 Come here. 00:28:45.825 --> 00:28:47.869 Mm. 00:28:47.952 --> 00:28:50.496 Hi. 00:29:12.268 --> 00:29:13.936 Where's your bathroom? 00:29:14.020 --> 00:29:15.247 Hey, is there a bathroom I can use? 00:29:15.271 --> 00:29:16.522 Sure, honey. 00:29:16.606 --> 00:29:18.646 I'll show you where it is. Go right up, to the left. 00:30:31.222 --> 00:30:33.558 - Hey, Dad. - Hey, Nic. 00:30:33.641 --> 00:30:35.309 How you doing? What's going on? 00:30:35.393 --> 00:30:36.829 Oh, no, everything's going great here, yeah. 00:30:36.853 --> 00:30:38.247 Oh, hey, thanks for sending the money. 00:30:38.271 --> 00:30:39.355 I really appreciate that. 00:32:06.025 --> 00:32:08.569 Yeah, you always hog the fondue. 00:32:08.653 --> 00:32:11.072 Oh, uh, Patrick and Phil are going hiking tomorrow, 00:32:11.155 --> 00:32:14.158 so they'd like us to join them. 00:32:18.579 --> 00:32:21.123 Are Jasper and Daisy here, by any...? 00:32:21.207 --> 00:32:22.375 - They're not here. - No? 00:32:22.458 --> 00:32:23.936 - No. - Oh, they didn't want to see me? 00:32:23.960 --> 00:32:25.145 - No, they didn't want to see you. 00:32:25.169 --> 00:32:26.249 - Oh, that's tough to hear. 00:32:26.295 --> 00:32:29.757 Uh, well, I'm gonna just have a seat on this couch 00:32:29.840 --> 00:32:30.716 and think about that, huh? 00:32:30.800 --> 00:32:32.718 - Oh! - Whoa! Whoa! 00:32:32.802 --> 00:32:35.429 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's Daisy! 00:32:35.513 --> 00:32:37.223 Oh, Jasper! 00:32:37.306 --> 00:32:40.101 Oh, my God, you guys have gotten so much bigger! 00:32:40.184 --> 00:32:42.853 Oh! Oh, my God, you're so...! 00:32:44.689 --> 00:32:46.691 - Okay. - Denmark, 1632. 00:32:46.774 --> 00:32:48.484 - Oh, no. - We... 00:32:48.568 --> 00:32:52.405 Like to look back at the history of Hula-Hoops. 00:32:52.488 --> 00:32:55.241 So important to, uh, 00:32:55.324 --> 00:32:57.118 the culture of peace and wisdom. 00:32:57.201 --> 00:33:00.955 Um, a man named George... Hoopulu. 00:33:01.038 --> 00:33:04.041 Was, uh... was, uh... 00:33:04.125 --> 00:33:05.751 And he thought... 00:33:05.835 --> 00:33:08.296 "Well, I'm going to 00:33:08.379 --> 00:33:09.880 develop something that I..." 00:33:15.720 --> 00:33:17.013 Hey. 00:33:17.096 --> 00:33:19.932 - Hey. Uh... 00:33:20.016 --> 00:33:23.477 Hey. Um... 00:33:23.561 --> 00:33:25.747 I was wondering, do you think I could use your car tonight? 00:33:25.771 --> 00:33:27.982 'Cause I just... I want to go to a meeting. 00:33:28.065 --> 00:33:29.900 - Oh. You got a meeting tonight? 00:33:29.984 --> 00:33:31.819 - Yeah, sure. 00:33:35.990 --> 00:33:37.241 Y-You good? 00:33:37.325 --> 00:33:39.660 Yeah. I just... 00:33:40.328 --> 00:33:41.203 - They're crazy. - Yeah. 00:33:41.287 --> 00:33:42.788 They're really excited you're home. 00:33:45.833 --> 00:33:47.436 - I mean, I'll see you in the morning, I guess. 00:33:47.460 --> 00:33:49.337 - Okay. 00:33:50.713 --> 00:33:52.715 All right. 00:34:14.737 --> 00:34:16.530 Yep! Mm! 00:34:39.220 --> 00:34:40.888 Where is it?! 00:34:40.971 --> 00:34:42.473 I don't have it! 00:34:42.556 --> 00:34:44.016 Where is it?! 00:34:44.100 --> 00:34:45.518 I don't have it! 00:34:45.601 --> 00:34:48.062 Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 00:34:48.145 --> 00:34:49.772 Where is it?! 00:34:49.855 --> 00:34:50.957 Guys, guys, stop it. 00:34:50.981 --> 00:34:52.108 I don't know! 00:34:52.191 --> 00:34:53.251 Stop. Calm down. What's going on in here? 00:34:53.275 --> 00:34:54.652 She took my money! 00:34:54.735 --> 00:34:55.861 I didn't. 00:34:55.945 --> 00:34:58.072 Okay, all right. Come on, go downstairs 00:34:58.155 --> 00:34:59.841 - and see Mommy, all right? - You took them! 00:34:59.865 --> 00:35:01.784 Don't, don't, don't. Stop, stop. 00:35:01.867 --> 00:35:04.829 - I didn't take it, Daddy. - I know you didn't. All right. 00:35:04.912 --> 00:35:07.540 Just go downstairs and have some breakfast. 00:35:07.623 --> 00:35:08.708 Hey, what happened? 00:35:10.459 --> 00:35:11.752 They're gone. 00:35:11.836 --> 00:35:14.296 Okay. Are you sure you had it in there? 00:35:14.380 --> 00:35:17.049 - Yeah. I had them yesterday. - Okay. 00:35:24.849 --> 00:35:26.851 Jasper's savings disappeared. 00:35:28.978 --> 00:35:30.438 Yeah? That's weird. 00:35:36.527 --> 00:35:38.237 Did you take his eight dollars? 00:35:40.948 --> 00:35:42.324 What? 00:35:42.408 --> 00:35:43.451 You heard me. 00:35:44.034 --> 00:35:46.287 Why would I? 00:35:46.370 --> 00:35:48.456 It disappeared, and somebody has to have done it. 00:35:48.539 --> 00:35:50.666 Right, so it's me. 00:35:50.750 --> 00:35:53.335 This is fucking ridiculous. 00:35:53.419 --> 00:35:56.297 Are you using again? 00:35:56.380 --> 00:35:59.425 Am I using again? No. 00:36:01.010 --> 00:36:03.721 Are you high right now? 00:36:03.804 --> 00:36:05.389 What the f...? No. 00:36:05.473 --> 00:36:07.475 - Fuck you. - "Fuck you"? 00:36:07.558 --> 00:36:08.976 Don't talk to me that way. 00:36:09.059 --> 00:36:10.603 Are you high right now? 00:36:10.686 --> 00:36:11.979 No. 00:36:12.062 --> 00:36:13.606 You're not using right now? 00:36:13.689 --> 00:36:14.982 Are you using? 00:36:15.065 --> 00:36:18.736 No, Dad, I'm not fucking high right now! 00:36:18.819 --> 00:36:20.696 Okay. 00:36:24.074 --> 00:36:27.369 Listen, it was a gamble to send you to college. 00:36:27.453 --> 00:36:30.164 Everybody supported it. 00:36:30.247 --> 00:36:32.124 I'm glad that you went. 00:36:33.375 --> 00:36:35.836 Relapse is a part of rec... 00:36:35.920 --> 00:36:37.797 Relapse is part of recovery. 00:36:37.880 --> 00:36:41.717 - So we're gonna get... - I better leave. 00:36:50.226 --> 00:36:52.686 - David? - Hey. 00:36:52.770 --> 00:36:55.564 Just... where-where are you gonna go? 00:36:55.648 --> 00:36:57.983 You can't just leave. This is ridiculous. 00:36:58.067 --> 00:36:59.401 - Come on. - Will you talk to us? 00:36:59.485 --> 00:37:01.087 I mean, really... we just want to talk to you. 00:37:01.111 --> 00:37:03.656 Why don't... Try to help us understand. 00:37:03.739 --> 00:37:05.175 - Or just let us help you. - All right? 00:37:05.199 --> 00:37:06.676 I don't want your fucking help. Don't you understand that? 00:37:06.700 --> 00:37:08.202 - No. - No, you don't. Jesus Christ, 00:37:08.285 --> 00:37:09.930 then what the fuck is wrong with you, then, huh? 00:37:09.954 --> 00:37:11.264 - What the hell is wrong with you people? 00:37:11.288 --> 00:37:12.331 - Nic. 00:37:12.414 --> 00:37:13.517 - No! You fucking suffocate me. - Hey. 00:37:13.541 --> 00:37:14.333 - Oh... - You fucking suffocate me! 00:37:14.416 --> 00:37:16.836 Whoa, it's us? We're the problem? 00:37:16.919 --> 00:37:18.605 No. You know what, you're the one who's doing it! 00:37:18.629 --> 00:37:20.756 You're the one who's causing it! 00:37:20.840 --> 00:37:23.467 And you're the only one who can stop it! 00:37:23.551 --> 00:37:24.635 Fucking solve it! 00:37:53.330 --> 00:37:54.330 Fuck! 00:37:55.416 --> 00:37:56.834 Fuck! 00:39:49.905 --> 00:39:52.324 So, this is for the, uh, 00:39:52.408 --> 00:39:53.993 "New York Times Magazine"? 00:39:54.076 --> 00:39:55.786 Oh, no. 00:39:55.869 --> 00:39:57.162 I'm a... I-I write. 00:39:57.246 --> 00:39:58.706 I freelance for different magazines, 00:39:58.789 --> 00:40:01.792 but this is... this is a personal matter. 00:40:01.875 --> 00:40:04.003 - A personal matter? - Yes. I'm sorry. 00:40:04.086 --> 00:40:06.338 - Is that okay? -Uh, no, it's absolutely okay. 00:40:06.422 --> 00:40:08.215 May I ask what-what this is regarding? 00:40:08.298 --> 00:40:10.718 Uh, it's about my son. 00:40:10.801 --> 00:40:12.720 Okay. 00:40:15.806 --> 00:40:18.934 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 00:40:19.018 --> 00:40:20.853 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 00:40:20.936 --> 00:40:24.690 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of them. 00:40:24.773 --> 00:40:26.984 And I guess I'm here 00:40:27.067 --> 00:40:30.738 because I just want to know all that I can 00:40:30.821 --> 00:40:33.741 about all of it. 00:40:33.824 --> 00:40:36.326 So, uh, crystal meth, uh, 00:40:36.410 --> 00:40:38.250 gives the user a feeling of instant euphoria... 00:40:38.328 --> 00:40:40.831 at least, when he takes it. 00:40:40.914 --> 00:40:42.100 You know, but when it wears off, 00:40:42.124 --> 00:40:43.876 with a depletion of as much as 60% 00:40:43.959 --> 00:40:46.837 of the dopamine, the user has to up the doses. 00:40:46.920 --> 00:40:50.883 He has to double it, triple it just to feel something, 00:40:50.966 --> 00:40:53.093 causing even more nerve damage, 00:40:53.177 --> 00:40:56.972 which, uh, increases the compulsion to use. 00:40:57.056 --> 00:40:58.557 Horrible cycle. 00:41:00.642 --> 00:41:02.770 - What's up? - Hey. 00:41:02.853 --> 00:41:05.481 Just doing some research. 00:41:32.758 --> 00:41:34.676 Hi. 00:41:40.808 --> 00:41:42.851 Are you hungry? 00:41:42.935 --> 00:41:46.021 You want to get something? 00:41:46.105 --> 00:41:48.690 Most guys just ask me for a blow job. 00:41:48.774 --> 00:41:52.277 Oh, no. No, I'm just offering something to eat. 00:41:52.361 --> 00:41:54.696 Maybe talk a little, if you're up to it. 00:41:54.780 --> 00:41:58.117 Meth changes the brain physically. 00:41:58.200 --> 00:42:00.536 Here we see the loss of dopamine receptors 00:42:00.619 --> 00:42:02.579 in a meth user's brain. 00:42:02.663 --> 00:42:05.124 Now, I'm gonna show you something else here. 00:42:05.207 --> 00:42:08.919 Do you see, uh, right here there are these two red, uh... 00:42:09.002 --> 00:42:10.546 - large, red spots right here? - Yeah. 00:42:10.629 --> 00:42:13.340 Okay, what that shows is hyperactivity in the amygdala. 00:42:13.423 --> 00:42:15.300 And the amygdala is a region of the brain 00:42:15.384 --> 00:42:17.803 that is linked with anxiety and fear. 00:42:17.886 --> 00:42:19.930 Here the amygdala is screaming. 00:42:23.767 --> 00:42:25.769 What this shows us 00:42:25.853 --> 00:42:28.147 is that there is a biological basis, 00:42:28.230 --> 00:42:31.942 uh, that meth users may be unable... 00:42:32.025 --> 00:42:34.069 not unwilling, but unable... 00:42:34.153 --> 00:42:37.364 to participate in normal treatment programs. 00:42:37.447 --> 00:42:38.866 I was in rehab, too. 00:42:40.075 --> 00:42:41.535 Three times. 00:42:41.618 --> 00:42:44.037 Ran away every time. 00:42:44.121 --> 00:42:46.540 Why? 00:42:46.623 --> 00:42:48.750 It was hell. 00:42:48.834 --> 00:42:51.170 Wanted to die. 00:42:51.253 --> 00:42:53.172 Why was it hell? 00:42:53.255 --> 00:42:56.049 All that God shit. 00:42:56.133 --> 00:42:58.051 Also, you just don't know how good it gets 00:42:58.135 --> 00:43:00.053 when it gets good. 00:43:00.137 --> 00:43:02.181 It's hard to explain. 00:43:02.264 --> 00:43:04.099 Feels like cocaine 00:43:04.183 --> 00:43:05.684 but multiplied by, like, a thousand. 00:43:05.767 --> 00:43:07.436 Or, like, a million. 00:43:07.519 --> 00:43:10.063 What does this mean for Nic? 00:43:10.147 --> 00:43:12.065 Look, Mr. Sheff, I... 00:43:12.149 --> 00:43:15.027 I don't know who promised you what, 00:43:15.110 --> 00:43:19.031 but the success percentage is in the single digits. 00:43:21.033 --> 00:43:22.326 Okay. 00:43:24.453 --> 00:43:27.206 What about your parents? 00:43:27.289 --> 00:43:29.416 - What about them? 00:43:29.499 --> 00:43:32.252 - Don't you think they're worried about you? 00:43:32.336 --> 00:43:34.755 Shouldn't you... 00:43:34.838 --> 00:43:37.090 let them know that... 00:43:37.174 --> 00:43:39.426 - They don't care. 00:43:39.509 --> 00:43:42.763 - Well, I think they do. 00:43:43.889 --> 00:43:46.808 What the fuck do you know? 00:43:53.690 --> 00:43:55.609 I gotta go. 00:43:55.692 --> 00:43:58.779 Oh. Okay. 00:44:02.157 --> 00:44:04.660 Thanks. 00:44:22.344 --> 00:44:25.097 - Hey! - Hey! Hey, now! 00:45:22.195 --> 00:45:23.613 God. 00:46:52.452 --> 00:46:54.329 I'm gonna try some Klingon on you. 00:46:54.413 --> 00:46:55.455 Ready? 00:47:04.131 --> 00:47:06.258 - You know what I said? - May I have a Coca-Cola? 00:47:06.341 --> 00:47:07.926 Exactly. 00:47:08.009 --> 00:47:09.803 That's it. 00:47:09.886 --> 00:47:11.805 That's exactly what I asked. 00:47:11.888 --> 00:47:13.265 Can I have a Coca-Cola? 00:47:13.348 --> 00:47:15.183 All right. If you ask me in Klingon, 00:47:15.267 --> 00:47:17.185 maybe I'll get you a Coke. 00:47:34.828 --> 00:47:36.872 Hey. 00:47:49.468 --> 00:47:51.344 Oh, wow. 00:47:52.888 --> 00:47:55.056 This hasn't changed at all. 00:47:55.140 --> 00:47:58.143 This place. 00:47:59.519 --> 00:48:01.188 - Hey. - So, how you doing? 00:48:01.271 --> 00:48:02.606 I'm doing great. 00:48:02.689 --> 00:48:04.816 You know, just, um... 00:48:04.900 --> 00:48:06.651 um... 00:48:06.735 --> 00:48:08.612 just doing what needs to be done. 00:48:09.696 --> 00:48:11.490 What does that mean? 00:48:11.573 --> 00:48:15.285 Just being responsible for myself and... 00:48:15.368 --> 00:48:17.496 I've quit on my own, you know, so... 00:48:17.579 --> 00:48:19.664 I got five days now. 00:48:21.374 --> 00:48:23.543 I feel like I'm doing well, but I just need, um... 00:48:23.627 --> 00:48:26.755 I just need a few hundred bucks, though. 00:48:26.838 --> 00:48:28.465 Nic, I can't give you any money. 00:48:30.550 --> 00:48:32.469 Yeah. 00:48:32.552 --> 00:48:34.721 Okay. 00:48:34.804 --> 00:48:36.473 It's just 200 bucks. I just need, um... 00:48:36.556 --> 00:48:38.058 I just need to get some shit together. 00:48:38.141 --> 00:48:39.351 I want to go to New York. 00:48:39.434 --> 00:48:41.645 - New York? - Yeah. 00:48:41.728 --> 00:48:43.522 I need to get out of San Francisco. 00:48:43.605 --> 00:48:45.232 There's too Many... 00:48:45.315 --> 00:48:47.108 All these fucking bad vibes here 00:48:47.192 --> 00:48:50.070 all the time. 00:48:50.153 --> 00:48:51.988 Yeah, I just need a few hundred bucks. 00:48:52.072 --> 00:48:54.366 Why don't we just have lunch and talk? 00:48:54.449 --> 00:48:56.952 - We can do that, right? - Mm. Hmm. 00:49:02.999 --> 00:49:05.627 How... how's Karen and, uh... and the kids? 00:49:05.710 --> 00:49:09.089 Okay. They ask about you. 00:49:09.172 --> 00:49:12.008 It's their step-up next week, and I know they'd love you... 00:49:12.092 --> 00:49:13.986 Dad, you're, uh... you're guilt-tripping me, all right? 00:49:14.010 --> 00:49:15.387 No, I'm just saying... 00:49:15.470 --> 00:49:17.681 I should feel horrible about myself. 00:49:19.140 --> 00:49:23.728 I know they wanted you to be there, that's all. 00:49:23.812 --> 00:49:25.397 I'm sorry, Dad. 00:49:25.480 --> 00:49:28.942 Um... I just need some fucking money, all right? 00:49:29.025 --> 00:49:30.419 So please just give me some fucking money. 00:49:30.443 --> 00:49:31.796 And then what? Where does this end? 00:49:31.820 --> 00:49:33.297 This is... I got to see this one through. 00:49:33.321 --> 00:49:35.007 This is kind of working out for me right now. 00:49:35.031 --> 00:49:36.217 - I got five days sober. - It doesn't look 00:49:36.241 --> 00:49:37.321 like it's working out, Nic. 00:49:37.367 --> 00:49:38.553 Oh, it doesn't look like it's working out? 00:49:38.577 --> 00:49:39.494 - So what, then, therapy? Huh? -No. 00:49:39.578 --> 00:49:40.912 - You can come home. - No. 00:49:40.996 --> 00:49:42.682 - That wouldn't... - We'll make it work. Please. 00:49:42.706 --> 00:49:43.832 Nic. 00:49:45.709 --> 00:49:46.793 Please. 00:49:54.134 --> 00:49:56.362 - I've been doing some research. - Been doing fucking research? 00:49:56.386 --> 00:49:58.847 - You got to be kidding me, Dad. - No... 00:49:58.930 --> 00:50:00.932 You think that you have this under control. 00:50:01.016 --> 00:50:03.685 - Mm-hmm. -And I understand how scared you are. 00:50:03.768 --> 00:50:05.728 I understand why I do things... it doesn't make me 00:50:05.770 --> 00:50:07.856 any different, all right? I'm attracted to craziness. 00:50:07.939 --> 00:50:10.692 And you're just embarrassed, 'cause I was, like, you know... 00:50:10.775 --> 00:50:12.003 I was, like, this amazing thing, 00:50:12.027 --> 00:50:13.421 like, your special creation or something, 00:50:13.445 --> 00:50:15.655 - and you don't like who I am now. - Yeah? 00:50:15.739 --> 00:50:16.924 - Who are you, Nic? - This is me, Dad. 00:50:16.948 --> 00:50:19.367 Here. This is who I am. 00:50:26.708 --> 00:50:28.752 You don't like what you see? 00:50:35.258 --> 00:50:39.471 You know, the more I think about it... 00:50:39.554 --> 00:50:41.765 Mom should've gotten custody. 00:50:41.848 --> 00:50:44.309 Because you always gotta be fucking 00:50:44.392 --> 00:50:46.186 controlling everything all the time. 00:50:46.269 --> 00:50:48.772 You're allowed to be mad at me, Nic. I made mistakes. 00:50:48.855 --> 00:50:51.650 I understand that. I wish that I hadn't, but I did. 00:50:51.733 --> 00:50:54.444 But, God, what you're saying right now 00:50:54.527 --> 00:50:57.489 - doesn't make any sense. - You're doing this right now! 00:50:57.572 --> 00:50:58.966 - You're fucking controlling me right now! 00:50:58.990 --> 00:51:01.868 - It's not you. It is not you, Nic. It is the drugs talking. 00:51:01.951 --> 00:51:03.220 What does that even fucking mean, huh? 00:51:03.244 --> 00:51:04.244 Psychological terror. 00:51:04.287 --> 00:51:05.413 It's what addicts do. 00:51:05.497 --> 00:51:06.932 What the fuck are you doing right now, huh? 00:51:06.956 --> 00:51:09.459 What is this? What are you doing, huh? 00:51:17.592 --> 00:51:19.511 Oh,. 00:51:22.681 --> 00:51:25.600 I didn't want it to go like this. 00:51:29.396 --> 00:51:30.939 All right. 00:51:31.022 --> 00:51:32.607 I should go, Dad. 00:51:37.404 --> 00:51:39.489 - Let me... let me book you a room. 00:51:39.572 --> 00:51:40.407 - No, Dad. 00:51:40.490 --> 00:51:41.717 - At a hotel for a couple of nights. 00:51:41.741 --> 00:51:43.243 - No. Dad... 00:51:43.326 --> 00:51:44.720 - Why don't we just go get some food? 00:51:44.744 --> 00:51:46.871 - Dad, I should go. 00:51:48.248 --> 00:51:49.488 Can you say good-bye, at least? 00:51:49.541 --> 00:51:50.541 Bye, Dad. 00:52:02.137 --> 00:52:04.097 Where does he sleep? 00:52:04.180 --> 00:52:06.683 Um, don't worry about that, sweetie. 00:52:06.766 --> 00:52:07.809 He's fine. 00:52:12.939 --> 00:52:15.275 Um... 00:52:15.358 --> 00:52:18.069 maybe he has a friend and he sleeps there. 00:52:18.153 --> 00:52:21.823 - Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe. - Dolphin. 00:52:21.906 --> 00:52:23.575 - Hope so. - Need "E." 00:52:23.658 --> 00:52:25.034 Elephant. 00:52:25.118 --> 00:52:27.162 - Can I call him? - Hmm. 00:52:27.245 --> 00:52:28.955 - No. I tried. 00:52:29.038 --> 00:52:32.000 - His phone's disconnected. - Can I send him a message? 00:52:32.083 --> 00:52:36.379 Maybe he'll get lonely and turn his phone back on? 00:52:36.463 --> 00:52:38.798 That's a good idea. 00:52:38.882 --> 00:52:40.842 Yeah. Let's try that. 00:53:34.979 --> 00:53:36.606 Dave. 00:53:36.689 --> 00:53:38.942 - Yeah? - Okay. Let's go. 00:53:42.946 --> 00:53:44.864 Hey, Dave, close your eyes. 00:53:44.948 --> 00:53:46.407 Okay. 00:53:49.953 --> 00:53:51.871 And... open 'em! 00:53:53.248 --> 00:53:54.916 Oh. Wow. 00:53:54.999 --> 00:53:56.376 Wow! 00:54:54.851 --> 00:54:56.519 Hello? 00:54:56.603 --> 00:54:59.355 This is Julie Ford at the Bellevue Hospital in New York. 00:54:59.439 --> 00:55:01.190 Is Nic Sheff your son? 00:55:04.819 --> 00:55:06.321 Uh, Mr. Sheff, 00:55:06.404 --> 00:55:08.781 I'm sorry we missed each other earlier. 00:55:08.865 --> 00:55:11.951 So, Nic is still experiencing some respiratory depression, 00:55:12.035 --> 00:55:13.870 but his vital signs are returning. 00:55:13.953 --> 00:55:16.289 Sir, we're ready for departure. 00:55:16.372 --> 00:55:17.790 Okay, okay. 00:55:17.874 --> 00:55:20.376 Um... may I talk to him? 00:55:20.460 --> 00:55:22.170 - No, that won't be possible. 00:55:22.253 --> 00:55:23.647 - Sir, I need you to turn off the phone. 00:55:23.671 --> 00:55:24.732 - Believe me, we shouldn't wake him up. 00:55:24.756 --> 00:55:25.757 - Mm-hmm. 00:55:25.840 --> 00:55:26.758 - Try again in a few hours, though, okay? 00:55:26.841 --> 00:55:29.052 - Okay. Uh, would you let him know that... 00:55:29.135 --> 00:55:30.845 - Sir. Sir. Please. 00:55:30.929 --> 00:55:32.929 - Would you please let him know that I'm on my way? 00:55:41.272 --> 00:55:42.440 He checked out. 00:55:42.523 --> 00:55:43.650 What? 00:55:43.733 --> 00:55:45.151 Against doctor's orders. 00:55:45.234 --> 00:55:47.278 - No, no, he O.D.'d. - I'm sorry, sir. 00:55:47.362 --> 00:55:49.614 He pulled out the I.V. and catheter, and left. 00:55:49.697 --> 00:55:51.032 How long ago? 00:55:51.115 --> 00:55:53.534 Ten to 15 minutes. 00:55:53.618 --> 00:55:55.954 I'm sorry, sir. 00:56:19.644 --> 00:56:21.521 Yes. 00:56:42.542 --> 00:56:44.544 Look, I've thought about it, 00:56:44.627 --> 00:56:46.462 and I'm done with drugs. 00:56:46.546 --> 00:56:48.548 This is it. 00:56:50.967 --> 00:56:53.344 I'm telling you, Dad. 00:56:53.428 --> 00:56:55.346 I'm done. 00:57:05.565 --> 00:57:07.900 And how would that work? 00:57:07.984 --> 00:57:11.446 I mean, after what just happened. 00:57:26.669 --> 00:57:28.796 Now, if you're in the area, 00:57:28.880 --> 00:57:30.381 evacuation orders and details, 00:57:30.465 --> 00:57:32.717 including relocation centers, can be found on... 00:57:32.800 --> 00:57:35.094 So, at 3:00, we have a conference call 00:57:35.178 --> 00:57:36.721 with the intake people in Mississippi. 00:57:36.804 --> 00:57:38.056 That's all for now. 00:57:38.139 --> 00:57:39.724 3:30, the one in New Mexico. 00:57:39.807 --> 00:57:41.684 And 4:00, the one in Oregon. 00:57:41.768 --> 00:57:44.395 I did some research on the one in New Mexico. 00:57:44.479 --> 00:57:47.774 Mm-hmm. - They charge $40,000 a month. 00:57:47.857 --> 00:57:49.376 You know, it's not even that well rated. 00:57:49.400 --> 00:57:51.486 We'll just skip that one. 00:57:51.569 --> 00:57:54.238 Listen, if a spot opens up here in Los Angeles, 00:57:54.322 --> 00:57:56.491 Maybe that's the best solution for now. 00:57:56.574 --> 00:57:59.452 I'll hear back from them in an hour. 00:57:59.535 --> 00:58:00.703 - Mm. 00:58:00.787 --> 00:58:02.705 Give it a rest, David. 00:58:02.789 --> 00:58:04.832 Why don't you let me take over for now? 00:58:10.254 --> 00:58:11.756 Mm. 00:58:11.839 --> 00:58:13.591 Dad? 00:58:13.674 --> 00:58:15.176 Yeah. 00:58:15.259 --> 00:58:19.305 Will you check on me every 15 minutes? 00:58:19.388 --> 00:58:21.682 Yes. 00:58:59.303 --> 00:59:01.556 Do you want to bring one of your dinosaurs, too? 00:59:04.684 --> 00:59:06.435 How about a book? 00:59:08.146 --> 00:59:10.648 No? Okay. 00:59:14.944 --> 00:59:18.114 You ready? 00:59:18.197 --> 00:59:19.866 Hey. Hey. 00:59:22.201 --> 00:59:24.245 Can I have a hug? 00:59:24.328 --> 00:59:25.329 No? 00:59:25.413 --> 00:59:26.914 Why not? 00:59:26.998 --> 00:59:29.375 Are you mad at me? 00:59:29.458 --> 00:59:31.586 'Cause you have to go? 00:59:32.670 --> 00:59:34.255 Okay. 00:59:34.338 --> 00:59:38.092 Well... you'll be happy to see Mommy, though, right? 00:59:40.219 --> 00:59:42.096 I want you to know something. 00:59:42.180 --> 00:59:44.557 When you come back, I'm gonna be here... 00:59:44.640 --> 00:59:47.685 right... I'm gonna be right here for you. 00:59:47.768 --> 00:59:49.478 Okay? 00:59:49.562 --> 00:59:52.648 And call me when you miss me, and I'll call you. 00:59:53.983 --> 00:59:56.319 Do you know how much I love you? 01:00:03.367 --> 01:00:07.496 If you could take all the words in the language, 01:00:07.580 --> 01:00:10.666 it still wouldn't describe how much I love you. 01:00:10.750 --> 01:00:13.878 And if you could gather all those words together, 01:00:13.961 --> 01:00:16.714 it still wouldn't describe what I feel for you. 01:00:16.797 --> 01:00:19.675 What I feel for you is everything. 01:00:21.552 --> 01:00:23.554 I love you more than everything. 01:00:26.098 --> 01:00:28.434 Everything? 01:00:28.517 --> 01:00:30.061 Yeah, everything. 01:01:02.260 --> 01:01:04.262 Hey. 01:01:04.345 --> 01:01:06.514 That's my mom. 01:01:06.597 --> 01:01:09.642 I'm really glad you came to L.A. 01:01:09.725 --> 01:01:11.352 You know that, right? 01:01:18.526 --> 01:01:20.212 You just don't know what it is to be... 01:01:20.236 --> 01:01:23.114 - Please don't do this, Mom. - Okay. 01:01:23.197 --> 01:01:25.032 I'm sorry. Okay. 01:01:30.288 --> 01:01:32.873 All I could think about was you. 01:01:37.962 --> 01:01:41.215 I know this must sound meaningless, but I'm sorry. 01:01:44.802 --> 01:01:46.971 I'm-I'm sorry. 01:01:48.514 --> 01:01:50.057 Oh, Nicky. 01:01:55.896 --> 01:01:58.357 You are such a darling. 01:01:58.441 --> 01:02:00.318 You know that, right? 01:02:04.780 --> 01:02:06.824 Whew. 01:02:21.005 --> 01:02:22.882 Hey, come on, old! 01:02:22.965 --> 01:02:25.193 - You're being so disrespectful. - I'm not being disrespectful. 01:02:25.217 --> 01:02:27.428 You're being so disrespectful. 01:02:29.555 --> 01:02:31.116 - I'm coming for you! - Oh, motherfucker! 01:02:31.140 --> 01:02:34.018 Uh-huh. You about to look at my ass, baby! 01:02:34.101 --> 01:02:36.312 - You about to look at my ass! 01:02:45.112 --> 01:02:46.697 Fuck. 01:03:09.887 --> 01:03:11.222 That's what I get for helping. 01:03:11.305 --> 01:03:13.099 Why'd you pull that hard? 01:03:13.182 --> 01:03:15.476 - I'm sorry. - Why do you hate me? 01:03:31.242 --> 01:03:33.160 How does this feel? 01:03:37.540 --> 01:03:40.709 Like I'm a real human being. 01:03:48.759 --> 01:03:52.263 One day, I tried methamphetamine... 01:03:52.346 --> 01:03:54.723 Yeah. That felt good. 01:03:54.807 --> 01:03:57.226 ...and I thought, 01:03:57.309 --> 01:03:59.687 "This is what's been missing." 01:03:59.770 --> 01:04:02.314 I felt complete. 01:04:02.398 --> 01:04:04.400 Today's a good day. 01:04:04.483 --> 01:04:07.278 Yeah, I've been chasing that high 01:04:07.361 --> 01:04:09.280 ever since. 01:04:09.363 --> 01:04:11.282 No matter... 01:04:11.365 --> 01:04:13.284 how much meth... 01:04:13.367 --> 01:04:17.246 Or whatever else I can find to shoot up into my body... 01:04:17.329 --> 01:04:19.748 I do, it's never enough. 01:04:23.335 --> 01:04:26.714 And I went to a couple of rehabs, 01:04:26.797 --> 01:04:28.299 I detoxed, 01:04:28.382 --> 01:04:31.093 they would talk about disease, sure, 01:04:31.177 --> 01:04:32.720 but... 01:04:32.803 --> 01:04:34.388 it never clicked. 01:04:37.349 --> 01:04:41.479 Until one day I woke up in a hospital 01:04:41.562 --> 01:04:44.815 and someone asked me, 01:04:44.899 --> 01:04:47.234 "What's your problem?" 01:04:50.154 --> 01:04:53.324 And I said, "I'm an alcoholic and an addict." 01:04:53.407 --> 01:04:55.159 And he said... 01:04:55.242 --> 01:04:58.370 "No, that's how you've been treating your problem." 01:04:58.454 --> 01:05:00.372 Mm-hmm. - That's right. 01:05:00.456 --> 01:05:03.834 I know now I need to find a way 01:05:03.918 --> 01:05:07.129 to fill this... 01:05:07.213 --> 01:05:09.256 big... 01:05:09.340 --> 01:05:11.509 black hole in me. 01:05:15.888 --> 01:05:17.556 Anyway, so... 01:05:17.640 --> 01:05:20.726 - I'm 14 months clean. 01:05:20.809 --> 01:05:22.937 I have a job at a rehab. 01:05:24.480 --> 01:05:26.774 It's fulfilling to help other people get sober. 01:05:29.318 --> 01:05:32.446 I have a sponsor, Spencer. 01:05:32.530 --> 01:05:35.282 Shows me how great my life can be sober. 01:05:36.784 --> 01:05:39.119 And, um, I still have family. 01:05:41.163 --> 01:05:43.958 My mom's been amazing. 01:05:44.041 --> 01:05:46.794 My dad's been amazing, too. 01:05:52.716 --> 01:05:54.969 I want them to be proud of me. 01:06:34.300 --> 01:06:36.927 You all right? 01:06:37.011 --> 01:06:39.096 What's wrong? You nervous? 01:06:39.179 --> 01:06:40.389 Yeah. 01:06:47.062 --> 01:06:49.231 Thank you for marrying me. 01:06:50.691 --> 01:06:52.651 Thank you for being a perfect partner 01:06:52.735 --> 01:06:54.695 in an imperfect world. 01:06:56.488 --> 01:06:59.199 Thank you for introducing me to your amazing son. 01:07:01.368 --> 01:07:03.287 Uh, I'm here for you, 01:07:03.370 --> 01:07:04.622 and I'm here to stay. 01:07:04.705 --> 01:07:06.707 Karen, thank you... 01:07:06.790 --> 01:07:08.751 for loving me. 01:07:10.127 --> 01:07:11.795 And thank you for loving him. 01:07:21.889 --> 01:07:24.308 Looks him square in the eye, and he says, "Superman..." 01:07:27.853 --> 01:07:29.313 Perfect. 01:07:49.291 --> 01:07:51.210 - Hey, good to see you. - Good to see you. 01:07:51.293 --> 01:07:53.671 Hey, Daisy. Hey, Daisy! 01:07:57.049 --> 01:07:58.759 Hey, Jazzy Jeff. 01:07:58.842 --> 01:08:00.803 What's going on? 01:08:00.886 --> 01:08:02.388 Hey, I miss you more 01:08:02.471 --> 01:08:05.349 than the sun misses the moon at night. 01:08:05.432 --> 01:08:07.351 Mm. 01:08:09.019 --> 01:08:10.729 - Hey, Karen. - Hey. 01:08:16.110 --> 01:08:18.195 Thank you for inviting me. 01:08:18.278 --> 01:08:19.822 Seriously. 01:08:49.935 --> 01:08:52.062 Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! 01:08:52.146 --> 01:08:53.564 Go, Daisy! 01:08:53.647 --> 01:08:55.149 Hey, honey. 01:08:58.902 --> 01:09:00.738 Go, Daisy, go! 01:09:10.456 --> 01:09:12.750 Nice. 01:09:15.502 --> 01:09:18.130 Oh! Ah, you! 01:09:18.213 --> 01:09:19.965 It's Daisy! 01:09:22.718 --> 01:09:24.261 Whoa! 01:09:32.519 --> 01:09:34.438 "If the marker is depleted 01:09:34.521 --> 01:09:36.398 "in meth addicts' brains, 01:09:36.482 --> 01:09:39.109 "it's likely there is a loss of nerve terminals 01:09:39.193 --> 01:09:41.653 "and the brain damage is irreversible. 01:09:41.737 --> 01:09:44.156 "However, when I tested for VMAT2, 01:09:44.239 --> 01:09:47.201 - I found normal levels." - So that's optimistic. 01:09:47.284 --> 01:09:49.161 - Normal levels is optimistic, yeah. 01:09:49.244 --> 01:09:50.871 - It's... 01:09:50.954 --> 01:09:51.997 - It is. - Okay. 01:09:52.080 --> 01:09:53.558 - No. I'm not... - I was just checking. 01:09:53.582 --> 01:09:54.249 - No, no, that's good. - Okay. 01:09:54.333 --> 01:09:55.501 Basically... 01:09:55.584 --> 01:09:56.877 the fried... 01:09:56.960 --> 01:09:58.962 Nic's fried nerve endings 01:09:59.046 --> 01:10:01.423 can grow back. 01:10:01.507 --> 01:10:03.634 They say it can take two years, but... 01:10:03.717 --> 01:10:05.844 - Two years? - Yeah. 01:10:05.928 --> 01:10:08.388 But that's great, David. 01:10:17.981 --> 01:10:20.609 - Hey. - Hey. 01:10:20.692 --> 01:10:23.737 - You're kind of late. - Yeah. It was a great meeting, 01:10:23.821 --> 01:10:25.948 and after, we went to the speaker's house 01:10:26.031 --> 01:10:27.908 and watched a video and... 01:10:27.991 --> 01:10:31.912 saw my sober sponsee bros earlier, so... 01:10:31.995 --> 01:10:33.956 No phone? 01:10:34.039 --> 01:10:35.958 Oh, my cell was dead. 01:10:38.877 --> 01:10:42.047 Would you be okay to do a drug test? 01:10:43.173 --> 01:10:45.342 Yeah, I mean, sure. 01:10:45.425 --> 01:10:46.885 Okay. 01:11:04.319 --> 01:11:06.864 You understand why, right? 01:11:06.947 --> 01:11:11.243 Yeah. I mean, I should've called to let you know, so... 01:11:11.326 --> 01:11:15.122 I trust you... we just need to have some sort of proof. 01:11:18.959 --> 01:11:21.503 That's about as contradictory as it gets. 01:11:21.587 --> 01:11:23.797 - But... - I know. I know. 01:11:25.966 --> 01:11:28.135 I'll do it. No worries. 01:11:28.218 --> 01:11:30.470 Nothing to hide. 01:11:31.597 --> 01:11:32.973 Okay. 01:11:35.309 --> 01:11:37.811 Hey, you're doing great. 01:11:39.354 --> 01:11:41.148 You really are. 01:11:41.231 --> 01:11:44.151 By my count, 485 days clean. 01:11:44.234 --> 01:11:46.278 Wow. Come on, that's... 01:11:50.282 --> 01:11:52.993 I'll just leave it in the bathroom, right? Okay. 01:11:54.119 --> 01:11:55.621 All right. 01:11:55.704 --> 01:11:57.623 - Good night, Dad. - Good night. 01:11:57.706 --> 01:11:59.708 - I love you. - I love you, too. 01:12:31.156 --> 01:12:33.075 All right, Jasper, you ready? 01:12:33.158 --> 01:12:35.243 - Yep. Let's go, let's go, let's go. 01:12:35.327 --> 01:12:37.454 Hey. No, no, no, wait. 01:12:37.537 --> 01:12:40.582 - Jasper, I don't want you to go out there. 01:12:40.666 --> 01:12:42.376 - What? Mom, we won't go far, I swear! 01:12:42.459 --> 01:12:44.312 The waves are too big. It's too dangerous. 01:12:44.336 --> 01:12:45.416 - But I am a great swimmer. 01:12:45.462 --> 01:12:46.773 I've been in waves way bigger than this. 01:12:46.797 --> 01:12:49.383 Yes, I know that, but I don't want you to... 01:12:49.466 --> 01:12:50.944 - Yeah, I'll stay close. - Nic will stay close, 01:12:50.968 --> 01:12:52.844 you see? 01:12:52.928 --> 01:12:54.513 Karen, I'm gonna stay... 01:12:54.596 --> 01:12:56.473 - I'll stay close. - Nic can go in. 01:12:56.556 --> 01:12:57.641 That's fine. You, no. 01:12:57.724 --> 01:12:59.601 And that is final. 01:12:59.685 --> 01:13:01.061 We'll see about that. 01:13:01.144 --> 01:13:03.772 - Hey! - Okay. It's fine. 01:13:03.855 --> 01:13:06.066 It's fine. 01:13:14.992 --> 01:13:16.910 Should we just play a game instead? 01:13:16.994 --> 01:13:19.121 - Uh... - Yeah? 01:13:21.623 --> 01:13:23.834 Are you a hurfboard? 01:13:23.917 --> 01:13:26.253 - No. - No? 01:13:26.336 --> 01:13:28.255 Are you a hicycle? 01:13:28.338 --> 01:13:30.090 - No. - No? 01:13:30.173 --> 01:13:32.801 Okay. Uh, are you edible? 01:13:32.884 --> 01:13:34.177 Not really. 01:13:34.261 --> 01:13:36.263 - Not really? - Not really. 01:13:36.346 --> 01:13:37.806 So, sort of. 01:13:37.889 --> 01:13:40.434 So, um... 01:13:40.517 --> 01:13:41.852 are you a house? 01:13:41.935 --> 01:13:45.439 - Yes. How did you know? 01:13:45.522 --> 01:13:47.232 You know, 01:13:47.315 --> 01:13:49.860 I can read your mind. 01:13:49.943 --> 01:13:52.529 - Ooh... - Ooh... 01:13:53.947 --> 01:13:55.365 I know you're a great swimmer. 01:13:55.449 --> 01:13:57.176 I'm gonna be there to cheer for you at your next swim meet. 01:13:57.200 --> 01:13:58.035 How does that sound? 01:13:58.118 --> 01:13:59.661 Yeah? 01:13:59.745 --> 01:14:02.414 Okay. 01:14:02.497 --> 01:14:04.750 Hey, is it weird to see me after all this time? 01:14:04.833 --> 01:14:05.834 Or no? 01:14:05.917 --> 01:14:08.253 - I guess it was, at first. - Okay 01:14:08.336 --> 01:14:10.547 - I thought you might be different. 01:14:10.630 --> 01:14:13.175 But you're just the same old Nic. 01:14:29.649 --> 01:14:31.985 All right. Thanks. 01:14:36.073 --> 01:14:39.201 - That was a great weekend. - Mm-hmm. 01:14:39.284 --> 01:14:41.912 Bye, Nic! 01:15:32.379 --> 01:15:35.173 - Go, Nic! 01:16:02.576 --> 01:16:05.120 Bye, Nic! Bye, Nic! 01:16:05.203 --> 01:16:07.330 Bye, Nic! 01:16:29.895 --> 01:16:32.439 One day at a time, Man. 01:16:32.522 --> 01:16:33.791 Congratulations. Welcome to the real world. 01:16:33.815 --> 01:16:35.710 Oh, I don't want to live in the real world. 01:16:35.734 --> 01:16:37.277 I'm so sick of living in it. 01:16:37.360 --> 01:16:38.838 - That's your disease talking to you, Man. 01:16:38.862 --> 01:16:40.423 - Oh, I'm trying. - By trying to isolate you. 01:16:40.447 --> 01:16:41.967 Trying to kill you. You know this, Man. 01:16:42.032 --> 01:16:43.783 I don't feel like I have a disease, Spencer. 01:16:43.867 --> 01:16:45.660 I feel like... 01:16:45.744 --> 01:16:48.705 - Well, you got to. - This isn't like fucking cancer. 01:16:48.788 --> 01:16:52.042 This is my fucking choice. I put myself here. 01:16:52.125 --> 01:16:53.765 Yeah, you did. You did put yourself there. 01:16:53.793 --> 01:16:55.462 Are you gonna let me talk or what? 01:16:55.545 --> 01:16:58.465 Okay? Like, you're a writer, right? So write. 01:16:58.548 --> 01:17:00.800 You're good at it. This is your day. This is a choice. 01:17:00.884 --> 01:17:02.612 - What do you want to do now? - Fucking... 01:17:02.636 --> 01:17:04.363 Once you get high, you lose all your choices. 01:17:04.387 --> 01:17:06.115 - If you get high, you lose everything. - Right. 01:17:06.139 --> 01:17:08.892 All right, so you got to keep choosing the right way. 01:17:11.561 --> 01:17:13.480 - Right. - That's right. 01:17:13.563 --> 01:17:15.315 You choose the right way. 01:17:15.398 --> 01:17:16.816 Right. All right, hey, listen, 01:17:16.900 --> 01:17:18.419 I'm gonna give you a call later, all right? 01:17:18.443 --> 01:17:19.879 Uh, I-I feel like I'm gonna do all right. 01:17:19.903 --> 01:17:21.196 You blowing me off now? 01:17:21.279 --> 01:17:22.822 You gonna call me and waste my time? 01:17:22.906 --> 01:17:24.616 Don't waste my time. I'm here for you, Man. 01:17:24.699 --> 01:17:26.260 You know what, look, I'm having some steaks tonight. 01:17:26.284 --> 01:17:27.428 Why don't you come over for dinner. 01:17:27.452 --> 01:17:28.638 - All right, I'll see you then. - You... 01:17:28.662 --> 01:17:30.056 That sounds great. I'll see you then. 01:17:30.080 --> 01:17:31.515 - Yo, Nic, Nic. - Yes, sir. I'll see you then. 01:17:31.539 --> 01:17:33.583 - Nic... - All right, bye-bye. 01:18:31.224 --> 01:18:33.226 Nic Sheff. 01:18:33.310 --> 01:18:35.228 Lauren. What? 01:18:35.312 --> 01:18:37.480 What are you... 01:18:39.399 --> 01:18:41.067 Wow, it's been a long time. 01:18:41.151 --> 01:18:42.527 What-what are you doing here? 01:18:42.610 --> 01:18:45.155 Just, uh... 01:18:47.073 --> 01:18:49.284 What? 01:18:52.495 --> 01:18:54.080 I've been sober for a while, 01:18:54.164 --> 01:18:57.083 but I'm seriously looking to party right now. 01:19:20.482 --> 01:19:23.109 I got what you need. We have E, we have pills, Man. 01:19:23.193 --> 01:19:25.236 We have E. I told you, I told you. 01:19:33.244 --> 01:19:35.955 Can you get me a cup of water and a spoon? 01:19:36.039 --> 01:19:37.374 Mm-hmm. 01:19:37.457 --> 01:19:39.751 All right. 01:19:56.184 --> 01:19:58.520 - Mm-hmm. - All right. 01:19:58.603 --> 01:20:01.147 - Here you go. - Thank you. 01:20:02.232 --> 01:20:04.359 Cotton and a spoon. 01:20:27.173 --> 01:20:29.926 Mmm. 01:20:40.687 --> 01:20:42.856 All right, that's it. 01:20:42.939 --> 01:20:44.858 That's it. 01:20:54.617 --> 01:20:56.536 Wow. 01:23:15.925 --> 01:23:17.969 Your call has been forwarded 01:23:18.052 --> 01:23:19.971 to an automated voice messaging system. 01:23:20.054 --> 01:23:21.848 At the tone, please record your message. 01:23:23.266 --> 01:23:24.601 It's Dad again. 01:23:24.684 --> 01:23:26.853 I feel like you might have been a little down 01:23:26.936 --> 01:23:29.772 when you left, Nic, so I'm here to talk if you need to. 01:23:29.856 --> 01:23:32.442 All right. 01:23:44.537 --> 01:23:46.956 So you have no idea where he is? 01:23:47.040 --> 01:23:49.500 Uh, Spencer told me he heard from him. 01:23:49.584 --> 01:23:52.462 He was having a difficult time, but he was pulling through. 01:23:52.545 --> 01:23:56.257 But, yeah, he's not at work, he's not at home. 01:23:56.341 --> 01:23:58.635 - He's unreachable on his cell. - Damn it. Damn it. Vicki, 01:23:58.718 --> 01:24:01.638 he left here two days ago. Why didn't you check on him? 01:24:01.721 --> 01:24:04.015 You're supposed to be taking care of this kid, right? 01:24:04.098 --> 01:24:05.642 What the fuck, David? 01:24:05.725 --> 01:24:07.935 Who's been taking care of him the last year? 01:24:08.019 --> 01:24:09.562 Well, you could've checked on him. 01:24:09.646 --> 01:24:11.314 I mean, what the fuck is your problem? 01:24:11.397 --> 01:24:13.816 What do you think I do all day? 01:24:13.900 --> 01:24:17.278 Besides, we can't run surveillance on him 24/7. 01:24:17.362 --> 01:24:20.239 I think you need to go to the police right now 01:24:20.323 --> 01:24:22.283 and file a missing persons report, okay? 01:24:22.367 --> 01:24:24.243 - Stop yelling at me! - No, I'm not gonna stop 01:24:24.327 --> 01:24:26.496 - yelling at you, Vicki. - I hate it when you do that. 01:24:26.579 --> 01:24:28.015 - Because you're just... - You're totally crazy. 01:24:28.039 --> 01:24:29.332 What are you even doing there?! 01:24:29.415 --> 01:24:31.295 - Fucking unfair, David! - No, no! Listen to me! 01:24:31.334 --> 01:24:33.252 What are... 01:24:34.337 --> 01:24:36.589 Damn. 01:24:36.673 --> 01:24:39.092 Fuck! 01:24:45.723 --> 01:24:47.392 Dave? 01:24:47.475 --> 01:24:50.144 Could you call my phone, please? 01:24:53.189 --> 01:24:55.024 What's going on? 01:24:55.108 --> 01:24:56.901 He's gone. 01:24:58.361 --> 01:25:01.364 How do we even know he's in L.A.? 01:25:01.447 --> 01:25:03.991 I mean, he could be in San Francisco. He could be... 01:25:04.075 --> 01:25:06.452 he could be in fucking Mexico, for all we know. 01:25:06.536 --> 01:25:07.995 I need to go. 01:25:08.079 --> 01:25:10.707 Yeah, but I need you to stay. 01:25:10.790 --> 01:25:12.583 Well, Vicki can't handle it like I... 01:25:12.667 --> 01:25:14.919 I don't care about Vicki. This isn't about Vicki. 01:25:15.002 --> 01:25:18.589 Okay, why don't you just relax and try to be reasonable. 01:25:18.673 --> 01:25:20.842 - What? You be reasonable. - I am being reasonable. 01:25:20.925 --> 01:25:21.925 Is this reasonable?! 01:25:21.968 --> 01:25:24.470 No! It's not! 01:25:24.554 --> 01:25:25.888 How can I be?! 01:25:25.972 --> 01:25:27.515 My son is out there somewhere, 01:25:27.598 --> 01:25:29.183 and I don't know what he's doing! 01:25:29.267 --> 01:25:30.727 I don't know how to help him! 01:25:30.810 --> 01:25:33.229 You can't! 01:25:43.823 --> 01:25:45.491 I can't sleep. 01:25:49.620 --> 01:25:50.496 You can't sleep? 01:25:50.580 --> 01:25:52.039 I can't sleep. 01:25:52.123 --> 01:25:53.291 Okay. 01:25:57.503 --> 01:25:59.422 Good night, Daddy. 01:26:00.506 --> 01:26:02.008 Good night. 01:26:39.462 --> 01:26:41.130 Let go! 01:26:41.214 --> 01:26:42.799 Airplane flying! 01:26:44.467 --> 01:26:47.845 Airplane! 01:26:47.929 --> 01:26:49.847 Fly away! Fly! 01:26:51.682 --> 01:26:55.311 Airplane! Push! 01:27:57.957 --> 01:27:59.309 No. Uh-uh. Come on, not you. Come on. 01:27:59.333 --> 01:28:00.585 Hold on. 01:28:00.668 --> 01:28:01.937 - Get back in. Guys, come on. - Hold on. Hold on, honey. 01:28:01.961 --> 01:28:03.004 - Wait. - Good dog. 01:28:03.087 --> 01:28:04.839 What's up? 01:28:04.922 --> 01:28:08.134 I thought Nic was gonna be here today. 01:28:08.217 --> 01:28:10.428 Uh, no. Something came up. 01:28:11.512 --> 01:28:13.598 Can I call him? 01:28:13.681 --> 01:28:15.600 No, no. You can't. 01:28:15.683 --> 01:28:17.184 It's not gonna be possible. 01:28:17.268 --> 01:28:18.269 Why not? 01:28:18.352 --> 01:28:20.271 Because it's not. 01:28:20.354 --> 01:28:23.107 Is Nic back on drugs again? 01:28:27.278 --> 01:28:29.947 We don't know, honey. 01:30:06.168 --> 01:30:08.004 All right. 01:31:48.229 --> 01:31:50.523 Come on, Jasper! Whup. 01:32:03.285 --> 01:32:05.204 Yup. 01:32:28.769 --> 01:32:29.812 You got it? 01:32:29.895 --> 01:32:31.897 Oh, fuck. Okay. Hey, Lauren. 01:32:33.190 --> 01:32:34.900 - Lauren, let's go. - What? 01:32:34.984 --> 01:32:36.527 We got to go. 01:32:38.237 --> 01:32:40.072 - What's going on? - Here. 01:32:40.156 --> 01:32:42.783 We got to go. 01:32:42.867 --> 01:32:44.785 Fine. 01:32:59.133 --> 01:33:01.677 I think I just saw Nic. 01:33:01.760 --> 01:33:03.470 What? 01:33:03.554 --> 01:33:06.640 I think I just saw Nic and a girl running away. 01:33:13.439 --> 01:33:14.899 Nic. 01:33:14.982 --> 01:33:16.442 Uh, no. Stay inside. 01:33:16.525 --> 01:33:18.277 - Okay. - No. 01:33:18.360 --> 01:33:22.156 All right, no. Stay inside! I am not kidding, all right? 01:33:22.239 --> 01:33:23.908 Stay there. 01:33:27.119 --> 01:33:29.038 - Okay. 01:33:29.121 --> 01:33:31.665 Shit. Never again. 01:33:31.749 --> 01:33:33.959 - It's okay. Hey. - What do we do? What do we do? 01:33:34.043 --> 01:33:35.419 It's all right. 01:33:40.424 --> 01:33:42.551 That was so terrible. 01:33:42.635 --> 01:33:45.763 Oh, fuck! 01:33:50.226 --> 01:33:52.561 Nic? Nic? Nic! 01:33:54.355 --> 01:33:55.648 Oh... 01:34:06.992 --> 01:34:08.911 Oh. No. No. No. 01:35:25.029 --> 01:35:27.740 Come on! 01:35:55.225 --> 01:35:58.395 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 01:36:22.503 --> 01:36:24.213 Okay. Okay. 01:36:26.465 --> 01:36:29.009 911. What is your emergency? 01:36:29.093 --> 01:36:31.053 Yeah. Hi. Uh, I got a f... I'm-I'm with a friend. 01:36:31.136 --> 01:36:32.388 She just O.D.'d, and, uh, 01:36:32.471 --> 01:36:34.014 I need an ambulance, I need some help. 01:36:34.098 --> 01:36:35.432 Sir, do you know CPR? 01:36:35.516 --> 01:36:37.035 Yeah, I'm doing it right now. I just... 01:36:37.059 --> 01:36:39.139 Uh, we... You-you guys, you got to send an ambulance, 01:36:39.186 --> 01:36:41.355 - too, all right? - What is your location? 01:36:41.438 --> 01:36:43.399 Yeah, I don't know. 01:36:43.482 --> 01:36:45.085 Y-You-you guys are gonna have to trace the call. 01:36:45.109 --> 01:36:46.819 Hello? 01:36:46.902 --> 01:36:50.239 Hello? Sir, are you still there? 01:36:50.322 --> 01:36:52.574 Sir? 01:36:55.494 --> 01:36:57.037 Sir? Sir? 01:37:05.963 --> 01:37:08.882 - Look up. 01:37:08.966 --> 01:37:10.592 Honey, look up for me. 01:37:12.219 --> 01:37:15.514 Can you look up this way over here? 01:37:15.597 --> 01:37:17.599 Hey, look, we're gonna need to take you to the ER. 01:37:17.683 --> 01:37:19.101 I-I don't... I don't want to. I-I... 01:37:19.184 --> 01:37:20.745 - We need to take you to the ER. - I'm fine. 01:37:20.769 --> 01:37:22.247 She doesn't want to go to the ER. She's... 01:37:22.271 --> 01:37:23.748 She's... No, she's not okay. We need to take her 01:37:23.772 --> 01:37:25.166 - to the ER. - But she doesn't want to go. 01:37:25.190 --> 01:37:26.817 No, sir, she needs to go! 01:37:26.900 --> 01:37:28.527 Okay? 01:37:28.610 --> 01:37:31.071 You have a problem with that, I can inform the police. 01:37:31.155 --> 01:37:32.781 Goddamn it. 01:37:32.865 --> 01:37:36.285 You're gonna come and meet me, right? 01:37:36.368 --> 01:37:37.744 - Yes. Yes! - You promise? 01:37:37.828 --> 01:37:40.205 I love you. 01:37:40.289 --> 01:37:42.666 - I love you, too. 01:37:42.749 --> 01:37:44.293 You promise you're gonna meet me? 01:37:44.376 --> 01:37:45.770 - Yes, Lauren. I'll come fucking meet you. 01:37:45.794 --> 01:37:46.670 What do you want from me? 01:37:46.753 --> 01:37:49.715 - Okay, okay. - Jesus fucking Christ. 01:38:16.116 --> 01:38:18.452 David Sheff. 01:38:18.535 --> 01:38:20.245 Hey, Dad. It's me. 01:38:22.956 --> 01:38:25.417 - Nic? - Yeah. 01:38:33.884 --> 01:38:35.844 Please don't hate me, Dad. 01:38:37.471 --> 01:38:39.389 I know I did wrong. 01:38:41.183 --> 01:38:43.185 I want to stop, but please, please, please, 01:38:43.268 --> 01:38:45.062 please, please, please no rehab, all right? 01:38:45.145 --> 01:38:47.898 Just let me come home. You know what? 01:38:47.981 --> 01:38:51.735 I realize it's actually I... I-I need to be home. 01:38:51.818 --> 01:38:56.532 You guys, you guys are gonna give me the strength to stop. 01:38:56.615 --> 01:38:58.575 All right? 01:39:01.495 --> 01:39:03.413 That's not going to happen. 01:39:12.756 --> 01:39:15.801 I wish that I could help you, 01:39:15.884 --> 01:39:17.803 but I can't do that. 01:39:17.886 --> 01:39:19.596 I c... I can't. 01:39:19.680 --> 01:39:21.682 Oh, please help me, Dad. 01:39:23.225 --> 01:39:25.394 No, Dad. I just need a little bit 01:39:25.477 --> 01:39:27.437 of help. 01:39:27.521 --> 01:39:29.565 Please help me. I want to come home. 01:39:29.648 --> 01:39:32.317 All I can tell you is what you already know. 01:39:32.401 --> 01:39:35.070 - Dad, why aren't you fucking listening to me? 01:39:35.153 --> 01:39:36.780 - Call your sponsor. 01:39:36.863 --> 01:39:38.383 - I don't want to talk to my sponsor now. 01:39:38.407 --> 01:39:40.409 - I want to talk toy you. - Get help. 01:39:40.492 --> 01:39:42.744 - I love you. - Dad, what... 01:39:42.828 --> 01:39:45.163 - And I hope that you get your life together. 01:39:45.247 --> 01:39:46.748 - I love you, too. 01:39:46.832 --> 01:39:49.293 I love you. 01:42:17.232 --> 01:42:18.608 Hello. 01:42:18.692 --> 01:42:21.153 - Nicolas called. 01:42:21.236 --> 01:42:22.738 He sounds desperate. 01:42:22.821 --> 01:42:24.656 Gonna die if we don't do anything. 01:42:24.740 --> 01:42:26.700 Well... 01:42:26.783 --> 01:42:29.661 he's gonna die even if we do. 01:42:29.745 --> 01:42:32.372 Nothing we do has any effect on him. 01:42:39.337 --> 01:42:41.047 I failed. 01:42:41.131 --> 01:42:42.525 I know you feel ashamed, okay? 01:42:42.549 --> 01:42:45.051 So do I. 01:42:45.135 --> 01:42:47.387 But you have done great, David. 01:42:47.471 --> 01:42:50.348 And Karen, too, so thank you for that. 01:42:50.432 --> 01:42:52.267 You were up for it when I wasn't, 01:42:52.350 --> 01:42:54.144 and I'm not giving up now. 01:42:55.270 --> 01:42:57.022 Never. 01:42:58.732 --> 01:43:01.443 But I can't do it alone. 01:43:04.529 --> 01:43:07.240 I need your help. 01:43:09.493 --> 01:43:12.454 I don't think you can save people, Vicki. 01:43:14.414 --> 01:43:17.709 You can be there for them, can't you? 01:43:21.630 --> 01:43:23.715 Look at this. 01:43:28.887 --> 01:43:30.806 I'm done. 01:43:30.889 --> 01:43:33.058 - Oh. - Okay? I... 01:43:33.141 --> 01:43:36.061 Okay. 01:44:09.719 --> 01:44:11.680 Hey, everybody. 01:44:11.763 --> 01:44:14.432 Time to get together. 01:44:24.943 --> 01:44:30.991 I... I had a rough week. 01:44:33.493 --> 01:44:35.203 Some of you know, some of you don't. 01:44:35.287 --> 01:44:36.872 I, um... 01:44:36.955 --> 01:44:38.999 I lost my Frances this week. 01:44:39.082 --> 01:44:42.168 She died of an overdose on Sunday. 01:44:42.252 --> 01:44:44.296 So... 01:44:44.379 --> 01:44:48.300 I guess I'm in mourning, but I-I... 01:44:48.383 --> 01:44:50.719 I realized something else. 01:44:50.802 --> 01:44:54.764 I've actually been in mourning for years. 01:44:56.933 --> 01:44:59.144 'Cause even when she was alive, she... 01:44:59.227 --> 01:45:01.688 she wasn't there. 01:45:01.771 --> 01:45:05.984 When you mourn the living, 01:45:06.067 --> 01:45:08.862 that's a hard way to live. 01:45:10.906 --> 01:45:13.366 And so, in... 01:45:13.450 --> 01:45:15.619 in a way, it's-it's... 01:45:15.702 --> 01:45:17.704 it's better, I guess. 01:45:21.958 --> 01:45:27.464 She was a dear, dear young woman. 01:45:29.507 --> 01:45:31.593 I always felt... 01:45:31.676 --> 01:45:34.262 I needed to... to stay strong, 01:45:34.346 --> 01:45:37.682 that there'd be some future event, 01:45:37.766 --> 01:45:40.310 and I'd... I'd need all my strength for it. 01:45:43.980 --> 01:45:46.441 But there are no events after this one. 01:45:46.524 --> 01:45:49.986 I hope she's not in pain now. 01:45:56.701 --> 01:45:58.620 Bye, Frances. 01:47:55.737 --> 01:47:57.906 Hey. 01:47:57.989 --> 01:48:00.158 Hi. 01:48:09.501 --> 01:48:10.960 How's he doing? 01:48:11.044 --> 01:48:13.213 The doctor's with him now. 01:48:14.881 --> 01:48:16.633 He said it's close to a miracle 01:48:16.716 --> 01:48:19.594 Nic survived with all the drugs in his body. 01:55:19.597 --> 01:55:21.390 Either peace or happiness, 01:55:21.474 --> 01:55:23.267 let it enfold you. 01:55:23.351 --> 01:55:26.270 When I was a young man, I felt that these things 01:55:26.354 --> 01:55:28.773 were dumb, unsophisticated. 01:55:28.856 --> 01:55:31.025 I had bad blood, a twisted mind, 01:55:31.108 --> 01:55:33.152 a precarious upbringing. 01:55:33.236 --> 01:55:34.820 I was hard as granite. 01:55:34.904 --> 01:55:36.739 I leered at the sun. 01:55:36.822 --> 01:55:40.159 I trusted no man and especially no woman. 01:55:40.243 --> 01:55:42.537 I was living a hell in small rooms. 01:55:42.620 --> 01:55:44.288 I broke things, smashed things, 01:55:44.372 --> 01:55:46.916 walked through glass, cursed. 01:55:46.999 --> 01:55:48.543 I challenged everything, 01:55:48.626 --> 01:55:50.795 was continually being evicted, jailed, 01:55:50.878 --> 01:55:53.089 in and out of fights, in and out of my mind. 01:55:53.172 --> 01:55:56.008 Women were something to screw and rail at. 01:55:56.092 --> 01:55:58.135 I had no male friends. 01:55:58.219 --> 01:56:00.263 I changed jobs and cities. 01:56:00.346 --> 01:56:02.974 I hated holidays, babies, history, 01:56:03.057 --> 01:56:05.560 newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 01:56:05.643 --> 01:56:08.688 marriage, movies, spiders, garbagemen, 01:56:08.771 --> 01:56:12.567 English accents, Spain, France, Italy, 01:56:12.650 --> 01:56:15.319 walnuts and the color orange. 01:56:15.403 --> 01:56:17.196 Algebra angered me. 01:56:17.280 --> 01:56:19.115 Opera sickened me. 01:56:19.198 --> 01:56:21.200 Charlie Chaplin was a fake. 01:56:21.284 --> 01:56:23.327 And flowers were for pansies. 01:56:23.411 --> 01:56:26.789 Peace and happiness were to me signs of inferiority, 01:56:26.872 --> 01:56:29.584 tenants of the weak and addled mind. 01:56:29.667 --> 01:56:32.211 But as I went on with my alley fights, 01:56:32.295 --> 01:56:33.629 my suicidal years, 01:56:33.713 --> 01:56:35.631 my passage through any number of women, 01:56:35.715 --> 01:56:39.260 it gradually began to occur to me that I wasn't different 01:56:39.343 --> 01:56:41.345 from the others, I was the same. 01:56:41.429 --> 01:56:43.306 They were all fulsome with hatred, 01:56:43.389 --> 01:56:45.725 glossed over with petty grievances. 01:56:45.808 --> 01:56:48.352 The men I fought in alleys had hearts of stone. 01:56:48.436 --> 01:56:50.313 Everybody was nudging, inching, 01:56:50.396 --> 01:56:53.232 cheating for some insignificant advantage. 01:56:53.316 --> 01:56:56.402 The lie was the weapon, and the plot was empty. 01:56:56.485 --> 01:56:58.696 Darkness was the dictator. 01:56:58.779 --> 01:57:02.074 Cautiously, I allowed myself to feel good at times. 01:57:02.158 --> 01:57:04.035 I found moments of peace in cheap rooms 01:57:04.118 --> 01:57:07.079 just staring at the knobs of some dresser 01:57:07.163 --> 01:57:09.415 or listening to the rain in the dark. 01:57:09.498 --> 01:57:12.418 The less I needed, the better I felt. 01:57:12.501 --> 01:57:14.337 Maybe the other life had worn me down. 01:57:14.420 --> 01:57:16.047 I no longer found glamour 01:57:16.130 --> 01:57:18.382 in topping somebody in conversation 01:57:18.466 --> 01:57:21.677 or in mounting the body of some poor, drunken female 01:57:21.761 --> 01:57:24.221 whose life had slipped away into sorrow. 01:57:24.305 --> 01:57:26.182 I could never accept life as it was. 01:57:26.265 --> 01:57:29.018 I could never gobble down all its poisons. 01:57:29.101 --> 01:57:31.312 But there were parts, tenuous magic parts, 01:57:31.395 --> 01:57:33.314 open for the asking. 01:57:33.397 --> 01:57:34.899 I reformulated. 01:57:34.982 --> 01:57:36.942 I don't know when... date, time, all that... 01:57:37.026 --> 01:57:38.527 but the change occurred. 01:57:38.611 --> 01:57:41.906 Something in me relaxed, smoothed out. 01:57:41.989 --> 01:57:44.200 I no longer had to prove that I was a man. 01:57:44.283 --> 01:57:45.951 I didn't have to prove anything. 01:57:46.035 --> 01:57:47.536 I began to see things. 01:57:47.620 --> 01:57:50.247 Coffee cups lined up behind a counter in a cafe. 01:57:50.331 --> 01:57:52.958 Or a dog walking along a sidewalk. 01:57:53.042 --> 01:57:54.919 Or the way the mouse on my dresser top 01:57:55.002 --> 01:57:56.962 stopped there, really stopped there, 01:57:57.046 --> 01:57:59.048 with its body, its ears, its nose. 01:57:59.131 --> 01:58:02.968 It was fixed, a bit of life caught within itself, 01:58:03.052 --> 01:58:06.806 and its eyes looked at me, and they were beautiful. 01:58:06.889 --> 01:58:08.891 Then it was gone. 01:58:08.974 --> 01:58:10.768 I began to feel good. 01:58:10.851 --> 01:58:13.229 I began to feel good in the worst situations, 01:58:13.312 --> 01:58:15.022 and there were plenty of those. 01:58:15.106 --> 01:58:18.109 Like, say, the boss behind his desk. 01:58:18.192 --> 01:58:20.194 He is going to have to fire me. 01:58:20.277 --> 01:58:21.946 I've missed too many days. 01:58:22.029 --> 01:58:25.282 He's dressed in a suit, necktie, glasses. 01:58:25.366 --> 01:58:28.035 He says, 'I am going to have to let you go.' 01:58:28.119 --> 01:58:29.829 'It's all right, ' I tell him. 01:58:29.912 --> 01:58:31.247 He must do what he must do. 01:58:31.330 --> 01:58:33.207 He has a wife, a house, children, 01:58:33.290 --> 01:58:36.460 expenses, most probably a girlfriend. 01:58:36.544 --> 01:58:37.920 I'm sorry for him. 01:58:38.003 --> 01:58:39.213 He's caught. 01:58:39.296 --> 01:58:41.257 I walk out into the blazing sunshine. 01:58:41.340 --> 01:58:44.051 The whole day is mine, temporarily anyhow. 01:58:44.135 --> 01:58:46.679 The whole world is at the throat of the world. 01:58:46.762 --> 01:58:49.640 Everybody feels angry, short-changed, cheated. 01:58:49.724 --> 01:58:52.351 Everybody is despondent, disillusioned. 01:58:52.435 --> 01:58:55.521 I welcomed shots of peace, tattered shards of happiness. 01:58:55.604 --> 01:58:57.940 I embraced that stuff like the hottest number, 01:58:58.023 --> 01:59:00.860 like high heels, breasts, singing, the works. 01:59:00.943 --> 01:59:02.319 Don't get me wrong, 01:59:02.403 --> 01:59:04.155 there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism 01:59:04.238 --> 01:59:05.531 that overlooks all basic problems 01:59:05.614 --> 01:59:06.991 just for the sake of itself. 01:59:07.074 --> 01:59:09.285 This is a shield and a sickness. 01:59:09.368 --> 01:59:11.328 The knife got near my throat again. 01:59:11.412 --> 01:59:13.247 I almost turned on the gas again. 01:59:13.330 --> 01:59:15.249 But when the good moments arrived again, 01:59:15.332 --> 01:59:17.376 I didn't fight them off like an alley adversary. 01:59:17.460 --> 01:59:20.337 I let them take me. I luxuriated in them. 01:59:20.421 --> 01:59:22.214 I bade them welcome home. 01:59:22.298 --> 01:59:23.841 I even looked into the mirror once 01:59:23.924 --> 01:59:26.844 having thought myself to be ugly. 01:59:26.927 --> 01:59:28.929 I now liked what I saw. 01:59:29.013 --> 01:59:30.598 Almost handsome. 01:59:30.681 --> 01:59:32.808 Yes, a bit ripped and ragged. 01:59:32.892 --> 01:59:35.019 Scars, lumps, odd turns. 01:59:35.102 --> 01:59:37.146 But all in all, not too bad. 01:59:37.229 --> 01:59:38.898 Almost handsome. 01:59:38.981 --> 01:59:40.983 Better at least than some of those movie star faces 01:59:41.066 --> 01:59:42.818 like the cheeks of a baby's butt. 01:59:42.902 --> 01:59:44.361 And finally I discovered 01:59:44.445 --> 01:59:46.781 real feelings for others, unheralded. 01:59:46.864 --> 01:59:48.532 Like lately, like this morning, 01:59:48.616 --> 01:59:52.036 as I was leaving for the track, I saw my wife in bed, 01:59:52.119 --> 01:59:53.829 just the shape of her head there, 01:59:53.913 --> 01:59:57.500 covers pulled high, just the shape of her head there. 01:59:57.583 --> 02:00:00.002 Not forgetting centuries of the living and the dead 02:00:00.085 --> 02:00:01.587 and the dying, the pyramids, 02:00:01.670 --> 02:00:04.340 Mozart dead, but his music still there in the room, 02:00:04.423 --> 02:00:06.091 weeds growing, the Earth turning, 02:00:06.175 --> 02:00:08.260 the tote board waiting for me. 02:00:08.344 --> 02:00:10.012 I saw the shape of my wife's head, 02:00:10.095 --> 02:00:11.472 she so still. 02:00:11.555 --> 02:00:12.807 I ached for her life, 02:00:12.890 --> 02:00:14.642 just being there under the covers. 02:00:14.725 --> 02:00:16.268 I kissed her on the forehead, 02:00:16.352 --> 02:00:17.812 got down the stairway, got outside, 02:00:17.895 --> 02:00:20.523 got into my marvelous car, fixed the seat belt, 02:00:20.606 --> 02:00:21.982 backed out the drive. 02:00:22.066 --> 02:00:23.818 Feeling warm to the fingertips, 02:00:23.901 --> 02:00:26.654 down to my foot on the gas pedal, 02:00:26.737 --> 02:00:28.614 I entered the world once more, 02:00:28.697 --> 02:00:30.699 drove down the hill past the houses 02:00:30.783 --> 02:00:32.493 full and empty of people. 02:00:32.576 --> 02:00:34.954 I saw the mailman, honked. 02:00:35.037 --> 02:00:37.373 He waved back at me. 02:00:39.037 --> 02:00:56.373 جديدترين اخبار فيلم و سريال در کانال تلگرام و اینستاگرام سايت .:: @bollbolljan_com ::.