WEBVTT

00:00:42.398 --> 00:00:53.398
..:: Presented By ZarFilm Website ::..
‏.::  www.bolboljan.net ::.

00:00:55.222 --> 00:00:56.758
<i>Britain enters lockdown.</i>

00:00:56.791 --> 00:00:59.092
<i>Now people
can only leave their homes</i>

00:00:59.126 --> 00:01:00.360
<i>for very limited reasons.</i>

00:01:00.394 --> 00:01:01.529
<i>The UK wakes up</i>

00:01:01.563 --> 00:01:03.463
<i>to the toughest restrictions
on daily life</i>

00:01:03.497 --> 00:01:05.833
<i>in living memory
to tackle coronavirus.</i>

00:01:05.867 --> 00:01:07.301
<i>This has been the sort of scene</i>

00:01:07.334 --> 00:01:09.403
<i>imagined by
science fiction writers</i>

00:01:09.436 --> 00:01:11.606
<i>after an apocalyptic disaster.</i>

00:01:46.608 --> 00:01:49.276
Don't you carry anything,
wee man, okay?

00:01:51.946 --> 00:01:53.548
Here, carry this.

00:02:01.856 --> 00:02:04.525
- Ugh.
- Not in the living room!

00:02:07.962 --> 00:02:10.364
I mean, my God.

00:02:10.397 --> 00:02:12.700
The only thing keeping us
together is our child.

00:02:12.734 --> 00:02:14.334
- Arthur.
- Little Artie.

00:02:14.368 --> 00:02:15.235
His name is Arthur.

00:02:15.268 --> 00:02:16.714
Yeah, and if it wasn't
for little Artie,

00:02:16.738 --> 00:02:18.238
we would have split up
years ago.

00:02:18.271 --> 00:02:19.850
The truth is, we just
can't stand each other.

00:02:19.874 --> 00:02:21.274
Don't like each other.

00:02:21.308 --> 00:02:22.342
So, this lockdown,

00:02:22.376 --> 00:02:24.277
being in the same house
together, me and him...

00:02:24.311 --> 00:02:25.689
The only thing
that makes living with her

00:02:25.713 --> 00:02:27.280
even remotely bearable

00:02:27.314 --> 00:02:29.383
is knowing that I get to leave
this house every day.

00:02:29.416 --> 00:02:30.852
I feel exactly the same.

00:02:30.885 --> 00:02:32.486
Oh, my God,
saying goodbye to you,

00:02:32.520 --> 00:02:34.689
it is without doubt
the best part of my day.

00:02:34.722 --> 00:02:36.524
Just being
in the same room as him...

00:02:36.557 --> 00:02:38.793
Coming back and having to
see her again, I mean, fuck...

00:02:38.826 --> 00:02:40.895
it's like a sadness
and a soul-stink

00:02:40.928 --> 00:02:42.295
both mixed together.

00:02:42.329 --> 00:02:43.765
I hate your face.

00:02:43.798 --> 00:02:45.633
- My face?
- I hate your face.

00:02:45.667 --> 00:02:46.701
Oh, you hate my face?

00:02:46.734 --> 00:02:47.878
It's just your face. I hate it.

00:02:47.902 --> 00:02:50.203
Oh. What, so you're saying
I'm unattractive then or...

00:02:50.237 --> 00:02:51.949
No, no, you're attrac...
I mean, she's very attractive.

00:02:51.973 --> 00:02:53.608
It's just your face,
I totally hate it.

00:02:53.641 --> 00:02:54.818
I actually think of him
as a cancer.

00:02:54.842 --> 00:02:56.887
I hate looking at it. It's
maybe your eyes or something.

00:02:56.911 --> 00:02:58.345
And... not skin or testicle,

00:02:58.378 --> 00:02:59.881
but one of the really bad ones,

00:02:59.914 --> 00:03:01.883
you know,
like liver, pancreatic.

00:03:01.916 --> 00:03:03.359
Is it your cheeks?
I mean, I can't even

00:03:03.383 --> 00:03:05.252
- put my finger on it.
- It's colorectal...

00:03:05.285 --> 00:03:07.421
When I think about you,
I get exactly the same feeling

00:03:07.454 --> 00:03:09.590
as when I think about
my dead dad's cancer.

00:03:09.624 --> 00:03:11.458
- Exactly the same.
- It's your lips.

00:03:11.491 --> 00:03:13.360
- It's her lips.
- I've got great lips.

00:03:13.393 --> 00:03:14.705
Aye, no, you do,
you've got great lips.

00:03:14.729 --> 00:03:16.831
They're fantastic.
I just totally hate them.

00:03:16.864 --> 00:03:17.941
We should never
have got together

00:03:17.965 --> 00:03:18.933
- in the first place.
- Madness.

00:03:18.966 --> 00:03:21.368
I mean, we're just
so different, poles apart.

00:03:21.401 --> 00:03:24.605
But at the time, you think,
"Oh, opposites attract."

00:03:24.639 --> 00:03:25.783
You're caught up in all the...

00:03:25.807 --> 00:03:26.984
Do you know what else attracts?

00:03:27.008 --> 00:03:28.284
Hormones and pheromones and...

00:03:28.308 --> 00:03:29.209
Serial killers to victims.

00:03:29.242 --> 00:03:30.978
Intoxication
and the heart-racing sex.

00:03:31.012 --> 00:03:32.547
Oh, Jesus. Oh, God,

00:03:32.580 --> 00:03:34.347
just the thought of...

00:03:34.381 --> 00:03:36.316
actually having sex
with you is...

00:03:36.349 --> 00:03:37.752
I know. I know.

00:03:37.785 --> 00:03:39.921
And politically as well,
we're totally different.

00:03:39.954 --> 00:03:41.522
Aye. I believe in hard work.

00:03:41.556 --> 00:03:44.025
Everyone believes in hard work!

00:03:44.058 --> 00:03:45.560
Aye, whereas she, right,

00:03:45.593 --> 00:03:48.830
is a good old-fashioned,
unreconstructed socialist.

00:03:48.863 --> 00:03:50.732
That's my mother
you're describing.

00:03:50.765 --> 00:03:52.533
You're actually
talking about my mother.

00:03:52.567 --> 00:03:54.301
You've never
understood my politics.

00:03:54.334 --> 00:03:55.503
I'm actually quite moderate.

00:03:55.536 --> 00:03:56.738
I just happen to believe

00:03:56.771 --> 00:03:59.607
in not exploiting the workers
of this country.

00:03:59.640 --> 00:04:02.510
The workers. Listen to this.

00:04:02.543 --> 00:04:03.887
What do you know
about the workers?

00:04:03.911 --> 00:04:05.713
I'm actually
from the workers, right?

00:04:05.747 --> 00:04:06.614
I was brought up by the workers

00:04:06.647 --> 00:04:08.025
and the workers
aren't what you think.

00:04:08.049 --> 00:04:10.283
It's not all fish suppers
and roll-ups

00:04:10.317 --> 00:04:12.319
and sing songs
round the old Joanna.

00:04:12.352 --> 00:04:13.821
The workers
are fucking horrible.

00:04:13.855 --> 00:04:15.322
You just hate people.

00:04:15.355 --> 00:04:16.423
I just hate lazy.

00:04:16.456 --> 00:04:17.457
Meanwhile, those of us

00:04:17.491 --> 00:04:19.392
who were brought up
in the chattering classes.

00:04:19.426 --> 00:04:22.730
- Oh, my God, listen to this.
- The literati elite.

00:04:22.764 --> 00:04:24.766
My dad was a dentist!

00:04:24.799 --> 00:04:26.701
You pull yourself
up by the bootstraps, right?

00:04:26.734 --> 00:04:27.702
That's what I did.

00:04:27.735 --> 00:04:29.670
Got myself on top,
worked hard and I got out.

00:04:29.704 --> 00:04:32.006
Jesus Christ, dial it back.

00:04:32.039 --> 00:04:35.076
Yeah, you're from fucking
Kilmarnock, not Compton.

00:04:35.109 --> 00:04:36.644
We were poor!

00:04:36.677 --> 00:04:37.979
I got on top, I got out.

00:04:38.012 --> 00:04:39.580
At the time I thought, you know,

00:04:39.614 --> 00:04:42.016
"Oh, that's cute, he's a Tory."

00:04:42.049 --> 00:04:43.785
I am not a Tory.

00:04:43.818 --> 00:04:46.854
You've voted Conservative in
every election since we met.

00:04:46.888 --> 00:04:48.890
I voted for Tony Blair.

00:04:48.923 --> 00:04:51.993
Oh, fuck, can we just not talk
about politics, please?

00:04:55.129 --> 00:04:56.864
We're worried about my mum.

00:04:56.898 --> 00:04:57.941
We should've
just brought her here.

00:04:57.965 --> 00:04:59.934
Well, there's no point
in rehashing it, is there?

00:04:59.967 --> 00:05:01.736
I mean, we made a decision...

00:05:01.769 --> 00:05:04.005
I'm not "rehashing," all right?

00:05:04.038 --> 00:05:04.906
It's not what I'm doing.

00:05:04.939 --> 00:05:06.674
I know we made a decision,
I know that.

00:05:06.707 --> 00:05:08.843
It's just,
she's on her own, right?

00:05:08.876 --> 00:05:10.878
- And little Artie...
- Arthur.

00:05:10.912 --> 00:05:12.022
He's only got one grandparent

00:05:12.046 --> 00:05:14.682
and I'd love him to be able
to keep her. And besides,

00:05:14.715 --> 00:05:15.993
it's not like
there's that many people

00:05:16.017 --> 00:05:18.853
that, you know, get him.

00:05:18.886 --> 00:05:20.063
She's got carers that come in.

00:05:20.087 --> 00:05:21.488
They're awful.

00:05:21.522 --> 00:05:24.357
They are not awful,
they're overworked.

00:05:24.391 --> 00:05:25.693
They come in, right,

00:05:25.726 --> 00:05:27.728
for 45 minutes,
three times a day.

00:05:27.762 --> 00:05:29.597
They chuck on
some microwave pasta,

00:05:29.630 --> 00:05:30.565
change her colostomy bag

00:05:30.598 --> 00:05:32.009
and then they're
straight on to their phones.

00:05:32.033 --> 00:05:35.402
That was one,
that... that was one girl.

00:05:35.435 --> 00:05:37.972
And some of them are amazing,
you know.

00:05:38.005 --> 00:05:40.373
And they... they're paid shit,
by the way.

00:05:40.407 --> 00:05:41.718
They work from
7:00 in the morning

00:05:41.742 --> 00:05:42.610
until 10:00 at night.

00:05:42.643 --> 00:05:44.812
And they travel
from client to client.

00:05:44.846 --> 00:05:46.781
And if there's waiting
in between clients,

00:05:46.814 --> 00:05:48.415
they don't get paid for that,
you know.

00:05:48.448 --> 00:05:50.084
It works out less
than minimum wage.

00:05:50.117 --> 00:05:51.819
I'm not having a go at them,
all right?

00:05:51.853 --> 00:05:52.996
I know some of them are amazing.

00:05:53.020 --> 00:05:54.387
But some of them
are not amazing,

00:05:54.421 --> 00:05:55.857
and they're not even family.

00:05:55.890 --> 00:05:57.859
And that is another thing,
they're traveling.

00:05:57.892 --> 00:05:59.627
Is that... Is that okay?

00:05:59.660 --> 00:06:00.695
I don't know.

00:06:00.728 --> 00:06:01.905
I mean, are they wearing masks

00:06:01.929 --> 00:06:03.798
when they're on the bus
or whatever?

00:06:03.831 --> 00:06:05.142
I've seen people out there,
people out there

00:06:05.166 --> 00:06:06.133
- are wearing masks.
- Yeah. Yeah.

00:06:06.167 --> 00:06:08.468
Well, they're advising
against wearing masks.

00:06:08.502 --> 00:06:10.080
What happens when
they're on public transport,

00:06:10.104 --> 00:06:11.906
do they become
a vehicle or a vector?

00:06:11.939 --> 00:06:13.050
And other countries
are wearing masks.

00:06:13.074 --> 00:06:13.908
Should we be wearing masks?

00:06:13.941 --> 00:06:15.743
- I don't know!
- That's what I'm saying!

00:06:15.776 --> 00:06:17.912
Nobody seems to know anything!

00:06:19.479 --> 00:06:21.649
Anything at all.

00:06:21.682 --> 00:06:22.884
Fuck's sake.

00:06:22.917 --> 00:06:25.485
We've been trying to get her
into a home, me and my sister.

00:06:25.519 --> 00:06:26.663
It's a beautiful place.
Beautiful.

00:06:26.687 --> 00:06:27.922
I mean, it's got all the gear.

00:06:27.955 --> 00:06:29.456
We're not trying
to get rid of her.

00:06:29.489 --> 00:06:31.959
You know,
line dancing in the morning,

00:06:31.993 --> 00:06:34.095
kidney dialysis in the evening.

00:06:34.128 --> 00:06:35.172
And she knows you're not trying

00:06:35.196 --> 00:06:36.063
to get rid of her, by the way.

00:06:36.097 --> 00:06:37.765
Well, when we went there last,
she said,

00:06:37.798 --> 00:06:39.438
"You bitches are trying
to get rid of me."

00:06:39.466 --> 00:06:40.968
She's a colorful character.

00:06:41.002 --> 00:06:42.012
We just want her looked after.

00:06:42.036 --> 00:06:44.906
Yeah. And both my parents
are dead so, you know...

00:06:44.939 --> 00:06:46.807
thank God.

00:06:48.142 --> 00:06:49.944
Look, I'm...

00:06:49.977 --> 00:06:52.013
I'm really sorry.

00:06:52.046 --> 00:06:54.882
Okay, we need to get on,
I totally know that.

00:06:54.916 --> 00:06:56.593
And God knows how long
this thing is gonna last.

00:06:56.617 --> 00:06:59.520
It's just, this whole thing,
it is so confusing.

00:06:59.553 --> 00:07:02.156
It's just, nobody seems
to know what is going on.

00:07:02.189 --> 00:07:03.991
The ship is steering itself

00:07:04.025 --> 00:07:06.527
and all the grown-ups
have been fucking beamed up.

00:07:06.560 --> 00:07:11.198
And the people out there,
unbelievable. Unbelievable.

00:07:11.232 --> 00:07:13.567
What about the people out there?

00:07:13.601 --> 00:07:15.803
Well, go on.

00:07:15.836 --> 00:07:17.014
Don't worry about it,
you'll get all...

00:07:17.038 --> 00:07:18.649
- No, come on. Look...
- No, it's all right.

00:07:18.673 --> 00:07:20.017
If we're gonna get through
this, then we're gonna

00:07:20.041 --> 00:07:21.976
- have to, you know...
- What?

00:07:22.009 --> 00:07:23.811
- Well, talk.
- Us?

00:07:23.844 --> 00:07:25.813
Yeah. I think so. Don't you?

00:07:25.846 --> 00:07:27.181
You want me to talk?

00:07:27.214 --> 00:07:29.917
Well, I suppose so.
I mean, don't we have to?

00:07:29.951 --> 00:07:30.991
- All right.
- Like, a bit?

00:07:31.018 --> 00:07:32.820
Yeah, all right, all right.

00:07:32.853 --> 00:07:34.097
Well, look,
this was yesterday, right,

00:07:34.121 --> 00:07:36.090
just before they announced
the lockdown,

00:07:36.123 --> 00:07:37.490
and I'm down at the Tesco local.

00:07:37.525 --> 00:07:38.568
You know, the one on the corner?

00:07:38.592 --> 00:07:39.703
Yeah, the one on the corner...

00:07:39.727 --> 00:07:41.862
Yeah, I'm at the Tesco local,
the one in the corner,

00:07:41.896 --> 00:07:45.566
and I'm in there, right,
and it has been picked clean.

00:07:45.599 --> 00:07:47.802
I mean, locusts, right?

00:07:47.835 --> 00:07:49.646
And I'm in there
'cause I wanna get aubergines,

00:07:49.670 --> 00:07:51.748
- I'm gonna do this katsu...
- Katsu curry aubergine. Yeah.

00:07:51.772 --> 00:07:52.849
I'm gonna do
my katsu curry aubergine.

00:07:52.873 --> 00:07:54.873
I mean, it's the only
fucking thing Artie will eat.

00:07:55.876 --> 00:07:58.579
And so, there's not a sign
of an aubergine, right,

00:07:58.612 --> 00:08:02.750
not a courgette,
not a tomato, not a carrot.

00:08:02.783 --> 00:08:04.852
And so I see this woman
that works there,

00:08:04.885 --> 00:08:06.887
I recognized her,
I've seen her before.

00:08:06.921 --> 00:08:11.225
She's, erm, like 50s
and quite short, and...

00:08:11.258 --> 00:08:13.170
and like I don't mean this to
be rude or anything like that,

00:08:13.194 --> 00:08:14.237
but she's quite recognizable

00:08:14.261 --> 00:08:15.572
'cause she's got
quite a big nose.

00:08:15.596 --> 00:08:16.873
- Yeah, I know her.
- You know the one?

00:08:16.897 --> 00:08:18.065
Yeah, she's lovely.

00:08:18.099 --> 00:08:19.233
She comes out from behind

00:08:19.266 --> 00:08:21.669
one of those plastic flappy
curtains that they've got,

00:08:21.702 --> 00:08:23.704
and when she does,
I can see in there

00:08:23.738 --> 00:08:24.781
and I can see a whole crate,

00:08:24.805 --> 00:08:28.209
whole stack of aubergines,
right, masses of them.

00:08:28.242 --> 00:08:30.253
So I'm like, "Brilliant."
I go up to her and I'm like,

00:08:30.277 --> 00:08:32.913
"Excuse me. Excuse me,
have you got any aubergines?"

00:08:32.947 --> 00:08:35.716
And she's like, "No."
And I'm like, "What?"

00:08:35.750 --> 00:08:37.151
She's like, "No, we're out,"

00:08:37.184 --> 00:08:39.086
just like that,
not even particularly polite.

00:08:39.120 --> 00:08:41.288
Which is unusual for her
because she is lovely.

00:08:41.322 --> 00:08:43.057
Anyway.
So I go back up and I'm like,

00:08:43.090 --> 00:08:44.992
"Erm, excuse me. Excuse me."

00:08:45.026 --> 00:08:47.561
"I happened to glance behind
the plastic flappy curtains"

00:08:47.595 --> 00:08:49.563
"and I noticed
a whole crate of aubergines."

00:08:49.597 --> 00:08:52.867
And she's like, "Oh, fuck,
oh, no," like, flustered

00:08:52.900 --> 00:08:54.244
because suddenly
she thinks there's gonna be

00:08:54.268 --> 00:08:56.837
a "situation" or something
like that, right.

00:08:56.871 --> 00:08:59.006
And she goes, "I can't
give you those aubergines."

00:08:59.040 --> 00:09:00.307
And I'm like, "Why not?"

00:09:00.341 --> 00:09:02.309
And she goes,
"'Cause my manager says"

00:09:02.343 --> 00:09:03.887
"we're not to put
those aubergines out yet."

00:09:03.911 --> 00:09:05.012
And I'm like, "Ah, right",

00:09:05.046 --> 00:09:06.847
"no, I get it, I get it,"
you know.

00:09:06.881 --> 00:09:08.949
I say, "Listen,
here's the thing",

00:09:08.983 --> 00:09:10.885
"my little boy,
he's a lovely little boy,

00:09:10.918 --> 00:09:13.120
"but he's a bit weird
about things.

00:09:13.154 --> 00:09:15.332
"And right now, aubergines
are the only thing he'll eat.

00:09:15.356 --> 00:09:17.691
"So I'm not asking you
to go in there

00:09:17.725 --> 00:09:18.802
"and put all the aubergines out,

00:09:18.826 --> 00:09:20.837
"I'm just asking you to go
in there and get me three

00:09:20.861 --> 00:09:23.964
"so that I can do katsu curry
tonight." And she goes...

00:09:23.998 --> 00:09:28.069
like, voice all
wobbling, she's like, "Sir..."

00:09:28.102 --> 00:09:29.312
"I can't give you
those aubergines

00:09:29.336 --> 00:09:30.539
"because we now believe"

00:09:30.571 --> 00:09:33.774
"that one of our drivers has
fallen prey to the coronavirus"

00:09:33.808 --> 00:09:34.775
"and we're trying to figure out"

00:09:34.809 --> 00:09:37.044
"if he's the one that touched
that produce."

00:09:39.246 --> 00:09:40.724
And she thinks
that's the end of it, right.

00:09:40.748 --> 00:09:42.192
But I'm like,
"I'll give you a tenner."

00:09:42.216 --> 00:09:43.651
And she goes, "No."

00:09:43.684 --> 00:09:45.152
So I goes,
"I'll give you 20 quid."

00:09:45.186 --> 00:09:46.329
And she's like, "Sir, I can't."

00:09:46.353 --> 00:09:47.955
I'm like, "50 quid
for three aubergines."

00:09:47.988 --> 00:09:49.199
She's like,
"Please, sir, don't."

00:09:49.223 --> 00:09:51.158
"£200, right here, right now."

00:09:51.192 --> 00:09:53.627
She's like, "Really, sir,
I can't." "A grand."

00:09:54.361 --> 00:09:55.362
"What?"

00:09:56.964 --> 00:09:59.100
"I'll give you a grand, £1,000,

00:09:59.133 --> 00:10:01.168
"right here, right now.
I'm good for it.

00:10:01.202 --> 00:10:02.069
"I've got my own business

00:10:02.103 --> 00:10:03.213
"and I've done
really well for myself.

00:10:03.237 --> 00:10:05.048
"I'll head to the cashpoint,
use three credit cards."

00:10:05.072 --> 00:10:06.107
"I'll come back here,"

00:10:06.140 --> 00:10:08.309
"I'll put a grand in your hand
if you go in there"

00:10:08.342 --> 00:10:10.945
"and you get me
three aubergines."

00:10:12.246 --> 00:10:13.286
And she's thinking, right,

00:10:13.314 --> 00:10:15.182
'cause, I mean, she needs this.

00:10:15.216 --> 00:10:17.318
What is she on? Minimum wage,
a little bit above?

00:10:17.351 --> 00:10:18.929
She needs this.
She's living hand to mouth,

00:10:18.953 --> 00:10:21.222
so she's thinking, right.

00:10:22.022 --> 00:10:24.758
She goes like this...

00:10:24.792 --> 00:10:27.394
all around her to see
if anybody's listening.

00:10:27.428 --> 00:10:29.029
Then she goes, "Sir..."

00:10:29.063 --> 00:10:30.865
Voice all wobbling,
God love her...

00:10:30.898 --> 00:10:33.968
"I would love £1,000,
I really would.

00:10:34.001 --> 00:10:35.112
"It would make such a difference

00:10:35.136 --> 00:10:37.371
"to me and my family, but...

00:10:37.404 --> 00:10:39.840
"I can't,
in all good conscience,"

00:10:39.874 --> 00:10:40.975
"give you those aubergines"

00:10:41.008 --> 00:10:44.879
"because if you, or your son,
or anybody else died,"

00:10:44.912 --> 00:10:46.947
"then what kind of person
would I be?"

00:10:49.817 --> 00:10:52.153
And I look at her,
standing there,

00:10:53.053 --> 00:10:54.388
and I say,

00:10:55.222 --> 00:10:57.024
"You big-nosed prick.

00:10:57.825 --> 00:10:59.426
"You fucking loser."

00:10:59.460 --> 00:11:02.696
"Do you not understand, you
fucking big-nosed prick loser?"

00:11:02.730 --> 00:11:05.166
"This is the reason why you're
stuck in this shitty job"

00:11:05.199 --> 00:11:08.135
"and I've got an E-Class Benz
waiting for me outside!"

00:11:08.169 --> 00:11:09.312
And I just dropped my shopping

00:11:09.336 --> 00:11:11.205
all over the floor
and I walked out.

00:11:11.238 --> 00:11:12.907
- Oh, my God.
- Mm.

00:11:14.108 --> 00:11:15.809
- Oh, God.
- What?

00:11:15.843 --> 00:11:18.345
Oh, God. Oh, God!

00:11:18.379 --> 00:11:19.890
It's the only fucking thing
he'll eat right now!

00:11:19.914 --> 00:11:21.115
You are awful.

00:11:21.148 --> 00:11:22.192
I wanted to do
the katsu curry...

00:11:22.216 --> 00:11:23.360
You are the worst human alive!

00:11:23.384 --> 00:11:24.285
You said talk.

00:11:24.318 --> 00:11:25.328
It's the only thing
he'll eat right now!

00:11:25.352 --> 00:11:27.821
- What kind of awful person...
- You said talk!

00:11:27.855 --> 00:11:29.032
Yeah, I didn't know
what was gonna come out

00:11:29.056 --> 00:11:29.890
- of your fucking mouth!
- Thank you.

00:11:29.924 --> 00:11:32.226
I feel awful now.
Thank you very much!

00:11:32.259 --> 00:11:33.894
- You feel awful now?
- Aye, I do.

00:11:33.928 --> 00:11:34.762
Do you know what blows my mind?

00:11:34.795 --> 00:11:37.131
Do you know
what actually wakes me up

00:11:37.164 --> 00:11:39.033
in the middle of the night,
in a cold sweat,

00:11:39.066 --> 00:11:41.268
is the fact that
I used to love him.

00:11:41.302 --> 00:11:43.103
I did. I really did.

00:11:43.137 --> 00:11:44.147
I mean, how is that
even possible?

00:11:44.171 --> 00:11:46.006
Believe me, our former
feelings for each other

00:11:46.040 --> 00:11:48.008
are as inexplicable to me
as they are to you.

00:11:48.042 --> 00:11:50.477
But she's right,
we were in love.

00:11:50.512 --> 00:11:52.446
I thought she was incredible.

00:11:52.479 --> 00:11:54.848
- I thought he was charming.
- Now I think you're repugnant.

00:11:54.882 --> 00:11:57.051
Now I think you've got
the same level of charm

00:11:57.084 --> 00:11:59.053
as diarrhea in a pint glass.

00:11:59.086 --> 00:12:00.120
Right.

00:12:00.154 --> 00:12:01.488
Lockdown is gonna be hard then.

00:12:01.523 --> 00:12:03.724
It's gonna be really,
really hard.

00:12:04.291 --> 00:12:05.292
Really hard.

00:12:21.175 --> 00:12:22.544
<i>Breaking news coming in to us</i>

00:12:22.577 --> 00:12:24.778
<i>within the past few seconds.</i>

00:12:24.812 --> 00:12:28.115
<i>The Prime Minister has been
admitted into intensive care</i>

00:12:28.148 --> 00:12:31.218
<i>with those persistent symptoms
of coronavirus.</i>

00:12:31.252 --> 00:12:32.820
<i>Now as cities</i>

00:12:32.853 --> 00:12:34.522
<i>in lockdown fall almost silent,</i>

00:12:34.556 --> 00:12:37.391
<i>the largest,
brightest super moon of 2020</i>

00:12:37.424 --> 00:12:38.993
<i>has risen in the night sky.</i>

00:12:39.026 --> 00:12:40.127
<i>The spread of this virus</i>

00:12:40.160 --> 00:12:42.997
<i>is not accelerating
and that is good news.</i>

00:12:43.030 --> 00:12:44.865
Don't give me any more.

00:12:44.898 --> 00:12:46.867
Oh, you've given me some.

00:12:46.900 --> 00:12:49.903
You're a rotter.

00:12:49.937 --> 00:12:51.539
- Mushrooms?
- Huh? Oh!

00:12:51.573 --> 00:12:54.408
Oh, Christ, yes. Tell them
about the mushrooms. Go on.

00:12:54.441 --> 00:12:56.410
Basically, mushrooms
are to blame for everything.

00:12:56.443 --> 00:12:58.045
She tells it better than I do.

00:12:58.078 --> 00:12:59.557
Everything is the fault
of the mushrooms!

00:12:59.581 --> 00:13:01.315
If it wasn't for
the mushrooms, right,

00:13:01.348 --> 00:13:02.493
we wouldn't still be together.

00:13:02.517 --> 00:13:04.461
You tell it so much better
than I do. Go on, tell them.

00:13:04.485 --> 00:13:06.020
So, this is year three.

00:13:06.053 --> 00:13:08.289
We've had the warm,
cuddly first year.

00:13:08.322 --> 00:13:10.157
Bliss, love, harmony.

00:13:10.190 --> 00:13:12.293
And made it through the
slightly spiky second year.

00:13:12.326 --> 00:13:15.095
That gentle descent
into snarkiness and bickering.

00:13:15.129 --> 00:13:16.473
And now we're
well into year three.

00:13:16.497 --> 00:13:18.899
The terrifying plunge
into the icy, Arctic tundra.

00:13:18.932 --> 00:13:19.900
Am I actually telling it?

00:13:19.933 --> 00:13:21.969
And by this point, right,
we hate each other.

00:13:22.002 --> 00:13:24.138
And we don't wanna admit it,
but we both know,

00:13:24.171 --> 00:13:26.440
and we're both independently

00:13:26.473 --> 00:13:28.375
making plans
to get the hell out of dodge.

00:13:28.409 --> 00:13:31.979
I vividly remember
being at dinner with him

00:13:32.012 --> 00:13:33.581
and watching him eat
and just thinking

00:13:33.615 --> 00:13:35.916
it's the worst thing
I've ever experienced.

00:13:35.949 --> 00:13:38.852
What? I'm not a...
I'm not a bad eater.

00:13:38.886 --> 00:13:40.622
No, it's not that
you're a bad eater,

00:13:40.655 --> 00:13:43.023
it's just, like,
the fact of you eating.

00:13:43.057 --> 00:13:45.092
Like, watching you eat

00:13:45.125 --> 00:13:48.162
makes all the various
different processes involved

00:13:48.195 --> 00:13:49.997
more apparent.

00:13:50.030 --> 00:13:53.601
You know, like, mastication
and rending of flesh,

00:13:53.635 --> 00:13:55.637
grinding of matter,

00:13:55.670 --> 00:13:59.106
just mixing with saliva
and sucking it down

00:13:59.139 --> 00:14:03.077
into your big old meat-bowl
of acid, to break it down

00:14:03.110 --> 00:14:07.081
until it's no more than
a brown sausage of turd

00:14:07.114 --> 00:14:09.183
to be squeezed out
via your anus.

00:14:09.216 --> 00:14:11.485
Wow, you get all that
from eating?

00:14:11.519 --> 00:14:13.354
Er, no, just you eating.

00:14:13.387 --> 00:14:16.390
So, safe to say we're not...
we're not gonna carry on.

00:14:16.423 --> 00:14:18.526
And we had this massive blow-up

00:14:18.560 --> 00:14:19.594
just before my birthday.

00:14:19.627 --> 00:14:21.596
Like, massive. Final straw.

00:14:21.629 --> 00:14:24.898
But I'd stupidly booked
a surprise birthday weekend.

00:14:24.932 --> 00:14:26.367
Mushroom picking, of all things,

00:14:26.400 --> 00:14:27.468
in the New Forest.

00:14:27.502 --> 00:14:28.570
The New fucking Forest.

00:14:28.603 --> 00:14:31.372
And it was a non-refundable
deposit, so, you know...

00:14:31.405 --> 00:14:33.974
So they take you out
to the New fucking Forest

00:14:34.007 --> 00:14:36.276
at some godawful time
of the morning

00:14:36.310 --> 00:14:38.078
and they force you
to pick mushrooms.

00:14:38.112 --> 00:14:39.947
They show you
which ones are good,

00:14:39.980 --> 00:14:41.559
how they should be picked,
how they should be cooked.

00:14:41.583 --> 00:14:42.950
It was really interesting
actually.

00:14:42.983 --> 00:14:44.552
It was so boring.

00:14:44.586 --> 00:14:46.296
Come on, had we been
in a living relationship,

00:14:46.320 --> 00:14:48.155
we could've actually
made some friends.

00:14:48.188 --> 00:14:50.090
The people were awful.

00:14:50.124 --> 00:14:52.292
I thought one or two of them
were okay.

00:14:52.326 --> 00:14:56.096
What about your man
who was like...

00:14:56.130 --> 00:14:57.599
Oh, yeah.
He should've been executed.

00:14:57.632 --> 00:15:00.033
So, they teach you
how to pick mushrooms

00:15:00.067 --> 00:15:03.036
and they also teach you
which mushrooms not to pick.

00:15:03.070 --> 00:15:05.339
And there's this one
particular mushroom

00:15:05.372 --> 00:15:06.240
and the guy's like,

00:15:06.273 --> 00:15:09.042
"If you eat that,
it's not gonna kill you,

00:15:09.076 --> 00:15:10.944
"but it will be really bad.

00:15:10.978 --> 00:15:14.516
"If you eat that mushroom,
there will be stomach cramps,"

00:15:14.549 --> 00:15:16.283
"there will be
projectile vomiting,"

00:15:16.316 --> 00:15:19.386
"there will be
extraordinary diarrhea"

00:15:19.420 --> 00:15:21.188
"and you'll piss yourself."

00:15:21.221 --> 00:15:23.157
And we were both thinking
the same thing,

00:15:23.190 --> 00:15:26.293
"I would love to shove that
into the other one's fricassee

00:15:26.326 --> 00:15:28.262
- "and watch them squirm."
- Wild, right?

00:15:28.295 --> 00:15:31.131
Like, I would love
to pick that mushroom

00:15:31.165 --> 00:15:34.502
and watch that stupid bastard
lying on the floor,

00:15:34.536 --> 00:15:37.938
shitting his pants, thinking
he's gonna die.

00:15:40.073 --> 00:15:41.576
I mean, not really, you know.

00:15:41.609 --> 00:15:42.720
You don't really
want that to happen.

00:15:42.744 --> 00:15:45.145
You're just enjoying the fact
that it could happen.

00:15:45.747 --> 00:15:48.081
Yeah. And then...

00:15:50.217 --> 00:15:51.519
- It did happen.
- Yeah.

00:15:51.553 --> 00:15:54.054
- I got poisoned.
- He did. He did get poisoned.

00:15:54.087 --> 00:15:56.390
Oh, my God. One of us picked
the wrong mushrooms.

00:15:56.423 --> 00:15:58.425
I mean, they look
stupidly like the good ones.

00:15:58.459 --> 00:16:00.662
They ended up in this
fricassee, which I alone ate.

00:16:00.695 --> 00:16:02.429
Yeah, because you went on ahead.

00:16:02.463 --> 00:16:03.997
Because you were
too busy dawdling

00:16:04.031 --> 00:16:05.399
buying New fucking Forest fudge.

00:16:05.432 --> 00:16:07.334
Yeah, for your weird friend,
Nathan,

00:16:07.367 --> 00:16:09.136
who specifically
asked you to buy it

00:16:09.169 --> 00:16:11.673
and yet you get angry at me
for trying to

00:16:11.706 --> 00:16:13.508
and then you just, like,
sulk on ahead

00:16:13.541 --> 00:16:15.677
and cook them up yourself
to make a point.

00:16:15.710 --> 00:16:16.711
Aye. Look...

00:16:18.045 --> 00:16:19.413
I thought I was gonna die, okay?

00:16:19.446 --> 00:16:21.281
Yeah. He did.
He really thought that.

00:16:21.315 --> 00:16:22.449
The pain was extraordinary.

00:16:22.483 --> 00:16:23.627
He did think he was gonna die.

00:16:23.651 --> 00:16:25.061
That feeling that
something in your body

00:16:25.085 --> 00:16:26.153
that wants you dead...

00:16:26.186 --> 00:16:27.254
He was fine, though.

00:16:27.287 --> 00:16:28.188
I was at death's door!

00:16:28.222 --> 00:16:30.558
You were...
Yeah, you were at the door.

00:16:30.592 --> 00:16:31.526
You weren't on the premises.

00:16:31.559 --> 00:16:33.661
The guy specifically said
they're not fatal.

00:16:33.695 --> 00:16:37.397
It took the ambulance 1 hour
and 30 minutes to get there.

00:16:37.431 --> 00:16:40.033
No, it did.
It did take that long.

00:16:40.067 --> 00:16:41.468
- That was a bit scary.
- Mm-hmm.

00:16:42.504 --> 00:16:44.137
I held his hand the whole time.

00:16:44.171 --> 00:16:46.674
Yeah, you did. She held my hand.

00:16:46.708 --> 00:16:47.642
See, thing is,

00:16:47.675 --> 00:16:49.544
that when you go through
something like that,

00:16:49.577 --> 00:16:51.546
you feel
this terrifying panic, right,

00:16:51.579 --> 00:16:54.381
this absolute certainty that
you're going to die today.

00:16:54.414 --> 00:16:55.449
Just to reiterate...

00:16:55.482 --> 00:16:56.594
And that the person you're with

00:16:56.618 --> 00:17:00.822
is the last person you're ever
gonna see, it bonds you.

00:17:00.855 --> 00:17:02.322
Yeah, I mean,
when you go through

00:17:02.356 --> 00:17:04.057
something like that,
it does bond you.

00:17:05.125 --> 00:17:07.227
So we decided to try again.

00:17:07.261 --> 00:17:08.606
Which was the biggest
fucking mistake

00:17:08.630 --> 00:17:10.665
in the history of mistakes!

00:17:10.698 --> 00:17:12.834
Because in that brief respite,
right,

00:17:12.867 --> 00:17:16.671
on the sunny uplands
of stupidity,

00:17:16.704 --> 00:17:20.575
we decided that what we really
needed was a child, huh?

00:17:20.608 --> 00:17:23.578
Never make decisions
after a near-death experience.

00:17:23.611 --> 00:17:26.079
Or even a death-adjacent
experience.

00:17:26.113 --> 00:17:28.716
That fetus, right, was no bigger

00:17:28.750 --> 00:17:31.519
than a fucking bullet to the
head before we remembered

00:17:31.553 --> 00:17:33.621
that we could not stand
the sight of each other.

00:17:33.655 --> 00:17:36.691
And the rest, as they say,
is shit-story.

00:17:36.724 --> 00:17:38.392
And that's the mushroom story.

00:17:38.425 --> 00:17:39.661
Artie, here.

00:17:41.863 --> 00:17:43.631
It's not been that bad,
though, lockdown.

00:17:43.665 --> 00:17:44.699
No!

00:17:44.732 --> 00:17:46.133
We're two weeks done

00:17:46.166 --> 00:17:47.511
and, you know,
we're getting through it.

00:17:47.535 --> 00:17:48.603
Yeah, we are.

00:17:48.636 --> 00:17:49.847
Don't get me wrong.
It's not been pleasant though.

00:17:49.871 --> 00:17:51.104
God, no.

00:17:51.138 --> 00:17:52.574
We still have to see each other,

00:17:52.607 --> 00:17:54.809
pass each other
on the stairs, ugh...

00:17:54.842 --> 00:17:57.645
Just with everyone being so
happy-clappy fucking cheerful.

00:17:57.679 --> 00:17:59.479
Oh, which is inappropriate,
by the way.

00:17:59.514 --> 00:18:02.249
Have you seen WhatsApp?
It's intolerable.

00:18:02.282 --> 00:18:05.720
Twitter, Instagram.
You can't even, you know...

00:18:05.753 --> 00:18:08.556
"We're all in this together,
guys." "We'll get through it."

00:18:08.590 --> 00:18:11.124
Oh, my God. "I'm learning
how to play the banjo."

00:18:11.158 --> 00:18:13.126
"Look at me,
I made a macrame scarf

00:18:13.160 --> 00:18:16.296
"out of fucking pasta twirls."
Just pack it in.

00:18:16.330 --> 00:18:17.665
So there's been a lot going on

00:18:17.699 --> 00:18:20.535
and it's helped us
not to have to,

00:18:20.568 --> 00:18:23.671
you know, focus on, or talk to,

00:18:23.705 --> 00:18:24.806
or even notice each other.

00:18:24.839 --> 00:18:26.483
Yeah, I mean, we could pretend
that the other one...

00:18:26.507 --> 00:18:28.241
- Didn't exist.
- Was in a coma or...

00:18:28.275 --> 00:18:30.878
Look, my business
for one thing, right,

00:18:30.912 --> 00:18:33.280
it's taking
a lot of sorting out.

00:18:33.313 --> 00:18:35.315
- Tell them what you do.
- Don't start.

00:18:35.349 --> 00:18:37.552
- No, no. Go on.
- Don't start with that.

00:18:37.585 --> 00:18:38.762
No one understands what he does.

00:18:38.786 --> 00:18:39.821
Yes, they do.

00:18:39.854 --> 00:18:41.823
I don't understand what you do.

00:18:41.856 --> 00:18:43.223
That is absolutely not true.

00:18:43.256 --> 00:18:44.467
People do understand what I do.

00:18:44.491 --> 00:18:46.360
- Go on. Tell them.
- Okay.

00:18:46.393 --> 00:18:48.395
I've got a boutique consultancy.

00:18:48.428 --> 00:18:50.263
We specialize in data analytics

00:18:50.297 --> 00:18:52.175
and finding technological
multimedia solutions...

00:18:52.199 --> 00:18:53.266
I mean, what?

00:18:53.300 --> 00:18:56.537
For linear online broadcast
marketing providers,

00:18:56.571 --> 00:18:58.539
who specialize
in cost-efficiency savings.

00:18:58.573 --> 00:18:59.507
What's complicated about that?

00:18:59.540 --> 00:19:02.209
Mm-hmm. When we were
first going out together

00:19:02.242 --> 00:19:05.345
and people would ask him what
he did and he'd say all that,

00:19:05.379 --> 00:19:07.180
I would just
lean forward and go,

00:19:07.214 --> 00:19:09.550
"He means computers."

00:19:10.885 --> 00:19:13.453
Which was really funny,
a million years ago.

00:19:13.487 --> 00:19:15.823
But there's been
a lot of wrapping-up.

00:19:15.857 --> 00:19:17.391
So thank God for Rishi.

00:19:17.424 --> 00:19:18.860
- Comrade Rishi.
- Eh?

00:19:18.893 --> 00:19:20.494
I'm just saying,
the state stepped in.

00:19:20.528 --> 00:19:23.230
- Oh, it's a pandemic.
- Borrowing to invest in jobs.

00:19:23.263 --> 00:19:25.265
- It's a pandemic.
- I mean...

00:19:25.298 --> 00:19:28.435
I mean, isn't this
exactly the manifesto

00:19:28.468 --> 00:19:31.338
that Jeremy Corbyn
fought the last election on?

00:19:31.371 --> 00:19:33.975
Yes, it is. Yes, you were
fighting the last election

00:19:34.008 --> 00:19:35.442
in order to introduce measures,

00:19:35.475 --> 00:19:36.844
which have been
absolutely perfect

00:19:36.878 --> 00:19:38.445
for shutting the economy down.

00:19:38.478 --> 00:19:41.481
It wasn't a pandemic in 2008
when the banks...

00:19:41.516 --> 00:19:44.652
Don't. I never agreed
with 2008. Fuck 2008.

00:19:44.686 --> 00:19:46.954
There is no such thing
as too big to fail.

00:19:46.988 --> 00:19:50.725
That would be socialism.
Nah, let the weak perish.

00:19:50.758 --> 00:19:52.694
Yeah, don't mind handout now,
though, do you?

00:19:52.727 --> 00:19:55.328
They're loans! They're loans,
woman! They're loans!

00:19:55.362 --> 00:19:57.431
Look, my company's not weak,
okay? Never been weak.

00:19:57.464 --> 00:19:59.767
Yeah, no, just incomprehensible.

00:19:59.801 --> 00:20:02.235
Anyway, there was
so much to sort out.

00:20:02.269 --> 00:20:03.203
There was all the loans,

00:20:03.236 --> 00:20:05.506
there was the refund
in statutory sick pay,

00:20:05.540 --> 00:20:07.875
the VAT deferral, then furlough.

00:20:07.909 --> 00:20:09.787
I mean, that was actually
really important to me

00:20:09.811 --> 00:20:11.344
because I've got 12 employees.

00:20:11.378 --> 00:20:12.890
- Yeah, who you sacked.
- Who I did not sack.

00:20:12.914 --> 00:20:14.882
You already sent out
the emails firing them.

00:20:14.916 --> 00:20:17.685
Which I immediately rescinded
when the furlough came in.

00:20:17.719 --> 00:20:20.253
Yeah, when the government
was paying their wages.

00:20:20.287 --> 00:20:21.732
They're really good people.
I took them all back.

00:20:21.756 --> 00:20:23.490
Yeah, at 80% of their salary.

00:20:23.524 --> 00:20:25.026
Which is what the furlough is.

00:20:25.059 --> 00:20:27.962
- You can top it up, though.
- If you're a mug!

00:20:30.765 --> 00:20:34.769
Look, meanwhile...
she's still getting to work.

00:20:34.802 --> 00:20:38.438
Yeah. I work
for a charity called PFN.

00:20:38.472 --> 00:20:42.275
We're like the Taliban version
of Medecins Sans Frontieres.

00:20:42.309 --> 00:20:43.343
Oh, aye,

00:20:43.376 --> 00:20:45.445
- saving the world, this one.
- Mm.

00:20:45.479 --> 00:20:46.881
I work with refugees.

00:20:46.914 --> 00:20:47.958
It's good what she does,
actually.

00:20:47.982 --> 00:20:49.117
I am actually proud of that.

00:20:49.150 --> 00:20:52.553
- I'm a bit proud of that.
- I'm just a coordinator, so...

00:20:52.587 --> 00:20:54.756
Aye, for Europe.
For the whole of Europe.

00:20:54.789 --> 00:20:56.691
Working her fingers
to the bone, so she is.

00:20:56.724 --> 00:20:58.860
I mean, I don't agree with
most refugees on principle,

00:20:58.893 --> 00:21:00.695
but some of the ones
she helps... Phew.

00:21:00.728 --> 00:21:02.063
The ones I help
are no different.

00:21:02.096 --> 00:21:03.865
Some of the stories
of these ones...

00:21:03.898 --> 00:21:04.975
These ones are no different.

00:21:04.999 --> 00:21:06.009
I mean, your heart
goes out to them.

00:21:06.033 --> 00:21:07.811
It's heart-rending,
the stories of these ones.

00:21:07.835 --> 00:21:09.871
Which ones? Which ones?

00:21:09.904 --> 00:21:12.507
Which ones are these ones?
These ones are no different!

00:21:12.540 --> 00:21:14.441
You know, I'm not even
gonna get into it.

00:21:15.877 --> 00:21:17.344
There's been a lot going on.

00:21:17.377 --> 00:21:19.547
And, you know,
with homeschooling,

00:21:19.580 --> 00:21:21.620
which, in fairness, he has
taken the lion's share of

00:21:21.649 --> 00:21:22.583
and he's good at it.

00:21:22.617 --> 00:21:24.952
Aye, the Portuguese
colonization of Macau

00:21:24.986 --> 00:21:26.486
and the melting point of lead

00:21:26.521 --> 00:21:27.831
were just two little
memory nuggets

00:21:27.855 --> 00:21:29.489
I was particularly proud of.

00:21:29.524 --> 00:21:31.068
He has been good at it,
I'll give him that.

00:21:31.092 --> 00:21:33.326
It actually suits little Artie
better, as well.

00:21:33.360 --> 00:21:35.005
I mean, he's not very good
with other kids.

00:21:35.029 --> 00:21:36.898
Yeah, but he's lovely.

00:21:36.931 --> 00:21:39.634
- Is he there?
- Aye, no, he's lovely.

00:21:39.667 --> 00:21:41.936
Yes, he is. He's a lovely
wee boy. He is indeed.

00:21:41.969 --> 00:21:44.572
He's a lovely, lovely wee fella.

00:21:44.605 --> 00:21:46.406
Now, fair's fair,
you gave me a great son.

00:21:46.439 --> 00:21:48.408
I didn't give him to you,
you fuck!

00:21:48.441 --> 00:21:50.477
And then there's Mum.
Obviously I was worried.

00:21:50.511 --> 00:21:51.813
We both were.

00:21:51.846 --> 00:21:53.557
You know, whatever's going on
between her and I,

00:21:53.581 --> 00:21:55.348
- I like the old girl.
- Ha!

00:21:55.382 --> 00:21:56.250
She hates you.

00:21:56.284 --> 00:21:58.586
- She loves me.
- She hates your politics.

00:21:58.619 --> 00:21:59.520
She loves my politics.

00:21:59.554 --> 00:22:00.597
It gives her something
to argue against.

00:22:00.621 --> 00:22:03.090
My mum's a flat-out,
dyed-in-the-wool communist.

00:22:03.124 --> 00:22:05.793
Yeah, proper old-school,
CCCP-loving commie.

00:22:05.827 --> 00:22:07.504
Never got over the fall
of the Berlin Wall.

00:22:07.528 --> 00:22:08.639
See, back in the '70s, right,

00:22:08.663 --> 00:22:10.131
she had links
to the Angry Brigade.

00:22:10.164 --> 00:22:11.398
She didn't have links.

00:22:11.431 --> 00:22:13.577
Remember the people who tried
to blow up the Telecom Tower?

00:22:13.601 --> 00:22:16.403
She's the reason the revolving
restaurant no longer revolves.

00:22:16.436 --> 00:22:19.540
She may have hid two people

00:22:19.574 --> 00:22:21.576
who may or may not
have been involved

00:22:21.609 --> 00:22:22.877
for a number of hours, yeah.

00:22:22.910 --> 00:22:25.088
See, I once caught her, right,
trying to read <i>Das Kapital</i>

00:22:25.112 --> 00:22:26.681
to little Artie in his crib.

00:22:26.714 --> 00:22:28.149
I mean, I love her.

00:22:28.182 --> 00:22:30.417
- She is fiercely independent.
- Mm.

00:22:30.450 --> 00:22:32.753
It took us ages to get her to
accept the carers coming in.

00:22:32.787 --> 00:22:34.021
She's just scared, ain't she?

00:22:34.055 --> 00:22:35.823
Her legs, they're not
what they once were.

00:22:35.857 --> 00:22:37.792
They get scared
when their legs start to go.

00:22:37.825 --> 00:22:39.169
Mind you,
it's all started to go now.

00:22:39.193 --> 00:22:40.728
I'm forcing her to Zoom
every day.

00:22:40.761 --> 00:22:43.463
Her kidneys and her eyes.
Her neck went this one time.

00:22:43.496 --> 00:22:44.575
I don't mean, like, her throat.

00:22:44.599 --> 00:22:46.701
I mean, like, her neck muscles
holding up her head.

00:22:46.734 --> 00:22:47.768
She was like that.

00:22:47.802 --> 00:22:48.879
I'm like,
"You all right, darling?"

00:22:48.903 --> 00:22:50.504
She went...

00:22:50.538 --> 00:22:52.807
Giving her her lunch,
she's like...

00:22:52.840 --> 00:22:54.876
I'm like, "Fuck me, man.
It's terrifying."

00:22:54.909 --> 00:22:57.044
Anyway, so the afternoon,
the carer comes in.

00:22:57.078 --> 00:22:59.180
- This is with Miriam, right?
- Maryama.

00:22:59.213 --> 00:23:00.982
Somali girl. I call her
Miriam. She loves it.

00:23:01.015 --> 00:23:03.026
- Uh, she really doesn't!
- Anyway, she's the good one.

00:23:03.050 --> 00:23:04.451
She's one of the good ones.

00:23:04.484 --> 00:23:05.662
Anyway, you're on Zoom
and you see her.

00:23:05.686 --> 00:23:08.689
Yeah, I see her. And she's
wearing this home-made visor,

00:23:08.723 --> 00:23:11.726
made out of plastic,
like, see-through...

00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:13.594
You know, like
a plastic pocket kind of thing

00:23:13.628 --> 00:23:14.729
held on with rubber bands.

00:23:14.762 --> 00:23:18.498
I mean, she's
fucking Miriam, the good one.

00:23:18.532 --> 00:23:21.068
Yeah, and I ask her about PPE
and she's like,

00:23:21.102 --> 00:23:23.004
they haven't given her
any extra at all.

00:23:23.037 --> 00:23:24.005
No, nothing.

00:23:24.038 --> 00:23:25.878
They're making their own gowns
out of bin bags.

00:23:25.907 --> 00:23:27.440
I mean,
what the fuck is going on?

00:23:27.474 --> 00:23:30.645
Yeah, so Maryama's not happy
about this at all.

00:23:30.678 --> 00:23:31.788
You know, 'cause she's scared.

00:23:31.812 --> 00:23:33.824
She's scared for herself,
she's scared for her family,

00:23:33.848 --> 00:23:35.759
- she's scared for her clients.
- Tell them how many buses

00:23:35.783 --> 00:23:36.617
- she has to get.
- Three.

00:23:36.651 --> 00:23:38.786
- How many clients that day?
- Eight.

00:23:38.819 --> 00:23:39.921
What the fucking what?

00:23:39.954 --> 00:23:41.555
Yeah, so I go into a tailspin.

00:23:41.589 --> 00:23:43.925
I'm calling, like,
the council, the doctor.

00:23:43.958 --> 00:23:45.235
You know, I'm calling helplines,

00:23:45.259 --> 00:23:46.627
but can't get any answer

00:23:46.661 --> 00:23:48.071
'cause of everything
that's fucking going on.

00:23:48.095 --> 00:23:50.007
So I'm just gonna go and
get her and bring her here.

00:23:50.031 --> 00:23:51.599
But then am I exposing her?

00:23:51.632 --> 00:23:53.076
Yeah, I mean,
does one of us go and stay?

00:23:53.100 --> 00:23:54.635
- But who's looking after him?
- Yeah.

00:23:54.669 --> 00:23:57.071
So, I mean, we're just, like,
beside ourselves.

00:23:57.104 --> 00:23:59.807
And, you know, there's
this killer virus out there

00:23:59.840 --> 00:24:03.711
and you're sitting pretty
while your mother, your mum...

00:24:03.744 --> 00:24:05.088
And I'm thinking,
"Is this it?" you know.

00:24:05.112 --> 00:24:06.914
"Is my mum gonna die?"

00:24:06.948 --> 00:24:10.584
"Is my mother gonna die now?"
We're fucking terrified.

00:24:10.618 --> 00:24:12.586
But then her sister
just swoops in,

00:24:12.620 --> 00:24:13.955
sorts it all out,
out of the blue.

00:24:13.988 --> 00:24:16.090
- She was amazing.
- Out of the blue.

00:24:16.123 --> 00:24:18.826
Yeah, which is... you know,
'cause she's not normally...

00:24:18.859 --> 00:24:19.903
I mean, normally she's a bit...

00:24:19.927 --> 00:24:21.662
- Selfish?
- Not selfish.

00:24:21.696 --> 00:24:23.931
- Trying to be a comedian.
- Yeah. It's not a comedian.

00:24:23.965 --> 00:24:25.075
It's more performative
than that.

00:24:25.099 --> 00:24:27.802
Try telling a fucking joke.
That might raise a laugh.

00:24:27.835 --> 00:24:29.670
Look, fair's fair,
she saved the day.

00:24:29.704 --> 00:24:32.073
Yeah. She got her to go
to that home.

00:24:32.106 --> 00:24:33.116
That care home, you remember?

00:24:33.140 --> 00:24:35.543
Yeah. She persuaded her
to go to that care home.

00:24:35.576 --> 00:24:37.211
Lovely place.
I mean, absolutely amazing.

00:24:37.244 --> 00:24:38.889
God knows how she managed it,
but somehow...

00:24:38.913 --> 00:24:41.515
Yeah, she persuaded her to go
to the lovely, lovely home

00:24:41.549 --> 00:24:42.416
and they took her in.

00:24:42.450 --> 00:24:44.819
- What a relief.
- Yeah, it was amazing.

00:24:44.852 --> 00:24:46.253
I know. Overnight.

00:24:46.287 --> 00:24:48.622
No messing. Right in, overnight.

00:24:48.656 --> 00:24:51.025
Yeah. I mean,
she'll be safe there, right?

00:24:51.058 --> 00:24:53.961
In there? Aye, aye.
She'll be safe in there.

00:25:36.370 --> 00:25:40.141
This evening,
I harvested asparagus.

00:25:42.710 --> 00:25:45.780
I've never done that before.

00:25:45.813 --> 00:25:47.982
Actually, I shouldn't
have done it now

00:25:48.015 --> 00:25:49.726
because I only planted them
a few months ago.

00:25:49.750 --> 00:25:52.153
And with asparagus, right,

00:25:52.186 --> 00:25:54.688
you're supposed to leave them
for three years

00:25:54.722 --> 00:25:57.992
to let the crown bed in,
otherwise it dies.

00:25:59.060 --> 00:26:01.929
Apparently
that's what Google says.

00:26:01.962 --> 00:26:04.632
But, er,
I just could not resist it.

00:26:04.665 --> 00:26:08.803
You know, I've grown it
with my own hands and soil.

00:26:10.104 --> 00:26:11.005
Look, I'm not saying

00:26:11.038 --> 00:26:14.375
I'm some green fingered
vegetable person.

00:26:14.408 --> 00:26:17.611
That is not what this is,
you know,

00:26:17.645 --> 00:26:19.713
it's just this year with
everything that's going on.

00:26:20.781 --> 00:26:22.850
I ordered them...

00:26:22.883 --> 00:26:24.819
back in early February.

00:26:25.886 --> 00:26:27.288
Dunno why.

00:26:28.022 --> 00:26:29.857
Just did, you know.

00:26:29.890 --> 00:26:31.168
This was just when
we were getting

00:26:31.192 --> 00:26:32.893
the first sniff of this thing

00:26:32.927 --> 00:26:35.629
happening off
in far-flung China,

00:26:35.663 --> 00:26:39.400
this little place
that nobody had ever heard of.

00:26:39.433 --> 00:26:40.968
And these health things,

00:26:41.001 --> 00:26:42.870
they do happen every now
and again, don't they?

00:26:42.903 --> 00:26:45.739
I mean, like bird flu,
Ebola, SARS.

00:26:46.407 --> 00:26:47.975
And, don't get me wrong,

00:26:48.008 --> 00:26:51.412
I am not saying that I knew
this was all gonna happen.

00:26:51.445 --> 00:26:54.381
I'm not saying that I was
thinking I had to be some.

00:26:54.415 --> 00:26:57.785
"Grizzly Adams nuclear
fallout shelter" kind of guy.

00:26:57.818 --> 00:27:01.088
I'm just talking about
planting a few veggies.

00:27:01.122 --> 00:27:02.823
I actually think
about doing it every year,

00:27:02.857 --> 00:27:03.900
just never get round to it.

00:27:03.924 --> 00:27:06.994
I suppose it's like learning
the names of trees,

00:27:07.027 --> 00:27:09.063
or reading Charles Dickens.

00:27:09.096 --> 00:27:11.198
You know it's gonna make you
a better person.

00:27:11.232 --> 00:27:13.000
Just nobody fucking does it.

00:27:13.033 --> 00:27:15.669
But this year, with everything
that's happening...

00:27:18.939 --> 00:27:21.175
I actually find myself doing it.

00:27:21.208 --> 00:27:23.878
And I'm planting vegetables,
you know.

00:27:23.911 --> 00:27:24.988
I've got everything in there.

00:27:25.012 --> 00:27:30.351
I've got carrots, courgettes,
tomatoes, cucumbers.

00:27:30.384 --> 00:27:31.852
I've got radishes,

00:27:31.886 --> 00:27:33.363
got this wee thing
that I got from Venezuela,

00:27:33.387 --> 00:27:34.922
I'm not quite sure what it is.

00:27:34.955 --> 00:27:38.159
And, er, asparagus, right.

00:27:38.192 --> 00:27:40.361
So, tonight...

00:27:43.797 --> 00:27:45.032
we get a call

00:27:45.065 --> 00:27:46.800
just probably after
they've announced

00:27:46.834 --> 00:27:48.769
the official end of lockdown

00:27:48.802 --> 00:27:50.337
from Jonathan, right.

00:27:50.371 --> 00:27:53.974
Jonathan's the ICU nurse,
over there at the hospital.

00:27:54.008 --> 00:27:58.312
Amazing guy, Jonathan,
like, he's lovely.

00:27:58.345 --> 00:28:01.882
I cannot speak highly enough
about Jonathan.

00:28:01.916 --> 00:28:06.120
And he's the main nurse,
over there in intensive care

00:28:06.153 --> 00:28:07.488
looking after the old girl,

00:28:07.522 --> 00:28:09.290
because Covid,
you know, it just...

00:28:10.758 --> 00:28:11.992
just swept through that place.

00:28:12.026 --> 00:28:15.763
It just rampaged
right through the care home.

00:28:16.830 --> 00:28:19.433
Loads dead, loads in hospital.

00:28:19.466 --> 00:28:21.869
Like the old girl,
you know, taken in,

00:28:21.902 --> 00:28:25.940
intubated, on a ventilator,
stuck in a coma.

00:28:25.973 --> 00:28:28.475
And Jonathan, he's...

00:28:28.510 --> 00:28:31.212
he's on the phone
to us every day,

00:28:31.245 --> 00:28:33.480
telling us everything.
Everything.

00:28:33.515 --> 00:28:35.849
Temperature, heart rate,

00:28:35.883 --> 00:28:38.185
fucking which consultant
is seeing her,

00:28:38.219 --> 00:28:39.887
when they're flipping her
on to her front

00:28:39.920 --> 00:28:42.122
so that she can get
her breathing going.

00:28:42.156 --> 00:28:43.757
And, when he's got
a minute, right,

00:28:43.791 --> 00:28:46.860
which isn't very often,
I can tell you that,

00:28:46.894 --> 00:28:48.896
he talks to her,

00:28:48.929 --> 00:28:51.298
or he'll stick the phone up
to her ear so that we can.

00:28:51.332 --> 00:28:54.134
He's fucking just
an amazing guy, Jonathan.

00:28:54.168 --> 00:28:56.003
Lovely, you know.

00:28:56.036 --> 00:28:57.814
I just cannot fault him.
Cannot fault Jonathan.

00:28:57.838 --> 00:29:00.975
Anyway, when we get the call
from him tonight,

00:29:01.576 --> 00:29:03.310
it's the one

00:29:03.344 --> 00:29:05.946
that we've been dreading, right.

00:29:05.980 --> 00:29:07.414
"One of you..."

00:29:10.552 --> 00:29:13.487
"Can come in for 15 minutes
to say goodbye."

00:29:16.824 --> 00:29:18.225
She's the one
that takes the call.

00:29:18.259 --> 00:29:20.294
This is about 6:30.

00:29:20.327 --> 00:29:22.263
And I'm watching her
and she's on the phone,

00:29:22.296 --> 00:29:25.299
"Mm, mm," she's nodding away.

00:29:25.332 --> 00:29:28.435
Jonathan's on the other end,
being smashing.

00:29:28.469 --> 00:29:32.039
And she hangs up
and she tells me,

00:29:32.072 --> 00:29:33.274
just real matter of fact,

00:29:33.941 --> 00:29:35.442
"It's happening."

00:29:35.476 --> 00:29:37.512
Jonathan says
one of you can come in

00:29:37.545 --> 00:29:40.881
for 15 minutes to say goodbye

00:29:40.914 --> 00:29:43.784
and that we're lucky because...

00:29:45.152 --> 00:29:47.921
most other places aren't
even letting you do that.

00:29:49.423 --> 00:29:51.925
She's gotta be there at 8:45.

00:29:53.994 --> 00:29:57.264
She just says it like that,
you know, just cold as ice.

00:29:58.098 --> 00:30:01.335
But inside I can see

00:30:01.368 --> 00:30:03.304
her heart's just, like...

00:30:04.204 --> 00:30:05.205
gone...

00:30:06.574 --> 00:30:08.375
you know, like that.

00:30:14.315 --> 00:30:15.583
Like that.

00:30:23.023 --> 00:30:24.858
So, at 8:45, right,
I'm thinking,

00:30:24.892 --> 00:30:26.994
phew, "That's a bit of time..."

00:30:27.027 --> 00:30:29.463
"I'm gonna harvest
that asparagus."

00:30:29.496 --> 00:30:32.299
So I did.
I clipped it and steamed it,

00:30:32.333 --> 00:30:35.102
bit of salt and pepper,
made fresh hollandaise.

00:30:35.135 --> 00:30:37.280
It's not easy to do that but
it's really tasty when you do.

00:30:37.304 --> 00:30:40.542
And we sat down together

00:30:41.975 --> 00:30:44.244
and we ate the asparagus.

00:30:44.278 --> 00:30:46.146
And she said it was lovely.

00:30:47.014 --> 00:30:48.482
I think it helped...

00:30:49.584 --> 00:30:51.385
take her mind off...

00:30:53.320 --> 00:30:55.022
Anyway, here's the thing, right,

00:30:55.055 --> 00:30:57.067
the thing that's been going
over and over in my mind

00:30:57.091 --> 00:30:58.959
as I'm sitting here waiting...

00:31:04.599 --> 00:31:07.034
if there was
enough of an inkling,

00:31:07.067 --> 00:31:09.103
back in early February,

00:31:09.136 --> 00:31:13.273
for me to get myself online
and order asparagus crowns,

00:31:13.307 --> 00:31:15.075
and, I mean, who the fuck am I?

00:31:15.109 --> 00:31:17.945
But if there was
enough of a sniff

00:31:17.978 --> 00:31:20.582
at this thing happening
back then,

00:31:20.615 --> 00:31:23.350
then how come the people
that run this country...

00:31:24.451 --> 00:31:25.520
Like, how come the people

00:31:25.553 --> 00:31:28.122
who actually run this country...

00:31:29.490 --> 00:31:31.358
How is it possible
that the people

00:31:31.392 --> 00:31:33.528
who actually run this country...

00:31:56.618 --> 00:31:57.951
What you doing?

00:31:57.985 --> 00:31:59.721
I'm just... I'm just putting

00:31:59.754 --> 00:32:01.388
her temperature
in the spreadsheet.

00:32:02.222 --> 00:32:04.425
Why? I mean, is that...

00:32:07.461 --> 00:32:09.329
Does that matter anymore?

00:32:12.567 --> 00:32:14.501
Er, no, I suppose not.

00:32:16.370 --> 00:32:18.272
What are you doing?
Don't. Don't.

00:32:18.305 --> 00:32:20.474
Well, I thought,
like, a hug, or...

00:32:20.508 --> 00:32:23.076
No, no,
'cause I have to self-isolate.

00:32:23.110 --> 00:32:25.379
- What, in here?
- Yeah.

00:32:25.412 --> 00:32:27.014
- Yeah, don't you think?
- Uh...

00:32:28.048 --> 00:32:29.316
I don't know.

00:32:35.456 --> 00:32:36.624
So how was it?

00:32:39.293 --> 00:32:40.394
Er...

00:32:43.330 --> 00:32:45.265
Well, she was unconscious.

00:32:48.168 --> 00:32:51.739
And the hospital was weird.
It was just really empty

00:32:51.773 --> 00:32:54.274
in the places that are
normally busy and...

00:32:55.375 --> 00:32:56.210
But, you know, you could tell,

00:32:56.243 --> 00:32:58.078
behind the scenes,
everyone's just...

00:32:59.279 --> 00:33:00.414
um...

00:33:01.516 --> 00:33:04.786
- Jonathan was amazing.
- Yeah, Jonathan is amazing.

00:33:04.819 --> 00:33:06.386
Yeah.

00:33:06.420 --> 00:33:09.323
He just told me everything
that was gonna happen.

00:33:09.356 --> 00:33:11.358
And he said the consultant
had been in

00:33:11.391 --> 00:33:13.591
and she reckoned it was gonna
happen in the early hours.

00:33:15.730 --> 00:33:17.331
But he said, "Don't worry"

00:33:17.364 --> 00:33:19.634
because he was doing
an all-nighter

00:33:19.667 --> 00:33:21.736
and, you know, he'd make sure

00:33:21.769 --> 00:33:23.771
he was there when the time came.

00:33:23.805 --> 00:33:27.274
He said that's what the nurses
try and do, they...

00:33:27.307 --> 00:33:30.043
they just try and make sure
that people don't die alone.

00:33:32.346 --> 00:33:33.347
Yeah.

00:33:34.414 --> 00:33:35.415
Erm...

00:33:37.184 --> 00:33:38.151
And then he showed me

00:33:38.185 --> 00:33:40.287
how to put on
all the protective gear and...

00:33:42.790 --> 00:33:45.560
And for it to still be
comfortable, you know.

00:33:45.593 --> 00:33:48.228
And, er, then he took me in.

00:33:49.463 --> 00:33:51.666
And I had 15 minutes.

00:33:58.238 --> 00:34:00.608
I spent the first 10

00:34:00.642 --> 00:34:01.882
just talking about the traffic.

00:34:02.476 --> 00:34:03.578
Why?

00:34:03.611 --> 00:34:05.613
Because the roads were so clear.

00:34:11.719 --> 00:34:14.388
Yeah. And then, er,

00:34:14.421 --> 00:34:17.324
after 10 minutes, he leaned in
and he said, you know,

00:34:17.357 --> 00:34:18.760
"Tell her you love her, and..."

00:34:20.662 --> 00:34:23.798
And I did, I did, I just, er...

00:34:25.365 --> 00:34:27.535
All this stuff just, er...

00:34:27.569 --> 00:34:29.369
just poured out of me,
all this stuff.

00:34:31.171 --> 00:34:32.439
What stuff?

00:34:33.808 --> 00:34:35.810
Just that I loved her, you know,

00:34:37.210 --> 00:34:39.212
and that
I was proud of her and...

00:34:42.249 --> 00:34:43.585
that I was really grateful

00:34:43.618 --> 00:34:45.553
for the person she was

00:34:45.587 --> 00:34:48.756
and everything she'd done
for me. And I was...

00:34:48.790 --> 00:34:51.224
I was just so, so sorry that
I'd never said any of that

00:34:51.258 --> 00:34:53.193
when she could hear me,
you know.

00:34:54.862 --> 00:34:56.864
And that I loved her
so much that...

00:34:58.498 --> 00:35:00.868
my life was already hurting
without her in it

00:35:00.902 --> 00:35:03.437
and I was worried that
the hurt would never go away.

00:35:06.440 --> 00:35:07.709
No, no, no.

00:35:07.742 --> 00:35:09.611
Do you not think, like...

00:35:14.916 --> 00:35:16.116
Right.

00:35:17.685 --> 00:35:18.653
And then I told her

00:35:18.686 --> 00:35:21.355
that, er, Jonathan had told me
not to worry.

00:35:24.726 --> 00:35:27.629
I told her that
I'd spoken to him

00:35:27.662 --> 00:35:31.666
and he promised me that when
the time came, he'd be there.

00:35:31.699 --> 00:35:33.367
I told her that, erm,

00:35:34.401 --> 00:35:36.203
he promised me
he'd hold her hand...

00:35:37.739 --> 00:35:39.373
when she went.
That's what I told her.

00:35:46.313 --> 00:35:49.684
I feel like I do wanna
put her temperature in this...

00:35:49.717 --> 00:35:51.619
Go for it. Yeah.

00:35:52.553 --> 00:35:53.554
Just...

00:35:53.588 --> 00:35:56.490
But, erm, there isn't really
a point, is there?

00:35:57.324 --> 00:35:58.325
No.

00:36:01.929 --> 00:36:03.965
Look, there was never a point,

00:36:03.998 --> 00:36:05.365
so if it makes you
feel better...

00:36:06.433 --> 00:36:08.235
Well, if there's no point,
it's just...

00:36:16.443 --> 00:36:18.513
You said amazing things to her.

00:36:19.479 --> 00:36:21.214
- Did I?
- Aye.

00:36:24.952 --> 00:36:27.522
- Because I don't think I did.
- You totally did.

00:36:28.488 --> 00:36:29.489
Okay.

00:36:29.924 --> 00:36:30.925
Good.

00:36:33.928 --> 00:36:35.897
Because then, um,
I was driving home

00:36:35.930 --> 00:36:38.533
and Jonathan called and
he said it was happening now.

00:36:38.566 --> 00:36:40.001
No... Wait. No.

00:36:40.034 --> 00:36:41.736
- Yeah.
- No.

00:36:41.769 --> 00:36:43.013
But I thought it was
the early hours?

00:36:43.037 --> 00:36:45.573
Yeah, but she'd taken
a turn for the worse,

00:36:45.606 --> 00:36:46.784
so it was happening right then.

00:36:46.808 --> 00:36:48.710
- Jesus.
- I know.

00:36:53.480 --> 00:36:55.315
And she was alone.

00:36:55.348 --> 00:36:56.918
Yeah. Well, no,
she had Jonathan, right?

00:36:56.951 --> 00:36:59.721
- She didn't.
- I thought he was gonna...

00:36:59.754 --> 00:37:02.690
She didn't have Jonathan.

00:37:02.724 --> 00:37:06.761
Because he had another patient
who was dying at the same time

00:37:06.794 --> 00:37:08.996
and that person
had no one, so...

00:37:10.932 --> 00:37:14.869
He said at least my mum had me
to FaceTime with her.

00:37:14.902 --> 00:37:17.270
Oh, my God.

00:37:17.304 --> 00:37:19.640
And I really begged him not...

00:37:19.674 --> 00:37:21.008
Really begged him not to leave.

00:37:21.042 --> 00:37:24.545
I said, "Please don't let
my mum die on her own."

00:37:24.579 --> 00:37:25.913
And he said, "Sorry."

00:37:27.314 --> 00:37:29.316
And I said...

00:37:30.350 --> 00:37:31.318
I said, "Please."

00:37:31.351 --> 00:37:34.354
And he said he's sorry
that he had to choose.

00:37:36.758 --> 00:37:39.459
And he did.
He did have to choose.

00:37:40.795 --> 00:37:42.830
He did.

00:37:42.864 --> 00:37:47.602
So he just, he put his phone
on the arm of the bed.

00:37:51.072 --> 00:37:54.374
And I sat in a lay-by
on the ring road.

00:37:55.375 --> 00:37:56.911
FaceTiming in.

00:37:58.780 --> 00:38:03.316
I just sat there
and I watched my mum die,

00:38:03.350 --> 00:38:06.319
listening to Jonathan on
the other side of the curtain

00:38:07.420 --> 00:38:09.690
telling a man
he didn't even know

00:38:09.724 --> 00:38:12.894
that he was there
and he wasn't gonna leave him.

00:38:17.497 --> 00:38:19.700
So, yeah, Mum died on her own.

00:39:38.713 --> 00:39:44.518
<i>♪ In the bleak midwinter</i>

00:39:44.552 --> 00:39:49.590
<i>♪ Frosty wind made moan</i>

00:39:50.658 --> 00:39:56.831
<i>♪ Earth stood hard as iron</i>

00:39:56.864 --> 00:40:02.103
<i>♪ Water like a stone</i>

00:40:02.136 --> 00:40:05.506
<i>♪ Snow had fallen</i>

00:40:05.539 --> 00:40:08.175
<i>♪ Snow on snow</i>

00:40:08.209 --> 00:40:14.615
<i>♪ Snow on snow</i>

00:40:14.649 --> 00:40:20.221
<i>♪ In the bleak midwinter</i>

00:40:20.254 --> 00:40:25.826
<i>♪ Long ago</i>

00:40:25.860 --> 00:40:32.533
<i>♪ Our God,
Heaven cannot hold Him</i>

00:40:32.566 --> 00:40:37.038
<i>♪ Nor Earth sustain</i>

00:40:38.506 --> 00:40:39.907
Okay. So...

00:40:39.941 --> 00:40:43.210
we have been having sex.

00:40:43.244 --> 00:40:44.979
- Yeah, we have.
- Which is...

00:40:45.012 --> 00:40:47.515
Yeah. I mean,
it's as big a surprise

00:40:47.548 --> 00:40:48.859
to us as it is to you,
to be honest.

00:40:48.883 --> 00:40:50.193
I mean,
we did not see that coming.

00:40:50.217 --> 00:40:51.118
- Not at all.
- Not in a million.

00:40:51.152 --> 00:40:52.162
No, I never thought
I'd go there again.

00:40:52.186 --> 00:40:55.656
Jesus, last man on Earth?
Give me celibacy now.

00:40:55.690 --> 00:40:57.024
- Yeah, but...
- We have...

00:40:57.058 --> 00:40:59.927
Yeah, we have been
having sex, and...

00:40:59.961 --> 00:41:03.898
- Yeah, it's been quite...
- Yeah, it has been...

00:41:03.931 --> 00:41:05.633
- What's it been?
- Uh...

00:41:06.267 --> 00:41:08.035
It's been good.

00:41:08.069 --> 00:41:09.103
Yeah, it has been good.

00:41:09.136 --> 00:41:11.138
Been really good, in fact,
if totally unexpected.

00:41:11.172 --> 00:41:14.809
Yeah, but it was always good,
like, historically speaking.

00:41:14.842 --> 00:41:17.511
- Historically, yeah.
- Not that we were ever all...

00:41:17.545 --> 00:41:21.682
No, no, no, not some, like,
super special fucking...

00:41:21.716 --> 00:41:24.251
No, we're not that kind of
super special showy,

00:41:24.285 --> 00:41:25.519
like, Olympic types...

00:41:25.553 --> 00:41:26.754
No, who's got time for that?

00:41:26.787 --> 00:41:28.789
No, but, I mean.
We had our quirks...

00:41:28.823 --> 00:41:30.267
Yes. Yes, I'm not saying
that we were...

00:41:30.291 --> 00:41:31.225
back in the day.

00:41:31.258 --> 00:41:34.161
Yes, there was fun,
there was "ooh la la."

00:41:34.195 --> 00:41:36.797
I mean, we were both of us
just fairly compatible.

00:41:36.831 --> 00:41:39.066
You know, I mean,
we're both very...

00:41:39.900 --> 00:41:41.102
we're very... I suppose

00:41:41.135 --> 00:41:42.703
- we're both very solid.
- Quick.

00:41:43.671 --> 00:41:45.606
- Yeah, quick. Yeah, yeah.
- Aye?

00:41:45.639 --> 00:41:47.775
Both parties
pretty quick at sex.

00:41:47.808 --> 00:41:50.244
- Not bad quick.
- No, I wasn't say... No.

00:41:50.277 --> 00:41:52.246
No, no, no, just, like,
we know where we're going,

00:41:52.279 --> 00:41:53.247
we don't hang about.

00:41:53.280 --> 00:41:55.983
Yeah, we're not into
the whole bump and grind.

00:41:57.084 --> 00:41:59.153
Aye, none of
that fucking tantric,

00:41:59.186 --> 00:42:01.022
Paul Weller, fucking...

00:42:01.055 --> 00:42:02.023
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah.

00:42:02.056 --> 00:42:04.825
But at the same time,
it's not all "wham bam."

00:42:04.859 --> 00:42:05.993
No. No, no, no.

00:42:06.027 --> 00:42:08.996
No. Premature, that's not the...

00:42:09.030 --> 00:42:10.931
- Is it?
- No. No, no, no.

00:42:10.965 --> 00:42:12.666
Both of us happen to be able

00:42:12.700 --> 00:42:13.844
to get where we're going with...

00:42:13.868 --> 00:42:15.736
- Time to spare.
- Alacrity. Yeah.

00:42:15.770 --> 00:42:18.639
Needless to say, right,
it's totally side-swiped

00:42:18.672 --> 00:42:20.250
the pair of us. I mean,
a bolt from the blue.

00:42:20.274 --> 00:42:22.710
Yeah. I mean,
we think we've figured out

00:42:22.743 --> 00:42:23.644
why it's happening,

00:42:23.677 --> 00:42:25.155
but it still doesn't
make sense, does it?

00:42:25.179 --> 00:42:26.580
- No.
- Not really. But,

00:42:26.614 --> 00:42:27.948
you know, we tell you,

00:42:27.982 --> 00:42:29.693
you're not gonna understand it
either, but here goes.

00:42:29.717 --> 00:42:30.961
All right, so,
it all started right back

00:42:30.985 --> 00:42:32.229
at the end
of the first lockdown.

00:42:32.253 --> 00:42:34.822
Well, it was
the night of Mum's funeral.

00:42:34.855 --> 00:42:37.358
It was a weird day,
to be fair, wasn't it?

00:42:37.391 --> 00:42:39.326
I mean, funerals, right,

00:42:39.360 --> 00:42:40.961
I've buried both my parents,

00:42:40.995 --> 00:42:43.197
and there's this whole
bunch of stuff

00:42:43.230 --> 00:42:44.408
that you have to organize,
you know.

00:42:44.432 --> 00:42:47.935
The strangers coming to your
door to pay their respects,

00:42:47.968 --> 00:42:51.072
flowers, hymns, catering,

00:42:51.105 --> 00:42:52.940
picking a coffin,
picking coffin ornaments.

00:42:52.973 --> 00:42:55.943
And, look, all this stuff,
it can seem really irritating,

00:42:55.976 --> 00:42:57.711
but it's actually
kind of amazing

00:42:57.745 --> 00:42:59.389
because what's it doing
is it's distracting you

00:42:59.413 --> 00:43:00.581
from what you've lost.

00:43:00.614 --> 00:43:04.285
And, oh, God, I remember at
my dad's funeral,

00:43:04.318 --> 00:43:08.622
there was this big, six foot,
tobaccoey lead smelter, right.

00:43:08.656 --> 00:43:10.891
And he comes up to me
and he goes...

00:43:10.925 --> 00:43:14.061
He grabs my hand
in his big fists and he goes,

00:43:14.095 --> 00:43:15.796
"He was the last of the great

00:43:15.830 --> 00:43:18.299
"characters, that man," right.

00:43:18.332 --> 00:43:21.368
"When he left, the fun
went out of that place."

00:43:21.402 --> 00:43:23.370
"I loved that man."

00:43:23.404 --> 00:43:25.172
And I guess

00:43:25.206 --> 00:43:26.316
it's stuff like that, it just...

00:43:26.340 --> 00:43:29.043
It teaches you things you
never knew about the person

00:43:29.076 --> 00:43:31.178
you thought
you knew everything about,

00:43:31.212 --> 00:43:32.313
and it distracts you.

00:43:32.346 --> 00:43:35.149
Anyway, you don't get any
of that at a Covid funeral.

00:43:35.182 --> 00:43:38.652
It's five people
at our Covid funeral. Five.

00:43:38.686 --> 00:43:40.230
Don't organize catering
for five people.

00:43:40.254 --> 00:43:42.356
You gotta choose
your coffin online,

00:43:42.389 --> 00:43:45.025
so you're like,
"Oh, that one, those handles."

00:43:45.059 --> 00:43:47.304
Yeah, no strangers coming to
your door at a Covid funeral.

00:43:47.328 --> 00:43:49.272
Nobody sending flowers.
I mean, what you gonna do,

00:43:49.296 --> 00:43:50.965
you gonna wash them
before they come in?

00:43:50.998 --> 00:43:54.034
There's no singing at
a Covid funeral, no hymns...

00:43:54.068 --> 00:43:55.870
No strangers grabbing you
by the fist,

00:43:55.903 --> 00:43:57.147
looking you in the eye
and telling you

00:43:57.171 --> 00:43:58.348
that your father's actually...

00:43:58.372 --> 00:43:59.874
Hold on, hold on, listen...

00:44:02.109 --> 00:44:03.244
- Can I say something?
- Aye.

00:44:03.277 --> 00:44:05.779
Just... And you're not gonna
look at me all weird or...

00:44:05.813 --> 00:44:06.847
I don't know.

00:44:06.881 --> 00:44:09.183
I mean, I don't know
what you're gonna say, do I?

00:44:16.123 --> 00:44:18.792
I loved that funeral.

00:44:18.826 --> 00:44:21.428
And I know I shouldn't
say that because,

00:44:21.462 --> 00:44:22.963
other people, you know,

00:44:22.997 --> 00:44:24.899
Jesus, it's so painful
for them...

00:44:25.900 --> 00:44:27.234
So agonizing not to be able

00:44:27.268 --> 00:44:29.270
to have the funeral you need,
but, like...

00:44:29.303 --> 00:44:31.272
I mean, for me...

00:44:31.305 --> 00:44:32.940
Like, for me, it was...

00:44:34.308 --> 00:44:36.477
just the best.

00:44:36.511 --> 00:44:38.879
Like, there's no...
there's no...

00:44:38.913 --> 00:44:41.115
there's no catering
to worry about,

00:44:41.148 --> 00:44:43.217
there's no flowers,

00:44:43.250 --> 00:44:45.819
you know, no one's knocking
at your door,

00:44:45.853 --> 00:44:46.921
poking their nose in,

00:44:46.954 --> 00:44:49.456
you're not obsessing about
what the coffin is saying

00:44:49.490 --> 00:44:51.392
about your love
for the person you're burying,

00:44:51.425 --> 00:44:53.093
there's no fucking hymns.

00:44:53.794 --> 00:44:55.396
It's just you

00:44:55.429 --> 00:44:57.464
and the person you're putting
in the ground. And...

00:44:59.466 --> 00:45:01.735
You know, there's nothing
to distract you from the pain

00:45:01.769 --> 00:45:04.405
of what you're losing
and I loved that.

00:45:04.438 --> 00:45:06.407
I fucking loved that funeral.

00:45:06.907 --> 00:45:07.908
I...

00:45:11.378 --> 00:45:13.147
I fucking loved
that funeral, too.

00:45:14.114 --> 00:45:15.449
- You did?
- I did.

00:45:16.450 --> 00:45:19.053
Well, then why were you all...

00:45:19.086 --> 00:45:21.488
Well, 'cause you were like...

00:45:21.523 --> 00:45:22.890
Yeah, but...

00:45:22.923 --> 00:45:24.358
I was loving it.

00:45:24.391 --> 00:45:25.426
I mean, not loving it.

00:45:25.459 --> 00:45:26.994
You know, my mum is dead, but...

00:45:27.027 --> 00:45:28.067
Yeah. Obviously. I mean...

00:45:28.095 --> 00:45:29.063
Let me tell you,

00:45:29.096 --> 00:45:31.865
that big six foot,
chain-smoking lead smelter

00:45:31.899 --> 00:45:34.077
that came up to me and told me
all that shite about my dad,

00:45:34.101 --> 00:45:36.103
that ruined my year.

00:45:36.136 --> 00:45:37.471
I mean, do not need to find out

00:45:37.505 --> 00:45:39.940
that the guy that's been
an arsehole to me for decades

00:45:39.974 --> 00:45:41.774
is actually Michael
bloody McIntyre, you know.

00:45:43.410 --> 00:45:45.779
Well, I couldn't say anything
because...

00:45:45.813 --> 00:45:46.847
Well, you know, it's...

00:45:46.880 --> 00:45:48.148
- No, you can't, can you?
- No.

00:45:48.182 --> 00:45:49.326
You're not supposed to be happy

00:45:49.350 --> 00:45:51.051
about a Covid funeral, are you?

00:45:51.085 --> 00:45:53.387
No. And I suppose
when we got home,

00:45:53.420 --> 00:45:55.557
we just got caught up
talking about Artie, and...

00:45:55.590 --> 00:45:57.858
Fuck, Artie was... He was...

00:45:57.891 --> 00:45:58.727
Oh, he was upset.

00:45:58.759 --> 00:46:00.461
Yeah, 'cause he wanted
to see the body.

00:46:00.494 --> 00:46:01.929
Yeah, 'cause he loved his gran.

00:46:01.962 --> 00:46:03.964
And he wanted to touch it.

00:46:03.998 --> 00:46:07.968
So what? I wanted to touch it,
that's normal.

00:46:08.002 --> 00:46:09.103
He wanted to taste it.

00:46:09.136 --> 00:46:11.405
Not like... Don't say it like
he's a cannibal or...

00:46:11.438 --> 00:46:12.940
He didn't wanna saute it.

00:46:12.973 --> 00:46:14.975
He wanted to see
if a dead body...

00:46:16.076 --> 00:46:17.420
- What?
- Tastes like a live body.

00:46:17.444 --> 00:46:19.113
Which is normal, right?

00:46:19.146 --> 00:46:20.247
Absolutely normal.

00:46:20.281 --> 00:46:22.316
Fucking curious, curious child.

00:46:22.349 --> 00:46:23.183
Anyway, we...

00:46:23.217 --> 00:46:26.153
So we had the funeral,
we came home,

00:46:26.186 --> 00:46:29.957
we talked about Arthur,
we made some tea,

00:46:29.990 --> 00:46:32.126
we had a bit of cheese

00:46:32.159 --> 00:46:34.361
and then the next thing
you know, we had a...

00:46:35.296 --> 00:46:36.930
sexual contact.

00:46:36.964 --> 00:46:38.932
Should we tell them what it was?

00:46:38.966 --> 00:46:40.578
- No, we don't need to...
- No, no, no. All right.

00:46:40.602 --> 00:46:45.039
Look, suffice it to say,
okay, one of us had an orgasm.

00:46:45.072 --> 00:46:46.950
- We don't need to. Why?
- I just thought they needed...

00:46:46.974 --> 00:46:48.084
Why do you need to say that?

00:46:48.108 --> 00:46:49.319
I thought it's important
for them to know the details.

00:46:49.343 --> 00:46:50.978
That was it, a one off.

00:46:51.011 --> 00:46:54.481
You know, we put it down
to the day, to the situation.

00:46:54.516 --> 00:46:55.482
We're not doing that again.

00:46:55.517 --> 00:46:58.052
Oh, God, no. Done, bang, over.
What's on telly?

00:46:58.085 --> 00:47:00.354
Yeah, and then
post-lockdown life settles in

00:47:00.387 --> 00:47:02.524
and we just completely
forget about it.

00:47:02.557 --> 00:47:03.792
Things start to change,

00:47:03.824 --> 00:47:05.969
you know, you can see people,
you can go to restaurants...

00:47:05.993 --> 00:47:07.638
They encouraged you to go
to restaurants, bizarrely.

00:47:07.662 --> 00:47:10.197
Yeah. Through all of that,
we did not have sex.

00:47:10.230 --> 00:47:11.432
- No. No.
- Even once.

00:47:11.465 --> 00:47:13.434
And little Artie, right,
he's back at school.

00:47:13.467 --> 00:47:14.512
Then he was out of school again

00:47:14.536 --> 00:47:15.576
'cause some kid got Covid.

00:47:15.603 --> 00:47:17.605
And then he was in,
then he was out,

00:47:17.639 --> 00:47:18.707
and then he was in again,

00:47:18.740 --> 00:47:20.317
it was like a bloody yo-yo,
to be honest with you.

00:47:20.341 --> 00:47:22.076
But, point is,
that there was space

00:47:22.109 --> 00:47:25.212
to ourselves to do it in,
had we so desired.

00:47:25.245 --> 00:47:26.480
And we didn't at all, did we?

00:47:26.514 --> 00:47:28.215
No. I mean, I was working,
I was busy.

00:47:28.248 --> 00:47:30.652
Yeah, and summer comes,
then autumn.

00:47:30.685 --> 00:47:33.087
And then it was like
people seemed to forget that

00:47:33.120 --> 00:47:34.931
we were living in a country
that was being held together

00:47:34.955 --> 00:47:36.357
by shoestring and Sellotape,

00:47:36.390 --> 00:47:38.536
and people that don't have
the option to work from home,

00:47:38.560 --> 00:47:40.961
people that have got
shit jobs and shit pay,

00:47:40.994 --> 00:47:42.439
but have to look after
shits like us...

00:47:42.463 --> 00:47:44.231
Ah. Careful, comrade!

00:47:44.264 --> 00:47:45.199
Fuck off. The world

00:47:45.232 --> 00:47:47.034
is still dog-eat-dog,
I'm not saying that.

00:47:47.067 --> 00:47:48.311
Have an idea, for Christ's sake,

00:47:48.335 --> 00:47:50.104
don't just eat
chicken fucking nuggets.

00:47:50.137 --> 00:47:51.573
Oh, there he is.

00:47:51.606 --> 00:47:54.208
The point is,
at no point during any of this

00:47:54.241 --> 00:47:56.076
do we even consider having sex.

00:47:56.110 --> 00:47:57.010
Not even just there,

00:47:57.044 --> 00:47:59.346
when the lockdown
to save Christmas starts.

00:47:59.380 --> 00:48:01.048
We're still not doing it,
are we?

00:48:01.081 --> 00:48:02.593
No. God, no. I mean,
not in a million years.

00:48:02.617 --> 00:48:03.551
No. And then, right,

00:48:03.585 --> 00:48:06.420
they announce
a vaccine's been discovered.

00:48:06.453 --> 00:48:10.658
And we just start fucking
ploughing like teenagers.

00:48:10.692 --> 00:48:14.194
Honestly, no idea why. Like...

00:48:14.228 --> 00:48:16.330
Did the announcement
trigger it? You know.

00:48:16.363 --> 00:48:17.665
Is it a lockdown phenomenon?

00:48:17.699 --> 00:48:19.400
Are other people
experiencing this?

00:48:19.433 --> 00:48:22.336
Maybe because the vaccine's
gonna make things better?

00:48:22.369 --> 00:48:24.171
- Yeah, for you, maybe.
- How do you mean?

00:48:24.204 --> 00:48:26.206
Well,
I mean, they're not gonna be

00:48:26.240 --> 00:48:28.510
vaccinating people in refugee
camps any time soon.

00:48:28.543 --> 00:48:31.178
Here we go, let
the virtue signaling begin.

00:48:31.211 --> 00:48:34.148
No, rich countries
will be snapping it up.

00:48:34.181 --> 00:48:36.316
Hey, look, everybody,
a good person is here!

00:48:36.350 --> 00:48:39.186
Fuck off! Life and death
shouldn't be about profit.

00:48:39.219 --> 00:48:40.296
Everything is about profit.

00:48:40.320 --> 00:48:42.389
And don't say "profit"
like it's a bad thing, okay.

00:48:42.423 --> 00:48:44.568
How do you think they made
the vaccine? They used money.

00:48:44.592 --> 00:48:45.560
Oh. Well, all I know

00:48:45.593 --> 00:48:47.394
is that you are gonna
be getting the vaccine

00:48:47.428 --> 00:48:49.597
long before any front-line
worker in Sierra Leone,

00:48:49.631 --> 00:48:51.198
and what the fuck do you do?

00:48:51.231 --> 00:48:53.042
I would run out there tomorrow
and get it if I could.

00:48:53.066 --> 00:48:54.301
Yeah. No, I know you would.

00:48:54.334 --> 00:48:56.514
You'd run out there with your
big fat fucking purse, like...

00:48:56.538 --> 00:48:58.640
100%, I'd get it like a shot.

00:48:58.673 --> 00:49:02.209
I'd get it twice, three times,
once for the weekend.

00:49:02.242 --> 00:49:03.477
Why am I having sex with you?

00:49:03.511 --> 00:49:06.380
I don't know, that's the point.

00:49:06.413 --> 00:49:08.148
We did it in the kitchen
this morning.

00:49:08.182 --> 00:49:10.484
Over the dishwasher.
I mean, that is unfathomable.

00:49:10.518 --> 00:49:12.663
- Why would you go into...
- What are you talking about?

00:49:12.687 --> 00:49:15.155
We're over-sharing.

00:49:15.189 --> 00:49:18.025
Oh, shit. Er... We are.
I'm really sorry about that.

00:49:18.058 --> 00:49:19.335
You don't need to go
into all the info.

00:49:19.359 --> 00:49:21.295
No. Yeah, all the ins and outs.

00:49:22.396 --> 00:49:23.765
- Oh, come on.
- Sorry.

00:49:23.798 --> 00:49:25.432
How old are you?

00:49:25.466 --> 00:49:27.468
- How old are you?
- Fucking...

00:49:27.501 --> 00:49:30.370
It doesn't mean we're
all suddenly, you know...

00:49:30.404 --> 00:49:33.040
- No! No.
- Suddenly all lovey...

00:49:33.073 --> 00:49:35.209
- No! Absolutely not.
- Dovey and all that.

00:49:35.242 --> 00:49:37.244
Fuck, no. No, no, no, no.

00:49:37.277 --> 00:49:39.046
It's like, it's physical,
isn't it?

00:49:39.079 --> 00:49:40.782
Physical.
Just purely contractual, eh?

00:49:40.815 --> 00:49:44.218
- Yeah. Isn't it? Yeah.
- Aye. Yes! Yes!

00:49:44.251 --> 00:49:46.186
It's not like
we're not suddenly in...

00:49:46.220 --> 00:49:48.455
- Fuck, no! Jesus.
- Love or...

00:49:48.489 --> 00:49:50.457
- like through the tulips...
- Don't.

00:49:50.491 --> 00:49:52.192
Fucking holding hands,

00:49:52.226 --> 00:49:54.228
braiding each other's bits,
and fucking...

00:49:54.261 --> 00:49:55.763
Still makes me sick.

00:49:55.797 --> 00:49:57.097
Yeah, and the sight of her

00:49:57.130 --> 00:49:58.576
still makes me wanna
stab my own feet.

00:49:58.600 --> 00:50:00.434
I mean, I definitely do not...

00:50:00.835 --> 00:50:02.670
Do I?

00:50:02.704 --> 00:50:06.406
I think maybe the...
the truth is, is that...

00:50:06.440 --> 00:50:08.710
I'm still struggling
with my mum's death, you know,

00:50:08.743 --> 00:50:11.078
and... and...
and maybe the vaccine,

00:50:11.111 --> 00:50:12.814
like, triggered something,
you know.

00:50:12.847 --> 00:50:15.182
I mean, just the thought

00:50:15.215 --> 00:50:18.085
that if she'd had it,
you know, she'd...

00:50:19.119 --> 00:50:21.054
And just the unfairness of that,

00:50:21.088 --> 00:50:23.156
like the nonsense of it, and...

00:50:23.190 --> 00:50:26.126
This physical thing that's
been happening between us,

00:50:26.159 --> 00:50:27.562
I think maybe it's helped.

00:50:27.595 --> 00:50:28.830
Yeah.

00:50:28.863 --> 00:50:30.464
Yeah, for me, too.

00:50:30.497 --> 00:50:32.700
- You too?
- Yeah. I think so.

00:50:32.734 --> 00:50:35.335
I think the sex has helped.

00:50:35.369 --> 00:50:37.337
Well, yeah, the sex, but...

00:50:37.371 --> 00:50:40.140
You know, it's not just
the sex, it's the contact...

00:50:40.173 --> 00:50:41.208
Yeah, no, it is.

00:50:41.241 --> 00:50:44.746
It's the contact.
It's the contact.

00:50:44.779 --> 00:50:46.422
And it's the sex as well,
if I'm being honest,

00:50:46.446 --> 00:50:47.491
you know, for me, personally.

00:50:47.515 --> 00:50:49.717
And it's not just the vaccine

00:50:49.751 --> 00:50:51.385
that's been messing
with my head. I...

00:50:52.554 --> 00:50:56.423
I find this
really hard to admit,

00:50:56.456 --> 00:50:57.701
but I've got
complicated feelings

00:50:57.725 --> 00:50:58.560
towards my sister now.

00:50:58.593 --> 00:51:00.562
I think it's chilled me out
somewhat.

00:51:00.595 --> 00:51:03.330
And she feels...
she feels terrible, you know,

00:51:03.363 --> 00:51:06.534
just awful, terrible. And I...

00:51:06.568 --> 00:51:08.502
I should be feeling
sympathetic towards her,

00:51:08.536 --> 00:51:09.837
but I just feel really angry,

00:51:09.871 --> 00:51:11.138
like I just have so much anger.

00:51:11.171 --> 00:51:12.282
I think it's relaxed me a bit.

00:51:12.306 --> 00:51:14.509
And I hate myself
for feeling like this.

00:51:14.542 --> 00:51:17.477
- But if I'm really honest...
- Just emptying my bags.

00:51:19.814 --> 00:51:22.115
- What?
- What?

00:51:22.149 --> 00:51:24.451
- What did you just say?
- No, I was just...

00:51:24.484 --> 00:51:25.820
- For God's sake!
- Joking.

00:51:25.853 --> 00:51:27.487
- I was joking.
- "Emptying your bags"?

00:51:27.522 --> 00:51:28.556
Don't joke!

00:51:28.590 --> 00:51:29.833
- I'm really sorry.
- Jesus... I mean,

00:51:29.857 --> 00:51:31.301
- what is wrong with you?
- I said I'm sorry.

00:51:31.325 --> 00:51:32.225
- You always do this!
- Honest to God,

00:51:32.259 --> 00:51:33.904
- I'm really sorry.
- No. Just when I begin

00:51:33.928 --> 00:51:35.371
- to think, you always...
- I don't always do anything.

00:51:35.395 --> 00:51:36.439
Just when I begin to think...

00:51:36.463 --> 00:51:37.783
Just when you begin
to think what?

00:51:42.904 --> 00:51:44.104
Just...

00:51:44.706 --> 00:51:46.406
Don't walk away.

00:51:46.440 --> 00:51:47.809
Don't walk away!

00:51:54.414 --> 00:51:55.817
She's been hit by it.

00:51:57.785 --> 00:51:59.721
I know she doesn't
look it, but...

00:52:01.455 --> 00:52:03.190
inside, you know...

00:52:08.261 --> 00:52:09.329
grief.

00:53:02.684 --> 00:53:04.719
I can't escape the feeling

00:53:04.752 --> 00:53:07.622
that my mother didn't die,
she was killed.

00:53:08.823 --> 00:53:10.591
The problem is that
people don't understand

00:53:10.625 --> 00:53:12.392
the word "exponential."

00:53:12.426 --> 00:53:15.963
They think it means "a lot"
or "quite fastly."

00:53:15.997 --> 00:53:21.301
You see it on TV, you know,
or in bad sci-fi movies.

00:53:22.870 --> 00:53:25.472
"Good God, this alien mass
is growing exponentially,"

00:53:25.506 --> 00:53:27.374
and you think,
"Oh, that's a lot."

00:53:27.407 --> 00:53:28.408
But, erm,

00:53:28.442 --> 00:53:31.746
it's worth taking the time
to understand the...

00:53:31.779 --> 00:53:34.982
the mathematics
of exponential growth.

00:53:36.050 --> 00:53:38.418
Right, so you, er...

00:53:38.452 --> 00:53:40.822
So you start with one
and you double it,

00:53:40.855 --> 00:53:41.723
say, every three days.

00:53:41.756 --> 00:53:44.625
So you're doubling it
every three days.

00:53:44.659 --> 00:53:48.529
So, by the end of a week,
you've got four.

00:53:48.563 --> 00:53:51.833
One has become four in a week.

00:53:53.034 --> 00:53:55.570
And by the end of the second
week, you have 16.

00:53:55.603 --> 00:53:58.740
By the end of the third week,
you have 128.

00:53:58.773 --> 00:54:02.275
And as the month draws
to a close, you have 512.

00:54:03.010 --> 00:54:05.713
That's after just four weeks.

00:54:05.747 --> 00:54:08.883
Okay. So, that's a lot more
than one, but, you know,

00:54:09.851 --> 00:54:11.418
not so much.

00:54:12.754 --> 00:54:14.421
But if you carry on,

00:54:16.023 --> 00:54:19.894
the fifth week gives you 2,048.

00:54:19.927 --> 00:54:22.764
The sixth gives you 8,192.

00:54:23.631 --> 00:54:25.800
The seventh...

00:54:25.833 --> 00:54:31.304
The seventh gives you 65,536.

00:54:31.338 --> 00:54:35.810
The eighth gives you 262,144.

00:54:35.843 --> 00:54:37.979
And if you go one week more,

00:54:38.012 --> 00:54:40.915
pretty much near
as dammit to the...

00:54:40.948 --> 00:54:43.718
to the... to the...
to the two calendar months

00:54:43.751 --> 00:54:45.028
from when
this whole thing started,

00:54:45.052 --> 00:54:50.925
you get 1,048,576.

00:54:50.958 --> 00:54:52.870
So the difference between
the start of the first week

00:54:52.894 --> 00:54:54.529
and the end
of the first week is four.

00:54:56.097 --> 00:54:58.533
And the difference between
the start of the ninth week

00:54:58.566 --> 00:55:00.768
and the end of the ninth week

00:55:01.669 --> 00:55:05.405
is 786,432.

00:55:05.438 --> 00:55:06.874
So, same amount of days,

00:55:08.075 --> 00:55:09.744
hugely different numbers.

00:55:14.949 --> 00:55:20.988
This isn't an illustration
of coronavirus, by the way.

00:55:21.022 --> 00:55:23.356
This isn't what
actually happened.

00:55:23.390 --> 00:55:25.358
You know, we didn't quite
go to nine weeks

00:55:25.392 --> 00:55:27.538
before the first lockdown.
There wasn't just one person

00:55:27.562 --> 00:55:28.495
who brought it into the country.

00:55:28.529 --> 00:55:32.800
It's probably as many as
1,300 patient zeros.

00:55:32.834 --> 00:55:35.870
And this doesn't
take into account,

00:55:35.903 --> 00:55:38.806
you know, pre-lockdown efforts
to battle the virus,

00:55:38.840 --> 00:55:41.108
track and trace,
people changing behavior.

00:55:41.142 --> 00:55:42.844
What actually happened is,

00:55:42.877 --> 00:55:45.847
it's far more complex
than what I've just done.

00:55:45.880 --> 00:55:48.481
What I've just done is...

00:55:48.516 --> 00:55:50.084
illustrate
the word "exponential."

00:55:50.117 --> 00:55:53.721
And it doesn't mean
"quite fastly."

00:55:54.454 --> 00:55:55.890
What it means is...

00:55:57.457 --> 00:56:01.062
What it means
is that timing matters.

00:56:03.831 --> 00:56:08.769
It's said that if we'd
locked down one week earlier,

00:56:08.803 --> 00:56:13.808
just one week, that we could
have saved 20,000 lives.

00:56:13.841 --> 00:56:16.010
So it seems to me
that the word "exponential"

00:56:16.043 --> 00:56:16.911
was not understood.

00:56:16.944 --> 00:56:19.446
But I've just
explained it to you in...

00:56:19.479 --> 00:56:21.115
I've just explained it
to you in...

00:56:21.949 --> 00:56:25.820
1 minute, 34 seconds. And...

00:56:26.821 --> 00:56:28.756
you get it, right?

00:56:29.657 --> 00:56:31.391
It's not that hard, is it?

00:56:35.563 --> 00:56:38.032
In January, 2020,

00:56:38.065 --> 00:56:40.668
the Care Provider Alliance

00:56:40.701 --> 00:56:44.105
contacted the Department
of Health and Social Care

00:56:44.138 --> 00:56:45.640
and said,

00:56:45.673 --> 00:56:49.043
"What should we be doing
about this new coronavirus?"

00:56:49.076 --> 00:56:50.811
And they were told,

00:56:50.845 --> 00:56:53.480
"Nothing.
Don't do anything different."

00:56:53.514 --> 00:56:54.982
And they contacted them
a week later

00:56:55.016 --> 00:56:57.718
and they said,
"What should we be doing now?

00:56:57.752 --> 00:56:59.620
"I mean, should we be,

00:56:59.654 --> 00:57:01.522
"you know,
should we be self-isolating?

00:57:01.555 --> 00:57:04.091
"Should we be restricting visits"

00:57:04.125 --> 00:57:06.961
"from family and friends?"

00:57:06.994 --> 00:57:07.962
"Should we..."

00:57:07.995 --> 00:57:09.740
"Should we be, like...
Should we wear masks?"

00:57:09.764 --> 00:57:12.499
And this time,
they weren't told,

00:57:12.533 --> 00:57:14.769
"Nothing." This time,
they were told...

00:57:16.837 --> 00:57:19.674
Well, this time,
they weren't told anything.

00:57:19.707 --> 00:57:22.176
This time, they weren't told
anything at all.

00:57:23.277 --> 00:57:27.181
And it wasn't
until a month later

00:57:27.214 --> 00:57:30.651
that they were given guidance.

00:57:30.685 --> 00:57:34.922
This is the end of February now

00:57:34.956 --> 00:57:37.558
and the guidance was that they,

00:57:37.591 --> 00:57:41.494
"You do not need to wear masks"

00:57:41.529 --> 00:57:44.865
"and it remains very unlikely
that people receiving care"

00:57:44.899 --> 00:57:47.568
"in care homes
will become infected."

00:57:47.601 --> 00:57:49.537
And I'm gonna repeat that.

00:57:49.570 --> 00:57:51.238
I'm gonna repeat the advice

00:57:51.272 --> 00:57:53.541
from the Department
of Health and Social Care,

00:57:53.574 --> 00:57:57.645
"It remains very unlikely
that people receiving care"

00:57:57.678 --> 00:58:01.248
"in care homes
will become infected."

00:58:01.282 --> 00:58:04.218
You can...
You can look that up. It's...

00:58:04.251 --> 00:58:06.253
There will still
be links for it.

00:58:07.221 --> 00:58:09.090
And this is one week

00:58:09.123 --> 00:58:11.892
before our Prime Minister
is walking around

00:58:11.926 --> 00:58:14.962
just boasting
about shaking hands

00:58:14.996 --> 00:58:17.264
with coronavirus patients.

00:58:17.298 --> 00:58:20.001
And then the Imperial College

00:58:20.034 --> 00:58:23.170
points out
that if left unchecked,

00:58:23.204 --> 00:58:27.174
the virus could kill
half a million people,

00:58:27.208 --> 00:58:29.076
and the government are like,

00:58:29.110 --> 00:58:30.911
"Oh... Oh, fuck, really?"

00:58:32.079 --> 00:58:34.515
"Oh, shit. Fuck."

00:58:35.983 --> 00:58:38.819
And then...
then the panic kicks in.

00:58:38.853 --> 00:58:40.988
The NHS is gonna be overwhelmed,

00:58:41.022 --> 00:58:42.990
we're gonna be like Italy...

00:58:43.024 --> 00:58:45.559
"Oh, please, God,
don't let us be Italy."

00:58:45.593 --> 00:58:50.898
And ministers order 15,000
hospital beds to be vacated,

00:58:50.931 --> 00:58:53.034
and the guidance
given to hospitals

00:58:53.067 --> 00:58:57.071
is that it shouldn't take
more than three hours.

00:58:57.104 --> 00:59:00.107
So patients
are taken out of hospitals

00:59:00.141 --> 00:59:02.643
and they're dumped
into care homes,

00:59:02.676 --> 00:59:05.980
and they're not
being tested because...

00:59:06.013 --> 00:59:07.815
And again, I'm gonna quote here,

00:59:07.848 --> 00:59:11.052
"that Covid sufferers can be"

00:59:11.085 --> 00:59:13.954
"safely cared for
in care homes."

00:59:18.392 --> 00:59:20.194
So, while the...

00:59:20.928 --> 00:59:23.764
While the NHS...

00:59:23.798 --> 00:59:28.102
the burden on the NHS
was being so hotly debated

00:59:28.135 --> 00:59:32.706
and... and while, you know,
the fact that there was no...

00:59:32.740 --> 00:59:35.342
not enough PPE gear
to go around,

00:59:35.376 --> 00:59:37.311
while all that
was being discussed,

00:59:37.344 --> 00:59:39.980
the care homes
were given next to nothing.

00:59:40.014 --> 00:59:41.649
I mean, they were given
dribs and drabs

00:59:41.682 --> 00:59:43.217
while the prices shot up.

00:59:43.250 --> 00:59:47.721
And some local authorities
threatened to withhold money

00:59:47.755 --> 00:59:49.990
from care homes
if they didn't take in

00:59:50.024 --> 00:59:53.928
confirmed coronavirus patients.

00:59:56.063 --> 00:59:59.066
So they were
sent in to these places

00:59:59.100 --> 01:00:02.069
like biological warfare.

01:00:02.103 --> 01:00:07.074
They were like... like
blankets laced in smallpox.

01:00:12.413 --> 01:00:17.651
In the first lockdown, it's
said that 40% of the people

01:00:17.685 --> 01:00:22.223
who died from coronavirus
were from care homes. 40%.

01:00:23.924 --> 01:00:26.427
So you see,
I can't escape the feeling

01:00:26.460 --> 01:00:27.995
that my mother was killed.

01:00:28.028 --> 01:00:32.266
And not by a car,
or a gun, or a knife,

01:00:32.299 --> 01:00:35.236
or a cricket bat,
or even by the virus.

01:00:35.269 --> 01:00:39.173
She was...
She was killed by stupidity.

01:00:39.206 --> 01:00:43.244
She was killed by dumbfuckery.
She was killed by...

01:00:43.277 --> 01:00:45.846
by someone looking
at something coming at them

01:00:45.880 --> 01:00:47.781
at the speed of a freight train

01:00:47.815 --> 01:00:49.326
and just being like,
"Oh, let's just..."

01:00:49.350 --> 01:00:51.952
"let's just carry on,
shall we? Let's just..."

01:00:55.022 --> 01:00:55.990
"You know, it's a bit..."

01:00:56.023 --> 01:01:00.361
"It's a bit fucking
Dunkirk spirit, you know,"

01:01:00.394 --> 01:01:04.331
"a bit stiff upper lip.
Let's just carry on, old man."

01:01:04.365 --> 01:01:05.966
And my mother...

01:01:06.934 --> 01:01:08.435
My mum...

01:01:11.005 --> 01:01:12.339
I think, erm...

01:01:13.174 --> 01:01:14.742
I think that's it.

01:01:16.410 --> 01:01:17.444
Do you... Do you...

01:01:17.478 --> 01:01:20.748
Isn't it?
Have you got that off...

01:01:20.781 --> 01:01:22.283
Do you remember the... the...

01:01:22.316 --> 01:01:24.018
when we were
supposed to lockdown?

01:01:24.051 --> 01:01:27.721
We were supposed to lockdown
and... and then we didn't.

01:01:27.755 --> 01:01:29.490
And they came out and they said,

01:01:29.524 --> 01:01:32.927
you know,
"Don't go to clubs or bars,"

01:01:32.960 --> 01:01:35.829
"or... or restaurants, you know,"

01:01:35.863 --> 01:01:40.000
"unless you just bloody well
want to or something."

01:01:40.034 --> 01:01:43.237
That was when, like,
Spain and France

01:01:43.270 --> 01:01:47.208
and Lithuania and Malaysia,
they were all locking down.

01:01:48.242 --> 01:01:49.243
Yeah.

01:01:51.345 --> 01:01:52.346
Is that...

01:01:54.014 --> 01:01:55.216
Is that it?

01:01:58.953 --> 01:02:00.821
"Is that it"?

01:02:00.854 --> 01:02:03.057
I don't mean,
"Is that all you can muster?"

01:02:03.090 --> 01:02:04.458
I mean it genuinely.

01:02:04.491 --> 01:02:07.428
If you've got more,
you've got the right to say.

01:02:07.461 --> 01:02:09.163
Oh, yeah. Sorry, no.

01:02:10.397 --> 01:02:12.132
No, that... Yeah, that's it.

01:02:14.201 --> 01:02:15.803
Are you all right?

01:02:17.338 --> 01:02:19.240
No, I don't think so, really.

01:02:22.577 --> 01:02:23.777
Well...

01:02:29.116 --> 01:02:32.052
I... I just feel like
something's changing in me,

01:02:32.086 --> 01:02:34.086
you know, I just feel like
I'm going into a dark...

01:02:35.022 --> 01:02:36.757
Just a bit of a dark place.

01:02:40.494 --> 01:02:43.364
Oh, right. Fuck. Erm...

01:02:43.397 --> 01:02:45.766
Why don't we think
of something positive?

01:02:47.401 --> 01:02:49.470
- Positive?
- Yeah, like, why don't we

01:02:49.503 --> 01:02:51.438
try and leave the room
on a positive thing?

01:02:53.907 --> 01:02:56.511
- What positive thing?
- I don't know. Erm...

01:02:56.544 --> 01:02:59.480
- Arthur. What about Arthur?
- Okay. What about Arthur?

01:03:01.516 --> 01:03:02.483
Actually, he said

01:03:02.517 --> 01:03:04.885
this really interesting thing
the other day.

01:03:04.918 --> 01:03:06.887
He's really clever,
he really is.

01:03:06.920 --> 01:03:10.057
It's this whole evolutionary
theory. Humans as prey.

01:03:10.090 --> 01:03:12.293
Which I know sounds
a bit whatever,

01:03:12.326 --> 01:03:14.596
but bear with me, okay?

01:03:14.629 --> 01:03:18.032
It's this whole evolutionary
theory that states that,

01:03:18.065 --> 01:03:20.267
far from this picture
we've got of early hominids

01:03:20.301 --> 01:03:21.969
being, like, the great hunter,

01:03:22.002 --> 01:03:23.346
it's actually fact
that we were prey

01:03:23.370 --> 01:03:25.507
that helped propel
our development.

01:03:25.540 --> 01:03:28.142
And Arthur was saying
that it still happens today.

01:03:28.175 --> 01:03:30.978
He was saying that 50 people
a year in Tanzania

01:03:31.011 --> 01:03:32.246
get eaten by lions.

01:03:32.279 --> 01:03:36.016
And that, in this one village,
there's, like,

01:03:36.050 --> 01:03:39.086
a leopard that stands up out
of the tall grass, like that,

01:03:39.119 --> 01:03:42.089
and then when the villagers
come to chase it away,

01:03:42.122 --> 01:03:43.324
it'll circle round the back

01:03:43.357 --> 01:03:44.467
and it'll eat
a couple of the babies

01:03:44.491 --> 01:03:46.093
that have been left behind.

01:03:47.629 --> 01:03:48.797
That's really grim.

01:03:48.829 --> 01:03:51.865
I was thinking that as I was
saying it. It's a bit grim.

01:03:51.899 --> 01:03:54.201
- Maybe something else, then.
- Yeah.

01:03:54.234 --> 01:03:55.546
- Can you think of anything?
- Me?

01:03:55.570 --> 01:03:57.572
- Aye.
- Oh. Uh...

01:03:59.206 --> 01:04:01.643
Oh, Brexit, that happened, so...

01:04:01.676 --> 01:04:04.345
Let's just...
to the side of that, shall we?

01:04:04.378 --> 01:04:05.879
Oh, I just...

01:04:09.116 --> 01:04:10.050
Erm...

01:04:10.084 --> 01:04:13.354
- Your company. Yeah.
- My company collapsed.

01:04:13.387 --> 01:04:15.222
Well, I mean,
you were happy about it.

01:04:15.255 --> 01:04:18.560
Don't say that in front of...
I had to fire people.

01:04:18.593 --> 01:04:20.461
Oh, no, I don't mean...
I didn't mean...

01:04:20.494 --> 01:04:22.429
I'm not happy about it.
I've had to fire people,

01:04:22.463 --> 01:04:24.575
and I've lost my job, and
I've got no money coming in.

01:04:24.599 --> 01:04:26.500
- I'm not happy about it.
- Yeah.

01:04:26.534 --> 01:04:28.402
I'm being sanguine.
I'm sanguine about it.

01:04:28.435 --> 01:04:30.304
Yeah, I meant...
I meant sanguine.

01:04:31.105 --> 01:04:32.507
I meant sanguine.

01:04:35.142 --> 01:04:36.186
Maybe this is a bollocks idea...

01:04:36.210 --> 01:04:37.354
No, it's not a bollocks idea!

01:04:37.378 --> 01:04:38.646
- It might be.
- No, it's good.

01:04:38.680 --> 01:04:39.913
I like it.

01:04:39.947 --> 01:04:41.915
- You do?
- Yeah. Erm...

01:04:42.249 --> 01:04:43.384
Yeah.

01:04:45.252 --> 01:04:46.253
Uh...

01:04:46.987 --> 01:04:49.156
Oh, Maryama.

01:04:49.189 --> 01:04:53.661
Maryama, Mum's carer,
she's still hanging in there.

01:04:53.695 --> 01:04:55.563
- How is that positive?
- Well, she hasn't...

01:04:55.597 --> 01:04:56.807
The coronavirus
hasn't killed her yet.

01:04:56.831 --> 01:05:00.000
Don't think we even told them
that she'd got coronavirus.

01:05:00.033 --> 01:05:03.270
Oh, shit! Oh, yeah,
she got it really bad.

01:05:03.303 --> 01:05:04.405
Really bad, actually.

01:05:04.438 --> 01:05:06.541
And yet,
she hasn't died of it yet,

01:05:06.574 --> 01:05:08.576
so that's the positive.
What the fuck!

01:05:08.610 --> 01:05:09.577
I'm trying to...

01:05:09.611 --> 01:05:11.451
We're gonna need
to try a lot harder than that.

01:05:11.478 --> 01:05:12.723
It's your idea.
Why don't you think of...

01:05:12.747 --> 01:05:14.516
Why don't we get married, then?

01:05:16.450 --> 01:05:18.553
- What?
- You know, let's fucking...

01:05:20.588 --> 01:05:22.055
fucking...

01:05:23.190 --> 01:05:24.458
Let's fucking...

01:05:25.660 --> 01:05:27.060
get married, then.

01:05:31.533 --> 01:05:33.133
Are you proposing to me?

01:05:33.635 --> 01:05:34.636
Yep.

01:05:36.036 --> 01:05:38.305
- Yeah, actually I am.
- Right.

01:05:40.274 --> 01:05:42.009
And your proposal is,

01:05:42.042 --> 01:05:44.178
"Let's fucking get... fucking...

01:05:44.211 --> 01:05:45.580
"Let's fucking get married,
then"?

01:05:45.613 --> 01:05:48.315
It's not Keats,
I'll give you that.

01:05:48.348 --> 01:05:50.618
Are you asking me that
to say something positive?

01:05:50.652 --> 01:05:52.186
- Is that...
- No.

01:05:54.288 --> 01:05:55.989
No.

01:05:56.023 --> 01:05:57.424
- Oh...
- No.

01:05:58.158 --> 01:06:00.394
Absolutely not. No.

01:06:02.463 --> 01:06:04.498
Maybe a wee bit.
I don't really know.

01:06:04.532 --> 01:06:05.432
Look, here's the thing,

01:06:05.466 --> 01:06:07.735
we've been through
all this stuff, right.

01:06:07.769 --> 01:06:09.671
And we are, you and I,

01:06:10.705 --> 01:06:12.105
still here.

01:06:15.743 --> 01:06:17.444
Wow.

01:06:17.478 --> 01:06:18.613
That is... I mean,

01:06:18.646 --> 01:06:21.348
that's the most romantic thing
anyone's ever said to me.

01:06:21.381 --> 01:06:23.183
Did you hear that in a song
or something?

01:06:23.217 --> 01:06:25.653
Look, I've been thinking
about it a lot. A lot.

01:06:25.687 --> 01:06:27.454
And I think that...

01:06:27.488 --> 01:06:30.324
I don't know how, right,
but somehow,

01:06:30.357 --> 01:06:32.359
- I probably love you.
- You probably love me?

01:06:32.392 --> 01:06:36.430
I love you. I fucking love you.

01:06:36.463 --> 01:06:39.233
And I know that doesn't
make much sense 'cause...

01:06:39.266 --> 01:06:40.426
I kind of hate you as well...

01:06:41.435 --> 01:06:43.036
or I've spent
a lot of time hating you,

01:06:43.070 --> 01:06:44.772
but I don't think I do anymore.

01:06:46.373 --> 01:06:48.218
I think there's this chance
that we've somehow ended up

01:06:48.242 --> 01:06:52.145
in this place that is the love
that exists beyond hate.

01:06:53.781 --> 01:06:55.617
And the love
that exists beyond hate,

01:06:55.650 --> 01:06:58.051
not a lot of people
get to go there.

01:06:58.085 --> 01:07:00.420
It's a fucking peculiar place.

01:07:02.757 --> 01:07:03.791
It's unique.

01:07:06.260 --> 01:07:07.461
It's utterly rarefied

01:07:08.696 --> 01:07:10.497
and it's extremely beautiful.

01:07:11.866 --> 01:07:14.268
So, yeah,
I think we should probably...

01:07:15.402 --> 01:07:17.204
fucking marry.

01:07:24.344 --> 01:07:26.313
I'm just thinking that...

01:07:26.346 --> 01:07:28.148
Well, I'm just thinking
about my mental state

01:07:28.181 --> 01:07:29.216
right now, you know,

01:07:29.249 --> 01:07:30.494
because I've got a lot of anger,

01:07:30.518 --> 01:07:32.119
just a lot of hate and...

01:07:32.152 --> 01:07:33.555
No, because it's a timing...

01:07:33.588 --> 01:07:35.557
No, absolutely,
I totally understand.

01:07:35.590 --> 01:07:38.258
- But if we were to...
- Don't worry about it.

01:07:38.292 --> 01:07:40.227
If we were to forget that...

01:07:40.795 --> 01:07:42.496
If we were to do it...

01:07:45.332 --> 01:07:46.868
we would have to do it

01:07:46.901 --> 01:07:49.303
under the banners
of the auspices of...

01:07:49.336 --> 01:07:51.271
of rigorous honesty.

01:07:52.372 --> 01:07:53.741
Absolutely.

01:07:53.775 --> 01:07:55.175
What does that mean?

01:07:56.811 --> 01:07:58.111
Okay.

01:07:59.212 --> 01:08:00.582
Right.

01:08:03.150 --> 01:08:04.351
It was me.

01:08:07.154 --> 01:08:08.288
The mushrooms.

01:08:11.793 --> 01:08:14.461
I picked those mushrooms
and I think...

01:08:14.494 --> 01:08:16.396
I think I know
I picked them. And...

01:08:17.899 --> 01:08:20.768
I knew what I was doing,
and I did it to hurt you.

01:08:23.203 --> 01:08:25.640
And then I stayed with you
because you were poisoned.

01:08:27.174 --> 01:08:28.610
And then
Arthur came along, and...

01:08:29.677 --> 01:08:32.412
You know,
then we were just stuck...

01:08:33.815 --> 01:08:35.215
together.

01:08:46.828 --> 01:08:48.295
I know.

01:08:50.497 --> 01:08:51.498
What?

01:08:54.769 --> 01:08:55.870
I know.

01:08:58.673 --> 01:09:00.273
You know I picked the mushrooms?

01:09:00.307 --> 01:09:01.676
No.

01:09:01.709 --> 01:09:04.344
I know you think
you picked the mushrooms,

01:09:04.378 --> 01:09:06.714
but you didn't pick
the mushrooms

01:09:06.748 --> 01:09:08.716
because I picked the mushrooms.

01:09:15.255 --> 01:09:18.458
You were being such a dick,

01:09:18.492 --> 01:09:21.294
and I saw the mushrooms
and I thought,

01:09:21.328 --> 01:09:23.898
"Oh, I wonder
what that would be like"

01:09:23.931 --> 01:09:25.700
"to stick that in her fricassee"

01:09:25.733 --> 01:09:28.335
"and watch her fucking..."

01:09:28.368 --> 01:09:30.170
You know the rest,
you've said it before.

01:09:30.838 --> 01:09:32.540
But you ate them.

01:09:33.808 --> 01:09:35.877
Yeah, I forgot
that I picked them.

01:09:37.779 --> 01:09:39.212
Okay.

01:09:40.782 --> 01:09:43.450
- You were gonna poison me?
- Yeah.

01:09:44.886 --> 01:09:46.386
You were gonna poison me.

01:09:46.420 --> 01:09:48.956
No, I was just fantasizing
about poisoning you.

01:09:48.990 --> 01:09:49.857
What's the difference?

01:09:49.891 --> 01:09:52.492
The difference
is the fucking poisoning!

01:09:52.527 --> 01:09:54.562
It was me that got poisoned.

01:09:54.595 --> 01:09:56.564
And let's stop calling it
poisoning, okay?

01:09:56.597 --> 01:09:57.675
I mean, it doesn't kill you,

01:09:57.699 --> 01:10:01.268
it just hurts you badly, a bit.

01:10:01.301 --> 01:10:04.839
So you wanted to hurt me?
You wanted to hurt me badly?

01:10:06.473 --> 01:10:07.642
Yeah.

01:10:10.545 --> 01:10:11.546
Why?

01:10:14.414 --> 01:10:15.883
Why do you think?

01:10:18.986 --> 01:10:22.322
You walk around, giving it,
"I'm such a good person."

01:10:23.958 --> 01:10:24.926
"Look what a good person I am,"

01:10:24.959 --> 01:10:26.861
"look what I do
for my fellow human being."

01:10:26.894 --> 01:10:31.632
But you are horrible to me
every day.

01:10:33.333 --> 01:10:35.670
You are exactly the same to me.

01:10:35.703 --> 01:10:38.438
But I never despise you.

01:10:38.472 --> 01:10:41.909
I fucking hate you sometimes,
but I never despise you.

01:10:42.610 --> 01:10:44.377
That's not fair.

01:10:44.411 --> 01:10:46.013
What's fair?

01:10:46.047 --> 01:10:48.516
You said "honesty,"
you said that.

01:10:49.717 --> 01:10:52.954
You look down your nose at me,
you always have.

01:10:54.021 --> 01:10:56.456
You are not a good person.

01:10:56.490 --> 01:11:00.494
You just need to read
as a good person.

01:11:00.528 --> 01:11:01.863
See, the reason that you thought

01:11:01.896 --> 01:11:04.364
that you had poisoned me
for all those years

01:11:04.397 --> 01:11:06.534
is because
you are actually capable

01:11:06.567 --> 01:11:09.503
of doing that to me and more.

01:11:09.537 --> 01:11:12.339
At least I know when I'm being
a piece of shit, but you,

01:11:12.372 --> 01:11:14.041
you're just
a fucking shitty person

01:11:14.075 --> 01:11:15.877
that can't smell
their own fucking stink!

01:11:21.582 --> 01:11:23.985
Look, right...

01:11:25.620 --> 01:11:26.830
I think I went a bit far there,

01:11:26.854 --> 01:11:29.791
but the thing
to hold on to is that...

01:11:29.824 --> 01:11:32.425
that was actually
a proposal of marriage.

01:11:32.459 --> 01:11:33.861
Right?

01:12:30.518 --> 01:12:31.986
Do you remember Nathan?

01:12:33.120 --> 01:12:35.857
New Forest fudge weirdo Nathan?

01:12:37.424 --> 01:12:40.828
Well, Nathan is really good
at getting other people

01:12:40.862 --> 01:12:43.731
to do things for him,
hence the fudge.

01:12:43.764 --> 01:12:45.867
And what he's doing now

01:12:45.900 --> 01:12:48.603
is he's getting
people vaccinated, right,

01:12:48.636 --> 01:12:49.837
when it's not yet their turn.

01:12:51.038 --> 01:12:53.574
What he'll do
is he'll take you down there,

01:12:53.608 --> 01:12:54.876
just before close,

01:12:54.909 --> 01:12:56.110
and he'll ask that

01:12:56.143 --> 01:12:57.945
when they've got
a couple of vaccines left,

01:12:57.979 --> 01:12:59.580
instead of throwing them
in the bin,

01:12:59.614 --> 01:13:01.616
would they give them
to you instead, please.

01:13:01.649 --> 01:13:04.819
He's invariably told "no"
in very strong terms.

01:13:04.852 --> 01:13:05.953
And, by the way,

01:13:05.987 --> 01:13:08.421
he is not the only guy
down there doing this, right,

01:13:08.455 --> 01:13:10.067
there's a whole bunch
of those guys down there

01:13:10.091 --> 01:13:12.660
usually trying to get
vaccinated before their go.

01:13:12.693 --> 01:13:15.930
But, Nathan, right,
Nathan's got a secret weapon.

01:13:15.963 --> 01:13:20.167
See, he knows that
like a minute before close

01:13:20.201 --> 01:13:22.703
and they've got
a couple of vaccines left...

01:13:22.737 --> 01:13:24.171
I mean,
what healthcare professional

01:13:24.205 --> 01:13:25.373
wants to bin those.

01:13:25.405 --> 01:13:28.509
They're gonna come out and
they're gonna give them away,

01:13:28.542 --> 01:13:30.511
but when they see,
like, I don't know,

01:13:30.544 --> 01:13:33.881
10 of you sitting there
waiting for two vaccines,

01:13:33.915 --> 01:13:35.225
they're probably
gonna ask something

01:13:35.249 --> 01:13:36.684
along the lines of,

01:13:36.717 --> 01:13:39.820
"Do any of you work
with the vulnerable?"

01:13:39.854 --> 01:13:41.188
A second will go by

01:13:41.222 --> 01:13:42.455
and nobody will say anything

01:13:42.489 --> 01:13:43.533
because none of these arseholes

01:13:43.557 --> 01:13:44.692
actually do, do they?

01:13:44.725 --> 01:13:47.161
I mean, the real carers
are all getting it elsewhere.

01:13:47.194 --> 01:13:51.532
And another second goes by,
and 10 minds start to race.

01:13:51.565 --> 01:13:53.668
Then a third second goes by,

01:13:53.701 --> 01:13:55.603
and the smarter and, admittedly,

01:13:55.636 --> 01:13:56.847
more venally shitty
amongst the group

01:13:56.871 --> 01:13:59.774
start to realize that they're
only one dastardly lie away

01:13:59.807 --> 01:14:00.875
from getting vaccinated.

01:14:00.908 --> 01:14:03.244
See, by the time the fourth
second comes and goes,

01:14:03.277 --> 01:14:05.188
there's all these hands
jumping up in the air going,

01:14:05.212 --> 01:14:07.181
"I'm shite-icus,"
"No, I'm shite-icus."

01:14:07.214 --> 01:14:08.115
"No, I'm shite-icus."

01:14:08.149 --> 01:14:11.052
Anyway, that's what
Nathan does, right.

01:14:11.085 --> 01:14:12.620
He tells you this.

01:14:12.653 --> 01:14:14.255
He says, "Second they ask
that question",

01:14:14.288 --> 01:14:15.856
"you shoot your hand in the air,"

01:14:15.890 --> 01:14:17.490
"you tell your dastardly lie,"

01:14:17.525 --> 01:14:18.565
"you walk in the building"

01:14:18.592 --> 01:14:20.493
"and you get what you came for."

01:14:20.528 --> 01:14:22.462
It is not illegal,

01:14:23.664 --> 01:14:26.901
but it's murky as fuck. And...

01:14:26.934 --> 01:14:29.003
See, when I find out that she...

01:14:30.604 --> 01:14:32.807
is talking to Nathan...

01:14:36.577 --> 01:14:38.746
Things between us have been

01:14:38.779 --> 01:14:41.649
not good since
the mushroom admission.

01:14:43.184 --> 01:14:45.686
Fuck me,
this whole month she's...

01:14:45.720 --> 01:14:48.589
So her job, right, her job...

01:14:48.622 --> 01:14:50.691
She's always giving it
the extra hours.

01:14:50.725 --> 01:14:51.868
And I'm always saying to her,

01:14:51.892 --> 01:14:55.529
"Oh, you need to get paid
for that, it's not a charity."

01:14:55.563 --> 01:14:57.565
Which is funny,
because it is a charity.

01:14:57.598 --> 01:15:00.234
And she's usually
in there till like

01:15:00.267 --> 01:15:03.070
seven, eight, nine o'clock
at night, whenever.

01:15:03.104 --> 01:15:05.706
But see now, five o'clock comes,

01:15:05.740 --> 01:15:07.041
boom, she'll end the Zoom.

01:15:07.074 --> 01:15:09.543
It could be middle of a meeting,

01:15:09.577 --> 01:15:10.644
boom, ends the Zoom.

01:15:10.678 --> 01:15:14.582
Middle of a sentence, boom,
ends the Zoom, right.

01:15:14.615 --> 01:15:16.650
She won't return
her sister's calls.

01:15:16.684 --> 01:15:18.285
See, when I asked her why,
she goes,

01:15:18.319 --> 01:15:20.254
"I have got no intention
of wasting"

01:15:20.287 --> 01:15:22.223
"any more of my life
on other people."

01:15:23.290 --> 01:15:25.259
She won't even fight with me.

01:15:25.292 --> 01:15:27.561
She just fucking walks
out the room.

01:15:27.595 --> 01:15:30.031
I mean, the only person

01:15:30.064 --> 01:15:31.832
she's got any time for
is little Artie.

01:15:31.866 --> 01:15:33.334
And even then,

01:15:33.367 --> 01:15:35.970
I sometimes catch her
looking at him

01:15:36.003 --> 01:15:38.243
when she's playing with him,
and I know she's thinking...

01:15:39.240 --> 01:15:41.208
"All those years..." you know.

01:15:44.078 --> 01:15:45.813
You going up the stairs, pal?

01:15:48.716 --> 01:15:51.318
Doing funny things to me,
all this, you know.

01:15:51.352 --> 01:15:54.155
That and the collapse
of my company.

01:15:54.188 --> 01:15:56.924
I used to think, you know,
you lose your job,

01:15:58.059 --> 01:15:59.794
you bounce back.

01:15:59.827 --> 01:16:02.930
You fall down, you get back
up again, you know.

01:16:02.963 --> 01:16:09.170
But I can't seem to get up,
you know what I mean?

01:16:11.872 --> 01:16:14.041
I'm biting my fingernails.

01:16:15.142 --> 01:16:17.211
I can't stop
ordering fruit online.

01:16:18.646 --> 01:16:20.848
I cried in the bath yesterday.

01:16:22.183 --> 01:16:23.784
The bath.

01:16:23.818 --> 01:16:26.854
I mean, I never cry,
but the bath?

01:16:26.887 --> 01:16:29.657
It's fucking pathetic. So...

01:16:29.690 --> 01:16:31.959
it's safe to say, that I am...

01:16:33.294 --> 01:16:36.030
bit of a mess over here
right now, you know.

01:16:37.865 --> 01:16:41.135
She's off getting the old,
you know what, with Nathan

01:16:41.168 --> 01:16:42.937
and I thought,

01:16:42.970 --> 01:16:44.972
"I'll take my mind off it,
I'll keep myself busy."

01:16:45.005 --> 01:16:48.042
So I'm doing the katsu curry
aubergine tonight.

01:16:48.075 --> 01:16:49.643
I got all the ingredients.

01:16:49.677 --> 01:16:52.880
Got them down the same
Tesco local as before.

01:16:52.913 --> 01:16:54.648
You know, I don't think
I've been in there

01:16:54.682 --> 01:16:56.984
since before the first lockdown.

01:16:57.017 --> 01:16:59.153
It's so different
in there now, though.

01:16:59.186 --> 01:17:02.823
You know, all the
hand sanitizer, face masks.

01:17:02.857 --> 01:17:05.059
The last time I was in there,
it was picked clean.

01:17:05.092 --> 01:17:08.028
It was like a 7-Eleven
in a disaster movie.

01:17:08.062 --> 01:17:11.365
But now, it's just brimming
with produce and...

01:17:11.398 --> 01:17:14.235
Just like everything
is just dandy.

01:17:14.268 --> 01:17:17.671
And the punters
are walking about

01:17:17.705 --> 01:17:19.340
like they don't give a shit.

01:17:19.373 --> 01:17:21.008
And there's this one guy, right,

01:17:21.041 --> 01:17:23.144
my God, this fucking guy.

01:17:24.111 --> 01:17:26.213
Late 20s, right,

01:17:26.247 --> 01:17:29.383
jogging gear, earphones in,

01:17:29.416 --> 01:17:33.254
shopping in a basket,
no mask, like, at all.

01:17:33.287 --> 01:17:36.824
And I'm looking around
and nobody's stopping him.

01:17:36.857 --> 01:17:38.926
I'm, like... This guy, he just,

01:17:38.959 --> 01:17:42.263
he does not give a fuck, right.

01:17:42.296 --> 01:17:44.932
So, anyway, he's in baked goods,

01:17:44.965 --> 01:17:47.134
right, and he's standing

01:17:47.168 --> 01:17:48.903
with all the bread
in front of him,

01:17:48.936 --> 01:17:50.905
and there's a woman below him,

01:17:50.938 --> 01:17:52.106
she's got the uniform on

01:17:52.139 --> 01:17:53.250
and she's stacking pita bread,

01:17:53.274 --> 01:17:56.777
and he's over her like this,
right, like, like that.

01:17:56.810 --> 01:17:58.088
And I'm looking at him,
I'm going,

01:17:58.112 --> 01:17:59.980
"You are too close to her, pal."

01:18:00.014 --> 01:18:01.191
"What the fuck
is wrong with you?"

01:18:01.215 --> 01:18:02.249
"Do you not get this?"

01:18:02.283 --> 01:18:03.494
Because she's not got
any choice,

01:18:03.518 --> 01:18:04.752
but to be there, does she?

01:18:04.785 --> 01:18:06.854
And this guy, he goes...

01:18:06.887 --> 01:18:11.058
Like, he decides, "I am gonna
have a walnut loaf bloomer."

01:18:11.091 --> 01:18:12.469
I mean, he needs to get it,
doesn't he?

01:18:12.493 --> 01:18:15.296
He's probably gonna fucking
die if he doesn't get it.

01:18:15.329 --> 01:18:20.034
So he does this. He leans in.
Like, he leans in, like...

01:18:20.067 --> 01:18:21.835
Like that, like...

01:18:21.869 --> 01:18:24.071
Fuck's sake.
Like that, like, close to her

01:18:24.104 --> 01:18:26.006
and she's, like, here,
right, going,

01:18:26.040 --> 01:18:28.175
"Oh, my God, what is this?
What is this?"

01:18:28.209 --> 01:18:30.044
She can feel it

01:18:30.077 --> 01:18:33.147
because this is close
for normal times, right,

01:18:33.180 --> 01:18:35.049
I mean, like,
borderline inappropriate,

01:18:35.082 --> 01:18:38.485
but these days, with no mask,
I mean...

01:18:38.520 --> 01:18:40.487
Fuck me. So this guy, right,

01:18:40.522 --> 01:18:42.756
he goes, "Hmm." He goes...

01:18:42.790 --> 01:18:46.126
Reaches in...
Face, like, there, right.

01:18:46.160 --> 01:18:48.896
Pulls out
his walnut loaf bloomer,

01:18:48.929 --> 01:18:52.132
gives it a squeeze, actually.
"No, not that one."

01:18:52.166 --> 01:18:54.435
He puts it back,
reaches in for another.

01:18:54.468 --> 01:18:56.971
She's there, breathing.
Brings it out...

01:18:58.305 --> 01:18:59.773
"Oh, yes, lovely."

01:18:59.807 --> 01:19:02.843
And he jogs on.
And I am fucking, like...

01:19:02.876 --> 01:19:07.114
I'm fucking fuming, right,
I mean, I'm raging, boiling.

01:19:07.147 --> 01:19:08.249
I'm so full of this stuff

01:19:08.282 --> 01:19:10.417
that I find myself in front
of this woman, right...

01:19:10.451 --> 01:19:12.786
'Cause I've gotta say
something to this woman.

01:19:12.820 --> 01:19:14.421
And it's her.

01:19:16.824 --> 01:19:20.894
The woman I shouted at.
It's the woman I humiliated.

01:19:20.928 --> 01:19:23.130
She's got her mask on,
but I can tell it's her.

01:19:23.163 --> 01:19:26.000
And she knows it's me, right.

01:19:26.033 --> 01:19:28.902
And she just goes,
"Can I help you, sir?"

01:19:31.438 --> 01:19:33.107
And I've got nothing...

01:19:38.078 --> 01:19:39.880
until finally...

01:19:42.249 --> 01:19:43.518
"I'm sorry."

01:19:45.019 --> 01:19:47.388
"I'm so sorry."

01:19:47.421 --> 01:19:49.557
She goes,
"What are you sorry for, sir?"

01:19:51.025 --> 01:19:53.193
And I can't say 'cause...

01:19:53.227 --> 01:19:55.563
'cause I just fucking can't,
can I?

01:19:55.597 --> 01:20:00.801
So instead I go,
"Thank you for this."

01:20:01.569 --> 01:20:03.304
"For everything."

01:20:03.337 --> 01:20:05.573
"For all you do,
for keeping us all going."

01:20:07.041 --> 01:20:10.077
"For the risks you take,
and for what you are."

01:20:10.110 --> 01:20:11.378
She goes, "What am I, sir?"

01:20:12.547 --> 01:20:14.882
And I go,

01:20:14.915 --> 01:20:18.586
"You're a hero. You are a hero."

01:20:18.620 --> 01:20:19.863
And she goes, "I'm just somebody"

01:20:19.887 --> 01:20:21.922
"that needs a job, sir."

01:20:21.955 --> 01:20:24.358
And by this point,
I'm kind of crying, right,

01:20:24.391 --> 01:20:28.329
I mean, not actually,
but inside.

01:20:28.362 --> 01:20:31.098
And I wanna give this woman
something, so I say...

01:20:32.933 --> 01:20:35.269
"It's gonna be different."

01:20:35.302 --> 01:20:37.204
She goes,
"What will be different?"

01:20:37.237 --> 01:20:39.607
And I say, "The world."

01:20:39.641 --> 01:20:43.110
"People like you,
you're gonna be valued.

01:20:43.143 --> 01:20:45.479
"We won't go back
to the way it was,"

01:20:45.513 --> 01:20:46.980
"valuing the wrong things,"

01:20:47.014 --> 01:20:51.653
"like CEOs, or magazines,
or brand influencers,"

01:20:51.686 --> 01:20:53.153
"people whose jobs
aren't important."

01:20:53.187 --> 01:20:55.456
She goes,
"People like you, you mean?"

01:20:58.392 --> 01:21:00.528
"Yeah. Yeah, people like me."

01:21:03.097 --> 01:21:04.632
"It's gonna change."

01:21:06.266 --> 01:21:08.302
"We'll remember."

01:21:08.335 --> 01:21:11.639
She goes,
"No, you won't. You'll forget."

01:21:11.673 --> 01:21:13.073
"And the world
isn't gonna change."

01:21:15.677 --> 01:21:18.912
And I don't say anything because

01:21:18.946 --> 01:21:20.314
I think she might be right.

01:21:22.416 --> 01:21:24.218
I know she's right.

01:21:26.253 --> 01:21:29.323
She goes, "Can I help you
with anything else, sir?"

01:21:31.158 --> 01:21:33.862
And I want to say
something that matters.

01:21:36.598 --> 01:21:39.534
I wanna say the one thing
in my life that matters

01:21:39.567 --> 01:21:42.936
and I wanna say it to her,
right now,

01:21:42.970 --> 01:21:45.439
but the only thing in my life
that matters has gone.

01:21:48.610 --> 01:21:50.678
So I just shake my head,
you know what I mean.

01:21:50.712 --> 01:21:53.147
And she goes back
to stocking pita bread

01:21:53.180 --> 01:21:54.948
and quietly saving all our lives

01:21:54.982 --> 01:21:56.684
for just above minimum wage.

01:21:56.718 --> 01:21:58.419
And...

01:22:13.535 --> 01:22:14.636
I'm not a shitty person.

01:22:16.136 --> 01:22:18.372
I know. I was just reacting

01:22:18.405 --> 01:22:20.441
- when I said that.
- All the time.

01:22:20.474 --> 01:22:23.277
I'm not a shitty person
all the time.

01:22:25.012 --> 01:22:26.280
But I am sometimes.

01:22:28.048 --> 01:22:30.618
And you are not a good person.

01:22:32.052 --> 01:22:34.054
Well, most of the time,

01:22:35.122 --> 01:22:37.625
very much, really, at all.

01:22:37.659 --> 01:22:39.527
But you are sometimes.

01:22:39.561 --> 01:22:41.629
Thank you, I suppose.

01:22:53.140 --> 01:22:55.008
I... I need to make, erm...

01:22:56.276 --> 01:22:57.488
I've been thinking
about this a lot

01:22:57.512 --> 01:22:59.213
and I need to make a...

01:23:01.181 --> 01:23:03.718
People are... are like,
"When we get back to normal,"

01:23:03.751 --> 01:23:05.061
"'When it all gets back
to normal."

01:23:05.085 --> 01:23:06.119
"It'll soon be normal."

01:23:06.153 --> 01:23:09.122
I don't wanna go back
to normal. I really don't.

01:23:09.156 --> 01:23:12.192
I mean, what is so great
about the way things were?

01:23:12.226 --> 01:23:15.262
Just at each other's throats.
We were just...

01:23:15.295 --> 01:23:17.397
Everyone just
at each other's throats

01:23:17.431 --> 01:23:19.433
over the slightest thing,
all the time.

01:23:19.466 --> 01:23:22.436
And I need to make

01:23:23.403 --> 01:23:25.673
a really drastic change.

01:23:26.641 --> 01:23:28.108
Do you understand?

01:23:28.843 --> 01:23:30.043
Yeah.

01:23:31.345 --> 01:23:33.681
Yeah, I think I do.

01:23:34.649 --> 01:23:37.217
I just want a new life.

01:23:37.251 --> 01:23:40.588
You know, I can't go back to
the old one, I really can't.

01:23:40.622 --> 01:23:43.791
And to do that,
I need to make a drastic...

01:23:43.825 --> 01:23:46.226
No, no, no. Look, it's fine.
It's absolutely fine.

01:23:46.260 --> 01:23:48.295
I completely understand. 100%.

01:23:49.764 --> 01:23:51.633
- Are you crying?
- I'm not crying.

01:23:51.666 --> 01:23:53.601
I'm not fucking crying, okay!

01:23:53.635 --> 01:23:56.604
- That's crying. Why are you...
- No, I'm not...

01:23:56.638 --> 01:23:59.641
Why do you think?
Right, I'm broken up!

01:23:59.674 --> 01:24:01.609
'Course I'm gonna fucking cry.

01:24:01.643 --> 01:24:03.310
This, what we're doing,

01:24:03.343 --> 01:24:05.245
doesn't mean nothing
to me, okay?

01:24:05.279 --> 01:24:06.814
And I get it, I really do.
I get it.

01:24:06.848 --> 01:24:08.850
Maybe this is the smartest
thing we've ever done

01:24:08.883 --> 01:24:11.786
and we should have done it
years ago, but I'm not some

01:24:11.819 --> 01:24:13.186
frozen-hearted ice queen

01:24:13.220 --> 01:24:14.364
with a heart
of rotten granite, am I?

01:24:14.388 --> 01:24:16.189
Why have you got
Arthur's jacket on?

01:24:16.223 --> 01:24:17.625
Fuck's sake!

01:24:19.159 --> 01:24:21.461
Look, let's...

01:24:21.495 --> 01:24:24.431
Let's split up.
Okay, let's do it,

01:24:24.464 --> 01:24:27.835
but it really hurts me.

01:24:27.869 --> 01:24:29.704
And I'm gonna fucking cry

01:24:30.638 --> 01:24:33.240
and you're gonna fucking watch.

01:24:37.912 --> 01:24:39.212
We're not splitting up.

01:24:40.682 --> 01:24:41.716
What?

01:24:41.749 --> 01:24:43.250
We're not splitting up.

01:24:43.283 --> 01:24:44.394
Why do you think
we're splitting up?

01:24:44.418 --> 01:24:45.461
You just said that we were...

01:24:45.485 --> 01:24:47.487
I did not say
we're splitting up.

01:24:47.522 --> 01:24:48.623
What did you say, then?

01:24:48.656 --> 01:24:52.125
I said,
"Let's not get married." I...

01:24:52.159 --> 01:24:54.729
- No, you didn't.
- That's all I said.

01:24:54.762 --> 01:24:57.532
I did say,
"Let's not get married."

01:24:57.565 --> 01:24:58.600
- I...
- No, you didn't.

01:24:58.633 --> 01:25:00.300
You never said
the word "marriage."

01:25:00.334 --> 01:25:02.254
The word "marriage"
never came out of your mouth.

01:25:04.304 --> 01:25:06.741
Didn't I?

01:25:06.774 --> 01:25:08.843
- That's what I meant.
- That's what you meant?

01:25:08.876 --> 01:25:11.178
I meant let's not get...

01:25:11.211 --> 01:25:13.648
I meant "let's not
get married, let's not..."

01:25:13.681 --> 01:25:15.883
I didn't mean, not,
"let's not be together."

01:25:17.250 --> 01:25:18.820
I meant "let's not get married."

01:25:18.853 --> 01:25:21.288
I mean, what the fuck
were you thinking anyway?

01:25:21.321 --> 01:25:23.361
What's going through your
head? Were you watching...

01:25:24.491 --> 01:25:27.494
watching fucking <i>Bridgerton</i>
or something? I just...

01:25:27.528 --> 01:25:31.532
I'm saying... I am saying,
"let's be together."

01:25:32.432 --> 01:25:34.769
Okay? But just in a nice way!

01:25:37.237 --> 01:25:39.172
If we possibly can.

01:25:44.946 --> 01:25:49.416
Everyone's really angry
at each other all the time,

01:25:49.449 --> 01:25:51.451
but we're all the same.

01:25:51.485 --> 01:25:53.286
We're all wearing
the same clothes,

01:25:53.320 --> 01:25:54.589
we're eating the same food,

01:25:54.622 --> 01:25:56.456
we're listening
to the same music,

01:25:56.490 --> 01:25:58.693
we're drinking
the same stupid drinks,

01:25:58.726 --> 01:26:00.494
we're watching
the same programs.

01:26:00.528 --> 01:26:02.930
Just the entire human race

01:26:02.964 --> 01:26:05.432
is, like,
running towards each other

01:26:05.465 --> 01:26:06.510
at the speed of light, shouting,

01:26:06.534 --> 01:26:08.402
"Get the fuck away from me."
And I...

01:26:08.435 --> 01:26:10.370
I can't do that anymore.

01:26:10.404 --> 01:26:12.573
I'm not, not after all this.

01:26:12.607 --> 01:26:14.676
Hey, pal.
How you doing? You all right?

01:26:14.709 --> 01:26:16.978
Good wee boy. You gonna
go play? You go play.

01:26:17.011 --> 01:26:18.880
I'll get dinner ready.
Ten minutes, all right?

01:26:18.913 --> 01:26:20.724
Katsu curry aubergine,
just the way you like it.

01:26:20.748 --> 01:26:22.784
I actually found
a wee marinade online.

01:26:22.817 --> 01:26:24.384
I don't like aubergine.

01:26:26.319 --> 01:26:27.755
- What?
- What?

01:26:27.789 --> 01:26:29.524
I don't like aubergine.

01:26:31.926 --> 01:26:34.461
Fantastic. Fantastic.

01:26:34.494 --> 01:26:36.664
I will just chuck that
in the bin.

01:26:37.732 --> 01:26:38.733
Aah!

01:26:39.567 --> 01:26:40.601
Fuck's sake.

01:26:41.703 --> 01:26:43.638
Goodbye, aubergine.

01:26:43.671 --> 01:26:45.405
Hello, fish and chips.

01:26:47.307 --> 01:26:49.376
There's a dead parakeet
in the garden.

01:26:49.409 --> 01:26:51.411
- There's a dead parakeet?
- Yeah.

01:26:51.445 --> 01:26:53.447
- In our garden?
- Yeah.

01:26:53.480 --> 01:26:55.683
Are you sure it's a parakeet?

01:26:55.717 --> 01:26:57.885
I don't think you get
parakeets round here.

01:26:57.919 --> 01:27:00.955
- Can I bring it in?
- No. No. No, pal.

01:27:00.988 --> 01:27:04.324
Maybe just best
to leave it outside, eh?

01:27:04.357 --> 01:27:06.493
- I'll just watch it decompose.
- Yes.

01:27:06.527 --> 01:27:08.730
Or you can chuck it
in the bushes,

01:27:08.763 --> 01:27:11.032
let the foxes eat it.

01:27:11.065 --> 01:27:12.934
- That's good, too.
- Mm.

01:27:18.472 --> 01:27:21.509
- Are you two all right?
- Yes.

01:27:21.542 --> 01:27:23.678
Yeah. Yeah, we're great.

01:27:23.711 --> 01:27:25.479
- Yeah.
- We're really great.

01:27:27.347 --> 01:27:28.783
Hey.

01:27:38.726 --> 01:27:40.828
Here, why don't you go
and play outside, pal?

01:27:40.862 --> 01:27:42.697
Only be two secs, okay?

01:27:44.498 --> 01:27:46.433
I don't despise you.

01:27:48.069 --> 01:27:50.638
That's a terrible thing to say.

01:27:57.645 --> 01:27:58.980
I didn't get the vaccine.

01:28:00.882 --> 01:28:02.917
- Wait, what?
- No.

01:28:02.950 --> 01:28:07.387
Well, how... Okay. Okay.

01:28:07.420 --> 01:28:11.692
And it was because
of your stupid, moping face.

01:28:11.726 --> 01:28:14.896
You've been moping for weeks
since you found out. I mean...

01:28:15.863 --> 01:28:18.533
Who the fuck
are you to judge me?

01:28:18.566 --> 01:28:19.834
You!

01:28:22.469 --> 01:28:26.607
I was there with Nathan,
and I was ready and...

01:28:28.009 --> 01:28:29.677
A bloke comes out and says,

01:28:29.710 --> 01:28:32.412
"Is anyone here a carer
for the vulnerable?" And...

01:28:33.514 --> 01:28:35.382
your stupid, mopey face

01:28:35.415 --> 01:28:38.052
just came into my head,
and I walked away.

01:28:40.688 --> 01:28:42.890
I walked away
because I was worrying

01:28:42.924 --> 01:28:45.325
about what you would
think of me.

01:28:46.828 --> 01:28:47.995
Because of me?

01:28:49.597 --> 01:28:51.999
What I feel for you, it's...

01:28:53.100 --> 01:28:55.903
It's so weird.

01:28:55.937 --> 01:28:58.840
And it's infuriating
and irritating

01:28:58.873 --> 01:29:00.942
and really depressing sometimes,

01:29:00.975 --> 01:29:02.009
but it is a sort of love.

01:29:02.043 --> 01:29:06.479
Are you trying to say
you love me?

01:29:06.514 --> 01:29:10.017
No, I'm trying to say
I sort of love you.

01:29:12.653 --> 01:29:15.388
And I'm just asking you,
is that enough?

01:29:41.148 --> 01:29:43.751
Do you wanna go and see
a dead parakeet with me?

01:29:49.891 --> 01:29:51.058
Yeah.

01:29:52.994 --> 01:29:55.395
Yeah, I think I do, actually.

01:29:55.419 --> 01:30:06.419
Telegram Channel and Instagram Page
.:: @bollbolljan_com ::.