WEBVTT

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..:: Presented By ZarFilm Website ::..
.::  www.bolboljan.net ::.

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There's great wisdom in Jokes, Falk, really.

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There's an old Joke
about a prizefighter in the ring.

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He's getting his brains beat out.

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And his mother's in the audience,
and she's watching him getting beaten up.

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There's a priest next to her
and she says, "Father, pray for him."

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And the priest says, "I will,
but if he could punch, it would help."

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There's more insight in that Joke,

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into what I call the Giant So What

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than most books on philosophy.

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Women.

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Camus said that women are all
that we're ever going to know

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of paradise on earth.

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In your case, Falk,
there is a seminal Joke

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that Henny Youngman used to tell
that I think is perfect.

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It sums it up perfectly
as far as you go.

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Guy comes into a doctor's office.

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He says, "Doc, it hurts when I do this."

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The doctor says, "Don't do it."

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Think about that.

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That's David Dobel,
and I'm Jerry Falk.

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We spent many afternoons walking
and talking in the park.

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Did I know when I first met him
how nuts he was?

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We met at the office of some so-called
intellectual comedian's agent.

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We were comedy writers trying
to break into the business

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by writing nightclub routines for comics.

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The difference was,
I was 21 and he was 60.

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He wants truisms.
Not Just Jokes. Truisms.

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We can't afford the crazy prices
for the more established...

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Let me say this, if I may.

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I can't speak for David Dobel
because I don't handle him.

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In fact, Jerry and I Just met him now.

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But I've handled Jerry Falk
since he began, and with Jerry Falk,

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you get top-quality goods for your money.

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You can buy a suit and get
the same cut in a cheap fabric

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as you can in an expensive fabric.
Jerry gives you affordable fabric,

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a quality fabric, at affordable prices.
Is this gabardine?

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Who is that piece goods salesman
who handles you?

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Harvey? Don't ask.
My cross to bear.

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I'd love to dump him,
but I'm his only client.

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You pay that troll
ten percent of your salary?

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20. Actually, 25.
It's a long story.

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He was there for me
when my marriage broke up.

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Your... don't tell me
you got married young.

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You thought it would be exciting.
It turned out to be hebetudinous

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and you dumped her.
Am I right?

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You are not. She left me.
I can't leave anybody.

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It's my main problem in analysis.
I'm afraid to sleep alone. "Hebetudinous?"

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- You're in analysis already?
- Yes. Very committed, actually.

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I turned down some TV Jobs
in Los Angeles

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because my shrink felt
we weren't finished yet.

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You chose psychoanalysis over real life?

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Are you learning disabled?

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[Falk:] Obviously, you're not familiar
with analysis.

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Wrong. I'm completely familiar with it.

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Similar hustlers tried to fob it
off on me at Payne Whitney.

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- You were in Payne Whitney?
- That's right. A nuthouse.

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I was in the psycho ward
for six months,

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a vacation I don't look back on
with great nostalgia.

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Really?

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Relax.
You don't have to move away.

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Oh, no. I'm not suggesting
you were violent.

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But I was violent.
That's why they put you in a straitjacket.

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You were in a straitjacket?

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I'm not going to take an ax
and split your head open.

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- Don't be scared.
- I'm Just surprised.

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What happened?
Why were you there?

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I broke up with this girl,

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and they put me
with a psychiatrist who said,

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"Why did you get so depressed,

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"and do all those things you did?"
I said, "I wanted this girl and she left me."

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And he said,
"Well, we have to look into that."

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And I said, "There's nothing to look into!
I wanted her and she left me."

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And he said, "Well, why are you feeling
so intense?"

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And I said, "Cause I want the girl!"
And he said, "What's underneath it?"

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And I said, "Nothing!"

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He said, "I'll have to
give you medication."

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I said, "I don't want medication!
I want the girl!"

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And he said,
"We have to work this through."

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So, I took a fire extinguisher
from the casement

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and struck him across
the back of his neck.

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And before I knew it,
guys from Con Ed

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had Jumper cables in my head
and the rest was...

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Why are you in analysis?

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You're afraid to sleep alone.
What else?

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Fear of death.

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That's funny. I have that, too!
My dog has it.

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It's very common to living creatures.

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And I have rough patches
with my girlfriend.

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- You have a girlfriend?
- I am deeply in love.

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Really?

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Yes, with the most beautiful,
charming, sexy...

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- But there are rough patches.
- We'll get through them.

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But there are painful conflicts.

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She can be difficult.
But you'd love her. She's a knockout.

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- A knockout, but impossible.
- I never said impossible.

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- You did!
- Difficult. She can be difficult.

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Now she's difficult.
Soon, she'll be impossible.

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She's very supportive of my goals.
What are these goals?

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I want to write a novel.

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A novel about man's fate
in the empty universe.

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No god, no hope, Just human suffering
and loneliness.

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Stick to Jokes, that's where the money is.
Want a lift?

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No, I'm okay.
I'm meeting my girlfriend.

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Today is our anniversary.

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You know, maybe next week,
if you'd like,

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we could drive out to watch
that intellectual comedian

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parade his amphigories for us.

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Sure. That'd be great.

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It's funny. I was once in a cab...
this was years ago.

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And I was pouring my heart out
to the driver

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about all the stuff
you were prattling on about...

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life, death, the empty universe,

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the meaning of existence,
human suffering.

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And the cab driver said to me:

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"You know, it's like anything else."

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Think about that.

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He was a teacher who lived on
Roosevelt Island. Public school.

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Too frightened to quit
and write comedy full-time because,

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as he said,
he knew what it was to starve.

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"Amphigories"?
"Hebetudinous"?

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Meanwhile, I'm on my way
to meet Amanda.

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I'll be on time, she'll be late.

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She's late, she's disorganized.

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Incidentally, that's not our big problem.

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She drives me crazy,
but wait till you meet her.

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She is adorable!

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- Jerry!
- Amanda! Hey!

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- Am I late?
- Not if we go by Rocky Mountain time.

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Can you pay for the cab?
I forgot my wallet.

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Pay for the cab?
Are you getting the picture?

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You know, we did say 7:30.

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Sorry!

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It was pretty tough to get a reservation.

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- What's the matter?
- I'm in a bad mood.

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- I can see. Why?
- I did terribly at an audition today.

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You always think you did badly.

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I felt so confident until I got up to read,
then I completely froze.

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Don't obsess.
I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

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I'm my own worst enemy.
I could play that part in my sleep.

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I know you can.
Just calm down.

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We'll go have a good dinner.
We'll have wine, you can relax.

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I got to tell you about this character I met.
He's fascinating.

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Don't be mad at me, but I ate.

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You ate?

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I was starving when I got back
from the audition,

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so I had a little sliver
of that Sara Lee cheesecake.

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Then I had another one.
You know what I'm like when I get started.

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Pretty soon, I'd eaten the whole cake.

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You ate the whole
Sara Lee cheesecake?

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Then I figured, what the hell!
I finished the spaghetti in the refrigerator,

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ate that last lobster tail
and heated up a chicken pot pie.

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Is there any furniture
left in the house?

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I'm so fat, it's disgusting.

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How could you eat before dinner?

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I'm sorry. I was so angry at myself
for screwing up.

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I couldn't help it.

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I reserved a corner booth.

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It's okay. You can order and I'll get
a club soda. I'm dieting anyway.

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I can't take their best booth
with Just one of us eating.

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It's not nice.

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- It's fine.
- No, it's not.

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It's dinner hour.
The restaurant's Jam-packed.

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How does it look?

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Why do you always care
what other people think?

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It's embarrassing
if just one of us eats.

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Okay. I'll order a meal
and I Just won't eat it.

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I can't do that.

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So order me a steak,
I'll get a doggie bag,

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and it'll be my insomnia snack.

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What kind of anniversary dinner is that?

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"Can I have one dinner, and can you
put a steak in a doggie bag?"

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I thought we'd sit over some wine

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and I'd look in your eyes and
tell you how beautiful you are.

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I'm not beautiful. I'm fat.

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Okay, I'll cancel the reservation.

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Let's go home. I'll make myself
some eggs or something.

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There are no more eggs.
I ate them.

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[Amanda:] What are you doing?

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I made myself a sandwich.
There were some cans of tuna left.

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Thank God she hasn't learned how to use
the new electric can opener yet.

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My mother's moving in with us.

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- What?
- I'm so angry at her.

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Wait a minute.
Did I miss something?

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She left her boyfriend.

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What happened?
I thought she was finally settled.

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What happened is she's Madame Bovary.

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She's married to a Park Avenue doctor
and that's too dull for her.

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Then there's Tom,
the money market maven,

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and Perry, the travel agent guy.
But, no, she wants more.

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More? More what?

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I'm sure she doesn't know.
More fantasies.

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Her youth back.

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She wants to "fulfill her life
before it's too late."

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- Those are her words.
- Why is she coming here?

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She has no money.
She has nowhere else to go.

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Amanda, we have no room.
There's no room here.

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I figured we'll put a bed in the office.

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In the office, Amanda?
That's where I write.

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That's where I create.
My whole world is in there.

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You can create in the living room.

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In the...? No, Amanda.
Everything is in there, okay?

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That's my space.
It's where I write.

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All of my rituals
revolve around my space.

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- I can't...
- She's my mother.

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- She's not staying in a shelter.
- Why didn't you tell me earlier?

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- I didn't want to ruin your dinner.
- My anniversary tuna fish sandwich?

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You're making matters worse, okay?
You're giving me a migraine.

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[Phone rings]
Hello.

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I'll only be a minute.
When I left you, I ran into Danny Wax.

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He said the baby-sitter routine
you wrote for him is not working.

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There are no laughs.
Not one laugh in that routine.

00:14:00.869 --> 00:14:04.100
People are sitting with stone faces.

00:14:04.169 --> 00:14:08.333
The routine is fine.
The guy's Just in the wrong profession.

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That's what I told him. I said, "Danny,
you've been around for a long time.

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"You think there's a reason
you never made it?"

00:14:17.269 --> 00:14:19.601
No tact.
None. None.

00:14:19.670 --> 00:14:24.334
I said to him, "Danny, a man buys a suit.

00:14:24.404 --> 00:14:26.736
"He says he's happy with it.

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"Then he sees another suit.

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Suddenly he doesn't want
the suit he's got!

00:14:31.837 --> 00:14:36.467
"He wants a new suit.
He's not happy with the old one."

00:14:36.537 --> 00:14:39.506
Right, yeah.
Listen, I'm a little busy now.

00:14:39.571 --> 00:14:41.402
Can I ring you back?

00:14:41.471 --> 00:14:45.567
I was up to NBC.
There is nothing doing up there.

00:14:45.637 --> 00:14:48.333
Not right now.
Things being equal, they'll change.

00:14:48.404 --> 00:14:52.773
Right now they're not equal.
I'd like to have lunch with you this week.

00:14:52.838 --> 00:14:55.432
I need a business thing done.
We have to talk.

00:14:55.505 --> 00:14:57.666
I got a business thing to discuss.

00:14:57.737 --> 00:15:02.231
What kind of business?
What do you mean?

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There's nothing to get anxious about.
It's about the future.

00:15:05.505 --> 00:15:07.769
Good-bye.

00:15:09.238 --> 00:15:12.298
Jerry, do you think I'm fat?

00:15:12.371 --> 00:15:14.896
I think you're amazing-looking.

00:15:14.972 --> 00:15:17.463
You're Just used to the losers
you dated before me.

00:15:17.538 --> 00:15:20.632
Losers? Not all of them were losers.

00:15:20.705 --> 00:15:23.640
What is behind your back?
Something for me?

00:15:23.705 --> 00:15:26.538
- This is for you. Happy anniversary.
- Happy anniversary.

00:15:26.606 --> 00:15:29.939
You have to forgive the wrapping.

00:15:30.005 --> 00:15:32.303
I lost my temper
when I couldn't get it even.

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I can tell. Not exactly a work of art,
but I forgive you.

00:15:36.073 --> 00:15:37.438
Open, open.

00:15:37.506 --> 00:15:41.101
- I think I know what these are.
- Do you?

00:15:41.173 --> 00:15:43.403
These are the earrings from downtown!

00:15:43.473 --> 00:15:45.441
I couldn't not get them for you.

00:15:45.507 --> 00:15:48.943
You look so good
in those kind of earrings.

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Do I?

00:15:50.973 --> 00:15:53.032
Beautiful.
Absolutely beautiful.

00:15:53.106 --> 00:15:56.633
- Thank you.
- You like them?

00:15:56.707 --> 00:16:01.076
You're the only one I've ever dated
who's known exactly what to get me.

00:16:01.140 --> 00:16:05.076
It's because you have
a special vision of me.

00:16:05.141 --> 00:16:07.905
"No Exit" and "The Flies."
Jean Paul Sartre.

00:16:07.974 --> 00:16:10.704
That's amazing. Thank you.

00:16:10.774 --> 00:16:12.264
It was between that and O'Neill.

00:16:12.341 --> 00:16:15.538
I couldn't decide whose
nihilistic pessimism made you happier.

00:16:15.608 --> 00:16:18.338
I think it was Tennessee Williams

00:16:18.408 --> 00:16:21.866
who said that the opposite of death
is desire.

00:16:22.808 --> 00:16:26.145
[Falk:] And I desired you
from the first moment we met.

00:16:26.307 --> 00:16:29.799
I could live down here.
It's so beautiful.

00:16:29.875 --> 00:16:33.868
It is. It's very pretty.
I don't know about living down here.

00:16:33.941 --> 00:16:39.004
I like to visit, but I like to go home
to the Upper East Side.

00:16:39.075 --> 00:16:44.103
You wouldn't consider it?
After we get married, move to the Village.

00:16:44.175 --> 00:16:48.168
Why is marriage so important?
I Just got out of a marriage.

00:16:48.242 --> 00:16:51.643
Just because we get
a signed piece of paper?

00:16:51.709 --> 00:16:53.836
You moved in with me.
We're a couple, right?

00:16:53.909 --> 00:16:57.970
Yes, we moved in together.
We've been dating over a year now.

00:16:58.042 --> 00:17:00.135
I guess I'm old-fashioned.

00:17:00.209 --> 00:17:04.202
I know. All your girlfriends
are getting married...

00:17:04.276 --> 00:17:07.177
- Falk, what's up?
- Bob, how are you?

00:17:07.243 --> 00:17:09.905
Bob, this is Brooke.
Brooke, Bob Stiles.

00:17:09.976 --> 00:17:11.705
- How's it going?
- Falk and Brooke.

00:17:11.776 --> 00:17:14.745
This is Amanda.
This is Falk.

00:17:14.810 --> 00:17:16.539
This is Brooke.

00:17:17.810 --> 00:17:19.971
So, what are you guys doing down here?

00:17:20.043 --> 00:17:23.137
She Just bought her dad
a ridiculous birthday present.

00:17:23.210 --> 00:17:27.010
You think it's ridiculous.
I think it's great.

00:17:27.077 --> 00:17:29.477
Let them see it.
Maybe I'm wrong.

00:17:29.543 --> 00:17:32.808
- Oh, that's a...
- A turn-of-the century stereopticon.

00:17:32.877 --> 00:17:34.276
You knew that.

00:17:34.344 --> 00:17:38.178
Wait. It's complete
with pornographic slides.

00:17:38.244 --> 00:17:41.008
- Isn't it wonderful?
- I think it's brilliant.

00:17:41.077 --> 00:17:43.477
[Bob:] Just what he needs,
antique pornography.

00:17:43.544 --> 00:17:45.944
I always thought you had
a little yen for your dad.

00:17:46.011 --> 00:17:46.943
Ha ha.

00:17:47.011 --> 00:17:50.003
Hey! We're going to a great
Indian restaurant tomorrow night.

00:17:50.078 --> 00:17:52.376
We want to invite you.
I've hyped you to Amanda.

00:17:52.444 --> 00:17:55.174
- You can only disappoint.
- That sounds great.

00:17:55.245 --> 00:17:58.339
- Are we busy tomorrow night?
- We're taking my parents out.

00:17:58.411 --> 00:18:01.039
But that was tentative, I thought.

00:18:01.111 --> 00:18:05.241
- You hate Indian food.
- "Hate." That's a strong word.

00:18:05.311 --> 00:18:07.677
I've wanted to give it a second chance

00:18:07.745 --> 00:18:11.545
since I realized how much you...
she loves tandoori chicken.

00:18:11.612 --> 00:18:15.070
- Come on. It'll be fun.
- I should give it another shot.

00:18:15.146 --> 00:18:19.014
What I love about Bogart
is that he's so intensely urban.

00:18:19.079 --> 00:18:23.482
The cigarette,
the five o'clock shadow.

00:18:23.546 --> 00:18:26.014
Always in some seedy nightclub.

00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:30.573
Didn't I say that exact same thing
about Frank Sinatra? Urban.

00:18:30.646 --> 00:18:33.706
Exactly. I even used the term.
That's...

00:18:33.779 --> 00:18:35.508
Where did you go to school?

00:18:35.579 --> 00:18:39.982
Ethical culture. Fieldstone.
Brandeis. But I dropped out.

00:18:40.046 --> 00:18:43.607
One of her professors
fell in love with her.

00:18:43.679 --> 00:18:46.443
It was terrible.
He was married.

00:18:46.513 --> 00:18:50.074
It was way too much pressure
for all of us. His poor wife!

00:18:50.147 --> 00:18:54.447
In addition to acting,
she's a very good singer.

00:18:54.514 --> 00:18:59.417
I try to sing, but then I hear someone
like Billie Holiday, and forget about it!

00:18:59.480 --> 00:19:02.347
She's your favorite!

00:19:02.413 --> 00:19:05.644
But you can't listen to the CD's, right?
They sterilize the sound.

00:19:05.714 --> 00:19:09.480
Didn't I say that?
I absolutely agree with you.

00:19:09.547 --> 00:19:12.744
It totally sterilizes...
that's so funny.

00:19:12.814 --> 00:19:16.841
Actually, someone told me
about this seedy record store

00:19:16.914 --> 00:19:21.283
that has all of her old recordings
on 78s and 33s.

00:19:21.348 --> 00:19:25.478
I'd love to know about it.
She is amazing.

00:19:26.348 --> 00:19:29.112
It's early.
Let's go to the Village Vanguard.

00:19:29.181 --> 00:19:33.345
Diana Krall is playing.
It should be a great show.

00:19:33.414 --> 00:19:37.908
I'll get so discouraged,
but I am dying to see her.

00:19:37.982 --> 00:19:40.644
- Great.
- You get up so early to write.

00:19:40.715 --> 00:19:44.583
Yeah, but I did most of my stuff
for tomorrow, so...

00:19:44.649 --> 00:19:47.447
- Should we? What do you...
- Yeah, sure.

00:19:47.516 --> 00:19:51.816
(music) Hide your heart from sight

00:19:51.883 --> 00:19:55.751
(music) Lock your dreams at night

00:19:55.816 --> 00:20:00.219
(music) It could happen to you

00:20:02.983 --> 00:20:06.441
(music) Don't count stars
Or you might stumble

00:20:10.350 --> 00:20:12.477
(music) Someone drops a sigh

00:20:12.550 --> 00:20:17.749
(music) And down you tumble

00:20:17.817 --> 00:20:22.151
(music) Keep an eye on spring

00:20:22.216 --> 00:20:26.346
(music) Run when church bells ring

00:20:26.416 --> 00:20:31.786
(music) It could happen to you

00:20:33.017 --> 00:20:36.077
She's so moving.

00:20:37.684 --> 00:20:41.814
I agree. She's totally moving.

00:20:41.885 --> 00:20:45.116
Absolutely.
You've captured her.

00:20:48.484 --> 00:20:51.612
[Applause]

00:20:53.318 --> 00:20:55.445
What was I saying?

00:20:55.518 --> 00:20:58.851
I'd love to take one of those boats
down the Amazon.

00:20:58.918 --> 00:21:01.011
It's supposed to be so beautiful.

00:21:01.085 --> 00:21:02.712
Not tonight?

00:21:04.918 --> 00:21:10.754
Of course not tonight.
I was... that's funny.

00:21:10.819 --> 00:21:15.415
But how thrilling that would be.
That would be so thrilling.

00:21:15.485 --> 00:21:18.113
You hate heat.
You hate mosquitoes.

00:21:18.186 --> 00:21:23.624
I hate malaria. It's malaria, remember?
I don't hate all mosquitoes.

00:21:23.685 --> 00:21:27.644
I want to see the parrots
and the giant butterflies.

00:21:27.719 --> 00:21:31.416
I've seen pictures in National Geographic.
They're gorgeous!

00:21:31.486 --> 00:21:35.479
Giant, huge...
And wild monkeys would be...

00:21:35.553 --> 00:21:39.649
Monkeys?
How much have you had to drink?

00:21:39.720 --> 00:21:41.415
Do you like snakes?

00:21:41.486 --> 00:21:43.454
Do I like snakes?

00:21:43.520 --> 00:21:47.616
Some people get queasy around them,
but I think they're beautiful.

00:21:47.686 --> 00:21:50.712
The way they move...
it's so sensual.

00:21:50.786 --> 00:21:55.246
So sen... I love snakes.
Cobras, for example.

00:21:55.320 --> 00:21:57.686
- Pythons.
- Naturally. Pythons.

00:21:57.754 --> 00:22:00.416
Garters. Rattlesnakes.
I love them all.

00:22:00.487 --> 00:22:04.753
- I cannot believe I'm hearing this.
- Oh, please.

00:22:04.821 --> 00:22:10.259
I've often said, often, that there's
nothing like a dense Jungle in the rain.

00:22:10.320 --> 00:22:12.550
- I've said this.
- [Brooke:] You're drunk.

00:22:12.621 --> 00:22:14.748
- That's not true.
- Speaking of rain,

00:22:14.821 --> 00:22:17.085
there's supposed to be
a hurricane tonight.

00:22:17.155 --> 00:22:19.783
We should rent a car
and drive to the Hamptons.

00:22:19.854 --> 00:22:22.721
- We could walk on the beach...
- He hates the Hamptons.

00:22:22.787 --> 00:22:24.812
Nobody hates the ocean.

00:22:24.888 --> 00:22:29.985
She's up for anything.
It's too late for me. I can't.

00:22:30.054 --> 00:22:32.989
Don't you have an audition tomorrow?

00:22:33.055 --> 00:22:36.923
"My candle burns at both ends,
it will not last the night."

00:22:36.989 --> 00:22:41.050
Millay! Edna Millay!
She's my favorite poet!

00:22:41.122 --> 00:22:44.683
Don't I quote her all the time?
Edna Millay...

00:22:46.256 --> 00:22:48.349
Amanda's pretty, isn't she?

00:22:50.089 --> 00:22:53.786
- She's okay, I suppose.
- You're drunk.

00:22:53.856 --> 00:22:56.017
I was looking at her face
in the candlelight

00:22:56.089 --> 00:23:00.958
and she has this offbeat sexual quality.

00:23:01.023 --> 00:23:04.288
Yeah, I guess.
Lf, uh, you know,

00:23:04.357 --> 00:23:07.849
if you find that crippling sense

00:23:07.923 --> 00:23:12.257
of passionate heat
behind those big eyes sexy.

00:23:12.323 --> 00:23:14.382
- Huh?
- Hmm?

00:23:14.457 --> 00:23:17.426
- Nothing.
- Bob's crazy about her.

00:23:17.490 --> 00:23:20.459
I got the whole story while you were
in the men's room throwing up.

00:23:20.524 --> 00:23:23.049
I'm fine.
Believe me, I'm okay.

00:23:23.123 --> 00:23:26.320
She moved in with him
and I get the feeling

00:23:26.390 --> 00:23:28.915
he is dying to marry her.

00:23:28.991 --> 00:23:32.290
- Oh, yeah?
- They make a nice couple.

00:23:32.358 --> 00:23:35.054
He's charming and very attractive.

00:23:35.124 --> 00:23:36.921
Are you okay?

00:23:36.991 --> 00:23:39.551
Yeah.

00:23:56.326 --> 00:23:59.727
Amanda? Hey, it's Jerry Falk.

00:23:59.792 --> 00:24:01.487
Good, good. You?

00:24:01.559 --> 00:24:06.496
Listen, I was Just about to go to
this old record store I found out about.

00:24:06.560 --> 00:24:10.257
I know you were interested
in picking up some Billie Holiday.

00:24:10.326 --> 00:24:15.320
I'm actually vaguely near your house,
so I thought that, um...

00:24:15.393 --> 00:24:18.692
I mean, if you and Bob are busy...

00:24:20.393 --> 00:24:25.854
Right. Of course. He would be at work.
What was I thinking?

00:24:25.927 --> 00:24:30.762
I could be there pretty soon.
Maybe, say, three minutes?

00:24:30.826 --> 00:24:34.956
Great. I'll meet you in front
of your place. Bye.

00:25:23.862 --> 00:25:25.489
These are great.

00:25:25.563 --> 00:25:30.091
Let me get you this Diana Krall record
as a present

00:25:30.162 --> 00:25:33.654
since I know how big of a fan you are.

00:25:33.729 --> 00:25:36.527
- Wasn't she great the other night?
- So great.

00:25:36.596 --> 00:25:39.895
I love that you appreciate old songs.
They're so pretty.

00:25:39.963 --> 00:25:42.397
I'd love to hear you sing sometime.

00:25:42.462 --> 00:25:45.898
I can't sing publicly.
I'm too fat.

00:25:45.963 --> 00:25:50.662
- Fat? I'm sorry. Did you say fat?
- But I have these great diet pills.

00:25:50.730 --> 00:25:54.860
They take away your appetite,
but increase your sexual drive.

00:25:56.931 --> 00:25:59.661
Is that how you met Bob?

00:25:59.730 --> 00:26:02.062
From his record company?

00:26:02.131 --> 00:26:05.066
No. He picked me up
in Central Park, actually.

00:26:05.131 --> 00:26:06.689
Oh, how funny.

00:26:06.764 --> 00:26:10.894
And you guys got...
seriously involved?

00:26:10.964 --> 00:26:14.297
No. He'd like to, but...

00:26:14.364 --> 00:26:16.423
I can't commit.

00:26:16.498 --> 00:26:18.625
I have a problem with commitment.

00:26:18.698 --> 00:26:23.192
I dream of meeting someone
who I'll want to give myself over to,

00:26:23.264 --> 00:26:25.892
where I'd be the one
hurt in the end.

00:26:25.965 --> 00:26:29.901
But it hasn't happened yet. You?

00:26:29.965 --> 00:26:31.364
Me neither.

00:26:31.431 --> 00:26:35.162
Um, unfortunately, same here.

00:26:35.232 --> 00:26:39.532
Brooke and I are in
the last stages, basically.

00:26:39.599 --> 00:26:41.123
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

00:26:41.199 --> 00:26:44.293
- She didn't give me that impression.
- She didn't?

00:26:44.365 --> 00:26:49.860
Well, that's strange, because that's
the only impression to give, really.

00:26:49.933 --> 00:26:53.596
Oh! Look at this, uh, record.
Cole Porter.

00:26:53.666 --> 00:26:57.830
This is a fantas...
really pretty songs on here.

00:26:57.899 --> 00:27:01.767
Let me get you this as a little present.
Can I do that?

00:27:01.832 --> 00:27:06.360
I was actually listening to this last night,
and I thought of you.

00:27:07.500 --> 00:27:10.367
You were listening to Cole Porter
and thought of me?

00:27:11.700 --> 00:27:14.134
You must really have a crush on me.

00:27:14.934 --> 00:27:17.232
I do?

00:27:17.300 --> 00:27:19.598
I'd say it's fatal.

00:27:31.034 --> 00:27:34.629
I'm sorry.
I, uh... I couldn't resist.

00:27:35.800 --> 00:27:38.633
Don't apologize.
I wanted you to.

00:27:38.701 --> 00:27:40.601
You did?

00:27:40.668 --> 00:27:43.865
Yes. I've had a crush on you
since we met.

00:27:43.935 --> 00:27:47.427
Couldn't you tell,
the way I was ignoring you?

00:27:47.501 --> 00:27:53.371
Well, there was something
compelling about your apathy.

00:27:53.435 --> 00:28:00.102
I thought you were sweet
and sensitive and vulnerable.

00:28:00.168 --> 00:28:02.534
And I could tell you liked me, too.

00:28:05.869 --> 00:28:08.394
I can't believe
I'm in love with a smoker.

00:28:09.735 --> 00:28:12.397
I don't want anyone to get hurt.

00:28:15.835 --> 00:28:18.804
Where were you?
It's 10:00.

00:28:18.869 --> 00:28:22.930
Where?
Well, um, I had a meeting to go to.

00:28:23.002 --> 00:28:25.129
- You smell from alcohol.
- I do?

00:28:25.203 --> 00:28:27.728
My God, your tongue is black!

00:28:27.802 --> 00:28:30.134
It is? Well, um...

00:28:30.203 --> 00:28:32.728
that's because I had some wine.

00:28:32.803 --> 00:28:35.135
Wine? Why?
It's not Passover.

00:28:35.203 --> 00:28:39.264
No. Uh, to celebrate.
Uh, the deal.

00:28:39.336 --> 00:28:40.826
What deal?

00:28:40.903 --> 00:28:45.067
I have to tell you, um, it looks like
I have a great opportunity

00:28:45.137 --> 00:28:47.605
to work for, for, um, a very,

00:28:47.670 --> 00:28:50.434
very funny, uh, puppet.

00:28:50.504 --> 00:28:53.564
It's, uh... remember I...

00:28:53.637 --> 00:28:56.003
Is this a woman's hair?

00:29:01.237 --> 00:29:04.968
Is this...
is this a woman's hair?

00:29:05.038 --> 00:29:09.134
I mean, it could be...

00:29:09.205 --> 00:29:11.503
I suppose.

00:29:11.571 --> 00:29:13.732
Possibly from, uh, the taxi.

00:29:13.804 --> 00:29:17.968
It was... I mean, I think, you know,
all the people in and out,

00:29:18.038 --> 00:29:20.632
I probably sat up in...

00:29:20.705 --> 00:29:24.266
I guess, the woman's hair.
I am exhausted.

00:29:24.338 --> 00:29:27.466
She asked me if I still love her.
What could I say?

00:29:27.538 --> 00:29:31.235
Why can't I tell her the truth?
I'm in love with Amanda.

00:29:31.305 --> 00:29:34.968
Why can't I tell her it's over?
Why can't I leave people?

00:29:35.039 --> 00:29:36.734
Tell me about your dream.

00:29:36.805 --> 00:29:39.433
The Cleveland Indians got jobs
at Toys R Us?

00:29:39.506 --> 00:29:41.974
Yeah. So what can it possibly mean?

00:29:42.039 --> 00:29:46.442
Look, I can't keep wasting my hour here
describing lunatic dreams.

00:29:46.506 --> 00:29:49.134
I have a date with Amanda.

00:29:49.206 --> 00:29:52.801
I can't keep running around town
on the sly and live like this.

00:29:52.873 --> 00:29:55.842
Amanda can handle it,
but I need help.

00:29:55.906 --> 00:29:59.899
What do I do? I have to
extricate myself from Brooke.

00:29:59.973 --> 00:30:03.033
It'll break her heart.
She wants to marry me!

00:30:06.873 --> 00:30:09.899
The guy will not talk.
I've been with him for three years.

00:30:09.973 --> 00:30:12.305
What comes to mind
about the Cleveland Indians?

00:30:12.373 --> 00:30:15.467
See? This is what I get.
I need a course of action,

00:30:15.540 --> 00:30:20.807
and he wants me to free-associate
about the Cleveland Indians.

00:30:20.874 --> 00:30:25.106
[Amanda:] I love doing it in hotels.
It's so illicit.

00:30:25.174 --> 00:30:29.372
Check yourself for shoulder-length hairs
in hard-to-Justify locations.

00:30:29.440 --> 00:30:32.932
I have to decide how to
let Brooke down gracefully.

00:30:33.007 --> 00:30:36.966
There's no rush.
I've been the other woman before.

00:30:37.041 --> 00:30:39.407
Bob wasn't upset when you told him?

00:30:39.474 --> 00:30:43.843
He was disappointed.
But I was honest about myself going in.

00:30:43.908 --> 00:30:47.844
Naturally, I didn't tell him
it was you I was in love with.

00:30:51.875 --> 00:30:52.967
Brooke...

00:30:53.042 --> 00:30:55.840
Don't give me that!
I don't believe you!

00:30:55.908 --> 00:31:00.004
Those are bite marks on your back.
You didn't fall on your comb!

00:31:01.510 --> 00:31:04.479
What are you thinking about?

00:31:04.543 --> 00:31:06.033
Everything.

00:31:06.109 --> 00:31:10.341
When we first met,
when Brooke found out.

00:31:10.409 --> 00:31:16.405
Remember that? Or when we checked
into that hotel as S. And Z. Fitzgerald.

00:31:16.476 --> 00:31:20.207
Or how we made love everywhere.
God, everywhere.

00:31:20.277 --> 00:31:23.542
When I think of all the risky places

00:31:23.610 --> 00:31:27.637
that lust overcame the two of us,
it blows my mind.

00:31:27.710 --> 00:31:30.577
You know Fireside Memorial Chapel
is a McDonald's now?

00:31:30.644 --> 00:31:34.375
Fascinating.

00:31:50.445 --> 00:31:52.037
Don't.

00:31:52.111 --> 00:31:53.544
- Why not?
- I can't.

00:31:53.612 --> 00:31:56.513
What do you mean?
It's not natural.

00:31:56.578 --> 00:31:58.443
We never sleep with each other.

00:31:58.512 --> 00:32:01.174
I told you I'm going
through a rough patch.

00:32:01.245 --> 00:32:04.112
I'll say.
It's been six months!

00:32:04.178 --> 00:32:06.203
I said you could sleep
with other women.

00:32:06.278 --> 00:32:08.940
I don't love other women.

00:32:09.012 --> 00:32:11.537
I don't want to sleep
with other women. I love you.

00:32:11.612 --> 00:32:14.945
What did I do to turn you off?
I don't get it.

00:32:15.012 --> 00:32:18.743
Nothing. You did nothing.
It's always about you.

00:32:18.812 --> 00:32:21.610
- You have such an ego.
- An ego?

00:32:21.679 --> 00:32:26.139
What do you want me to do?
Grit my teeth, close my eyes,

00:32:26.212 --> 00:32:28.407
hold myself stiff
and let you do it to me?

00:32:28.479 --> 00:32:33.280
It's getting to the point
where I may settle for that.

00:32:33.346 --> 00:32:36.645
Sometimes I think it's because
you remind me of my father.

00:32:36.713 --> 00:32:41.741
You once told me you thought your father
was sexually attractive.

00:32:41.813 --> 00:32:44.407
That's not the part of him
you remind me of.

00:32:44.480 --> 00:32:47.847
It's not?
What is it, then?

00:32:47.913 --> 00:32:50.507
You know, his professional manner.

00:32:50.580 --> 00:32:53.879
Sweet and supportive.

00:32:53.947 --> 00:32:59.852
Gee, I'm sorry I have so many
turn-off qualities. I didn't realize.

00:33:04.780 --> 00:33:09.342
Sleep with other women.
Just don't tell me about it.

00:33:09.414 --> 00:33:12.349
- Do you love me?
- What a question!

00:33:12.414 --> 00:33:15.542
Just because I pull away
when you touch me?

00:33:16.881 --> 00:33:19.441
[Dobel:] "Just because I pull away
when you touch me?"

00:33:19.515 --> 00:33:23.679
- Falk, give me a break.
- She said it was temporary.

00:33:23.748 --> 00:33:27.343
Meanwhile, you haven't consummated
your passion for her in six months!

00:33:27.414 --> 00:33:34.115
It's unbelievable! I have a theory
that too much rejection causes cancer.

00:33:34.182 --> 00:33:36.412
She encourages me
to sleep with other women.

00:33:36.482 --> 00:33:38.575
Well, do it! For God's sakes!

00:33:38.649 --> 00:33:43.109
There must be a million women who'd
be excited to get into bed with you.

00:33:43.182 --> 00:33:44.615
Maybe not a million,

00:33:44.682 --> 00:33:47.549
but I'm sure you could find one,
if you got her drunk enough.

00:33:47.616 --> 00:33:51.450
It doesn't matter.
I have no interest in other women.

00:33:51.516 --> 00:33:56.818
- See, even my first wife was...
- Wife? You were married?

00:33:56.883 --> 00:34:00.341
A bitter story.
I was very young.

00:34:00.416 --> 00:34:03.681
I should have known something
was wrong on the wedding night

00:34:03.749 --> 00:34:09.688
when her family danced around my table
chanting, "We will make him one of us!"

00:34:09.750 --> 00:34:14.119
Oh, boy! I had a rough day.

00:34:14.183 --> 00:34:18.711
I got up, put on a shirt
and the button came off.

00:34:18.783 --> 00:34:23.311
Then I went to the car to open the door,
and the handle came off.

00:34:23.384 --> 00:34:26.251
Now I'm afraid
to go to the bathroom.

00:34:28.584 --> 00:34:32.680
What did you do?
I wanted to grab the check.

00:34:32.751 --> 00:34:35.481
- No, you didn't.
- What do you mean? I did.

00:34:35.551 --> 00:34:37.576
I was grabbing the check.

00:34:37.651 --> 00:34:41.052
Never trust a guy
who fumbles for the check.

00:34:41.117 --> 00:34:43.244
He who wants to get the check,
gets it.

00:34:43.317 --> 00:34:47.651
As you go through life, when you
really want to get the check, you will.

00:34:47.718 --> 00:34:50.585
- Well, I was planning on getting it.
- Let me ask you...

00:34:50.651 --> 00:34:52.642
Did you hear what that guy said?

00:34:52.718 --> 00:34:56.347
Three people were coming in
as we were leaving.

00:34:56.418 --> 00:34:58.443
The swarthy guy?

00:34:58.519 --> 00:35:01.716
Yeah. Dark.
There were two guys and a girl.

00:35:01.785 --> 00:35:03.844
- I didn't hear him.
- He looked at us,

00:35:03.919 --> 00:35:07.912
and said to the other guy:
"Jews start all wars."

00:35:07.986 --> 00:35:09.146
- Did you hear that?
- No!

00:35:09.218 --> 00:35:14.554
Yes, absolutely. He presumably
said it to her or the guy with them,

00:35:14.619 --> 00:35:18.953
but it was really for our benefit.
"Jews start all wars."

00:35:19.019 --> 00:35:24.924
I don't think it was for my benefit
because I didn't hear anything.

00:35:24.986 --> 00:35:28.285
I know who you're talking about.
I saw this trio,

00:35:28.353 --> 00:35:31.550
but I didn't hear anything
and I have pretty good hearing.

00:35:31.720 --> 00:35:36.054
Because you were obsessed with
the physically prepossessing waitresses

00:35:36.120 --> 00:35:38.111
running around.

00:35:38.187 --> 00:35:41.213
Let me tell you, Falk.
We live in perilous times.

00:35:41.287 --> 00:35:43.847
You got to keep alert for these things.

00:35:43.920 --> 00:35:47.356
You don't want your life to wind up
as black-and-white newsreel footage

00:35:47.420 --> 00:35:52.414
scored by a cello in a minor key.

00:35:55.554 --> 00:35:57.647
- Hey.
- Hi.

00:35:57.721 --> 00:36:00.554
- How are you?
- Good. How was the comedian?

00:36:00.621 --> 00:36:03.215
It's exactly like Dobel says.

00:36:03.287 --> 00:36:07.314
There is truly a paucity
of veridical talent in the world.

00:36:07.388 --> 00:36:09.219
When will I meet this polymath?

00:36:09.288 --> 00:36:12.257
He is unbelievable.
He's read everything.

00:36:12.321 --> 00:36:15.984
He plays music.
He paints, or so he claims.

00:36:16.054 --> 00:36:18.352
I've read some of his poems...
all morbid!

00:36:18.421 --> 00:36:21.948
Cancer and shock treatments
and gas chambers.

00:36:22.021 --> 00:36:27.323
And his vocabulary is astounding.
You can't get the guy on a word.

00:36:27.388 --> 00:36:30.016
It's rare you're so taken with somebody.

00:36:30.089 --> 00:36:31.249
Hey, Mrs. Chase.

00:36:31.321 --> 00:36:34.290
I told you not to call me Mrs. Chase!
My name is Paula!

00:36:34.356 --> 00:36:38.952
Mrs. Chase makes me sound ancient.
My life isn't over yet.

00:36:39.022 --> 00:36:41.855
- In fact, I'm Just starting to live it.
- Definitely, Paula.

00:36:41.922 --> 00:36:43.981
And I need some help from you.

00:36:44.055 --> 00:36:47.582
Mom, could you talk about this tomorrow?
It's late.

00:36:47.656 --> 00:36:51.285
What, are we six years old?
It's past our bedtime?

00:36:51.356 --> 00:36:53.790
It's okay. It's only 1:30.

00:36:53.856 --> 00:36:57.917
I decided to put some songs together
and do a nightclub act.

00:36:57.990 --> 00:37:02.723
Mother, the scene has really changed
in the past 25 years.

00:37:02.789 --> 00:37:06.020
- Why are you so discouraging?
- I'm not. I'm realistic.

00:37:06.090 --> 00:37:08.285
I don't want you to get hurt.

00:37:08.357 --> 00:37:10.222
How? I could always sing.

00:37:10.290 --> 00:37:13.350
Of course you can sing.
I'm not saying that.

00:37:13.423 --> 00:37:17.120
But things change.
Styles, the cabaret business...

00:37:17.190 --> 00:37:20.182
Can't you be more supportive?
You're so competitive!

00:37:20.257 --> 00:37:23.055
I am not!
I hate my voice!

00:37:23.124 --> 00:37:26.116
[Falk:] Please.
You both have very good voices.

00:37:26.191 --> 00:37:29.285
I thought I'd put a few songs together

00:37:29.358 --> 00:37:32.327
and you could write
between-the-songs talk for me.

00:37:32.391 --> 00:37:36.623
- I've never done that sort of thing.
- Just some banter. Not Jokes.

00:37:36.691 --> 00:37:39.888
I couldn't tell a Joke if my life
depended on it. Just some chit-chat.

00:37:39.957 --> 00:37:42.983
The truth is,
I'm kind of snowed under right now...

00:37:43.058 --> 00:37:46.994
Oh, God!
Is nobody on my side?

00:37:47.058 --> 00:37:51.085
Jerry, you could do it.
This stuff comes so easily to you.

00:37:51.158 --> 00:37:53.922
- You Just said this is a fool's errand.
- What did you call me?

00:37:53.992 --> 00:37:56.620
It's an expression.

00:37:56.691 --> 00:38:01.685
I know. I tried to dissuade her,
but she won't listen to me.

00:38:01.759 --> 00:38:05.490
I'm trying to finish my book.
These comics are pressing me.

00:38:05.559 --> 00:38:09.051
- I've taken deposits from them.
- Oh, forget I even asked.

00:38:09.125 --> 00:38:11.719
Okay. I never said I wouldn't do it.

00:38:11.792 --> 00:38:13.987
I Just have to fit it in.

00:38:14.059 --> 00:38:16.550
It won't be arduous!
I have lots of ideas!

00:38:16.626 --> 00:38:18.787
I'm even having a piano delivered!

00:38:18.859 --> 00:38:21.293
- [Falk:] Here?
- It's a rental.

00:38:21.360 --> 00:38:24.818
- I had to rehearse!
- There's no room for a piano.

00:38:24.893 --> 00:38:27.418
Because you don't maximize your space!

00:38:27.493 --> 00:38:30.724
I was an interior decorator.
Tell him, Amanda.

00:38:32.960 --> 00:38:37.329
I know this is a real pain,
but it's temporary.

00:38:37.393 --> 00:38:39.520
You mean like our lovemaking?

00:38:39.593 --> 00:38:41.993
Could you not be gross?

00:38:44.194 --> 00:38:48.062
[Falk:] As the days passed,
Dobel and I got closer and closer.

00:38:48.127 --> 00:38:51.528
After he finished school,
we'd meet in Central Park.

00:38:51.594 --> 00:38:54.392
He'd usually expound on something.

00:38:54.460 --> 00:38:57.088
[Dobel:] You think quantum physics
has the answer?

00:38:57.160 --> 00:39:01.290
I mean, what purpose
does it serve for me

00:39:01.360 --> 00:39:04.625
that time and space
are exactly the same thing?

00:39:04.694 --> 00:39:08.186
I ask a guy what time it is,
he tells me six miles?

00:39:08.261 --> 00:39:09.694
What the hell is that?

00:39:09.761 --> 00:39:15.028
Falk, if a guy comes out onstage
at Carnegie Hall and throws up,

00:39:15.094 --> 00:39:18.791
you can always find some people
who will call it art.

00:39:18.861 --> 00:39:21.887
Years ago, a very wonderful comedy writer

00:39:21.961 --> 00:39:27.763
wrote a very funny book
with a really deep and meaningful title.

00:39:27.828 --> 00:39:31.662
It was called
"Never Trust A Naked Bus Driver."

00:39:32.562 --> 00:39:35.326
You would be amazed how many people

00:39:35.395 --> 00:39:39.229
do exactly that, and worse.

00:39:39.296 --> 00:39:42.060
- [Dobel:] Do you masturbate, Falk?
- What?

00:39:42.129 --> 00:39:46.589
I mean, given the circumstances
of your sex life, I would think...

00:39:46.663 --> 00:39:49.564
This is not... stop squirming.

00:39:49.629 --> 00:39:53.565
I'm not. I don't know.
Now and then, I guess.

00:39:53.629 --> 00:39:56.189
When is now and then?
On Easter and Purim?

00:39:56.262 --> 00:39:58.025
I don't really enjoy it.

00:39:58.096 --> 00:40:00.257
Are you doing it right?
Does your hand fall asleep?

00:40:00.329 --> 00:40:04.265
I happen to think it's
a poor substitute for the real thing.

00:40:04.330 --> 00:40:06.992
Really? I prefer it to the real thing.

00:40:07.063 --> 00:40:09.088
Last night, I was home by myself

00:40:09.163 --> 00:40:16.069
and I conjured up a threesome with me,
Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren.

00:40:16.130 --> 00:40:19.395
It was very erotic.

00:40:19.463 --> 00:40:21.829
In fact, if I'm not mistaken,
it was the first time

00:40:21.897 --> 00:40:24.695
those two great actresses
ever appeared in anything together.

00:40:24.764 --> 00:40:29.201
- It sounds nice, but...
- The only reason I ask

00:40:29.264 --> 00:40:32.529
is because I think
that as you go through life,

00:40:32.597 --> 00:40:35.623
you learn to depend only on yourself.

00:40:35.697 --> 00:40:39.497
You know?
Do you own a firearm?

00:40:39.565 --> 00:40:41.192
A gun?

00:40:41.264 --> 00:40:43.630
A gun qualifies as a firearm, yes.

00:40:43.698 --> 00:40:46.223
- No. Why would I?
- For self-defense.

00:40:46.298 --> 00:40:48.960
Against who?

00:40:49.032 --> 00:40:51.364
Against those who conspire to harm you.

00:40:51.431 --> 00:40:52.625
Harm me?

00:40:52.698 --> 00:40:58.466
Don't ask what you did to deserve it.
I mean, God, read Auden.

00:40:58.532 --> 00:41:04.869
You know, come with me to New Jersey.

00:41:07.633 --> 00:41:12.400
Falk, I took the liberty a few weeks ago
of ordering you a little present.

00:41:12.466 --> 00:41:13.660
What?

00:41:13.733 --> 00:41:18.227
They're having a sale here
on surplus Russian army rifles.

00:41:18.300 --> 00:41:19.790
What?

00:41:19.866 --> 00:41:24.235
Suppose you're home one night
in bed, masturbating,

00:41:24.300 --> 00:41:27.701
and some guys break in.
You need protection.

00:41:27.766 --> 00:41:30.360
I'd dial 911.
I don't need a rifle.

00:41:30.433 --> 00:41:33.425
Have you ever dialed 911?
It's like trying to get a mortgage.

00:41:33.500 --> 00:41:35.730
Come on.

00:41:37.333 --> 00:41:41.360
I don't need a rifle. I'll probably
wind up blowing my foot off.

00:41:41.433 --> 00:41:44.061
What is wrong with you?
Are you such a maladroit

00:41:44.134 --> 00:41:49.071
you can't keep a firearm without
discharging it adventitiously?

00:41:49.134 --> 00:41:51.625
- I don't need a weapon.
- Everybody needs a weapon.

00:41:51.700 --> 00:41:52.894
What does that mean?

00:41:52.967 --> 00:41:55.663
It means the day will come
when you wish you had one.

00:41:55.735 --> 00:41:57.225
Why exactly?

00:41:57.301 --> 00:42:00.566
Why?
So they don't put you in a boxcar.

00:42:00.635 --> 00:42:02.899
I want to get you some of this stuff, too.

00:42:02.968 --> 00:42:06.267
- What for?
- So you can build a survival kit.

00:42:06.334 --> 00:42:09.826
I have a perfect survival kit.
I've been working on it for years.

00:42:09.902 --> 00:42:12.132
Last week I got some great fishhooks,

00:42:12.202 --> 00:42:15.899
and a waterproof matchbox that floats.

00:42:15.968 --> 00:42:18.937
What are you preparing for,
the end of civilization?

00:42:19.002 --> 00:42:23.098
I have to know if I'm alone in the wilds,
I can survive by myself.

00:42:23.168 --> 00:42:24.692
Dobel, you're a madman.

00:42:24.769 --> 00:42:27.260
That's what they said in Germany.

00:42:27.335 --> 00:42:31.203
There were actually groups
in Germany called "Jews for Hitler."

00:42:31.269 --> 00:42:35.399
They were deluded.
They thought he'd be good for the country.

00:42:35.469 --> 00:42:39.803
Never trust a naked bus driver.

00:42:39.869 --> 00:42:42.929
By the time I got out of bed
and loaded it,

00:42:43.003 --> 00:42:46.564
- the damage would be done.
- That's why you keep it loaded.

00:42:46.637 --> 00:42:48.901
I should keep a loaded gun in the house?

00:42:48.969 --> 00:42:51.995
Why would you keep
an unloaded weapon in the house?

00:42:52.069 --> 00:42:53.832
Do you keep a loaded gun in the house?

00:42:53.904 --> 00:42:57.840
I have a loaded weapon
in my house within reach.

00:42:57.904 --> 00:43:01.533
Within reach, Falk.
In every room.

00:43:01.603 --> 00:43:03.696
Just how crazy are you?
Is there more?

00:43:03.770 --> 00:43:07.069
Do you hear voices on the radio
or worship snakes?

00:43:07.137 --> 00:43:12.404
You are a member of one of the most
persecuted minorities in history.

00:43:12.471 --> 00:43:15.736
The rifle's on me.
Let me handle this.

00:43:16.804 --> 00:43:19.932
This makes me nervous.
I've never owned a weapon.

00:43:20.004 --> 00:43:23.963
You have to learn to take it apart
and put it together blindfolded.

00:43:24.038 --> 00:43:26.199
You may have to do it in the dark.

00:43:26.271 --> 00:43:28.967
You expecting Nazis and a blackout?

00:43:29.038 --> 00:43:33.407
Incidentally, while you were rummaging
around the store in an aimless stupor,

00:43:33.472 --> 00:43:36.373
I got you a couple of items.

00:43:36.438 --> 00:43:39.339
I got you a flashlight that floats

00:43:39.405 --> 00:43:41.498
if you drop it in the ocean
for any reason.

00:43:41.572 --> 00:43:44.200
When the hell am I near the ocean?

00:43:44.272 --> 00:43:49.209
I want you to build a survival kit.
I got you a compass, a...

00:43:49.272 --> 00:43:52.730
I live in Manhattan.
Why would I need a compass?

00:43:52.805 --> 00:43:56.138
This flare gun.
I got you some snakebite stuff,

00:43:56.206 --> 00:43:59.300
fishhooks, water-purifying tablets.

00:43:59.373 --> 00:44:02.536
This all sounds a little excessive to me.

00:44:02.606 --> 00:44:04.972
And don't pull the trigger.

00:44:05.039 --> 00:44:07.439
Squeeze it. Squeeze the trigger.

00:44:07.506 --> 00:44:09.804
That's right.
Just take aim and squeeze...

00:44:09.873 --> 00:44:11.204
[gun clicking]

00:44:11.273 --> 00:44:14.242
Sorry! Sorry, sorry!
It's empty.

00:44:14.306 --> 00:44:18.174
Dobel was showing me how to use a rifle.
We were practicing.

00:44:18.239 --> 00:44:21.504
- Why?
- Why? Well, it's for protection.

00:44:21.573 --> 00:44:24.440
- From who?
- What do you mean, from who?

00:44:24.506 --> 00:44:26.337
- Dobel, tell her.
- I'm Dobel.

00:44:26.407 --> 00:44:30.104
Hi.
Who do you need protection from?

00:44:30.173 --> 00:44:32.937
Burglars, rapists, the Gestapo.

00:44:33.007 --> 00:44:35.669
It was my idea that,
given the tensions in the world,

00:44:35.741 --> 00:44:37.732
perhaps it would be prudent

00:44:37.807 --> 00:44:41.675
for young Falk to own
a means of self-defense.

00:44:41.741 --> 00:44:45.575
Have you had a mental breakdown?
You and a rifle?

00:44:45.641 --> 00:44:48.405
- I know it seems weird.
- What's this stuff?

00:44:48.474 --> 00:44:53.707
This is all very important.
These are water-purifying tablets

00:44:53.774 --> 00:44:56.072
and that's a flashlight that floats.

00:44:56.141 --> 00:44:59.042
Let's say you drop it in the ocean.
It floats.

00:44:59.108 --> 00:45:01.167
Are you Joining the Boy Scouts?

00:45:01.241 --> 00:45:03.835
- It's all very necessary.
- Are these bullets?

00:45:03.909 --> 00:45:08.346
They're called rounds. Right?
Jump in here at any point.

00:45:08.408 --> 00:45:11.605
Falk, I don't mean to incite
domestic strife here.

00:45:11.675 --> 00:45:16.169
Amanda, it's all very safe.
See what happens...

00:45:16.242 --> 00:45:18.472
what I do is take a pliers

00:45:18.541 --> 00:45:22.875
and I remove the lead part
from the shell. You see?

00:45:22.942 --> 00:45:26.605
Then I have the empty...
empty shell. Okay?

00:45:26.676 --> 00:45:31.170
And what I do is I put this now
in the breech

00:45:31.242 --> 00:45:32.937
in the rifle, okay?

00:45:33.010 --> 00:45:36.446
So then if a shot's taken,
it won't really fire.

00:45:36.509 --> 00:45:38.909
Not until the second round
goes into the breech.

00:45:38.976 --> 00:45:40.739
The chamber!
The chamber, Falk!

00:45:40.809 --> 00:45:42.834
Into the chamber.

00:45:42.910 --> 00:45:46.744
I am not living in the house
with a loaded rifle.

00:45:46.809 --> 00:45:50.506
You don't trust me to keep a firearm
without hurting anyone?

00:45:50.577 --> 00:45:52.875
- Am I an imbecile?
- Is that a trick question?

00:45:52.943 --> 00:45:56.174
Dobel, would you say something?

00:45:56.243 --> 00:46:00.543
It's his feeling that as the economy slumps,
crime rises, okay?

00:46:00.610 --> 00:46:04.876
And rape... rape has risen.
Statistically speaking, rape has gone up.

00:46:04.944 --> 00:46:09.176
And he's not convinced that
the slaughter of six million Jews

00:46:09.244 --> 00:46:12.907
is enough to satisfy the anti-Semitic
impulses of the majority of the world.

00:46:12.977 --> 00:46:16.105
- You said this.
- He's paraphrasing.

00:46:16.177 --> 00:46:18.236
I put it more succinctly when I...

00:46:18.311 --> 00:46:19.573
[door closing]
Oh!

00:46:19.645 --> 00:46:24.048
Don't worry, Mother.
It's not loaded.

00:46:24.111 --> 00:46:27.080
- [Paula:] What's happening?
- I bought a rifle.

00:46:27.145 --> 00:46:30.706
A rifle?! I'm not living
in a house with a rifle!

00:46:30.778 --> 00:46:35.306
- Don't worry, Mom. It's leaving.
- No, it's not. It's not leaving.

00:46:35.379 --> 00:46:38.542
Perhaps we should rethink
the concept of self-defense.

00:46:38.611 --> 00:46:41.580
Mrs. Chase, is it unreasonable
to own a fire extinguisher,

00:46:41.646 --> 00:46:43.341
though you'll probably never use it?

00:46:43.412 --> 00:46:47.439
Stop calling me Mrs. Chase!
My name is Paula!

00:46:47.512 --> 00:46:50.208
I'm not your goddamn schoolteacher!

00:46:50.279 --> 00:46:54.648
Falk, urgent business in Tierra Del Fuego
requires my presence,

00:46:54.712 --> 00:46:55.872
so I'll be leaving.

00:46:55.946 --> 00:46:59.404
Sir, would you mind
helping me shift this piano?

00:46:59.479 --> 00:47:01.470
- Me?
- Mother, he's a guest.

00:47:01.545 --> 00:47:03.979
Would you take these when you go?
[Phone ringing]

00:47:04.046 --> 00:47:07.379
I don't care who he is.
This room isn't right.

00:47:07.446 --> 00:47:09.641
That's because it's too crowded.
[Phone ringing]

00:47:09.713 --> 00:47:12.511
Meaning what?
You want me on a park bench?

00:47:12.580 --> 00:47:15.981
Don't be so dramatic.
All I want out is this stupid rifle.

00:47:16.046 --> 00:47:18.276
Are you going to help me?

00:47:18.346 --> 00:47:20.940
I live to serve.
Make your wishes known.

00:47:21.014 --> 00:47:22.914
- Pivot. Pivot.
- Hello.

00:47:22.980 --> 00:47:25.005
Did I get you at a bad time?

00:47:25.080 --> 00:47:30.245
I Just want to set the date
for the end of the week for lunch.

00:47:30.314 --> 00:47:31.941
How's Friday?

00:47:32.014 --> 00:47:35.211
Friday.
Hold on one second, Harvey.

00:47:35.281 --> 00:47:39.445
I have steamers in the fridge
from a week ago Sunday. You hungry?

00:47:39.514 --> 00:47:43.382
No. I make it a practice
never to ingest bivalves

00:47:43.447 --> 00:47:45.711
that have been dead more than 72 hours.

00:47:45.781 --> 00:47:48.409
Christ, I need a drink.
This room Just isn't right.

00:47:48.481 --> 00:47:50.608
What are these?

00:47:50.681 --> 00:47:52.808
[Amanda:] Water-purifying tablets.

00:47:52.881 --> 00:47:55.111
What for?
Is the plumbing backed up?

00:47:55.181 --> 00:47:58.446
Thursday's better.
What do you want to talk about?

00:47:58.515 --> 00:48:02.952
The who, the what and the wherefore.
Thursday, Isabella's, at noon.

00:48:03.015 --> 00:48:05.506
- Right. Bye.
- [Paula:] No, you're doing it.

00:48:05.582 --> 00:48:08.608
- Just pivot it.
- What's happening here?

00:48:08.682 --> 00:48:11.310
I have it under control.
Nothing that can't be done

00:48:11.382 --> 00:48:14.283
with 12 stevedores and some oxen.

00:48:14.348 --> 00:48:17.511
- Paula, where do you want this?
- Against the wall.

00:48:17.582 --> 00:48:21.313
- I'll help you do it.
- Sir, would you take this?

00:48:21.383 --> 00:48:23.442
Mom, here you go.
[Glass shatters]

00:48:23.516 --> 00:48:26.314
[Paula:] Jesus, what a butterfingers!

00:48:26.383 --> 00:48:28.544
Watch your hands
when you pick these up.

00:48:28.616 --> 00:48:31.210
- [Amanda:] These things happen.
- This can be glued.

00:48:36.682 --> 00:48:40.516
I don't understand why those people
could leave the room

00:48:40.582 --> 00:48:42.573
after the dinner party
and go home.

00:48:42.649 --> 00:48:44.207
- What'd you think?
- It was great.

00:48:44.283 --> 00:48:46.376
Yeah, I agree.

00:48:46.450 --> 00:48:48.714
Listen, I'm sorry about my mother.

00:48:48.782 --> 00:48:52.582
- I know she's been out of control.
- Don't worry about it.

00:48:52.650 --> 00:48:54.311
She is a little tough,

00:48:54.383 --> 00:48:58.080
but nevertheless, I will gladly
help her with her singing act.

00:48:58.149 --> 00:49:01.550
You are a sweetheart.
I don't know what I'd do without you.

00:49:01.617 --> 00:49:03.517
I've got a great idea.

00:49:03.583 --> 00:49:07.110
Instead of going home,
let's check into a hotel.

00:49:07.184 --> 00:49:08.947
Let's check into a hotel!

00:49:09.017 --> 00:49:11.383
Maybe away from everything

00:49:11.451 --> 00:49:15.751
in a completely different atmosphere,
you'll be more relaxed.

00:49:15.817 --> 00:49:18.149
We used to check into hotels
all the time.

00:49:18.217 --> 00:49:22.381
- It was exciting and fun.
- But it was different then.

00:49:22.451 --> 00:49:25.284
But it won't be different.
It'll be Just like we used to.

00:49:25.351 --> 00:49:27.376
Come on, it'll be great.

00:49:33.651 --> 00:49:36.677
Hi. How are you?

00:49:36.751 --> 00:49:39.652
We're interested in a single room.
How much is that?

00:49:39.718 --> 00:49:43.745
- A single room is $200 a night.
- $200. Wow.

00:49:43.818 --> 00:49:46.981
It's amazing how even
the cheapest ones have gone up.

00:49:47.051 --> 00:49:50.418
Let's not get a single.
It's so sleazy.

00:49:50.485 --> 00:49:52.953
We're trying to be romantic.

00:49:53.019 --> 00:49:56.887
You're right.
Um, do you have a small suite?

00:49:56.952 --> 00:49:59.011
- A small suite?
- Very small.

00:49:59.086 --> 00:50:02.146
Let me check.
I'll be right back.

00:50:10.119 --> 00:50:12.053
Wow!

00:50:12.119 --> 00:50:15.350
- Look at this place.
- It's nice.

00:50:19.353 --> 00:50:21.719
Thank you.
Have a good one.

00:50:21.786 --> 00:50:24.380
- How much did you give him?
- Three bucks.

00:50:24.453 --> 00:50:25.920
Not five?

00:50:25.987 --> 00:50:29.115
Five?
He Just turned the light on.

00:50:29.187 --> 00:50:33.055
We have no luggage.
Should I have given him five?

00:50:33.120 --> 00:50:36.351
It doesn't matter.
I'm sorry. I'm Just tense.

00:50:36.420 --> 00:50:40.516
This is fun, isn't it?
It's kind of sexy, being back in a hotel.

00:50:40.587 --> 00:50:43.147
Should we order caviar?

00:50:43.220 --> 00:50:47.156
Caviar? You Just had
all that popcorn at the movie.

00:50:47.220 --> 00:50:50.246
Plus the peppermints
and the ice cream sandwich.

00:50:50.320 --> 00:50:54.154
I know.
I'm definitely going on a diet tomorrow.

00:50:54.221 --> 00:50:56.655
I can't believe how much they charge
for a suite.

00:50:56.721 --> 00:50:59.281
It's not what I expected.

00:50:59.355 --> 00:51:02.654
- Is that what you're thinking about?
- No.

00:51:02.722 --> 00:51:08.490
No, I'm thinking of you
and how sexy you are.

00:51:10.088 --> 00:51:14.684
- I need another.
- Come here. What's wrong?

00:51:14.755 --> 00:51:19.021
- It's too bright.
- Too bright?

00:51:19.089 --> 00:51:22.786
Okay, well, I can fix that, I guess.

00:51:23.822 --> 00:51:26.882
- Is that better?
- No, it's still too bright.

00:51:26.955 --> 00:51:29.617
Really?
Yes! You know how hard this is for me.

00:51:29.689 --> 00:51:34.217
Maybe it's because of this room.
I'll shut these off.

00:51:34.289 --> 00:51:38.658
- There. Is that better?
- No. Turn that off.

00:51:38.723 --> 00:51:41.453
You used to like making love
with the lights on.

00:51:41.522 --> 00:51:45.083
Or in a sunny room in front of mirrors.
Remember?

00:51:45.156 --> 00:51:49.525
- Can we start with the lights off?
- Okay. Not a problem.

00:51:50.990 --> 00:51:53.390
There we go. How's that?

00:51:53.457 --> 00:51:55.823
Thank you.

00:51:55.889 --> 00:51:59.552
Come here.
You know how sexy you are?

00:52:01.457 --> 00:52:05.018
Here... let's take off your sweatshirt.

00:52:05.091 --> 00:52:07.423
I'll take my pants off here.

00:52:07.490 --> 00:52:09.185
[Coins falling]

00:52:09.258 --> 00:52:11.089
[Amanda:] Christ!
[Falk:] I'm sorry.

00:52:11.157 --> 00:52:16.322
I had all this change from the movie house
when I bought your popcorn.

00:52:16.391 --> 00:52:19.758
I can't do this.
The moment's ruined.

00:52:19.824 --> 00:52:22.588
That's crazy.
It shouldn't be that delicate.

00:52:22.658 --> 00:52:25.650
It's not about should!
Look, I'm a wreck!

00:52:25.725 --> 00:52:27.386
Okay, I'm sorry.

00:52:27.458 --> 00:52:30.518
I'm sorry, but I can't.
I can't do this.

00:52:30.591 --> 00:52:35.255
We'll start again, okay?
Itíll be fine. A clean slate, okay?

00:52:35.324 --> 00:52:38.225
We got this room.
Let's take advantage.

00:52:38.292 --> 00:52:40.886
We'll Just start over, okay?
Come here.

00:52:40.958 --> 00:52:42.755
[Kissing]

00:52:45.392 --> 00:52:50.295
See? It's nothing we haven't
done before, right?

00:52:53.425 --> 00:52:56.121
Jerry?
Jerry, I can't breathe.

00:52:56.192 --> 00:52:58.160
What do you mean?

00:52:59.359 --> 00:53:01.827
- I can't...
- What do you mean?

00:53:01.892 --> 00:53:04.554
I can't breathe.
My throat's swelling.

00:53:04.626 --> 00:53:08.153
- Your throat's not swelling.
- It is. This has happened before.

00:53:08.226 --> 00:53:12.287
Why don't you sit down?
Amanda, sit down for a second.

00:53:12.360 --> 00:53:16.057
You want me to get you some water?

00:53:16.126 --> 00:53:18.890
- No. I feel nauseous.
- You're not nauseous.

00:53:18.959 --> 00:53:22.087
- I am.
- Just, Just take it easy.

00:53:22.159 --> 00:53:25.356
Amanda, do you want me
to open the window?

00:53:25.426 --> 00:53:30.295
Maybe you need some fresh air.
You're getting pale.

00:53:30.361 --> 00:53:31.919
Are you serious?

00:53:31.994 --> 00:53:35.657
[Wheezing]
I need a doctor.

00:53:35.727 --> 00:53:39.823
You don't need a doctor.
Just lay down for a second.

00:53:39.893 --> 00:53:43.260
I'm really dizzy.

00:53:43.327 --> 00:53:45.557
All right.
Just, um, hold on.

00:53:45.628 --> 00:53:48.597
Just, um, breathe
through your nose, okay?

00:53:48.661 --> 00:53:51.630
Come on.
Come on. Here.

00:53:52.761 --> 00:53:54.422
[Amanda:] Leave a tip for the maid.

00:53:54.494 --> 00:53:59.090
[Dr. Reed:] So, if I push
on your chest here, do you feel any pain?

00:53:59.161 --> 00:54:03.188
[Amanda:] Well, it's right under
the breast I get a shooting pain.

00:54:03.262 --> 00:54:05.696
- Your left breast?
- Yes.

00:54:10.762 --> 00:54:13.060
Have you ever had a reaction
like this before?

00:54:13.128 --> 00:54:14.254
Yes.

00:54:14.328 --> 00:54:16.990
Do you have any allergies?

00:54:17.062 --> 00:54:18.086
I hope not.

00:54:18.162 --> 00:54:21.154
I'm Just checking
your glands right now.

00:54:23.495 --> 00:54:27.829
- You take all these pills?
- Yes. They're different diets.

00:54:27.895 --> 00:54:30.830
Then I have my antidepressants
and my sleeping pills.

00:54:30.895 --> 00:54:32.556
But they have opposite effects.

00:54:32.630 --> 00:54:35.098
I don't take them all
on the same day.

00:54:35.162 --> 00:54:38.598
You had a few vodkas, you say?
Breathe in.

00:54:38.663 --> 00:54:42.429
Hold. Let it go.

00:54:42.496 --> 00:54:44.623
Why do you use diet pills?

00:54:44.696 --> 00:54:46.857
I have some trouble
with my weight.

00:54:46.930 --> 00:54:50.024
You're not overweight.
You have a lovely figure.

00:54:50.097 --> 00:54:52.327
Lean back.
This doesn't hurt, does it?

00:54:52.397 --> 00:54:53.523
No.

00:54:53.596 --> 00:54:56.656
- You're a very beautiful young woman.
- Thank you.

00:54:56.730 --> 00:54:59.528
Yeah, breathe. Good.

00:54:59.598 --> 00:55:03.432
The doctor had better sex examining her
than I've had in 6 months!

00:55:03.497 --> 00:55:07.729
She has this wayward appeal.
Men go instantly crazy for her!

00:55:07.798 --> 00:55:11.199
What do I do?
I'm trapped in a situation here.

00:55:11.264 --> 00:55:14.825
What do I do?
Say something.

00:55:16.198 --> 00:55:18.166
Our time is up.

00:55:18.231 --> 00:55:20.631
Suppose we continue
at our next meeting.

00:55:20.698 --> 00:55:23.565
Mr. Falk, I would like to say that

00:55:23.632 --> 00:55:27.534
I will stop treating you if you
insist on keeping that rifle.

00:55:27.599 --> 00:55:31.000
- What? Why?
- I think it's an acting out.

00:55:31.065 --> 00:55:34.000
And it's more to your advantage
to talk about it than act out.

00:55:34.066 --> 00:55:37.160
But Dobel thinks in the end,
we can only count on ourselves.

00:55:37.232 --> 00:55:39.598
I'm afraid our time is up.

00:55:39.665 --> 00:55:43.192
If you don't get rid of the rifle,
I can't continue the analysis.

00:55:48.566 --> 00:55:50.932
- Jerry!
- Hey, Bill. How are you?

00:55:50.999 --> 00:55:55.333
I'm good.
So, what are you doing here?

00:55:55.399 --> 00:55:57.959
I'm having lunch
with my manager, inside.

00:55:58.033 --> 00:56:00.433
That Harry Wexler clown?
I saw him go in.

00:56:00.499 --> 00:56:03.161
Harvey. Yeah, yeah.

00:56:03.233 --> 00:56:05.258
Nobody understands
why you don't lose him.

00:56:05.333 --> 00:56:08.131
- Lose Harvey?
- The guy is a Joke in the business.

00:56:08.200 --> 00:56:10.293
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

00:56:10.367 --> 00:56:14.167
I'm telling you this as a friend.
You're starting to happen a little bit.

00:56:14.233 --> 00:56:16.793
You don't need a character
like this representing you.

00:56:16.866 --> 00:56:20.199
Thanks. I'll certainly think about it.

00:56:20.267 --> 00:56:22.997
- How's your girlfriend?
- Amanda? She's good.

00:56:23.067 --> 00:56:25.535
She's studying
acting and singing.

00:56:25.601 --> 00:56:27.592
Promise me one thing.

00:56:27.667 --> 00:56:30.602
You guys ever break up,
you give me her number.

00:56:30.667 --> 00:56:33.295
Just kidding.
Except I'm deadly serious.

00:56:33.368 --> 00:56:35.063
We're not breaking up.

00:56:35.134 --> 00:56:38.570
- Good to see you.
- Story of my life. Bye, Jerry!

00:56:44.968 --> 00:56:46.902
Sorry I'm late.

00:56:46.968 --> 00:56:50.995
I thought I'd be late.
My mom had a gallbladder attack.

00:56:51.069 --> 00:56:53.162
So, you want to discuss...?

00:56:53.234 --> 00:56:57.193
No big deal.
I'll get it out of the way

00:56:57.269 --> 00:56:59.669
then we can eat
and enjoy the meal.

00:56:59.735 --> 00:57:01.760
A coffee, please.

00:57:01.835 --> 00:57:03.700
I'm fine.

00:57:03.768 --> 00:57:05.531
Now...

00:57:06.702 --> 00:57:10.001
our original contract
was for three years.

00:57:10.069 --> 00:57:12.537
It's almost up.
It's up in a few months.

00:57:12.603 --> 00:57:16.300
My game plan for you
is going perfectly.

00:57:16.369 --> 00:57:21.671
A lot of people laughed at me
when I said I only wanted one client.

00:57:21.736 --> 00:57:24.603
And a kid, too!

00:57:24.669 --> 00:57:26.762
It's like a clothing store

00:57:26.836 --> 00:57:32.536
that specializes in
quality rather than quantity.

00:57:32.604 --> 00:57:36.233
All the other managers in town,
even my own family

00:57:36.303 --> 00:57:41.570
predicted that you would dump me
if you made it big on my efforts.

00:57:41.637 --> 00:57:45.334
I said, "You do not know Jerry Falk."

00:57:45.403 --> 00:57:48.702
"Jerry Falk and I have
a special relationship.

00:57:48.770 --> 00:57:51.000
"It goes way beyond the contract.

00:57:51.071 --> 00:57:53.403
"We are very close.

00:57:53.471 --> 00:57:56.065
"I was at his wedding.
I bought him a toaster.

00:57:56.137 --> 00:57:59.004
"We are this close.
I've done things for him

00:57:59.071 --> 00:58:01.835
"you couldn't even write
into a contract."

00:58:01.904 --> 00:58:03.929
[Coughing]

00:58:05.071 --> 00:58:06.971
[Tapping table]

00:58:07.037 --> 00:58:09.130
What's this?

00:58:09.204 --> 00:58:13.231
Our new agreement.

00:58:13.304 --> 00:58:16.205
You don't have to read it now.
Take it home and read it.

00:58:16.272 --> 00:58:19.036
It's not that complicated.
It's the same thing,

00:58:19.105 --> 00:58:21.733
except it's for seven years
instead of three.

00:58:21.805 --> 00:58:26.174
I figured, why burden you with
signing a contract every three years?

00:58:26.238 --> 00:58:29.799
Especially since we're gonna
be together for a long, long time!

00:58:32.272 --> 00:58:35.332
You can't sign that, Falk.
What are you, a cretin?

00:58:35.405 --> 00:58:39.364
I can't not sign it.
The guy's whole life is invested in me.

00:58:39.438 --> 00:58:42.271
The guy's an idiot!
He's in the wrong business.

00:58:42.339 --> 00:58:45.638
He should be pushing a rack
on Seventh Avenue.

00:58:45.705 --> 00:58:48.538
He put in the tough work
when no one else cared.

00:58:48.605 --> 00:58:50.698
He's not a bad guy, he's Just...

00:58:50.772 --> 00:58:54.037
I can't figure you out.
You've been with a shrink for years,

00:58:54.106 --> 00:58:56.574
yet you're too guilty to say good-bye

00:58:56.640 --> 00:58:59.803
to the inept homunculus
that poses as your manager.

00:58:59.873 --> 00:59:02.706
Incidentally, my shrink says
I have to get rid of the rifle.

00:59:02.773 --> 00:59:06.834
- What?
- He says it's an acting out.

00:59:06.906 --> 00:59:11.400
What kind of charlatan would want you
unarmed in this world?

00:59:11.473 --> 00:59:16.672
- He's not a charlatan.
- They're all charlatans, Falk!

00:59:16.740 --> 00:59:19.231
You know, since the beginning of time,

00:59:19.307 --> 00:59:24.142
people have been frightened and unhappy

00:59:24.207 --> 00:59:27.438
and scared to death
and scared of getting old

00:59:27.507 --> 00:59:31.705
and there have always been
priests and shamans and now shrinks

00:59:31.774 --> 00:59:35.904
to tell them "I know you're frightened,
but I can help you."

00:59:35.974 --> 00:59:38.704
"Of course, it'll cost you a few bucks."

00:59:38.774 --> 00:59:43.507
But they can't help you,
because life is what it is.

00:59:43.575 --> 00:59:48.012
Hey, what did you think of Amanda?
I know you only met her for, like,

00:59:48.074 --> 00:59:51.134
15 minutes under pretty
chaotic circumstances

00:59:51.208 --> 00:59:54.177
but she has a great quality, doesn't she?

00:59:54.241 --> 00:59:56.334
She's cheating on you,
you know.

00:59:56.408 --> 01:00:00.208
- What are you talking about?
- She's cheating on you!

01:00:00.276 --> 01:00:03.245
- How do you know?
- 'Cause I know.

01:00:03.309 --> 01:00:06.335
How do you know?
You see her with someone?

01:00:06.409 --> 01:00:08.809
- No.
- Did she say something to you?

01:00:08.875 --> 01:00:09.534
No.

01:00:09.609 --> 01:00:13.841
Then why would you say
she's cheating on me?

01:00:13.908 --> 01:00:15.705
I can tell by her eyes.

01:00:15.776 --> 01:00:19.837
- Her eyes? Her eyes.
- Yes, her eyes.

01:00:19.909 --> 01:00:24.778
Dobel, you have a certain brilliance.
You do.

01:00:24.843 --> 01:00:27.971
You're a sweet guy
and a wonderful writer of humor,

01:00:28.043 --> 01:00:32.139
but you are a deeply,
deeply deranged human being.

01:00:32.210 --> 01:00:35.179
Falk, I'm telling you,
she's cheating on you,

01:00:35.243 --> 01:00:38.076
and you're too typhlotic to see it.

01:00:38.143 --> 01:00:41.271
Typhlosis, Falk.
Blindness.

01:00:42.911 --> 01:00:46.438
[Music plays]

01:01:01.311 --> 01:01:04.474
Is she cheating on me?

01:01:04.544 --> 01:01:06.705
Dobel has poisoned the well.

01:01:06.778 --> 01:01:10.339
How the hell would he know?
Is he some kind of visionary?

01:01:10.411 --> 01:01:14.006
Not at all. He's a simple,
garden-variety paranoid.

01:01:14.078 --> 01:01:17.775
[Falk:] "Jews start all wars."
A gun in every room of his apartment!

01:01:17.845 --> 01:01:21.008
Amanda's cheating on me
because he sees it in her eyes?

01:01:21.078 --> 01:01:23.410
Bull! And yet...

01:01:23.479 --> 01:01:26.676
Jerry? This is Connie.
Connie, Jerry.

01:01:26.745 --> 01:01:28.269
[Falk:] Nice to meet you.

01:01:28.345 --> 01:01:31.803
- Connie is a brilliant actress.
- Amanda's the actress!

01:01:31.878 --> 01:01:35.041
Ray! Come with me.
I have to talk to you.

01:01:35.112 --> 01:01:39.481
Amanda tells me you're a writer.
What are you working on?

01:01:40.445 --> 01:01:42.777
A novel.

01:01:42.846 --> 01:01:44.211
About what?

01:01:44.280 --> 01:01:47.738
The absolute terror
of confronting one's death.

01:01:47.812 --> 01:01:50.508
I Just finished
"Notes From Underground."

01:01:50.579 --> 01:01:55.573
Isn't Dostoyevsky the most amazing,
poignant, talented writer?

01:01:55.647 --> 01:01:59.947
[Falk:] Who cares about Dostoyevsky
if Amanda's sleeping with that guy?

01:02:00.013 --> 01:02:02.140
She always talks about Ray Polito.

01:02:02.213 --> 01:02:05.671
Such a hotshot new actor.
Animal instincts.

01:02:05.747 --> 01:02:10.411
This generation's Brando.
They certainly make eye contact.

01:02:10.480 --> 01:02:14.746
She's so sexy.
Look at her body language.

01:02:14.813 --> 01:02:16.212
All verbs!

01:02:16.281 --> 01:02:18.977
- Have I...?
- Read "House of the Dead."

01:02:19.047 --> 01:02:22.175
Oh, yes.
Yes, I have.

01:02:22.247 --> 01:02:24.909
I found it surprisingly neoteric.

01:02:26.247 --> 01:02:29.478
- Modern. Very modern.
- Yes, modern.

01:02:29.547 --> 01:02:33.449
- Would you excuse me Just a second?
- Yeah, sure.

01:02:39.547 --> 01:02:42.983
Jerry, hi.
You remember Ray Polito?

01:02:43.048 --> 01:02:46.176
- Nice to see you.
- How are you?

01:02:46.248 --> 01:02:47.579
Good. You?

01:02:47.649 --> 01:02:53.087
I was telling Ray about how you have
a real interest in old theater posters.

01:02:53.148 --> 01:02:55.616
He says he has a great source.

01:02:55.682 --> 01:02:58.879
My buddy, Jay Binns,
has some really rare ones.

01:02:58.949 --> 01:03:00.974
He'd be happy to show them
to you anytime.

01:03:01.049 --> 01:03:03.574
Thanks. Yeah, maybe sometime, sure.

01:03:03.649 --> 01:03:06.209
- We could rent a car and drive out tonight.
- Tonight?

01:03:06.283 --> 01:03:09.810
Connie? You should come, too.
You should bring Doug.

01:03:09.882 --> 01:03:11.144
- Who's Doug?
- Go where?

01:03:11.216 --> 01:03:14.811
My buddy lives in Montauk.
We're going there tonight.

01:03:14.882 --> 01:03:18.943
- At this hour, there's no traffic.
- Montauk? It's midnight.

01:03:19.016 --> 01:03:22.247
Montauk at midnight?
What could be more romantic?

01:03:22.316 --> 01:03:24.216
- I can't.
- Me either.

01:03:24.283 --> 01:03:26.945
- It's Just too late.
- I have to get up early.

01:03:27.017 --> 01:03:29.713
You know I work best
in the morning.

01:03:29.783 --> 01:03:32.684
But we'll walk on the beach,
maybe take a swim.

01:03:32.750 --> 01:03:34.684
Ray'll play his guitar.

01:03:34.750 --> 01:03:36.650
- You play guitar?
- Yeah.

01:03:36.716 --> 01:03:38.547
I'd rather eat rat poison

01:03:38.617 --> 01:03:42.383
than watch this guy
play guitar on the beach at 3 AM.

01:03:45.150 --> 01:03:47.482
- [Falk:] You're so quiet.
- [Amanda:] So are you.

01:03:47.550 --> 01:03:49.745
- [Falk:] What's wrong?
- [Amanda:] Nothing.

01:03:49.817 --> 01:03:53.253
[Falk:] Don't say, "nothing."
Obviously, you're upset.

01:03:53.317 --> 01:03:56.912
Are you crushed because we didn't drive
100 miles to look at theater posters

01:03:56.984 --> 01:03:59.179
and hear this guy play his guitar?

01:03:59.251 --> 01:04:01.310
Shhh!
My mother's sleeping.

01:04:01.385 --> 01:04:03.751
That road company James Dean
looked at you

01:04:03.817 --> 01:04:06.911
like you were
a freshly baked cannoli.

01:04:06.984 --> 01:04:09.179
Are you in love with Connie?

01:04:09.251 --> 01:04:10.548
Connie?

01:04:10.618 --> 01:04:12.848
Don't pretend you can't
remember her name.

01:04:12.919 --> 01:04:17.879
I wouldn't have even looked at Connie
if you hadn't thrown us together.

01:04:17.952 --> 01:04:19.920
I thought you'd like her.

01:04:19.985 --> 01:04:23.512
She's smart and beautiful
and very literate.

01:04:23.585 --> 01:04:28.181
A literate actress?
What, is that like a four-leaf clover?

01:04:28.252 --> 01:04:30.379
Most men find her seductive.

01:04:30.452 --> 01:04:34.354
If you wanted to go off with Ray Polito,
you should have gone.

01:04:34.419 --> 01:04:36.649
You didn't need to
fix me up with someone.

01:04:36.719 --> 01:04:41.088
Please! I thought you'd want to see
his friend's theater posters.

01:04:41.152 --> 01:04:44.781
I have no interest in Connie.
None. Nada.

01:04:44.853 --> 01:04:48.949
You can sleep with other women.
Just don't throw it in my face.

01:04:49.020 --> 01:04:52.183
I'm not sleeping with her!
Do you want to sleep with Ray?

01:04:52.253 --> 01:04:55.689
[Paula:] Jesus Christ!
Will you two keep it down?

01:04:55.753 --> 01:04:58.017
I can't sleep.
You got any pills?

01:04:58.086 --> 01:05:01.920
I'm sorry, Mother.
I can't have these late-night discussions.

01:05:01.986 --> 01:05:05.820
- I need a sleeping pill.
- Jerry? Come here.

01:05:05.887 --> 01:05:08.117
- I want to show you something.
- Now? It's 2 AM.

01:05:08.186 --> 01:05:11.815
Come here! Jerry.

01:05:11.887 --> 01:05:16.847
This goddamn ballad is driving me crazy.
Just tell me what you think.

01:05:16.921 --> 01:05:21.085
[Playing piano]

01:05:23.254 --> 01:05:27.418
(music) Don't cry

01:05:27.488 --> 01:05:33.358
(music) There'll be another spring

01:05:33.421 --> 01:05:36.584
(music) I know our hearts

01:05:36.655 --> 01:05:39.249
(music) Will dance again

01:05:39.322 --> 01:05:42.723
(music) And sing again

01:05:42.788 --> 01:05:45.723
(music) So wait for me

01:05:45.788 --> 01:05:49.189
(music) Till then

01:05:49.255 --> 01:05:52.656
(music) Be glad

01:05:52.722 --> 01:05:58.524
(music) The bird is on the wing

01:05:58.589 --> 01:06:03.526
(music) Another chance to love

01:06:03.589 --> 01:06:07.320
(music) And laugh with me

01:06:07.390 --> 01:06:11.724
(music) Just wait and see

01:06:11.789 --> 01:06:17.887
(music) I love you now

01:06:17.956 --> 01:06:22.359
(music) And I'll love you forever

01:06:22.423 --> 01:06:24.948
(music) Oh, don't

01:06:25.024 --> 01:06:28.516
(music) Be sad

01:06:28.590 --> 01:06:31.150
(music) We'll surely be

01:06:31.224 --> 01:06:33.692
(music) Together

01:06:33.757 --> 01:06:37.090
(music) For the sky

01:06:37.157 --> 01:06:42.220
(music) Is bluer overhead

01:06:42.291 --> 01:06:45.818
(music) If you will Just

01:06:45.891 --> 01:06:49.918
(music) Believe in me

01:06:49.991 --> 01:06:52.323
(music) There'll be

01:06:52.391 --> 01:06:55.258
(music) Another

01:06:55.324 --> 01:06:57.121
(music) Spring

01:06:59.158 --> 01:07:04.027
If life is meaningless,
then why choose to live?

01:07:04.091 --> 01:07:07.993
Dobel says we don't choose,
our blood chooses for us.

01:07:08.058 --> 01:07:10.822
What does it all add up to if I die?

01:07:10.891 --> 01:07:13.792
Freud says sex and work.

01:07:13.859 --> 01:07:17.420
Dobel says work
gives the illusion of meaning,

01:07:17.492 --> 01:07:20.825
and sex gives
the illusion of continuity.

01:07:20.892 --> 01:07:23.190
[Paula singing]

01:07:23.259 --> 01:07:25.318
She's going to practice now?

01:07:26.725 --> 01:07:31.662
Hey, Paula? I'm trying to clarify
some ideas for my novel.

01:07:31.725 --> 01:07:32.714
I Just need...

01:07:32.792 --> 01:07:35.852
I have some ideas for dialogue
leading to the Judy Garland medley.

01:07:35.926 --> 01:07:38.326
Could we talk about it later?

01:07:38.393 --> 01:07:43.092
I am so nervous. I don't know why
I'm so scared of performing.

01:07:43.159 --> 01:07:46.287
- Where does Amanda keep her Valium?
- There. I'll get you one.

01:07:46.359 --> 01:07:50.921
I Just need a little bit of quiet,
Just for the morning. Okay, Paula?

01:08:06.827 --> 01:08:11.230
[Falk:] I went to the bathroom
to get her mother a Valium.

01:08:11.294 --> 01:08:14.286
Because Dobel made me
so damn suspicious,

01:08:14.360 --> 01:08:18.592
I couldn't resist the impulse
to open her diaphragm case

01:08:18.661 --> 01:08:21.061
to see if it was there,
and it wasn't.

01:08:22.827 --> 01:08:25.489
Why does she need her diaphragm?
What for?

01:08:27.762 --> 01:08:29.525
And what's wrong with me?

01:08:29.595 --> 01:08:33.827
Why should the thought
of Amanda sleeping with someone

01:08:33.895 --> 01:08:36.386
be both excruciating and exciting?

01:08:36.461 --> 01:08:38.986
I feel like committing suicide,

01:08:39.062 --> 01:08:42.088
but I have so many problems,
that wouldn't solve them all.

01:08:42.162 --> 01:08:45.131
What should I do?
What would you do?

01:08:45.195 --> 01:08:48.062
Huh?
What do I do?

01:08:48.129 --> 01:08:51.121
If it was me, Falk,
I would follow her.

01:08:51.195 --> 01:08:53.561
Why do you put these paranoid thoughts
in my head?

01:08:53.629 --> 01:08:57.087
Why does she wear a diaphragm?
Why isn't she on the pill?

01:08:57.162 --> 01:09:00.928
It's hormonal.
The pill makes her crazy.

01:09:00.996 --> 01:09:04.056
The pill makes her crazy?
Falk, she is crazy!

01:09:04.130 --> 01:09:07.395
The Pentagon should use her hormones
for chemical warfare!

01:09:07.462 --> 01:09:11.159
I don't get it. Where is it?
Where is her diaphragm?

01:09:11.230 --> 01:09:13.289
Well, you know, I can imagine.

01:09:13.363 --> 01:09:15.763
I've never followed anyone.

01:09:15.829 --> 01:09:18.195
It's not rocket science, Falk.

01:09:18.263 --> 01:09:22.097
The trick is not to be seen.
Where is she now?

01:09:22.163 --> 01:09:23.926
- Acting class.
- You think.

01:09:23.996 --> 01:09:28.126
Christ, don't say that.
Of course she's at acting class.

01:09:28.196 --> 01:09:31.290
She wouldn't miss that.
It's too crucial.

01:09:31.363 --> 01:09:35.697
And that's where she sees
her acting partner, Ray Polito.

01:09:35.763 --> 01:09:40.132
Look, I'm not good at following.
Why don't you come with me?

01:09:40.197 --> 01:09:43.098
I can't.
I promised students I'd take them

01:09:43.164 --> 01:09:46.827
to the Caravaggio exhibit
at the Metropolitan Museum.

01:09:46.897 --> 01:09:48.865
I give them a little culture now and then

01:09:48.930 --> 01:09:52.195
so they don't beat each other to death
with bicycle chains.

01:09:52.264 --> 01:09:55.233
I'm too nervous to follow her.

01:09:55.297 --> 01:09:57.595
There's nothing to it, you know.

01:09:57.664 --> 01:10:02.397
You're worried about what you're
going to find, that's all.

01:10:02.464 --> 01:10:04.694
You are a writer.
You have a gift.

01:10:04.764 --> 01:10:10.600
You should have a girlfriend
who helps you and is encouraging,

01:10:10.665 --> 01:10:15.295
not some mercurial little Jitterbug
who'll have you hold up filling stations

01:10:15.365 --> 01:10:19.233
- to keep her in mood elevators.
- I shouldn't have looked.

01:10:19.298 --> 01:10:21.789
What you don't know will kill you!

01:10:21.866 --> 01:10:24.858
What you don't know won't hurt you,
it'll kill you.

01:10:24.932 --> 01:10:28.026
Like if they tell you
you're going to showers

01:10:28.099 --> 01:10:30.897
but they turn out not to be showers.

01:11:06.000 --> 01:11:09.094
Ray Polito.
I knew it.

01:11:53.069 --> 01:11:56.732
[Amanda:] Where were you?
We have theater tickets tonight.

01:11:56.803 --> 01:12:00.204
Paula, could you excuse us?
I have to talk to Amanda.

01:12:00.269 --> 01:12:03.295
My God, Jerry.
Has the president been shot?

01:12:03.369 --> 01:12:05.462
Fine with me.
I have a date tonight.

01:12:05.536 --> 01:12:08.972
[Amanda:] What? You have a date?
With who?

01:12:09.036 --> 01:12:12.233
I must confess.
It's with a guy who picked me up.

01:12:12.303 --> 01:12:14.669
- Where?
- At my AA meeting.

01:12:14.736 --> 01:12:17.796
- Great. An alcoholic.
- He's not an alcoholic.

01:12:17.870 --> 01:12:19.929
He's the alcoholic's friend, the enabler.

01:12:20.003 --> 01:12:22.335
Even better.
What does he do?

01:12:22.403 --> 01:12:25.964
- He's a horse whisperer.
- What are you talking about?

01:12:26.036 --> 01:12:28.197
- What are you looking for, your keys?
- Yes.

01:12:28.270 --> 01:12:31.068
- They're over here.
- He's 26 years old.

01:12:31.137 --> 01:12:35.403
Fabulous. You're going out
with a 26-year-old horse whisperer.

01:12:35.470 --> 01:12:37.734
- [Falk:] Amanda, could I talk to you?
- Hold on!

01:12:37.804 --> 01:12:42.070
- Would you really care if I got a tattoo?
- Yes.

01:12:42.138 --> 01:12:43.867
- We'll discuss it later.
- No, Mom.

01:12:43.937 --> 01:12:46.735
- We'll discuss it.
- Mom, don't.

01:12:46.804 --> 01:12:49.272
Mom, your keys.
Your keys.

01:12:49.338 --> 01:12:52.830
- Thanks.
- Jesus, you're so crazy!

01:12:52.905 --> 01:12:55.032
- Where were you today?
- Acting class.

01:12:55.104 --> 01:12:56.901
No, I mean after.

01:12:56.972 --> 01:13:00.237
At a girlfriend's apartment,
rehearsing a scene.

01:13:00.304 --> 01:13:02.602
No. No, you weren't

01:13:02.671 --> 01:13:07.005
because I know you were in
the school building with your teacher.

01:13:07.072 --> 01:13:09.302
That's right. I saw you.

01:13:09.372 --> 01:13:12.307
- How?
- I was spying on you.

01:13:12.372 --> 01:13:15.773
- Spying?
- That's right. I saw the three of you.

01:13:15.839 --> 01:13:19.605
You, your acting teacher
and your diaphragm.

01:13:19.672 --> 01:13:23.403
Your diaphragm. It's not here,
so where could it be?

01:13:23.472 --> 01:13:27.033
There's no such thing
as a diaphragm repair shop.

01:13:27.106 --> 01:13:30.007
I was there, Amanda.
I saw it all.

01:13:30.073 --> 01:13:33.201
Okay. Okay, I slept with Ron Keller.

01:13:33.273 --> 01:13:36.174
But I didn't do it
because I care about him.

01:13:36.240 --> 01:13:39.641
No? What then?
To punish him?

01:13:39.707 --> 01:13:43.973
I had to find out
if something was wrong with me.

01:13:44.039 --> 01:13:48.100
I can't sleep with you,
the person that I love.

01:13:48.173 --> 01:13:52.872
I had to know if I was
some kind of freak, or frigid.

01:13:52.940 --> 01:13:57.775
I had to know if I could even get
aroused anymore and have an orgasm!

01:13:57.840 --> 01:14:00.035
And can you?

01:14:00.107 --> 01:14:02.473
Yeah. It's good news.
I can!

01:14:02.541 --> 01:14:05.704
Okay. I want out of this relationship.

01:14:05.773 --> 01:14:09.766
Jerry, don't say that.
You know I need you.

01:14:09.841 --> 01:14:11.832
Need me? How can you need me

01:14:11.908 --> 01:14:16.436
when all these positive feelings
happen with everyone but me?

01:14:16.508 --> 01:14:20.000
Not everybody.
Just Ron Keller.

01:14:20.075 --> 01:14:22.839
He reminds me of my father.

01:14:22.908 --> 01:14:24.967
I remind you of your father.

01:14:25.041 --> 01:14:28.602
You remind me of the good parts.
He reminds me of the bad.

01:14:28.674 --> 01:14:31.302
I figured I should try everything.

01:14:31.375 --> 01:14:34.208
You know, to figure out
what the problem is.

01:14:34.275 --> 01:14:37.972
How did I get to be the good father?
What am I, Kris Kringle?

01:14:38.041 --> 01:14:42.978
It is a maddening problem.
We had to try every kind of foreplay.

01:14:43.042 --> 01:14:46.409
Where's the rifle?
I'm going to blow my brains out.

01:14:46.475 --> 01:14:50.639
Don't be so middle-class!
I did it as much for you as for me.

01:14:50.709 --> 01:14:56.079
Oh, thank you. For me?
Thank you so much for thinking of me.

01:14:56.143 --> 01:14:58.168
Well, it worked.

01:14:58.243 --> 01:15:02.111
Now I know that I can get excited.
Very excited.

01:15:02.176 --> 01:15:05.304
Passionate!
I can have orgasms.

01:15:05.376 --> 01:15:08.311
Like the ones I had
when we first started dating.

01:15:08.376 --> 01:15:11.937
You know? Multiple ones,
where I claw the walls.

01:15:12.010 --> 01:15:14.570
I'm so happy to hear this, Amanda!
Really.

01:15:14.643 --> 01:15:17.339
This is Just music to my ears.

01:15:17.410 --> 01:15:21.574
I don't need the rifle.
I'll Just hemorrhage here on the carpet.

01:15:21.644 --> 01:15:25.011
Jerry, don't be mad.

01:15:25.077 --> 01:15:28.240
And don't be mad at Ron.
He was Just trying to help.

01:15:28.310 --> 01:15:31.973
Ron? How could I be upset at Ron?

01:15:32.044 --> 01:15:35.275
In fact, I'll put him
on my Christmas list,

01:15:35.344 --> 01:15:38.108
if I can figure out
how to make a letter bomb.

01:15:38.178 --> 01:15:41.705
Jerry...
Jerry, please.

01:15:41.777 --> 01:15:46.271
[Sniffles] Please.
You know I love you so much.

01:15:46.345 --> 01:15:49.314
I need you.
I can't live without you.

01:15:49.378 --> 01:15:52.108
Jerry, please?

01:15:52.178 --> 01:15:56.308
That's bullshit, Falk.
I don't buy any of it.

01:15:56.378 --> 01:15:58.608
She says she did it therapeutically.

01:15:58.678 --> 01:16:02.614
That's the kind of therapy they advertise
on the back of the Village Voice.

01:16:02.678 --> 01:16:06.239
She wanted to make sure
she could still become aroused.

01:16:06.312 --> 01:16:10.476
Well, I'm glad to hear
the little sweetheart can still...

01:16:10.546 --> 01:16:14.778
You know, it's not in vino veritas.

01:16:14.845 --> 01:16:18.008
It's in eros veritas.

01:16:18.079 --> 01:16:22.015
I don't know what to do, Dobel.
I'm totally confused.

01:16:22.079 --> 01:16:25.810
You said it. You're afraid to sleep alone.
That's the whole story.

01:16:25.880 --> 01:16:30.112
You surround yourself
with this farrago of baby-sitters,

01:16:30.180 --> 01:16:35.311
this loving-disabled sex kitten
who's driving you crazy,

01:16:35.380 --> 01:16:38.247
the Jew manager, you know?

01:16:38.313 --> 01:16:41.942
Let me tell you,
I am of the Hebrew persuasion,

01:16:42.013 --> 01:16:44.345
but that guy who handles you

01:16:44.413 --> 01:16:49.578
is a member of one of the lost tribes
of Israel that should have remained lost.

01:16:49.647 --> 01:16:54.812
And you got this shrink who, like God,
never speaks and, like God, is dead.

01:16:54.881 --> 01:17:01.184
There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.

01:17:01.248 --> 01:17:05.116
That's why you have to build
a survival kit.

01:17:05.181 --> 01:17:09.584
Do you have a little time now?
I want to chat with you.

01:17:11.414 --> 01:17:15.510
It's Just a Joint,
but they have great Chinese food.

01:17:15.581 --> 01:17:19.142
We're in luck.
There's a guy pulling out.

01:17:21.781 --> 01:17:25.512
Let me speak to you about something.

01:17:26.415 --> 01:17:32.012
I have an acquaintance
out in California who produces

01:17:32.082 --> 01:17:34.676
and he's doing some
comedy shows on television.

01:17:34.749 --> 01:17:38.207
I know they're looking
for teams of writers.

01:17:38.282 --> 01:17:42.844
If I told them that you and I were a team,
I think we could get hired.

01:17:42.916 --> 01:17:43.974
In California?

01:17:44.049 --> 01:17:47.450
Yeah. All the action is out there.
It's not here.

01:17:47.515 --> 01:17:49.415
I don't know what Amanda would say.

01:17:49.482 --> 01:17:52.007
Though her mother's always wanted
to go to Hollywood.

01:17:52.083 --> 01:17:56.452
Can I explain something?
I'm talking about a clean break.

01:17:56.516 --> 01:18:00.748
Me with the Board of Education,
and you with everybody.

01:18:00.816 --> 01:18:04.616
With that fish peddler,
garment center manager you have,

01:18:04.683 --> 01:18:09.086
with your shrink and with that little girl
who gives you a hard time.

01:18:09.149 --> 01:18:11.709
I can't just leave...
go by myself?

01:18:11.783 --> 01:18:14.081
Not go by yourself. Go with me.

01:18:14.150 --> 01:18:17.278
We'd go together so you can't
fall back on being alone.

01:18:17.351 --> 01:18:19.615
I've given it a lot of thought, Falk,

01:18:19.683 --> 01:18:24.245
and I know for me, it's now or never.

01:18:24.317 --> 01:18:26.410
[Car starting]

01:18:26.484 --> 01:18:30.250
Think about it.
Just think about it.

01:18:38.718 --> 01:18:41.186
Hey!

01:18:45.285 --> 01:18:47.719
Hey, I was waiting
for this space for five minutes.

01:18:47.784 --> 01:18:50.617
I was here for five minutes, waiting...

01:18:50.685 --> 01:18:53.483
You got a problem with me parking here?

01:18:53.552 --> 01:18:56.453
You been waiting? Too bad.
You slow, you blow.

01:18:56.518 --> 01:18:59.976
- I'm a busy man. I have things to do.
- But I was...

01:19:00.051 --> 01:19:02.849
What, are you high on crack
to be arguing with him?!

01:19:02.919 --> 01:19:06.548
- I was waiting here for five minutes!
- You want to meet God?

01:19:06.619 --> 01:19:08.553
Do you? Get out of here!

01:19:08.619 --> 01:19:11.747
Go home, old man.
Do what the man says.

01:19:11.819 --> 01:19:13.912
Go, before I kick you in the ass!

01:19:13.986 --> 01:19:18.116
Get in your car and go home.
And you, turn around!

01:19:19.119 --> 01:19:21.019
Idiots!

01:19:25.386 --> 01:19:27.445
My God, Dobel.

01:19:27.519 --> 01:19:30.386
Either one of those guys
could have beat you to a pulp.

01:19:30.453 --> 01:19:33.047
Is it so important you insist?

01:19:33.120 --> 01:19:35.247
Life's unfair.
You said it yourself.

01:19:35.320 --> 01:19:39.051
Those guys have the muscles
and we're blessed with wit.

01:19:39.120 --> 01:19:43.022
Later on, in the quiet and safety
of some delicatessen,

01:19:43.087 --> 01:19:47.046
we can write a biting satire
and expose all their foibles

01:19:47.120 --> 01:19:50.521
and have a great, big laugh.
Two Jerks.

01:19:50.587 --> 01:19:53.613
[Falk:] But in the meantime,
they've got the biceps.

01:19:53.687 --> 01:19:56.019
[Brakes squealing]
What are you doing?

01:19:57.320 --> 01:20:01.757
Why are you parking?
Dobel, what are you doing?

01:20:01.821 --> 01:20:07.851
Why are we back here?
What is that for? Dobel!

01:20:10.655 --> 01:20:12.816
Oh, my God. Dobel!

01:20:16.855 --> 01:20:18.447
Dobel!

01:20:24.788 --> 01:20:27.552
Dobel, let's go! My god.

01:20:27.622 --> 01:20:30.716
You're sick in the head,
you know that? Crazy!

01:20:30.788 --> 01:20:33.416
[Engine sputtering]

01:20:33.489 --> 01:20:35.889
Start the car.

01:20:35.955 --> 01:20:38.116
What are you doing?
[Engine starts]

01:20:47.222 --> 01:20:50.487
[Typing]

01:20:53.290 --> 01:20:55.622
I had mixed feelings over the day.

01:20:55.689 --> 01:21:00.251
On the one hand, I was convinced
Dobel was a raving, psychotic lunatic.

01:21:00.323 --> 01:21:04.089
On the other hand, I had
a kind of odd admiration for him.

01:21:04.156 --> 01:21:07.319
I would have Just slinked away, bullied.
You know?

01:21:07.390 --> 01:21:10.882
But he wouldn't let the injustice rest.
He resisted.

01:21:10.957 --> 01:21:13.425
There are always some people
who will resist.

01:21:13.490 --> 01:21:17.256
And, as he says,
the issue is always fascism.

01:21:45.591 --> 01:21:48.219
He's nuts.

01:21:50.392 --> 01:21:54.260
And yet the thought
of giving up everything here

01:21:54.325 --> 01:21:59.991
and starting fresh in California,
it's so tempting and exhilarating.

01:22:00.058 --> 01:22:03.824
Why do I get so scared?
Because I'm not a leaver.

01:22:03.892 --> 01:22:07.453
The one time Amanda
and I broke up, she left me.

01:22:07.627 --> 01:22:11.495
It all happened too fast.
I was overwhelmed by you.

01:22:11.560 --> 01:22:15.155
It was a whirlwind and right away,
we were living together!

01:22:15.227 --> 01:22:18.390
I think we'd both benefit
by some time apart.

01:22:18.461 --> 01:22:20.952
I don't need time apart.
I know I love you.

01:22:21.027 --> 01:22:22.460
Well, I do!

01:22:22.527 --> 01:22:24.757
I can't think.
[Horn honking]

01:22:24.828 --> 01:22:29.663
I get these migraines and sometimes,
my throat closes up and I can't breathe.

01:22:29.728 --> 01:22:32.288
I feel trapped and suffocated!

01:22:32.361 --> 01:22:35.194
Maybe if we slept
with the window open.

01:22:35.261 --> 01:22:38.526
- I'll move in with April.
- What if you return to a shrink?

01:22:38.594 --> 01:22:41.620
I told you, shrinks don't work for me.
I know how to fool them.

01:22:41.694 --> 01:22:46.563
Just all that talk about
how we were made for each other,

01:22:46.629 --> 01:22:48.859
and marriage, I...

01:22:50.595 --> 01:22:53.223
She moved out.
I was miserable.

01:22:53.295 --> 01:22:56.822
Eating moo goo gai pan
out of boxes every night,

01:22:56.895 --> 01:22:59.193
having dreams of death.

01:22:59.261 --> 01:23:03.322
I tried dating, but it was hard
getting her out of my mind.

01:23:08.129 --> 01:23:11.963
Why don't you come
to the ladies' room?

01:23:12.029 --> 01:23:15.624
The door locks.
We can be alone.

01:23:16.696 --> 01:23:21.395
The wine has put me, um,
very much in the mood.

01:23:21.463 --> 01:23:27.095
Okay. I'll count to 30
and meet you in the ladies' room.

01:23:27.163 --> 01:23:29.097
Meet me where?

01:23:29.163 --> 01:23:31.358
I'm sorry.

01:23:31.430 --> 01:23:34.957
My mind was somewhere else.

01:23:35.030 --> 01:23:38.522
[Falk:] Then, a few weeks later,
Just as suddenly as she moved out,

01:23:38.597 --> 01:23:39.757
Amanda returned.

01:23:39.830 --> 01:23:43.960
[Amanda:] I'm back.
But if you don't want me, I understand.

01:23:44.030 --> 01:23:46.021
You're back?

01:23:46.097 --> 01:23:51.831
I couldn't be without you.
I tried, but I Just couldn't.

01:23:51.897 --> 01:23:56.197
You didn't move in with
your girlfriend April, like you said.

01:23:56.264 --> 01:24:00.564
I found out you went to Naples
with Tony Hanken.

01:24:00.631 --> 01:24:02.462
Well, you can understand.

01:24:02.531 --> 01:24:05.762
He wanted me to go with him
to Naples and Rome.

01:24:05.831 --> 01:24:08.197
It sounded so romantic.

01:24:08.264 --> 01:24:13.224
Those are places I've dreamed of.
I thought that's what I wanted.

01:24:13.298 --> 01:24:16.131
But I missed you too much.

01:24:16.198 --> 01:24:18.564
But of course you made love with him.

01:24:18.632 --> 01:24:21.192
Yes, but I thought of you.

01:24:21.265 --> 01:24:25.634
You were really the person I was
making love to in Naples and Florence

01:24:25.698 --> 01:24:29.225
and Venice, on the airplane
40,000 feet in the air...

01:24:29.299 --> 01:24:30.789
Okay. Enough.

01:24:30.865 --> 01:24:34.028
Oh, yeah... and at the Vatican.

01:24:34.099 --> 01:24:37.159
All I could think about
while we were doing it

01:24:37.232 --> 01:24:40.395
was how much
you would love that ceiling.

01:24:40.466 --> 01:24:44.493
So I'm back.
I'm home because...

01:24:44.566 --> 01:24:48.093
I can't live without you.

01:24:48.166 --> 01:24:52.364
[Falk:] We made love that night.
It was wonderful.

01:24:52.433 --> 01:24:55.800
If only certain moments in life
could last,

01:24:55.866 --> 01:24:59.563
Just stay frozen,
like some old vase.

01:25:04.634 --> 01:25:07.398
[Typing]

01:25:20.767 --> 01:25:23.031
[Door opens, woman laughing]

01:25:25.534 --> 01:25:30.028
Paula, would you keep it down?
You're going to wake Amanda.

01:25:30.101 --> 01:25:32.934
Jerry, you haven't met Ralph.
This is Ralph!

01:25:33.002 --> 01:25:35.698
Can you keep it down?
Amanda's...

01:25:35.768 --> 01:25:38.259
we saw Elaine Stritch
on Broadway tonight.

01:25:38.334 --> 01:25:39.733
She was magnificent!

01:25:39.801 --> 01:25:42.031
Unbelievable!
I wish I could do that!

01:25:42.102 --> 01:25:43.535
- You can.
- I can.

01:25:43.601 --> 01:25:45.569
I mean, I have a voice.

01:25:45.635 --> 01:25:48.195
I Just need some snappy dialogue
from you, Jerry.

01:25:48.268 --> 01:25:52.398
Absolutely. I'm sorry.
I'm, uh...

01:25:52.469 --> 01:25:55.495
[Paula:] Ralph, don't give me much.
I've never had cocaine before.

01:25:55.569 --> 01:25:58.129
- Okay, Just a little.
- Is that coc... what are you...

01:25:58.202 --> 01:26:00.033
- Is that, uh...?
- It's blow.

01:26:00.103 --> 01:26:04.904
Blow? What are you doing with blow?
And on my computer?

01:26:04.969 --> 01:26:07.164
You're such a stick in the mud!

01:26:07.236 --> 01:26:10.296
- You can partake.
- I'm not going to partake.

01:26:10.370 --> 01:26:13.362
- What is going on?
- I said they'd wake you.

01:26:13.436 --> 01:26:16.667
Mother, you know how
difficult it is for me to sleep.

01:26:16.737 --> 01:26:18.898
I took two sleeping pills tonight.

01:26:18.969 --> 01:26:22.461
We saw Elaine Stritch on Broadway.
You want some cocaine?

01:26:22.536 --> 01:26:27.838
No, we don't want any cocaine, Amanda.

01:26:27.903 --> 01:26:30.531
- I've never tried it.
- I've never tried lots of things!

01:26:30.603 --> 01:26:33.538
- Bungee Jumping, alligator wrestling.
- I'd have a little.

01:26:33.603 --> 01:26:36.766
- You don't know what you're doing!
- No fears, Jerry.

01:26:36.837 --> 01:26:38.668
Ralph knows exactly what he's doing.

01:26:38.737 --> 01:26:42.833
- Nothing to worry about.
- Great. I won't be a part of this.

01:26:42.903 --> 01:26:45.030
[Paula:] You are so goddamn prissy!

01:26:45.104 --> 01:26:46.833
Thank you very much, Paula.

01:26:46.904 --> 01:26:50.271
She has a point.
You're never up for anything.

01:26:50.337 --> 01:26:53.568
I'm up for things that
you're not up for. Okay?

01:26:53.638 --> 01:26:57.233
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.

01:26:57.305 --> 01:27:00.206
- [Snorting]
- I'm not going to snort cocaine, okay?

01:27:00.271 --> 01:27:04.037
I'm a nice, square Jewish boy, okay?

01:27:04.105 --> 01:27:07.404
I'm not putting anything up my nose.
My God, Paula!

01:27:07.472 --> 01:27:09.997
- Are you kidding me?
- I don't know. I do it right?

01:27:10.071 --> 01:27:12.665
Itíll make you feel sexy, Jerry.

01:27:12.739 --> 01:27:15.037
Does it?
Does it make you feel sexy?

01:27:15.105 --> 01:27:18.302
- [Ralph:] Sexy.
- This could be interesting.

01:27:18.372 --> 01:27:21.773
Some people it makes feel sexy.
Other it makes belligerent.

01:27:21.839 --> 01:27:23.670
With my luck, you'll take a knife to me.

01:27:23.739 --> 01:27:26.230
[Ralph:] Come on, Just do a line!

01:27:26.306 --> 01:27:30.003
You know what this does to your
nasal membranes? Eats them raw.

01:27:30.072 --> 01:27:32.768
- Just do some with me.
- No!

01:27:32.839 --> 01:27:36.206
Maybe it'll turn me on.

01:27:36.272 --> 01:27:38.502
Darling, have a drink.

01:27:38.573 --> 01:27:40.063
I have to talk to Dobel.

01:27:40.139 --> 01:27:44.166
[Paula:] It's Just a social thing.
It's not like we're drug addicts.

01:27:44.239 --> 01:27:47.140
They snorted cocaine!
Can you believe that?

01:27:47.207 --> 01:27:51.303
My mother fed me Cheerios.
She's giving her daughter coke!

01:27:51.374 --> 01:27:55.401
By the way, it did not
solve our problem in bed.

01:27:55.474 --> 01:27:59.740
I was not making eyes
at my mother's boyfriend.

01:27:59.806 --> 01:28:02.707
God, you're so paranoid.

01:28:02.774 --> 01:28:05.038
Why would I be interested
in a horse whisperer

01:28:05.107 --> 01:28:10.340
who lives in Topanga Canyon
and has one of those giant SUVs

01:28:10.407 --> 01:28:13.740
and stupid German Shepherds
and chain saws.

01:28:13.807 --> 01:28:16.742
How do you know
so much about him?

01:28:16.807 --> 01:28:20.937
Well, he was interesting to talk to.

01:28:21.007 --> 01:28:26.468
So you're saying you're on the defensive
because you wouldn't snort cocaine?

01:28:26.540 --> 01:28:30.032
It's not the cocaine.
It's the principle.

01:28:30.107 --> 01:28:33.099
- What principle?
- And, you know, she's not entirely wrong.

01:28:33.173 --> 01:28:37.940
I mean, I am too rigid and disciplined.

01:28:38.674 --> 01:28:42.405
- What is this?
- You don't want to know.

01:28:42.474 --> 01:28:47.673
What is it, a monologue
for some alleged comedian

01:28:47.741 --> 01:28:51.802
who thinks to be offensive
is in itself enough to be funny?

01:28:51.874 --> 01:28:56.106
I wish it were.
I certainly can't write at home anymore.

01:28:56.174 --> 01:29:00.406
- What is it?
- My contract extension with Harvey.

01:29:01.108 --> 01:29:05.010
- Unsigned, of course.
- You don't understand, okay?

01:29:05.075 --> 01:29:09.637
If I don't re-up with him,
he will truly die.

01:29:09.708 --> 01:29:11.835
- He'll commit suicide.
- I understand.

01:29:11.908 --> 01:29:14.433
No, I understand completely.

01:29:14.509 --> 01:29:17.740
What are you doing?
Dobel, what the hell are you doing?!

01:29:17.808 --> 01:29:20.572
- What is wrong with you?!
- Where are you meeting him?

01:29:20.642 --> 01:29:22.371
What did you do?!

01:29:22.442 --> 01:29:26.378
- At Isabella's. What did you do?
- Well, go in and tell him it's over.

01:29:26.442 --> 01:29:30.640
Tell him you and I are going
to California to write as a team.

01:29:30.709 --> 01:29:33.405
Are you insane?
Why did you tear this up?!

01:29:33.476 --> 01:29:37.207
Because you're not spending
five more minutes with this guy,

01:29:37.276 --> 01:29:40.177
much less seven years
with this fumbling vantz

01:29:40.243 --> 01:29:42.541
who robs you blind with a sliding scale.

01:29:42.610 --> 01:29:45.977
I can't tell him it's over, Dobel.
I cannot...

01:29:46.043 --> 01:29:48.910
I'll go with you.
I'll sit in the place while you tell him.

01:29:48.976 --> 01:29:51.774
I'll give you moral support.
And don't beat around the bush.

01:29:51.844 --> 01:29:54.210
Once you tergiversate, you're lost.

01:30:07.511 --> 01:30:10.173
I'm sorry I'm late.

01:30:10.244 --> 01:30:13.304
My mom has this hyperactive thyroid.

01:30:13.378 --> 01:30:17.178
Sorry.

01:30:17.244 --> 01:30:19.144
I ran into Dick Mallory.

01:30:19.211 --> 01:30:21.975
He's working with a comic
who needs material.

01:30:22.045 --> 01:30:25.310
I naturally told him your price.

01:30:25.378 --> 01:30:28.939
I said, you know, what you get.

01:30:29.012 --> 01:30:31.947
The kid works dirty.
A lot of bathroom Jokes.

01:30:32.012 --> 01:30:36.346
I said, "Look, Jerry Falk is a professional.

01:30:36.412 --> 01:30:42.112
"If what you need are bathroom Jokes,
he can do them."

01:30:42.178 --> 01:30:44.271
Harvey?

01:30:44.345 --> 01:30:47.644
- What's wrong with your voice?
- We should talk.

01:30:47.712 --> 01:30:50.010
Yeah. That's the way I am.

01:30:50.079 --> 01:30:53.947
I always like to settle business
before the meal.

01:30:54.013 --> 01:30:57.414
This way, you can relax
and enjoy lunch.

01:30:57.480 --> 01:31:00.813
You brought the contract, right?

01:31:01.713 --> 01:31:03.704
Harvey...

01:31:03.780 --> 01:31:07.511
there's no question that you were there
for me from the start.

01:31:07.580 --> 01:31:11.072
And if you think it's easy
selling an 18-year-old unknown...

01:31:11.146 --> 01:31:13.580
it's a Jungle out there.

01:31:13.646 --> 01:31:17.480
And, and you've done
a very professional Job.

01:31:17.546 --> 01:31:21.482
And I've paid you...
I mean, the sliding scale.

01:31:21.546 --> 01:31:25.004
You know, even though
it slid toward you.

01:31:25.080 --> 01:31:28.413
Now... now I see myself

01:31:28.481 --> 01:31:30.574
moving in a whole new direction.

01:31:30.647 --> 01:31:32.342
Meaning?

01:31:32.414 --> 01:31:36.510
Basically, I'm interested
in more serious things.

01:31:36.581 --> 01:31:40.540
A novel, maybe some plays,
maybe not even comedy.

01:31:42.447 --> 01:31:47.350
The dollars are in the Jokes.
Funny is money.

01:31:47.415 --> 01:31:51.909
I mean, you know, as a hobby,
later, when you're rich

01:31:51.981 --> 01:31:55.610
someday, if you want to try a book... fine.

01:31:55.682 --> 01:31:59.413
Although... the young kids are not readers.

01:31:59.482 --> 01:32:01.279
Harvey...

01:32:01.348 --> 01:32:04.010
What? You're all flushed.

01:32:05.515 --> 01:32:08.416
I'm not going to re-sign with you.

01:32:08.482 --> 01:32:09.915
What?

01:32:09.982 --> 01:32:14.442
Now I know this may be a little,
uh, disappointing to you,

01:32:14.516 --> 01:32:19.249
but I'm moving to California
and reevaluating my priorities.

01:32:19.316 --> 01:32:23.013
- You're what?
- I'm not going to need a manager.

01:32:28.683 --> 01:32:30.708
You're not re-signing with me?

01:32:30.783 --> 01:32:32.774
It's not the end of the world.

01:32:32.850 --> 01:32:37.617
- You're dumping me?
- No, not dumping. I'm moving.

01:32:37.683 --> 01:32:40.584
I'm changing my goals.
Don't take it badly.

01:32:40.649 --> 01:32:44.050
No! My life...

01:32:44.117 --> 01:32:48.349
My life is over.
You're not re-signing with me?!

01:32:48.417 --> 01:32:50.282
Harvey, calm down.

01:32:50.350 --> 01:32:53.786
But my future! My plans!

01:32:53.851 --> 01:32:57.480
The humiliation!
You're dumping me!

01:32:57.550 --> 01:32:59.347
You're overreacting.

01:32:59.417 --> 01:33:02.511
You ungrateful,

01:33:02.584 --> 01:33:06.520
phony, two-timing...
you louse!

01:33:06.584 --> 01:33:09.052
Folks, this is not what you think.

01:33:09.118 --> 01:33:12.679
- I've invested all my dreams in you!
- I'm leaving town.

01:33:12.751 --> 01:33:15.447
- What have I done wrong?!
- Nothing.

01:33:15.518 --> 01:33:17.850
- How have I failed you?!
- You've been great.

01:33:17.918 --> 01:33:19.613
Can we discuss this elsewhere?

01:33:19.685 --> 01:33:24.122
This is the loyalty I get
for years of struggle?!

01:33:24.185 --> 01:33:26.847
Harvey, not everybody
signs every contract for life.

01:33:26.918 --> 01:33:31.946
The room is turning black!
Turning black!

01:33:32.019 --> 01:33:34.510
Air! Air!

01:33:38.319 --> 01:33:40.617
Dobel! Dobel!

01:33:40.686 --> 01:33:43.678
He's firing me!
This is the payoff I get!

01:33:43.753 --> 01:33:46.017
- I'm out!
- He's taking it badly.

01:33:46.085 --> 01:33:49.077
- Pains in my chest!
- Can we get some brandy for him?

01:33:49.152 --> 01:33:51.950
Please reconsider.
Tell him to reconsider.

01:33:52.020 --> 01:33:54.113
I'll go home and think about it.

01:33:54.186 --> 01:33:57.986
Listen to me!
He's not reconsidering.

01:33:58.053 --> 01:34:00.419
He's moving on.
Get on with your life.

01:34:00.487 --> 01:34:02.614
[People gasping]

01:34:04.653 --> 01:34:06.484
Everybody, stand back.
Relax.

01:34:06.553 --> 01:34:08.384
Oh, my God!

01:34:08.453 --> 01:34:10.648
[Dobel:] There seems to be
a pulse beat here.

01:34:10.720 --> 01:34:13.416
- [Falk:] What have I done?
- We should get an ambulance.

01:34:13.487 --> 01:34:16.251
An ambulance? What have I done?
Oh, my God!

01:34:16.320 --> 01:34:18.720
Relax. The paramedics
will pound on the chest.

01:34:18.787 --> 01:34:21.984
I killed him!
I shouldn't have listened to you.

01:34:22.054 --> 01:34:26.718
Sometimes the victim comes back.
You don't need a manager.

01:34:26.787 --> 01:34:29.312
Well, maybe not,
but I don't need him to die.

01:34:29.388 --> 01:34:33.950
Relax! If he dies because
you don't sign a contract with him,

01:34:34.021 --> 01:34:36.785
then you should have
nothing to do with him.

01:34:36.855 --> 01:34:38.322
Harvey?

01:34:39.388 --> 01:34:44.257
[Falk:] Harvey did not die.
As Dobel predicted, he survived.

01:34:44.321 --> 01:34:47.381
I walked around in the city,
trying to get my thoughts in order.

01:34:47.454 --> 01:34:51.720
Whenever I'm unsure or troubled,
I take to the city streets.

01:34:51.788 --> 01:34:53.949
Walking in New York clears my head.

01:34:54.022 --> 01:34:56.115
I couldn't deny it.

01:34:56.188 --> 01:34:59.749
There was a feeling of freedom,
of exhilaration.

01:34:59.822 --> 01:35:01.551
[Falk:] Hey!

01:35:01.622 --> 01:35:03.556
- Hi!
- Hey.

01:35:03.622 --> 01:35:05.556
Jerry, you remember Connie.

01:35:05.622 --> 01:35:08.750
- Connie, nice to see you.
- I invited her for dinner.

01:35:08.822 --> 01:35:11.154
- You're cooking?
- Yes.

01:35:11.223 --> 01:35:13.691
I'm making spaghetti.

01:35:13.756 --> 01:35:16.156
He makes fun of me
because I only know how

01:35:16.223 --> 01:35:18.453
to make spaghetti for eight people.

01:35:18.523 --> 01:35:21.617
I can't change
the recipe proportionally.

01:35:21.690 --> 01:35:25.319
So tonight we'll be having
five extra portions.

01:35:25.390 --> 01:35:29.326
[Falk:] I have news!
I've parted ways with Harvey.

01:35:29.390 --> 01:35:31.415
Oh.

01:35:31.490 --> 01:35:33.390
The spaghetti for eight is terrific.

01:35:33.456 --> 01:35:35.185
Let me explain what happened.

01:35:35.256 --> 01:35:38.089
There I am, having a nice time,
a little drunk.

01:35:38.157 --> 01:35:42.059
I have two drinks and I'm ready
to hold up a Brink's truck.

01:35:42.124 --> 01:35:46.959
I start to see what it is about Connie
that Amanda had raved about.

01:35:47.024 --> 01:35:50.858
She was very charming
and pretty and smart.

01:35:50.923 --> 01:35:55.656
I started to get the feeling
that she was finding me engaging.

01:35:55.724 --> 01:35:59.490
I've never found conventionally
handsome men attractive.

01:35:59.557 --> 01:36:02.458
I much prefer faces with character.

01:36:02.524 --> 01:36:07.427
I've fallen for some pretty
odd-looking men in my life.

01:36:07.491 --> 01:36:11.951
[Falk:] After dinner, I found myself
alone in the kitchen with Connie

01:36:12.025 --> 01:36:14.084
and wanting to touch her.

01:36:14.158 --> 01:36:18.322
I say this because it was the first time
since meeting Amanda

01:36:18.392 --> 01:36:20.485
I'd even looked at another woman.

01:36:20.558 --> 01:36:24.688
And I began to feel that
maybe the time had come for me

01:36:24.759 --> 01:36:28.456
to pack up and start over
in California with Dobel.

01:36:28.525 --> 01:36:32.393
I'm terminating our sessions and
moving to California with Dobel.

01:36:32.458 --> 01:36:34.653
There's a Job waiting for us.

01:36:34.725 --> 01:36:38.559
I'll miss New York,
but if I can accumulate enough money,

01:36:38.626 --> 01:36:42.460
I can return and work on
my own projects.

01:36:42.526 --> 01:36:45.256
What do you think about my decision?

01:36:45.326 --> 01:36:48.193
What do you think about it?

01:36:51.326 --> 01:36:55.558
I told them I'm leaving.
I gave notice and I won't starve.

01:36:55.626 --> 01:36:58.857
I've saved some money.
The thing I'll miss most is the kids.

01:36:58.926 --> 01:37:01.793
The kids are wonderful. Bright.

01:37:01.860 --> 01:37:04.488
You should see the creative ways

01:37:04.560 --> 01:37:08.326
they smuggle weapons
past the metal detectors. It's amazing.

01:37:08.394 --> 01:37:10.362
- Now you have to tell Amanda.
- I know.

01:37:10.427 --> 01:37:11.860
And don't tergiversate.

01:37:11.926 --> 01:37:15.589
Did I tergiversate with Harvey?
Huh? No.

01:37:15.660 --> 01:37:17.753
I don't even know what the hell
"tergiversate" means,

01:37:17.827 --> 01:37:20.921
so how can I tergiversate?

01:37:20.994 --> 01:37:22.723
Ahh, she'll die.

01:37:24.695 --> 01:37:28.927
Amanda?
Amanda, I want to talk with you.

01:37:28.995 --> 01:37:30.223
- Hi.
- Hi.

01:37:30.296 --> 01:37:33.390
- I want to talk about something.
- I need to talk to you, too.

01:37:33.462 --> 01:37:37.193
I think I should go first,
'cause it's pretty serious.

01:37:37.262 --> 01:37:40.060
Me, too.

01:37:40.129 --> 01:37:44.156
- Can we sit down?
- Yeah, I think we should sit.

01:37:48.462 --> 01:37:51.022
- I'm moving to Los Angeles.
- I'm moving out.

01:37:51.096 --> 01:37:52.791
What?

01:37:52.863 --> 01:37:55.525
I want to be totally honest
with you, Jerry.

01:37:55.597 --> 01:37:59.499
I've met someone and developed
very strong feelings for him.

01:37:59.564 --> 01:38:02.499
- You met someone?
- Yes.

01:38:02.564 --> 01:38:06.159
- Have you been having an affair?
- No, and I don't want to.

01:38:06.230 --> 01:38:09.358
I can't do all that lying
and sneaking around.

01:38:09.430 --> 01:38:12.194
- Well, where did you meet him?
- In passing.

01:38:12.263 --> 01:38:16.131
You must have spent time with him
to have feelings for him.

01:38:16.198 --> 01:38:20.032
We've had a few drinks, nothing heavy.
Just a few chats.

01:38:20.097 --> 01:38:22.088
So you have been seeing someone.

01:38:22.164 --> 01:38:24.860
I've had a couple
of casual conversations.

01:38:24.931 --> 01:38:26.489
You slept with him?

01:38:26.565 --> 01:38:28.999
My God, Jerry.
What do you think I am?

01:38:29.064 --> 01:38:32.864
- Have you?
- Once. And very quickly.

01:38:32.932 --> 01:38:35.560
I had to see if we were
sexually compatible.

01:38:35.631 --> 01:38:38.498
I refused to let myself have an affair.

01:38:38.565 --> 01:38:42.592
That's why I'm being so honest.
I want to be straightforward.

01:38:42.665 --> 01:38:48.035
I'm at a loss for words.
I, uh, I...

01:38:48.098 --> 01:38:51.431
I don't know what to say.
I'm completely taken aback.

01:38:51.499 --> 01:38:55.401
I'll be moving out.
Everything will be clean and honest.

01:38:55.465 --> 01:38:58.798
Mom will stay here
till Phil and I get settled.

01:38:58.866 --> 01:39:01.061
- Phil?
- It'll only be a month,

01:39:01.132 --> 01:39:03.430
until Phil's divorce comes through.

01:39:03.499 --> 01:39:08.801
No. Your mother's not staying here.
I said I'm moving to California.

01:39:08.866 --> 01:39:11.960
- I won't be here.
- That's so great!

01:39:12.033 --> 01:39:13.625
Did you get a Job out there?

01:39:13.699 --> 01:39:18.432
Yes. Dobel and I, on a TV show.

01:39:18.500 --> 01:39:21.936
That's wonderful.
You'll knock 'em dead out there.

01:39:21.999 --> 01:39:27.266
Idiots who are total losers in New York
go to L.A. And become millionaires.

01:39:27.333 --> 01:39:29.995
God, this is so much better this way.

01:39:30.067 --> 01:39:33.264
It was unfair, the way we were living,

01:39:33.334 --> 01:39:38.328
you having to put up with my stupid
inability to function sexually

01:39:38.401 --> 01:39:41.893
and me hating myself all the time.

01:39:42.568 --> 01:39:46.402
This is sad, but it's for the best.

01:39:48.167 --> 01:39:52.194
You know what would be
kind of romantic?

01:39:52.267 --> 01:39:55.668
If we were to make love,
Just one last time.

01:39:55.734 --> 01:39:58.897
- For old times' sake.
- I thought you couldn't.

01:39:58.968 --> 01:40:03.166
Everything's different now.
The psychodynamic has changed.

01:40:04.235 --> 01:40:07.898
Who knows?
Maybe we'll end up having an affair.

01:40:15.001 --> 01:40:18.732
[Falk:] I did it! I did it.
I cut all the ties.

01:40:18.801 --> 01:40:21.065
I feel free and exhilarated

01:40:21.135 --> 01:40:24.263
like I'm falling through space.

01:40:24.334 --> 01:40:27.064
I feel confident
and I'm very positive,

01:40:27.135 --> 01:40:30.798
but also like I'm buried alive.
I don't know.

01:40:30.868 --> 01:40:33.428
I'm sure once we get to L.A.
And start working...

01:40:33.502 --> 01:40:36.494
Speaking of which,
I Just bought some luggage.

01:40:36.569 --> 01:40:40.369
What's wrong?
You sound all weird.

01:40:40.435 --> 01:40:41.959
Where? Now?

01:40:42.035 --> 01:40:47.530
I don't think I know where that spot
in the park is. Where is it?

01:40:47.602 --> 01:40:50.366
All right. I'll find it.

01:41:02.169 --> 01:41:04.865
- You're late!
- Could you pick a more secluded spot?

01:41:04.936 --> 01:41:08.099
- Did anyone follow you?
- No! No one followed me.

01:41:08.169 --> 01:41:12.697
- Wait until I tell you what Amanda said.
- I have to explain something to you.

01:41:12.770 --> 01:41:16.570
Due to circumstances,
I think I should really

01:41:16.636 --> 01:41:21.835
get away to a less conspicuous venue.
Maybe like Alaska or something.

01:41:21.903 --> 01:41:24.929
- What are you talking about?
- You have to go by yourself.

01:41:25.004 --> 01:41:27.234
- I'm not going.
- What?

01:41:27.304 --> 01:41:31.297
You have the Job. It's there
waiting for you. It's all done.

01:41:31.371 --> 01:41:35.102
No, no, no.
That's not the deal.

01:41:35.170 --> 01:41:37.638
We go as a team, Dobel.

01:41:37.704 --> 01:41:40.264
You're grown up.
You can handle it alone.

01:41:40.337 --> 01:41:42.897
I don't understand.
What happened?

01:41:42.971 --> 01:41:44.404
You don't want to know.

01:41:44.471 --> 01:41:47.872
You can't cop out
and not give me an explanation.

01:41:47.938 --> 01:41:51.874
I've changed my whole life around.
What happened?

01:41:51.938 --> 01:41:55.772
Just some nonsense, Falk.
You know.

01:41:55.838 --> 01:41:59.706
The other night,
I was out of state.

01:41:59.772 --> 01:42:02.263
Don't ask me where.
The less you know, the better.

01:42:02.338 --> 01:42:05.364
I was trying to sell my car

01:42:05.438 --> 01:42:09.374
to a potential buyer as a preamble
to our trip to California.

01:42:09.438 --> 01:42:12.635
And I was coming home,
speeding a little bit.

01:42:12.705 --> 01:42:17.699
What's the fun of having a car like that
if you can't get a little velocity going?

01:42:17.772 --> 01:42:21.765
And I was stopped
by two state troopers.

01:42:21.839 --> 01:42:27.072
They were exceptionally nasty,
and one thing led to another.

01:42:27.139 --> 01:42:29.471
They made some remarks
and got physical,

01:42:29.539 --> 01:42:33.373
and I made some remarks,
and they got a little rough,

01:42:33.439 --> 01:42:39.605
and the next thing I knew,
they made some crack about my religion,

01:42:39.673 --> 01:42:41.334
which I found in poor taste.

01:42:41.407 --> 01:42:44.205
Religion? You're an atheist.

01:42:44.273 --> 01:42:46.741
Yes, I'm an atheist, but...

01:42:46.806 --> 01:42:50.572
but I resented the fact,
however obliquely

01:42:50.640 --> 01:42:55.009
that they implied Auschwitz
was basically a theme park.

01:42:55.074 --> 01:42:58.475
Anyhow, a little bloodied,
I returned to my apartment

01:42:58.540 --> 01:43:04.103
and got one of my many weapons,
and I returned to find them.

01:43:04.174 --> 01:43:07.803
Don't you dare tell me you shot them.

01:43:07.874 --> 01:43:10.968
I couldn't find both of them,
only one.

01:43:11.041 --> 01:43:15.034
As fate turned out, I located
the more porcine of the two.

01:43:15.108 --> 01:43:17.042
How serious?

01:43:17.108 --> 01:43:22.011
In a satirical mood,
I thought it would be amusing

01:43:22.075 --> 01:43:26.808
if I shot him in the ass,
but it was dark and I was nervous,

01:43:26.875 --> 01:43:31.642
and, you know,
time has diminished my accuracy.

01:43:31.708 --> 01:43:33.539
[Falk sighs] Dobel!

01:43:34.442 --> 01:43:36.433
Dobel!

01:43:36.509 --> 01:43:38.101
My God!

01:43:38.175 --> 01:43:43.135
I always knew I would use
the survival kit one day.

01:43:43.209 --> 01:43:49.341
It's Just for a period of time
until everything blows over, I suppose.

01:43:49.409 --> 01:43:53.846
God. Oh, Dobel.

01:43:55.043 --> 01:43:57.011
Dobel.

01:44:14.310 --> 01:44:16.301
[Falk:] I never knew
if Dobel's story was true

01:44:16.377 --> 01:44:19.642
or just a piece of fiction
he used to get me to go alone.

01:44:19.710 --> 01:44:23.806
I never saw or heard from him again.

01:44:23.877 --> 01:44:27.369
For all I know, he's ice fishing
somewhere in the Yukon.

01:44:27.444 --> 01:44:32.108
I thought a lot about that strange,
sad, improbable character

01:44:32.177 --> 01:44:35.874
and remembered very fondly
our afternoons in Central Park.

01:44:35.945 --> 01:44:40.712
[Dobel:] In life, they'll be no shortage
of people who'll tell you how to live.

01:44:40.778 --> 01:44:44.305
They'll have all the answers...
what you should do and not do.

01:44:44.378 --> 01:44:48.474
Don't argue with them.
Say, "Yes, that's a brilliant idea,"

01:44:48.544 --> 01:44:50.239
and do what you want.

01:44:50.312 --> 01:44:53.839
Whenever you write,
strive for originality,

01:44:53.911 --> 01:44:56.539
but if you have to steal,
steal from the best.

01:44:56.612 --> 01:45:00.605
And if you take very good care
of your styptic pencil

01:45:00.679 --> 01:45:02.613
and dry it after every shave,

01:45:02.679 --> 01:45:05.876
it'll last longer than most
relationships you're in.

01:45:05.946 --> 01:45:09.438
[Falk:] The seminal Joke about Dobel
is the old one-liner:

01:45:09.512 --> 01:45:13.573
That even a clock that's broken
is right twice a day.

01:45:13.645 --> 01:45:17.479
Dobel had a real sense of irony
and would have appreciated

01:45:17.546 --> 01:45:20.447
that I got one last,
to use his word,

01:45:20.513 --> 01:45:25.644
adventitious glimpse of Amanda
as I was leaving for JFK.

01:45:42.114 --> 01:45:43.672
The doctor!

01:45:45.813 --> 01:45:48.145
I knew that doctor was hot for her.

01:45:48.214 --> 01:45:50.079
[Cab driver:] What'd you say?

01:45:50.147 --> 01:45:54.311
I was Just saying how strange life is,

01:45:54.381 --> 01:45:57.509
how full of inexplicable mystery.

01:45:57.581 --> 01:46:01.142
[Driver:] Well, you know,
it's like anything else.

01:46:01.166 --> 01:46:21.166
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