WEBVTT 00:00:00.376 --> 00:00:20.376 ..:: Presented By ZarFilm Website ::.. .:: www.bolboljan.net ::. 00:01:47.400 --> 00:01:50.335 Hey, can I get another drink down here? 00:01:50.403 --> 00:01:52.496 WILLIE: I've been to prison once. 00:01:52.572 --> 00:01:55.097 I've been married twice. 00:01:55.175 --> 00:01:57.439 I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live 00:01:57.510 --> 00:02:01.606 in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. 00:02:01.681 --> 00:02:05.276 I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, 00:02:05.351 --> 00:02:08.912 and I got a bone chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. 00:02:09.622 --> 00:02:12.819 I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life. 00:02:12.892 --> 00:02:16.225 But nothing has ever sucked more ass than this. 00:02:17.130 --> 00:02:19.792 If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats 00:02:19.866 --> 00:02:21.834 pissing on my lap for 30 days out of the year, 00:02:21.901 --> 00:02:25.530 I would have killed myself a long time ago. 00:02:28.074 --> 00:02:31.532 Come to think of it, I still might. 00:02:32.912 --> 00:02:35.506 Where I come from, we didn't celebrate Christmas. 00:02:35.582 --> 00:02:37.743 Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad 00:02:37.817 --> 00:02:40.718 was a worthless-coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present 00:02:40.787 --> 00:02:43.449 was a daily punch to the back of the head. 00:02:43.523 --> 00:02:46.117 He did teach me how to crack a safe, though. 00:02:47.527 --> 00:02:50.963 My dad never did shit with his life, so he took it out on me. 00:02:51.030 --> 00:02:54.090 You could say I'm no different. I'd have to say you were right. 00:02:54.167 --> 00:02:56.761 But at this point, it's too late to start over. 00:02:56.836 --> 00:02:58.827 Funny how things work out. 00:02:58.905 --> 00:03:01.203 It's fucking hilarious. 00:03:22.262 --> 00:03:24.628 There's Santa Claus. Look there. 00:03:28.935 --> 00:03:30.402 Wow. 00:03:35.675 --> 00:03:37.768 Oh, my. What a darling photo. 00:03:37.844 --> 00:03:39.744 Are you certain you only want the single? 00:03:39.813 --> 00:03:43.010 Additional photos come in handy as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa 00:03:43.082 --> 00:03:45.448 or as a wonderful remembrance for friends. 00:03:45.518 --> 00:03:46.542 Gee. You know what? 00:03:46.619 --> 00:03:48.587 This one, I think it's more than enough. 00:03:48.655 --> 00:03:51.488 Thanks. Merry Christmas. 00:03:52.091 --> 00:03:54.025 So, what do you want, little girl? 00:03:54.093 --> 00:03:55.890 A drum set. 00:03:55.962 --> 00:03:57.827 Oh, the old man will love that. 00:03:57.897 --> 00:04:00.127 Okay. Fine. See you later. 00:04:09.342 --> 00:04:11.401 I saw you at another mall. 00:04:11.477 --> 00:04:13.274 Well, I'm very happy for you. 00:04:13.346 --> 00:04:15.177 You're not really Santa. 00:04:15.248 --> 00:04:17.546 If you were Santa, you could do magic. 00:04:17.617 --> 00:04:19.642 You want to see some magic? 00:04:19.719 --> 00:04:22.051 Here. Let's watch you disappear. 00:04:22.789 --> 00:04:25.189 Watch the bladder, kid. Santa's got to pee. 00:04:25.258 --> 00:04:27.249 - What do you want? - A new bike. 00:04:27.327 --> 00:04:29.295 Wow. That's a new one. Excellent. 00:04:29.362 --> 00:04:30.659 MAN: Attention, shoppers. 00:04:30.730 --> 00:04:32.459 The store will be closing in five minutes. 00:04:32.532 --> 00:04:34.261 We hope tomorrow is a pleasant Christmas. 00:04:34.334 --> 00:04:35.596 Thank you for shopping with us. 00:04:35.668 --> 00:04:38.228 - Is that it? - Yeah, that's the last one. 00:04:38.304 --> 00:04:40.534 Thank the fuck Christ. 00:04:41.241 --> 00:04:43.175 Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. 00:04:43.243 --> 00:04:45.438 You pissed yourself. 00:04:49.816 --> 00:04:51.807 Aw, Jesus. 00:04:53.853 --> 00:04:55.411 Yeah, all right. 00:04:55.488 --> 00:04:57.046 Yeah. 00:04:58.291 --> 00:05:01.351 Hey, happy holidays. All right. 00:05:01.427 --> 00:05:02.985 Merry Christmas. 00:05:03.529 --> 00:05:05.087 Happy holidays. 00:05:05.164 --> 00:05:06.358 Get home safe. 00:05:06.432 --> 00:05:08.059 Yeah, okay. 00:05:08.134 --> 00:05:09.431 I don't care what he says. 00:05:09.502 --> 00:05:11.663 - We're going out for a beer. - What the fuck? 00:05:11.738 --> 00:05:13.797 I'll get right back to you. 00:05:13.873 --> 00:05:16.307 What the hell's wrong with you? I'm trying to fucking leave. 00:05:16.376 --> 00:05:17.707 Pants are awful baggy. 00:05:17.777 --> 00:05:19.745 You got anything in there? 00:05:19.812 --> 00:05:22.542 Yeah. My dick. You want to see it? 00:05:24.017 --> 00:05:25.951 Keep pushing me. 00:05:26.019 --> 00:05:27.884 I got my eyes on you. 00:05:27.954 --> 00:05:29.683 All the time. 00:06:32.919 --> 00:06:34.546 Ready. 00:06:38.624 --> 00:06:39.716 Jesus. 00:07:20.433 --> 00:07:22.731 - How's it going? - I'm finished when I'm finished. 00:07:22.802 --> 00:07:24.064 I'm going back upstairs. 00:07:24.137 --> 00:07:25.968 I need a melon baller and a loofah. 00:07:27.807 --> 00:07:29.604 Got it. 00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:34.904 Fuck the loofah. Let's go. 00:07:41.754 --> 00:07:43.745 Marcus, you get the loofah? 00:07:43.823 --> 00:07:45.381 Drive. 00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:48.793 Oh! 00:07:58.571 --> 00:08:00.869 Oh, I'm dizzy. Put me down. 00:08:00.940 --> 00:08:01.929 Hey, put me down. 00:08:02.008 --> 00:08:03.771 Come on! Put me down. 00:08:04.911 --> 00:08:07.812 Oh, come on. 00:08:08.781 --> 00:08:10.908 Oh, man. 00:08:15.121 --> 00:08:17.112 Hey, baby, two more of these, all right? 00:08:17.190 --> 00:08:19.283 No. That's it for me. 00:08:19.859 --> 00:08:22.453 You can't drink worth a shit, you know that? 00:08:24.330 --> 00:08:27.163 I weigh 92 pounds, you dick. 00:08:28.334 --> 00:08:31.098 Come on. One more. It's a celebration. 00:08:32.872 --> 00:08:34.305 Here's to you. 00:08:42.315 --> 00:08:44.977 You're getting worse, you know that? 00:08:45.051 --> 00:08:47.144 Well, at least I got it open. 00:08:47.220 --> 00:08:49.154 It took you long enough. 00:08:49.222 --> 00:08:52.885 I remember when you could unlock a lock like it was nothing. 00:08:53.926 --> 00:08:57.054 Yeah, well, you don't have to worry about me anymore. 00:08:58.164 --> 00:08:59.188 I'm out. 00:08:59.265 --> 00:09:00.994 Bullshit. 00:09:02.034 --> 00:09:04.400 Bullshit, my ass. 00:09:05.037 --> 00:09:08.336 We just made $111,000 in one night. 00:09:08.407 --> 00:09:11.069 Exactly. I figure I got enough to go to Miami. 00:09:11.144 --> 00:09:12.577 And do what? 00:09:12.645 --> 00:09:14.169 I don't know. Shit. Get a car. 00:09:14.247 --> 00:09:16.807 Get a place, maybe. 00:09:16.883 --> 00:09:20.182 Maybe start a business. A bar out on the beach. 00:09:20.253 --> 00:09:21.982 Something like that. 00:09:22.488 --> 00:09:26.822 I could quit drinking and run the place. 00:09:26.893 --> 00:09:29.088 Maybe marry a waitress. 00:09:31.931 --> 00:09:33.228 What? 00:09:33.299 --> 00:09:35.096 You ain't gonna do shit except go down there 00:09:35.168 --> 00:09:36.965 and drink your fucking ass off. 00:09:37.036 --> 00:09:38.765 You're gonna piss everything away 00:09:38.838 --> 00:09:41.898 and end up counting the days till next Christmas. 00:09:42.575 --> 00:09:44.543 You'd like that, wouldn't you? 00:09:44.610 --> 00:09:46.134 Well, it ain't gonna happen. 00:09:46.946 --> 00:09:48.914 If I call you next December... 00:09:48.981 --> 00:09:51.142 if I call you next December... 00:09:51.217 --> 00:09:53.185 you're gonna be so happy to hear from me 00:09:53.252 --> 00:09:55.482 you're gonna do a goddamn backflip. 00:09:55.555 --> 00:09:57.819 You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast 00:09:57.890 --> 00:10:00.290 that you're gonna get fucking hat-burn. 00:10:01.127 --> 00:10:03.186 Can I get you guys two more? 00:10:08.067 --> 00:10:10.160 No, thanks. We're all right. 00:10:12.872 --> 00:10:14.601 See? 00:10:14.674 --> 00:10:17.040 I'm already on the wagon. 00:10:49.442 --> 00:10:50.636 Hey. Asshole! 00:10:50.710 --> 00:10:52.268 How many times I got to tell you? 00:10:52.345 --> 00:10:54.176 Get out from behind my bar! 00:10:55.514 --> 00:10:57.414 Put the drink down right now. 00:10:57.483 --> 00:10:59.781 Put the drink down right now! 00:10:59.852 --> 00:11:01.513 Ahh. Fuck you. 00:11:01.587 --> 00:11:03.020 - Fuck me, huh? - Right. 00:11:03.089 --> 00:11:05.614 WOMAN: Oh. Hey! 00:11:06.192 --> 00:11:07.682 Ow! 00:11:07.760 --> 00:11:10.194 Get the fuck out of my bar. 00:11:12.798 --> 00:11:14.288 Fuck you! 00:11:14.367 --> 00:11:15.391 You're fucking crazy. 00:11:15.468 --> 00:11:17.197 Fucking prick. 00:11:17.937 --> 00:11:19.131 Asshole! 00:11:19.205 --> 00:11:21.571 Get the fuck out of here right now! 00:12:06.419 --> 00:12:08.046 Fucking shit! 00:12:08.120 --> 00:12:09.849 Fuck you! 00:12:09.922 --> 00:12:11.651 Fuck you! 00:12:11.724 --> 00:12:13.453 Fuck you! 00:15:05.397 --> 00:15:07.331 Yeah, baby. 00:15:09.802 --> 00:15:12.965 Hey, Tiffany, you want to play "Hide the Nazi" one day? 00:15:20.112 --> 00:15:21.943 God damn it. 00:15:24.517 --> 00:15:26.451 Here you go, sweetie. 00:15:27.920 --> 00:15:29.854 I got something for your pretty ass. 00:15:29.922 --> 00:15:32.049 - You do? - Yeah. 00:15:34.860 --> 00:15:37.260 Wow. $5. 00:15:37.329 --> 00:15:38.318 Thanks. 00:15:43.369 --> 00:15:46.770 I gotta listen to my messages, and you need to take a shower. 00:15:47.439 --> 00:15:49.703 I'm a dancer. I sweat. 00:15:49.775 --> 00:15:52.369 Yeah, well, you smell like a bum's nut sac. 00:15:52.444 --> 00:15:54.469 Fuck you. 00:15:58.450 --> 00:16:01.977 Message one. 00:16:02.054 --> 00:16:03.419 MAN: Mr. Soke? 00:16:03.489 --> 00:16:07.516 This is Andrew Kaplan again, from the collection agency. 00:16:07.593 --> 00:16:10.061 Message two. 00:16:10.129 --> 00:16:12.120 WOMAN: This is Dolores Axelrod. 00:16:12.197 --> 00:16:14.222 You ran into my car last week. 00:16:14.300 --> 00:16:15.699 I called State Farm, 00:16:15.768 --> 00:16:19.169 but they have no record of any insurance policy for you. 00:16:19.238 --> 00:16:21.866 In case you misplaced it, my phone number is 4... 00:16:21.941 --> 00:16:23.841 Message three. 00:16:23.909 --> 00:16:27.242 Willie, it's Marcus. It's that time of year again. 00:16:27.313 --> 00:16:30.476 Pack your shit. Phoenix. 00:17:06.385 --> 00:17:07.909 Jesus Christ! 00:17:07.987 --> 00:17:11.286 Can you maybe keep it together for just 10 minutes? 00:17:17.896 --> 00:17:20.888 Harrison, just let me explain, please. Financially... 00:17:20.966 --> 00:17:22.900 Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska. 00:17:22.968 --> 00:17:24.663 Five Christmases I've been here. 00:17:24.737 --> 00:17:26.830 You flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts 00:17:26.905 --> 00:17:29.430 and who happens to work with a real midget. 00:17:29.508 --> 00:17:31.703 Nobody cares. Nobody comes here for the elf. 00:17:31.777 --> 00:17:33.108 Santa's the attraction. 00:17:33.178 --> 00:17:34.645 I do Burl Ives songs. 00:17:34.713 --> 00:17:36.476 Does this schmo even play guitar? 00:17:36.548 --> 00:17:40.006 Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget. 00:17:40.085 --> 00:17:41.848 Believe me, if it was, I... 00:17:41.920 --> 00:17:43.615 I don't think they like "midget. " 00:17:43.689 --> 00:17:45.452 I think you're supposed to call them... 00:17:45.524 --> 00:17:47.958 Oh, just forget it. 00:17:49.261 --> 00:17:50.990 Hacks! 00:17:51.530 --> 00:17:52.394 Hi. 00:17:52.464 --> 00:17:54.864 Bob Chipeska. Welcome. 00:17:54.933 --> 00:17:56.924 Great photo and résumé, by the way. 00:17:57.002 --> 00:17:57.764 Thanks. 00:17:57.836 --> 00:17:59.929 We've been at this a long time and all. 00:18:00.005 --> 00:18:01.768 We'd like to think we do a good job. 00:18:01.840 --> 00:18:04.434 I'm so glad you guys could come in on such short notice. 00:18:04.510 --> 00:18:07.070 I must say, your look is just sensational. 00:18:07.146 --> 00:18:07.805 MARCUS: Thanks. 00:18:07.880 --> 00:18:10.713 We've been at this for years. You got nothing to worry about. 00:18:10.783 --> 00:18:13.650 You two are the best men for this job, truly. 00:18:13.719 --> 00:18:17.052 So don't let his unpleasantness affect your performance. 00:18:17.122 --> 00:18:19.090 - Oh, no. We're fine. - Performance? 00:18:19.158 --> 00:18:22.059 Yes. Uh, your performance. You know, the, um... 00:18:22.127 --> 00:18:24.322 Performance, like sexual? 00:18:25.497 --> 00:18:26.657 - Excuse me? - Willie. 00:18:26.732 --> 00:18:29.064 Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? 00:18:29.134 --> 00:18:30.431 Is that what you're saying? 00:18:30.502 --> 00:18:31.969 - I'm sorry. Your gear? - Willie. 00:18:32.037 --> 00:18:33.834 My fuck stick. 00:18:35.541 --> 00:18:37.372 Hey, Willie. Take a seat. 00:18:37.443 --> 00:18:38.910 You know how your blood sugar is. 00:18:38.977 --> 00:18:42.435 He's not going to say "fuck stick" in front of the children? 00:18:42.514 --> 00:18:44.448 No, no, no. It's a joke. 00:18:44.516 --> 00:18:47.849 An adult joke for us adults. 00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:49.683 It's a joke. Just a joke. 00:18:56.395 --> 00:18:57.362 "Fuck stick"? 00:18:57.429 --> 00:19:00.364 Yes. I thought it was very strange, too. 00:19:00.432 --> 00:19:02.923 So, as our security chief, 00:19:03.001 --> 00:19:05.128 I wanted you to be aware. 00:19:05.204 --> 00:19:07.468 But his little friend promised he wouldn't say it 00:19:07.539 --> 00:19:09.530 in front of the children, which is fine. 00:19:09.608 --> 00:19:13.066 Because, you know, there is an adult world 00:19:13.145 --> 00:19:15.613 and a child's world, and that's okay. 00:19:15.681 --> 00:19:17.444 I'm no censor. 00:19:17.516 --> 00:19:18.278 "Little friend"? 00:19:18.350 --> 00:19:21.285 Yes, he happens to be a dwarf. 00:19:21.353 --> 00:19:23.981 Or midget. 00:19:24.056 --> 00:19:26.422 I don't know what he's called exactly. 00:19:26.492 --> 00:19:29.893 But, uh, he's a little guy. 00:19:29.962 --> 00:19:32.829 Little Billy Barty. God rest. 00:19:32.898 --> 00:19:34.024 But thin fingers. 00:19:34.099 --> 00:19:38.593 Not the fat sausage fingers. 00:19:40.639 --> 00:19:42.573 "Little people. " That's what they like. 00:19:42.641 --> 00:19:46.133 Yes. Uh, right. Little people. 00:19:46.211 --> 00:19:48.202 So "fuck stick. " That's it? 00:19:49.148 --> 00:19:51.013 Yeah. 00:19:56.054 --> 00:19:58.818 Merry Christmas! Santa's coming. Yay! 00:19:58.891 --> 00:20:02.054 Merry Christmas! Santa's coming. Yay! 00:20:02.127 --> 00:20:04.618 Merry Christmas! 00:20:09.735 --> 00:20:12.067 Have you seen that new Santa they just hired? 00:20:12.137 --> 00:20:14.605 Yeah. He's back there drunk. 00:20:18.644 --> 00:20:22.444 He's coming, guys. Santa will be here real soon. 00:20:27.486 --> 00:20:28.851 God damn it! 00:20:28.921 --> 00:20:31.947 What the fuck you doing? You blow this, and we're broke. 00:20:32.024 --> 00:20:33.651 So stop acting like you know something. 00:20:33.725 --> 00:20:35.420 'Cause, pal of mine, you don't know squat! 00:20:35.494 --> 00:20:37.394 Now, put on your hat and get out there. 00:20:37.462 --> 00:20:40.590 And try to act professional, for Christ's sakes. 00:20:46.205 --> 00:20:47.934 WILLIE: What do you want? 00:20:48.006 --> 00:20:49.530 What? 00:20:49.608 --> 00:20:51.166 Get out of here. 00:20:51.243 --> 00:20:52.972 Next. 00:20:53.812 --> 00:20:55.643 Next. 00:20:55.714 --> 00:20:58.148 Oh, good. What do you want? 00:20:59.518 --> 00:21:01.418 What do you want? What are you doing? 00:21:03.622 --> 00:21:04.611 God damn it! 00:21:04.690 --> 00:21:06.851 Nintendo Deer Hunter 3. 00:21:06.925 --> 00:21:08.893 I don't give a shit what you want. 00:21:08.961 --> 00:21:11.623 Blowing snot all over everybody and fucking whatever. 00:21:11.697 --> 00:21:13.722 Next. Come on. 00:21:15.667 --> 00:21:17.225 What do you want? 00:21:17.302 --> 00:21:19.566 - Um, Santa? - Yeah, I'm Santa. 00:21:19.638 --> 00:21:20.832 Come on. What do you want? 00:21:20.906 --> 00:21:23.067 - Um, Barbie. - Say cheese. 00:21:23.141 --> 00:21:24.335 Okay. Fine. Barbie. 00:21:24.409 --> 00:21:25.671 Oh, thank you. 00:21:25.744 --> 00:21:28.713 Ow! Watch the toenails, kid! Shit. 00:21:28.780 --> 00:21:30.077 Next. 00:21:31.183 --> 00:21:33.117 Next! 00:21:35.554 --> 00:21:36.646 What do you want? 00:21:36.722 --> 00:21:39.247 Fraggle-Stick car. 00:21:39.324 --> 00:21:41.315 What the fuck is that? 00:21:41.393 --> 00:21:42.951 Fraggle-Stick car. 00:21:43.028 --> 00:21:45.997 Well, I heard you. Fraggle-Stick car. Fine. 00:22:00.779 --> 00:22:02.872 Hey, check out this loser. 00:22:03.448 --> 00:22:05.814 Hey, fat-ass. How you doing today? 00:22:07.920 --> 00:22:09.478 Hey, loser. 00:22:09.554 --> 00:22:11.385 Hey, dipshit. 00:22:11.456 --> 00:22:13.014 Moron. 00:22:13.558 --> 00:22:15.958 Hey, loser. How you doing today? 00:22:16.762 --> 00:22:19.094 Dumb-ass, why don't you turn around? 00:22:22.234 --> 00:22:24.702 You know what? Fuck this. 00:22:29.408 --> 00:22:30.966 You're next. 00:22:31.043 --> 00:22:33.034 WILLIE: Next. 00:22:33.111 --> 00:22:36.478 I said next, God damn it. This is not the DMV, all right? 00:22:36.548 --> 00:22:38.243 Move it along. 00:22:40.285 --> 00:22:42.685 What's your name? You can tell me. 00:22:44.790 --> 00:22:47.054 I know. How about Santa? 00:22:47.125 --> 00:22:49.685 If you don't tell him, you won't get a present. 00:22:50.796 --> 00:22:51.820 That's right. 00:22:51.897 --> 00:22:54.866 Come on and tell Santa all about it. 00:22:58.503 --> 00:22:59.492 What do you want? 00:23:01.740 --> 00:23:03.332 Well, come on. What do you want? 00:23:03.408 --> 00:23:05.273 A snot-rag? 00:23:08.280 --> 00:23:10.441 Great. Another fucking Mongoloid. 00:23:10.515 --> 00:23:13.848 Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me. 00:23:13.919 --> 00:23:15.580 Don't fuck with my beard. 00:23:15.654 --> 00:23:17.121 It's not real. 00:23:17.189 --> 00:23:18.679 No shit. 00:23:18.757 --> 00:23:19.985 Well, it was real. 00:23:20.058 --> 00:23:23.391 But, you see, I got sick and all the hair fell out. 00:23:23.462 --> 00:23:25.396 How did you get sick? 00:23:25.998 --> 00:23:27.932 I loved a woman who wasn't clean. 00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:29.092 Mrs. Santa? 00:23:29.167 --> 00:23:30.395 No. It was her sister. 00:23:30.469 --> 00:23:32.596 What's it like at the North Pole? 00:23:32.671 --> 00:23:34.036 Like the suburbs. 00:23:34.106 --> 00:23:35.596 Which one? 00:23:36.508 --> 00:23:37.805 Apache Junction. 00:23:37.876 --> 00:23:40.640 What the fuck do you care? Now, get off my lap. 00:23:40.712 --> 00:23:42.703 You sit there like a fucking retard. 00:23:42.781 --> 00:23:44.749 You are really Santa, right? 00:23:44.816 --> 00:23:46.147 No. I'm an accountant. 00:23:46.218 --> 00:23:49.676 I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, all right? 00:23:49.755 --> 00:23:51.484 Okay. 00:23:51.556 --> 00:23:54.081 Get this kid out of here. He's freaking me out. 00:23:59.865 --> 00:24:03.198 I got to get a drink on. I'll see you tomorrow. 00:24:03.268 --> 00:24:05.964 Just don't come into work stinking of booze again. 00:24:06.038 --> 00:24:07.505 Yeah. Why don't you get going? 00:24:07.572 --> 00:24:10.564 You'll be late for your "Wizard of Oz" Candy Bar Guild. 00:24:10.642 --> 00:24:13.042 Lollipop Guild, you asshole. Jesus! 00:24:13.111 --> 00:24:15.511 Two-year-olds flip me shit better than you. 00:24:15.580 --> 00:24:16.672 You saying something to me? 00:24:16.748 --> 00:24:20.081 Yeah. I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass. 00:24:58.356 --> 00:24:59.789 What? 00:25:07.466 --> 00:25:08.398 Mmm. 00:25:08.467 --> 00:25:11.527 Another Grand-Dad, Santa? 00:25:11.603 --> 00:25:12.535 Yeah. 00:25:12.604 --> 00:25:13.696 Yeah? 00:25:19.811 --> 00:25:21.438 Got a name? 00:25:23.415 --> 00:25:25.144 Yeah. 00:25:26.985 --> 00:25:29.749 So, what do you do, you know... 00:25:29.821 --> 00:25:31.254 After the holidays, I mean. 00:25:31.323 --> 00:25:34.258 Well, nothing till March, and then I'm the Easter Bunny. 00:25:39.097 --> 00:25:40.257 Oh. Another? 00:25:40.332 --> 00:25:41.765 Yeah. Why not? 00:25:45.504 --> 00:25:46.903 Merry Christmas. 00:25:50.942 --> 00:25:53.035 Not a big talker. 00:25:53.111 --> 00:25:54.669 No, not really. 00:25:57.415 --> 00:25:59.076 - Buy you one? - Why not? 00:26:04.856 --> 00:26:06.517 Happy New Year. 00:26:09.661 --> 00:26:12.152 You're pretty regular for a Santa. 00:26:12.230 --> 00:26:13.891 It's not that big a fucking deal. 00:26:13.965 --> 00:26:16.160 It's just a job, you know what I mean? 00:26:16.234 --> 00:26:20.603 I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus. 00:26:22.307 --> 00:26:23.672 Prove it. 00:26:26.645 --> 00:26:27.907 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. 00:26:27.979 --> 00:26:31.107 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. 00:26:31.183 --> 00:26:32.741 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa! 00:26:32.817 --> 00:26:34.182 Can't I at least take this hat off? 00:26:34.252 --> 00:26:35.947 No. I love the hat. 00:26:36.021 --> 00:26:37.818 Okay. 00:26:37.889 --> 00:26:41.052 Whoo! 00:26:45.163 --> 00:26:49.395 I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. 00:26:49.467 --> 00:26:51.094 In case you didn't notice. 00:26:51.169 --> 00:26:54.161 It's like some deep-seated childhood thing. 00:26:54.239 --> 00:26:56.173 So is my thing for tits. 00:26:56.241 --> 00:26:58.505 Yeah. It is like that, though. 00:26:58.577 --> 00:26:59.771 From when you're a kid. 00:26:59.844 --> 00:27:02.176 'Cause my dad was Jewish, and we didn't have Christmas. 00:27:02.247 --> 00:27:06.741 So it was like this forbidden thing. 00:27:09.821 --> 00:27:11.482 So... 00:27:14.192 --> 00:27:15.489 I like you. 00:27:17.596 --> 00:27:19.894 Don't mothball that suit. 00:27:26.638 --> 00:27:27.570 What the fuck? 00:27:27.639 --> 00:27:29.630 I am not gay. 00:27:30.609 --> 00:27:32.634 - What the hell, buddy? - Buddy? 00:27:32.711 --> 00:27:34.611 I said I am not gay. 00:27:34.679 --> 00:27:37.807 Are you off your fucking meds or something? 00:27:37.882 --> 00:27:39.349 Yes. 00:27:39.417 --> 00:27:42.079 But that isn't what this is about. 00:27:42.153 --> 00:27:43.848 You're as queer as a $10 bill. 00:27:43.922 --> 00:27:46.254 Let me tell you something, motherfucker. 00:27:46.324 --> 00:27:50.021 My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. 00:27:50.095 --> 00:27:53.292 So I want you to look at my face one last fucking time. 00:27:53.365 --> 00:27:55.993 This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I... 00:27:56.067 --> 00:27:57.034 Elf fucker! 00:27:57.102 --> 00:27:59.195 - Motherfucker! - Turn around, elf fucker. 00:27:59.271 --> 00:28:01.739 Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Huh? 00:28:01.806 --> 00:28:03.535 Faggy Claus! Faggy! 00:28:03.608 --> 00:28:04.870 Leave Santa alone! 00:28:04.943 --> 00:28:08.242 Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us. 00:28:08.313 --> 00:28:10.076 Leave Santa alone! 00:28:14.219 --> 00:28:16.551 Ass clown. 00:28:23.662 --> 00:28:25.596 Hey, you're that kid. 00:28:27.332 --> 00:28:29.391 What the fuck are you doing here? 00:28:42.514 --> 00:28:44.778 This one fucking time I take you home, okay? 00:28:44.849 --> 00:28:45.838 Uh-huh. 00:28:45.917 --> 00:28:47.350 I'm not your fucking dada. 00:28:47.419 --> 00:28:49.114 Uh-huh. 00:28:50.789 --> 00:28:53.724 It's not like you helped me with that nutjob or anything. 00:28:53.792 --> 00:28:55.453 - Uh-huh. - You're the right height. 00:28:55.527 --> 00:28:58.121 You're right there to grab his balls. 00:28:58.196 --> 00:29:00.391 - You could twist them. - Why do you need a car? 00:29:00.465 --> 00:29:03.525 - What? - This car. 00:29:03.601 --> 00:29:04.533 Which turn is it? 00:29:04.602 --> 00:29:06.695 Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh? 00:29:06.771 --> 00:29:08.932 It's in the shop, getting repaired. 00:29:09.007 --> 00:29:11.441 - Where are the reindeer? - I stabled them. 00:29:11.509 --> 00:29:12.771 Is it left or right? 00:29:12.844 --> 00:29:13.868 That way. 00:29:13.945 --> 00:29:15.572 Where's the stable? 00:29:15.647 --> 00:29:17.808 - Next to the shop. - How do they sleep? 00:29:17.882 --> 00:29:19.975 Who? The reindeer? Standing up. 00:29:20.051 --> 00:29:21.518 But the noise. How do they sleep? 00:29:21.586 --> 00:29:23.577 - What noise? - From the shop. 00:29:25.023 --> 00:29:27.116 They only work during the day, all right? 00:29:27.192 --> 00:29:28.955 I thought it was always night at the North Pole. 00:29:29.027 --> 00:29:30.961 Well, not now. Right now it's always day. 00:29:31.029 --> 00:29:32.223 Then how do they sleep? 00:29:32.297 --> 00:29:34.595 Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. 00:29:34.666 --> 00:29:38.124 What is it with you? Somebody drop you on your fucking head? 00:29:38.203 --> 00:29:39.602 On my head? 00:29:39.671 --> 00:29:41.935 Are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head? 00:29:42.006 --> 00:29:43.667 How can they drop me onto my own head? 00:29:43.742 --> 00:29:46.506 No, not onto your... Would... 00:29:46.578 --> 00:29:49.638 God damn it! Are you fucking with me? 00:29:53.685 --> 00:29:55.619 Okay. Which house is it? 00:29:55.687 --> 00:29:56.949 That one. 00:29:57.021 --> 00:29:58.886 With Jesus and his family there or what? 00:29:58.957 --> 00:30:00.515 No. The one beside that. 00:30:00.592 --> 00:30:02.423 - Right here? - Yeah. That one. 00:30:02.494 --> 00:30:03.984 All right. 00:30:12.170 --> 00:30:14.138 Nice digs. 00:30:15.440 --> 00:30:16.873 Is Daddy home? 00:30:16.941 --> 00:30:18.909 He's on an adventure, exploring mountains. 00:30:18.977 --> 00:30:20.410 He's been gone a long time. 00:30:20.478 --> 00:30:24.209 Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone? 00:30:24.282 --> 00:30:25.214 Till next year. 00:30:25.283 --> 00:30:26.580 Yeah? What about Mommy? 00:30:26.651 --> 00:30:29.745 She lives in God's house with Jesus and Mary and the ghost 00:30:29.821 --> 00:30:33.313 and the long-eared donkey and Joseph and the talking walnut. 00:30:34.058 --> 00:30:35.855 Well, who the fuck takes care of you, then? 00:30:35.927 --> 00:30:36.723 Grandma. 00:30:36.795 --> 00:30:38.387 Yeah? What's her name? 00:30:38.463 --> 00:30:39.794 Grandma. 00:30:40.965 --> 00:30:42.865 Is Granny spry? 00:30:47.038 --> 00:30:48.027 Everybody! 00:30:51.843 --> 00:30:54.835 Grandma? Grandma? 00:30:55.346 --> 00:30:57.143 Santa's here. 00:30:57.215 --> 00:31:00.343 Oh, Roger. You're home. 00:31:00.418 --> 00:31:02.682 Are you spry? 00:31:02.754 --> 00:31:06.019 Let me fix you some sandwiches. 00:31:13.431 --> 00:31:16.923 Are you telling me she's the only one here? 00:31:17.001 --> 00:31:18.366 Nobody else? 00:31:18.436 --> 00:31:21.530 No aunts or cousins or uncles or anything like that? 00:31:21.606 --> 00:31:23.574 A butler or security guard or something? 00:31:23.641 --> 00:31:25.973 Nuh-unh. 00:31:26.044 --> 00:31:27.978 You're shitting me. 00:31:30.114 --> 00:31:32.241 Does your daddy have a safe? 00:31:38.223 --> 00:31:40.054 Need money to fix your sleigh? 00:31:40.124 --> 00:31:42.058 Exactly. 00:31:46.965 --> 00:31:48.796 You want milk and cookies? 00:31:48.867 --> 00:31:49.925 No. 00:31:50.001 --> 00:31:51.525 Should I fix you some sandwiches? 00:31:51.603 --> 00:31:52.900 Unh-unh. 00:31:52.971 --> 00:31:54.438 Does your daddy have a car? 00:31:59.244 --> 00:32:01.610 Bye, Santa! 00:32:13.658 --> 00:32:14.920 WILLIE: Oh, my! 00:32:18.029 --> 00:32:19.929 - WOMAN: Keep going. - Jesus! 00:32:19.998 --> 00:32:21.295 Ohh! 00:32:22.567 --> 00:32:25.468 Oh, God! 00:32:25.537 --> 00:32:26.469 Ooh! 00:32:26.538 --> 00:32:29.302 Oh, Zena! Oh, Mary! 00:32:29.374 --> 00:32:30.432 Keep it going. 00:32:30.508 --> 00:32:32.237 Jesus Christ! 00:32:32.310 --> 00:32:34.005 Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. 00:32:34.078 --> 00:32:36.603 You ain't gonna shit right for a week. 00:32:36.681 --> 00:32:37.613 Oh! 00:32:37.682 --> 00:32:39.115 - Yeah, buddy! - Yeah! 00:32:39.183 --> 00:32:41.515 Whoo! 00:32:44.989 --> 00:32:47.150 It won't happen again. I can promise you that. 00:32:47.225 --> 00:32:50.456 Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all. 00:32:50.528 --> 00:32:52.723 That's right. I forgot to take my pill. 00:32:53.398 --> 00:32:56.196 It's not just the swearing. 00:32:56.267 --> 00:32:57.791 Um... 00:32:58.369 --> 00:33:00.803 Forgive me for prying. 00:33:00.872 --> 00:33:04.467 But did one of you, um... 00:33:04.542 --> 00:33:05.634 fornicate... 00:33:05.710 --> 00:33:06.677 Fornicate? 00:33:06.744 --> 00:33:10.441 Yes, with a heavyset woman in the Big & Tall dressing room. 00:33:10.515 --> 00:33:12.983 Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. 00:33:13.051 --> 00:33:18.182 But as far as I can recall, I've never fornicated anybody. 00:33:18.256 --> 00:33:19.450 Yes, well, even still, 00:33:19.524 --> 00:33:22.459 I think it's best for all parties considered if we... 00:33:22.527 --> 00:33:24.188 If we what? 00:33:24.762 --> 00:33:27.856 Well, I have someone else interested in the position. 00:33:28.800 --> 00:33:30.324 Before you do something stupid, 00:33:30.401 --> 00:33:31.959 you may want to think about this shit. 00:33:32.036 --> 00:33:33.196 What are you talking about? 00:33:33.271 --> 00:33:35.865 I'm talking about firing a little black midget. 00:33:35.940 --> 00:33:38.500 A colored, African-American small person. 00:33:38.576 --> 00:33:39.804 That's what I'm talking about. 00:33:39.877 --> 00:33:43.973 I'm talking about your face all over goddamn "USA Today. " 00:33:44.048 --> 00:33:46.448 I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers 00:33:46.517 --> 00:33:48.644 all over the sidewalk out there. 00:33:48.720 --> 00:33:50.620 Little picket signs, chanting and raving. 00:33:50.688 --> 00:33:53.054 Using little bullhorns and shit like that. 00:33:53.124 --> 00:33:55.718 Screaming and hollering your name out. 00:33:55.793 --> 00:33:57.988 Unfair practices. Get me? 00:33:58.062 --> 00:34:00.360 No. No, no. This is not a handicap thing. 00:34:00.431 --> 00:34:02.695 I have nothing against you people. 00:34:04.235 --> 00:34:05.600 "You people"? 00:34:05.670 --> 00:34:08.468 Did you hear that, Marcus? He said, "You people. " 00:34:08.539 --> 00:34:09.836 Who the hell is "us people"? 00:34:09.907 --> 00:34:11.169 Wait. Wait. No, no. 00:34:11.242 --> 00:34:13.472 I... You don't under... What? 00:34:13.544 --> 00:34:15.535 He... No, no. 00:34:15.613 --> 00:34:18.548 Um, you know, I think it's best 00:34:18.616 --> 00:34:21.483 if we just forget we had this conversation. 00:34:23.287 --> 00:34:24.948 Okay. 00:34:25.023 --> 00:34:26.285 Good thinking. 00:34:26.357 --> 00:34:28.848 And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. 00:34:28.926 --> 00:34:31.360 Let's get the hell out of here, Marcus. 00:34:36.434 --> 00:34:37.662 You're pathetic. 00:34:48.646 --> 00:34:50.705 I dig that little thing on your belly button. 00:34:50.782 --> 00:34:52.044 What's that? Like a diamond? 00:34:52.116 --> 00:34:54.084 It's a belly-button ring. 00:34:54.152 --> 00:34:55.551 Oh, yeah? Hang on a second. 00:34:55.620 --> 00:34:57.281 Check this out. 00:34:57.355 --> 00:35:00.085 You got to thrust. See what I'm saying? 00:35:00.525 --> 00:35:03.756 You gotta move the ball around. You go up there, baby. 00:35:03.828 --> 00:35:05.159 Come on. 00:35:05.229 --> 00:35:07.493 See? Move the ball. There you go. 00:35:07.565 --> 00:35:09.795 Motherfucker! 00:35:09.867 --> 00:35:13.064 Oh, you lousy, fucking motherfucker. 00:35:16.474 --> 00:35:18.408 That's the shit that's gonna get us pinched. 00:35:18.476 --> 00:35:19.807 She said she was 18. 00:35:19.877 --> 00:35:21.276 But you promised no arcades. 00:35:21.345 --> 00:35:23.074 You said you'd only hustle Big & Tall. 00:35:23.147 --> 00:35:25.945 You shat me out of your womb? You're my fucking mom now? 00:35:26.017 --> 00:35:27.678 I don't need any goddamn lectures. 00:35:27.752 --> 00:35:30.220 I know how to keep a low profile. Thank you. 00:35:31.422 --> 00:35:34.152 What the fuck is this, Mr. Low Profile? 00:35:34.225 --> 00:35:36.489 Mind your own goddamn business. 00:35:44.202 --> 00:35:46.136 Ever hear of the open bottle law? 00:35:48.339 --> 00:35:53.402 A couple of days ago, I was in, uh, Women's Big & Tall. 00:35:53.478 --> 00:35:55.537 And I heard these... 00:35:55.613 --> 00:35:59.709 Um, you know, these noises. 00:35:59.784 --> 00:36:04.312 And I heard a woman screaming, "Yeah. Oh, yeah. " 00:36:04.388 --> 00:36:07.721 And I heard his voice saying, "That's right. 00:36:07.792 --> 00:36:13.788 You ain't going to S-H-I-T right for a month. " 00:36:15.099 --> 00:36:16.566 But don't get me wrong. 00:36:16.634 --> 00:36:19.728 I was against the Clinton impeachment. 00:36:19.804 --> 00:36:21.795 What a man does with his own penis... 00:36:21.873 --> 00:36:23.966 Oval Office, Women's Big & Tall... 00:36:24.041 --> 00:36:26.737 it's not for the American people to say. 00:36:26.811 --> 00:36:27.539 Yeah, right. 00:36:27.612 --> 00:36:31.139 But when you're dealing with children... 00:36:34.385 --> 00:36:36.819 They have a tender sensibility. 00:36:36.888 --> 00:36:38.753 And you are in a position of trust. 00:36:38.823 --> 00:36:44.386 I think perhaps someone who has screaming orgasms 00:36:44.462 --> 00:36:47.090 with large women shouldn't... 00:36:47.165 --> 00:36:48.655 Yeah. 00:36:49.967 --> 00:36:51.696 Of course, I can't fire him for that. 00:36:51.769 --> 00:36:53.999 Oh, yeah. Unfair practices. 00:36:54.071 --> 00:36:56.631 Special pleading. Bitch, bitch, bitch. 00:36:56.707 --> 00:36:58.072 Fucking broads. 00:36:58.142 --> 00:36:59.404 But I just can't help it. 00:36:59.477 --> 00:37:02.935 There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy. 00:37:03.014 --> 00:37:03.981 Well, sure. 00:37:04.048 --> 00:37:06.744 Santa fucking someone in the ass. 00:37:08.920 --> 00:37:10.979 So... 00:37:11.055 --> 00:37:13.615 Maybe there's something I could fire him for. 00:37:14.926 --> 00:37:15.858 Yeah, I get you. 00:37:15.927 --> 00:37:17.588 Do you? 00:37:17.662 --> 00:37:19.527 Do you think you could find something? 00:37:19.597 --> 00:37:22.566 Shit, yeah. There's always something. 00:37:47.825 --> 00:37:48.814 Shit. 00:37:50.027 --> 00:37:52.495 Hey, Opal. Come here. 00:37:52.563 --> 00:37:53.757 Unh-unh. 00:37:53.831 --> 00:37:55.662 Screw you, Willie, your kinky ass. 00:37:55.733 --> 00:37:57.598 Last time I didn't shit right for a week. 00:37:57.668 --> 00:38:00.694 No, it's not that. I need to talk to you. 00:38:00.771 --> 00:38:03.740 I'm just tired of you, Willie. 00:38:04.675 --> 00:38:05.801 Ooh. 00:38:08.179 --> 00:38:10.113 Who the fuck is in my room? 00:38:10.181 --> 00:38:11.648 Did you see somebody go in my room? 00:38:11.716 --> 00:38:13.843 Yeah. Some guy asking about you. 00:38:13.918 --> 00:38:15.078 Looked like a cop. 00:38:15.152 --> 00:38:16.744 Oh, shit. 00:38:18.055 --> 00:38:19.181 Marcus, it's Willie. 00:38:19.257 --> 00:38:21.350 I just got back to the motel. 00:38:21.425 --> 00:38:23.757 Some guy is nosing around in my room. 00:38:23.828 --> 00:38:25.455 What guy? You get a look at him? 00:38:25.529 --> 00:38:27.156 No. But I think he's a cop, though. 00:38:27.231 --> 00:38:28.357 Think somebody's onto us? 00:38:28.432 --> 00:38:30.696 Is there anything in the room? Anything professional? 00:38:30.768 --> 00:38:32.201 No, I just got clothes in there. 00:38:32.270 --> 00:38:33.601 Just ditch, you idiot. 00:38:33.671 --> 00:38:35.764 You got anywhere to sack out for a while? 00:38:36.774 --> 00:38:38.537 - Santa! - Yeah. 00:38:38.609 --> 00:38:40.201 You're bringing my present early? 00:38:40.278 --> 00:38:41.609 No. 00:38:42.446 --> 00:38:44.346 But I never told you what I wanted. 00:38:44.415 --> 00:38:47.248 I said I didn't bring it, dipshit. 00:38:47.318 --> 00:38:48.785 Okay. Good. 00:38:48.853 --> 00:38:51.879 I want a stuffed elephant. A pink one. 00:38:51.956 --> 00:38:53.947 Wish in one hand, shit in the other one. 00:38:54.025 --> 00:38:56.858 See which one fills up first. 00:38:56.928 --> 00:38:58.361 Okay. 00:38:58.429 --> 00:39:00.624 So I'm gonna be staying here for a while. 00:39:00.698 --> 00:39:02.723 Things are all fucked up at the North Pole. 00:39:02.800 --> 00:39:04.825 Mrs. Santa caught me fucking her sister. 00:39:04.902 --> 00:39:07.735 And I'm out on my ass now. 00:39:07.805 --> 00:39:09.670 She got half of everything. 00:39:09.740 --> 00:39:11.731 This is gonna be cool. 00:39:11.809 --> 00:39:13.640 This will do fine. 00:39:19.784 --> 00:39:21.775 So I'm gonna be crashing here. 00:39:21.852 --> 00:39:25.049 It will be just you and me, like roommates, you know? 00:39:25.122 --> 00:39:27.283 Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids? 00:39:27.358 --> 00:39:28.985 No. Thank the fuck Christ. 00:39:29.060 --> 00:39:31.028 What about the elves? 00:39:31.462 --> 00:39:34.056 Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. 00:39:34.632 --> 00:39:36.361 I get them on the weekends. 00:39:36.434 --> 00:39:38.629 Why don't you go run me a bath? 00:39:42.473 --> 00:39:43.872 What about the reindeer? 00:39:43.941 --> 00:39:46.501 Would you please shut up about reindeer? 00:39:48.079 --> 00:39:49.512 What are their names? 00:39:49.580 --> 00:39:50.569 Who? 00:39:50.648 --> 00:39:51.706 The elves. 00:39:51.782 --> 00:39:53.147 Oh, shit. I can't remember. 00:39:53.217 --> 00:39:55.583 I think one of them is Sneezy. There's a Dopey. 00:39:55.653 --> 00:39:57.553 That's the Seven Dwarfs. 00:39:57.621 --> 00:39:59.350 Oh, you're shitting me. 00:39:59.423 --> 00:40:02.517 I thought... I was thinking it was the... 00:40:02.593 --> 00:40:03.855 I don't know. Fuck, kid. 00:40:03.928 --> 00:40:06.021 I just call them, "bub. " 00:40:06.097 --> 00:40:08.156 I say, "Hey, bub" or "chief" or whatever the fuck. 00:40:08.232 --> 00:40:09.995 I tell him to make the goddamn toy. 00:40:10.067 --> 00:40:12.035 What the fuck is wrong with you? 00:40:12.103 --> 00:40:13.866 I can't remember this shit! 00:40:13.938 --> 00:40:16.964 Does everything with you have to be a fucking test? 00:40:19.577 --> 00:40:20.976 How old are they? 00:40:26.484 --> 00:40:28.042 You want cookies? 00:40:28.953 --> 00:40:29.942 No. 00:40:30.021 --> 00:40:31.249 Warm milk? 00:40:31.322 --> 00:40:32.220 No. 00:40:32.289 --> 00:40:33.984 Should I fix you some sandwiches? 00:40:34.058 --> 00:40:35.821 I don't want any fucking sandwiches. 00:40:35.893 --> 00:40:38.384 What is it with you and fixing fucking sandwiches? 00:40:38.462 --> 00:40:40.760 Okay. Do you want anything else? 00:40:40.831 --> 00:40:42.458 No. 00:40:44.535 --> 00:40:46.002 Okay. 00:40:54.478 --> 00:40:56.343 Santa? 00:41:01.485 --> 00:41:02.713 What? 00:41:02.787 --> 00:41:05.347 I brought you some orange juice. 00:41:08.426 --> 00:41:09.518 What's in it? 00:41:09.593 --> 00:41:11.185 Oranges. 00:41:13.964 --> 00:41:15.795 Look what I have. 00:41:15.866 --> 00:41:17.925 An Advent calendar. 00:41:18.002 --> 00:41:19.128 What the hell is that? 00:41:19.203 --> 00:41:22.969 It's the story of Christmas, but in a calendar. 00:41:23.040 --> 00:41:25.065 Every day you peel open a new box. 00:41:25.142 --> 00:41:26.734 You get part of the story. 00:41:26.811 --> 00:41:28.802 And then there's a chocolate inside. 00:41:28.879 --> 00:41:31.507 Do you want to open up today's box and read it? 00:41:32.483 --> 00:41:34.417 No. You go ahead. 00:41:36.387 --> 00:41:39.788 Jesus Christ, kid. Watch the nuts. 00:41:47.364 --> 00:41:50.993 "So Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee 00:41:51.068 --> 00:41:54.060 to Judea, to Bethlehem, the town of David. 00:41:54.138 --> 00:41:57.073 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree 00:41:57.141 --> 00:42:00.167 that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 00:42:00.244 --> 00:42:03.407 Everyone went to his hometown to register. " 00:42:06.550 --> 00:42:08.211 - That it? - Yep. 00:42:08.285 --> 00:42:10.617 That's an awesome fucking story, kid. 00:42:10.688 --> 00:42:14.146 There's more to it, but we have to wait till tomorrow. 00:42:15.559 --> 00:42:17.789 Do you want to eat the chocolate? 00:42:18.863 --> 00:42:19.921 You go ahead. 00:42:23.134 --> 00:42:25.398 Are you coming downstairs? 00:42:25.469 --> 00:42:28.131 I'll be down in a minute. I got to go to work. 00:42:39.550 --> 00:42:40.812 Fuck me? Fuck you. 00:42:40.885 --> 00:42:42.876 You can't just take up with some kid. 00:42:42.953 --> 00:42:45.319 You don't know who's around or what they do. 00:42:45.389 --> 00:42:47.823 You got some nerve, you little shit, you. 00:42:47.892 --> 00:42:50.554 What, you're my mom now? You shat me out of your womb? 00:42:50.628 --> 00:42:54.064 You said that yesterday, you stupid fuck. 00:42:54.131 --> 00:42:55.758 Shit. 00:42:56.600 --> 00:42:58.500 Fuck you. 00:43:07.278 --> 00:43:09.576 You are by far the dumbest, 00:43:09.647 --> 00:43:12.275 most pathetic piece of maggot-eating shit 00:43:12.349 --> 00:43:15.785 that has ever slid from a human being's hairy ass. 00:43:16.654 --> 00:43:19.384 What if the kid has one of those fucking playdates they have now? 00:43:19.456 --> 00:43:22.186 Are you shitting me? The kid don't have any friends. 00:43:22.259 --> 00:43:25.387 He don't even have an imaginary friend unless he ditched him. 00:43:25.462 --> 00:43:28.431 He lives with his drooling-ass old grandmother. 00:43:28.499 --> 00:43:30.194 Sits in front of the TV all the time. 00:43:30.267 --> 00:43:31.666 You think she's gonna rat me out? 00:43:31.735 --> 00:43:34.670 She don't know her ass from last Tuesday. 00:43:35.306 --> 00:43:36.671 You fuck her? 00:43:38.309 --> 00:43:39.435 Jesus Christ. 00:43:39.510 --> 00:43:41.410 Is everything fucking sex with you? 00:43:41.478 --> 00:43:43.537 With me? I fuck one person. 00:43:43.614 --> 00:43:45.138 I ain't out there serial fornicating, 00:43:45.216 --> 00:43:47.343 trying to float my liver, drinking myself silly 00:43:47.418 --> 00:43:50.444 'cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am. 00:43:50.521 --> 00:43:53.251 What are you, Sigmund Sawed-off Fucking Freud? 00:43:53.324 --> 00:43:54.951 Yeah, that's right. 00:43:55.025 --> 00:43:56.583 Go ahead. Talk about my height. 00:43:56.660 --> 00:43:58.287 Make it about something safe 00:43:58.362 --> 00:44:00.227 'cause you're an emotional cripple. 00:44:00.297 --> 00:44:01.855 Your soul is dog shit. 00:44:01.932 --> 00:44:04.423 Every single fucking thing about you is ugly. 00:44:11.175 --> 00:44:13.700 Come on, Lois. Let's get out of here. 00:44:23.621 --> 00:44:27.182 Look who's here, Jimmy. It's Santa. 00:44:27.258 --> 00:44:28.782 That's fucking great. 00:44:28.859 --> 00:44:31.419 Let's tell him what you want for Christmas. 00:44:31.895 --> 00:44:33.556 Fuck. 00:44:36.100 --> 00:44:40.230 I'm on my fucking lunch break, okay? 00:44:40.304 --> 00:44:42.329 Are you insane? 00:44:42.406 --> 00:44:44.203 Management's gonna hear about this. 00:44:44.275 --> 00:44:46.709 You think that's a threat? 00:44:46.777 --> 00:44:49.940 If you think you can make my life any worse, go right ahead. 00:44:50.014 --> 00:44:52.778 Be my fucking guest. Take a shot. 00:45:22.479 --> 00:45:24.606 Just looking. 00:45:24.682 --> 00:45:26.411 Aah! 00:45:32.089 --> 00:45:34.683 Find everything you're looking for? 00:45:34.758 --> 00:45:36.988 Um, yeah. Thank you. 00:45:37.061 --> 00:45:39.928 Nothing I can help you with, huh? 00:45:39.997 --> 00:45:43.933 No. I'm just looking at the games 'cause I have an Xbox. 00:45:44.001 --> 00:45:46.834 Get your hands out of my pants, man! 00:45:46.904 --> 00:45:50.271 You're stealing from the store, you're stealing from me. 00:45:50.341 --> 00:45:51.672 What is this? 00:45:51.742 --> 00:45:53.676 I was gonna pay for it. 00:45:53.744 --> 00:45:54.802 Wrong answer. 00:45:54.878 --> 00:45:56.778 When I look at you, you know what I think? 00:45:56.847 --> 00:45:59.645 I think America has a sad future ahead of it. 00:45:59.717 --> 00:46:02.242 And you're part of this sorry-ass generation. 00:46:02.319 --> 00:46:03.911 What you want to be when you grow up? 00:46:03.987 --> 00:46:06.285 I don't know. 00:46:06.357 --> 00:46:08.518 - This MP3? - Yeah. 00:46:08.592 --> 00:46:09.957 Take it off. 00:46:10.027 --> 00:46:12.587 But my grandmother gave... 00:46:12.663 --> 00:46:15.097 Take it off. I don't care who gave it to you. 00:46:15.165 --> 00:46:17.133 Take it off. 00:46:17.201 --> 00:46:19.101 I don't care if it choke you to death. 00:46:19.169 --> 00:46:21.262 Now, I want you to get on out of here. Get! 00:46:21.338 --> 00:46:22.965 - But can I have... - Get! 00:46:23.040 --> 00:46:24.200 Happy Kwanzaa. 00:46:27.745 --> 00:46:29.713 And pull your damn pants up! 00:46:29.780 --> 00:46:31.645 What's wrong with you kids these days? 00:46:32.916 --> 00:46:34.178 MAN: Gin? 00:46:34.251 --> 00:46:35.980 - Yeah. - What do you need? 00:46:36.053 --> 00:46:37.782 I need you to run a plate for me. 00:46:37.855 --> 00:46:38.981 It's Arizona plates. 00:46:39.056 --> 00:46:40.853 Hold on. Let me get a pen. 00:47:07.785 --> 00:47:09.218 Is that it? 00:47:20.030 --> 00:47:23.966 For Christ's sake, make a move and stick with it, would you? 00:47:32.075 --> 00:47:33.736 King me. 00:47:36.146 --> 00:47:38.011 Son of a bitch! 00:47:38.081 --> 00:47:42.711 You lousy, cheating little shit! 00:47:44.555 --> 00:47:47.115 You're fucking with me! You did that on purpose. 00:47:47.191 --> 00:47:49.751 You play like the dead lice are falling off of you, 00:47:49.827 --> 00:47:52.660 and then suddenly, you're like Seabiscuit all over the place. 00:47:52.729 --> 00:47:55.220 You're a smart-ass, is what you are, kid. 00:47:56.266 --> 00:47:58.029 Want to play again? 00:48:02.739 --> 00:48:04.331 Howdy. Herb Gunner. 00:48:04.408 --> 00:48:06.774 I live two streets over on Burning Trail Road. 00:48:06.844 --> 00:48:08.573 I don't think we've met. 00:48:11.482 --> 00:48:12.676 I'm Uncle Willie. 00:48:12.749 --> 00:48:15.513 I'm organizing the decorations for the subdivision this year. 00:48:15.586 --> 00:48:18.020 - You mind if I come in? - Yeah. 00:48:18.088 --> 00:48:20.488 I mean yeah, I mind. 00:48:20.557 --> 00:48:21.751 Okay. Uh... 00:48:21.825 --> 00:48:25.784 Will you be participating in our luminarias program this year? 00:48:27.831 --> 00:48:30.664 - What the hell is a lunamaria? - They're luminarias. 00:48:30.734 --> 00:48:33.168 Small sacks filled with about a pound of sand each. 00:48:33.237 --> 00:48:35.205 We insert a candle in the middle, light it, 00:48:35.272 --> 00:48:36.603 and the bag glows. 00:48:36.673 --> 00:48:38.334 Then we line all the sidewalks here 00:48:38.408 --> 00:48:40.774 all around the neighborhood. 00:48:41.378 --> 00:48:45.314 You see, we don't celebrate Christmas around here, so... 00:48:45.382 --> 00:48:48.613 We're, uh, we're Muslims. 00:48:48.685 --> 00:48:50.744 Look, it's my first year running this. 00:48:50.821 --> 00:48:53.119 I'd like it if there weren't any gaps in it. 00:48:53.190 --> 00:48:55.920 What if I come by Christmas Eve and do it for you? 00:48:55.993 --> 00:48:58.086 No, you know what? You don't have to do that. 00:48:58.161 --> 00:49:00.755 Yeah, me and the kid here, we'll do something. 00:49:00.831 --> 00:49:02.093 Great. I got the supplies. 00:49:02.165 --> 00:49:03.632 - I'll throw them in the garage. - Perfect. 00:49:03.700 --> 00:49:05.600 Awesome. 00:49:05.669 --> 00:49:07.364 Going in the garage, just so you know. 00:49:07.437 --> 00:49:11.066 MAN ON TV: You can make a delicious six-pound chicken. 00:49:11.141 --> 00:49:14.269 Enough hot dogs and sausages to feed a small army. 00:49:14.344 --> 00:49:17.575 Not one, but two delicious rotisserie chickens. 00:49:17.648 --> 00:49:20.116 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. 00:49:20.183 --> 00:49:23.050 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. 00:49:23.120 --> 00:49:26.112 MAN ON TV: Scrumptious 6 1/2-pound standing rib roast. 00:49:26.189 --> 00:49:30.853 And everybody's favorite, baby back ribs. 00:49:44.107 --> 00:49:47.338 This is such a nice house. 00:49:47.411 --> 00:49:49.936 Needs a woman's touch, though. 00:49:50.013 --> 00:49:53.005 I just rent the fucking place anyway. 00:49:55.852 --> 00:49:57.444 Yeah. I just rent stuff, too. 00:49:57.521 --> 00:49:58.681 Yeah? 00:50:06.163 --> 00:50:08.290 How long are you gonna be here? 00:50:08.365 --> 00:50:10.424 What? On the couch? 00:50:10.500 --> 00:50:12.127 No. 00:50:12.202 --> 00:50:13.931 In town. 00:50:15.505 --> 00:50:18.167 I don't know. Just through the holidays. 00:50:18.241 --> 00:50:20.539 You know, then I'll move on. 00:50:22.913 --> 00:50:24.380 So, do you like kids? 00:50:25.582 --> 00:50:27.379 Fuck, no! 00:50:27.451 --> 00:50:29.919 Do you think I'm some kind of pervert? 00:50:29.987 --> 00:50:32.888 I just mean because you're Santa Claus. 00:50:33.924 --> 00:50:34.891 Oh. 00:50:34.958 --> 00:50:37.222 I like kids. I really like kids. 00:50:37.294 --> 00:50:39.455 - You do? - I love kids. 00:50:39.529 --> 00:50:41.190 Well, good. 00:50:42.466 --> 00:50:45.526 Yeah, they're something else, those kids. 00:50:47.671 --> 00:50:49.571 And to tell you the truth... 00:50:51.208 --> 00:50:55.269 The fact of the matter is, I'm not Santa. 00:50:58.048 --> 00:51:00.539 Like ya anyway. 00:51:14.998 --> 00:51:17.330 So, you'll call me, right? 00:51:17.401 --> 00:51:20.165 Yeah. I'll call you. 00:51:20.237 --> 00:51:21.568 I'm gonna buy you some flowers. 00:51:21.638 --> 00:51:24.072 Some of those really good expensive ones. 00:51:24.141 --> 00:51:25.403 Shut up. 00:51:27.678 --> 00:51:29.612 Bye. 00:52:37.180 --> 00:52:38.670 Roger, you're home. 00:52:38.749 --> 00:52:41.445 Let me fix you some sandwiches. 00:52:43.720 --> 00:52:44.709 What the fuck? 00:52:44.788 --> 00:52:48.189 Kid, what the fuck is wrong with you? 00:52:53.230 --> 00:52:54.629 Jesus Christ! 00:52:54.698 --> 00:52:56.165 Let me see it! Let me see it! 00:52:56.233 --> 00:52:57.530 What the hell happened to you?! 00:52:57.601 --> 00:53:00.832 I cut my hand by mistake! Ow! 00:53:00.904 --> 00:53:03.464 - Of course it was by mistake. - Ow! 00:53:03.540 --> 00:53:05.531 Here, hold still. Hold still. 00:53:07.077 --> 00:53:09.272 I was just trying to help you! 00:53:09.346 --> 00:53:12.213 I forgot to say, "It's gonna sting a little bit. " 00:53:12.282 --> 00:53:14.773 Shouldn't I wrap it in a T-shirt or something? 00:53:14.851 --> 00:53:16.546 God damn it. 00:53:21.024 --> 00:53:23.925 Hey, kid? 00:53:25.095 --> 00:53:27.655 Kid, you okay up there? 00:53:27.731 --> 00:53:30.256 You need a Band-Aid or something? 00:53:39.509 --> 00:53:41.602 Aw, shit. 00:53:50.420 --> 00:53:51.614 You're late. 00:53:58.595 --> 00:54:00.187 Kids. Let me tell you. 00:54:03.700 --> 00:54:05.531 They run you ragged. 00:54:17.214 --> 00:54:19.409 Morning, team. 00:54:19.950 --> 00:54:21.042 Hey, hey, hey. 00:54:21.117 --> 00:54:23.381 It's not quite 8:00 yet. 00:54:24.387 --> 00:54:26.412 Well, how close are we? 00:54:30.927 --> 00:54:32.258 Now it's 8:00. 00:54:32.329 --> 00:54:33.421 Merry Christmas. 00:54:33.496 --> 00:54:35.464 Up your ass. 00:54:41.805 --> 00:54:43.170 God damn it! 00:54:43.240 --> 00:54:44.798 You tear your ball again? 00:54:44.875 --> 00:54:46.137 I don't think so. 00:54:46.209 --> 00:54:48.803 That's it. 00:55:05.328 --> 00:55:07.455 God damn it! 00:55:22.512 --> 00:55:24.537 Sweetheart, don't romance 'em, now. 00:55:24.614 --> 00:55:26.275 Go on and get in there. I can take it. 00:55:28.919 --> 00:55:29.817 Yeah. 00:55:29.886 --> 00:55:31.877 Gin, I got the info on that Arizona plate. 00:55:31.955 --> 00:55:33.923 All right. Now you're talking. 00:55:33.990 --> 00:55:36.015 Oh, hold on one minute. 00:55:36.092 --> 00:55:38.492 Baby, baby. Baby, baby. Don't use that one. 00:55:38.561 --> 00:55:39.619 That's not the stuff. 00:55:39.696 --> 00:55:41.994 Use something with some claws to it. 00:55:42.065 --> 00:55:44.465 Yeah, that hard candy. That's it right there. 00:55:44.534 --> 00:55:47.799 Let me get some of that. Yeah, that's it. 00:55:47.871 --> 00:55:49.202 Okay. 00:55:49.272 --> 00:55:50.204 Yeah, I'm back. 00:55:50.273 --> 00:55:51.706 The guy's Roger Merman. 00:55:51.775 --> 00:55:54.005 - Guess where he is. - Give it to me. 00:55:54.077 --> 00:55:57.171 Ow! Damn it! What's wrong with you, woman? 00:56:06.589 --> 00:56:08.181 Who are you? 00:56:08.258 --> 00:56:09.486 Your name Roger Merman? 00:56:09.559 --> 00:56:10.548 Yes. But... 00:56:10.627 --> 00:56:12.356 You doing three to six for embezzlement? 00:56:12.429 --> 00:56:17.025 Uh, well, many accounting questions are not cut-and-dried. 00:56:17.100 --> 00:56:19.534 Do you live at 41 Sage Terrace? 00:56:19.602 --> 00:56:21.570 Is it Grandma? 00:56:21.638 --> 00:56:22.832 Is my son all right? 00:56:22.906 --> 00:56:24.237 They're fine. 00:56:24.307 --> 00:56:26.605 Do you have any houseguests? 00:56:27.310 --> 00:56:28.436 Houseguests? 00:56:30.347 --> 00:56:32.838 Thank you for your time. God bless. 00:56:33.516 --> 00:56:35.575 Well, hey, who are you? 00:56:37.854 --> 00:56:40.049 Houseguests? 00:56:43.126 --> 00:56:45.686 Little trick I learned up at the North Pole. 00:56:45.762 --> 00:56:48.526 If you fry baloney, it tastes like a hot dog. 00:56:48.598 --> 00:56:50.498 I thought you didn't like sandwiches. 00:56:50.567 --> 00:56:52.501 Yeah, but this is not a sandwich. 00:56:52.569 --> 00:56:54.127 A sandwich has two pieces of bread 00:56:54.204 --> 00:56:56.035 with a bunch of junk on it. 00:56:57.273 --> 00:56:58.797 It's like a tostada. 00:56:58.875 --> 00:57:01.469 This isn't a tostada. 00:57:01.544 --> 00:57:02.875 There you go, Granny. 00:57:03.880 --> 00:57:06.212 Little salsa here. 00:57:07.283 --> 00:57:09.683 Now it's a tostada. 00:57:10.286 --> 00:57:12.049 Have you seen my Advent calendar? 00:57:12.122 --> 00:57:14.522 What the fuck is it with the Advent calendar? 00:57:14.591 --> 00:57:16.752 Why are you so obsessed with that goddamn thing? 00:57:16.826 --> 00:57:18.817 The story sucks anyway. 00:57:22.899 --> 00:57:24.457 I think I saw it in the hallway. 00:57:24.534 --> 00:57:26.263 - Really? - I think so. 00:57:35.045 --> 00:57:37.809 Looks like someone messed with my Advent calendar. 00:57:37.881 --> 00:57:40.441 What are you talking about? Let me see. 00:57:41.684 --> 00:57:44.050 Nobody messed with it. It looks fine. 00:57:58.701 --> 00:58:01.465 There's a candy corn in this one. 00:58:01.538 --> 00:58:04.166 Well, they can't all be winners, can they? 00:58:09.112 --> 00:58:12.081 Well, it's fucked. 00:58:12.148 --> 00:58:13.547 Yeah? 00:58:13.616 --> 00:58:15.243 Yeah. 00:58:15.318 --> 00:58:17.013 - Fucked, frankly. - He's... 00:58:17.087 --> 00:58:18.679 - Clean... - Oh. 00:58:18.755 --> 00:58:20.450 - As a fucking whistle. - Nothing? 00:58:20.523 --> 00:58:21.820 - No. - Oh. 00:58:21.891 --> 00:58:23.825 - Nothing. I mean shit. - Yeah. 00:58:23.893 --> 00:58:25.155 - He curses. - Yeah? 00:58:25.228 --> 00:58:27.025 - But never around children. - Oh. 00:58:27.097 --> 00:58:28.530 - No criminal record. - Yeah. 00:58:28.598 --> 00:58:31.192 - No parking tickets. - Nothing. 00:58:31.267 --> 00:58:33.360 - No bad habits, even. - Oh. 00:58:33.436 --> 00:58:34.733 Sex, yeah. 00:58:34.804 --> 00:58:37.466 - But man is a sexual being. - Yeah. 00:58:37.540 --> 00:58:39.337 - Fuckin' Darwinian. - Oh. 00:58:39.409 --> 00:58:41.468 - You can't do shit about that. - No. 00:58:41.544 --> 00:58:43.239 Hell, I wouldn't want to. 00:58:46.216 --> 00:58:49.708 No, of course not. I'm not advocating celibacy. 00:58:49.786 --> 00:58:52.550 Hope not. It'd be the end of the fucking human race. 00:58:52.622 --> 00:58:54.385 Yeah. 00:58:54.457 --> 00:58:56.118 Fucks large women. 00:58:56.993 --> 00:58:58.654 What can I say? 00:59:11.674 --> 00:59:14.165 Hey, look, it's the retard again. 00:59:25.021 --> 00:59:25.988 Wedgie. 00:59:26.055 --> 00:59:27.716 - Yeah. - Yeah. 00:59:30.093 --> 00:59:31.560 Well, what the hell do you want? 00:59:31.628 --> 00:59:33.027 Pokémon! 00:59:33.096 --> 00:59:34.461 Done. 00:59:38.835 --> 00:59:42.066 You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass. 00:59:43.306 --> 00:59:45.137 Santa... 00:59:46.709 --> 00:59:48.506 Oh, jeez. 00:59:51.848 --> 00:59:54.248 - Is that your underwear? - Part of it. 00:59:54.317 --> 00:59:56.114 Where the hell's the rest of it? 00:59:56.186 --> 00:59:58.654 No, actually, don't tell me. What do you want? 00:59:58.721 --> 01:00:02.282 I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. 01:00:02.358 --> 01:00:04.053 But now I changed my mind. 01:00:04.127 --> 01:00:07.062 - Yeah, what? - Now I don't want an elephant. 01:00:07.130 --> 01:00:08.688 I want a gorilla named Davey 01:00:08.765 --> 01:00:11.632 for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. 01:00:11.701 --> 01:00:14.067 He could take his orders from the talking walnut, 01:00:14.137 --> 01:00:16.571 so it wouldn't be my bad thing. 01:00:21.177 --> 01:00:22.405 Jesus, kid. 01:00:22.478 --> 01:00:24.742 When I was your age, I didn't need no gorilla, 01:00:24.814 --> 01:00:26.782 and I wasn't as big as one of your legs. 01:00:26.849 --> 01:00:29.249 Four kids beat me up and I went crying to my daddy. 01:00:29.319 --> 01:00:31.184 - You know what he did? - He made it all better? 01:00:31.254 --> 01:00:34.018 No, he kicked my ass. You know why? 01:00:34.090 --> 01:00:36.991 'Cause you went to the bathroom on Mommy's dishes? 01:00:37.060 --> 01:00:38.652 What the fuck? 01:00:38.728 --> 01:00:39.592 No. 01:00:39.662 --> 01:00:42.324 He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man? 01:00:42.398 --> 01:00:46.562 No. It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch. 01:00:46.636 --> 01:00:48.297 When he wasn't busting my ass, 01:00:48.371 --> 01:00:50.202 he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. 01:00:50.273 --> 01:00:51.604 The world ain't fair. 01:00:51.674 --> 01:00:54.074 You gotta take what you need when you can get it. 01:00:54.143 --> 01:00:56.839 Learn to stand up for yourself. Quit being a pussy. 01:00:56.913 --> 01:00:59.575 Kick these kids in the balls or something. 01:01:01.217 --> 01:01:02.775 Or don't. Shit, I don't care. 01:01:02.852 --> 01:01:05.343 Just leave me out of it. Now, get on out of here. 01:01:05.421 --> 01:01:07.946 Okay. Thanks, Santa. 01:01:22.405 --> 01:01:24.873 Go get the next lucky boy or girl, okay? 01:01:26.209 --> 01:01:27.972 All right, next. 01:01:29.812 --> 01:01:32.144 Open the ropes there, Marcus. 01:01:33.182 --> 01:01:34.376 I know you? 01:01:34.450 --> 01:01:35.474 Not yet. 01:01:37.687 --> 01:01:39.951 Seven cities in seven years. 01:01:40.023 --> 01:01:41.684 Pretty impressive. 01:01:41.758 --> 01:01:44.056 The store changes, your name changes. 01:01:44.127 --> 01:01:46.595 But you always get away clean. 01:01:46.663 --> 01:01:47.925 Yeah. 01:01:47.997 --> 01:01:49.897 Pretty darn impressive. 01:01:49.966 --> 01:01:51.558 Well, let's face the facts. 01:01:51.634 --> 01:01:53.864 Y'all are a couple of half-bucket small-timers. 01:01:53.936 --> 01:01:57.167 You, because of your physical attributes, found a niche, 01:01:57.240 --> 01:01:58.764 and I respect that. 01:01:58.841 --> 01:02:00.866 But you also been caught... 01:02:01.978 --> 01:02:03.104 ... by me. 01:02:03.179 --> 01:02:06.012 So this is how it's gonna be. 01:02:06.082 --> 01:02:07.709 I don't want to take over. 01:02:07.784 --> 01:02:10.048 I don't even want to change your scam. 01:02:10.119 --> 01:02:12.212 Whatever you guys do, it works. 01:02:12.288 --> 01:02:14.188 All I want is a taste. 01:02:14.257 --> 01:02:16.782 When the deed is done, we part ways. 01:02:16.859 --> 01:02:18.690 I'll buy a little ranch in Havasu, 01:02:18.761 --> 01:02:22.128 and you all take your little medicine show back on the road. 01:02:24.767 --> 01:02:26.064 - How much? - Half. 01:02:26.135 --> 01:02:28.433 No way! You don't know who you're fucking with. 01:02:28.504 --> 01:02:31.667 Back off, Will. I got this. I got this! 01:02:33.076 --> 01:02:34.941 Okay. 30%. 01:02:35.011 --> 01:02:37.809 There's three of us. 30%. That's fair. 01:02:37.880 --> 01:02:39.575 Half. 01:02:39.649 --> 01:02:40.946 I meant 33%... 01:02:41.017 --> 01:02:41.881 I meant half. 01:02:41.951 --> 01:02:42.975 ... and 1/3. 01:02:43.052 --> 01:02:44.542 Half. 01:02:45.855 --> 01:02:47.049 35%. 01:02:47.990 --> 01:02:48.718 Half. 01:02:48.791 --> 01:02:50.452 40%. 01:02:51.627 --> 01:02:53.060 Half. 01:02:55.098 --> 01:02:56.463 42%. 01:02:58.634 --> 01:02:59.999 Half. 01:03:04.974 --> 01:03:06.134 45%. 01:03:12.181 --> 01:03:13.773 Half. 01:03:14.884 --> 01:03:15.873 48%? 01:03:17.053 --> 01:03:19.112 Half. 01:03:19.856 --> 01:03:20.880 49%. 01:03:20.957 --> 01:03:22.390 Half. 01:03:24.060 --> 01:03:25.925 Well, what's one point? 01:03:25.995 --> 01:03:27.929 We split the dough right down the middle. 01:03:27.997 --> 01:03:30.465 Any merchandise you take, I get to look at and cherry-pick. 01:03:30.533 --> 01:03:32.865 No! Money's one thing, but you ain't gettin' the... 01:03:32.935 --> 01:03:35.369 This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff. 01:03:35.438 --> 01:03:37.998 I tell you how it's gonna be. 01:03:38.074 --> 01:03:40.440 This is pricks fix. 01:03:45.915 --> 01:03:46.973 Pricks fix? 01:03:47.049 --> 01:03:48.983 He's a fucking moron. 01:03:49.051 --> 01:03:49.949 Oh, really? 01:03:50.019 --> 01:03:51.816 Is that how you got the upper hand? 01:03:51.888 --> 01:03:52.786 Fuck you. 01:03:52.855 --> 01:03:53.844 Negotiating? 01:03:53.923 --> 01:03:55.788 If you don't like, next year, fuck off. 01:03:55.858 --> 01:03:57.621 I can always get another box jockey. 01:03:57.693 --> 01:03:59.058 I can get another midget, too. 01:03:59.128 --> 01:04:00.356 Yeah, where? 01:04:00.430 --> 01:04:03.456 You see us hanging off of trees like fucking crab apples? 01:04:03.533 --> 01:04:05.967 Even if we did, you'd never front your own racket. 01:04:06.035 --> 01:04:08.367 You know why, Willie? You got no discipline. 01:04:08.438 --> 01:04:11.771 You got zero fuckin' initiative. You'd fall apart without me. 01:04:11.841 --> 01:04:13.468 You're too pathetic for words. 01:04:13.543 --> 01:04:16.307 You're a fucking loser, and you fucking know it. 01:04:38.868 --> 01:04:42.702 Santa'll be here real soon, kids. Real soon. 01:04:46.175 --> 01:04:47.972 There he is. Look. 01:04:50.413 --> 01:04:52.938 Oh, no. 01:04:59.155 --> 01:05:01.555 Oh, my God! 01:05:30.253 --> 01:05:32.244 Sweet Jews for Jesus. 01:05:32.321 --> 01:05:34.346 I pissed myself. 01:05:34.423 --> 01:05:36.118 What the fuck do you think you doing? 01:05:36.192 --> 01:05:38.023 You son of a bitch! 01:05:38.094 --> 01:05:39.254 Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. 01:05:39.328 --> 01:05:40.693 Hey, come on, come on. 01:05:40.763 --> 01:05:42.390 Look, hey! Come on, come on! 01:05:42.465 --> 01:05:44.399 Look here. Get him out of here. 01:05:44.467 --> 01:05:46.094 I'll smooth things over with Chipeska. 01:05:46.168 --> 01:05:48.932 - Tell him food poisoning. - "Get him out of here"? 01:05:49.005 --> 01:05:50.336 Take him to the car. 01:05:50.406 --> 01:05:53.398 In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a motherfuckin' dwarf. 01:05:53.476 --> 01:05:55.467 So unless you got a forklift handy, 01:05:55.545 --> 01:05:57.479 maybe you should lend a hand, hmm? 01:05:57.547 --> 01:05:59.606 That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. 01:05:59.682 --> 01:06:01.547 Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. 01:06:01.617 --> 01:06:02.515 You all the same. 01:06:02.585 --> 01:06:03.677 Special treatment? 01:06:03.753 --> 01:06:06.085 I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall, you asshole! 01:06:06.155 --> 01:06:07.747 It's a matter of physics. 01:06:07.823 --> 01:06:10.291 Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh? 01:06:10.359 --> 01:06:12.122 Bitch, bitch, bitch. 01:06:12.194 --> 01:06:13.821 Sketch it up, you moron. 01:06:13.896 --> 01:06:16.456 Fucking Leonardo da Vinci. 01:06:17.733 --> 01:06:19.200 What you call me, thigh high? 01:06:19.268 --> 01:06:20.929 I called you a fucking guinea homo 01:06:21.003 --> 01:06:23.335 from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead! 01:06:23.406 --> 01:06:25.499 I could stick you up my ass, small fry. 01:06:25.575 --> 01:06:28.237 Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night? 01:06:28.311 --> 01:06:30.142 You got some lip on you, midget. 01:06:30.212 --> 01:06:33.045 Well, these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. 01:06:33.115 --> 01:06:35.879 Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? 01:06:35.952 --> 01:06:37.510 Asshole. 01:06:41.991 --> 01:06:43.288 I pissed my pants. 01:06:43.359 --> 01:06:44.690 Oh, shut up. 01:07:09.485 --> 01:07:11.385 Santa. 01:07:21.063 --> 01:07:22.690 Santa? 01:07:24.066 --> 01:07:25.465 What? 01:07:26.769 --> 01:07:28.566 What are you doing? 01:07:29.939 --> 01:07:31.406 Nothing. 01:07:32.441 --> 01:07:34.409 You going to work today? 01:07:37.780 --> 01:07:39.645 Not really. 01:07:39.715 --> 01:07:42.445 You just gonna sit there? 01:07:44.587 --> 01:07:45.519 Yeah. 01:07:45.588 --> 01:07:48.284 Just let me alone, okay? 01:07:51.761 --> 01:07:53.729 Hey, wait a minute. Hey, kid? 01:07:53.796 --> 01:07:55.263 Yeah? 01:07:59.301 --> 01:08:01.166 I want you to take this letter. 01:08:01.237 --> 01:08:05.367 When the paramedics come to bag Santa up, 01:08:05.441 --> 01:08:07.466 there's gonna be some cops there. 01:08:07.543 --> 01:08:10.740 I want you to make sure that those cops get that envelope. 01:08:10.813 --> 01:08:12.678 What is it? 01:08:12.748 --> 01:08:15.740 It just tells all the bad things that... 01:08:18.154 --> 01:08:20.645 What the fuck happened to your eye? 01:08:21.857 --> 01:08:23.290 Fucking little prick! 01:08:26.128 --> 01:08:28.892 So you like to give little kids black eyes, huh? 01:08:31.400 --> 01:08:33.527 How 'bout you, huh?! You want some?! 01:08:33.602 --> 01:08:36.196 Anybody else? Anybody else? Come on! 01:08:36.272 --> 01:08:38.001 Yeah, there you go. 01:08:55.958 --> 01:08:58.586 You know, I think I've turned a corner. 01:08:59.328 --> 01:09:02.764 Yeah? You fucking petites now? 01:09:02.832 --> 01:09:05.198 No. I'm not talking about that. 01:09:07.303 --> 01:09:10.864 I beat the shit out of some kids today. 01:09:10.940 --> 01:09:13.204 But it was for a purpose. 01:09:15.578 --> 01:09:18.172 It made me feel good about myself. 01:09:19.815 --> 01:09:22.375 It was like I did something constructive with my life. 01:09:22.451 --> 01:09:24.214 I don't know. 01:09:24.286 --> 01:09:26.618 Like I accomplished something. 01:09:29.992 --> 01:09:32.859 You need many years of therapy. 01:09:32.928 --> 01:09:36.989 Many, many, many fuckin' years of therapy. 01:09:37.767 --> 01:09:40.327 Okay. You don't drink, which is smart on your part. 01:09:40.402 --> 01:09:42.495 But being sober can put you at a disadvantage 01:09:42.571 --> 01:09:44.038 when it comes to violence. 01:09:44.106 --> 01:09:46.267 I can't box worth a shit, see. 01:09:46.342 --> 01:09:50.176 But I'm good in a fight because I can't feel anything. 01:09:50.246 --> 01:09:52.771 You, you're gonna feel everything. 01:09:54.049 --> 01:09:55.516 Okay. 01:09:55.584 --> 01:09:59.281 Now put your dukes up. Let me see what you got. 01:09:59.355 --> 01:10:00.379 This is bullshit! 01:10:00.456 --> 01:10:03.789 Give me one good reason why I should even consider doing this. 01:10:03.859 --> 01:10:06.384 'Cause I let 2,000 kids spit in my face for your ass. 01:10:06.462 --> 01:10:07.520 That's why. 01:10:07.596 --> 01:10:09.359 Now, I'm asking you for this one thing. 01:10:09.431 --> 01:10:11.126 Come on, look at the kid. 01:10:12.568 --> 01:10:13.830 He is pathetic. 01:10:13.903 --> 01:10:15.495 Yeah, he's just a little... 01:10:15.571 --> 01:10:17.732 He's a fucking retard. 01:10:18.941 --> 01:10:21.068 Yeah, let's show him a couple of things 01:10:21.143 --> 01:10:22.474 so he can defend himself, then. 01:10:22.545 --> 01:10:24.172 Unless you're scared. 01:10:25.614 --> 01:10:27.411 All right, here's what's gonna happen. 01:10:27.483 --> 01:10:28.882 Marcus is a bully, right? 01:10:28.951 --> 01:10:30.919 He's gonna pull your underwear up out of your pants. 01:10:30.986 --> 01:10:32.214 Now, what do you do? 01:10:32.288 --> 01:10:33.346 I don't know. 01:10:33.422 --> 01:10:34.684 God damn it! You don't know? 01:10:34.757 --> 01:10:38.090 If somebody wants to pull your underwear up out of your pants, 01:10:38.160 --> 01:10:39.354 you have to get mad. 01:10:39.428 --> 01:10:41.555 Yeah, kid, come on. Get mad. 01:10:41.630 --> 01:10:43.029 Scream at him. 01:10:45.267 --> 01:10:46.256 Jesus fucking Christ. 01:10:46.335 --> 01:10:48.667 Listen at him. He's a fucking faggot. 01:10:49.572 --> 01:10:51.005 Loud! Scream! 01:10:51.073 --> 01:10:53.007 Be loud! Be mean! 01:10:53.075 --> 01:10:54.269 Piss him off! Come on! 01:10:54.343 --> 01:10:55.571 Aah! 01:11:00.983 --> 01:11:04.111 You don't hit people in the balls, 01:11:04.186 --> 01:11:05.346 you asshole! 01:11:05.421 --> 01:11:07.389 Aah! 01:11:07.456 --> 01:11:09.788 What the fuck's wrong with you? He's just a kid. 01:11:09.859 --> 01:11:11.759 - Fuck you, Willie! - Ow! 01:11:12.494 --> 01:11:14.257 God damn it. 01:11:14.330 --> 01:11:15.991 I told you I didn't want to do this! 01:11:16.065 --> 01:11:18.033 Making me... Ohh! 01:11:19.568 --> 01:11:21.468 Oh, shit. 01:11:23.973 --> 01:11:27.340 Kid, maybe you shouldn't spend so much time around me. 01:11:28.711 --> 01:11:30.872 You sneaky little prick. 01:11:32.081 --> 01:11:34.549 Fuck you! Little bastard! 01:11:34.617 --> 01:11:35.948 Get off me! 01:11:43.192 --> 01:11:46.457 Shut up. That's not even what you said. 01:11:46.528 --> 01:11:48.291 Oh, God damn it, I forgot about that. 01:11:48.364 --> 01:11:50.992 We got a fucking nursing home around here. 01:11:51.066 --> 01:11:53.193 Well, we can go in another room. 01:11:58.207 --> 01:12:00.641 She does look kind of still, doesn't she? 01:12:03.579 --> 01:12:05.103 Hey, Granny? 01:12:08.050 --> 01:12:09.813 Hey, Granny. 01:12:15.591 --> 01:12:17.855 Hey, there, Granny? 01:12:17.927 --> 01:12:19.622 Oh, Granny. 01:12:21.897 --> 01:12:22.864 Oh, my God. 01:12:22.932 --> 01:12:24.456 What the fuck? 01:12:26.969 --> 01:12:28.163 Oh, shit. 01:12:31.707 --> 01:12:32.935 - Roger! - God! 01:12:33.008 --> 01:12:35.602 - God damn it! Shit! - You're home. 01:12:35.678 --> 01:12:39.273 - Please just tap me. - Let me fix some sandwiches. 01:13:14.850 --> 01:13:16.044 Hello, little boy. 01:13:16.118 --> 01:13:17.676 Hello. Santa... 01:13:17.753 --> 01:13:20.483 I know that Christmas Eve is in a couple days, 01:13:20.556 --> 01:13:22.114 and you have to fly around the world 01:13:22.191 --> 01:13:26.355 and give presents to everyone, and you won't be around anymore. 01:13:26.428 --> 01:13:27.360 Yeah? 01:13:27.429 --> 01:13:29.954 So I thought I'd give you your present now. 01:13:36.839 --> 01:13:37.931 What the fuck is it? 01:13:38.007 --> 01:13:39.872 It's a wooden pickle. 01:13:41.410 --> 01:13:43.935 - Why'd you paint it brown? - It's not paint. 01:13:44.013 --> 01:13:47.414 It's blood from when I cut my hand making it for you. 01:13:49.018 --> 01:13:50.246 Oh. 01:13:50.319 --> 01:13:52.651 Well, shit, kid, I don't know. 01:13:52.721 --> 01:13:54.382 I... 01:13:55.858 --> 01:13:57.917 Thanks. 01:13:57.993 --> 01:13:59.858 You're welcome. 01:13:59.928 --> 01:14:01.361 Good night, Santa. 01:14:03.098 --> 01:14:06.261 Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister. 01:14:07.036 --> 01:14:08.901 Good night, sweetie. 01:14:11.373 --> 01:14:13.307 Oh, my God. 01:14:13.375 --> 01:14:14.808 That was so sweet. 01:14:14.877 --> 01:14:17.846 He's a really sweet kid, isn't he? 01:14:17.913 --> 01:14:20.074 Yeah, I guess so. 01:14:22.885 --> 01:14:24.819 Come on, baby. 01:14:25.554 --> 01:14:27.112 Come here. 01:14:28.490 --> 01:14:29.980 What? 01:14:30.059 --> 01:14:32.254 Oh, nothing. I'm all right. 01:14:36.098 --> 01:14:38.157 Just a little tired. 01:14:38.233 --> 01:14:40.064 Oh. 01:14:49.945 --> 01:14:51.139 Santa! 01:14:51.213 --> 01:14:53.408 God damn it! Whoa! Shit! 01:14:53.482 --> 01:14:55.712 Want to see my report card? 01:14:55.784 --> 01:14:57.615 You scared the holy shit out of me. 01:14:57.686 --> 01:14:58.948 Think I did good? 01:14:59.021 --> 01:15:02.081 How would I know? I haven't seen the fuckin' thing yet. 01:15:07.062 --> 01:15:08.529 Who the fuck is Thurman? 01:15:08.597 --> 01:15:11.259 - Is your name Thurman? - Yeah. 01:15:13.135 --> 01:15:14.500 Thurman Merman? 01:15:14.570 --> 01:15:16.128 Yeah. 01:15:17.773 --> 01:15:19.331 Jesus. 01:15:19.408 --> 01:15:21.171 So, you think I did good? 01:15:23.879 --> 01:15:27.315 What do you care what I think, anyway? 01:15:27.382 --> 01:15:29.509 Hell, I guess you did better than I did. 01:15:29.585 --> 01:15:31.951 I never got any B's. 01:15:32.020 --> 01:15:34.545 I thought maybe at least since I did good in school, 01:15:34.623 --> 01:15:36.181 maybe you'd bring me a present. 01:15:36.258 --> 01:15:38.123 'Cause last year and the year before that, 01:15:38.193 --> 01:15:40.320 you didn't bring me any presents. 01:15:43.398 --> 01:15:45.730 Even though I'm a dipshit loser. 01:15:49.972 --> 01:15:52.133 Jesus fucking Christ, kid! 01:15:52.207 --> 01:15:55.267 Why do you talk about yourself that way?! 01:15:55.344 --> 01:15:58.507 Let me give you some news. I'm not Santa Claus, all right? 01:15:58.580 --> 01:16:01.071 Take a look at me. Do I look like Santa Claus? 01:16:01.150 --> 01:16:03.618 As a matter of fact, I'm living fucking proof 01:16:03.685 --> 01:16:05.915 that there's not a Santa Claus. 01:16:06.655 --> 01:16:08.816 I know there's no Santa. 01:16:08.891 --> 01:16:11.325 I just thought maybe you'd want to give me a present 01:16:11.393 --> 01:16:13.088 'cause we're friends. 01:16:37.986 --> 01:16:39.248 There he is. 01:16:39.321 --> 01:16:43.121 That lousy, leather-faced, frog-eyed, motherfucker. 01:16:43.192 --> 01:16:45.490 - Good night, Gin. - Good night. 01:17:17.593 --> 01:17:19.618 Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. 01:17:19.695 --> 01:17:20.992 What is the problem now? 01:17:21.063 --> 01:17:22.758 I'm sorry. The van stalled. 01:17:23.966 --> 01:17:26.127 Will you give us a jump, please? 01:17:26.201 --> 01:17:28.101 I'll be dipped in dog shit. 01:17:28.170 --> 01:17:30.229 Do I look like an auto mechanic to you? 01:17:37.512 --> 01:17:39.480 I appreciate it. 01:17:42.084 --> 01:17:44.712 All right, small fry, help yourself. 01:17:49.324 --> 01:17:50.416 I can't reach it. 01:17:50.492 --> 01:17:52.153 Jesus Christ, give me that. 01:17:52.227 --> 01:17:53.421 Thanks. 01:17:55.831 --> 01:17:56.798 All right, hit it. 01:18:27.596 --> 01:18:30.622 Oh, my. What a terrible accident. 01:18:30.699 --> 01:18:31.825 Mm-mm-mmm. 01:18:31.900 --> 01:18:33.265 - Is he dead? - No. 01:18:33.335 --> 01:18:35.701 But it looks like you broke most of his ribs. 01:18:35.771 --> 01:18:40.401 I'd say maybe 50% of them, or do you think 30%? 01:18:40.475 --> 01:18:42.204 I needed more of a running start. 01:18:42.277 --> 01:18:44.541 I couldn't build up enough speed. 01:19:00.595 --> 01:19:02.825 Merry Christmas Eve. 01:19:03.699 --> 01:19:06.395 Got you a little something. 01:19:06.468 --> 01:19:08.333 You shouldn't have. 01:19:08.403 --> 01:19:10.701 You should put that stuff in the kitchen. 01:19:13.475 --> 01:19:15.773 God damn, you look good. 01:19:20.415 --> 01:19:23.111 Here you go. 01:19:24.519 --> 01:19:28.011 Little behind there, sweetie? 01:19:28.090 --> 01:19:30.388 We don't need any more of this shit. 01:19:30.459 --> 01:19:34.486 "Christmas keeps us connected to each other in peace. 01:19:34.563 --> 01:19:38.260 The angel is going to tell everyone in the world. " 01:19:42.838 --> 01:19:44.066 Aspirin? 01:21:11.126 --> 01:21:12.525 Shit! 01:21:12.594 --> 01:21:14.221 Jesus. 01:21:16.765 --> 01:21:17.823 Santa? 01:21:19.868 --> 01:21:22.564 - What? - I was gonna make sandwiches. 01:21:22.637 --> 01:21:25.265 I could make you one before you leave. 01:21:27.642 --> 01:21:29.576 Listen, kid, I don't know. 01:21:29.644 --> 01:21:32.738 I got shit to do and everything. 01:21:37.686 --> 01:21:39.813 Okay, make me some sandwiches. 01:21:39.888 --> 01:21:42.015 I gotta go to the mall and talk to somebody. 01:21:42.090 --> 01:21:43.148 I'll be back. 01:21:43.225 --> 01:21:44.021 For dinner? 01:21:44.092 --> 01:21:45.923 Yeah, that's what I said. Yeah. 01:21:45.994 --> 01:21:48.087 How many sandwiches do you want? 01:21:48.997 --> 01:21:51.192 Uh, a bunch. 01:21:51.266 --> 01:21:53.325 How much lettuce do you want? 01:21:55.971 --> 01:21:57.768 I don't know. The usual amount. 01:21:57.839 --> 01:21:59.932 Whatever the hell people do. Whatever you think. 01:22:00.008 --> 01:22:01.339 Okay. 01:22:19.728 --> 01:22:20.524 Have a very merry Christmas. 01:22:20.562 --> 01:22:22.291 - Merry Christmas. - Good night. 01:22:22.364 --> 01:22:23.695 Merry Christmas. 01:22:23.765 --> 01:22:24.891 Good night. 01:22:24.966 --> 01:22:26.558 - Good night. - Okay! Happy holiday! 01:22:26.635 --> 01:22:28.102 CHIPESKA: Attention, shoppers. 01:22:28.169 --> 01:22:30.501 The store will be closing in five minutes. 01:22:30.572 --> 01:22:32.301 We wish you all a merry Christmas, 01:22:32.374 --> 01:22:35.605 a happy Hanukkah, and a joyous Kwanzaa. 01:22:51.326 --> 01:22:54.261 All right, hold it steady. 01:22:57.866 --> 01:23:00.835 Oh, yeah, shit, let's do it. 01:23:01.836 --> 01:23:03.201 Oh, Christ. 01:23:08.343 --> 01:23:09.332 Merry Christmas. 01:23:10.879 --> 01:23:12.278 Good night. 01:23:13.548 --> 01:23:15.607 Merry Christmas, Willie. 01:23:15.684 --> 01:23:17.311 Up your ass. 01:23:44.145 --> 01:23:45.874 Aaaah! 01:23:48.850 --> 01:23:50.249 Whoa! 01:24:16.678 --> 01:24:18.111 Oh, shit. 01:24:19.381 --> 01:24:20.439 What? 01:24:24.552 --> 01:24:25.849 What? 01:24:25.920 --> 01:24:28.013 It's a Kitnerboy Redoubt. 01:24:28.089 --> 01:24:28.783 So? 01:24:28.857 --> 01:24:30.085 Remember Andy Pitz? 01:24:30.158 --> 01:24:31.455 Andy Pitzorella? Yeah. 01:24:31.526 --> 01:24:32.686 No, Andy Ripitski. 01:24:32.761 --> 01:24:34.626 Andy Pitzorella was Andy Blue Balls. 01:24:34.696 --> 01:24:36.926 Since he got married, they call him Andy Pitzorella. 01:24:36.998 --> 01:24:38.761 What's your fucking point?! 01:24:38.833 --> 01:24:40.528 They say he can get into anything. 01:24:40.602 --> 01:24:42.536 Anything. 01:24:42.604 --> 01:24:44.902 They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy. 01:24:44.973 --> 01:24:46.338 And that's a good thing? 01:24:46.408 --> 01:24:48.069 So what the fuck are you getting at? 01:24:48.143 --> 01:24:49.633 When I was in the joint with him, 01:24:49.711 --> 01:24:53.374 he told me that the Kitnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked. 01:24:53.448 --> 01:24:56.281 Are you shittin' me? 01:24:56.351 --> 01:24:58.842 Are you telling me that after I propped you up, 01:24:58.920 --> 01:25:01.616 held you together, smiled for all those kids, 01:25:01.690 --> 01:25:03.885 danced for all those fucking housewives 01:25:03.958 --> 01:25:07.189 in a fucking lime-green, fucking velvet elf costume, 01:25:07.262 --> 01:25:09.389 that you cannot get in this fucking safe?! 01:25:09.464 --> 01:25:12.160 Is that what you're telling me?! Huh?! 01:25:12.233 --> 01:25:15.999 No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute. 01:25:39.394 --> 01:25:40.986 Fuck. 01:25:51.306 --> 01:25:52.330 Shit. 01:25:52.407 --> 01:25:54.102 34C. 01:26:38.720 --> 01:26:39.880 Fuck! 01:27:12.921 --> 01:27:14.582 Piece of cake. 01:27:16.257 --> 01:27:18.987 I gotta get one more thing. I'll be right back. 01:27:42.217 --> 01:27:44.549 Oh, shit. Which one did he say? 01:28:03.171 --> 01:28:05.969 I'll bet the store dick don't want this. 01:28:06.040 --> 01:28:08.406 Store dick don't want shit. 01:28:10.912 --> 01:28:12.880 What do you mean? 01:28:12.947 --> 01:28:14.812 Store dick's dead. 01:28:14.883 --> 01:28:17.351 Store dick don't want shit. 01:28:18.686 --> 01:28:20.517 He's dead, huh? 01:28:22.957 --> 01:28:25.221 I didn't even know he was sick. 01:28:25.293 --> 01:28:26.817 Willie... 01:28:26.895 --> 01:28:29.363 this has been a long time coming. 01:28:29.430 --> 01:28:33.366 Every year, you're worse. Every year, less reliable. 01:28:33.434 --> 01:28:35.834 More booze. More bullshit. 01:28:35.904 --> 01:28:37.371 More buttfucking. 01:28:37.438 --> 01:28:40.771 Sure, the three B's. 01:28:40.842 --> 01:28:43.436 You gotta be able to rely, Willie. 01:28:46.114 --> 01:28:48.605 You people are monsters. 01:28:48.683 --> 01:28:51.015 There's no joy in this for me. 01:28:54.522 --> 01:28:56.717 I'm not talking about you taking me out. 01:28:56.791 --> 01:28:58.691 That part, I get. 01:29:02.330 --> 01:29:04.161 But look at all that shit. 01:29:06.534 --> 01:29:09.503 Do you really need all that shit? 01:29:11.172 --> 01:29:13.299 For Christ sakes, it's Christmas. 01:29:13.374 --> 01:29:15.035 It is Christmas, Willie. 01:29:15.109 --> 01:29:16.667 But this is what we do. 01:29:16.744 --> 01:29:18.974 We get the shit. 01:29:19.047 --> 01:29:22.175 Christmastime, we get the shit. 01:29:22.250 --> 01:29:25.413 Because we are men and Lois. 01:29:27.956 --> 01:29:29.583 It is Christmas, Willie. 01:29:29.657 --> 01:29:31.716 And we are men and Lois. 01:29:33.227 --> 01:29:35.058 What you waiting for, honey? 01:29:35.129 --> 01:29:38.098 Come on, plug him. 01:29:42.003 --> 01:29:43.903 Goodbye, Willie. 01:29:46.240 --> 01:29:47.764 - Drop the gun. - Huh?! 01:29:49.077 --> 01:29:51.102 And you, Santa, drop the elephant. 01:29:51.179 --> 01:29:53.079 - Where did you come from? - Tipped off. 01:29:53.147 --> 01:29:54.842 Shit, that fucking kid. 01:29:54.916 --> 01:29:57.714 All three of you are in so much shit, it's almost unbelievable. 01:29:59.153 --> 01:30:01.018 Marcus, hop on! 01:30:21.242 --> 01:30:23.335 Fuck me. 01:30:57.578 --> 01:30:58.738 Hey, hey! 01:31:19.934 --> 01:31:23.392 This is Christmas, and the kid's getting his fucking present. 01:31:47.295 --> 01:31:49.991 Halt, police! Put your hands up! 01:31:50.064 --> 01:31:52.658 I said freeze! Freeze! 01:31:59.240 --> 01:32:03.040 - Aaaah! - Aaaah! 01:32:46.320 --> 01:32:48.254 "Dear kid... 01:32:48.322 --> 01:32:50.051 I hope that you got my present 01:32:50.124 --> 01:32:52.422 and that there wasn't too much blood on it, 01:32:52.493 --> 01:32:54.893 although there was blood on the present you gave me, 01:32:54.962 --> 01:32:56.725 which didn't keep me from enjoying it. 01:32:56.797 --> 01:32:59.857 So maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess. " 01:33:02.103 --> 01:33:05.197 "Anyway, just in case they took it as evidence, 01:33:05.273 --> 01:33:07.605 I'm also sending you a T-shirt. 01:33:07.675 --> 01:33:10.166 I hope it's the right size. " 01:33:10.811 --> 01:33:12.210 "I'm healing up good, 01:33:12.280 --> 01:33:15.044 and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, 01:33:15.116 --> 01:33:16.981 even with 8 bullets dug out of me, 01:33:17.051 --> 01:33:19.076 because they didn't hit any vital organs, 01:33:19.153 --> 01:33:21.815 just my liver, which is fucked anyway. 01:33:21.889 --> 01:33:23.550 Ha ha ha. 01:33:23.624 --> 01:33:25.819 Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. 01:33:25.893 --> 01:33:28.657 I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did 01:33:28.729 --> 01:33:31.163 or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass. 01:33:31.232 --> 01:33:32.529 Now the cops know I wrote it, 01:33:32.600 --> 01:33:34.568 which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. 01:33:34.635 --> 01:33:36.125 That, plus everyone agreeing 01:33:36.204 --> 01:33:38.729 that the Phoenix police shooting an unarmed Santa 01:33:38.806 --> 01:33:41.366 was even more fucked up than Rodney King. " 01:33:42.376 --> 01:33:44.674 "The cops are treating me like fucking royalty now, 01:33:44.745 --> 01:33:46.303 which is new in my experience. 01:33:46.380 --> 01:33:48.371 They're gonna make me a sensitivity counselor 01:33:48.449 --> 01:33:49.814 so that tragedies like this 01:33:49.884 --> 01:33:52.751 will never again embarrass the whole fucking department. 01:33:52.820 --> 01:33:55.846 I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you, 01:33:55.923 --> 01:33:58.118 so they set it up with Mrs. Santa's sister 01:33:58.192 --> 01:33:59.682 watching you till your dad gets back 01:33:59.760 --> 01:34:01.193 in one year and three months. 01:34:01.262 --> 01:34:04.197 They made her a guardian pro tem or some such shit. 01:34:04.265 --> 01:34:07.496 Anyway, she seems to like you and your house and Jacuzzi. 01:34:07.568 --> 01:34:08.796 I sent her some money, 01:34:08.869 --> 01:34:10.268 so if you play your cards right, 01:34:10.338 --> 01:34:13.501 you can probably get her to buy you something. 01:34:13.574 --> 01:34:16.008 As for my little helper, I'm sorry to have to tell you 01:34:16.077 --> 01:34:18.272 that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife 01:34:18.346 --> 01:34:20.610 are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad. 01:34:20.681 --> 01:34:22.979 I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them 01:34:23.050 --> 01:34:24.278 like I did. 01:34:24.352 --> 01:34:27.116 They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon, 01:34:27.188 --> 01:34:29.281 so get some sandwiches ready. 01:34:29.357 --> 01:34:32.451 Until then, don't take no shit from nobody, 01:34:32.526 --> 01:34:34.118 least of all yourself. 01:34:34.195 --> 01:34:36.254 Ho ho ho. 01:34:36.330 --> 01:34:39.094 Your pal, Santa. " 01:34:42.069 --> 01:34:43.195 Hey, loser. 01:34:44.872 --> 01:34:48.239 I hear your buddy's not here to protect you anymore. 01:34:49.910 --> 01:34:52.140 See you got me a new bike. 01:34:52.213 --> 01:34:53.976 Thanks a lot. 01:34:54.649 --> 01:34:56.378 I'm talking to you, fat-ass! 01:34:56.450 --> 01:34:58.179 Aaah! 01:34:58.203 --> 01:35:18.203 Telegram Channel and Instagram Page .:: @bollbolljan_com ::.