WEBVTT
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..:: ارائه شده توسط وب سايت بلبل جان ::..
.:: www.bolboljan.net ::.
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I have decided to keep a journal.
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Not in a word program or digital file
but in longhand,
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writing every word out
so that every inflection of penmanship,
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every word chosen, scratched out,
revised, is recorded.
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To set down all my thoughts
and the simple events
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of my day factually
and without hiding anything.
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When writing about oneself,
one should show no mercy.
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I will keep this diary
for one year, 12 months
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and at the end of that time,
it will be destroyed.
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Shredded, then burnt.
The experiment will be over.
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Please rise.
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What is thy only comfort in life and death?
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That I, with body and soul
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both in life and death, am not my own
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but belong unto
my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.
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Who with his precious blood...
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These thoughts and recollections are
not so different from those I confide
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to God every morning.
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When it is possible.
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When he is listening.
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Bread of life. The cup of salvation.
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The bread of life. The cup of salvation.
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The bread of life. The cup of salvation.
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This journal is a form of speaking...
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of communication from one to the other.
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A communication which can be achieved simply
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and in repose without
prostration or abnegation.
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It is a form of prayer.
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Bread of life. The cup of salvation.
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There is a leak in the men's restroom.
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No, I fixed it.
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No. I was just there. It's still leaking.
Same place. Under the hot faucet.
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- What about the women's room?
- The women's is fine.
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Do you want me to call
the plumber from Abundant Life?
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No, let me have another crack at it.
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I hate always bugging them
for extra little costs.
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They don't mind.
That's what they're there for.
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- And you're totally within your budget.
- Still, I don't want to.
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Have you posted the sermon?
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Yes. I did it this morning.
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- Oh...
- Reverend?
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Yes, Mary, right?
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- Mary Mensana.
- Yeah, nice to see you again.
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I wanted to talk, if that's okay.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on in, Mary.
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- I'll be right back.
- Mary, how can I help you?
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I was wondering if you would talk
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- to my husband, Michael.
- Oh, sure. I...
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Actually, not now.
He has to... he has to go to work.
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He has to fill in at Home Depot.
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Mary?
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- What is it?
- I'm worried about him.
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He's involved in the Green Planet movement.
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- It's an activist group.
- Mm-hmm.
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And he was in jail in Canada.
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And he just got out two weeks ago.
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He just sits around at home.
He doesn't... he doesn't go out.
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I got him to fill out a temp form
for Home... for Home Depot.
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- Okay.
- So that's good.
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Are you sure you don't want
to go to Abundant Life?
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They have a whole team
of counselors over there,
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- who are trained and...
- I know, but he doesn't want to.
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He thinks it's more
of a company than a church.
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And so, he said he would talk to you.
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Uh, all right.
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Tomorrow?
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- After lunch?
- Great. Great.
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I'll just need the... I just need an address.
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And can you tell me a little more?
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Oh, he applied for compassionate release
when he found out.
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He was at Fort Providence.
They let him out early.
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- Wait, now, found out what?
- That I was pregnant.
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Oh. Hmm, congratulations.
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Thanks.
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He thinks it's wrong to bring
a child into this world.
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He wants to kill our baby.
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I assisted Sunday the youth group
at Abundant Life.
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The young people were
so excited, so full of life.
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They were open. They welcomed communion.
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Maybe I shouldn't care about
whether people like me.
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Did Jesus worry about being liked?
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I look at the last lines
I wrote with disdain.
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Twelve months.
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Can I keep up an exercise that long?
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When I read these words,
I see not truth, but pride.
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I wish I had not used the word pride.
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But I cannot cross it out.
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If only I could pray.
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Hi, Reverend.
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- Hi. Is Michael home?
- Yeah. Come on in.
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Okay. Yeah.
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- Hey. Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
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Um, would you like some coffee?
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- Yes, but, um...
- We're... I think we have some tea.
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Yes. That would be better.
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- Okay.
- Thanks.
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Let me take your coat?
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No, it's okay. I got it.
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Come on in.
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- Yeah, I don't know why Mary...
- There's no need to apologize.
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No, she told me
that you've been up in Canada.
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Yeah. Fort Providence.
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It's in the Mackenzie Delta.
It's way in the north.
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Yeah, beautiful country, I imagine.
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Yeah, it is.
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Mary said things have been getting you down?
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Uh, yeah, things.
Yeah, you could say that. Yeah.
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Oh! Thank you very much.
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- It's hot.
- Perfect.
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Thank you.
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- So Mary is pregnant.
- Hmm.
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- Yeah. How far along is she?
- Twenty weeks.
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- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
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Hey, how old are you, Reverend?
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I'm 46.
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Uh, 33.
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That's how old our child will be in 2050.
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Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
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You know, that's
two years older than I am right now.
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Mm-hmm.
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- You'll be 81.
- Yeah!
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Hey, you know what the world
will be like in 2050?
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- Hmm. Hard to imagine.
- Yeah, you think?
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I mean, Reverend,
the world is changing so fast.
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And right in front of us.
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I mean, one-third of the natural world
has been destroyed in your lifetime.
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You know, the earth's temperature
will be three degrees centigrade higher.
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Four is the threshold.
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You know, "Severe, widespread,
and irreversible impacts."
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And when scientists say
stuff like that, you know?
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And National Center
for Atmospheric Research...
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Lawrence Livermore,
Potsdam Institute. Reverend...
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He went on like that for some time.
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By 2050, sea levels two feet
higher on the East Coast.
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Low lying areas underwater across the world.
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Bangladesh, 20% loss of landmass.
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Central Africa, 50% reduction
in crops due to drought.
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The Western reservoirs dried up.
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Climate change. Refugees.
Epidemics. Extreme weather.
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You know, the...
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the bad times, they will begin,
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and from that point,
everything moves very quickly.
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You know, this social structure
can't bear the stress of multiple crises.
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Opportunistic diseases, anarchy,
martial law, the tipping point.
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And this isn't in some, like, distant future.
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You will live to see this.
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You know, my children
will experience this un-livability.
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This, uh...
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Yeah, I'm sorry. I just... you know, I...
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I thought things could change, you know?
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I thought... I thought people would listen.
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Do you have thoughts of harming yourself?
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No.
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Why? Did Mary say something like that?
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No, no.
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No, I'm not worried for myself.
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I just... this world is gonna be what it is.
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- But can I ask you a question, Reverend?
- Mm-hmm.
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How do you sanction
bringing in a little girl...
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Uh, for argument's sake,
let's just say that, uh...
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Mary and I's child, it's a little girl.
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You know, a child that's so full of hope...
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and naive beliefs into a world
where that little girl, uh...
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she grows up to be a young woman
and she looks you in the eyes
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and she says that you knew
this all along, didn't you?
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You see, that...
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I mean, what are you supposed to say then?
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There's something growing inside Mary.
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Something as alive as a tree, surely.
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As an endangered species.
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Something full of the beauty
and mystery of nature.
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You said sanction, hmm?
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You think Mary should have an abortion?
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This birth, is that your right?
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Is that your decision?
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Have you asked Mary what she thinks?
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Look, this isn't... it's not about your baby.
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It's not about Mary.
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It's about you...
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and your despair. Your lack of hope.
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Look, people have throughout history
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have woken up in the dead of the night
confronted by blackness.
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The sense that our lives are without meaning.
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The Sickness Unto Death.
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Yeah, but this is something different.
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Yeah, no, man's great achievements
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have brought him to the place
where life as we know it
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may cease in the foreseeable future.
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Yes, that's new.
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But the blackness?
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That's not.
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We're scientific people.
We want to solve things.
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We want rational answers.
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Right? And if humankind can't overcome
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its immediate interests enough to ensure
its own survival, then you're right.
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The only rational response is despair.
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But do you think that
there's any existence apart from this?
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This here, right now?
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- Yes.
- Yeah, right, before us.
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- After us.
- Yeah.
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- Yeah,
- Wait, so you're talking about
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the next lifetime? Huh?
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You really... you just, uh...
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I felt like I was Jacob wrestling
all night long with the angel.
00:16:28.835 --> 00:16:30.045
Fighting in the grasp.
00:16:31.296 --> 00:16:34.883
Every sentence, every question,
every response, a mortal struggle.
00:16:35.967 --> 00:16:37.260
It was exhilarating.
00:16:38.011 --> 00:16:39.804
You believe in martyrdom, Reverend?
00:16:39.888 --> 00:16:41.222
I'm not sure I know what you mean.
00:16:41.306 --> 00:16:42.724
You know, the Saints of God?
00:16:43.141 --> 00:16:46.018
The early Christians
who wouldn't renounce their faith?
00:16:46.518 --> 00:16:49.313
The missionaries who were attacked
in the fields of the Lord.
00:16:49.396 --> 00:16:51.273
Do you believe that they died for a purpose?
00:16:51.357 --> 00:16:53.067
- I do.
- Well, every week,
00:16:53.150 --> 00:16:56.653
activists are killed
trying to protect the environment.
00:16:58.530 --> 00:17:01.700
A hundred and seventeen were
killed last year for their beliefs.
00:17:04.036 --> 00:17:05.162
I mean, right there.
00:17:05.245 --> 00:17:08.207
This is José Cláudio Ribeiro da Silva.
00:17:09.291 --> 00:17:11.794
Huh? And that's his wife, Maria.
00:17:14.213 --> 00:17:19.801
Uh... they were... they were gunned down
in 2011 in the Amazon.
00:17:21.344 --> 00:17:24.880
You know, they were protesting
free cutting of the rain forest.
00:17:25.765 --> 00:17:29.852
Hey, this is Dorothy Stang, 2005.
00:17:29.936 --> 00:17:32.814
She was a nun from Ohio.
00:17:35.400 --> 00:17:37.610
And what was the purpose of their death?
00:17:45.201 --> 00:17:48.870
You know, in 2010, the IPCC predicted
00:17:48.954 --> 00:17:52.165
that if drastic action wasn't taken by 2015,
00:17:53.667 --> 00:17:55.836
environmental collapse would be irreversible.
00:17:57.045 --> 00:17:58.130
And nothing was done.
00:18:01.633 --> 00:18:03.385
And now it's 2017.
00:18:04.636 --> 00:18:07.389
You said you respected me.
What I've been through.
00:18:09.766 --> 00:18:14.604
- Yes.
- So you know my story, hmm?
00:18:15.188 --> 00:18:16.982
- Yeah, you were a chaplain.
- Uh-huh.
00:18:17.607 --> 00:18:21.444
My father taught at VMI.
I encouraged my son to enlist.
00:18:21.527 --> 00:18:22.945
It was the family tradition.
00:18:23.988 --> 00:18:28.325
Like his father, my father before me, hmm.
00:18:28.409 --> 00:18:29.910
A patriotic tradition.
00:18:33.664 --> 00:18:36.834
My wife... was very opposed.
00:18:37.877 --> 00:18:39.295
My son enlisted anyway.
00:18:39.795 --> 00:18:42.840
And six months later, he was dead in Iraq.
00:18:43.257 --> 00:18:49.555
Right? I talked my son into a war
that had no moral justification.
00:18:52.307 --> 00:18:53.975
My wife could no longer live with me.
00:18:55.018 --> 00:18:56.102
I left the military.
00:18:57.896 --> 00:18:58.813
I was lost.
00:19:01.691 --> 00:19:04.027
And Reverend Jeffers from Abundant Life,
00:19:04.110 --> 00:19:08.031
he gave me this position
at First Reformed and here I am.
00:19:08.114 --> 00:19:10.533
And Michael, I can promise you...
00:19:11.951 --> 00:19:16.956
that whatever despair you feel
about bringing a child into this world
00:19:17.540 --> 00:19:21.836
cannot equal the despair
of taking a child from it.
00:19:34.223 --> 00:19:36.058
Hey, what was his name?
00:19:37.267 --> 00:19:38.185
Your son?
00:19:40.729 --> 00:19:41.647
Joseph.
00:19:43.690 --> 00:19:44.650
The boy thrown down the well.
00:19:44.733 --> 00:19:46.652
- Yeah, I remember.
- Mm-hmm.
00:19:46.735 --> 00:19:49.363
- The dreamer.
- The dreamer, yeah. Yeah.
00:19:54.326 --> 00:19:55.993
And you were able to just go on?
00:19:57.161 --> 00:20:00.998
Courage... is the solution to despair.
00:20:01.332 --> 00:20:05.044
Reason... provides no answers.
00:20:07.171 --> 00:20:09.090
I can't know what the future will bring.
00:20:09.173 --> 00:20:11.926
We have to choose despite uncertainty.
00:20:13.177 --> 00:20:19.892
Wisdom is holding two contradictory truths
in our mind, simultaneously.
00:20:21.060 --> 00:20:22.895
Hope and despair.
00:20:22.979 --> 00:20:25.189
A life without despair
is a life without hope.
00:20:25.273 --> 00:20:28.942
Holding these two ideas
in our head is life itself.
00:20:44.416 --> 00:20:45.750
Are you a drinking man, Reverend?
00:20:47.002 --> 00:20:49.963
- It doesn't help.
- No, I suppose not.
00:20:57.887 --> 00:20:59.055
Can God forgive us?
00:21:04.018 --> 00:21:05.769
For what we've done to this world?
00:21:08.230 --> 00:21:09.231
I don't know.
00:21:11.942 --> 00:21:13.402
Who can know the mind of God?
00:21:15.904 --> 00:21:16.864
But we can choose...
00:21:19.700 --> 00:21:20.743
a righteous life.
00:21:22.077 --> 00:21:23.078
Belief.
00:21:24.163 --> 00:21:25.331
Forgiveness.
00:21:27.499 --> 00:21:29.877
Grace covers us all.
00:21:32.754 --> 00:21:33.838
I believe that.
00:21:42.805 --> 00:21:44.515
Let's meet again.
00:21:44.974 --> 00:21:45.892
Want to?
00:21:46.559 --> 00:21:48.436
Tomorrow after lunch, same time.
00:21:49.437 --> 00:21:51.356
Okay, yeah. It's a... it's a plan.
00:21:55.318 --> 00:21:58.446
I went over everything that was said,
what should have been said,
00:21:58.529 --> 00:22:00.323
what could have been said differently,
00:22:00.406 --> 00:22:01.783
what could have been said better.
00:22:03.784 --> 00:22:07.329
"I know that nothing can change
and I know there is no hope."
00:22:08.914 --> 00:22:10.207
Thomas Merton wrote this.
00:22:13.460 --> 00:22:16.338
"Despair is a development of pride so great
00:22:16.421 --> 00:22:18.465
that it chooses one's certitude
00:22:18.548 --> 00:22:22.010
rather than admit God
is more creative than we are."
00:22:23.553 --> 00:22:25.472
Perhaps it's better I didn't say that to him.
00:23:04.176 --> 00:23:05.970
Who am I to talk about pride?
00:23:26.156 --> 00:23:30.577
Well, to begin, the church
was constructed in 1767
00:23:30.660 --> 00:23:32.537
in a style we now call Dutch colonial.
00:23:33.079 --> 00:23:36.750
It was made by settlers... follow me...
using local timber.
00:23:37.250 --> 00:23:39.793
First Reformed took seven years to build.
00:23:40.627 --> 00:23:41.545
The Vei Plancks.
00:23:42.129 --> 00:23:44.923
Effie here, her tombstone dates back to 1787.
00:23:45.424 --> 00:23:49.595
The church was partially rebuilt
in 1837 following a fire.
00:23:50.304 --> 00:23:52.848
This section remains preserved.
00:23:53.474 --> 00:23:57.186
If you look closely behind
the Continental Army flag,
00:23:57.269 --> 00:23:59.438
you'll find two bullet holes
00:23:59.521 --> 00:24:03.025
from shots fired during
the Skirmish of Snowbridge.
00:24:04.193 --> 00:24:07.821
In two months we're celebrating
our 250th anniversary.
00:24:08.739 --> 00:24:11.365
Here is an example of some
of the church's chinaware
00:24:11.449 --> 00:24:12.867
brought over from the Netherlands.
00:24:13.159 --> 00:24:15.453
And the first chalice. It's beautiful.
00:24:15.828 --> 00:24:19.248
And here, this is the original key
from the front door before the fire.
00:24:19.332 --> 00:24:20.666
Isn't that neat? Yeah.
00:24:20.750 --> 00:24:24.295
And in that cabinet we have
souvenirs that are for sale.
00:24:24.378 --> 00:24:29.300
We have mugs, caps, postcards,
key chains, pens, t-shirts.
00:24:29.383 --> 00:24:30.343
What size are these?
00:24:30.426 --> 00:24:31.844
Unfortunately, they are all small.
00:24:31.928 --> 00:24:34.597
I have some more on order,
but I'm waiting for them to come in.
00:24:34.680 --> 00:24:35.890
The caps are great, though.
00:24:37.099 --> 00:24:38.392
It's a one-size-fits-all.
00:24:40.478 --> 00:24:44.940
The pulpit was donated in 1879
by William Mercer.
00:24:45.023 --> 00:24:47.234
And the church organ,
00:24:47.317 --> 00:24:50.028
which unfortunately
isn't working at this time,
00:24:51.404 --> 00:24:53.990
was manufactured in England by A.G. Hill.
00:24:55.325 --> 00:24:57.828
Did you hear the one about
the choir mistress and the minister?
00:24:59.579 --> 00:25:00.997
- No.
- She chased him
00:25:01.081 --> 00:25:02.916
around the church
and caught him by the organ.
00:25:05.043 --> 00:25:08.922
Huh. Oh, no, I hadn't heard that one.
00:25:09.381 --> 00:25:10.757
All right, come on. Follow me.
00:25:12.050 --> 00:25:14.093
All right, thank you all very much.
00:25:14.927 --> 00:25:16.011
- Be well.
- Thank you.
00:25:16.095 --> 00:25:18.054
Yeah, thanks a lot.
00:25:21.475 --> 00:25:22.601
Drive safe.
00:25:25.771 --> 00:25:26.689
Thanks.
00:25:33.254 --> 00:25:35.781
# Are you washed #
00:25:35.865 --> 00:25:38.409
# In the blood? #
00:25:38.492 --> 00:25:43.414
# In the soul-cleansing blood
Of the lamb? #
00:25:43.497 --> 00:25:45.957
# Are your garments spotless? #
00:25:46.040 --> 00:25:48.751
# Are they white as snow? #
00:25:48.835 --> 00:25:53.423
# Are you washed
In the blood of the lamb? #
00:25:54.090 --> 00:25:59.095
# Are you walking daily
By the Savior's side? #
00:25:59.178 --> 00:26:03.725
# Are you washed
In the blood of the lamb? #
00:26:04.225 --> 00:26:09.397
# Do you rest each moment
In the crucified? #
00:26:09.480 --> 00:26:13.568
# Are you washed
In the blood of the lamb? #
00:26:14.485 --> 00:26:16.779
# Are you washed #
00:26:16.863 --> 00:26:19.573
# In the blood? #
00:26:19.656 --> 00:26:24.661
# In the soul-cleansing blood
Of the lamb? #
00:26:24.745 --> 00:26:27.205
# Are your garments spotless? #
00:26:27.289 --> 00:26:29.958
# Are they white as snow? #
00:26:30.042 --> 00:26:34.713
# Are you washed
In the blood of the lamb? #
00:26:35.213 --> 00:26:37.883
# Are your garments spotless? #
00:26:37.966 --> 00:26:40.761
# Are they white as snow? #
00:26:40.844 --> 00:26:45.349
# Are you washed
In the blood of the lamb? #
00:26:45.933 --> 00:26:48.602
# Are your garments spotless? #
00:26:48.685 --> 00:26:51.562
# Are they white as snow? #
00:26:51.938 --> 00:26:58.945
# Are you washed
In the blood of the lamb? #
00:27:00.196 --> 00:27:01.489
Okay, take five.
00:27:06.077 --> 00:27:10.247
- Penny for your thoughts?
- Oh, Joel wanted to talk to me.
00:27:10.873 --> 00:27:13.209
- Nothing serious, I hope.
- Oh, I assume not.
00:27:14.585 --> 00:27:15.795
You want to have lunch?
00:27:16.671 --> 00:27:20.383
Well, I have something after but yeah,
I could sit with you for a second.
00:27:23.927 --> 00:27:25.178
Oh, remember that?
00:27:25.679 --> 00:27:26.596
What?
00:27:27.430 --> 00:27:29.182
When everything was ahead of you.
00:27:30.600 --> 00:27:33.770
Yeah. But try telling them that.
00:27:34.646 --> 00:27:35.647
See you then.
00:27:57.084 --> 00:27:58.002
Hello.
00:27:58.627 --> 00:27:59.545
- Reverend Toller.
- Yes.
00:27:59.628 --> 00:28:00.546
- Oh, go right in.
- Okay.
00:28:00.629 --> 00:28:01.797
He's expecting you.
00:28:09.304 --> 00:28:12.391
Um, this is... that's my wife's stuff, so.
00:28:13.559 --> 00:28:15.328
Go ahead and deal with it.
00:28:16.603 --> 00:28:19.648
Oh, good! Reverend Toller. Come on in.
00:28:20.858 --> 00:28:23.610
Roger, make sure you get back to me
as soon as you can on that.
00:28:23.694 --> 00:28:24.902
- Hey, Reverend.
- Good seeing you.
00:28:24.986 --> 00:28:26.195
Why don't you have a seat there?
00:28:27.655 --> 00:28:29.615
Roger, okay to leave that door open.
00:28:29.699 --> 00:28:32.618
- Can I get you a water or anything?
- Oh, no, I'm good, I'm good.
00:28:33.286 --> 00:28:36.497
- So how are things over at First Reformed?
- Oh, busy. You know how it is.
00:28:36.581 --> 00:28:39.959
You do one thing to the other,
next thing you know it's Sunday again.
00:28:40.209 --> 00:28:41.961
Yeah, tell me about it.
00:28:42.045 --> 00:28:45.923
Well, I brought you in, I wanted to ask you
about the 250th reconsecration.
00:28:46.007 --> 00:28:47.884
Now, that's just around the corner.
00:28:47.967 --> 00:28:50.428
Yeah, of course. It's only eight weeks away.
00:28:50.511 --> 00:28:52.138
And how's the planning going on that?
00:28:52.722 --> 00:28:55.058
Well, your office is handling the invitations
00:28:55.141 --> 00:28:56.641
and I'm a little worried about seating.
00:28:56.725 --> 00:28:59.519
I mean, because we have your staff,
we have the elders, we have the deacons.
00:28:59.603 --> 00:29:02.814
We have the governor, his people.
The mayor, his people.
00:29:02.898 --> 00:29:04.274
We don't have any room for spillover.
00:29:04.357 --> 00:29:05.984
You know, it's the sanctuary and that's it.
00:29:06.485 --> 00:29:10.155
You know what, I think we'll simulcast
the ceremony here, in the main room.
00:29:10.238 --> 00:29:11.615
- All right.
- So that's 5,000 seats.
00:29:11.698 --> 00:29:12.866
Yeah, okay. Well, then...
00:29:12.949 --> 00:29:14.993
We can do the reception in the rotunda.
00:29:15.619 --> 00:29:18.163
The organ at First Reformed.
00:29:18.246 --> 00:29:19.915
- Is that fixed?
- Yeah, no, it's not.
00:29:20.874 --> 00:29:23.543
We're waiting on some pieces.
00:29:23.627 --> 00:29:26.797
I don't... it was... it's just more
complicated than we thought at first.
00:29:26.880 --> 00:29:30.007
Well, we can't have a reconsecration
without an organ.
00:29:31.801 --> 00:29:33.886
"A Mighty Fortress is our God."
00:29:33.969 --> 00:29:35.763
That's all organ.
00:29:35.846 --> 00:29:39.308
Did you know that
Martin Luther wrote that in an outhouse?
00:29:39.391 --> 00:29:40.434
Oh, yeah.
00:29:40.518 --> 00:29:45.439
"A Mighty Fortress"...
00:29:47.066 --> 00:29:48.859
I think every seminarian knows that one.
00:29:48.943 --> 00:29:51.821
Oh, man, I cannot get
that image out of my mind.
00:29:51.904 --> 00:29:56.158
I mean, whenever I see that song going on,
and I can look around the congregation
00:29:56.242 --> 00:29:58.786
and know everybody's thinking the same thing.
00:29:58.869 --> 00:30:03.248
This man, oh, goodness. Oh, makes me laugh.
00:30:03.331 --> 00:30:06.126
Anyway, have you prepared your remarks?
00:30:06.209 --> 00:30:09.504
Oh, no. Not yet, but I will.
00:30:10.839 --> 00:30:12.924
- So how are you?
- Oh, I'm fine.
00:30:13.883 --> 00:30:14.801
No, really.
00:30:15.677 --> 00:30:18.138
I mean, it's been awhile since we've talked.
00:30:18.221 --> 00:30:20.306
And you know, even a pastor needs a pastor.
00:30:21.432 --> 00:30:22.433
We should do it, okay?
00:30:23.101 --> 00:30:24.185
I'd like that.
00:30:24.269 --> 00:30:26.271
Good. And come by here more often.
00:30:26.604 --> 00:30:29.607
You should get out.
Come on by and be a part of things.
00:30:29.691 --> 00:30:31.775
So many activities you can do, and...
00:30:31.859 --> 00:30:33.402
- And the kids like you a lot.
- Mmm.
00:30:33.485 --> 00:30:34.778
They always speak highly of you.
00:30:34.862 --> 00:30:37.156
So you can get out of that...
what is the play?
00:30:37.239 --> 00:30:38.866
What do they like to call it
over where you are?
00:30:38.949 --> 00:30:43.203
- The museum.
- The souvenir shop.
00:30:43.829 --> 00:30:45.122
They call it the souvenir shop.
00:30:45.205 --> 00:30:47.583
Well, good. Well, good.
You're doing a great job.
00:30:49.001 --> 00:30:50.669
I'm grateful for the opportunity.
00:31:21.365 --> 00:31:22.909
How was Jeffers?
00:31:22.992 --> 00:31:25.536
Oh, he wants me to meet Ed Balq.
00:31:26.078 --> 00:31:29.498
Balq Industries, Balq Energy,
Balq Paper, Balq Peanuts...
00:31:29.582 --> 00:31:30.499
Why?
00:31:31.125 --> 00:31:34.670
Well, it's all about the reconsecration.
00:31:34.754 --> 00:31:37.297
And apparently Mr. Balq wants
to make sure he gets
00:31:37.881 --> 00:31:40.008
proper credit for underwriting
the whole thing.
00:31:40.091 --> 00:31:41.092
Well, he should.
00:31:41.176 --> 00:31:43.511
First Reformed would be a parking lot
if it wasn't for him.
00:31:43.595 --> 00:31:44.512
I guess.
00:31:46.264 --> 00:31:47.515
Did you see the doctor?
00:31:49.351 --> 00:31:50.894
Yes, I made an appointment.
00:31:50.977 --> 00:31:53.480
There was a bit of a hang up
with the insurance company, but...
00:31:54.314 --> 00:31:55.690
God, they make it so difficult.
00:31:57.025 --> 00:31:59.986
- Yeah, well, that's what they do.
- Mm-hmm.
00:32:01.154 --> 00:32:02.906
You need someone to take care of you.
00:32:06.284 --> 00:32:10.287
Esther, we tried that. I'm not made for that.
00:32:10.971 --> 00:32:14.208
For what? Love?
You're not made for love?
00:32:16.168 --> 00:32:17.419
My marriage was a failure.
00:32:19.296 --> 00:32:21.882
No marriage can survive the loss of a child.
00:32:28.264 --> 00:32:29.181
It's not right.
00:32:33.769 --> 00:32:34.812
Is that what you think?
00:32:35.771 --> 00:32:37.356
That what we did together was a sin?
00:32:37.439 --> 00:32:40.942
- That we transgressed?
- No, that's not what I think.
00:32:41.901 --> 00:32:45.113
I've seen enough real sin
to know the difference. It's just...
00:32:46.990 --> 00:32:47.907
Okay?
00:32:48.324 --> 00:32:49.242
Okay.
00:32:50.159 --> 00:32:51.327
I understand, I...
00:32:52.662 --> 00:32:54.497
I care about you. I want you to be happy.
00:32:57.458 --> 00:32:58.584
Well, I am happy.
00:33:05.735 --> 00:33:07.862
Some are called for their gregariousness.
00:33:08.822 --> 00:33:10.489
Some are called for their suffering.
00:33:12.282 --> 00:33:14.284
Others are called for their loneliness.
00:33:15.661 --> 00:33:16.703
They are called by God
00:33:16.787 --> 00:33:18.664
because through the vessel of communication,
00:33:18.747 --> 00:33:19.873
they can reach out
00:33:19.957 --> 00:33:21.959
and hold beating hearts in their hands.
00:33:24.294 --> 00:33:26.713
They are called because
of their all-consuming knowledge
00:33:26.797 --> 00:33:28.757
of the emptiness of all things
00:33:29.258 --> 00:33:32.427
that can only be filled
by the presence of our Savior.
00:33:38.308 --> 00:33:40.060
- Yes?
- Reverend Toller?
00:33:40.144 --> 00:33:41.145
- Oh!
- It's me.
00:33:41.228 --> 00:33:42.146
Yes, Mary?
00:33:43.187 --> 00:33:45.523
I got your message about rescheduling.
00:33:45.606 --> 00:33:47.984
You must come over. Now.
00:33:49.193 --> 00:33:51.696
- Is Michael there?
- No, he's at work.
00:33:51.779 --> 00:33:55.283
- You must come over now.
- Okay. Okay.
00:34:20.360 --> 00:34:21.278
Thanks for coming.
00:34:25.448 --> 00:34:26.449
Follow me.
00:34:44.384 --> 00:34:48.262
I was looking for some batteries
'cause we were out.
00:34:48.345 --> 00:34:50.973
And I thought maybe
there'd be some in here, you know?
00:34:51.056 --> 00:34:54.143
And then something just didn't seem right.
00:34:56.270 --> 00:34:58.147
Okay, I put everything back
the way I found it,
00:34:58.230 --> 00:35:01.984
'cause I wanted you to see how it was.
00:35:18.585 --> 00:35:19.753
Explosives?
00:35:21.171 --> 00:35:22.505
It's a suicide vest.
00:35:23.757 --> 00:35:25.091
And there's other elements in there, too.
00:35:25.175 --> 00:35:30.055
There's batteries and detonators
and tubes of jelly.
00:35:32.807 --> 00:35:35.769
You know, he'd been working
in the garage lately,
00:35:35.852 --> 00:35:38.938
and he said he was fixing a motor.
00:35:39.814 --> 00:35:41.232
And I didn't question him.
00:35:41.316 --> 00:35:42.609
'Cause I was just happy
00:35:42.692 --> 00:35:44.903
that he was doing something
that made him happy.
00:35:45.320 --> 00:35:46.988
But you had no idea
that he was thinking of...
00:35:47.072 --> 00:35:50.199
No, no suspicions. Nothing like this.
00:35:50.282 --> 00:35:52.868
All right, well,
I'm gonna take this, all right?
00:35:52.951 --> 00:35:54.495
This cannot remain here.
00:35:54.578 --> 00:35:58.457
I'm gonna take it and dispose of it. And...
00:35:58.540 --> 00:36:00.209
You're not gonna go to the police?
00:36:00.793 --> 00:36:02.461
No, I won't... do you... do you want me to?
00:36:02.544 --> 00:36:05.422
- No! No, no, no.
- I don't think it'd help.
00:36:05.506 --> 00:36:07.299
I don't think anything good
00:36:07.383 --> 00:36:09.093
will come from him feeling threatened.
00:36:09.593 --> 00:36:12.638
I'm gonna come over tomorrow. Tomorrow.
00:36:13.681 --> 00:36:17.226
Somehow, through conversation,
I will address this.
00:36:19.478 --> 00:36:20.688
I'm so frightened.
00:36:20.771 --> 00:36:22.730
You don't mean
that he... you're afraid of him?
00:36:22.814 --> 00:36:24.273
- That he's gonna hurt you, right?
- No.
00:36:24.357 --> 00:36:26.234
- No, no, no. I'm afraid for him.
- No? Okay, all right.
00:36:26.317 --> 00:36:27.485
You know, are there other activists,
00:36:27.568 --> 00:36:29.821
- like, coming around, calling?
- No. There's nobody.
00:36:29.904 --> 00:36:32.824
He has no friends.
He's barely even sociable, so.
00:36:33.491 --> 00:36:34.575
All right, but he has you.
00:36:36.035 --> 00:36:36.994
- Yeah.
- You'll stand by him?
00:36:37.537 --> 00:36:40.123
- Yeah, absolutely.
- All right. Well, so will I.
00:36:54.720 --> 00:36:57.514
Discernment intersects
with Christian life at every moment.
00:37:00.350 --> 00:37:01.268
Discernment.
00:37:04.396 --> 00:37:07.858
Listening and waiting for God's wish
what action must be taken.
00:37:23.707 --> 00:37:26.083
My petty ailments have made me bad-tempered.
00:37:27.334 --> 00:37:30.504
I fight the urge not to write down
the thoughts which come to my mind.
00:37:35.342 --> 00:37:38.228
The desire to pray itself
is a type of prayer.
00:37:39.388 --> 00:37:43.768
How often we ask for genuine experience
when all we really want is emotion.
00:37:48.814 --> 00:37:51.150
My hands shake as I write these lines.
00:38:11.753 --> 00:38:13.588
I wasn't expecting you
for another couple of weeks.
00:38:14.752 --> 00:38:16.295
We got a message from the boss.
00:38:16.378 --> 00:38:18.005
He said it was a top priority.
00:38:18.088 --> 00:38:19.673
You're having some kind of big event here?
00:38:20.174 --> 00:38:23.511
Yeah, the church is having
its 250th anniversary.
00:38:23.594 --> 00:38:26.597
Abundant Life is planning quite the ceremony.
00:38:33.394 --> 00:38:35.063
Hmm. "A Mighty Fortress."
00:40:31.287 --> 00:40:32.705
Jesus.
00:40:36.166 --> 00:40:37.483
My God.
00:41:01.608 --> 00:41:02.692
Yeah, see that?
00:41:03.610 --> 00:41:05.070
I mean, he had been fighting with depression.
00:41:05.153 --> 00:41:06.654
That's why I was supposed to meet him.
00:41:07.571 --> 00:41:09.365
I never imagined anything like this.
00:41:10.449 --> 00:41:12.368
Were you in touch with the immediate family?
00:41:12.451 --> 00:41:14.078
Well, his wife, Mary.
00:41:14.161 --> 00:41:16.413
She's the one who first
asked me to meet with him.
00:41:17.122 --> 00:41:18.457
Did she know about your text?
00:41:18.999 --> 00:41:21.752
No, but she was concerned. We both were.
00:41:22.378 --> 00:41:25.214
Hmm. Have you notified her?
00:41:27.257 --> 00:41:30.177
- No.
- I guess that's where I'm headed.
00:41:30.719 --> 00:41:32.054
All right. Okay.
00:41:32.471 --> 00:41:34.598
All right, do you mind
if I follow behind you?
00:41:34.890 --> 00:41:37.976
- All right.
- I knew his father.
00:41:38.852 --> 00:41:42.063
- Really? What's he like?
- A businessman.
00:41:42.772 --> 00:41:46.317
Morbid son of a bitch.
I guess it runs in the blood.
00:41:56.994 --> 00:41:58.162
Thank you, Reverend.
00:42:00.915 --> 00:42:03.334
Mrs. Mensana, hey again,
I'm sorry for your loss.
00:42:03.418 --> 00:42:05.253
If there's anything else that
we can do, please let us know.
00:42:05.336 --> 00:42:06.963
- Thanks.
- Thank you, Reverend.
00:42:07.046 --> 00:42:07.964
Thank you.
00:42:22.769 --> 00:42:24.187
You didn't tell the police, right?
00:42:25.730 --> 00:42:26.648
About?
00:42:27.399 --> 00:42:28.316
No.
00:42:29.526 --> 00:42:30.444
No.
00:42:32.112 --> 00:42:35.282
If you find anything else...
00:42:36.950 --> 00:42:39.953
like that, get rid of it.
00:42:41.163 --> 00:42:43.414
As long as it's safe, I mean.
Burn it, bury it.
00:42:44.832 --> 00:42:47.293
Michael was troubled but his cause was just.
00:42:47.376 --> 00:42:50.004
There's no reason to bring
disrepute on that cause.
00:42:52.238 --> 00:42:54.091
Are you an activist as well?
00:42:55.968 --> 00:42:57.595
I share Michael's beliefs.
00:43:00.222 --> 00:43:03.225
But not his despair. I mean, I wanna live.
00:43:03.309 --> 00:43:04.351
- I wanna be a mother.
- Right.
00:43:04.435 --> 00:43:06.520
I wanna have this child.
00:43:07.897 --> 00:43:09.565
Do you have family nearby?
00:43:09.648 --> 00:43:11.901
My... yeah, my sister. She's in Buffalo.
00:43:11.984 --> 00:43:13.944
- You might want to call her.
- I will.
00:43:24.162 --> 00:43:26.706
So he went into the garage?
00:43:29.501 --> 00:43:30.418
Yeah.
00:43:33.046 --> 00:43:33.963
What did he say?
00:43:35.798 --> 00:43:36.716
Nothing.
00:43:47.726 --> 00:43:49.269
Well, from a police point of view,
00:43:49.353 --> 00:43:53.607
I imagine this is
a pretty cut-and-dried case.
00:43:53.690 --> 00:43:58.779
Still, I'd probably clean up the office,
maybe get rid of his laptop.
00:44:04.701 --> 00:44:05.619
You...
00:44:31.227 --> 00:44:32.228
Open it.
00:45:05.468 --> 00:45:06.678
I'd sensed it.
00:45:08.013 --> 00:45:08.930
What?
00:45:10.932 --> 00:45:11.975
He was absent.
00:45:15.228 --> 00:45:17.272
He was becoming someone I didn't know.
00:45:21.151 --> 00:45:22.776
Like, before I was pregnant even.
00:45:25.529 --> 00:45:28.198
And he was just so full of anger, you know?
00:45:33.787 --> 00:45:35.664
Yeah, I should probably call my parents.
00:45:36.498 --> 00:45:37.416
My sister.
00:45:40.336 --> 00:45:42.713
They should... they should know.
00:45:45.424 --> 00:45:47.217
I stayed while she called her sister.
00:45:47.968 --> 00:45:49.720
Her sister was going to drive down
00:45:50.846 --> 00:45:52.973
and her parents would come
for the final rights.
00:45:58.311 --> 00:45:59.479
Hey, Bill. Chicken or beef?
00:46:00.063 --> 00:46:01.397
- Beef.
- Beef. Okay, great.
00:46:02.023 --> 00:46:02.940
How've you been?
00:46:03.316 --> 00:46:05.318
- I'm all right. Yeah.
- You okay?
00:46:08.112 --> 00:46:10.448
- Is that enough for you?
- Thanks a lot, Reverend.
00:46:11.824 --> 00:46:13.242
Did you want the chicken or the beef?
00:46:13.534 --> 00:46:16.120
- Uh, the beef, thank you.
- Beef? Yeah.
00:46:17.664 --> 00:46:20.291
There you are. Careful, it's hot.
00:46:21.626 --> 00:46:23.419
Reverend, I wanted to ask you...
00:46:23.503 --> 00:46:25.046
Oh, sh...
00:46:25.254 --> 00:46:27.881
Damn, I'm sorry, Joseph! I'm so sorry.
00:46:28.799 --> 00:46:29.716
Terrible night.
00:46:30.926 --> 00:46:34.012
No sooner than I shut my eyes,
desolation came upon me.
00:46:36.056 --> 00:46:38.475
What is one's last thought
as you pull the trigger?
00:46:40.519 --> 00:46:41.687
"There goes my head."
00:46:42.479 --> 00:46:45.023
Or, "Jesus, watch over me."
00:46:45.565 --> 00:46:46.483
Or neither?
00:46:48.193 --> 00:46:49.778
I'm going to tear these pages out.
00:46:50.862 --> 00:46:52.447
This journal brings me no peace.
00:46:53.407 --> 00:46:55.492
It's self-pity. Nothing more.
00:47:32.986 --> 00:47:34.904
I awoke at 3:00 with a cry.
00:47:36.072 --> 00:47:39.409
It's been five months
since I sensed the first warning signs.
00:47:43.872 --> 00:47:46.624
I went into the church
and fell asleep on a bench.
00:47:53.381 --> 00:47:55.425
How easily they talk about prayer,
00:47:56.134 --> 00:47:57.761
those who have never really prayed.
00:48:04.391 --> 00:48:05.476
Excuse me?
00:48:08.061 --> 00:48:09.271
Oh, my goodness!
00:48:11.231 --> 00:48:15.869
Well, since I made my commitment,
I have felt the Lord moving in my life.
00:48:16.252 --> 00:48:19.673
If happiness came in pill size,
it would have JC stamped on it.
00:48:21.617 --> 00:48:22.993
Continuous release size.
00:48:24.203 --> 00:48:26.997
I wake up feeling better.
00:48:27.080 --> 00:48:31.877
My relationships are better
and I got a raise last week.
00:48:32.585 --> 00:48:35.254
I find myself in prayer
without even thinking about it.
00:48:37.548 --> 00:48:40.510
Thank you, Jason. That is very inspiring.
00:48:41.385 --> 00:48:45.223
Praise Jesus. My every breath is a prayer.
00:48:46.224 --> 00:48:49.852
Thoughts? Reactions? Yes? Cynthia.
00:48:50.853 --> 00:48:52.897
Three months ago, my father got laid off.
00:48:54.273 --> 00:48:55.399
He can't find any work.
00:48:55.900 --> 00:48:58.069
Nobody loves the Lord more than my father.
00:48:58.152 --> 00:49:00.905
He is always testifying, he volunteers.
00:49:02.073 --> 00:49:03.241
Did he do something wrong?
00:49:07.234 --> 00:49:10.372
You all know Reverend Toller
from First Reformed.
00:49:11.456 --> 00:49:13.542
- Hello.
- Hey, yeah. Hi. Yeah.
00:49:14.459 --> 00:49:17.337
How do you answer this, Reverend?
00:49:18.338 --> 00:49:21.216
Well, Cynthia, I'm sorry
that happened to your father.
00:49:21.716 --> 00:49:26.304
There's a lot of church people,
good Christians, who see a connection
00:49:26.388 --> 00:49:29.391
between godliness and prosperity.
00:49:30.225 --> 00:49:31.935
But that's not what Jesus teaches.
00:49:32.519 --> 00:49:33.687
That's not what Jesus lived.
00:49:33.770 --> 00:49:35.605
There's no dollar sign on His pulpit.
00:49:36.188 --> 00:49:37.815
There's no American flag either.
00:49:38.732 --> 00:49:42.236
I think, Cynthia, what your father
is experiencing is...
00:49:42.319 --> 00:49:43.863
Christians shouldn't succeed.
00:49:44.655 --> 00:49:47.408
That's what he means.
Christianity is for losers?
00:49:47.867 --> 00:49:49.368
Jake, Jake!
00:49:49.451 --> 00:49:51.287
I just get tired of turn the other cheek.
00:49:51.787 --> 00:49:53.330
Jesus didn't turn the other cheek.
00:49:53.831 --> 00:49:54.832
Why stand for anything?
00:49:55.541 --> 00:49:56.876
Take prayer out of the schools.
00:49:57.418 --> 00:49:59.879
Give money to people too lazy to work for it.
00:49:59.962 --> 00:50:01.630
And whatever you do,
don't offend the Muslims.
00:50:03.090 --> 00:50:04.758
I mean, no sooner do I mention the poor,
00:50:04.842 --> 00:50:06.886
and this teenager jumps down my throat
00:50:06.969 --> 00:50:09.387
like I just took a shit on the American flag.
00:50:09.470 --> 00:50:12.891
Forgive my language. Oh, God!
00:50:12.974 --> 00:50:13.892
I know. Roger told me.
00:50:13.975 --> 00:50:16.769
He was great. He was terrific.
He's a good man.
00:50:16.853 --> 00:50:18.146
Well, he said you kept your cool
00:50:18.229 --> 00:50:19.272
and he admired you for that.
00:50:19.814 --> 00:50:21.482
There's just no middle ground
with these kids.
00:50:21.566 --> 00:50:23.359
Everything is so extreme.
00:50:23.735 --> 00:50:25.486
It's the times. These are frightening times.
00:50:25.570 --> 00:50:27.822
These kids, they grow up in a world
00:50:27.906 --> 00:50:30.158
that you and I, we wouldn't even recognize.
00:50:30.533 --> 00:50:34.370
Global warming, a sea of pornography,
00:50:34.454 --> 00:50:36.456
hyper violent video games.
00:50:36.539 --> 00:50:37.874
It's a world without privacy.
00:50:38.374 --> 00:50:41.585
Each kid isolated, communicating on media.
00:50:42.336 --> 00:50:43.545
It's a world without hope!
00:50:44.171 --> 00:50:45.714
You don't know what it's like
to raise a kid in this...
00:50:45.797 --> 00:50:46.965
No, I did raise a kid.
00:50:49.009 --> 00:50:51.303
- I didn't mean it like that.
- I know you didn't.
00:50:53.055 --> 00:50:54.640
They're just frightened.
00:50:54.723 --> 00:50:56.642
- These kids, they want certainty.
- Mm-hmm.
00:50:56.725 --> 00:50:58.769
You know, don't think: follow.
00:51:01.146 --> 00:51:03.023
But they fall prey to extremism.
00:51:03.607 --> 00:51:06.109
Jihadism is everywhere.
00:51:06.610 --> 00:51:07.527
Even here.
00:51:07.611 --> 00:51:10.739
It's just... that's not
the church that called me.
00:51:10.822 --> 00:51:11.948
Nor me.
00:51:12.031 --> 00:51:15.076
It's up to us. We have to listen and guide
00:51:15.159 --> 00:51:19.497
and encourage our young members
to express themselves
00:51:19.580 --> 00:51:20.748
without judging them.
00:51:21.290 --> 00:51:22.333
We have to lead by example.
00:51:23.542 --> 00:51:24.710
We have to be patient.
00:51:35.348 --> 00:51:39.517
Oh, this sounds great. I'm gonna have to
sharpen my chops for the reconsecration.
00:51:40.009 --> 00:51:41.644
Do you know what they want to play?
00:51:41.727 --> 00:51:43.979
No, I have no idea.
Abundant Life is handling everything.
00:51:44.062 --> 00:51:45.271
Invites, the seating.
00:51:45.772 --> 00:51:47.357
Basically, I just introduce Joel.
00:51:47.857 --> 00:51:51.695
And then he does his spiel,
introduces the governor, maybe Ed Balq.
00:51:51.778 --> 00:51:55.323
- Oh, why him?
- It's sort of his whole deal.
00:51:55.407 --> 00:51:58.159
I mean, he's underwritten the whole thing,
paid to have the organ fixed.
00:51:58.910 --> 00:51:59.828
I do have another...
00:51:59.911 --> 00:52:02.755
- Oh, take it from the top.
- ...musical question for you.
00:52:16.301 --> 00:52:19.596
It's actually
a... kind of sad bit of business.
00:52:19.680 --> 00:52:21.640
- Hmm?
- The Michael Mensana memorial.
00:52:21.724 --> 00:52:25.310
The scattering of his ashes.
He's asked me to arrange it.
00:52:26.729 --> 00:52:27.730
He's asked you?
00:52:29.106 --> 00:52:32.401
Well, he wrote a letter.
He had some requests.
00:52:37.406 --> 00:52:39.033
Then the Lord spoke to Job,
00:52:39.700 --> 00:52:40.784
stepped from the storm.
00:52:42.077 --> 00:52:44.455
He said, "Where were you
when I laid the earth's foundations,
00:52:44.538 --> 00:52:48.166
marked out its dimensions,
laid its cornerstone?
00:52:51.669 --> 00:52:53.254
When the morning stars sang,
00:52:54.756 --> 00:52:58.342
and the angels
shouted with joy, where were you?"
00:53:02.055 --> 00:53:03.681
These surroundings were chosen by Michael
00:53:03.765 --> 00:53:06.100
as the repository for his physical remains.
00:53:06.768 --> 00:53:08.394
I say physical because his memories
00:53:08.478 --> 00:53:10.063
and spirit live on with us,
00:53:10.938 --> 00:53:12.106
as does his mission.
00:53:13.357 --> 00:53:14.859
Michael cared about this world.
00:53:16.277 --> 00:53:17.361
Perhaps too much.
00:53:19.071 --> 00:53:22.407
The Abundant Life youth choir
will now sing for us
00:53:23.075 --> 00:53:24.367
a song chosen by Michael.
00:53:36.973 --> 00:53:42.052
# Protect the wild, tomorrow's child #
00:53:42.844 --> 00:53:47.516
# Protect the land from the greed of man #
00:53:48.225 --> 00:53:53.062
# Take out the dams, stand up to oil #
00:53:53.687 --> 00:53:58.150
# Protect the plants and renew the soil #
00:53:58.943 --> 00:54:03.155
# Who's gonna stand up
And save the Earth? #
00:54:04.073 --> 00:54:08.285
# Who's gonna say that she's had enough? #
00:54:08.953 --> 00:54:13.332
# Who's gonna take on the big machine? #
00:54:13.833 --> 00:54:17.920
# Who's gonna stand up
And save the Earth? #
00:54:18.379 --> 00:54:22.590
# This all starts with you and me #
00:54:26.427 --> 00:54:28.555
# End fossil fuels #
00:54:29.055 --> 00:54:30.890
# Draw the line #
00:54:31.307 --> 00:54:35.520
# Before we build one more pipeline #
00:54:36.271 --> 00:54:38.064
# End fracking now #
00:54:38.606 --> 00:54:40.525
# Let's save the water #
00:54:41.109 --> 00:54:45.280
# And build a life
For our sons and daughters #
00:54:46.030 --> 00:54:50.285
# Who's gonna stand up
And save the Earth? #
00:54:50.994 --> 00:54:54.955
# Who's gonna say that she's had enough? #
00:54:55.831 --> 00:54:59.877
# Who's gonna take on the big machine? #
00:55:00.669 --> 00:55:04.715
# Who's gonna stand up
And save the Earth? #
00:55:05.132 --> 00:55:10.012
# This all starts with you and me #
00:55:33.117 --> 00:55:34.160
- I'm good.
- All right.
00:55:47.215 --> 00:55:48.507
- Mr. Balq!
- Hey!
00:55:48.591 --> 00:55:50.009
- Hello!
- How are you?
00:55:50.092 --> 00:55:51.594
- Very good, very good.
- Good, good, good.
00:55:53.471 --> 00:55:57.266
Hey. Sorry I'm late. I got... I got held up.
00:55:57.682 --> 00:55:59.351
Oh, good. You know Reverend Toller, right?
00:55:59.434 --> 00:56:00.977
Well, only by sight. Ed Balq.
00:56:01.061 --> 00:56:02.479
- Good to meet you.
- It's nice to meet you.
00:56:04.189 --> 00:56:05.106
Just bring me a coffee
00:56:05.190 --> 00:56:07.108
- and the apple pie, all right?
- Okay. Thank you.
00:56:08.360 --> 00:56:09.277
The apple pie.
00:56:09.361 --> 00:56:11.905
I know it's a cliché
but they make it right here.
00:56:11.988 --> 00:56:13.740
It's organic. It's local.
00:56:14.532 --> 00:56:16.201
I have a surprise for you.
00:56:16.284 --> 00:56:21.039
I stopped by the printer on the way over.
00:56:23.875 --> 00:56:24.793
Oh.
00:56:25.627 --> 00:56:29.130
Oh, nice. Nice. They did a great job.
00:56:29.214 --> 00:56:32.299
Yeah, all the guests
at the reconsecration will get a copy.
00:56:32.383 --> 00:56:34.134
And then there will also be a mailing.
00:56:34.218 --> 00:56:36.512
And of course it will be
available at the bookstore.
00:56:36.929 --> 00:56:38.055
So how are the plans coming?
00:56:38.764 --> 00:56:40.015
Is the organ repaired?
00:56:40.099 --> 00:56:42.351
Oh, yeah. It sounds beautiful.
Better than ever.
00:56:43.060 --> 00:56:47.481
Okay. We drew up a little seating chart.
00:56:48.065 --> 00:56:49.817
Now, Mayor Wilson will be there,
00:56:50.234 --> 00:56:51.193
as well as the governor.
00:56:51.277 --> 00:56:52.319
Well, at least he's going to try...
00:56:52.403 --> 00:56:53.988
All of those mighty men of God,
00:56:54.905 --> 00:56:56.323
servants of the cross.
00:56:56.407 --> 00:57:00.786
Years of service, baptisms,
confessions, funerals, sermons.
00:57:00.869 --> 00:57:02.245
The hours in prayer,
00:57:02.704 --> 00:57:04.247
the afflictions suffered.
00:57:04.789 --> 00:57:06.165
Did God give them strength?
00:57:06.791 --> 00:57:08.418
Reverend Toller will introduce me.
00:57:08.668 --> 00:57:10.670
I'll go up, I'll introduce the governor.
00:57:11.004 --> 00:57:12.922
There'll be a song selection.
Now, the main...
00:57:13.006 --> 00:57:14.757
There won't be anything
political though, will there?
00:57:15.508 --> 00:57:17.593
No. No, why would there be?
00:57:18.386 --> 00:57:19.679
Well... oh, sorry. Do you mind?
00:57:19.762 --> 00:57:20.763
Here you are.
00:57:21.180 --> 00:57:22.390
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
00:57:22.473 --> 00:57:24.684
- Well, I ask...
- Enjoy.
00:57:24.767 --> 00:57:27.770
...only 'cause this came to my attention.
00:57:28.813 --> 00:57:31.107
It's a printout from a website.
00:57:31.858 --> 00:57:35.068
Well, both First Reformed
and Abundant Life are mentioned by name.
00:57:35.152 --> 00:57:39.072
It was a political event.
A Neil Young protest song?
00:57:40.073 --> 00:57:43.785
I was just respecting the wishes
of the deceased and his widow.
00:57:43.869 --> 00:57:46.371
It was their instructions
for the memorial service.
00:57:46.455 --> 00:57:49.666
At a toxic waste site
with the press in attendance?
00:57:49.750 --> 00:57:51.043
There was no press invited.
00:57:51.126 --> 00:57:52.961
No, this is just Mensana's friends.
00:57:53.045 --> 00:57:54.296
It was a political act.
00:57:54.379 --> 00:57:57.466
And you and the choir represented
the Abundant Life Church.
00:57:57.549 --> 00:58:00.260
And the Hanstown site,
by the way, isn't even polluted.
00:58:00.344 --> 00:58:02.054
It was cleaned up with EPA superfunds.
00:58:02.846 --> 00:58:04.514
- Well, Hanstown...
- No, no, of course not,
00:58:04.598 --> 00:58:06.807
but just give me some credit, all right?
I'm in the energy business.
00:58:06.891 --> 00:58:08.267
It's my business to stay informed.
00:58:09.435 --> 00:58:10.519
Look, sorry.
00:58:10.936 --> 00:58:13.898
Reverend Toller didn't understand
the implications here.
00:58:15.666 --> 00:58:17.334
- May I ask a question?
- Yeah, go ahead.
00:58:17.668 --> 00:58:18.836
Will God forgive us?
00:58:22.506 --> 00:58:25.050
Will God forgive us for what
we're doing to his creation?
00:58:25.134 --> 00:58:27.845
That's what Mensana asked me
when I visited him.
00:58:29.138 --> 00:58:33.016
This... there's been a lot of loose talk
about environmental change.
00:58:33.100 --> 00:58:36.103
There is scientific consensus.
Ninety-seven percent...
00:58:36.186 --> 00:58:39.147
The man who says nothing
always seems more intelligent.
00:58:39.772 --> 00:58:41.732
Why couldn't I just keep silent?
00:58:43.317 --> 00:58:45.027
It's a complicated subject.
00:58:45.111 --> 00:58:46.028
Not really.
00:58:46.654 --> 00:58:48.239
I mean, who benefits?
00:58:49.031 --> 00:58:50.116
Cui bono? Who profits?
00:58:50.199 --> 00:58:51.450
That's what I keep asking myself.
00:58:51.534 --> 00:58:55.663
Besides the Biblical call to stewardship,
who profits when we soil our own nest?
00:58:55.746 --> 00:58:57.540
- What's to be gained...
- Can we just agree to keep politics
00:58:57.623 --> 00:58:59.000
out of the reconsecration service?
00:58:59.083 --> 00:59:01.711
- Yes.
- Yeah, but this isn't politics.
00:59:01.794 --> 00:59:05.631
- I mean, what God wants is for...
- Oh, you know the mind of God?
00:59:05.715 --> 00:59:07.300
You spoke to Him, personally?
00:59:07.842 --> 00:59:09.467
He told you His plans for Earth?
00:59:12.679 --> 00:59:15.849
Look, I understand, you're upset.
00:59:18.852 --> 00:59:20.812
I mean, you found the body, correct?
00:59:22.314 --> 00:59:23.231
Yes.
00:59:24.755 --> 00:59:25.672
How?
00:59:32.012 --> 00:59:34.514
I was supposed to meet him.
00:59:35.349 --> 00:59:40.603
And he texted me and... a change of location.
00:59:41.145 --> 00:59:42.063
And?
00:59:44.565 --> 00:59:45.983
And I went there and he was dead.
00:59:50.029 --> 00:59:51.614
So you counseled him, Reverend?
00:59:53.282 --> 00:59:54.200
Yes.
00:59:54.825 --> 00:59:57.870
You counseled him, then he shot himself?
00:59:58.662 --> 00:59:59.580
Ed?
01:00:01.665 --> 01:00:02.583
Yes.
01:00:05.961 --> 01:00:07.880
Well, I think you need
to step back, Reverend,
01:00:09.090 --> 01:00:11.842
and take a look at your own life
before you criticize others.
01:00:13.051 --> 01:00:13.968
Hmm?
01:00:34.450 --> 01:00:36.327
Mary and I rode the park trail.
01:00:38.579 --> 01:00:41.707
I had not ridden a bicycle,
I think, in 20 years.
01:00:47.582 --> 01:00:49.084
I was afraid I would fall.
01:00:55.549 --> 01:00:59.052
It's amazing the simple,
curative power of exercise.
01:01:04.933 --> 01:01:06.143
It's God-given.
01:01:14.484 --> 01:01:15.860
Thank you again.
01:01:16.527 --> 01:01:19.947
Michael and I used to cycle twice a week
and I've missed it so much.
01:01:20.031 --> 01:01:21.490
Oh, I enjoyed it.
01:01:22.283 --> 01:01:24.118
It's been a long time.
01:01:24.201 --> 01:01:25.536
But it was under protest.
01:01:26.704 --> 01:01:29.165
- I asked my doctor.
- Really? Still.
01:01:31.292 --> 01:01:33.377
- Can I ask you another favor?
- Sure.
01:01:34.128 --> 01:01:37.214
Could you box up Michael's things?
Or find somebody to do it?
01:01:39.717 --> 01:01:41.510
You sure you want to give them
away so quickly?
01:01:42.219 --> 01:01:44.597
Not, like, not give it away, just, you know.
01:01:44.680 --> 01:01:47.849
Just box them up.
It just, you know, I feel...
01:01:48.767 --> 01:01:53.730
it's just difficult to be around
so many smells and memories, you know?
01:01:54.105 --> 01:01:55.940
Yeah, I can... I can do it.
01:01:56.024 --> 01:01:56.941
Okay.
01:01:57.358 --> 01:01:58.693
Have you decided what's next?
01:01:58.777 --> 01:02:02.363
Um, the rent's paid for for two months,
so there's no hurry.
01:02:02.447 --> 01:02:05.325
But I'm gonna stay
with my sister and my brother-in-law.
01:02:05.408 --> 01:02:07.285
- Hmm, are you?
- Until the baby is born.
01:02:07.368 --> 01:02:08.828
So you'll relocate there?
01:02:08.912 --> 01:02:09.829
Yeah, I think so.
01:02:10.663 --> 01:02:12.707
She contacted an obstetrician.
01:02:14.876 --> 01:02:16.169
Are we talking pink or blue?
01:02:17.378 --> 01:02:18.463
- Blue.
- Blue.
01:02:18.546 --> 01:02:20.255
- Blue! Thanks.
- Ah, congratulations.
01:02:20.339 --> 01:02:21.465
- That's wonderful.
- Yeah.
01:02:23.675 --> 01:02:27.930
Oh, hey, I have a question
for you if it's not too painful.
01:02:31.934 --> 01:02:35.354
Do you think he really
would have harmed someone?
01:02:40.150 --> 01:02:41.068
Um...
01:02:42.236 --> 01:02:46.532
He'd been a part of some...
nonviolent protests.
01:02:47.616 --> 01:02:50.327
We both had. He'd been put in jail.
01:02:51.577 --> 01:02:52.495
He had a temper.
01:02:53.454 --> 01:02:56.290
I mean, he'd start yelling at police,
but no, I don't think he was...
01:02:57.625 --> 01:02:59.293
No. I don't think he was violent.
01:03:02.630 --> 01:03:03.589
I just, um...
01:03:05.466 --> 01:03:09.137
I can't help but keep wondering
what I should have done differently.
01:03:13.391 --> 01:03:14.684
He didn't want to live.
01:03:19.230 --> 01:03:21.482
He was not a religious man, you know.
01:03:23.775 --> 01:03:26.236
He didn't care for the church. That was me.
01:03:26.319 --> 01:03:27.988
I was the one who asked him to come.
01:03:28.655 --> 01:03:32.200
I was raised in the church
and I never could quite let it go.
01:03:33.201 --> 01:03:35.537
I'd be in a strange city and I would just go
01:03:35.620 --> 01:03:37.497
to a church and sit down, you know?
01:03:37.581 --> 01:03:39.249
I was the spiritual one.
01:03:45.172 --> 01:03:46.089
Thanks.
01:03:46.715 --> 01:03:50.177
Yeah, I'll... I'm gonna go get some boxes.
01:03:50.260 --> 01:03:51.595
- I'll come back for the clothes.
- Okay.
01:03:55.806 --> 01:03:57.308
Reverend? Um...
01:04:00.394 --> 01:04:02.980
would you... pray with me?
01:04:05.608 --> 01:04:07.651
I just... I find it difficult to do it alone.
01:04:07.735 --> 01:04:10.487
Just, the words just don't come.
01:04:12.573 --> 01:04:14.074
Are you uncomfortable
with me asking you that?
01:04:14.158 --> 01:04:17.119
- No. No, no, no. Of course not, yeah.
- Okay.
01:04:21.624 --> 01:04:22.708
Dear Heavenly Father...
01:04:24.752 --> 01:04:27.420
we invite you into this room,
into our heart...
01:04:27.921 --> 01:04:30.673
I held her hand, I spoke,
01:04:32.008 --> 01:04:33.593
and the words came out of my mouth.
01:04:34.552 --> 01:04:38.473
"By thy words, you shall be justified
and by thy words, you shall be condemned."
01:05:43.247 --> 01:05:45.124
I can no longer ignore my health.
01:05:46.333 --> 01:05:48.544
I have postponed my checkup too often.
01:05:50.296 --> 01:05:52.631
Yesterday, I could literally barely stand.
01:06:51.021 --> 01:06:53.607
No, I have not lost my faith.
01:08:13.579 --> 01:08:16.540
"And the rich man said,
'I will pull down my barns
01:08:16.624 --> 01:08:17.950
and build greater.'
01:08:19.710 --> 01:08:21.629
And I will say to my soul,
01:08:21.712 --> 01:08:25.215
'take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry.'
01:08:25.716 --> 01:08:27.384
But God said unto his disciples,
01:08:27.468 --> 01:08:28.928
'take no thought for your life,
01:08:29.595 --> 01:08:30.804
what ye shall eat.'
01:08:33.265 --> 01:08:36.352
Neither for the body, what ye shall put on.
01:08:38.979 --> 01:08:41.147
The life is more than meat,
01:08:42.565 --> 01:08:45.234
and the body is more than raiment."
01:08:46.152 --> 01:08:48.947
Thus ends the reading of the Lord.
Praise be God.
01:08:49.739 --> 01:08:51.282
When did he come back?
01:08:51.366 --> 01:08:53.618
Well, he was out most of Friday.
01:08:54.243 --> 01:08:55.870
So he went to Albany for his checkup?
01:08:55.954 --> 01:08:58.498
I asked him, but he didn't
give me any details.
01:08:58.915 --> 01:08:59.832
You know how he is.
01:09:00.833 --> 01:09:02.251
Perhaps I can check.
01:09:02.335 --> 01:09:04.545
- Esther.
- It's just...
01:09:04.629 --> 01:09:07.215
I know. I know.
01:09:11.260 --> 01:09:13.971
- Okay, all right. Bye.
- See you.
01:09:26.566 --> 01:09:29.152
We'd like to do a gastroscopic exam.
01:09:29.236 --> 01:09:32.531
We lower a fiber optic camera
down the throat and esophagus
01:09:32.614 --> 01:09:33.532
and take a look around.
01:09:33.615 --> 01:09:35.575
It's an outpatient procedure,
local anesthetic.
01:09:35.659 --> 01:09:37.327
You should be able to leave by midafternoon.
01:09:37.411 --> 01:09:39.371
Still, that doesn't...
that doesn't sound too good.
01:09:39.454 --> 01:09:42.374
Well, we'd like to check
for evidence of malignancy.
01:09:42.457 --> 01:09:43.375
Cancer.
01:09:44.417 --> 01:09:47.169
Cancer's not the fearsome
medical foe it once was.
01:09:47.878 --> 01:09:48.796
Mm-hmm.
01:09:51.549 --> 01:09:53.676
What's the treatment for that?
01:09:55.136 --> 01:09:57.847
It depends on how far advanced the tumor is.
01:09:58.931 --> 01:09:59.849
But?
01:10:00.099 --> 01:10:02.143
You stated you've been
experiencing discomfort.
01:10:02.852 --> 01:10:03.769
Uh-huh.
01:10:04.186 --> 01:10:05.604
- Yeah.
- Six months?
01:10:07.440 --> 01:10:11.235
Well, diet, medication, chemo, even surgery.
01:10:11.318 --> 01:10:13.446
We have a variety of diagnostic tools.
01:10:14.113 --> 01:10:15.281
Have you had any bloody stools?
01:10:20.785 --> 01:10:21.703
Recently?
01:10:24.789 --> 01:10:28.251
Okay. I'd like to schedule
the gastroscopy as soon as possible.
01:10:28.334 --> 01:10:31.838
We have an open slot week after next.
01:10:32.881 --> 01:10:33.798
Okay.
01:10:34.174 --> 01:10:35.091
What's your diet?
01:10:35.800 --> 01:10:37.093
My diet? Um...
01:10:38.136 --> 01:10:39.220
I'm hungry, I eat.
01:10:39.304 --> 01:10:40.680
- Smoke?
- No.
01:10:40.764 --> 01:10:41.681
Drink?
01:10:43.141 --> 01:10:44.934
Mmm, in moderation.
01:10:45.018 --> 01:10:45.935
That needs to end.
01:10:46.686 --> 01:10:49.146
I'm gonna call in a prescription to help
with the stomach pain.
01:10:49.229 --> 01:10:51.440
And I want you to take
nutritional supplements.
01:10:52.441 --> 01:10:53.358
Okay.
01:10:54.359 --> 01:10:55.527
Are you in pain now?
01:10:56.987 --> 01:10:58.113
No, I feel good.
01:11:00.365 --> 01:11:04.286
We tend to think that anxiety and worry
01:11:04.369 --> 01:11:08.123
are simply an indication of how wise we are,
01:11:08.749 --> 01:11:10.626
yet it is a much better indication
01:11:10.709 --> 01:11:12.544
of how wicked we are.
01:11:13.420 --> 01:11:18.675
Fretting arises from our determination
to have our own way.
01:11:19.717 --> 01:11:21.636
Our Lord never worried
01:11:22.261 --> 01:11:23.763
and was never anxious.
01:11:25.431 --> 01:11:27.100
- I'll be back in a bit.
- Because His purpose
01:11:27.183 --> 01:11:31.062
was to accomplish not His own plans...
01:11:35.900 --> 01:11:38.069
- Reverend?
- Hi, Esther.
01:11:38.152 --> 01:11:40.029
I didn't know you were coming.
01:11:40.113 --> 01:11:41.155
Well, Joel's office called.
01:11:41.239 --> 01:11:43.199
They want to talk to me about
the reconsecration program.
01:11:43.282 --> 01:11:44.283
Did they talk to you?
01:11:44.951 --> 01:11:46.494
I'll be at First Reformed.
01:11:46.577 --> 01:11:49.122
And Stanley will be with
the full choir here for the simulcast.
01:11:49.205 --> 01:11:50.331
Mm-hmm, nice.
01:11:50.414 --> 01:11:51.748
The acoustics will be wonderful.
01:11:51.832 --> 01:11:52.749
- I mean...
- Stop.
01:11:52.833 --> 01:11:54.000
Really wonderful.
01:11:54.835 --> 01:11:56.086
Did you hear from Albany?
01:11:56.169 --> 01:11:58.171
- Yeah, I did.
- Well, what did they say?
01:11:58.255 --> 01:12:00.966
- Nothing, just some more tests.
- A gastroscopy.
01:12:03.218 --> 01:12:04.136
And you know this how?
01:12:05.720 --> 01:12:06.555
I called.
01:12:06.638 --> 01:12:09.432
- I'm worried about you.
- Leave me alone!
01:12:11.143 --> 01:12:13.645
- I just want to try...
- I know what you want!
01:12:13.728 --> 01:12:17.899
All right, and I cannot bear your concern,
your constant hovering, your neediness.
01:12:17.983 --> 01:12:20.443
You... you're a constant reminder
01:12:20.527 --> 01:12:23.445
of my own personal inadequacies and failings.
01:12:23.529 --> 01:12:27.199
You want something that never
was and never will be.
01:12:28.117 --> 01:12:30.286
- Don't make me do this, 'cause I...
- Esther, Esther, Esther.
01:12:30.619 --> 01:12:32.371
Pull yourself together, okay?
01:12:32.454 --> 01:12:34.206
- You don't take care of yourself.
- Look at yourself.
01:12:35.416 --> 01:12:36.333
I despise you.
01:12:37.877 --> 01:12:40.212
I despise what you bring out in me.
01:12:40.963 --> 01:12:42.423
Your concerns are petty.
01:12:43.424 --> 01:12:45.259
You are a stumbling block.
01:12:58.354 --> 01:12:59.814
I suddenly feel much better.
01:13:00.523 --> 01:13:05.403
I awoke early, clearheaded,
and immediately set about my daily tasks.
01:16:25.013 --> 01:16:26.523
"The nations raged"...
01:16:28.525 --> 01:16:30.018
"But your wrath came
01:16:31.520 --> 01:16:33.772
and the time for the dead to be judged.
01:16:36.691 --> 01:16:39.527
And for rewarding your servants
and prophets and saints
01:16:40.861 --> 01:16:42.655
and for those who fear your name
01:16:43.572 --> 01:16:44.824
both small and great.
01:16:47.576 --> 01:16:50.413
And for destroying
the destroyers of the earth."
01:16:54.875 --> 01:16:57.420
Revelations 11:18.
01:17:22.360 --> 01:17:24.362
I have removed the previous pages.
01:17:24.446 --> 01:17:25.905
They were written in delirium.
01:17:27.282 --> 01:17:29.367
But I am determined to continue.
01:17:31.578 --> 01:17:34.038
It's hard to struggle against torpor.
01:17:35.290 --> 01:17:36.583
I must set pen to paper.
01:17:59.855 --> 01:18:00.772
Shit.
01:18:15.828 --> 01:18:18.289
- Oh, hey, Mary.
- Hi. Can I come in?
01:18:18.372 --> 01:18:20.249
Yeah, of course. Come on in.
Come on, come on.
01:18:20.333 --> 01:18:22.627
Come in. Do you need anything?
01:18:22.710 --> 01:18:24.504
Do you want... can I take your coat?
01:18:24.587 --> 01:18:26.797
- Yeah.
- Hey, are you all right?
01:18:27.632 --> 01:18:30.760
- Um...
- Let me get this.
01:18:30.843 --> 01:18:31.886
No.
01:18:35.264 --> 01:18:37.558
I'm just... I'm really frightened.
01:18:37.642 --> 01:18:39.227
I'm, like, I'm frightened of everything.
01:18:42.605 --> 01:18:45.982
I woke up and my heart was pounding
and I thought, like, the roof,
01:18:46.066 --> 01:18:47.984
the ceiling, was just gonna fall in.
01:18:49.402 --> 01:18:52.030
- So I had to get out.
- Yeah...
01:18:52.113 --> 01:18:54.074
And I just drove around and I...
01:18:54.908 --> 01:18:57.160
I didn't put any makeup on. Sorry.
01:18:57.244 --> 01:18:58.245
I'm glad you came.
01:18:58.870 --> 01:19:01.998
Do you want some water or some tea...
01:19:02.082 --> 01:19:02.999
Without warning...
01:19:05.252 --> 01:19:07.170
this dark curtain just fell.
01:19:08.255 --> 01:19:11.049
I'm scared of everything.
01:19:11.132 --> 01:19:12.676
Well, you did the right thing coming here.
01:19:12.759 --> 01:19:14.094
I just can't stop my thoughts.
01:19:14.177 --> 01:19:16.221
They just keep going on and on.
01:19:16.304 --> 01:19:17.429
They repeat and repeat.
01:19:19.098 --> 01:19:21.016
Did this ever happen before Michael's death?
01:19:22.726 --> 01:19:23.644
A little.
01:19:24.853 --> 01:19:26.188
Yeah, not like this, though.
01:19:27.815 --> 01:19:30.109
I read online that they used to believe
01:19:30.192 --> 01:19:32.653
that pregnancy made you happy,
but now they feel like
01:19:32.736 --> 01:19:34.655
it just makes your feelings more extreme.
01:19:38.617 --> 01:19:39.535
Michael...
01:19:41.996 --> 01:19:44.039
he was just really strong.
01:19:44.540 --> 01:19:45.457
How so?
01:19:49.085 --> 01:19:51.254
Um, he listened. He was kind.
01:19:53.965 --> 01:19:57.135
We used to do this thing
called the magical mystery tour.
01:19:58.303 --> 01:20:00.763
It sounds silly, but, um...
01:20:01.889 --> 01:20:03.600
we would share a joint
01:20:04.642 --> 01:20:07.103
and lay on top of each other fully clothed.
01:20:08.980 --> 01:20:11.816
We would try to get as much
body to body contact as possible.
01:20:13.026 --> 01:20:14.402
We'd have our hands out and...
01:20:15.820 --> 01:20:18.156
we would just look straight
into each other's eyes
01:20:19.198 --> 01:20:23.076
and move them in unison,
like, right, left, right, left.
01:20:23.160 --> 01:20:25.871
And then we would breathe in rhythm.
01:20:32.919 --> 01:20:34.171
You want me to do this?
01:20:37.007 --> 01:20:39.259
No. I didn't mean that.
01:20:41.219 --> 01:20:43.096
- All right.
- I mean, I...
01:20:46.058 --> 01:20:49.519
Yeah. I mean, yeah. I guess,
I... yeah, I guess I did.
01:20:50.646 --> 01:20:51.563
Okay.
01:20:52.480 --> 01:20:53.606
Uh, show me.
01:20:54.440 --> 01:20:57.860
Well... you lay on your back
01:20:57.943 --> 01:21:00.154
and with your arms
and your legs stretched out.
01:21:00.780 --> 01:21:01.781
Do we need music?
01:21:02.657 --> 01:21:04.367
No, we just listen to the breaths.
01:21:05.701 --> 01:21:08.162
Just... lie down?
01:21:09.205 --> 01:21:11.582
Yeah. And then, yeah.
01:25:25.786 --> 01:25:27.288
Go, go, go! Come on, come on, come on!
01:25:27.371 --> 01:25:29.498
- There you go, you got it.
- Come on, Benny. Come on, Benny.
01:25:29.582 --> 01:25:32.960
Okay, guys, let's all get seated
in the first pew right here.
01:25:33.044 --> 01:25:34.086
All the way down.
01:25:38.924 --> 01:25:40.008
All right, good job, guys.
01:25:40.091 --> 01:25:43.637
Okay, so last week,
we read The Patchwork Path
01:25:43.720 --> 01:25:46.848
about the Underground Railroad,
which was not a railroad, but...
01:25:47.974 --> 01:25:50.310
- Rosa?
- It was a slave trail.
01:25:50.727 --> 01:25:53.396
It was an escape route
from the South to the North.
01:25:53.480 --> 01:25:57.651
And this church, First Reformed,
was one of the stops on that route.
01:25:57.734 --> 01:25:58.652
Reverend Toller?
01:25:58.735 --> 01:26:01.780
Yeah. Slaves fleeing north to Canada
01:26:01.863 --> 01:26:05.575
were often helped, fed, hidden
by homes and churches
01:26:05.659 --> 01:26:06.743
along this route.
01:26:06.826 --> 01:26:10.496
Calvin Verlander was the dominee,
the minister here at First Reformed.
01:26:10.579 --> 01:26:12.706
And he was very active
in the Abolitionist Movement.
01:26:13.290 --> 01:26:14.208
He assisted in...
01:26:15.084 --> 01:26:17.169
No, Ms. Surya, let me try this.
01:26:17.252 --> 01:26:18.796
Why don't you all stand up for a second?
01:26:18.879 --> 01:26:19.880
Take a look right here.
01:26:19.964 --> 01:26:22.341
Do you see one part of wood
that seems different
01:26:22.424 --> 01:26:23.968
- than the other part of the wood?
- Yeah!
01:26:24.176 --> 01:26:25.803
You all see that, don't you?
01:26:25.886 --> 01:26:27.096
But does this seem a little bit
01:26:27.179 --> 01:26:29.515
- like a secret door, hmm?
- Yes.
01:26:29.598 --> 01:26:31.517
- Yeah, what's your name?
- Benny.
01:26:31.600 --> 01:26:32.643
Benny, will you give me a hand?
01:26:32.726 --> 01:26:33.936
- Come on over here.
- Mm-hmm.
01:26:34.019 --> 01:26:36.021
You see, there used to be a pew over this.
01:26:36.105 --> 01:26:38.232
And they would move it
and then they would lift this up.
01:26:38.315 --> 01:26:39.233
Can you do it? Help me.
01:26:41.193 --> 01:26:44.362
Yes! Oh! Come around, everybody.
01:26:44.445 --> 01:26:45.363
Can you hold this up?
01:26:45.446 --> 01:26:47.573
Slaves would hide in here.
Sometimes whole families.
01:26:47.657 --> 01:26:49.492
Be really careful. All right.
01:26:50.243 --> 01:26:51.369
Can you imagine that?
01:26:52.537 --> 01:26:53.454
In the dark.
01:26:54.205 --> 01:26:55.415
The air hot,
01:26:56.332 --> 01:26:57.208
shaking with fear.
01:26:57.291 --> 01:27:00.128
The sound of the slave hunter's
horses outside.
01:27:00.920 --> 01:27:03.006
On their knees, holding each other's hands,
01:27:03.089 --> 01:27:04.632
praying for God to save them?
01:27:11.431 --> 01:27:13.515
Do you want me to pack up
anything here in the kitchen?
01:27:13.598 --> 01:27:16.101
No, I can get it later. Thanks.
01:27:20.772 --> 01:27:22.274
I'd love to meet your sister sometime.
01:27:24.276 --> 01:27:26.278
- You wanna come to Buffalo?
- If I'm invited, I'd love to.
01:27:26.361 --> 01:27:28.238
- You gonna visit me?
- I would, yeah!
01:27:28.739 --> 01:27:29.948
I'd love to meet Michael, Jr.
01:27:31.158 --> 01:27:32.743
You've been such a help to me.
01:27:33.869 --> 01:27:37.205
My great-grandfather
was a pastor in Muskegon, Michigan.
01:27:37.289 --> 01:27:38.290
The Saint of God.
01:27:38.999 --> 01:27:41.710
And the bank in town
was a two-story building,
01:27:41.793 --> 01:27:43.378
the first building to have an elevator.
01:27:44.171 --> 01:27:45.172
And one Monday,
01:27:46.380 --> 01:27:48.799
Granddad got the boys all together
01:27:48.883 --> 01:27:51.302
and they went into town
to deposit church funds,
01:27:51.927 --> 01:27:53.054
as they did every Monday.
01:27:53.137 --> 01:27:54.889
And they needed to go talk to the managers.
01:27:54.972 --> 01:27:57.475
They got on the elevator
and he had a heart attack.
01:27:59.643 --> 01:28:01.812
And he took off his hat.
01:28:01.896 --> 01:28:03.189
Apparently, he always wore a hat.
01:28:03.272 --> 01:28:04.940
And he took off his hat and he said,
01:28:05.024 --> 01:28:09.862
"Boys, take off my shoes.
I'm standing on holy ground."
01:28:11.447 --> 01:28:12.364
And then he died.
01:28:13.783 --> 01:28:15.743
Somewhere between the first and second floor.
01:28:18.536 --> 01:28:21.998
Yeah, I think about that story
when I think about Michael.
01:28:24.793 --> 01:28:27.504
'Cause I believe he was standing
on holy ground when he died.
01:28:39.974 --> 01:28:40.892
Thank you.
01:28:42.435 --> 01:28:44.104
So I'll see you in Buffalo?
01:28:44.813 --> 01:28:47.023
I think I'm gonna go to the reconsecration.
01:28:48.525 --> 01:28:50.692
Oh. No, you don't need to do that.
01:28:51.235 --> 01:28:53.237
- But I want to.
- Yeah, but it's not necessary.
01:28:53.987 --> 01:28:56.365
Yeah, but you've been there for me
and I want to be there for you.
01:28:56.448 --> 01:28:58.700
It's very nice of you to offer,
01:28:58.784 --> 01:29:01.745
but it's just a bunch of rich guys
patting each other on the back.
01:29:01.829 --> 01:29:03.497
- But you're gonna be there.
- But I have to be there.
01:29:03.580 --> 01:29:05.666
- So I'm gonna go.
- Please don't come.
01:29:06.834 --> 01:29:08.043
Okay? I don't want you to come.
01:29:08.919 --> 01:29:09.837
You understand?
01:29:12.548 --> 01:29:13.465
Okay.
01:29:15.968 --> 01:29:17.719
Right. Have a nice evening.
01:29:46.664 --> 01:29:49.625
"Be strong in the Lord
and in His mighty power.
01:29:50.918 --> 01:29:54.212
Put on the full armor of God
01:29:54.296 --> 01:29:58.800
so that you can take your stand
against the devil's schemes.
01:29:58.884 --> 01:30:01.928
For our struggle is not
against flesh and blood
01:30:04.055 --> 01:30:07.934
but against the rulers,
against the authorities,
01:30:08.852 --> 01:30:11.813
against the powers of this dark world."
01:30:50.809 --> 01:30:56.147
Balq Home Products,
makers of paper goods, fertilizers,
01:30:57.232 --> 01:31:00.026
everyday items for the household,
01:31:00.109 --> 01:31:02.528
was among the first companies
01:31:02.612 --> 01:31:07.283
to realize the need
to address environmental concerns.
01:31:07.784 --> 01:31:10.119
Sir? Are you joining us?
01:31:11.412 --> 01:31:16.000
This unit makes recyclable plastic markers.
01:31:16.417 --> 01:31:20.588
Balq has facilities
or production arrangements
01:31:20.672 --> 01:31:24.509
with 18 countries around the world.
01:31:31.765 --> 01:31:34.559
Today, I stopped. I had Miso and fish.
01:31:38.855 --> 01:31:40.440
Such simple pleasures.
01:31:43.819 --> 01:31:45.445
Why do we deny ourselves?
01:32:40.206 --> 01:32:44.127
Every act of preservation
is an act of creation.
01:32:44.794 --> 01:32:47.255
Everything preserved renews creation.
01:32:48.381 --> 01:32:50.508
It's how we participate in creation.
01:33:40.390 --> 01:33:42.433
I have found another form of prayer.
01:34:02.787 --> 01:34:04.038
- Reverend Toller, come on in.
- Hey.
01:34:04.872 --> 01:34:05.998
Close the door.
01:34:07.666 --> 01:34:08.708
Why don't you take a seat?
01:34:12.838 --> 01:34:14.214
We're concerned about you.
01:34:15.424 --> 01:34:16.341
Who is?
01:34:16.800 --> 01:34:17.717
How's your health?
01:34:20.262 --> 01:34:21.596
Well, I'm having some tests.
01:34:22.639 --> 01:34:24.766
Hmm? Have you gotten your results?
01:34:24.850 --> 01:34:25.767
No. No.
01:34:26.893 --> 01:34:28.061
What about your diet?
01:34:28.645 --> 01:34:30.897
You know, I'm gonna be honest,
you just don't look so good.
01:34:32.232 --> 01:34:33.150
I've had some...
01:34:34.860 --> 01:34:36.111
some stomach issues.
01:34:38.113 --> 01:34:39.905
And I understand you've been drinking.
01:34:41.782 --> 01:34:44.326
Hm. What?
01:34:45.244 --> 01:34:46.704
It's just a little wine with dinner.
01:34:46.787 --> 01:34:48.205
- Wine?
- Yeah, yeah.
01:34:49.915 --> 01:34:50.833
Well...
01:34:51.917 --> 01:34:55.504
that's not recommended
for someone who has stomach problems.
01:34:55.588 --> 01:34:56.839
I understand, all right?
01:34:56.922 --> 01:34:58.591
I'll start taking better care of myself.
01:34:59.800 --> 01:35:01.218
You're always in the Garden.
01:35:02.178 --> 01:35:05.598
Even Jesus wasn't always in the Garden
01:35:05.681 --> 01:35:07.349
on his knees, sweating blood.
01:35:08.267 --> 01:35:09.351
He was on the mount.
01:35:10.019 --> 01:35:13.521
He was in the marketplace.
He was in the temple.
01:35:13.605 --> 01:35:16.816
But you, you're always in the Garden.
01:35:16.900 --> 01:35:19.903
For you, every hour is the darkest hour.
01:35:20.612 --> 01:35:23.114
I wasn't aware that I had offended.
01:35:24.240 --> 01:35:25.909
Jesus doesn't want our suffering.
01:35:25.992 --> 01:35:27.660
- He suffered for us.
- Mmm-mmm.
01:35:28.244 --> 01:35:31.664
He wants our commitment and our obedience.
01:35:31.748 --> 01:35:32.999
And what of His creation?
01:35:33.583 --> 01:35:35.418
The Heavens declare the glory of God.
01:35:35.502 --> 01:35:36.836
God is present everywhere,
01:35:36.920 --> 01:35:41.257
in every plant, every river,
every tiny insect.
01:35:41.341 --> 01:35:45.385
The whole world is a manifestation
of his holy presence.
01:35:45.469 --> 01:35:48.805
I think this is an issue
where the church can lead.
01:35:48.889 --> 01:35:50.682
But they say nothing.
01:35:50.766 --> 01:35:51.767
The...
01:35:53.352 --> 01:35:55.812
the U.S. Congress
still denies climate change?
01:35:57.231 --> 01:35:59.650
Where were we when these people were elected?
01:36:00.275 --> 01:36:03.779
The... we know who spoke
for big business. Right?
01:36:03.862 --> 01:36:05.572
But who spoke for God?
01:36:08.325 --> 01:36:13.622
"The creation waits in eager expectation
of liberation from bondage."
01:36:15.957 --> 01:36:18.626
That's Romans 8:23. You understand?
01:36:20.002 --> 01:36:22.672
So we should pollute so God can restore?
01:36:23.089 --> 01:36:25.424
We should sin so God can forgive?
01:36:25.508 --> 01:36:27.718
I don't think that's what the apostle meant.
01:36:27.802 --> 01:36:29.303
I think we're supposed to look
01:36:29.387 --> 01:36:32.223
with the eyes of Jesus into every living...
01:36:32.306 --> 01:36:33.724
You don't live in the real world.
01:36:33.808 --> 01:36:35.226
- I...
- You don't.
01:36:35.309 --> 01:36:38.854
You are a minister
at a tourist church that no one attends.
01:36:38.938 --> 01:36:42.400
Do you have any idea what
it takes to do God's work?
01:36:42.483 --> 01:36:46.695
- I'm trying to...
- To maintain a mission of this size?
01:36:46.778 --> 01:36:49.155
The staffing, the outreach,
01:36:49.239 --> 01:36:51.491
the amount of people that we touch each day.
01:36:52.826 --> 01:36:54.828
Who's that priest that you like so much?
01:36:56.121 --> 01:36:57.831
- Thomas Merton?
- Thomas Merton.
01:36:57.914 --> 01:36:59.791
- He didn't live in the real world either.
- Yes, he did!
01:36:59.874 --> 01:37:01.293
- No. He was a monk who lived...
- He would...
01:37:01.376 --> 01:37:03.962
...in a monastery in Kentucky
and wrote books!
01:37:04.045 --> 01:37:06.047
Well, somebody has to do something!
01:37:06.464 --> 01:37:08.341
It's the earth that hangs in the balance.
01:37:08.425 --> 01:37:11.636
Well what if this is His plan?
What if we just can't see it?
01:37:11.720 --> 01:37:14.097
You think God wants to destroy His creation?
01:37:14.180 --> 01:37:18.350
He did once. For 40 days and 40 nights.
01:37:26.317 --> 01:37:30.154
Look, Abundant Life, we're with you.
01:37:30.237 --> 01:37:31.405
Okay, we care.
01:37:32.489 --> 01:37:33.490
We do.
01:37:33.574 --> 01:37:38.829
And I know this is a hard time for you,
but we're gonna help you with that.
01:37:39.997 --> 01:37:42.458
Once we get through
the reconsecration service,
01:37:42.541 --> 01:37:44.460
you need to go to rehab.
01:37:45.044 --> 01:37:48.005
You need to go check yourself
into a medical institution.
01:37:48.922 --> 01:37:53.760
All right, maybe go to Nicaragua
and preach the gospel or build houses
01:37:53.843 --> 01:37:56.304
but do something in the real world.
01:37:56.971 --> 01:37:59.766
And if you can't do the ceremony,
I'll understand that.
01:37:59.849 --> 01:38:03.436
You're expected to be there, but look, we can
just say that you were sick, which is true.
01:38:03.519 --> 01:38:05.938
No, it's not... it's not about the ceremony.
01:38:06.022 --> 01:38:07.398
All right? I can... I will...
01:38:07.482 --> 01:38:09.484
I want to be there. I have to be there.
01:38:09.567 --> 01:38:12.153
It's my church. It's 250 years.
01:38:12.236 --> 01:38:15.031
I want to be there.
I want to introduce you. Please?
01:38:17.450 --> 01:38:21.662
Well, Ed Balq has decided
that he would like to make comments,
01:38:21.745 --> 01:38:23.372
so the governor will introduce him.
01:38:23.997 --> 01:38:25.624
- Will that be a problem?
- Not at all.
01:38:26.833 --> 01:38:27.751
Not at all.
01:38:28.543 --> 01:38:30.128
Well, good. Good.
01:38:32.047 --> 01:38:34.466
Listen, we'll get
through this reconsecration.
01:38:34.549 --> 01:38:35.926
It'll be special.
01:38:36.718 --> 01:38:39.429
And then we'll deal with these other issues.
01:38:45.102 --> 01:38:46.144
Thank you.
01:39:42.866 --> 01:39:43.867
Thanks.
01:42:42.205 --> 01:42:45.542
- Where is Reverend Toller?
- I'm not sure, ma'am. Inside.
01:44:12.292 --> 01:44:13.419
- Have you seen him?
- No.
01:44:27.016 --> 01:44:28.517
- Where is he?
- I don't know.
01:44:41.697 --> 01:44:42.780
Toller!
01:44:46.124 --> 01:44:47.785
Toller, you in there?
01:45:13.644 --> 01:45:14.811
Begin the service.
01:45:43.006 --> 01:45:47.093
# What a fellowship #
01:45:47.176 --> 01:45:51.514
# What a joy divine #
01:45:51.597 --> 01:45:58.270
# Leaning on the everlasting arms #
01:45:59.605 --> 01:46:03.984
# What a blessedness #
01:46:04.068 --> 01:46:08.239
# What a peace is mine #
01:46:08.322 --> 01:46:14.954
# Leaning on the everlasting arms #
01:46:16.330 --> 01:46:20.083
# Leaning #
01:46:20.166 --> 01:46:23.044
# Leaning #
01:46:23.545 --> 01:46:26.798
# Safe and secure #
01:46:26.881 --> 01:46:31.845
# From all alarms #
01:46:31.928 --> 01:46:35.807
# Leaning #
01:46:35.890 --> 01:46:39.602
# Leaning #
01:46:39.686 --> 01:46:45.984
# Leaning on the everlasting arms #
01:46:47.610 --> 01:46:51.780
# Oh, how to sweet to walk #
01:46:51.864 --> 01:46:55.576
# In this pilgrim way #
01:46:56.076 --> 01:47:02.708
# Leaning on the everlasting arms #
01:47:04.042 --> 01:47:08.088
# Oh, how bright the path #
01:47:08.172 --> 01:47:12.301
# Grows from day-to-day #
01:47:12.384 --> 01:47:18.932
# Leaning on the everlasting arms #
01:47:20.392 --> 01:47:24.103
# Leaning #
01:47:24.187 --> 01:47:27.231
# Leaning #
01:47:28.065 --> 01:47:30.818
# Safe and secure #
01:47:30.902 --> 01:47:35.990
# From all alarms #
01:47:36.073 --> 01:47:39.785
# Leaning #
01:47:39.869 --> 01:47:43.623
# Leaning #
01:47:43.706 --> 01:47:50.129
# Leaning on the everlasting arms #
01:47:51.631 --> 01:47:55.592
# What have I to dread #
01:47:55.675 --> 01:47:59.763
# What have I to fear #
01:47:59.846 --> 01:48:02.599
# Leaning on... #
01:48:03.600 --> 01:48:04.517
Ernst?
01:48:07.604 --> 01:48:11.441
#...I have blessed peace #
01:48:11.524 --> 01:48:14.945
# With my Lord so near #
01:48:15.612 --> 01:48:21.868
# Leaning on the everlasting arms #
01:48:23.203 --> 01:48:26.914
# Leaning #
01:48:26.997 --> 01:48:30.417
# Leaning #
01:48:30.501 --> 01:48:33.587
# Safe and secure #
01:48:33.671 --> 01:48:38.467
# From all alarms #
01:48:38.550 --> 01:48:42.179
# Leaning #
01:48:42.263 --> 01:48:45.891
# Leaning #
01:48:45.975 --> 01:48:52.356
# Leaning on the everlasting arms #
01:48:53.691 --> 01:48:56.985
# Leaning #
01:48:57.568 --> 01:49:00.822
# Leaning #
01:49:01.406 --> 01:49:08.037
# Leaning on the everlasting arms #
01:49:08.913 --> 01:49:12.792
# Leaning #
01:49:12.875 --> 01:49:14.252
# Lean #
01:49:14.276 --> 01:49:34.276
جديدترين اخبار فيلم و سريال در کانال تلگرام و اینستاگرام سايت
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