WEBVTT 00:00:02.671 --> 00:00:22.671 ..:: Presented By ZarFilm Website ::.. ‏.:: www.bolboljan.net ::. 00:02:34.695 --> 00:02:38.491 The seminar will begin in five minutes. 00:02:38.574 --> 00:02:41.369 It will be in room "C." 00:02:41.410 --> 00:02:45.164 So, uh, how about Chow Yun Fat? 00:02:45.248 --> 00:02:48.584 I don't know. I love Chow Yun Fat. 00:02:48.668 --> 00:02:50.878 - I just don't see him playing Madman. - Awesome. 00:02:50.920 --> 00:02:53.339 Thank you. 00:02:58.719 --> 00:03:02.974 "To a really big fan"? 00:03:04.809 --> 00:03:06.769 Uh, you bet. 00:03:06.853 --> 00:03:09.355 I love this book, man. This shit is awesome! 00:03:09.438 --> 00:03:11.357 I wish I was like these guys. Gettin' stoned, 00:03:11.440 --> 00:03:14.986 talkin' all raw about chicks and fightin' supervillains! 00:03:15.069 --> 00:03:18.990 I love these guys! You know what. They're like Bill and Ted... 00:03:19.073 --> 00:03:21.158 meet Cheech and Chong! 00:03:21.242 --> 00:03:23.369 Yeah. I kind of like to think of them... 00:03:23.452 --> 00:03:25.997 as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern meet Vladimir and Estragon. 00:03:26.080 --> 00:03:29.000 Yes! Who? 00:03:30.877 --> 00:03:33.504 So, do you, like, draw this or something? 00:03:36.340 --> 00:03:38.968 I ink it, and I'm also the colorist. The guy next to me draws it. 00:03:39.051 --> 00:03:41.512 But we both came up with the characters. Next! 00:03:41.596 --> 00:03:43.014 What does that mean, you "ink it"? 00:03:43.097 --> 00:03:45.933 Well, it means that Holden draws the pictures in pencil. 00:03:45.975 --> 00:03:48.895 And then he gives it to me to go over in ink. Next! 00:03:48.978 --> 00:03:51.189 So, basically, you just trace. 00:03:51.272 --> 00:03:55.568 It's, uh, it's not tracing, all right? 00:03:55.651 --> 00:03:58.529 I add depth and shading to give the image more definition. 00:03:58.613 --> 00:04:01.449 Only then does the drawing truly take shape. 00:04:01.532 --> 00:04:06.787 No, no, no. You go over what he draws with a pen, all right? That's tracing. 00:04:06.829 --> 00:04:09.707 Not really. Next. 00:04:11.834 --> 00:04:14.670 Hey, man, let me ask you somethin'. 00:04:14.712 --> 00:04:18.090 Somebody draws something and then you draw the exact same thing, 00:04:18.174 --> 00:04:21.719 like, right on top of it without going outside the original designated art. 00:04:21.802 --> 00:04:23.763 What do you call that? 00:04:23.846 --> 00:04:26.432 - I don't know, man. Tracing? - See? 00:04:26.516 --> 00:04:28.017 You want your book signed or what? 00:04:28.100 --> 00:04:30.228 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 00:04:30.311 --> 00:04:34.565 Don't get all testy just because you got a problem with your station in life. 00:04:34.649 --> 00:04:35.983 Oh, I'm secure with what I do. 00:04:36.067 --> 00:04:39.153 Then just say it. You're a tracer. 00:04:39.237 --> 00:04:40.446 How should I sign this? 00:04:40.530 --> 00:04:42.448 I don't want you to sign it, man. 00:04:42.532 --> 00:04:44.784 I want the guy who draws Bluntman & Chronic to sign it. 00:04:44.867 --> 00:04:48.454 - You're just the tracer. - Tell him, little shaver. 00:04:48.538 --> 00:04:52.416 Who do I sign it to? 00:04:52.500 --> 00:04:54.877 You fuckin' tracer! 00:04:54.961 --> 00:04:58.756 I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fuckin' body, you fuck! 00:04:58.840 --> 00:05:00.758 Would you get him outta here? 00:05:00.842 --> 00:05:05.555 Hey, wait a second! He jumped me! You fuckin' tracer! 00:05:05.596 --> 00:05:07.890 Your mother's a tracer! 00:05:07.932 --> 00:05:09.934 Can I explain the audience principle to you? 00:05:09.976 --> 00:05:11.894 If you assault and accost them, then we have no audience. 00:05:11.978 --> 00:05:15.648 He started it, fuckin' cock-knocker! 00:05:15.731 --> 00:05:19.777 He's lucky I didn't put my pen through his thorax! 00:05:19.861 --> 00:05:23.781 Need I remind you? Curtain's in ten minutes. Okay? 00:05:23.865 --> 00:05:27.118 The Word's Up: Minority Voices in Comics panel discussion... 00:05:27.201 --> 00:05:30.371 - All right. - ...is about to begin in room "F." 00:05:30.538 --> 00:05:34.292 For years in this industry... 00:05:34.375 --> 00:05:37.461 whenever an African-American character, hero or villain, 00:05:37.545 --> 00:05:41.799 was introduced, usually, by white artists and writers, 00:05:41.883 --> 00:05:44.927 they got slapped with racist names... 00:05:45.011 --> 00:05:47.471 that singled them out as Negroes. 00:05:49.932 --> 00:05:52.810 Now, my book-- 00:05:52.894 --> 00:05:55.813 White Hatin' Coon-- 00:05:55.897 --> 00:05:57.982 don't have none of that bullshit. 00:05:58.065 --> 00:06:01.110 The hero's name is Maleekwa, a descendant from the black tribe... 00:06:01.152 --> 00:06:04.155 that established the first society on the planet, 00:06:04.238 --> 00:06:07.283 while you European motherfuckers were still hidin' in caves and shit, 00:06:07.366 --> 00:06:09.744 all terrified of the sun. 00:06:09.827 --> 00:06:14.540 He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to, 00:06:14.624 --> 00:06:19.128 The chickens is comin' home to roost, y'all. 00:06:19.170 --> 00:06:23.341 The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in comics and sci-fi fantasy. 00:06:23.424 --> 00:06:28.346 We keepin' it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary. 00:06:28.387 --> 00:06:31.766 Ah, come on! That's a bunch of horseshit! 00:06:31.849 --> 00:06:34.560 Lando Calrissian was a black guy, you know. 00:06:34.644 --> 00:06:37.063 He got to fly the Millennium Falcon. What's the matter with you? 00:06:37.146 --> 00:06:39.774 - Who said that? - I did. 00:06:39.857 --> 00:06:44.153 Lando Calrissian is a positive role model in science-fiction fantasy. 00:06:44.237 --> 00:06:47.281 Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle Tom nigger! 00:06:47.365 --> 00:06:50.409 Always some white boy gotta invoke the holy trilogy. 00:06:50.493 --> 00:06:55.832 Those movies are about how the white man keeps the brother man down... 00:06:55.873 --> 00:06:58.918 even in a galaxy far, far away. 00:06:59.001 --> 00:07:02.880 Check this shit. You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker-- 00:07:02.964 --> 00:07:04.966 Nazi poster boy-- blond hair, blue eyes-- 00:07:05.049 --> 00:07:06.968 and then you got Darth Vader. 00:07:07.051 --> 00:07:09.637 The blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian guy. 00:07:09.720 --> 00:07:13.307 - What's a Nubian? - Shut the fuck up! 00:07:15.476 --> 00:07:18.813 Now, Vader, he's a spiritual brother, you know. 00:07:18.896 --> 00:07:21.107 Down with the force and all that good shit. 00:07:21.190 --> 00:07:24.443 Then this cracker, Skywalker, gets his hands on a light saber, 00:07:24.527 --> 00:07:26.863 and the boy decides he's gonna run the fuckin' universe. 00:07:26.904 --> 00:07:29.824 Gets a whole Klan of whites together. 00:07:29.907 --> 00:07:32.952 And they gonna bust up Vader's hood, the Death Star. 00:07:33.035 --> 00:07:34.954 Now, what the fuck do you call that? 00:07:35.037 --> 00:07:38.332 - Intergalactic civil war? - Gentrification! 00:07:40.209 --> 00:07:43.838 They gonna drive out the black element... 00:07:43.921 --> 00:07:47.008 to make the galaxy "safe" for white folks. 00:07:47.091 --> 00:07:50.720 And Jedi's the most insulting installment! 00:07:50.761 --> 00:07:54.390 Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied... 00:07:54.432 --> 00:07:59.562 when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man. 00:07:59.604 --> 00:08:04.150 They're tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white! 00:08:05.651 --> 00:08:07.820 Well, isn't that true? 00:08:17.288 --> 00:08:18.456 Black rage! 00:08:18.539 --> 00:08:20.666 Black rage! I'll kill any white folks... 00:08:20.750 --> 00:08:25.338 I lay my motherfuckin' eyes on! 00:08:49.862 --> 00:08:53.533 "What's a Nubian?" Bitch, you almost made me laugh. 00:08:53.616 --> 00:08:56.327 Man, what about you? You didn't tell me you were gonna scream, "Black rage!" 00:08:56.410 --> 00:08:58.329 I nearly pissed myself. 00:08:58.412 --> 00:09:00.331 How do you manage to get away with this all the time? 00:09:00.414 --> 00:09:02.959 I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now? 00:09:03.042 --> 00:09:06.921 - Wrong coast. - Well, this here, she full of blanks. 00:09:07.004 --> 00:09:12.426 And, uh, Opiate gets all sorts of legal clearances before I go on. 00:09:12.510 --> 00:09:14.554 So your publisher actually condones these theatrics? 00:09:14.637 --> 00:09:19.058 Condones? Honey, they insist. I need to sell the image to sell the book. 00:09:19.141 --> 00:09:21.352 Would the audience still buy the whole black rage angle... 00:09:21.394 --> 00:09:25.231 if they found out the book was written by a, a--you know. 00:09:25.314 --> 00:09:27.817 - Faggot? - When you say it, it sounds so sexy. 00:09:27.900 --> 00:09:32.947 Hey, hey, hey! I'll play your victim, but not your catcher, all right? 00:09:33.030 --> 00:09:36.534 Hooper, how come you sound like Minister Farrakhan when you're onstage... 00:09:36.617 --> 00:09:39.620 and the king of pop when you're not? 00:09:39.704 --> 00:09:41.622 Look out, boys! This kitten has a whip! 00:09:41.706 --> 00:09:43.624 Always before I get to speak, you dick. 00:09:43.708 --> 00:09:45.751 I swear! Jesus! 00:09:45.835 --> 00:09:48.713 The next con I attend, and they ask me to be on the minority panel, 00:09:48.754 --> 00:09:52.592 if I see your name anywhere near that list, I'm passing! 00:09:52.675 --> 00:09:56.762 Holden, Banky, this pile of P.M.S. is Alyssa Jones. 00:09:56.846 --> 00:09:58.806 She does that book, Idiosyncratic Routine. 00:09:58.890 --> 00:10:04.729 Oh, I've read your book. It's cute. Chick stuff, but cute. What? 00:10:04.770 --> 00:10:07.148 Sorry about him. He's, uh, he's dealing with being an inker. 00:10:07.315 --> 00:10:09.775 Oh. You trace. 00:10:09.859 --> 00:10:15.239 I really like your book. I'm surprised we never met at any other cons before. 00:10:15.323 --> 00:10:17.825 Yeah, well, lose the dick or change the skin tone, 00:10:17.909 --> 00:10:20.912 and we can get to know each other on panel after panel. 00:10:20.995 --> 00:10:25.333 These boys do Bluntman & Chronic, which outsells both of our books put together. 00:10:25.416 --> 00:10:28.836 Hence, they're never on the panel with the likes of us. 00:10:28.920 --> 00:10:30.630 They slummin' it right now. 00:10:31.881 --> 00:10:33.966 I promised Alyssa I'd buy her a post-rave drink. 00:10:34.050 --> 00:10:36.344 Do the Garden Staters have to sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel, 00:10:36.427 --> 00:10:39.222 or can you stay for a round in the big, scary city? 00:10:39.305 --> 00:10:41.390 - We're gonna go-- - We'll take-- 00:10:44.018 --> 00:10:46.687 We'll go. 00:10:49.398 --> 00:10:51.359 Archie. All right? 00:10:51.400 --> 00:10:54.987 Archie and the Riverdale gang were a pure and fun-lovin' bunch. 00:10:55.071 --> 00:10:58.950 You can't find dysfunction in those comics. They were flat-out wholesome. 00:10:59.033 --> 00:11:01.869 - Archie and Jughead were lovers. - Shut the fuck up! 00:11:01.911 --> 00:11:06.207 It's true. Archie was the bitch, and Jughead was the butch. 00:11:06.290 --> 00:11:09.836 That's why Jughead wears that crown-lookin' hat all the time. 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:12.964 He the king of Queen Archie's world. 00:11:13.047 --> 00:11:14.966 Man, I feel a hate crime comin' on. 00:11:15.049 --> 00:11:17.385 Well, you know, he does have a point. 00:11:17.426 --> 00:11:19.512 I mean, Archie never did quite settle on Betty or Veronica. 00:11:19.595 --> 00:11:22.640 'Cause he wanted them both at the same time, you assholes! 00:11:22.723 --> 00:11:26.060 He didn't choose one, because he was trying to get them into a three-way. 00:11:26.143 --> 00:11:29.522 - Here. - What? 00:11:29.605 --> 00:11:33.526 I want you to go down to the corner store and buy yourself a clue. 00:11:33.609 --> 00:11:36.028 - Go on. - Eat it, Urkel. 00:11:36.112 --> 00:11:39.198 Uh! I done told you to watch it with that Urkel shit. 00:11:39.282 --> 00:11:42.326 Face it, girl. Archie's a sister. 00:11:45.079 --> 00:11:49.208 - That's it. You! - Moi? 00:11:49.292 --> 00:11:53.129 Yeah, you. You are marching back across the street with me, 00:11:53.212 --> 00:11:55.923 and we're gonna pick up a shitload of Archie books. 00:11:55.965 --> 00:11:58.885 And I'm going to prove to you beyond the shadow of a doubt... 00:11:58.968 --> 00:12:01.470 that Archie is all about pussy. 00:12:01.554 --> 00:12:03.472 Come on! 00:12:03.514 --> 00:12:05.766 This boy is conflicted. 00:12:07.268 --> 00:12:09.729 I shall play mother therapist for him. 00:12:09.812 --> 00:12:13.065 You two sit tight. We shall return promptly. 00:12:16.402 --> 00:12:18.779 Is he always like that? 00:12:18.863 --> 00:12:22.116 Who, him? Yeah. Ever since the third grade. 00:12:22.200 --> 00:12:25.203 This, uh, this nun was teaching us about the Blessed Trinity, you know? 00:12:25.286 --> 00:12:28.289 She was going on and on about the three persons in one God thing. 00:12:28.372 --> 00:12:30.416 Father, Son, the Holy Spirit. 00:12:30.500 --> 00:12:34.128 Banky just goes ballistic on her. They got in this huge fight. 00:12:34.212 --> 00:12:37.798 An eight-year-old kid? How bad could it have been? 00:12:37.882 --> 00:12:40.927 Well, have you ever seen a nun call a small child a "fucking cunt-rag"? 00:12:41.010 --> 00:12:43.971 It wasn't pretty. Shit like that's bound to happen... 00:12:44.055 --> 00:12:47.016 when you make a kid wear a matching tie and slacks every day. 00:12:47.099 --> 00:12:51.479 Right. And your parochial school misadventures? 00:12:51.521 --> 00:12:55.316 Oh, mostly limited to wine-tasting prior to mass. 00:12:55.358 --> 00:12:57.902 Turned me into a grade school alcoholic altar boy though. 00:12:57.985 --> 00:13:00.112 Can't tell you how many mornings after serious benders... 00:13:00.196 --> 00:13:02.532 I'd wake up next to strange priests. 00:13:02.615 --> 00:13:05.451 - Aren't you the sharp wit? - Sharp? No. 00:13:05.535 --> 00:13:08.496 I'm just a fan of clergy-molestation humor. 00:13:08.579 --> 00:13:13.626 Probably why the extended family quit inviting me to first communion parties. 00:13:15.878 --> 00:13:18.422 - Tsk. - You play darts? 00:13:18.506 --> 00:13:23.094 Uh, not professionally. You know, only in bars. 00:13:23.177 --> 00:13:25.346 I don't know. 00:13:25.429 --> 00:13:29.433 Maybe I should just sign one of those exclusive deals like you guys. 00:13:29.517 --> 00:13:31.435 Your new book seems to be selling like mad. 00:13:31.519 --> 00:13:36.232 Well, it all goes back to somethin' my grandmother told me when I was a kid. 00:13:36.315 --> 00:13:40.611 "Holden," she said, "the big bucks are in dick and fart jokes." 00:13:40.695 --> 00:13:43.030 - She was a churchgoer. - Oh! 00:13:43.072 --> 00:13:47.076 The cry from the heart of a real artist trapped in commercial hell, 00:13:47.159 --> 00:13:49.579 pitying his good fortune. 00:13:49.662 --> 00:13:53.040 I'm sure you can dry your eyes on all those fat checks you rake in. 00:13:53.082 --> 00:13:57.211 Oh, I'm sorry. What was that? Did I detect a note of bitter envy in there? 00:13:57.253 --> 00:14:00.131 No, I'm happy my stuff gets read at all. 00:14:00.214 --> 00:14:02.383 There's very little market for hearts and flowers... 00:14:02.466 --> 00:14:06.596 in this spandex-clad, big pecs, big tits, big guns field. 00:14:06.679 --> 00:14:09.765 If I sell two issues, I feel like John Grisham. 00:14:09.849 --> 00:14:11.809 Well, it's all about marketing. 00:14:11.893 --> 00:14:16.898 Over-or under-weight guys that don't get laid. They're our bread and butter. 00:14:16.981 --> 00:14:20.234 People like those two outside should be yours. 00:14:20.276 --> 00:14:23.237 And sadly, there are more of our core audience. 00:14:23.279 --> 00:14:26.908 Kind of gives you a charge though. See two people like that in love. 00:14:26.949 --> 00:14:29.285 And all over Banky's car, no less. 00:14:29.327 --> 00:14:32.038 You know, that car's seeing more action right now than it's seen in years. 00:14:32.121 --> 00:14:36.751 - Bubbly guy like that? It's hard to figure out why. - Yeah. 00:14:36.834 --> 00:14:39.962 You gotta respect that kind of display of affection. You know what I mean? 00:14:40.046 --> 00:14:42.590 Sure, it's crazy. It's rude. It's self-absorbed. 00:14:42.673 --> 00:14:45.927 But, uh, you know, it's love. 00:14:45.968 --> 00:14:48.971 - It's not love. - Oh, says you. 00:14:49.013 --> 00:14:52.016 That out there? That's fleeting. 00:14:52.099 --> 00:14:55.228 - Fleeting? - Mm-hmm. Well, I gotta split. 00:14:55.311 --> 00:14:58.940 It was really nice meeting you. Good luck with your book. 00:14:58.981 --> 00:15:03.819 Tell Hooper I'll call him later. And... tell your friend to calm down. 00:15:09.492 --> 00:15:11.953 Shut up already. 00:15:11.994 --> 00:15:14.747 You shut up! You're insane. 00:15:14.831 --> 00:15:17.583 Archie is not fucking Mr. Weatherbee! 00:15:17.667 --> 00:15:21.128 Deny, deny, deny. 00:15:21.170 --> 00:15:25.174 - Where's Alyssa? - She left, said she'd call you later. 00:15:25.258 --> 00:15:27.927 Look, he's just offering to help Archie with his fuckin' homework! 00:15:28.010 --> 00:15:30.304 Read between the lines, bitch. 00:15:30.346 --> 00:15:33.683 Fuck this. Let's go. Traffic. 00:15:33.724 --> 00:15:36.310 - Holden! - What? 00:15:36.352 --> 00:15:40.481 - Let's go! - See that dent in the hood of your car? 00:15:40.523 --> 00:15:42.358 Son of a bitch! 00:15:46.779 --> 00:15:49.824 Let me guess. You like her. 00:15:49.907 --> 00:15:52.326 - Who? - Miss Alyssa Jones. 00:15:55.204 --> 00:15:58.875 - She's all right. - As long as that's all. 00:16:23.399 --> 00:16:26.319 This is one of the best streetlights you've ever drawn. 00:16:26.402 --> 00:16:28.529 It's the one from across the street from the post office. 00:16:28.571 --> 00:16:31.365 - Looks just like it. - Thanks. 00:16:31.407 --> 00:16:34.869 So, uh, what do you want to do tonight? 00:16:34.952 --> 00:16:38.331 I don't know. Get a pizza. Watch Degrassi Junior High. 00:16:38.414 --> 00:16:41.125 You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama. 00:16:41.209 --> 00:16:43.836 I got a weird thing for girls who say "aboot." 00:16:43.920 --> 00:16:48.132 Bank Holdup. 00:16:48.216 --> 00:16:53.429 Hooper here. Listen, I know how you 'burb fiends hate the city, 00:16:53.471 --> 00:16:56.891 but there's a club shindig goin' down tonight I think you'd really get into. 00:16:56.974 --> 00:17:00.770 - Where is it? - Meow Mix. I'm temping as barkeep. 00:17:00.853 --> 00:17:04.023 Oh, I don't know, Hoop. 00:17:04.106 --> 00:17:06.943 We're prepping the next issue. We got that stupid meeting in the morning. 00:17:06.984 --> 00:17:09.946 - I told her you wouldn't be interested. - Told who? 00:17:11.239 --> 00:17:12.949 Alyssa. 00:17:13.032 --> 00:17:14.992 Alyssa from last night Alyssa? 00:17:15.076 --> 00:17:17.411 How do you begin and end a question with the same word like that? 00:17:17.495 --> 00:17:20.414 You got skill. Yes, that one! 00:17:20.498 --> 00:17:22.917 She asked me to invite you. Now, here's the part where you say-- 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:28.339 - I'll be there. - Thought so. 10:00. Later. 00:17:28.422 --> 00:17:33.636 - Who was that? - Hooper. He invited me to a club. 00:17:33.719 --> 00:17:37.348 Man, when's that faggot gonna learn? You like chicks. 00:17:37.431 --> 00:17:40.476 - Not that kind of club. - So when we leavin'? 00:17:40.560 --> 00:17:44.689 We? You can't go. He's hookin' me up with Alyssa. 00:17:44.772 --> 00:17:48.150 - And? - And I don't want you messing it up. 00:17:48.234 --> 00:17:51.612 I care about your shit. Maybe I'll hook up myself. 00:17:51.696 --> 00:17:53.990 I told you. It's not that kind of club. 00:17:55.074 --> 00:17:58.161 How does one man get to be so funny? 00:17:58.202 --> 00:18:02.623 Look, how you gonna get home when I hook up, huh? 00:18:02.707 --> 00:18:07.086 - Like that'll happen. - Let me explain, my witless chum. 00:18:07.170 --> 00:18:09.505 The other night, we two, Alyssa and I, 00:18:09.547 --> 00:18:12.008 we, uh, well, we shared a moment. 00:18:12.049 --> 00:18:15.344 - Oh, you had a moment. - No. 00:18:15.386 --> 00:18:18.139 We shared a moment, all right? 00:18:18.222 --> 00:18:23.644 And in that moment, one thing was made abundantly clear. 00:18:23.728 --> 00:18:27.148 This girl loves me, my friend. 00:18:27.231 --> 00:18:30.943 Loves me. You know what I'm sayin'? 00:18:31.027 --> 00:18:33.487 Ah, who's your daddy now 00:18:33.571 --> 00:18:35.865 Come on. Mmm. 00:18:35.907 --> 00:18:37.867 - Ah - Shut up! 00:18:37.909 --> 00:18:41.704 It's your birthday It's your birthday 00:18:41.871 --> 00:18:46.250 Go, Sheila, it's your birthday Go, Sheila, it's your birthday 00:18:46.292 --> 00:18:49.545 All right. Bring on the free hootch. 00:18:49.629 --> 00:18:53.216 Free? I didn't invite your tired ass. So, where's your better half? 00:18:53.299 --> 00:18:56.385 Takin' a piss. The guy's got a bladder like an infant. 00:18:56.469 --> 00:18:59.263 That's funny. He says you're hung like an infant. 00:18:59.347 --> 00:19:02.058 Does his mother tell him everything? 00:19:02.099 --> 00:19:04.852 - Hey! - What'd you do, fall in love? 00:19:04.936 --> 00:19:06.938 - Where is she? - Over there. 00:19:07.063 --> 00:19:12.109 Look at her in her net shirt. Been dancin' for an hour. Hasn't stopped yet. 00:19:12.193 --> 00:19:15.154 She ain't no Deney Terrio, I'll say that. 00:19:15.238 --> 00:19:19.200 Listen, if I'm not back by Tuesday, call my mother. All right? 00:19:19.242 --> 00:19:22.912 Wait, wait, wait, wait. There's somethin' you should know. 00:19:22.995 --> 00:19:25.665 - She got a boyfriend? - Well, no. 00:19:25.706 --> 00:19:30.044 Then what's to know, my friend? What's to know? 00:19:39.387 --> 00:19:42.265 Hey, lady! You fucked up my cabbage patch! 00:19:42.348 --> 00:19:46.853 Well, well, well, if it isn't Bluntman himself, or should I call you Chronic? 00:19:46.936 --> 00:19:51.065 Call me flattered. I heard you sent me the invite to this little soiree. 00:19:51.148 --> 00:19:54.819 From a former hometown girl to Mr. Hometown himself. 00:19:54.902 --> 00:19:57.530 - You're saying you're from the 'burbs? - Middletown, New Jersey 00:19:57.572 --> 00:20:00.908 - Get outta here! I'm from Highlands! - I know. Hooper told me. 00:20:00.950 --> 00:20:02.910 How is it that we never ran into one another? 00:20:02.952 --> 00:20:04.912 - Did you graduate from Hudson? - Yeah, '88. 00:20:04.954 --> 00:20:08.040 - I went to North. - What a small fuckin' world. 00:20:08.082 --> 00:20:10.418 - So you know the tri-town area? - Quiz me. 00:20:10.459 --> 00:20:12.461 - Miller Hill? - I wrote my name on the wall. 00:20:12.545 --> 00:20:15.214 - Sandy Hook? - Lost my virginity there. 00:20:15.256 --> 00:20:18.593 - This is so cool. The mall? - Eton preppy or Menlo Park? 00:20:18.676 --> 00:20:21.929 Oh, no. Here's the big test. Quick Stop? 00:20:22.013 --> 00:20:24.932 My best friend fucked a dead guy in the bathroom. 00:20:24.974 --> 00:20:28.060 - You know that girl? - I did, before she was committed. 00:20:30.813 --> 00:20:34.108 There's a lot of chicks in this place. 00:20:34.192 --> 00:20:38.237 Chicks? You're such a man. 00:20:38.321 --> 00:20:41.282 You know what this is? This is fate. 00:20:41.365 --> 00:20:45.536 No, this is "The Rog." 00:20:45.620 --> 00:20:48.164 I'm talking about us meeting. What are the chances? 00:20:48.247 --> 00:20:51.959 Pretty slim. I haven't been back to the 'burbs since my friend's funeral. 00:20:52.001 --> 00:20:54.921 - The Quick Stop girl died? - Uh-uh. Another girl. 00:20:55.004 --> 00:20:57.548 - Julie Dwyer. She died in the-- - The YMCA pool! Damn! 00:20:57.632 --> 00:20:59.884 - You knew her too? - So well. 00:20:59.967 --> 00:21:03.346 Wow! One friend in the asylum, the other friend in the grave. 00:21:03.429 --> 00:21:06.349 - You're a dangerous person to know. - Ah, but I can tap. 00:21:08.518 --> 00:21:11.354 - That's the Buffalo two-step. - Yeah, well, it's very solid. 00:21:11.437 --> 00:21:14.315 That's what six years of tap lessons yields. 00:21:14.357 --> 00:21:17.693 Two towns away from each other for years, we had to meet in New York. 00:21:17.777 --> 00:21:21.280 Could have been worse. Could have not met at all. 00:21:26.911 --> 00:21:29.789 Okay, we're back. 00:21:29.872 --> 00:21:31.958 Thank you. Thank you. 00:21:32.041 --> 00:21:35.044 So, a long time ago, we used to have this bass player, 00:21:35.127 --> 00:21:38.464 who took off one day to draw funny books or something. 00:21:38.548 --> 00:21:41.634 Maybe you've heard of her stuff? Idiosyncratic Routine? 00:21:45.096 --> 00:21:47.348 But what a lot of people don't know... 00:21:47.431 --> 00:21:50.351 is that she used to harbor these delusions that she could sing, 00:21:50.434 --> 00:21:54.480 and she used to subject us to throaty renditions of Debbie Gibson tunes. 00:21:56.899 --> 00:22:00.444 So, she's here tonight, and I think if we all beg her... 00:22:00.528 --> 00:22:03.197 or maybe offer her some "X," 00:22:03.239 --> 00:22:05.825 she'll come up here and treat us to some of her vocal stylings. 00:22:05.908 --> 00:22:07.827 What do ya say, Alyssa? 00:22:07.910 --> 00:22:10.872 Yeah! 00:22:10.913 --> 00:22:14.542 Oh, she's shy! 00:22:14.625 --> 00:22:17.503 Get up here and sing, bitch! 00:22:17.587 --> 00:22:21.382 All right! Go. Go up there. 00:22:21.424 --> 00:22:23.384 Whoo! 00:22:23.426 --> 00:22:27.722 Whoo! Yea! 00:22:27.805 --> 00:22:32.351 What am I doing here? This is so fucking gay. 00:22:36.063 --> 00:22:39.942 She is such a cunt. 00:22:39.984 --> 00:22:43.946 You guys know the one I wanna do, right? 00:22:43.988 --> 00:22:47.116 All right. I should dedicate this, right? 00:22:48.868 --> 00:22:53.206 This is for that someone special out there. 00:22:53.289 --> 00:22:55.708 Ready? 00:22:55.791 --> 00:23:00.421 I'm feelin' awful 00:23:00.463 --> 00:23:03.841 But all alone 00:23:03.925 --> 00:23:08.429 Just missin' someone 00:23:08.471 --> 00:23:12.225 I don't even know 00:23:12.308 --> 00:23:15.937 But until I find him 00:23:15.978 --> 00:23:19.899 I'll wait patiently 00:23:19.982 --> 00:23:24.737 Just feelin' nothin' 00:23:24.820 --> 00:23:27.615 Inside of me 00:23:27.657 --> 00:23:31.577 And where are you, baby 00:23:31.661 --> 00:23:34.580 Where can you be 00:23:34.664 --> 00:23:39.377 Why aren't you here 00:23:39.460 --> 00:23:42.463 Lovin' me 00:23:42.547 --> 00:23:46.259 'Cause I want to kiss you 00:23:46.342 --> 00:23:50.346 And make you feel right 00:23:50.429 --> 00:23:53.975 I want to lay with you 00:23:54.016 --> 00:23:57.311 All through the night 00:23:57.353 --> 00:24:01.148 And I wanna feel passion I wanna feel pain 00:24:01.190 --> 00:24:04.777 I wanna weep at the sound of your name 00:24:04.861 --> 00:24:08.322 Come make me laugh or come make me cry 00:24:08.406 --> 00:24:15.329 Just make me feel alive 00:24:15.371 --> 00:24:19.083 And so I'll wait 00:24:19.167 --> 00:24:22.712 For that glorious day 00:24:22.795 --> 00:24:25.965 When the one I dream of 00:24:26.048 --> 00:24:30.511 Comes my way 00:24:30.595 --> 00:24:34.098 And when our lips touch 00:24:34.182 --> 00:24:37.935 So tenderly 00:24:38.019 --> 00:24:42.273 I know I'll feel somethin' 00:24:42.356 --> 00:24:48.112 Inside of me 00:24:48.196 --> 00:24:52.450 I wanna feel passion I wanna feel pain 00:24:52.533 --> 00:24:56.037 I wanna weep at the sound of your name 00:24:56.120 --> 00:24:59.499 Come make me laugh or come make me cry 00:24:59.582 --> 00:25:03.794 Just make me feel 00:25:03.878 --> 00:25:07.173 Alive 00:25:09.884 --> 00:25:12.887 Yeah! Whoo! 00:25:16.224 --> 00:25:19.185 Whoo! 00:26:04.647 --> 00:26:06.566 Hot! 00:26:10.695 --> 00:26:15.491 Now, that, my friend, is a shared moment. 00:26:31.591 --> 00:26:33.342 - What? - It's rude. 00:26:33.426 --> 00:26:37.096 When are we gonna get a chance to see this shit live without payin' for it? 00:26:38.931 --> 00:26:43.603 - Sorry. It's just new to him. - Oh, and you're an old hand at this? 00:26:43.686 --> 00:26:48.733 No, no, I should apologize. I don't normally get all mushy in public, 00:26:48.816 --> 00:26:51.861 but it's been a while since I've seen Kim here. 00:26:51.944 --> 00:26:54.280 You know what? I wanna dance. 00:26:54.363 --> 00:26:56.699 Go ahead. I'll watch from here. 00:26:56.782 --> 00:26:59.410 No! I wanna dance with you! 00:26:59.494 --> 00:27:03.956 Don't be a rag. I have to sit here and work up the desire to fuck you later. 00:27:05.708 --> 00:27:08.461 Please! 00:27:13.382 --> 00:27:14.300 Yes? 00:27:14.383 --> 00:27:16.719 You said "fuck." She said "fuck." 00:27:16.802 --> 00:27:19.096 You said "fuck" to that girl. You said that you'd fuck her. 00:27:19.180 --> 00:27:21.933 - And? - How can a girl fuck another girl? 00:27:21.974 --> 00:27:23.935 Were you talking about strap-ons or something? 00:27:23.976 --> 00:27:25.937 - Oh, Jesus. Would you shut up? - What? 00:27:25.978 --> 00:27:27.396 It's okay. 00:27:27.480 --> 00:27:30.274 I don't know how many times I can apologize for him. 00:27:30.316 --> 00:27:33.903 No, Banky, I've never used a strap-on. 00:27:33.986 --> 00:27:35.905 Then what's with saying "fuck"? 00:27:35.988 --> 00:27:40.618 Shouldn't you say "eat her out" or modify the term "fuck" with "fist"? 00:27:40.660 --> 00:27:44.831 Let me ask you a question. Can men fuck each other? 00:27:44.914 --> 00:27:48.918 - You asking for my permission? - In your estimation. 00:27:49.001 --> 00:27:51.003 Sure. 00:27:51.087 --> 00:27:54.549 So, for you, to fuck is to penetrate. 00:27:54.632 --> 00:27:57.510 You're used to the more traditional definition. 00:27:57.593 --> 00:28:01.305 You, inside some girl you've duped, jackhammerin' away, 00:28:01.347 --> 00:28:03.349 not noticing that bored look in her eyes. 00:28:03.391 --> 00:28:07.979 Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes, all right? 00:28:08.062 --> 00:28:11.524 Fucking is not limited to penetration, Banky. 00:28:11.607 --> 00:28:16.028 For me, it describes any sex when it's not totally about love. 00:28:16.112 --> 00:28:19.031 I don't love Kim, but I'll fuck her. 00:28:19.073 --> 00:28:21.033 I'm sure you don't love every girl you sleep with. 00:28:21.075 --> 00:28:23.161 Some of them I downright loathe. 00:28:23.244 --> 00:28:26.664 Aha, but I'll bet it's different with the ones you do love. 00:28:26.706 --> 00:28:28.666 Like, you'll go down on 'em longer. 00:28:28.708 --> 00:28:30.334 - Here we go. - I don't do that. 00:28:30.376 --> 00:28:33.588 - What? - I stopped. It got to be frustrating. 00:28:33.671 --> 00:28:37.300 As stupid as you usually come off during this little diatribe of yours, 00:28:37.383 --> 00:28:39.468 you're gonna come off ten times as stupid on this occasion. 00:28:39.552 --> 00:28:42.513 I lost my tolerance for the baggage that comes with eating girls out. 00:28:42.555 --> 00:28:44.515 What's the big deal? 00:28:44.557 --> 00:28:47.351 If you say the smell, so help me, I will slug you. 00:28:47.393 --> 00:28:49.437 Not the smell. The smell is good. 00:28:49.520 --> 00:28:52.190 I'm talkin' about not being able to do it properly. 00:28:52.231 --> 00:28:54.192 My mother brought me up to believe... 00:28:54.233 --> 00:28:56.986 if I can't do something right, I shouldn't do it at all. 00:28:57.069 --> 00:29:00.573 Of course, my father told me she gave lousy head, but that's beside the point. 00:29:00.656 --> 00:29:04.076 Well, at least you blame yourself for your sexual inadequacies. 00:29:04.160 --> 00:29:06.370 No. I blame them. 00:29:06.454 --> 00:29:11.209 Chicks never help you out. They never tell you what to do, right? 00:29:11.250 --> 00:29:14.879 And most of them are all self-conscious about the smell factor. 00:29:14.962 --> 00:29:19.425 And, so, most of the time, they just lay there frozen like a deer in headlights. 00:29:19.509 --> 00:29:22.136 I mean, not for nothin', but when a chick goes down on me, 00:29:22.220 --> 00:29:25.306 I let her know where to go and what the status is. 00:29:25.389 --> 00:29:29.393 You gotta handle it like CNN and the Weather Channel. 00:29:29.477 --> 00:29:31.604 Constant updates. 00:29:31.687 --> 00:29:33.856 You are such an idiot. 00:29:33.940 --> 00:29:37.401 No, no, he's got a point. I mean, that's how I was in high school. 00:29:37.443 --> 00:29:41.072 You know, all nervous and inhibited about being eaten out. 00:29:41.155 --> 00:29:44.617 But by the time I got to college, that all changed. 00:29:44.700 --> 00:29:46.786 I've loosened up. 00:29:46.869 --> 00:29:49.413 I was like one of those guys at the airport with those big flashlights, 00:29:49.455 --> 00:29:53.417 wavin' 'em this way, directin' 'em that way, tellin' 'em when to stop. 00:29:53.459 --> 00:29:56.921 And that's all I'm sayin'. It would be different if chicks helped out. 00:29:57.004 --> 00:29:59.465 You know, pointed a guy in the right direction. 00:29:59.507 --> 00:30:04.971 There'd be no bullshit, no wasted time and no chance for permanent injuries. 00:30:05.012 --> 00:30:06.973 Permanent injuries? 00:30:07.014 --> 00:30:10.601 Sure. You wanna see somethin' permanent? 00:30:10.685 --> 00:30:12.812 - See that? - Uh-huh. 00:30:12.895 --> 00:30:15.648 I got that from Nina Rollins, sophomore year. 00:30:15.731 --> 00:30:17.650 I'm goin' down on her, right? 00:30:17.733 --> 00:30:19.986 Out of nowhere, her cat jumps on her. 00:30:20.027 --> 00:30:25.449 She does this big pelvic thrust, cracks my tooth and sends it down my throat. 00:30:25.491 --> 00:30:28.494 I had to get a crown for the stub. 00:30:29.829 --> 00:30:32.957 I got that beat. I got that beat. 00:30:32.999 --> 00:30:37.879 Junior year, I'm goin' down on Cynthia Slater in her dorm room. 00:30:37.962 --> 00:30:43.176 I'm totally drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall asleep right in her lap. 00:30:43.217 --> 00:30:45.178 She got so mad, she digs her heel into my back. 00:30:45.219 --> 00:30:49.515 - Ow! - Right there. That's permanent. 00:30:49.599 --> 00:30:53.311 All right. All right. See this? 00:30:55.354 --> 00:30:57.857 That's the farthest I can move my neck to the right. 00:30:57.899 --> 00:31:02.028 Again, sophomore year, I'm goin' out with Brandy Svining. 00:31:02.111 --> 00:31:05.907 And for six months, I'm goin' down on her. Not a damn thing's happening. 00:31:05.990 --> 00:31:09.702 So, one night, I change a position or vary my lapping speed, 00:31:09.744 --> 00:31:13.956 and suddenly it's a whole new world. 00:31:14.040 --> 00:31:17.001 She's movin' around, convulsing, breathing heavy, 00:31:17.043 --> 00:31:19.712 and her legs are pressed up against my ears so tightly... 00:31:19.754 --> 00:31:23.674 that I don't hear her father come into the room. 00:31:23.716 --> 00:31:26.844 He grabs my hair and pulls me way back, hard. 00:31:31.599 --> 00:31:34.727 Senior year, spring formal. 00:31:34.810 --> 00:31:37.730 I'm eatin' out Missy Kurt in her brother's car. 00:31:37.813 --> 00:31:42.276 She's layin' across the backseat. I'm half hangin' out, knees on the ground. 00:31:42.360 --> 00:31:47.240 She's flailin' around, and she-- she knocks the parking brake off. 00:31:47.281 --> 00:31:51.702 The car starts rolling down the hill. 00:31:51.786 --> 00:31:54.914 And my left knee is cut up to shit... 00:31:54.997 --> 00:32:00.586 like a kiddy's scissors class cut it up for paper dolls! 00:32:15.810 --> 00:32:17.770 Whoa! Hey! Look at the time. 00:32:17.854 --> 00:32:19.772 We gotta-- We gotta beat that traffic, huh? 00:32:19.856 --> 00:32:22.108 What traffic? It's 1:30 in the morning. 00:32:22.149 --> 00:32:25.695 And rush hour starts in six hours. Let's go. 00:32:25.778 --> 00:32:30.074 Uh, thanks for inviting us out. It was educational. 00:32:30.158 --> 00:32:32.076 Come on. 00:32:37.248 --> 00:32:39.167 Since you like chicks, right, 00:32:39.250 --> 00:32:41.919 you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time? 00:32:51.179 --> 00:32:53.139 Look, here's the deal. 00:32:53.181 --> 00:32:55.600 When we get in there, don't be a complete Potzer, like last night. 00:32:55.683 --> 00:32:57.643 This is business now, okay? 00:32:57.685 --> 00:33:02.023 Oh, why are you in such a bad mood? Still dwelling on that dyke? 00:33:02.106 --> 00:33:04.233 - Hey, knock it off, will you? - What'd I tell you? 00:33:04.317 --> 00:33:06.819 She just needs the right guy. 00:33:06.903 --> 00:33:11.741 All every woman really wants is some serious deep-dicking. 00:33:11.824 --> 00:33:15.328 Sorry. 00:33:16.913 --> 00:33:19.874 See, that's why I can't buy lesbians. 00:33:19.916 --> 00:33:22.126 Everyone needs dick. 00:33:22.210 --> 00:33:24.837 See, I can buy fags, a bunch of guys that need dick. 00:33:24.879 --> 00:33:27.757 You know, just plain need it. That I get. 00:33:27.840 --> 00:33:31.677 Dykes? Bullshit posturing. 00:33:31.719 --> 00:33:34.096 But, live and let live, I guess. 00:33:34.180 --> 00:33:37.016 I'm sure the gay community appreciates your support. 00:33:37.058 --> 00:33:41.020 We'd like to start off by saying that it is a real pleasure to finally meet you. 00:33:41.062 --> 00:33:43.356 Absolute pleasure. 00:33:43.397 --> 00:33:46.275 One of the reasons we started this whole thing was to finally meet the guys... 00:33:46.359 --> 00:33:48.694 that do Bluntman & Chronic. 00:33:48.778 --> 00:33:50.738 - Snootchie bootchies! - Huh? 00:33:50.780 --> 00:33:54.158 Which now brings us to our proposal. 00:33:54.242 --> 00:33:56.911 Look, fellas, the days of Butt-Head are over. 00:33:56.994 --> 00:34:01.666 We're interested in doing 12 half-hour Bluntman & Chronic cartoons. 00:34:01.749 --> 00:34:04.293 What do you say? 00:34:04.418 --> 00:34:06.879 Are we in business? 00:34:10.466 --> 00:34:12.593 The boy wonder. 00:34:12.677 --> 00:34:17.390 Batman and Robin, the dynamic duo against crime and corruption. 00:34:17.473 --> 00:34:20.393 Yeah, hi. Somebody told me they make comic books here, 00:34:20.434 --> 00:34:24.063 which is so weird, because I have this great idea for a story. 00:34:24.146 --> 00:34:27.358 It's about a guy who comes to this club and-- 00:34:27.441 --> 00:34:29.527 hightails it when he finds out-- 00:34:29.610 --> 00:34:31.195 Ready for this? 00:34:33.447 --> 00:34:36.242 This girl is gay. 00:34:38.369 --> 00:34:42.415 Any interest in a story like that? 00:34:42.498 --> 00:34:44.625 - An animated series? - Twelve episodes. 00:34:44.709 --> 00:34:48.087 - Well, that's great, isn't it? - Banky seems to think so. 00:34:48.171 --> 00:34:50.715 - But you don't. - Well, I-- 00:34:50.798 --> 00:34:53.759 I don't know if that's the perception I want people to have of our work. 00:34:53.843 --> 00:34:55.928 I know this sounds pretentious as hell, but... 00:34:56.012 --> 00:34:58.139 I'd like to think of us as artists, you know? 00:34:58.222 --> 00:35:01.267 I'd like to get back to doing something more personal, like our first book. 00:35:01.309 --> 00:35:04.770 Well, when are you gonna do that? 00:35:04.812 --> 00:35:08.232 When we have something personal to say. 00:35:08.316 --> 00:35:10.776 I weirded you out the other night. 00:35:10.860 --> 00:35:13.613 Uh, no, not really. 00:35:13.696 --> 00:35:16.699 - Oh, come on! - Well, it's just-- 00:35:16.782 --> 00:35:18.993 I'd never seen that kind of thing up close and personal before. 00:35:19.076 --> 00:35:21.037 It just took a while to process. 00:35:21.120 --> 00:35:23.122 You wanna talk about it? 00:35:23.206 --> 00:35:25.291 If you want to. 00:35:25.374 --> 00:35:28.169 I like you, Holden. 00:35:28.252 --> 00:35:30.546 I haven't liked a man in a long time. 00:35:30.630 --> 00:35:35.301 And it's not because I'm a man-hater or something like that. 00:35:35.343 --> 00:35:38.971 It's just been some time since I've been exposed to a man that didn't... 00:35:39.055 --> 00:35:42.600 immediately live into a stereotype of some sort. 00:35:42.683 --> 00:35:45.311 And I want you to feel comfortable with me, 00:35:45.353 --> 00:35:48.356 because I'd really like us to be friends. 00:35:48.439 --> 00:35:51.859 So if there's anything you wanna know, it's okay to ask me. 00:35:51.901 --> 00:35:55.154 - Okay. - Okay. 00:35:55.196 --> 00:35:58.491 Okay. Why girls? 00:36:00.201 --> 00:36:03.412 - Why men? - Well, because that's the standard. 00:36:03.496 --> 00:36:06.499 If that's the only reason you're attracted to women-- 00:36:06.582 --> 00:36:08.668 No, it's more than that. 00:36:08.709 --> 00:36:10.837 So you've never been curious about men? 00:36:10.920 --> 00:36:15.383 Curious? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw, but-- 00:36:15.424 --> 00:36:17.677 - You know what I mean. - No. 00:36:17.718 --> 00:36:19.679 - Why not? - No interest. 00:36:19.720 --> 00:36:22.515 - Because? - Girls feel right. 00:36:22.557 --> 00:36:26.894 Well, that's how I feel. You know, I've never really been attracted to men. 00:36:26.936 --> 00:36:30.523 - Well, so, you're still a virgin then? - No. 00:36:30.565 --> 00:36:32.525 But you've only been with girls. 00:36:32.567 --> 00:36:34.527 So you're saying a person is a virgin... 00:36:34.569 --> 00:36:37.572 until they've had intercourse with a member of the opposite sex. 00:36:37.613 --> 00:36:39.949 Isn't that the standard definition? 00:36:40.032 --> 00:36:42.160 Again with your standards. 00:36:42.243 --> 00:36:45.621 I think virginity is lost when you make love for the first time. 00:36:45.705 --> 00:36:48.499 - With a member of the opposite sex. - Why? Why only then? 00:36:48.583 --> 00:36:51.502 Because that's the standard. What do you want me to tell ya? 00:36:51.586 --> 00:36:55.840 So if a virgin is raped, then she's still a virgin? 00:36:55.923 --> 00:36:58.384 - No, of course not. - But rape is not the standard. 00:36:58.467 --> 00:37:01.762 So she's had sex, but not the standard idea of sex. 00:37:01.804 --> 00:37:04.640 Hence, according to your definition, she'd still be a virgin. 00:37:04.724 --> 00:37:07.518 - Okay, fine, I'll revise. - Uh-huh. 00:37:07.602 --> 00:37:10.688 Virginity is lost when the hymen is broken. 00:37:10.771 --> 00:37:13.983 - Then I lost my virginity at ten. - Really? 00:37:14.066 --> 00:37:17.653 'Cause, see, I fell on a fence post when I was ten, and it broke my hymen. 00:37:17.737 --> 00:37:20.781 Okay. Second revision. 00:37:20.865 --> 00:37:23.493 Virginity is lost through penetration. 00:37:23.576 --> 00:37:25.953 Physical penetration or emotional. 00:37:25.995 --> 00:37:27.955 - Emotional penetration? - Mmm. 00:37:27.997 --> 00:37:31.083 I fell in love hard with Caitlin Bree when we were in high school. 00:37:31.167 --> 00:37:32.251 Physical penetration. 00:37:32.335 --> 00:37:35.004 - We had sex. - Yeah, but not real sex. 00:37:37.006 --> 00:37:40.092 I move to have that remark stricken from the record, 00:37:40.176 --> 00:37:44.263 on account of it makes you come off as completely naive and infantile. 00:37:44.347 --> 00:37:47.558 Well, where's the penetration in lesbian sex? I-- 00:37:47.642 --> 00:37:52.188 A finger? I've had my finger up my ass. I wouldn't say I've had anal sex. 00:37:54.273 --> 00:37:56.192 Observe. 00:37:59.278 --> 00:38:04.033 You're kidding me! How? 00:38:04.116 --> 00:38:06.786 Our bodies are built to pass a child, for Christ's sake. 00:38:06.869 --> 00:38:09.372 Yeah, but I mean-- Jesus! Doesn't that hurt? 00:38:09.455 --> 00:38:12.750 - Sure, but in that good way. - Oh. 00:38:12.834 --> 00:38:16.879 And it's only a once-in-a-while thing reserved for really special occasions. 00:38:16.963 --> 00:38:21.050 - How about not-so-special occasions? - Tongue only. 00:38:21.133 --> 00:38:24.387 Well, but see-- Come on. That's what I'm sayin'. 00:38:24.470 --> 00:38:27.723 It's like, how can that be enough? How big can a tongue really get? 00:38:31.727 --> 00:38:33.646 My God. 00:38:33.729 --> 00:38:38.484 Let's go. 00:38:40.903 --> 00:38:43.197 Come on. Come on. 00:38:43.239 --> 00:38:45.741 You're really gonna have to give me a minute, I think. 00:38:45.867 --> 00:38:48.703 Would you stop futzing with your fuckin' bag? We're late already. 00:38:48.744 --> 00:38:50.945 - I have to get something. - Look, man, we miss this train, 00:38:50.997 --> 00:38:54.542 I'm gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schulz. 00:38:54.625 --> 00:38:57.920 Oh, my God. Who are you? Larry Fucking Flynt? 00:38:58.004 --> 00:39:00.631 - What are you gonna do with all those? - Read the articles. 00:39:00.715 --> 00:39:04.552 What do you think I'm gonna do with 'em? They're stroke books, stupid. 00:39:04.635 --> 00:39:07.638 You got, like, 30 books in there. We're only gonna be gone for two days. 00:39:07.722 --> 00:39:10.558 Variety is the spice of life. I like a wide selection. 00:39:10.600 --> 00:39:12.894 Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups. 00:39:12.935 --> 00:39:15.229 Sometimes I like 'em arty and airbrushed. 00:39:15.313 --> 00:39:17.565 Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night. 00:39:17.648 --> 00:39:20.067 Sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. 00:39:20.109 --> 00:39:22.069 Sometimes a steamy letter will do. 00:39:22.111 --> 00:39:25.072 Sometimes, not often, but sometimes... 00:39:25.114 --> 00:39:29.410 I like the idea of a chick with a horse. 00:39:29.452 --> 00:39:31.954 Go get our tickets. I gotta call Alyssa. 00:39:32.038 --> 00:39:34.790 - His master's voice. - Put that stuff away! 00:39:44.133 --> 00:39:46.052 Hi. 00:40:03.319 --> 00:40:07.740 One minute, five seconds. Ah, you are such my bitch. 00:40:07.824 --> 00:40:09.742 What's up? I'm about to get on a train. 00:40:09.826 --> 00:40:12.995 - Oh! Why? - Last-minute invite to the Boston Con. 00:40:13.079 --> 00:40:16.916 - Shit. - What? 00:40:16.999 --> 00:40:19.627 Well, my sister's at my parents', and I was gonna go see her. 00:40:19.710 --> 00:40:21.671 - The one that wrote the book? - Yeah. 00:40:21.712 --> 00:40:26.300 But I was stayin' all weekend. I wanted to hang out with you. This sucks. 00:40:26.342 --> 00:40:30.596 You know, um, both of us don't have to go. 00:40:30.680 --> 00:40:32.640 - Really? - Yeah. Banky can do this by himself. 00:40:32.682 --> 00:40:35.893 I mean, you know, it's not like we're on a panel. It's just a signing appearance. 00:40:35.977 --> 00:40:38.729 If you come pick me up, I'll be your best friend. 00:40:38.813 --> 00:40:41.023 Where's your apartment? 00:40:41.107 --> 00:40:45.027 And then Black Beauty couldn't take it any longer, 00:40:45.111 --> 00:40:50.575 and he finally did some of his own mounting. 00:40:50.658 --> 00:40:52.618 What are you doing? 00:40:52.702 --> 00:40:54.829 I think I want kids of my own one day. They're fun. 00:40:54.912 --> 00:40:58.291 Listen to me. I'm not going. You're gonna have to do this one by yourself. 00:40:58.374 --> 00:41:00.334 - What? Why? - Alyssa's comin' down for the weekend. 00:41:00.418 --> 00:41:02.879 I'm gonna hang out with her. You don't need me for this. 00:41:02.920 --> 00:41:05.923 Look, I'll take the bags. You can, uh, keep the filth. 00:41:06.007 --> 00:41:07.925 I'll pick you up at 9:00 Sunday night. 00:41:08.009 --> 00:41:10.887 Don't forget to plug the annual, and don't mention the TV show, okay? 00:41:10.928 --> 00:41:13.431 Call me if you get bored. 00:41:13.514 --> 00:41:15.474 All aboard! 00:41:18.060 --> 00:41:20.354 Explain this again. 00:41:20.396 --> 00:41:22.899 How could you have grown up on the shore and never played skee-ball? 00:41:22.940 --> 00:41:24.942 What did you do with your youth? 00:41:25.026 --> 00:41:27.445 Stayed out late, smoked pot, screwed around. 00:41:27.528 --> 00:41:29.614 Not your grade school years, your high school years. 00:41:29.697 --> 00:41:33.201 - This looks complicated. - Jesus. Potzer, uh-- 00:41:33.284 --> 00:41:35.912 - The premise is very basic, okay? - Uh-huh. 00:41:35.995 --> 00:41:39.123 You roll the ball up the rampart in an effort to pop it into the score circle. 00:41:39.207 --> 00:41:40.750 The higher the score, the more prize tickets you get. 00:41:40.833 --> 00:41:42.793 Well, what do you do with the prize tickets? 00:41:42.877 --> 00:41:45.296 You trade them in for prizes, 00:41:45.379 --> 00:41:48.466 which are not worth nearly as much as you've paid to play the game. 00:41:48.549 --> 00:41:51.844 - Well, what's the point? - It's fun. 00:41:51.928 --> 00:41:54.764 And you question my lifestyle. 00:41:54.805 --> 00:41:58.017 Observe. 00:42:03.689 --> 00:42:05.483 See? It's just that simple. 00:42:05.566 --> 00:42:08.194 Well, why not just walk up there and put it in the 50 every time-- 00:42:08.277 --> 00:42:12.448 - Well, where's the skill in that? - Oh, this is a skill. 00:42:12.532 --> 00:42:14.867 I'm sorry. I had no idea. 00:42:14.909 --> 00:42:16.869 Just toss one. 00:42:21.749 --> 00:42:26.504 Uh, I'm sorry there, man. She's a little new at this. 00:42:26.587 --> 00:42:29.048 Thanks. Thanks a lot. 00:42:29.090 --> 00:42:31.717 Underhand, okay? Throw it underhand. 00:42:31.801 --> 00:42:34.345 And this is where you take straight chicks on dates. 00:42:34.428 --> 00:42:36.347 This place is like Spanish fly. 00:42:36.430 --> 00:42:38.766 This will probably be the first time I don't score afterward. 00:42:38.850 --> 00:42:41.769 I don't know. I'm starting to get a tingle in my bottom. 00:42:45.106 --> 00:42:46.941 - Ten. - Very nice. 00:42:47.024 --> 00:42:48.943 - So, what'd you do last night? - Got laid. 00:42:53.364 --> 00:42:56.742 Some more of that, uh, skill you were tellin' me about? 00:42:56.784 --> 00:43:00.413 I never will regret this 00:43:00.454 --> 00:43:02.999 I never will, never will Never will regret this 00:43:03.082 --> 00:43:05.001 Never will regret this 00:43:05.084 --> 00:43:09.589 I never will, never will Never will regret this 00:43:18.264 --> 00:43:22.643 Well, give us today and I'm not scared to say 00:43:22.685 --> 00:43:25.563 I'm afraid 00:43:25.646 --> 00:43:28.274 Yes, I have a couple of hesitations 00:43:28.357 --> 00:43:30.651 And I'll open the door 00:43:30.735 --> 00:43:35.072 And I wonder if she might come in 00:43:35.156 --> 00:43:40.453 And do you really need an invitation now 00:43:40.495 --> 00:43:44.624 'Cause I think I'm feeling really something today 00:43:44.665 --> 00:43:48.920 Yes, I think I feel a little spark, hey 00:43:49.003 --> 00:43:51.964 Are you sure that control is working, Banky? 00:43:52.006 --> 00:43:55.468 I thought you lived in the city. 00:43:55.510 --> 00:43:57.470 It's like the umpteenth time I've seen ya here. 00:43:57.512 --> 00:44:00.848 Isn't that grounds for the little pink mafia to throw you outta their club? 00:44:00.932 --> 00:44:02.808 Hey! That's the last time. 00:44:02.850 --> 00:44:06.646 I think I feel a little spark, hey 00:44:06.687 --> 00:44:10.066 A little jump start Never will forget this 00:44:10.149 --> 00:44:13.069 I never will, never will Never will forget this 00:44:13.152 --> 00:44:15.488 Never will forget this 00:44:15.530 --> 00:44:18.282 I never will, never will Never will forget this 00:44:18.366 --> 00:44:20.535 Never will forget this 00:44:20.618 --> 00:44:23.329 I never will, never will Never will forget this 00:44:23.412 --> 00:44:25.623 Never will forget this 00:44:25.706 --> 00:44:27.959 I never will, never will Never will forget this 00:44:34.006 --> 00:44:37.385 Wow. How bad do you suck? 00:44:37.426 --> 00:44:41.472 How was your pseudo date? 00:44:41.556 --> 00:44:43.641 - Leave it alone. - That chick bugs me. 00:44:43.724 --> 00:44:47.270 - No, everyone bugs you. - Get off! 00:44:47.353 --> 00:44:50.898 Fuckin' faggot. Did you see that? 00:44:50.982 --> 00:44:55.486 Your dyke-courting ass just got me scored on. 00:44:55.570 --> 00:44:58.406 You know, you should watch that, man. 00:44:58.447 --> 00:45:01.242 If you're gonna get so bent outta shape while playing the game-- 00:45:01.325 --> 00:45:04.370 so much so that you feel the need to curse the TV-- 00:45:04.412 --> 00:45:06.747 try not to gay bash it, all right? 00:45:06.789 --> 00:45:09.000 You're not that kind of guy. 00:45:09.083 --> 00:45:13.880 And don't call her a dyke. She's a lesbian. Okay? 00:45:20.720 --> 00:45:23.806 What the fuck is goin' on here? 00:45:23.890 --> 00:45:26.184 - I'm starting a new page? - Not with this shit! With you! 00:45:26.267 --> 00:45:28.227 What the fuck is goin' on with you and that girl? 00:45:28.269 --> 00:45:31.439 - We're just friends! - She's programming you! 00:45:31.522 --> 00:45:33.441 I beg your pardon? Programming? 00:45:33.524 --> 00:45:36.027 Yeah, and apparently you don't even fuckin' realize it. 00:45:36.110 --> 00:45:38.821 What does it matter if I refer to her as a dyke? 00:45:38.905 --> 00:45:42.575 Or if I call the Whalers faggots in the privacy of my own office... 00:45:42.617 --> 00:45:45.495 far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world? 00:45:45.578 --> 00:45:49.207 Look, man, it's passive-aggressive gay bashing. 00:45:49.290 --> 00:45:51.292 And I know you're not really prejudiced at heart. 00:45:51.375 --> 00:45:57.298 I think you should find some other way to express your anger is all I'm saying. 00:46:09.685 --> 00:46:12.271 What are you doing? 00:46:12.355 --> 00:46:18.069 Just bear with me here. I want to put you through this little exercise. 00:46:25.576 --> 00:46:29.664 All right, now, see this? This is a four-way road, okay? 00:46:29.747 --> 00:46:34.252 And dead in the center is a crisp, new hundred-dollar bill. 00:46:34.335 --> 00:46:38.339 Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people. Okay? You following? 00:46:38.422 --> 00:46:40.341 - Yeah. - Good. 00:46:40.424 --> 00:46:43.594 Over here we have a male-affectionate, easy-to-get-along-with, 00:46:43.678 --> 00:46:46.472 nonpolitical-agenda lesbian. 00:46:46.556 --> 00:46:50.476 Down here we have a man-hating, angry-as-fuck, 00:46:50.560 --> 00:46:54.021 agenda-of-rage, bitter dyke. 00:46:54.105 --> 00:46:58.943 Over here we got Santa Claus, and up here, the Easter Bunny. 00:46:59.026 --> 00:47:03.614 Which one is going to get to the hundred-dollar bill first? 00:47:03.698 --> 00:47:05.616 - What is this supposed to prove? - No, I'm serious. 00:47:05.700 --> 00:47:08.703 This is a serious exercise. It's like an S.A.T. question. 00:47:08.786 --> 00:47:11.873 Which one is going to get to the hundred-dollar bill first? 00:47:11.956 --> 00:47:14.834 The male-friendly lesbian? The man-hating dyke? 00:47:14.917 --> 00:47:16.836 Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? 00:47:16.919 --> 00:47:19.630 - The man-hating dyke. - Good. 00:47:19.714 --> 00:47:21.632 - Why? - I don't know. 00:47:21.716 --> 00:47:25.636 Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination! 00:47:25.720 --> 00:47:28.764 I don't need this. I'll be hiding from your fuckin' shit in my room. 00:47:28.848 --> 00:47:31.517 - What? - What is it about this girl, man? 00:47:31.601 --> 00:47:34.353 You know you have no shot at getting her into bed! 00:47:34.437 --> 00:47:36.856 Why do you bother wasting time with her? 00:47:36.939 --> 00:47:39.901 - Because you're Holden Fucking McNeil. - Right. 00:47:39.942 --> 00:47:44.530 Most persistent traveler on the road. That's not the path of least resistance. 00:47:44.614 --> 00:47:47.033 Everything's gotta be a fuckin' challenge for you. 00:47:47.116 --> 00:47:49.452 And this little relationship with that bitch... 00:47:49.535 --> 00:47:52.538 is a prime example of your fucking condition. 00:47:52.622 --> 00:47:54.916 Well, I don't need a magic eight ball to look into your future. 00:47:54.999 --> 00:47:59.795 You want a forecast? Here. Will Holden ever fuck Alyssa? 00:47:59.879 --> 00:48:02.840 Oh, what a shock. Not fucking likely. 00:48:02.924 --> 00:48:06.928 This relationship is affecting you, our work and our friendship. 00:48:07.011 --> 00:48:10.556 The time's gonna come when I throw down the gauntlet and say, "It's me or her." 00:48:10.640 --> 00:48:12.600 - Then what are you gonna say? - I say you should let this one go! 00:48:12.642 --> 00:48:16.521 No. What would you say? Would you trash 20 years of fuckin' friendship... 00:48:16.604 --> 00:48:18.856 because you've got some idiotic notion... 00:48:18.940 --> 00:48:22.360 that this chick would even let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her? 00:48:22.443 --> 00:48:25.613 Look, fuckin' asshole, I'm telling you, okay? Let it go! 00:48:25.696 --> 00:48:27.657 What the fuck, man? 00:48:27.698 --> 00:48:29.700 What the fuck makes this bitch all that important? 00:48:29.784 --> 00:48:32.954 'Cause I'm fuckin' in love with her, man, okay? 00:48:39.293 --> 00:48:41.212 Fuck. 00:48:46.801 --> 00:48:51.180 - Well, I thought it was love - Thought it was love 00:48:51.264 --> 00:48:53.432 'Cause my heart-- 00:48:57.687 --> 00:49:00.439 Wish you were the one being pursued for the cartoon. 00:49:00.523 --> 00:49:02.108 Oh, really? 00:49:02.191 --> 00:49:06.320 Yeah, then maybe you could sell out and pick up a check every once in a while. 00:49:06.362 --> 00:49:08.322 We're leaving? 00:49:08.364 --> 00:49:11.325 Well, it's not like this is a bed and breakfast. 00:49:11.367 --> 00:49:14.203 I've got a little business to conduct. 00:49:19.834 --> 00:49:24.046 Hello there. Let me ask you a question. 00:49:24.130 --> 00:49:28.551 Are you an authorized deal maker in this establishment? 00:49:28.593 --> 00:49:31.554 Do you have the power to negotiate? 00:49:31.637 --> 00:49:34.557 You wanna haggle over the price of your French dip? 00:49:34.640 --> 00:49:39.979 No, I wanna haggle over the price of fine art. 00:49:40.062 --> 00:49:43.149 - What do you mean? - There. By the kitchen. 00:49:43.232 --> 00:49:46.486 See? That painting. 00:49:46.569 --> 00:49:50.948 - What about it? - The price tag says 75. 00:49:51.032 --> 00:49:54.202 - So? - Tell me you're kidding. 00:49:54.243 --> 00:49:58.748 I'll give you 50. 00:50:02.752 --> 00:50:08.007 Manuel, could you bring the Dyksiezski down off the wall, please? 00:50:08.174 --> 00:50:10.801 My new Dyksiezski. 00:50:10.885 --> 00:50:14.764 - Where are you gonna hang it? - I'm not. You are. 00:50:14.847 --> 00:50:16.766 Oh? You want me to hang it for you? 00:50:16.849 --> 00:50:18.768 You better hope it doesn't get out to the girl nation... 00:50:18.851 --> 00:50:20.770 you needed a man to help you hang a picture. 00:50:20.853 --> 00:50:24.690 No, no, no. You're going to hang it in your house. 00:50:24.732 --> 00:50:28.194 - Yeah, right. - I'm serious. 00:50:32.824 --> 00:50:36.452 - Why? - Because it's captured the moment. 00:50:36.536 --> 00:50:39.372 It'll be a constant reminder, not just of tonight, 00:50:39.413 --> 00:50:44.085 but of our introduction, of the building of our friendship, everything. 00:50:44.168 --> 00:50:48.673 Make no mistake about it, my friend, it is a gift from me to you, 00:50:48.714 --> 00:50:52.009 so you'll always remember us. 00:51:04.730 --> 00:51:06.691 Why are we stopping? 00:51:06.732 --> 00:51:09.986 - Because I can't take this. - Can't take what? 00:51:10.069 --> 00:51:12.697 I love you. 00:51:19.829 --> 00:51:21.998 You love me? 00:51:22.081 --> 00:51:25.835 I love you and not, not in a friendly way. 00:51:25.918 --> 00:51:28.045 Although, I think we're great friends. 00:51:28.129 --> 00:51:31.507 And not in a misplaced affection, puppy dog way. 00:51:31.591 --> 00:51:33.676 Although, I'm sure that's what you'll call it. 00:51:33.759 --> 00:51:37.221 I love you. Very-- 00:51:37.263 --> 00:51:40.600 Very simple. Very truly. 00:51:40.683 --> 00:51:45.480 You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. 00:51:45.563 --> 00:51:47.565 And I know that you think of me as just a friend, 00:51:47.607 --> 00:51:50.109 and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option... 00:51:50.151 --> 00:51:52.028 you would ever consider, 00:51:52.111 --> 00:51:56.991 but-- I had to say it. 00:51:57.074 --> 00:51:59.076 I just-- I can't take this anymore. 00:51:59.118 --> 00:52:02.163 I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. 00:52:02.246 --> 00:52:04.624 I can't-- I can't look into your eyes without feeling that-- 00:52:04.665 --> 00:52:07.752 that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. 00:52:07.793 --> 00:52:13.508 I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. 00:52:13.591 --> 00:52:19.055 And I know this will probably queer our friendship-- no pun intended-- 00:52:19.138 --> 00:52:24.769 but I had to say it. 00:52:24.810 --> 00:52:28.272 'Cause I've never felt this way before. 00:52:28.314 --> 00:52:33.736 And I don't care. I like who I am because of it. 00:52:33.820 --> 00:52:37.198 And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, 00:52:37.281 --> 00:52:40.451 then that hurts me. 00:52:40.493 --> 00:52:42.995 But, God, I just-- I couldn't allow another day to go by... 00:52:43.037 --> 00:52:46.958 without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, 00:52:46.999 --> 00:52:52.547 which, by the look on your face, is to be the inevitable... 00:52:52.630 --> 00:52:55.341 shoot down. 00:52:55.424 --> 00:53:00.680 And, you know, I'll accept that. 00:53:00.763 --> 00:53:04.600 But I know-- I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment. 00:53:04.684 --> 00:53:08.354 And if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. 00:53:08.396 --> 00:53:10.356 And all I ask, please, is that you just-- 00:53:10.398 --> 00:53:15.862 you just not dismiss that and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. 00:53:17.238 --> 00:53:19.157 Ah. 00:53:20.449 --> 00:53:22.743 Alyssa. 00:53:22.827 --> 00:53:28.332 There isn't another soul on this fucking planet... 00:53:28.416 --> 00:53:32.795 who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you. 00:53:32.879 --> 00:53:36.966 And I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau, 00:53:37.049 --> 00:53:39.093 because it is there between you and me. 00:53:39.177 --> 00:53:42.972 You can't deny that. 00:53:51.439 --> 00:53:54.567 Even if, you know-- 00:53:58.112 --> 00:54:02.074 Even if we never talk again after tonight, 00:54:02.158 --> 00:54:06.621 please know that I am forever changed... 00:54:06.704 --> 00:54:11.083 because of who you are and what you've meant to me, 00:54:11.167 --> 00:54:15.254 which, while I do appreciate it, 00:54:15.338 --> 00:54:20.885 I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of. 00:54:35.733 --> 00:54:38.778 Oh, God. 00:54:38.861 --> 00:54:42.323 Was it something I said? 00:54:42.365 --> 00:54:45.284 Fuck. 00:54:50.206 --> 00:54:52.917 - What are you doing? - Get in the car and get outta here! 00:54:53.000 --> 00:54:55.211 - You're gonna hitch to New York? - Yep! 00:54:55.294 --> 00:54:58.464 - Aren't you at least gonna comment? - Fuck you! 00:54:58.548 --> 00:55:00.508 - Why? - That was so unfair. 00:55:00.591 --> 00:55:01.968 You know how unfair that was. 00:55:02.009 --> 00:55:03.970 What? It's unfair that I'm in love with you? 00:55:04.011 --> 00:55:06.514 No, it's unfortunate that you're in love with me. 00:55:06.556 --> 00:55:10.017 It's unfair you felt the fuckin' need to unburden your soul about it. 00:55:10.059 --> 00:55:13.312 Do you remember for one fucking second who I am? 00:55:13.396 --> 00:55:15.731 So? I mean, you know, people change. 00:55:15.815 --> 00:55:17.733 Oh! Oh! It's that simple! 00:55:17.817 --> 00:55:20.611 You fall in love with me and want a romantic relationship. 00:55:20.695 --> 00:55:22.613 Nothing changes for you... 00:55:22.697 --> 00:55:25.158 with the exception of feeling hunky-dory all the time. 00:55:25.241 --> 00:55:29.203 But what about me, Holden? It's not that simple! 00:55:29.245 --> 00:55:31.664 I just can't get into a relationship with you... 00:55:31.706 --> 00:55:34.834 without throwing my whole fucking world into upheaval. 00:55:34.917 --> 00:55:39.172 That's every relationship. There's always gonna be a period of adjustment. 00:55:39.213 --> 00:55:41.799 Period of adjustment? 00:55:41.883 --> 00:55:46.179 There's no period of adjustment, Holden! I am fucking gay! 00:55:46.262 --> 00:55:48.306 That's who I am! 00:55:48.389 --> 00:55:54.270 You assume I can turn all that around because you've got a fucking crush? 00:55:56.355 --> 00:55:58.274 If this is a crush, 00:55:58.357 --> 00:56:02.028 I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened. 00:56:02.111 --> 00:56:04.572 Go home, Holden. 00:57:33.132 --> 00:57:37.303 You're back with Chaz and Stu and the New Zoo Review. 00:57:37.386 --> 00:57:41.307 As always behind us we got wacky-- 00:57:59.992 --> 00:58:02.745 I take it that's not good. 00:58:02.828 --> 00:58:06.332 Stay here. 00:58:06.415 --> 00:58:10.002 Be right back. 00:58:29.188 --> 00:58:32.316 Catholic schoolgirls. 00:58:32.358 --> 00:58:37.446 The uniform's what does it for me. 00:58:37.530 --> 00:58:41.367 I wish I'd went with more Catholic schoolgirls when I was a kid. 00:58:41.408 --> 00:58:46.956 As it stands, I have no "And then she unzipped her jumper" stories. 00:58:48.040 --> 00:58:51.335 You seemed weirded-out back there. 00:58:51.377 --> 00:58:55.965 - That's my couch you were fucking on. - Sorry. 00:58:56.048 --> 00:58:59.343 I wanted to watch some TV. Hard to do when your best friend is... 00:58:59.385 --> 00:59:03.514 wrapped around a naked rug-muncher on your couch. 00:59:03.556 --> 00:59:06.100 She had boxers on. 00:59:09.645 --> 00:59:14.066 - This is all gonna end badly. - You don't know that. 00:59:14.150 --> 00:59:17.820 I know you. You're way too conservative for that girl. 00:59:17.903 --> 00:59:22.408 She's been around and seen things we've only read about in books. 00:59:22.491 --> 00:59:26.245 We have read about them, so we're prepared. 00:59:26.328 --> 00:59:29.582 There's no "we" here. 00:59:31.333 --> 00:59:33.878 You're gonna have to go through this alone. 00:59:33.919 --> 00:59:35.921 It's one thing to read about shit, 00:59:35.963 --> 00:59:40.092 something different when you're forced to deal with it on a regular basis. 00:59:40.176 --> 00:59:43.971 When you are walking in a mall and your heads turn at a nice-looking chick, 00:59:44.054 --> 00:59:47.099 it's gonna eat you up inside. 00:59:47.183 --> 00:59:51.729 You'll spend most of your time wondering when the other shoe's gonna drop. 00:59:51.812 --> 00:59:55.858 'Cause for you this isn't about cool, weird sex stuff. 00:59:55.941 --> 00:59:58.194 It's about love. 00:59:58.277 --> 01:00:01.405 Maybe it is for her as well. 01:00:01.447 --> 01:00:04.700 Somehow I doubt it. 01:00:04.784 --> 01:00:07.620 Everybody's not out to get someone in life, Bank. 01:00:07.661 --> 01:00:11.540 Everybody has an agenda, all right? Everyone. 01:00:11.624 --> 01:00:13.250 Yourself? 01:00:13.292 --> 01:00:16.253 - My agenda is to watch your back. - To what end? 01:00:16.295 --> 01:00:19.256 To insure that all this time we've spent together, building something, 01:00:19.298 --> 01:00:20.424 wasn't wasted. 01:00:20.466 --> 01:00:24.553 Oh, she's not gonna ruin the comic. 01:00:27.014 --> 01:00:29.642 I wasn't talkin' about the comic. 01:00:31.644 --> 01:00:34.480 I'm gonna go get a bagel. 01:00:34.522 --> 01:00:38.234 Clean off my fucking couch so I can watch TV. 01:00:49.161 --> 01:00:51.330 From what I understand, when you sign with a publisher... 01:00:51.372 --> 01:00:54.166 someone else does all this work for you, and you just sit back and collect. 01:00:54.250 --> 01:00:57.628 And miss these late-night cram sessions with my nearest and dearest? 01:00:57.670 --> 01:01:00.089 - Never. - I don't know what she's bitching about. 01:01:00.172 --> 01:01:02.758 All she's done since we got here is pound Merlot. 01:01:02.842 --> 01:01:03.926 Yeah, you're a real help. 01:01:04.009 --> 01:01:06.679 I'd like to know why we're here at all... 01:01:06.720 --> 01:01:08.681 when we haven't seen Princess Funny Book in a month. 01:01:08.722 --> 01:01:13.686 - Yeah. Who you shackin' up with? - "Shacking up with"? Please. 01:01:15.396 --> 01:01:17.648 I'm so in love! 01:01:17.731 --> 01:01:19.942 Ohh! 01:01:20.025 --> 01:01:24.363 I know, I know. I feel like such a goon, but I can't help it. 01:01:24.447 --> 01:01:27.366 - We have such a great time together. - Who is it? 01:01:27.450 --> 01:01:29.368 Someone you guys don't know. 01:01:29.452 --> 01:01:31.454 That chick you left the restaurant with that night. 01:01:31.537 --> 01:01:33.456 They're not from around here. 01:01:33.539 --> 01:01:35.458 Don't even tell me you met her down the shore. 01:01:35.541 --> 01:01:38.210 Ew, a bridge-and-tunnel Jersey dyke. 01:01:38.252 --> 01:01:40.796 With huge hair and acid-washed jeans. 01:01:40.880 --> 01:01:44.884 For your information, they don't have big hair or wear acid-wash. 01:01:44.967 --> 01:01:46.969 They're from my hometown. 01:01:51.766 --> 01:01:53.893 Why are you playing the pronoun game? 01:01:53.976 --> 01:01:57.730 - What are you talking about? I'm not. - You are. 01:01:57.772 --> 01:02:03.152 I met "someone." "We" have a great time. "They're" from my hometown. 01:02:03.235 --> 01:02:05.404 Doesn't this tube of wonderful have a name? 01:02:12.620 --> 01:02:14.872 Holden. 01:02:29.470 --> 01:02:31.555 Well... 01:02:34.391 --> 01:02:36.352 here's to the both of you. 01:02:40.022 --> 01:02:42.566 Another one bites the dust. 01:02:51.325 --> 01:02:53.744 Can I ask you a question? 01:02:53.828 --> 01:02:57.540 Don't even tell me you want to do it again. 01:02:59.834 --> 01:03:04.255 Why me? You know? Why now? 01:03:04.338 --> 01:03:07.800 Well, because you were givin' me that look and I got all wet. 01:03:07.883 --> 01:03:10.094 You know what I mean. 01:03:10.177 --> 01:03:12.638 Why not you? 01:03:12.721 --> 01:03:17.852 Well, I'm a guy. I mean... you're attracted to girls. 01:03:17.935 --> 01:03:20.479 I see you've been taking notes. 01:03:20.521 --> 01:03:23.732 Historically, yes. That's true. 01:03:23.816 --> 01:03:26.610 Then why this? 01:03:31.157 --> 01:03:34.493 Well, I've given that a lot of thought, you know. 01:03:34.535 --> 01:03:37.538 Now that I'm being ostracized by my friends, 01:03:37.580 --> 01:03:39.540 I've had plenty of time to think about it. 01:03:39.582 --> 01:03:43.002 And what I've come up with is really simple. 01:03:44.378 --> 01:03:47.715 I came to this on my own terms. 01:03:47.798 --> 01:03:50.718 You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught: 01:03:50.760 --> 01:03:54.638 Men and women should be together, it's the natural way, 01:03:54.722 --> 01:03:56.640 that kind of thing. 01:03:56.724 --> 01:04:00.936 I'm not with you because of what family, society, life... 01:04:01.020 --> 01:04:04.523 tried to instill in me from day one. 01:04:06.525 --> 01:04:08.819 The way the world is, 01:04:08.903 --> 01:04:13.908 how seldom it is that you meet that one person who... 01:04:13.991 --> 01:04:16.535 just gets you. 01:04:16.619 --> 01:04:19.038 It's so rare. 01:04:19.080 --> 01:04:22.208 My parents didn't really have it. 01:04:22.249 --> 01:04:27.713 There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. 01:04:27.797 --> 01:04:31.967 And to cut oneself off from finding that person-- 01:04:32.051 --> 01:04:36.388 to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility... 01:04:36.430 --> 01:04:40.142 of finding that one person within your own gender-- 01:04:40.226 --> 01:04:42.353 that just seemed stupid to me. 01:04:42.436 --> 01:04:45.272 So I didn't. 01:04:45.314 --> 01:04:48.567 But then you came along. 01:04:48.609 --> 01:04:52.571 You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy. 01:04:52.655 --> 01:04:55.116 Still am. 01:04:55.157 --> 01:05:00.246 And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, 01:05:00.329 --> 01:05:03.124 because you were a guy. 01:05:03.207 --> 01:05:08.045 Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: 01:05:08.129 --> 01:05:12.425 To not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd... 01:05:12.466 --> 01:05:14.844 complement me so completely. 01:05:19.140 --> 01:05:22.268 So, here we are. 01:05:22.309 --> 01:05:24.687 I was thorough when I looked for you. 01:05:26.772 --> 01:05:30.401 And I feel justified lying in your arms... 01:05:30.484 --> 01:05:34.196 'cause I got here on my own terms, 01:05:34.238 --> 01:05:39.034 and I have no question there was someplace I didn't look. 01:05:39.076 --> 01:05:41.829 For me that makes all the difference. 01:05:58.053 --> 01:06:01.140 Can I at least tell people all you needed was some serious deep-dicking? 01:06:08.022 --> 01:06:10.608 - Move! - Stop! 01:06:23.496 --> 01:06:26.415 - What? - Check out page 48. 01:06:38.594 --> 01:06:41.514 - So? - Did you see the nickname? 01:06:43.933 --> 01:06:46.644 - "Finger Cuffs." - And? 01:06:46.727 --> 01:06:51.148 - Weird nickname. What's your point? - Do you know why it's "Finger Cuffs"? 01:06:51.232 --> 01:06:54.485 - No. I suppose you do. - I do. 01:06:57.071 --> 01:07:01.659 Remember Cohee Lundin? Left Hudson and went to North our senior year? 01:07:01.742 --> 01:07:03.661 Yeah. 01:07:03.744 --> 01:07:06.914 Well, asshole, I ran into him at the stores the other day. 01:07:06.997 --> 01:07:09.458 God, it's been ages since I've seen him. 01:07:09.500 --> 01:07:13.003 - Mentioned you were dating Alyssa. - Did you? 01:07:13.087 --> 01:07:15.339 Yeah. Funny thing is, you know what he said? 01:07:15.381 --> 01:07:20.177 Shit, I know Alyssa Jones. I mean, I know Alyssa Jones. 01:07:20.219 --> 01:07:24.306 Me and Rick Derris used to hang around her house after school... 01:07:24.390 --> 01:07:27.017 and shit, 'cause her parents were, like, never home and shit, right? 01:07:27.101 --> 01:07:29.854 But one day Rick whips it out and starts rubbin' it on her leg and shit, 01:07:29.895 --> 01:07:32.064 chasin' her around the living room; I was dyin'. 01:07:32.148 --> 01:07:34.859 You know what the crazy bitch did? She fuckin' drops to her knees... 01:07:34.900 --> 01:07:37.778 and starts suckin' him off right in front of me, like I wasn't even there. 01:07:37.862 --> 01:07:40.156 I almost died. But that's not the fucked-up part. 01:07:40.239 --> 01:07:44.160 The fucked-up part was Rick, right in the middle of it, pointin' at her, 01:07:44.243 --> 01:07:46.579 and he says "Cohee," just like that, "Cohee." 01:07:46.662 --> 01:07:48.581 So I'm like, "Yo, I'll give it a shot." 01:07:48.664 --> 01:07:51.459 I start pullin' her pants down and shit, all slow 'cause I figure any second... 01:07:51.542 --> 01:07:53.669 she's gonna turn around and belt me in the mouth, right? 01:07:53.753 --> 01:07:57.214 But she's all into it, man! She don't try to stop me or nothin'! 01:07:57.298 --> 01:08:00.134 She's all wet and I just start goin' to work, you know what I'm sayin'? 01:08:00.217 --> 01:08:03.053 Me and Rick are goin' to town on this crazy bitch, and she's lovin' it, 01:08:03.095 --> 01:08:05.055 all moaning and shit. 01:08:05.097 --> 01:08:06.974 It was fucked-up. So Rick came up with the nickname. 01:08:07.057 --> 01:08:11.645 That day she had us locked in from both sides like Chinese finger cuffs. 01:08:11.729 --> 01:08:12.980 He's full of shit. 01:08:13.063 --> 01:08:15.983 Cohee's a lot of things, but an exaggerator he's not. 01:08:16.066 --> 01:08:18.110 - The dude's Catholic. - She's never even been with a guy. 01:08:18.194 --> 01:08:21.405 That's what she says. But I say her on her hands and knees... 01:08:21.447 --> 01:08:24.742 getting filled out like an application constitutes "being with a guy." 01:08:24.784 --> 01:08:27.787 Look, man. Cohee Lundin is pulling your chain, okay? 01:08:27.870 --> 01:08:30.956 The fact you even believe him makes you look like a complete fuckin' idiot. 01:08:31.040 --> 01:08:33.292 I'm getting your back, asshole! 01:08:33.375 --> 01:08:35.961 People don't forget shit like "Finger Cuffs." 01:08:36.045 --> 01:08:39.590 What if it got out that she's queer as well? How's that gonna make you look? 01:08:39.673 --> 01:08:43.010 - Well, I give a shit what people think. - Fuck! 01:08:43.094 --> 01:08:46.222 All right. What if she's carrying a disease? 01:08:46.305 --> 01:08:48.265 - Fuck you! - What? 01:08:48.307 --> 01:08:51.477 Oh, it's not possible that she's all crudded-up? 01:08:51.560 --> 01:08:55.064 Cohee I can vouch for is clean. The dude never got laid in high school. 01:08:55.147 --> 01:08:57.983 But Derris? He's an arch-fucking-bushman! 01:08:58.067 --> 01:09:01.779 Name me one chick in our senior class that he didn't nail, for Christ's sake! 01:09:01.862 --> 01:09:05.116 Let it go, okay? I'm telling you, she's never even been with a guy, 01:09:05.157 --> 01:09:07.201 much less these two fuckin' zeroes. 01:09:07.284 --> 01:09:10.913 And the bitch could be a bigger germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak! 01:09:10.996 --> 01:09:14.917 Would you let it go, okay? I'm fuckin' tired of this shit! 01:09:15.000 --> 01:09:19.964 She's my goddamn girlfriend! Show a little fuckin' respect! 01:09:20.047 --> 01:09:23.259 And I swear to God, if I ever hear you so much as fucking mention... 01:09:23.342 --> 01:09:28.347 Alyssa looks a little peaked, I'll put your fucking teeth down your throat! 01:09:31.350 --> 01:09:34.186 Maybe I'll put your fuckin' teeth down your throat. 01:09:34.228 --> 01:09:36.814 Yeah, maybe. 01:09:41.694 --> 01:09:44.405 I've been workin' out, ya know! 01:09:45.489 --> 01:09:48.617 You better be ready to make that deal. 01:09:50.870 --> 01:09:53.789 So, where's that bitch partner of yours been? 01:09:53.873 --> 01:09:55.082 Sulking. 01:09:55.166 --> 01:09:57.168 He's having a real problem with this Alyssa thing. 01:09:57.251 --> 01:10:01.505 I think it's more like Banky's having a real problem with all things not hetero, 01:10:01.589 --> 01:10:04.467 and I'm just another paradigm of said aberration. 01:10:04.550 --> 01:10:09.764 - Banky does not hate gays. - But he is a bit homophobic. 01:10:09.847 --> 01:10:13.392 This latest episode between you and Miss Thing has tapped into that. 01:10:13.476 --> 01:10:17.980 In his warped perception, he lost you to the "dark side," which is she. 01:10:18.063 --> 01:10:19.982 You make it sound like me and him were dating. 01:10:20.065 --> 01:10:21.400 Don't kid yourself. 01:10:21.442 --> 01:10:24.403 That boy loves you in a way that he ain't ready to deal with. 01:10:28.407 --> 01:10:33.662 - He's been digging up dirt on Alyssa. - Uh-uh, honey! 01:10:33.746 --> 01:10:39.627 And just what has Mr. Angela Lansbury uncovered about your lady fair? 01:10:39.710 --> 01:10:42.421 He heard some bullshit story that she took on two guys. 01:10:42.505 --> 01:10:44.548 Really? 01:10:44.632 --> 01:10:48.594 Then he's barkin' up the wrong tree if he wants to split you up, isn't he? 01:10:48.677 --> 01:10:51.097 He's not gonna make you see the error of your ways... 01:10:51.180 --> 01:10:53.265 by pointing out how truly gay she's not. 01:10:53.349 --> 01:10:56.185 - This one? - I have it. 01:10:56.268 --> 01:11:01.315 - Actually, it has kinda gotten to me. - How so? 01:11:01.398 --> 01:11:03.901 Well, Banky's got a pretty good bullshit detector. 01:11:03.943 --> 01:11:06.278 - He's not known for misinformation. - So what if it is true? 01:11:06.362 --> 01:11:08.906 - Would that bother you? - Sex with multiple partners? 01:11:08.989 --> 01:11:10.950 At the same time? 01:11:10.991 --> 01:11:12.952 Ah! Ooh! 01:11:12.993 --> 01:11:15.621 Thanks for being so comforting. I appreciate it. 01:11:15.704 --> 01:11:17.623 So, what do you care? 01:11:17.706 --> 01:11:19.917 That's just it, you know? I shouldn't care. 01:11:19.959 --> 01:11:21.919 - But it just-- It gets to me. - Look, 01:11:21.961 --> 01:11:24.797 the kind of gal Alyssa is, you don't think she's been in the middle... 01:11:24.839 --> 01:11:27.258 of an all-girl group grope? 01:11:29.969 --> 01:11:33.472 You see, that doesn't bother me, right? But just the thought of her with guys-- 01:11:33.556 --> 01:11:37.184 Oh, Holden, I beg you, please. Don't drop 50 stories in my opinion of you... 01:11:37.268 --> 01:11:40.312 by falling prey to that latest of trendy beasts. 01:11:40.396 --> 01:11:42.440 - Which is? - Lesbian chic. 01:11:42.523 --> 01:11:46.861 It's oh-so acceptable to be a gay girl nowadays. People think it's cute. 01:11:46.944 --> 01:11:50.322 Got this fool picture of lipstick lesbians in their heads, 01:11:50.406 --> 01:11:54.452 like they all resemble Alyssa, while most of 'em look more like you. 01:11:54.535 --> 01:11:57.455 Do I detect a little intersubculture cattiness here? 01:11:57.496 --> 01:11:59.832 Gay or straight, ugly's still ugly. 01:11:59.915 --> 01:12:02.543 And most of those boys are scary. 01:12:02.626 --> 01:12:04.593 I thought you fags were all super-supportive of one another. 01:12:04.628 --> 01:12:06.505 Screw that all-for-one shit. 01:12:06.547 --> 01:12:09.175 I gotta deal with bein' a minority in the minority of the minority, 01:12:09.258 --> 01:12:11.427 and nobody's supportin' my ass. 01:12:11.510 --> 01:12:14.847 While the whole of society's fawning over girls-on-girls, 01:12:14.889 --> 01:12:16.849 here I sit, a reviled gay man. 01:12:16.891 --> 01:12:19.351 And to top that off, I'm a gay black man, 01:12:19.393 --> 01:12:21.353 notoriously, the most swishy of the bunch. 01:12:21.395 --> 01:12:23.397 - Three strikes-- - Hey, hey! There's a line. 01:12:23.481 --> 01:12:26.400 Are you Hooper X? 01:12:29.653 --> 01:12:33.783 - Salaam alaykem, little brother. - Could you sign my comic? 01:12:38.329 --> 01:12:40.414 Hey. You see that man right there? 01:12:41.749 --> 01:12:45.503 He the devil. Understand? 01:12:45.544 --> 01:12:48.506 Never take your eye off the Man. 01:12:54.887 --> 01:12:58.224 - Fight the power, little G. - Word is bond. 01:12:58.307 --> 01:13:00.559 Word is bond. 01:13:04.855 --> 01:13:07.316 Look at what I have to resort to for professional respect. 01:13:07.317 --> 01:13:08.150 Look at what I have to resort to for professional respect. 01:13:08.192 --> 01:13:11.529 What is it about gay men that terrifies the rest of the world? 01:13:13.614 --> 01:13:17.368 - As for this hang-up with Alyssa's past,... - Um-hm. 01:13:17.451 --> 01:13:21.372 ...maybe what's troubling you is that your fragile fantasy might not be true. 01:13:21.455 --> 01:13:24.708 - What does that mean? - Holden, don't even try to come off... 01:13:24.792 --> 01:13:26.877 like you don't know what I'm sayin'. 01:13:26.961 --> 01:13:31.674 Men need to believe that they're Marco-fuckin'-Polo when it comes to sex. 01:13:31.715 --> 01:13:34.385 Like they're the only ones who've ever explored new territory. 01:13:34.468 --> 01:13:37.054 And it's hard not to let 'em believe it. 01:13:37.138 --> 01:13:39.515 I let my boys run with it for a while. 01:13:39.557 --> 01:13:42.268 Feed 'em some of that "I've never done this before" bullshit... 01:13:42.351 --> 01:13:44.770 and let them labor under the delusion that they're rockin' my world... 01:13:44.854 --> 01:13:47.731 until I can't stand 'em no more, then I hit 'em with the truth. 01:13:47.773 --> 01:13:49.733 It's a sick game. 01:13:49.775 --> 01:13:51.735 The world would be a better place... 01:13:51.777 --> 01:13:53.821 if people would just accept there's nothin' new under the sun, 01:13:53.904 --> 01:13:55.823 and anything you can do with a person... 01:13:55.906 --> 01:13:58.784 has probably been done long before you got there. 01:13:58.868 --> 01:14:02.288 - Hey, I can accept that. - Honey, that almost sounded convincing. 01:14:02.371 --> 01:14:07.084 Just ask the girl about her past point-blank. 01:14:07.168 --> 01:14:10.087 Get it out of the way before it gets too big for both of y'all to move. 01:14:10.171 --> 01:14:12.089 Ooh! Yanni! 01:14:24.935 --> 01:14:28.522 Boo! Boo! 01:14:31.525 --> 01:14:33.986 Since most of these people are rooting for the home team, 01:14:34.070 --> 01:14:35.988 I'm going to cheer for the visitors. 01:14:36.072 --> 01:14:38.324 I'm a big visitors fan. 01:14:38.407 --> 01:14:41.952 Especially the kind that make coffee for you in the morning before they go. 01:14:43.996 --> 01:14:47.124 That was a joke. Bah-dum-bah. 01:14:47.208 --> 01:14:50.252 A little wacky wordplay. 01:14:50.336 --> 01:14:53.089 Wha-What do you mean, "visitors"? 01:14:53.172 --> 01:14:55.132 Was I being too obscure? 01:14:55.216 --> 01:15:00.387 The kind that, until recently, had no dicks and would stay the night. 01:15:01.680 --> 01:15:05.601 So, uh, that was until recently, right? 01:15:05.684 --> 01:15:07.770 Uh, yeah. 01:15:13.692 --> 01:15:17.780 Hey! Foul! Foul! He was traveling or something. 01:15:17.863 --> 01:15:22.159 So, nobody but me has spent the night at your place since we got together? 01:15:22.201 --> 01:15:24.161 Somethin' on your mind, Holden? 01:15:24.203 --> 01:15:28.624 - Just wondering. - If I've been faithful or something? 01:15:28.707 --> 01:15:32.128 I was just asking. 01:15:32.211 --> 01:15:35.506 Oh, sweetie. 01:15:35.548 --> 01:15:38.968 I only have eyes for you. 01:15:43.556 --> 01:15:48.310 If you don't start usin' that whistle, I'm gonna jam it straight up your ass! 01:15:48.394 --> 01:15:50.312 Right? 01:15:51.814 --> 01:15:54.817 What's uh-- What's with "Finger Cuffs"? 01:16:08.414 --> 01:16:10.374 "Finger Cuffs"? 01:16:10.416 --> 01:16:15.296 In your senior yearbook your nickname was Finger Cuffs. What does that mean? 01:16:15.379 --> 01:16:18.048 - It was? - Yeah. 01:16:18.132 --> 01:16:21.844 Shit. Damned if I can remember. 01:16:21.927 --> 01:16:25.097 I'd look it up, but I threw all that shit out years ago. 01:16:25.181 --> 01:16:28.058 - Where'd you see a North yearbook? - Do you know a Rick Derris? 01:16:30.227 --> 01:16:33.105 - Rick Derris? - Yeah. 01:16:35.399 --> 01:16:38.402 Sure. We used to hang out in high school. 01:16:38.486 --> 01:16:40.863 Punch him in the fuckin' neck, number 12! 01:16:40.946 --> 01:16:44.158 Come on. Come on! 01:16:44.241 --> 01:16:46.660 Did you guys, like, date or something? 01:16:46.744 --> 01:16:50.998 Date Rick Derris? No, no. We just hung out a lot. 01:16:51.082 --> 01:16:53.501 Just-Just you and Rick. 01:16:53.584 --> 01:16:57.588 No. Me, Rick and, um-- 01:16:57.671 --> 01:16:59.882 God, what was his name? 01:16:59.965 --> 01:17:02.259 Um-- What was his name? 01:17:02.301 --> 01:17:04.804 - What was his name? - Cohee. 01:17:04.845 --> 01:17:07.098 Yes! Cohee! Cohee Lundin! 01:17:07.181 --> 01:17:09.433 God, I haven't thought about that name in years. 01:17:12.645 --> 01:17:16.148 Those guys used to come over to my house almost every day after school. 01:17:16.232 --> 01:17:20.361 They'd bug my sisters, look through my dad's closet for porno tapes, 01:17:20.444 --> 01:17:22.530 raid the fridge. 01:17:22.613 --> 01:17:25.699 They really took advantage of my parents' never being home. 01:17:29.161 --> 01:17:31.122 This one day, 01:17:31.163 --> 01:17:35.126 Rick pulled his dick out and started chasing me around the house with it. 01:17:35.209 --> 01:17:37.378 Right in front of Cohee, man. I couldn't believe it. 01:17:40.840 --> 01:17:43.801 Rick pulled his dick out? Really? 01:17:43.843 --> 01:17:46.429 What did you do? 01:17:46.512 --> 01:17:49.140 I blew him while Cohee fucked me! 01:17:54.186 --> 01:17:57.314 - Excuse me? - That's what you wanted to hear. 01:17:57.398 --> 01:18:02.445 That's what this little cross-examination of your is all about? 01:18:02.528 --> 01:18:04.989 Well, next time try not to make it so obvious, all right? 01:18:05.030 --> 01:18:09.452 There's subtler ways of badgering a witness. Am I right? 01:18:09.535 --> 01:18:12.788 Geez, man. Even I knew what you were gettin' at. 01:18:12.872 --> 01:18:16.292 If you wanted background information on me, all you had to do was ask. 01:18:16.375 --> 01:18:18.335 I would have gladly volunteered it. 01:18:18.377 --> 01:18:20.921 You didn't have to go playing Hercule-fucking-Poirot. 01:18:27.052 --> 01:18:29.013 Told ya these were good seats. 01:18:38.773 --> 01:18:41.692 Hey. Hey! 01:18:43.736 --> 01:18:46.030 - Hey, would you wait a minute? - Get the fuck off me! 01:18:46.072 --> 01:18:50.201 - So it's true, right? - Is that what you wanna hear? 01:18:50.242 --> 01:18:52.203 Yeah, Holden, it's true. 01:18:52.244 --> 01:18:56.207 In fact, everything you heard or dug up on me is probably true. 01:18:56.290 --> 01:18:58.709 Yeah, I took on two guys at once! 01:18:58.751 --> 01:19:02.213 You wanna hear some gems you might not have unearthed? 01:19:02.296 --> 01:19:05.382 I took a 26-year-old guy to my senior prom... 01:19:05.424 --> 01:19:09.845 and left to have sex with him and Gwen Turner in the back of a limo. 01:19:09.929 --> 01:19:14.975 How about in college when I let Shannon Hamilton videotape us having sex, 01:19:15.059 --> 01:19:19.688 only to find out he broadcast it on the campus cable station. 01:19:19.772 --> 01:19:24.735 They're all true. Didn't you know? I am the queen of suburban legend! 01:19:24.777 --> 01:19:27.029 Did you somehow fuckin' fail to mention this to me? 01:19:27.113 --> 01:19:29.365 What the fuck's wrong with you? How could you do all those things? 01:19:29.448 --> 01:19:30.950 Easily! 01:19:31.033 --> 01:19:35.913 Some I did out of stupidity, some I did out of what I thought was love. 01:19:35.955 --> 01:19:38.999 But good or bad, they are my choices, 01:19:39.083 --> 01:19:42.128 and I am not making apologies for them now! 01:19:42.211 --> 01:19:45.589 Not to you, or not to anyone! 01:19:45.631 --> 01:19:50.511 And how dare you lay a guilt trip on me about it, in public, no less? 01:19:50.594 --> 01:19:54.140 Who the fuck do you think you are, you judgmental prick? 01:19:54.223 --> 01:19:56.475 How the fuck am I supposed to feel about all this? 01:19:56.559 --> 01:19:58.727 How are you supposed to feel about it? 01:19:58.811 --> 01:20:02.648 Feel whatever the fuck you want to about it, all right? 01:20:02.690 --> 01:20:07.027 The only thing that matters is how you feel about me. 01:20:08.946 --> 01:20:11.157 - I don't know how I feel about you now. - Why? Why? 01:20:11.240 --> 01:20:13.951 - Because I had some sex? - Some sex? 01:20:13.993 --> 01:20:18.539 Yes, Holden. That's all it was, some sex. 01:20:18.622 --> 01:20:20.958 Most of it stupid high school sex. 01:20:21.000 --> 01:20:23.502 Like you never had sex in high school. 01:20:23.544 --> 01:20:27.840 There is a world of fucking difference between typical high school sex... 01:20:27.923 --> 01:20:31.802 and getting fucked by two fuckin' guys at the same time! 01:20:31.844 --> 01:20:36.182 - They fuckin' used you. - No! I used them! 01:20:36.223 --> 01:20:40.561 You don't think I would have let it happen if I hadn't wanted to, do you? 01:20:40.644 --> 01:20:44.732 I was an experimental girl, for Christ's sake! 01:20:44.815 --> 01:20:49.111 Maybe you knew early on that your track was from point A to B, 01:20:49.195 --> 01:20:53.032 but, unlike you, I was not given a fucking map at birth. 01:20:53.074 --> 01:20:55.284 So I tried it all. 01:20:55.367 --> 01:21:00.539 That is until we-- that's you and I-- got together. 01:21:00.623 --> 01:21:03.626 And suddenly I was sated. 01:21:03.709 --> 01:21:07.254 Can't you take some fucking comfort in that? 01:21:07.338 --> 01:21:11.342 You turned out to be all I was looking for, 01:21:11.425 --> 01:21:15.763 the missing piece in the big fucking puzzle. 01:21:20.392 --> 01:21:24.980 Look, I'm sorry I let you believe you were the only guy I'd ever been with. 01:21:25.064 --> 01:21:28.109 I should have been more honest. 01:21:28.192 --> 01:21:32.405 But it just didn't-- It seemed to make you feel special in a way... 01:21:32.446 --> 01:21:38.369 that me telling you over and over how incredible you are wouldn't get across. 01:21:39.453 --> 01:21:42.456 Holden, I'm sorry. 01:21:42.540 --> 01:21:44.542 Just don't do that. 01:21:47.795 --> 01:21:52.842 Do you mean to tell me that, while you have zero problem... 01:21:52.925 --> 01:21:55.886 with me sleeping with half the women in New York City, 01:21:55.970 --> 01:21:59.390 you have some sort of half-assed, mealy-mouthed objection... 01:21:59.473 --> 01:22:03.185 to pubescent antics that took place almost ten years ago? 01:22:03.269 --> 01:22:06.522 What the fuck is your problem? 01:22:08.023 --> 01:22:10.609 I want us to be something that we can't be. 01:22:10.651 --> 01:22:12.611 And what's that? 01:22:12.653 --> 01:22:15.114 A normal couple. 01:22:16.991 --> 01:22:20.911 So why don't you give your little voice a rest 01:22:20.995 --> 01:22:24.123 - Fuck! - Come on up inside my bed 01:22:24.165 --> 01:22:27.877 And just pretend you need me 01:22:29.628 --> 01:22:34.175 You don't have to lie about what you know 01:22:34.300 --> 01:22:39.889 Even though I've been sufferin' 01:22:41.599 --> 01:22:45.561 And I don't need to be your only one 01:22:45.644 --> 01:22:48.647 I don't need your comforting 01:22:48.731 --> 01:22:52.902 I just need you with me 01:22:54.403 --> 01:22:58.866 Stay, stay, stay with me 01:22:58.949 --> 01:23:03.412 Stay, stay with me 01:23:04.997 --> 01:23:06.916 Stay and don't you ever roll away from me 01:23:06.957 --> 01:23:08.417 The girl? 01:23:10.836 --> 01:23:12.755 Stay 01:23:12.838 --> 01:23:17.134 Stay with me 01:23:17.218 --> 01:23:19.178 Oh, and did she ever 01:23:25.976 --> 01:23:29.438 Well, look at this morose motherfucker right here. 01:23:32.566 --> 01:23:36.070 Smells like someone shit in his cereal. Nooch. 01:23:36.112 --> 01:23:38.531 What took you guys so long? What are you, at the mall again? 01:23:38.614 --> 01:23:43.077 Bitch, don't even start, all right? We stopped that shit years ago. 01:23:43.119 --> 01:23:45.079 Toss the salad. 01:23:51.001 --> 01:23:54.088 Damn, this likeness rights shit is more profitable than sellin' smoke. 01:23:55.673 --> 01:23:58.134 How did a dirt merchant like you ever learn about likeness rights? 01:23:58.217 --> 01:24:01.720 We deal to a lot of lawyers. You know what I'm sayin'? 01:24:01.804 --> 01:24:05.433 Speaking of which-- A little signin' bonus and shit? 01:24:05.516 --> 01:24:11.313 No, I'll pass. Did you guys take a look at the issue? 01:24:11.397 --> 01:24:13.941 Yeah. 01:24:14.024 --> 01:24:18.279 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 01:24:18.320 --> 01:24:20.448 You need to throw some pussy in that book, man. 01:24:20.531 --> 01:24:23.367 Like, throw some supervillain with big fuckin' tits... 01:24:23.451 --> 01:24:26.328 that shoot milk or somethin', and I'll just, like, suck her dry... 01:24:26.370 --> 01:24:28.998 and bust some moves on her. 01:24:32.960 --> 01:24:36.338 Then she has to fuck me. I mean, fuck us. 01:24:36.380 --> 01:24:38.966 I'll see what I can do. 01:24:40.926 --> 01:24:44.847 - All right, boys. What'll it be? - I'm all set, thanks. 01:24:44.930 --> 01:24:49.101 Yo, Flo. Tell Mel to whip me up a toasted bagel with cream cheese. 01:24:49.185 --> 01:24:54.231 You want one too? Make that two, and kiss my grits. Nooch. 01:24:55.983 --> 01:24:59.653 Did you ever watch that show, Alice? That show was funny as hell, man. 01:24:59.695 --> 01:25:04.200 So why the long face, horse? Banky on the rag? 01:25:04.283 --> 01:25:07.536 I'm just, uh-- I'm just havin' a little girl trouble. 01:25:07.578 --> 01:25:10.164 Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot. 01:25:10.206 --> 01:25:13.834 No. I'm just, uh-- 01:25:15.294 --> 01:25:17.505 I'm just at a point where I don't really know what to do. 01:25:17.546 --> 01:25:21.300 Kick her to the fuckin' curb. Girls get to be too much trouble. 01:25:21.383 --> 01:25:24.512 There's always the band... of the hand. 01:25:26.055 --> 01:25:28.891 Can't do it, G. I'm in love. 01:25:28.974 --> 01:25:33.020 Nah, there ain't no such thing. You got to boil it down to the essentials. 01:25:33.104 --> 01:25:37.900 Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money 01:25:39.568 --> 01:25:43.030 Thanks, guys. That's just what I needed. Advice from the 'hood. 01:25:43.072 --> 01:25:47.743 - So who is this girl? - Oh, I don't think you know her. 01:25:48.994 --> 01:25:51.831 Come on, man. I'm people who know people. 01:25:51.914 --> 01:25:53.833 You sound like Barbra Streisand. 01:25:53.916 --> 01:25:56.669 Maybe 'cause I got this tubby bitch playin' her greatest hits tape... 01:25:56.752 --> 01:25:58.671 in my ear all the time. 01:25:58.754 --> 01:26:02.967 You gotta see it. When she starts singin' "You Don't Bring Me Flowers," 01:26:03.050 --> 01:26:06.178 this faggot starts cryin' like a little girl with a skinned knee and shit. 01:26:06.262 --> 01:26:10.099 Big fuckin' softie. So what's the skirt's name? 01:26:10.182 --> 01:26:12.601 I'm tellin' ya, man. You don't know the girl. 01:26:12.643 --> 01:26:16.939 I ain't playin', man. Come on, tell me her name, Mysterio. 01:26:18.649 --> 01:26:20.609 Alyssa Jones. 01:26:22.862 --> 01:26:25.781 Holy fuckin' shit. Finger Cuffs? 01:26:25.823 --> 01:26:30.494 You're dating Finger Cuffs, you silly son of a bitch? 01:26:30.578 --> 01:26:32.788 Wait a second. I thought she was all gay and shit. 01:26:32.830 --> 01:26:35.750 She was, or she is. I don't know. 01:26:35.791 --> 01:26:38.919 And you're dating her. Man, you're a lucky fuck. 01:26:38.961 --> 01:26:40.921 She ever bring bitches to bed with you? 01:26:40.963 --> 01:26:43.174 Get a little of that Filet-O-Fish sandwich goin' on? 01:26:43.257 --> 01:26:45.760 Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about, baby. Right? 01:26:45.843 --> 01:26:49.722 What's up? Yeah. So four tits and what? 01:26:49.805 --> 01:26:53.476 - No, man. It's not like that. - What's it like, then? 01:26:53.559 --> 01:26:57.438 Right now? I don't know. 01:26:57.521 --> 01:27:00.483 I love her, you know? But, uh, she has a past. 01:27:00.566 --> 01:27:04.487 I'll say. Stuffin' two guys, eatin' chicks out and shit. 01:27:04.528 --> 01:27:06.822 You know, I heard one time she had this dog-- 01:27:06.906 --> 01:27:10.117 Eat your fuckin' bagel already and shut up. 01:27:10.201 --> 01:27:14.121 Look at this touchy motherfucker right here. 01:27:14.205 --> 01:27:16.665 So if you're all in love and shit, what's the problem? 01:27:16.707 --> 01:27:20.377 The problem is stupid shit like that. 01:27:20.461 --> 01:27:22.296 It was bad enough when it was just girls, you know? 01:27:22.379 --> 01:27:26.300 You throw guys into the mix-- two guys at once, no less-- 01:27:26.383 --> 01:27:29.470 All that experience, you know? What am I supposed to think? 01:27:29.553 --> 01:27:34.475 Think "good," ya fuckin' ninny shithead, 'cause now she'll be all true and blue. 01:27:34.558 --> 01:27:39.355 Bitch tasted life. Now she's settlin' for your borin' funny-book-makin' ass. 01:27:39.438 --> 01:27:42.650 Settling for my boring ass. That's comforting. Thanks, Jay. 01:27:42.733 --> 01:27:47.696 - That's what I'm here for. - I'm just havin' a problem with it. 01:27:47.780 --> 01:27:51.992 It's like I can't get these visuals out of my head of her doing all this shit. 01:27:52.076 --> 01:27:56.455 And I don't know why I can't let it go, 'cause I'm crazy about this girl. 01:27:56.539 --> 01:28:00.543 - I look at her, I see kids, grandkids-- - You're scarin' me. 01:28:00.626 --> 01:28:03.254 Yeah, well, I'm scarin' myself 'cause I think so much of this girl... 01:28:03.337 --> 01:28:06.382 that I can't get stupid shit like "Finger Cuffs" out of my head. 01:28:08.008 --> 01:28:11.720 I don't know. I don't know what I'm doin'. 01:28:15.266 --> 01:28:17.226 Chasin' Amy. 01:28:19.061 --> 01:28:22.231 What? What did you say? 01:28:24.442 --> 01:28:27.570 - You're chasing Amy. - What do you look so shocked for, man? 01:28:27.653 --> 01:28:31.615 Fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks 'cause he don't say anything... 01:28:31.699 --> 01:28:34.368 it'll have some huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth. 01:28:34.452 --> 01:28:36.370 Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? 01:28:36.454 --> 01:28:40.875 Always yap-yap-yapping all the time. Give me a fuckin' headache. 01:28:40.958 --> 01:28:43.753 I went through somethin' like what you're talkin' about a couple years ago. 01:28:43.836 --> 01:28:46.130 - This chick named Amy. - When? 01:28:47.548 --> 01:28:49.759 A couple of years ago. 01:28:49.842 --> 01:28:52.052 What, she live in Canada or something? Why don't I remember this? 01:28:52.136 --> 01:28:54.096 Bitch, what you don't know about me... 01:28:54.138 --> 01:28:56.098 I could just about squeeze in the Grand-fucking-Canyon. 01:28:56.140 --> 01:29:00.561 Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas? Huh? 01:29:00.644 --> 01:29:04.356 Bet you didn't even know that shit, did you? 01:29:04.440 --> 01:29:07.276 Just tell your fuckin' story so we can get out of here and smoke this. 01:29:09.028 --> 01:29:13.908 So there's me and Amy. And we're inseparable. Just big-time in love. 01:29:13.991 --> 01:29:16.911 Then four months down the road the idiot gear kicks in, 01:29:16.994 --> 01:29:20.456 and I ask about the ex-boyfriend which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. 01:29:20.498 --> 01:29:23.918 You don't want to know, but you just have to know. 01:29:24.001 --> 01:29:25.920 Stupid guy bullshit. 01:29:26.003 --> 01:29:28.464 So, anyway, she starts tellin' me about him. 01:29:28.547 --> 01:29:32.843 They fell in love, went out for a couple of years, lived together. 01:29:32.927 --> 01:29:36.847 Her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm okay. 01:29:36.889 --> 01:29:39.934 But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: 01:29:40.017 --> 01:29:43.312 It seems that a couple of times, while they were goin' out, 01:29:43.354 --> 01:29:45.648 he brought some people to bed with them. 01:29:45.731 --> 01:29:48.109 Menage-a-trois, I believe it's called. 01:29:48.192 --> 01:29:51.654 Now this just blows my mind, right? I'm not used to this sort of thing. 01:29:51.737 --> 01:29:56.117 - I was raised Catholic, for God's sakes. - Saint Shithead. 01:29:56.200 --> 01:29:58.119 Do somethin'. 01:29:58.202 --> 01:30:01.455 So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And I just start blastin' her. 01:30:01.539 --> 01:30:04.291 I don't know how to deal with what I'm feelin', so I figure the best way is... 01:30:04.375 --> 01:30:07.336 if call her "slut," right, and tell her she was used. 01:30:07.420 --> 01:30:10.506 I'm out for blood. I really want to hurt this girl. 01:30:10.548 --> 01:30:14.427 "What the fuck is your problem?" And she's just calmly trying to tell me, 01:30:14.510 --> 01:30:18.431 "It was that time, that place," and she doesn't think she should apologize... 01:30:18.514 --> 01:30:20.599 because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. 01:30:20.683 --> 01:30:25.479 I'm like, "Oh, really?" I look her in the eye and tell her it's over. I walk. 01:30:27.273 --> 01:30:29.358 Fuckin' A. 01:30:29.442 --> 01:30:32.153 No, idiot. It was a mistake. 01:30:32.236 --> 01:30:34.321 I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. 01:30:34.363 --> 01:30:38.159 You know, at that moment I felt small, like I'd lacked experience, 01:30:38.200 --> 01:30:42.747 like I'd never be on her level, never be enough for her or something like that. 01:30:42.830 --> 01:30:46.250 But what I did not get, she didn't care. 01:30:46.333 --> 01:30:50.880 She wasn't lookin' for that guy anymore, she was lookin' for me, for the Bob. 01:30:50.963 --> 01:30:56.177 But by the time I figured this all out, it's too late, man. She moved on. 01:30:56.218 --> 01:31:00.055 All I had to show for it was foolish pride which then gave way to regret. 01:31:01.682 --> 01:31:06.020 She was the girl. I know that now. 01:31:06.061 --> 01:31:08.856 But... 01:31:10.441 --> 01:31:12.985 I pushed her away. 01:31:18.991 --> 01:31:23.287 So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy. 01:31:25.372 --> 01:31:27.333 So to speak. 01:31:27.416 --> 01:31:32.171 Enough of this fuckin' melodrama. My advice? Forget her, dude. 01:31:32.254 --> 01:31:36.634 There's one bitch in the world, one bitch with many faces. 01:31:36.717 --> 01:31:41.222 Get up, tons of fun. We gotta book. 01:31:41.305 --> 01:31:45.059 - Catchin' a bus to Chi-town. - Why? What's there? 01:31:45.101 --> 01:31:48.854 Business, yo. How many more of those fat envelopes we get comin' to us? 01:31:48.938 --> 01:31:51.774 Uh, I don't know. 01:31:51.816 --> 01:31:54.276 I don't know how much longer the book's gonna be around. 01:31:54.360 --> 01:31:57.446 Yeah, good. I'll be glad as shit when it's gone. 01:31:57.530 --> 01:32:01.700 There's a million people who'd love to see themself in a comic book. 01:32:01.784 --> 01:32:04.495 But that ain't like us at all, all slapsticky and shit, 01:32:04.578 --> 01:32:06.247 runnin' around like a couple of dickheads. 01:32:06.288 --> 01:32:09.208 Sayin'-- What's that shit he got us sayin'? 01:32:09.291 --> 01:32:12.628 Oh, um... "snootchie-bootchies." 01:32:12.670 --> 01:32:18.092 "Snootchie-bootchies." Who the fuck talks like that? That is baby talk. 01:32:19.802 --> 01:32:23.013 It's a big world, G. We're bound to run into you again. 01:32:23.097 --> 01:32:26.976 - Till then, keep your unit on ya. - I'll try. 01:32:27.017 --> 01:32:30.479 No, no, no, no, no. Do or do not. There is no try-- 01:32:30.563 --> 01:32:34.859 Knock that shit off! We got a bus to catch. 01:32:34.942 --> 01:32:38.904 Jedi bitch. Man, what do you always have to tell that fuckin' gay story for? 01:32:38.988 --> 01:32:40.865 - Man, shut up. - You shut up, you fat fuck. 01:33:30.164 --> 01:33:32.124 Okay. 01:33:32.208 --> 01:33:36.754 You guys are probably wondering why I asked you here at the same time... 01:33:36.837 --> 01:33:40.549 knowing that we have shit to settle between us separately. 01:33:40.633 --> 01:33:43.886 I just figured you wanted to kill two birds with one stone. 01:33:43.969 --> 01:33:46.806 You know, by telling her to fuck off with me here... 01:33:46.889 --> 01:33:49.350 so you wouldn't have to go through the story again later on. 01:33:49.391 --> 01:33:52.812 - Fuck you. - Not even if you let me videotape it. 01:33:52.895 --> 01:33:55.856 Okay, enough. All right? 01:33:57.274 --> 01:34:00.319 Enough. 01:34:00.403 --> 01:34:04.365 Now, I've been going over and over and over this whole thing, 01:34:04.407 --> 01:34:07.076 and I've dissected it a thousand different ways. 01:34:07.118 --> 01:34:10.830 Banky, there's tension between you and I for the first time in our lives. 01:34:10.913 --> 01:34:15.668 You hate me dating Alyssa and you want me to sign off on this cartoon thing. 01:34:15.751 --> 01:34:17.920 How perceptive. 01:34:17.962 --> 01:34:18.462 Alyssa, 01:34:22.299 --> 01:34:24.343 you and I have hit a wall... 01:34:24.427 --> 01:34:28.889 'cause I don't know how to deal with your, uh, your past, I guess. 01:34:28.931 --> 01:34:30.891 That's a nice way of putting it. 01:34:30.933 --> 01:34:32.935 I'd have said "the whole double stuff" thing. 01:34:39.525 --> 01:34:43.112 I'm only gonna tell you this once: Shut up. 01:34:45.531 --> 01:34:47.450 Now, 01:34:47.533 --> 01:34:51.579 I know I'm to blame one way or another on both accounts. 01:34:51.662 --> 01:34:55.624 Alyssa, with you because... I feel inadequate, 01:34:55.708 --> 01:34:58.961 because you've had such a big life and so much experience, 01:34:59.003 --> 01:35:01.756 and my life's been pretty small in comparison. 01:35:01.839 --> 01:35:05.009 - That doesn't matter to me. - Please. 01:35:05.092 --> 01:35:08.387 I have to get through this, okay? 01:35:08.471 --> 01:35:13.225 Banky, I know why you're having such a hard time with me and Alyssa. 01:35:13.309 --> 01:35:16.228 It's something that's been obvious forever and I guess-- 01:35:16.312 --> 01:35:19.482 I guess I just didn't acknowledge it. 01:35:21.025 --> 01:35:22.985 You're in love with me. 01:35:25.237 --> 01:35:27.156 What? 01:35:27.239 --> 01:35:32.036 You're attracted to me. Just as, in a way, I guess I'm... attracted to you. 01:35:32.119 --> 01:35:34.830 It makes sense. We've been together so long, we have so much in common. 01:35:34.872 --> 01:35:37.833 Well, I gotta get goin'. 01:35:37.875 --> 01:35:40.461 I gotta catch the last few minutes of Little House. 01:35:49.053 --> 01:35:51.680 It's somethin' you're gonna have to deal with, Bank. 01:35:53.182 --> 01:35:55.392 And that would explain your jealousy of Alyssa, 01:35:55.476 --> 01:35:58.145 your homophobia, your sense of humor-- 01:35:58.229 --> 01:36:00.981 Jesus, just 'cause a guy's got a predilection toward dick jokes-- 01:36:01.065 --> 01:36:03.734 Bank. Stop. 01:36:03.818 --> 01:36:06.862 Deal with it. You'll feel much better. 01:36:09.240 --> 01:36:11.450 Okay. 01:36:16.497 --> 01:36:20.418 Now, you guys are probably asking yourselves the same question... 01:36:20.459 --> 01:36:24.422 that I've been going over and over in my head the past few weeks: 01:36:24.505 --> 01:36:26.424 What does one have to do with the other? 01:36:26.507 --> 01:36:27.716 Don't. 01:36:27.800 --> 01:36:31.387 And when I did some serious soul-searching, 01:36:31.429 --> 01:36:33.722 it came to me from outta nowhere. 01:36:33.764 --> 01:36:38.894 And it all made sense. And a calm came over me. 01:36:38.936 --> 01:36:42.022 I know what we have to do. 01:36:42.106 --> 01:36:46.360 And then you, Banky, you, Alyssa, and I-- 01:36:46.444 --> 01:36:51.365 all of us-- can finally be... all right. 01:36:51.449 --> 01:36:53.659 Please don't say it. 01:36:56.287 --> 01:36:59.206 We've all gotta have sex together. 01:37:08.507 --> 01:37:10.468 I mean, look, don't you see? 01:37:10.509 --> 01:37:14.263 That would take care of everything. 01:37:14.305 --> 01:37:17.349 Alyssa, with you, I won't feel too inadequate or conservative anymore, 01:37:17.433 --> 01:37:20.603 because I'll have done something on a par with all your experience. 01:37:20.686 --> 01:37:25.399 And it will be with you, which will make it that much more powerful. 01:37:25.483 --> 01:37:27.401 Banky, you can take that leap... 01:37:27.485 --> 01:37:29.820 that everyone else but you sees you should take. 01:37:29.862 --> 01:37:33.240 And it'll be with me, your best friend for years. 01:37:33.324 --> 01:37:35.284 We've been everything to each other but intimates, 01:37:35.326 --> 01:37:37.953 and now we'll have been through that together too. 01:37:37.995 --> 01:37:40.790 And it won't be a total leap for you because a woman will be involved. 01:37:40.831 --> 01:37:44.960 And when it's over, all that hostility you feel toward Alyssa will be gone... 01:37:45.002 --> 01:37:47.838 because you'll have shared in something beautiful with the woman I love. 01:37:47.880 --> 01:37:50.633 It'll be cathartic. 01:37:50.674 --> 01:37:53.594 This will keep us together. 01:38:03.229 --> 01:38:05.689 What do ya say? 01:38:20.162 --> 01:38:22.081 Sure. 01:38:37.972 --> 01:38:40.975 You know I need this. 01:38:41.016 --> 01:38:43.602 You know it'll help. 01:38:43.686 --> 01:38:46.021 No. 01:38:46.105 --> 01:38:48.274 Thank Christ. 01:38:50.860 --> 01:38:53.154 Sorry. 01:38:59.076 --> 01:39:03.038 No? I thought you'd be into this. 01:39:03.122 --> 01:39:07.501 You did? What does that say about me? 01:39:07.585 --> 01:39:10.671 Sweetheart, you've done stuff like this before. 01:39:10.755 --> 01:39:12.673 This should be no big deal for you. 01:39:12.757 --> 01:39:17.136 You don't want this. You really don't want this. 01:39:17.178 --> 01:39:22.892 No, I do want this. This has to happen. Can't you see that? 01:39:22.975 --> 01:39:27.563 I mean, how can you not? No? What does that say about me? 01:39:27.646 --> 01:39:29.982 You can take it from two guys whose names you can hardly remember, 01:39:30.024 --> 01:39:34.236 but I ask you to share an experience about intimacy, and you say no? 01:39:34.320 --> 01:39:38.824 - I can't. - Baby, yes, you can. 01:39:38.866 --> 01:39:43.120 I'll be there. And when it's over we'll be the strongest we've ever been... 01:39:43.204 --> 01:39:45.122 'cause we'll have been through this together. 01:39:45.206 --> 01:39:49.168 Then we'll be on the same level and there'll be nothing we can't accomplish. 01:39:49.251 --> 01:39:52.379 Oh, Holden. 01:39:54.715 --> 01:39:56.884 That time is over for me. 01:39:56.967 --> 01:39:58.886 I've been there and I've done it... 01:39:58.969 --> 01:40:02.890 and I didn't find what I was looking for in any of it. 01:40:02.932 --> 01:40:06.894 I found that it you. In us. 01:40:06.936 --> 01:40:10.606 Doing this won't help you forget about the things you're hung up on. 01:40:10.689 --> 01:40:15.069 - It'll create more. - No. I've thought about all that. 01:40:15.152 --> 01:40:18.114 Yes, it will! 01:40:20.950 --> 01:40:25.162 Maybe you'll see me differently from then on. 01:40:25.246 --> 01:40:30.418 Maybe you'll despise me for going along with it once you're in the moment. 01:40:30.501 --> 01:40:32.420 Maybe I'll moan differently, 01:40:32.503 --> 01:40:36.424 and then you'll resent Banky and become suspicious of us. 01:40:36.465 --> 01:40:39.468 Or you'll alienate him because of it. 01:40:39.552 --> 01:40:45.224 You'll grow to blame and hate me for the deterioration of your friendship. 01:40:45.266 --> 01:40:48.519 Or what if-- and God, I sincerely doubt it-- 01:40:48.602 --> 01:40:52.732 but what if I saw something in Banky that I've never seen before, 01:40:52.815 --> 01:40:56.944 you know, and I fell in love with him and left you? 01:40:58.028 --> 01:41:02.158 I've been down roads like this before. 01:41:02.241 --> 01:41:04.160 Many times. 01:41:07.204 --> 01:41:11.751 I know you feel doing this will broaden your horizons... 01:41:11.834 --> 01:41:15.129 and give you experience. 01:41:15.212 --> 01:41:20.050 But I've had those experiences, on my own. 01:41:20.134 --> 01:41:23.679 And I can't accompany you on yours. 01:41:23.763 --> 01:41:26.307 I'm past that now. 01:41:31.979 --> 01:41:35.524 Or maybe I just love you too much. 01:41:35.608 --> 01:41:41.072 And I feel hurt and let down that you would want to share me with anyone. 01:41:42.156 --> 01:41:45.534 Because I would never want to share you. 01:41:57.671 --> 01:42:00.424 Regardless, 01:42:00.508 --> 01:42:03.344 I can't be a part of this. 01:42:03.385 --> 01:42:07.890 Or you. Not anymore. 01:42:10.059 --> 01:42:14.146 I love you. 01:42:14.188 --> 01:42:16.690 I always will. 01:42:16.732 --> 01:42:19.693 Know that. 01:42:26.200 --> 01:42:29.370 But I'm not your fucking whore. 01:42:34.417 --> 01:42:36.377 He's yours again. 01:43:34.977 --> 01:43:36.937 A blast from the past. 01:43:36.979 --> 01:43:39.774 Do you know how much it's going for these days? $110. 01:43:39.815 --> 01:43:41.817 You sign it, it'll push that up even higher. 01:43:41.901 --> 01:43:44.612 You sell it I want a kickback. 01:43:44.695 --> 01:43:46.155 I don't know if it's true, 01:43:46.197 --> 01:43:48.324 but I heard once there was going to be an animated series? 01:43:48.407 --> 01:43:50.659 - There was going to be. - What happened? 01:43:50.743 --> 01:43:53.746 You're lookin' at it. No Chronic, no cartoon. 01:43:53.829 --> 01:43:57.166 - That would have been awesome! - Tell me about it. 01:43:57.249 --> 01:44:00.002 So is that what happened with you and Holden McNeil? 01:44:00.086 --> 01:44:02.588 You got into a fight over the rights or something? 01:44:02.671 --> 01:44:05.966 - It was more complicated than that. - Whatever happened to that guy? 01:44:06.050 --> 01:44:08.844 I don't know. Quit the biz, I guess. 01:44:08.928 --> 01:44:10.930 So, you guys don't talk anymore? 01:44:11.013 --> 01:44:14.934 No. Not really. 01:44:15.017 --> 01:44:19.355 Yeah. That happened to me once. Me and this guy started a comic club. 01:44:19.438 --> 01:44:24.443 And we got into a fight over who looked better in bare legs, Electra or Robin. 01:44:24.527 --> 01:44:30.282 Anyway, I disbanded the club and struck out on my own, kinda like Nomad. 01:44:30.366 --> 01:44:33.994 I'm rambling on now. What I meant to say is... 01:44:34.078 --> 01:44:36.789 that you probably shouldn't have killed off Chronic. 01:44:36.872 --> 01:44:41.252 Guess not. Some doors just shouldn't be opened. 01:44:41.335 --> 01:44:44.004 Oh, like the door to death in Baby Dave's Winter Special, 01:44:44.088 --> 01:44:46.048 which you did on your own. 01:44:46.090 --> 01:44:50.344 See? You don't need that McNeil guy, anyway. You do great work on your own. 01:44:50.386 --> 01:44:54.515 Look at your line work. Look at all the detail in this douche bag on page 18. 01:44:54.557 --> 01:44:56.350 Look at how you draw a fart. 01:44:56.392 --> 01:44:59.729 And tell me you're not better off without Holden McNeil. 01:44:59.812 --> 01:45:02.398 I mean, you were just carrying that guy like a brown-bag lunch, 01:45:02.481 --> 01:45:04.400 you know what I'm saying? 01:45:04.483 --> 01:45:08.237 - You're so right. - Yeah, well, the true fans always are. 01:45:08.320 --> 01:45:13.325 Well, keep up the good work, man. Love those dick jokes. Love 'em. 01:45:15.661 --> 01:45:17.580 See ya. 01:45:20.082 --> 01:45:22.042 Yeah. 01:45:24.336 --> 01:45:26.255 Bye. 01:45:38.017 --> 01:45:40.227 Okay. Who's next? 01:45:41.979 --> 01:45:43.939 Hi. 01:45:50.112 --> 01:45:53.032 Thanks for readin' it. 01:45:53.115 --> 01:45:56.077 I can't believe this place. These people are so weird. 01:45:56.160 --> 01:45:58.120 You wanted to come. 01:45:58.162 --> 01:46:00.498 God, I can't believe you call these people contemporaries. 01:46:00.581 --> 01:46:03.125 Look at this guy over here with the pointy ears? What's that? 01:46:03.209 --> 01:46:05.127 - He's a Vulcan. - A what? 01:46:05.211 --> 01:46:07.588 A Vulcan. Jesus, potzer. 01:46:07.630 --> 01:46:10.132 Why don't you take a walk and get us something to drink? 01:46:10.216 --> 01:46:11.634 Okay, I will. 01:46:30.528 --> 01:46:32.530 Um, this isn't one of mine. 01:46:32.613 --> 01:46:34.532 It's mine. 01:46:36.200 --> 01:46:38.369 I saved you a copy. 01:46:41.664 --> 01:46:43.582 Hi. 01:46:43.666 --> 01:46:45.584 Hi. 01:46:45.668 --> 01:46:48.003 How've you been? 01:46:48.045 --> 01:46:52.508 Uh, good. Really good. Yourself? 01:46:52.550 --> 01:46:54.510 Good. 01:47:01.225 --> 01:47:04.812 The new issue's selling like crazy, for some reason. 01:47:04.895 --> 01:47:08.607 Yeah, well, it's because it's really good. I liked it a lot. 01:47:08.691 --> 01:47:10.609 Thank you. 01:47:13.237 --> 01:47:15.906 I haven't even seen this yet. Did it just come out? 01:47:15.990 --> 01:47:19.535 Uh, oh, about a month ago. I did a really small run. 01:47:19.577 --> 01:47:21.704 Self-financed, only about 500 issues. 01:47:21.746 --> 01:47:24.415 Will I enjoy it? 01:47:25.624 --> 01:47:28.127 You might. It's familiar subject matter. 01:47:45.644 --> 01:47:49.440 Looks like a very personal story. 01:47:52.610 --> 01:47:56.697 I finally had something personal to say. 01:48:01.702 --> 01:48:05.247 Well, I'm gonna go. I don't wanna hold up your line here. 01:48:05.289 --> 01:48:07.875 Yeah. 01:48:07.958 --> 01:48:11.879 I mean, it can get ugly. I just saw this nun call a small child a cunt-rag. 01:48:20.304 --> 01:48:22.723 You know, read that, if you have a minute. 01:48:22.807 --> 01:48:25.267 I will. 01:48:28.979 --> 01:48:33.901 If you get the chance, call me. I'd like to hear your thoughts, or... whatever. 01:48:33.984 --> 01:48:36.737 Okay. 01:48:38.322 --> 01:48:40.241 Okay. 01:48:42.576 --> 01:48:44.703 It was really nice seeing you again. 01:48:44.787 --> 01:48:47.998 It was really nice to see you too. 01:49:01.512 --> 01:49:04.807 - Who was that? - Huh? 01:49:04.890 --> 01:49:06.767 Who was that? 01:49:16.694 --> 01:49:20.781 Oh, just some guy I knew. 01:49:34.086 --> 01:49:37.882 Next. So, what do you want to do tonight? 01:49:39.216 --> 01:49:44.680 I was tappin' my foot on a Friday night 01:49:44.764 --> 01:49:49.727 To my favorite band I was pushed aside 01:49:49.810 --> 01:49:54.732 I said hey, don't push me No, no, no one pushes me 01:49:54.815 --> 01:49:59.737 When I was face to face with a woman I admired 01:49:59.820 --> 01:50:02.239 And she gave me this look 01:50:02.364 --> 01:50:04.700 I could not believe 01:50:04.784 --> 01:50:09.914 And the cold stare remained I wanted to leave 01:50:12.333 --> 01:50:17.588 Yeah, I do believe anger is offset by sorrow 01:50:17.671 --> 01:50:22.468 But you destroy today you might regret tomorrow 01:50:22.551 --> 01:50:25.179 When you're young and defensive 01:50:25.221 --> 01:50:27.556 It comes off offensive 01:50:27.640 --> 01:50:32.561 And it's hard to repay the tolerance that you borrowed 01:50:32.603 --> 01:50:37.775 The lasting relationship sinks right off the pier 01:50:37.858 --> 01:50:42.446 Who wears the pants It's faded but clear 01:50:44.949 --> 01:50:49.412 She's your girlfriend and she ain't too fond of me 01:50:49.453 --> 01:50:55.167 I guess if that's the way it was meant to be 01:50:55.251 --> 01:51:00.131 There we were just we three 01:51:00.214 --> 01:51:03.884 You, your girlfriend and me 01:51:26.949 --> 01:51:31.912 I've known you forever You two just met 01:51:31.954 --> 01:51:36.542 So easily amused how fast we forget 01:51:36.625 --> 01:51:41.756 Ain't my jealousy my self-righteous greed 01:51:41.797 --> 01:51:46.594 She's a bit like a book I'm too farsighted to read 01:51:46.635 --> 01:51:51.640 And I wish you the best but sometimes feel the need 01:51:51.724 --> 01:51:55.936 To say Remember me 01:51:58.439 --> 01:52:03.819 Yeah, she's your girlfriend as far as we can see 01:52:03.903 --> 01:52:08.824 Does she look at you the way she looks at me 01:52:08.866 --> 01:52:13.954 And here we are just we three 01:52:14.038 --> 01:52:18.542 You, your girlfriend and me 01:52:20.836 --> 01:52:25.674 She's your girlfriend it's gettin' harder to see 01:52:25.758 --> 01:52:30.554 Better just take her home Better just let her be 01:52:30.638 --> 01:52:35.851 When she walks out that door you come looking for me 01:52:49.949 --> 01:52:52.493 Man, what do you always have to tell that fuckin' gay story for? 01:52:52.535 --> 01:52:55.162 - Man, shut up. - You shut up, you fat fuck. 01:52:55.186 --> 01:53:15.186 Telegram Channel and Instagram Page .:: @bollbolljan_com ::.