WEBVTT

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..:: Presented By ZarFilm Website ::..
‏.::  www.bolboljan.net ::.

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They're fighting again!

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Oh, boy.

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Don't! Wait! Not my homework!

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No! Stop it! No!

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Problem, gentlemen?

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Hey, dork-brain!

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If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat your face off.

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If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat your face off.

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You're calling me a girl?

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You called me one!

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You asked for it.

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Now get out of here!

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Forget those guys.

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They're jealous because you're
smart and funny.

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And girls like that.

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What girls?

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Lots of girls.

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I mean... I like you.

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I don't like you. Now everybody
thinks I need a girl to fight for me.

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You are a dork-brain.

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My nose!

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Wimp!

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Moe and Larry in the house.

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Grant, what have we got out back?

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All clear, sir.

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Matthews, what do you got?

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Returnable cans, sir.

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I'm up to 75 cents.

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Hey, we got a cab.

00:02:50.840 --> 00:02:52.215
Here comes Curly.

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The Three Stooges.

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Check it out, Ivan's packing.

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Thank you! We've got a briefcase.

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Hart, waiting for visual confirmation.

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No disc yet.

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Suitcase is opening.

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This woman's ass is in the way.

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Hart, we can't see a damn thing.
We need to see the discs.

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- This broad's got two asses!
- Do something!

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Excuse me.

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You wanting something else?

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Yeah. You know what?
I really love this borscht.

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Or, as they say in Russian:

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We got the discs.

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We're moving in!

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Get down!

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Keep your hands where I can see them!

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No English.

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Nobody moves until I see
some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"!

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Sir, he's turning purple!

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Hart, until we secure, you stay.

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That is one really, really
purple Russian, sir!

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He's still armed! Nobody moves!

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Hands up! Back off!

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No, sir. He's not gonna die.

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He's not good enough for that.

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His victims didn't get a chance
to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?

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Now you're going down.

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Drop the guns or I'll kill her.

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Ivan, out the back.

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You're not killing anyone.

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Party's over!

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How's your head, my little piroshki?

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This is gonna put you away
for a long time.

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Let's get that ambulance in here!

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- Shut up!
- Stay with me!

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- I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry. You did a great job!

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Nice work. See you back there.

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Come on, Hart. The van's waiting.

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I got Grant shot.
I shouldn't have moved.

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Come on, you made a choice.

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It was wrong, but that's it.
It's over.

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By the way, you look like hell.

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- Morning, Mrs. Schwartz. Schnatzie.
- Good morning, Gracie.

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Hart.

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Yes, sir.

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ETA, 20 minutes.

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No problem. Breakdown?

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Yes, sir. Negative.
Do not need assistance.

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Ten-four. Yes, sir, I know it's hot.

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Hey, you cannot park--

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It's an emergency. Official business.

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Aside, please. Thank you.

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Official business. Step aside.

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Hey, get lost! I'm waiting here.

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FBI. You might want
to stay out of this.

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Excuse me.
Sir, ma'am, please back off.

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All right. I need eight double-tall--

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Eight double-tall lattes.
One with no foam.

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Five decaf lattes with a long straw.

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Four caramel macchiattos.

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Double up on the cup.

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Two blueberry scones
with the little granules on top...

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...and one Starbucks compilation CD.

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No! I would like....

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What's going on? Where's McDonald?

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Could we put out an APB
on my Frappuccino?

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It's in the bag. Did he say anything
about last night?

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Relax. Don't annoy him.
Don't say anything. Don't argue.

00:11:29.407 --> 00:11:32.161
I don't argue. I never argue.
When do I argue?

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I might have a heated discussion
with somebody.

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Is this you not arguing?
Because you suck at it.

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Morning, everybody.

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Morning, sir. It's....

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Sir.

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Okay, everybody.

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I know you're all concerned
about Grant's condition.

00:11:50.471 --> 00:11:52.639
So I'm happy to report...

00:11:53.181 --> 00:11:56.769
...Jerry's gonna be fine. He'll be
out of the hospital in two weeks.

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He says he's expecting lots of gifts.

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Okay, everybody.

00:12:02.525 --> 00:12:06.445
So much for the good news. We got
another letter from the Citizen.

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Arson, explosives, poison...

00:12:09.281 --> 00:12:11.951
...this guy never works
the same way twice.

00:12:13.618 --> 00:12:15.746
The only thing we know for sure...

00:12:16.247 --> 00:12:19.249
...is, we get these letters full
of incomprehensible riddles...

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...he strikes and suddenly
the clues make sense.

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This one is down in Intelligence.

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Hopefully, we'll get a lead
before somebody gets killed.

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In the meantime...

00:12:29.677 --> 00:12:32.512
...Matthews, get a team together.

00:12:32.805 --> 00:12:35.600
Sir, you want me to take point?

00:12:35.809 --> 00:12:37.893
For five years you've wanted it.

00:12:38.145 --> 00:12:41.481
Last night, you earned it.
Pick your team.

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I want preliminaries by 3.
That's it.

00:12:45.569 --> 00:12:46.571
Sir...?

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Who's buying me lunch?

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Sir, I would like to talk
about what happened last night.

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I didn't exactly follow orders--

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"Exactly" follow orders?
There's no such thing.

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You follow orders or you don't.

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No arguments, sir. None whatsoever.

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Until the hearing,
you're out of the field.

00:13:06.339 --> 00:13:08.549
The hearing is totally warranted.

00:13:08.758 --> 00:13:11.344
Wouldn't I be better
on the Citizen case?

00:13:11.553 --> 00:13:14.014
I have a background
in profiling and decoding.

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I could contribute.

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Like you contributed last night?

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By putting yourself
and 5 agents in jeopardy?

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I'll save the rest
for the review board.

00:13:22.064 --> 00:13:25.317
You will bury yourself
under a mountain of paperwork.

00:13:25.525 --> 00:13:27.485
Discussion is over.

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Mike, give me a pint.

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Rough day?

00:13:49.549 --> 00:13:51.052
The worst.

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Sure you want a whole one?

00:13:53.221 --> 00:13:55.933
Yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby.

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Hey, Einstein. If you figure out
that Citizen letter, let me know.

00:14:02.854 --> 00:14:05.774
Congratulations on the op.
It's a big shot.

00:14:06.400 --> 00:14:07.568
Thanks.

00:14:08.028 --> 00:14:09.822
How are you doing? You okay?

00:14:10.071 --> 00:14:11.405
I'm good.

00:14:13.659 --> 00:14:15.077
You're starting early today.

00:14:15.285 --> 00:14:18.079
Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced.
Want to join me?

00:14:18.412 --> 00:14:21.416
I'd love to, but I have
a pressing social engagement.

00:14:22.208 --> 00:14:23.167
Beth!

00:14:23.751 --> 00:14:25.087
Brownie meeting.

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Mike, give me a beer and....

00:14:28.131 --> 00:14:29.591
Milk. Give her milk.

00:14:30.050 --> 00:14:31.717
White wine spritzer.

00:14:32.052 --> 00:14:34.428
Are most of the people in here agents?

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As a matter of fact, here's
an agent. Gracie Hart.

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Beth Carter.

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Right back to you.

00:14:42.771 --> 00:14:46.399
Beth is an undergrad at Vassar,
doing a paper on law enforcement.

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I'm helping her get an inside look.

00:14:48.694 --> 00:14:50.821
I bet she'll do the same for you.

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Gracie, I would love to get
a woman's point of view.

00:14:54.490 --> 00:14:57.911
You're barking up the wrong tree.
Right, Hart?

00:14:59.288 --> 00:15:02.666
Do all the women have to wear
those really masculine shoes?

00:15:06.087 --> 00:15:09.631
I get these made special by the guy
that put the tattoo on my ass.

00:15:09.841 --> 00:15:12.634
We'll leave you with Ben and Jerry.
Catch you later.

00:15:12.842 --> 00:15:15.470
- Nice meeting you.
- You too.

00:15:17.806 --> 00:15:19.850
Hope you have a good time at the mall.

00:15:20.101 --> 00:15:21.768
Wohop is the place.

00:15:21.977 --> 00:15:25.315
Wohop is good, but if you like
variety, you go to La Chinita Linda.

00:15:25.522 --> 00:15:26.983
Their rice and beans are slamming.

00:15:27.191 --> 00:15:29.860
I don't want variety.
I get pork fried rice every--

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I figured it out! I tried to create
a content-based pattern...

00:15:33.530 --> 00:15:34.823
...similar to his previous letters.

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But this time, he used a signifier.

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In this case, the word "miss"...

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...in the subsequent letters.
Will you let me finish?

00:15:43.416 --> 00:15:45.418
It's the Miss United States Pageant.

00:15:45.627 --> 00:15:48.462
Yeah. Intelligence thought so too.

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What do we got?

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Miss United States from San Antonio,
Texas, home of the Alamo.

00:15:53.968 --> 00:15:55.303
I forgot the Alamo.

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The pageant lasts three days.
Preliminaries, conferences...

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...the live telecast.
It's a logistical nightmare.

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Not just a babe-fest.

00:16:04.020 --> 00:16:06.856
Jesus, we've only got 48 hours.

00:16:07.189 --> 00:16:09.192
Okay, gentlemen.

00:16:09.984 --> 00:16:11.444
Where do we start?

00:16:17.283 --> 00:16:21.205
You might want to call the network and
pageant people. Set up a meeting.

00:16:23.414 --> 00:16:26.501
Because you'll probably need
their cooperation.

00:16:28.462 --> 00:16:30.673
Yeah, I can do that. Let's do that.

00:16:30.922 --> 00:16:32.508
What about jurisdiction?

00:16:32.841 --> 00:16:35.219
The Citizen has been ours
from the start.

00:16:35.427 --> 00:16:37.846
You might want to call San Antonio.

00:16:38.055 --> 00:16:40.307
Grease some wheels so they like us...

00:16:40.516 --> 00:16:42.016
...when we need manpower and tech.

00:16:42.225 --> 00:16:43.686
While I'm at it, let's do that.

00:16:43.850 --> 00:16:44.852
Good idea.

00:16:45.019 --> 00:16:47.981
He loves to make a splash.
His target will be public...

00:16:48.189 --> 00:16:50.984
...like one of these outdoor prelims
or a TV broadcast.

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Telecasters at the convention center.

00:16:53.195 --> 00:16:56.991
We're gonna need surveillance
on the interior perimeter.

00:16:57.158 --> 00:16:59.743
We'll need more.
There's a million places...

00:16:59.951 --> 00:17:03.580
...only these bikini-stuffers can go:
backstage areas, hotel rooms....

00:17:03.788 --> 00:17:05.666
We need to get somebody in there.

00:17:05.916 --> 00:17:08.044
Yeah! Now I'm thinking...

00:17:08.919 --> 00:17:10.004
...undercover.

00:17:10.254 --> 00:17:11.715
Good idea, boss.

00:17:11.922 --> 00:17:13.257
I got just the girl.

00:17:18.387 --> 00:17:20.139
That's nothing. Check this out.

00:17:20.347 --> 00:17:23.685
Compliments of my daughter:
the "Dress Up Sally" web site.

00:17:33.569 --> 00:17:35.280
What did I tell you? Hot, right?

00:17:35.487 --> 00:17:36.488
Yeah, baby.

00:17:37.156 --> 00:17:38.950
You got a little problem.

00:17:39.158 --> 00:17:40.451
She's perfect!

00:17:40.702 --> 00:17:41.910
Look to the left.

00:17:43.955 --> 00:17:45.415
Down... down....

00:17:46.374 --> 00:17:48.418
- There you go.
- "On maternity leave"?

00:17:48.626 --> 00:17:49.878
That's not gonna work.

00:17:50.085 --> 00:17:52.757
Not unless it's
"The Miss Lamaze Pageant."

00:17:58.386 --> 00:18:00.472
Can you do a search?

00:18:00.722 --> 00:18:03.559
Female field agents under 35.

00:18:15.820 --> 00:18:16.988
Jensen, Jensen!

00:18:28.668 --> 00:18:32.046
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I got it, I got it!

00:18:42.973 --> 00:18:44.017
Oh, no!

00:18:44.225 --> 00:18:45.518
That's right, that's right!

00:18:49.271 --> 00:18:51.606
You think that's good?
Check this out.

00:18:51.857 --> 00:18:53.359
I got the winner right here.

00:18:53.608 --> 00:18:54.527
Scorekeepers ready?

00:19:00.534 --> 00:19:02.451
This is the best part.

00:19:15.214 --> 00:19:16.632
He's right behind me, isn't he?

00:19:16.841 --> 00:19:18.760
Not really my color, is it?

00:19:19.928 --> 00:19:21.137
Sir, we were just...

00:19:21.721 --> 00:19:24.474
...looking for someone
to go undercover at the pageant.

00:19:25.558 --> 00:19:27.394
And I'm the best we have.

00:19:27.602 --> 00:19:29.479
It doesn't inspire much confidence.

00:19:30.354 --> 00:19:31.689
Get back to work.

00:19:32.189 --> 00:19:35.861
- Hart, shouldn't you be at a desk?
- Yes, sir.

00:19:37.195 --> 00:19:39.906
You don't say anything?
Made me look like an idiot.

00:19:40.116 --> 00:19:42.741
Do I have eyes in the back of my head?

00:19:42.993 --> 00:19:45.452
- He was standing right behind me.
- What were we gonna say?

00:19:45.619 --> 00:19:46.787
- What?
- This one.

00:19:47.789 --> 00:19:49.166
Are you kidding? It's Hart.

00:19:49.374 --> 00:19:51.710
Cut it off. Let's go back to work.

00:19:55.965 --> 00:19:57.007
Very funny.

00:19:57.257 --> 00:19:58.758
Hold on. That's not bad.

00:19:59.010 --> 00:20:03.597
Hold on, nothing. Hit the save button
because you won't see that again.

00:20:09.436 --> 00:20:11.646
- What do you say?
- No freaking way.

00:20:11.856 --> 00:20:12.982
Why not?

00:20:13.191 --> 00:20:16.028
I won't parade around in a swimsuit
like some bimbo...

00:20:16.194 --> 00:20:20.031
...named Gracie Lou Freebush,
and all she wants is world peace.

00:20:21.406 --> 00:20:22.782
It wouldn't be like that.

00:20:22.992 --> 00:20:25.243
You'd be on the undercover team.

00:20:25.494 --> 00:20:27.245
Right. In a thong.

00:20:29.291 --> 00:20:30.917
In a tasteful one-piece!

00:20:31.125 --> 00:20:33.585
You do a few butt-shaping exercises...

00:20:33.837 --> 00:20:35.255
...you could pull this off.

00:20:35.420 --> 00:20:36.964
You know what? Pull this off.

00:20:37.214 --> 00:20:38.925
Is it because McDonald hates me?

00:20:39.049 --> 00:20:41.260
Or is it, like, a woman thing?

00:20:44.096 --> 00:20:47.059
Don't kid yourself.
Nobody thinks of you that way.

00:20:51.854 --> 00:20:53.482
He's punishing me, isn't he?

00:20:53.648 --> 00:20:56.025
I had to beg him to let you do this.

00:20:56.274 --> 00:20:58.945
That's right. Like it or not,
you screwed up, pal.

00:20:59.153 --> 00:21:00.446
Sit down, sit down.

00:21:07.746 --> 00:21:10.457
I've never been in a beauty pageant.

00:21:10.623 --> 00:21:13.751
I don't even own a dress.
I don't even own a brush.

00:21:17.004 --> 00:21:19.715
Which part of that
is supposed to shock me?

00:21:28.810 --> 00:21:30.434
Let's suspend reality for a second...

00:21:30.685 --> 00:21:32.103
...and pretend I said yes.

00:21:32.353 --> 00:21:34.314
I got to do everything? Like...

00:21:34.606 --> 00:21:37.192
...the whole big hair
and the makeup and--

00:21:37.400 --> 00:21:38.443
Damn right.

00:21:38.694 --> 00:21:42.906
The spinning, the twirling, the
smiling, the cute little tap number.

00:21:44.409 --> 00:21:45.659
Hundred bucks on Matthews.

00:21:46.243 --> 00:21:48.161
I don't know. She's got rage.

00:21:50.748 --> 00:21:52.207
I'll take that bet.

00:22:03.719 --> 00:22:05.471
Yeah, baby.

00:22:07.180 --> 00:22:08.473
So you're saying...

00:22:08.724 --> 00:22:11.059
...I have to wear the bathing suit?

00:22:11.351 --> 00:22:14.604
Yeah, you have
to wear the bathing suit.

00:22:15.272 --> 00:22:16.481
Okay.

00:22:19.068 --> 00:22:20.653
You go, girl.

00:22:23.281 --> 00:22:25.323
Where am I gonna put my gun?

00:22:25.699 --> 00:22:28.036
No place I want to know about.

00:22:29.786 --> 00:22:33.625
What could possibly motivate anybody
to enter a beauty pageant?

00:22:33.833 --> 00:22:36.127
Scholarship money,
a chance to see the world...

00:22:36.335 --> 00:22:38.212
...broaden your horizons--

00:22:38.463 --> 00:22:41.758
So join the Marines. It's like
feminism never even happened.

00:22:41.925 --> 00:22:45.928
Any woman that does this is catering
to misogynistic Neanderthal mentality.

00:22:46.178 --> 00:22:48.348
I dated Young Miss Scarsdale.

00:22:48.556 --> 00:22:50.516
Can you really be this superficial?

00:22:50.725 --> 00:22:52.352
Hard to believe, right?

00:22:52.561 --> 00:22:53.603
Here we are.

00:22:54.228 --> 00:22:56.856
Therefore, we'd like to use
one of our team undercover.

00:22:57.066 --> 00:22:58.775
Am I hearing this correctly?

00:22:58.984 --> 00:23:03.363
Kathy, these people want
to put one of their agents...

00:23:03.780 --> 00:23:05.073
...in the pageant.

00:23:05.281 --> 00:23:06.406
They want her to win?

00:23:06.617 --> 00:23:08.201
No, ma'am.

00:23:09.118 --> 00:23:11.330
We will need your help
with the judging...

00:23:11.580 --> 00:23:13.874
...so our agent is in the top five...

00:23:14.124 --> 00:23:17.085
...to have access to
all the areas at all times.

00:23:17.294 --> 00:23:19.587
- Absolutely not.
- Miss Morningside...

00:23:19.796 --> 00:23:21.964
...we understand how important
this beauty pageant--

00:23:22.173 --> 00:23:23.592
Excuse me.

00:23:23.925 --> 00:23:25.968
This is not a beauty pageant.

00:23:26.177 --> 00:23:28.263
This is a scholarship program.

00:23:28.430 --> 00:23:31.225
And it has been ever since my reign.

00:23:31.391 --> 00:23:34.437
I fully intend on maintaining
that credo.

00:23:34.645 --> 00:23:35.979
Absolutely, Miss Morningside.

00:23:36.230 --> 00:23:38.856
We're here to protect the girls.
Women.

00:23:39.023 --> 00:23:40.275
Scholarship ladies.

00:23:41.820 --> 00:23:45.824
There's nothing more important to me
than the safety of my girls.

00:23:46.031 --> 00:23:48.952
I'd rather cancel the pageant
than have them blown up.

00:23:49.326 --> 00:23:51.036
Especially without their knowledge.

00:23:51.703 --> 00:23:54.956
We went to the network to cancel,
but they refused.

00:23:55.165 --> 00:23:56.290
We can't force them.

00:23:57.960 --> 00:23:59.086
I'm confused.

00:23:59.294 --> 00:24:01.130
What state is she going to be from?

00:24:01.296 --> 00:24:03.214
All the winners have been chosen.

00:24:03.967 --> 00:24:08.138
We recently discovered some
information about Miss New Jersey.

00:24:08.346 --> 00:24:11.975
And her performance in a little
film called Arma Get It On.

00:24:12.683 --> 00:24:14.101
Was that her?

00:24:14.435 --> 00:24:15.727
Oh, yeah!

00:24:16.395 --> 00:24:19.606
She was gonna drop out pretty soon,
if you know what I mean.

00:24:23.861 --> 00:24:26.239
Do you have an agent in mind?

00:24:31.160 --> 00:24:32.161
Sorry.

00:24:33.996 --> 00:24:36.791
Let me get you
Victor Melling's number.

00:24:36.958 --> 00:24:37.958
Frank.

00:24:38.126 --> 00:24:39.668
He's our pageant consultant.

00:24:40.253 --> 00:24:41.421
Frank.

00:24:41.963 --> 00:24:43.798
Maybe he can do something to help.

00:24:43.965 --> 00:24:44.967
Frank!

00:24:49.554 --> 00:24:51.389
This is my assistant, Frank Tobin.

00:24:51.764 --> 00:24:53.391
Hi, everyone.

00:24:53.600 --> 00:24:56.478
Would you get these people
Victor's number, please?

00:24:56.686 --> 00:24:58.062
And get me a spring water.

00:24:58.230 --> 00:24:59.814
And tuck in your shirt.

00:25:01.567 --> 00:25:04.194
That, that was... a water for you...

00:25:04.360 --> 00:25:05.696
...and....

00:25:05.905 --> 00:25:08.364
Victor Melling's number.

00:25:23.380 --> 00:25:24.757
Mr. Melling.

00:25:24.964 --> 00:25:26.050
How are you?

00:25:30.763 --> 00:25:34.266
If you are Grace Hart,
I quit here and now.

00:25:36.810 --> 00:25:38.605
I'm having a bad hair day.

00:25:39.396 --> 00:25:41.274
Bad hair decade, really.

00:25:41.565 --> 00:25:43.150
I'm Eric Matthews. We spoke.

00:25:43.525 --> 00:25:45.027
Your hair is perfect.

00:25:45.193 --> 00:25:47.112
However, I can't accept this job.

00:25:47.320 --> 00:25:50.199
There's no way I can make
this woman ready in two days.

00:25:50.574 --> 00:25:53.954
Please, Mr. Melling,
give it a chance. Sit down.

00:25:54.161 --> 00:25:56.414
Have lunch. Totally on the Bureau.

00:25:56.957 --> 00:26:00.127
I suppose that would be
the civilized thing to do.

00:26:01.752 --> 00:26:05.589
I'll take a rain check.
I got to take care of some FBI stuff.

00:26:05.799 --> 00:26:08.592
That thing I told you
about that I gotta do.

00:26:08.759 --> 00:26:11.679
But I'll see you later.
We'll hang out. You like caps?

00:26:12.472 --> 00:26:14.599
I'll get you an official FBI cap.

00:26:15.267 --> 00:26:16.434
See you later.

00:26:17.477 --> 00:26:18.602
What a pity.

00:26:19.771 --> 00:26:21.731
- Are you hungry?
- Yeah.

00:26:21.898 --> 00:26:23.941
- Yes.
- Yeah.

00:26:24.150 --> 00:26:27.612
It is always "yes,"
never "yeah." Sit down.

00:26:28.863 --> 00:26:32.867
Miss United States is always
well-spoken and polite.

00:26:33.118 --> 00:26:34.245
Do you understand?

00:26:34.494 --> 00:26:35.829
Watch the hands, garçon.

00:26:36.037 --> 00:26:37.664
- Excuse me.
- It's all right.

00:26:38.290 --> 00:26:41.376
I have a feeling we're going to need
a drop cloth later.

00:26:54.223 --> 00:26:56.641
Could I have another
cabernet sauvignon?

00:26:56.849 --> 00:26:58.435
Another keg for you?

00:26:58.810 --> 00:27:01.439
- I'm good, thanks.
- That's okay, Philip.

00:27:01.688 --> 00:27:05.400
So, how long have you been doing
this pageant-training thing?

00:27:05.650 --> 00:27:06.610
I'm sorry?

00:27:07.153 --> 00:27:11.574
What was the question? I was
distracted by a half-masticated cow...

00:27:11.824 --> 00:27:14.784
...rolling around
in your wide-open trap.

00:27:14.993 --> 00:27:16.786
Excuse me? What is your problem?

00:27:16.995 --> 00:27:18.121
- Problem?
- Yeah.

00:27:18.330 --> 00:27:20.876
I mean, yes.
Have I offended you in some way?

00:27:21.083 --> 00:27:25.129
You've been completely antagonistic
to me from the second I walked in.

00:27:25.296 --> 00:27:28.049
I was once the most
sought-after, highly paid...

00:27:28.299 --> 00:27:30.385
...consultant in pageant history.

00:27:30.592 --> 00:27:32.594
I had no idea.

00:27:33.720 --> 00:27:37.600
Every season, girls would plead
with me to train them.

00:27:37.891 --> 00:27:40.019
Ten out of 11 years...

00:27:40.227 --> 00:27:42.229
...my girls were crowned.

00:27:42.481 --> 00:27:45.942
The year we lost,
the winner was a deaf-mute.

00:27:46.233 --> 00:27:47.903
You can't beat that.

00:27:50.403 --> 00:27:51.530
Then...

00:27:52.449 --> 00:27:54.200
...in '96...

00:27:54.533 --> 00:27:58.204
...my girl froze like a puddle halfway
through her aria from La Bohème.

00:27:58.704 --> 00:28:02.041
Afterwards, she told
a reporter from Pageant Magazine...

00:28:02.250 --> 00:28:04.002
...that I was a perfectionist...

00:28:04.210 --> 00:28:07.880
...who had harangued her
to within an inch of her sanity.

00:28:08.213 --> 00:28:11.634
Of course,
after that article came out...

00:28:13.260 --> 00:28:14.929
...nobody wanted me.

00:28:19.101 --> 00:28:21.853
Okay. With all due respect here...

00:28:22.062 --> 00:28:24.564
...why did Miss Morningside
suggest you?

00:28:24.730 --> 00:28:27.484
Because I am the best.

00:28:31.154 --> 00:28:35.325
Or perhaps it's because everyone else
worth having had a contestant.

00:28:35.950 --> 00:28:39.914
They had their Southern belles,
their Midwestern farmers' daughters.

00:28:40.122 --> 00:28:43.041
Spunky Western cowgirls.

00:28:43.291 --> 00:28:44.376
And I have...

00:28:46.502 --> 00:28:47.963
...Dirty Harriet.

00:28:52.009 --> 00:28:53.803
Will you desist?

00:28:54.177 --> 00:28:55.138
Yeah.

00:28:55.345 --> 00:28:56.931
Yes.

00:29:02.144 --> 00:29:03.562
Oh, my God.

00:29:03.770 --> 00:29:06.064
I haven't seen a walk like that
since Jurassic Park.

00:29:06.231 --> 00:29:10.277
It's been working really well for me
for the past 30 years, all right?

00:29:10.486 --> 00:29:12.446
Well, glide, now. Glide.

00:29:13.949 --> 00:29:15.532
Don't look down, don't look down.

00:29:15.742 --> 00:29:20.245
Don't look down, look up. Your chin
should be parallel to the floor.

00:29:20.496 --> 00:29:22.123
Now glide. Glide.

00:29:22.832 --> 00:29:25.293
It's not the bloody Ice Capades.

00:29:25.500 --> 00:29:26.960
Gliding.

00:29:27.837 --> 00:29:31.299
No, no. Don't pick your feet up.
Don't pick your feet up.

00:29:31.506 --> 00:29:32.967
Why are you picking your feet up?

00:29:33.217 --> 00:29:34.970
Because I'm preparing to run away.

00:29:35.179 --> 00:29:36.928
No, wait. Wait.

00:29:37.095 --> 00:29:38.097
Watch me.

00:29:38.264 --> 00:29:39.932
Glide. Glide.

00:29:43.644 --> 00:29:45.313
See? Glide.

00:29:45.522 --> 00:29:48.275
It's all in the buttocks.
Don't I look pretty?

00:29:48.650 --> 00:29:51.403
It takes a very secure man
to walk like that.

00:29:55.364 --> 00:29:56.825
Roll your hips.

00:29:57.033 --> 00:29:59.826
Head up, head up. Keep gliding--

00:30:00.746 --> 00:30:02.039
I'm gliding here!

00:30:02.246 --> 00:30:03.332
What are you, blind?

00:30:03.539 --> 00:30:04.874
Asshole.

00:30:40.035 --> 00:30:42.871
Look how she walks. She's floating.

00:30:43.039 --> 00:30:46.376
Lightly ascending
from cloud to cloud...

00:30:46.709 --> 00:30:48.336
...towards heaven.

00:30:49.921 --> 00:30:52.214
He takes one look at that fake rack...

00:30:52.422 --> 00:30:54.342
...he's gonna send her right back.

00:30:57.219 --> 00:31:01.139
Look, she's gonna cry again.
"If I only had a brain!"

00:31:02.100 --> 00:31:04.727
I am somewhat less than amused.

00:31:12.610 --> 00:31:14.279
How's she doing?

00:31:15.487 --> 00:31:17.700
With some intensive work...

00:31:17.991 --> 00:31:21.285
...she'll be ready for the world's
finest trailer park.

00:31:22.203 --> 00:31:23.454
Thank you!

00:31:27.750 --> 00:31:29.335
Both painful...

00:31:29.543 --> 00:31:31.087
...and grotesque.

00:31:31.546 --> 00:31:32.839
Isn't it?

00:31:37.303 --> 00:31:38.970
Oh, my God!

00:31:49.147 --> 00:31:52.443
Mr. Vic, we got everything
you asked for. Where do we start?

00:31:52.650 --> 00:31:54.819
Teeth, hair, manicure, pedicure.

00:31:55.029 --> 00:31:56.238
Which one first?

00:31:56.447 --> 00:31:58.782
What are you gonna do to my teeth?

00:31:58.991 --> 00:32:02.410
Hopefully, remove the beer stains
and steak residue.

00:32:04.662 --> 00:32:06.373
Can't I get some Novocain?

00:32:06.664 --> 00:32:08.125
It's only a cleaning.

00:32:08.334 --> 00:32:10.627
Sweeney Todd, what are you doing?

00:32:10.836 --> 00:32:12.671
Your hair should make a statement.

00:32:12.880 --> 00:32:15.800
As long as it's not,
"Thanks for the Country Music Award."

00:32:15.967 --> 00:32:18.093
You'll be lucky
if I can get it untangled.

00:32:18.303 --> 00:32:19.302
No mercy.

00:32:19.469 --> 00:32:20.804
Can I borrow that drill?

00:32:23.307 --> 00:32:25.476
Attention. Attention.

00:32:25.683 --> 00:32:29.855
All hair removal units,
wax, electrolysis, laser...

00:32:30.064 --> 00:32:33.108
...to commence at 2300 hours.

00:32:55.173 --> 00:32:56.257
Bikini wax.

00:33:07.894 --> 00:33:09.269
How you doing?

00:33:09.480 --> 00:33:11.064
Ever seen one this big?

00:33:11.272 --> 00:33:12.775
Sandwich, I mean.

00:33:13.233 --> 00:33:15.025
That's a lot of meat.

00:33:19.572 --> 00:33:21.032
Thank you!

00:33:21.240 --> 00:33:23.617
Nobody said this job was easy.

00:33:37.800 --> 00:33:41.594
This earpiece lets you hear anybody
on our frequencies.

00:33:41.804 --> 00:33:44.682
I don't need it. With all this foil,
I'm getting HBO.

00:33:46.058 --> 00:33:47.518
This is a pin camera.

00:33:47.726 --> 00:33:49.685
There's an actual lens in there.

00:33:49.894 --> 00:33:52.772
It provides a digital video
feed to our hookups.

00:33:53.607 --> 00:33:55.400
Here's your new I.D.s.

00:33:55.567 --> 00:33:57.736
Pageant identity.

00:33:58.570 --> 00:34:00.238
Gracie Lou Freebush?

00:34:00.573 --> 00:34:01.949
I remembered you liked that.

00:34:02.158 --> 00:34:05.453
Well, my IQ just dropped 10 points.

00:34:08.997 --> 00:34:11.499
More... fluffy.

00:34:12.001 --> 00:34:14.794
Eyebrows. There should be two.

00:34:19.842 --> 00:34:22.053
Another two coats. And a sealant.

00:34:22.344 --> 00:34:23.804
Unbelievable.

00:34:25.680 --> 00:34:29.309
Where the hell is she? What could
possibly be taking this long?

00:35:03.344 --> 00:35:04.930
Hart, is that you?

00:35:05.138 --> 00:35:08.307
I'm in a dress, I have gel in my hair,
I haven't slept...

00:35:08.474 --> 00:35:11.812
...I'm starved and I'm armed.
Don't mess with me.

00:35:15.108 --> 00:35:17.317
I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm good.

00:35:18.528 --> 00:35:22.155
Yeah, that's her.
Mr. Vic, nice work!

00:35:22.364 --> 00:35:23.532
Thank you.

00:35:24.824 --> 00:35:26.451
My God, I'm good.

00:36:04.865 --> 00:36:07.076
Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up.

00:36:07.493 --> 00:36:09.912
"Operation Thong" has commenced.

00:36:11.247 --> 00:36:13.040
Why don't you stun-gun yourself?

00:36:13.707 --> 00:36:15.584
I knew she'd like that one.

00:36:16.835 --> 00:36:18.003
Victor?

00:36:18.504 --> 00:36:20.215
Try not to speak.

00:36:20.965 --> 00:36:22.300
Victor!

00:36:23.259 --> 00:36:25.304
Miss Morningside, if it's possible...

00:36:25.511 --> 00:36:27.638
...you look more radiant than ever.

00:36:28.639 --> 00:36:31.267
Then I guess it's possible.
Hello.

00:36:31.643 --> 00:36:32.642
Hi.

00:36:34.895 --> 00:36:35.856
Miss Hart?!

00:36:36.440 --> 00:36:38.232
I mean, Miss Freebush.

00:36:39.441 --> 00:36:43.362
Victor, I see you haven't
completely lost your touch.

00:36:43.571 --> 00:36:45.449
You look absolutely perfect.

00:36:45.740 --> 00:36:49.078
And you're just in time
for the orientation breakfast.

00:36:49.703 --> 00:36:51.537
You'll take the bags to the room?

00:36:51.704 --> 00:36:53.956
It's been a while
since you've been with us...

00:36:54.166 --> 00:36:56.459
...but you remember
how everything goes.

00:36:57.294 --> 00:37:00.464
One little mistake
and I'm a bloody bellhop.

00:37:02.089 --> 00:37:04.259
Ohio. Oh-hi-yo!

00:37:04.635 --> 00:37:06.637
Washington. Nice apples.

00:37:06.803 --> 00:37:09.765
Original. You come up with that
all by yourself?

00:37:11.349 --> 00:37:13.977
- Miss Greenbush!
- I got it. I got it.

00:37:14.144 --> 00:37:16.187
New Jersey? Welcome.

00:37:27.658 --> 00:37:30.285
- Who's she?
- Have you seen her before?

00:37:33.747 --> 00:37:36.501
Oh, hey, New Jersey?
This one's empty.

00:37:38.962 --> 00:37:39.963
Thanks.

00:37:40.170 --> 00:37:42.674
- I'm Cheryl from Rhode Island.
- Hi, I'm--

00:37:42.840 --> 00:37:46.677
Gracie Lou Freebush. I memorized
the orientation pamphlet.

00:37:46.843 --> 00:37:49.596
I know all 49 ladies
by name and picture.

00:37:49.805 --> 00:37:51.473
Fifty, including myself.

00:37:51.683 --> 00:37:55.853
Your picture wasn't there, so I knew
it was you from your lack of picture.

00:37:57.146 --> 00:38:00.442
How about a little song for the drive?

00:38:00.692 --> 00:38:03.193
I think you know the one I mean.

00:38:04.528 --> 00:38:08.032
From sea to shining sea

00:38:08.283 --> 00:38:11.661
Like Lady Liberty

00:38:11.870 --> 00:38:16.708
She reigns over all she sees

00:38:17.543 --> 00:38:21.169
She's beauty and she's grace

00:38:21.379 --> 00:38:23.714
She's Miss United States

00:38:28.220 --> 00:38:29.679
Entering Barbie-town.

00:38:29.887 --> 00:38:31.348
We're up and running.

00:38:31.556 --> 00:38:33.224
I love my job!

00:38:33.434 --> 00:38:35.227
- Not a bad view.
- Not at all.

00:38:35.477 --> 00:38:37.896
There's our table!

00:38:38.146 --> 00:38:40.105
I got here three days early
so I could--

00:38:40.316 --> 00:38:43.109
Look at all the hoochie mama!

00:38:43.276 --> 00:38:44.569
Not the pastry!

00:38:46.446 --> 00:38:51.326
Ladies, I would like you to meet
Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey.

00:38:51.534 --> 00:38:53.746
Karen Krantz, New York.

00:38:53.954 --> 00:38:55.247
What's up, Jersey?

00:38:55.456 --> 00:38:58.333
- Mary Jo Wright, Texas.
- Hi there.

00:38:58.500 --> 00:39:00.544
Belinda Brown, Tennessee.

00:39:00.752 --> 00:39:02.045
- I like that!
- Oh, yeah!

00:39:02.546 --> 00:39:04.340
Leslie Davis, California.

00:39:04.548 --> 00:39:05.550
Hey, girl.

00:39:05.758 --> 00:39:08.094
And Alana Krewson, Hawaii.

00:39:08.678 --> 00:39:09.511
Aloha.

00:39:09.720 --> 00:39:11.096
Aloha to you too!

00:39:11.305 --> 00:39:15.975
I want you all to know, I believe what
it says on the sign at the Alamodome.

00:39:16.185 --> 00:39:17.852
We are all winners.

00:39:18.187 --> 00:39:20.607
Hey, Hart! You think she's hungry?

00:39:20.814 --> 00:39:24.318
Most important, we're getting our
issues out there for people to hear.

00:39:24.526 --> 00:39:27.279
And it's an honor
to have made it this far.

00:39:27.446 --> 00:39:29.908
Especially when you're
from a small state--

00:39:30.116 --> 00:39:31.784
That's so true!

00:39:31.993 --> 00:39:34.411
- Us Rhode Islanders--
- I wasn't finished.

00:39:36.414 --> 00:39:37.748
Did it sound like I was?

00:39:37.956 --> 00:39:39.083
I'm sorry.

00:39:39.292 --> 00:39:41.460
Why are you apologizing to her?

00:39:41.669 --> 00:39:43.754
She's been drinking
too much Coppertone.

00:39:43.963 --> 00:39:46.424
- Are you talking to me?
- Yeah, I am.

00:39:47.467 --> 00:39:48.510
Question:

00:39:49.678 --> 00:39:53.222
In Hawaii, don't you use "Aloha"
for hello and goodbye?

00:39:53.764 --> 00:39:55.140
So?

00:39:55.933 --> 00:39:59.145
If you're on the phone with
someone who won't stop talking...

00:39:59.312 --> 00:40:01.773
...and you say "aloha,"
don't they start again?

00:40:08.487 --> 00:40:10.573
At least she thinks I'm funny.

00:40:11.157 --> 00:40:13.034
Hart? Hart, do you copy?

00:40:14.243 --> 00:40:16.579
- What's up?
- I don't know. It's not working.

00:40:16.704 --> 00:40:20.333
- It worked five minutes ago.
- Who put it together?

00:40:25.380 --> 00:40:27.424
Check one, check one--

00:40:29.883 --> 00:40:32.470
Thank you so much. Thank you.

00:40:33.178 --> 00:40:34.849
For the past 21 years...

00:40:35.014 --> 00:40:38.435
...it has been my honor to serve
as director of this pageant.

00:40:38.601 --> 00:40:42.189
And I know that this year will be
our most exciting event ever!

00:40:45.525 --> 00:40:47.778
Couple of geniuses I'm working with.

00:40:47.945 --> 00:40:51.990
After the rehearsal and a photo shoot,
you can settle into your rooms.

00:40:52.158 --> 00:40:55.578
Tomorrow we will
begin the preliminaries...

00:40:55.744 --> 00:40:58.247
...hosted by our
master of ceremonies...

00:40:58.413 --> 00:41:01.375
...an American institution,
Stan Fields.

00:41:06.546 --> 00:41:09.008
Thank you! Oh, thank you, Kathy!

00:41:10.676 --> 00:41:12.803
Let's go! Get it back online!

00:41:12.971 --> 00:41:14.472
- We're working on it.
- We're trying.

00:41:14.680 --> 00:41:16.141
Thank you, Kathy.

00:41:16.391 --> 00:41:18.559
Isn't she ravishing?!

00:41:19.727 --> 00:41:21.687
How does she do it?

00:41:21.855 --> 00:41:26.859
I look in the mirror and say,
"Who's that old man in my pajamas?"

00:41:29.986 --> 00:41:34.325
And even though I'll be
retiring this year....

00:41:36.370 --> 00:41:39.205
Well, don't cry for me... Alabama.

00:41:39.872 --> 00:41:42.666
That's so sad. He's retiring.

00:41:42.875 --> 00:41:44.668
He's not retiring.

00:41:44.878 --> 00:41:47.839
I spoke to him this morning,
and he blurted it out.

00:41:48.048 --> 00:41:52.427
They're firing him, going
for someone newer and younger.

00:41:53.429 --> 00:41:55.722
I hope it's Ricky Martin.

00:42:00.352 --> 00:42:01.937
Jesus Christ!

00:42:10.696 --> 00:42:14.950
I'm sorry. I had a bite of my bagel
and I forgot to pray.

00:42:18.787 --> 00:42:20.997
Dear Jesus, please forgive me...

00:42:21.207 --> 00:42:24.751
...for not praying before I had
a bite of my bagel and schmeer.

00:42:24.918 --> 00:42:26.212
Thank you very much.

00:42:26.504 --> 00:42:27.004
Amen.

00:43:26.771 --> 00:43:28.566
I hope I'm not disturbing you.

00:43:28.816 --> 00:43:31.152
Oh, no, I was just, you know...

00:43:31.610 --> 00:43:32.737
...grooming.

00:43:32.945 --> 00:43:35.782
I made some of my famous
hot chocolate.

00:43:40.912 --> 00:43:44.707
My roommate's asleep,
or she's starting to mold.

00:43:45.583 --> 00:43:47.710
But do you want to come in?

00:43:57.930 --> 00:43:59.848
I asked some of the other girls...

00:44:00.098 --> 00:44:03.185
...but when they heard "chocolate"
they slammed their doors.

00:44:03.352 --> 00:44:06.062
They didn't give me a chance
to say "nonfat."

00:44:07.606 --> 00:44:09.358
Well, here's to...

00:44:10.067 --> 00:44:11.484
...world peace.

00:44:11.943 --> 00:44:13.529
World peace.

00:44:20.661 --> 00:44:21.619
Hot.

00:44:21.828 --> 00:44:22.954
I'm sorry.

00:44:23.747 --> 00:44:25.248
I have to tell you...

00:44:25.499 --> 00:44:29.878
...I thought it was really great
how you settled that argument today.

00:44:30.213 --> 00:44:32.130
"Aloha, aloha."

00:44:32.382 --> 00:44:34.050
That's why you're gonna win.

00:44:34.509 --> 00:44:36.176
You're so clever.

00:44:36.344 --> 00:44:39.721
You should tell jokes for your talent.
What is your talent?

00:44:40.889 --> 00:44:43.392
It's-- It's kind of like....

00:44:43.767 --> 00:44:46.479
It's, you know,
it's like a surprise.

00:44:48.689 --> 00:44:51.358
But don't worry,
it's nothing embarrassing.

00:44:51.818 --> 00:44:54.905
Not anything like baton twirling
or anything.

00:44:57.030 --> 00:44:59.158
So, what's your talent?

00:45:01.577 --> 00:45:03.912
Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry.

00:45:05.205 --> 00:45:08.042
Twirling can be a real art.

00:45:08.251 --> 00:45:11.754
I saw this cheerleader doing it
at a football game.

00:45:11.964 --> 00:45:15.882
She lit her batons on fire
and did this sexy dance.

00:45:16.050 --> 00:45:18.010
I wish I could do something like that.

00:45:18.219 --> 00:45:19.263
Why can't you?

00:45:19.470 --> 00:45:22.223
My parents don't like
anything ostentatious.

00:45:22.474 --> 00:45:24.767
And they really don't like fire.

00:45:26.812 --> 00:45:31.233
Cheryl, I think you have as good
a chance as anyone to win.

00:45:31.483 --> 00:45:34.444
You believe in yourself
to have gotten this far, right?

00:45:35.278 --> 00:45:36.905
- Really?
- Yeah.

00:45:40.117 --> 00:45:43.704
You're so nice and so smart
and so sensitive.

00:45:43.912 --> 00:45:45.663
You're definitely gonna win.

00:45:45.873 --> 00:45:46.790
That's it.

00:45:47.291 --> 00:45:51.294
Excuse me. I am in the middle
of a REM cycle over here.

00:45:51.502 --> 00:45:53.129
- Sorry.
- I'm sorry.

00:46:24.661 --> 00:46:26.749
Not happening.

00:46:31.210 --> 00:46:33.087
- What?
- You took your earpiece out.

00:46:33.296 --> 00:46:34.796
- Vic needs you.
- Now?

00:46:35.047 --> 00:46:37.717
- I haven't slept in two days!
- I'll give you a cookie.

00:46:38.218 --> 00:46:40.136
It better be a big one.

00:46:42.388 --> 00:46:44.849
You don't walk, you float.

00:46:45.015 --> 00:46:48.143
Gently descending,
you don't look down.

00:46:48.353 --> 00:46:52.148
Go back up and do it again.
Never, ever look down, okay?

00:46:52.357 --> 00:46:54.527
Thighs touching....

00:46:55.318 --> 00:46:57.403
- Touching, not clenching.
- I'm touching.

00:46:57.612 --> 00:47:01.659
There's a gap between knees and calves,
your calves and your ankles.

00:47:01.908 --> 00:47:05.453
Right now there's a huge gap between
my brain and my spinal cord.

00:47:07.079 --> 00:47:08.832
Here. Take these.

00:47:27.518 --> 00:47:29.060
What, no armored car?

00:47:29.395 --> 00:47:31.397
That would be in my other dress.

00:47:32.064 --> 00:47:36.110
What are you planning to do
for your talent? Sing? Dance?

00:47:36.527 --> 00:47:38.320
Chew with your mouth closed?

00:47:38.529 --> 00:47:40.864
I'll do whatever you want, Yoda.

00:47:41.072 --> 00:47:42.448
Oh, Lord.

00:47:44.117 --> 00:47:45.410
Agent Matthews!

00:47:45.703 --> 00:47:49.582
- This woman has no talent!
- Don't shout it in front of her.

00:47:49.748 --> 00:47:53.419
I wasn't told to provide a talent.
I can't do so in the next five hours!

00:47:53.627 --> 00:47:54.712
Wait a minute.

00:47:54.921 --> 00:47:56.380
What are you talking about?

00:47:56.590 --> 00:47:59.049
She'll be on-stage
with nothing to do...

00:47:59.257 --> 00:48:01.760
...but convert oxygen
into carbon dioxide!

00:48:01.968 --> 00:48:06.432
You said you couldn't make her pretty
in two days, but she's gorgeous.

00:48:06.640 --> 00:48:09.184
Compared to the car wreck
she was before.

00:48:09.393 --> 00:48:12.856
My duties are stated in a contract,
and I have fulfilled them.

00:48:13.064 --> 00:48:15.984
- You talent her up by tomorrow or--
- Are you threatening me?

00:48:16.150 --> 00:48:19.528
- Listen to me, you old fruitcake!
- How dare you, you cupcake!

00:48:19.736 --> 00:48:23.950
There's something I know how to do.
I haven't done it since high school--

00:48:24.116 --> 00:48:27.787
- You're not having sex on this stage.
- I didn't know it was an option.

00:48:27.955 --> 00:48:30.624
This thing,
I just have to call room service.

00:48:31.166 --> 00:48:32.417
Miss Hart.

00:48:32.626 --> 00:48:33.918
Please.

00:48:37.464 --> 00:48:39.633
Thank you. And the other one.

00:48:42.510 --> 00:48:43.553
Thank you.

00:48:50.602 --> 00:48:52.353
All right, all right, all right.

00:48:53.855 --> 00:48:56.315
Happy, you doughnut Nazi?

00:49:35.022 --> 00:49:37.817
Did I tell you Stan Fields
was getting fired?

00:49:38.026 --> 00:49:41.570
I'm on it. You just concentrate
on being Gracie Lou, all right.

00:49:42.320 --> 00:49:44.991
And by the way,
you're doing a great job.

00:49:45.658 --> 00:49:47.867
I thought the evening gown looked....

00:49:49.078 --> 00:49:52.039
- I totally bought it.
- I know, you think I'm gorgeous.

00:49:52.248 --> 00:49:53.707
I don't think you're gorgeous.

00:49:54.083 --> 00:49:56.669
You think I'm gorgeous.

00:49:56.919 --> 00:49:59.380
You want to kiss me.

00:49:59.589 --> 00:50:01.215
You want to hug me--

00:50:01.425 --> 00:50:03.883
McDonald's more feminine.
I'd rather kiss him.

00:50:04.051 --> 00:50:07.430
--Iove me.
You want to hug me.

00:50:07.638 --> 00:50:09.224
You want to smooch me.

00:50:19.276 --> 00:50:20.818
Enjoy the rest of your night.

00:50:34.875 --> 00:50:37.085
Gracie, you look so tired.

00:50:37.627 --> 00:50:39.754
Oh, she had a busy night.

00:50:39.921 --> 00:50:42.923
I saw that gentleman stop by the room.

00:50:43.132 --> 00:50:44.133
Gentleman?

00:50:46.636 --> 00:50:50.515
- No men in the room.
- It's different on the mainland.

00:50:50.724 --> 00:50:53.810
Hold on, ladies. Let's hear
her side of the story.

00:50:54.061 --> 00:50:55.520
You sleeping with a judge?

00:50:59.858 --> 00:51:01.401
Oh, that guy?

00:51:02.402 --> 00:51:05.947
No, no, I was dating him
for a little while because...

00:51:06.156 --> 00:51:08.409
...he said he had
an incurable disease.

00:51:11.579 --> 00:51:13.955
I didn't realize it was stupidity.

00:51:14.123 --> 00:51:16.291
Oh, I know what that's like.

00:51:16.499 --> 00:51:18.126
He is such a pathetic loser.

00:51:18.334 --> 00:51:22.297
I'm sorry he's obsessed with me,
but at some point it's like, "Hello!"

00:51:22.506 --> 00:51:25.300
"Move on! Get over yourself!"

00:51:26.094 --> 00:51:27.929
His ego is this big.

00:51:28.179 --> 00:51:30.723
But his equipment is like this big!

00:51:31.891 --> 00:51:34.309
Good cover!
We worked that out together.

00:51:34.519 --> 00:51:36.269
Use it for a needle.

00:51:36.478 --> 00:51:38.689
Back to work.
Get ready for the Alamo.

00:51:40.358 --> 00:51:42.486
Thank you. Thank you.

00:51:42.818 --> 00:51:47.491
And welcome to
the Miss United States Preliminary...

00:51:47.698 --> 00:51:50.993
...here at the beautiful
and historical Alamo!

00:51:53.537 --> 00:51:55.665
Prepare for what promises to be...

00:51:55.873 --> 00:51:59.836
...a day of astounding musical,
theatrical and dancing talent.

00:52:00.086 --> 00:52:02.797
And after I'm finished,
you can see the ladies.

00:52:03.047 --> 00:52:04.007
Oh, yes!

00:52:06.592 --> 00:52:08.137
And now, put it together...

00:52:08.387 --> 00:52:12.055
...for Miss Mary Jo Wright from Texas!

00:52:49.428 --> 00:52:51.263
What's her talent, bartending?

00:53:16.539 --> 00:53:21.461
I made it very clear you weren't
responsible for making her credible.

00:53:24.254 --> 00:53:26.465
I wish I could explain...

00:53:26.965 --> 00:53:29.385
...but there are no words.

00:53:42.357 --> 00:53:43.691
Eagle-Eye.

00:53:44.651 --> 00:53:47.277
You might want to check out
cowboy at 1 :00.

00:53:48.154 --> 00:53:50.490
My 1 :00 or your 1 :00?

00:53:50.782 --> 00:53:53.117
The one under the white Stetson.

00:53:53.326 --> 00:53:55.453
There's Stetsons everywhere.

00:53:58.664 --> 00:53:59.998
He's moving, he's moving.

00:54:00.208 --> 00:54:03.378
- Toward the stage.
- Hold on, we're checking it out.

00:54:09.760 --> 00:54:12.179
Guys, he has a gun. He has a gun.

00:54:13.138 --> 00:54:15.474
Who's got the 20 on the shooter?

00:54:17.641 --> 00:54:18.685
I'm taking him out.

00:54:18.892 --> 00:54:20.353
Wait for a visual!

00:54:22.355 --> 00:54:25.024
Gun! Gun! Everybody down!

00:54:28.988 --> 00:54:31.532
Better up to them, don't you think?

00:54:33.118 --> 00:54:36.577
In a bizarre incident at the
Miss United States Preliminaries...

00:54:36.787 --> 00:54:39.915
...the contestant from New Jersey
leapt off-stage...

00:54:40.123 --> 00:54:44.086
...and tackled a man in the crowd
who was trying to light a cigarette.

00:54:44.294 --> 00:54:46.714
She's here with me right now.

00:54:46.923 --> 00:54:50.300
What were you thinking when you
jumped off the stage?

00:54:50.509 --> 00:54:54.888
All the contestants are actively
involved in ending tobacco dependence.

00:54:55.097 --> 00:54:59.727
I think the gentleman will think twice
before he lights up again.

00:54:59.893 --> 00:55:01.604
I'm sure we all will.

00:55:06.484 --> 00:55:08.361
- Look, he had a gun.
- Of course.

00:55:08.570 --> 00:55:10.237
This is Texas, everyone has a gun.

00:55:10.445 --> 00:55:12.031
My florist has a gun.

00:55:12.323 --> 00:55:13.449
I don't have a gun.

00:55:13.657 --> 00:55:15.325
My ancestors were Quakers.

00:55:15.534 --> 00:55:17.494
Stan, please!

00:55:17.703 --> 00:55:20.457
We assume any man
with a weapon is a suspect.

00:55:20.665 --> 00:55:22.292
We got the DNA results.

00:55:22.500 --> 00:55:25.628
The envelope from the Citizen
was licked by a woman.

00:55:25.836 --> 00:55:27.671
There's never been DNA before.

00:55:28.131 --> 00:55:30.467
He slipped up, or I should say "she."

00:55:30.674 --> 00:55:32.427
This is preposterous.

00:55:32.760 --> 00:55:34.846
You people are completely clueless.

00:55:35.055 --> 00:55:38.433
If I ran my pageant like this, we'd be
holding it in someone's basement!

00:55:38.641 --> 00:55:41.771
Every operation is bound
to have its screwups.

00:55:41.978 --> 00:55:44.440
As far as I can see,
she's still with us.

00:55:45.940 --> 00:55:47.066
Oh, God!

00:55:47.317 --> 00:55:50.486
Could I have a moment alone
with Miss Hart, please?

00:55:50.695 --> 00:55:51.821
Sure.

00:55:54.992 --> 00:55:56.577
Just for a tiny minute.

00:55:56.952 --> 00:55:59.454
We'll just be a moment.
Shop talk.

00:55:59.663 --> 00:56:00.664
Hair, gel, mousse.

00:56:03.167 --> 00:56:06.669
Look, I know I made a mistake.
I'm sorry.

00:56:09.339 --> 00:56:13.260
I've been fighting all my life
against your type.

00:56:13.426 --> 00:56:16.472
The ones who think we're
a bunch of worthless airheads.

00:56:17.056 --> 00:56:18.264
You know who I mean.

00:56:18.474 --> 00:56:19.892
Feminists...

00:56:20.100 --> 00:56:21.603
...intellectuals...

00:56:21.811 --> 00:56:22.895
...ugly women.

00:56:23.479 --> 00:56:25.855
I refuse to give in to their cynicism.

00:56:26.231 --> 00:56:30.694
That's why I have dedicated
my entire life to this scholarship.

00:56:31.361 --> 00:56:32.988
No one's going to ruin that.

00:56:33.989 --> 00:56:35.366
Not this year.

00:56:36.200 --> 00:56:38.828
You get in my way, I will kill you.

00:56:40.496 --> 00:56:41.747
Do you understand?

00:56:42.872 --> 00:56:43.873
Yeah.

00:56:44.667 --> 00:56:45.875
Yes.

00:56:55.886 --> 00:56:56.888
Frank!

00:56:57.680 --> 00:57:02.476
The interview is the single most
important part of the pageant.

00:57:02.726 --> 00:57:05.355
It accounts for 30%
of your total score.

00:57:05.563 --> 00:57:07.940
What's the other 70%, cleavage?

00:57:09.734 --> 00:57:13.363
Is this your idea of doing final preps
on the convention center?

00:57:14.030 --> 00:57:17.199
Look. Liberace's got her
in a nice evening gown.

00:57:17.658 --> 00:57:22.164
McDonald called. He saw Hart's anti-
smoking commercial. He's on his way.

00:57:22.414 --> 00:57:25.877
Good, perfect. I'd hate for him
to fire me over the phone.

00:57:26.084 --> 00:57:27.128
I can't believe this!

00:57:27.335 --> 00:57:28.378
It'll be ugly.

00:57:28.587 --> 00:57:29.672
No shit.

00:57:30.130 --> 00:57:32.425
I gotta do something.
I'm gonna go do laps.

00:57:32.674 --> 00:57:35.217
We'll go over tomorrow's assignments.

00:57:35.426 --> 00:57:36.595
You got it.

00:57:36.803 --> 00:57:38.263
Hands folded. ..

00:57:38.930 --> 00:57:40.807
...ankles crossed.

00:57:41.057 --> 00:57:42.225
Neck up!

00:57:42.393 --> 00:57:44.394
And remember, smile.

00:57:44.603 --> 00:57:48.232
Smilers wear a crown,
losers wear a frown.

00:57:48.565 --> 00:57:51.234
I would so love to hurt you right now.

00:57:51.444 --> 00:57:53.987
As long as you smile.

00:57:54.446 --> 00:57:55.447
Now....

00:57:55.989 --> 00:57:58.325
Why is New Jersey called...

00:57:58.575 --> 00:57:59.743
...the Garden State?

00:57:59.994 --> 00:58:04.457
You can't fit "Oil and petrochemical
refinery state" on a license plate?

00:58:04.664 --> 00:58:07.168
I don't appreciate your immaturity...

00:58:07.418 --> 00:58:09.336
...when I'm working as hard as I am.

00:58:09.545 --> 00:58:13.089
What's the big deal?
It's fixed, I'm in the Top Five.

00:58:13.299 --> 00:58:15.218
Congratulations to me.

00:58:15.426 --> 00:58:20.223
Is that enough? Have you no pride
in yourself, in your presentation?

00:58:20.430 --> 00:58:24.352
I'm an FBI agent, right? I'm not
a performing monkey in heels.

00:58:24.560 --> 00:58:27.231
You're also a person,
and an incomplete one at that!

00:58:27.397 --> 00:58:30.982
In place of friends and relationships,
you have sarcasm and a gun.

00:58:31.192 --> 00:58:32.360
Oh, I have sarcasm?

00:58:32.567 --> 00:58:36.113
When every word that comes out of your
mouth is dripping with disdain?

00:58:36.322 --> 00:58:40.826
That is because I am a miserable,
grumpy elitist, and that works for me.

00:58:41.077 --> 00:58:43.914
I don't have relationships
because I don't want them.

00:58:44.121 --> 00:58:47.625
And I don't have friends
because I work 24-7.

00:58:47.875 --> 00:58:51.254
And you have no idea why I am
the way that I am.

00:58:51.462 --> 00:58:54.507
As we're practicing interviews,
why are you the way you are?

00:58:54.715 --> 00:58:56.467
None of your damn business.

00:58:56.676 --> 00:58:59.555
The judges probably have
never heard that before.

00:58:59.762 --> 00:59:01.682
We have more to do here.

00:59:03.725 --> 00:59:05.601
No, we are finished.

00:59:07.061 --> 00:59:08.354
Finished?

00:59:10.941 --> 00:59:14.194
- Give me a 20 on Matthews.
- Be advised he's at the pool.

00:59:17.989 --> 00:59:20.284
"How do you feel about gun control?"

00:59:20.533 --> 00:59:21.868
Favorable.

00:59:31.128 --> 00:59:33.755
Thought I'd let you know
I was quitting. Take care.

00:59:34.423 --> 00:59:36.300
Hold on. Wait a minute.

00:59:36.925 --> 00:59:40.053
- What do you mean?
- I mean, you got the wrong girl.

00:59:40.262 --> 00:59:41.220
All right?

00:59:41.430 --> 00:59:42.638
I do not need this now.

00:59:42.848 --> 00:59:46.560
That's what I'm saying!
I'm totally screwing up in there!

00:59:46.810 --> 00:59:49.020
I don't feel
like a real agent anymore.

00:59:49.230 --> 00:59:51.732
I mean, Vic says
this thing that's so....

00:59:52.317 --> 00:59:55.528
I don't care what he said, you know?
I don't care.

00:59:55.695 --> 00:59:57.238
Because I am the job...

00:59:57.447 --> 01:00:00.032
...and I'm okay with that.
You're the job?

01:00:00.490 --> 01:00:02.618
Yeah, I'm the job.
We're all the job.

01:00:02.826 --> 01:00:04.662
Then what's wrong with me?

01:00:04.870 --> 01:00:08.582
I date. I know everyone thinks
I haven't had a date in 10 years.

01:00:08.791 --> 01:00:10.085
Is that what you think?

01:00:10.918 --> 01:00:12.252
I think you date.

01:00:12.462 --> 01:00:13.963
Damn right I do.

01:00:14.465 --> 01:00:16.549
But both times it was screwed up.

01:00:17.799 --> 01:00:20.094
I don't even care.
All I want to do...

01:00:20.344 --> 01:00:22.180
...is my job.

01:00:22.430 --> 01:00:25.600
For the last three days
I feel like I'm completely lost.

01:00:25.850 --> 01:00:28.603
I've been waiting five years
to run my own op.

01:00:28.811 --> 01:00:31.898
- Would I blow it on the wrong girl?
- You picked me...

01:00:32.107 --> 01:00:35.067
...because I looked good
and wasn't on maternity leave.

01:00:35.276 --> 01:00:38.320
No, that's why they let me pick you.
Know why?

01:00:38.529 --> 01:00:40.239
- Lost a bet.
- You're smart...

01:00:40.448 --> 01:00:44.911
...and funny and you're easy
to talk to when you're unarmed.

01:00:45.828 --> 01:00:49.040
Give yourself a break
and cut Vic some slack.

01:00:49.249 --> 01:00:51.670
Because if they see
what I see, then...

01:00:53.086 --> 01:00:54.295
...they'll love you.

01:00:58.299 --> 01:00:59.675
So, what do you say?

01:01:06.057 --> 01:01:07.392
I won't let you down.

01:01:07.601 --> 01:01:09.311
Good, that's what I want to hear.

01:01:09.520 --> 01:01:12.523
In all honesty, I might let you down.

01:01:12.814 --> 01:01:16.067
But I'll try my best not to.

01:01:19.279 --> 01:01:20.781
Do not mess with the dress.

01:01:27.496 --> 01:01:30.123
Oh, Vic is gonna kill you.

01:01:31.165 --> 01:01:32.793
You in big trouble.

01:01:33.000 --> 01:01:34.628
Why? You fell.

01:01:34.837 --> 01:01:36.462
- You look good wet.
- Shut up!

01:01:50.394 --> 01:01:53.355
Whoa, guys, Hart's
in the dressing room. Come on.

01:01:53.565 --> 01:01:56.693
- You see the legs on that girl?
- Who's your daddy?

01:02:12.749 --> 01:02:14.377
Those better be candy dishes!

01:02:14.918 --> 01:02:15.962
Turn around.

01:02:18.381 --> 01:02:19.716
Open.

01:02:21.258 --> 01:02:23.760
This guy's like an inch from death!

01:02:25.012 --> 01:02:27.140
But what a way to go!

01:02:27.348 --> 01:02:30.059
- Break it up. Nothing to see.
- What do you mean?

01:02:30.435 --> 01:02:32.188
She's a federal agent.

01:02:35.316 --> 01:02:38.360
Guess it's time to apply
at my local Hooters.

01:02:38.777 --> 01:02:42.363
Hemorrhoid ointment? You think
the judges will look that closely?

01:02:42.572 --> 01:02:44.782
It's for the baggies under your eyes.

01:02:45.033 --> 01:02:46.160
Really?

01:02:47.535 --> 01:02:50.163
Good, hair spray.
Finally something I recognize.

01:02:51.206 --> 01:02:52.665
What are you doing?

01:02:52.832 --> 01:02:55.002
It stops the suit from riding up.

01:02:55.210 --> 01:02:56.253
Riding up where?

01:02:56.545 --> 01:02:58.422
Just up!

01:02:58.631 --> 01:02:59.631
That's enough!

01:02:59.797 --> 01:03:01.299
Why do you make things hard?

01:03:01.466 --> 01:03:04.970
I can see this is an incredibly
embarrassing situation for you.

01:03:05.221 --> 01:03:08.682
Why does Georgia get to wear
a one-piece and I have to wear this?!

01:03:08.933 --> 01:03:12.853
If you can do this, then you can
convince anyone that you belong here.

01:03:13.103 --> 01:03:14.648
Places, everybody! Let's go!

01:03:14.897 --> 01:03:20.235
The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts
for 15% of the total score...

01:03:20.486 --> 01:03:24.031
...and tests the grace,
athleticism and poise...

01:03:24.198 --> 01:03:26.700
...of each lovely woman.

01:03:27.744 --> 01:03:30.788
The last time I was naked in public,
I came out of a uterus.

01:03:30.997 --> 01:03:34.167
I don't have breasts, my thighs--
I should wear a muumuu.

01:03:34.375 --> 01:03:36.669
I have avoided this experience
all my life.

01:03:36.876 --> 01:03:39.672
And here it is.
You must achieve a Zen-like state.

01:03:39.880 --> 01:03:42.466
Listen to your breathing,
feel your heart...

01:03:42.675 --> 01:03:44.593
...think of the Dalai Lama.

01:04:04.447 --> 01:04:05.782
Texas!

01:04:10.746 --> 01:04:11.745
Rhode Island!

01:04:16.834 --> 01:04:18.335
New Jersey!

01:04:29.556 --> 01:04:32.058
Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama....

01:04:33.978 --> 01:04:35.270
New York!

01:04:39.441 --> 01:04:41.026
California!

01:04:45.113 --> 01:04:47.866
I would have to say,
world peace.

01:04:48.158 --> 01:04:50.702
Definitely, world peace.

01:04:50.994 --> 01:04:53.748
That's easy. World peace.

01:04:54.079 --> 01:04:55.041
World peace.

01:04:55.290 --> 01:05:00.087
What is the one most important thing
our society needs?

01:05:01.338 --> 01:05:05.593
That would be harsher punishment
for parole violators, Stan.

01:05:11.640 --> 01:05:14.893
And, world peace.

01:05:20.191 --> 01:05:21.651
Thank you, Gracie Lou.

01:05:21.858 --> 01:05:23.568
And thank you, Stan.

01:05:25.612 --> 01:05:28.573
Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island.

01:05:29.617 --> 01:05:31.744
That was charming. Are you drunk?

01:05:31.951 --> 01:05:36.248
Glad you enjoyed it. Now excuse me,
I have to go unscrew my smile.

01:05:36.625 --> 01:05:38.293
We got a lead.

01:05:38.501 --> 01:05:40.379
- The blood test?
- Photos.

01:05:40.587 --> 01:05:43.630
Cheryl Frasier, with members
of a radical animal rights group...

01:05:43.797 --> 01:05:46.258
- ...involved in bombings.
- It's always the quiet ones.

01:05:46.467 --> 01:05:49.553
She fits the profile:
loner, introverted.

01:05:49.762 --> 01:05:51.389
That Cheryl?

01:05:51.598 --> 01:05:55.143
Describe your perfect date.

01:05:56.645 --> 01:05:58.479
That's a tough one.

01:06:01.232 --> 01:06:04.194
I'd have to say April 25th...

01:06:04.403 --> 01:06:07.738
...because it's not too hot,
not too cold.

01:06:07.947 --> 01:06:10.535
All you need is a light jacket.

01:06:12.494 --> 01:06:14.956
Now, there is a hardened criminal.

01:06:16.456 --> 01:06:20.251
Maybe she's an accomplice.
Maybe she's his inside connection.

01:06:20.459 --> 01:06:22.671
That's what you gotta find out.

01:06:22.837 --> 01:06:23.839
How?

01:06:24.047 --> 01:06:26.466
Buddy up to her, you know, girl talk.

01:06:26.675 --> 01:06:28.845
- Girl talk?
- Yeah, girl talk.

01:06:30.179 --> 01:06:32.140
Sorry, I'm totally drawing a blank.

01:06:32.347 --> 01:06:36.976
Leg waxing, fake orgasms,
the inability of men to commit.

01:06:37.185 --> 01:06:38.687
Why don't you talk to her?

01:06:39.938 --> 01:06:43.775
Imagine she's me and you want to know,
but I don't want to talk about it.

01:06:43.985 --> 01:06:45.318
What would you do?

01:06:45.736 --> 01:06:47.320
You want me to beat her?

01:06:47.905 --> 01:06:48.991
Why don't you talk to her?

01:06:49.198 --> 01:06:51.491
Okay, forget about it. I will go.

01:06:52.201 --> 01:06:53.827
Put that back in your ear.

01:06:54.034 --> 01:06:56.204
I can't talk girl talk
with a guy in my head.

01:06:56.371 --> 01:06:58.499
I can't even do it with me in my head.

01:07:01.377 --> 01:07:02.836
Girl talk.

01:07:10.845 --> 01:07:12.304
Oh, my God!

01:07:12.637 --> 01:07:14.932
Hey, Rhode Island, how you doing?

01:07:15.098 --> 01:07:18.269
How can you ask that?
You heard my interview.

01:07:19.060 --> 01:07:21.397
I was like a female Rain Man.

01:07:21.606 --> 01:07:24.568
Oh, no, it definitely
wasn't Rain Man.

01:07:24.735 --> 01:07:26.361
Definitely not Rain Man.

01:07:26.570 --> 01:07:29.281
Come and have a midnight snack
with me and some...

01:07:29.573 --> 01:07:30.865
...girl talk.

01:07:31.073 --> 01:07:34.076
Are you crazy?
We can't have pizza and beer!

01:07:34.326 --> 01:07:36.996
Do you know how many calories
you're talking about?

01:07:37.205 --> 01:07:39.874
It's light beer and
she's gonna throw it up anyway.

01:07:40.083 --> 01:07:41.042
Come on.

01:07:41.375 --> 01:07:43.878
Come with. No?

01:07:44.128 --> 01:07:45.672
No takers? No?

01:07:47.299 --> 01:07:49.133
All right, I'll just...

01:07:49.300 --> 01:07:52.595
...sit here. You guys
go back on your bicycles...

01:07:52.804 --> 01:07:57.059
...and I'll sit here with my
very large, cheesy pizza.

01:07:57.434 --> 01:07:59.436
Oh, look at all that cheese.

01:08:00.979 --> 01:08:02.899
Cheryl, don't.

01:08:03.106 --> 01:08:05.358
At least scrape off the toppings.

01:08:05.568 --> 01:08:09.320
First step, pizza.
Second step, flaming batons....

01:08:16.287 --> 01:08:18.747
I guess we'll be needing more pizza.

01:08:36.474 --> 01:08:38.643
I want another drink!

01:08:40.145 --> 01:08:41.771
We're gonna get a drink.

01:08:58.997 --> 01:09:00.999
Another round, ladies?

01:09:01.790 --> 01:09:04.501
- I can't do another one!
- Yes, you can!

01:09:13.136 --> 01:09:14.470
This is so weird!

01:09:14.679 --> 01:09:17.391
This is my third one
and I don't feel a thing!

01:09:17.641 --> 01:09:18.599
Really?

01:09:18.808 --> 01:09:21.227
Like when I did my interview question.

01:09:21.436 --> 01:09:23.271
Don't worry, we all sucked.

01:09:23.605 --> 01:09:27.358
You know, I had such a good answer
to that question too.

01:09:27.567 --> 01:09:30.738
My idea of a perfect date
would be a man...

01:09:30.905 --> 01:09:33.157
...who takes me to a romantic dinner.

01:09:33.364 --> 01:09:36.534
Then we walk along the beach barefoot,
discussing books...

01:09:36.701 --> 01:09:39.580
...and music and movies!

01:09:41.206 --> 01:09:42.708
No wonder you're still a virgin.

01:09:45.710 --> 01:09:48.212
Time to paint. Come on.

01:09:48.422 --> 01:09:49.965
No, my contacts.

01:09:51.592 --> 01:09:53.469
- We'll stay here.
- I want more pizza.

01:09:53.677 --> 01:09:56.012
We're gonna have more pizza and beer.

01:09:58.390 --> 01:09:59.808
Have fun!

01:10:00.183 --> 01:10:03.311
- This is so much fun.
- Yeah, it's fun.

01:10:03.521 --> 01:10:05.606
It's so fun it should be illegal.

01:10:05.898 --> 01:10:08.776
Speaking of illegal,
have you ever, like...

01:10:08.943 --> 01:10:10.402
...committed a crime?

01:10:11.445 --> 01:10:12.737
Yes!

01:10:13.906 --> 01:10:15.532
Yes, I did.

01:10:17.743 --> 01:10:18.911
Go on.

01:10:20.454 --> 01:10:23.916
One time I stole red underwear
from the department store.

01:10:24.166 --> 01:10:25.960
My mother wouldn't buy them!

01:10:26.169 --> 01:10:28.880
She said they were Satan's panties.

01:10:31.590 --> 01:10:33.759
- So is that it?
- Yeah.

01:10:33.968 --> 01:10:37.221
Oh, there was
this one thing in college...

01:10:37.429 --> 01:10:39.390
...with my Lit professor.

01:10:39.598 --> 01:10:44.604
One day I came to his office. He said
he wanted to discuss a paper I wrote.

01:10:45.480 --> 01:10:47.941
He wanted to discuss a paper, right?

01:10:48.148 --> 01:10:50.944
Hey, can I get another
one of these tubie things?

01:10:51.110 --> 01:10:53.112
Yeah, can we get another tubie?

01:10:54.155 --> 01:10:56.282
Anyway, he attacked me.

01:10:58.951 --> 01:11:01.413
Cheryl, did you report him?

01:11:01.622 --> 01:11:04.791
No, I never told anyone before this.

01:11:05.000 --> 01:11:07.293
I know that happens all the time.

01:11:07.501 --> 01:11:09.796
No, it doesn't! Cheryl, it doesn't.

01:11:10.005 --> 01:11:12.882
There are so many maneuvers
that I could show you.

01:11:13.091 --> 01:11:14.217
Really?

01:11:14.426 --> 01:11:16.679
Yeah! Come on, get up.

01:11:18.763 --> 01:11:20.932
I want you to firmly plant your feet.

01:11:21.142 --> 01:11:22.809
I'm gonna move the chair.

01:11:23.019 --> 01:11:24.853
Now if someone comes at you--

01:11:32.027 --> 01:11:34.363
She's completely trashed.

01:11:34.571 --> 01:11:37.908
We should get her back
before Miss Morningside finds out.

01:11:38.116 --> 01:11:40.995
Kathy's got a boot up her ass
about something.

01:11:41.162 --> 01:11:44.081
I don't think she ever
got over those rumors.

01:11:44.247 --> 01:11:45.415
Come again?

01:11:45.623 --> 01:11:47.584
Her pageant years
she was a runner-up.

01:11:47.792 --> 01:11:50.754
But then the winner mysteriously
got food poisoning.

01:11:50.963 --> 01:11:52.173
Bizarro!

01:11:52.380 --> 01:11:55.843
No, Stan told me she got a letter
a few weeks back from the network...

01:11:56.010 --> 01:11:58.471
...and they're firing her too!

01:11:58.679 --> 01:12:01.806
She threw a chair out the window!

01:12:03.224 --> 01:12:04.977
We gotta go. Come on.

01:12:05.311 --> 01:12:07.856
I got 20 people here
waiting for confirmation.

01:12:13.653 --> 01:12:15.905
Don't tell me I don't understand.

01:12:16.114 --> 01:12:18.241
I hate when I don't see
a wet paint sign.

01:12:18.406 --> 01:12:19.574
Stop it. Listen.

01:12:19.741 --> 01:12:23.245
- Can't hear you, took out my earpiece.
- I have a lead and it's not Cheryl.

01:12:23.411 --> 01:12:25.831
Forget it. They bagged the Citizen.

01:12:26.208 --> 01:12:27.708
What? Where?

01:12:28.334 --> 01:12:29.960
It's confirmed.

01:12:30.252 --> 01:12:32.379
He was holing up in a shack in Nevada.

01:12:32.923 --> 01:12:35.258
Place had enough C4
to make a new Grand Canyon.

01:12:35.508 --> 01:12:37.343
Let's pack up and get out of here.

01:12:38.762 --> 01:12:41.722
Sir, I need to talk to you.
One second of your time.

01:12:42.306 --> 01:12:43.892
Hear me out a second.

01:12:44.100 --> 01:12:48.314
I feel the situation bears further
scrutiny and our continued presence.

01:12:48.522 --> 01:12:51.775
Do you have paint in your ears?
We caught the guy!

01:12:51.942 --> 01:12:54.985
I respect what you're saying.
I'd say the same to me...

01:12:55.151 --> 01:12:57.114
...but what if we were wrong?

01:12:57.655 --> 01:13:01.034
What if the Citizen didn't send it?
What if it was a copycat?

01:13:01.909 --> 01:13:04.329
The letter didn't follow
the normal pattern.

01:13:04.496 --> 01:13:06.666
The linguistic scheme
was uncharacteristic...

01:13:06.957 --> 01:13:09.292
...and the DNA said it was a woman!

01:13:09.794 --> 01:13:12.670
Maybe he got his girlfriend
to lick the envelope.

01:13:12.837 --> 01:13:15.173
I think we have reason
to monitor Morningside.

01:13:15.339 --> 01:13:18.760
Why don't you jump on her
dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?

01:13:18.968 --> 01:13:21.680
You're the reason I had
to drag myself down here...

01:13:21.889 --> 01:13:24.141
...and I don't want to hear anymore!

01:13:24.267 --> 01:13:27.102
You're absolutely right, sir.
Not another damn word.

01:13:27.310 --> 01:13:28.312
Thank you.

01:13:28.771 --> 01:13:31.940
But she's getting fired this year,
which she didn't tell us.

01:13:32.107 --> 01:13:35.110
You're already in enough
trouble with the review board.

01:13:35.318 --> 01:13:38.905
Yeah, but when she was in the pageant,
the only reason she won was...

01:13:39.157 --> 01:13:42.909
...because the winner got
food poisoning. How bizarro is that?

01:13:43.076 --> 01:13:44.327
"Bizarro"?

01:13:44.579 --> 01:13:48.332
She threatened me. According to Mary
Jo, she has a history of violence.

01:13:48.541 --> 01:13:49.791
Who is Mary Jo?

01:13:49.999 --> 01:13:52.628
Are you getting your information
from a pajama party?

01:13:52.836 --> 01:13:54.213
Would you shut up?

01:13:54.463 --> 01:13:56.632
You're shutting up enough
for both of us.

01:13:58.009 --> 01:14:00.261
Is there any reason
to suspect Morningside?

01:14:07.268 --> 01:14:08.268
No, sir.

01:14:12.231 --> 01:14:13.274
There.

01:14:13.483 --> 01:14:16.695
I request permission to stay
with a small contingent.

01:14:16.944 --> 01:14:17.695
Denied.

01:14:17.945 --> 01:14:20.489
Then I request permission
to stay alone.

01:14:20.699 --> 01:14:25.077
You know what, I don't care
what you do. You want to stay, stay!

01:14:25.286 --> 01:14:28.623
But as a private citizen.
Turn in your badge and your gun.

01:14:29.332 --> 01:14:32.084
Everybody, I suggest we start packing.

01:14:35.880 --> 01:14:36.965
What?

01:14:37.216 --> 01:14:39.343
Don't look at me like I betrayed you.

01:14:39.551 --> 01:14:41.470
Betrayal implies action.
You stood there.

01:14:41.719 --> 01:14:43.262
You got nothing to go on.

01:14:43.471 --> 01:14:45.598
I know everyone thinks I'm a screwup.

01:14:45.807 --> 01:14:49.353
But I feel like I'm in the right
place at the right time.

01:14:49.603 --> 01:14:52.648
I have to protect those girls.
It is my job.

01:14:52.856 --> 01:14:54.232
Part of it is following orders.

01:14:54.441 --> 01:14:58.236
The other part is using your brain.
Throw out the rule book--

01:14:58.446 --> 01:15:01.573
I like the book. I like knowing
what I can and cannot do.

01:15:01.740 --> 01:15:03.908
You're not the only one who lives
for the job.

01:15:04.076 --> 01:15:07.163
I want to keep mine
for the next 20 or 30 years.

01:15:08.329 --> 01:15:09.915
Jesus, Hart.

01:15:10.082 --> 01:15:11.375
Give it a rest.

01:15:11.584 --> 01:15:13.335
Sure, give it a rest.

01:15:15.338 --> 01:15:16.631
What are you doing?

01:15:18.216 --> 01:15:19.675
Don't do it.

01:16:02.802 --> 01:16:04.178
Thank you.

01:16:05.178 --> 01:16:07.348
Thank you so much.

01:16:09.101 --> 01:16:10.852
I can't believe it!

01:16:14.355 --> 01:16:15.732
Hi, Mom.

01:16:16.774 --> 01:16:18.318
Don't do that!

01:16:18.485 --> 01:16:22.822
That slow, creepy thing in the shadows.
Your father used to do that.

01:16:23.032 --> 01:16:24.073
Mom.

01:16:26.576 --> 01:16:28.078
This isn't gonna work.

01:16:28.746 --> 01:16:31.247
Why, of course it's going to work.

01:16:31.414 --> 01:16:34.584
The feds caught the Citizen.
We have no one to pin it on!

01:16:34.877 --> 01:16:36.170
Okay, that was bad luck.

01:16:36.420 --> 01:16:40.674
But what about all these other letters
from terrorist groups threatening us?

01:16:40.882 --> 01:16:42.468
"Women's Liberation Front."

01:16:42.759 --> 01:16:46.138
"Islamic Jihad." They're not so nuts
about the Swimsuit Competition.

01:16:46.347 --> 01:16:48.682
Any one of these
could have planted a bomb.

01:16:48.932 --> 01:16:50.642
When did we get those?

01:16:51.017 --> 01:16:53.354
I just finished writing them.

01:16:53.561 --> 01:16:55.647
Just like the Citizen letter.

01:16:56.690 --> 01:16:57.982
You're a genius.

01:16:58.149 --> 01:17:00.735
No, Frank. I'm just pissed off.

01:17:00.945 --> 01:17:03.238
Nobody fires me and gets away with it.

01:17:03.447 --> 01:17:05.616
They want a newer, hotter show...

01:17:05.867 --> 01:17:06.910
...they're gonna get it.

01:17:07.533 --> 01:17:09.203
Mom, you're a little scary.

01:17:09.410 --> 01:17:10.996
And you're a little bit sloppy.

01:17:11.205 --> 01:17:14.042
Tuck your shirt.
I don't want to tell you again.

01:17:15.208 --> 01:17:16.293
Let's go home, honey.

01:17:17.044 --> 01:17:18.046
Mom?

01:17:19.172 --> 01:17:20.465
Oops.

01:17:39.651 --> 01:17:41.735
- Need a hand, boss?
- I got it.

01:17:48.910 --> 01:17:51.120
Okay, Vic. Beautify me.

01:17:51.287 --> 01:17:55.291
Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever
it is you do. That shiny stuff--

01:17:55.458 --> 01:17:56.792
Where are you going?

01:17:57.002 --> 01:18:01.296
Your Agent McDonald insists that I
depart, or I won't be compensated.

01:18:01.631 --> 01:18:04.425
No. After the Top 10!
I am completely on my own.

01:18:04.634 --> 01:18:07.179
The FBI is gone, it's not fixed.
I need you!

01:18:07.387 --> 01:18:09.431
Not anymore. The cocoon is open.

01:18:09.681 --> 01:18:12.642
I've taken a woman
without a smidgen of estrogen...

01:18:12.852 --> 01:18:14.477
...and made her a lady.

01:18:14.687 --> 01:18:17.273
- Come on.
- I've never been prouder of myself.

01:18:18.691 --> 01:18:19.816
Or...

01:18:21.359 --> 01:18:23.778
...of any girl I have ever coached.

01:18:24.780 --> 01:18:26.531
You are truly unique.

01:18:27.366 --> 01:18:31.704
If I ever had a daughter,
I imagine that she would be...

01:18:32.162 --> 01:18:33.455
...something like you.

01:18:35.791 --> 01:18:37.459
Which is why I never reproduced.

01:18:39.544 --> 01:18:42.923
I have a really strong feeling
something will happen to these girls.

01:18:43.174 --> 01:18:44.799
You need to stay for me. Please.

01:18:45.050 --> 01:18:46.385
I can't.

01:18:46.969 --> 01:18:50.139
But I can leave you this.
I was saving it for tonight.

01:18:50.389 --> 01:18:52.808
It's your size, I believe.

01:18:53.310 --> 01:18:55.060
Good luck to you, Gracie Lou.

01:19:00.648 --> 01:19:02.359
It's been a privilege.

01:19:21.378 --> 01:19:23.005
No insults today?

01:19:23.215 --> 01:19:24.548
You're a Don Ho.

01:19:24.716 --> 01:19:28.178
Has anyone seen Gracie? I can't
believe she missed dress rehearsal.

01:19:28.427 --> 01:19:31.847
Maybe she couldn't take the pressure.
She ate four slices last night.

01:19:32.056 --> 01:19:37.228
We all saw her glasses performance.
She is not making the Top 10!

01:19:38.271 --> 01:19:40.231
I overslept my beauty sleep.

01:19:40.440 --> 01:19:43.151
- Do you need help?
- No, I'm fine.

01:19:43.693 --> 01:19:45.946
I wonder which one of these...

01:19:46.280 --> 01:19:47.656
...is lipstick.

01:19:51.075 --> 01:19:52.034
Ladies!

01:20:15.141 --> 01:20:17.936
Good luck, ladies! Keep it moving.
Let's go!

01:20:18.144 --> 01:20:19.229
Looking good, ladies.

01:20:19.396 --> 01:20:21.732
Will you go back to the mothership?

01:20:21.982 --> 01:20:23.568
As long as you go with me, Tex-Ass.

01:20:23.818 --> 01:20:26.945
Let's go, Pennsylvania,
New Jersey, Texas....

01:20:27.611 --> 01:20:30.115
I can't open the goddamn bottle.

01:20:31.617 --> 01:20:33.785
Have a good show. You guys excited?

01:20:40.835 --> 01:20:41.962
Where are you going?

01:20:42.169 --> 01:20:44.588
I forgot my breasts.
Hold on, I'll be back.

01:20:50.427 --> 01:20:51.679
Going live.

01:20:51.929 --> 01:20:54.974
In five, four, three....

01:20:55.308 --> 01:20:58.519
It's the 75th Annual
Miss United States Pageant. ..

01:20:58.770 --> 01:21:02.315
...live from San Antonio, Texas!

01:21:13.492 --> 01:21:16.037
Good. That's the one I use at home.

01:23:11.779 --> 01:23:14.574
And your host for the evening,
Stan Fields!

01:23:14.824 --> 01:23:17.410
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

01:23:17.577 --> 01:23:22.249
And welcome to a night of beauty,
talent and poise.

01:23:22.458 --> 01:23:24.877
I'm not just talking
about my cohost...

01:23:25.127 --> 01:23:27.670
...Kathy Morningside!

01:23:30.591 --> 01:23:33.342
- Hello, Kathy.
- Stan, you charmer.

01:23:33.552 --> 01:23:36.888
But you forgot to mention
"incredible intelligence."

01:23:37.055 --> 01:23:40.100
That was incredibly stupid of me.
How can I make it up?

01:23:40.349 --> 01:23:42.686
By helping me to announce
the Top 10...

01:23:42.979 --> 01:23:47.064
...chosen based on their performance
during the preliminaries this week.

01:23:47.315 --> 01:23:48.817
Here's the envelope.

01:23:48.984 --> 01:23:52.112
Thank you, Scott.
Ladies, hold your breath.

01:23:54.990 --> 01:23:56.450
Hawaii!

01:23:56.658 --> 01:23:59.870
And we're following.
Come in for that reaction.

01:24:01.372 --> 01:24:03.290
- Go to two.
- Going to two.

01:24:03.457 --> 01:24:05.043
California!

01:24:07.294 --> 01:24:08.545
New York!

01:24:11.923 --> 01:24:13.051
Alaska!

01:24:15.887 --> 01:24:17.472
Texas!

01:24:25.104 --> 01:24:26.939
New Jersey!

01:24:31.820 --> 01:24:32.654
Oh, shit!

01:24:34.322 --> 01:24:35.657
That was graceful.

01:24:35.782 --> 01:24:37.450
That must have hurt.

01:24:37.867 --> 01:24:39.953
But she's up and at it.

01:24:46.167 --> 01:24:49.338
And last but not least, Rhode Island.

01:24:54.092 --> 01:24:57.970
And there they are!
This year's Top 10 finalists.

01:25:01.056 --> 01:25:02.976
The Top 10 have been chosen.

01:25:03.185 --> 01:25:06.896
We'll be right back with tonight's
Swimsuit Competition.

01:25:13.736 --> 01:25:15.947
I checked out Kathy Morningside.

01:25:16.154 --> 01:25:18.491
- Anything?
- Not even a traffic ticket.

01:25:18.658 --> 01:25:23.288
Model citizen. Beauty contestant,
pageant director, loving mom.

01:25:23.497 --> 01:25:25.790
- She's married?
- Widow. One son.

01:25:25.958 --> 01:25:29.044
A sniveling, obsequious
weasel of a human being.

01:25:30.087 --> 01:25:33.214
- You know her son?
- So do you. It's Frank.

01:25:33.465 --> 01:25:36.218
- Her assistant?
- Asshole Frank?

01:25:36.343 --> 01:25:37.344
One and the same.

01:25:37.552 --> 01:25:40.514
She never mentioned anything.
Anything come up on the CCH?

01:25:40.723 --> 01:25:42.141
Nothing on Frank Tobin.

01:25:42.350 --> 01:25:44.518
There wouldn't be.
His name is Morningside.

01:25:44.685 --> 01:25:47.563
He changed it to cover
his many indiscretions.

01:25:48.355 --> 01:25:50.025
Wait. How do you know that?

01:25:50.858 --> 01:25:53.359
I've been around this pageant
for many years.

01:25:53.569 --> 01:25:56.822
I could shock you with the intimate
details I'm privy to.

01:26:13.881 --> 01:26:15.759
Good job! Good job

01:26:23.975 --> 01:26:25.353
I got you something.

01:26:28.520 --> 01:26:29.689
I couldn't--

01:26:29.898 --> 01:26:32.524
You ate pizza, you stole panties,
you're wild.

01:26:32.691 --> 01:26:34.653
We worked on this, remember?

01:26:35.445 --> 01:26:36.738
You're gonna be great.

01:26:43.995 --> 01:26:46.455
- Can I see your ticket?
- Federal officer.

01:26:47.248 --> 01:26:48.792
I'm with him.

01:27:20.991 --> 01:27:22.702
Gentlemen, you can't go in--

01:27:22.951 --> 01:27:23.953
Victor!

01:27:24.953 --> 01:27:26.287
He's with me.

01:27:27.665 --> 01:27:29.916
Wait. I'm not "with him" with him.

01:27:30.126 --> 01:27:31.752
Come on, muffin.

01:27:45.808 --> 01:27:49.354
Thank you! She certainly lit my fire.

01:27:51.023 --> 01:27:53.358
Now you can wear Satan's panties!

01:28:02.908 --> 01:28:04.869
- Hey, Hart.
- What are you doing here?

01:28:05.119 --> 01:28:08.790
I think you might have been right.
Frank is Kathy Morningside's son.

01:28:08.999 --> 01:28:10.541
Disgusting, perverted Frank?

01:28:10.792 --> 01:28:13.085
He cleared under another name.
I ran a new CCH.

01:28:13.295 --> 01:28:15.755
DUI, assault, even a weapons charge.

01:28:16.005 --> 01:28:17.423
Are we doing full deployment?

01:28:17.590 --> 01:28:20.342
McDonald didn't want to hear about it.
It's just us.

01:28:23.472 --> 01:28:25.265
Good show, Mr. Tobin.

01:28:33.106 --> 01:28:35.233
You're up next, New Jersey.

01:28:35.442 --> 01:28:36.984
I gotta get my glasses.

01:28:38.653 --> 01:28:40.863
Hey! You're drinking my talent!

01:28:41.114 --> 01:28:43.200
You got to make it into the Top Five!

01:28:43.451 --> 01:28:45.077
- Can you whistle?
- No!

01:28:45.328 --> 01:28:47.288
- Make hand puppets?
- No!

01:28:47.455 --> 01:28:49.539
I had a girl who rearranged furniture.

01:28:49.791 --> 01:28:52.249
You said all I have
is sarcasm and a gun.

01:28:52.417 --> 01:28:54.126
That and a right hook.

01:28:55.045 --> 01:29:00.009
And now, the musical stylings
of Gracie Lou Freebush.

01:29:04.430 --> 01:29:05.389
Good evening.

01:29:05.598 --> 01:29:09.476
The program says I'm supposed to play
the water glasses for you...

01:29:09.684 --> 01:29:11.185
...but the girls got dehydrated.

01:29:12.896 --> 01:29:13.981
No water glasses?

01:29:14.856 --> 01:29:16.858
You want me to go to a commercial?

01:29:17.026 --> 01:29:19.403
No, stay on her. Go with it.

01:29:19.612 --> 01:29:23.991
I believe no woman should be without
a basic knowledge of self-defense.

01:29:24.158 --> 01:29:28.287
So in order to show you this,
I'm gonna need a little help.

01:29:28.787 --> 01:29:32.625
I would like to bring out
my assistant, Eric Bob.

01:29:36.838 --> 01:29:39.758
More changes?
Follow her. Stay on her.

01:29:39.924 --> 01:29:42.803
--how to inflict damage
with the least amount offorce.

01:29:43.344 --> 01:29:48.641
In some cases, your attacker might
come at you in a frontal assault.

01:29:55.064 --> 01:29:56.984
Use the heel of your hand and thrust.

01:29:57.233 --> 01:30:00.821
This will cause the nose to break
and your assailant's eyes to tear...

01:30:01.028 --> 01:30:02.656
...giving you a chance to get away.

01:30:02.822 --> 01:30:06.826
All right. Let's say your assailant
comes at you from behind.

01:30:12.290 --> 01:30:13.876
Attack me!

01:30:15.752 --> 01:30:18.504
Little Eric looks a little scared.

01:30:21.757 --> 01:30:24.178
Maybe he needs a little applause.

01:30:40.694 --> 01:30:42.404
She's kicking his ass!

01:30:44.699 --> 01:30:46.325
You were the best queen ever.

01:30:46.492 --> 01:30:48.661
Thank you, that is so sweet.

01:30:48.869 --> 01:30:51.496
Ladies, give Lori
some room to breathe.

01:30:51.664 --> 01:30:53.123
Go on, now.

01:30:53.457 --> 01:30:55.043
You need some powder.

01:30:55.292 --> 01:30:57.251
You don't have to hold
the crown all night.

01:30:57.419 --> 01:30:59.923
My God, that is disgraceful.

01:31:00.088 --> 01:31:01.089
Frank!

01:31:01.381 --> 01:31:04.718
Take this to the prop master.
See if you can't get it to shine.

01:31:04.928 --> 01:31:08.848
If all else fails, go for the four
sensitive areas of the body.

01:31:09.057 --> 01:31:10.725
But just remember to "sing."

01:31:10.933 --> 01:31:12.894
S-I-N-G.

01:31:16.856 --> 01:31:18.775
Solar plexus, Instep...

01:31:18.983 --> 01:31:21.026
...Nose, Groin!

01:31:22.319 --> 01:31:23.487
Sing.

01:31:30.912 --> 01:31:32.372
Cue Stan.

01:31:35.582 --> 01:31:37.377
Welcome to the Garden State!

01:31:37.584 --> 01:31:42.632
When we return, we'll find out
who those lucky Final Five are.

01:31:45.093 --> 01:31:46.595
Let's go find Frank.

01:31:46.803 --> 01:31:48.556
Take left. I'll take this side.

01:31:48.764 --> 01:31:50.432
No. Evening gown, now.

01:31:59.190 --> 01:32:01.526
Ladies! In one moment,
five of you...

01:32:01.776 --> 01:32:04.029
...will be one step
closer to the crown.

01:32:05.573 --> 01:32:08.033
And one of those five...

01:32:08.449 --> 01:32:09.784
...is...

01:32:12.328 --> 01:32:13.454
...California!

01:32:16.250 --> 01:32:18.001
Leslie Williams is a music major.

01:32:18.210 --> 01:32:22.047
She believes in the healing power
of music. Loves opera, reggae...

01:32:22.256 --> 01:32:25.927
...and, like any true California girl,
the Beach Boys.

01:32:27.302 --> 01:32:28.803
Rhode Island!

01:32:29.887 --> 01:32:32.891
Cheryl Frasier is a science major.
Her field is...

01:32:33.099 --> 01:32:37.229
...nuclear fission with a minor
in elementary particles.

01:32:39.190 --> 01:32:40.524
Nebraska!

01:32:41.610 --> 01:32:45.194
For Kelly Beth Kelly,
all the world is a stage.

01:32:45.529 --> 01:32:47.448
A theater major...

01:32:47.655 --> 01:32:51.660
...she helps run a drama program
for underprivileged children.

01:32:52.202 --> 01:32:53.705
New Jersey!

01:32:54.831 --> 01:32:58.543
Gracie Lou Freebush hopes
to become a pediatrician.

01:32:58.751 --> 01:33:01.046
Gracie, it's you. Go!

01:33:01.254 --> 01:33:05.591
Her hobbies include figure skating,
water ballet...

01:33:05.758 --> 01:33:08.762
...and taking long,
luxurious bubble baths.

01:33:10.930 --> 01:33:12.641
You go, Gracie Lou.

01:33:13.265 --> 01:33:15.769
And our fifth finalist:

01:33:16.019 --> 01:33:17.937
Texas!

01:33:18.688 --> 01:33:21.316
Mary Jo Wright is a psychology major.

01:33:21.523 --> 01:33:24.818
In her spare time,
she works in a homeless shelter...

01:33:25.028 --> 01:33:26.613
...and eats Mexican food.

01:33:28.323 --> 01:33:31.994
Thank you, ladies.
You were magnificent.

01:33:37.166 --> 01:33:39.292
I want all the lesbians to know...

01:33:39.500 --> 01:33:41.795
...if I can make it to the Top 10,
so can you!

01:33:42.045 --> 01:33:43.797
Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!

01:33:44.547 --> 01:33:45.799
Get her off of there!

01:33:46.049 --> 01:33:47.384
Go to Stan!

01:33:48.300 --> 01:33:50.095
Tina, I love you, baby!

01:33:50.262 --> 01:33:52.597
I love you, Karen!

01:33:57.685 --> 01:34:02.232
And we'll be right back with our
final five lesbians. Interviews.

01:34:02.440 --> 01:34:05.611
Bumper. Commercial.
Can we say "lesbians"?

01:34:05.819 --> 01:34:07.488
You got a problem with that?

01:34:08.322 --> 01:34:12.159
In a way, America is like a big ship.

01:34:12.452 --> 01:34:15.621
When we work together
and respect each other...

01:34:15.870 --> 01:34:18.498
...that's when the ship
gets safely home.

01:34:19.542 --> 01:34:21.126
Terrific answer.

01:34:21.460 --> 01:34:22.461
Damn it.

01:34:25.423 --> 01:34:26.674
New Jersey.

01:34:27.008 --> 01:34:29.969
As you may know,
there are many who consider...

01:34:30.177 --> 01:34:35.349
...the Miss United States pageant
to be outdated and antifeminist.

01:34:35.640 --> 01:34:37.393
What would you say to them?

01:34:37.643 --> 01:34:39.019
Oh, my God.

01:34:39.228 --> 01:34:42.399
I would have to say,
I used to be one of them.

01:34:44.567 --> 01:34:46.861
And then I came here...

01:34:47.070 --> 01:34:48.696
...and I realized that...

01:34:48.904 --> 01:34:53.451
...these women are smart,
terrific people...

01:34:53.659 --> 01:34:58.289
...who are just trying to make
a difference in the world.

01:34:59.415 --> 01:35:01.917
We've become really good friends.

01:35:02.878 --> 01:35:07.300
I know we all secretly hope the other
one will trip and fall on her face--

01:35:08.258 --> 01:35:10.926
Wait a minute!
I've already done that!

01:35:15.890 --> 01:35:20.103
For me, this experience has been
one of the most rewarding...

01:35:21.521 --> 01:35:24.232
...and liberating experiences
of my life.

01:35:27.194 --> 01:35:28.820
My God.

01:35:29.529 --> 01:35:30.781
I did it.

01:35:33.909 --> 01:35:35.203
And if anyone...

01:35:35.660 --> 01:35:36.995
...anyone...

01:35:37.454 --> 01:35:39.664
...tries to hurt one
of my new friends...

01:35:40.124 --> 01:35:41.666
...I would take them out.

01:35:42.335 --> 01:35:45.754
I would make them suffer so much,
they'd wish they were never born.

01:35:45.962 --> 01:35:49.925
And if they ran,
I would hunt them down.

01:35:54.596 --> 01:35:55.805
Thank you, Kathy.

01:36:00.894 --> 01:36:04.857
A brief, shining moment,
and then that mouth.

01:36:06.358 --> 01:36:08.568
Helps if you pull it out.

01:36:10.028 --> 01:36:11.948
Good luck, ladies.

01:36:12.155 --> 01:36:14.367
I wanted to rub the crown for luck.

01:36:14.574 --> 01:36:16.245
Frank took it to get it polished.

01:36:16.452 --> 01:36:19.247
I'll have it by the time
they announce the winner.

01:36:20.456 --> 01:36:21.998
My God! It's the crown!

01:36:22.165 --> 01:36:24.251
Yes, it is. You can taste it now--

01:36:24.460 --> 01:36:25.670
No, no, no!

01:36:30.341 --> 01:36:32.385
Not the-- This in the--

01:36:32.635 --> 01:36:34.262
Finale positions.

01:36:34.471 --> 01:36:39.476
Yes. Wear the crown. Be the crown.
You are the crown.

01:36:44.647 --> 01:36:49.987
And now, the moment
of truth and beauty.

01:36:51.028 --> 01:36:52.531
The envelope, please.

01:37:05.918 --> 01:37:06.961
What?

01:37:08.046 --> 01:37:09.965
A lot of tension.

01:37:10.340 --> 01:37:12.050
The fourth runner-up is...

01:37:12.885 --> 01:37:13.886
...California!

01:37:22.644 --> 01:37:24.396
The third runner-up is...

01:37:26.858 --> 01:37:28.191
...Nebraska!

01:37:36.366 --> 01:37:38.995
- Am I in danger here?
- Wait here.

01:37:39.202 --> 01:37:41.539
The second runner-up is Texas!

01:37:56.512 --> 01:37:57.764
Drop it!

01:37:58.096 --> 01:37:59.682
I mean it! Drop it!

01:37:59.891 --> 01:38:00.933
This is it.

01:38:01.184 --> 01:38:02.268
The moment.

01:38:02.435 --> 01:38:06.397
One of these two ladies
will wear the crown.

01:38:07.523 --> 01:38:09.400
Listen to me!

01:38:09.609 --> 01:38:11.736
I'm gonna reach for my badge slow.

01:38:11.944 --> 01:38:13.821
You do, and you're dead.

01:38:16.240 --> 01:38:17.616
The first runner-up...

01:38:17.825 --> 01:38:21.079
...who will have to take the winner's
place if, for any reason...

01:38:21.288 --> 01:38:23.289
...she cannot fulfill her duties is:

01:38:25.250 --> 01:38:27.001
New Jersey! Which means...

01:38:27.210 --> 01:38:28.585
...our new Miss United States is:

01:38:28.795 --> 01:38:29.878
Don't take the crown.

01:38:30.088 --> 01:38:31.755
Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier!

01:38:31.965 --> 01:38:34.592
Don't take the crown. Trust me.

01:38:42.976 --> 01:38:44.936
She's beauty and she's grace

01:38:45.145 --> 01:38:49.857
She's queen of 50 states
She's elegance and taste

01:38:50.484 --> 01:38:52.736
She's Miss United States

01:38:53.736 --> 01:38:56.824
Hold your crown up high

01:39:04.873 --> 01:39:06.583
Raise it to the sky

01:39:08.460 --> 01:39:09.920
Jersey's gone berserk!

01:39:10.337 --> 01:39:11.922
Get her off the stage!

01:39:14.633 --> 01:39:17.135
Hold your crown up high

01:39:18.638 --> 01:39:21.640
Raise it to the sky

01:39:33.444 --> 01:39:34.695
She stands for all that's good

01:39:35.446 --> 01:39:38.158
She loves her neighborhood

01:39:40.200 --> 01:39:43.203
She's friends with everyone she meets

01:39:45.290 --> 01:39:47.332
She's beauty and she's grace

01:39:47.667 --> 01:39:49.793
She's queen of 50 states

01:39:52.255 --> 01:39:54.506
She's elegance and taste

01:39:55.800 --> 01:39:57.510
She's Miss United States

01:40:00.012 --> 01:40:01.013
Gracie!

01:40:25.205 --> 01:40:28.167
She's Miss United States.

01:40:30.586 --> 01:40:32.004
Okay.

01:40:33.380 --> 01:40:35.172
Good show, everybody.

01:40:36.216 --> 01:40:38.676
I was right in the middle of my song!

01:40:42.681 --> 01:40:45.392
You got nothing on me.
This is ridiculous.

01:40:45.600 --> 01:40:49.188
Where you're going, they'd love
to meet a former beauty queen.

01:40:49.396 --> 01:40:51.607
When he says meet, he means M-E-A-T.

01:40:54.025 --> 01:40:55.568
Miss Hart, you don't understand.

01:40:55.778 --> 01:40:59.405
All I'm guilty of is trying to make
the world a more beautiful place.

01:40:59.615 --> 01:41:00.908
Look at yourself.

01:41:01.116 --> 01:41:04.245
When I met you, Dennis Rodman
looked better in a dress.

01:41:04.453 --> 01:41:06.872
But now you're a lady! I did that.

01:41:07.039 --> 01:41:11.251
Vic did that, and a team of highly
specialized federal manicurists...

01:41:11.459 --> 01:41:13.962
...and people who make you beautiful.

01:41:14.171 --> 01:41:15.548
Get in the car.

01:41:15.797 --> 01:41:17.675
You think you saved something.

01:41:17.884 --> 01:41:22.221
All you did was to destroy the dream
of young women all over the country.

01:41:22.430 --> 01:41:24.056
Their dream is to get blown up?

01:41:24.266 --> 01:41:26.268
You got a good shot
at that insanity plea.

01:41:26.810 --> 01:41:27.893
I earned it!

01:41:28.103 --> 01:41:30.688
Years of bitching beauty
queens and what do I get?

01:41:30.938 --> 01:41:34.858
Fired! They steal my life,
they steal my beauty pageant.

01:41:35.734 --> 01:41:39.280
It is not a beauty pageant.
It is a scholarship program.

01:41:39.489 --> 01:41:40.949
Yeah, yeah.

01:41:41.241 --> 01:41:42.242
"Yes."

01:41:47.580 --> 01:41:52.418
Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio
Women's Correctional Facility Pageant!

01:41:56.506 --> 01:41:58.967
Get it? The Women's Correctional--

01:42:00.303 --> 01:42:01.803
That was good work.

01:42:04.306 --> 01:42:05.514
Right back at you.

01:42:08.642 --> 01:42:11.062
So, how does it feel?

01:42:11.688 --> 01:42:13.607
Throwing the rule book
out of the window?

01:42:13.815 --> 01:42:15.568
Pretty good, actually.

01:42:16.526 --> 01:42:18.153
I was thinking...

01:42:18.361 --> 01:42:19.739
...when we get back...

01:42:19.947 --> 01:42:23.366
...after we write up our reports
and you get all ugly again...

01:42:23.699 --> 01:42:25.868
...maybe we could have dinner?

01:42:26.035 --> 01:42:28.496
What? You asking me out on a date?

01:42:29.206 --> 01:42:30.874
No. Just a casual dinner.

01:42:31.041 --> 01:42:34.002
If we happen to have sex afterwards,
so be it.

01:42:37.590 --> 01:42:40.549
You think I'm gorgeous.

01:42:40.759 --> 01:42:43.553
You want to date me...

01:42:43.763 --> 01:42:46.556
...love me and marry me.

01:42:58.027 --> 01:42:59.986
A part of you is gonna miss this.

01:43:00.196 --> 01:43:02.406
The heels.
They do something for my posture.

01:43:02.572 --> 01:43:04.784
I'm suddenly very aware
and proud of my breasts.

01:43:04.991 --> 01:43:07.370
- Funny, me too.
- Agent Matthews! Gracie!

01:43:07.536 --> 01:43:08.955
Thank God you're still here.

01:43:09.205 --> 01:43:10.705
There's been an emergency.

01:43:10.958 --> 01:43:14.378
Somebody found some
sort of incendiary device.

01:43:14.627 --> 01:43:16.419
Come on, quickly!

01:43:16.962 --> 01:43:17.797
Excuse me. FBI.

01:43:18.005 --> 01:43:22.301
She saved the pageant, she saved
our lives, and here she is!

01:43:25.597 --> 01:43:26.931
That's not gonna work for me.

01:43:27.975 --> 01:43:29.309
I can't go up there!

01:43:29.476 --> 01:43:30.851
It was his idea, Gracie Lou.

01:43:31.060 --> 01:43:33.938
I'd never get you here unless
you could shoot someone.

01:43:34.147 --> 01:43:35.940
You'll get yours, Henry Higgins.

01:43:37.817 --> 01:43:39.277
Come on!

01:43:42.114 --> 01:43:47.159
Ladies and gentlemen,
agent Gracie Hart of the FBI!

01:43:50.621 --> 01:43:51.999
Not so fast!

01:43:52.207 --> 01:43:55.334
Because even though
you're a federal officer...

01:43:55.501 --> 01:43:59.296
...to us, you will always be
Gracie Lou Freebush.

01:43:59.506 --> 01:44:04.303
The nicest, sweetest,
coolest girl at the pageant...

01:44:04.511 --> 01:44:07.305
...and this year's Miss Congeniality!

01:44:25.824 --> 01:44:27.910
I don't know what to say.

01:44:29.035 --> 01:44:30.996
Except for...

01:44:31.538 --> 01:44:33.206
...I can't wear this at work.

01:44:35.625 --> 01:44:38.462
I never thought anything like
this would happen to me.

01:44:39.004 --> 01:44:42.675
I kind of hoped it wouldn't.
But now that it has...

01:44:43.134 --> 01:44:44.677
...I just want to say that...

01:44:44.885 --> 01:44:46.304
...I'm very...

01:44:49.556 --> 01:44:50.641
...very honored.

01:44:52.142 --> 01:44:53.143
And...

01:44:54.311 --> 01:44:55.355
...moved.

01:44:56.022 --> 01:44:57.273
And...

01:44:59.901 --> 01:45:01.569
...truly touched.

01:45:05.239 --> 01:45:06.407
And...

01:45:13.664 --> 01:45:15.666
...I really do want world peace.

01:45:15.690 --> 01:45:35.690
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