WEBVTT
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..:: Presented By ZarFilm Website ::..
.:: www.bolboljan.net ::.
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Tired of the same old you?
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Tired of being out of shape
and out of luck with the opposite sex?
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Tired of being overweight
and under-attractive?
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Yeah.
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Oh, hello.
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I'm White Goodman, owner, operator
and founder of Globo Gym America Corp.
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I'm here to tell ya that you don't have
to be stuck with what you've got.
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Hey, Rory. Looking good.
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At Globo Gym we that understand "ugliness"
and "fatness" are genetic disorders,
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much like baldness or necrophilia,
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and it's only your fault if you don't hate
yourself enough to do something about it.
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That's where we come in.
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Globo Gym employs
a highly trained, quasi-cultural staff
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of personal alteration specialists.
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With our competitively priced
onsite cosmetic surgery,
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we can turn that Frankenstein
you see in the mirror every morning
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into a Franken-fine.
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Of course, you'll still be you in a legal sense,
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but think of it as a thinner,
more attractive, better you
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than you could ever become without us.
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How do I know?
Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym,
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I'm also a client.
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That's me, six years and 600lbs ago,
before I knew how much I hated myself.
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That all changed once I founded Globo Gym.
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But don'tjust take my word for it. Listen
to these Globo gymers tell you how it is...
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That feels good.
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Oh, the tickle machine.
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Crash, no. Crash, out.
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Bad dog. No grundle.
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Come on down and join the winning team,
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because here at Globo Gym,
we're better than you.
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And we know it.
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Spare me.
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Mr La Fleur, this is Doris
from the Department of Water and Power.
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We've been trying to reach you,
but your phone was disconnected.
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We'll be shutting off
your water and power at 5pm today
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due to an eight-month overdue account.
Thank you and have a nice day.
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This is Seth from Videorama.
The following DVDs are now overdue.
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Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5
and Mona Lisa Smile. Thank you.
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Come on, baby, be there.
Be there.
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It's gonna be a good day.
I'm proud of you.
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We're just around the corner.
My gym's here. I promise we're almost there.
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You guys are lifesavers.
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I appreciate the effort.
Don't pull a hammy over it.
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Gimme that garbage.
Shouldn't you be on a treadmill?
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Hey, Peter.
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- How's my little tax shelter this morning?
- Everything's shipshape.
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Don't hold out on me. What's happening?
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It's just I'm trying
this new voicemail-dating thing.
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And, like, no one's even left me a message,
and it's been almost two months.
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There's someone out there for everybody.
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- You think?
- Absolutely.
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In some cases, there's two somebodies for
one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".
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See you later, dater.
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- Hey, Peter.
- Hey, Gordon.
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- I'm wailing on my glutes.
- Sounds great.
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I'm gonna shock the biceps later,
then some cardio. Keep the body guessing.
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- I like to keep my body guessing.
- Sure. I wanted to ask you something.
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- Did you catch the game last night?
- Can I say yes?
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Amateur curling championships
on ESPN8.
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- I had no idea.
- You missed a doozy. Really great stuff.
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I feel dumb for asking,
but how did you hear about it?
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- OSQ. Obscure Sports Quarterly.
- Of course, the OSQ.
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Started reading it in college, for the chicks.
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- I'm glad that worked out for you.
- Thanks, Peter.
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- Bye.
- Love the orange and love the headphones.
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When I come back,
I want you on a different machine.
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- You need a spot?
- I'm cool, Pete.
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OK, come on. Let's get this out of here.
You OK?
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- You're like a human Chinese puzzle.
- Thanks, Pete.
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All that weight is dangerous.
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It'll be worth it when I make the cheerleading
squad. Prove to Amber that I'm not a loser.
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Hang on a second. You wanna become
a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?
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Yeah. Why?
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Nothing. High school's
changed a bit since I was a kid.
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Plus, all anyone ever remembers is
what happened at last year's tryouts.
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I'm the laughing stock of the school.
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I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.
What happened at last year's tryouts?
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Justin Redmond. Ready and super-psyched.
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- Hey, Amber.
- Hi, Justin. Good luck.
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Good luck to you, making yourjudgments.
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And from the girls' line,
we need girl number
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00, Martha Johnstone.
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Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, OK?
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I'm not wearing any panties.
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Ready? One, two.
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Liberty, ready?
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- Dude.
- Can he breathe?
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- Wow.
- Yeah.
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- It was the worst.
- Don't worry about this Amber situation.
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- It'll all work itself out in the end.
- Thanks, Pete.
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You'll laugh at this one day.
I'm laughing.
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Go at your own pace.
That's what it's there for.
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- Who goes there?
- It's me. It's Peter.
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'Tis about the matter of payment
for me membership.
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Steve be a touch short this month.
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That's all right.
Just pay me when you get the money.
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The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt.
I'll make a barter with you.
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In exchange for your kindness,
I'll be splitting me buried treasure with you.
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Once I find it, that be.
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I'm flattered by the gesture, but
a couple of bucks here and there will be fine.
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Thanks, Peter.
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- I'll be on the StairMaster.
- OK, Steve.
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- Next time, maybe just say "hello".
- Gar.
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Hello.
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It's not my birthday till next month,
but terrific.
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I'm so sorry. Hi.
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I'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone.
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- Your bank?
- Right. My bank.
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- You are very attractive for a banker.
- Thank you. I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
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Really? What kind of law
are you involved in, pretty eyes?
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Sexual harassment, mostly.
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But I also handle real estate and tax law,
which is why I'm here.
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- This place is in default?
- No. You're in foreclosure.
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You were in default
when we sent you delinquency notices.
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- I thought those were just warnings.
- They were warnings.
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No one warned me. What happens now?
I make my payments out to somebody else?
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You have 30 days to pay the balance
of your mortgage, or you lose your gym.
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Perfect. What's the damage?
What do I owe you?
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$50,000.
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Personal cheque gonna be OK? Might have
to wait till the end of the month to cash her?
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I do have to switch some funds. The charity
I like to work with is gonna take a hit.
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Mr La Fleur, I can assure you
this is a very serious situation.
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Yeah.
This is extremely serious, Mrs Veatch.
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It's Ms. I'll need to review all of your financial
statements and assess any tax liabilities.
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Absolutely.
I don't know how you say "Ms" for "Mr",
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but if there was a "Ms Mr",
I'm a Ms as well.
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You do keep financial records?
Invoices, revenue reports, taxable income.
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You kidding? I got a closet full of 'em.
I call 'em keepers.
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- Problem is I've never really filed them.
- No kidding.
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Just out of curiosity,
who would want to buy this place anyway?
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Come on, squeeze it, squeeze it.
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Yeah, come on, come on. Get it up.
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One more, bitch. One more, bitch.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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- Now you're my bitch.
- Yeah.
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Yeah, baby.
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Involuntary spasm.
Look at the show. Enjoy the show.
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This a bad time? I could come back.
Looks like some real dude sweat going on.
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Add three pounds to the scales in the
women's locker room before you go home.
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Refreshment?
I've got protein paste, carb laxative...
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- Suffocated kumquat, perhaps?
- I'm trying to cut down on those.
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- They're good. They are good.
- Know what you mean.
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Walk with me.
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Hey, Brianna.
Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600.
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Nice job, Susie.
You call that a sit-up?
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Don't slack, Trevor.
I'm watching you.
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There's a good energy in the gym.
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Let me guess why you're here, Pete.
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Because I bought out
the second mortgage on your gym.
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You've got 30 days to make $50,000,
or your gym becomes my gym.
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I know we've had our differences...
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Is that what you call
sleeping with three of my female trainers?
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It was one night.
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Or the strip-o-gram you sent me
for the Globo Gym one-year anniversary?
00:11:15.900 --> 00:11:19.100
- It was meant to be congratulatory.
- It was also a man.
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Let's not get hung up on details.
00:11:21.800 --> 00:11:24.400
- We're both professionals.
- Really?
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Last I heard, my gym makes money.
Yours doesn't.
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My gym's worth over $4 million.
Your gym isn't worth four.
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I have shareholders.
You haven't even got cupholders.
00:11:36.100 --> 00:11:38.300
- Why would I want cupholders?
- The point is
00:11:38.500 --> 00:11:41.400
Globo Gym is a beacon
of human physical perfection.
00:11:41.600 --> 00:11:43.600
A benchmark in the fitness community.
00:11:43.800 --> 00:11:48.600
Your "gym" is a skid mark
on the underpants of society.
00:11:48.900 --> 00:11:53.300
See, Peter, I wasn't born
expecting the world to do me any favours.
00:11:53.600 --> 00:11:56.600
I earned this body
and I built this temple
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out of nothing more than
a little can-do attitude and elbow grease.
00:12:00.600 --> 00:12:03.300
And a large inheritance
from my father, Earl Goodman.
00:12:03.500 --> 00:12:09.400
So if I choose to level Average Joe's to build
a parking structure for my members, so be it.
00:12:09.700 --> 00:12:11.800
There's nothing you can do about it.
00:12:12.000 --> 00:12:16.900
In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap
you call a gym into permanent nothingness.
00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:22.300
I can only hope that you, and the mongrel
race that comprise your membership,
00:12:22.700 --> 00:12:25.300
are inside it when I do.
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Show Mr La Fleur out.
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Turn it up high, Reggie.
00:12:31.800 --> 00:12:33.800
I wanna burn.
00:12:35.800 --> 00:12:40.500
So that's the deal. We got 30 days
to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history.
00:12:40.800 --> 00:12:43.200
I got ten minutes. I'll open it up to some Q&A.
00:12:44.700 --> 00:12:48.300
No need to raise your hands,
it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off.
00:12:48.500 --> 00:12:52.000
Yes, Peter, - and I'm just spitballing here -
00:12:52.300 --> 00:12:56.800
but why don't we pay it off
in Canadian dollars and save some money?
00:12:57.100 --> 00:13:01.100
Just so you know, if that's a route
you want to follow, it's 50,000 American.
00:13:01.300 --> 00:13:04.500
It would be 70,000, roughly, Canadian dollars.
00:13:04.800 --> 00:13:09.700
- How are we gonna come up with $120,000?
- Owen, you don't add them together.
00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:14.100
Technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this,
but it's more like $73,313...
00:13:14.400 --> 00:13:17.900
It doesn't matter. We can't come up
with $50,000. We're screwed.
00:13:18.100 --> 00:13:19.800
Gar.
00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:25.200
- It's an insurmountable amount of money.
- No, it's not insurmountable. Come on.
00:13:25.700 --> 00:13:28.300
We can'tjust sit back
and let Globo Gym take us over.
00:13:28.600 --> 00:13:31.500
Average Joe's is too important.
00:13:31.700 --> 00:13:33.900
Where do you go
when your wife changes the locks?
00:13:34.100 --> 00:13:36.000
- Average Joe's.
- Right.
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Dwight, Owen, what will you do
if Joe's goes under? Work at the airport?
00:13:40.100 --> 00:13:43.900
- I ain't working at no airport again.
- No. Cos you hated it.
00:13:44.200 --> 00:13:48.300
And, Steve, where do you go
to do whatever it is that you do?
00:13:48.600 --> 00:13:52.800
- Gar. Joe's be the only place for Steve.
- Gar. You're right.
00:13:53.500 --> 00:13:57.700
Do you see? There's no way I can go
back to working out at my high school.
00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:01.600
They'd laugh at me there.
Lock me in lockers, make me eat clay.
00:14:01.800 --> 00:14:04.600
But not here, not at Joe's.
00:14:04.800 --> 00:14:09.500
I need this place.
You guys need this place. Come on.
00:14:12.200 --> 00:14:15.000
I got it. I know how we can raise the money.
00:14:15.300 --> 00:14:17.800
- How?
- Car wash.
00:14:34.300 --> 00:14:37.700
What are the chances?
Same day, right across the street?
00:14:38.000 --> 00:14:39.800
The girls beat us fair and square.
00:14:40.100 --> 00:14:45.800
I am gonna be a gentleman about it and
congratulate every one of them, personally.
00:14:46.100 --> 00:14:50.600
Guys. Not to be a nay-sayer or anything,
but the only customer we've had
00:14:50.900 --> 00:14:55.200
is that weird guy
who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.
00:15:00.300 --> 00:15:05.100
That's it, boy.
Get in there nice and deep, like.
00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:10.500
- That's not good.
- Gar. This sucks.
00:15:22.000 --> 00:15:24.900
Relax, Justin, it's just a cutout.
00:15:25.900 --> 00:15:29.200
At Globo Gym,
we're better than you and we know it.
00:15:29.500 --> 00:15:32.300
Sign up now.
00:15:32.500 --> 00:15:34.600
Do you smell that fitness? I do.
00:15:34.800 --> 00:15:37.200
Rock it and shock it, baby.
00:15:37.400 --> 00:15:39.300
You gotta burn it to earn it.
00:15:39.500 --> 00:15:43.300
- What's in the envelope?
- Free 30-day memberships to Globo Gym.
00:15:43.600 --> 00:15:47.200
- Cool.
- It's ajoke. He sent it to us as an insult.
00:15:47.400 --> 00:15:51.300
Maybe we could sell 'em for cash
cos the car wash cost us money.
00:15:51.600 --> 00:15:54.000
- We're further away from saving this place?
- Yes.
00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:56.700
- We'll never raise enough money.
- This blows.
00:15:56.900 --> 00:15:58.800
Guys, I know this is tough to take,
00:15:59.000 --> 00:16:02.900
but if an impromptu car wash
doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need,
00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:05.200
I guess itjust isn't in the cards.
00:16:05.400 --> 00:16:11.500
Trust me here. If there was any way in
the world we could raise $50,000 in 30 days,
00:16:11.800 --> 00:16:14.100
short of robbing a bank, I'd do it.
00:16:14.300 --> 00:16:16.400
We could sell blood and semen.
00:16:16.600 --> 00:16:18.400
What? Not mixed together.
00:16:18.600 --> 00:16:20.700
Guys, I love the enthusiasm,
00:16:20.900 --> 00:16:24.200
I love the energy here,
but we're looking at this the wrong way.
00:16:24.400 --> 00:16:27.000
Let's celebrate the good times
that was Joe's.
00:16:27.300 --> 00:16:30.500
We gotta start looking at this Irish-wake style.
00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:37.400
Let me be the first
to say goodbye to Average Joe's.
00:16:37.700 --> 00:16:41.600
We gave it a hell of a run, guys.
Now let's try to have some fun.
00:16:41.800 --> 00:16:45.100
I'm gonna put on "The Thong Song",
and we'll tear this place apart.
00:16:45.400 --> 00:16:47.600
Wait, wait. Peter. Peter.
00:16:48.400 --> 00:16:50.500
We could play dodgeball.
00:16:50.700 --> 00:16:55.200
That's very nice, Gordon, but everyone's
tired. Playing a game isn't gonna help.
00:16:55.500 --> 00:17:01.000
There's a tournament in Las Vegas.
I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before.
00:17:01.300 --> 00:17:04.100
I read about
the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open
00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:06.500
every year in Obscure Sports Quarterly.
00:17:06.700 --> 00:17:09.200
Of course. That's a totally common thing.
00:17:09.400 --> 00:17:13.500
The best part is it's open to any team
that wins a regional qualifying match.
00:17:13.700 --> 00:17:19.200
- How is dodgeball gonna get us the $50,000?
- They have a cash prize for the winner.
00:17:19.600 --> 00:17:22.500
- How much?
- $50,000.
00:17:22.700 --> 00:17:25.700
Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000
for playing dodgeball.
00:17:25.900 --> 00:17:28.900
- Why not?
- None of us know how to play dodgeball.
00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:33.600
I do. We played it in PE last year.
They showed us this film about it.
00:17:33.900 --> 00:17:37.100
- Can you get your hands on that film?
- Sure, I guess.
00:17:37.300 --> 00:17:39.900
Can we please try to be serious
here for one second?
00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:45.200
You said anything we could do to raise
the money. This is that anything. This is it.
00:17:45.400 --> 00:17:48.700
Come on, show of hands.
Who wants to play dodgeball?
00:17:49.600 --> 00:17:51.900
Come on.
00:17:54.500 --> 00:17:56.900
Come on, Pete.
00:17:58.100 --> 00:18:01.200
You guys had me at blood and semen.
Come here.
00:18:04.800 --> 00:18:07.900
You want it, don't you, fat boy?
00:18:08.200 --> 00:18:10.100
You want that doughnut.
00:18:10.300 --> 00:18:12.900
Go ahead and have a bite.
00:18:13.100 --> 00:18:16.900
Just a little bite.
One little bite won't hurt you.
00:18:22.500 --> 00:18:24.300
Momma.
00:18:25.100 --> 00:18:29.800
- Sir, Katherine Veatch is here to see you.
- Give me 30 seconds and send her in.
00:18:30.100 --> 00:18:31.500
Yes, sir.
00:18:47.100 --> 00:18:49.100
Thank you.
00:18:54.300 --> 00:18:58.400
Hello, Katherine. Good to see you.
I didn't know you were dropping by.
00:18:58.600 --> 00:19:02.000
- You asked me to come over.
- Did I?
00:19:03.400 --> 00:19:06.100
Are you reading the dictionary?
00:19:07.900 --> 00:19:11.400
You caught me. I like to break
a mental sweat too. Grab a chair.
00:19:11.700 --> 00:19:17.600
So, I trust everything's going swimmingly
with our acquisition of Average Joe's?
00:19:17.900 --> 00:19:22.500
So far, yeah. There's a lot to do over there,
so I should probably get back.
00:19:22.800 --> 00:19:26.600
- That is a really interesting painting.
- Thank you.
00:19:26.900 --> 00:19:32.100
Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns.
It's how I handle my business.
00:19:32.400 --> 00:19:34.400
It's a metaphor.
00:19:34.600 --> 00:19:38.600
- I get it.
- But that actually happened, though.
00:19:38.900 --> 00:19:43.800
Anyway, we're a pretty tight-knit tribe here,
but there's always room for one more squaw.
00:19:44.100 --> 00:19:48.100
So, please, whatever you do,
don't think of me as your boss.
00:19:48.400 --> 00:19:50.800
- I don't.
- I don't want to get into a formal thing.
00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:53.000
I'm White, you know.
00:19:53.200 --> 00:19:55.000
W-h-i-t.
00:19:57.000 --> 00:19:58.400
E.
00:19:58.600 --> 00:20:01.200
Thanks, Mr Goodman,
but I'm contracted by the bank.
00:20:01.400 --> 00:20:03.400
They just assigned me to your account.
00:20:03.600 --> 00:20:09.400
Right, well. You work for the bank. Bank
works for me so, ipso fact, I'm your boss.
00:20:09.700 --> 00:20:15.700
Point is, I would love to see your pretty
little bone structure around here some more.
00:20:16.100 --> 00:20:18.100
There's no reason we need to be shackled
00:20:18.300 --> 00:20:22.400
by the strictures of
the employee-employer relationship.
00:20:22.700 --> 00:20:25.100
Unless you're into that sort of thing.
00:20:25.300 --> 00:20:28.000
In which case,
I got some shackles in the back.
00:20:28.200 --> 00:20:31.700
I'm just kidding.
But seriously, I've got 'em.
00:20:31.900 --> 00:20:34.500
I'm just doing my job, Mr Goodman.
00:20:34.800 --> 00:20:40.000
In fact, I actually prefer it over there.
00:20:40.200 --> 00:20:43.900
Really? You like it with those freaks
over there in Loser-Town?
00:20:44.100 --> 00:20:47.200
They're not freaks.
They're people, just like you and me.
00:20:48.800 --> 00:20:50.900
People?
00:20:51.100 --> 00:20:53.500
"People, just like you and me."
Oh, man.
00:20:53.700 --> 00:20:57.400
That is what I love about you, Kate.
You've got a "personality".
00:20:58.500 --> 00:21:05.500
That is rich. A real sauciness
that I find extremely attractive.
00:21:07.800 --> 00:21:10.000
We should mate.
00:21:10.200 --> 00:21:11.900
- What?
- Date.
00:21:12.100 --> 00:21:15.100
We should date some time. Socially.
Go out and kick it.
00:21:17.100 --> 00:21:19.000
- Are you OK?
- I'm fine.
00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:22.400
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
00:21:23.700 --> 00:21:26.900
In some cultures, they only eat vomit.
00:21:27.100 --> 00:21:30.800
I never been there,
but I read about it in a book.
00:21:31.100 --> 00:21:34.600
I'm sorry, Mr Goodman.
I don't date clients.
00:21:36.500 --> 00:21:38.200
I get it.
00:21:38.400 --> 00:21:41.800
Don't crap where you eat. I understand.
00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:45.700
Me'Shell.
Please escort Ms Veatch out.
00:21:47.500 --> 00:21:51.500
And, Katherine, make sure
my acquisition of that gym goes smoothly.
00:21:51.800 --> 00:21:54.900
They're up to something over there.
I can smell it.
00:22:02.300 --> 00:22:07.900
Ûber-American Instructional films,
teaching America's youth since 1938.
00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:16.800
Hey, there, Timmy.
00:22:16.900 --> 00:22:20.500
Holy mackerel, mister.
You scared the jeepers out of me.
00:22:20.800 --> 00:22:24.500
How'd you like to take a break
from that fine lead-based paint,
00:22:24.800 --> 00:22:26.100
and learn about dodgeball?
00:22:26.200 --> 00:22:28.000
Boy, would I.
00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:35.200
- Where am I, mister?
- You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy.
00:22:35.500 --> 00:22:38.800
This is where dodgeball
was invented in the 15th century,
00:22:39.000 --> 00:22:41.300
by opium-addicted Chinamen.
00:22:41.500 --> 00:22:44.800
Back then, the Chinamen threw
severed human heads at each another
00:22:45.100 --> 00:22:48.300
instead of the ADAA-approved balls
we use today.
00:22:51.000 --> 00:22:52.000
ADAA?
00:22:52.200 --> 00:22:55.800
That's the American Dodgeball
Association of America.
00:22:56.000 --> 00:23:01.300
Dodgeball is played with six players
on each team, and six rubber balls.
00:23:01.700 --> 00:23:04.800
The object of the game
is to eliminate the opposing players.
00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.300
Once all the players on one team are
eliminated, the opposing team wins.
00:23:09.600 --> 00:23:13.500
Wow. I can't wait
to get the fellas together and play.
00:23:15.600 --> 00:23:18.400
Hang on a second there, sport.
00:23:18.700 --> 00:23:21.600
- Patches O'Houlihan.
- That's right, Timmy.
00:23:21.800 --> 00:23:27.600
Patches O'Houlihan. Seven-time ADAA
All-Star is here to take you the rest of the way.
00:23:27.900 --> 00:23:31.400
- Jeepers. Really?
- You betcha, champ.
00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:35.900
If you catch a ball that's thrown at you
before it hits the ground,
00:23:36.200 --> 00:23:39.500
the player who threw that ball is out,
not you.
00:23:39.700 --> 00:23:44.300
Plus, another player from your team
gets to come back into the game.
00:23:44.600 --> 00:23:48.000
- It's a two-player swing.
- Thanks, Patches.
00:23:48.300 --> 00:23:51.000
I can't wait to start my own team at school.
00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:53.200
Attaboy, Tiger.
00:23:53.400 --> 00:23:58.800
But remember, dodgeball is a sport
of violence, exclusion and degradation.
00:23:59.100 --> 00:24:02.100
So, when you're picking players in gym class,
00:24:02.300 --> 00:24:06.300
remember to pick the bigger,
stronger kids for your team.
00:24:06.600 --> 00:24:12.000
That way, you can all gang up
on the weaker ones, like Winston here.
00:24:17.200 --> 00:24:20.000
Nice one, son.
You'll be an all-star yet.
00:24:20.300 --> 00:24:23.700
Just remember the five Ds of dodgeball.
00:24:23.900 --> 00:24:26.600
Dodge, duck, dip, dive and
00:24:26.800 --> 00:24:28.300
dodge.
00:24:28.500 --> 00:24:31.400
Till next time.
This is Patches O'Houlihan,
00:24:31.600 --> 00:24:36.100
saying, "Take care of your balls
and they'll take care of you."
00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:40.700
OK, guys. Any questions? Great.
00:24:40.900 --> 00:24:45.600
I signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier
tomorrow at the Waldorf rec centre.
00:24:45.900 --> 00:24:47.700
But we haven't even practised yet.
00:24:47.900 --> 00:24:51.600
We have to qualify for the Vegas Open.
Tomorrow's regional's our last chance.
00:24:51.900 --> 00:24:57.100
Everyone, just relax. I've always found
the best way to learn a sport is by playing it.
00:24:57.400 --> 00:25:00.100
If anyone needs me,
I'll be in my office doing Mad Libs.
00:25:00.300 --> 00:25:02.400
Thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot.
00:25:02.600 --> 00:25:04.400
OK, I think everybody knows...
00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:11.900
- Don't you have an office of your own?
- Yes, I do have an office.
00:25:12.200 --> 00:25:15.000
A very nice office
with a view and air-conditioning.
00:25:15.200 --> 00:25:18.300
- Rub it in.
- What I don't have in my office is a closet
00:25:18.500 --> 00:25:23.300
of 30 years of financial transactions,
devoid of any filing system known to man.
00:25:23.700 --> 00:25:27.500
Hard to believe I only got a semester
ofjunior college under my belt.
00:25:27.700 --> 00:25:32.400
Do you realise you haven't collected
any membership fees in 13 months?
00:25:32.700 --> 00:25:36.600
I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy,
or do you really not have a goal in life?
00:25:36.900 --> 00:25:40.400
I found that if you have a goal,
you might not reach it.
00:25:40.700 --> 00:25:44.200
But if you don't have one,
then you are never disappointed.
00:25:44.400 --> 00:25:48.700
I gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal.
00:25:49.000 --> 00:25:52.200
I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.
00:25:52.400 --> 00:25:55.000
Sad? You wanna know what's sad?
00:25:55.200 --> 00:25:57.900
Six grown men playing dodgeball.
00:25:58.600 --> 00:26:02.500
Since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead
and do some abs, go shock it up.
00:26:02.800 --> 00:26:06.400
I like to work out all the time
for this kind of sporting event.
00:26:06.600 --> 00:26:09.300
Gotta be limber and loose.
That's the only way to play.
00:26:09.500 --> 00:26:13.900
Hey, you guys take vitamins?
I take vitamins all the time...
00:26:16.500 --> 00:26:18.800
Dodgeball, eh?
00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:23.800
If Peter La Fleur thinks a few
red rubber balls can save his sorry gym,
00:26:24.100 --> 00:26:26.900
he's in for quite a surprise.
00:26:35.300 --> 00:26:38.100
- Sorry I'm late, guys.
- Hey, Pete.
00:26:38.300 --> 00:26:42.500
- Bad morning, boss?
- They usually follow good nights, Dwight.
00:26:42.800 --> 00:26:44.800
- Hey, Gord, your family's here.
- Where?
00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:47.200
- Right over there.
- Great.
00:26:47.400 --> 00:26:50.600
She knows I don't like it
when she watches me. I get all nervous.
00:26:50.800 --> 00:26:53.600
- Kids take after you.
- Yeah. She's their stepmother.
00:26:53.800 --> 00:26:56.700
I remarried three years ago.
An Internet mail-order thing.
00:26:57.000 --> 00:27:01.000
- How's that working out for you?
- Really great. Really great.
00:27:01.200 --> 00:27:02.600
Hey, honey.
00:27:04.500 --> 00:27:07.400
L for love. Good times.
00:27:07.600 --> 00:27:09.600
L for love? That doesn't mean love...
00:27:09.800 --> 00:27:12.200
People have different translations for things.
00:27:12.400 --> 00:27:16.700
That's a special bond that you have with
your mail-order wife. I think that's nice.
00:27:17.000 --> 00:27:19.100
- How many teams are in this qualifier?
- Two.
00:27:19.300 --> 00:27:21.600
If we beat this team,
we're in the Vegas Open?
00:27:21.800 --> 00:27:23.600
- Yeah.
- That seems pretty simple.
00:27:23.800 --> 00:27:28.600
- Who's the other team?
- I have it right here. Just a sec.
00:27:28.900 --> 00:27:33.300
- Troop 417.
- Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts?
00:27:34.100 --> 00:27:35.300
Not quite.
00:27:44.000 --> 00:27:45.500
Bollocks.
00:27:51.200 --> 00:27:53.200
Troop 417, ready.
00:27:53.400 --> 00:27:55.000
Average Joe's, ready.
00:27:56.900 --> 00:27:58.500
Set. Dodgeball.
00:28:27.000 --> 00:28:29.300
I'm gonna send you to hell.
00:28:39.200 --> 00:28:44.200
- I'm really sorry. Are you all right?
- Why would you hit a girl? Why?
00:28:44.600 --> 00:28:46.500
I am so sorry. Are you OK?
00:28:48.900 --> 00:28:51.200
Winner - Troop 417.
00:28:51.400 --> 00:28:53.400
In your face.
00:28:53.600 --> 00:28:57.800
You're adopted.
Your parents don't even love you.
00:29:00.400 --> 00:29:06.100
And now, without further ado,
it gives me great pleasure to award...
00:29:09.200 --> 00:29:12.300
I'm sorry.
We have a bit of a problem here.
00:29:13.100 --> 00:29:16.200
Unfortunately for Troop 417,
00:29:16.500 --> 00:29:20.300
during the ADAA-required
random drug screening,
00:29:20.500 --> 00:29:25.700
one of your player's urine tested positive
for three separate types of anabolic steroids,
00:29:26.100 --> 00:29:29.800
and a low-grade beaver tranquilliser.
00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:34.000
I'm afraid, by rule,
your team must be disqualified.
00:29:34.800 --> 00:29:37.000
Goddamn you, Bernice.
00:29:37.800 --> 00:29:41.100
By the power vested in me,
I declare the winner of this year's
00:29:41.400 --> 00:29:46.600
Dodgeball Regional Qualifying Tournament
and Grammar Jamboree to be
00:29:46.900 --> 00:29:48.700
Average Joe's Gym.
00:29:51.600 --> 00:29:53.300
You lied.
00:30:00.400 --> 00:30:05.300
All I'm saying to you, Kate, is that you can
admit the real reason why you showed up.
00:30:05.600 --> 00:30:09.900
I was in the neighbourhood and
I thought you could use a cheering section.
00:30:10.200 --> 00:30:13.700
Kate, if you wannajoin the team,
all you have to do is ask.
00:30:13.900 --> 00:30:16.600
Thank you, Peter. I don't.
00:30:17.700 --> 00:30:20.400
It is obvious that you dig me.
00:30:20.600 --> 00:30:22.500
- You're hooked on La Fleur.
- God.
00:30:22.700 --> 00:30:27.500
I've been through this many times. I'm sorry.
You can't stay away from me. I'm so stupid.
00:30:27.800 --> 00:30:33.600
I'll admit that, in spite of yourself, you have
brief moments where you're not completely...
00:30:35.500 --> 00:30:38.400
What? I'm not completely what?
00:30:38.600 --> 00:30:41.300
Pathetic.
00:30:42.100 --> 00:30:45.100
Hey, White. I didn't think
that Nazi camp got out until eight.
00:30:45.300 --> 00:30:49.600
- Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
- Yes, I did.
00:30:49.900 --> 00:30:53.800
Hello, Kate.
I wasn't aware I was paying you to socialise.
00:30:54.100 --> 00:31:00.600
- You're not. I'm off the clock.
- Isn't it "convenient" for you, and the clock?
00:31:00.900 --> 00:31:04.800
I dropped by to congratulate you
on your victory by disqualification
00:31:05.100 --> 00:31:09.000
and introduce you to the team that
will win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Open.
00:31:09.300 --> 00:31:10.900
My team.
00:31:12.200 --> 00:31:14.600
Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to
00:31:14.800 --> 00:31:16.800
Blade.
00:31:17.800 --> 00:31:19.800
Laser.
00:31:21.000 --> 00:31:23.100
Blazer.
00:31:23.200 --> 00:31:26.600
I've believe you've met
my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell.
00:31:26.900 --> 00:31:31.300
- We met.
- And I almost forgot our last player.
00:31:31.600 --> 00:31:36.300
Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichski.
00:31:46.700 --> 00:31:50.700
In her home country of Romanovia,
dodgeball is the national sport.
00:31:51.000 --> 00:31:55.200
Her nuclear power plant's team won
the championship five years running,
00:31:55.500 --> 00:32:00.500
which makes her the deadliest woman
on earth with a dodgeball.
00:32:00.800 --> 00:32:02.500
Ball me, Blazer.
00:32:03.000 --> 00:32:05.300
Show them, Fran.
00:32:09.700 --> 00:32:12.400
That's just her change-up.
00:32:12.700 --> 00:32:14.600
End of demo.
00:32:14.700 --> 00:32:17.500
We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras
00:32:17.800 --> 00:32:21.400
and we will, we will rock you.
00:32:25.900 --> 00:32:28.700
I think that guy might really be dead.
00:32:30.500 --> 00:32:34.600
Wait a minute. How can you be
entered in the Las Vegas Open?
00:32:34.900 --> 00:32:37.100
You didn't win a regional qualifying match.
00:32:37.300 --> 00:32:40.400
Oh, my God. We never even won
a regional qualifying match.
00:32:40.600 --> 00:32:42.600
Yeah. Now I remember.
00:32:42.800 --> 00:32:46.400
The dodgeball chancellor's
an extremely personal friend of mine.
00:32:46.700 --> 00:32:49.800
I helped him shed some unwanted poundage
before beach season.
00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:52.600
So close your rule book
on that one, Poindextor.
00:32:52.800 --> 00:32:57.200
White, we didn't come here to "rumble".
We came here to celebrate as a team.
00:32:57.500 --> 00:33:00.500
There's plenty of bar here
for you and the Globo-nauts.
00:33:00.700 --> 00:33:02.400
Team?
00:33:02.600 --> 00:33:06.400
What team?
Your best player thinks he's a pirate.
00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:13.300
First of all, he is way more
of a pirate than you will ever be.
00:33:13.500 --> 00:33:18.700
Secondly, we don't know who our best player
is yet. We've only had one game.
00:33:19.000 --> 00:33:23.600
- It could be any one of us at this point.
- Go ahead, make yourjokes, Mr
00:33:23.900 --> 00:33:25.900
Jokey... Joke-maker.
00:33:26.100 --> 00:33:28.900
But let me hit you with
some knowledge. Quit now.
00:33:29.100 --> 00:33:34.100
Save yourself the embarrassment of losing
with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
00:33:34.400 --> 00:33:37.500
Alliteration aside,
I'll take my chances in the tournament.
00:33:37.700 --> 00:33:42.100
- Yeah, you will take your chances.
- I know. I just said that.
00:33:42.400 --> 00:33:45.400
- I know you did.
- I'm not sure where you're going with this.
00:33:45.700 --> 00:33:49.000
- I'm not sure where you're going with this.
- That's what I said.
00:33:49.200 --> 00:33:53.300
- That's what I'm saying to you.
- All right.
00:33:53.600 --> 00:33:55.100
Touché.
00:33:57.900 --> 00:34:00.800
We're gonna split,
but we'll see you at the tournament.
00:34:01.000 --> 00:34:05.800
And, La Fleur, best bring your bib
cos it's gonna get messy.
00:34:10.700 --> 00:34:12.700
Are you all right? You OK?
00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:17.100
Let's bounce. Cobras.
00:34:20.600 --> 00:34:26.400
OK, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up
and head on home, all right?
00:34:33.200 --> 00:34:34.400
Hey, you.
00:34:34.600 --> 00:34:39.200
That was the worst damn display
of dodgeball I've seen in 40 years.
00:34:39.500 --> 00:34:42.800
You want a dodgeball victory,
you've gotta grab it by its haunches
00:34:43.000 --> 00:34:46.300
and hump it into submission.
That's the only way.
00:34:46.500 --> 00:34:49.700
OK, crazy guy. I'm gonna go home now.
00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:53.000
I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.
00:34:54.300 --> 00:34:57.100
The name's Patches O'Houlihan.
00:34:57.300 --> 00:34:59.900
I'm your new coach.
00:35:00.100 --> 00:35:02.900
Patches O'Houlihan?
The guy from the dodgeball film?
00:35:03.100 --> 00:35:05.800
- Yeah. He said he wants to coach us.
- You said yes?
00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:09.900
I figured the steady hand of a seasoned
dodgeball coach could only benefit us.
00:35:10.200 --> 00:35:13.200
A'iight.
But he's not weird or anything, is he?
00:35:13.400 --> 00:35:16.100
No. No, he's totally normal.
00:35:27.300 --> 00:35:30.600
I love the smell of queef in the morning.
00:35:30.900 --> 00:35:32.900
I mean normal for us.
00:35:33.500 --> 00:35:35.300
Line up, ladies.
00:35:35.400 --> 00:35:37.700
- What does he mean, line up?
- Now.
00:35:40.900 --> 00:35:44.600
If you're gonna learn to be
true dodgeballers,
00:35:44.800 --> 00:35:48.500
then you've got to learn
the five Ds of dodgeball:
00:35:48.800 --> 00:35:51.700
dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.
00:35:51.900 --> 00:35:57.700
If you master the five Ds,
no amount of balls on earth can hit you.
00:35:59.200 --> 00:36:02.300
- Queer bait, go ahead.
- Me, or...
00:36:02.600 --> 00:36:07.300
Yeah, shouldn't we learn by dodging balls
that are thrown at us, or...
00:36:07.600 --> 00:36:10.800
That's what this sack of wrenches is for.
00:36:16.200 --> 00:36:18.800
If you can dodge a wrench,
you can dodge a ball.
00:36:18.900 --> 00:36:20.900
What?
00:36:30.800 --> 00:36:32.500
Any other questions?
00:36:32.700 --> 00:36:34.800
My God.
00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:39.900
Yeah. Patches, are you sure
that this is completely necessary?
00:36:40.200 --> 00:36:42.600
Necessary?
00:36:42.800 --> 00:36:46.900
- Is it necessary for me to drink my urine?
- Probably not.
00:36:47.200 --> 00:36:52.000
No. But I do it anyway
because it's sterile and I like the taste.
00:36:52.300 --> 00:36:53.700
OK.
00:36:53.800 --> 00:36:59.000
If you're leading this squad, La Fleur, you've
got to learn to do the dance in the dark.
00:37:00.100 --> 00:37:02.000
Here, put that on.
00:37:02.200 --> 00:37:04.400
All right, ladies, buckle up.
00:37:04.900 --> 00:37:06.200
It's showtime.
00:37:09.100 --> 00:37:11.500
Dodge, duck, dip. Dive.
00:37:13.200 --> 00:37:14.700
Dodge.
00:37:14.900 --> 00:37:16.700
Dive.
00:37:16.900 --> 00:37:20.000
Dip. Dive. Dodge.
00:37:20.900 --> 00:37:25.400
I've got three weeks to whip you
suck-ass failure junkies into shape.
00:37:25.600 --> 00:37:29.000
Come on. I get better runs in my shorts.
00:37:29.800 --> 00:37:34.700
Catch a ball, one of their guys goes out.
One of our guys comes back in.
00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:38.100
That's the way you hurt 'em.
That's the way you win.
00:37:41.000 --> 00:37:42.900
Let's go. A little hustle here.
00:37:50.100 --> 00:37:51.700
That's really good, Peter.
00:37:55.600 --> 00:37:59.700
Come on. Only 19 miles to go.
00:38:03.600 --> 00:38:04.800
Attaboy.
00:38:06.700 --> 00:38:08.600
Next man.
00:38:08.800 --> 00:38:11.900
Good luck to you, Gordon.
Remember it's 90% mental.
00:38:12.100 --> 00:38:13.000
Okey-dokey.
00:38:13.200 --> 00:38:17.300
If you can dodge traffic,
you can dodge a ball.
00:38:21.100 --> 00:38:23.000
You got it, Gord.
00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:31.000
- I'm fine. I'm OK.
- OK, there.
00:38:38.000 --> 00:38:40.000
- Man.
- Wake up, Smithy.
00:38:45.900 --> 00:38:50.100
Hell, son. You're about as useful
as a cock-flavoured lollipop.
00:38:51.000 --> 00:38:53.300
Quick feet, fast hands.
00:38:53.500 --> 00:38:55.400
Catch it and throw.
00:38:56.100 --> 00:39:00.800
Pick up the pace. What a bunch of females.
00:39:04.700 --> 00:39:07.500
Jesus. Gimme that.
00:39:08.900 --> 00:39:12.000
You couldn't hit water
if you fell out of a boat.
00:39:12.200 --> 00:39:15.000
Where's your killer instinct?
You gotta get angry.
00:39:15.200 --> 00:39:18.700
You gotta get mean.
That's the only way you can play.
00:39:19.600 --> 00:39:22.200
I guess I'm not really an angry person.
00:39:26.600 --> 00:39:29.200
Are you angry now?
00:39:29.400 --> 00:39:34.100
- Breathe it out.
- Come on, let's get going here.
00:39:41.800 --> 00:39:43.700
Little help?
00:39:52.900 --> 00:39:55.700
What? Eight years of softball.
00:39:55.900 --> 00:39:59.500
- Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
- She is not a lesbian.
00:39:59.700 --> 00:40:02.300
All I know is that dyke can play.
00:40:14.100 --> 00:40:16.100
Come on, come on.
00:40:16.300 --> 00:40:18.800
- Please.
- We need you. You're really good.
00:40:19.000 --> 00:40:20.900
Owen'll be team manager if you play.
00:40:21.100 --> 00:40:22.600
- I will?
- Shut up.
00:40:22.800 --> 00:40:25.600
Look, I find White Goodman creepy,
just like you do...
00:40:25.800 --> 00:40:28.100
All the more reason for you to join us.
00:40:28.300 --> 00:40:31.500
Come on, Kate.
Time to put your mouth where our balls are.
00:40:31.700 --> 00:40:35.800
Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract.
It'd be a conflict of interest.
00:40:36.500 --> 00:40:38.600
Suit yourself.
00:40:38.800 --> 00:40:42.400
All right, you heard Billie-Jean King.
No crying in the breast milk.
00:40:42.700 --> 00:40:44.800
We got plenty of work to do. Let's go.
00:40:48.700 --> 00:40:52.200
We punch the pizza dough down,
and it's time to sauce it up.
00:40:52.500 --> 00:40:54.500
Boy, is my mouth watering.
00:40:54.700 --> 00:40:58.000
You want to put a big dollop
of that tangy red on the dough,
00:40:58.200 --> 00:41:01.000
then use the cheese to shove it to the edge.
00:41:01.300 --> 00:41:03.300
Sir, I need you to take a look at...
00:41:03.400 --> 00:41:05.200
No. What...
00:41:05.400 --> 00:41:10.000
What...
What have I said about knocking?
00:41:10.300 --> 00:41:12.500
- Always knock.
- Sorry, sir.
00:41:12.700 --> 00:41:18.000
What is so important that you need to
interrupt me in my private reflection period?
00:41:18.800 --> 00:41:20.800
These.
00:41:24.900 --> 00:41:29.300
- They're getting better.
- Yes. I can see that, Me'Shell.
00:41:29.600 --> 00:41:33.900
I'm through playing games. It's time
to end this square dance once and for all.
00:41:34.200 --> 00:41:36.200
What about the girl? She can throw.
00:41:36.400 --> 00:41:40.300
I'll simply have to woo Kate
a bit sooner than nature intended.
00:41:40.600 --> 00:41:43.300
But rest assured, Me'Shell.
00:41:43.500 --> 00:41:48.800
There's no resisting when
White Goodman puts on his shiny shoes.
00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:12.100
- Who is it?
- It's White.
00:42:14.800 --> 00:42:17.600
- Surprise.
- White.
00:42:19.100 --> 00:42:21.900
What... What are you doing here?
00:42:22.200 --> 00:42:24.500
How do you know where I live?
00:42:24.700 --> 00:42:26.800
It's called the Freedom of Information Act.
00:42:27.000 --> 00:42:30.600
The hippies finally got something right.
Just kiddin'. Not really.
00:42:30.800 --> 00:42:34.400
Hey. I got some great news. Sit down.
00:42:37.500 --> 00:42:39.500
- What is it?
- You're fired.
00:42:39.700 --> 00:42:41.300
- I'm what?
- You're fired.
00:42:41.400 --> 00:42:45.100
I told the bank that you were stealing
and drinking on the job. They bought it.
00:42:45.400 --> 00:42:48.500
They signed some other
pencil pusher to my account.
00:42:48.700 --> 00:42:50.900
Why would you do that?
00:42:51.600 --> 00:42:54.200
I'm here to begin my courtship of you, Kate.
00:42:54.400 --> 00:42:57.300
- You fired me so I'd date you?
- Yuh-huh.
00:42:57.500 --> 00:43:00.200
You are a crazy little man.
00:43:00.400 --> 00:43:03.000
I know you've been hiding
some feelings for me.
00:43:03.200 --> 00:43:05.200
Yeah. Nausea.
00:43:05.400 --> 00:43:08.700
If you don't leave in two seconds,
you'll know how that feels.
00:43:10.600 --> 00:43:13.300
You like the freaky stuff, huh?
That's cool.
00:43:14.400 --> 00:43:16.200
I can be naughty, too.
00:43:17.900 --> 00:43:20.300
Real, freakin' naughty.
00:43:22.000 --> 00:43:23.900
- You a naughty freak?
- Need help leaving?
00:43:26.200 --> 00:43:27.800
This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.
00:43:27.900 --> 00:43:31.100
Not nearly as much as your hair does.
That's for sure.
00:43:31.400 --> 00:43:35.100
But I believe she asked you to leave.
00:43:37.200 --> 00:43:41.700
I get it. You caught the scent
of a lesser stag in your nostrils.
00:43:42.000 --> 00:43:46.300
Pity. I'll let you have
your little moment, La Fleur,
00:43:46.600 --> 00:43:53.700
cos after this tournament, your gym,
your life and your gal are gonna be mine.
00:43:54.100 --> 00:43:56.200
All mine.
00:43:56.900 --> 00:43:58.800
To be continued...
00:43:59.000 --> 00:44:01.700
You don't get to touch me, ever.
00:44:01.900 --> 00:44:04.200
OK, Romeo. Let me help you up.
00:44:04.400 --> 00:44:07.900
Get off me.
Don't you touch me.
00:44:10.200 --> 00:44:13.100
It is over between us, Kate.
00:44:13.300 --> 00:44:16.200
Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.
Nobody.
00:44:30.600 --> 00:44:33.900
- At least that wasn't weird.
- Yeah.
00:44:34.100 --> 00:44:36.900
- Do I smell cookies?
- Hey.
00:44:38.500 --> 00:44:40.800
Dear Barbara.
00:44:48.200 --> 00:44:50.100
I like unicorns.
00:44:52.900 --> 00:44:55.000
I know you said no to joining the team,
00:44:55.200 --> 00:44:58.900
but I'd like you to reconsider
as a personal favour to me.
00:44:59.200 --> 00:45:00.800
- Peter...
- Before you answer,
00:45:00.900 --> 00:45:03.400
you should know you'd have
your own changing room.
00:45:03.700 --> 00:45:05.800
- Really?
- Sort of.
00:45:07.100 --> 00:45:09.200
And there's also this.
00:45:10.200 --> 00:45:12.300
- OK, what's this?
- I overdid.
00:45:14.800 --> 00:45:18.300
Look at you. Two expired movie passes
00:45:18.600 --> 00:45:23.000
and a coupon for one free back rub
from Peter La Fleur.
00:45:23.300 --> 00:45:27.800
- Play your cards right, could be a full body.
- Will you just stop, please?
00:45:28.000 --> 00:45:31.800
I don't want your perk package.
I don't want your back rub.
00:45:32.100 --> 00:45:35.700
I just want to see White Goodman's face
when we win that tournament.
00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:38.200
- You're in?
- I'm in.
00:45:42.500 --> 00:45:47.200
Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand,
broken dreams and $5 lobster.
00:45:47.500 --> 00:45:51.100
A city where you can get a happy ending,
if you pay a little extra.
00:45:51.400 --> 00:45:54.600
A city home to a sporting event
greater than the World Cup,
00:45:54.800 --> 00:45:59.100
World Series and World War II combined.
00:45:59.400 --> 00:46:03.500
Live from Las Vegas, it's the Las Vegas
International Dodgeball Open
00:46:03.800 --> 00:46:06.500
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho" -
00:46:06.700 --> 00:46:11.200
bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports
from around the globe since 1999.
00:46:11.500 --> 00:46:14.800
If it's almost a sport, we've got it here.
00:46:15.100 --> 00:46:20.600
Hello, everybody, and welcome to this year's
Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open
00:46:20.900 --> 00:46:24.100
brought to you exclusively
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
00:46:24.300 --> 00:46:27.900
We're coming to you live from
the Las Vegas University Learning Annex.
00:46:28.200 --> 00:46:29.900
My name is Cotton McKnight
00:46:30.100 --> 00:46:33.800
and with me, as always,
is my partner in crime, Pepper Brooks.
00:46:34.000 --> 00:46:35.800
Yeah. Cotton, hey.
00:46:36.000 --> 00:46:41.200
Everybody, 32 teams in play, that means
four wins is gonna get you in the final match,
00:46:41.600 --> 00:46:44.900
the fifth win getting you
the 50K that everyone's chasing.
00:46:45.100 --> 00:46:46.100
Cotton.
00:46:46.200 --> 00:46:51.300
There's an electricity in the air,
a palpable hue of anticipation.
00:46:51.700 --> 00:46:55.100
Immortality - five simple victories away.
00:46:55.300 --> 00:46:59.900
They've come from all over - Kathmandu
to Timbuktu, and all points in-between -
00:47:00.200 --> 00:47:04.500
to compete in the one
true human test - dodgeball.
00:47:05.500 --> 00:47:08.000
A reminder.
All players must be vaccinated
00:47:08.200 --> 00:47:12.300
for cholera, syphilis and shingles
before play begins.
00:47:12.600 --> 00:47:16.900
Again, dyslexic players
will not be allowed on the court.
00:47:17.200 --> 00:47:21.400
Team Blitzkrieg to the tournament floor
for a first-round match.
00:47:21.700 --> 00:47:24.900
Only ADAA balls will be used.
00:47:25.100 --> 00:47:28.800
Personal balls of any kind
are strictly prohibited.
00:47:29.100 --> 00:47:31.500
- Hey.
- Hey. What's in the box?
00:47:31.700 --> 00:47:36.100
Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team
needs real dodgeball uniforms.
00:47:36.400 --> 00:47:40.100
So I threw out those old ratty ones
and designed these myself.
00:47:40.400 --> 00:47:44.500
All right. Now we got our thing going on,
maybe we'll start smacking each other.
00:47:44.700 --> 00:47:46.700
I hope everything fits.
00:47:48.900 --> 00:47:51.400
- Wait.
- Nice.
00:47:51.600 --> 00:47:55.900
This isn't right.
This isn't what I ordered.
00:48:00.100 --> 00:48:03.700
- What's this?
- What the hell is that? This is screwed up.
00:48:04.700 --> 00:48:07.600
- What are we supposed to do now?
- Don't worry.
00:48:07.900 --> 00:48:10.000
- We'll play in what we've got on.
- We can't.
00:48:10.200 --> 00:48:12.800
ADAA rules require we wear
matching uniforms.
00:48:13.000 --> 00:48:17.000
I don't think they require ass-less chaps, OK?
00:48:17.300 --> 00:48:22.300
Everybody, calm down. We've got plenty
of time to find other uniforms before we play.
00:48:22.600 --> 00:48:26.000
Ladies, we gotta get on the court
or we're gonna forfeit the game.
00:48:26.200 --> 00:48:29.900
Come on, let's go.
Let's see some movement. Chop-chop.
00:48:30.200 --> 00:48:32.100
I don't see any movement. Let's go.
00:48:42.700 --> 00:48:45.500
How about those dodgeball dancers, folks?
00:48:45.700 --> 00:48:49.400
- That is some good, clean, family fun, Cot.
- Right you are.
00:48:49.700 --> 00:48:52.100
Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg.
00:48:52.300 --> 00:48:55.500
The reigning European champ
hopes to extend their empire here.
00:48:55.700 --> 00:48:57.700
Appeasement be damned.
00:48:57.900 --> 00:49:01.100
Here comes
the relatively unknown challengers,
00:49:01.400 --> 00:49:05.400
a regional qualifying team,
Average Joe's Gymnasium.
00:49:15.400 --> 00:49:17.500
My sweet Jesus.
00:49:18.600 --> 00:49:20.600
That's rad.
00:49:20.800 --> 00:49:23.500
Hey, asshole, you guys suck.
00:49:24.000 --> 00:49:26.500
Thank you. Nice to be in Vegas.
00:49:26.700 --> 00:49:29.200
Hi. We're all here and
00:49:29.400 --> 00:49:31.300
we are ready to play.
00:49:34.200 --> 00:49:36.600
- OK.
- OK.
00:49:38.600 --> 00:49:42.600
We get our first glimpse of the Average Joe's
squad, sporting unwieldy uniforms.
00:49:42.900 --> 00:49:45.600
I feel like I'm watching a Cher video.
00:49:45.800 --> 00:49:47.700
Average Joe's, ready.
00:49:47.900 --> 00:49:49.800
Blitzkrieg, ready.
00:49:49.900 --> 00:49:51.200
Dodgeball.
00:49:51.400 --> 00:49:56.000
And we're under way. Average Joe's
versus the heavily favoured German team.
00:49:56.300 --> 00:50:00.000
Of course, S&M gear first made
popular by the lyric poet, Sappho,
00:50:00.300 --> 00:50:03.200
- from the island of Lesbos.
- Clean hit. You're out.
00:50:03.400 --> 00:50:08.000
Leather and latex belong in the bedroom,
not on the dodgeball court.
00:50:08.300 --> 00:50:13.500
Where's that training?
Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge.
00:50:14.200 --> 00:50:18.500
Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated
and coach O'Houlihan is not happy.
00:50:26.100 --> 00:50:28.600
This Average Joe's team
doesn't look up to snuff.
00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:33.300
Midline infraction.
You went over the line, you're out.
00:50:33.500 --> 00:50:35.900
The Average Joe's catches a break there.
00:50:36.100 --> 00:50:39.500
The Germans still dominating
this Maginot Line-like defence.
00:50:39.800 --> 00:50:42.200
Good toss by the submissive out there.
00:50:42.400 --> 00:50:46.400
Just two players left for Joe...
Check that. Make it one.
00:50:46.700 --> 00:50:49.500
Looks like Average Joe's
might be heading home early.
00:50:50.100 --> 00:50:53.800
It's all up to the only player
without a Y-chromosome, Kate Veatch.
00:50:55.100 --> 00:50:57.100
What a throw.
00:50:57.300 --> 00:50:59.300
Hold your phone, she's got a cannon.
00:50:59.500 --> 00:51:01.100
Yes.
00:51:01.300 --> 00:51:05.400
- Come on, Kate.
- You're the only man out there. Give it to 'em.
00:51:05.600 --> 00:51:10.600
Germans have a two-one advantage.
Great catch. La Fleur's back in the game.
00:51:11.000 --> 00:51:15.400
How about that? A two-on-one switcheroo.
Now Joe's has the upper hand.
00:51:15.600 --> 00:51:17.500
- Great deflection.
- Take it to him.
00:51:17.700 --> 00:51:22.200
- He's ball-less now.
- He doesn't have any balls, Cotton.
00:51:22.500 --> 00:51:25.300
Winner. Average Joe's.
00:51:26.900 --> 00:51:29.300
My sweet dick, it's magic.
00:51:29.500 --> 00:51:30.700
Hey, all right.
00:51:30.900 --> 00:51:36.300
My. The Germans losing in the first round
and Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset.
00:51:36.600 --> 00:51:39.200
I feel shocked.
00:51:48.100 --> 00:51:50.000
Losers.
00:52:01.400 --> 00:52:04.200
You must be Daddy.
00:52:04.800 --> 00:52:08.900
Average Joe's has shocked the dodgeball
pundits and made it to tomorrow's round
00:52:09.100 --> 00:52:12.700
where we'll separate the wheat from the chaff,
the men from the boys,
00:52:13.000 --> 00:52:16.000
and the awkwardly feminine
from the possibly Canadian.
00:52:16.200 --> 00:52:19.300
Don't go anywhere, folks.
It's just getting exciting.
00:52:23.900 --> 00:52:27.300
- What the hell.
- That guy's a dickhead.
00:52:33.100 --> 00:52:35.600
You wanted to see me, Patches?
00:52:37.000 --> 00:52:40.600
You did good out there, real good.
You're a natural leader, La Fleur.
00:52:40.800 --> 00:52:43.700
Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.
00:52:44.000 --> 00:52:46.400
Kate's not a muff-diver.
00:52:48.300 --> 00:52:50.200
Hey. That's for you.
00:52:51.800 --> 00:52:54.900
- I can't accept this.
- You're a hell of a player, Peter.
00:52:55.100 --> 00:52:57.400
You earned it.
00:52:57.600 --> 00:53:02.300
I've got some hookers in my room.
What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.
00:53:02.600 --> 00:53:05.700
No, thanks, I'll just stick
with the scarf, but thank you.
00:53:06.000 --> 00:53:08.000
Suit yourself, queer.
00:53:18.300 --> 00:53:20.100
- Sorry.
- Justin?
00:53:20.200 --> 00:53:22.700
Amber.
Jeez Louise, what are you doing here?
00:53:22.900 --> 00:53:27.900
- The National Cheerleading Championships.
- Oh, yeah, the NCCs. That's so awesome.
00:53:28.300 --> 00:53:32.000
- We're in the finals tomorrow. And you?
- I'm in the dodgeball tournament.
00:53:32.200 --> 00:53:36.800
These are my team-mates,
Dwight, Ms Veatch and Gordon.
00:53:37.100 --> 00:53:39.200
This is Amber.
00:53:39.400 --> 00:53:41.500
Come on, I wanna ride the roller coaster.
00:53:41.700 --> 00:53:46.400
- Hey, Derek. Sweet 'do, man.
- Get bent, helmet. Let's go, Amber.
00:53:46.700 --> 00:53:52.100
- It was nice to see you. Good luck tomorrow.
- And also you. You look healthy... good.
00:53:53.200 --> 00:53:54.700
What?
00:53:54.800 --> 00:53:57.700
Don't worry about that guy, Justin.
He's a total jerk.
00:53:58.000 --> 00:54:01.300
He'll probably fall off the roller coaster
and break every bone.
00:54:01.500 --> 00:54:04.000
- Nice, Dwight.
- I'm just saying, it happens.
00:54:04.200 --> 00:54:06.700
My cousin Ray-Ray. Boop. Dead.
00:54:06.900 --> 00:54:08.000
Thanks, man.
00:54:12.700 --> 00:54:15.500
Let's huddle up here.
We've got some work to do.
00:54:15.700 --> 00:54:17.800
We got lucky in the first round.
00:54:18.000 --> 00:54:21.500
We caught those dirty Krauts napping,
but that won't happen again,
00:54:21.700 --> 00:54:25.700
so blow out the horse hockey
and remember what I taught you.
00:54:26.000 --> 00:54:32.200
Blockers in the centre, funnelling, aim low
and will someone catch a goddamned ball?
00:54:32.600 --> 00:54:37.100
It's like watching a bunch of retards
trying to fuck a doorknob out there.
00:54:37.400 --> 00:54:41.100
Get it together.
Let's play some dodgeball.
00:54:41.300 --> 00:54:43.200
Hands in.
00:54:43.400 --> 00:54:45.300
One, two, three, Joe's.
00:54:47.200 --> 00:54:49.300
- Average Joe's ready?
- Yes.
00:54:49.500 --> 00:54:51.600
Lumberjacks, ready?
00:54:51.800 --> 00:54:52.700
Dodgeball.
00:54:52.800 --> 00:54:56.300
Average Joe's has a tough job,
facing the Lumberjacks.
00:54:56.600 --> 00:55:00.000
These woodsmen probably haven't
even smelt a woman in eight months.
00:55:00.200 --> 00:55:02.900
They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
00:55:03.100 --> 00:55:05.700
- Clean hit. You're out.
- In the deer gut.
00:55:06.000 --> 00:55:08.800
- Average Joe's looking tough.
- Yes.
00:55:14.000 --> 00:55:16.500
There's a souvenir for a lucky fan.
00:55:18.900 --> 00:55:23.500
Timber. Peter La Fleur nails him.
That's all she wrote, folks.
00:55:23.800 --> 00:55:27.900
Average Joe's does some clear-cutting of
their own and moves onto the quarterfinal.
00:55:30.100 --> 00:55:32.800
Globo Gym hoping to drop an A-bomb
on the Kamikazes.
00:55:33.100 --> 00:55:36.600
I don't know how they can play
in diapers, Cotton. I never could.
00:55:36.800 --> 00:55:38.100
Peekaboo.
00:55:38.400 --> 00:55:41.300
White Goodman, employing
his patented peekaboo-style attack,
00:55:41.500 --> 00:55:44.800
tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa this is my dojo.
00:55:46.600 --> 00:55:49.700
Is he gonna feel it tomorrow?
Right in his beak.
00:55:49.900 --> 00:55:54.600
A relentless Globo Gym attack led by
their Lilliputian leader, White Goodman.
00:55:55.000 --> 00:55:57.900
It's gotta be the hair. It's beautiful.
00:55:58.100 --> 00:56:02.400
Feathered and lethal.
You just don't see it nowadays.
00:56:03.800 --> 00:56:09.500
Globo Gym says, "Domo arigato, Mr Roboto",
and breezes into the semifinals.
00:56:12.100 --> 00:56:15.600
Skillz That Killz, ready?
Average Joe's, ready? Dodgeball.
00:56:15.800 --> 00:56:19.100
Average Joe's planning
to playa hate Skillz That Killz,
00:56:19.300 --> 00:56:21.600
the inner-city champs for five years straight.
00:56:21.900 --> 00:56:26.400
Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's,
doing more dancing than dodgeballing.
00:56:26.600 --> 00:56:30.000
They better check themselves
before they wreck themselves.
00:56:30.300 --> 00:56:35.300
Right you are, partner.
Great catch. La Fleur wheels and fires.
00:56:36.300 --> 00:56:38.900
Winner. Average Joe's.
00:56:39.200 --> 00:56:43.900
And Average Joe's, not blinded by the
bling-bling, advances to the semifinal.
00:56:46.600 --> 00:56:51.000
Globo Gym's making mincemeat
of the Las Vegas Police Department.
00:56:51.300 --> 00:56:53.000
That's gotta hurt.
00:56:55.100 --> 00:56:56.900
B-b-b-bull's-eye.
00:56:57.100 --> 00:56:59.400
Winner. Globo Gym.
00:56:59.600 --> 00:57:04.400
Sportsmanship be darned.
Globo Gym hands the Las Vegas Police a 187,
00:57:04.700 --> 00:57:07.200
and they're going to the finals.
00:57:09.800 --> 00:57:13.900
The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars
are all over Average Joe's today.
00:57:14.200 --> 00:57:19.300
Itjust doesn't look good for 'em. The winner
of this match faces Globo Gym in the finals.
00:57:19.600 --> 00:57:21.600
Right in the testicles.
00:57:21.800 --> 00:57:24.200
Ouch-Town. Population: you, bro.
00:57:24.400 --> 00:57:27.500
Average Joe's down to their final two players.
00:57:28.900 --> 00:57:31.100
La Fleur can't hold on.
He's gotta sit down.
00:57:31.300 --> 00:57:34.100
- Time out. Gordy.
- Time out. Time out.
00:57:34.800 --> 00:57:36.200
Time. Time is out.
00:57:36.400 --> 00:57:40.200
It looks like the clock is about to
strike midnight on this Cinderella story,
00:57:40.500 --> 00:57:43.100
turning Average Joe's
into the proverbial pumpkin.
00:57:43.300 --> 00:57:45.700
I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
00:57:47.100 --> 00:57:50.500
You won't hit 'em. They're too good,
and you suck somethin' awful.
00:57:50.800 --> 00:57:54.300
- Yes, sir. I do.
- Our only shot is for you to get angry.
00:57:54.500 --> 00:57:58.100
- Roger that. OK.
- All right. Hands in.
00:57:58.400 --> 00:58:00.700
- One, two, three.
- Joe's.
00:58:01.600 --> 00:58:04.500
You gotta get angry. Get angry now.
00:58:04.800 --> 00:58:09.400
Gordon Pibb, alone, facing five Cougars.
It's all over but the crying.
00:58:09.700 --> 00:58:13.000
Sayonara, auf Wiedersehen and goodbye.
00:58:26.400 --> 00:58:29.700
- Dodgeball.
- Let the dodgeball slaughter begin.
00:58:30.000 --> 00:58:31.800
Good deflection there.
00:58:32.000 --> 00:58:34.100
Hang on. And another one.
00:58:34.300 --> 00:58:36.800
Three balls at once. Who knew?
00:58:37.400 --> 00:58:39.800
Four on one.
Pibb won't go down without a fight.
00:58:40.000 --> 00:58:42.300
That's it.
00:58:42.500 --> 00:58:45.500
- You're kidding me.
- He's callin' 'em out.
00:58:46.500 --> 00:58:48.500
Now it's two on one. Who'd have thunk it?
00:58:48.600 --> 00:58:53.300
- Go, you crazy son of a bitch. Go.
- He's on the warpath.
00:58:55.700 --> 00:58:58.200
Incredible. It's one on one.
00:58:58.400 --> 00:59:02.000
- I can't believe it.
- It's just not believable, Cotton.
00:59:10.400 --> 00:59:11.400
Winner.
00:59:11.800 --> 00:59:14.900
Average Joe's wins.
00:59:15.100 --> 00:59:19.900
They are going to the finals
to play Globo Gym for $50,000.
00:59:20.200 --> 00:59:23.900
- That'll buy one heck of a pumpkin.
- Right you are, Pep.
00:59:24.200 --> 00:59:26.600
I never would have dreamed it possible.
00:59:26.800 --> 00:59:31.200
But with seven-time ADAA All-Star
Patches O'Houlihan at the helm,
00:59:31.500 --> 00:59:34.200
I guess it must be the luck of the Irish.
00:59:38.400 --> 00:59:42.300
Tomorrow we're gonna pecker-slap
those Globo Gym bastards.
00:59:42.500 --> 00:59:43.300
Yeah.
00:59:43.500 --> 00:59:47.800
- You really think we can beat Globo Gym?
- As long as we got Patches, we got a shot.
00:59:55.000 --> 00:59:56.200
My God.
00:59:57.100 --> 01:00:00.900
Well, it's probably the way
he would have wanted to go.
01:00:01.200 --> 01:00:04.500
- What?
- What are we gonna do without Patches?
01:00:04.800 --> 01:00:06.900
We're gonna get our taints handed to us.
01:00:07.000 --> 01:00:09.900
- What's a taint?
- I dunno. Sounds bad.
01:00:11.300 --> 01:00:14.400
Maybe you should
go say something to the guys.
01:00:14.700 --> 01:00:15.800
Yeah.
01:00:15.900 --> 01:00:22.300
They don't make a "sorry your coach just got
crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card.
01:00:24.100 --> 01:00:26.500
I'll be right back.
01:00:37.400 --> 01:00:38.800
What?
01:00:39.000 --> 01:00:44.000
We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico
City. I've been boning up on my Spanish.
01:00:46.400 --> 01:00:49.700
Me'Shell was having some digestive
problems. I hope you don't mind.
01:00:49.900 --> 01:00:52.100
Will you shut that?
01:00:52.300 --> 01:00:54.900
For all of us, baby.
01:00:57.600 --> 01:01:03.200
So that's the deal. I give you $100,000,
you sign over the deed to your gym.
01:01:03.600 --> 01:01:05.300
Period.
01:01:05.400 --> 01:01:07.400
End o'story.
01:01:07.600 --> 01:01:12.700
You really think you can come here and buy
me out, you're a lot dumber than I thought.
01:01:13.000 --> 01:01:18.400
Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you
thought I'd think that I thought I was once.
01:01:18.800 --> 01:01:21.900
Look, Peter, I know what it's like.
01:01:22.100 --> 01:01:26.500
Really. For all our blustery back-and-forth,
we're really pretty much the same guy.
01:01:26.800 --> 01:01:30.300
We're both leaders. And I like
what you've done with the gym over there.
01:01:30.600 --> 01:01:35.300
I love the whole "I'm not OK, you're not OK,
but that's OK" thing you got going.
01:01:35.600 --> 01:01:38.800
"You can be fat as long as
you're happy inside." It works.
01:01:39.000 --> 01:01:42.300
And they love you. Whoo, do they love you.
01:01:42.500 --> 01:01:44.400
You're their Fonzie, Pete.
01:01:44.600 --> 01:01:46.800
"Hey." Right?
01:01:49.000 --> 01:01:54.300
But do you really think it's fair for them
to put all that pressure on you? All the time?
01:01:55.600 --> 01:01:58.800
Looking to you to solve their every problem?
01:01:59.000 --> 01:02:00.500
I mean, come on.
01:02:00.700 --> 01:02:04.700
I know you. You know you.
01:02:05.000 --> 01:02:07.900
And I know you know that I know you.
01:02:08.100 --> 01:02:10.500
You're heading for a fall, Pete.
01:02:10.700 --> 01:02:14.000
Sooner or later, Average Joe's is gonna close.
01:02:14.200 --> 01:02:18.200
And when it does, they're gonna blame you.
01:02:20.000 --> 01:02:23.800
I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000,
except maybe in the movies.
01:02:24.000 --> 01:02:27.800
But I assure you,
something gets lost in the translation.
01:02:31.000 --> 01:02:34.900
Money. $100,000. Dodgeball game.
01:02:37.000 --> 01:02:38.700
Take the money.
01:02:39.500 --> 01:02:44.200
Invest it in something.
Give it to charity, I don't care.
01:02:51.300 --> 01:02:53.300
Just sign the contract.
01:02:58.900 --> 01:03:01.700
Come on, guys. We got Peter.
01:03:01.900 --> 01:03:05.900
And they got guys named Laser and Blazer
and Taser, and all kinds of asers.
01:03:06.200 --> 01:03:09.600
Gar. Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster.
01:03:10.900 --> 01:03:12.900
Here. Justin, your virgin daiquiri.
01:03:13.000 --> 01:03:15.500
- Thanks, Ms Veatch.
- Nothing for me.
01:03:15.800 --> 01:03:19.900
- Dwight says we'll get killed out there, Peter.
- Let's not talk about tomorrow.
01:03:20.100 --> 01:03:23.400
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know. It's a little complicated.
01:03:23.700 --> 01:03:26.700
- But what do you think we should do?
- Yeah. Come on, tell us.
01:03:26.900 --> 01:03:28.100
What's the plan?
01:03:28.300 --> 01:03:31.400
What do you guys want from me?
I don't have a plan for you.
01:03:31.600 --> 01:03:35.600
We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow
and we're probably gonna lose.
01:03:35.900 --> 01:03:41.300
It's the truth. The sooner you guys get that
through your head, the easier this will all be.
01:03:43.000 --> 01:03:45.500
Jesus Christ.
01:03:46.000 --> 01:03:48.100
He didn't mean that.
01:03:48.300 --> 01:03:52.400
- Is he being serious?
- He's probably just stressed out.
01:03:52.700 --> 01:03:55.400
I've never seen him like that.
01:03:57.600 --> 01:04:01.300
Gar, matey, where are you headed? Peter...
01:04:01.500 --> 01:04:03.900
You are not a pirate.
01:04:11.700 --> 01:04:16.200
OK, guys. Let's get out of here
and get some rest for tomorrow, right?
01:04:24.000 --> 01:04:25.800
Dwight...
01:04:26.000 --> 01:04:30.800
I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.
I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink...
01:04:31.100 --> 01:04:32.800
in the bathroom.
01:04:33.000 --> 01:04:35.500
Whatever you do, wash your hands.
01:04:46.000 --> 01:04:48.600
Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if...
01:04:48.800 --> 01:04:51.300
You are the one who stares at me.
01:04:51.500 --> 01:04:53.700
Why is this?
01:04:53.900 --> 01:04:58.300
Because I think you're
the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
01:05:04.900 --> 01:05:07.200
Watch it, freak.
01:05:20.000 --> 01:05:22.300
Go back to Treasure Island.
01:05:22.500 --> 01:05:24.800
Fag.
01:05:25.000 --> 01:05:27.000
Screw you.
01:05:39.400 --> 01:05:43.100
Katie, bar the door.
It's time for the championship match
01:05:43.400 --> 01:05:45.700
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
01:05:45.900 --> 01:05:49.800
We've seen it all here, folks.
Grit, determination, incontinence.
01:05:50.100 --> 01:05:52.600
And it's all come down to this -
a Cinderella story.
01:05:52.800 --> 01:05:57.300
Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes to
drive their vorpal blade snicker-snack
01:05:57.600 --> 01:06:01.500
into the heart of the dodgeball Jabberwocky
that is the Globo Gym Purple Cobras,
01:06:01.700 --> 01:06:05.400
and walk away with $50,000
in stone-cold cash.
01:06:05.700 --> 01:06:09.600
Hello, everybody, and welcome
to what you've all been waiting for.
01:06:09.900 --> 01:06:13.600
A David-and-Goliath story
truer than the Bible itself.
01:06:13.800 --> 01:06:17.700
The championship dodgeball match
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
01:06:20.600 --> 01:06:22.200
Peter?
01:06:24.700 --> 01:06:26.200
Peter?
01:06:26.300 --> 01:06:28.800
Hello?
01:06:29.100 --> 01:06:30.400
Peter?
01:06:30.500 --> 01:06:33.200
Come on, everybody headed down...
01:06:42.800 --> 01:06:44.600
So what happens on a double fault?
01:06:44.800 --> 01:06:50.000
On a double fault you go to sudden-death
elimination. It's Continuation Rule 113-D.
01:06:50.300 --> 01:06:52.900
- Whatever.
- Hey, guys, wait up.
01:06:57.000 --> 01:06:58.400
Justin.
01:06:58.600 --> 01:07:02.600
- I've been looking for you everywhere.
- Really? I mean, why? What's up?
01:07:02.800 --> 01:07:06.700
Derek fell off the roller coaster
and broke every bone in his body.
01:07:07.000 --> 01:07:08.400
My God, that's awful.
01:07:08.600 --> 01:07:12.000
We were the centre Kewpie. With no
centre Kewpie we can't do our routine.
01:07:12.200 --> 01:07:15.100
- No. I'm sorry.
- You gotta do it.
01:07:15.300 --> 01:07:16.900
What?
01:07:17.100 --> 01:07:19.100
No, no, no, no, no. I can't.
01:07:19.300 --> 01:07:23.000
Please. You are the only one in Las Vegas
who knows our routine.
01:07:23.300 --> 01:07:28.600
- The dodgeball championship's at noon.
- You'll be back in time. I promise.
01:07:31.900 --> 01:07:33.500
- All right, I'll do it.
- Yes.
01:07:33.700 --> 01:07:35.700
- I gotta tell the guys.
- No. No time.
01:07:35.900 --> 01:07:37.500
- I gotta tell the guys.
- No time.
01:07:39.400 --> 01:07:44.200
Average Joe's are a 50-1 underdog here today.
No one is giving them much of a chance.
01:07:44.500 --> 01:07:46.200
What do you think, Pep?
01:07:46.400 --> 01:07:48.500
I spoke to White Goodman before the match
01:07:48.700 --> 01:07:53.600
and he told me that his team
really wants to win this one.
01:07:53.900 --> 01:07:57.100
Right. And the stage is set for
Darwin's cruellest play to unfold.
01:07:57.400 --> 01:08:01.000
So don't go anywhere, folks.
The Schadenfreude is about to begin.
01:08:01.200 --> 01:08:05.400
- I don't understand. Why would Peter leave?
- He knows we're gonna get killed.
01:08:05.700 --> 01:08:10.700
Hey. That's not true. I don't know why Peter
left, but we can do this without him.
01:08:11.000 --> 01:08:14.100
We just have to figure it out.
Owen, you'll have to play.
01:08:14.400 --> 01:08:17.700
- OK, yeah.
- Great. But we'll still be two players short.
01:08:17.900 --> 01:08:21.800
We're still missing the teenage love-puppy
and Steve the Pirate.
01:08:22.100 --> 01:08:24.400
Who's Steve the Pirate?
01:08:24.600 --> 01:08:28.300
The only guy on our team
who dresses like a pirate.
01:08:28.500 --> 01:08:32.500
Wait. There's a guy on our team
dressed like a pirate?
01:08:34.400 --> 01:08:41.800
And now, let's hear it for the West Davenport
High School Charging Donkeys.
01:08:42.200 --> 01:08:44.200
Donkeys.
01:09:08.900 --> 01:09:10.400
Go, Donkeys.
01:09:13.400 --> 01:09:16.300
- We did it.
- Holy cow. My God.
01:09:16.500 --> 01:09:19.700
- It was perfect. You were perfect.
- God, I gotta go.
01:09:19.900 --> 01:09:22.100
Wait. Aren't you gonna stay for the trophy?
01:09:22.300 --> 01:09:24.900
I'm sorry, Amber. I got my own trophy to win.
01:09:41.800 --> 01:09:44.200
Now I'm going.
01:09:49.300 --> 01:09:53.800
Here come the Purple Cobras,
led by White Goodman. All business.
01:09:54.100 --> 01:09:57.500
We haven't seen Average Joe's yet.
They haven't made it to the court.
01:09:57.800 --> 01:10:01.200
It could be a psychological ploy,
or something worse.
01:10:01.400 --> 01:10:05.600
They're definitely not on the court, Cotton.
Their absence is noticeable.
01:10:05.900 --> 01:10:10.500
We'll be right back
after these words from our sponsors...
01:10:12.400 --> 01:10:14.700
Can I get a bottle of water?
01:10:17.300 --> 01:10:19.500
Aren't you Peter La Fleur?
01:10:20.600 --> 01:10:24.200
- Lance Armstrong?
- Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
01:10:24.500 --> 01:10:28.200
- Really?
- Yeah, I've been watching the dodgeball.
01:10:28.400 --> 01:10:33.200
I just can't get enough of it. I'm really pullin'
for you against those jerks from Globo Gym.
01:10:34.100 --> 01:10:37.400
I think you better hurry up
or you're gonna be late.
01:10:37.600 --> 01:10:41.900
- Actually, I decided to quit, Lance.
- Quit?
01:10:42.900 --> 01:10:48.700
Once I thought of quittin', when I had brain,
lung and testicular cancer at the same time.
01:10:49.700 --> 01:10:52.400
But with the support of my friends
I got back on the bike
01:10:52.600 --> 01:10:55.200
and I won the Tour de France
five times in a row.
01:10:55.400 --> 01:10:59.200
But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit.
01:10:59.500 --> 01:11:02.900
What are you dying from
that's keepin' you from the finals?
01:11:03.100 --> 01:11:07.100
Right now, it feels a little bit like shame.
01:11:07.400 --> 01:11:13.000
If people never quit when the going got tough
they'd have nothing to regret all their lives.
01:11:13.400 --> 01:11:18.200
Good luck to you, Peter. I'm sure
this decision won't haunt you forever.
01:11:24.800 --> 01:11:28.700
Steve? Steve the Pirate? "Scurvy."
01:11:29.000 --> 01:11:33.000
- No. Not ringing any bells.
- Forget it, man.
01:11:33.300 --> 01:11:37.400
We'll play with four people. It's not
an advantage. Can't you bend the rules?
01:11:37.700 --> 01:11:41.900
There's nothing I can do. Rules are rules.
You don't have enough players.
01:11:42.100 --> 01:11:46.000
Inform the committee and Mr Goodman
about Average Joe's forfeit.
01:11:46.300 --> 01:11:49.400
- Yes, sir.
- Better luck next year.
01:11:51.200 --> 01:11:52.700
Excuse me.
01:11:52.900 --> 01:11:56.200
Sorry I'm late. You won't believe
whatjust happened. Hey, guys.
01:11:56.400 --> 01:11:59.100
You're just in time to help us forfeit.
01:11:59.300 --> 01:12:01.300
Forfeit? Why?
01:12:03.300 --> 01:12:06.400
Well, I don't know what to tell you, but...
01:12:06.600 --> 01:12:10.400
Yes, I'm being told that Average Joe's
does not have enough players
01:12:10.700 --> 01:12:13.500
and will be forfeiting
the championship match.
01:12:13.700 --> 01:12:16.700
It's a bold strategy, Cotton.
Let's see if it pays off for 'em.
01:12:17.000 --> 01:12:22.400
To the tournament floor we go, for the sceptre
presentation from the Dodgeball Chancellor.
01:12:22.700 --> 01:12:26.400
Ladies and gentlemen,
by the power vested in me
01:12:26.700 --> 01:12:31.700
by our governing body, the American
Dodgeball Association of America,
01:12:32.000 --> 01:12:36.500
and in concurrence with our sponsors,
Lumber Liquidators and Omaha Steaks,
01:12:36.800 --> 01:12:38.800
it gives me great pleasure
01:12:39.000 --> 01:12:43.700
to declare the winner of this year's
Las Vegas International Tournament to be...
01:12:44.000 --> 01:12:46.200
Wait. He's here.
01:12:50.700 --> 01:12:53.300
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
01:12:53.600 --> 01:12:55.700
We're ready to play, Your Honour.
01:12:55.800 --> 01:13:00.500
Too late. Your lovable band of losers already
forfeited. The trophy and money are mine.
01:13:00.900 --> 01:13:04.200
He's right. The team already forfeited.
There's nothing you can do.
01:13:04.400 --> 01:13:07.000
Facial, La Fleur. Total facial.
01:13:08.300 --> 01:13:10.100
Actually, that's not true.
01:13:10.200 --> 01:13:14.300
The committee can overrule the chancellor -
that's you, sir - by a two-thirds vote.
01:13:14.600 --> 01:13:16.800
He's right. He's right. It's a bylaw.
01:13:19.100 --> 01:13:21.600
- It's a bylaw.
- What's a bylaw?
01:13:22.700 --> 01:13:26.100
- Hang on a second here, folks.
- Let them play.
01:13:26.400 --> 01:13:30.200
We mightjust have a championship game yet.
01:13:30.500 --> 01:13:33.400
Listen to this crowd.
01:13:33.600 --> 01:13:35.700
Unbelievable.
01:13:35.900 --> 01:13:41.000
Pepper, it's clear what the crowd wants, but
the committee members have the final say.
01:13:41.300 --> 01:13:44.400
And it looks like they've come to a decision.
01:13:44.600 --> 01:13:47.300
Joe's needs two "yes" votes to play.
01:13:47.600 --> 01:13:50.800
- There's a thumbs-up. Good news for Joe's.
- Please.
01:13:51.000 --> 01:13:54.100
- Let's see how our second judge votes.
- Thank you.
01:13:54.300 --> 01:14:01.100
Oh, tough sledding there. It's all even. Their
fate hangs on the thumb of our final judge.
01:14:01.500 --> 01:14:04.900
Thumbs up. Average Joe's can play.
01:14:05.200 --> 01:14:08.300
That is pure poppycock.
You're gonna let them do that?
01:14:08.500 --> 01:14:11.900
- Thank you, Chuck Norris.
- Thank you, Peter.
01:14:13.800 --> 01:14:17.300
All right, captains. Shake hands,
and let's have a clean match.
01:14:17.600 --> 01:14:19.600
Good luck, White.
01:14:21.100 --> 01:14:24.200
Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur.
01:14:24.500 --> 01:14:27.800
Prepare to be humiliated on cable television.
01:14:28.000 --> 01:14:30.000
Whatever.
01:14:32.100 --> 01:14:35.100
- Nice of you to show up.
- Yeah, I thought so too.
01:14:35.300 --> 01:14:38.100
What? I got a plan.
01:14:40.200 --> 01:14:46.000
Let's play smart. Wait for two-on-ones. Cover
closely for your pick-ups. What's our motto?
01:14:46.400 --> 01:14:48.500
- "Aim low".
- That's right.
01:14:48.700 --> 01:14:51.500
All I'm asking is that
you give it your best for Patches.
01:14:51.700 --> 01:14:55.800
I say we go out there, let it all hang loose,
try to have some fun.
01:14:56.100 --> 01:14:58.700
I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?
01:14:58.900 --> 01:15:02.700
- Put 'em in. One, two, three.
- Joe's.
01:15:26.500 --> 01:15:28.700
Globo Gym, ready?
01:15:28.900 --> 01:15:31.700
Average Joe's, ready?
01:15:34.100 --> 01:15:35.000
Dodgeball.
01:15:35.200 --> 01:15:40.500
Championship match is under way.
Average Joe's versus the Globo Gym Goliath.
01:15:41.900 --> 01:15:44.500
Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch.
01:15:46.000 --> 01:15:49.100
White Goodman's hit,
but that ball's up for grabs. And...
01:15:49.300 --> 01:15:51.200
- It's caught.
- That's a catch.
01:15:51.400 --> 01:15:54.800
- You're out, La Fleur.
- Peter La Fleur has gotta sit down.
01:15:55.100 --> 01:15:58.200
And Joe's has lost
their two best players early.
01:15:58.700 --> 01:16:00.800
Dwight Baumgarten still playing hard.
01:16:01.000 --> 01:16:03.500
Hits Me'Shell Jones right on the dome.
01:16:03.700 --> 01:16:05.600
You're mine next time.
01:16:09.000 --> 01:16:13.800
Right in the tokus.
2-1, ese, and Globo Gym is dominating.
01:16:18.100 --> 01:16:20.400
- Hi.
- Hey.
01:16:22.500 --> 01:16:25.100
- You're out.
- I don't know what that was,
01:16:25.300 --> 01:16:29.900
but it leaves Joe's on the wrong side
of a 4-2 advantage.
01:16:30.200 --> 01:16:33.100
Joe's gets an elimination. It's two on three.
01:16:33.300 --> 01:16:34.800
Get out.
01:16:35.000 --> 01:16:37.300
Gordo. Lose your temper. Get mad.
01:16:39.400 --> 01:16:43.400
White Goodman with a catch. Gordon Pibb
goes out, Me'Shell Jones comes back in.
01:16:43.700 --> 01:16:45.400
You're out, four-eyes.
01:16:45.500 --> 01:16:49.700
Well, it's all up to Average Joe's youngest
member. He's gotta make a play here, Pepper.
01:16:50.000 --> 01:16:51.700
Word, Cotton.
01:16:51.900 --> 01:16:57.000
Four Cobras and one Joe. Even a rabid
mongoose wouldn't have a chance now.
01:16:57.300 --> 01:16:59.900
- Nice dodge.
- Stay alive. Stay alive.
01:17:02.100 --> 01:17:04.400
They're just toying with the young man now.
01:17:04.600 --> 01:17:07.500
He's gotta avoid getting hit. That's the key.
01:17:07.700 --> 01:17:09.400
Justin, let's go.
01:17:10.800 --> 01:17:12.200
What a great catch.
01:17:12.300 --> 01:17:15.600
And another.
Peter La Fleur comes back into the game.
01:17:15.900 --> 01:17:19.700
Just like that, a three-player swing.
Joe's isn't done yet.
01:17:19.900 --> 01:17:21.500
Justin.
01:17:21.700 --> 01:17:24.100
I love you.
01:17:24.300 --> 01:17:26.100
I love you t...
01:17:26.900 --> 01:17:28.900
Joanie loves Chachi.
01:17:29.100 --> 01:17:32.700
Two players left on each side.
What a match. What a sport.
01:17:33.500 --> 01:17:38.900
Throw out the rule book, folks,
it's down and dirty now. Street dodgeball.
01:17:40.900 --> 01:17:44.600
Look out. La Fleur goes down -
he's a sitting duck.
01:17:49.900 --> 01:17:55.800
How about that, folks? Kate Veatch takes the
bullet for Peter La Fleur. Now that's sacrifice.
01:17:56.100 --> 01:18:00.800
As touching a moment as we've seen
on the dodgeball court all tournament.
01:18:01.800 --> 01:18:04.300
A blatant cheap shot from White Goodman.
01:18:04.600 --> 01:18:09.100
- That's court misconduct. That's a warning.
- Come on. Gimme a break.
01:18:10.400 --> 01:18:11.900
- You OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
01:18:12.100 --> 01:18:14.500
- Jesus. Are you sure?
- Yeah. I'm all right.
01:18:14.700 --> 01:18:17.700
- It was an accident. I thought she was in play.
- Not a chance.
01:18:17.900 --> 01:18:20.800
We're sweating like greased monkeys.
I can't hold on to a ball.
01:18:21.000 --> 01:18:24.100
Sorry, miss, but you're out.
You gotta get off the court.
01:18:24.400 --> 01:18:26.100
Watch him, man.
01:18:26.200 --> 01:18:28.400
- Hey, Peter.
- Yeah?
01:18:28.600 --> 01:18:30.300
Kick his ass.
01:18:31.000 --> 01:18:34.000
- Here's the restart.
- Players, to your positions.
01:18:34.300 --> 01:18:38.600
Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one,
a ménage à trois of pain.
01:18:38.900 --> 01:18:42.500
Usually you pay double
for that kind of action, Cotton.
01:18:44.600 --> 01:18:48.200
You're playing ready dodgeball.
Balls are at your feet.
01:18:48.400 --> 01:18:50.600
Ready? Dodgeball.
01:18:50.800 --> 01:18:55.700
It's a cat-and-mouse game, folks.
Peter La Fleur has gotta wait for his shot.
01:18:59.400 --> 01:19:01.800
He gets the elimination.
01:19:03.100 --> 01:19:08.600
My. Globo Gym wins.
A Cinderella story cast asunder.
01:19:09.000 --> 01:19:13.000
Average Joe's has come all this way
for nothing. Absolutely nothing.
01:19:13.300 --> 01:19:15.900
They're not gonna get anything, Cotton.
01:19:17.100 --> 01:19:21.100
No elimination. Double fault.
You stepped over the line on the throw.
01:19:21.400 --> 01:19:25.200
What? You gotta be out of your mind.
That is the worst call I've ever seen.
01:19:25.500 --> 01:19:29.700
I'm out here busting my butt and you come in
with a bush-league call like that? Bullcrap.
01:19:29.900 --> 01:19:34.700
ADAA Continuation Rule 113-D, sir.
Sudden death.
01:19:35.100 --> 01:19:36.500
All right. Bring it.
01:19:36.600 --> 01:19:39.900
I don't believe it, folks. Sudden death.
01:19:40.200 --> 01:19:41.900
Well, let me tell you,
01:19:42.000 --> 01:19:47.500
a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't
occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919,
01:19:47.900 --> 01:19:50.600
and I think we all remember
how that turned out.
01:19:50.800 --> 01:19:57.100
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the greatest
happening in sport. Sudden-death dodgeball.
01:19:57.500 --> 01:19:59.800
Pepper needs new shorts.
01:20:02.000 --> 01:20:05.100
White, Peter, this is sudden death.
01:20:05.600 --> 01:20:11.000
Only striking an opposing player eliminates
them. Catching the ball does nothing.
01:20:11.300 --> 01:20:15.100
Both feet must remain
in the triangle at all times.
01:20:15.400 --> 01:20:19.900
You may throw any time after my call.
Understood?
01:20:21.000 --> 01:20:24.700
OK. Let's have a clean match.
Good luck, gentlemen.
01:20:25.400 --> 01:20:28.100
This is it, La Loser.
01:20:29.800 --> 01:20:33.300
You ready for the hurricane?
01:20:34.600 --> 01:20:38.100
Just don't go cryin' to mama when
I spank you in front of all these people.
01:20:39.500 --> 01:20:44.300
You don't go crying to your daddy
after I wipe it up with your face.
01:20:46.200 --> 01:20:49.000
- White?
- Yeah?
01:20:49.200 --> 01:20:53.600
- You look awful fat in those pants.
- Players, to your positions.
01:20:53.900 --> 01:20:57.500
This is about gamesmanship.
Throw early and you're defenceless.
01:20:57.700 --> 01:21:03.500
Throw late and you're eliminated.
Dilemma, thy name is dodgeball.
01:21:03.900 --> 01:21:06.900
This sport doesn't build character,
it reveals it.
01:21:07.100 --> 01:21:10.000
Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A.
01:21:12.000 --> 01:21:14.000
Come on, talk to me.
01:21:15.700 --> 01:21:17.900
Listen up, crotch stain.
01:21:18.100 --> 01:21:22.300
Remember your training
and trust your instincts.
01:21:22.500 --> 01:21:25.100
You can do it. I believe in you.
01:21:28.200 --> 01:21:29.900
Bye-bye.
01:21:30.000 --> 01:21:31.000
Right.
01:21:31.200 --> 01:21:34.000
Players, turn and step in.
01:21:49.900 --> 01:21:52.400
What the hell's he doing?
01:21:52.600 --> 01:21:55.100
I don't know.
01:21:57.400 --> 01:21:58.500
Get a load of this guy.
01:21:58.600 --> 01:22:02.300
In 23 years of broadcasting
I thought I'd seen it all, folks.
01:22:02.600 --> 01:22:06.300
But it looks like Peter La Fleur
has actually blindfolded himself.
01:22:06.500 --> 01:22:09.200
He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
01:22:18.800 --> 01:22:21.300
Ready?
01:22:26.200 --> 01:22:28.600
Dodgeball.
01:22:34.700 --> 01:22:36.900
Goodbye, Peter.
01:22:37.100 --> 01:22:39.800
I always knew you were weak.
01:22:43.400 --> 01:22:46.100
Air Goodman, comin' at ya.
01:22:54.100 --> 01:22:57.100
Down goes Goodman.
Down goes Goodman.
01:22:57.300 --> 01:23:00.500
Winner. Average Joe's.
01:23:04.100 --> 01:23:07.600
Do you believe in unlikelihoods?
01:23:07.800 --> 01:23:10.900
Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world
01:23:11.200 --> 01:23:15.300
and upsetting Globo Gym
in the championship match.
01:23:15.600 --> 01:23:16.900
Unbelievable.
01:23:17.000 --> 01:23:21.200
I have been to the Great Wall of China.
I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt.
01:23:21.500 --> 01:23:24.000
I've even witnessed a grown man
satisfy a camel.
01:23:24.200 --> 01:23:26.400
But never in all my years as a sportscaster
01:23:26.600 --> 01:23:31.600
have I witnessed something as improbable,
as impossible, as what we've witnessed here.
01:23:31.900 --> 01:23:36.500
The little team that could, Average Joe's
Gymnasium, underdogs throughout,
01:23:36.800 --> 01:23:41.400
stand before us, aglow,
as true dodgeball champions.
01:23:41.700 --> 01:23:46.200
On behalf of the American Dodgeball
Association of America,
01:23:46.500 --> 01:23:50.800
it is my honour to present to you
this cheque for $50,000.
01:23:57.300 --> 01:24:00.200
What are you so happy about, La Fleur?
None of this matters.
01:24:00.400 --> 01:24:04.700
You signed your gym over to me last night,
remember? You lost, I won.
01:24:05.000 --> 01:24:07.100
Suck failure, freaks.
01:24:07.300 --> 01:24:10.400
Peter, is that true?
01:24:10.600 --> 01:24:12.500
Yeah, it's true.
01:24:12.700 --> 01:24:15.900
It's true I sold Average Joe's to White.
01:24:16.100 --> 01:24:18.400
It's true that every man has his price.
01:24:18.600 --> 01:24:23.400
And it's also true that money won
is a lot sweeter than money earned.
01:24:23.700 --> 01:24:27.900
- Now he's a philosophiser.
- Excuse us. Step aside, please.
01:24:29.300 --> 01:24:31.600
Your winnings, Mr La Fleur.
Congratulations.
01:24:31.800 --> 01:24:35.600
- Right on time. I appreciate it. Thank you.
- What is that? What winnings?
01:24:35.800 --> 01:24:40.300
Gosh, I totally forgot to tell you. I took the
$100,000 bribe that you gave me last night,
01:24:40.600 --> 01:24:43.500
and I put it on us to win.
We were going off at 50-1.
01:24:43.800 --> 01:24:47.100
Anyone? Top of your head?
What's 50 times $100,000?
01:24:47.300 --> 01:24:48.600
$50,000?
01:24:48.800 --> 01:24:52.700
$5 million. Peter, are you kidding me?
01:24:52.900 --> 01:24:55.000
Surprise.
01:24:58.500 --> 01:25:03.400
Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell
you your gym back for all King Midas's silver.
01:25:03.700 --> 01:25:08.300
The gym is mine. So you can take your band
of yellow-bellied losers and crawl out of here.
01:25:08.600 --> 01:25:11.500
You're right. I can't make you
sell Average Joe's to me.
01:25:11.700 --> 01:25:15.300
So I guess I'll just take your advice
and invest in something.
01:25:15.600 --> 01:25:19.700
- Say the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
- That's preposterous. I'd never allow it.
01:25:19.900 --> 01:25:23.500
Globo Gym is a publicly traded company.
There's nothing you can do about it.
01:25:23.800 --> 01:25:29.000
So I would control Globo Gym
and everything that Globo Gym owns,
01:25:29.300 --> 01:25:33.300
which, as of last night, is Average Joe's Gym.
01:25:34.800 --> 01:25:36.200
I'm your new boss, White.
01:25:36.400 --> 01:25:39.700
You can't be my boss. Nobody can.
I'm my own boss. I created myself.
01:25:40.000 --> 01:25:43.000
- You're fired, pal.
- You can't do anything to me.
01:25:43.700 --> 01:25:46.600
You're going down, La Fleur,
like a sweet muffin.
01:25:46.800 --> 01:25:50.300
- Another time, another time.
- You suck, La Fleur.
01:25:52.400 --> 01:25:54.400
Give me that.
01:25:57.400 --> 01:25:59.800
Man, the blindfold was crazy.
01:26:01.400 --> 01:26:03.900
Peter.
01:26:04.100 --> 01:26:06.500
Look. It's Steve the Pirate.
01:26:10.300 --> 01:26:15.300
I just wanted to tell you
that I thought about what you said, and
01:26:16.600 --> 01:26:18.900
I guess you're right.
01:26:19.100 --> 01:26:21.300
I'm not really a pirate.
01:26:22.700 --> 01:26:25.200
I don't know, Steve.
01:26:25.400 --> 01:26:27.500
If you're not a pirate,
01:26:27.700 --> 01:26:31.400
who the hell am I gonna split
all that buried treasure with?
01:26:36.700 --> 01:26:38.500
Peter...
01:26:38.700 --> 01:26:40.500
Gar, Steve.
01:26:46.100 --> 01:26:47.700
We missed you.
01:26:50.700 --> 01:26:52.300
Hey, you.
01:26:52.500 --> 01:26:54.500
Hey, you.
01:26:56.300 --> 01:26:58.300
- Joyce?
- Kate.
01:26:58.800 --> 01:27:03.100
- I thought you were in Guam.
- I caught an early flight. I wouldn't miss this.
01:27:03.400 --> 01:27:05.600
You are amazing.
01:27:09.300 --> 01:27:13.700
- I told you she was a lesbian.
- Wow. Good call.
01:27:14.400 --> 01:27:17.400
Hey. I'm not a lesbian.
01:27:17.600 --> 01:27:19.100
You're not?
01:27:19.300 --> 01:27:20.800
No.
01:27:21.000 --> 01:27:23.300
I'm bisexual.
01:27:25.000 --> 01:27:26.800
Snap.
01:27:27.600 --> 01:27:31.000
All right, everybody. Smile big.
01:27:36.000 --> 01:27:39.700
Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur,
owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym.
01:27:40.000 --> 01:27:43.500
I'm here to tell you
you're perfectjust the way you are.
01:27:43.700 --> 01:27:49.200
But if you feel like losin' a few pounds, gettin'
healthier, and makin' friends in the process,
01:27:49.500 --> 01:27:51.200
Joe's is the place for you.
01:27:51.400 --> 01:27:54.700
Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes
are forming right now.
01:27:55.000 --> 01:27:59.700
So come on down and learn a great game the
way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?
01:28:00.000 --> 01:28:01.900
Right.
01:28:11.500 --> 01:28:13.500
Spare me.
01:28:13.700 --> 01:28:16.100
I won that tournament.
01:28:18.900 --> 01:28:21.600
Fucking Chuck Norris.
01:28:23.900 --> 01:28:25.900
Visiontext Subtitles:
Julie Clayton & Rob Colling
01:28:26.100 --> 01:28:28.100
ENGLISH
01:31:27.200 --> 01:31:30.300
Yeah. I hope you're all happy now.
01:31:30.600 --> 01:31:33.000
Good guy wins, bad guy loses.
01:31:33.200 --> 01:31:35.600
Big friggin' surprise.
01:31:36.800 --> 01:31:38.700
I love happy endings.
01:31:41.800 --> 01:31:46.000
You know, that's the problem
with the American cinema.
01:31:46.300 --> 01:31:48.700
Can't handle any complexity in it, you know?
01:31:48.900 --> 01:31:52.900
"Don't make me think,
I just wanna be entertained."
01:31:53.200 --> 01:31:55.000
All right, fine.
01:31:55.200 --> 01:31:58.700
You want a little somethin'-somethin'
for the ride home?
01:31:58.900 --> 01:32:01.300
Check these boots out for size.
01:32:03.300 --> 01:32:05.400
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
01:32:05.600 --> 01:32:07.600
And they're like, "It's better than yours"
01:32:07.800 --> 01:32:09.700
Damn right, it's better than yours
01:32:09.900 --> 01:32:12.400
I could teach you, but I'd have to charge
01:32:13.500 --> 01:32:17.500
What the boys go crazy for
01:32:19.100 --> 01:32:20.200
They lose their minds
01:32:20.300 --> 01:32:22.600
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
01:32:22.800 --> 01:32:24.500
Damn right, it's better than yours
01:32:24.700 --> 01:32:28.100
I could teach you, but I'd have to charge
01:32:30.000 --> 01:32:32.900
You happy? Fatty make a funny?
01:32:32.924 --> 01:32:52.924
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