WEBVTT
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..:: Presented By ZarFilm Website ::..
.:: www.bolboljan.net ::.
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Keep it going
for the next performer,
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my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.
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Hello.
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Um, I'll tell you
about myself.
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I grew up in Pakistan.
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And people
are always asking me,
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"What was that like?"
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Really not that different
from here.
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I mean, we played cricket,
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which is just a spicier version
of baseball.
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And we prayed a lot.
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Well, not a lot.
Just five times a day.
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And we marry someone
our parents find for us,
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arranged marriage, you know?
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But, for me, it was probably
that we got episodes
00:01:48.067 --> 00:01:50.236
of Knight Rider
a little bit later.
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And by "little bit later, "
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I mean, we just got
episode two.
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But other than that,
it was exactly the same.
00:02:02.248 --> 00:02:06.085
♪ Somethin's wrong
'cause my mind is fading ♪
00:02:06.169 --> 00:02:09.964
♪ And everywhere I look
there's a dead end waiting ♪
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♪ Temperature's dropping
at the rotten oasis ♪
00:02:14.219 --> 00:02:17.806
♪ Stealing kisses
from the leprous faces ♪
00:02:19.849 --> 00:02:23.770
♪ Got a devil's haircut
in my mind ♪
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♪ Got a devil's haircut
in my mind ♪
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♪ Got a devil's haircut
in my mind... ♪
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So, these are
my real journals, honestly.
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And this is the woman
who wrote them.
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Poor gal.
00:02:38.743 --> 00:02:41.204
Yeah. She... She has
no idea that, like,
00:02:41.287 --> 00:02:43.289
giant titties
are about to sprout
00:02:43.373 --> 00:02:45.834
and change her life
dramatically.
00:02:46.125 --> 00:02:47.502
So, uh, thank you, guys...
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There's no bad crowds, dude,
only bad comedians.
00:02:50.129 --> 00:02:51.774
You complain about the crowd,
like, all the time.
00:02:51.798 --> 00:02:53.550
Yeah, like, that's when
they're really bad.
00:02:53.633 --> 00:02:55.486
That's, like, 90% of the time
they're really bad.
00:02:55.510 --> 00:02:57.238
Look, will you just watch
and give me notes tonight?
00:02:57.262 --> 00:02:58.096
All right?
00:02:58.179 --> 00:02:59.448
If we both give each other
notes, I think it helps.
00:02:59.472 --> 00:03:01.325
Your notes are just,
"Add more fucks into the bit."
00:03:01.349 --> 00:03:03.077
- That doesn't help anybody.
- Hey, fuck's a funny word.
00:03:03.101 --> 00:03:04.453
It's soft on the top,
and it's hard on the end.
00:03:04.477 --> 00:03:05.520
That was truly horrible.
00:03:05.603 --> 00:03:06.664
- That was so bad.
- What happened?
00:03:06.688 --> 00:03:08.368
- Just watch.
- I'll watch, give you notes.
00:03:08.439 --> 00:03:09.708
- All right. Thank you.
- Hey, that was great.
00:03:09.732 --> 00:03:11.526
No, he didn't
even crack a smile.
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- I thought I was gonna puke.
- Who?
00:03:13.653 --> 00:03:14.779
Bob Dalavan.
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Who's Bob Dalavan?
00:03:16.656 --> 00:03:19.367
Bob Dalavan works
for the Montreal Comedy Festival,
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you fucking doof.
00:03:21.077 --> 00:03:22.120
- He's here?
- Yes.
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Don't you want to get noticed?
00:03:23.621 --> 00:03:24.765
Don't you want
to move to L.A.?
00:03:24.789 --> 00:03:26.833
Hang out with Elijah Wood,
and shit?
00:03:27.250 --> 00:03:28.293
Nobody's on stage?
00:03:28.376 --> 00:03:29.544
No.
00:03:31.629 --> 00:03:32.922
He might've been
doing cocaine.
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Was he doing cocaine
recreationally?
00:03:34.841 --> 00:03:35.842
True cokehead.
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- Cocaine.
- I wonder if he was.
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Now, before I bring out
the next guy,
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you guys know tonight
is Jell-O shot Tuesday!
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And we all know what happens
after eight Jell-O shots.
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We urinate all over
ourselves and puke.
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Okay, so I'm gonna
bring up the next comic.
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- Confidence. Poise.
- You know this man.
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Give it up
for Mr. Chris Jones!
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Smile.
00:03:58.990 --> 00:04:01.034
- Chris!
- He's like if a serial killer
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fucked an inspirational speaker.
00:04:03.620 --> 00:04:06.122
He's like Daniel Day-Lewis,
except he sucks.
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I've tried his warm-up.
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- It does not work for me.
- So unsettling.
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Just bought
a laser printer.
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Printed out, like,
six lasers so far.
00:04:13.296 --> 00:04:15.089
- Maybe.
- Hey, DODD.
00:04:15.173 --> 00:04:16.442
Uh, Dalavan's
in the crowd tonight.
00:04:16.466 --> 00:04:17.967
- Can I do ten?
- No, five minutes.
00:04:18.217 --> 00:04:19.695
You put out chairs,
you do five minutes.
00:04:19.719 --> 00:04:21.119
- You know the deal.
- Come on, man.
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I'll double it up next time.
Come on.
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What are you gonna
do in there?
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I'm making up
next week's schedule.
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Okay, cool.
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I was in bed
with my girlfriend,
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and I was trying to mansplain
to her that, you know, we...
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We are on one little rock
orbiting one star in a galaxy
00:04:36.861 --> 00:04:39.113
of a billion stars
in a universe...
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full of a billion galaxies.
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You know, so I forgot
your birthday.
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Who gives a shit?
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Like, you are cosmically
overreacting to this.
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Honestly, you are being
super selfish.
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You're right,
but you're selfish.
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Hey.
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Have you guys heard of this
drug cocktail called cheese?
00:05:02.220 --> 00:05:05.056
Uh, I saw these news reports,
so I looked up what cheese is,
00:05:05.139 --> 00:05:06.224
and cheese is a mixture.
00:05:06.307 --> 00:05:11.020
Cheese is Tylenol PM
and heroin.
00:05:12.647 --> 00:05:14.983
So, really, it's heroin.
00:05:15.692 --> 00:05:17.735
Heroin's doing
the heavy lifting.
00:05:18.611 --> 00:05:20.863
Just do the heroin.
It's very powerful.
00:05:21.114 --> 00:05:23.324
You already have heroin.
00:05:24.617 --> 00:05:26.369
Is Pakistan in the house?
00:05:28.371 --> 00:05:31.040
Really?
You're not from Pakistan.
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I would've noticed you.
00:05:34.836 --> 00:05:36.295
- Are you kidding me?
- Mmm.
00:05:36.379 --> 00:05:38.464
He just gave you Montreal?
Like, you don't have to
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showcase or audition
or anything?
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No. It was too easy, almost.
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Like, I wanted to struggle.
I wanted... I wanted a story
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to be able to tell
on talk shows,
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and instead, like...
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You guys don't know how tough
it is not to struggle.
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It's... It's a struggle
succeeding effortlessly.
00:05:51.978 --> 00:05:54.814
- Did he say anything about me?
- Sure.
00:05:56.190 --> 00:05:57.835
- What about me?
- He... They, both of you.
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He said,
"Those guys performed."
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I truly hate you,
actually.
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We all hate you.
00:06:06.951 --> 00:06:08.077
- Hi.
- Hi.
00:06:08.161 --> 00:06:09.620
- Hello.
- Um, my name's Kumail.
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Yeah, we know.
00:06:10.788 --> 00:06:12.206
Yeah, we saw you perform.
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Now that the niceties
are out of the way, um,
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I have to tell you
that when you yelled at me,
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it really threw me off,
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and, uh, you really shouldn't
heckle comedians.
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It's so rude.
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I didn't heckle you.
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I just whoo-hoo'd you.
It was supportive.
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Okay, that's a common
misconception.
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But yelling anything
at a comedian
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is considered heckling.
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Heckling doesn't have
to be negative.
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So, if I...
If I yelled out, like,
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"You're amazing in bed!"
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That'd be a heckle?
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Yeah. It would be
an accurate heckle.
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- Cool.
- Whoa.
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Bye.
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- Oh.
- Don't go.
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- No, you can...
- I'm going.
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You scared my friend off now.
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What's your name?
00:06:53.539 --> 00:06:54.540
Emily.
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Emily. Here...
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I want to show you
something, Emily.
00:07:02.632 --> 00:07:05.593
This is your name in Urdu.
00:07:06.135 --> 00:07:07.512
Oh.
00:07:10.681 --> 00:07:12.100
Does this move work?
00:07:12.642 --> 00:07:14.393
I've had some minor success
with it.
00:07:14.477 --> 00:07:15.603
Bullshit.
00:07:17.271 --> 00:07:18.981
So, you just
came to a comedy show
00:07:19.065 --> 00:07:20.108
with your friends?
00:07:20.399 --> 00:07:24.320
Yeah. We're all grad students
at the University of Chicago.
00:07:24.403 --> 00:07:25.756
What are you studying
at grad school?
00:07:25.780 --> 00:07:28.116
I study psychology.
I'm going to be a therapist.
00:07:28.324 --> 00:07:30.368
Oh, so you're gonna sit
on a couch, and, like,
00:07:30.451 --> 00:07:32.304
ask people, like,
"How does that make you feel?"
00:07:32.328 --> 00:07:33.788
I mean, eventually, yeah.
00:07:33.871 --> 00:07:35.581
Right now I'm just
doing fieldwork
00:07:35.665 --> 00:07:36.874
with this group of guys
00:07:36.958 --> 00:07:38.584
who are convicted
of domestic violence.
00:07:38.793 --> 00:07:40.795
- Jesus. Oh, wow.
- Cheers to that.
00:07:40.878 --> 00:07:43.506
No, don't cheers to that.
To you being a therapist.
00:07:43.923 --> 00:07:46.092
Great. To me getting
my master's.
00:07:46.175 --> 00:07:48.335
We'll start there, and then
we'll go to the rest of it.
00:07:53.224 --> 00:07:55.393
So, my roommate Chris
is probably on the couch.
00:07:55.476 --> 00:07:57.436
He's gonna want to try
and start a conversation.
00:07:57.728 --> 00:07:59.730
So, do not engage.
00:08:00.064 --> 00:08:00.898
Okay.
00:08:00.982 --> 00:08:01.982
Let's go.
00:08:04.026 --> 00:08:05.653
- Hey, pals.
- Hey.
00:08:06.571 --> 00:08:07.613
Hi.
00:08:14.537 --> 00:08:17.415
Good for him. Good for him.
00:08:21.794 --> 00:08:22.628
Do you want to watch a movie?
00:08:22.712 --> 00:08:24.505
- Sure.
- Okay.
00:08:26.174 --> 00:08:28.467
Should I just, like,
put my stuff down or...
00:08:28.634 --> 00:08:30.314
Yeah, I would say it's safe.
You know what?
00:08:30.344 --> 00:08:32.805
That area's...
Go for that area.
00:08:33.472 --> 00:08:36.100
I cleaned that earlier
this year, so...
00:08:36.559 --> 00:08:39.604
Should I take my shoes off
or is this a shoes-on bed?
00:08:40.021 --> 00:08:41.272
No, it's a shoes-off bed.
00:08:41.522 --> 00:08:43.399
I have... I have strict rules.
00:08:43.482 --> 00:08:44.525
Cool. Cool.
00:08:45.193 --> 00:08:46.068
Oh, wow.
00:08:46.152 --> 00:08:50.156
That is totally, uh,
an inflated mattress.
00:08:50.781 --> 00:08:52.176
Yeah. Well, did you think
it was gonna be
00:08:52.200 --> 00:08:53.618
a flat, inflatable mattress?
00:08:54.076 --> 00:08:56.787
I did think it might be
an actual mattress,
00:08:56.871 --> 00:08:57.955
but you know.
00:08:58.039 --> 00:09:00.291
Well, air mattresses
are actual mattresses.
00:09:00.374 --> 00:09:02.126
You're being bigoted...
00:09:02.210 --> 00:09:03.810
- Okay. Uh-huh.
- ...towards air-based...
00:09:03.961 --> 00:09:04.795
Uh-huh.
00:09:04.879 --> 00:09:06.879
- Towards air-based mattresses?
- ...comfort items.
00:09:08.007 --> 00:09:09.467
Night of the Living Dead?
00:09:09.550 --> 00:09:11.385
Sure, I haven't
ever seen that movie.
00:09:11.719 --> 00:09:15.223
Okay, so, basically,
the dead start rising.
00:09:15.306 --> 00:09:18.643
- Mmm-hmm.
- And the good guys, um...
00:09:28.361 --> 00:09:29.987
Text Lauren.
00:09:30.279 --> 00:09:32.865
You up, girl?
00:09:32.949 --> 00:09:34.242
No, fuck, no.
00:09:35.868 --> 00:09:37.536
What do you want
to say to Warren?
00:09:37.620 --> 00:09:39.664
She...
00:09:40.373 --> 00:09:41.516
What do you
want to say to...
00:09:41.540 --> 00:09:43.709
You up, period.
00:09:44.794 --> 00:09:45.794
Send.
00:09:46.212 --> 00:09:47.856
That may be beyond
my abilities at the moment.
00:09:47.880 --> 00:09:49.757
Fuck. No.
00:09:57.056 --> 00:09:58.516
What are these scars?
00:10:00.268 --> 00:10:03.938
Oh, they're, uh,
smallpox vaccination.
00:10:04.438 --> 00:10:05.940
I thought only old people
had those.
00:10:06.023 --> 00:10:07.066
Well, I'm from Pakistan,
00:10:07.149 --> 00:10:09.277
and we're still fighting
some battles
00:10:09.360 --> 00:10:10.653
you guys have already won.
00:10:11.028 --> 00:10:12.613
What were you like
in high school?
00:10:12.905 --> 00:10:14.448
Were you, like, super funny?
00:10:14.532 --> 00:10:16.051
Were you really smart?
00:10:16.075 --> 00:10:17.076
Were you...
00:10:17.702 --> 00:10:18.995
I was very shy.
00:10:19.537 --> 00:10:21.372
They called me Chashmullee.
00:10:21.622 --> 00:10:22.707
What is that?
00:10:23.416 --> 00:10:25.459
It roughly translates
to "dweeb."
00:10:25.918 --> 00:10:27.461
I'll show you a picture.
00:10:28.296 --> 00:10:30.548
Of you in high school?
Oh, my God.
00:10:30.631 --> 00:10:32.258
- Boom.
- No.
00:10:32.717 --> 00:10:34.760
And I'm thinking
I'm killing it right now.
00:10:34.844 --> 00:10:37.305
- What inspired this haircut?
- Hugh Grant.
00:10:37.388 --> 00:10:38.889
- No.
- Yeah.
00:10:39.140 --> 00:10:40.558
- Oh, no.
- Big fan.
00:10:40.641 --> 00:10:42.184
- And you're so serious, too.
- Okay.
00:10:42.393 --> 00:10:44.312
I read an interview
with Hugh Grant.
00:10:44.645 --> 00:10:47.398
- He said he doesn't smile.
- No. That's not real.
00:10:47.481 --> 00:10:49.401
'Cause it makes his face
look fat, so I didn't...
00:10:49.442 --> 00:10:51.652
I didn't smile
in pictures for many years.
00:10:52.320 --> 00:10:53.738
What were you like
in high school?
00:10:53.904 --> 00:10:54.989
Um...
00:10:55.656 --> 00:10:58.951
Were you, like, voted, like,
most sexy?
00:10:59.035 --> 00:11:01.662
No. I was voted
most noticeable.
00:11:02.872 --> 00:11:05.416
- That's good.
- No, it's really not good.
00:11:05.666 --> 00:11:08.961
I, uh, had acne,
and I was a goth, and...
00:11:09.045 --> 00:11:11.547
I had this terrible perm.
00:11:11.714 --> 00:11:15.134
Um, yeah, the kids
called me Beetlejuice.
00:11:15.217 --> 00:11:16.218
I don't know why.
00:11:17.386 --> 00:11:19.221
Actually, I do know why.
00:11:19.305 --> 00:11:21.557
It's because they thought
I looked like Beetlejuice.
00:11:21.640 --> 00:11:23.559
I think I'm done
with this subject.
00:11:23.642 --> 00:11:25.394
In fact,
I think I'm gonna go home.
00:11:25.478 --> 00:11:27.855
Wait, wait. We haven't even
had sex again yet.
00:11:28.189 --> 00:11:29.629
Yeah, I'm just not
that kind of girl.
00:11:29.690 --> 00:11:31.275
I only have sex once
on the first date.
00:11:31.359 --> 00:11:32.985
- Wow.
- Plus a hand job.
00:11:33.069 --> 00:11:35.196
Okay, well,
I haven't had that, so...
00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:37.615
You don't get that
because you made fun of me.
00:11:37.823 --> 00:11:39.575
What is happening?
What are you doing?
00:11:39.658 --> 00:11:41.035
I'm changing
under this blanket.
00:11:41.118 --> 00:11:42.787
I've seen everything.
Do you remember?
00:11:42.870 --> 00:11:44.330
We were just having sex.
00:11:44.830 --> 00:11:47.625
Yeah, but we were, like,
in the throes of passion then,
00:11:47.708 --> 00:11:48.708
and...
00:11:49.418 --> 00:11:51.128
Listen, I had
a really nice time.
00:11:51.379 --> 00:11:52.380
Thank you very much.
00:11:52.463 --> 00:11:55.966
I'm just gonna, like,
call an Uber, go home,
00:11:56.050 --> 00:11:58.094
and I hope...
00:11:59.804 --> 00:12:01.889
Just...
00:12:02.807 --> 00:12:04.141
Your driver will be ready
00:12:04.225 --> 00:12:06.018
as soon as he
puts on his pants.
00:12:06.894 --> 00:12:09.271
Were you available for rides
while we were fucking?
00:12:09.355 --> 00:12:11.315
Yeah, but I only looked
a couple times.
00:12:13.234 --> 00:12:16.695
So, maybe I'll, uh, run into you
at the club sometime,
00:12:16.779 --> 00:12:18.781
and we can grab a drink?
00:12:20.616 --> 00:12:22.952
Um, I'm not...
00:12:23.119 --> 00:12:24.304
I know this sounds
like a line,
00:12:24.328 --> 00:12:25.746
but I'm not really, like...
00:12:26.288 --> 00:12:29.125
I'm not really dating
right now. I just...
00:12:29.333 --> 00:12:32.128
I've got a lot of school
and work and...
00:12:32.211 --> 00:12:33.688
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Just a lot on my plate.
00:12:33.712 --> 00:12:36.048
Yeah, no, I get it. Totally.
00:12:36.507 --> 00:12:38.342
That's perfect
'cause I'm not...
00:12:39.468 --> 00:12:40.594
...dating right now, either.
00:12:40.678 --> 00:12:41.804
- Okay.
- Yeah.
00:12:42.471 --> 00:12:44.557
And I actually have
a pretty strict two-day rule
00:12:44.640 --> 00:12:48.811
where I can't see someone
more than two days in a row.
00:12:48.894 --> 00:12:51.272
So, since we hung out
for two days,
00:12:51.355 --> 00:12:52.815
even if I were
to see you again,
00:12:52.898 --> 00:12:54.418
which I won't 'cause
you're not dating,
00:12:54.442 --> 00:12:55.734
I'm not dating,
00:12:56.277 --> 00:12:57.945
I wouldn't be able
to see you till Monday.
00:12:58.028 --> 00:12:59.488
We haven't hung out
for two days.
00:12:59.572 --> 00:13:00.972
We've hung out
for about five hours.
00:13:01.073 --> 00:13:02.741
- Yeah, but...
- Just to be totally clear.
00:13:02.825 --> 00:13:05.870
Yesterday and today
'cause it's after midnight.
00:13:06.120 --> 00:13:08.289
So, today is actually
tomorrow,
00:13:08.372 --> 00:13:10.583
earlier tonight was yesterday,
so two days.
00:13:10.666 --> 00:13:12.793
You see,
I don't date time-nerds,
00:13:12.877 --> 00:13:16.130
so that really takes you
off the table.
00:13:16.213 --> 00:13:17.232
That works out
00:13:17.256 --> 00:13:19.800
'cause I am
a hardcore time-nerd.
00:13:19.884 --> 00:13:20.801
Yeah, I can tell.
00:13:20.885 --> 00:13:24.388
I'm, like, very strict
about a.m./p.m. stuff and...
00:13:25.639 --> 00:13:27.808
So, wait.
So, just to establish,
00:13:27.892 --> 00:13:28.892
what did we decide?
00:13:29.226 --> 00:13:31.437
We decided we aren't ever
gonna see each other again.
00:13:31.729 --> 00:13:32.729
Great.
00:13:33.564 --> 00:13:35.274
I'm glad
we're on the same page.
00:13:43.365 --> 00:13:44.742
Look at my jeans, Kumi.
00:13:44.825 --> 00:13:46.785
They're
from Citizens of Humanity.
00:13:46.869 --> 00:13:48.180
- That's the brand's name.
- Oh.
00:13:48.204 --> 00:13:49.284
They're so soft.
Touch them.
00:13:49.330 --> 00:13:50.474
I don't want
to touch your jeans.
00:13:50.498 --> 00:13:51.683
- Come on, touch them.
- I'll touch them.
00:13:51.707 --> 00:13:53.027
They're like sweatpants,
you know.
00:13:53.292 --> 00:13:55.187
You should be stylish
like your father, you know.
00:13:55.211 --> 00:13:56.811
It's not very difficult.
Just observe me.
00:13:56.879 --> 00:13:58.881
- Get some Daddy style.
- Yeah.
00:13:59.006 --> 00:14:01.133
Kumi, why don't you
grow a beard?
00:14:01.425 --> 00:14:03.010
Not like Naveed's,
just a small one.
00:14:03.093 --> 00:14:04.362
- Not like his.
- Maybe like mine.
00:14:04.386 --> 00:14:05.429
Small, cool, and stylish.
00:14:05.513 --> 00:14:06.573
Kumi, I've been thinking.
00:14:06.597 --> 00:14:09.308
You know, why you don't
enroll for LSAT now?
00:14:10.100 --> 00:14:12.353
Yeah, sorry, Ma,
I haven't done it yet.
00:14:12.603 --> 00:14:13.854
I like that you bring it up
00:14:13.938 --> 00:14:15.564
as if you've never
brought it up before.
00:14:15.648 --> 00:14:17.149
How's the stand-up
coming, Bhai?
00:14:21.153 --> 00:14:22.613
It's going fine.
Thank you.
00:14:22.696 --> 00:14:24.740
Yeah, since when
are you someone to stand up?
00:14:24.823 --> 00:14:26.742
You know who I think
should stand up is Malala.
00:14:26.825 --> 00:14:28.011
- She has something to say.
- Malala, yeah.
00:14:28.035 --> 00:14:29.471
- Ooh, I love Malala.
- She has something to say.
00:14:29.495 --> 00:14:31.747
- Malala.
- Yeah. I know.
00:14:31.830 --> 00:14:33.374
She does open mics,
and she crushes.
00:14:33.499 --> 00:14:35.668
A lot of ethnic material,
which I think is a crutch,
00:14:35.751 --> 00:14:38.045
and that one story gets
a lot of play, but...
00:14:38.587 --> 00:14:39.797
You should be on that show
00:14:40.005 --> 00:14:41.257
- Saturday Night Live.
- SNL.
00:14:41.340 --> 00:14:42.817
That's a great idea.
I should e-mail them.
00:14:42.841 --> 00:14:44.319
I don't know why
I hadn't thought of that.
00:14:44.343 --> 00:14:45.695
You know, I hacked
into your cousin
00:14:45.719 --> 00:14:46.929
Rehan's Facebook account.
00:14:47.012 --> 00:14:48.156
- You hacked into it?
- Oh.
00:14:48.180 --> 00:14:49.824
Yeah, they were not accepting
my friends request,
00:14:49.848 --> 00:14:50.951
- so I had to hack into it...
- Okay.
00:14:50.975 --> 00:14:53.477
...and I discovered that he
and that white woman
00:14:53.561 --> 00:14:55.729
that he's living with
are having a baby.
00:14:55.813 --> 00:14:57.773
- They're married.
- Yeah, whatever.
00:14:57.856 --> 00:14:59.876
And then I hacked into Tumblr,
and I discovered that
00:14:59.900 --> 00:15:02.194
they have named
the baby Da-vé.
00:15:03.028 --> 00:15:04.738
- Can you imagine?
- Dave.
00:15:05.072 --> 00:15:07.032
- Dave?
- It's probably Dave.
00:15:07.116 --> 00:15:08.742
Oh. Oh, Dave. Dave.
00:15:08.826 --> 00:15:10.637
- Nobody's named Da-vé.
- It's very, very, very sad.
00:15:10.661 --> 00:15:12.663
No one is going to visit
that baby, and that baby,
00:15:12.746 --> 00:15:14.748
mark my words,
will grow up without a family.
00:15:14.915 --> 00:15:16.667
It's like he's dead or worse.
00:15:16.750 --> 00:15:18.919
It is very sad. Kumi,
00:15:19.003 --> 00:15:21.672
go and pray now, so then
we can eat ice cream. Go.
00:15:21.755 --> 00:15:23.441
- Go. Please, go.
- Yeah, Ma, I need to finish.
00:15:23.465 --> 00:15:25.426
Hurry up, Bhai. Ice cream.
00:15:25.509 --> 00:15:26.903
And then we'll eat ice cream.
00:15:26.927 --> 00:15:29.471
Stop, stop.
Janamaz is downstairs. Go.
00:15:29.638 --> 00:15:31.432
Stop.
00:15:31.515 --> 00:15:33.355
What is this?
00:15:58.626 --> 00:15:59.460
I don't know, I think...
00:15:59.543 --> 00:16:00.878
My mother used to
make best kulfi.
00:16:00.961 --> 00:16:02.504
- Your grandmother.
- Oh, yeah?
00:16:02.588 --> 00:16:04.108
I think ice cream
is better than kulfi.
00:16:04.173 --> 00:16:05.591
No, no, no.
00:16:05.674 --> 00:16:08.177
Oh. I wonder
who that could be.
00:16:08.260 --> 00:16:11.180
- Yeah.
- Let me check. I don't know.
00:16:11.263 --> 00:16:13.599
I'm guessing it's a young,
single Pakistani woman
00:16:13.682 --> 00:16:15.601
who just happened
to be driving by our house,
00:16:15.684 --> 00:16:16.685
which is on a cul-de-sac.
00:16:16.769 --> 00:16:17.954
- Well...
- And I'm also guessing
00:16:17.978 --> 00:16:19.897
that the phrase "dropped in"
00:16:19.980 --> 00:16:21.565
will be said
in the next ten seconds.
00:16:21.815 --> 00:16:23.233
- Ten.
- Ten, nine...
00:16:23.734 --> 00:16:25.903
- ...eight, seven...
- Quiet.
00:16:25.986 --> 00:16:28.530
Everyone, this is Zubeida.
00:16:28.781 --> 00:16:30.574
- She just dropped in.
- Salaam.
00:16:32.201 --> 00:16:33.869
- Come, please. Sit.
- Mmm.
00:16:36.246 --> 00:16:39.166
Oh, here, Kumail,
for your files.
00:16:39.708 --> 00:16:41.543
- Thank you.
- Your X-Files because...
00:16:41.627 --> 00:16:43.671
- Thank you.
- ...that's your favorite show.
00:16:43.754 --> 00:16:44.754
Huh?
00:16:46.090 --> 00:16:47.299
Thank you so much.
00:16:48.175 --> 00:16:50.135
"The truth is out there."
00:16:52.930 --> 00:16:54.848
- Uh-huh.
- It's from the show.
00:16:56.600 --> 00:16:57.810
Thank you.
00:16:58.352 --> 00:16:59.645
- Thank you. Yeah.
- Bye.
00:16:59.728 --> 00:17:01.730
- Bye.
- I hope you come back.
00:17:03.524 --> 00:17:06.652
Kumi, there's not just going
to be a magic spark, okay?
00:17:06.735 --> 00:17:09.446
You have to work at it.
You have to stay open.
00:17:09.822 --> 00:17:11.657
- Okay, Ma. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay. Good.
00:17:11.740 --> 00:17:13.659
I just wish you were
better at it, you know?
00:17:13.742 --> 00:17:15.762
I mean, you've had so much
practice, and you're still...
00:17:15.786 --> 00:17:17.955
- You're not that good at it.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:17:18.038 --> 00:17:19.265
Brought your A-game
with NAVEED,
00:17:19.289 --> 00:17:21.500
but with me, you're just
phoning it in a little bit.
00:17:21.583 --> 00:17:23.585
Again with the comedy,
the comedy.
00:17:23.669 --> 00:17:26.338
All the time with the comedy.
Be serious sometimes.
00:17:26.422 --> 00:17:28.340
I am serious.
I want to help you get better.
00:17:39.101 --> 00:17:41.121
So, are you ever gonna
let me sit in the front seat?
00:17:41.145 --> 00:17:42.646
No, I'm a professional,
00:17:42.730 --> 00:17:44.231
and you're paying
for this ride.
00:17:44.398 --> 00:17:45.718
I don't want
to pay for this ride.
00:17:45.774 --> 00:17:47.901
It's surging right now.
00:17:48.986 --> 00:17:51.196
Yeah. Sorry.
00:17:51.280 --> 00:17:52.865
You shouldn't have
typed in the number.
00:17:53.615 --> 00:17:57.327
Okay, the year is 1969.
00:17:57.661 --> 00:17:59.580
MGM has had
a string of failures,
00:17:59.663 --> 00:18:03.917
so it turns to its most
bankable star, Vincent Price.
00:18:04.001 --> 00:18:05.836
Is this your
compatibility test?
00:18:05.919 --> 00:18:09.089
Like the way some people are
with Vonnegut or Big Lebowski?
00:18:09.173 --> 00:18:11.842
No, just watch the movie
and take it seriously
00:18:11.925 --> 00:18:13.027
- because it's very serious.
- I'm gonna love it.
00:18:13.051 --> 00:18:15.012
I love it when men
test me on my taste.
00:18:15.095 --> 00:18:16.695
I just want to share
this movie with you,
00:18:16.764 --> 00:18:18.324
so I don't know why
you're reading into...
00:18:18.348 --> 00:18:20.976
How many women
have you showed this movie to?
00:18:22.269 --> 00:18:23.269
Zero.
00:18:23.479 --> 00:18:26.565
How many women have you
shown a "B" horror movie to
00:18:26.648 --> 00:18:27.941
on, like, a third date?
00:18:30.569 --> 00:18:32.154
This is not
a "B" horror movie.
00:18:33.405 --> 00:18:34.531
Okay, are you ready?
00:18:34.865 --> 00:18:37.534
Just close your eyes
'cause when the menu comes on,
00:18:37.618 --> 00:18:38.952
there's some spoilers
in the menu.
00:18:39.036 --> 00:18:40.579
- Okay?
- I'm ready, I'm ready.
00:18:40.662 --> 00:18:41.705
Okay, I'll hit play.
00:18:43.165 --> 00:18:44.165
Okay, go.
00:18:58.847 --> 00:19:00.182
Watch.
00:19:00.432 --> 00:19:02.184
- I'm watching.
- Shh.
00:19:02.267 --> 00:19:03.769
Watch this part.
00:19:06.230 --> 00:19:07.773
- No.
- What?
00:19:07.856 --> 00:19:09.376
If you're tired,
we can watch it later.
00:19:09.566 --> 00:19:11.443
Sorry.
Just have that weird, like,
00:19:11.902 --> 00:19:13.403
yawning thing that happens
00:19:13.570 --> 00:19:15.489
when you're watching
a really boring film.
00:19:16.990 --> 00:19:19.827
It's not boring.
Just wait for it to kick in.
00:19:19.910 --> 00:19:21.495
- The plot kicks in really soon.
- Okay.
00:19:21.578 --> 00:19:26.416
Your loss. Nine times nine.
00:19:27.000 --> 00:19:29.002
Nine killed you.
00:19:29.294 --> 00:19:30.379
That was fun.
00:19:30.462 --> 00:19:33.799
Uh, thanks for the ride home,
but we got to stop doing this.
00:19:33.882 --> 00:19:35.801
- Yeah.
- I know I've said that before,
00:19:35.884 --> 00:19:37.052
but I really do mean it.
00:19:37.135 --> 00:19:38.804
I can't be doing this
right now.
00:19:38.887 --> 00:19:42.099
I know, I know.
Totally. 100 percent.
00:19:43.141 --> 00:19:44.393
I agree with you.
00:19:44.476 --> 00:19:46.311
- So, don't call me again.
- I won't.
00:19:47.062 --> 00:19:48.355
I promise.
00:19:48.689 --> 00:19:50.524
Good luck
on all your future endeavors.
00:19:50.607 --> 00:19:51.984
Oh, yeah, thank you.
00:19:52.276 --> 00:19:53.610
Hey, can we have
an awkward hug
00:19:53.694 --> 00:19:55.696
before we part forever?
00:19:57.364 --> 00:19:58.699
- Okay.
- Okay.
00:19:59.867 --> 00:20:01.118
Uh...
00:20:06.373 --> 00:20:07.583
- Bye.
- Bye.
00:20:21.430 --> 00:20:25.309
Uh, you just promised
never to call me again, so...
00:20:26.184 --> 00:20:28.103
It's really cold out here.
00:20:29.479 --> 00:20:30.814
It's so cold.
00:20:30.898 --> 00:20:32.608
You make a pretty good point.
00:20:32.691 --> 00:20:34.276
It is a lot warmer in here.
00:20:34.359 --> 00:20:36.028
It is warmer in here.
00:20:36.612 --> 00:20:38.089
You know,
it's really nice upstairs.
00:20:38.113 --> 00:20:39.114
Is it?
00:20:41.533 --> 00:20:43.452
Whoa... Whoa!
00:20:44.620 --> 00:20:46.705
What are you doing? Okay.
00:20:46.788 --> 00:20:48.165
Just trying to get comfy.
00:20:49.374 --> 00:20:51.209
Oh, let me see.
Who could that be?
00:20:56.715 --> 00:20:58.717
Oh, I wonder
who that could be.
00:21:06.224 --> 00:21:07.264
Uncle.
00:21:08.226 --> 00:21:09.811
Oh, let me see
who is that.
00:21:11.980 --> 00:21:13.440
Emily,
so has Kumail told you
00:21:13.523 --> 00:21:15.359
that in addition
to being an Uber driver,
00:21:15.442 --> 00:21:18.236
he also has a one-man show?
00:21:18.737 --> 00:21:20.280
No, he did not tell me that.
00:21:20.364 --> 00:21:22.532
- Do you really?
- Oh, it's really nothing.
00:21:22.616 --> 00:21:24.376
It's just something
I'm fiddling around with.
00:21:24.451 --> 00:21:26.870
How is a one-man show
different from stand-up?
00:21:26.954 --> 00:21:28.056
- It's really not.
- I guess it's because
00:21:28.080 --> 00:21:31.249
there's lots of, like,
wigs and costume changes.
00:21:31.333 --> 00:21:32.793
And there's a lot
of acting in it.
00:21:32.876 --> 00:21:35.462
Mmm. And then, like,
at the end of it,
00:21:35.545 --> 00:21:38.048
you've got this very awkward
conversation where you go,
00:21:38.423 --> 00:21:40.008
"I really liked it."
00:21:40.258 --> 00:21:42.094
But I thought
you really liked it.
00:21:42.177 --> 00:21:44.388
I really liked it.
00:21:44.846 --> 00:21:47.307
- I can't wait to see this show.
- Oh, yeah.
00:21:47.391 --> 00:21:49.077
Okay, you will never see
the show because it's...
00:21:49.101 --> 00:21:50.203
- Oh, you have to see it.
- You have to.
00:21:50.227 --> 00:21:51.454
- It's not ready. It's not...
- You have to...
00:21:51.478 --> 00:21:53.855
- You will love the acting.
- You have to see it.
00:21:53.939 --> 00:21:55.541
They're fucking with you.
It's not really like this.
00:21:55.565 --> 00:21:57.025
They're fucking with me
or with you?
00:21:57.109 --> 00:21:58.211
It's actually very
significant.
00:21:58.235 --> 00:21:59.755
It seems like they're
fucking with you.
00:22:01.905 --> 00:22:04.157
I'm 12 years old, and this...
00:22:05.826 --> 00:22:07.035
This is home.
00:22:08.620 --> 00:22:10.205
Feels like I never left.
00:22:11.123 --> 00:22:12.374
Do you smell that?
00:22:12.916 --> 00:22:16.211
That's my mom cooking
the murgh rogan josh.
00:22:17.129 --> 00:22:19.089
- Fuck.
- Do you hear that?
00:22:19.423 --> 00:22:22.050
That's my father watching
cricket on the telly.
00:22:23.093 --> 00:22:24.678
Do you feel that?
00:22:25.012 --> 00:22:27.889
That's the weight
of Pakistan's history.
00:22:27.973 --> 00:22:29.975
Pakistan was formed
when it separated
00:22:30.058 --> 00:22:34.229
from its biggest rival, India,
on August 14th, 1947.
00:22:34.896 --> 00:22:36.898
Six runs.
00:22:36.982 --> 00:22:38.984
Silly mid on.
Short mid-wicket.
00:22:39.151 --> 00:22:40.902
Mid-wicket.
Deep mid-wicket.
00:22:40.986 --> 00:22:44.656
Mid on. Long on. Long off.
Bowler. Mid off.
00:22:44.990 --> 00:22:46.158
A googly is when a...
00:22:46.241 --> 00:22:47.552
I have to leave
as soon as the show's over.
00:22:47.576 --> 00:22:49.286
- I can't stay. Okay.
- Okay.
00:22:49.369 --> 00:22:51.413
So, if you get
a silly mid-on fielder,
00:22:51.496 --> 00:22:53.665
you know you're getting
a yorker soon.
00:22:54.958 --> 00:22:57.669
So, to review,
Pakistan's biggest exports
00:22:57.753 --> 00:23:00.922
- are cotton and...
- Concrete.
00:23:01.256 --> 00:23:02.734
- Kill me.
- That's right.
00:23:02.758 --> 00:23:05.010
Eid Mubarak.
That's our Christmas.
00:23:05.093 --> 00:23:07.345
Except instead
of the traditional Christmas ham,
00:23:07.429 --> 00:23:08.680
we serve mithai,
00:23:08.764 --> 00:23:11.933
which my khansamah, Chris,
will serve to you right now.
00:23:12.267 --> 00:23:14.895
Khansamah is Urdu
for "servant."
00:23:15.312 --> 00:23:16.563
If you want to make it
at home,
00:23:16.855 --> 00:23:18.982
the main ingredients
are condensed milk,
00:23:19.066 --> 00:23:20.567
sugar, and love.
00:23:20.817 --> 00:23:22.569
At least,
that was my mom's recipe.
00:23:22.778 --> 00:23:24.905
Hey, you look like
a children's toy from Malaysia.
00:23:24.988 --> 00:23:25.822
Now would you
all please rise
00:23:25.906 --> 00:23:27.324
for the Pakistani
national anthem?
00:23:29.868 --> 00:23:33.789
Pak sarzamin shad bad
00:23:34.122 --> 00:23:37.542
Kishwar-i hasin shad bad
00:23:39.252 --> 00:23:40.271
Hey.
00:23:40.295 --> 00:23:41.505
Hey. So, what'd you think?
00:23:41.588 --> 00:23:43.965
- Um, I thought it was great.
- Yeah?
00:23:44.049 --> 00:23:45.258
I never knew that Pakistan
00:23:45.342 --> 00:23:47.636
had the world's largest
irrigation system.
00:23:47.719 --> 00:23:50.013
Yeah, something
like 14 million hectares
00:23:50.097 --> 00:23:50.931
are being irrigated.
00:23:51.014 --> 00:23:52.682
Like, as soon as I read that,
I was like,
00:23:52.766 --> 00:23:53.966
"Oh, that's going
in the show."
00:23:54.059 --> 00:23:55.060
- Totally.
- Hi, Emily.
00:23:55.143 --> 00:23:56.144
- Hey.
- Hi, guys.
00:23:56.228 --> 00:23:58.855
Hey. Dude, that was...
You were in the zone, man.
00:23:58.939 --> 00:24:00.500
That was... That was
the best one we've seen.
00:24:00.524 --> 00:24:04.820
Yeah, that was
so honest and good.
00:24:05.487 --> 00:24:07.131
And you know what
I realized halfway through?
00:24:07.155 --> 00:24:09.032
- You're from Pakistan.
- Yes.
00:24:09.116 --> 00:24:10.718
- Cool, good to see you, Emily.
- Yes. Okay, bye, guys.
00:24:10.742 --> 00:24:12.494
- Great. Bye, guys.
- Keep up the...
00:24:13.912 --> 00:24:15.914
- They seemed to like it.
- They're so nice.
00:24:16.665 --> 00:24:19.751
So, really, what'd you think?
Like, it's a work in progress.
00:24:20.001 --> 00:24:23.338
I really liked it.
I learned a lot about Pakistan
00:24:23.630 --> 00:24:25.966
and cricket,
all those positions.
00:24:26.091 --> 00:24:28.552
But I just wish that I had
learned more about you.
00:24:29.052 --> 00:24:30.637
- Does that make any sense?
- Yeah.
00:24:53.368 --> 00:24:55.537
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
00:24:57.289 --> 00:24:58.498
It's 3:00 a.m.
00:24:58.582 --> 00:25:02.335
Is that, uh, diner
around the corner open?
00:25:02.669 --> 00:25:03.962
It's 24 hours.
00:25:04.045 --> 00:25:06.923
Why, you want an old
lemon meringue pie?
00:25:07.090 --> 00:25:08.675
You're so funny.
00:25:09.301 --> 00:25:12.929
No, actually, um, I just,
I really need to, um,
00:25:13.430 --> 00:25:14.556
get a cup of coffee.
00:25:14.639 --> 00:25:15.974
I can make you coffee.
00:25:17.976 --> 00:25:21.396
I love diner coffee.
I just love that burnt taste.
00:25:21.479 --> 00:25:22.397
All right, I'll come with you.
00:25:22.480 --> 00:25:24.316
No, no, no, no, no.
No, why would you do that?
00:25:24.399 --> 00:25:25.442
It's a bad neighborhood.
00:25:25.525 --> 00:25:26.985
I'm not gonna let you
go on your own.
00:25:27.068 --> 00:25:28.379
- Why? 'Cause I'm a woman?
- Okay.
00:25:28.403 --> 00:25:29.839
Seriously, that's the most
misogynous thing
00:25:29.863 --> 00:25:30.739
I've ever heard.
00:25:30.822 --> 00:25:32.258
- Why are you being so weird?
- Fuck you.
00:25:32.282 --> 00:25:33.801
- I'm not being weird.
- You're being so weird.
00:25:33.825 --> 00:25:35.702
You're being weird.
You're being so weird.
00:25:35.785 --> 00:25:36.888
How am I weird?
I want to sleep
00:25:36.912 --> 00:25:38.306
- while it's sleep time.
- This is normal.
00:25:38.330 --> 00:25:40.224
Girls go to get coffee
in the middle of the night.
00:25:40.248 --> 00:25:41.475
Have you never had
a girlfriend before?
00:25:41.499 --> 00:25:43.099
- This is what it's like.
- Are you okay?
00:25:43.168 --> 00:25:45.128
Everything is not okay.
Everything is not good.
00:25:45.212 --> 00:25:46.963
Hey, hey, hey.
You could tell me anything,
00:25:47.047 --> 00:25:47.923
you know that, right?
00:25:48.006 --> 00:25:49.090
You could tell me anything.
00:25:49.174 --> 00:25:51.134
I have to take a shit, okay?
00:25:53.803 --> 00:25:56.348
I have to take a huge,
fucking dookie.
00:25:56.514 --> 00:25:58.600
I can't poo in your bathroom
00:25:58.934 --> 00:26:00.244
because you don't
have any matches,
00:26:00.268 --> 00:26:01.579
and you don't have
any air freshener.
00:26:01.603 --> 00:26:02.914
What kind of person
doesn't have any matches
00:26:02.938 --> 00:26:04.207
or air freshener
in the bathroom?
00:26:04.231 --> 00:26:06.900
The walls are so thin,
and Chris is right out there.
00:26:07.067 --> 00:26:09.736
Please, stop laughing.
Please, please, please.
00:26:09.903 --> 00:26:11.780
Okay. I have an idea.
00:26:22.582 --> 00:26:24.918
Hey. How are you?
00:26:25.001 --> 00:26:27.087
I do not want
to talk about it.
00:26:33.635 --> 00:26:35.011
Watch and learn, Bhai.
00:26:35.553 --> 00:26:38.181
It's all about shifting
the weight and the torque.
00:26:38.765 --> 00:26:39.849
Oh, Christ.
00:26:40.016 --> 00:26:41.851
Oh. Okay.
00:26:45.814 --> 00:26:48.441
Hey, you're like
a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.
00:26:49.609 --> 00:26:51.778
There you go, honey.
Yeah. That's it.
00:26:51.861 --> 00:26:53.822
He's pretty good.
Just do what he's doing.
00:26:54.906 --> 00:26:56.157
Okay, great.
00:26:56.866 --> 00:26:57.866
Mine.
00:26:58.076 --> 00:26:59.428
Come on, man,
just let me...
00:26:59.452 --> 00:27:01.538
Mine.
Mine, mine, mine, thank you.
00:27:01.621 --> 00:27:03.432
- Why do you get the Chana?
- You go on that... No.
00:27:03.456 --> 00:27:04.457
Mmm.
00:27:05.208 --> 00:27:06.543
This cookie's really good.
00:27:06.793 --> 00:27:08.295
They're biscuits.
Listen to yourself.
00:27:08.378 --> 00:27:09.879
You hardly sound Pakistani.
00:27:10.130 --> 00:27:11.298
"Cookies."
00:27:11.548 --> 00:27:13.091
Sound like
Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
00:27:14.134 --> 00:27:15.343
Such a burger.
00:27:15.719 --> 00:27:17.196
- I'm not a burger.
- Yes, you're a burger.
00:27:17.220 --> 00:27:18.322
- I'm not a burger.
- You're a big, fat burger.
00:27:18.346 --> 00:27:20.056
And biscuit is
actually a British term.
00:27:20.140 --> 00:27:21.409
Oh, thank you
for all the information
00:27:21.433 --> 00:27:22.350
I don't give a shit about.
00:27:22.434 --> 00:27:24.234
And you should listen to Mom
and grow a beard.
00:27:25.061 --> 00:27:26.604
Gets really itchy. I've tried.
00:27:26.688 --> 00:27:27.707
- It's all patchy.
- Oh, is it itchy?
00:27:27.731 --> 00:27:29.500
- I know I sound like a baby.
- Well, try being a man
00:27:29.524 --> 00:27:30.942
and conditioning like I do.
00:27:31.192 --> 00:27:32.552
What's the whole thing
with Muslims
00:27:32.610 --> 00:27:33.611
growing beards, anyway?
00:27:33.695 --> 00:27:35.095
It's such
an arbitrary thing, right?
00:27:35.155 --> 00:27:37.532
Like, who decided that,
"Oh, we have to have beards."
00:27:37.615 --> 00:27:39.535
Oh. But you'll do...
So, there's a billion of us,
00:27:39.576 --> 00:27:41.119
and you're the only one
with the truth.
00:27:41.244 --> 00:27:42.662
Is that right?
00:27:42.746 --> 00:27:45.165
So, the sun is just
shining down on you right now.
00:27:45.248 --> 00:27:47.459
It's just parting.
00:27:50.003 --> 00:27:53.465
You know, I have to tell
you something, Bhai.
00:27:55.091 --> 00:27:56.801
Here we go. Yeah.
00:27:59.262 --> 00:28:01.222
I've been dating this girl.
00:28:02.265 --> 00:28:03.516
- She's white.
- Oh.
00:28:03.683 --> 00:28:04.744
I thought you were gonna say
00:28:04.768 --> 00:28:06.144
you were involved
in a hit-and-run
00:28:06.227 --> 00:28:07.812
or you got caught
forging some checks,
00:28:07.896 --> 00:28:09.814
but a white girl?
00:28:09.898 --> 00:28:11.338
I mean,
that's such a cliché.
00:28:11.399 --> 00:28:12.710
It's okay,
and we hate terrorists.
00:28:12.734 --> 00:28:14.152
- It's...
- Just... sorry.
00:28:16.321 --> 00:28:18.073
Listen, I understand.
You're in America,
00:28:18.156 --> 00:28:19.449
and you want
to mow a few lawns
00:28:19.532 --> 00:28:20.825
and see what it's like, but...
00:28:21.326 --> 00:28:24.496
Eventually, you have
to marry a Pakistani girl.
00:28:24.579 --> 00:28:25.622
Like...
00:28:26.247 --> 00:28:28.208
Like, I hung out
with other girls,
00:28:28.458 --> 00:28:30.085
but then I married Fatima.
00:28:30.293 --> 00:28:31.973
And we hardly spoke
two words to each other
00:28:32.045 --> 00:28:34.547
in the first few months,
but now, Kumi,
00:28:34.631 --> 00:28:36.591
- she's like my best friend.
- I know.
00:28:36.674 --> 00:28:38.385
You have to break up with her
immediately.
00:28:39.844 --> 00:28:42.180
If I find someone
who's as good for me
00:28:42.263 --> 00:28:43.556
as Fatima is for you,
00:28:43.848 --> 00:28:45.308
Mom would understand, right?
00:28:45.392 --> 00:28:47.852
I mean, she wouldn't
love me less.
00:28:47.936 --> 00:28:49.479
Oh, she'd definitely
love you less.
00:28:49.979 --> 00:28:51.106
Slowly, it'd sort of...
00:28:52.065 --> 00:28:54.526
What's the word when guys
stop returning girl's calls?
00:28:55.235 --> 00:28:56.486
- Ghosting?
- Yes.
00:28:56.569 --> 00:28:59.406
You have to end it now,
or Mom will fucking ghost you.
00:29:00.073 --> 00:29:01.241
Now, come on.
00:29:02.242 --> 00:29:03.493
Batting.
00:29:11.084 --> 00:29:13.753
I am getting, like,
a lot of bright fruit.
00:29:13.837 --> 00:29:15.296
I'd say it's very
fruit-forward.
00:29:15.380 --> 00:29:18.133
Mmm-hmm. It tastes like
grape juice that's gone bad.
00:29:18.216 --> 00:29:19.092
- Like...
- Yeah.
00:29:19.175 --> 00:29:20.535
Why do you know
so much about wine?
00:29:21.761 --> 00:29:24.180
Um, because,
00:29:24.806 --> 00:29:26.266
uh...
00:29:27.058 --> 00:29:29.727
I was pretty unhappy
in my first marriage,
00:29:29.811 --> 00:29:31.271
and I drank a lot,
00:29:31.479 --> 00:29:34.232
and, uh, one way to cover
drinking a lot is to just,
00:29:34.315 --> 00:29:35.650
like, know a lot about wine.
00:29:35.733 --> 00:29:37.277
Wait. I'm sorry.
What did you just say?
00:29:37.360 --> 00:29:39.737
That knowing a lot about wine
covers for drinking a lot.
00:29:39.821 --> 00:29:42.073
Uh, no, I mean
the huge piece of information
00:29:42.157 --> 00:29:43.837
that you're trying
to just blow right past.
00:29:43.992 --> 00:29:46.327
Yeah. Yeah, I was married.
00:29:46.411 --> 00:29:47.721
- You were married?
- Um... I was.
00:29:47.745 --> 00:29:48.830
I was married.
00:29:49.372 --> 00:29:51.791
Do you want to talk
about something else or...
00:29:52.167 --> 00:29:54.043
Yeah, 'cause I don't really
have any questions.
00:29:54.127 --> 00:29:55.295
- No.
- Other than...
00:29:55.420 --> 00:29:57.714
When did you get married?
When did you get divorced?
00:29:57.797 --> 00:29:59.549
What's his name?
How tall is he?
00:29:59.632 --> 00:30:00.842
Did you love him?
00:30:00.925 --> 00:30:02.302
I guess I have
a couple questions.
00:30:02.385 --> 00:30:03.385
Uh-huh.
00:30:04.179 --> 00:30:08.224
Um, his name was... is Ryan.
00:30:08.475 --> 00:30:09.976
We met in college.
00:30:10.852 --> 00:30:13.188
Everyone I knew was getting
married super young,
00:30:13.271 --> 00:30:19.444
so we did, and, um, one day
I was at a restaurant,
00:30:19.611 --> 00:30:22.530
and I saw
this couple making out.
00:30:23.156 --> 00:30:25.992
And I thought,
00:30:26.075 --> 00:30:28.703
"Huh. I don't think about
my husband like that.
00:30:28.912 --> 00:30:30.163
"But that's okay."
00:30:30.955 --> 00:30:32.790
And then another part
of my brain was like,
00:30:32.874 --> 00:30:35.543
"No, that's not okay.
This is your life."
00:30:36.169 --> 00:30:37.754
I feel like this is
freaking you out.
00:30:37.837 --> 00:30:40.131
- Is this freaking you out?
- It's not freaking me out.
00:30:41.841 --> 00:30:43.927
I don't want to put
pressure on you.
00:30:44.511 --> 00:30:46.596
And I know it's only been
a few months,
00:30:47.096 --> 00:30:49.516
but I just wanted to tell you,
I...
00:30:50.934 --> 00:30:53.978
...am... overwhelmed by you.
00:30:55.104 --> 00:30:56.981
It's the last thing
I was expecting.
00:31:00.151 --> 00:31:02.737
This is also the last thing
I was expecting.
00:31:03.571 --> 00:31:06.824
And I also feel completely
overwhelmed by you.
00:31:09.494 --> 00:31:11.579
- That's a weird thing to say.
- Why?
00:31:11.663 --> 00:31:14.082
I just said what you said,
exactly what you said.
00:31:14.165 --> 00:31:16.626
Yeah, it wasn't weird
when I said it.
00:31:18.670 --> 00:31:21.089
- No...
- It's okay.
00:31:29.847 --> 00:31:31.766
So, listen,
my parents are going
00:31:31.849 --> 00:31:34.686
- to be in town this weekend.
- Oh, that's great.
00:31:34.769 --> 00:31:36.809
Will you maybe want to come
and meet them for lunch?
00:31:38.398 --> 00:31:40.942
Oh, we can't 'cause
of the two-day rule, right?
00:31:41.359 --> 00:31:43.695
Well, you'll come to Mary's
party Friday night, right?
00:31:43.778 --> 00:31:45.172
And then we'll probably
spend the night,
00:31:45.196 --> 00:31:47.407
so I won't be able
to see you till Monday, so...
00:31:48.074 --> 00:31:51.911
Okay. Well, I would love
to meet your parents.
00:31:52.078 --> 00:31:53.538
They live in the city, right?
00:31:53.913 --> 00:31:57.083
Well, they live
in the suburbs,
00:31:57.166 --> 00:31:58.960
and, uh, you know,
00:31:59.043 --> 00:32:00.378
I don't really see them
very much.
00:32:00.670 --> 00:32:02.005
Have they asked about me?
00:32:02.088 --> 00:32:03.673
- What do they think?
- Oh, um...
00:32:03.756 --> 00:32:05.133
Do they...
Do they want to meet me?
00:32:05.216 --> 00:32:06.467
My parents want to meet you.
00:32:06.551 --> 00:32:08.511
Of course, of course.
They're dying to meet you.
00:32:08.595 --> 00:32:11.055
- Ow. Oh, my God.
- Whoa, you okay?
00:32:11.139 --> 00:32:13.016
- Yep.
- What happened?
00:32:13.266 --> 00:32:14.306
- Do you...
- Totally fine.
00:32:14.684 --> 00:32:15.518
Do you need...
00:32:15.602 --> 00:32:16.996
No, I think I just
tweaked my ankle.
00:32:17.020 --> 00:32:17.895
...assistance?
00:32:17.979 --> 00:32:21.566
I took this stupid hip-hop
dance class last weekend.
00:32:21.858 --> 00:32:23.377
You should get it looked at.
Do you want ice?
00:32:23.401 --> 00:32:24.587
- I don't need anything.
- I can get you a bag of ice.
00:32:24.611 --> 00:32:26.171
Look, I'm walking on it.
I'm totally fine.
00:32:26.195 --> 00:32:27.881
- I can carry you.
- Kumail, seriously, stop.
00:32:27.905 --> 00:32:28.823
I can carry you
the rest of the day.
00:32:28.906 --> 00:32:29.906
Stop.
00:32:33.620 --> 00:32:35.455
Hey, I liked your friends.
00:32:36.164 --> 00:32:37.832
That Craig guy?
00:32:38.666 --> 00:32:39.876
Or was it Greg?
00:32:39.959 --> 00:32:42.170
You know, I can never tell
with those names.
00:32:43.087 --> 00:32:44.982
I'm glad I like him 'cause
I don't want have to, like,
00:32:45.006 --> 00:32:47.008
come up with excuses
to avoid him, you know?
00:32:47.091 --> 00:32:50.887
Like... Like, "Oh, no.
I have kite-surfing tonight."
00:32:51.763 --> 00:32:55.099
You know, in the UK,
Craig is pronounced Crayg,
00:32:55.683 --> 00:32:58.311
which is good 'cause that's
how it's written, right?
00:32:58.686 --> 00:33:00.938
Anyway, he's a great guy.
00:33:03.900 --> 00:33:05.568
I was gonna
tell you about that.
00:33:06.235 --> 00:33:09.489
Are you judging Pakistan's
Next Top Model or something?
00:33:09.572 --> 00:33:11.949
- No.
- Seriously.
00:33:12.033 --> 00:33:13.993
- Who are these women?
- Okay, um...
00:33:14.327 --> 00:33:16.537
You know how we have
arranged marriage in my culture?
00:33:18.414 --> 00:33:19.707
These are those women.
00:33:20.333 --> 00:33:23.086
These are women in Pakistan
who want to marry you?
00:33:23.419 --> 00:33:24.629
They're not in Pakistan.
00:33:25.254 --> 00:33:26.255
You've met these women?
00:33:26.339 --> 00:33:29.258
Just with my parents and
stuff, but we haven't, like...
00:33:29.592 --> 00:33:31.678
But you're not serious
about this, are you?
00:33:31.761 --> 00:33:34.514
It's my mom's thing.
I just go along with it.
00:33:35.765 --> 00:33:38.101
So, what does your mom
think about you and me then?
00:33:41.771 --> 00:33:43.564
She doesn't know about me,
does she?
00:33:45.566 --> 00:33:46.651
No.
00:33:54.826 --> 00:33:56.285
- Emily, just...
- Fuck!
00:33:56.369 --> 00:33:57.649
Five fucking months
of red flags.
00:33:58.204 --> 00:33:59.455
Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.
00:34:01.082 --> 00:34:02.542
You ducking my parents.
00:34:02.834 --> 00:34:05.002
Oh, my God, the two-day rule.
00:34:05.086 --> 00:34:06.397
No, that had nothing
to do with it.
00:34:06.421 --> 00:34:08.089
Seriously.
Red flag after red flag.
00:34:09.424 --> 00:34:11.926
You're such a liar.
You lied to me.
00:34:12.009 --> 00:34:13.469
You lied to your parents.
00:34:14.262 --> 00:34:15.972
And those are just
the people you like.
00:34:16.431 --> 00:34:18.433
Is there someone that
you're not lying to?
00:34:18.766 --> 00:34:20.806
I'd love to meet them because
then I could tell them
00:34:20.852 --> 00:34:22.663
- what a fucking liar you are!
- You know what?
00:34:22.687 --> 00:34:24.623
You didn't tell me about
your divorce until recently.
00:34:24.647 --> 00:34:26.482
So, you were hiding
fucking something, too.
00:34:26.607 --> 00:34:30.403
My divorce does not mean
that our future is impossible.
00:34:30.486 --> 00:34:32.113
It actually means
the direct opposite.
00:34:32.321 --> 00:34:34.657
I'm not hiding anything
from you. Okay?
00:34:34.907 --> 00:34:36.159
I'm an open fucking book.
00:34:36.242 --> 00:34:38.286
You want to know
what's in my cigar box?
00:34:39.078 --> 00:34:40.079
Stickers.
00:34:40.538 --> 00:34:41.456
Stickers and stamps.
00:34:41.539 --> 00:34:43.267
Aren't you a therapist?
Aren't you supposed to be good
00:34:43.291 --> 00:34:45.611
- at handling this kind of...
- Where are my fucking shoes?
00:34:46.586 --> 00:34:48.796
Aren't you supposed to be,
like, able to deal with this
00:34:48.880 --> 00:34:50.548
better than you are right now?
00:34:50.757 --> 00:34:52.633
I am expressing myself!
00:34:55.178 --> 00:34:58.014
You know what we call arranged
marriage in Pakistan, Emily?
00:34:58.306 --> 00:35:01.309
Marriage. Okay?
We just call it marriage.
00:35:01.684 --> 00:35:02.602
There's another type
of marriage.
00:35:02.685 --> 00:35:04.079
It's called love marriage,
and that's bad.
00:35:04.103 --> 00:35:05.539
My cousin Rehan
married an Irish woman,
00:35:05.563 --> 00:35:07.148
and he was kicked
out of the family.
00:35:07.231 --> 00:35:10.193
Nobody is allowed
to talk to him.
00:35:10.276 --> 00:35:11.628
Why didn't you tell me
any of this?
00:35:11.652 --> 00:35:13.422
Because I didn't think
you'd fucking understand,
00:35:13.446 --> 00:35:14.781
and I was fucking right.
00:35:15.323 --> 00:35:16.240
You don't think that I could
00:35:16.324 --> 00:35:17.342
fathom your life
in any fucking way?
00:35:17.366 --> 00:35:18.677
Oh, you think you could
understand me?
00:35:18.701 --> 00:35:20.536
I'm fighting
a 1,400-year-old culture.
00:35:20.620 --> 00:35:22.413
You were ugly in high school.
00:35:22.497 --> 00:35:24.332
There's a big
fucking difference.
00:35:26.626 --> 00:35:27.877
I'm sorry.
00:35:31.297 --> 00:35:32.757
I can't lose my family.
00:35:38.429 --> 00:35:40.807
Can you imagine
a world in w...
00:35:42.725 --> 00:35:44.519
In which we end up together?
00:35:48.773 --> 00:35:49.982
I don't know.
00:35:55.196 --> 00:35:56.322
I have to go.
00:35:57.448 --> 00:35:59.033
Don't fucking call me.
00:36:03.329 --> 00:36:06.457
Multigrain, pumpernickel,
00:36:06.666 --> 00:36:11.087
pita bread, hot dog bun,
croutons.
00:36:11.254 --> 00:36:12.839
I can't eat any of it.
00:36:14.382 --> 00:36:15.591
I don't want kids.
00:36:16.008 --> 00:36:19.387
People say, "Sam,
you're gonna love it.
00:36:19.595 --> 00:36:20.906
"This kid...
You're gonna have a kid,
00:36:20.930 --> 00:36:22.223
"he's gonna be
your best friend."
00:36:22.431 --> 00:36:24.183
A best friend that...
00:36:24.308 --> 00:36:26.435
that pukes on you
and shits everywhere
00:36:26.519 --> 00:36:27.621
and is constantly screaming.
00:36:27.645 --> 00:36:29.522
I already have friends
like that.
00:36:29.689 --> 00:36:31.409
People say, "Sam..."
00:36:31.524 --> 00:36:33.284
I know you're bummed,
all right, but, like...
00:36:33.609 --> 00:36:35.489
Emily's a good person.
I'm not saying she's not.
00:36:35.570 --> 00:36:37.090
All I'm saying is,
this is the universe
00:36:37.154 --> 00:36:39.407
telling you,
"Seize your moment.
00:36:39.490 --> 00:36:41.325
"Be a little selfish
and pursue your career."
00:36:41.492 --> 00:36:43.202
Bob Dalavan's gonna be here
on Thursday.
00:36:43.286 --> 00:36:44.721
If you get the Montreal
Comedy Festival,
00:36:44.745 --> 00:36:46.289
it would change things
for you.
00:36:46.789 --> 00:36:48.267
You don't want to get stuck
in Chicago, right?
00:36:48.291 --> 00:36:50.293
You don't want to end up
like Sam Highsmith,
00:36:50.376 --> 00:36:52.336
who's been doing
the "People say Sam" bit
00:36:52.420 --> 00:36:53.504
since '03.
00:36:53.588 --> 00:36:55.190
I don't like kids.
00:36:55.214 --> 00:36:56.799
- People say, "Sam..."
- See?
00:36:56.883 --> 00:36:58.151
- Is that what you want?
- It's like...
00:36:58.175 --> 00:36:59.486
Is that what you want
for your life?
00:36:59.510 --> 00:37:01.846
It's amazing.
And it's the same material.
00:37:01.929 --> 00:37:03.532
- What do people say?
- Sam.
00:37:03.556 --> 00:37:04.908
- People say what?
- Sam.
00:37:04.932 --> 00:37:06.642
I'm Sam Highsmith.
Thank you very much.
00:37:06.726 --> 00:37:08.120
You know what,
I'm gonna tell him...
00:37:08.144 --> 00:37:09.770
- He's a hack.
- ...how I feel about it.
00:37:09.854 --> 00:37:10.914
- Fucking tell him.
- Never writes anything new.
00:37:10.938 --> 00:37:12.165
- I'm gonna tell him...
- It's fucking bullshit.
00:37:12.189 --> 00:37:13.709
- Great set, dude.
- I'm feeling it, bro.
00:37:13.733 --> 00:37:15.693
- Killing me, man.
- Crushing. Love the new stuff.
00:37:17.028 --> 00:37:18.130
We should be ashamed
of ourselves.
00:37:18.154 --> 00:37:19.405
We're weak. We're weak.
00:37:19.739 --> 00:37:21.741
I wouldn't call it
an obsession,
00:37:21.824 --> 00:37:23.409
but I'm pretty good at magic.
00:37:23.534 --> 00:37:25.244
Yeah.
00:37:25.661 --> 00:37:27.288
Can you make
his belly disappear?
00:37:27.371 --> 00:37:29.165
- Oh.
- Come on.
00:37:29.248 --> 00:37:30.625
I'm too happy with my belly.
00:37:30.708 --> 00:37:31.751
Does anyone have a dollar?
00:37:32.126 --> 00:37:33.669
- I will give you something.
- Okay.
00:37:34.712 --> 00:37:37.006
Twenty? Big spender.
00:37:37.465 --> 00:37:38.925
All right. Andrew Jackson.
00:37:39.008 --> 00:37:41.010
Don't you think
he would look cool
00:37:41.093 --> 00:37:42.720
with a pair of sunglasses?
00:37:43.888 --> 00:37:46.057
Yeah, I really...
00:37:47.516 --> 00:37:50.353
- Okay. Mmm.
- Okay.
00:37:51.270 --> 00:37:52.414
- Oh, he's... Okay.
- Right?
00:37:52.438 --> 00:37:55.024
- Okay, stylish.
- Yes. Mmm-hmm.
00:37:55.691 --> 00:37:56.609
Okay.
00:37:56.692 --> 00:37:58.611
And now we sprinkle
the magic dust on.
00:37:58.819 --> 00:37:59.862
Just a little bit.
00:37:59.946 --> 00:38:01.548
Yeah, you can't do it
without the magic dust. Yeah.
00:38:01.572 --> 00:38:03.282
No, yeah, I need it.
All right.
00:38:04.575 --> 00:38:06.118
- Abracadabra.
- Okay.
00:38:07.203 --> 00:38:09.372
- Watching carefully.
- Mmm-hmm.
00:38:13.084 --> 00:38:14.126
That is amazing.
00:38:14.502 --> 00:38:16.587
And he does look better
with glasses.
00:38:16.671 --> 00:38:17.922
- Right?
- He does.
00:38:18.005 --> 00:38:18.839
How did you do that?
00:38:18.923 --> 00:38:20.716
Oh, no, a magician never
reveals her tricks.
00:38:21.926 --> 00:38:23.469
Here's your 20 back,
Mr. Nanjiani.
00:38:23.552 --> 00:38:25.930
Do you think I can use this
$20 bill now to buy something?
00:38:26.013 --> 00:38:27.390
It look better now, right?
00:38:32.353 --> 00:38:34.605
I was watching this
monster movie with my friend.
00:38:34.814 --> 00:38:36.254
And he turned to me,
and he was like,
00:38:36.399 --> 00:38:38.234
"What would you do
in that situation?"
00:38:39.026 --> 00:38:41.821
I'm never gonna be one
of the last guys alive.
00:38:42.029 --> 00:38:43.906
I'm gonna be
the first guy to die.
00:38:44.323 --> 00:38:46.951
I die so the other characters
get to find out
00:38:47.034 --> 00:38:48.703
that something weird's
going on.
00:38:49.245 --> 00:38:51.205
I go off alone
to find the cat.
00:38:53.541 --> 00:38:56.627
I never even find out
that there were monsters.
00:38:57.128 --> 00:39:00.423
To me, the plot of the movie was
we're at a research facility
00:39:00.506 --> 00:39:02.091
and the cat's missing!
00:39:02.466 --> 00:39:03.819
The end.
00:39:03.843 --> 00:39:06.929
Denise, this...
00:39:07.722 --> 00:39:09.140
...is your name in Urdu.
00:39:09.223 --> 00:39:11.183
Wow, that is so cool.
00:39:12.476 --> 00:39:14.395
- Kumail?
- Hey.
00:39:14.478 --> 00:39:17.231
- Hey, Bob Dalavan.
- Yeah. I know you.
00:39:17.815 --> 00:39:21.652
Some very interesting premises
in your set tonight.
00:39:21.736 --> 00:39:23.154
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.
00:39:23.237 --> 00:39:24.923
I just wanted you to know.
I'm about to take off.
00:39:24.947 --> 00:39:27.742
But you made it to the finals
for the Montreal showcase.
00:39:27.825 --> 00:39:29.326
Oh, my God. Thank you.
00:39:29.410 --> 00:39:30.786
- You, too, Mary.
- Oh!
00:39:30.995 --> 00:39:32.413
- Okay.
- Okay.
00:39:32.955 --> 00:39:34.248
So we'll see you guys
up there.
00:39:34.498 --> 00:39:35.726
- Yeah.
- We'll be in touch.
00:39:35.750 --> 00:39:38.085
- Well, what about C-Dog?
- Who's that?
00:39:39.045 --> 00:39:40.421
Uh, me. What about me?
00:39:40.504 --> 00:39:41.756
Oh, you know what?
00:39:42.965 --> 00:39:44.216
Funny stuff, okay?
00:39:49.388 --> 00:39:50.723
I'll walk you out.
00:39:52.850 --> 00:39:55.895
Hey, do you want
to go somewhere?
00:39:56.395 --> 00:39:57.897
Yeah, let's go somewhere.
00:40:16.582 --> 00:40:17.582
Hello?
00:40:17.792 --> 00:40:19.335
Kumail, it's Jessie.
00:40:20.544 --> 00:40:21.754
Hey. Who?
00:40:22.046 --> 00:40:24.006
Jessie.
I'm in school with Emily.
00:40:24.256 --> 00:40:25.400
Listen,
Emily's in the hospital.
00:40:25.424 --> 00:40:26.904
She has a really bad flu
or something.
00:40:27.593 --> 00:40:28.427
What?
00:40:28.511 --> 00:40:30.012
Could you just go, please?
00:40:30.096 --> 00:40:32.223
We need someone there.
We have exams tomorrow,
00:40:32.306 --> 00:40:33.891
so nobody else can go.
00:40:34.141 --> 00:40:35.392
She's still in the ER.
00:40:35.726 --> 00:40:36.995
Could you just go
and sit with her,
00:40:37.019 --> 00:40:38.259
and then drive her home,
please?
00:40:38.437 --> 00:40:39.855
I was there
for as long as I could,
00:40:39.939 --> 00:40:41.273
but I had to leave.
00:40:54.870 --> 00:40:57.248
Hi. I'm looking
for Emily Gardner.
00:40:58.415 --> 00:41:01.502
Um... Emily Gardner.
She was checked in...
00:41:30.865 --> 00:41:31.865
Hey.
00:41:34.160 --> 00:41:35.286
What are you doing here?
00:41:35.369 --> 00:41:36.912
Um, Jessie called me
00:41:36.996 --> 00:41:40.499
and wanted me to make sure
you were okay.
00:41:43.752 --> 00:41:44.980
- So how are you doing?
- Fine.
00:41:45.004 --> 00:41:46.839
I'm totally fine.
Never been better.
00:41:46.922 --> 00:41:48.549
A 1,000% fine.
00:41:48.924 --> 00:41:51.177
Just, like, fainted a little
at work.
00:41:51.969 --> 00:41:53.429
I didn't have breakfast
this morning.
00:41:54.471 --> 00:41:56.557
Breakfast, the most important
meal of the day.
00:41:56.640 --> 00:41:57.640
You know that.
00:41:59.143 --> 00:42:01.854
Ms. Gardner, your room
will be ready soon, okay?
00:42:01.937 --> 00:42:03.939
Oh, no, no, actually,
I would just love to go home
00:42:04.023 --> 00:42:05.065
and sleep in my own bed.
00:42:05.149 --> 00:42:07.526
Sir, can you step outside
for a moment, please?
00:42:08.277 --> 00:42:10.422
If you want to stay, you have
to go to the security desk
00:42:10.446 --> 00:42:11.280
and get a pass.
00:42:11.363 --> 00:42:12.843
All right.
Where is the security desk?
00:42:13.032 --> 00:42:14.658
It's downstairs,
00:42:15.117 --> 00:42:17.494
exactly where you walked in
at the security desk.
00:42:18.120 --> 00:42:21.040
The security desk is
at the security desk. Got it.
00:42:23.000 --> 00:42:24.240
Can I get you something?
00:42:24.376 --> 00:42:27.546
Water? Juice? Coffee?
00:42:30.883 --> 00:42:32.509
May I speak with you
for a second?
00:42:34.470 --> 00:42:35.512
I'll be right back.
00:42:37.723 --> 00:42:39.642
There's a massive infection
in her lungs,
00:42:39.725 --> 00:42:41.227
and all her vitals
are elevated.
00:42:41.477 --> 00:42:42.937
Does she have HIV?
00:42:43.604 --> 00:42:45.105
What? No. I mean, she...
00:42:45.189 --> 00:42:47.399
- Are you her husband?
- No.
00:42:47.566 --> 00:42:49.085
Oh, we need to intubate her
immediately.
00:42:49.109 --> 00:42:50.527
I need a family member
to sign this.
00:42:50.611 --> 00:42:53.072
So I'm gonna ask you again,
are you her husband?
00:42:53.155 --> 00:42:54.698
What does,
uh, "intubate" mean?
00:42:54.949 --> 00:42:56.676
We have to put her
on a respirator, and to do that,
00:42:56.700 --> 00:42:58.744
we need to put her
in a medically-induced coma.
00:43:00.454 --> 00:43:01.914
- Coma?
- Yes.
00:43:01.997 --> 00:43:04.208
To stabilize her so we can
work on the infection.
00:43:04.291 --> 00:43:06.126
And it needs to happen
right now.
00:43:06.210 --> 00:43:08.796
So, I'm gonna ask you
one last time,
00:43:09.129 --> 00:43:11.006
are you her husband?
00:43:18.597 --> 00:43:19.932
What's going on?
00:43:20.307 --> 00:43:22.518
- What's going on?
- You're gonna be okay.
00:43:22.601 --> 00:43:24.401
- Just relax and...
- Where are you taking me?
00:43:36.282 --> 00:43:37.825
You should call her family.
00:44:02.891 --> 00:44:04.309
Sorry.
00:44:22.703 --> 00:44:24.329
Hey, Mrs. Gardner, um,
00:44:24.413 --> 00:44:26.165
this is Kumail,
Emily's friend.
00:44:26.248 --> 00:44:28.167
Uh, sorry to call you so late.
00:44:28.333 --> 00:44:30.210
Um, Emily's... Emily's fine.
00:44:30.294 --> 00:44:32.463
Just want to get that
taken care of. She's fine.
00:44:32.588 --> 00:44:36.008
Um, she is at City View
Hospital in Chicago
00:44:36.717 --> 00:44:37.843
in a medically-induced coma,
00:44:37.926 --> 00:44:39.386
but the doctors say
that all...
00:44:41.138 --> 00:44:42.681
Yes, I did say "coma."
00:45:31.355 --> 00:45:33.565
Hey. I'm Kumail.
00:45:37.027 --> 00:45:38.362
We know who you are, Kumail.
00:45:38.779 --> 00:45:40.113
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,
00:45:40.197 --> 00:45:41.907
the doctors would like
to see you now.
00:45:43.158 --> 00:45:44.576
I'll be right back.
00:45:55.712 --> 00:45:57.840
Uh, listen, the doctor
will be here any minute.
00:45:57.923 --> 00:45:59.466
She's just running
a little late.
00:46:00.759 --> 00:46:03.220
Don't read anything into this
being the bereavement room.
00:46:03.554 --> 00:46:05.180
It's the only room
we had available.
00:46:05.389 --> 00:46:07.683
- Okay. Thank you. Okay.
- Okay.
00:46:18.777 --> 00:46:20.654
- Terry, Terry, I... I...
- It's...
00:46:20.737 --> 00:46:22.739
- It's driving me insane.
- Yes, I know, I know,
00:46:22.823 --> 00:46:23.943
but it makes me feel better.
00:46:25.117 --> 00:46:26.243
I just...
00:46:27.160 --> 00:46:29.872
Hello. No. Please sit.
Please sit.
00:46:30.163 --> 00:46:32.958
I'm Dr. Cunningham,
Emily's attending.
00:46:33.500 --> 00:46:35.210
I'll be coordinating
all the doctors
00:46:35.294 --> 00:46:37.337
and orchestrating
her treatment strategy.
00:46:37.629 --> 00:46:39.172
All the doctors?
How many are there?
00:46:39.256 --> 00:46:40.549
- Five.
- Five?
00:46:40.883 --> 00:46:42.723
Why so many? I mean, is that...
is that normal?
00:46:42.801 --> 00:46:45.137
Yes. It's standard
for patients in the ICU.
00:46:45.554 --> 00:46:47.031
We come at it
from many angles, we confer...
00:46:47.055 --> 00:46:47.890
After assessing her,
00:46:47.973 --> 00:46:50.225
we immediately initiated
orotracheal intubation.
00:46:50.309 --> 00:46:52.245
Thankfully, it hasn't affected
her heart at this point.
00:46:52.269 --> 00:46:54.309
We don't know the exact
nature of the infection yet,
00:46:54.605 --> 00:46:56.565
but we got her on a broad
spectrum of antibiotics.
00:46:56.607 --> 00:46:57.807
...battling critical infection
00:46:57.858 --> 00:46:59.294
centering around
the costodiaphragmatic recess.
00:46:59.318 --> 00:47:01.361
Our theory
is methicillin-resistant
00:47:01.445 --> 00:47:02.445
staphylococcus aureus.
00:47:02.487 --> 00:47:03.756
Staphyl...
Hold on. That's a "P"?
00:47:03.780 --> 00:47:04.615
Yeah.
00:47:04.698 --> 00:47:05.574
That's an "F" or a "P-H"?
00:47:05.657 --> 00:47:07.200
P-H. No.
It's staphylococcus...
00:47:17.711 --> 00:47:19.671
That was very reassuring,
wasn't it?
00:47:22.049 --> 00:47:25.260
Apparently, there are good
and bad comas,
00:47:25.344 --> 00:47:28.013
and the kind
that they put her in,
00:47:28.096 --> 00:47:29.991
the medically-induced coma,
are definitely, like,
00:47:30.015 --> 00:47:31.725
the good kind of coma.
00:47:37.105 --> 00:47:40.275
Like... You know how
there are good and bad carbs?
00:47:46.615 --> 00:47:48.784
Gremlins.
Those can be good or bad.
00:47:48.867 --> 00:47:50.535
Listen, Kumail... Uh...
00:47:51.954 --> 00:47:54.414
We're gonna handle things
from here, okay?
00:47:54.498 --> 00:47:55.707
You've been very helpful.
00:47:56.249 --> 00:47:59.127
Thank you for...
For signing the thing, and...
00:47:59.211 --> 00:48:00.420
Yeah, my pleasure.
00:48:00.504 --> 00:48:02.047
But, uh, you can go now.
00:48:03.173 --> 00:48:05.050
- Okay. Um...
- All right?
00:48:05.300 --> 00:48:06.300
All right.
00:48:09.054 --> 00:48:10.514
Peace in the Mideast.
00:48:17.479 --> 00:48:18.479
What about this?
00:48:18.522 --> 00:48:20.399
I saw a sniffer dog
at the airport.
00:48:20.649 --> 00:48:21.775
He had a boner.
00:48:21.858 --> 00:48:23.735
Does that mean drugs or bombs?
00:48:24.611 --> 00:48:25.612
That's good. What if...
00:48:25.696 --> 00:48:27.406
What if instead of it
being at the airport,
00:48:27.781 --> 00:48:30.534
you quit comedy and never
do comedy ever again?
00:48:30.617 --> 00:48:31.451
Yeah.
00:48:31.535 --> 00:48:32.828
Fuck you!
It's a good bit.
00:48:32.911 --> 00:48:33.745
That's a funny bit.
00:48:33.829 --> 00:48:35.431
Just for the sake of the public
that they wouldn't have
00:48:35.455 --> 00:48:37.308
to look at your face
or hear your words. That's...
00:48:37.332 --> 00:48:39.126
Hey, it's okay
that I'm not there, right?
00:48:40.377 --> 00:48:43.171
Like... I don't need
to be there, right?
00:48:43.588 --> 00:48:44.798
What's up? What happened?
00:48:45.173 --> 00:48:46.758
He put his girlfriend
in a coma.
00:48:46.842 --> 00:48:48.010
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
00:48:48.218 --> 00:48:50.154
- You know, the way you do.
- She's not my girlfriend.
00:48:50.178 --> 00:48:51.378
He didn't, but he signed
00:48:51.430 --> 00:48:53.849
a paper that allowed doctors
to put...
00:48:54.224 --> 00:48:55.224
He suggested it.
00:48:55.517 --> 00:48:56.619
She's gonna be fine.
00:48:56.643 --> 00:48:58.788
She's gonna be fine. They said
she's gonna be fine, so...
00:48:58.812 --> 00:49:00.981
They're gonna be fine.
Doctors know medical stuff.
00:49:01.064 --> 00:49:01.982
Mmm-hmm.
00:49:02.065 --> 00:49:03.960
That's what doctors do.
They're good at medical stuff.
00:49:03.984 --> 00:49:05.902
This is a medically-induced
coma.
00:49:05.986 --> 00:49:07.446
This is their specialty.
00:49:07.529 --> 00:49:08.405
Maybe.
00:49:08.488 --> 00:49:09.799
You know,
it might be a good thing.
00:49:09.823 --> 00:49:11.423
Like, she might wake up
with a new skill.
00:49:11.450 --> 00:49:13.368
Like, my cousin, uh,
blacked out once, and then,
00:49:13.452 --> 00:49:15.704
when he came to, he thought
he knew a different language.
00:49:16.121 --> 00:49:17.831
- Did he?
- No. Apparently, it was...
00:49:17.914 --> 00:49:19.624
It was just gibberish
that he made up.
00:49:19.708 --> 00:49:20.917
It was brain damage.
00:49:24.337 --> 00:49:25.797
I got
another Taco Bell one.
00:49:42.647 --> 00:49:43.774
Did you forget somethin'?
00:49:44.858 --> 00:49:46.818
- Is she up yet?
- No, she's not.
00:49:46.902 --> 00:49:48.862
And, uh, they won't
tell us anything.
00:49:49.738 --> 00:49:51.323
We've been here all morning.
00:49:52.282 --> 00:49:54.618
I know you guys said
that you don't need me to stay,
00:49:54.701 --> 00:49:56.787
but I think I'm just
gonna wait anyway.
00:49:56.870 --> 00:49:57.954
You guys broke up.
00:49:58.038 --> 00:50:00.874
I'm not sure why you're here.
00:50:03.543 --> 00:50:05.128
You don't have to worry
00:50:05.212 --> 00:50:06.852
about being committed
to anything, Kumail.
00:50:07.047 --> 00:50:08.524
You didn't want to
when she was awake.
00:50:08.548 --> 00:50:10.842
There's no need to do it
when she's unconscious.
00:50:11.301 --> 00:50:13.011
It's more complicated
than that.
00:50:13.095 --> 00:50:15.680
Is it? 'Cause I know
about the two-day rule.
00:50:16.389 --> 00:50:18.517
I know about the head shots
and the secrets.
00:50:19.142 --> 00:50:20.477
She tells us everything.
00:50:20.811 --> 00:50:23.730
You really don't
have to stay, Kumail.
00:50:23.814 --> 00:50:26.316
You have already done
a lot.
00:50:28.235 --> 00:50:30.028
I'm just gonna stay
for a second.
00:50:32.572 --> 00:50:34.616
Is this seat... Okay.
00:50:51.258 --> 00:50:53.760
Is... Is that lady
still looking at me?
00:50:59.432 --> 00:51:00.600
Oh. Hey.
00:51:06.773 --> 00:51:09.067
Mr. Cuevas,
please see Dr. Toscado.
00:51:09.776 --> 00:51:11.736
Mr. Cuevas,
please see Dr. Toscado.
00:51:12.320 --> 00:51:13.320
Yeah.
00:51:13.363 --> 00:51:15.740
Yeah, come on.
There's no reason, uh...
00:51:16.741 --> 00:51:18.910
Should eat there by yourself,
right, hon?
00:51:19.286 --> 00:51:20.537
It's a free country.
00:51:26.918 --> 00:51:28.086
How's your sandwich?
00:51:28.753 --> 00:51:30.463
Best fuckin' sandwich
I ever had.
00:51:33.383 --> 00:51:34.676
Mine's good.
00:51:35.969 --> 00:51:38.096
Tuna's always a gamble, but,
00:51:38.722 --> 00:51:39.991
you know,
we're not by the water.
00:51:40.015 --> 00:51:42.642
Well, we are by the water.
But it's a lake.
00:51:43.894 --> 00:51:45.520
There's no tuna in the lake.
00:51:47.480 --> 00:51:49.858
Whatever.
I... I threw the dice.
00:51:51.359 --> 00:51:54.196
I got the sevens, I guess.
00:51:54.362 --> 00:51:56.364
Whatever... Whatever
the good dice number is.
00:51:56.990 --> 00:51:58.158
So, uh...
00:51:59.367 --> 00:52:00.577
9/11.
00:52:03.663 --> 00:52:04.789
No, I mean...
00:52:05.248 --> 00:52:07.626
I've always wanted
to have a conversation with...
00:52:08.168 --> 00:52:09.168
About it.
00:52:09.294 --> 00:52:13.256
With... people.
00:52:14.090 --> 00:52:16.468
You've never talked
to people about 9/11?
00:52:16.801 --> 00:52:19.429
No, what's your...
What's your stance?
00:52:20.722 --> 00:52:22.724
What's my stance on 9/11?
00:52:23.516 --> 00:52:24.976
Oh, um...
00:52:26.686 --> 00:52:27.686
Anti.
00:52:28.271 --> 00:52:29.564
It was a tragedy.
00:52:30.774 --> 00:52:33.026
I mean,
we lost 19 of our best guys.
00:52:33.318 --> 00:52:34.444
Huh?
00:52:36.655 --> 00:52:38.365
That was a joke.
Obviously.
00:52:39.074 --> 00:52:41.076
9/11 was a terrible tragedy,
00:52:41.785 --> 00:52:44.412
and it's not funny
to joke about it.
00:52:44.496 --> 00:52:46.873
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,
00:52:46.957 --> 00:52:48.708
please report to the ICU.
00:52:49.417 --> 00:52:50.835
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner...
00:52:50.919 --> 00:52:52.879
- All right. Come on.
- To the ICU. Thank you.
00:52:52.963 --> 00:52:54.089
Hey, can I come?
00:52:54.172 --> 00:52:55.382
- No.
- Yeah.
00:52:56.341 --> 00:52:57.467
Yeah.
00:52:58.343 --> 00:52:59.552
Whatever.
00:53:00.553 --> 00:53:01.888
Hello, come in.
00:53:02.097 --> 00:53:03.515
Please, have a seat.
00:53:09.604 --> 00:53:11.481
I know this isn't the news
you were hoping for,
00:53:11.815 --> 00:53:14.025
but we aren't ready to bring
Emily out of the coma yet.
00:53:14.109 --> 00:53:15.109
Oh.
00:53:15.443 --> 00:53:17.279
Why? Uh, what happened?
00:53:17.362 --> 00:53:19.507
The antibiotics aren't doing
what we'd hoped they would,
00:53:19.531 --> 00:53:20.865
and we don't want
to mess around,
00:53:21.032 --> 00:53:23.076
so tomorrow morning,
we're gonna perform surgery
00:53:23.159 --> 00:53:24.160
to remove the infection.
00:53:24.244 --> 00:53:26.162
Oh, wait one second.
00:53:26.246 --> 00:53:29.040
Dr. Spellman told us that
the antibiotics would work.
00:53:29.124 --> 00:53:29.958
Yeah.
00:53:30.041 --> 00:53:31.978
I mean, he didn't say
anything at all about surgery.
00:53:32.002 --> 00:53:34.105
So what does that mean?
Surgery? What kind of surgery?
00:53:34.129 --> 00:53:36.589
It's called thoracentesis.
It's a very common procedure.
00:53:36.673 --> 00:53:40.010
We're gonna go in between the
ribs and remove the infection.
00:53:40.093 --> 00:53:41.988
How do you spell that,
please? And what is it?
00:53:42.012 --> 00:53:43.239
What's the name?
What's the last part?
00:53:43.263 --> 00:53:44.615
- Thora...
- And the infection is... is...
00:53:44.639 --> 00:53:45.700
- On the lung.
- "Thora" what? "Thora" what?
00:53:45.724 --> 00:53:46.599
- And we're going to remove it.
- What is it?
00:53:46.683 --> 00:53:49.102
Thoracentesis.
C-E-N-T-E-S-I-S.
00:53:49.185 --> 00:53:50.997
- And what's the risk?
- It's a common thing
00:53:51.021 --> 00:53:52.498
- that they do?
- Low. Yes.
00:53:52.522 --> 00:53:53.606
My advice to you
00:53:54.274 --> 00:53:56.985
is that you go home,
you get something to eat,
00:53:57.610 --> 00:53:59.029
and try to relax.
00:54:26.431 --> 00:54:28.058
She left the lights on, huh?
00:54:29.893 --> 00:54:31.603
My favorite sweater.
00:54:37.108 --> 00:54:39.486
- I'm gonna do some research.
- Oh, hey.
00:54:39.569 --> 00:54:41.071
That's the book I gave her.
00:54:41.696 --> 00:54:42.947
No, I gave her that one.
00:54:43.031 --> 00:54:45.742
Hey, do you have that little
notebook from the doctor's?
00:54:47.410 --> 00:54:48.888
- This is the book I gave her.
- Uh...
00:54:48.912 --> 00:54:50.792
I'm just gonna clean up
Emily's room real quick.
00:54:50.872 --> 00:54:52.082
No, I... I remember.
00:54:52.165 --> 00:54:53.875
I met her
at the Falafel place,
00:54:53.958 --> 00:54:55.543
and then we went
to that bookstore
00:54:55.627 --> 00:54:57.712
that's hardly ever open,
and I bought it for her.
00:54:57.796 --> 00:54:59.836
You're not the only one
who gives her things.
00:54:59.923 --> 00:55:00.924
What's up with you?
00:55:01.007 --> 00:55:02.360
I'm just tired
of you thinking
00:55:02.384 --> 00:55:03.611
you're the only one
who gives her things.
00:55:03.635 --> 00:55:04.719
I gave her that book.
00:55:05.136 --> 00:55:08.473
- Look at the inscription.
- No. No, that's stupid.
00:55:39.879 --> 00:55:41.214
- Hey, uh, Kumail.
- Hey.
00:55:42.090 --> 00:55:43.675
Oh. Hey. Sorry.
00:55:43.842 --> 00:55:45.093
Didn't mean to surprise you.
00:55:45.802 --> 00:55:47.613
I was just wondering,
are we gonna do anything?
00:55:47.637 --> 00:55:49.889
- You got any parlor games?
- I... I don't...
00:55:49.973 --> 00:55:51.182
What are parlor games?
00:55:51.516 --> 00:55:53.435
Card games.
Word games.
00:55:53.726 --> 00:55:54.811
Play any word games?
00:55:54.894 --> 00:55:56.938
- Um, no, I've never...
- You ever play...
00:55:57.730 --> 00:56:00.191
- You Can't Rhyme It?
- How does that go?
00:56:00.567 --> 00:56:02.235
It's... Eh, basically,
you know,
00:56:02.402 --> 00:56:04.446
you try to find out a word,
a real word,
00:56:04.529 --> 00:56:06.364
- that nobody can rhyme.
- Okay.
00:56:06.698 --> 00:56:07.782
- And then...
- Stonehenge.
00:56:09.993 --> 00:56:11.286
Yeah, see, you would win.
00:56:11.369 --> 00:56:12.849
- Ah. Hmm.
- Yeah. That'd be a winner.
00:56:13.913 --> 00:56:15.915
I don't play board games.
I play, like...
00:56:16.624 --> 00:56:18.185
- I play video games.
- That's the thing.
00:56:18.209 --> 00:56:20.062
Everybody now needs, like,
you know, a Nintendo.
00:56:20.086 --> 00:56:22.630
A game thing. The thing.
Electronics. $1,000.
00:56:22.922 --> 00:56:25.216
When I was a kid,
piece of chalk and a pavement,
00:56:25.300 --> 00:56:26.676
and that's your entertainment.
00:56:26.801 --> 00:56:28.678
Hopscotch. Tic-tac-toe.
00:56:28.970 --> 00:56:30.610
Throw the chalk at Jimmy.
00:56:30.847 --> 00:56:32.390
There you go.
Three games right there.
00:56:32.474 --> 00:56:33.600
Jimmy was a real guy?
00:56:33.683 --> 00:56:35.977
Yeah, well, I mean,
there was no particular Jimmy.
00:56:36.060 --> 00:56:37.455
You know, whoever got hit
with the chalk,
00:56:37.479 --> 00:56:39.290
he was the Jimmy.
00:56:39.314 --> 00:56:40.314
Uh...
00:56:40.607 --> 00:56:43.193
I'm just trying to figure out,
you know, what to do.
00:56:43.276 --> 00:56:45.320
Yeah. I...
Tonight's no good for me.
00:56:45.403 --> 00:56:46.696
I'd love to, but, um...
00:56:47.238 --> 00:56:50.950
I'm actually, uh...
I'm actually gigging tonight,
00:56:51.034 --> 00:56:52.827
which is, like,
an industry word we use
00:56:52.911 --> 00:56:55.163
for when we do,
like, shows and stuff, so...
00:56:55.246 --> 00:56:56.831
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:56:56.915 --> 00:56:59.459
There's a big Montreal Comedy
Festival audition coming up,
00:56:59.542 --> 00:57:02.629
and, um... I'm actually
headlining tonight, so, yeah.
00:57:02.921 --> 00:57:03.963
Oh, wow. Hey.
00:57:04.047 --> 00:57:05.590
I should... I should...
Run on out.
00:57:05.673 --> 00:57:07.359
Wow, that's cool. I haven't
been to a comedy club since...
00:57:07.383 --> 00:57:09.719
Oh, boy.
Since the '80s, right?
00:57:09.802 --> 00:57:11.513
Rita Rudner
over at Caroline's.
00:57:11.596 --> 00:57:13.515
- Remember that, hon?
- Christ. I...
00:57:13.598 --> 00:57:16.935
A pleural effusion
of the empyema.
00:57:17.101 --> 00:57:18.561
Maybe we should go, huh?
00:57:18.645 --> 00:57:20.289
Maybe we should go to Kumail's
show. What do you think?
00:57:20.313 --> 00:57:21.814
- Wouldn't that be fun?
- Oh, my God!
00:57:22.232 --> 00:57:25.151
- These... pictures are horrible.
- Okay, listen.
00:57:25.235 --> 00:57:26.795
Why don't we go
to the comedy club with him?
00:57:26.819 --> 00:57:28.964
And this... It'll take our
mind off of things right now.
00:57:28.988 --> 00:57:31.032
I don't want
to take my mind off it, Terry.
00:57:31.282 --> 00:57:32.951
Our daughter's having
surgery tomorrow.
00:57:33.034 --> 00:57:34.034
Please.
00:57:34.077 --> 00:57:35.917
- That's a fair point.
- Please, please listen.
00:57:36.287 --> 00:57:37.539
I need the distraction.
00:57:38.039 --> 00:57:39.624
- Well, then why don't you go?
- No.
00:57:39.707 --> 00:57:40.959
I want you to come with me.
00:57:41.167 --> 00:57:42.168
I don't want to go alone.
00:57:43.878 --> 00:57:46.923
Okay.
But I'm bringing my iPad.
00:57:47.006 --> 00:57:48.258
Ah, it's sold out.
00:57:48.716 --> 00:57:50.176
I should have said it
00:57:50.260 --> 00:57:52.804
before you guys
had the whole discussion.
00:57:53.096 --> 00:57:54.430
It sold out, like,
super quickly.
00:57:54.514 --> 00:57:56.274
They were shocked
at how quickly it sold out.
00:57:56.307 --> 00:57:58.685
- Like...
- Well, you can get us in.
00:57:59.477 --> 00:58:01.330
You're the headliner, right?
That's what you said.
00:58:01.354 --> 00:58:02.414
I mean,
if you're the headliner,
00:58:02.438 --> 00:58:03.314
you can get two more in,
right?
00:58:03.398 --> 00:58:05.149
- That's a good point.
- Yeah.
00:58:05.900 --> 00:58:07.986
We'll sit in the back, right?
We'll sit in the back.
00:58:08.111 --> 00:58:09.279
They got food there?
00:58:09.612 --> 00:58:12.156
Yeah, they've got
waffle fries and, um...
00:58:12.574 --> 00:58:13.658
Yeah.
00:58:16.119 --> 00:58:17.596
The hospital
had the waffle fries, too.
00:58:17.620 --> 00:58:18.620
Right.
00:58:20.498 --> 00:58:22.875
I... I actually have
never been to Pakistan.
00:58:22.959 --> 00:58:24.436
My parents moved here
for grad school,
00:58:24.460 --> 00:58:26.004
and then they just
stayed here.
00:58:26.462 --> 00:58:27.797
I've never even
been to Canada.
00:58:30.592 --> 00:58:33.511
So, um, when is Kumail coming?
00:58:33.595 --> 00:58:35.388
He's coming.
Right, NAVEED?
00:58:35.638 --> 00:58:37.056
- Ah. Huh.
- Traffic.
00:58:37.140 --> 00:58:39.601
I heard there's, uh,
bumper-to-bumper traffic
00:58:39.684 --> 00:58:41.060
on the Dan Ryan Expressway.
00:58:41.144 --> 00:58:42.830
- That's weird, because...
- You know, rush hour.
00:58:42.854 --> 00:58:45.148
I took the Dan Ryan
Expressway here.
00:58:48.234 --> 00:58:50.653
What is your dad's sister's
00:58:50.945 --> 00:58:53.990
favorite kind of music
to dance to?
00:58:54.324 --> 00:58:56.468
- Emily's parents are here.
- Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts.
00:58:56.492 --> 00:58:58.252
- Tonight? Why?
- Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt."
00:58:58.286 --> 00:58:59.495
It's "aunts." It's "aunts."
00:58:59.579 --> 00:59:00.913
All right, forget it.
All right.
00:59:01.956 --> 00:59:03.396
Uh, is anybody here
from out of town?
00:59:04.834 --> 00:59:06.127
All right, a few, a few.
00:59:06.252 --> 00:59:07.712
What's your name, sir?
00:59:08.129 --> 00:59:09.130
Uh, Terry.
00:59:09.297 --> 00:59:11.382
Terry. And, uh, who's this
lovely lady next to you?
00:59:11.466 --> 00:59:13.009
Oh, my God.
That's Emily's dad.
00:59:13.092 --> 00:59:14.802
Is that cloth?
Little terry cloth?
00:59:14.886 --> 00:59:16.846
It's Beth.
00:59:16.929 --> 00:59:18.765
Beth. That's pretty close.
00:59:18.848 --> 00:59:20.058
Why would he do this?
00:59:20.141 --> 00:59:21.476
Terry, Beth,
where you guys from?
00:59:21.559 --> 00:59:24.395
- We're from North Carolina.
- Ooh.
00:59:24.479 --> 00:59:27.065
North Carolina.
Tar Heel state.
00:59:27.148 --> 00:59:28.316
- Stop. Stop it.
- Oh.
00:59:28.399 --> 00:59:30.599
Home of Krispy Kreme donuts.
What brings you to Chicago?
00:59:31.694 --> 00:59:32.945
Our daughter's in a coma.
00:59:39.869 --> 00:59:42.205
Yeah, uh, how... What, uh...
Where are you from?
00:59:44.457 --> 00:59:45.875
Okay, it's getting late.
00:59:45.958 --> 00:59:47.293
- I should go.
- No, no, no.
00:59:47.377 --> 00:59:48.854
- Betho, betho. He will be here.
- Hold on, hold on.
00:59:48.878 --> 00:59:50.918
I think I should call him up.
I'll just call him up.
00:59:51.005 --> 00:59:52.298
Hello? Kum-beta?
00:59:52.924 --> 00:59:54.175
What do you mean,
who's calling?
00:59:54.258 --> 00:59:55.385
This is your father.
00:59:56.010 --> 00:59:57.178
Okay, okay, okay.
00:59:57.845 --> 00:59:58.971
He will be here any moment.
01:00:04.477 --> 01:00:07.105
I... I think I should
make something clear. Um...
01:00:37.343 --> 01:00:39.804
I want to name my kid Void,
01:00:40.138 --> 01:00:42.724
so he won't be able to cash
any of his paychecks.
01:00:44.308 --> 01:00:46.644
"I'm sorry, sir,
this says 'Void' on it."
01:00:47.061 --> 01:00:49.021
"But that's my name.
01:00:49.647 --> 01:00:51.983
"Curse you, Father!"
01:00:53.151 --> 01:00:55.069
I work on the second floor
of the bank
01:00:56.529 --> 01:00:59.699
- in this fantasy scenario.
- Go back to ISIS.
01:00:59.949 --> 01:01:02.109
Did he just say that?
01:01:02.827 --> 01:01:04.412
Toast is
a really strange food.
01:01:04.495 --> 01:01:05.639
What... What did you just say?
01:01:05.663 --> 01:01:06.765
You put bread,
and you make it...
01:01:06.789 --> 01:01:07.989
It was nothing.
Come on.
01:01:08.207 --> 01:01:10.334
I said he should
go back to ISIS.
01:01:12.503 --> 01:01:14.106
- Toast is the only food...
- No, I mean,
01:01:14.130 --> 01:01:16.048
that is a really confusing
position.
01:01:16.132 --> 01:01:18.009
I mean, do you want
ISIS to have more people?
01:01:18.217 --> 01:01:19.594
No, I was saying that...
01:01:19.677 --> 01:01:21.757
Guess what, everybody?
We got an ISIS recruiter here.
01:01:22.930 --> 01:01:24.690
All right, glad we got
to the bottom of that.
01:01:25.016 --> 01:01:26.058
Toast is like a...
01:01:26.142 --> 01:01:27.703
What is it about him
that made you say that?
01:01:27.727 --> 01:01:29.687
I think we know what
the answer is. I don't...
01:01:29.771 --> 01:01:30.831
Lady, I wasn't talking to you.
01:01:30.855 --> 01:01:31.939
What is it about him?
01:01:32.023 --> 01:01:32.857
We don't have to
go down this path.
01:01:32.940 --> 01:01:33.775
We know
what's at the end of it...
01:01:33.858 --> 01:01:35.109
'Cause of how he looks.
01:01:35.568 --> 01:01:37.403
There it is.
01:01:37.779 --> 01:01:38.946
That is like saying
01:01:39.030 --> 01:01:41.783
that all frat boys
wearing country club hats
01:01:41.866 --> 01:01:43.201
and Hawaiian shirts
01:01:43.284 --> 01:01:44.764
have shriveled-up,
tiny, little dicks.
01:01:45.953 --> 01:01:47.413
Okay, actually...
Actually, Beth,
01:01:47.497 --> 01:01:49.665
this is a bad way for you
to find out, but he's right.
01:01:49.832 --> 01:01:51.501
I actually am a terrorist.
01:01:52.210 --> 01:01:54.086
I just do stand-up comedy
on the side
01:01:54.170 --> 01:01:55.463
to keep a low profile.
01:01:55.546 --> 01:01:57.965
Fuck you.
01:01:58.424 --> 01:01:59.884
First of all, very clever.
01:02:00.134 --> 01:02:03.387
What? Did you...
Did you write that at home?
01:02:06.015 --> 01:02:07.015
Toast...
01:02:07.099 --> 01:02:08.017
- is a very strange...
- Fuck you!
01:02:08.100 --> 01:02:09.644
- Fuck you.
- No, fuck you.
01:02:09.727 --> 01:02:10.788
You're a bitch, you know that?
01:02:10.812 --> 01:02:12.605
Fuck you!
01:02:14.524 --> 01:02:16.067
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:02:16.150 --> 01:02:18.361
Hey, no. No, no, no, no.
No. Listen.
01:02:18.611 --> 01:02:20.154
Fucking kill you!
01:02:20.404 --> 01:02:22.448
What's your
fucking phone number?
01:02:25.201 --> 01:02:26.369
Sorry, everybody.
01:02:26.619 --> 01:02:28.454
I'm sorry.
01:02:28.704 --> 01:02:32.083
I... I'm not sorry, actually,
01:02:32.166 --> 01:02:34.418
'cause you're
a terrible person.
01:02:35.628 --> 01:02:37.922
I don't want to kick your ass
here in front of everybody.
01:02:38.214 --> 01:02:39.799
Yeah, that's right.
01:02:40.216 --> 01:02:42.009
I got levels, motherfucker.
Okay?
01:02:42.343 --> 01:02:44.554
This elevator goes
all the way fucking down,
01:02:44.637 --> 01:02:45.847
you fucking prick!
01:02:56.691 --> 01:02:58.025
I think I'll make tea.
01:03:00.570 --> 01:03:02.196
Actually, I'll open
a bottle of wine.
01:03:03.447 --> 01:03:05.825
Actually, um,
does Emily have whiskey?
01:03:06.284 --> 01:03:07.493
On top of the fridge.
01:03:09.036 --> 01:03:11.414
So, uh, Cubs doing good, huh?
01:03:12.665 --> 01:03:14.750
I don't know anything
about baseball.
01:03:14.959 --> 01:03:16.085
No? Hmm.
01:03:16.627 --> 01:03:18.170
I'm so sorry about that.
01:03:19.213 --> 01:03:20.506
That was...
01:03:22.675 --> 01:03:24.218
I just sort of lost control.
01:03:24.802 --> 01:03:26.596
- I thought it was sexy.
- Me, too.
01:03:28.264 --> 01:03:29.765
Not like sexy,
01:03:29.891 --> 01:03:34.186
but like cool sexy,
not like aroused sexy.
01:03:35.730 --> 01:03:37.315
I'm gonna not say
"sexy" anymore.
01:03:37.732 --> 01:03:39.412
Hey, you guys want
to get something to eat?
01:03:41.235 --> 01:03:42.421
I know
you guys got a formula.
01:03:42.445 --> 01:03:43.321
You know, I've been
to a couple shows now.
01:03:43.404 --> 01:03:44.488
So is it always like that?
01:03:44.739 --> 01:03:46.657
- Oh, like tonight?
- Yeah.
01:03:46.741 --> 01:03:49.285
No, usually a different mom
comes in to help me.
01:03:50.536 --> 01:03:52.079
I'm joking. No, it's...
01:03:52.163 --> 01:03:54.206
It's not always like that.
I'd quit if it was.
01:03:54.290 --> 01:03:56.417
- Here's a joke. No.
- No. Terry, don't.
01:03:56.751 --> 01:03:58.753
Terry's about as funny
as a fart at a funeral.
01:04:00.630 --> 01:04:02.149
No. This is funny.
This is a funny one.
01:04:02.173 --> 01:04:03.341
- Okay.
- All right.
01:04:04.050 --> 01:04:06.052
A giraffe walks into a bar,
01:04:06.385 --> 01:04:10.640
and he says to the bartender,
"Highballs on me."
01:04:13.434 --> 01:04:14.477
You get it, right?
01:04:14.852 --> 01:04:16.312
Oh, that was
the end of the joke?
01:04:16.395 --> 01:04:17.480
Yeah, of course it was.
01:04:17.563 --> 01:04:18.582
- That was the whole joke?
- That's the joke.
01:04:18.606 --> 01:04:19.899
That's the beauty of it. Boom.
01:04:19.982 --> 01:04:21.776
- I thought there was more.
- But you get it?
01:04:21.901 --> 01:04:23.736
He's giraffe, he's tall,
01:04:24.528 --> 01:04:28.908
so it would stand to reason,
his testicles are high.
01:04:28.991 --> 01:04:31.243
- Yeah.
- And a highball is a drink.
01:04:31.994 --> 01:04:34.538
And you ruined it by saying
I wasn't funny first.
01:04:34.622 --> 01:04:36.342
- That's what it was.
- No. No.
01:04:36.415 --> 01:04:37.875
No, it's good.
I like my jokes,
01:04:37.959 --> 01:04:39.251
like, thoroughly explained.
01:04:39.335 --> 01:04:41.146
You're just busting...
You're bustin' my highballs.
01:04:41.170 --> 01:04:42.210
Yeah.
01:04:44.131 --> 01:04:46.550
Hmm. Mmm-hmm.
01:04:46.634 --> 01:04:48.427
Complex finish,
flamboyant mouth-feel.
01:04:49.136 --> 01:04:50.262
Good. How about you?
01:04:50.346 --> 01:04:51.639
- My turn?
- Yeah.
01:04:54.100 --> 01:04:55.142
Mmm-hmm.
01:04:55.518 --> 01:04:56.519
Fruit-forward.
01:04:56.602 --> 01:04:58.604
Good term, absolutely.
Fruit-forward.
01:04:58.688 --> 01:04:59.768
- Yeah. No.
- I'm impressed.
01:04:59.814 --> 01:05:00.648
This one...
It's in the front seat.
01:05:00.731 --> 01:05:02.858
- It's driving the wine car.
- Exactly. It is.
01:05:02.942 --> 01:05:05.736
I like wine
'cause of the buzz.
01:05:06.112 --> 01:05:08.864
Mmm. She's a bit
of a lightweight, Beth.
01:05:08.948 --> 01:05:10.825
- So is Terry.
- Come on.
01:05:10.950 --> 01:05:13.119
He'll be passed out on the sofa
in less than an hour.
01:05:13.202 --> 01:05:15.663
Aah. That's nonsense.
You know that's not true.
01:05:15.871 --> 01:05:18.165
♪ You don't want
to see me hangin' on... ♪
01:05:18.249 --> 01:05:20.489
You weren't supposed to be
on the show tonight, were you?
01:05:20.543 --> 01:05:21.669
Oh, me, on the show tonight?
01:05:21.752 --> 01:05:23.295
Yeah, I was.
I was the headliner.
01:05:24.171 --> 01:05:26.507
♪ You said I was
a complicated boy ♪
01:05:26.590 --> 01:05:27.633
Okay.
01:05:29.468 --> 01:05:30.761
I lied about the show
01:05:30.845 --> 01:05:32.513
to get out of hanging out
with you guys,
01:05:33.597 --> 01:05:35.182
and then I lied
about headlining
01:05:35.683 --> 01:05:37.018
to impress you guys.
01:05:37.268 --> 01:05:38.644
Well, that didn't work.
01:05:40.646 --> 01:05:43.065
Also, I think I screwed up
with your daughter.
01:05:44.859 --> 01:05:46.068
Yeah.
01:05:46.986 --> 01:05:48.154
You did.
01:05:49.071 --> 01:05:52.033
I don't know how people do it
when their family's sick.
01:05:52.450 --> 01:05:54.660
My Uncle Lew, he got cancer.
01:05:54.744 --> 01:05:57.496
Then he had a stroke,
then a heart attack.
01:05:58.247 --> 01:05:59.433
Then he had a recurrence
of the cancer.
01:05:59.457 --> 01:06:00.559
But you know what killed him?
01:06:00.583 --> 01:06:02.126
- Cancer?
- Car accident.
01:06:03.085 --> 01:06:04.354
We think maybe
it was a heart attack
01:06:04.378 --> 01:06:07.131
while he was driving, and
he did still have cancer, too.
01:06:07.214 --> 01:06:08.299
And you know what?
01:06:09.258 --> 01:06:10.926
He ate sprouts
his whole fucking life.
01:06:12.178 --> 01:06:13.846
Hadn't had a yolk in 30 years.
01:06:16.432 --> 01:06:18.976
♪ Then I won't
stand in your way ♪
01:06:19.101 --> 01:06:21.103
I don't know how
I'm gonna sleep tonight.
01:06:22.563 --> 01:06:24.023
You want to stress eat?
01:06:24.398 --> 01:06:25.733
Fuck, yeah.
01:06:27.026 --> 01:06:28.152
Oh, my God.
01:06:28.235 --> 01:06:30.780
I know.
"Most noticeable."
01:06:32.323 --> 01:06:33.616
Oh, now, now,
hold on, hold on.
01:06:33.741 --> 01:06:35.242
There's more. Look.
01:06:36.410 --> 01:06:39.663
The legendary cemetery
photo shoot.
01:06:39.747 --> 01:06:41.582
Oh. Oh... My God.
01:06:41.874 --> 01:06:44.710
- Nah!
- Oh! Wow!
01:06:44.794 --> 01:06:46.712
Oh. I laughed so hard
when I saw these,
01:06:46.796 --> 01:06:48.422
she got so... So mad at me.
01:06:48.714 --> 01:06:49.840
You're gonna wake him up.
01:06:50.007 --> 01:06:52.051
Are you kidding? He could
sleep though anything.
01:06:52.134 --> 01:06:54.053
- Hey, Terry!
- Shh!
01:06:54.553 --> 01:06:55.930
How did you and Terry meet?
01:06:56.430 --> 01:06:59.767
I was, um, going
to East Carolina University.
01:07:00.184 --> 01:07:03.062
And I was, um, waiting tables,
01:07:03.145 --> 01:07:04.581
and, you know,
we met at this coffee shop.
01:07:04.605 --> 01:07:05.648
I was waiting on him,
01:07:05.731 --> 01:07:07.066
you know,
and I liked his hair.
01:07:08.734 --> 01:07:10.319
He was a teacher already,
you know.
01:07:10.736 --> 01:07:12.196
Thick New York accent,
01:07:12.279 --> 01:07:14.615
like... like nobody
I'd ever met, you know.
01:07:14.949 --> 01:07:16.283
Totally wrong for me.
01:07:16.575 --> 01:07:18.285
So, naturally,
we fell in love.
01:07:18.744 --> 01:07:20.913
My family could not stand him.
01:07:21.288 --> 01:07:23.833
We're all military people.
Army pilots.
01:07:23.916 --> 01:07:25.376
All my brothers
played football.
01:07:25.459 --> 01:07:26.779
Terry couldn't even
change a tire.
01:07:27.503 --> 01:07:29.630
My father got so mad at me,
01:07:30.923 --> 01:07:32.466
he broke every dinner plate
we had.
01:07:32.550 --> 01:07:36.095
Now back then, um,
you go to the gas station,
01:07:36.178 --> 01:07:37.978
you fill up your tank,
you get a dinner plate.
01:07:38.013 --> 01:07:38.848
Oh.
01:07:38.931 --> 01:07:40.408
But just one at a time,
like cup, saucer.
01:07:40.432 --> 01:07:42.935
It took a year of fill-ups
to get the whole set back.
01:07:43.352 --> 01:07:45.479
And Terry...
Terry just stuck around.
01:07:46.105 --> 01:07:47.273
Eventually,
01:07:47.731 --> 01:07:49.150
they just all got over it.
01:07:50.317 --> 01:07:52.111
- They just got over it?
- Mm-hmm.
01:07:52.862 --> 01:07:53.862
How?
01:07:54.029 --> 01:07:55.656
Lots of fucked-up dinners.
01:07:57.283 --> 01:07:58.742
How'd your parents meet,
Kumail?
01:08:00.161 --> 01:08:02.204
So we have arranged marriage,
as you know,
01:08:02.288 --> 01:08:05.583
and a big group got together
to go see a movie,
01:08:05.666 --> 01:08:07.501
but really
it was just a set-up
01:08:07.585 --> 01:08:09.295
so my mom and my dad
could meet.
01:08:10.296 --> 01:08:11.589
What movie did they see?
01:08:12.882 --> 01:08:14.133
I have no idea.
01:08:15.009 --> 01:08:16.218
I never asked.
01:08:19.597 --> 01:08:21.891
- She's great, you know?
- Yeah.
01:08:23.017 --> 01:08:24.101
I know.
01:08:25.060 --> 01:08:26.687
I feel good about the surgery.
01:08:27.688 --> 01:08:30.566
Yeah. Me, too. These doctors
know what they're doing.
01:08:30.649 --> 01:08:31.775
No, they don't.
01:08:33.319 --> 01:08:35.196
They're just winging it
like everybody else.
01:08:47.458 --> 01:08:51.003
Oh... fuck.
01:09:01.222 --> 01:09:02.324
Hey, it's me.
01:09:02.348 --> 01:09:05.601
So, um, I tried making
some Pakistani food,
01:09:05.684 --> 01:09:09.063
uh, to surprise you,
and either I'm a bad cook
01:09:09.146 --> 01:09:11.899
or all
Pakistani food is terrible.
01:09:11.982 --> 01:09:13.859
I don't know yet. Bye!
01:09:18.155 --> 01:09:21.033
Hey, it's me. Um, if you just
want to come over
01:09:21.116 --> 01:09:23.744
and, like, kiss me
for two seconds,
01:09:23.827 --> 01:09:25.746
I'd really love that tonight.
01:09:25.829 --> 01:09:27.790
Okay, bye.
01:09:31.377 --> 01:09:34.255
Hey, it's me. So, uh, did you
want to meet at the gallery?
01:09:34.338 --> 01:09:36.215
Oh, my God!
01:09:36.298 --> 01:09:37.341
Oh, my God!
01:09:37.424 --> 01:09:39.635
Oh, my God! A bird
just hit me in the head!
01:09:39.927 --> 01:09:41.387
Oh, my God! I'm not kidding!
01:09:43.180 --> 01:09:46.642
I'll call you right back.
Oh, my God, is it okay?
01:09:52.231 --> 01:09:54.483
The infection around the lungs
has been removed.
01:09:55.067 --> 01:09:56.544
We should be able
to pull her out soon.
01:09:56.568 --> 01:09:58.737
Oh, boy! Whew.
01:09:58.821 --> 01:10:00.990
Oh. Well, how soon?
01:10:01.073 --> 01:10:03.075
She should be up by tomorrow
morning at the latest.
01:10:03.492 --> 01:10:04.368
Oh, wow.
01:10:04.451 --> 01:10:06.870
We'll also test the pleural
fluid from the thoracentesis
01:10:06.954 --> 01:10:09.290
to create a more targeted
antibiotic strategy.
01:10:09.873 --> 01:10:13.127
- So this is good news?
- It's very good news.
01:10:13.210 --> 01:10:14.479
- Yeah.
- We'll just hold on to her
01:10:14.503 --> 01:10:16.543
for a few more days, and then
you can have her back.
01:10:16.588 --> 01:10:18.299
She's a fighter, right?
01:10:18.757 --> 01:10:19.757
Yes.
01:10:22.261 --> 01:10:23.304
I was so worried.
01:10:23.470 --> 01:10:25.306
We saw on the news
that a train derailed,
01:10:25.389 --> 01:10:26.783
and we thought that
you were on the train,
01:10:26.807 --> 01:10:27.891
and you had died.
01:10:27.975 --> 01:10:29.643
Nobody died on that train, Ma.
01:10:29.727 --> 01:10:31.047
But did they look
under the train?
01:10:31.228 --> 01:10:33.188
So where were you last night?
What were you doing?
01:10:33.230 --> 01:10:35.107
Nothing.
I wasn't doing anything.
01:10:35.399 --> 01:10:38.485
- Kumail?
- All right, I'll tell you.
01:10:38.569 --> 01:10:40.612
- Tell.
- I was...
01:10:41.530 --> 01:10:42.948
I was studying for the LSAT.
01:10:44.199 --> 01:10:46.243
- Really?
- Yup.
01:10:46.452 --> 01:10:51.457
I signed up, and if I pass,
I'm going to go to law school
01:10:51.623 --> 01:10:53.000
and become a lawyer
01:10:54.293 --> 01:10:55.586
and do law.
01:10:55.669 --> 01:10:57.254
Hmm.
01:10:57.338 --> 01:10:59.131
Oh, let me see
who that could be.
01:10:59.548 --> 01:11:01.300
- Really, Dad?
- What?
01:11:01.383 --> 01:11:03.194
You said that nobody was going
to come, it was just...
01:11:03.218 --> 01:11:04.529
- Gonna be just us.
- Kumail, do you know this guy?
01:11:04.553 --> 01:11:05.637
People say Sam!
01:11:06.305 --> 01:11:07.681
People say Sam!
Do you know him?
01:11:08.098 --> 01:11:08.932
Yeah, I know him.
01:11:09.016 --> 01:11:10.368
He should be on
Saturday Night Live.
01:11:10.392 --> 01:11:11.226
SNL.
01:11:11.310 --> 01:11:12.537
People don't say "Sam."
They say salaam.
01:11:12.561 --> 01:11:14.063
Everybody,
you remember Khadija?
01:11:14.563 --> 01:11:15.814
She just dropped in.
01:11:15.898 --> 01:11:17.441
She was just
in the neighborhood.
01:11:17.524 --> 01:11:21.028
And these are her parents,
Rahan and Tina.
01:11:21.904 --> 01:11:23.405
They also just dropped in.
01:11:35.417 --> 01:11:38.170
I've just been on
so many of these appointments,
01:11:38.587 --> 01:11:40.923
and I just never have anything
in common with the guys.
01:11:41.006 --> 01:11:41.840
Yeah.
01:11:41.924 --> 01:11:44.176
You know, when girls at work
complain to me about dating,
01:11:44.259 --> 01:11:46.261
I just...
I want to body-slam them.
01:11:46.345 --> 01:11:47.763
They have no idea.
01:11:47.846 --> 01:11:49.098
- Right.
- I don't know.
01:11:49.181 --> 01:11:52.726
My mom says I'm becoming
like the bruised apple
01:11:52.810 --> 01:11:54.561
at the bottom
of the apple bucket.
01:11:54.645 --> 01:11:56.522
- No. No, no, no, you're not.
- Yeah.
01:11:56.605 --> 01:11:57.940
- I am.
- No, you're not.
01:11:59.608 --> 01:12:01.610
So, do you want
to hang out sometime?
01:12:02.569 --> 01:12:04.196
Like, without our parents.
01:12:04.571 --> 01:12:06.073
Have you been to the Cat Café?
01:12:06.156 --> 01:12:07.950
The cats just come up to you
01:12:08.075 --> 01:12:11.036
and nestle in your lap,
and you just pet them.
01:12:12.121 --> 01:12:13.497
I don't think
that's a good idea.
01:12:13.747 --> 01:12:15.499
You don't like... cats?
01:12:15.582 --> 01:12:17.418
I mean...
01:12:17.584 --> 01:12:20.671
I don't think it's a good idea
for us to hang out again.
01:12:21.505 --> 01:12:22.840
It's not you.
01:12:23.173 --> 01:12:25.259
You're fantastic.
01:12:25.551 --> 01:12:27.678
I just can't do this
arranged marriage thing.
01:12:28.095 --> 01:12:29.596
With anybody.
01:12:30.431 --> 01:12:31.932
So why did you meet me?
01:12:33.308 --> 01:12:35.018
It wasn't my idea.
01:12:40.649 --> 01:12:42.192
I'm just really tired.
01:12:43.235 --> 01:12:45.654
Do you ever want
to just be in a relationship
01:12:45.737 --> 01:12:48.991
so you can just finally relax?
01:12:50.200 --> 01:12:51.326
I'm sorry.
01:12:54.997 --> 01:12:56.623
You deserve better than me.
01:12:58.208 --> 01:13:00.002
People always telling me
what I deserve.
01:13:01.044 --> 01:13:02.129
It's bullshit.
01:13:03.422 --> 01:13:06.049
And stop being so sorry
about everything.
01:13:08.510 --> 01:13:09.803
I'm gonna go.
01:13:11.472 --> 01:13:13.640
And do you know what?
I watched The X-Files.
01:13:13.974 --> 01:13:17.311
Like, three whole episodes,
and it's a bad show.
01:13:30.199 --> 01:13:31.593
Wow, they should
call this web site,
01:13:31.617 --> 01:13:33.702
"everything is cancer
dot-com."
01:13:33.827 --> 01:13:37.122
Whatever symptom you put in,
it could be cancer.
01:13:37.748 --> 01:13:39.958
Hiccups could be cancer.
Come on.
01:13:40.501 --> 01:13:42.002
Take the fun
out of hiccups now.
01:13:42.252 --> 01:13:45.672
But, you know, this is the
17th best hospital in Chicago?
01:13:46.757 --> 01:13:49.384
- Really? Out of how many?
- I don't know.
01:13:50.093 --> 01:13:51.803
But Northwestern's number one.
01:13:52.513 --> 01:13:53.597
How do they rate,
01:13:53.680 --> 01:13:55.533
- or what's the methodology?
- I don't know, Terry.
01:13:55.557 --> 01:13:57.226
But 17th is bad.
01:13:57.684 --> 01:13:59.811
It's not great.
Unless the sample size is...
01:14:00.103 --> 01:14:01.313
You know, that all depends.
01:14:01.438 --> 01:14:02.648
Here, look at the comments.
01:14:03.190 --> 01:14:04.626
This is why I don't want
to go online
01:14:04.650 --> 01:14:05.776
'cause it's never good.
01:14:06.068 --> 01:14:07.945
You go online,
they hated Forrest Gump.
01:14:09.112 --> 01:14:10.447
Frickin' best movie ever.
01:14:13.158 --> 01:14:14.660
Yeah, I know.
01:14:14.743 --> 01:14:16.495
Well, it, no,
it hasn't been that long.
01:14:17.913 --> 01:14:19.581
Like, three hours, maybe.
01:14:20.249 --> 01:14:22.125
Oh, hey, I... I...
All right, I got to go.
01:14:23.794 --> 01:14:25.254
- Terry, hi.
- Hey.
01:14:25.337 --> 01:14:26.672
- Can we talk?
- Yeah, yeah.
01:14:26.755 --> 01:14:27.755
Okay.
01:14:28.507 --> 01:14:30.092
We got the biopsy results.
01:14:30.425 --> 01:14:32.386
They are, unfortunately,
inconclusive.
01:14:33.011 --> 01:14:35.097
Uh, we're concerned
because it is also...
01:14:37.766 --> 01:14:39.726
Well, wait, wait,
what does that mean?
01:14:39.810 --> 01:14:42.271
It means it's aggressive.
It means that...
01:14:51.446 --> 01:14:53.174
I mean, they...
They couldn't find out what
01:14:53.198 --> 01:14:54.658
the disease was
or where the...
01:14:55.075 --> 01:14:56.928
Where the virus came from,
the bacteria, whatever.
01:14:56.952 --> 01:14:58.096
But they took out
the infection,
01:14:58.120 --> 01:14:59.472
- so it shouldn't matter.
- I know. That's what I said.
01:14:59.496 --> 01:15:01.290
But, uh,
her vitals didn't normalize.
01:15:01.373 --> 01:15:02.749
And now they say,
the infection,
01:15:02.833 --> 01:15:05.627
it's continuing to spread.
It's in her kidneys now.
01:15:05.877 --> 01:15:07.713
But the kidneys are
so far from the lungs.
01:15:07.796 --> 01:15:08.630
I know.
01:15:08.714 --> 01:15:11.466
It's an aggressive infection,
and they said
01:15:11.550 --> 01:15:13.278
what they got to do now is
they just got to figure out
01:15:13.302 --> 01:15:14.362
what this mystery disease
actually is.
01:15:14.386 --> 01:15:18.056
Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
01:15:19.349 --> 01:15:20.767
I'm calling Northwestern.
01:15:20.934 --> 01:15:22.495
- Just hold on, hold on.
- Terry, Goddammit...
01:15:22.519 --> 01:15:23.729
I think
we should talk about...
01:15:23.812 --> 01:15:24.646
Shut up.
01:15:24.730 --> 01:15:27.149
I'm sick of this shit, Terry.
We're getting her out of here.
01:15:27.482 --> 01:15:28.692
They're in the middle
of the...
01:15:28.775 --> 01:15:30.193
Of the whole process
of elimination.
01:15:30.277 --> 01:15:32.505
So you're saying Northwestern
can't take that information
01:15:32.529 --> 01:15:33.739
and continue the search?
01:15:33.822 --> 01:15:35.407
This place is a shithole.
I'm sorry.
01:15:35.490 --> 01:15:36.825
Anna, could I have that?
01:15:37.034 --> 01:15:38.714
Will you just stop
for a second, all right?
01:15:38.785 --> 01:15:39.703
They are the doctors.
01:15:39.786 --> 01:15:40.704
You act like you know
what you're talking about.
01:15:40.787 --> 01:15:42.347
- Doctors are not the same.
- You don't.
01:15:42.414 --> 01:15:43.874
I can't find my cell phone.
01:15:43.957 --> 01:15:45.042
- You got a phone?
- Yeah.
01:15:45.125 --> 01:15:46.125
Don't give her the phone.
01:15:46.335 --> 01:15:47.437
Don't...
You don't need a phone.
01:15:47.461 --> 01:15:49.230
You don't need to call anybody
right now. The...
01:15:49.254 --> 01:15:51.065
They're doing it. They're
the experts here, and...
01:15:51.089 --> 01:15:52.591
- And I trust them.
- One, five...
01:15:52.674 --> 01:15:53.508
Oh, well, that's very nice,
but I don't.
01:15:53.592 --> 01:15:54.718
Can you unlock that thing?
01:15:55.052 --> 01:15:56.571
There... There's a reason
they're number 17
01:15:56.595 --> 01:15:57.846
and Northwestern's number one.
01:15:57.929 --> 01:15:59.741
And that's not because people
trust them. Thank you.
01:15:59.765 --> 01:16:01.600
Wait, you think
you're smarter than me.
01:16:01.683 --> 01:16:02.683
You say big sentences.
01:16:02.726 --> 01:16:04.102
Okay, well, you're not.
You're not.
01:16:08.273 --> 01:16:09.584
I don't think
I'm smarter than you.
01:16:09.608 --> 01:16:11.336
You just don't think
you're as smart as I am.
01:16:11.360 --> 01:16:13.528
- That's not my fault.
- Right, it's...
01:16:13.612 --> 01:16:15.864
It's never your fault.
Everything's my fault.
01:16:15.947 --> 01:16:18.075
Oh, there are some things
that are definitely...
01:16:18.825 --> 01:16:20.327
...just your fault.
01:16:22.287 --> 01:16:24.206
Okay, that's...
That's bullshit.
01:16:24.456 --> 01:16:26.833
You need to stop freaking out
and calm down.
01:16:26.917 --> 01:16:28.502
And you need
to stop being a coward.
01:16:30.337 --> 01:16:31.380
Right.
01:16:32.172 --> 01:16:33.757
The greatest hits comin' back.
01:16:33.840 --> 01:16:35.592
Okay, you can just...
Well, you can stop.
01:16:35.676 --> 01:16:38.220
I'll... I'll replay
the rest of this from memory.
01:16:41.765 --> 01:16:43.684
Yeah, don't... Listen to me...
01:17:09.543 --> 01:17:11.837
Oh. You're giraffe-ing it.
01:17:11.920 --> 01:17:13.338
It's the biggest thing
they had.
01:17:13.630 --> 01:17:15.257
I don't even know
if she likes giraffes.
01:17:15.590 --> 01:17:16.925
We never talked about...
01:17:18.385 --> 01:17:19.636
...giraffes.
01:17:20.387 --> 01:17:21.888
Hey, do they know
what they're doing?
01:17:21.972 --> 01:17:23.765
'Cause they don't tell us
anything.
01:17:24.307 --> 01:17:25.934
Like, uh, Lyme disease.
01:17:26.017 --> 01:17:27.737
You know, the girl
on The Real World had it.
01:17:27.769 --> 01:17:29.938
- Did you guys look for that?
- Yes, we did.
01:17:30.021 --> 01:17:31.457
You know,
she gets hurt all the time,
01:17:31.481 --> 01:17:34.025
and she messed up her ankle
recently. Could that be lupus?
01:17:34.109 --> 01:17:36.403
Listen,
we're looking into everything.
01:17:36.903 --> 01:17:38.822
We're not holding anything
back from you.
01:17:39.114 --> 01:17:42.284
We're still just
eliminating possibilities.
01:17:42.993 --> 01:17:45.287
'Cause Beth wants
to move her to Northwestern.
01:17:45.454 --> 01:17:47.956
No. Emily should not be moved.
01:17:49.332 --> 01:17:50.834
The hospital will approve it
01:17:50.917 --> 01:17:53.044
because it'll get the
liability off their hands.
01:17:53.420 --> 01:17:55.338
But we put her in a coma
for a reason,
01:17:55.589 --> 01:17:57.007
to stabilize her.
01:17:57.174 --> 01:17:59.676
Moving her
could be very dangerous.
01:18:00.719 --> 01:18:04.014
Trust me, she is fighting this,
and so are we.
01:18:08.602 --> 01:18:10.729
Hey, Terry,
I was just talking to the...
01:18:11.813 --> 01:18:13.190
- You okay?
- Yeah.
01:18:13.273 --> 01:18:15.066
Yeah, of course.
01:18:15.901 --> 01:18:17.194
Fine. Totally fine.
01:18:17.277 --> 01:18:20.071
Just, uh... Beth went
to Emily, so, uh...
01:18:20.864 --> 01:18:23.325
I'm gonna wait here till
they kick me out, you know?
01:18:25.744 --> 01:18:26.912
Just keep an eye on her.
01:18:32.000 --> 01:18:33.543
Do you want to crash
at my place?
01:18:34.461 --> 01:18:36.546
- You got Golf Channel?
- No.
01:18:37.672 --> 01:18:38.799
That wasn't funny, right?
01:18:39.007 --> 01:18:41.301
Oh, I didn't... I thought
that was a serious question.
01:18:42.219 --> 01:18:43.428
Let's get
the fuck out of here.
01:18:49.601 --> 01:18:50.685
So...
01:18:51.228 --> 01:18:52.646
This is the place.
01:18:52.729 --> 01:18:54.356
Huh. Wow.
01:18:55.857 --> 01:18:57.108
This place is terrible.
01:19:02.447 --> 01:19:05.492
Hey, uh,
I talked to Nurse Judy,
01:19:05.826 --> 01:19:07.452
and she was saying that, like,
01:19:07.536 --> 01:19:09.579
moving Emily
could be a bad idea.
01:19:10.372 --> 01:19:11.206
Really?
01:19:11.289 --> 01:19:13.291
Yeah, she said
it could be dangerous.
01:19:16.044 --> 01:19:17.212
Like, something...
01:19:17.295 --> 01:19:18.964
Yeah, I hear you.
01:19:20.257 --> 01:19:22.092
And... Hmm.
01:19:22.175 --> 01:19:25.136
I just...
I'd give anything just to...
01:19:26.179 --> 01:19:27.639
trade places with Emily.
01:19:27.848 --> 01:19:28.848
You know?
01:19:30.141 --> 01:19:33.103
Being a parent, it's...
It's a nightmare.
01:19:33.812 --> 01:19:36.857
Loving somebody
this much sucks.
01:19:38.149 --> 01:19:39.609
Yeah.
01:19:40.277 --> 01:19:41.403
And, uh,
01:19:41.653 --> 01:19:43.488
I guess you've noticed
the tension
01:19:43.572 --> 01:19:45.657
between Beth and me.
01:19:47.367 --> 01:19:48.785
Uh, not really.
01:19:49.035 --> 01:19:50.829
Uh, it's none of my business,
01:19:50.912 --> 01:19:52.632
- so I don't try to...
- Yeah, well, it's...
01:19:52.706 --> 01:19:53.874
Uh, it's there.
01:19:54.749 --> 01:19:56.209
Big-time.
01:19:57.919 --> 01:20:00.338
It's getting really late.
We should go to sleep.
01:20:09.139 --> 01:20:10.432
I cheated on her.
01:20:11.683 --> 01:20:12.934
Fuck.
01:20:13.018 --> 01:20:14.102
I did.
01:20:16.104 --> 01:20:17.606
It was just a one-night stand.
01:20:17.689 --> 01:20:19.482
- Okay.
- We met at some bar
01:20:19.566 --> 01:20:20.609
in Cincinnati.
01:20:20.692 --> 01:20:23.069
They... They have
these teacher conferences.
01:20:24.321 --> 01:20:26.531
Who goes to a math conference
to get laid?
01:20:27.240 --> 01:20:28.533
Math teachers?
01:20:28.617 --> 01:20:29.868
Yeah.
01:20:30.619 --> 01:20:32.913
I... I think I was depressed.
01:20:32.996 --> 01:20:35.123
- That's what it was.
- Yeah.
01:20:35.457 --> 01:20:36.875
Let's talk about it tomorrow.
01:20:37.667 --> 01:20:38.710
Get a full night's sleep,
01:20:39.002 --> 01:20:40.229
tackle it fresh
in the morning...
01:20:40.253 --> 01:20:43.214
She just smelled so... good.
01:20:45.675 --> 01:20:47.010
It was horrible, too.
01:20:47.093 --> 01:20:50.347
As soon as I was finished,
as soon as I'd finished,
01:20:50.430 --> 01:20:53.266
I was like,
"What did you fucking do?
01:20:53.892 --> 01:20:56.645
"What did you just do?
01:20:58.855 --> 01:21:00.398
"What did you do?"
01:21:02.192 --> 01:21:03.902
You know, that... that, uh,
01:21:04.444 --> 01:21:08.323
moment of clarity you get,
right after an orgasm.
01:21:09.532 --> 01:21:10.700
Yeah.
01:21:11.660 --> 01:21:13.244
I told Beth right away.
01:21:13.453 --> 01:21:14.537
I had to.
01:21:16.331 --> 01:21:17.707
She was devastated.
01:21:18.541 --> 01:21:19.918
And now she hates me.
01:21:21.044 --> 01:21:23.171
She might be mad at you, but...
01:21:23.672 --> 01:21:24.839
But she doesn't hate you.
01:21:25.006 --> 01:21:27.050
Should've heard the way
she was talking about you.
01:21:27.133 --> 01:21:28.134
Mmm.
01:21:29.386 --> 01:21:30.804
Hey, can I ask you something?
01:21:33.640 --> 01:21:34.640
Why'd you tell her?
01:21:34.808 --> 01:21:35.934
Oh, I had to.
01:21:36.017 --> 01:21:37.227
I'm no good with guilt.
01:21:39.229 --> 01:21:40.355
Do you guys talk about it?
01:21:40.438 --> 01:21:41.523
Not anymore.
01:21:42.816 --> 01:21:45.443
She said she forgave me,
but... but, no.
01:21:46.736 --> 01:21:47.821
She hasn't.
01:21:49.948 --> 01:21:51.658
Let me give you some advice,
Kumail.
01:21:54.327 --> 01:21:56.621
You're gonna know the woman
that you want to spend
01:21:56.705 --> 01:21:57.956
the rest of your life with
01:21:59.207 --> 01:22:00.542
when you cheat on her.
01:22:01.042 --> 01:22:04.754
When you cheat on her
and you just feel like shit.
01:22:06.840 --> 01:22:09.259
So to fully know
I love someone,
01:22:09.342 --> 01:22:11.428
I have to cheat on them?
01:22:13.430 --> 01:22:15.390
Out loud, it sounds stupid.
01:22:17.809 --> 01:22:19.936
Eh, it's...
Yeah, that's terrible advice.
01:22:22.272 --> 01:22:23.273
Love...
01:22:23.398 --> 01:22:25.108
Love isn't easy.
01:22:26.609 --> 01:22:28.278
That's why they call it love.
01:22:29.487 --> 01:22:30.864
I don't really
get that either.
01:22:30.947 --> 01:22:33.575
I know. I thought I could just
start saying something,
01:22:33.658 --> 01:22:35.076
and something smart
would come out.
01:22:55.138 --> 01:22:56.514
Hey, did you see Terry?
01:22:56.890 --> 01:22:58.475
Yeah, I heard him leave
this morning.
01:22:58.767 --> 01:23:00.327
I'm going to Subbies.
You want anything?
01:23:00.393 --> 01:23:01.770
Nah, I'm good. Thank you.
01:23:01.853 --> 01:23:03.354
You don't want a hot dog
or nothin'?
01:23:03.438 --> 01:23:04.856
Dude,
it's 8:30 in the morning.
01:23:04.981 --> 01:23:07.150
Okay. No hot dog.
01:23:09.486 --> 01:23:10.612
Oh, hi.
01:23:10.695 --> 01:23:12.322
Oh, yeah, you can go right in.
01:23:14.491 --> 01:23:16.326
We just spoke
to Khadija's parents.
01:23:16.409 --> 01:23:18.745
- What are you doing here?
- What is wrong with you, Kumi?
01:23:18.828 --> 01:23:20.413
Nothing is wrong with me.
I'm sorry.
01:23:20.497 --> 01:23:22.207
Sorry? That's all you have
to say?
01:23:22.290 --> 01:23:23.350
Okay, I... I don't...
I wasn't that into her.
01:23:23.374 --> 01:23:24.584
- Into her?
- Yeah.
01:23:24.667 --> 01:23:25.770
Do you know
how difficult it is
01:23:25.794 --> 01:23:27.003
to get an appointment
with her?
01:23:27.087 --> 01:23:28.505
She's in very high demand.
01:23:28.588 --> 01:23:30.256
- Okay, so?
- So?
01:23:30.340 --> 01:23:32.193
Can we please talk about this
another time? I... I...
01:23:32.217 --> 01:23:35.720
No, no, Kumi.
We will talk about this now.
01:23:35.887 --> 01:23:38.431
We have sacrificed everything
for you.
01:23:38.515 --> 01:23:40.100
I know. Okay?
01:23:40.600 --> 01:23:42.143
We have left our family.
01:23:42.227 --> 01:23:43.812
We have left our home.
01:23:43.895 --> 01:23:46.773
I have missed the birth
of my sister's daughter.
01:23:47.357 --> 01:23:51.486
I have not seen my mother
for 15 years.
01:23:51.861 --> 01:23:55.907
Your father, he had to do
his graduate school again.
01:23:56.032 --> 01:23:57.867
He had to give exams again.
01:23:58.118 --> 01:23:59.911
I was in my mid-50s.
01:24:00.829 --> 01:24:03.706
They were in 20s. They used
to call me Father Time.
01:24:03.790 --> 01:24:06.501
Okay, okay. I know that.
01:24:06.584 --> 01:24:09.921
And I... I really appreciate
everything you did for me.
01:24:10.213 --> 01:24:13.133
But can we talk about this
another time?
01:24:13.341 --> 01:24:16.302
Kumi, if you don't want
to be a lawyer, fine.
01:24:16.594 --> 01:24:18.930
If you want to do
the stand-up comedy
01:24:19.013 --> 01:24:21.766
and embarrass us as a family,
fine.
01:24:22.142 --> 01:24:23.410
There is only one thing
01:24:23.434 --> 01:24:25.478
that we have ever
asked for you, Kumi,
01:24:26.020 --> 01:24:27.480
that you be a good Muslim
01:24:27.564 --> 01:24:29.315
and you marry
a Pakistani girl!
01:24:29.399 --> 01:24:31.276
That is it! One thing!
01:24:32.986 --> 01:24:34.237
Can I ask you something?
01:24:34.487 --> 01:24:36.197
Something that has
never made sense to me.
01:24:36.281 --> 01:24:37.991
Why did you bring me here
if you wanted me
01:24:38.074 --> 01:24:39.659
to not have an American life?
01:24:39.951 --> 01:24:42.537
We come here, but we pretend
like we're still back there.
01:24:43.454 --> 01:24:44.497
That's so stupid.
01:24:44.581 --> 01:24:46.141
Don't you talk
to your mother like that.
01:24:46.166 --> 01:24:47.286
You don't care what I think.
01:24:47.333 --> 01:24:49.085
You just want me
to follow the rules.
01:24:49.377 --> 01:24:52.213
But the r... the rules
don't make sense to me.
01:24:57.177 --> 01:24:58.553
I don't pray.
01:24:59.554 --> 01:25:00.722
I don't.
01:25:00.972 --> 01:25:02.849
I haven't prayed in years.
01:25:04.142 --> 01:25:05.685
I just go down there,
01:25:06.060 --> 01:25:07.353
and I play video games.
01:25:07.645 --> 01:25:08.771
You don't believe in Allah?
01:25:08.855 --> 01:25:10.523
I don't know
what I believe, Dad.
01:25:10.607 --> 01:25:11.900
I don't know.
01:25:15.069 --> 01:25:17.197
And I can't marry
someone you find for me.
01:25:17.947 --> 01:25:19.324
And why not?
01:25:21.326 --> 01:25:23.161
Because I am in love
with someone.
01:25:24.704 --> 01:25:25.704
I am.
01:25:25.997 --> 01:25:27.373
Her name is Emily.
01:25:27.665 --> 01:25:29.625
And
she's gonna be a therapist.
01:25:29.876 --> 01:25:32.128
And right now she's very sick.
01:25:32.212 --> 01:25:33.713
But I couldn't tell you that.
01:25:34.088 --> 01:25:37.133
It makes me so sad that I
couldn't tell you any of that.
01:25:40.136 --> 01:25:43.097
I really appreciate everything
you've done for me.
01:25:43.181 --> 01:25:46.017
I truly, truly, truly do.
I really do.
01:25:46.684 --> 01:25:49.270
And I know Islam
has been really good for you,
01:25:49.354 --> 01:25:50.772
and it has made you
good people.
01:25:51.481 --> 01:25:53.691
But I don't know
what I believe.
01:25:55.860 --> 01:25:57.487
I just need to figure it out
on my own.
01:25:58.613 --> 01:26:00.198
You're not my son.
01:26:02.575 --> 01:26:04.702
Kumail.
You're being selfish,
01:26:04.827 --> 01:26:06.412
you're not thinking about us.
01:26:06.871 --> 01:26:08.515
You're not thinking
about Khadija, in fact,
01:26:08.539 --> 01:26:09.642
you're not even thinking about
01:26:09.666 --> 01:26:11.042
that girl
you are in love with.
01:26:11.626 --> 01:26:14.087
You think American dream
is doing just about
01:26:14.170 --> 01:26:16.673
whatever you want and not
thinking about other people?
01:26:16.756 --> 01:26:17.756
You're wrong!
01:26:18.299 --> 01:26:20.218
You are wrong!
01:26:25.223 --> 01:26:26.951
Excuse us, please.
01:26:26.975 --> 01:26:28.017
Sorry.
01:26:28.101 --> 01:26:29.421
What's wrong
with you, man?
01:26:30.311 --> 01:26:31.854
- CHRIS Hey.
- Hey.
01:26:32.146 --> 01:26:34.232
I, uh,
never went to the store.
01:26:34.315 --> 01:26:36.651
I was just listening
at the door.
01:26:39.070 --> 01:26:42.490
Hey... My mom kicked me out
for dealing weed at 16,
01:26:42.573 --> 01:26:43.908
so I get it, man.
01:26:57.213 --> 01:26:58.756
- Hey.
- Hey, um, so,
01:26:58.840 --> 01:27:00.526
wh... when are we gonna talk
to Beth about this thing
01:27:00.550 --> 01:27:01.777
- that we talked about?
- We... we... we...
01:27:01.801 --> 01:27:03.136
We're gonna move her,
01:27:03.219 --> 01:27:04.345
is what we're gonna do.
01:27:04.929 --> 01:27:05.929
What?
01:27:06.764 --> 01:27:08.200
- What? We're gonna move her.
- What you...
01:27:08.224 --> 01:27:09.475
What are you talking about?
01:27:09.559 --> 01:27:10.560
You fucking caved?
01:27:10.810 --> 01:27:11.912
- I didn't cave.
- You fucking caved?
01:27:11.936 --> 01:27:13.580
- I don't cave, okay?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
01:27:13.604 --> 01:27:15.165
I know you don't, you don't
cave, you don't cave,
01:27:15.189 --> 01:27:16.190
you're great.
01:27:16.274 --> 01:27:17.334
But we talked about this
last night,
01:27:17.358 --> 01:27:18.669
- and we decided...
- I know. I know.
01:27:18.693 --> 01:27:19.753
...that it wasn't gonna be
a good...
01:27:19.777 --> 01:27:20.879
- We're moving her.
- No. What?
01:27:20.903 --> 01:27:21.964
- Yeah.
- I... I told you what
01:27:21.988 --> 01:27:23.048
- the nurse said.
- She's right.
01:27:23.072 --> 01:27:24.925
Hey, Beth, um, the nurse
told me that moving Emily
01:27:24.949 --> 01:27:25.950
could be a very bad idea.
01:27:26.034 --> 01:27:27.886
Well, Northwestern told us
it could be very good.
01:27:27.910 --> 01:27:29.596
Well, they don't see her,
this nurse sees her,
01:27:29.620 --> 01:27:31.015
and she told me herself.
She said...
01:27:31.039 --> 01:27:32.433
That's okay, Kumail,
they don't need to see her.
01:27:32.457 --> 01:27:34.083
No, it's not okay! There.
01:27:34.625 --> 01:27:35.835
- That's...
- I got it.
01:27:36.252 --> 01:27:38.046
That's a map of the garage.
01:27:39.756 --> 01:27:40.756
Don't...
01:27:40.882 --> 01:27:42.467
Wait, wait, wait.
01:27:42.550 --> 01:27:44.093
You want to be responsible?
01:27:44.218 --> 01:27:45.218
Huh?
01:27:46.679 --> 01:27:47.972
She could die!
01:27:48.264 --> 01:27:49.264
Kumail,
01:27:49.474 --> 01:27:51.684
we're responsible for her
no matter what.
01:27:53.186 --> 01:27:54.479
We're her parents.
01:27:55.063 --> 01:27:56.731
Now, I'm sorry,
we're moving her.
01:28:07.200 --> 01:28:08.594
Welcome to Quick 'n Hot.
01:28:08.618 --> 01:28:10.119
Can I take your order, please?
01:28:10.203 --> 01:28:13.498
Yeah, um, can I get a burger
with four slices of cheese?
01:28:13.998 --> 01:28:15.500
Four burgers.
Anything else, sir?
01:28:15.583 --> 01:28:18.127
No, one burger
with four slices of cheese.
01:28:22.006 --> 01:28:23.257
One burger with four slice...
01:28:23.341 --> 01:28:25.551
I'm sorry,
we can't do that.
01:28:25.635 --> 01:28:29.222
Just put four slices of cheese
on a burger.
01:28:29.305 --> 01:28:30.783
We can't do that.
There's no button...
01:28:30.807 --> 01:28:32.392
Who the fuck is this
"we," man?
01:28:32.475 --> 01:28:34.727
Who the fuck is this "we"?
It's me and you!
01:28:34.811 --> 01:28:37.271
We're just people!
Fucking listen to me!
01:28:37.355 --> 01:28:38.731
Fuck this corporate entity!
01:28:38.815 --> 01:28:43.945
Put four slices of cheese
on the fucking burger!
01:28:46.489 --> 01:28:48.324
- We can't do that.
- What the fuck?
01:28:48.408 --> 01:28:50.451
You fucking idiot! Hey!
01:28:51.119 --> 01:28:52.537
Hey, look at me, look at me.
01:28:52.620 --> 01:28:55.123
'Cause I'm a human being, you
are a human being. Look at me!
01:28:55.206 --> 01:28:57.250
Look me in the eyes
when you fuck me!
01:28:57.333 --> 01:28:59.419
Look at me! Please!
01:29:00.002 --> 01:29:01.129
Today's my first day.
01:29:01.212 --> 01:29:02.505
Fuck you!
01:29:12.890 --> 01:29:15.184
I'll just ring you up
for four burgers.
01:29:18.229 --> 01:29:19.313
I'm sorry.
01:29:19.397 --> 01:29:21.649
Do you want any fries
or drink with that?
01:29:24.485 --> 01:29:26.028
I'll take four fries.
01:29:27.363 --> 01:29:28.614
I'm sorry.
01:29:42.795 --> 01:29:44.005
Fuck!
01:29:51.429 --> 01:29:52.489
...your life
dramatically.
01:29:53.764 --> 01:29:56.476
Um, so then I started
keeping this journal.
01:29:56.559 --> 01:29:58.644
And the journal is,
like, you know,
01:29:58.728 --> 01:30:02.440
me overcompensating
and trying to act like
01:30:02.523 --> 01:30:05.485
I'm living this, like, cool,
rock-and-roll lifestyle.
01:30:06.569 --> 01:30:08.779
When, in reality,
I'm in third grade,
01:30:09.030 --> 01:30:10.156
crying all the time.
01:30:10.281 --> 01:30:12.408
Hey, man,
Montreal Finals. You ready?
01:30:13.367 --> 01:30:15.536
Oh, wait, are you getting all,
like, dark and moody
01:30:15.620 --> 01:30:16.787
before your set?
01:30:16.954 --> 01:30:19.790
Yeah, punish yourself
like a nasty, little baby.
01:30:19.874 --> 01:30:22.543
Okay, okay, I am not
in the mood, okay, Chris?
01:30:22.710 --> 01:30:24.253
I'll get you in the mood.
01:30:24.378 --> 01:30:26.714
- You all right?
- I'll get you all in the mood!
01:30:26.797 --> 01:30:28.758
Why is everybody saying
the same fucking thing?
01:30:28.841 --> 01:30:30.068
- Yeah, I decide...
- Dude, are you all right?
01:30:30.092 --> 01:30:31.135
Yeah, I'm doing great.
01:30:31.219 --> 01:30:33.179
Okay, all right, dude,
I'm just checking on you.
01:30:33.679 --> 01:30:35.932
It would have stuff,
like, you know, like,
01:30:36.015 --> 01:30:37.558
an in-unit washer and dryer...
01:30:39.519 --> 01:30:40.770
The fuck have you been, man?
01:30:41.229 --> 01:30:43.022
- You're on next.
- Okay, okay.
01:30:44.607 --> 01:30:46.275
Thank you, guys.
I love you.
01:30:48.778 --> 01:30:49.904
Hello?
01:30:49.987 --> 01:30:51.531
Kumail, is that you?
01:30:51.614 --> 01:30:53.199
- Yeah.
- It's Terry.
01:30:53.533 --> 01:30:55.451
Uh, listen,
we're not moving her.
01:30:56.035 --> 01:30:57.286
The doctor, they said...
01:31:14.136 --> 01:31:15.155
Have you guys heard of this
01:31:15.179 --> 01:31:16.931
new drug cocktail
called cheese?
01:31:18.140 --> 01:31:20.685
Like, that's the name of it,
it's called cheese.
01:31:20.977 --> 01:31:23.938
Um... I saw all these news
reports, and they were like,
01:31:24.021 --> 01:31:25.815
"There's a new drug,
it's called cheese.
01:31:26.440 --> 01:31:27.900
"Everyone's doing it
in the Midwest.
01:31:27.984 --> 01:31:29.026
"Kids are doing it."
01:31:36.701 --> 01:31:38.619
It's just really hard
to do stand-up comedy
01:31:38.703 --> 01:31:40.204
when your girlfriend
is in a coma.
01:31:42.790 --> 01:31:43.916
Uh...
01:31:44.166 --> 01:31:47.003
Not quite sure what part
you were laughing at.
01:31:49.797 --> 01:31:51.191
They say she's fighting,
but she doesn't look like
01:31:51.215 --> 01:31:53.050
she's fighting,
she looks like she's just...
01:31:53.593 --> 01:31:55.113
She looks like
she's just laying there.
01:31:57.179 --> 01:32:00.558
I said horrible things to her,
and, um,
01:32:00.766 --> 01:32:03.519
I said horrible things to her,
I h... I hurt her.
01:32:03.978 --> 01:32:05.229
Um...
01:32:06.022 --> 01:32:07.398
She loves birds.
01:32:07.481 --> 01:32:09.084
Like, she gets excited
every time she sees a bird.
01:32:09.108 --> 01:32:10.276
She's like,
01:32:10.359 --> 01:32:11.652
"Look at this, it's a bird."
01:32:11.736 --> 01:32:14.447
I'm always like, "Yeah,
they're all over the place.
01:32:14.530 --> 01:32:15.656
"They're birds."
01:32:15.740 --> 01:32:17.033
But she, like...
01:32:17.116 --> 01:32:18.534
She likes that bird, you know?
01:32:18.618 --> 01:32:20.494
Every bird she sees,
she sees it.
01:32:24.957 --> 01:32:26.417
Her dad just called
01:32:26.500 --> 01:32:29.045
and said that they can't
transfer her
01:32:31.172 --> 01:32:33.591
because the infection
has reached her heart.
01:32:36.093 --> 01:32:37.261
Uh...
01:32:39.472 --> 01:32:40.472
Which...
01:32:40.556 --> 01:32:42.600
Which means she...
01:32:45.353 --> 01:32:47.104
Which means she could die.
01:32:54.153 --> 01:32:56.614
I don't know if you can
hear me or not, but...
01:32:59.617 --> 01:33:03.496
...it would be really good
if you pulled through.
01:33:05.664 --> 01:33:08.709
If you have to go,
you can go, but...
01:33:10.086 --> 01:33:11.962
It would be really great
if you stayed.
01:33:13.130 --> 01:33:14.173
Uh...
01:33:14.423 --> 01:33:18.135
And I'm really sorry
for what I did, okay?
01:33:51.085 --> 01:33:53.254
Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.
01:33:53.337 --> 01:33:55.548
Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.
01:34:15.693 --> 01:34:17.570
Mom.
01:34:17.862 --> 01:34:20.406
You're getting your tears
all over me.
01:34:20.781 --> 01:34:22.908
When am I gonna be able
to feel my face?
01:34:22.992 --> 01:34:24.192
Hmm.
01:34:24.243 --> 01:34:25.963
Hey, you gave us
quite a scare there, scout.
01:34:25.995 --> 01:34:27.371
- Really.
- Scout?
01:34:27.455 --> 01:34:29.057
Come on,
I call you that all the time.
01:34:29.081 --> 01:34:30.416
No, not since
01:34:30.499 --> 01:34:31.726
- I was a grown-up.
- Yes, I do.
01:34:31.750 --> 01:34:33.061
I've been calling you that
my whole life.
01:34:33.085 --> 01:34:35.171
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
01:34:35.504 --> 01:34:36.881
Oh.
01:34:36.964 --> 01:34:38.424
- Sorry, hon.
- What's happening?
01:34:38.549 --> 01:34:40.926
- You okay? You all right?
- What is that crap?
01:34:41.010 --> 01:34:42.803
We have to thicken
your liquids for a bit.
01:34:42.887 --> 01:34:45.431
Your esophagus isn't strong
enough to swallow yet.
01:34:45.764 --> 01:34:46.908
That shit tastes like semen.
01:34:46.932 --> 01:34:47.975
That's nice
01:34:48.058 --> 01:34:49.578
- for a father to hear.
- She won't have
01:34:49.602 --> 01:34:50.829
any social inhibitions
until the...
01:34:50.853 --> 01:34:51.937
The anesthetic wears off.
01:34:52.021 --> 01:34:53.206
Seriously, Mom,
you should try this.
01:34:53.230 --> 01:34:55.083
- No, wait a minute, honey.
- Stop saying that.
01:34:55.107 --> 01:34:56.209
- Not the cup.
- Oh, come on,
01:34:56.233 --> 01:34:57.318
come on, come on.
01:34:58.068 --> 01:35:00.696
They'll charge us $48 for it,
don't worry about it.
01:35:02.698 --> 01:35:03.824
Why are you here?
01:35:03.949 --> 01:35:06.094
I... I haven't
heard her voice in a while.
01:35:06.118 --> 01:35:07.828
He's been...
He's been here the whole time.
01:35:08.329 --> 01:35:10.748
Could I speak
with you both outside?
01:35:10.831 --> 01:35:11.831
Yeah.
01:35:12.458 --> 01:35:14.102
- We'll be right back.
- Yeah, we'll be right outside.
01:35:14.126 --> 01:35:15.211
All right.
01:35:21.759 --> 01:35:23.594
Hey.
01:35:23.677 --> 01:35:25.095
Emily has a rare condition
01:35:25.179 --> 01:35:27.640
called adult-onset
Still's disease.
01:35:28.057 --> 01:35:30.434
Kumail mentioned
Emily's hurt ankle,
01:35:30.684 --> 01:35:32.561
and the swelling
still hadn't gone down
01:35:32.645 --> 01:35:34.271
even after several days
in bed,
01:35:34.396 --> 01:35:35.731
- which is strange.
- Mmm.
01:35:35.814 --> 01:35:38.943
Still's disease is when
the body thinks healthy tissue
01:35:39.026 --> 01:35:41.654
is an infection,
so it tries to fight it.
01:35:41.737 --> 01:35:42.988
- Uh-huh.
- It's like a big
01:35:43.155 --> 01:35:44.949
biological misunderstanding.
01:35:45.074 --> 01:35:46.283
- Yeah, yeah.
- So,
01:35:46.367 --> 01:35:48.160
we gave her
anti-inflammatories,
01:35:48.244 --> 01:35:49.828
and she stabilized
within hours.
01:35:49.912 --> 01:35:51.956
She's gonna take time
to recover,
01:35:52.039 --> 01:35:53.666
but she'll be fine.
01:35:53.916 --> 01:35:56.001
- Wow.
- Full recovery.
01:35:57.169 --> 01:35:58.629
What are you doing here?
01:35:59.338 --> 01:36:00.778
I was visiting someone
down the hall,
01:36:00.839 --> 01:36:02.108
and I was, like,
I'll just pop in
01:36:02.132 --> 01:36:03.801
- and say hi to Emily.
- Oh.
01:36:03.884 --> 01:36:06.428
No, I'm joking.
I'm here for you.
01:36:07.054 --> 01:36:09.890
You're an asshole,
and I don't like you.
01:36:10.140 --> 01:36:12.476
I'm not an asshole.
I'm really not.
01:36:12.560 --> 01:36:13.936
Oh, no, you're an asshole.
01:36:14.019 --> 01:36:15.038
You have a lot of drugs
in you,
01:36:15.062 --> 01:36:16.730
so you're, like,
not thinking as clearly.
01:36:16.814 --> 01:36:19.650
No, dawg, I'm not joking.
01:36:20.025 --> 01:36:21.610
You're not funny to me.
01:36:22.236 --> 01:36:23.571
You just make me sad.
01:36:23.946 --> 01:36:26.073
You make me sad
inside of my heart,
01:36:26.156 --> 01:36:27.825
and it makes me sad
to look at you.
01:36:28.784 --> 01:36:31.328
So, I think you should
probably go.
01:36:32.788 --> 01:36:35.249
Just go,
and tell my mom I want her.
01:36:38.669 --> 01:36:40.671
Will you please get my mom?
01:36:44.508 --> 01:36:47.011
- I'm so sorry about that.
- Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.
01:36:48.262 --> 01:36:49.972
Um, Emily wants to see you.
01:36:50.055 --> 01:36:51.056
Oh.
01:36:53.601 --> 01:36:55.185
Um, I'm gonna head out.
01:36:55.728 --> 01:36:57.187
I don't think
I should be here.
01:36:58.522 --> 01:37:00.274
Ah, Kumail, here's the thing.
01:37:01.025 --> 01:37:03.068
Your living condition,
it's, uh...
01:37:03.402 --> 01:37:04.903
It's a potential health risk.
01:37:06.488 --> 01:37:08.449
And you're not that funny.
01:37:09.408 --> 01:37:13.537
But you're probably not suited
to do anything else either,
01:37:13.621 --> 01:37:14.913
so that's troublesome.
01:37:14.997 --> 01:37:16.558
You really made it sound
like you were gonna
01:37:16.582 --> 01:37:18.834
say something positive there.
01:37:18.917 --> 01:37:20.628
Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?
01:37:21.295 --> 01:37:22.963
Well, you know...
01:37:24.840 --> 01:37:26.175
You know I know
the good stuff.
01:37:26.258 --> 01:37:27.444
I know the good stuff.
01:37:27.468 --> 01:37:28.844
I don't know, so you know...
01:37:28.927 --> 01:37:30.429
You know how I feel.
I got to...
01:37:31.555 --> 01:37:32.806
- I got to get in.
- Yeah.
01:37:36.477 --> 01:37:38.145
What'd I miss?
What'd I miss?
01:37:38.228 --> 01:37:40.439
Brick on top of
the grilled cheese and...
01:37:40.522 --> 01:37:41.607
Yeah.
01:37:41.690 --> 01:37:43.233
Yeah, I want that.
01:37:43.400 --> 01:37:45.277
- Be right back.
- Bacon or something...
01:37:47.446 --> 01:37:49.406
- Hey.
- Hey.
01:37:50.282 --> 01:37:52.242
So you're gonna hang around
Chicago for a while?
01:37:52.326 --> 01:37:53.326
Yeah.
01:37:53.369 --> 01:37:55.454
- She's got physical therapy.
- Oh.
01:37:56.205 --> 01:37:58.499
Did you ever think
you'd be excited
01:37:58.582 --> 01:38:00.918
to have your daughter
go through physical therapy?
01:38:02.628 --> 01:38:04.064
It's so strange
that we could go through
01:38:04.088 --> 01:38:05.839
one of the most intense
experiences
01:38:05.923 --> 01:38:07.675
of our lives together
and just...
01:38:09.009 --> 01:38:10.928
Just never see
each other again.
01:38:11.762 --> 01:38:12.930
Maybe.
01:38:16.975 --> 01:38:18.394
But I hope not.
01:38:32.324 --> 01:38:33.964
...threw a bird at you,
and then ran away,
01:38:33.992 --> 01:38:35.202
and you're like, "Oh, crap!
01:38:35.285 --> 01:38:36.412
"I own a bird now!"
01:38:36.870 --> 01:38:38.706
Hi, little sad man.
01:38:38.789 --> 01:38:39.909
Mopey boy.
01:38:39.957 --> 01:38:40.833
Hey.
01:38:40.916 --> 01:38:42.076
We have something
to tell you.
01:38:42.126 --> 01:38:43.460
Yes. Tell him.
01:38:43.544 --> 01:38:45.421
- We're moving to New York.
- New York.
01:38:45.504 --> 01:38:46.630
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
01:38:46.714 --> 01:38:48.382
And we want you
to come with us.
01:38:48.465 --> 01:38:49.717
Are you serious?
01:38:49.800 --> 01:38:51.802
You got to do it.
It's gonna suck at first,
01:38:51.885 --> 01:38:53.113
but we're gonna
have each other,
01:38:53.137 --> 01:38:54.572
and maybe we'll eventually
get paid to write jokes.
01:38:54.596 --> 01:38:55.657
Mm-hmm.
- It's gonna be the best.
01:38:55.681 --> 01:38:56.557
Come on, dude.
01:38:56.640 --> 01:38:57.640
You have to come.
01:38:58.100 --> 01:39:00.352
I know you did not
get Montreal,
01:39:00.436 --> 01:39:02.354
and that is only because
01:39:02.438 --> 01:39:04.440
you did one of the worst sets
I've ever seen
01:39:04.523 --> 01:39:06.108
in my goddamn life.
01:39:06.316 --> 01:39:07.693
- Yeah.
- It was nonsense.
01:39:07.776 --> 01:39:09.069
A living disgrace.
01:39:09.153 --> 01:39:11.905
I would call it shit,
but I would be worried
01:39:11.989 --> 01:39:14.074
that I'd be insulting
actual shit.
01:39:14.199 --> 01:39:16.994
Yeah, it was
so bone-chilling to me,
01:39:17.077 --> 01:39:19.496
I thought a ghost had
passed right through me.
01:39:19.580 --> 01:39:20.640
We don't have to
keep going over
01:39:20.664 --> 01:39:21.749
how bad the set was.
01:39:21.832 --> 01:39:22.916
I saw their faces
01:39:23.000 --> 01:39:24.251
and the noises
they didn't make.
01:39:24.376 --> 01:39:26.146
I felt one of my eggs die.
01:39:26.170 --> 01:39:27.689
Doesn't that happen,
like, every month?
01:39:27.713 --> 01:39:29.339
It happens every month,
Kumail,
01:39:29.423 --> 01:39:31.258
but I don't always
feel it and go...
01:39:36.138 --> 01:39:37.282
And that's what
you made me do.
01:39:37.306 --> 01:39:38.599
- Yeah.
- I...
01:39:38.682 --> 01:39:41.727
I'm packing my things up,
and I'm moving to New York,
01:39:41.810 --> 01:39:44.271
and guess what, baby.
You're coming with me.
01:39:44.563 --> 01:39:45.606
What about Chris?
01:39:45.689 --> 01:39:46.750
Have you ever seen a pigeon
01:39:46.774 --> 01:39:48.317
try and pick up
another pigeon?
01:39:48.734 --> 01:39:50.068
He will be fine.
01:39:50.152 --> 01:39:52.780
There's not enough room
in the car, probably.
01:39:52.863 --> 01:39:54.281
We leave in a week. All right?
01:39:54.615 --> 01:39:56.655
And I already called shotgun,
Chicago to Pittsburgh.
01:39:56.700 --> 01:39:57.701
Do not fuck this up.
01:39:57.826 --> 01:39:59.203
Your destiny awaits.
01:39:59.286 --> 01:40:00.930
This'll be the biggest
move of your life,
01:40:00.954 --> 01:40:02.873
other than the one
from Pakistan.
01:40:02.956 --> 01:40:05.000
Yeah.
01:40:05.083 --> 01:40:07.145
I didn't have any kind
of epiphany or anything...
01:40:07.169 --> 01:40:09.213
Hey, clink, clink, clink,
clink, clink.
01:40:10.130 --> 01:40:12.341
Hey, everybody. Thank you
for, uh, for coming.
01:40:12.424 --> 01:40:14.051
I just want to say
a couple, uh...
01:40:14.176 --> 01:40:15.385
A couple of words here.
01:40:15.469 --> 01:40:17.429
Mom, why is Kumail here?
01:40:18.305 --> 01:40:20.307
'Cause he was there
the whole time, you know.
01:40:20.766 --> 01:40:23.685
I invited the nurses,
I invited him.
01:40:24.353 --> 01:40:25.813
And, um, for...
01:40:25.896 --> 01:40:27.481
Emily, come on up,
come on up here.
01:40:27.564 --> 01:40:28.607
I want to say something.
01:40:28.690 --> 01:40:29.959
- I want to say something.
- Dad.
01:40:29.983 --> 01:40:31.169
Talk
amongst yourselves.
01:40:31.193 --> 01:40:33.862
This might take a...
01:40:33.946 --> 01:40:36.615
Emily successfully peeled
an orange this morning.
01:40:36.698 --> 01:40:38.242
- Dad!
- Yeah.
01:40:38.325 --> 01:40:40.327
It was... It was a clementine.
01:40:40.410 --> 01:40:42.204
Full disclosure, a clementine.
01:40:42.287 --> 01:40:44.081
It's those little ones
that, you know,
01:40:44.373 --> 01:40:46.500
a baby monkey could peel it.
01:40:46.583 --> 01:40:48.293
But, uh, but she did it.
01:40:48.585 --> 01:40:50.629
And... And, yeah, so that's all.
We just...
01:40:50.712 --> 01:40:52.965
Thank you, everybody. Hey...
01:40:56.218 --> 01:40:57.302
Hi.
01:40:58.720 --> 01:41:00.138
I like your cane.
01:41:01.181 --> 01:41:04.059
- I heard pimpin' ain't easy.
- Right.
01:41:04.768 --> 01:41:06.520
Hey, could we talk
for a second?
01:41:06.603 --> 01:41:07.771
Sure.
01:41:12.860 --> 01:41:14.903
So I've been collecting
some things, uh,
01:41:14.987 --> 01:41:16.196
that are important to me,
01:41:16.280 --> 01:41:17.823
and I wanted to
show them to you.
01:41:18.866 --> 01:41:20.784
I call this
my bag of devotion.
01:41:23.203 --> 01:41:28.333
Uh, so this is, uh,
all the visitor passes
01:41:28.417 --> 01:41:30.878
from when I visited you
when you were in the...
01:41:31.044 --> 01:41:32.212
um...
01:41:40.178 --> 01:41:42.931
So... these are the tickets
01:41:43.015 --> 01:41:45.726
from when your parents
came to see me perform,
01:41:46.184 --> 01:41:49.688
and, uh, I... I realized
how great they are,
01:41:49.980 --> 01:41:53.400
and how great you are,
01:41:53.692 --> 01:41:56.028
and how great honesty is.
01:41:59.531 --> 01:42:00.699
What did you do?
01:42:00.866 --> 01:42:02.701
Did you cremate someone?
01:42:02.826 --> 01:42:06.038
These are the ashes
of all the Pakistani women...
01:42:06.872 --> 01:42:07.956
Not the women...
01:42:08.165 --> 01:42:10.542
The pictures of
the Pakistani women.
01:42:11.168 --> 01:42:14.421
I thought this was a good idea,
and it feels kind of...
01:42:14.922 --> 01:42:16.298
It feels a little stupid.
01:42:25.641 --> 01:42:27.768
I know I was
a terrible boyfriend,
01:42:29.645 --> 01:42:31.271
but I have changed.
01:42:31.605 --> 01:42:33.482
And I am the person
you need me to be.
01:42:33.565 --> 01:42:34.733
I really am.
01:42:35.108 --> 01:42:36.526
So...
01:42:38.654 --> 01:42:40.155
Will you take me back?
01:42:42.491 --> 01:42:44.618
Kumail, I'm really glad
that you...
01:42:45.994 --> 01:42:48.705
went through this experience,
01:42:50.207 --> 01:42:51.625
but you have
to understand that
01:42:51.708 --> 01:42:53.794
that all happened
when I was asleep.
01:42:54.836 --> 01:42:57.839
Like, you felt one way
a few weeks ago,
01:42:57.923 --> 01:43:00.592
and now you're saying you feel
the total opposite way,
01:43:00.676 --> 01:43:01.945
and the only thing
that's changed
01:43:01.969 --> 01:43:03.261
is that I was in a coma.
01:43:03.470 --> 01:43:05.263
Honestly, I... I...
01:43:06.765 --> 01:43:08.809
I look at all of this,
and I just think,
01:43:08.892 --> 01:43:10.519
you know,
I just can't do it again.
01:43:10.936 --> 01:43:12.080
- And I can't...
- I...
01:43:12.104 --> 01:43:15.983
I can't be the reason
that you don't have a family.
01:43:20.570 --> 01:43:22.364
It just feels
totally different now.
01:43:23.532 --> 01:43:25.367
And I can't do that again.
01:43:27.828 --> 01:43:29.329
Do you understand?
01:43:34.042 --> 01:43:35.210
- Okay.
- Okay?
01:43:35.293 --> 01:43:37.421
Okay.
01:44:47.991 --> 01:44:49.117
Sorry.
01:44:49.743 --> 01:44:50.743
Ma.
01:44:51.995 --> 01:44:52.829
Dad.
01:44:52.913 --> 01:44:54.998
Fatima. Bhai. Kya haal hai?
01:44:55.707 --> 01:44:57.167
Oh, there's no plate.
01:45:01.088 --> 01:45:02.088
Oh.
01:45:02.839 --> 01:45:05.050
Oh, I forgot, um, I've decided
01:45:05.133 --> 01:45:07.052
I won't let you
kick me out of the family.
01:45:07.385 --> 01:45:09.096
Since I'm a member
of the family,
01:45:09.179 --> 01:45:10.990
it would stand to reason
that I would get a vote
01:45:11.014 --> 01:45:12.891
in whether or not
I get kicked out,
01:45:12.974 --> 01:45:15.143
and that vote would have
to be unanimous,
01:45:15.227 --> 01:45:16.686
standard parliamentary
procedure.
01:45:16.770 --> 01:45:19.898
So, all those in favor
of not kicking Kumail
01:45:19.981 --> 01:45:21.691
out of the family,
raise your hand.
01:45:24.277 --> 01:45:27.364
Great. Motion to kick Kumail
out of the family denied.
01:45:27.864 --> 01:45:29.616
So, you guys can
just talk to me.
01:45:31.785 --> 01:45:33.620
Okay, you're giving me
the silent treatment.
01:45:34.579 --> 01:45:36.998
I figured that was
what was gonna happen.
01:45:37.082 --> 01:45:38.500
I have a solution.
01:45:38.583 --> 01:45:41.253
So, "Hi, how are you?"
01:45:41.378 --> 01:45:43.296
That's just a real basic one.
You know.
01:45:44.548 --> 01:45:47.008
"Pass the salt."
Practical.
01:45:48.593 --> 01:45:50.303
"Always with the comedy."
01:45:50.387 --> 01:45:53.473
Mom, made that one
specially for you.
01:45:54.224 --> 01:45:57.394
"Kumail, how did you become
so much more handsome
01:45:57.477 --> 01:45:59.521
"than your brother NAVEED?"
01:45:59.604 --> 01:46:00.981
Bullshit.
01:46:04.943 --> 01:46:06.778
I admit, this one is designed
01:46:06.862 --> 01:46:08.446
to stir up some controversy.
01:46:10.490 --> 01:46:12.033
"It's interesting
how you can't really
01:46:12.117 --> 01:46:13.994
"kick someone out
of your family because
01:46:14.119 --> 01:46:17.747
"they will always be
your family."
01:46:20.041 --> 01:46:22.210
I agree with that one.
That's a good one.
01:46:22.627 --> 01:46:26.590
So, I'm gonna leave these
here for you.
01:46:32.053 --> 01:46:33.847
I am sorry I lied
about the girls
01:46:33.930 --> 01:46:35.473
and the LSAT and all of that.
01:46:35.557 --> 01:46:36.683
That was wrong.
01:46:37.100 --> 01:46:38.393
And one more thing.
01:46:38.518 --> 01:46:41.563
I'm moving to New York
to pursue stand-up,
01:46:42.564 --> 01:46:45.817
but I am not leaving
this family.
01:47:05.462 --> 01:47:09.132
My parents, um, they want
me to get arrange married.
01:47:09.299 --> 01:47:13.094
Or, as it's, uh,
called in Pakistan, romance!
01:47:13.178 --> 01:47:14.280
And earlier today,
01:47:14.304 --> 01:47:15.656
I told them everything.
I told them
01:47:15.680 --> 01:47:18.558
about my life,
I told them about Emily.
01:47:19.392 --> 01:47:21.394
They kicked me
out of the family.
01:47:21.853 --> 01:47:23.396
I may never
talk to them again.
01:47:24.022 --> 01:47:25.702
So, that happened.
01:47:26.233 --> 01:47:28.026
- What is it?
- Can I come in?
01:47:29.110 --> 01:47:30.278
Okay.
01:47:30.904 --> 01:47:31.988
I swear, you and Dad
01:47:32.072 --> 01:47:33.657
are just like
my freshman year roommate,
01:47:33.740 --> 01:47:36.243
but instead of just,
like, boning random dudes,
01:47:36.326 --> 01:47:38.161
you're just parenting
all the time.
01:47:39.412 --> 01:47:42.457
All over the place.
In every room of the house.
01:47:43.500 --> 01:47:45.210
Including right next to me.
01:47:48.797 --> 01:47:50.048
We got to go.
01:47:51.007 --> 01:47:52.008
Home?
01:47:52.300 --> 01:47:53.343
- No.
- Yeah.
01:47:53.510 --> 01:47:54.594
It's time.
01:47:56.388 --> 01:47:57.806
I'm not ready.
01:47:58.181 --> 01:47:59.224
Yeah, you know what?
01:47:59.516 --> 01:48:00.725
You're strong.
01:48:01.685 --> 01:48:02.852
And you are.
01:48:06.773 --> 01:48:09.859
And we would go to the mosque
and hear graphic details
01:48:09.943 --> 01:48:12.487
of religious people
being killed 1,400 years ago.
01:48:12.570 --> 01:48:15.573
I mean, like,
Tarantino-esque details.
01:48:15.657 --> 01:48:17.218
And everyone would be crying,
01:48:17.242 --> 01:48:19.995
like, competing to see
who could cry the hardest.
01:48:20.120 --> 01:48:21.913
And I could never cry.
01:48:22.122 --> 01:48:23.474
And I was like,
what is wrong with me?
01:48:23.498 --> 01:48:24.498
Am I broken?
01:48:24.541 --> 01:48:26.001
The only time
I've cried that much
01:48:26.084 --> 01:48:28.169
is during
the first 15 minutes of Up.
01:48:30.422 --> 01:48:32.257
This is a picture of me
and my mother.
01:48:32.507 --> 01:48:33.925
I'm seven years old.
01:48:34.217 --> 01:48:37.137
You know people, they talk
about the... the New York water.
01:48:37.429 --> 01:48:39.597
Chicago water
is very underrated, I think.
01:48:39.723 --> 01:48:40.723
It's good.
01:48:40.765 --> 01:48:42.017
Hey, guys.
01:48:42.100 --> 01:48:44.644
I think I might
just pop out for a bit.
01:48:45.103 --> 01:48:46.438
What, by yourself?
01:48:46.896 --> 01:48:49.149
Yeah, just hop
around the block.
01:48:49.399 --> 01:48:50.900
Maybe get some frozen yogurt.
01:48:51.026 --> 01:48:52.319
You okay?
Can you do it?
01:48:52.402 --> 01:48:53.903
Can you walk by yourself?
01:48:53.987 --> 01:48:55.238
- Yeah, Dad.
- All right.
01:48:55.613 --> 01:48:56.613
Have fun.
01:48:56.781 --> 01:48:58.992
If you feel a coma
coming on, call us.
01:48:59.242 --> 01:49:01.036
- Dad, it's too soon.
- Right.
01:49:02.245 --> 01:49:03.639
I love you,
I'll see you in the morning.
01:49:03.663 --> 01:49:04.748
- Love you.
- Bye.
01:49:04.831 --> 01:49:05.707
Okay. Love you. Bye.
01:49:05.790 --> 01:49:07.250
- Have fun.
- I will.
01:49:07.334 --> 01:49:08.752
- Got your phone?
- Yep.
01:49:11.629 --> 01:49:12.648
But you liked it, huh?
01:49:12.672 --> 01:49:14.341
Yeah. I mean...
01:49:15.925 --> 01:49:16.925
Yeah.
01:49:17.093 --> 01:49:18.386
I mean...
01:49:22.140 --> 01:49:23.975
- Hey.
- Hi.
01:49:26.394 --> 01:49:28.355
- What are you doing here?
- Uh...
01:49:28.438 --> 01:49:29.478
I was in the neighborhood,
01:49:29.522 --> 01:49:32.108
and I saw that you were
gonna be here,
01:49:32.192 --> 01:49:34.778
so I thought I'd come say hi.
01:49:35.570 --> 01:49:36.613
You look great.
01:49:36.988 --> 01:49:38.448
How's your blood oxygen level?
01:49:38.656 --> 01:49:40.825
Oh, well within range.
01:49:40.992 --> 01:49:42.869
Nice.
01:49:44.579 --> 01:49:48.583
Um, this is my brother,
NAVEED.
01:49:49.250 --> 01:49:51.086
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi. I'm Emily.
01:49:51.169 --> 01:49:52.587
I've heard lots about you.
01:49:52.879 --> 01:49:54.422
It's so good
to finally meet you.
01:49:54.506 --> 01:49:55.548
Yeah.
01:49:57.550 --> 01:50:00.887
There's actually something
I wanted to, uh, tell you.
01:50:05.100 --> 01:50:07.477
Okay, well, I'm gonna just...
01:50:08.561 --> 01:50:09.729
- Good-bye.
- Bye.
01:50:11.398 --> 01:50:12.774
See you, Bhai.
01:50:24.077 --> 01:50:25.370
Are you warm enough?
01:50:26.204 --> 01:50:28.581
Yeah, yeah. I got
my two pairs of socks on.
01:51:01.114 --> 01:51:02.532
Do you mind?
01:51:04.617 --> 01:51:05.785
No.
01:51:15.462 --> 01:51:17.630
I'm glad
we're going home tomorrow.
01:51:18.339 --> 01:51:19.716
Me, too.
01:51:20.800 --> 01:51:22.719
See? I should've
brushed my teeth.
01:51:24.596 --> 01:51:25.847
I like it.
01:51:27.056 --> 01:51:28.850
When something
like this happens,
01:51:28.975 --> 01:51:30.477
there's this
sort of expectation
01:51:30.560 --> 01:51:32.604
that you're gonna
have this completely,
01:51:32.979 --> 01:51:34.939
like, new lease on life, and...
01:51:36.107 --> 01:51:38.109
feel totally different
about everything,
01:51:38.193 --> 01:51:41.613
and, like,
cherish every sunrise,
01:51:42.697 --> 01:51:44.282
and, like, for the most part,
01:51:44.365 --> 01:51:46.534
I just feel like, ugh,
I can't get up that early.
01:51:47.118 --> 01:51:48.661
You know?
01:51:51.706 --> 01:51:52.707
I'm sorry, I feel like
01:51:52.790 --> 01:51:54.143
I've been talking
about myself so much.
01:51:54.167 --> 01:51:55.001
No.
01:51:55.084 --> 01:51:56.145
Are you doing
a lot of stand-up?
01:51:56.169 --> 01:51:58.630
- Are you...
- Yeah. I, uh,
01:51:58.713 --> 01:52:02.675
bombed my Montreal
Comedy Festival audition.
01:52:02.884 --> 01:52:04.052
Like, horrifically, like...
01:52:04.135 --> 01:52:05.512
I saw the video.
01:52:07.305 --> 01:52:08.181
Yeah.
01:52:08.264 --> 01:52:09.849
- It wasn't great.
- No... No.
01:52:09.933 --> 01:52:11.559
I'll be honest with you,
it wasn't great.
01:52:11.643 --> 01:52:13.019
No. I know.
01:52:13.228 --> 01:52:17.357
But there was a lot I liked.
Like a... like a lot I liked.
01:52:22.487 --> 01:52:24.030
I'm moving to New York.
01:52:26.533 --> 01:52:27.659
Really?
01:52:27.742 --> 01:52:28.952
Yeah, um...
01:52:30.078 --> 01:52:31.788
Mary and CJ and I are, like...
01:52:34.749 --> 01:52:38.127
Just gonna drive out, and we
have a place all ready, and...
01:52:40.296 --> 01:52:42.715
- When do you leave?
- Next weekend.
01:52:43.550 --> 01:52:46.386
I... I'm so excited for you.
That is so great.
01:52:46.636 --> 01:52:48.888
Like, you are going to just...
01:52:49.222 --> 01:52:50.890
do so great in New York.
01:52:54.352 --> 01:52:55.562
What were you gonna say?
01:52:56.604 --> 01:52:57.647
What?
01:52:58.273 --> 01:53:00.275
You said you were gonna
say something to me.
01:53:01.317 --> 01:53:02.485
What was it?
01:53:05.530 --> 01:53:08.449
Oh, just that I, um,
I wanted to thank you.
01:53:09.576 --> 01:53:10.743
Uh, my parents told me
01:53:10.827 --> 01:53:12.161
everything
that you did for me,
01:53:12.245 --> 01:53:13.764
and I feel like
the last time we spoke,
01:53:13.788 --> 01:53:15.582
I didn't properly
thank you, so...
01:53:15.873 --> 01:53:17.792
Oh. Yeah.
01:53:18.293 --> 01:53:21.087
Totally fine.
01:53:22.046 --> 01:53:23.506
I should probably go.
01:53:23.590 --> 01:53:26.801
- Do you want to call an Uber?
- No, I'm gonna walk, actually.
01:53:26.884 --> 01:53:29.470
So, this has been
really great.
01:53:29.971 --> 01:53:31.014
All right.
01:53:31.472 --> 01:53:33.683
- Okay, bye.
- Yeah.
01:53:40.231 --> 01:53:41.333
The scene is gonna be, like,
01:53:41.357 --> 01:53:42.859
so different
with you guys gone.
01:53:43.359 --> 01:53:45.278
Well, you should come out.
01:53:46.738 --> 01:53:48.531
No, I'm... I'm good here.
01:53:48.990 --> 01:53:51.159
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you.
01:53:53.161 --> 01:53:54.454
Get out of here, you assholes.
01:53:54.537 --> 01:53:55.371
All right.
01:53:55.455 --> 01:53:56.831
Come here,
you big dummy.
01:53:58.625 --> 01:54:00.001
- Bye.
- I'll miss you.
01:54:06.591 --> 01:54:08.343
You're still kicked out
of the family.
01:54:08.593 --> 01:54:10.511
But because we did not
get a proper chance
01:54:10.595 --> 01:54:11.595
to say bye to you, so...
01:54:13.264 --> 01:54:15.475
Your mother
is so angry with you.
01:54:16.225 --> 01:54:17.620
She's not going to
get out of the car.
01:54:17.644 --> 01:54:19.044
She's not even going
to look at you.
01:54:19.687 --> 01:54:21.527
I don't believe that you kept
so much of secret
01:54:21.606 --> 01:54:22.774
from me, your father.
01:54:23.816 --> 01:54:24.901
Sorry.
01:54:26.319 --> 01:54:27.362
Here.
01:54:27.862 --> 01:54:29.280
She asked me
to give this to you.
01:54:30.198 --> 01:54:31.240
Mutton biryani.
01:54:31.491 --> 01:54:32.617
For your trip.
01:54:32.909 --> 01:54:34.077
Your favorite.
01:54:35.203 --> 01:54:38.414
She made it herself, specially
for you, with extra potatoes.
01:54:40.124 --> 01:54:41.292
Thank you, Ma!
01:54:43.169 --> 01:54:45.129
- Is she okay?
- Right now?
01:54:45.254 --> 01:54:46.297
No.
01:54:47.256 --> 01:54:48.256
I'll miss you.
01:54:48.675 --> 01:54:51.094
I'm forbidden
from hugging you, so...
01:54:52.970 --> 01:54:54.722
...it was nice to
have you as my son.
01:54:56.766 --> 01:54:58.142
Good-bye forever.
01:55:00.103 --> 01:55:02.230
And do me a favor,
when you reach New York,
01:55:02.313 --> 01:55:06.067
just text us and tell us that
you've reached safely, okay?
01:55:07.819 --> 01:55:09.070
I will.
01:55:10.405 --> 01:55:11.864
Dad, can I ask you something?
01:55:13.366 --> 01:55:15.535
When you and Mom
went on your first date,
01:55:16.035 --> 01:55:17.412
what movie did you see?
01:55:18.871 --> 01:55:20.164
Satte Pe Satta.
01:55:25.628 --> 01:55:26.629
Her favorite song.
01:55:27.255 --> 01:55:28.297
Why you asking?
01:55:29.549 --> 01:55:30.842
I was just curious.
01:55:31.217 --> 01:55:32.385
Okay.
01:55:50.653 --> 01:55:51.755
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
01:55:51.779 --> 01:55:52.613
- Okay.
- All right.
01:55:52.697 --> 01:55:53.799
- See you later, dudes.
- Let's do it.
01:55:53.823 --> 01:55:55.158
- See you.
- Hey, we'll text.
01:55:55.241 --> 01:55:56.481
- Ooh, sorry.
- Yeah, please do.
01:56:01.247 --> 01:56:03.332
So, the first time
I came to America,
01:56:03.416 --> 01:56:04.625
I was, like, 14,
01:56:04.709 --> 01:56:06.586
and I was just visiting
my uncle in New York,
01:56:06.669 --> 01:56:08.379
and it just happened
to be Thanksgiving.
01:56:08.671 --> 01:56:11.048
My first day in America,
my uncle took me
01:56:11.132 --> 01:56:13.301
to the Macy's
Thanksgiving Day parade.
01:56:14.510 --> 01:56:17.180
And I was like, "This is
every day in America!"
01:56:17.889 --> 01:56:19.599
As advertised.
01:56:20.433 --> 01:56:24.020
Every day, they have a party
celebrating Garfield.
01:56:24.771 --> 01:56:26.981
No day has lived up
to that day.
01:56:28.900 --> 01:56:30.902
I was, uh,
lying to my parents,
01:56:30.985 --> 01:56:32.779
I was telling them
I was gonna be a lawyer.
01:56:33.321 --> 01:56:34.572
And they're very disappointed
01:56:34.655 --> 01:56:36.324
'cause they wanted me
to be a doctor.
01:56:37.408 --> 01:56:39.011
You guys are like,
why didn't you just tell them
01:56:39.035 --> 01:56:40.661
that you wanted
to be a doctor?
01:56:40.745 --> 01:56:41.972
It's a lie anyway,
and I'm like,
01:56:41.996 --> 01:56:43.196
well, it has to be believable.
01:56:43.581 --> 01:56:45.166
If I told them
"I want to be a doctor,"
01:56:45.249 --> 01:56:46.667
they'd be like, "Bullshit."
01:56:47.084 --> 01:56:49.670
If I said "lawyer,"
they're like, "Oh, okay.
01:56:49.754 --> 01:56:50.671
"That's something."
01:56:50.755 --> 01:56:52.256
'Cause there's
a strict hierarchy.
01:56:52.423 --> 01:56:55.426
It's doctor, engineer, lawyer,
01:56:55.843 --> 01:56:57.261
hundreds of jobs,
01:56:58.137 --> 01:56:59.931
ISIS, then comedian.
01:57:05.228 --> 01:57:07.688
Ah, I'm sorry.
01:57:07.772 --> 01:57:09.857
It's very rude
to heckle comedians.
01:57:10.066 --> 01:57:11.234
Oh, that wasn't a heckle.
01:57:11.317 --> 01:57:12.735
I just kind of
whoo-hoo'd for you.
01:57:12.819 --> 01:57:14.654
Well, see,
that's a common misconception.
01:57:14.737 --> 01:57:16.239
Heckling doesn't have
to be negative.
01:57:16.405 --> 01:57:19.242
So if I was like, "Oh, my God,
you're amazing in bed!"
01:57:19.325 --> 01:57:21.045
That would be a...
01:57:21.077 --> 01:57:22.161
...heckle?
01:57:22.245 --> 01:57:24.580
Yeah, and now you're getting
more laughs than me,
01:57:24.664 --> 01:57:25.706
and I don't like that.
01:57:25.790 --> 01:57:27.250
Do you want to come up,
do my job?
01:57:27.500 --> 01:57:28.334
Let's talk about...
01:57:28.417 --> 01:57:29.961
So, are you
from out of town, ma'am?
01:57:30.378 --> 01:57:33.047
- Chicago.
- Ooh, Windy City.
01:57:33.673 --> 01:57:35.550
And what brings you
to New York?
01:57:36.259 --> 01:57:39.095
- Here to see someone.
- And, um...
01:57:39.345 --> 01:57:41.514
Have you seen him?
Or her? I mean, I don't...
01:57:41.597 --> 01:57:43.808
I don't know
what your deal is, but...
01:57:43.891 --> 01:57:45.434
Yeah, I've seen him.
01:57:45.458 --> 01:58:05.458
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